John Is A Sexist Pig……….. Part 2

August 19, 2014 -

John Heald -

41 Comments

For those who stumbled across my blog by accident while surfing Uncle Google for “I Love Big Fat British Guys Who Blog in a Pair of XXXL Underpants”………..I had better explain the title of today’s musings. (more…)

What’s In Your Wallet?

August 15, 2014 -

John Heald -

35 Comments

It’s hard to think about hurricane season when you are in Alaska and sailing through fjords with lagoon-like waters. Two weeks ago, though, I was talking about hurricanes and storms with one of our newly promoted cruise directors whose bio will be featured in a forthcoming blog. He told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Bertha, which, by the way, was named after one of my Great Aunties who would kiss me on the lips every Christmas before handing me my present that I knew would be a pair of socks. Anyway, back to the young CD I was talking to on the phone and who had called for some advice from me. Oh, by the way……….he called me “Godfather” which resulted in me calling him a wanker. Do you know, when I started with Carnival this young, good-looking, newly promoted CD was only five years old ……………what a total bastard. Godfather, my arse. (more…)

Pirates used to be fun with their wooden legs and shoulder-based parrots and cries of “shiver me timbers.” Say the word “pirate” and you and I see a salty sea dog with gunpowder smoldering in his beard. They would all wear long black or red coats and have a patch over one eye… unless, of course, they were really stupid pirates and have patches over both eyes… sorry…. old cruise ship joke. (more…)

In the old days every crew member from the captain on down were paid in cash. Every two weeks we would go down to stand in line at the paymaster’s office and get our envelopes with our salaries in it. Usually my contained loads of $1 bills, I think the paymaster must have thought I had a lap dancing fetish — and if I find out who told him I will use a blow torch on their nipples. (more…)

TIPS ON BEING A DEEJAY

August 1, 2014 -

John Heald -

33 Comments

One of the hardest jobs on the ship, as far as pleasing you, our guests, is that of the disc jockey – or DJ – to give them their MTV-style title. To many, they stand behind a record player or, these days, something with a picture of an Apple on it, wear ludicrously large headphones with one side on the ear and the other not, nodding their head to the beat while “mixing” the latest tunes.  Top DJs like Dutchman Arnie Van Something and The Miami Heat’s own DJ Irie are not just DJ’s, they are stars and people pay lots of money to hire them and they, in turn, get lots of money and lashings of rumpy pumpy. DJ Irie is the professor of cool, master of his trade and, despite, I am sure, shoving a cucumber down the front of his pants before each gig ……..Irie is one of the very best DJs – not to mention one of the nicest guys – around.  That’s why we went to him to train our DJ’s and he has done a brilliant job in doing so, but, I still say that our ship DJs have one of the toughest jobs on the ship trying to make everyone happy. We have a brilliant young lady here called DJ Electra, strange name for her Mum to christen her but I guess moments after giving birth, Mum realised her daughter was destined to spin the discs, so that’s what she called her. She is wonderful and, as I said, she has a very tough job. (more…)

This is the longest contract I completed as cruise director without a break for some years, not to mention, it is the longest time I have been away from my family, ever, so I must admit I am finding it hard. I was really hoping that Heidi and Kye would come to Alaska but that is now not going to happen. That’s because of our two Mums. I can’t say any more than that at the moment except to say that Heidi is needed in England and Holland and needed by the two ladies who brought us into this world and, right now, need her. I am, of course, racked with guilt and miss them all so very much. Maybe I will write more about this in the days ahead but today is not the time. Kye was looking forward to seeing where “Elsa and Anna” live and for those who have been living in a cave or an Amish community, they are the characters from the movie Frozen. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Get help, gouge your own eyes out with a toothpick, do whatever you have to avoid seeing it. Heidi just wanted a break, somewhere to relax and enjoy the service and fun that you all enjoy plus, of course, for us to be a family again. Pausing here because it appears something has flown into my eyes making them water. OK, I am back. (more…)

‘SHIP LIFE’

July 22, 2014 -

John Heald -

67 Comments

My regular cabin steward and friend, Ketut, is currently on vacation but in reality he is in rehab for spending the last three months having to wash my underpants……….by hand. His replacement is Ariel from the Philippines. He really is a wonderful guy, full of life and always sings when he is cleaning my cabin. A few days ago, I noticed he wasn’t singing. I asked him why?  Life on a ship can be lonely, very lonely and sometimes the crew tends to keep their troubles to themselves or is too busy in their work to find time to talk about what’s on their mind. They are encouraged to always to talk to someone whether it is their department head or someone from our human resources department but the fact is many do not………It’s hard to explain why….it’s just ship life. (more…)

Bar Fight!

July 18, 2014 -

John Heald -

60 Comments

On the last day of each cruise, I hold a Behind the Scenes Q&A. This where I give the audience the microphone and they can ask any question they want and, as senior cruise director and brand ambassador, I try and give the answers and have fun doing so. Each week I am guaranteed that four questions will always be asked and, 99% of the time, I am right. Those questions are: (more…)

Song of America

July 8, 2014 -

John Heald -

199 Comments

It was an awful start to our day in Seattle for me and far more awful for the person that at 7 am this morning, just like it happens on land-side jobs each and every day, I had to tell was no longer employed by Carnival Cruise Lines. This is really the part of my job that I absolutely detest.  Now, obviously, I cannot go into detail but I can tell you that this person has had plenty of chances, probably more than he deserved, and I was determined to change this person……but I failed. When you relieve a person from a job on land, they pack a box, call a cab and go home. On a ship, it’s very different. You have to pack, not a box, but one or two suitcases and you don’t hop in a cab….. you have to fly home… sometimes and in this case……a flight which will last this person many hours. That’s a sodding long time to reflect on what’s transpired. (more…)

The Winter Olympics are well under way and it has been the ice hockey that has been the most watched on the Carnival Sunshine’s Lido Seaside Theater big screen. Interestingly, it has been the Canadian guests who seem to be the most patriotic. There are not many of them here, only 181 out of over 3,000 guests but those 181 are all wearing the maple leaf shirts and are extremely patriotic, it seems. (more…)

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