PIGS AND PLONKERS

Please note today’s blog will on several occasions feature the word plonker. Here is the definition — British origin… Means “thingy,” used as a derogatory term or an idiot, but also often used affectionately. I hear it morning noon and night. That sodding glockenspiel riff that goes “tum, tum-ti tum tum, tum-ti tum-ti tum tum.” It’s the theme tune to my daughter’s favourite program, the replacement to Barney who has been discarded like a pair of soiled underpants and I may as well get used to it because it’s going to be ringing in my ears for the foreseeable future……I am talking of course about Peppa Pig. I hated Barney and I hate Peppa Pig even more and want to serve her up with some apple sauce and some crispy roasted potatoes.

The pig family is dominating my beautiful and hard-earned Sony 50-inch plasma TV which, instead of playing football matches and re-runs of West Wing, is dedicated to a family of porkers. There is Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig, Peppa and her little brother, George. Daddy has beard growth that he thinks looks like designer stubble. Mummy is always happy and smiling, and trying to hide her huge pig 44DD knockers under a flowery dress. The pig children are sweet and the whole family oinks a lot.

Kye can’t ingest enough of it. It begins at seven in the morning. The Sky box is overrun with pigs, even Jack Bauer couldn’t hold his own against Peppa and her family and I don’t get it. These are not Disney cartoon characters that are beautifully drawn and animated by Pixar beards. Nope this are arse ugly blobs with weird stick arms. They do things like paint, fly kites and massacre baby deer with chainsaws. OK, that last bit is bollocks but I wish they would. Their voices are painfully annoying and what I detest the most is that Daddy pig, who wears glasses is made to look like a total idiot with the brain capacity of……well………a pig. Most of the stories revolve around this fat, lazy, stupid circle of pork.

This is a program that must have been made by a woman. A woman with very short hair and a true hatred of men. Each five-minute program includes a message about kindness and love and that men all men are wankers. I wouldn’t mind betting that the pig family is all organic. And so I have decided to take action and that’s why last night I tied Kye to her chair and forced her watch the anti-Peppa Pig program………….and that of course is Tom and Jerry.

It maybe many years old now but the animation is still brilliant and of course all about danger and death. Tom gets burned, an iron lands on his head, he gets eaten by a savage bulldog and best of all his face gets smashed by a mousetrap. It was pure unadulterated violence and you know what……..my two-year-old daughter laughed out loud. What a difference there is between Peppa Pig and Tom and Jerry. TV for some reason has created a world in which women rule and husbands are idiots wearing expressions like they’ve just farted. Worse of all is that Kye now copies Peppa and every time I do anything, talk, walk into a room or kiss her goodnight these actions are followed by Kye looking at me with an annoyed look on her face and says “Silly Daddy Pig.”

It’s not just Kye that’s saying it either because once Kye was in bed cuddling her Peppa Pig stuffed toy and once dinner was finished I looked across at Heidi and suggested that we have an “early night.”……..and yep you guessed it………….my answer was the same “Silly Daddy Pig,” said my wife. And that was that. Daddy was ignored once again.

Time for some Q and A I think.

Frederick Kidston asked:
Dear John,

Thank you for your wonderful blog it is a constant source of humor for me. What is the status of your interview with the beards in charge of the Platinum guest program? You have been hinting of a new program for what seems like years (OK not years, but it has been a long time). We are sailing on November 10, Cabin E75 on the Carnival Inspiration and then again on January 22, cabins 5197 and 5799 on the Carnival Legend with my daughters and new grandson “Rusty.” He will be one year old and although it’s his first cruise we joke that he will take his Platinum card for his first Kindergarten show and tell. Oh if you could have something sent to Rusty as a memento I would appreciate it.

Thanks again for your time.

Fred

John says:
Hello Fredrick Kidston,

Goodness me, this really shows how far behind I am in the blog questions because I am sure you have seen that I posted a blog about my chat with the VP in charge of the new loyalty program a few weeks ago. There is no doubt that many are frustrated that this is taking so long and that also includes the beards as well. But this is a huge program change and is one of the biggest IT projects Carnival has ever undertaken. But in early 2012 all will be ready and you will as a loyal guest be very happy indeed. I hope you enjoyed your cruise and I am so sorry that I didn’t get to this in time but I thank you and your family for cruising with us again and hope that we will see you many more times. Thanks for the kind words about the blog which I hope you continue to enjoy.

Best wishes.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
John,

Please, please, I’m begging you – please advise which Carnival cruise ship(s) will be lucky enough to have you as their CD over the next year. We want to book either the June 3 or September Breeze to Europe but want to know if you are planning to be the CD on any of these trips. Please let me know as soon as possible so we can book the appropriate cruise. Love you.

John says:
Hello Georgie Marino,

That is very, very kind of you indeed and I shall be on the Carnival Breeze from June through December with possibly a 12-day break in August. I hope to see you there and show you Europe and our brilliant new ship.

Best wishes and hope to see you soon.

John

Tarrick asked:
John,

We will be on the Carnival Legend for the December 26 cruise and I need guarantees that my family and I will be on the first tender boat ashore in Belize. We have paid lots of money for private excursions and cannot miss the start time. There are 12 of us and we HAVE TO BE FIRST ASHORE. Our cabin numbers are 1174, 1182, 1189, 1196, 1188 & 1177 and we would require a private boat I think. This is URGENT!

John says:
Hello Tarrick,

Thank you for booking your family on this great cruise. Now tender tickets start at 7:45 am in the main theatre where staff will hand out stickers. May I suggest that you are the first in line by arriving at the lounge at 7:30 am. This will mean you will be on the first tender ashore and will make your excursion with no problem at all. I am sorry I can’t arrange a private tender but please don’t worry, all will be well. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Seth C asked:
Hi John,

I am looking for a cruise director we sailed with many years ago and whose photos we just discovered again after 15 years. We can’t remember his name but he was so funny. He is British like you, tall and skinny. We cruised with him on the Celebration in 1996. Can you remind me of his name and what ship he is on now if indeed he is on Carnival? We also hope to cruise with you John as we missed you by just one week on the Dream last year. Thanks for all you do.

John says:
Hello Seth C,

Well it’s sad news I am afraid because you are talking about the much missed and much loved Dave Armor who passed away some years ago. He was a true gentleman of the stage and as you said was so very funny. He is what I adhere to be and is a role model for all CD’s to follow. Thank you for allowing me to talk about him and I also hope we will indeed sail together very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Brad Miller asked:
John (Please Reply):

I am writing for TWO reasons today – number one is to tell you about our experience recently when my wife & I sailed on the Carnival Pride to Bermuda (Cabin 4123, 9/18 sailing). We have sailed previously on the Carnival Fascination, Carnival Elation (twice), Carnival Fantasy and Carnival Destiny and we were terribly unprepared for the décor and “look” of the Pride as compared to all the other Carnival ships we have been on. Carnival Pride is, without a doubt, the most BEAUTIFUL cruise ship we have EVER sailed on! I suspect that ALL of the Spirit-class vessels are as wonderfully and logically designed as the Carnival Pride is as well. We never waited in lines, we never felt crowded (although we sailed full), and it was very easy to find our way around the ship very quickly!

Our head waiter, Francesco, was an absolute delight as were his assistants. Our cabin steward, Gede, was far and away the BEST we have ever had. I also wanted to personally thank YOU for helping arrange a table for two for my wife and I as it was our 20th anniversary – we were seated at a six-top by a window all by ourselves and although we normally love having table mates, for our 20th year married, it was great to have a table all to ourselves. The Serenity area on the Carnival Pride is the nicest I have seen on any ship well. Unfortunately, because it was so nice, it was the only place on the ship where chair-hogging (and hammock-hogging) were in full force each day. I know there isn’t much to be done about it, but it truly was one of only two negatives for the entire cruise! The other negative is related to the “drinks on us” program – my wife & I are both avid slots players.

On day 4, I reached 1,500 points and was presented the “drinks on us” card, which I very much appreciated (more money for the slots that way!). What I did NOT appreciate was the fact that the same waiters/bartenders who were bring my 19-ounce Thirsty Frog Reds in approximately 2-3 minutes when I was PAYING for them suddenly started taking 10-15 minutes to bring them around after ordering once I was NOT paying for them. I understand the logic that one must be sitting at a machine to use the card, but that was truly the first time I have ever experienced sub-par service on ANY Carnival ship! I don’t know what the solution might be to improve this, but I did want to bring it to your attention.

Now, for the 2nd reason I am writing – we have a large group (25 cabins with full deposits so far) sailing on the Carnival Fascination on Feb 4, 2012 – my wife and I’s booking number is 848NC5 and I have a few questions and one request: Who will be the CD for the sailing? Who will be the piano bar entertainer for that sailing (Please Please PLEASE be Lorraine Ingle!)

And finally, and I know you probably get sick of this question, is there any way you might be able to have a ship on a stick trophy sent to my cabin with my wife’s name (Tracy) on it? She tries to steal the ones I EARNED all the time but she doesn’t play trivia and so has never won one! Thanks for the blog thingy and Facebook all you do, John – it’s nice to have a “Carnival fix” a few times a week when not sailing!

Regards,

Brad Miller

John says:
Hello Brad Miller,

I am glad I finally saw your post and thank you so much for the great review. The Spirit class remains for so many their favourite class of ship and Carnival Pride is also for many their favourite Spirit class ship and I can see that we can add you to that list as well. I will make sure that my colleagues get to see your review and while they will be thrilled that you were so impressed they will also take immediate action to make sure the concerns you had with bar service in the casino are taken care of immediately.

We are also working very hard now on the chair-saving situation and I think you will see a vast improvement by the time you sail in February. I don’t have the piano bar schedule confirmed just yet but I can tell you the CD will be Brent who is a fabulous young man that I know you will enjoy so much. I am glad the table situation worked out and of course you can have your trophy and if you can remind me here on the blog five weeks before or on Facebook where I think you have written to me as well 1 week before I will make it so. Thanks so very much and my apologies for the delay it took to get back to you.

Best wishes.

John

Josh asked:
John,

I am 16 years old and would want to know how many other cruisers of my age will be on the Splendor 12/11. I called Carnival but they were rude and didn’t help me at all.

John says:
Hello Josh,

I should explain that not everyone at the call center has information like this so I am sure they were not being rude, they just didn’t know the answer mate. I do though and I can tell you that there are 77 in your age group that cruise so you will for sure meet lots of new friends. Have a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Mary Nelson asked:
Hi John!

I have a favor to ask. I was wondering if you could please pass a message to Catrina from Romania (I think). We sailed with her on Carnival Freedom from 9/24-10/2. Please tell her that my husband, Brian, and I really appreciated her kindness while dining in the Chic Dining Room. We loved her service, personality, and smile. Catrina was so sweet to make sure that everything was just right for us and made our second cruising experience on Carnival even better than before! When we spoke with her on our last night she was very excited to only have seven more days until she could see her daughter again. Brian and I sincerely hope that they had a wonderful time together. We would also like to thank you, too, John. We enjoy reading your blog thingy daily. Sometimes if things are dragging while we’re at work, we’ll take a quick poop (ha ha!) here to your site for a good laugh. Thank you for bringing humor into our day as well as everyone elses! My goal is to meet you someday and to have a photo taken so we can be your Mates of the Week.

John says:
Hello Mary Nelson,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this and I will make sure that Catrina sees your words of praise and I can tell you that she will be thrilled. She obviously made a difference to your cruise which is fantastic to know and I will make sure her supervisors see this also. Thank you for those kind words about me and the blog and I will continue to do my best to give you a chuckle or two as often as I can. I hope we see each other very soon as well so we can take that photo.

Best wishes.

John

Victor Martinez asked:

Why does Carnival not show first run movies on their giant screen like Royal does. We were on the Oasis and they showed movies that had been released only that week at cinemas. Carnival is way behind here.

John says:
Hello Victor Martinez,

I had no idea that RCI showed movies that were being released at the cinema at the same time. I was under the impression that they got their movies from the same vendor we and other lines get theirs from. Our movies are generally shown two months after their cinema release. Thanks for asking the question.

Best wishes.

John

Rick Thorson asked:

My wife and I are sailing on the Carnival Spirit on March 2, 2012 to the Mexican Riviera for our 50th. Wedding anniversary…booking number 77X5R2, cabin 4237. I have ordered and paid for a special bouquet of roses to be sent to the cabin. Every five years I give my wife a single red rose with a verse by your countryman, Lord Tennyson. For this bouquet it will be 10 *(ONLY!) roses, one for each 5 years we have been married. Could you advise the CD for that cruise that the 10, not 12 roses are correct? I wouldn’t want someone running around trying frantically to find two more roses. Thank you so much for your blog and this small request.

John says:
Hello Rick Thornson,

What a wonderful romantic you are and yes of course I can help make sure the number of roses is correct. That is no problem but what is a problem is that I will forget so please can you remind me here on the blog six weeks before you sail and include your cabin number as well. Many thanks and I will do all I can to make sure this is a special cruise. ‘

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and thank you for all your opinions, questions, comments and for counting how many strawberries you were sent.

Now let’s join Mr Radu who is on the Carnival Paradise…………actually I should say who is above the Carnival Paradise.

Good morning John,

Today we had our first port, Cabo San Lucas. We did arrive around noon time and we left at 7 pm. We met Carnival Spirit today, and it was absolutely gorgeous day. You can see the photos. The aerial shots of the Paradise I did take them from parasail, with one hand only, we the other one I was holding the rope. Have a great day

Radu Ursu
Senior Photographer
Carnival Cruise Lines

So Grand Cayman was closed three days this week plus the Carnival Magic had difficulty docking in Montego Bay eventually doing so two hours later than scheduled because of the high winds. I spoke to James the CD to make sure that after missing Grand Cayman ……..hold on …………(BUILD A SODDING PIER)……..sorry about that…….and James said that the guests were for the most part very understanding that they couldn’t dock in Carnival Cayman and that they were late into Montego Bay. However, as usual there were a few guests, less than 20 recorded comments out of 4,000 guests who felt that Carnival owed them something for the missed port. Fair one. I understand people’s frustration and that many guests, especially first time cruisers. I do understand their disappointment and I do understand that people may think they deserve and expect a refund of some sort and it’s our job as staff on board to listen and explain and sympathise.

What I don’t understand and is how a few guests feel that shouting and screaming at a 20 something guest services associate or a 20 something entertainment staff member is within their right. Again, its frustration, I get it, how is shouting at Petra from Belarus or Calvyn from Canada going to make things better. It’s the captain’s decision and a decision he bases on the safety of the ship and guests. You know I will never forget this last season in Europe where you may remember that on the first voyage we had to miss Monte Carlo because of really rough seas pushing through the gulf of Lyon. After announcing this to the guests I had a walk around the ship and saw two guests screaming and finger waving in the face of a guest services associate. I intervened and said that it certainly wasn’t their fault and that if she……yes it was a she……….sorry ladies………if she wanted to shout and scream then to do so at me. Well she did. And she used some wonderful swear words as well as she told me how Carnival owed her money for the missed private excursion (a cause of many of the shouters when it comes to missed ports) and how Carnival could go and have rumpy pumpy with itself.

She swore and she cursed at me and then I took action. I called Captain Cutugno and explained the situation and asked if he would speak to the guest. And being the fantastic captain he is, he agreed and five minutes later joined us in the guest services manager’s office. I was looking forward to seeing how my Italian friend and captain would react to the abuse that was about to come his way but I never got to find out because the lady couldn’t have been nicer. She sat and listened to the captain explain how the seas were too rough and about safety and she nodded, said she was disappointed and that was that. She could not have been nicer. I couldn’t believe it. But think about it. You have seen guests shout at the guest services desk and you have seen them shout at cruise directors and on at one group meeting on the TA cruise of the Carnival Magic you would have had the chance to see guests shout at each other. But have a think……..have you ever seen a guest shout swear and scream at a captain? You haven’t, have you? That’s why I always encourage cruise directors that in a situation where there is a missed port or a situation that involves something unexpected that while the cruise director must always be the calming voice of the ship that they should always have the captain involved either on the PA system explaining why he made that particular decision or if needed to join the CD on stage in a Q & A situation. After all, at some point during a delay or flight problem you want to hear from Hank Stone, the captain not just Quentin the flight attendant.

Anyway, four ships had to miss Grand Cayman this week and each would have spent a day at sea. The cruise directors have their day at sea Fun Times ready to go and I thought you might like to see what James Charlton the wonderful CD of the Carnival Magic had planned.

Here are his extra activities he offered the guests:

Fact or Fiction Challenge
9:00am…………………………………………………….. Ocean Plaza Cafe, 5 Mid
Carnivalaire
9:30am …………………………………………………….. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Library Open ‘til 12noon
10:00am……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Trivial Pursuit
10:00am……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Mahjong Players Meet and Play (Unsupervised)
10:00am……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Bean Bag Challenge
10:00am…………………………………………………… Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
Decades Trivia: 1970’s
10:30am ………………………………………………….. Beach Pool, 10 Mid
Big Screen Trivia: Sports
10:30am……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Decades Trivia: 1980’s
11:00am ………………………………………………….. Beach Pool, 10 Mid
Big Screen Trivia: Name That Kiss
11:00am……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
On Your Marks, Get Set, Draw!
11:30am…………………………………………………….Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Ribbon Roses with Calvyn
11:30am……………………………………………………..Conference, 4 Mid
Samurai Sudoku
12:00pm……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Connect 4 Challenge
12:00pm…………………………………………………… Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
Slot Tournament ‘til 3pm (Final Round @ 3:15pm)
12:00pm……………………………………………….. Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
RedFrog Pub Quiz
12:30pm……………………………………………………. Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
General Trivia
1:00pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Uno Challenge
1:00pm…………………………………………………….. Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
Dodgeball Tournament (ages 18+)
1:00pm………………………………………………………….. SkyCourt, 12 Aft
Lunchtime Scavenger Hunt
1:30pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Useless Knowledge Trivia
2:00pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Balloon Sculpting Fun
2:00pm…………………………………………………….. Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
Library Open ‘til 4pm
2:00pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Soccer Tournament (ages 18+)
2:00pm………………………………………………………….. SkyCourt, 12 Aft
Countdown
2:30pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
Horse Racing Fun
2:30pm ……………………………………………………. Beach Pool, 10 Mid
Bean Bag Challenge
3:00pm…………………………………………………….. Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
Country Line Dance Class
3:00pm ……………………………………………………. Beach Pool, 10 Mid
Bookworm Trivia
3:15pm……………………………………………………… Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
$750 Bargain Bingo (Half Price Cards)
3:30pm ……………………………………………………. Beach Pool, 10 Mid

At 4:00pm, most activities and dining schedules will revert to the regular Fun Times.

James also had live music on Lido from 11 am – 5 pm as well as live music in the RedFrog and lobby bars. As I said, it’s never easy missing a port and I can relate to people’s anger and disappointment but please remember, it’s not in any way the crew’s fault.

Well it’s been a busy first week back here on the blog and on Facebook and what with smoking and Peppa Pig it’s been a mixed bag of goodies. But I have found some time to spend with the girls and have loved every second of that. I also got to see my two best mates, Alan and Danny. I don’t have a huge group of friends as it’s hard to keep a big circle of mates when you are away so much like I am, however we remain close and share some silly times together.

Yesterday afternoon I stood next to my mate Danny for three hours watching his son play rugby for his school. “Would you like to come along?” asked my mate and like the plonker (that’s a great word by the way, plonker) I said, “Yes.” I dressed in a pair of sweat pants and T-shirt over which I wore my favourite leather jacket. I have had this jacket for many years and I love it. The leather still creaks like the decks of the Carnivale used to in bad weather and, along with a pair of underpants that have the Burger King logo and Home of the Whopper on the front, this jacket is my favourite piece of clothing. However, as much as it may be comfortable, standing on the sidelines today I realised that it wasn’t going to keep out the cold. It was the first day of December yesterday and Mother Nature obviously woke up and said “Right, let’s give that fat bastard some Baltic temperatures.” And she did. And as I sit here writing to you my nose is running like a fireman’s hose and a head “I have Ebola,” I said to Heidi. “No, you have a cold,” she replied in the icy way women have when they don’t realise just how ill a man is…..and it’s all from watching rugby.

I know many of you may not have ever experienced rugby so, let me explain the rules. It’s the same as American football except they don’t wear big girly pads. There is no quarterback and the players don’t get paid millions of dollars. The rugby referee, instead of sending people off the pitch as in soccer or off the court in basketball, doesn’t’ bother with flagrant fouls, etc. They just stop the game while the more badly injured have their noses and ears sewn back on. Flick someone’s ear lobe in a game of basketball and the ref will order you off the court.

I like rugby very much. You have to love the collisions, the moments when someone with thighs made from steel and a chest the size of Rhode Island tractor into a player with such ferocity that you wonder how his skeleton hasn’t disintegrated into a million pieces. That and the fights, those cherished moments when a man mountain smashes his fist, which is the size of a Christmas ham, into someone else’s face and all hell breaks loose. Brilliant.

While I am so excited that we finally have a basketball season (LET’S GO HEAT) I don’t completely enjoy or understand the NFL. It makes no sense when 300 tons of All American beef all lands in a big muddy lump on top of the ball and you have no idea what on earth is going on in there. Not until the referee blows his whistle, does some sign language and decides that someone at the bottom of the pile has let go too soon, or not at all, or was down before contact or if you are called Tim Tebow you will be “sacked” and have to look for work elsewhere. And just when I start to understand the game they take a break and we go to commercials featuring that annoying green sodding Geico lizard voiced by a man with an English accent only slightly more realistic than Kevin Costner’s was in Robin Hood
Anyway, I digress. So there I was today watching an 11-year-old boys play rugby. Now, I don’t know if this will translate to parents watching their kids play sports in North America…..but bloody hell, Mum and Dad really take this seriously. I do not know what it is that causes normal, nice, cuddly and reasonably intelligent people to lose their grip on reality as soon as they find themselves standing alongside a school sports field.

But having watched everyone behave like a pack of hyenas squabbling over the carcass of a dead zebra, I have decided to think ahead to when Kye plays sports and share with you my thoughts.

Firstly, Mum’s and Dad’s must remember that they are an embarrassment to their children. Its OK if you have moves like Jagger if you are Adam Levine but if you are …well……Mick Jagger still trying to move like that then that is an embarrassment to his kids in the same way Madonna is to hers. I will be an embarrassment to Kye and you are or have been one to your kids, as well. Everything you do. Everything you say. Everything you wear. It’s all completely wrong. So here’s a tip when on the touchline or courtside or by the side of the pool…

Be normal.

If your child’s team scores a goal, a touchdown or a three-point basket with only one second to go, you may applaud but do not – and this is something I witnessed yesterday — run onto the pitch, screaming like someone has just shoved a cactus up your arse or like you have just missed Grand Cayman, with a red face, a jugular vein standing six inches out of your neck like a Klingon and your arms held aloft like you just found out Donald Trump has left you all his money and all his Just For Men hair dye.

Because after you have reached the middle of the playing field and sunk to your knees in a puddle of gratitude and happiness, you will realise you are an accountant, or a washing machine salesman and you have just made yourself look like a total and utter plonker.
Massive demonstrations of pride are acceptable if you are a Miami Heat owner and you have just watched the team you have invested millions of dollars in win the NBA championship. Then it’s fine to rip your shirt off and wave it around your head and its fine to run over to the owner of the other team and make rapid hip thrusting movements at him. But when you are watching a bunch of muddy kids running about like puppy dogs, they are not.

Also, no matter how knowledgeable you might be about the sport you’re watching, do not feel free at any point to offer loud advice. This will make everyone on the team want to kick you in the testicles and, since it’s against school rules to attack visiting fathers, they will simply wait until they are in the locker room after the game and kick your child instead.

Furthermore, offering helpful hints at the top of your voice will irritate the officials, who may at some point come over and ask you to be quiet. This can end in a fight. And no one wants to see a father rolling around in the mud trying to punch his son’s sports coach in the face.
Anyway, I caught cold and watched parents be something I promise you Kye I will never become. However, as cold and as miserable as those few hours were I did learn one valuable lesson. And that is school sports are great places to start an affair. I know this because there were many “Mums” watching the game without their husbands who were probably at work. The women were all dressed up as though they were going pole dancing – not to watch rugby. It was hard to concentrate on the game not just because of the cold but the woman next to me was the spitting image of Keira Knightly.

I, therefore, took it upon myself to talk to her and turned on the cruise director charm button. However, and this is critical, when you have become engaged in small talk with a pretty Mum and you are hoping she will invite you round to her house for tea and crumpets, do not get so distracted that you miss your child scoring a goal, touchdown or a basket. It was while I was talking to Keira that Danny’s son scored a try which is the same as a touchdown. Now, had this been my son I would have fainted hoping that Keira would have given me the kiss of life. Of course, this might irritate your son if he were to turn around and find his Dad being French kissed by his best friend’s Mum.

Well Christmas is in the air. My mad neighbour Frank has his illuminations up including his ridiculous fake glowing Santa climbing up the chimney. The ships will all be decorated this coming weekend and the first performances of the Christmas show are only a week away. Heidi and I are planning what to buy Kye and her toys will reduce Heidi and I to tears. Mums and Dads know what I mean right? Parents weep, argue and use very bad four-letter words as their fingers become bloodied stumps from all those twisty ties, plastic moulding and welded cardboard as they try to release a toy that has been entombed like an Egyptian pharaoh. Christmas day now includes turkey, a tree and a ready supply of box cutters, screwdrivers and batteries.

I will finish where I have started with Peppa Pig as that is what we are buying Kye, Pepper Pig toys and Peppa Pig’s House and Peppa Pig’s car and Peppa Pig’s playground. I wonder if they do a Peppa Pig slaughterhouse?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John