Trailer Trash

April 12, 2011 -

John Heald

Yesterday evening, Italy time, I had a conference call about the naming ceremony of your Carnival Magic and thanks to the mute button I could sit there, listen, answer Facebook questions and fart……… And none of the dozen or so people on the call were any the wiser. I was talking to ……….or rather not talking to………..a group of people from our Miami office.

Now, for those of you who have never experienced a conference call, let me explain what happens. They’re exactly like a normal meeting in that nothing happens and nothing gets done and everyone talks bollocks but you don’t have to sit there, remembering not to fall asleep and not to pick your nose in front of President and CEO Gerry Cahill.

I just sat there, in my underpants, drinking Diet Coke and at one point during the call I went to the toilet for five minutes, and when I finally rejoined the conversation nobody had even noticed I’d been away.

Unfortunately, one of the problems with this is that someone from marketing is going to ask for my opinion and I won’t have any clue what they have been talking about because they were in the box and we were outside it, at the top of a flagpole seeing which way the wind was blowing.

I hate meetings but I guess I am the only one because anytime I call anyone at Carnival they are going to a meeting, in a meeting, leaving a meeting to go to another meeting or planning tomorrow’s 39 meetings with a follow up meeting about the previous meeting.

If I was Carnival’s president I would have one rule. If I go to a meeting, only I am allowed to speak and if anyone else speaks they have to wear the Fun Ship Freddy costume at the next 12 meetings.

The naming ceremony is going to be excellent though and because of the journey our godmother Lindsey has been on, I imagine it will be somewhat of an emotional ceremony, as well. I have been to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital twice now and it has made an everlasting impression on me. The one thing that stuck out in my mind when I went to St. Jude is that it is full of people laughing, not bravely or falsely, but just because children, even sick ones, are funny. Paintings, drawings and personal experiences by the kids adorn the hospital walls, my favourite from a 7 year old boy named Max who wrote about how just a few minutes before he was due to be taken for treatment he announced to the doctors that he had eaten a secret bar of chocolate bar half an hour ago………………..brilliant.

And I admit that after my visit I had to spend some time alone, puffing hard on my cigar, counting my blessings that Kye was healthy. The days I spent there I could see the need was obvious and that as cruise director, I am determined that our partnership with St. Jude and our goal to raise $3 million or more is a massive success. I hope that at some point during your vacation you can help me to keep them laughing………….and living.

Time for some Q and A ………………..lets crack on.

Clayton G Asked:

A friend and me will be traveling on may 1 on the magic (cabin 1344). This is my 3rd cruise with Carnival and it will be my 40th birthday. Is there anything special that could be done for me as I have cruised with Carnival twice before. Then I need you to arrange Friends of Dorothy meetings every day at 10:00pm in the piano bar cause on my last cruise on fascination it was done at 5:00pm which was really a stupid time.

John Says:
Hello Clayton G,

I will certainly have Friends of Dorothy meetings as often as I can throughout the cruise and please check your Fun Times for where and when they will be. It certainly will be after sailing and not at 5 pm. I will send you a little birthday gift as well. See you very soon.

Best wishes,


Steve Linton Asked:
Please reply

Mr Heald my concern is that after seeing stories of rude and sometimes dangerous behavior of some passengers I have to ask if Carnival has a plan to deal with them… What if there had to be a ship evacuation? After reading how ineffectively you have gotten certain groups to comply, I fear a time when it be imperative for them to follow directions. I think this matter needs to be addressed and not in a politically correct manner. It seems that you are letting the behavior of a few overwhelm the enjoyment of everyone to enjoy their trip.

John Says:
Hello Steve Linton,

I am not sure as to what you are specifically referring to and I apologise if it is a follow up to something you saw here in the blog but as I am behind in my answers I can’t refer to the subject. There is nothing any cruise line can do when basic regard for other human beings is ignored and the rudeness of guests, although rare, is frustrating to other guests and of course the crew…….In a real emergency or when needed, we of course would take effective steps to make sure everyone did as ordered. If you are referring to a specific thing I would kindly ask that you write back and tell me so I can give you a less generic answer.

Best wishes,


Louise Maplin Asked:

My family were on the Dream for our first ever Carnival cruise and I have one BIG complaint. We are regular cruisers with Celebrity and Royal and have always been able to mail packages back to our home in Edgewater, NJ. We usually buy so much we can’t pack it and the friendly folks at the ships front desk have always done this for us. But not on Carnival. This made me very angry and I was told that you are the person to complain to. Why do you not offer this service that all the other cruise lines do? I have posted this on Cruise Critic so it’s a known fact

John Says:
Hello Louise Maplin,

Well, first of all I hope you had a great cruise and that apart from the postage issue you enjoyed the fun and service that the Carnival Dream crew gave you. I can’t answer for other lines and I am certainly not doubting you, but I have to say I was surprised when I heard that they took packages at the guest service desk. We have a very strict policy about this and I have the official wording here:

Postcards can be mailed each day when the ship is in port. Due to customs regulations, any type of mail other than postcards cannot be mailed from the ship; of course, letters and packages can be mailed from a local post office in the ports-of-call. The postal regulations of the various ports require that the postcards be stamped with a local stamp only (no U.S. postage).

So, that’s the reason and I hope this makes it understandable why your request was refused.

I do though hope you had a wonderful cruise and that we will see you again

Best wishes,


Sam Asked:
please reply

I am thrilled to be cruising on the Carnival Magic Trans Atlantic with three girlfriends but please tell me the piano bar on the Magic will be non-smoking. Putting us in there with the smokers is the same as putting us in a room full of serial killers and having spent so much money for the cruise don’t we deserve the right to enjoy this fun place. Why is it reserved for the rude couldn’t care less smokers who have no morals.

Thanks for your response

John Says:
Hello Sam,

I am very happy that you have decided to join me on the Carnival Magic and you will I promise ………….love this ship. The piano bar will feature a smoking area but the area around the piano will be non-smoking. There are many more non-smoking areas than smoking on the ship and I hope that you will enjoy them all. I look forward to seeing you and your friends soon.

Best wishes,


Carin Asked:

We are cruising on the Valor April 24 and want a large table at the early seating for dinner. Our seating time was confirmed, but every time we ask for a table for 2, we end up being on a big table and then when we ask the Maitre D if he can move us, he doesn’t do it. We are in cabin 6251.

John Says:
Hello Carin,

I have asked the maitre d to do his best to assist you. It is not always possible as we receive many such requests here on the blog and many more directly on board. The maitre d will always do his best to accommodate everyone but that is of course not always possible. Anyway, hopefully this time you will have your table for 2. Have a wonderful cruise

Best wishes,


The Dawsons Asked:
John Please reply,

I suffer from a constant and severe facial twitch brought on by my Lyme disease. This can really trouble other people and while I have grown used to it these last 7 years it obviously embarrasses others. Please then can I have a table for 2 for me and Mother for our cruise on the Legend May 22. Thanks so much for all you do and the laughs you bring so many.

John Says:
Hello The Dawsons,

Thanks for taking the time to write and of course I will do all I can to make this as comfortable a cruise as I can for you and will therefore ask the maitre d to help with your table request. I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes,


Vanity Jane Asked:

I along with other Cruise Critic readers are proud smugglers for two reasons. One is to have a drink (or two or more) in our room before dinner, on the balcony. Second, cost savings. I read your blog today about confiscated booze and wanted you to see the other side of the coin and that’s that there are many rum runners who beat the system. Hooray for us and boo boo Carnival for the BS drink prices.

John Says:
Hello Vanity Jane,



Antiquitys Asked:

John, Please reply

What is Carnivals policy regarding e-cigarettes. An e-cigarette has no tobacco, produces a water vapor that is breathed in and exhaled. There is nothing burning and so no primary or second hand smoke. As such, they should be acceptable to even the worst antismoking people. What do you think?

John Says:
Hello Antiquitys,

With the exception of the dining rooms, we allow these to be used across the ship. I have seen more and more people using them onboard and so far we have very few negative comments about them. If we do, it’s because there is not total understanding as to what they are. Hope this helps. Thanks for asking the question.

Best wishes,


Dante Asked:
John, Please Reply

Will Carnival ever consider a cruise for only singles?


John Says:
Hello Dante,

I think the short answer is no Dante. While we carry thousands of singles each year, we also carry a huge number of families, couples, groups and other guests so I don’t ever see us having a week or more with just singles onboard. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes,


Dr Deany Cheramie Asked:
John (reply if you wish),

Platinum Cruiser needs to take a “Behind the Fun” Tour, then he would realize how hard the entire team works to make his cruise enjoyable and how little some team members receive as salary. After taking the Behind the Fun tour on the Carnival Triumph during our December 27th cruise, my partner and I doubled our tips to our stewards and wait staff. There are some team members who make as little as $75 a month and they send most of that back to their families in the Philippines or Indonesia or Mexico. Tipping them more gives them the opportunity to purchase small luxuries for themselves or send more money back to their families. Fellow cruisers, tip generously! Most of us have been blessed to live in one of the richest countries in the world. I will willingly give up a few cappuccinos so my steward’s kids can have shoes for school this year.

John Says:
Hello Dr. Deany Chermie,

I just wanted to finish today’s Q and A with your wonderful post and I know that the vast majority of your readers would agree with your thoughts Doc. I truly appreciate you taking the time to express your feelings.

Best wishes


That’s all for today. Now with the new ship stuff I am unfortunately going to have to limit the blog to 3 or 4 a week, writing on Monday, Tuesdays and Fridays definitely and maybe Wednesdays as well but definitely 3 for sure. I promise to get back to 5 a week after the ship is sailing but with so much to do I just can’t manage 5. I will though keep you updated every day on the FB and answer questions every day three times a day. Hope that’s ok.

So what’s happening here on the Carnival Magic? Well let’s start with another brilliant update from Preston Bircher who as you know is the entertainment technical manager and the man behind the curtain that makes all our shows so spectacular with his lights, sound, stage scenery and much much more. Here he is:

Hey John… its Preston again, downstairs in the Showtime Theatre! You know that I’ve been doing this a long time. From way back in 1989 when I met you onboard the m/s Jubilee—John Heald the Assistant Bar Manager (I was the only Light & Sound Tech then)—to now—and 22-new-ship-deliveries later for me; I think this ship is going to be the best ship we’ve ever had built. Seriously! Fincantieri is really doing an amazing job. And finally getting to see most things finished as all the coverings were coming off this last weekend for Micky Arison’s site inspection was really just the icing on the cake. (Not to mention seeing the giant entourage behind him smiling ear-to-ear as the inspection was going really well… and you trailing behind all in your sweats… why were you the only one not in a suit?)

Anyway—we had a very productive weekend getting the lighting installed and getting all ready for the scenery to board the ship. All the flashing colors are flashing—all the spinny-lights are spinning—all the light-patterns are… patterning? Chippy, Steve, Dave and Darren were working hard running all thru the labyrinth of catwalks that are laced thru-out the ceiling of the theatre where many of the lights, speakers and special effects are hidden. Hauling very heavy “Vari*Lites” up onto the trusses over the stage and running the miles (should I say “kilometers”? This is Italy, of course…) of control and power cables getting ready for the Final Focus so that the real show can start to take life.

IT’S MONDAY! — Time to meet the Italian Customs Officer at the 1st of the scenery sea-going containers to have the seals broken and doors opened! (I love this part) The first show we’re going to work on is a giant magical-illusion show that we’re producing. It’s like totally huge! And these sets are amazing! Michael Barone and Jack Doyle at Scenery First have done a really cool job! You know, they are the best at scenery-at-sea! Well, not just at sea—just about anywhere. But making all these giant things move and automate and flow so fast on and off the stage while the ship is a-rockin’ and-a-rollin’ is a calculated science. All of the scenery that flies in and out up into the “fly tower” that is sandwiched up into deck-6 (making the entire theatre 5-decks in all—from pit to tower—decks 2 thru 6) has to travel in a guide system that is similar to that of an elevator’s—and at speeds of 600mm a second! It’s a totally different design concept than shows on land. Land theatres don’t list-and-pitch. They do it the best.

(Did you know that the Carnival Destiny was the first ship to have a fly tower? And Scenery First designed those sets as well… Groundbreaking we are here at Carnival, groundbreaking! And you were there, too!) Wow… do I go off on tangents, or what?

The scenery has been ‘at sea’ for over 6-weeks now making its trip from Philadelphia by truck to the Port of New York. Across the North Atlantic to the Italian port city of Livorno; yes the same Livorno that the ship will call on in May. Then trucked across Italy to Monfalcone—our home-away-from-home since 1996. Jack and his team peer into the container to make sure nothing has shifted and damaged. IT’S ALL GOOD! So then it is emptied onto a giant “skid” that is then flown by one of the giant cranes that is towering over the Carnival Magic and onto that special shelf that Fincantieri built just for us… Then we maneuver the giant set pieces thru the atrium dodging and avoiding Joe Farcus’ beautiful glass palm-leaf chandeliers. I asked the shipyard to remove the ones in the theatre under the balcony so that we wouldn’t collide by accident into them… oops. But we got it in the theatre without any mishaps and I can breathe again—and so can Boris the CCL person in charge of the outfitting on the ship. (These sets are big! Did I say that already?)

Wednesday we have container #2 and then the following Monday, containers #3 & #4. Also on Monday we have all the Costumes in their own container and one 40-foot “high-boy” container that is full of illusions!!!! That’s a lot of tricks! (Magicians don’t like it when you say that…) After you add the Entertainment Department containers for all the other gear, games, office supplies, ping-pong tables, Bingo Machine, video projectors, editing suites—there are over 14-containers in all… it takes a lot of stuff to start up a new ship. And that’s just the Entertainment Department. I can’t even imagine the number of containers for the Housekeeping and Food & Beverage Departments!!!!

Gotta run now—I’m going to get some of these pictures I took off my iPhone and onto your iPad so that you can upload them to your PC and hopefully onto your Blog-thingy! (John is getting very technological these days—we even had Skype Meetings a few weeks ago! And got a few visits from Kye and Heidi, too. So good to see them!!!! Kye is truly beautiful.)

Ciao for now John… don’t forget to come down to visit us… in between your blogging; Facebooking; Department Meetings; Captain’s Meetings; Entertainment Staff Meetings; creating the FunTimes for 7-day, 9-day and 12-day voyages; organizing Crew Activities and backing up the brand-new vacuum toilet system!

It’s great to be back together again! Kiss-kiss on both cheeks (Benevento in Italia!)


Thanks mate and at some point I will pop down to see if you have designed me a sparkley G string.

The crew count is now touching close to 900 with the total crew count here being 1,417. Today I decided to make one of the staff solely responsible for the SportSquare and sports activities onboard. The position will be Sports Director and this will go to a brilliant and funny chap and someone who loves the great outdoors and sports, rather like myself actually……and that’s Eli. Congratulations to him.

Once work is finished in a specific area it has to be inspected by one of us before we sign to say we accept it from Fincantieri. This includes every cabin and this morning the cabins on deck 2 were all inspected and agreed and so now the housekeeping staff can go in and set them up, ready for you. Tomorrow deck 6 should be ready.

So obviously none of the crew has to wear uniform yet so after work when the overalls come off the casual clothes come on and that means……..flip flops. Look, I know it’s a cultural thing but I just can’t stand the sodding things. I hate feet. I hate yours and I hate mine. Every time I pass through airport security and the security people with the iron on badge ask me and my fellow flyers to remove our shoes I shudder. Don’t look down…….take my advice, keep your head up otherwise you are in for some vomit inducing horror shows.

One time I saw a businessman with a hairy big toe poking through a hole in a sock, a clear case of nail canker in a middle aged woman and one bloke’s foot was so dirty he could have grown potatoes on it.

I went to smoke a cigar on the pier last night and I was surrounded by flip flopped feet. There is nothing that will put you off your Monte Cristo quicker than a pair of feet with toes so grizzled and hooked that they look like their own could swoop over a river and pick a fish up out of the water. But the crew is doing a wonderful job and now we have close to full compliment onboard with only about 200 still to join us.

Fun Hub debuted on your Carnival Dream and it is here as well on your Carnival Magic. For those who don’t know what this is, let me try and explain.

It has been brilliant to correspond with so many of you, in fact close to 12,000 of you since I became a Facebooker. You know, I thought this was just for spotty kids to talk about their first kiss and Justin Beaver……but apparently teenagers no longer think social networking sites are cool and perhaps they will spend less time locked away in darkened bedrooms and more time carving out real friendships. Some feel that thanks to thingies like Facebook we are losing social skills. That may be the case, but it is also a reality and short of pulling the plug on the internet it is not going to change.

By and large, families do not sit down and eat meals together any more. They do not play board games together. The kids spend their time on their laptops upstairs as Mum and Dad ponder what is going on in the lives of their children. However, extensive research by Carnival’s marketing beards showed that people of all ages enjoy social networking and not just people who wear their pants lower than a snake’s bollocks. The beards then all got together at Carnival HQ and after 298 meetings decided that the Carnival Dream should have the first seagoing social network and that is was so successful they would repeat that success here on your Carnival Magic…it’s called Fun Hub. Terminals are located along the Promenade Deck and for those baggy-panted teens, they are located outside of the Club O2 and Circle C areas, as well.

Now, you can use the touchy feely screen to look at Capers……bugger…the Fun Times, dining options, show times and so much more. It will contain free daily world news headlines and then, of course, you can sign up to the social networking site. Here you can leave messages for your friends and family telling them what you have done and what you are going to do. The way I see it being most used is as a chance for people to meet other people. Want to find someone who likes to dance….leave a message on the Fun Hub. Want to meet fellow bridge players…… leave a message on Fun Hub. Have a dedication for my Morning Show…….leave a message on Fun Hub. Are you 80 years old and want to meet a 23 year old Latvian for some rumpy pumpy while hanging from the rope swing course…..…well bugger off to a different website, please. I will be promoting these stations a lot and as soon as they are ready I will slap some photos here on the blog thingy.

I want to show you photos now of the most brilliant and fun water park at sea. Have a look at these.

As many of you know Gerry Cahill, our president and CEO politely invited me to use the slides with him our Carnival Dream. Well…….when I say politely invited me I mean he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and so my fat arse was on the slides. I hate water, I hate heights, I hate enclosed spaces and as I stood atop the slide I hated Gerry, as well. But……..once down the slide all that all changed and I loved it and the exuberant feeling that it gave. My point is this, if my lilywhite thighs can slide down them……so can yours and the ones on your Carnival Magic look even more fun…….so go on……have a go.

Now I am sure Gerry has some fiendish plan to have me hanging from a rope like Tarzan in a fat suit and well…….as we say where I come from, he has two hopes……Bob…….and bugger all.

Look, I know that nothing I do in my life could ever be considered “cool.” I would love to learn to do something that was though and learn it in secret without any bugger knowing. Then, one day surprise my colleagues at work by coming on stage and playing Rachmaninov’s 2nd Piano Concerto due talent show……speaking to the captain in fluent Italian…..or cooking something worthy of a Michelin star. As it is though my piano skills consist of the first few notes of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I can’t even operate a microwave and the only words I know in Italian are hello, goodbye and my thingy is trapped in my zipper. Cool, is something I am not and there is as much chance of finding me on the end of a rope as finding The Queen at a Starbucks asking for a crapafrapacinno.

But I know Gerry, he is fit and highly competitive ……and I know that he will love it and already be sitting at home dreaming about his Carnival Magic’s rope swing course.

For one thing, he will love the look of the ropes course outfit. Tight boots, harness with metal hanging off, no shirt, talcum powder all over his hands, doing the LeBron James thing with it before he climbs on. And I am sure the various vice presidents and directors who have traveled to Italy with him will tell him how amazing he looks and some may even tell him he looks sexy. Meanwhile there will be me….. hanging on the end of the rope in fear and total terror. As I said, some of Gerry’s VP’s and directors will all be telling him how masterful he was and that he was one with the rope. They will be brown nosing him for sure and if they stand directly under me …..swinging on a rope ………… will be my pleasure to supply the brown for their noses.

And that’s nearly about it for today……except….this. The following is a video that was never ever meant to see the light of day and I am sure that me posting it is going to result in a senior Carnival beard’s foot entering my bottom. You see, a few of the beards at the office had a bit of fun with our new ship and came up with this brilliant trailer and even though it was thrown in the trash, it was rescued by Super Spy PA007 who sent it to me. I think it is really funny and isn’t fun what we are all about. So here it is, a trailer for your Carnival Magic….with a guest appearance by a near naked me. Enjoy.


Your friend

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

84 Responses to Trailer Trash

  1. wil-da-beast says:

    HI John…Loved, loved the video of the Magic…Can’t wait, why did I book in October instead of earlier. Also loved your screen saver…I told you that I love that picture of Kye. Guess that’s enough of Love for now, but one last bit of love for the Heald family..Regards A&W@

  2. Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

    John, the trailer is brilliant! As you know, 243 of us got an accidental sneak peak at it yesterday and I’m thrilled the rest of the world can see it now!

    Ms. Louise Maplin… I didn’t know that simply posting something on Cruise Critic made it fact. I that case, I shall post that I am the new President and CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines! John, how did you not crack up when you replied.

    All the best to Heidi, Kye and, of course, you my friend.


    Host Mach

  3. Liz says:

    Those slides look fun, and oh my, the chocolate cake melted – who would have thunk it! 🙂

  4. mary fairbanks says:

    I am laughing so hard right now at the video, I think it would be great to have on T.V. See you for 28 days in October.

  5. E & E Beards,

    Please go to to the incoming box message rules and set it up where any message containing the words “Cruise Critic” or “CC” be sent right to SPAM. The good people at Cruise Critic don’t need these troll using the name of CC to add credence to their posts and rants. The good people at CC know they don’t have to plaster CC in their comments for John to reply. Plus I’m just getting so sick of reading their plain BS crap. Plus I don’t think John needs to see or reply to them.

    To all the good people at Cruise Critic I’m sorry but I just had to ask this of E & E Beards.

    BIG Ed

    • Irene Garner says:

      The post from Vanity Jane also proves your point

    • Karen(formerly Techmom) says:

      Sing it Big Ed!

    • Sallie says:

      Thank you Ed. You are so right and the majority of us that read and love John’s Blog and also read Cruise Critic do not demand, snipe, use rude language or think that Cruise Critic is the be all end all. These people embarrass us. Heck, even if I didn’t read Cruise Critic I would be embarrassed with some of the postings I have read here on John’s Blog under the guise of “I am a CC snob”.

    • go big ed! you tell ’em!

      smiles, bee

    • Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

      Ed, for one, that was entirely unfair. A huge number of people who read the blog, comment here and sail often on Carnival would be as offended as I am.

      As I’m sure you’re aware, Cruise Critic isn’t the only cruise forum rife with rude, demanding people but it does happen to be the biggest by far. There are no qualifications to be a member of Cruise Critic and, to tell you the truth, many of the folks who come here threatening in the name of Cruise Critic likely aren’t even members.

      I could care less if you attack the individual but do not attack the organization… we have no more control over what they say than you do.


      • Bill Heck says:

        Perhaps Ed was explaining that Cruise Critic is a good organization with lots of fine members, but he was tired of suffering fools that wrap themselves in CC to make a point?

      • Host Mach, I ask you to read it again slowly. I’m defending the “good people at CC by saying “The good people at Cruise Critic don’t need these trolls using the name of CC to add credence to their posts and rants. The good people at CC know they don’t have to plaster CC in their comments for John to reply”.

        I also apologized to the “good people at CC” in the last sentence. I have nothing against the good people at Cruise Critic just the trolls that come here needlessly using the good name of Cruise Critic.

        I apologize again if I was not clear in my first comment.

        BIG Ed

      • Peter Bartlett says:

        And that is the problem.

        Maybe you as a host should exercise a little more control over your members.

        I wounder how many people go to the Cruise Critic boards and decide NOT to cruise.

        Thanks to John for correcting Cruise Critic again and again and again.

        • Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

          We have no more control over our members than John does about who posts on his Blog or face book page… less, actually.

          Cruise Critic is an open forum with rules and guidelines that must be followed ON THAT FORUM. We can’t control what anyone says here or on any other forum. Things just don’t work that way. It’s called freedom of speech.

          Regarding Ed defending Cruise Critic by asking John to send any comment with ‘Cruise Critic’ in it to a spam folder… odd way to defend, don’t you think? Sounds like bashing to me.

          • Peter Bartlett says:

            Cruise Critic is not an open forum. It is a business designed to sell ads as well as being on part of a much larger travel related business.

            You have total control over what post stay and what post go. Why not at least do a little fact checking. That would be a nice start.

            The good news is there are many places on the net for cruise talk without the mean spirited folks so common on Cruise Critic

          • Gary Gantz says:

            First, Thanks, John for a great blog post!!

            I didn’t consider the comment from Ed to be “bashing” at all. I think I might have actually gotten the intent – and agree for the most part.
            I just think someone might have had a mini-stroke when considering the idea of their daily posts going to Spam because of the Host @ CC tag line.
            Let it go, Greg, it’ll be OK – I promise.

    • phoenix says:

      This would be a good thing. For one, we’d never have to read anything from this Mach person again, who needs to have “cruise critic” right in his name. How condescending is that?

      Cruise Critic has become the scurge of the net.

  6. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear John,
    Congratulations on your diet working so well for you!

    No more snobish Herbalife representatives telling you that they can help.

    No more Bahama Mama Marys pushing you around.

    No more waiting until after the lights are all turned out before you look at yourself naked in the mirror.

    You look SEXY my friend.

    Watch out for all the Frenchmen that will want to pinch your buttocks though.

    The Cruzin2some

    • Lulu says:

      adding my own two cents to the discussion about smuggling: the last time i smuggled something i was attending a motley crue concert, and it wasn’t a reunion show. if you cant afford the prices for the drinks, or havent budgeted enough money to cover all your expenses, maybe you should drink less, save more, and stop trying to “beat the system”. save the sneaking around for the teenagers….

  7. Rev Barb in Canada eh? says:

    Thanks for rescuing that awesome trailer from the trash!! Hilarious. Made up for the rude questions you had to so politely answer!

  8. Elliesue says:

    The video WAS brilliant and I hope people took the time to pump up the volume and listen to the last 20 or so seconds!

  9. Rita Presnell says:


  10. Nadine (GlendaleCruiser) says:

    Love the video! So glad we are going on a Fun Ship and not one of those boring (blecchh) cruiselines.

  11. Doug Hilton says:

    Vanity Jane, it is cruisers like you that give Carnival a bad name. If you want to smuggle booze on board, go right ahead, but bragging about it, especially to our friend John, is only making it more difficult for those of us only wanting to bring on a bottle or two of nice wine. Seriously people, what the heck is the sense in getting so drunk you can’t remember how much fun you had?

  12. Angel says:

    to Louise Maplin:

    since when has RC did this..We were on the Seranade to Alaska and yep we bought to much, when I asked the front desk, they said box it up and mail it in port..We did, only to find out the custom guys was not there when we went to go ashore so we had to buy more suitcases and un pack the stuff…SO NOT ALL RC DO THIS…

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

      Thanks Angel for the correct information.

      Sounds like one of the Royal Chumps got it wrong….AGAIN.


  13. Charles Forshee says:

    John I think that you couldn’t look any better. Try keep up the good look on the video.
    I can’t see why they didn’t want to use it. Seeyou in Galveston.

  14. Henrietta Bellows Lala says:

    It was the bomb!
    I’m glad they announced at the end that “…No sexy Cruise Directors were harmed in the making of this video.” Was a bit fearful a unicorn might have been startled when someone took off for the moon causing the poor animal to bolt onto the water slide, inadvertently goring you in an unfavorable place, and causing damage to the poor animal while the flaming hoop was used by the opportunistic crew to burn your skivvies when they had the chance.
    Should be entered in the Cannes Film Festival, if they ever let you back in France.

  15. Leon Biesiadecki says:

    As far as the Fun Hub, make sure they don’t prevent the Carnival site from being accessed through WIFI. It is on the Dream, you can’t get to it from a laptop, and when Carnival puts something on their site in a .pdf you can’t read it on Carnival’s computers (they don’t allow downloads of any files) and you can’t get to it on your own laptop because it isn’t accessible through WIFI. It was a very irritating situation when we weren’t able to access some instructions from Carnival while out at sea!

  16. Frank and Bridie says:

    John that video is hillarious!!!
    You sexy cruise director you!

    Big Fans as Always,
    Frank and Bridie

  17. Robyn says:

    Love the trailer, its bloody brillant!!! Does anyone know if the people at cruise critic are all on meth?

  18. Ellen Heath says:

    Dear John, Loved your article about the new Carnival ship, the Magic. I have been on 9 Carnival cruises, going on my 10th in August, unfortunately not on the Magic, but on the Sensation. I would love to go on the Magic if it came to the states. Just so anyone who reads this, I hope they have the opportunity to go on the Magic or any other Carnival ship in the fleet. I haven’t had a bad cruise yet on Carnival.

  19. Ashley says:

    Caren, have you ever thought of doing anytime dining? That will guarantee you get a table for 2.

  20. Kyle Harris says:

    Really?? Really?? Smokers are the same as serial killers? Get real Sam. You, and I for that matter, may not like being in the same room as smokers, but they are not the same as serial killers.

    • Sallie says:

      Here here Kyle and Sam, I have not smoked in a while but if I know you were in the same room as I, I do believe I would light up again just because.

      Sallie the smiling Serial Killer

      • Secondhand smoke my kill a person if they live in a one room apartment with a 3 pack a day smoker. But the smoker may live to be 100 after watching that person die from cirrhosis of the liver but that’s OK their drinking didn’t bother anyone else.

        BIG Ed

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


      I am beginning to think that these kinds of blatant ignorant rude statements are actually coming from a smoker trying to build sympathy for “their cause”.

      This sounds like a “smoking troll”….

  21. Sharon says:

    Thanks to SuperSpy PA007 for saving the trailer, it’s brilliant!!

  22. shari seibert says:

    The video was so cute…almost Magicating!!

  23. Marty Paul says:


    Loved the “trailer”! A perfect fit for this ship going to the fun-loving folks of Texas (and Kansas and Oklahoma and Louisiana, etc).

    The trailer was like a SNL short film. Very funny. By the way, it looks like you have been a regular at the gym…

    Marty (& Jeanne) Paul

  24. Babsie says:

    Love the trailer!!! But, I am definitely sick of the rude and demanding CC people.
    It makes me embarrassed to be a member,but, to be honest the majority of us have the manners to say please and thank you.

  25. Steve O says:

    Terrific blog Mr. Heald. You are so kind when you answer some of the ridiculous comments and requests. I’m constantly amazed how gently you respond to some of that crap.

    Loved the info on the Carnival Magic…can hardly wait for Oct. 28th to get here….especially KNOWING how much you truly LOVE those Transatlantic voyages. Eleven “Fun Days at Sea”…can’t wait. I will be bringing you a “surprise” that will have you pretty happy for the 16 evenings it takes to get all the way to Galveston?

    The video is (as you would say) BRILLIANT!! Loved the photo of your NEW body…WOW, people will be chasing you all over the ship trying to “get” some of THAT (rather than just stalking you, like we do now)

    I’m hoping that Radu gets some good pics of you and Gerry on the new Rope Course…swinging above the brown nosers. Has anyone told Mr. Cahill that you are looking forward to some sort of “contest”?

    Your OLD mate,
    Steve O

  26. I bet Heidi just laughed when she saw the trailer which I just loved.


  27. Denise says:

    Hi John,
    You had mentioned before a rate per day “all inclusive with drinks” kind of thought was going around. We are going to be sailing on Liberty in February 2012 and would like this option if it were to be available. Is there any more info coming down about it yet?


  28. Cindy Salmon says:


    John, I’ve gotta tell ya, it’s gotten to be depressing reading the questions and answers lately. It’s nothing but beggars, whiners and complainers, and seems to be getting worse. I wish they would all just go on the “Ugly of the Seas” and leave the Fun Ships for us fun and happy people. I’m so glad they all want a table for 2, because I love the big tables and the chance to meet fun, happy people. I still love your blog and will continue reading it every day, but I’ve got to skip the questions 🙂 It’s too much of a downer.

  29. Erick Guttierrez says:

    John, that is a brilliant video! I laughed so hard at it. I think they should totally show it on T.V! Hope all is well and you enjoy getting everything ready for the maiden voyage! Good luck and smooth sailing

  30. stephanie aka hockey addict says:

    Hi John!!!

    First of all, a big shout out to Eli! We sailed with him in january on the Carnival Fascination. He is sooo funny. He was a blast in the liars club show. You have a gem there for sure!

    Secondly, I loved the video! Thanks for posting it!

    Can’t wait to see more pics of our Carnival Magic!

  31. Mark Thomas says:

    Carnival Magic looks like a blast, even if there really isn’t a frog and the water slide isn’t quite as long as they say. On that note, when do we see the video of you going down the slide???

  32. Martha says:

    The video was fantastic. Wish it had a share button!

  33. Janet says:

    outstanding video John, thanks for sharing that with us!

  34. MaryC says:

    Brilliant John. Thanks for sharing the video with us.

  35. Sharon H. - Texas says:

    After seeing the video trailer, I am even more excited about our June 2012 cruise on the Magic.

    You must have a word with the Beards, though. The pictures on your blog don’t even begin to do you justice…guess if the “real” you was revealed, you’d be overrun with fans.

    Any chance you’ll still be CD in June 2012?

  36. Leslie says:

    Hi John. Please Reply my arse! I DEMAND a reply! I am a platinum cruiser and also a CC member and I WILL be heard!

    Seriously, the above is really true. I am a platinum cruiser edging on milestone. I also read the CC message boards, but I for one would never demand anything. Especially from someone as kind as you. Keep up the good work but make sure you have a good balance. I think you strech yourself way to far, and graciously I might add.

  37. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    The only downside to this video is that now some intellectually challenged tourist is going to see it….sail on the Magic and then complain when there is no unicorn or flaming hoop onboard.


    Linda (Mom of your friend ~headed to Talladega this weekend with Carolyn and Don~ DJ)

  38. Alana Owen says:

    John, you sexy beast! I had no idea what you had going on under that pin stripe suit! LOL!

  39. DannyK says:

    I hope I’m wrong, but if just the “area around the piano” is non-smoking it will be kind of useless having smokers in the same lounge. It could be just like the non-smoking blackjack tables in Vegas where smokers stand two feet behind the players and blow smoke down the back of their necks. Without a physical barrier, having most of the piano bar as a smoking area will not accomplish much.

    • Give you the prime seats right by the piano and you still got to -itch. You will never be happy.

      BIG Ed

      • DannyK says:

        I don’t want the prime seats if you’re standing there blowing smoke two feet away. It’s as useless as the old sign on airplanes as if somehow smoke magically will not pass by an imaginary line in the air.

  40. Kathy M says:

    Hi John,

    Please Reply,

    I just had to tell you that what Louise Maplin said about Celebrity and RCL mailing packages for her is a lie. My very first cruise was on RCL and I had purchased a glass blown Dolphin (now one of my collection of 300 dolphins) and I was afraid that it might get broke coming home so I went to RCL’s guest services and asked if they shipped packages and I was told “NO” and that no cruise line did that because of the postal regulations in the different countries and that they could not guarantee me that it would not be broken in shipment. So I know for a fact that they do not do that.

    I to would like to commend Dr Deany Cheramie for giving the crew a larger tip. I am a single cruiser and I know that they lose tip money when I am the only one in the cabin, so what I do is split the 2nd persons tip between my room stewards and my dining room waiters and I add more to it. John, those crew members work so hard, and I appreciate all of the little extra’s that they do for me. When I cruised RCL, the crew’s attitude was so different then with Carnival and that is why I know will only cruise on Carnival.

    John, I was wondering if Heidi and Kye will be on the Maiden Voyage with you, I sure hope so.

    Please give my love to Heidi and Kye,
    From your #1 Bloggy Thinggy Fan,

    Kathy M.

    BTW, I have about 10 people who will be going on the Splendor Bloggers Cruise with you next year. I think we will hit more then 100 guests, I sure hope so. Kathy

  41. orieyenta says:

    I love the video! Anyone else hoping that the next video will be John on the water slides? 🙂

  42. ron wilk says:

    Brilliant trailer! Is your daughter looking forward more to seeing Daddy or the unicorn ride?!

  43. LadyJag (Laura) says:

    Oooo! I want a unicorn ride through a ring of fire! Please? Is there a sign-up at the Shore Excursions desk? 😉


  44. Helene Barness says:

    LOL 2 things – “ummmmmm…..CHEERS?” ahhhhhhhh that was brilliant

    and the “fine print talking at the end of the video” LOL no unicorns or frogs were hurt during the filiming of this video. OMG I am laughing out loud for sure.

    Thanks again for my daily smile! While I understand your need to cut down as you are so busy – alas I will miss your writings.

    Cheers John – you make an already fantastic company that much better!

    H Barnes

  45. BarB says:

    For Vanity Jane.

    I was a member of CruiseCritic for several years. It was, at one time, the very best cruise forum on the web.

    I recently dropped my membership and removed my profile (and others have, too..friends, web buddies, etc).

    It has turned into a nasty, mean-spirited forum of folks much as yourself. Your entire cruise experience seems to be how to best overcome ALL the rules..and then brag about it. You brag about “getting over” on the cruiseline: how to use one soda card for the entire family, how to use the free lemonade and tea for your smuggled booze, what type of container to bring so you can stock up on the free orange juice at breakfast so you can us it as a mixer, how you can strategically space your family and friends around the room when comp cocktails are being you can get as many free drinks as possible, brag about how many freebies you can toss down in 45 minutes.

    Booze isn’t the only trashy issue. Smoking vs nonsmoking becomes nasty and hate filled, wishing each other a slow and painful death and blaming smokers for the downfall of society in general.

    When I first became a member of CC, it was the greatest. Lots of old timers with good advice to the newbies, with answers to questions. Lots of good posts about ports, hotels, what to do and see, best place to be for sunsets or the sail away party.

    I watched it deteriorate, especially in the last few years, into a forum for disrespectful, annoying, “the rules don’t apply to me” folks…and complaints about compensation, rants about missed ports “horrible service”, “ruined cruises” for some minor inconvenience.

    It no longer has anything to say to me…I’ve been cruising for 35 years but am always looking for something I don’t know, sometimes looking for some good advice, or the experiences of others. It’s no longer available on CC..and it’s a shame.

    Continuted good luck to you smugglers and others on that forum. You folks are a good audience for each other.

    • Peter Bartlett says:

      The problem is many of the nasty, mean-spirited post are from the people with the most post.

      IMHO I think Cruise Critic likes the “nasty, mean-spirited” post as they drive traffic to the site. Otherwise the host would control all this.

      And remember Cruise Critic is all about selling ads and making money.

      • BarB says:

        That may be true.

        However, at one time, it was a great go-to website for information, having questions asked, good “cruise news”, etc.

        I don’t know exactly when it changed..I wasn’t much of a “frequent” poster, for sure. But when you have to scroll page after page to find anything worthwhile; when post after post is simply irrelevant to honest cruise info and instead turns into personal attacks, cat fights, bashing the cruise line or the ship, there really isn’t much honest info…..

        I found another site where there is some civility and where you can actually get CRUISE information without listening to a lot of adolescent quarreling and pure insults.

  46. John,

    The trailer was great. It had me chuckling all the way through… especially about 53 seconds into it. It’s good that the beards really do have a sense of humor (spelt correctly). After seeing this trailer, I have to agree with Schmooze Schmitic… WOW.
    The other thing the trailer did was have me scurrying around the internet trying to figure out a way to book the Magic for my next cruise. (I couldn’t book it yet, but I’m still dreamin’ and schemin’)

    Before I go, I want to say that I’m especially glad that no British cruise directors were harmed in the making of the trailer.

    Memories of Naked Fanny

  47. Michael says:

    “I have posted this on Cruise Critic
    so it’s a known fact.”
    I am going to get a t-shirt made up with this for my next Carnival cruise.☺☺☺

  48. Peg Dunbar says:

    Loved the Carnival Magic trailer, you are smoking hot John 😀 You may want to even out your tan though, just a suggestion 😉

    Keep smiling John; you truly are one of the good guys.

    My best to Heidi and Kye.

  49. Rob Shay says:

    John, That should of been CCL’s Superbowl AD it was better than any that played, Loved it!

  50. Janet says:

    Dear John,
    I have to chuckle every time I read a comment about people complaining they can’t get a table for 2 in the dining room. My husband and I have been trying now for 4 cruises to be placed at a large table with other people. No such luck – we get a table for 2! The one time we were moved to a large table, yep, you got it – there was only one other couple seated there. Heck, we have dinner alone every night – we go on a cruise to meet and talk to guests from all over. It’s such fun and a great learning experience especially on the European cruises. So the guests that have large tables, we’ll be glad to trade!!

  51. E says:

    Love the video!!! “Get magicated” – how cool! That was so droll. Kudos to your marketing folks. I ordered the RCI video the other day because I was considering them for a future cruise and was so underwhelmed by the footage. Y’all really know how to sell your ships.

    • Cyn says:

      LOVE LOVE LOVE the trailer! Thank you to all the folks who took the time to create such a thing. It really is the small things that brighten your day.
      Really. Thank you.

  52. Linda Evans says:

    I…loves the FUN- MAGIC trailer. Congrats to the creative minds that put that marketing masterpiece together. That’s what needs to be on the TV commercials. The competitor commercials including the CCL present commercials don’t command my time to watch. All I hear is blah-blah-blah but this “throw away trailer” is the real deal. This is real imaginative advertising at it’s best. IT’S MAGIC.

  53. Lori Lumley says:

    John, my husband Cary and I just returned from our 5th anniversary cruise on the Miracle.It was his 5th with Carnival and my 9th We had a most wonderful time as usual!We were fortunate enough to be able to participate in the GROOVE FOR ST. JUDE, and excited to find that when I tried to purchase a St. Jude bear, they were all sold out!

    I just wanted to say thanks to you and to Carnival for their support of St. Jude. I am a nurse and worked there for 4 years, having left in 2010 and moved down to Florida. What a thrill it was to see my favorite cruise line working to help my favorite kids in the world!! I just wanted to let people know that every penny is appreciated and put to the best use possible; every employee is very aware of where those donation dollars come from and you can be assured that they use everything for the benefit of the patients and their families.

    I am so glad to hear you have had the chance to visit Memphis and the hospital, so I know you are well aware of what a (surprisingly) happy and hopeful place it is. I wish that all your cruise staff could have this opportunity as well so they could truly understand the great work that is going on there. Miracles continue to happen every day! Thanks again so very much.

    Lori Lumley

  54. Alex G. says:


    LOVE THE VIDEO!! Now watch someone go to the Shore Excursion Desk to say, “What do you mean you don’t have shore excursions to the moon??” LOL!

    Alex G.

  55. Kim says:

    I want to be Magicated! I want to ride the unicorn through the ring of fire! Loved loved loved this trailer!!
    I finally took my first cruise last week and am still in withdrawal mode. This trailer made the cravings intensify. Must. use. future. cruise. certificate. SOON!!!!!
    Thanks Johns for the giggles and grins! I’ll sit down and write my review of the Carnival Legend very soon.

  56. My husband & I are sailing the Magic on May 10 and will have our 5 year wedding anniversary while on the cruise (May 20!). We’ve been looking forward to this trip for a year now and are thrilled to be sailing with you very soon! Love your blog and can’t wait to meet you!

    Shelly in Stow, OH

  57. Brenda Riffle says:

    The video is great! Thanks for posting it.

  58. Brenda says:

    Loved it!!! Are you loosing weight? You actually look HOT in that ad!!!!


  59. Jacquie A says:

    Hey John,

    I just wanted to say I totally get what you mean by the meetings… Sometimes I wonder why everyone wants to meet just to waste everyone else’s time. Lucky for you, you get to have a phone and a mute button, I’m the person trying not to fall asleep 😉


    PS. Super excited to see the Magic in person!

  60. This is very informative and entertaining. Keep it up!

Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved