We have a procedure here on the ships that when a crew member is not well, he or she will go to the ship’s doctors. Now if the doc thinks the crew member cannot work, he or she is what we call “signed off,” meaning that they cannot work until seen again by the doctors and pronounced fit for duty. This is obviously an important procedure as you don’t want a sick crew member making your chocolate melting cake, do you? Seriously, we have very strict guidelines for crew when they are ill and the medical staff on the ships provides them with brilliant medical care and I thank them so much for doing so. Usually, when I am informed about a crew member being signed off work, I am not told why as that is, of course, confidential information. Sometimes, though, the crew members will tell me themselves and, indeed, such was the case a few weeks ago.

I haven’t written about this as I wanted to make sure he was better before I mentioned this and do so, by the way, with his permission. You see, this staff member was signed off from work and ordered to have four days of bed rest because he had been wearing tight pants and shorts which had given him something called a “twisted testicle.” I will stop here for a few minutes to allow the male readers of the blog to check their undercarriage in panic.

OK, now that we are all back, let me say that I was horrified when he told me this but at the same time I had to say that it doesn’t surprise me as this is another one of those fashion gone mad moments. I see my younger staff members and, indeed the metrosexual CD’s, wear these ridiculously tight pants which pushes their meat and two vegetables up around their nostrils so damn right it’s going to twist your bollocks around.

But men are not the only ones are they who put up with pain for the sake of fashion. I see it every week on the ships. Ladies can be seen on elegant nights walking down Promenade deck in seven-inch heels looking like a drunken stilt walker. Now, I am a middle aged fat bloke whose understanding of fashion is the same as Donald Trump’s understanding of flying economy class. But even I have to say that I don’t understand why ladies put themselves through this and wear shoes that leave them blistered and bloody. I asked one of the young ladies who works here on Carnival Breeze about these shoes and explained I would be writing about them in my blog. She is 20 something and has an understanding of things like this and she taught me a phrase I have never heard before. She said these shoes with huge heels are often called ……and excuse me being blunt here……they are called “**** me shoes.” Who knew? So there you go, it’s all the rage apparently for women who are on the prowl for prey to wear “**** me ” shoes. And if there are any Latvian ladies reading this please note……………I am wearing “**** me” socks.

Time for today’s Q and A……….off we go

Rick Drake asked:

We are sailing on the Carnival Legend out of Dover on August 20, 2013. We’d like to spend a day in Dover the night before the cruise. How would you recommend that we get from Heathrow to Dover without renting a car? (Not sure I can handle driving on the wrong side of the road.)

John says:
Hello Rick Drake,

In the weeks ahead, I will be posting information on transfers from the airports to Dover and hotel information, as well. If you don’t want to do this, the Heathrow Express train service right from the airport will get you to Dover station with one change or there is a direct bus service through a company called National Express. Tony L — if you are reading this and have any other advice please can you post to Rick? I will have more information soon and please let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Charles Forshee asked:
John,

I am a Carnival stock owner and was thinking about buying some more stock. The question I have is, if I have my wife buy the stock in her name will she also receive the on board credit for
her owning stock? I couldn’t get an answer from Carnival costumer service.

John says:
Hello Charles Forshee,

It is only one OBC for stock holders per cabin, Charles, I am afraid. Please let me know if I can help further and I will be here for you.

Best wishes to you both.

Brad Burchill asked:

I am a proud member of Cruise Critic’s Roll Call and we have a large group of 120 for the Carnival Breeze cruise of November 6 which is the trans-Atlantic crossing cruise. We will need three meetings arranged with a private room blocked on the following dates – 11/8 at 2pm. 11/14 at 2pm and 11/19 at 2pm. We prefer the piano bar and will require bar snacks and bar waiter service as well and most importantly, a PRIVATE PARTY, sign outside the piano bar. Can you organize this, John?

John says:
Hello Brad Churchill,

It will be an honour to have you all on the ship for the crossing and I will certainly help. Now we are sometime away so I would ask that you write to me again here one month before the sailing or one week before on www.facebook.com/johnheald if you can, please. I can’t promise the piano bar as that will depend on scheduled activities and other groups but I am certain I can get you this at least once. The bar waiters will be there to provide service with individual payment on sail and sign cards. So please do not forget to remind me and I will do my best to arrange this.

Cheers.

Elizabeth Zomer asked:
Hi John,

I just wrote a comment on your latest, and thought I might ask you a quick question as well. As I said earlier, my family and I – all 19 of us! – are sailing out of Miami on the Carnival Breeze Feb. 2, 2013. This is a gift from my father-in-law to all of us. He has terminal cancer and dreamed of cruising with the whole family, including the nine grandchildren. The children will be just shy of 13 years old all the way down to three at the time of sailing. All this rambling is leading up to asking how will we likely be seated by the staff? We have chosen Anytime Dining and we won’t dine together every night, but on those nights where we’d like to, is it possible? I didn’t think we could be accommodated at 19 of us.

Thank you in advance,

Elizabeth

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Zomer,

Thanks for taking the time to write and I am so sorry to read about your father-in-law who is in my thoughts. We do not have tables for 19 but we can arrange two big tables side by side so as long as you enter the dining room together, you will be seated together. If there is anything else you can think of that I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Joshua Noseda asked:

Can I please ask why Carnival Cruise Lines, which is owned by a Jewish family has no Jewish services on their ships? I read today that you did not even have the courtesy to answer a question about this and the Hanukkah celebrations and had someone else answer, Cheryl. This is very poor customer service and obviously I will need to take this further with the senior management and Mr. Arison himself.

John says:
Hello Joshua Noseda,

I think I replied to a comment similar to this in a recent blog where I expressed regret that I had missed a comment posted in the blog about Hanukkah which was picked up by a colleague of mine and fellow cruise director, Chris Roberts. He answered that we do have Hanukkah celebrations and the Menorah lighting ceremony each night and apologised as do I. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

John Clark asked:
Hey John,

Quick question for you. My wife and I will be cruising to Mexico on the Carnival Splendor this fall. Do you have any idea if the bars on board will carry Gosling’s dark rum and ginger beer so I can get a proper Dark and Stormy? I know what you’re thinking and no, I don’t work for the Gosling’s company. Just a fan of the drink as long as it’s made correctly. Thank you in advance for your attention to my silly question. Keep up the good work.

John says:
Hello John Clark,

I did check with the ship and I am so sorry but we don’t carry this brand. There are other dark rums we do carry which hopefully will make your Dark and Stormy (my first ever time I have heard of this drink) for you. Have a wonderful time, thanks for the kind words and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Wilma Brooks asked:
Good Afternoon John,

I am wondering how to sign up for the Bloggers Cruise. We had already booked before we knew it is a bloggers cruise. My husband and I would love to meet you. We will be on the Carnival Breeze January 13 – 19 with our daughter, her friend and my grandson. Just the two of us will be on Jan. 19-26. The second half of our cruise will be our 13th Carnival cruise and we have enjoyed every second of it!!!

Thanks so much,

Wilma Brooks

John says:
Hello Wilma Brooks,

This is fantastic news and I am honoured you want to be part of the Bloggers Cruise 6. We will be taking a registration here on the blog in or around October and will then start to provide you with details of what will happen. You will love this ship and when you register we will make sure your cruise is even more special. See you soon and thanks so much for your brilliant loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Ryan Lee asked:
Hey John:

I am curious – I was on Carnival.com looking at possible destinations for my next cruise I saw various destinations listed but some of the ones that are listed are ports that Carnival doesn’t
go to ports like Trinidad & Tobago or Cancun and Acapulco Mexico. My question is why is that? Are these just specialty ports? Hope all is well and have a wonderful day good sir.

John says:
Hello Ryan Lee,

That’s a good question that I will have to talk to the beards about. I get the feeling that it’s probably a map you’re looking at that lists all of the various ports in a particular region, including ones where Carnival doesn’t currently call. Like I said, I’ll check it out and let you know as you bring up a valid question.

Best wishes.

John

Susan Richmond asked:
Hi John,

Through our years of cruising, we’ve enjoyed purchasing items from Gifts & Services on carnival.com for friends and ourselves. Yes, we advertise for Carnival year round. :) The selection is very limited now so I’m hoping that means a new Gifts & Services program is in the works. Do you know if and when that will happen? We’ll be cruising the Carnival Dream for the third time in September (our 12th cruise).

Thanks!

John says:
Hello Susan Richmond,

Yes, indeed, a new site is forthcoming and, in fact, since you posted this question, new items have been added. There will be more each week or so until the new site is revealed. I will keep you informed and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you before you cruise again.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your lot for today.

Let’s take a break and meet yet another one of our fabulous cruise directors. This chap is simply one of our very best and one of the nicest chaps you will ever meet. Yep, it’s Todd.

Todd Wittmer – Cruise Director

Born – Philadelphia, PA.

Raised – Annapolis, MD.

Now Living – San Diego, CA.

Started with CCL - In May of 1999 as a Social Host. My first ship was the Holiday.

Started as Cruise Director - In May 2002. I received a full promotion in 2003.

Current ship - Carnival Splendor.

Fun Facts – I have been fortunate enough to work on 14 different Carnival ships and four start-up teams.

Favorite Activity – Deck Party/Ultimate Couples Challenge
Favorite Sport – Surfing, Golf
Favorite Sports to Watch - Football, Golf
Favorite Hobbies – Reading, Movies, Food
Favorite song – Anything I can sing along to or find meaning in.
Favorite color – Light Blue.
Favorite food – Sushi, Pizza, Mexican
Best time of the day - Sunset
Favorite animal – Dog
Favorite Place – Hawaii / San Diego (Home)!

Parting words – What a wonderful career Carnival has blessed me with. I have been awarded so many wonderful opportunities, close friends and priceless memories. This will be the ultimate chapter in my life and one that will always push me to continue to strive for my dreams. They do come true.

Todd is, as I said, one our very best CD’s and one that all our newly promoted cruise directors should aspire to be. Genuine, caring, funny and always around the ship, these are the factors that make Todd such a wonderful person and I congratulate him for all he has achieved.

So here we go with another cruise and, like last one, as you will now see, it’s a very international affair and here are the countries with the highest counts:

TOTAL GUESTS: 4,651

United States: 1,286
Canadian: 440
French Canadian: 161
Russian: 308
German: 94
Dutch: 102
Portuguese: 28
Japanese: 48
Spanish: 281
Australia: 41
Israel: 395
United Kingdom: 1,440
Mongolia: 1

GUESTS UNDER 18: 1,451

Having so many international guests does cause some concerns with communication but our brilliant crew really work very hard to make sure they all have a great time. Perhaps the one crew member who lets these international guests down is me……because I am so awful at other languages and, again, I think we should consider for these high counts an international CD as Costa Cruises has. And from a revenue perspective I am making three announcements a day about what’s happening on board and to many of the guests it must just sound like noise…… irritating noise at that I’m sure. There will be one more cruise on August 14 with high international counts and then we should return to a much higher percentage of American guests.

Language is indeed a funny old thing, isn’t it? I am a bit thick, as you know, but I can sort of understand how the world began with so many different languages. I mean, many thousands of years ago, before Uncle Google was invented, it was extremely unlikely that a tribe in deepest Botswana would come up with the same word for water as a load of Mexican Mayans.

But I am not intelligent enough to work out how English, which has been around since the Saxons were kicking the crap out of the French, has so many regional variations. And, more importantly, why those regional variations are still with us today, now that we all watch the same television programs whether we live in London, New York, Sydney, Atlanta, Toronto, Little Rock or Edinburgh. How did that happen, how did regional accents start? Any clue?

Anyway, I am sure that the guests will have a great time as they have done so far on this brilliant ship and the crew continues to be outstanding and I thank them for their continuing hard work. Let’s see where they and the guests will be sailing to this cruise.

  • Thu, Aug, 02 Barcelona 5am-5pm
  • Fri, Aug, 03 Marseilles 7am-4pm
  • Sat, Aug, 04 Livorno 7am-7pm
  • Sun, Aug, 05 Rome 7am-9pm
  • Mon, Aug, 06 Naples 7am-7pm
  • Tue, Aug, 07 at sea
  • Wed, Aug, 08 Dubrovnik 7am-7pm
  • Thu, Aug, 09 Venice arr @ 2pm
  • Fri, Aug, 10 Venice dep @ 7pm
  • Sat, Aug, 11 at sea
  • Sun, Aug, 12 Messina 7am-4pm
  • Mon, Aug, 13 at sea

Another wonderful itinerary and, as always, I wish you were here. Just one note about last cruise and that’s about the new seat saving policy we have in place here. This is well documented on my Facebook page but I have to say how fantastic it is and how wonderfully it was accepted by the guests last cruise. Today will be the first time we have implemented it for an entire cruise and then at the end of the voyage we will report back to the beards, tell them how it went and then we’ll evaluate our findings. I will let you know when I hear more about this. I was also astonished how the proper press, reporters like Gene Sloan of USA Today, picked this story up and wrote about it and I am honoured that the press who do, it appears, read the rubbish I write both here and on my Facebook page. I wonder if Gene writes his brilliant pieces like I do………in his underpants?

One last note about the seat saving (I hate the word chair hog, that seems to have been spawned over there) and that’s a thank you to you, yes you. I say that because the beards also read my Facebook page and this blog, yes, they do. From Gerry Cahill on down, they read my Facebook page and Carnival’s Facebook page and all our Carnival social media sites and from these pages they get an understanding of what you enjoy and what you want to see changed. And along with a bit of gentle prodding from me, they worked to get this hot topic changed so this is proof positive that Carnival’s social media sites are so important to you and to us and I thank all of you who read and comment on them.

A little while back, I wrote a blog about that book 50 Shades of Grey and bugger me I should contact the author and demand a percentage of their royalties. You have no idea how many guests this past cruise have told me they bought the book because of my blog. I am not kidding, there must have been a good dozen or so who were on the ship last cruise and had either downloaded or uploaded or indeed had gone to a ship and bought it. And not just those who were on board last cruise either. I have read comments here and on my Facebook page saying the same thing — “We bought the book because of you, John.” One lady called Amy bought all three in the series because of me and read them in just three weeks. Her husband, Peter, is now recovering from exhaustion and rope burns.

Anyway, I was talking to a blogger who sailed last cruise and she was telling me that you can now buy official 50 Shades of Grey clothes, art work, underpants, ties, lingerie, jewels, beauty products, bedding and home furnishings in the Fifty Shades of Grey brand. Oh, FFS! What a load of bollocks. Only women could take a book about rumpy pumpy and turn it into a shopping trip for some scented candles. Obviously men, we could never get away with this. Do you think Big Jugs magazine does a nice selection of men’s ties? No, of course not, and if we dare buy a tie that has a huge pair of knockers on it then our wives would strangle us with it. But then, what do I know? Kinky rumpy pumpy for me is keeping the light on and, besides, all this S&M stuff can’t be good for my Carpool Tunnel syndrome………can it?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. If it is something that's unrelated, please use the Ask John tab above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

78 Responses to A BLOG CONTAINING TODD, NAUGHTY WORDS AND SOME SMUT…..A PG 17 BLOG

  1. Irene says:

    At least Brad Birchall could have said “please and thank you”…John, why are you so nice to these impolite people?

    • Irene says:

      Sorry, that should read Birchill.

    • Pat Beauchamp says:

      He’s in customer service in a very public job. He MUST be nice to folks, whether or not they deserve it.

    • Jim Pogue says:

      Why does Brad “require” space and consideration. In my 3 cruises everytime I have requested something Carnival has been absolutely wonderful in meeting the request. Brad doesn’t deserve any special attention from Carnival or any of their representatives.
      They can request like civil people and I’m sure that the result would be exactly the same and I would not have a negative feeling toward someone who believes that they and their group should have special consideration.

  2. Rick Ellsmere says:

    John I notice that you separate Canadians from French Canadians for cruisers on board. The last time I checked Quebec hasn’t succeeded the country, so shouldn’t they be just counted as Canadians.

    La dernière fois que j’ai vérifié le Québec n’a pas réussi le pays, ne devrait donc pas qu’ils soient tout simplement compté en tant que Canadiens.

    • Kevin says:

      And to be fair, neither have large parts of New Brunswick, Ontario, or Manitoba seperated. Thinking about it further, I know many Anglophones from Quebec. So just how is that Francophone number counted anyway?

    • Veronica says:

      I was actually thinking the same thing..

    • Jim Pogue says:

      This question has been asked and answered previously. John keeps track of the French Canadians so that Carnival can meet their language needs with proper menus and Fun Times.

      • cruiser dave says:

        But the question has not been answered as to how you know who is French Canadian. They are scattered across Canada, though concentrated in Quebec. And not all Quebecers are French Canadian. In any event, they have not succeeded at seceding.

    • Irene says:

      I think John seperates them because in the past the French Canadians like their Fun Times etc translated into French

  3. Lorraine & Mom Susan says:

    Hiya John, just catching up on your blogs, love that the Brits are taking over this cruise…..any excuse to avoid that sport thing going on in London & get spoilt rotten at the same time.
    When I worked onboard & became ill the medical team treated me so well & I cant fault or thank their professional treatment enough. My last ever contract on the original Love Boat (Pacific Princess) my appendix decided to give out, I received the best medical attention Ive ever received. Wish I was cruising with you right now
    Love to your girls
    Lorraine & Mom Susan xxx

  4. Joanne says:

    LOL as a 50 something woman, let me tell you that we too had the pleasure of ***me shoes in our day, but their meaning was a little more accurate. Let me just say, you wouldn’t see anyone walking in them….they were for one purpose only……hence the name. Afterall, who in their right mind would ‘walk’ in them? Love your blog…We had the pleasure of sailing with Todd last year. We will be on the Splendor this Dec 16….I’m guessing Todd will be once again, a pleasant part of our cruise!! Have a great day!

  5. JTC says:

    What a RUDE and UnGrateful CC Member that made a Demand for the Piano Bar complete with Snacks and Staff without So Much as a Please or Thank you. JH don’t give them anything but a room in the back of the ship and double their Gratuities. WHY DO CC Members Like “Brad Chruchill” think they don’t need to say/write Thank You or Please. BRAD it’s members like you that give Cruise Critics a bad reputation.

  6. Julie Rabe says:

    John, why to the cruise critic people contact you for their on board get together? They must certainly have booked this as a group and as such will have a group coordinator that will work with the ship to reserve the time and place required. Since CCL has trained people that are paid to do this I can only assume they want you to know the numbers they have achieved. I am certain they are lovely people-but the tone of the request sounds more like a demand and comes off as arrogant.
    Maybe you could direct them back to their coordinator that is in a better position to accommodate them.

  7. Rick says:

    The first part really had me laughing, really only one Mongolian?

  8. Val says:

    Gimmee , Gimmee , I want, I need…… Can’t anyone say please these days when asking for a favor? ::: stepping off my soapbox:::: I’m feeling better now.

  9. Stacy B cruising in October says:

    WILL someone please expleain what FFS means.

  10. Debbie Spring says:

    Hi John,

    I just had to comment when I read about the “twisted testicles”. Many years ago when my husband was in the U.S. Army he was afflicted with this very same ailment.

    Much like Carnival’s policy, the soldiers go on sick call and see a medic who decides if they work, go the hospital, etc.

    When hubby went to sick call the doctor, who was not thrilled about having to deal with questions about the meat and potatoes, told him to go home lunch and “work it out.”

    Well, I’m the obliging kind so that’s just what happened. Within hours I got call to meet him at the hospital because he was in so much pain he could not walk.

    After arriving at the hospital I was shown an x-ray of said twisted testicles which appeared to be about size of a watermelon!

    I’m not sure if your crew member explain to you exactly how they untwist them (I’ll spare your readers the agony)…but trust me I’m pretty he was in more pain that I was giving birth (but don’t tell him I said that). Funny now (to me anyway), but not so much then.

    No questions, just wanted to thank you for bringing back a long lost memory!

    I love following your blog and hope to meet you in the future…wish you were going to be the CD on the Liberty 10/13/12…

    Thanks for the smile!

  11. Robin from the Midwest says:

    Hey, Brad Burchill, do you have any manners whatsoever? You will “need” private rooms and private party signs, and bar snacks, and preferably the piano bar, on three separate occasions? And you can’t even be bothered to write “please” and “thank you”? Wow.

    It’s people like you who give Cruise Critic members (including me) and Americans in general bad names.

    • Julie says:

      Not even “need” which sounds marginally better. But REQUIRE. What a jerk! Who “requires” bar snacks? And Carnival doesn’t have snacks in the bars. Just another reason that I would never attend one of those Meet and Greets.

    • Steve says:

      True, because of people like Brad I’m sometimes embarrassed to say I’m a CC member.

  12. Nadine says:

    Thank you so much for the “seat saving” policy that is being enforced. I am very much looking forward to having a chance to find a lounger in a reasonable area. I hope it is extended to Serenity areas as well as the Lido pool area.

    Thank you for putting the spotlight on Todd Wittmer, one of my very favorite Cruise Directors. I am hoping to cruise on the Splendor soon.

    Thank you for your attention to Carnival Cruisers and our input and requests and concerns here and on the Facebook page.

    I must say that this is the funniest posting I’ve read here or anywhere in a long, long time. And yes, most women know what those shoes are called, but I had no idea that tight pants caused a medical condition…..

  13. Dave Myerly says:

    John,
    I echo the request by John Clark asking that Carnival stock and make available Goslings Bermuda dark Rum AND the Bermuda brand GINGER BEER. I inquired about this from the Miami Food and Beverage person on board on the Breeze as well as the Food & Beverage Manager on the Carnival Dream last year. I was told they would look into it. I guess nothing was done or whatever was done was not shared with anyone.
    Dark and Stormies is a great drink BUT you need both the proper Dark Rum and Ginger Beer to make it.
    Please get this aboard for us and you can get rid of the horrible COKE stuff and bring on PEPSI drinks.

    • Rick Williamson says:

      I have seen this about owning Carnival stock before. What do you get if you are a stock holder and are on a cruise? When do you let Carnival know this? When signing up for a cruise? Or as you are getting on board. What profe do you need? Thank you

      • Cruisin'Lovebirds says:

        The shareholder OBC is for cruisers with 100 shares or more in Carnival stock. You print your brokerage statement, block out the personal account info, and scan it so you can email it to Carnival a few weeks before your trip. See FAQs on Carnival website.

    • Jodi says:

      oh John, please don’t throw Coke over board! Sorry Dave but there’s just three things I like to drink, Coke Zero, a good Margarita on the rocks and Bud Light with Lime. If they throw Coke over board I’d have a hard time staying sober don’t you think?

  14. Faye Murray says:

    John, we were on the June 15th sailing of the Breeze – what a wonderful cruise we had! Thank you and Calvin for all you do. Hubby and I enjoyed the Italian Restaurant three times on this cruise and I am looking for the recipe for Nona’s meatballs and sauce – is this something you can help me with? I have never had such enjoyable meatballs! Thank you!

  15. Erin says:

    Can’t wait for BC6!!!

    And I’m so happy about not having to worry about the chair hog thing. I was worried this would be a breeding ground for confrontation from all the horror stories I’ve read, so this is awesome news. Thank you, and thank you beards!

    And I’m bringing 50 Shades of Grey. It had been my plan to prior to the mention in the blog, but now I know I HAVE to. All my girlfriends have been reading it and whenever they start reading it, I don’t see them for a few days. :P

  16. Kathleen Koehler says:

    When a letter is written to the Carnival Head office, is it actually read? I wrote recently and commented about our recent Legend cruise-It was the best one yet! The comment cards were nice but some of the crew were so wonderful to us I decided to write a personal letter, telling of all the special things they did for us. I do not expect an answer, just wondering…

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

      I can only speak from personal experience….

      my letter (was about a Legend cruise as well) was indeed read.

      It was a PERFECT cruise in 2008 and I did not feel like a comment card gave it justice.

      So I wrote a letter praising those involved.

      I know it was read, because I got a letter back from Mr Cahill…

  17. @John Clark,
    A proper Dark and Stormy should be prepared with Bundaberg rum in my opinion! LOL, Dark and Stormy is one of my favorites…. you will not find ginger beer onboard either. If you can, get to a World Market and purchase genuine Bundaberg Ginger Beer… before you board.

  18. John richter says:

    John,
    I have to give you props for dealing nicely with that rude cruise critic member who couldn’t even say please or thank in his list of demands.

  19. Susie Van Diver says:

    Great blog today John. I must agree with you though on those nasty heels. I would break my neck if I tried to wear them. And you don’t need them to get a little rumpy pumpy.

  20. Julie Gregory says:

    John, I am on the TransAtlantic Breeze 11/06 and our group doesn’t know who Brad Burchill is. But we do know that we did not ask him to work on C.C. Meet and Greets infact those are not even the dates that our group has decided on. We are planning one informal where we purchase drinks from bar- Person in charge is named Carol. We are also trying to set up Pre-paid cocktail hour and the person in Charge is Carmen. Heck we haven’t even taken a headcount yet for the 2 meet & greet’s. Something stinks to high heaven! On behalf of our group we want to say we are sorry for this persons behavior, and we appreciate all the questions you have so nicely answered. Julie G

    • Janey-OKGIRL says:

      I suspect that Brad is one of those trolls who posts outrageous demands just to stir up trouble. Then sits back laughing while the focus of the comment section is on his post rather than John’s blog. We really need to learn to ignore his kind.

      John, Thanks for the profile on Todd. He is one of my favorite CDs. I’ve sailed with him a couple of times and he is really full of energy, and keeps so involved in all the goings on…….

    • Jim Pogue says:

      Thanks so much for your words of kindness and you help me have a better opinion of Cruise Critic. I am a member there but really only lurk.
      Thanks again.

  21. Mike Carter says:

    It appears Brad is going through life without manners. No where in his “request” does he use those common words (uncommon to him) please and thank-you. Just a loser at life.

  22. Scott says:

    Hi John,

    We’re sailing on the Carnival Dream in 51 days. Do you know what Funship 2.0 enhancements will be add during the September dry dock.

    Thanks,

    Scott

    • Janey-OKGIRL says:

      The Dream is scheduled for 2.0 upgrades during it’s dry dock (Sept. 8-22). They include:

      Red Frog Rum Bar
      Blue Iguana Tequila Bar
      Punchliners Comedy Club
      DJ IRIE

  23. Bunbun says:

    Brad Birchill sounds like the worst of the worst trolls. But I believe you realized that, didn’t you John!
    GREAT and Brilliant blog!

  24. Phoenix says:

    Amazing how once again everyone has fallen for the fake Cruise Critic post.

    There is no such individual on our roll call.

    • Bill Heck says:

      Actually it is not amazing. How does anyone know who represents a Cruise Critic Roll Call? Cruise Critic will not authorize anyone to arrange meet and greets with the cruise line. This fellow is just setting up a cruise critic meet and greet. There is no way for Carnival, or the readers of this blog to know who is genuine, because no one is.

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

      John has confirmed that this rude individual is indeed on your cruise.

      Perhaps there is a second group going that did not join your roll call???

      But sadly this inconsiderate jerk will be on your cruise.

  25. Bob says:

    Sure are lots of “manners police” out and about today griping about someone not saying please and thank you. Can’t you just accept that not everyone does things so “eloquently” as you without clogging the blog without a bunch of bs comments? Reading all those replies is far worse than reading what that guy said. I do think the reference to Cruise Critic is a legitimate reason to ignore the request though. You are just a group, period. What makes you think you are entitled to anything more than if someone comes and says they are a group of elephant dung researchers and want what you want. Would that make a difference to you?

  26. Ian F says:

    Heard the phrase from my first wife but it was ‘Follow me, **** me shoes”

  27. Danno says:

    John- We will have 5 couples of brothers and cousins on the Conquest Jan 13th. We demand nothing. We can buy our own drinks and we will say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I may need a ‘do not disturb’ sign for the cabin door in case in case the Mrs. finishes book 3 of the 50 shades series…

  28. Jackie Blackman says:

    Hi John, sorry I know this isn’t a response to your post but I wasn’t sure where else to add this so you saw it.

    My daughter and I, along with her 20 month old son, will be travelling on the Breeze on 14 aug, so we are sorry not to get the chance to meet you. But I hope the surgery goes well.

    I have a query though – When we booked there was no mention that my grandson would not be able to use the pool, which is something I have subsequently seen on the website and yesterday when I was watching a video about the ship, I saw a notice that said toddlers could not go to the thrill theatre. I also had a pretty abrupt email from someone at the Steak House when I asked about having a highchair, which said that they did not recommend the steakhouse for small children. So I am now worried that there will be nothing for him to do and wondered what might be available for him? I realise that ideally we wouldn’t have taken him on a cruise for at least a couple of years, but this is the first time I have been able to have a holiday for 8 years and wanted to do something special. Many thanks

  29. Karen Chabot says:

    Hi John, I look forward to reading your blogs, you always make me laugh! I just wanted to let John Clark know that here in Ontario, you can buy Goslings rum at the liquor stores. So maybe it’s stocked in the liquor stores near him. Dark n Stormy is a rum and ginger beer concoction that is Bermuda’s signature drink.

  30. Marry Ramirez says:

    My family and I returned from our 5th Carnival cruise, we have only sailed with Carnival. We sailed for the 2nd time on the Carnival Splendor. We really enjoyed Todd W. I usually am not one to care a whole lot about who the cruise director is. We are little more sedate then the average party person, but we enjoy watching the activities. We especially enjoyed the “Couples Challenge” and I could tell Todd W really enjoyed hosting it, which made it that much better.

  31. Ken Murray says:

    Greetings John!

    My wife and I are not first time cruisers, however we’ll be sailing on the Breeze for our first Carnival cruise on December 30. We’re excited to spend some time on the Breeze and to experience the Carnival way of cruising! Hope to see you on board! All the best.

  32. Marsha says:

    Hi John,

    I just have a quick question…only out of curiousity. When listing the variuous natioanlities on board ship, why do you differentiate with Canadians and French Canadians…
    Enquiring minds would like to know. :>)
    Keep doing what you are doing… :>)
    Wish I was there….

  33. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear John,
    I too wear the ****me shoes. But they just happen to be any pair that I am wearing. The difference between men and women.
    The Cruzin2some

  34. Joleen says:

    **** me socks?
    You’ve out done yourself once again John.
    I laughed til i peed and then I laughed some more.
    I do so LOVE your blog.
    Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

  35. David Raila says:

    Hi John, My wife and I are also thinking about cruising out of Dover. Probably the July 15, 2013 cruise so we will be looking forward to your posting about transfers and hotels. We will be flying in a day or so early so as to see some London. Thanks!!!

  36. Rose says:

    So John guess what I bought today. Two pairs of your favorite shoes (****me) for my cruises this fall. I thought of you when I tried them on.
    on another subject I own Carnival stock and wondered how much you have to own to get a shareholders discount &how do you go about getting it

  37. Teddy Gautsch says:

    Joshua seriously just because you state carnival is Jewish owned you insist they accommodate specifically to a Jewish holiday? I would imagine carnival should accommodate everyone else on top of that or are you just concerned about yourself? Stay home!

  38. Don says:

    I am so sick of Cruise Critic members feeling they are entitled to things. Can you please just ask nicely rather than saying We Will Need when you ask for free favors?

    • Don says:

      God forbid someone wander in on your “Private Party” for which you paid nothing and just expected an extra service from Carnival. You forgot to say that you will not be needing air fresheners in your cabin bathrooms as your ____ doesn’t stink!

  39. David Stern says:

    John,
    What on board credit does one get for owning Carnival stock? And how many shares does one need to own? Having gone on 16 cruises to date, I should probably look into this.

    • Rick Williamson says:

      David, it would be nice if someone would anwser our questions about being a stock of Carnival stock wouldn’t it.

    • Tx Lady Di says:

      Re: CCL Stock Owners

      I’m no expert. But I’ll give you some basics. Cruisers who own at leat 100 shares of Carnival stock get an OBC for each sailing. The amount of OBC is based upon the number of days for the cruise. You must submit the information, with your latest stock statement proving you own the stock. You submit the information at least a month before sailing so they have time to process and apply your OBC. You may get more specific information by going to Carnival’s website and doing a search.

    • james mcclellan says:

      check the website, if i am corrrect, 100 shares get you an on obc

  40. Nicole Novesky says:

    John,

    I’m so glad you posted about stock in your blog! My wife and I are loyal Carnival cruisers (can’t wait for our cruise on the Breeze in December!); We even have the Carnival Credit Card! I’m always investing in some sort of stock with my 401K, but CCL stock had never occurred to me! What better way to show my loyalty and commitment to Carnival? After some stock trades tomorrow we will be proud owners of more than 100 shares!

    Looking forward to cruising with you soon,
    Nicole Novesky

  41. Patty Martin says:

    OMG yer killen me..Yer soo freakin funny!

  42. Mike says:

    Hi John,

    First I’d like to say I enjoy reading your blog (when I find time) & I’m a huge fan of Carnival. All of my best vacations have been with Carnival to date.

    That said the web site is horrible and has been for many months. My father and I often vacation together and we have been on the same cruises. His profile has all the past cruises while mine are all missing. I’ve emailed a few times and called once; now my online account won’t allow me to login anymore.

    Next under my fathers still functioning account when ever I click to do the online check in; either the “My Cruise Manager” page is refreshed or I end up on this page (like when I click from cruise details page). When I called support for this she just kept saying no one has reported this; well I’m someone. I ended up being transfered back to the call menu where I hung up.

    At this point I’m kind of tied of calling and emailing (seems like a waste of my time). I understand you’ve probably been hit pretty hard with all the bugs these recent changes have caused, but I’m really stuck and can’t afford to keep calling with a zero resolution result.

    It feels like the site has gotten a lot worse over the last year at least functionally it has. I suppose because I’m a developer of corporate web sites I find this more bothersome than perhaps the average bear.

    Thanks for your time and reading my rant. I’m looking forward to my cruise. Thank-you,

    Mike

  43. Yolanda Honaker says:

    Hi John…
    I am so very sorry to learn about your up coming surgery for carpel tunnel. If it is any help I had the surgery Sept 5, 2001.. you may wonder why I remember that date.. will the following week 9/11 occured and I spent the rest of my recovery time glue to the tv, crying my eyes out! Just wanted to let you know that having the surgery has been one of the smartest descions I have done. I have never regretted it and have not had any problems with carpel tunnel since then.. So I will be thinking of you on Aug 16th and sending you healing thoughts. I also wanted to write you and let you know HOW EXCITED I AM! Carnival must have placed a listening device in our home because just the other day my hubby and I were discussing how wonderful it would be if Carnival had a cruise in Europe starting in England and going to all the places you listed… You must have been listening… ok confess… where is the listening device..lol.. We probably will not be able to do that cruise in 2013 since we have our 9th Carnival Cruise book aboard the Valor in 23days, Sept1 and then we have our 10th cruise where we will be Platumin members (finally) on Feb 4,2013 which is a Transatlantic aboard the Destiny… can not wait to see Spain and Italy!
    Again I hope your Carpal Tunnel surgery is as sucessful as mine was .. and that you are up quickly chasing Heidi around the house as she is wearing “those” shoes…

  44. Elizabeth says:

    We cruised with Todd last year. He was great!

  45. kristin says:

    Have the ships ever stayed in port overnight? We went to Cozumel and would have loved another day there. Is there a reason they can’t spend the night in one port and let guests have 2 days? Thanks and hoping to cruise again soon!!

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