OK, Mrs. God……..I won’t……I promise. But I can’t help doing some pretty serious coveting about my friend Spencer who has just sent me photos of his new house in the green pastures of Surrey in the UK. It’s a stunning Georgian house set in 15 acres of beautiful gardens and has stables, an indoor swimming pool, and a huge pond full of crap……….. (more…)

Guest: Mr. ———-Ref: 842029280A
Cabin: ____ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 08/15/10 – 08/15/10

TOO MANY CHILDREN
Guest came to desk asking to speak to hotel director or cruise director. Mr______stated that there were too many children on the ship and carnival should have told him when he booked and did not. Guest was shouting so GSA took him away from desk. Mr_______ stated that he had cruised on Royal Caribbean last year at the same time and there were very few children at that time on the Monarch ship of Royal Caribbean. Guest is asking for compensation and wants an immediate meeting with John.

As you may know, I have always loved it when people say “on RCI” or “on NCL,” in much the same way that I have always loved Judge Judy (more…)

One of the toughest parts of being a CD and one of the toughest parts of being an entertainment director for Carnival is trying to find the right balance of live music on our ships. It’s tough for so many reasons.

For example, a country music band may go down a storm on the Carnival Conquest out of Texas but put the same band here on the Carnival Splendor out of California and they will be playing to an empty lounge. There is also the fact that music is changing so much with each generation and of course what some like……….others hate.
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Yesterday, after debarkation which having made a few subtle changes went rather smoothly I decided to go and look at the terminal building and have a walk around the port……alone of course………….as I am yet again ……Billy No Mates.

In California the sun always shines. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Well the sun wasn’t shining this morning and it was in fact a little chilly which of course being incased in a 200 pound light fluffy shell I really enjoyed.
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This has been quite a first week here on the Carnival Splendor what with storms, coat hangers, vegetarians, mosquitoes and now…………this……..or should I say……….them.

From: SPLENDOR GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR
Sent: Thursday, August 12, 2010 1:05PM
To: SPLENDOR CRUISE DIRECTOR

Re: Cabin 2247 – Wants to talk to CD

John

Mrs_____ wants to talk to you about an incident today. (more…)

I came on the Carnival Splendor determined to make sure I change some of what I do, add new activities and bring some of the old ones back. Admittedly, I am doing this not just for the guests but for myself, I don’t want to go straight onto auto pilot and just do what I have always done. And while I have been able to change one or two things for the most part I have found it very hard to bring back some of the old style fun because of course………….times have changed.

You see, the problem is that while we weren’t looking (more…)

Sorry if the first part of this blog is a bit ummmm…….rude.

I should start by saying that I never go into the dance club. I know I should because what happens there is my responsibility and of course the DJ works in my department. But I don’t.

Why? Well for two reasons. Firstly I hate the fact that I am immediately recognized by the guests who feel it is their divine right to drag the fat bastard cruise director onto the dance floor. Secondly, I the type of music played and would rather wipe my arse with barbed wire than have to listen to Slap My Bitch Down and other such total rubbish.
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Scientists with beards have given up on finding a cure for the world’s diseases and instead (according to the news today) they’ve developed a nasal spray to make men more affectionate.

Apparently a couple of sniffs of this soppy spray and the emotionally baron chap becomes a cuddle monster…
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The hamburger is dead.  Long live the Burrito…

And remember this date well because as I sit here at my desk on the Carnival Splendor in my underpants I am on August 8 2010 predicting that we are witnessing………the end of the hamburger.

There will, of course, be a service held at Carnival’s Headquarters in Miami, to mark the event. A silver platter of Lido Deck Carnival hamburgers will be borne aloft by hamburger-bearers Micky Arison, Gerry Cahill who will hold a poignant service attended by shore side staff and shipboard crew and Chef’s past and present. And an epitaph will be written in ketchup above their final resting place that will say “From the Mardi Gras to your Carnival Dream…….they tasted good with cheese.”
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As the fleet gets bigger and bigger we have to hire more entertainers and last night we had a new comedian make his Carnival debut here on the Carnival Splendor. And I am sorry to say I think it will be his last. Obviously I can’t tell you his name but at his late night show he had a torrid time. He came onto the stage, picked up the microphone and delivered what we had to assume was his best line. You always deliver your best line first. That way, you have the audience on your side from the get go………that’s what I have been told by people like Carnival’s 351st best comedian Al Ernst anyway.
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