There seems to be more and more and more and more people who write to me on our blog thingy to tell me that I offend them. Whether it’s my blubbery stomach, my bent tooth that’s surrounded by its straight but brownish mates. My effort to help people with dining and other requests or the fact that I am breathing at all……I seem to be getting so far up people’s noses I can taste boogers.

Here’s another.
(more…)

It’s Monday evening, 12:10am and I thought I had better get a start on tomorrow’s (today’s) blog. So while the girls do their starfish impressions here I sit…..in my underpants……writing to you. I had a plan in my mind as to what I would start with today but that plan has changed because I have the TV on…..and I am watching animals have rumpy pumpy. Yep, one of the cabin TV channels is showing a documentary about animal porn and it’s hard to write about anything at all when you are watching two zebras having sex. Actually though, it’s all a bit….ummm…boring.

Right now the program is focusing in on two huge (more…)

I’m bloody tired. Now hold on, before I start I should mention that there is nothing in this world that I love more than my family, not even Megan Fox’s pert bottom cloven in an Egyptian silk G string can come close. However, having the family here and meeting Kye’s demands for attention and doing the CD thing and writing blogs and Facebooking and doing shows and managing 67 crew and 3,600 guests can be somewhat exhausting.
(more…)

Good morning and let’s start with this comment.

Owen Walcott Asked:
John – please reply.

I came to your blog because I was told it was the only place where I could make a table for two request and that is for the Fantasy’s Christmas cruise our first on Carnival line. Reading a few entries I was horrified (more…)

What’s your first act on walking into your cabin or a hotel room? Me……well after I’ve checked if the TV has any Latvian rumpy pumpy movies on it and inspected the bed sheets for “shrubbery,” I switch on the air conditioning to full.

I love air conditioning because I am a big guy and big guys sweat like a polar bear in a sauna. But Heidi has other thoughts about this entirely because to her…..air conditioning is hell. I have heard this speech so many times over the years. “If I want a sore throat and runny nose I will go stand in the rain,” she will moan.
(more…)

I have been thinking about what Calmcruiser wrote about the photo of me on this blog’s header and how angry she was that my teeth and chin(s) had been photo shopped. And to be honest it rather upset me, not just because she and a few others seem to be taking as many chances to kick me in the bollocks as they can……but also because with the teeth thingy….she was right.
(more…)

Here we go again…

From: SPLENDOR GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Monday, September 06, 2010 9:07 PM
Subject: Not allowed to dining room with Jeans on

Good evening,

Please be advised that guest from the cabin ____________, informed that she was not allowed to enter dining room on elegant night as she had (more…)

Guest: Ms ———–Ref: 848181425A
Cabin: ———- ————–Added-Changed: 09/01/10 – 09/01/10

SPIDER ON TOUR
Guest came to the desk saying that she had been on the Beach Horseback Riding Tour in PVR and when she was on the horse in the jungle part of the tour she had seen a large spider on the tree. Guest said that she is very afraid of spiders and that she nobody had informed her that there would be a chance to see them. Guest is expecting a full refund from the tour. Tasked to Shore Ex Manager

(more…)

On yesterday’s blog a chap asked me how much I got paid. Obviously I didn’t answer him but I can tell him and you that my salary is paid straight into my bank account back home. This means that I have very little cash on me at most times because I have no friends and don’t go off the ship hardly at all. I tip my stateroom steward plus there are tips for the waiter that brings my meals to the cabin and a big tip for Mr. Patu who washes my underpants. But apart from that I have no need for cash.
(more…)

During the last week or so I have been getting more used to this thing called Facebook. I have been trying to pass on daily updates as to what is happening here onboard and I have to say it seems to be working. Don’t get me wrong. I much prefer blogging because you are only allowed 400 letters and if you go over you get a bollocking from the Facebook police.
(more…)