Billy Gates from Microsoft and whoever owns Dell computers (we shall call him Mr. Dell) are off my Christmas card list forever. I am not sure which one of them is to blame but let it be said on this day the 28th of June in the year 2011 that if either of them knocked on my Carnival Magic cabin door they would be greeted with my foot being imbedded in their arse followed closely by a monitor, hard drive and a keyboard still with the mouse attached.
I mentioned the other day that the I/S team had somehow miraculously managed to repair my computer and all seemed well. But this morning about an hour after having finished this blog I went to the bathroom and when I came out of the bathroom my computer had died. So, let’s get this straight. In the 10 minutes between me having a number two and returning to my desk, the computer decided it was bored and that it would commit suicide taking my blog and all my other work with it. I called the I/S chaps and they came down and did this and did that and shook their heads. I knew that it was all over though when one put a white sheet over the monitor, patted it on the hard drive and whispered “sleep well.” They then pronounced it extinct and carried it out slowly, heads bowed. I don’t know what happens to dead computers but I hope this one is crushed and turned into a piece of medical equipment that’s used in colonoscopies in Paris.
And so here I sit having to write this blog all over again which means my whole day is now completely buggered. Bill Gates and Mr. Dell my arse. Yes, yes, I know they have both given billions to charity which is, of course, very nice of them but how about investing just a couple more dollars in making sure fat British cruise director’s computers don’t just suddenly give up working. I am sure these men go to sleep at night knowing their money is bringing health and hope to those less fortunate than themselves which is of course everyone else in the entire world, especially the poor sods that own one of their computers.
Still, my anger is helped just a little by the fact that Bill Gates wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror and realises: “Oh bugger. I’ve still got this face.” And deep down, he’s still a computer geek, which means he has the personality of Harriet my hamster. I hope he also knows that every second of every day of every year someone is pressing “control, alt, delete” and calling him a complete and utter bastard as his system eats your files.
I bet they’re boring as well. I bet you would be bored stupid if you had to sit next to one of these people at dinner. Most of us try to light up a room for two reasons: because it might result in some rumpy pumpy, or it might make us richer. But if you’ve got more than a billion in the bank, chances are you can bounce around on top of whatever Latvian model takes your fancy. You don’t need to be funny, or passionate. You just need to yawn, give her something by Cartier, and hey presto, you’ll be playing wheelbarrows until dawn.
And there’s definitely no point talking, or listening, to other men because you’re already much richer than they are and all they want is some of your money. And you can’t be bothered with any of that because a six-foot Latvian super model has just walked into the room and you’re thinking of eating Caspian caviar out of her belly button. The fact of the matter is this. It’s very hard to be friends with someone from a different income bracket. You want to go on a Carnival cruise while their vacation is buying a private Caribbean island and filling it with peacocks, caviar and Latvians. You watch Gordon Ramsey on television. They had him round to cook for a private dinner party. And they paid him so much he agreed to serve the food himself……while wearing a pink g-string. See what I mean? Well, now put yourself in Bill’s and Mr. Dell’s shoes. They are two of the richest men in the world. That means they can’t be friends with anyone ….. Certainly not me ……not after yesterday. Now, I have a replacement computer. It’s another Dell and it’s powered by Microsoft or as I like to call them these days………Laurel and bloody Hardy. It’s hard to describe how angry I was when I lost all of today’s blog and all my photos of Kye and a lot lot more………….actually, I felt a bit like this
Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.
Vinita Brooks Asked:
Is there any reason why Carnival did not have any church services in the chapel on the Legend when I cruised? Why have a chapel if no Minister?John Says:
Hello Vinita BrooksYou are correct of course that all the Spirit class ships have chapels and that for the majority of the year we do not have a religious program on our ships apart from the odd occasion when we bring on ministers, priests and rabbis to conduct services. We do have the chapel for guests to use as and when they need to plus it is used by groups who may require Bible study or bring their own leader with them to conduct services. I do hope you had a fun cruise though and if you have any other questions I am here to do my best to help.
Best wishes
JohnM/M Robert C. Fasoldt Asked:
Hello John!My wife and I are VIPs and have been on countless cruises with you as our Cruise Director and try to take cruises that you will be on. We just booked the 14 day repositioning/Panama Canal cruise out of Tampa on the Inspiration departing on December 3rd. It would certainly be a pleasure if you are our cruise director. Will you be on that cruise??
We hope so,
Bob and Naomi FasoldtJohn Says:
Hello Bob and Naomi FasoldtFirst of all thanks so much for the kind words and your loyalty to Carnival. Unfortunately I will not be on the Panama Canal cruise with you but I know that it will be a brilliant voyage. I do hope that one day soon we get to sail together again and until then I send my very best wishes to you both.
John
Brenda M Asked:
I am a Platinum card holder and my next cruise on the Paradise will be my 14th but I still have to come to this blog of yours to get a confirmed reservation for a table for 2. Why don’t you have a concierge service like American Express? I am a Platinum Card Holder with them and when I need something I call a special line. Carnival should have this service for me as well. I need a table for 2 guarantees for my friend and me for the Paradise. We cruise on July 1st in state room M77 and once again this is my 14th cruise!John Says:
Hello Brenda MWell that’s not such a bad idea actually, a Platinum and Milestone dedicated call line. I shall certainly bring this up with the beards for you. Meanwhile I will ask the maitre d to assist you with your table reservation and he will do his best to honour this. Thanks so much for your loyalty and I hope cruise number 14 is the best yet.
Best wishes.
JohnRuth and Malcolm Doyle Asked:
My wife and I have both just read the bestselling book Cruise Confidential and it has put us off cruising with Carnival again. How can I vacation with a cruise line that either treats its workers like later day slaves or allows them to treat life below stairs like Sodom and Gomorrah? I have passed the book to some friends of mine so they can see for themselves and they have cruised with Carnival three times. You should be ashamed.John Says:
Hello Ruth and Malcolm DoyleUsing Cruise Confidential as a guide to cruising is like asking me to guide you round a gym. Or like reading a book on Cage Fighting by Richard Simmons. Or a book on Nuclear Physics by Paris Hilton. Or a book on Great Lap Dancing Clubs of the World by The Dalai Lama. It’s fiction, pure 100% fiction. That’s a promise from a crew member who has worked “below stairs” for nearly 25 years.
Best wishes
JohnPaul Wenzel Asked:
Hi John,My wife and I just returned from our first cruise. We were on the Fascination on the 14 May sailing. I just want to send thank you to some of the staff that made our first cruise special. First in the dining room our “supercharged” maitre’d Joseph was funny and help make our dinner time enjoyable. Our wait staff “V” from India and I Wan his assistant were the best and always made my wife and I feel special. The cruise director Henne and his staff were fantastic. Really entertaining. Jay the karaoke host was over the top funny. Please pass our kudos to the appropriate people. Thanks,
Paul and Missy.
John Says:
Hello Paul WenzelThanks so much for this great review and it is one that I will pass to the ship. I know that those mentioned will be thrilled at what you have said. It sounds like you had loads of fun and that makes me very happy indeed. Best wishes to you both and hope we see you on board again soon.
John
Carrie Peru Asked:
Dear John,Just wanted to say thank you for your blogs! They are fantastic and I appreciate your humor and honesty! My husband and I will be sailing the Magic on Sept 27th. I hope that you will be on the ship! I have two questions if I could ask you please. My first is about shore excursions in Rome I can’t decide on Rome at its best or Highlights of Rome and the Vatican Museum. Rome at its Best goes inside to the Coliseum the Highlights excursion reaches the Sistine Chapel which I am interested in as well. Can you please give me your opinion it will help me make a difficult decision. Also in Naples I am undecided on doing the Positano, Sorrento and Pompeii excursion or Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri. I just don’t know which would be better to do the drive all the way to Amalfi or to visit the Island of Capri. Please let me know John I would seriously appreciate your input. Thank you and I am really enjoying your blogs, but am fairly new to them.
Cheers
CarrieJohn Says:
Hello Carrie PeruIt won’t be long before you are here with us on your Carnival Magic. I can tell you that both excursions are amazing and it is I know so difficult to decide. I have been on both and while the Coliseum is outstanding I truly think you must see inside the Vatican to experience the sheer presence it has and of course to witness close up the incomparable Sistine Chapel and the extraordinary work of Michelangelo. In Naples, it has to be Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri which lets you see all three of the must see places in the Naples area. Those would be my choices. Please let me know if you have any other questions and I will see you soon. Best wishes
John
Jose Marquez Asked:
Will Carnival ever return to printed brochures as I really miss them?John Says:
Hello Jose MarquezI know there are others who miss them as well but there are no plans in this online world we live in to return to the printed brochure.
Best wishes
JohnPatrick Casey Asked:
John,I am not too sure you can help me but I hope maybe you can. My wife and I have run in to a serious issue and let me explain. We are taking a cruise in October and we planned on taking my wife’s grandmother but due to the fact that she was born in Mississippi and she can’t find a birth certificate we are left in a quandary. I have tried talking to people at Carnival and they have no answers. I was hoping that maybe you could point me to someone that has the answers as to what we can do to get this resolved. I think we would be willing to walk on fire to be able to bring her along but we just need a little pointing in the right direction. Do you know of anyone at Carnival that can help us get this figured out?
John Says:
Hello Patrick CaseyI checked with my friends at Carnival and unfortunately, if she does not have the birth certificate she will need a passport to sail as per U.S. Customs & Border Protection. Now I see you are sailing in October so hopefully this will give you enough time to get one. However, can she get a passport without a birth certificate? That’s something you will need to ask. I do know that I sincerely hope you can get this sorted and maybe public records have a copy of her birth certificate. It would be wonderful if she could sail and experience this cruise with you all. Please let me know if you think I can help with anything else.
Best wishes
JohnJanet V Asked:
John,Sailing on the Glory in July and we are all angry that we have not been informed about the bed bug infestation that the ship has.
http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1329452&highlight=bed+bugs
What assurances do you have that the ship has this under control and if not will you guarantee your passengers full refunds if they are bitten?
John Says:
Hello Janet VI didn’t open the link because I felt it best to cut to the chase and ask the housekeeping manager and senior officers on the Carnival Glory. Here is what they reported.
From: GLORY HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 1:10 AM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: RE: Bug Report
HI John
We did not have any bed bug activity onboard the Glory
Housekeeping Manager, Carnival Glory
Carnival Cruise LinesWe are always very open and honest with things like this and in the rare case where bed bugs are found we have a very strict regime under which that cabin will be treated and deep cleaned. So please relax and look forward to a brilliant cruise.
Best wishes
JohnClaire P Asked:
John,Thank you for a wonderful cruise on the Carnival Magic. There are so many highlights and I will mention them in my full review. Just quickly to say that Marina was outstanding and the best waiter we have ever had and me and Ron already miss her charming smile. Your morning shows with Calvin were hysterical and of course your shows prove that you are still the best CD there is. How you manage to be out and on stage as much as you are and still blog and do your Facebook updates amazes me. One negative and that is the Russian passengers. I have never seen such rudeness and the way they pushed into line at the buffet and shouted at the crew was awful. I know you wrote about this but you were to nice John, they are the worst passengers I have ever sailed with in my 21 cruises. But we had a great time and now are looking forward to our next cruise on the Paradise and the Panama Canal. Love the Magic she is a beautiful vessel. Well done Carnival!
Claire and Ron
John Says:
Hello Claire and RonI am so thankful to you for taking the time to write this great review and yes you are right, some of the Russian guests were not the nicest people to other guests and the crew. That aside I am so happy to see that you had fun and I will make sure Marina sees your words of praise, Calvin too. I look forward to reading the full review and wish you both a brilliant time on the Carnival Paradise. Best wishes
John
Wendy Williams Asked:
Hi John,I have been reading your blog off and on for a few years. Love your humor (that’s how I spell it!!) and your wit. Oh – and I also enjoy Cruising with Carnival!! (Hi Beards! *wave*). So, I have a complaint. It seems to me that everyone comes to you to ask you for things, tables for two, free stuff, making the rain stop while at port – and man oh man, if you fail to deliver they want you crucified and burned! That is my complaint. You are one of the hardest working men I have seen…you put up with SO MUCH BS, and very little thanks. Has anyone ever offered to do anything for you? Ever? John, is there anything I can do for you? Send you some new underwear? Run an errand? Make reservations for a table for two for you and your wife at a nice restaurant the next time you are in Miami?
John Says:
Hello Wendy WilliamsHow wonderfully kind you are and no, I don’t need anything because this post has already given me so much. Your kind words keep me going and to know what I do is appreciated means more than you will know. If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know. Thanks once again and my best wishes to you and your family
John
That’s all for today.
And for those who haven’t seen this yet, lets have a look at what they are doing on the Carnival Paradise……its flash mob as filmed by Peter the Hair
I mentioned on Facebook that I had been dealing with a very irate guest and she has continued to be on attack mode the last 24 hours as well. There are a lot of nasty things in the world. Seeing me naked, seeing me naked standing on my head using my bottom as a vase and seeing your computer lose all your work. However, pretty high up on the list of nasty things is a mum who wants her daughter to be “a star.” And so right from the start of this cruise I have been bombarded with letters and messages and phone calls from Mrs. Stagemom. She wants her 11-year-old daughter to play the flute or the piano because she is “gifted.”
Now I had offered her the chance to do this during the Camp Carnival talent show but Stagemom thinks that this is not good enough for her child and says she must perform on the main stage and with the orchestra. Now maybe, just maybe I would have relented and allowed her to play in the adult talent show but the problem is we are not having one this cruise. We have professional entertainers every night and there is no room for a talent show. So, I met with her and told her this was the case and then came the shouting, the screaming, the tantrum and the tears…. that’s the mum by the way…….not her daughter. Then came the most ridiculous comment of the cruise so far when Stagemom said “The only reason we took this cruise was so my daughter could take part in the talent show.” Now you don’t need me to analyze that one do you, it speaks for itself but it reminded me of another comment that has stayed with me these past few days and something that generated many hundreds of comments on Facebook last week. And it was all to do with live music.
Now I should start by saying that after half a lifetime of consistent failure that I know I was not born to be a musician. I suppose I should have seen the signs at the age of eight, when I attended Heycroft Junior School in Essex. Like most of the kids in the UK, we were issued with Dolmetsch recorders. I remember all the other kids could play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, while my own instrument emitted nothing but a shrill peep and a worrying quantity of warm spit. The recorder, I decided, was pretty much a girly instrument so, by the age of 11, I was playing with the trombone. Sometimes, I would blow so hard into the mouthpiece that I saw stars and nothing would come out except a sound that can only be described as a wet fart.….you know the one all of us do after sitting at the meal table for hours eating everything insight and then finally we stand up and…..bweeeeeeep. My Dad and I have contests at Christmas to see who can do the loudest.
After a while, I laid the trombone aside, consoling myself with the thought that you never saw a trombone player in a rock band. So I took up the bass guitar. One year later I was fired from my mate’s rock band that on the not unreasonable grounds that I was the only would be bass guitarist in history who could not play the opening bars of Smoke on the Water. But here on the ships we have and always will do support live music however it worries me that kids of future generations will one day believe all music comes from an Eye Pod thingy and not from the hearts and minds of brilliant live musicians.
Anyway, back to the comment that was all to do with the music we have on Lido deck. In years past we have had a four-piece band there but now it has been changed to a duo. That’s when I read the comment on Facebook that stated the author would not cruise Carnival ever again because we have two less musicians up there. Now while I support this chap’s passion for the music he obviously loves, to say that it’s not the food, the service, the fun, the ports, the entertainment and shows, the relaxation and the affordability and value for money he cruises carnival for but for how many musicians are in the band on Lido deck……..well that in my humble opinion is………well …..bonkers.
So let’s address this subject shall we? Years and years ago we had four-piece steel bands. These were nice. They played nice steely drum music like “Yellow Bird” and “The Big Bamboo Song” but after a while…….every piece of music sounded the same and became……….well slightly annoying. So then we went to four-piece reggae bands. These were much better and played a whole variety of Caribbean music including all the favourites that people expect to hear. Then we made another change but before I write about that let me talk about something very important ……………cabins.
This is a subject that last time I tried to explain I was ridiculed on the cruise boards for basically making this up. Well, I am not and it often makes me laugh out loud when people refuse to believe that people who actually work onboard the ships may know just a tiny bit more than someone who sits behind their computer in their mother’s basement posting as though they are cruise experts. So, here are the facts. There are 1,351 crew beds onboard …… not cabins…….beds. Each department has a budget, a budget based on the number of cabin beds. For example:
The department with the highest budget is food and beverage with a total of 674. Then there is housekeeping with 266. Then there is entertainment with 62. This is the budget that the beards in Miami have given me.
So, I have 62 beds in which accommodate musicians, dancers, technicians, entertainment staff and me. OK, some may sleep in other people’s beds occasionally but that’s what I have……..62 beds. And this is the same on every ship in the fleet. The number may be higher or smaller but that’s what we have. Therefore, when we are planning what entertainment we are going to provide you onboard we have to do so within this parameter. So, what did we do across the fleet within our budget? Well, first of all, we took two people out of the calypso/reggae bands on Lido and made them all duos. We then replaced those two people with either another duo that were more flexible in the variety of music they could play or two guitar vocalists such as the brilliant Danny and Tim who play here on Carnival Magic. We replaced the string trio with a Latin trio and added a singer to the orchestras.
Now don’t get me wrong. I agree with some on Cruise Critic and my Facebook page that they miss the four-piece bands and I can understand why. Look, I would love to have more live music but I can only use the cabins I have. So please, to the people who write comments that we can just add more and that using the cabin as an excuse is a lie….…..please don’t write this because you are wrong and honestly you look silly talking about something you don’t understand. I promise that compared to other lines, Carnival is one of the biggest supporters of live music in the industry and having checked with the Miami office today, I can report that we currently have 430 musicians working on our ships.
Yes, we have made some changes and we will make more I am sure. But I guess the main point of writing this was to show you that Carnival really does love live music and that when we want to add something we first have to look at our budget and see if there is room. And if not, then we change things around as was the case with removing two from Lido. I truly hope this clears this up.
Now on the other hand there is still the argument about what’s better, steel drums or Caribbean/reggae music. Many have already let me know their thoughts on this and I hope more will as well. I will say two things if I may though. The first is that some of the most successful bands we put on Lido are the party bands like Blood Power that play here on Carnival Magic. And that there are times when I walk across Lido that regardless of what live music we have ……. it seems many guests don’t care………because they are listening to their Eye Pods anyway. However, saying all that I admit here and now that I miss the jazz trios and not just because they were part of the cigar bars which as we know have ceased to exist. It wasn’t always that way though. For years I hated jazz and the whole bepbopapooscoobydoo thingy got on my nerves. You see, I was brought up on long hair, screaming guitars and yes…..a flute player…..not Stagemom’s daughter but Jethro Tull’s Ian Andersen. Jazz to me always seemed…..well a bit lame.
But then I came to work for Carnival and started to appreciate live music that didn’t come from Ritchie Blackmore’s guitar or Rick Wakeman’s keyboard but from trumpets, saxophones and pianos. And then a musical director called Jordan Nunes gave me a birthday present. It was a cassette……yes, yes I am old……..the ultimate Miles Davis album Kind of Blue. And that was that. I began to appreciate, enjoy and eventually love jazz. And with a cigar…….well it was the perfect combination and I used to enjoy joining guests there for a Monte Cristo and conversation and to listen and nod in time to the syncopated beats of the brilliant jazz trios.
But jazz wasn’t for everyone so we got rid of them and changed over to Latin trios. Now I know this kind of music is much more popular with the guests and I have seen this with my own eyes and it was the right decision to make. Me, personally……I can’t stand Latin music and would rather listen to a cat being nurtured with a blunt knitting needle.
Look, as a cruise director and as brand ambassador I have to accept and embrace change and help you do the same. Was replacing two out of the Calypso band with more versatile musicians we could use around the ship the right thing to do?…….yes, absolutely. However, taking my CD and brand ambassador hat off for just a moment, I will say this. Taking away the jazz trios and the cigar bars has left me feeling just like the title of that brilliant Miles Davis Album I just mentioned.
So live music…….it’s how it’s meant to be played. But I will leave you with this one important fact. Do you know which lounge produces more revenue on all our ships more than any other lounge?……it’s not the piano bar……not the main show lounge……not the disco-night-dance- club…..not the four-piece party band venues…….nope. The one entertainment area that produces more revenue across the fleet than any other…………is karaoke! Take from that what you will.
Goodnight
Your friend
John
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
john when are you going to get a mac? sigh… oh and there is a new book out by brian bruns called “ship for brains, cruise confidential 2″, it’s about selling art on rccl. of course it’s fiction but i thought it was fun to read. no one should take this stuff serious!
smiles, bee
xoxo
John: “Now, I have a replacement computer. It’s another Dell and it’s powered by Microsoft”
Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
John,
I enjoy all the live music on board any Carnival ship I sail on. I do miss the Jazz trios, but I also enjoy the Latin trios. However, I must admit that I am one of those cruisers who help the karaoke bars bring in the most revenue. Mostly because it takes a couple of glasses of scotch to get my courage up before getting up on stage.
Dr Deany
EEK! So how did the 11 year old do?
Pete, she left the ship at the next port and ran away
uh, did I miss it or did you not finish the story and tell us how well the little gal played flute or piano??
I think John’s taken a page of of Sitcoms and has installed a cliff hanger in his Blog thingie
As far as a platinum and milestone dedicated line: I don’t think you need one. How many of those customers do not have their own PVP or a good travel agent who knows how to get hold of the right person at Carnival to take care of their needs? Also, anyone who has reached milestone likely has as much knowledge of the product as anyone who answers the phone in Miami.
I’m not a VIP, first time for me, but my fiance cruised before w/Carnival. My group has been using 1 person for all our coordinating and DJ Myrick has been fabulous!!! Would love to pass on a great big thank you through you John so she knows appreciate by the Roberge/Schellenberg -Davis/Yeater wedding group!
hi john , I’ve read all those books, now I’m off to the Majestic with next month’s mortgage, non-smoking section.
Looks like the Cruise Critic trolls are out of their cage again! Wonder why so many of them act the way they do?
I really don care what music is playing. As long as it is live, and we are on vacation who cares. Reggae, or steel drums all sounds like vacation time to me. Play on.
What’s wrong with a 10 piece Reggae, or Steel drum band on MEMOREX? It’s the sound I want to hear. I don’t need to see the bodies playing it. If you need to see it they can put it in video form on the big screen.
BIG Ed
EXACTLY!!
THATS WHAT’S WRONG WITH MUSIC TODAY!! ITS MORE ABOUT THE BACK-UP DANCERS SHAKING THEIR BOOTY THAN THE SINGING OR MUSIC!! JUST LOOK AT BRITTANY S.!!!!!!!!
BOBBY
Cause they dont have a life outside their keyboards, Cherry, that’s why
Brenda M…just so you will know, even on this blog, your table for 2 is not CONFIRMED. Who do you think you are? You are nothing any more special than the rest of us who cruise. You think you should have a special means of communication just so you can get your way. At least we would have the decency to say please or thank you and not be so demanding. You are not special, you are stupid and VERY disrespectful!!!
To Brenda M ~
PLEASE and THANK YOU.
I sooooo miss the jazz also…
Brilliant blog as usual John and I’m sorry about your computer issues. I think many of us have a love/hate relationship with Mr. Gates and Mr. Dell.
As for the last little bit of info you shared, I can tell you that on our Fascination cruise the karaoke bar (no matter where it was because it moved around) was packed every night. This was not because of the performers (for the most part) but because of the absolutely terrific and entertaining host, Jay, who was mentioned above by Paul. My husband hates, hates karaoke with a passion but we wandered into the “elephant bar” was Jay referred to it on the 1st night of our cruise. After that we looked for where Jay would be, he is THAT GOOD! The man really deserves to be recognized if he can get my husband to sit in a karaoke bar.
Have a great night John!
Sharon
To Patrick Casey…who had a question about getting the birth certificate for the lady. My mom was also born in Mississippi and her birth certificate burned in a house fire many years ago. When she first cruised she had the same issue so she applied for a copy of her lost certificate. I can’t remember how long it took for her to get it, but she received a certified copy of her certificate and it worked fine.
My mom and Aunt never had birth certificates. They were able to go down to vital records and get certificates of home births and were each others witnesses. I am not sure with all the 9/11 changes, but if she never had one, it is worth calling and finding out the process.
Well John, I have to admit I had never heard of a flash mob but after seeing it, the cruisers were sure having fun and that is what Carnival is all about, having fun.
Really sorry about your PC. Having a computer crash is horrible. Loosing all your files is not something anyone would like to have happen. I have a Passport thingy that I back up all my files on. After my laptop crashing and I had to get a new one, I made sure that would not happen again.
The stage mum, words fail me as to what I really think. That poor child, she will probably run away from home as soon as they get off the ship.
Keep smiling John; you truly are one of the good guys.
My best to Heidi and Kye.
Ms. Peggy, I also have a passport, and it died a horrible hideous death just a couple of days ago… I could not recover ANYTHING from it… How depressing…
Ruth and Malcolm Doyle:
You do realize that the man that wrote this book only worked on a ship for ONE YEAR.
You do realize that the man that wrote this book sensationalized (that means LIED ABOUT) almost every word, so that the book would sell and he would MAKE MONEY.
You do realize that it was NEVER a “best seller”. In fact you can buy a paperback copy for $1.99. HARDLY a best seller.
Btw, he brags about being the only American to do the job he did.
He says it is because of the horrible working conditions, but he is wrong.
It is because of the SORRY WORK ETHIC that some Americans have and an ARROGANCE that they are to good to do this job.
If you are going to be so gullible, would you please not vote!
Linda
Janet V:
One couple in ONE cabin reporting “something” biting them (they never found any evidence that it was indeed bed bugs) is NOT an INFESTATION.
Could you be any more ridiculous?
Linda
I am not sure why someone would blow a gasket over an unconfirmed, 6-month-old report of bedbugs in one room.
FTLOG people – you can’t go through life worrying about stuff like this. If you are concerned, check your bed when you arrive, but freaking out over things you read on the internet is only going to ruin, what would otherwise be, a perfect vacation.
John,
I work with computers all the time (I guess I’d be one of those “I/S” type of guys, but I don’t know what that means). I do understand some of the terms you use such as “arse”. I’ve had those kind of things happen to me quite a bit, and when an error message pops up on the screen that says “Contact your network administrator”, my heart sinks when I realize that’s me.
btw, I’ve not done a cruise in the New England area before, so would welcome any suggestions on “not to be missed” things to do and see.
Thanks,
Capt Chuck
I am confused. Can’t the lady from Mississippi request another birth certificate from here:
http://msdh.ms.gov/msdhsite/_static/31,1240,109,62.html
Ummm John?? So what happened with the little flute player? Did she play? Was she good? Is her mom medicated now? I think maybe the end to this story is still in the other Dell!
Also to Brenda M – apparantly you are so stuck on the fact that you are a Platinum cruiser – Ms #14 you forgot your manners – PLEASE goes a looooooooong way!
Thanks for posting the flash mob it was awesome! Anyone going on Splendour on 10/23 – I say lets organize one!!!!!!
re: response to Patrick’s letter:
Patrick,
This website explains how to apply for a passport if you do not have a birth certificate:
This site is from the state department and has more information:
I also found a website that has links that allow you to search through the vital records of some states. You may be able to find your grandmother’s birth information (and thus find out who to contact to get a birth certificate or proof of citizenship) on one of these sites if your grandmother’s state of birth is one of the states with online information.
Oops… the websites didn’t post. I tried to put them as html links (using HTML tags), but maybe I didn’t do it right? Here are the websites again:
no birth certificate:
http://studenttravel.about.com/od/planyourtrip/f/nocertificate.htm
state dept.:
http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/secondary_evidence/secondary_evidence_4315.html
vital records for some states:
http://genealogy.about.com/od/vital_records/a/state_online.htm
That was really nice of you to put up those links. Sometimes John makes us laugh out loud at the dumb antics, but sometimes reading this blog just warms my heart because of people like you!
Carnival Platinum Card received for a minimum of 20 days at sea.
American Express Platinum Card received for laying out a boatload of cash to AE.
No wonder the AE card has a Concierge Line.
Also, anyone quoting a CC thread to John should actually check the date of it first.
I spent 80% of my money on drinks in the karaoke bar..it helped that the karaoke DJ (who was just filling in) was a blast and I went karaoking EVERY night even missing comedy and main shows-just because I enjoyed it so much! When karaoke was over, I went to the piano bar where I spent 18 of the other 20% of my drink money! 2% was spent wandering around during the day!! LOL I really enjoy karaoke-not just singing myself, but watching others try new things too!!
Dear John, you may have not wasted your time on clicking on the CC link but I did, big mistake. Janet V. could not have even read the posts, that dated back to January, there were some new comments but nothing to do with bugs on the ships since then and that wasn’t proven either, there were suspicions that they were bitten before they even entered the ship. This is what makes CC interesting read, stupid people.
Seems the Hosts at Cruise Critic need to clean house befoe the stench goes further!
John, that would be so cool if you could add flash mobs to the Carnival Magic 2/19/2012 cruise. My kids (mid 20′s) would love that.
John,
Love reading your blog and daily post on Facebook, makes me wish I lived on a cruise ship. My wife and I had the pleasure of sailing with you on the Triumph back in 1999, our best cruise to date. I was hoping you could help arrange something nice for my mother in-law. My family and I will be sailing on August 20, 2011 on the Dream and she just recently celebrated her 65th birthday. My mother in-law is in cabin 2400, my family and I are in 2404(8th Carnival Cruise) I know you will hook her up so thanks in advance. Jason DiMartino
You can get a passport without a birth certificate as we had to do this for my mother but it requires any documental u can find with a date of birth from schools, churches, even a photo id from their state. Hope this helps
The Flash Mob Rocked!!! Awesome sight to see everyone up dancing.
Music…I love the duos.
Computers…mine died last Friday and was laid to rest after a brief ceremony.
You are right – Danny, who plays in the Red Frog Pub, is brilliant. We spent most of our time in there just to listen to him. The staff in there were exceptional also. Go Danny!
Hello,
Look I am looking book the chefs table for 2 people August 7th sailing date. Can you help? Thanks
John I loved the video dealing with Carnival Paradise. I hope that they do that on my cruise in February. It’s to exciting all those people getting together and dancing. Way to go people.
Now as the stagemom who wants her daughter playing on stage, just drop her and her daughter on a place and there her daughter gets play for all those people who probably don’t give a care. I feel bad but these people have to be told.
Sorry about your computer. Get Carnival to arrange for a new one since you are working constantly.
See you later my good friend.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
M/M. Fasoldt.
As my wife and I will be on the other repo sailing, The Paradise from LA to Tampa, we’d have to wrestle for John as our CD (not sure he’d like that image or not).
However I did suggest on his FB page recently a compromise. We could put up a quick ropes course between the ships as they pass at sea and let John enjoy both ships !!!
How ’bout it John?
B&B
John, could you do a blog one day with all the reports you get from Guest Services, Housekeeping,etc regarding guest comments or questions. I find these to be quite humorous. Maybe these could be in place of the daily Q&A for tables at dinner, etc.
Thanks.
John,
We just got back off the Carnival Freedom, and I would have to say that for the most part, we loved the music. I did notice the duo on Lido and remember saying to myself, “Self, there are only two guys playing that music… hmmm… talented.” As I was walking through the Promenade near the casino and heard Keith and his groovy tunes, I said to myself, “Self, that guy is pretty darn good.” Keith and I had joking moments throughout the cruise and he was indeed a very talented musician. During the show “Ticket to Ride” I remember saying to myself, “Self (see I always call myself ‘Self’), how do those dancers stay so pale working on a cruise ship? They must have other jobs or something that keeps them up all night and makes them sleep all day.”
You all keep doing what you are doing and we will keep spending our hard earned vacation money on your ships.
Thanks,
Steven
John, you seriously need to invest $20 into a flash drive that can be used as a backup source to save your family photos AND a place to save your blogs you have written. You can get a 8GB flash drive and all your worries are over. Be paranoid like me and back up your documents data on portable hard drive, flash drive, and DVD’s……if one fails there is always two others to fall back on…..
As for the stage mom–Good grief!!!!
John – The Loss of the Jazz Trio’s was the worst thing the beards could do. New Orleans is know for it’s diverse Jazz Music and to have a Ship sail out of NOLA without out a Jazz Band is saying Carnival DOES NOT care about the culture of the ports they sail out of.
To Wendy Williams:
It was sweet of you to offer….but not to worry…there has been a group taking care of John, Heidi and Kye for years….Big Ed’s Evil Krewe!!
*including new underwear and not just any brand…Steve O. ( a Krewe member) had John’s favorite brand shipped from England…..
John:
I could have answered the question “which entertainment space generates the most revenue”. A young man from Croatia years ago explained to me how the bar wait staff all want the karaoke gig….why? Because that is where they make the most tips.
And to think…the most revenue in a nonsmoking venue….go figure!
There is no mystery here….Carnival is all about spontaneous fun and no venue has more spontaneity than karaoke.
Good, Bad or Indifferent….all singers are entertaining!
Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)
To Brenda M, what makes you think for one minute you are any better then someone who has cruised only a few times. You could have said Please John, could you make arrangements blah, blah, blah. It is people like you that make me sick to my stomach demanding things just because you have cruised 14 times. I bet you are one of the Platinum cruisers that got their card by doing only the 3 day cruises instead of the longer cruises. I feel that Carnival should only make 6 day or longer eligable for the VIP, and for the people who only do the 3 or 4 day cruises then you need to do two three day cruises to count towards your VIP card.
Oh, John, my friend…I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve made a terrible mistake! In the fourth paragraph you spoke of “Harriet *my* hamster”. I would have expected to see “Harriet, Kye’s hamster” or even “Harriet our hamster”. But now that you’ve expressed custody in writing, Heidi’s got you.
But with that said, “a shrill peep and a worrying quantity of warm spit” is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while…
John I am so sorry your computer crashed. I do understand! Mine crashed last Dec. The night before my Carnival Conquest cruise. Thank goodness I had already printed out all my docs! I came back from a brilliant cruise to face my dead computer. A light bulb came on in my well rested brain, I had an extended warranty! Eureka! Mailed off the boat anchor and it was mailed back a fixed PC! I am so sorry you lost Kaye’s pics. Hope Heidi can email you some. Looking forward to meeting you on our Carnival Magic in Nov. Your friend, Chris
to Brenda M: you think that you are better than anyone else because you are a Platinum cruiser? seems like! this might be you 14th cruise, but you are lacking of manners! Didnt you mom taught you to say please when you ask for something? and then, of course, say a big Thank you! You are a very ill-mannered person. Instead of being so snobby, you should educate yourself on manners.
What I dont understand and probably never will is why people who cruised 10 and more times with Carnival feel they are better then others.
All those snobs who think they are should realize how lucky they are they are able to take so many cruises, lots are not that fortunate or have to save up money for years to book one.
Being able to have the perks of a loyalty program is nice, but I hope not the reason why you cruise. To me it sounds you feel you own CCL with all the crazy demands and outrageous requests.
Please remember that being on holiday/ vacation is all about unwinding/relaxing having fun. Being away from daily life should be enough to put a smile on your face and be happy.
Maybe its an american thing, maybe I am too European to understand. I could not care less about those perks.
I know my hubby and I will be very happy campers on September 25 and nothing in the world will ruin that.
To John, thanks again for a brilliant blog. Stay who you are, never ever doubt your sense of humour, your ability to please peeps, no matter how rude they are.
My laptop is an Acer and I love it.
Keep the blogs coming!
Liefs uit Amsterdam.
Lizz, you took the words out of my mouth… Some of the people out here are so friggin rude… Please and Thank you are not just phrases for children you know… lol.
John, good morning. Allow me to first say I have no intention of making demands on you, asking you for a table for two at dinner or reserving me a special spot in the forward most hot tub. What I would like to say is that like you, I was for many, many years in the service industry. While you were a Cruise Director, I was a police officer. You and I are used to putting up with demands, reasonsable or otherwise. It’s a part of our respective professions. Doing it with grace and poise allows folks like the mother of the flute player to hopefully walk away thinking she won while all along, she got toasted. Of course, you’re still in your profession. I retired from law enforcement and am a year and a half away from retiring from a second profession which is also law enforcement related. I don’t know how much longer you plan on working in your profession, but I wish you the best of luck.
Oh, and by the way, the missus and I are on Carnival Dream for the February 25, 2012 cruise to the eastern Caribbean. Could you . . . .?
Can u tell me what ship WEE JIMMY is on now, we had him on the Glory and he was great, Would love to sail with Wee Jimmy again
Thanks
Gail. Not sure if you have your answer yet, but Ralph (Wee Jimmy) is CD on The Carnival Legend and doing a great job.
We enjoyed his fun earlier this month and hope to sail with him again also.
B&B
Hi, John! First I want to say that I am new to your blog, but I love it!
Second, I know you are a busy man, so I will make this breif. My husband and I are going on our 3rd CCL cruise on July 10. We have been on Fantasy, and this will be #2 on Sensation. On both cruises so far, everything has been exceptional from the food, to the staff… everything!
This cruise is in celebration of my birthday, as well as our 12th wedding anniversary. We would love it so much, and be greatly appreciative if you could try to help us out with a request. We are signed up for the early dinner and would love a window table for dinner. A window table for 2 would be even better, but just a window table will do! As I said we would be so greatful if you could put in a word for us with the maitre’d to see if he can set us up! We are booked in cabin U243, July 10th sailing of Sensation out of Cape Canaveral!
We love Carnival, and have gotten a couple of friends hooked on Carnival cruises. We are also thinking of taking our teenage children on the same cruise next year!
In closing, thank you in advance for whatever you may or may not be able to do for us. While we hope you can get us hooked up, it will not alter Carnival’s image in our eyes…lol.
Penny Key
Hello,
My husband and I are sailing on July 17, 2011 from San Juan, PR… July 17, incidentally just happens to be our 30th wedding anniversary!!
I have sailed before but my husband has never sailed. I would like to know if you can tell me who the cruise director will be for that voyage?
Thanks!
Hi john,
I was on the Carnival Magic and I just loved all the entertainers. I loved Blood Power. They were great. The two duos…Dimas and Play That were wonderful. The guys in the casino and Red Frog Pub were excellent. You did an excellent job in selecting them. There wasn’t a bad place to be in the whole ship. Also forgot to mention the piano player in the Martini Bar…excellent Tiramisu martini. Hope they are there on the Breeze as we are trying to be there on the maiden voyage.
I am currently on the Carnival Magic and was on the Splendor last Sept. Dick Little was on both cruises. I think he is a plant.
What a coincidence! Dick Little was on my Carnival Magic cruise on June 1st.
Are the Salmons on your cruise too?
I feel your pain we lost our Dell/Microsoft computer rt after X-Mas. Lost all my pics that I’d saved since digital camera came to be(my bad), and like you replace it with a new Dell, so far so good. I’m w/you and will miss hearing the jazz trio and I also am not much of a fan of latin musis, but will go on the Liberty w/you in Oct w/an open mind.
What ever happened w/stagemom? Did she get her way or was her talent show revolving cruised ruined? Oh jeeezzzz. The crazy things ppl say/do. Please let me lil’ group of 29 be well behaved for you.
PLEASE REPLY
John, We arrived home at midnight from our fabulous 12 day Carnival Magic cruise. There are no words to describe what a wonderful time we had on this trip.
Between the 5 of us we have 45 cruises and this was by far, the best cruise we have ever taken.
1. We had the best cruise director. (Although I really, really, wanted to see the Bedtime Story in person. Did I miss it somehow or have you discontinued it?) Thanks so much for the surprises you sent to the room, Garett proudly added his solid gold plastic ship on a stick to his vast collection on my mantle. Sorry we kept missing each other, but it gives me a reason to book another cruise when you’re cruise director. (Should I bring you a couple of golf clubs next time?) I missed meeting Hedi and Kye but I understand that you needed and deserved to spend every minute possible with your adorable little girl and her mother.
2. We had the best ports. I was really happily surprised by a couple I didn’t think I would like.
3. We had the best waiters and stewards on the ship. Ioan and his assistants Gil and Jerry kept us laughing and eating, and eating, and eating, and eating. Watching Ioan during Showtime was a riot, he really has some moves.
Our steward, Ruslani and his assistant (bugger, I can’t remember his name, were the best. I really think at least one of them was living under our bed.
4. Every dealer in the casino was top notch, but Daniel from Miami, Alexander, and Daniela from Serbia really stood out. Be sure to ask Alexander about the camel’s back and the long-tailed cat. Sorry, but we Southeners were just trying to prepare him for Galveston.
One addition you might make to your welcome aboard tips. You warned us about the little old ladies collecting coins outside the toilets, but we stumbled on a new twist. My brother who cannot pass a “WC” (water closet) without making a donation, really, really, needed to go while we were in St. Marks Square in Venice. He made his payment with the last coins in his pocket. He rounded the corner to enter and the real attendant demanded more. We can only guess that the first little old lady was pulling a scam. Lesson, never give the attendant your last coin, there may be another one around the corner.
One question, we’re all arguing about this one. Were the Trainers real?
This cruise may have bankrupted me but I’ll remember it the rest of my life.
John I could read your writing for hours. So interesting and funny – my co-workers always aske me what the heck I am chuckling about. I tell them it’s just something I read about Latvians and rumpy-pumpy. Then they just look at me funny and leave me alone lol Keep up the god work. I will be on the Triumph on 1/7/12. Wish it was the Magic!
Hi John, My name is Lorna and I work for Dell. I am sorry for any difficulty you may have experienced. If I may be of any assistance, please contact @DellCares via Twitter, or on Facebook at:
http://apps.facebook.com/dellfeedback/?c=us&l=en. We LOVE to help our customers with any concerns they may be experiencing.
We appreciate you as our customer. Thank you for choosing Dell.
My husband will be tickled to hear that the karaoke lounges make the most revenue, as he likes to spend a lot of time there.
John, I loved that Flash Mob video! What a commercial that would be for TV, and I would love to do one on my next cruise. How about Conquest on 10/30, when I’ll be sailing with Host Mach’s Crazies???
As for Stagemom… someone should inadvertently let her what people think of her antics. Someone mentioned that people like her get their way too often because they are loud & persistent – don’t let her get you, John! I’m betting her daughter will be eternally grateful.
Hi John,
I am not requesting for a reply, but your comments are welcome and appreciated.
My family just took our first cruise with the Carnival Liberty on June 4. I had to say that I was glad that we didn’t experience any of the negative things that other cruisers discussed in various forums like cigarette smokes, kids pushing elevator buttons, etc. Overall, it was a great experience. Now, I would like to share with you what we considered as a drawback of our trip.
When I booked our cruise, I knew that Carnival Liberty does not have the waterworks. So I thought, oh well, my kids (8 and 4 years old) could play in the pool. To my surprise, none of the pools are shallow enough for young children, who can’t swim, like mine to be in. We checked out the pool by Camp Carnival, well, couldn’t use that one either as it was too shallow (maybe it was meant to be for babies and toddlers?) So our last solution was to take our children back to the pool by the waterslide and put them on the life jackets that we brought with us (for Grand Cayman excursions.) My son was fine with it, but my daughter refused to wear it as she was shy. So she had to tag behind my husband’s back if she wanted to be in the pool. You can tell that wasn’t fun for her.
When completing the survey from Carnival, I did recommend building waterworks or at least a pool that is suitable for young children. A Fun Ship would not be complete if kids don’t have fun. I hope management taking this into consideration next time when Liberty is up for dry-dock.
Thanks John.
Dear John,
I Was just on the Carnival Dream last week. Beautiful ship!! LOVE the live music.Out if all the musicians I have heard on my 7 cruises with carnival, Danny Black has got to be the best. You can see the passion he has for music when he performs and everything is live… Not background music like some are using or they just don’t seem to have the passion for music like he does. Any chance u can interview him like you do with the CDs in ur blog so those that haven’t gotten a chance to meet hIm and listen to his talented music can see what u mean when u talk about him in ur blog? He gives 200% with everything he does and he deserves to be recognized!
Thanks!
Megan
Hi John!
You are an absolutely lovely read and I am so happy to have found your blog! Your words are what keeps the cruise dream alive and tangible. Your sense of humour (spelled correctly) and stories of those folks who don’t know how to behave keep me smiling as I read you…
I was hoping to sail with you on the Magic January 29th to celebrate my 62nd birthday and my retirement as I finally start receiving those small monthly checks from “social security”… a curse or …blessing of growing old! Well it doesn’t look like it will be in the cards for us to do so as we have plans to move away from Texas and about two hours (by car) from Fort Lauderdale.
We will just have to be happy with one cruise, the Triumph October 15th, for our 38th wedding anniversary. DH and I look forward to sailing a different ship than Ecstasy. We won’t have made it to Platinum yet, but getting close! In any case, we have selected any time dining but I just noted that our reservation indicates “open seating” I presume its one and the same. We don’t anticipate having any issues with having a table for two since it’s not been a problem the last couple of times we have sailed with Carnival after anytime dining became available. We have always been treated like royalty in the dining room and loved everyone of our waiters, assistant waiters, and bar waiters.
If you would like to send your best wishes for our 38 years together, our cabin is 6463.
So the question is! How much longer are you planning on being a cruise director and what ships do the beards have in mind for you to be on out of Florida? …cuzz this ole gal plans on sailing with you someday despite all the apparatus she might need to support her aging body… O2 machine, walker, wheelchair etc…
You are indeed one of my favourite (spelled correctly) bloggers! I wonder if Carnival ever scolds for some of the subjects/people you write about and if they screen any of what you write before printing it.
Best wishes to you and do continue eating all that fiber that helps promote all these healthy “poops” I am actually also curious to see what you enjoy eating while sailing …LOL
Dear John,
Thank you so very much for responding to my e-mail questions in regards to what excursions we should do in Rome and Naples, and I will definately follow your advice, thanks so much. Also please forgive me for sending two or three more e-mails repeating my questions, I thought you didn’t get them, and I should have realized that you are so very busy, anyway again please forgive my impatience and thank you again for the wonderful kind hearted man you are, and it will be one of my greatest pleasures to see you on board the Magic, this will be our 4th cruise on Carnival and I can’t wait for 40 more. We also have cruised Celebrity and Princess. Princess was great, Celebrity well you know they can take their big X and well shove it!! LOL Thanks again Carrie
John:
Sorry to see that your laptop is causing you problems. Feel ree to send me an e-mail with your service tag number or order number and I can have someone from our support team contact you.
Otherwise, you can ping me on Twitter (I’m @LionelatDell there as well.
Sincerely,
Lionel
John, you can download a dropbox on you computer and put whatever you want to protect, such as pics, etc. It’s like a safe, you can open it from any computer. So if your computer dies your stuff is quite safe.
Check it out.
Sincerely, Michelle
You’d rather listen to a cat being nutered with a blunt knitting needle than Latin music! Shame on you! At least you could have said something else, maybe Rupert Murdock. Or that American and his wife who boast about having 19 kids. Spare the cats, Please!!
I just left the Carnival Conquest, the sailing date was October 9th, 2011. Was a great cruise as always.
My question is regarding the Latin trio band called Latin Beatz, starring Luis from the Dominican Republic. They were amazing and the highlight of our trip, I’m curious to find out if they have a website so we can continue to follow them