It used to be easy to be a man. Work. Eat. Sleep. Have rumpy pumpy. Fart. Men never had to worry about anything really. The wife would cook dinner and us men never had to be worried about what designer label was written on the waistband of your underpants.
But these days, it has all gone tits up as we say where I come from. Here on the Carnival Breeze, I am surrounded by men with names like Butch, Ryan and Kyle. These are not normal men and neither are many of the men you know. That’s because these days it’s all changed. Farting and having rumpy pumpy over the washing machine have been replaced by far more important things. Men are expected to rub conditioner into their hair, polish their nails, buy things to make their teeth shiny and white, use moisturizer to keep their skin smooth and join a gymnasium to stay fit. And gone are the days when you bought a wristwatch so that you could see what time it was. Open any GQish magazine and it’s full of perfectly formed men advertising watches while usually wearing a leather jacket and pointing to some mysterious object in the sky.
The Butches and the Ryans of today’s world all wear Brietlings. I think this is because if you wear a Breitling and you are no longer Ryan the project manager who sits in a cubicle devising spread sheets, you are Jack Power who sits in his Aston Martin and doesn’t spread sheets, he spreads Latvians.
But the one area where I am completely confused is men’s fragrances. I have never been one for splashing it all over but even if I was, how the heck would any man know what to buy? The new fragrance department here on the Carnival Breeze has a huge “men’s fragrance ” section which I walked through last night. Pausing, I looked at the near 100-plus bottles of all shapes, sizes and prices. Should I buy the Davidoff Blue Water, which the label tells me will enable me to smell “clean, fresh and professional.” What!? Our captain is a professional but he doesn’t smell of anything. It’s like smelling happy or angry or horny.
Oh, hold on, here’s one that’s just right for me. Channel Man. This it says “smells of the ocean.” What ocean? The Mediterranean? The Indian? Or a river in Paris that smells of urine and French bathers?”
This is, of course, bollocks and the Ryans and Butches of the world will tell you that you have to layer on fragrances, starting with shower gel and then expensive brand name deodorant followed by aftershave, and then some eye gel that says it was made from a rare plant in the Amazon when it was actually made from bits of old soap by a lady in a Chinese factory and sold to us mugs for $100 plus. Again, it’s all bollocks. I want to smell of whatever I’ve eaten or done. If I have just done the bedtime story, I smell of sweat. If I have just eaten a curry, I smell of well…..curry. I’m a man, eau de toilette de perfume is for women or Calvyn.
Shopping is also just for ladies. I realise that some men like to waste their free time mooching about in town, having their hair styled and buying designer clothes. They have scrotums and dangly bits but they are not men. A real man would have to think long and hard if offered the choice between being stuck in an elevator for seven hours with someone with explosive diarrhea and going into a cubicle to try on a pair of pants. Trying on pants is, without doubt, the worst thing that can happen in a man’s life. It is like going to the dentist and having Stevie Wonder try to pull your tooth while you are forced to listen to Kenny G’s greatest hits.
They say it’s a man’s world. It’s not. It’s a metrosexual world full of creams, lotions, perfumes, oils and clothing they don’t make in my size. I am a stranger in this world. I am Frenchman in Bath and Bodyworks. I am an Amish guy in Best Buy. I am H82Seaugo on a web page called www.ilovecarnivalandjohnheald.com.
Time for today’s Q and A……..here we go then.
T. Kennedy asked:
I wanted to let you know we had a fabulous time on the Carnival Valor on 3/17. The staff was great. Our dining room staff was excelent. Leilana and Khristen(sp) are a great asset to Carnival. Also, I have to mention the Assistant Cruise Director Everson(sp). He was always very invloved in everything on board. Please let all the staff on the Carnival Valor know they did a great job.John says:
Hello T.KennedyThanks so much for this wonderful review which I have sent to the ship. They will be thrilled and I hope that this means we will see you again very, very soon.
Best wishes and so glad you had fun.
JohnLaura asked:
Hi. I’m hoping you can help me with this. We are looking at taking Carnival’s transfer service from Galveston to IAH after our cruise. Our flight doesn’t leave until 3:30pm so we are in no hurry to get off the ship. Do you happen to know what time we would need to get off to catch the last bus to IAH? I’ve asked, called and emailed and still haven’t received a good answer so I was hoping you would know.
Thanks
John says:
Hello LauraThe last bus will leave the port to go to Houston at 9:00am so you will, I am afraid, be at the airport at around 11:00am. I am sorry you have had to wait for an answer for so long and I am sure you will have a brilliant cruise. Please let me know if there is anything else you need.
Best wishes.
JohnJohn Lavelle asked:
John, I have booked a client on Breeze Oct. 1-13 this year and I told him that I think you will be his CD and I think he will absolutely love that experience. You were our CD on Glory a few years back when we got sandwiched between Ivan in the Western Caribbean and Jeanne in St. Thomas while we were in St. Maarten. I thought you were magnificent in a very difficult situation. We had the pleasure of cruising with you again on Liberty once since then and you haven’t lost your magic. Will you be aboard Breeze in Oct? Can you drop a note or a hello to John (Jack) Jupin and Karen Rosenberg stateroom 7434? This will be his third Carnival cruise (both previously aboard Spirit). The CD schedule doesn’t show that far out.John says:
Hello John LavelleI remember that cruise so very well and thanks so much for the kind words. I will indeed be here and will look after your clients and make sure they have a great time. Please, so I don’t forget, can you ask them to drop me a note at the Guest Services Desk when they board just mentioning they are here and clients of yours. Thanks again and I hope we see each other again very soon.
Best wishes.
JohnSimon Knapp asked:
I hear from Cruise Critic pages that you hand out free stuff for birthdays. My girlfriend will have hers when we are on 7/26, booking number ******. Can you send her something? This is our 3rd Carnival cruise!John says:
Hello Simon KnappI will indeed send your girlfriend something and how nice of Cruise Critic to point you in this direction so I can wish you a wonderful cruise.
Best wishes to you both and have fun.
JohnAdriane McClain asked:
I will be sailing on the Breeze on August 14 and have a big concern about the ship. I read that this is Carnival’s least smoke friendly ship and that smokers have been hung out to dry on this boat. Why is that this happens? The non-smokers complain and spout all this garbage about second hand smoke and that it causes cancer which has never been proven. So because of these jerks, we get punished. I would cancel my cruise if I could because it’s my right to smoke on my vacation.John says:
Hello Adriane McClainI am glad you have written to me as I can tell you we do have smoking areas on the Carnival Breeze. There are plenty of places to sit and relax and smoke on most of the open decks as well as in parts of the casino. You can also smoke on your balcony, should you have one. I have been here for a full cruise and I have not had one complaint about smoking or non-smoking; the issue has simply not come up which is a good sign indeed. I will see you here and please get ready for a fantastic cruise.
Best wishes.
JohnDavid F.Grossman asked:
John, I need your help! I am considering making a booking for two cabins on the Splendor for the 46-day South America cruise to New York but need guarantees from you/Carnival before I do. I want a guaranteed table for 4 as we do not wish to be seated with other passengers for 46 days! My credit card is ready to be used so I hope I get a timely response to this request and that I do not have to write to your President Mr. Cahill to get this done!John says:
Hello David F. GrossmanThanks for taking the time to write to me and while I cannot 100% guarantee this request, I can promise to do all I can for you to make it happen. I hope you book this brilliant voyage as I am sure it will be something so very special. If you do book, please write to me here one month before you sail and, as I said, I will do all I can for you.
Best wishes.
JohnKathryn Chesnut asked:
I have cruised 9 times on Carnival– all were 7 or 8 days. Soon to be Platinum I hope. We love the dining room for breakfast, lunch and set time for dinner but we hate the back dining room; wish they would use the center dining room for set time. Also on the chair hogs, we sailed on the Freedom in Jan 2012 and had a really bad confrontation with some chair hogs. We had sat down in 2 chairs my husband and I and we moved them so we were facing the sun we were still in the line not aisle not in any one’s way and there were 8 eight chairs behind us saved for 2 hours when these people came and sat finally they wanted us to move and we refused we had been there all morning and we were not in their way, they didn’t like the way we had our chairs turned we informed them we did not like the way they had hogged the chairs for 2 hours and they got a Carnival employee and told them we would not move our chairs which they informed them we did not have to; we were not in the aisle. They cursed and were very ugly and we told the Carnival employee that they had hogged the chairs for 2 hours and he did nothing; they continued to hog the chairs the whole week. I hate this. I understand that you leave your chair to get a drink, lunch or restroom but to go down early in the am and stay in bed or wait 2 hours to go sit, then that is wrong.John says:
Hello Kathryn ChestnutI am sorry that this happened to you and it is a prime example of how complicated an issue the seat saving problem is. We are, at the moment, working with other cruise lines in the Carnival Corporation to see what they do and how we can implement the policies they have. Some have none and have the same problem we do but there is one line that seems to have a plan that works and the beards are studying this at the moment. Thanks so much for telling me about this and, once again, my apologies that you had to go through it. I will keep you informed as to what is happening.
Best wishes.
JohnBruce Henthorn asked:
Hi John,First time poster, first-time cruiser. I’ve been reading your blog for several months now and I love it. I’ve definitely got that “first time” cruise anticipation. This year will be my wife and my 25th wedding anniversary and we’ve never cruised before! How did we manage to miss out on what I imagine will be our favorite vacation ever?
So, we are traveling on the Conquest out of New Orleans Oct 28 for a 7 day cruise. Do you have any recommendations on what I can do to make it even better? I know you’ve pretty much seen it all so I truly value your opinion. We don’t have a ton to spend, but we did get a balcony on Deck 7. Also, I don’t see Conquest come up much in conversations (I assume because it is an older boat. I hope I didn’t make a mistake when I chose that one).
As always, I enjoy reading your blog and can hardly wait to read your next entry.
Bruce Henthorn
John says:
Hello Bruce HenthornYou are most welcome here and I hope that this will be the first of many posts from you. The Carnival Conquest is a great ship and you will really enjoy all she has to offer. The steakhouse would be my tip as it’s a beautiful area to enjoy a special meal and some magical moments together. The most important thing is that you go ready to have fun and relax and allow the brilliant staff to serve and entertain you. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and I promise that you will have the best of times.
Best wishes.
JohnKristie Rochford asked:
Can you tell me who the cruise director will be when we cruise on the Pride in August? Last time we had this annoying woman whose voice would drive the passengers to cover their ears every time she spoke on the public speakers. Please tell me it’s not her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!John says:
Hello Kristie Rochford.Your CD for the cruise on the beautiful Carnival Pride this August will be Kirk Benning. Have a wonderful time.
Best wishes.
John
And that’s all for today.
The other day I posted a Q and A about the new loyalty program and of course it was met with a lot of positive comments, some praise and some criticism. Most of that came from the Milestone guests who were upset at my over use of the word “brilliant” because simply, some did not think it was. I want to apologise for this because quite frankly I did not clearly understand what the Milestone program was all about. I have been discussing this with many of the beards and with one in particular, Mr. Jim Berra, our chief marketing officer, who would like to say these words to you.
Thank you for that, Jim. I know that this was written sincerely and may I add my own apologies again to anyone who felt I misled them. This was obviously never my attention and I will continue to work hard to help as many guests as I can.
What a fantastic cruise it was and as I have documented here and on Facebook, despite the itinerary change and despite a few areas where we need to improve, it was a great cruise. I was an idiot and let one bigot spoil my jubilant mood but apart from him, I think it’s safe to say that for a first cruise, everyone was happy. And so we start again and this is who is sailing with us.
GUESTS 4,263
FRENCH CANADIAN 194
DUTCH 36
RUSSIAN 256
ITALIAN 9
PORTUGUESE 15
JAPANESE 79
GERMAN 25
SPANISH 56
Total Under 18 – 808
So a real family cruise and one I am looking forward to every month. This season, each cruise seems to be different in terms of the rotation of the ports so let’s have a look at where we are heading these next 12 days and who will be entertaining them.
Fri, Jun, 15 Barcelona Welcome Aboard / Motor City Barcelona Sail Away Party 5am-5pm
Sat, Jun, 16 Marseilles Hasbro/Divas/Latin Nights Mark Simmons/ Mutzie 7am-4pm
Sun, Jun, 17 Livorno Brits/ Motor City Mark Simmons/ Mutzie 7am-7pm
Mon, Jun, 18 Rome Hasbro/Latin Nights Deck Party 7am-8pm
Tue, Jun, 19 Salerno Claire Gobin (Violinist) Tom Pepper / Austin Knight 8am-7pm
Wed, Jun, 20 at sea Brits, Motor City, Divas Tom Pepper / Austin Knight
Thu, Jun, 21 Dubrovnik John Lenahan (Magician) 7am-4pm
Fri, Jun, 22 Venice Divas/Brits 10am-11pm
Sat, Jun, 23 at sea Motown, Hasbro, Divas SSL Deck Party
Sun, Jun, 24 Messina Hasbro / John’s Bedtime Story Smiley Joe Wiley / Jason Blanchard 10am-7pm
Mon, Jun, 25 at sea Brit’s, Latin Nights Smiley Joe Wiley # 437341/ Jason Blanchard
Tue, Jun, 26 Mallorca Latin Nights/ Divas SSL 8am-6pm
As you can see, we have a great line up of entertainment with multiple chances to see the four brand new shows, two superb variety acts, six different comedians performing 24 comedy shows and comedy brunch shows as well and oh, yes, some tired old fat bloke performing his bedtime story. Looks like a fantastic cruise………wish you were here. Oh, we also have a very important press group sailing so look out for articles in USA Today, Daily Telegraph and Latvian Women In Stockings Weekly.
It’s 1:08pm as I write this section of today’s blog thingy and everyone is so excited to be here on this Carnival Breeze……..well, nearly everyone.
From: BREEZE GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR
Sent: Friday, June 15, 2012 12:27 PM
To: BREEZE HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER; BREEZE ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; BREEZE CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: BREEZE GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; BREEZE GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR
Subject: _______ unhappy with female stateroom steward and musicGood day,
Mr_________ has been to the GSD to state that he will not have a female stateroom steward and wants a male steward or a different cabin. Mr _________also states that when he boarded the ship, there was loud rock music playing in the lobby and guest states he had been expecting classical music as on other cruise lines.
Thank you and kind regards,
Senior Guest Services Supervisor
So Mr. Happysod boarded the ship at 11:38am and less than an hour later, he is making two comments at the guest services desk, very impressive! Anyway, we won’t be changing his stateroom but we have a male stateroom steward who once finishing his own section, will make up Mr. Happysod’s stateroom and I feel so bad for the young Thai lady who was ready to give him and his family wonderful hospitality and service and one cannot help wondering why a man from Anaheim, California, would demand that his wife and two young children have a male stateroom steward. As for the music, well, we have the DJ playing and welcoming people and they have a pre-agreed song list which includes the Gypsy Kings, Jimmy Buffett, Kool and the Gang and Beeoncehay. There is no Moterhead, no Iron Maiden, no Jazzy Jay, no M and Ms and no Throbbing Gristle. I have a feeling that Mr. Happysod may, just may, provide me with further blog entries this cruise.
This cruise we will present another brilliant selection on the Seaside Theatre of our Dive In movies complete with free popcorn and warm branded snuggle blankets, if needed. We have chick flick nights, action nights and movies like Captain America, Sherlock Holmes 1 and 2, When Harry Met Sally and the vomit inducing Ghost. Yep, Carnival Breeze’s deck 10 has a wonderful feel to it at night as we sail the Med. Now we also have a “Twilight Night” which, when I saw this on the movie menu, I had to ask a metrosexual colleague what this is all about because last cruise it was one of the most popular nights up there.
I honestly didn’t have a bloody clue that it was a romantic fantasy aimed at teenage girls. That’s two reasons not to see it and two reasons to feel nauseous.
I went up to watch a bit with Calvyn and from what I saw, it appears that the heroine, Bellend or something like that, is contemplating whether she wants to have rumpy pumpy with a vampire or a werewolf.
I have a few questions and comments then. Why not try them both out, or get to second base with one and third with the other as modern teen girls do these days? And she’s certainly not allowed to date them both at once, although that would clearly make for a far better film but not one that we could probably show on the Carnival Breeze Lido Deck.
Whichever one she picks is the one she’s stuck with forever. So how come this movie is so popular then because as far as I could see, Bellend is essentially deciding whether she’d rather have rumpy pumpy……..in a forest………with a bat or a wolf. She’s got bugger all interest then in old fashioned human on human action……..if it doesn’t have fur or flies……..she isn’t interested. Don’t let this girl loose in a zoo for God’ sake.
I asked Calvyn what happens and apparently she chooses the bat in the end, which is the worst possible choice, because being a vampire, he’s not just any old bat, but one that’s hundreds of years old and isn’t even properly alive. What a load of pointless bollocks.
Horror movies have never been my thing, especially these slasher movies where a man in a hockey mask saws the limbs off some Z list actress. But I also never saw the fascination in these old horror movies either that had the least scary monsters ever created.
Take The Mummy for example. Mummies are just zombies in medical gift wrap and are as threatening as Richard Simmons threating you with a tooth pick. Since their teeth are covered up, they’re reduced to stumbling around with outstretched arms trying to hug you to death. But ghosts, well they just moan and complain about their own misfortune, like someone writing complaining that the music was too sodding loud when they walked on board or that their stateroom steward didn’t have an Adam’s apple and dangly bits, FFS!
And they usually don’t even manage that. Instead, they make intermittent knocking sounds or slam the odd door in a huff. I’ve had neighbors worse than that. In fact, there’s an Italian officer who lives opposite from me whose girlfriend makes more noise than that most nights………maybe the officer is a bat……Marco Batto. Anyway………I would gladly swap them for a ghost because some nights it’s like Old MacDonald’s entire farm is living in the cabin opposite me.
But vampires……..well, they are the worst because they are the only monster that’s actually grown less frightening since I was a kid. Early vampires were the Peter Cushings and Christopher Lees. They were truly creepy bastards who would have rumpy pumpy with a beautiful virgin and then bite a chunk out of her neck and throw her off a castle tower. These days, vampires have got bloody feelings. Two people who should never have feelings are vampires and James Bond …… now both are as touchy-feely as Calvyn in a dress. They’re lonely and tortured and all messed up inside and are probably getting vampire therapy at some clinic in Arizona. They spend more time crying than killing people. These days it seems vampires come in two sorts— totally big girly wimps or swingers.
Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing used to make me hide behind the sofa and crap myself………..but after seeing some of Twilight ………………my underpants remained totally clean.
You want to be scared out of your wits………..well, try watching Calvyn and I recreating the nude wrestling scene from Borat. Now that is truly horrific.
Goodnight.
Your friend,
John
P.S. Please enjoy today’s Fun Times, direct from your Carnival Breeze.
Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.
Ahhhh Twilight. The story of a young girls struggle to choose between bestiality and necrophilia.
Adriane McClain
One small correction…..it is NOT your “right” to smoke on your vacation.
Smoking is a privilege not a “right”.
And as a privilege, you have the responsibility not to harm another human being.
Sorry you do not believe the proven science of how second hand smoke can trigger asthma attacks (especially in children) among other things like irritant reactions in people like myself….
but this does indeed harm innocent human beings; which again…you do not have the “right” to do.
The request for a male stateroom attendant probably came from a history of philandering, and pretty Thai girls being too much temptation.
Hi John,
Just wanted to apologize for my rant about the red/gold card thingy that I posted to you a couple of nights ago. There’s been some further clarification – from you – and I am happy again. Which makes my darling husband happy as well, since he was getting tired of my mumbling about red and gold and having NO clue why I was upset with him!
Very much enjoying your posts about the Breeze!
Sincerely,
Becky Noll
T. Kennedy is absolutely right about Eversen! David and I were on this same cruise with our boys and Eversen was one of the best ACD’s ever! I hope to see him as a CD soon. He relates so well to ALL of the guests both young and OLD!
Sounds like this cruise is off to a good start. Do Not let Mr.Happysod get to you! I am so looking forward to the next sailing on July 9 because my husband & I will be aboard!! Can’t wait to meet you & Calvyn!
To Bruce Henthorn: John also neglected to mention that Conquest will be coming off it’s 2.0 remodel for your cruise. Yes, Conquest is an older ship, but it will be brand spanking new for YOU! I don’t even look at a cruise now unless it’s had the upgrades. Make sure you don’t miss the “Guy’s Burger Joint”, the comedy club, Kareoke with a live band, and the list goes on and on. You’ll have the BEST time ever and be hooked for life as I am.
Hello I want to first thank all the staff at Carnival for the wonderful service that they provided for myself and family July 4 2011 on the Ectasy. I do have a few questions. Do you know who will be the CD on the Liberty on October 13, 2012 Also this will be our second honeymoon and my husbands 41 birthday we are eating in the steak house but is there anything else that can be done to make my husbands birthday memorable? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions and thank you for providing us with WONDER vacations!!!!!
Hi John,
If you would like to start playing Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Sabbath or even Throbbing Gristle as guests enter the ship, I would be happy. (I can’t vouch for my wife, though.)
You might also consider selected works of Rammstein because nothing says “welcome” like someone screaming at you in german!
Cheers,
Todd A. Breitenstein
My wife will be on the Carnival Destiny with your cousin and sister on the July 19th cruise. Will you be the CD on that cruise? If so you can you say hi to her or, if you are not, ask the CD for that cruiste to give them a ‘shout out’? That would really make their day.
John,
Thanks for posting the FunTimes and the entertainment line up. Does the FunTime listings change much from cruise to cruise, we sailing on July 9th?
Thanks,
Speaking as a platinum carnival guest, hard to believe it was mostly the milestones who criticized the new program. As platinums we gained absolutely nothing and lost some nice perks. Please put me down in the critical column for the new program.
BTW John I am criticizing Carnival for this not you.
Stuart, can you plaese tell me what great things were lost? I have seen the same list that you have and I just don’t see it that way. Losing stationary and a few little things like that I can do without. Frankly when was the last time you or me wrote a letter to someone?
John, as usual you blog has been interesting, informative and amusing. I would like to say that I think Ms. McClain was way off base calling non smokers jerks. No one had attacked her, yet, she came out blaming non smokers for something she quote “heard about not being able to smoke.”
This jerk of a non smoker has serious breathing problems that I do not wish on anyone, so, please don’t call me a jerk.
Thanks for letting me air my views.
Marie, aka Mary
Adriane, We smoked for over 40 years and quit cold turkey when it just got too expensive. The same amount we USED to spend on smokes now buys us two cruises a year. Please understand that you can’t appreciate fully a smoke-free environment until you quit (Hope you do, it saved my life). I bear no smoker ill will, please don’t assault those of us who wish not to breath tobacco smoke, for whatever reason.
Dear John:
Nice work.
Bill Heck
LMAO!!!!! Thanks for the laughs my friend! You are a gift to us all. YOU are on my bucket list….On a cruise of course!
Until then, keep the treats coming~
Hi John
!st time poster… currently on my “Magical” cruise… and having a great time with my family! I can’t wait to book my next cruise. My question is regarding the Kids club… How can we find out which day will be the Club O/Circle C excursion? We book our excursions in advance as it has always been recommended to us but once we get on our cruise, the kids make friends and want to go on an excursion w/the group – which we have to decline since we’ve already paid for one w/the family…. I’d like to know for our next cruise!
Having a great time on Magic!
Blanca
Conquest -3 times – LOVED it
Legend – 1 time – LOVED it
Hi John,
I’ll slip a copy of Latvian Women In Stockings Weekly under Mr. Happysod’s door for you. BTW, Drakkar Noir cologne is guaranteed to increase the chances of ‘Rumpy Pumpy’ with the Mrs!
Ciao for now!
Best,
AnitaLottaSleepAfterAllTheGin&TonicsLastNight
Hi John,
Another spot on blog, may I suggest before casting stones at ads featuring perfect men pointing at the sky you check out your blog banner. Where do these ad executives get their ideas!
Please reconsider your Throbbing Gristle policy, I’m sure Mr Anaheim would have been delighted to have been piped aboard with Maggot Death or Five Knuckle Shuffle.
Anyway I’m off to get my mind’s eye disinfected after having an unpleasant image burned onto it from your final paragraph.
All the best see you on the Breeze in August.
“I want to smell of whatever I’ve eaten or done.” hahaha – My hubby says he’s going to borrow that as his new catch phrase!
We will be joining the Carnival Breeze on the 21st July. This is our first cruise, so I am a bit apprehensive, but very excited. Absolutely love your Facebook postings & blogs, such a laugh. My husband Pete and 16 year old daughter Charlotte are desperate to have a photo opportunity with you!! Looking forward to meeting you, here’s to the 21st.
Kind regards
Margaret, Peter & Charlotte Jones
John, my wife and I were also on that Gory cruise in 2004. Sailing date was 9/11 that John Lavelle’s post was talking about. And we agree with him. You are what got us throu that cruise. Thanks
Hi John -my daughter and I are sailing on the July 1 Magic. This will be our 3 cruise, we always go this week on my daughter’s birthday (7/7). I read somewhere that carnival does not do anything special for “special” celebrations. I just read on your blog that you do?!?… Is this true?
If so, do I make the request on the ship?
Thanks for your help! Toni
PLEASE REPLY
Hello John,
I am booked on the Carnival Breeze TA Nov 6th and looking forward to seeing you and Calvyn again.
Reading the comments of those who have just returned from the Breeze it seems that breakfast was only available in the MDR on port days.
Comedy Brunch was available on Sea days from 9am but not the usual breakfast from 8am-10am.
I prefer to eat breakfast in the MDR and was of the assumption that both breakfast and brunch would be offered in different dining rooms.
Please would you clarify this.
Really looking forward to seeing you in October.
Mary
John, my husband and I will be on the Breeze for the October 13 sailing from Barcelona. We are platinum members and are beyond excited for our “bucket list” cruise. I want to know if there will be a coffee card like the coke card? On such a long cruise it would be a great thing to have. On our Alaska cruise on the princess line it was available we loved it! Thanks! Hopefully we can meet you in October!
Hi John.
I’m really enjoying reading your blog in preparation for my upcoming wedding on the Carnival Ecstasy, July 26, 2012. It’ll be the first time on a cruise for my groom and all his family who are from Stoke! I’m from Bermuda so we cruise loads but weirdly enough for me, never on Carnival. Til now *grin* Anyhoo, keep it coming.
Tia
Great as usual, thanks John
Hello John
Wondefully entertaining blog as usual.
We took our 1st cruise last year on the Magic and loved it, my son thought you were very funny and even laughed at your jokes, and he loved the comments during dinner of the passenger missing list!!
Having had such a wonderful time on Magic we have booked again and will be sailing on The Breeze on the 14th August.
My Son celebrates his 11th birthday on the 20th, we are planning to take one of your excursion to Capri for the day, I wonder if you would be good enough to arrange a little birthday surprise for him it would make the cruise for him.
Incidentially, talking of Capri,did you ever hear from the former guest who took a wee in Capri and said it was your fault he was fined by the police as you had not provided him with a loo on his excursion!! ( not sure if you remember we bumped into you in the life one morning and we have a chuckle about it).
See you on the 14th, I know you are mega busy but if you could arrange something for my son, I would be grateful,,, remember his does laugh as your jokes!
We trevelled on the magic last year and joining the breeze on 9th july their was a singer on board called michelle brooke who was excellent can you tell me if she will be on the breeze
Hello Emma from Leeds!! My name is Michelle Brooke and I was the Show Band singer on the Carnival Magic- I”ve just seen your lovely comment here, thank you so much! I am currently working on the Carnival Fascination as the ship’s Female Production Singer! Thank you again for your support for our Carnival Team!
Hi John. I always thought you received the enjoyment of being on a cruise as what you got. First we use to get a beautiful pin to remind you of your wonderful cruise. Eventually the beards thought that was to much and only gave it to special people. If you wanted a pin you would have to buy one. Fine I thought, I’ll buy one but to my amazement this was the original pin but cheap one. That really bothered me. As time went on things we use to get are now stopped. I’ll be going on my 7th cruise and eventually I hope to get to my 10th and then is there any thing that use to be given will that be taken away. People use to inform me of all the great things that they received as special items as tokens of your support for Carnival. Is all of this going to finished? I always buy a hat stating the ship I’m on and would have liked to put a GOOD pin on the hat. I guess I’m just a person who received my first cruise surprise and would have enjoyed after each cruise. Sorry for my acting so silly.
Paul F. Pietrangelo
Hi John
Have just come back from 12 day Carnival Breeze cruise, and have to say that this was best cruise to date, done Magic last year and Legend.
However one small grip, on the Magic Arcade game could be played with tokens, however on Breeze games only accept sign and sail card. My son was very happy last year getting his bag of tokens and paying his games. Giving my son free rein on a sign and sail card is not an option, I know I could have added credit to this card, but this is not the same as a bag of tokens. In addition it would be useful to have machine for card top ups in games room.
Hi John, we went on the first sailing of the breeze 3rd June and I had to tell you we had a fantastic time. Best carnival ship so far. Decor beautiful , staff wonderful food excellent and thrill theatre inspired. Can’t wait to get next cruise booked up , our fourth with carnival hopefully . Only downside this time is we missed marseille but all your hard work in sorting out a difficult situation appreciated. Congrats to all
Sarah from uk
Dear John,
Thanks once again for a the “Brilliant” time we had on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze. It certainly lived up to our expectations. The decore certainly makes it seem like you are on a Carribean island.
We enjoyed cruising with you again. As I have to.d you in earlier communications we really enjoy the humour that you and Calvyn create.
We also appreciate the effort you put into trying to make everyone’s cruising experience memorable.
Hope to see you soon on future cruises. All the best to you and your family.
Hi John,
My wife and I are sailing on the Breeze with you (June 15th). It started out poorly with the the airline loosing all our luggage. Looked like the cruise formal night would be in inaugural tee shirts. We want to thank the guest service desk, and especially Irene, for finding the bags and having them delivered to us in Liverno. Tell Mr Happysod sometimes stuff happens.
Hi John,
My family is doing the back-to-back on the Breeze 22-24 Nov & 24 Nov – 2 Dec. Do we have to get off the ship? How does that work? Thanks….Keith
John,
I am with you on fragrance. There’s a perfume I buy my wife for her birthday because she likes it. But for the life of me I couldn’t tell the difference between it and any other. My nose is big, but not particularly sensitive to perfume unless it’s to alert me that I am allergic to it by causing a sneeze!
Let Bruce know that the Conquest is a wonderful ship — I know it’s available on all the ships, but he shouldn’t miss The Chef’s Table, or when listed in Fun Times the wine pairing classes. Both amazing and delicious shipboard activities! We are looking forward to sailing on her again after dry dock.
Which reminds me, will the Conquest be losing the jogging track with the new retrofits? I am not sure exactly where the cool serenity deck goes in relation to the current jogging track. It’s not a problem if it goes away: I’ll head for the gym. But I don’t want to look forward to it if it will be “making way for progress”!
Can’t wait! 139 days!
-Mark
John I noticed that Bruce Henthorn asked about the October 28th sailing of the Conquest. You missed telling him about the most important part of that particular Cruise it will be the first sailing after the fun
2.0 up dates and up grades.
My latest cruise review for John: We just finished cruising on the Carnival Glory to Canada out of Boston. It was another “glorious” cruise. The food at dinner was simply fantastic as always, and the ship was beautiful, one of our favorites. Big Sexy was a great cruise director (though nobody will ever reach the epic greatness of you, John), and almost everything went smoothly. The staff was fine (though I’m not sure it will be possible to top the incredible staff on our previous cruise this past February on the Carnival Victory – I still remember I Made, Heavy D, and the rest of the incredible Victory dining staff from that cruise). Anyway, for this cruise, I have to give a shout-out to Tom Riccio, the awesome piano player in the Piano Bar. We had actually sailed with him on the Carnival Spirit to Alaska last year, and he was by far the best piano player we had seen. The pianists from our other cruises were not all that, well, great. Long story short, on the way to this cruise last week, we were talking about Tom and how great he was compared to all the rest, and we were wondering what to expect on this one, as we love the Piano Bars. When I walked into the piano bar, I couldn’t believe it – I saw Tom playing! I ran out and got Eileen, and I said to her, “You’ve got to see this!” I pulled her in, and we both just started laughing. It was great that he was there. We told him the story. That made the cruise. Finally, the only negative comment I have is about the adults-only areas. The Serenity Deck and the “Adults-only comedy nights” are supposedly kid-free. Well, they’re not. The kids have their own areas, why can’t adults to get a break from the noise and non-sense? If these are adults-only areas, nobody enforced it. There were always a few kids on the Serenity Deck, and lots of kids (from screaming babies (literally – one of the comedians even commented on it) to all ages of teens. Why doesn’t anyone do anything about it? There are always going to be rude, inconsiderate parents who don’t give a crap about courtesy to others, but they got away with it the whole cruise. Carnival should do more to enforce this. That’s my only complaint. Other than that, another awesome cruise!
Jeff
Dear John,
We just got home from our cruise on the Carnival Breeze. Thank you for a wonderful vacation. Loved the decor on the Breeze, everybody was so friendy and the shore excursions were memorable. My question for you…..What happened to my two pieces of chocolate on my bed by the towel animal each night? I’m sure a woman didn’t make that decision.
Sue
John, you are great!! Keep up the great work!!
David F.Grossman asked:
John, I need your help! I am considering making a booking for two cabins on the Splendor for the 46-day South America cruise to New York but need guarantees from you/Carnival before I do. I want a guaranteed table for 4 as we do not wish to be seated with other passengers for 46 days! My credit card is ready to be used so I hope I get a timely response to this request and that I do not have to write to your President Mr. Cahill to get this done!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey John,
I haven’t been on in awhile but we just found out leave dates for my husband after he gets back from Afghanistan so we have started the search for our cruise!
I loved this post, it is amazing as always and made me laugh my pants off! Thank you so much for your humor and I hope we can be on the same ship as you for our post-deployment cruise! (I’m on team garlic personally!)
Excellent Blog as usual, and good use of the word Bellend!
You must have the patience of a saint having to deal the likes of that bellend from Anaheim all the time.
Look forward to meeting you on the Breeze at the end of July….*planning my unreasonable and far fetched complaints ready for you!
Kristie Rochford, I think I know which cruise director woman you are talking about. I don’t remember her name, but I sailed with her on Imagination last year. The most annoying voice and personality you could only imagine…..
John, I think you pegged Ryan correctly. if this is the same Ryan that was on the conquest last December, He is an over moisturized metrosexual.He cost me the hairy chest contest by adding a new element. He asked us all to dance the worm. I don’t have the knees for it. a much younger man who was also overmoistureized ( probably also named Ryan as many metrosexuals are)won despite having the chest hair of a 14 year old girl. Going back to the conquest in October. Glad Serena has replaced Ryan there.
John, thank you for the laughs – I shared your views of “Twilight” with my husband & son.
As for Mr. Happysod, I can only feel sorry for someone who is so obviously looking for things to complain about instead of enjoying his vacation. (Or maybe he enjoys being angry/annoyed?)
great blog, keep up the good work!
@Kristie Rochford, my wife and I just had Kirk Benning as CD on the Carnival Legend 6/10 7-day from Tampa for our 3rd cruise. It was his last cruise on the Legend before he takes a vacation and switches to the Pride in Baltimore. We saw him leaving the ship with his bags as everyone else was. He is really great in the show lounge, a powerful entertainer and showman. One night in the lounge I said to him that he looks like he likes his job. His reply was, “I love my job!” and it shows. You’re going to like him a lot. We think he is the best we have seen so far, but we’ve not had John yet.