Want to see how a creamy pastry got me in trouble? Then read on.

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Saturday, May 18, 2013 2:44 PM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Subject: **** – comments made by CD

 

Hi John,

Mr. _______ asked that you contact him, John. He was at your travel talk this morning, John, and was unhappy to hear a joke you made about the Mafia in Italy. Guest is of American/Italian family and would like you to speak with him. Thank you and kind regards.

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines (more…)

 So there I was, chatting with a stunning girl from Latvia with huge breasts………hers, not mine, of course. She seems keen on getting together with me but says she can’t fly to join me on the Carnival Legend unless I send some money for the ticket. So I do. And then, shock horror, I never hear from her again. Obviously, this is not a true story. Honestly Heidi, it isn’t……..well, most of it anyway. But I write this because it does happen and yet very few people will ever report it. “Hello, Mr Police Officer, I’m a 48-year-old fat and ugly cruise director. My teeth are bent, my hair is grey and I’ve been ripped off by a stunningly sexy Latvian who said she found me attractive and wanted to fly to the Carnival Legend and act out chapter five of 50 Shades of Grey with me………in a lifeboat.” (more…)

Since I returned from Russia last week, I have had a cold. It was inevitable that I would get one because it was -12C outside and Boris the driver that was taking me around had the car heater set at 1,200C and I was in and out of the car all day long for four straight days. My nose is so clogged I am thinking of hiring Bruce Willis and the team from that Armageddon movie to build a tunnel up my nose and drill a hole. (more…)

As you know, I do not drink and ever since I was as a young cruise director back in 1827 on the Carnival Fantasy who had enjoyed a few too many cognacs and couldn’t remember how he got through a man overboard rescue operation………..alcohol has never touched my lips. (more…)

Social media can be a minefield that, if you are not careful, will blow your bollocks off. For many people, sites like Facebook are all about simply finding someone you had rumpy pumpy with 10 years ago and contacting her asking if there is a chance that you do so again. (more…)

So here I am with the first blog of 2013 and as you will read shortly it’s business as usual with some news, lots of juvenile humour from yours truly and the Q&A session which I am sure for many of you is your favourite part. I did give a massive dollop of consideration to not answering questions on the blog anymore as I answer three billion a day on Facebook but as not everyone has Facebook and because it has always been part of the makeup of the blog thingy I shall indeed continue to sit here in my underpants and answer 10 per blog. (more…)

One of the beards wrote me an email last night from his eye pad. It was 11:20 pm and he told me he was writing it from in bed while his wife lay next to him asleep. Oh, FFS, get a life. What a sad bastard he must be I thought, lying in bed writing emails. But then I realised what an idiot I was because I was reading his email on my blackberry in my underpants with my legs planted firmly under the Intercontinentahyattarriot’s duvet. I then realised that I do this all the time whether I am on a ship, hotel or at home and I do it quite a lot! This is probably not a good thing and will probably mean that I will have less rumpy pumpy than a Benedictine monk. Anyway, it’s now Sunday evening, 11:45pm and I am writing this piece of today’s blog from my bed in my underpants with my laptop resting on my beach ball of a belly. (more…)

During the CD conference last week on Carnival Breeze we spoke about our commitment to help raise money for St Jude Children’s Research Hospital and their continuing fight to find a cure for childhood cancer. Our objective is to raise $3 million and thanks to you we are well on our way to reaching that goal.

The Groove For St. Jude event is going to be revitalised thanks to some brilliant ideas from the cruise directors and I will be more specific about how this will work in the weeks ahead but look out for news on this at the start of January 2013. There were many great ideas from the CDs and some not so great ideas including one that only I seemed to want to reject. Yep, I was the only negative voice in a sea of positives and while I would do almost anything to help this brilliant organisation there is one thing I will not do……nope………I won’t do what one of the metrosexual, good looking, thin, well groomed bastard of a cruise director suggested……. and that’s a calendar of the cruise directors in different “poses.” (more…)

It’s strange to think that I won’t be a cruise director for a few months after spending seven months in the chair on the Carnival Breeze. I won’t be the CD for BC6, although I will be hosting a Marriage Show and Calvyn and I will host live morning shows for the audience to enjoy. It never gets easier being an older cruise director and especially during the conference last week when I was surrounded by youth and vitality and more hair product than a sodding beauty salon …………..and that’s just the male CDs. (more…)

I had originally written the start of today’s blog yesterday. It was a piece about my thoughts on how some of the cruise directors I had spent the last few days and how they dressed, spoke and groomed their dangly bits with scissors and weed whackers and how that made me feel old. But after my experience this morning I decided to press delete on that and tell you about something else that happened to me. As you know, been travelling between Antigua and Miami and then Miami back to the Carnival Breeze and then back here to my room at the Interhyattarriot. During this time, I have worn my beloved blue blazer and my grey dress pants which after examination yesterday, I realised needed a serious bit of dry cleaning especially as I had spilled some fried onion that had dropped out of my sensational SeaDogs hot dog and onto my crotch.

(more…)