I have an hour to write you a quick blog and I am cheating a bit here because it’s 6:45am on Sunday morning and I am sitting here in the conference room……..in my underpants…….. writing Monday’s blog. You see, I know that when Monday comes there will be bugger all chance of me writing a blog so feeling as guilty I decided I would write a quick blog. Obviously it’s the bloggers cruise today and I will be writing more about that shortly……….but first I want to talk about your Carnival Magic…………….well………sort of.
You see, last week I was in Jim Berra’s office. For those of you who don’t know who Jim is, he is our absolutely stonkingly brilliant chief marketing officer whose “Mum’s Got Air” commercial is proving a massive hit and is someone who allows me to write this blog and my Facebook page in my own words. Now I pretended I needed to meet with him to talk about this and that but the real reason I went to his office is that he has a proper Italian espresso machine in the east wing of his palatial office.
So at 2 pm I was escorted into his kingdom by his gorgeous 6 foot 5 supermodel secretary who had a skirt on that was so short you could see her…………oh bugger………just realised that Mrs. Berra might be reading this………..so I was escorted into his kingdom by his secretary Bob.
Once seated in my palatial leather chair, sipping my delicious espresso we talked about your Carnival Magic and Jim brought up something very interesting. He was saying that there had been difficulties in getting flights to the shipyard ready for the inaugural cruise for himself and other Carnival executives. One reason was that it was a public holiday in Italy which meant that millions of Italian men would be putting on their Speedos and flying away on vacation. The other problem that flying to the other main hub from the UK……….London…………was difficult as well……………..because of the Royal Wedding.
Ah yes, the Royal Wedding. It seems the entire UK is getting massively excited about this event and judging by what I have seen here in the States…………….it’s the same thing here. Me …………. am I excited? Yes, but I’m managing to rein in my elation quite well so far. I only allow myself nine thoughts a day about it, and wear a rubber band around my thingy so I can ping it if things get out of hand.
But what really shocked me was that during my 12-day layover in Atlanta while mincing around the shops I saw that you could buy souvenir mugs, spoons, British style pint glasses and towels ……in Atlanta……..in Georgia…….in the United States of America. But as I shook my head in disbelief I was reminded that when President Obama was elected leader of the universe, you could buy the same crap with his photo on it in the shops in my home town………..in the UK.
What surprised me even more I guess was not only that this stuff was for sale but people were actually buying it. Why? Why were Americans buying this stuff…….do they really want to drink a pint of Budweiser out of a glass with the photo of two British royals grinning aimlessly on it?
I just went googling and typed in Royal Wedding souvenirs and found that there is no shortage of items. For children, there’s a £15 ($25) Happy Land royal wedding set including plastic figures of Prince William and Kate, the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh and a corgi and corgi poo.
What is even crazier and bringing me back to Jim’s point about it being a mad travel day is that the police are estimating 7 million people will line the streets of London with many sleeping on the street to get a better view. Why? To get hypothermia and possibly Ebola by sleeping outside Buckingham Palace in a foil blanket to catch a glimpse of Princess Kate’s left ear…….what a load of bollocks.
Don’t get me wrong. I hope Willy and Katie will be very happy. Hopefully Will’s has more of his wife’s genes in him than his Dad’s which means he will be faithful to Katie and not be tempted to have an affair with a horse. Anyway, I am proud that we have a Royal Family but our Carnival Magic could not have her first cruise at a better time.
Here we go with some Q and A…
Chrissy Fennel Asked:
Please Reply.John, I was on the Carnival Dream this past New Year and had a great time with my friends like I’ve had the past 3 cruises I have taken with Carnival. This trip we had the privilege of talking and seeing comedian Tommy Drake. We absolutely loved him, but forgot to get his information about tour dates and how to purchase his CD at the end of the night. Is there any way you can put us in contact with him (email, website, etc.), or someone that would have that information?
Thanks,
ChrissyJohn Says:
Hello Chrissy FennelI am so glad that you enjoyed Tommy Drake’s entertainment. He is a very funny man indeed and a fine juggler as well. I took the liberty of sending him your e mail address through our entertainment office and hope that by now he has been in touch. If you need my help again please let me know.
Best wishes
JohnThomas L Asked:
Mr. Heald
please respondHaving just returned from the Conquest ship I wish to tell you of my disappointment at the total lack of entertainment designed for people like myself. My wife and I don’t drink, don’t gamble and are proudly religious. Yet we were seated at a table with a couple who not only drank excessively at dinner each night but were loud and obnoxious. We demanded a different table and were then seated for the last two nights at a table on our own which was unfair. I must also comment that the shows featured degrading costumes or jokes that certainly were not suitable for a family audience. The entire cruise seemed to be based on drinking and gambling. This is our fault as it was our first cruise and we should have realized that the Carnival line is all about this but surely you can arrange to seat people at dinner who have the same interests and beliefs and not with a group of drunken Texans with zero morals. I write to you because I have had no reply from your customer satisfaction department which is an oxymoron and so I will be expecting a prompt reply.
Thank you
Thomas L – Park City, UtahJohn Says:
Thomas LThank you for taking the time to write to me here on the blog. Just before I respond I wanted to apologise that you have not had a response from our guest care department whom I will send your post to immediately. Our guest care department is usually very prompt with replies so I’m not sure what happened here. I am disappointed to hear that you did not enjoy your first Carnival experience. Our dining room team does their best to seat guests together according to age demographics however with 3,000 plus guests each cruise this is not always possible. I am sure you will understand that it would be impossible to arrange seating based on any other parameters such as religious beliefs however, saying that, I am sorry that your table companions were not to your liking.
I hope you do try cruising with us again and if you do may I suggest our Anytime Dining option which as it says allows you to eat at anytime between 5:30 pm and 9 pm. This will also give you the option of either eating with different guests each night or if possible, having a table for two.
I am also sorry to hear that you did not appreciate the entertainment which unless advertised as an adult comedy show is I feel certainly family oriented. But I realize that not everyone has the same tastes and again my apologies that you did not enjoy the shows. Hopefully you did enjoy the activities, food, friendly service and the ports of call.
Thank you again for taking the time to write and I will forward your comments to our guest care team.
Best wishes
JohnDevon J Asked:
Please replyI want to tell you of a big complaint from our recent Freedom cruise. Myself and my 4 friends are in our senior year at the University Of Florida. On the last night of the cruise we wore our rented Toga costumes after dinner yet we were refused entrance by the security staff at the door of the nightclub. We were not intoxicated yet were treated as though we were criminals by a very rude security doorman. Why were we refused entrance? We were doing no harm and there were people in the room with far more revealing clothes than we had on.
Please provide me with an explanation.
John Says:
Hello Devon JI can’t provide you with an explanation, only an apology. I checked and we have no specific rules about this so I am not sure why you were not allowed in. You bring up a great point because if we don’t allow togas then we should not allow the guys who wear their pants so low we can see the crack of their arse. I will pass this onto someone who will make sure that our onboard teams aware of your situation. I hope you had fun despite this problem on the last night of your cruise.
Best wishes
JohnColin Redwood Asked:
John,Enjoy your blog and face book hearing the updates on the Carnival Fleet and it activities. Reading the infamous cruise critic there have been some very hard reviews about the Carnival Dream and its rating is now near the bottom of all cruise ships listed on cruise critic in the overall ship category. We really want to spend our summer vacation on a back to back cruise but reading comments like this really make me nervous.
http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=78386
http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1329393&highlight=smell+on+carnival+dream
As you will see there is much talk on cruise critic about the smell and this is also what concerns me. I love Carnival but I need assurances from you that the smell is gone and that what they are saying on cruise critic is not true. Sorry to heap so much pressure on you.
Thanks
John Says:
Hello Colin RedwoodDon’t worry about the pressure Colin as I feel none at all when I recommend the brilliant Carnival Dream to you and your family. During the start up of the vessel we did indeed face some challenges with a bad odor on certain parts of the ship but they have now been eradicated. I didn’t read the review link you sent but I do want to say this instead. For every one negative comment on Cruise Critic there are hundreds of guests who do not post anything on any site and who have had the most fantastic experience. Please let me know if you have any follow up questions Colin and book that Dream vacation………………..I promise you will have the time of your life.
Best wishes
JohnDragonfly Asked:
I was a passenger on the Carnival Dream last year and I really enjoyed the Karaoke Hostest MOUNA CRANE….. She is the best!!!!!! I have been on three (3) Carnival ships with her and my wife and we both I really enjoy seeing her, she is very amazing. Will she be on the Magic. The next cruise for us will be # 10 yes VIP members and I hope to see Mouna again.Please Respond…John Says:
Hello DragonflyEveryone who meets Mouna never forgets that they have done so. She is truly incomparable and I know she has many fans on this blog thingy of ours. I will make sure she reads your very kind words and thank you for taking the time to write them. I will though have to send them to her private e mail because she has since left Carnival and moved on to other things……we miss her a lot. Congratulations on reaching your Platinum status.
Best wishes
JohnSee2Sea Asked:
Response neededCooler Bag as a Platinum benefit gift. What nonsense and what a cheap person you are John for trying to paint it as acceptable. You are nothing more than a corporate mouthpiece. Other lines give guaranteed free upgrades to suites for people who have cruised 10 times or more, what did I get on the Fascination last week a cooler that looked like it came from the dollar store. I will not be reading your blog again as I am so over you and what you have to sell
John Says:
Hello Sea2SeaYipeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Best wishes
JohnNorman H Asked:
John – Reply requested as soon as possibleMy wife and three children will be sailing on the Valor on 27th March and want a table for the family together with no other passengers. It is my youngest son’s birthday on the 25th and understand you send free birthday gifts and I would like you to please send this to Zack during the elegant night dinner.
We are looking forward to our second Carnival cruise.
John Says:
Hello NormanI have sent your dining request to the maitre d and have asked Goose the CD to send a little something to Zack. It will probably have to go to your stateroom though so you will be able to give it to him on my behalf at dinner. I truly hope you have a brilliant second cruise.
Best wishes to all
JohnLinda and Chuck Asked:
John (please reply)I haven’t yet gone back and read all the blogs I missed while on our cruise on the Carnival Miracle. Eventually I will catch up!
I did want to say we had a wonderful time, and just note a couple of things (will be writing a more detailed review later…before I get caught up reading your blogs, I have to get caught up at work!). We tried the “Your Time Dining” and found that it worked very well for us — and when you asked a while back on the blog, we voted for traditional assigned dining! *LOL* But we have previously found that early seating dining makes us feel a bit rushed to get back to the ship on port days (so we are rested, showered and dressed in time for dinner), but that late seating makes us miss the start of some of the evening activities we enjoy. “Your Time Dining” = problem solved! On the other side of the coin, we did not like the new version of the Captain’s Party at all. Quite a disappointment.
Love to Heidi and Kye!
Linda and ChuckJohn Says:
Hello Linda and ChuckI am so glad that you liked the Anytime Dining. More and more people seem to be opting for this but I know that some still are not sure, especially those who have cruised many times and are used to the assigned seating. However, the flexibility of dining when you want is invaluable and thanks for confirming this is so. I know the new captain’s celebration has is not as popular as the old version……..but let’s see what happens in the near future shall we? I am glad you had a great time and thanks for the kind words and my best wishes to you both.
John
LVU101 Asked:
Hi John, (please reply)We will be on the Dream, April 9th, stateroom 6230. My husband is my hero; he was injured in a car crash when he was hit by a drunk driver. He lost his left leg and has limited use of his left arm as well. My question is, can you arrange us to be on the main level in the dining room and at a large table where he has some room for the wheelchair. My husband is only 28 years old and is still coming to terms with his accident and this will be our first vacation since our night of horror. This though will be my 4th cruise on Carnival; it’s my cruise line of choice. Believe me I’ve been on ALL of the others, carnival has come a long way and has not forgotten who the customer is. Thank you for all you do. I said I’d never write and ask a favor, but, this is for a special man that has had the toughest of times.
Thanks so much
LizzyJohn Says:
Hello LizzyThanks for the touching tribute to your husband whom I will make sure is looked after with the table request and in many other ways. We all send our warmest wishes and hopes that this cruise will rejuvenate both of you
Best wishes
John
That’s all for today.
Well it’s now 8:30 am and in a few hours I will be joined by 340 bloggers. Peter the Hair will be here and we will be filming everything that happens for the blog and will be posting updates as well.
So last night there was a bit of a domestic issue here on the Carnival Freedom. According to Anuj the hotel director a couple in their forties had a huge argument which resulted in a 2 am bust up and her throwing all of his belongings off the balcony and in to the ocean causing him to stand at the guest services desk in his underpants………no really he did…………and also causing the environmental officer to have to complete a ton of paper work.
This kind of situation happens now and then on cruise ships and I wonder therefore if these sorts of arguments are relevant at home as well as when they come on vacation or do these arguments intensify due to the confines of what can be a small stateroom? Certainly from my experience it is the couples who have just got together or are in the early years of their relationship who seem to have these intense arguments.
I don’t know the answer to that but I have been thinking that there I need to try and help here and stop these arguments from happening. And so with that in mind here is my pre-cruise test to make sure the partner you are taking your Carnival cruise with is the right person for you. Let’s crack on and start with a test for the ladies to see if he is the perfect cruising partner for you.
- It’s elegant night and your wife has been getting ready for 3 hours. She finally emerges from the bathroom and asks “Does my arse look big in this dress?” Do you answer?
- Yes, it looks like someone has put a beach ball in your knickers so for the love of god can we go to dinner.
- No, I have never seen such a small and cuter bottom as that. I thought Megan Fox was in my cabin
- If I say “no” you will think I am saying it just so we can get out of this cabin and if I say “yes” you will be grumpy all night long and there will be bugger all chance of any rumpy pumpy. Please may I have a different question?
- You have been wandering the Carnival Magic for 15 minutes trying to find the RedFrog Pub and realize you are never going to find it without asking for help. Does he say?
- I am a man. I am not programmed to ask for help. Let’s keep wandering the ship for another 15 minutes because maybe we will find it
- I am not wrong. I know exactly where I am going. I know this ship like the back of my hand. Oh……..hold on……….why are we in the galley?
- Darling you look gorgeous in that dress and your arse seems to be getting smaller as we walk. Tell you what, you go buy yourself a ring from the gift shops while I ask that large white arsed cruise director for directions to the RedFrog………..mmmm….….I love you to darling.
- You come back from a wonderful night onboard of great shows, food and fun. You get into bed and realise you have a headache. Does he:
- Says he feels sorry for you and feeds you little bits of the chocolate mint that Ketut left on your pillow
- Get his laptop out and Google “rumpy pumpy is a cure for headaches”
- Tweak your nipples and lick the back of your neck like a rabid cocker spaniel until you scream “get off” which results in the people in the cabin next door calling security.
- You arrive at the ship and go straight to your stateroom. Does he:
- Unpack the suitcases for you telling you to go up to the spa and have a massage while he sorts everything out here
- Says “See you later and buggers off to the Lido to drink beer and watch the Miami Heat win the 2011 NBA Championship”
- Unpacks for you while you have a massage and when you come back you find rose petals on your pillow, champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, a fruit basket from John the fat cruise director and dinner reservations at The Chef’s Table. You then realise…….he’s been doing a Tiger Woods and you kick him in the bollocks, throw all his clothes overboard leaving him standing at the guest services desk in his underpants.
See you soon here and on Facebook.
Goodnight
Your friend
John
P.S. Here are today’s Fun Times.
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
SeetoSea: “I’m done, I’m never reading this blog again……..(John, please reply)”
Great response, John!!
I agree… loved your response John.
OMG, I laughed right out loud….almost peed my pants. Loooooved it!
Awesome! I loved it!
I agree too but its too bad that she won’t see the answer since she is never ever going to read his blog again!!!!
Best laugh of the day. Thanks John!
Great response, John!
I agree, I would like to know what cruise lines, gives free upgrades at 10 cruises.
Im not sure they even deserve that much of a answer.
I say ::::::::::::: YIPEEEEEEEEEEEE also…..
Bye, Bye See2Sea ……..
Agreed! Never a more fitting response John!
see2Sea – thinks he was on a Cunard and would get a Gold spoon for sailing 10x plus – your on carnival and you got what you got. And John way to answer a snob likw see2sea. so ashamed can’t even use real name.
“Yippeeeeee!”
Absolutely brilliant!
too bad See2sea will NEVER see it — and if he/she does – well liar liar pants on fire!!!
You forgot “and good riddance” lol
Devon’s post piqued my interest. We were on Freedom 2/12-20 and had a large group show up in Scott’s wearing togas. David Filsinger, the pianist, responded by leading us in a rousing rendition of Shout!! Good times were had by all.
The togites did mention they had been asked to leave the disco and perhaps other venues, but we were happy to have them.
I was on the splendor for a Halloween cruise.
My wife and I did not bring costumes as we did not think too many people would get dressed up.
Were we wrong or what!!!!!
Feeling like two hot dogs in a vegetarian sandwich we decided to go improvise.
We headed back to the cabin where we found our perfect costumes, the bed sheets!!! We draped them over our bodies and tied them back with some decorative string we had from some gifts. We made head pieces out of the garlands from our cabin decorations, put on our flip-flops and we were ready to go.
So back down to the lobby. I found a drink of the day in a fake gold goblet. We found another couple that had done the same so I decided to hold court. I gave a friends, Romans and Countrymen speech and invited everyone to join us in a pub crawl. Well as we walked around the ship we gathered a following of about 50 others in togas, some professional store bought and others that I guess were made on the fly like ours.
Now we were able to go to all of the bars but were told we were not allowed in the disco. I agree with the reason we were given, you see at the time smoking was allowed, and I think still is, in the disco and they were concerned that the sheets could accidentally catch fire, also with people dancing a longer toga could cause people to trip. So I understand. We had a great time non the less. For the remainder of the cruise as I walked the deck people would salute me roman style and say “hail Caesar”.
John,
My family and I will be on the Carinval Splendor Nov. 6, 2011 and were wondering if we could get a table for eight. My sister in law and her family will be with us and wanted to see if we could sit together. It is their first cruise. Our Cabin Numbers are 9260, 1042, 1046. I really appreciate all your help!
To Thomas L…..we were on a cruise a couple of years ago where a couple was not having a good time due to the fact that they did not drink or gamble. My suggestion is to try one of the Christian cruises. There are many of them offered. Just check online or with your travel agent. I have a friend who goes on the Gaither cruises as well as other Christian cruises and she really loves them. The casinos and bars are shut down and the entire cruise is dedicated to the music, speakers and workshops. She has been on several of them and really enjoys them. Don’t never go on a cruise again due to this experience. Find one that works for you.
Rita ~ How wonderful of you to suggest that. Most people would have been put off by someone complaining of things such as life as this guest was. However, I too found myself googling Christian Cruises. I have several friends who have gone on them and absolutely love them! One point that I want to bring up though is this: If they say they are Christian, how in the world can they sit there and JUDGE other people? They were complaining that someone else was having what sounds like a great time. To each his own, am I right?
I am a Christian however, I could never ever find myself 1. demanding a different table and 2. complaining about something that I could have easily removed myself from. True Christians find the good out of every single circumstance they are placed in. Instead Thomas L found it necessary to “complain”. Perhaps they should have thanked God for the life He has given them and rather than complain to the world via John’s blog thingy, simply said a nice little prayer of thanks to God for how truly amazing He is.
in responce to Genivieve
I did not read in .Thomas L.. post that they claimed to be Christian, only “proudly religious”. Proverbs 16:18 NKJV – Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.
Religion in mans attempt to reach God, when it is God who is reaching to you and I.
And you are right to say a true christian is not to judge the person, only the action.
NOTW
You just said it the way I wanted to say it. Thanks.
Thomas L is from Utah which raises the odds that they may be Mormon. I’m sure the Mormons organize special group trips of their own just as Christians do.
John love your response to See to sea!! Yippe is right!
Now as far as your answers.
After 11 years of marriage my answers
1. C
2. B
3. C oh heck yea!
4. A
WOO HOO,
Big Fans as Allways,
Frank and Bridie
Were doing our tenth cruise in 3 weeks, Looking forward to turning platinum and cant wait for the cooler!! Sweet
See2Sea, if you think the cooler is bad, you should see the pen and paper set, is an absolute embarrassment!
yes but if you are only interested in cruising because of the freebies, you don’t like cruising very much
Am thinking that you and seetosea would have made AWESOME cabin mates on the Titanic……..
So true, so true, thank you Rachel
I’m trying to figure out when drinking (even if excessively), and being loud and obnoxious meant that you had “zero morals.” Really Thomas L?? If there is one thing in this world that truly irks me it is people whose view of the world around them is so completely clouded by religion as to make then nearly blind. That and, of course, the French!
An that Thomas L said they were Texans too. I think Thomas L need to stay in Utah and read HIS bible more.
Love you blog. I am a new reader. My husband and I have sailed 5 times with Carnival. Our number 6th will be on the Carnival Dream for the 2nd time. We have really enjoyed each cruise. This time we are taking our 22 year old daughter and 3 of her friends. We are on the 9th floor and we booked them into a port hole room. (Don’t want them to be too close.)
When people complain about the Dream, I am not sure why. The only problem is that you can never get one of the cute seats that look like sea shells on the adult only deck and sometimes it you don’t time your meal correctly you will stand in line.
So I stand in line and talk to the people around me. I have yet to figure out a way to dislodge larger than life arse from the cute seats.
Thanks for the enjoyment.
Donna
Donna, we just got off the Dream a few days ago and we too had the same issue with the “larger than life arses” in the clam shells on the Serenity! LOL The only day we were able to secure one was when everyone else was in Cost Maya! I even got up at 6:15 one morning to find they were all taken already! SHEESH. But the thing that burned me more than anything, was the two couples that were using two of the comfy shells in the sun, and then also had “reserved” 4 of the comfy chairs in the shade for when they wanted to get out of the sun. So, between the four of them, they had 8 seats reserved!
Other than that, we had a GREAT time. My favorite food line to stand in was the Lanai BBQ!
John,
I too loved your response to See2Sea! Got the cooler on the last cruise and while it’s nice, I must say the thing that makes me feel more special is when the crew (and many, many of them do this) verbally recognize my Platinum status and thank me for sailing with Carnival! Linda
I agree. I just went on my second cruise last year and many of the staff saw the gold card and said welcome back. That is good enough for me. I am not on the cruise to get a free gift but to get away from everything and have a relaxing time.
I am sailing on my 3rd cruise in April on Paradise and a simple hello from the staff will do just fine.
HI John,
I met you in Europe on the Freedom back in April of 2007. What an incredible cruise that was. I will never forget the night you had that lady in the audience up on stage and you two wound up on the floor with her on top of you. TOO FUNNY!!! My wife from back then has passed away in October of 2008 but before her death that cruise was something that sort of completed her life. She had always wanted to see Italy and we saw that and a hell of a lot more too. My girlfriend, who has lost her husband, and I are going to be on the Magic in July. We have known each other for 15 years and she and her husband and my wife and I used to get together for dinners and parties. Kind of funny how things work out. This will be the third cruise for Margaret. I surprise her for her birthday each year and this year I am planning to bring her two sons with us if they agree to go. For me this will be the sixth and I am so excited to see the Magic. From the pictures on the web site it looks really amazing. It looks as though you are going to be the CD whie we are onboard. Don’t worry, I am not planning to bring any speedos.
BY FAR MY FAVOURITE (spelled correctly) BLOG SO FAR
John,
First let me start off by saying I follow your blog thingy and FaceBook daily. Second, I live in Metro Atlanta and I Love the Royal Family. Most time’s when I tell people that, they always come back with… “Diana”??? I have to tell them that the Royal Family started way before Diana. I do love the history of it all. And hope that someday I will cross the pond and see all the things I have read about.
Third, to Thomas L, For someone being so religious you do not sound like it. Does the Bible not say …Judge not lets ye be judged.? I am sure you could have told you matre’D your feelings and he would have helped you find a place where your family would have been comfortable. How about trying a Disney cruise with CCL?? I am sure that you and your family would not be offended by MIckey.
@Sea2Sea – See ya!
So we see that ThomasL cruised on the Conquest and he is from Utah and not TEXAS. From blog’s past I thought everyone on the Conquest was from TEXAS. note the sarcasm
Thomas L – you call yourself “proudly religious” yet you have no problem judging others. Texans? Are you sure? …Oh, I see, because the Conquest sails out of Galveston, Texas. Riiiiggggghhhhhtttttt….
Why didn’t you have the maitre d move you to another table? Not rocket science there Tommy.
Make sure you keep up and don’t complain about drunken Texans with zero morales after the Conquest moves to New Orleans. You’ll have to change your opening to “just got off the Ecstasy ship”…
Go back under your Mall of the Seas troll.
the maitre’d did not move them on account he demanded to be moved, yea, that’ll work, they almost got move to Lido or room service. pb&j anyone?
Any seats available with the “dunk texans with zero morals”? They sound like a lot more fun than the tight arsed Thomas l. From UTAH. Does that really say it all? UTAH!!
That is unfair, judgemental and just plain RUDE Kenneth. There are many lovely, kind and NON-JUDGEMENTAL members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in UTAH, Tommy L is a troglodite in any religion and needs to get over himself. And yes, if you haven”t guessed I’m Mormon and I resent the implication that any one who is of one race, culture or creed is EXACTLY the same as every other person in that same group.
I’m still LOL’ing about the horse comment!
Your reply to Sea to Sea was spot on!
Oh how you make me laugh! Beach ball! Ha ha
Thank you so much for all of the hard work you do to keep us informed, grant requests, and help us through the days as we trudge off to the place that funds our cruising habit! Counting that days until I am boarding my Carnival Legend, then my Carnival Liberty, and then my Carnival Spirit 15 night to Hawaii from San Diego in January, 2012 ( you know the one you are taking Heidi and Kye on as a Christmas present….) LOL!
Yippeee is with out a doubt the correct reply See2Sea!
And I completely agree with Linda above the gift for platinum is nice but it’s the way the crew reacts when you show that platinum card. And they do remember you for the whole Cruise. How they do that I’m not sure as I have a hard time remembering some folks name after 5 minutes!
Hi John!
I can always count on your blog to brighten up the day..especially Mondays! Just got through booking Carnival Cruise # 12 (Triumph March 19th) and #13 (Elation October 15th) with Damien Smart, our beloved PVP! We always bring along a large group of people and Damien always goes over and beyond when taking care of us. I have no special requests or favors (other than a surprise upgrade on our “IS-TBA” Triumph Cruise). Just wanted to thank YOU, DAMIEN, and Carnival for the great experiences you continue to provide!
Wow, Thomas L sounds just like the other 90% of Utahn’s. They complain about life outside of their little bubble and wonder why Utahn’s get a bad name. Sad to say, but in Utah everything shuts down and drinking is highly frowned upon. Thats why people like me frequent Nevada.
Note to self: don’t go to Utah.
That’s okay, if that’s how you feel neither of you will be missed.
How do I contact you by email? I can’t find an email address on your blog site.
Greetings, Mr. Heald.
It has been our pleasure to read your blog. Normally we read the Wall Street Journal, but your rants are much more entertaining. My daughter and I are preparing to embark on our 2nd Carnival cruise. We, boldly, are sailing on the Splendor. Despite its recent publicity, we feel confident in our vacation choice. (Although we are packing an entire extra suitcase with peanut butter, jelly and loaves of bread. Plus the ingredients for Creme brulee and the torch gun…) Recent reviews are glowing and we are really excited about the trip. Sorry to hear about the chap in his underpants at guest services. I locked myself out of the cabin in my bathrobe once, but was none the worse for wear. Just moseyed up to the Lido deck where half the ship was similarly clad and queing up for breakfast!
My favourite story was one about a guy who on the last night of the cruise let his wife to go back to the cabin and pack while he partied. He had listened to the announcements about making sure everything was outside the cabin by midnight so he made it back to the cabin just in the nick of time to take off his close and put them in the case outside the door. He was so drunk that he slept past the disembarkation call for his group, his wife on the other hand decided enough was enough and left him in the cabin.
Realizing that he needed to get of the ship he got showered but then found he had no clothes. So he wrapped the Carnival towel around him and headed to the lobby to leave the ship. As he rushed off the ship the CD who was standing with the customs officer grabbed the towel and pulled it off the guy saying “Carnival property must stay on the ship” the customs officer said “I see he has nothing to declare”
In response to Bob Green……………..
Bob, I was one of the togites on the Freedom 2/12-20. As you stated, we were not allowed to enter the 70′s disco bar by the door security personel. We were allowed every where else we went on the ship that night and greeted most favourably by all we encontered. Our leader “Big T” asked to speak to the head of secuity after being refused entry and was later given permission to enter the Disco. By this time we had grown roots at the Scotts Piano Bar and finished the night at that location.
What I want to know is why he was in his underpants, those staterooms have robes in them, why not wear one of those? Or did that also go in the ocean?
Hi John!
I love you (in a friendly way)
I have been with you since day one on the Funship Freedom. Since then, I am going on my 3rd cruise on JUST THAT ONE SHIP. Wow! And ive been on other ships and cruises too
I love the blog, love you, love all that u do, thanks a lot John, wish i could be with you on the Glory right now! I wish that was on the Didja’Ever list (take a blogger’s cruise)
I tell all my friends about the blog thingee. t. It would be my honor if you would email me! Biggest fan from day 1,
Zack
The Past Guest Recognition program should change from number of sailings to number of days cruised. It is only fair.
Norman H., where are your manners? A simple please would have been appropriate. John is too nice of a guy to not meet your request, but if I were him I wouldn’t even have acknowledged your message…..shame on you. I hope you are raising your children better than that!!
HORRIBLE – I waited two years for this vacation. Sailing on the Carnival Splendor Feb 20-27 2011 was absolutely the worse $5000 I have spent. Originally we were to sail over Christmas 2010 but our trip was cancelled due to the fire in November. We planned our trip around my son’s 16th birthday (Christmas Day 2010) and it was the first cruise my mom had taken since my father passed away three years ago.
1. The first night we were not even served dinner in the dining room until 10:30PM. We were seated at 8:45PM not 8:15PM. We were promptly given menus, water and a dinner roll. Our waiter took our order about 9PM and then nothing (no water refills or even dinner rolls) until our meal was served at 10:30PM.
2. The second night we planned a birthday celebration for my son in the dining room. The celebration consisted of a piece of cake with a candle in it unlike the deserts served to other guest celebrating birthdays. When we complained to guest services, we got the following response “you should have had a whole cake delivered to your table”. But they did nothing to rectify the error.
3. Excursion in PV – the excursion folks never showed up to pick up passengers at the pier. Instead they sent over a representative to hold us for over two and half hours. Finally a representative from Carnival showed up to advise us that they were cancelling the excursion, but it was too late to schedule somthing else. The ship was leaving this port earlier three hours earlier because they also cancelled the the stop in Mazatlan (which I appreciate their concern for passenger safety). However, Carnival made it clear that we would have two full days in Cabo and we could book an extra excursion their with a 25% discount. In reality, we were only able to spend about 1 hour in cabo because of the tender situation, thus leaving many guest feeling as if they were being held hostage. We finally got of the ship at 3PM, but had to be back on board by 6PM. In order to meet our 6PM time, we stood in line to catch a tender back to the ship for 1-1/2 hours which only left us in cabo for about an hour (a far cry from “the whole extra day in cabo” that Carnival promised). I checked with Carnival two days before our cruise regarding the stop in Mazatlan as so many other cruise lines (Princess, Disney, Norwegian) had quit stopping there in mid January instead some of them went to another port, an extra day in Cabo, or gave them passengers an option to rebook on another sailing. Personally, I believe that Carnival knew that they would not be stopping in Mazatlan, but could not afford to have passengers rebook as the Splendor had already been cancelled twice and had been out of commission for three months.
4. With so many passengers stuck on the ship, waiting in lines for up to 1-1/2 hours to get a bite to eat, became the norm.
5. Had to wait up to 2 hours for room service. In fact, when room service finally did show up, my mother asked the gentlemen if he would be so kind to take the morning tray with him. He flat out said “NO” and told her to put it outside her room. She had to ask him to at least hold the door open for her.
6. When trying to buy photos, we asked if they could hold our pictures for 5 minutes as we wanted to get the opinion of others in our party. Again, we were told “NO” by a gal who was too busy texting.
7. When we departed the ship – our ground transportation was not there. We were told again, to wait!!
I have been on other cruises, none of them with Carnival and this was the 23rd cruise for my mom, her first with Carnival. The level of service was a far cry from what we expected. In fact, we had to servers (one in the dining room and one in the casino) tell us that the ship was really NOT prepared to sail and should have waited one more sailing. There were errors on the dining menu and some things listed were not available.
We voiced our concerns with the Guest Services folks on the cruise, but felt as if they did not hear us and quite frankly did not care! All they said was they would note the concerns and someone would get back to us. We heard NOTHING!
John:
We love our coolers. Jealous passengers ask where we got them. Platinum Baby!
No other cruise line gives suites upgrades to Platinum members.
Marie and Bob
John,
Unfortunately some people are just ungrateful no matter what . Don’t much care about Willy and Katie either but the horse comment was dead on ! It could be that the people buying these mugs think that the wife beater beer tastes better in a commemorative mug. Keep it up John
You are so funny. I just wish you would say what you mean
Just stoppin by to say hi…love what you do
This was possibly your best blog ever! Your response to See2Sea was so perfect my cat fell off the desk as I yelled YES with my hands in the air! Scared the poop out of the kitty!!!
I think your test should be sent to EVERY couple upon booking their cruise. Too funny!!!!
You do such a great job! Thanks!
John
Having been married 34 years, hubby and I still get along excellent. When we cruise, I’m the one who will say go smoke while I unpack and get Gene settled in, I will find you. I’m usually the one who is ready to go to dinner on time, and that includes me getting Gene ready also, usually have to wait for hubby to decide what he wants to wear. I usually find hubby having a smoke and looking at all of the pretty, skinny women walking by, which don’t bother me at all. Maybe it is like this because I spend all of my time with Gene,( he is handi-capped) which gives us less time to spend together as a couple, and less time to argue about stupid things. So you will not find my hubby at the guest service desk, he will be the one doing the loud snoring, Gene will be laughing at his snoring and I will be shaking hubby telling him to move over, quit hogging the whole bed.
John,
Just wondering how the sea trials are going with the Carnival Magic? I read that they were supposed to occur during February but hadn’t hears how she did. I will be on the June 3 sailing out of Barcelona and was just curious! Please let us all know of the progress.
I was on the Conquest last year, and I proudly live in east Texas, and I Never saw guests that were rude, drunk or other wise misbehaving!
Damn, I wish I had, they sound like a fun group that don’t have their “panties up their butts!”
buh-bye See2Sea…..later.
hehehehehe Yippeeeeee!!!!!!
GREAT READ AS ALWAYS! Your answer to sea2sea was BRILLIANT! Everything everyone else has said is right on regarding that issue – we too just love the fact that the Carnival folks recognize we are returning customers – that is thanks enough!!
As for your domestic issue on board – HILARIOUS – we were on Paradise 3 yrs ago when a couple was having a fight and it was really awkward. I can’t understand getting in a fight when you are on vacation, but of course it is probably because I’m older and wiser. LOVED THE TEST and I will be giving it to hubby to read befor our Splendour sailing in Oct. BTW we are renewing our vows on that trip so hopefully no clothes go overboard! Well unless we want them to
TAKE CARE – can’t wait till next read.
Thomas L, By deciding that everyone on board who has the gall to drink (I’m not sure what you deem excessive?) at dinner is a rude person, you may have missed out on meeting some truly nice people. I’m actually not sure if any cruise line is right for you since all allow drinking (even Disney!), passengers can be loud on any ship and there’s no guarantee of entertainment that you would enjoy due to costumes, language or humor. Your only real option may be a chartered cruise. It wouldn’t be for me (and I’m Christian) but if you’re that conservative, a mainstream public cruise on any line may not be for you.
I loved John’s response to SeatoSea!!! Considering that there are likely more platinum guests than available suites at sailing, I’m really not sure how that would work!
Dear Put Down, Loud and Drunken Texans,
You all sound like my kind of people. FUN!!!
The people who judge others to make themselves fell better about them selves have miss Jesus message all together. I believe I remember that his first and most important commandment to us was to love one another.
I am definitely gonna have to sail out of Galveston. Texas has the prettiest girls and real men who are not afraid to have a good time. I say keep being the FUN, great and proud people you are and Tom L will not be sailing with us. One more reason to celebrate if you ask me.
The Cruzin2some
I absolutely love your section on the couple’s arguments.I look forward to everything your write.
Hi John,
Recently found your blog and love the sense of humour. You and I think very much alike. Having said that, I would like to ask why I’m perceiving a rift between Carnival and Cruise Critic? I’m involved in organizing a Meet & Greet for my roll call and it was mentioned to me not to let on with Carnival that we’re from Cruise Critic. Any ray of light you can send my way would be appreciated.
We’re cruising June 5th on the Glory (did this last year too) and I’m taking my mom. Figure the entertainment this year will be to take bets on how long it will take for mom to get sea sick. If you want to get in on the game we’ll be in 7453, there’s no minimum.
Thanks for keeping my lunch hours bright and fun filled,
Deborah
John, Don’t you like Latvians? Another butt of your jokes. I think you don’t know enough of them. We are nice people. Try Estonia next time or , a really good one, Russia. I posted before, but I see that you are way behind on answering. You need more “people” John. At least you know where Latvia is. That’s more than most can say. Will be on Carnival Dream end of April. It won’t be close for me til the night before. Keep up the banter, but find another country once in awhile. Juris
Hi Juris! I haven’t perceived John’s Latvian comments as negative at all. From what I have seen, John thinks the women from Latvia are among the most beautiful in the world…and from those I have seen on Carnival ships, I have to agree. Have a great cruise and one day I want to visit Latvia too!
Miami Heat win the 2011 championship?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let’s see them beat a good team first! HAHAHAHAHA!
Great blog John. I laughed out loud while reading it.
Just be glad she didn’t throw him overboard along with his belongings. Imagine the paperwork that would generate!
As for the Platinum gift – wow what ungratefuil sods. I am Platinum on another line too and the only “gift” we got was a platinum pin, even when sailing in a full suite. No picture frames, tote bags, coolers, and especially NO UPGRADES. When I get the cooler or notepad/pen on the Ecstasy in May and again in August I will say thank you. That is what I was taught to do when I receive a gift.
Let’s try these answers for those of us who have been married quite some time:
It’s elegant night and your wife has been getting ready for 3 hours. She finally emerges from the bathroom and asks “Does my arse look big in this dress?” Do you answer?
a. Yes. In fact, if you had to “haul ass,” you’d have to make two trips.
b. I don’t think they allow that much crack onboard. You’re going to be charged with more than simple possession!!!
c. Nobody’s going to be looking at YOU!
d. Move out of the way… I’m trying to watch the video clips from last night’s show.
e. All I know is you should start wiping your chest with Charmin because it sure did make your ass larger!!!
You have been wandering the Carnival Magic for 15 minutes trying to find the RedFrog Pub and realize you are never going to find it without asking for help. Does he say?
a. This is a big ship. This is a really big ship. This is a big ship.
b. Where were we going?
c. Oh, there is the buffet. Let’s get a quick bite before dinner and then we can go to the pub.
d. We are almost there. I’m looking for the elevators that are closest to the pub. We are almost there.
You come back from a wonderful night onboard of great shows, food and fun. You get into bed and realise you have a headache. Does he:
a. say, “When DON’T you have a headache??”
b. start snoring before you can reach for the aspirin
c. gets down on his knees to beg for sex, but gets stuck between the bed and the wall. Maintenance must come to “extract” him from the tiny space.
You arrive at the ship and go straight to your stateroom. Does he:
a. Throw the suitcases in the middle of the floor and flop on the bed
b. Reach for the remote
c. First inspect the fridge
d. First inspect the safe hoping the last guests in the cabin accidentally left a large wad of cash
e. Start snoring before you get the door locked
f. Says “See you later” and wanders to the Lido to drink beer and watch women in bikinis (wearing sunglasses so nobody can follow his eyes!)
g. Live out of his suitcase all seven days instead of putting his clothes in the closet and drawers.
Just a few thoughts after traveling with my dear husband on many Carnival cruises!
John,
I’m a little behind so my comment is a couple of days late! This blog is a riot! One question for you though…… When you are writing your blog at the conference table, do they make you wear a tie with your underpants? Wow! What a story. Thanks for keeping us all in the know, and thanks for all you do!
Calm seas to you!
Scott
John…
Just booked my very first cruise on the Freedom for Sept. 4th.. It will also be my honeymoon… I am engaged to a wonderful man whom is a volunteer firefighter… Without going into too much detail… He has been going through alot lately… Especially taking care of me… I am disabled due to cancer complications and most of the time I’m not able to do a whole lot around the house… He does everything without complaint… He has a full time job and has to take time off work alot to take me to Dr’s appointment’s…. We are also in the emergency room 2-3 times a month and he is always there holding my hand reassuring me that we will get through it all together… This man is literally my world and I was wondering if you could do something special for him… He is truly very deserving…. My thanks in advance…..
Rachel….
An update to the previous post… We have decided to get married on our cruise… If all goes as planned we will be Mr. and Mrs. Collier just prior to our sailing… We are sooo excited!
You are brilliant as ususal. Please forgive if I was too honest with so of the others, some things do get under my skin.
Dear John… WE LOVE YOU!!!! And instead of a honeymoon cruise as we had originally decided it will be our wedding cruise as well… We will be married before we even leave Ft. Lauderdale… Wish like helll you could be the best man or hehehe my maid of honor!!!! Anyway… lovin you n your blog!!!!