It seems that nothing short of their baseball team makes a Philadelphian more proud than a Philly cheese steak and being inquisitive and being fat and because I am staying in a hotel that is as manly as Calvyn’s underpants and serves hummus and drizzled peacock for dinner, I have taken it upon myself to try as many of these buggers as I can. Its guess it’s not a complicated thing to make. It’s a long stick of bread filled with slices of what my Mum would call beef brisket. You then add loads of cheese and if you don’t mind an arse like a chewed orange the next morning ……loads and loads and loads of onions.

Now it’s not the sandwich itself that people argue about but it is who serves the best. Indeed I asked this question on my Facebook page a few days ago and it caused much fervent discussion. The two names that kept coming up were Pat’s and Geno’s and so I went to both, purely for research purposes you understand.

I thought these two establishments would be…..well…….lavish and as trendy as the glowing blue toilet in my hotel room. Not! They are two very basic establishments that have been facing off against each other like two Wild West gunfighters since the 1960s. A local Phiilyperson told me that they stay open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to make sure that one doesn’t sell more calorie-bursting, greasy, and tasty sandwiches than the other. I felt that it was required, as my role Carnival’s Brand Ambassador, to be diplomatic and visit both. One of the people who run the Scenery First operation here in Philadelphia told me that I had to do the “Philly lean” which is where you try to position your body so it’s clear of any bits of beef, cheese or onions dripping on your shirt and that walking around with a cheese steak stain on your shirt was considered by the locals as taboo as walking around with your gentleman’s sausage hanging out.

So which one was best? Well considering both Pat and Geno’s may be owned by Irish and Italian …. ummmmm……“families”…….I have no intention of saying. I don’t want to wake up with a horse’s head in my bed and a cheese steak sandwich with extra onions shoved up my bottom. So I will say ……..they were both brilliant but I wonder if Guy Fieri could make an even better one?

Time for today’s Q and A……away we go.

Terri Kerr asked:

I heard that Kevin Fowler would be doing a theme cruise in August of 2012. Is this true?

John says:
Hello Terri Karr,

Yes he is mate. Click here for information on it.

Best wishes and yeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!!

John

John Byrd asked:

We have cruised with carnival once or twice in the past few years until we received the PLATINUM VIP level. We just got off of the Carnival Conquest Nov. 12. This was the worst ever of getting off of a ship. They told us at the guest service desk that we could leave bags outside of rooms and that we would get off early and with no problems. Well we were the second people to get off and then waited over an hour and a half to get bags. This is not the way I think Carnival would want the general public to know how they treat their VIP guest. We feel like that we should have been told we would have to stand and wait on bags if we did not carry them off with us. This may have been our last trip with Carnival. Nobody would put their bags out knowing they would have wait on them and stand in line and watch all of the ships passengers unload before you. I would like to know how you feel about this.

THANKS…

John says:
Hello John Byrd,

I am very sorry this happened, I really am. We do give very specific instructions on the TV and in writing that the self assist guests go first and then Platinum and VIP guests who have left their own luggage outside their cabins will leave after the self assist guests. I think there may have been some misunderstanding and that we need to make this far clearer than we did on the ship. I can only apologise for this and hope that you will look back at what fun you had and despite this last concern that we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Luke Pizzaro asked:

I am not one of your cheerleaders nor will I ever be but I do need a favor from you as it seems the norm for people to beg. So under the premise if you can’t beat them join them can I have a gift for me and my wife. We sail on the Carnival Magic on 2.3.12 in cabin 7319. It’s our 12th wedding anniversary

John says:
Hello Luke Pizzaro,

I will be there with you on the ship as CD and I will be very happy to send you something to wish you a great cruise and a very happy anniversary.

Best wishes.

John

Sutile asked:

I’m cruising on the Carnival Miracle on Feb. 6 and would like to know who the comedians will be. We cruised on Fantasy last year and both comedians were the worst we have ever seen on our two cruises with you guys and we are hoping that this time the comedians will at least be funny. The comedians only talked about sex and used the F-bomb all the time. Who is it this time?

John says:
Hello Sutile,

I am very sorry to know you did not appreciate the comedians last time you sailed although I think I should point out that the shows you described were from the uncensored adult show that is well advertised as such. This time you have some great comedians including two of our very best in Eddie Capone and Percy Crews who will feature family and adult shows at the Punchliner comedy club. I hope you enjoy their shows and that you have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Angie and Neil Thorla asked:
John,

We recently completed our cruise on the Carnival Dream – number 16 with Carnival. After this many cruises, we did not expect to find anything to really impress us. We were wrong. CD Kirk and ACD Jaime were fantastic. Their morning show was better than Regis and Kelly, and we know how much you admire Regis! On many past cruises, the CD’s appeared to be reading from the same Carnival script. While Kirk basically followed the script, his delivery was natural and appeared unscripted. Kirk was probably not at the top of his game due to pain from a recent shoulder injury, but being the veteran he is, it did not show. (You need to pay closer attention to the captain’s daily safety message Kirk.)

We just can’t say enough about Jaime. If we were not aware that Kirk and Jaime operate as a team, we would be baffled as to why she still has the word “assistant” in her title. Jaime is one of the unique individuals like you, John, who derives great pleasure in helping others find enjoyment. We had three occasions to have brief conversations with her. While we’re sure that she had more pressing things to do, she made us feel as if talking with us was the most important item on her agenda. If you ever need an Assistant Brand Ambassador, Jaime is the perfect candidate.

We are a couple of old fogies who are skeptical of FB, so we do not know how to contact Kirk and Jaime. Would you please pass this on to them to let them know that their good work is recognized and appreciated?

Best regards,

Angie and Neil Thorla

John says:
Hello Angie and Neil Thorla,

What a brilliant post and thanks so much for taking the time to write. I know that Facebook is not for everyone which is why I think it’s vital that I keep lines of communication open here on the blog. Jamie and Kirk are brilliant and you described them perfectly and we know what a huge asset both are to Carnival. I will be passing on your thanks to them and also let the beards see this as well. I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Oladapo Ayodele asked:
Hi John,

I hope you are well. My name is Dapo. I’m a fourth year university student from Canada. I have a specific question for you. Before I ask, I will like to tell you a little bit of by situation. I am majoring in biological sciences at the University of Lightbridge. I will be writing the MCAT next summer as I intend to apply to medical school next summer. Starting in January, I intend to take a few months off school so I can work and study for my MCAT. I am thinking of applying to a Carnival Cruise Lines. Since I know you are the “king” player in this game. I would like to know what you think about this. I don’t know if working on a cruise ship is what will benefit me. You might be asking yourself why I am taking time off school. It’s because if I stay in school and graduate in May, I will have nothing to do until September 2013 when I get into med-school. I want to defer my graduation from May 2012 till May 2013. I want to be fresh for med-school if I get accepted in 2013. I would like to know what you think about this please. Secondly, I have not worked a lot in the hospitality field. I have worked various jobs during the summers. I have worked in positions ranging from housekeeping to construction to sales etc. If I decide to work on a cruise line, are there positions where I will have time (a few hours) a day to myself to study. Please let me know what you think. I need to make decisions as soon as possible.

Have a Good Day.

John says:
Hello Oladapo Ayodele,

I wanted to wish you much success in your continuing education and your career path. While we don’t offer an intern program I do encourage you to check our www.cclcareers.com and see if there is anything there you can see yourself doing. I hope there is.

Best wishes.

John

Jen Reynolds asked:
Hi John,

My parents, three children and I just returned from cruising on the Carnival Victory to celebrate my daughter’s 16th birthday. This was what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go, having been on the same cruise in March 2010. For my parents, it was their first experience cruising, and I have to say, we had a fantastic time! Our wait staff and bar waitress in the Atlantic Dining room were phenomenal. My four-year old also cruised with us and the wait staff and hostesses treated her like a princess, which she loved! They made napkin bunnies, lobsters, and swans, and brought her extra French fries every night. The one night we didn’t go to dinner because she was very cranky, they commented on how much they missed us the next night. And if we saw them during the day at the buffet, they made her feel so special because they singled her out. So I want to acknowledge them publicly and ask that you tell the “higher ups” how wonderful they all were. Agapita, Panitan, and Sukhadin (I’m sure the spellings are all wrong, but they were from the Philippines, Thailand, and Indonesia, respectively). We sat at table 300 in the Atlantic Dining room for dinner. Our bar waitress, Natalya from Russia, was just as lovely and attentive, and she even put up with my dad’s long-winded stories. We had ordered a cake for my daughter’s sweet 16 and of course they delivered it and sang loudly to embarrass her, which we loved. I can only hope we are able to meet up with all of them again sometime soon because they provided such good customer service that I don’t think any place we go here in the States will ever measure up. I wanted to make sure I found a way to publicly acknowledge them because we didn’t get any comment cards or any other way to let their supervisors know before we left. Obviously, we did show our appreciation to their superb service monetarily

The only small, disagreeable part of the cruise was the fact that in the level 8 hallways, mid-ship, it really smelled like lavatories. I don’t know why, and it was only mid-ship on the even- numbered cabin sides, but when we walked through there, we had to hold our breath.

Otherwise, the whole trip was wonderful and the room stewards were also fantastic and helpful – Edzell and his assistant, who unfortunately I can’t remember. And my 14-year old and 16-year old were completely entertained with the two clubs for teenagers. This is my third cruise out of San Juan with Carnival to the Southern Caribbean and I hope to continue doing so. Keep up the excellent work!

Jen Reynolds

John says:
Hello Jen Reynolds,

Thanks so much for this great review. I can see that so many crew members made this a wonderful time for you and they will be thrilled that you have taken the time to write about them. The crew you mentioned are shining examples and I am so proud of them. I promise the problem with the odor you smelt has been addressed and my apologies for this happening. I hope you and the family had so much fun and that you will be back with us again very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Norm Vanraman asked:

Will Carnival be sending another ship to New York as we have an old ship in Carnival Miracle. We deserve better than this rust bucket.

John says:
Hello Norm Vanraman,

I would hardly call the Carnival Miracle an old ship Norm and she has proven to be a very popular ship and the New Yorkers are loving her.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and many thanks for your continuing support of the blog. I know I am not posting as regularly as normal but once back on the ship I will of course return to a minimum of three blogs a week.

Let’s take a break and while I learn how to play the Hasbro Game Sorry Sliders I will leave you with some stunning photos from Mr. Radu of the Carnival Pride.

Thank you Mr Radu for once again for sharing your amazing skills with us. I may have mentioned this before and apologies if I have but Mr. Radu will be holding a seminar exclusively for those signed up on Bloggers Cruise 5 and I hope we can persuade him to do this each week on whatever ship he is on.

OK, time to move to the piano bar. I have mentioned that we will have some exciting news regarding this and it’s almost ready to be told. I can tell you that we are really focusing on these brilliant and fun bars and our intention is to make them even more fun and exciting by supporting the piano bar players that entertain there. So look out for more news on this very soon and until then let’s see who will be playing in the piano bar on the ship you will be sailing on. The dates listed next to the names are the dates the performers will be leaving the ship.

Carnival Freedom Doug Ross 02/19/12
Carnival Destiny Robert Crucilla 02/20/12
Carnival Triumph Lorraine Ingle 02/23/12
Carnival Splendor Ron Passalacqua 02/26/12
Carnival Glory Tom Riccio 02/26/12
Carnival Dream David Filsinger 03/03/12
Carnival Conquest Larry Maconaghy 03/04/12
Carnival Ecstasy Frank Glenn 03/22/12
Carnival Fascination Milburn Dumas 03/31/12
Carnival Imagination Dana Honey 04/02/12
Carnival Liberty Robert Berhalter 04/28/12
Carnival Fantasy Jordan Heppner 05/04/12
Carnival Elation Tom Grable 05/05/12
Carnival Victory James Morris 05/20/12
Carnival Magic Jerone Howard 06/03/12
Carnival Inspiration Seth Gibson 06/04/12
Carnival Paradise Del Woodman 06/11/12
Carnival Valor Brad Alexander 06/17/12
Carnival Pride Roger Concepcion 06/27/12
Carnival Legend Alan Brown 07/15/12
Carnival Spirit Keith Turner 07/17/12
Carnival Miracle Brennan Villines 07/25/12
Carnival Sensation Currently in Drydock

Thanks as always to these great performers for all they do and to Laura aka Divetrash for looking after them and for the fan club she runs. If anyone deserves a fan club it’s the piano bar entertainers. I look forward to working with Ron Pass on BC5 and on the Carnival Breeze.

I want to apologise to those guests who were expecting to see me on the Carnival Magic this week and I was really disappointed that I could not join the ship, not just to meet them but also because I was looking forward to being a CD again. And there is another change as well because this morning the beards asked me to fly to London to look at some British comedians for our upcoming Carnival Breeze cruises this summer. Let me explain why. Carnival has created a lot of interest and excitement in the UK and certainly last year on Carnival Magic and it seems that during the height of the summer when Brits take their vacation that we have high counts again of my fellow UK citizens. They love the product, they love the food the fun and they definitely love mixing with our North American friends and I think it’s fair to say that the North Americans love mixing with the Brits, right? Anyway, the one thing that we did find was a challenge was the Punchliner Comedy Club. And while the Americans and Canadians laughed out loud, the British guests sat there with faces like an Amish chap at Radio Shack.

You see, comedy about American sports, the Deep South and other specific subjects went over with our British guests like a fart in church. Now we are not canceling our American comedians, they will remain. What we are doing though is adding to the program and hiring some British comedians who mid-cruise will host a British night in the comedy club. So, the beards have hastily set up some auditions for me to attend and that’s my arse, in coach, flying to London.

My schedule now looks like this:

• FRIDAY, FEB. 3 - FLY TO LONDON – SEE THE GIRLS
• SUNDAY, FEB 5. - FLY TO MANCHESTER AND DRIVE TO LIVERPOOL TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GREEN ROOM
• MONDAY, FEB. 6 - FLY TO LONDON TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GEORGE 1V PUB
• SATURDAY, FEB 11 - FLY TO HOUSTON
• SUNDAY FEB 12 - JOIN CARNIVAL MAGIC AS CD

So, I am going to be knackered (www.urbandictionary.com) but it’s important that I do this although again I apologise to those I am letting down and I continue to look forward to being a cruise director once again.

What is the difference between American and British comedy? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Obviously material is one thing because while Brits might not understand and laugh about a joke about rednecks and while Americans might not laugh at a joke about the Scottish, most will laugh at jokes about a man getting his thingy caught in his zipper or a huge pair of pendulous breasts and indeed the suction toilets on the ships. There is though a difference between British and American sitcoms. The British sitcoms are all about failure and Americans about success and so few translate across the ocean. “Friends” is the most popular imported sitcom in the UK but ask a Brit to name five American sitcoms most would struggle. The two I remember growing up were Benson and Soap but I have to admit, I am not a fan of most of the American sitcoms. I am sitting next to an American right now here in Philly and I asked him to name five British sitcoms. His answer was Monty Python and…..ummmm…..ummmmm……. So let’s see if the Americans who come to the British comedians’ sets on the Carnival Breeze will laugh? I am sure they will because the word “arse” said in a posh British accent is after all ……… hilarious.

OK, I have to go because the Game Show rehearsals are ongoing and tomorrow I have approx 50 of my Facebook and blogging friends joining me. I just read that Madonna is providing the half time entertainment at the Super Bowl…….God, PLEASE let this year bring us another wardrobe malfunction! I’ll convert to whatever you want me to believe, promise!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Now that system has been replaced with……well, I haven’t a clue actually because I just press on my Microsoft Outlook icon and regardless if I am at home sitting on the toilet or in the lounge watching Peppa Pig with Kye, my emails are there. It’s brilliant. Except it isn’t. It’s crap.

I say that because when I tried to log on today it would not let me…….. because my password had expired. OK, fair enough. All I had to do then would be create a new password. Simple. But it’s not. It’s a simple as asking Stevie Wonder to knit you a sweater. That’s because my laptop told me I had to be logged onto the Carnival network to do this, which considering I am staying at a nondescript and soulless hotel here in Philadelphia (more on that later), was impossible.

I called the CCL technical support desk which is open 24 hours a day which is a good thing because jet leg had me calling them at 5.45am in the morning. These guys are great and I thank Jose who helped me and for his patience with someone who obviously is to computers as what some news programs are to fair and unbiased reporting. But what wasn’t so good was when Jose asked me to create a new password.

You see, for years my password for everything was “bollocks” but, with brilliant cunning, typing the “o” as a zero, I told Jose this and he said that I shouldn’t do this as the password wasn’t strong enough and basically using the word “bollocks” as much as I do on public domains like this and Facebook was easy for others to guess.

I don’t know about you but I hate having to try and remember sodding passwords. PIN numbers, security ID codes and bank account numbers. I’m constantly clicking on to click “Forgotten your password?” but how much information can a fat thick bloke like me be expected to store?

Anyway, upon Jose’s orders, I typed in my new chosen password but received a bollocking telling me that “Ilovekye” is “weak” and I must add numbers and capital letters. I hate this because it means you end up with a password like “nipple@2zitS,” which you instantly forget unless you write it on a big Post It note which you stick on top of the computer which I am guessing rather defeats the objective.

I hear though that salvation is on hand and just like we have facial recognition photo computers on the Dream class ships so facial recognition will soon allow you to open your laptop. And passwords will be like my sex life — a thing of the past. Until then I will have to continue to use my new password which is “MeganF0xBum4me”……..but I guess now I have told you I will have to change it again…..bugger.

Let’s do some Q and A….off we go.

Debbie McGinnis asked:
John,

I have been following your blog for a short time. While the Carnival Liberty was in dry dock I enjoyed your updates! I sailed on the Carnival Liberty 10-29-11 and just returned home! Fun Ship 2.0 is amazing! We loved all the changes, but I have to say that Guy’s Burger bar was my fav! Our CD Butch was great! He kept us so informed and entertained all week! This was my sixth cruise (all with Carnival) and I just got home and started looking for my seventh! Of course, being from Oklahoma, I was welcomed home with a 5.6 earthquake last night! This was also my first visit to Half Moon Cay and I LOVED IT! The beach was beautiful, the food amazing of course, and the entertainment terrific! I just wanted to tell you thanks for your blog. I enjoy every word you post and thank you for not posting pictures of yourself in your underwear while you’re responding to our comments!

John says:
Hello Debbie McGinnis

What a brilliant way to start today’s Q&A. I am so glad you found the blog and that it helped prepare you for your cruise on Carnival Liberty and, of course, I am thrilled that you had such fun. Guy Fieri’s burgers are brilliant and so many people think like you and have commented that the addition of Guy’s Burger Joint was one of the main highlights of the 2.0 upgrades. Thanks so much then for the kind words and I hope it won’t be long until we see you again very soon and if we don’t I will be sad and will probably post that photo.

Best wishes.

John

Ann Thornburgh asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know my granddaughter and I just got off the Carnival Liberty 11/5/11. What a great cruise. Loved all the 2.0 changes and also tried several of the new menu items…….delicious! Butch and Amy (aka) 6-3 were fantastic. Only real surprise was how rough the seas were…….probably the worst I have ever encountered. My granddaughter and I just laughed while we lurched back and forth. Our cabin steward Rocky and dining room waiter Cesar took very good care of us. Once again, Carnival provided us with a great vacation!

John says:
Hello Ann Thornburgh

Well that’s two in a row about the Carnival Liberty which gets an A I think rather than a D as mentioned above. I am so glad you had fun and that was despite the rough weather which there seemed to be a lot of during the last few weeks of 2011. I loved that you had such a positive attitude though and I hope you and your granddaughter had a brilliant time together and we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carston asked:
John,

Your internet service on the Carnival Dream sucks. It’s slow and expensive and didn’t work at all one night and the excuse was that there was a satellite fault blah blah blah. Internet should be a priority to Carnival but it is obviously not because IT SUCKS!

John says:
Hello Carston

Let’s start by saying that if you were told that the Internet was not working because of a satellite problem then I promise you that was the reason. All of the major cruise lines obtain their internet service from the same company which is operated and maintained through their service station in New Jersey, although I have no idea what exit. If the satellite system is having problems or the weather in New Jersey is bad then yes we do lose signal I am afraid and my apologies for this happening during your cruise. I agree the shipboard internet is certainly slower compared to what we’re used to on land and hopefully the industry will improve and we’ll get faster service one day. I hope you had a great cruise despite this.

Best wishes.

John

Dale Cynoweth asked:
John, We’re sailing on the Carnival Breeze in July and hope you will be the cruise director as me and my DW love your blogs and would love to see you in person. My question involves the call at Naples. We are considering the all day tour to Pompeii/Sorrento/Capri and although my DW and I are fit enough we are in our early seventies and I am concerned it may be too much for us and would appreciate your opinion, John. Thanks so much.

John says:
Hello Dale Cynoweth

I am very excited that you will be joining me on the Carnival Breeze and I am going to say that I am positive that you will love the ship and will have a great time. The excursion you mentioned is a fantastic one and includes a full tour of the ruins in Pompeii followed by shopping in stunning Sorrento and then lunch which is included in the price. You then take a private boat to the beautiful island of Capri. It is a fantastic tour but will it be too much for you? Well, it will most probably be hot and there is quite a bit of walking in Pompeii and Capri so please give all of this careful consideration. You may want to think about taking Pompeii with Sorrento but not Capri or indeed one of the other combinations. Please let me know if you have any questions and I will indeed see you very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Alan T asked:
Hello John.

I wanted to stop by and tell you about my son. You may or may not remember him but he was seriously injured by an IED in Afghanistan while serving in the Marines. You helped arrange a special wedding proposal on the Carnival Dream and made his cruise so memorable. I wanted to let you know they were married this week in a beautiful ceremony in Buffalo, NY. He is getting used to his prosthetic leg and I am very proud of him. He and Diane send their very best to you and I will always protect you against those few idiots who have nothing but hatred for you and Carnival. Thanks John, you are one in a million.

John says:
Hello Alan T

I do indeed remember your son and the wonderful proposal that thanks to my colleague and fellow CD Butch we were able to provide for him. I am so thrilled that he is doing well and that both he and his new bride are healthy and happy. I truly appreciate your son’s service and I wish him and his wife many happy years together.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Paul Marshall asked:

I am amazed at how many times I read here or on other forums, cruisers holding you responsible for their problems, or wanting you to fix everything for them. My family and I will be sailing the Carnival Liberty on March 31, 2012, which will be our fourth Carnival cruise together….Carnival Spirit to Hawaii, Carnival Destiny, and Carnival Valor to the western Caribbean being the others. We were on one of the first fateful Carnival Destiny “propulsion issue” cruises when we could not make Grand Turk due to being under half a head of steam. There was a near riot at guest services that day, but we didn’t let it ruin our vacation, however, we were disappointed about not going to Grand Turk. We now are hoping to finally get there with the Carnival Liberty, and have also lucked out having booked her far in advance of the 2.0 announcements. Although, I would not consider myself a Carnival “Cheerleader,” I can’t imagine finding a better value for our precious vacation dollars……Thanks for all of your reporting of the dry-dock goings on!

John says:
Hello Paul Marshall

It’s great to hear from you and I am so glad you have kept on cruising and we really appreciate this so much. You will love the 2.0 upgrades and if there is anything I can do for you before you sail please let me know. I know the term Carnival “Cheerleader” comes from another website and that it is used by people in a derogatory way because they feel there is something wrong with standing up and shouting out loud that Carnival continues to provide affordable vacations. There is nothing wrong with cheering for Carnival and we love it when people do. It would be fantastic to sail with you again Paul and I hope that happens one day and if there is anything you need before you cruise before you sail again please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

MissT asked:

First, I want to say I love your blog and FB page. You definitely make things about cruising funny and Carnival should consider you a big asset. I have read a lot about rum runners and how many passengers seem to have managed to smuggle them on. I don’t expect you to approve of this John but please understand I am a care worker and don’t earn a big salary. This will be my first proper vacation and I can’t afford drinks at the prices you charge so I am going to smuggle some booze which is why I haven’t used my real name on this LOL. My question is that if I do get caught smuggling rum runners will I be thrown off the ship? Please let me know. Thanks, John.

John says:
Hello MissT

Thanks for taking the time to write to me and I totally understand that this is your first cruise and that you are on a budget. Obviously we don’t allow you to smuggle alcohol on board and while you won’t be thrown off the ship, the liquor will be confiscated by our security team. That said, wouldn’t advise on smuggling liquor. It seems to me that you are already stressing somewhat about the cruise. I promise you it will be a wonderful and memorable vacation. I hope you have a great time and thanks so much for the very kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Kelvin Butchko asked:

My wife and family (seven of us) will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I would like you to do something for a very special person who is going to be with us, my daughter Colleen. Colleen will be joining the USAF and this is our last family vacation before she starts her training and I would like you to send her a gift. Important: She does not drink alcohol so a T-shirt or maybe some free photos for her of the family to take with her would be great. Colleen will be in 6294 and I am in 6308.

John says:
Hello Kelvin Butchko
I see you are on the ship as of yesterday and have asked the cruise director to send a copy of this message and my reply to your cabin. You must be very proud of your daughter and please wish her all the best from me would you. I am sure I can find something to send her and I wish you all a brilliant family vacation.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Please let me know if there is anything you need and of course the quickest way to contact me for a pretty immediate response is via my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/johnheald. Thanks everyone.

So here I am in Philadelphia and learning all about Hasbro, The Game Show which is our new game show that debuts later this year. The last time I was here was to film a Carnival commercial that involved a huge piñata, two tons of candy and the local baseball team winning the super series bowl championship series and the local fans celebrating in a very….ummmm…. raucous….way. Last time I was here I stayed in the Four Seasons but this time I’m at a different hotel which has beautiful views of the runway, loud crap……….sorry rap music in the elevators and a toilet that is so low to the ground that even Joe Pesci, Napoleon and Snow White’s seven friends would find it difficult to sit on the sodding thing. It’s hip and it’s trendy though and there are three different ways of eating tofu on the menu.

We are here, of course, to learn the ins and outs of the new Hasbro-themed activities which will be introduced on the Carnival Breeze and then be part of the ships that have Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades on them. There will be a full evening dedicated to the show and I have to say that it’s going to be a great night of fun and excitement. The sets are huge and the games really will be crowd pleasers for sure. I will tell you more in the weeks ahead but for now have a look at this photo and you will no doubt see our life-size adaptation of the classic board game Operation. And see which CD’s and ACD’s you recognize.

Now for those who hate listening to me moan about flying please skip down a few lines or go make yourself a cup of coffee would you because I am going to have a bloody good moan again. The flight to get here was long and it was boring and bugger me $2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie called Aliens and Cowboys or something and a movie I might add that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, vegetarians and anyone with a pulse it lasted 30 minutes. The food was……..well I can’t really call it food. Honestly it was awful. It was chicken something and it was cold and tasted of anything but chicken. This then was my birthday meal, yep, yesterday was my birthday and I spent it eating rubbish at 34,000 feet.

The lady next to me was in her fifties and had a face liked a smacked arse. Bugger me she was grumpy. After the plane took off the captain turned off the seat belt sign and I asked Miss Grumpypants if she didn’t mind getting out of her aisle seat so I could get to my carry on as I wanted to get my portable DVD player. She looked at me as though I had suggested we get naked in the toilet and join the mile high club together. She glared and made a “huummppphhh” sound and reluctantly stood up and allowed me out of the seat all the time making “tutting” noises while she waited. I grabbed the DVD player and sat down as quickly as I could ………. she was one scary woman …..why couldn’t I just once….…sit next to a Latvian who was so scared of flying she needed me to hold her thigh during takeoff and landing. It was a really bumpy flight and we really did hit some huge pot holes and I arrived in Philadelphia to see white stuff covering the city and brown stuff covering the inside of my underpants.

I will be telling you more this week about what I am doing here in Philly and about Hasbro, The Game Show that is going to be a monster hit I am sure. I also will in the days ahead be telling you about some exciting news for 2013 and how the piano bars across the fleet will be — even more than usual — the place to be. Plus there will be other news and stories from the world we love and that of course is the brilliant world of cruising.

It goes without saying that I miss Heidi and Kye something awful. Two-and-a-half years ago while on the Carnival Splendor I slipped and fell on top of Heidi and now we have Kye, the most precious thing in my life. Heidi loves her and she is her everything but didn’t enjoy me slipping and landing on top of her. I was at my heaviest back then and Heidi still describes that slip and fall as having a large closet fall on top of her…………..with the key still in the lock.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

It’s the start of the New Year and that means celebrities and the rich and tanned journey to places like St. Barts, St. Kitts and St. Martin to detox the excesses of the holiday season. Detox my arse! Look, I know I am as thick as the Chinese phone book but I do remember a few things from Mr. Reynold’s biology class at school. I remember he would throw the chalkboard duster at people who weren’t paying attention and that he had breath straight from Satan’s armpit. And I also remember him explaining to class 2B that the human body will detox on its own without the need for drinking elderberry juice and eating weeds for a week.

It’s not just the George Pitts and the Megan Jolies who are doing it but normal people as well. Here in the UK the magazines and TV is full of the stuff telling us that their miracle digestive body cleaners are the only thing that can save us. Too much turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie and festive vodka cheer? Try Doctor Ben Dover’s 48-hour detox pill. 100% natural and composed of grated yak testicles and hamster droppings it is guaranteed to cleanse your body, mind and soul. Only $190 for 12 pills.

I am fat and ugly, I know that and I am not so thick that I am not aware that eating a bowl of sunflower seeds is far more healthy than eating a huge bowl of nachos smothered in cheese and guacamole. But doesn’t your body excrete waste in exactly the same way out the same area whether you’re eating a salad or a bucket of KFC? Detoxing yourself just a fancy posh word for doing a number two? If that’s the case take a few laxative pills and that’s a huge saving of money there and the result is exactly the same in fact add a huge bowl of prunes for breakfast and that detox will happen even quicker.

Time for today’s Q and A……off we go.

Vince H asked:
John,

Why does Carnival do nothing for police officers? I have been a serving police officer for 18 years and have cruised two times in the last two years both with you guys. I learned that Carnival gives heavily discounted cruises for military personnel but nothing for police officers. We deserve it and Carnival doesn’t do anything. If military get it so should we!

John says:
Hello Vince H,

First of all I do respect so very much the wonderful work all police officers do and understand the stress and danger that comes with the uniform. You do bring up an interesting point and I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate folks here at Carnival. So thanks for the work you do and thank you for cruising with us. Please make sure you tell me the next time you cruise so I can send you something to say thank you.

Best wishes,

John

Bethany Westwood asked:
Dear John,

I will start by saying how awful Carnival’s iced tea is and you should be ashamed to sail from Charleston and serve it to us southerners. It may be OK for them damn Yankees but I was disgusted when I tried it on my first Carnival experience on the Carnival Fantasy last month. It was also difficult to understand the crew who didn’t speak English and I had to repeat myself over and over again to the folks in the dining room. The food was OK and the shows were good but the lack of English and the fact that the ship was sailing from the south but did nothing for southerners will stop me going on this boat again.

John says:
Hello Bethany Westwood,

I am sorry to read that you didn’t like the iced tea. I have to admit that to me tea should be hot and served in a mug not cold and in a glass with ice. However, I will pass this onto the chef as obviously you know what you are talking about being from the South. The crew does speak English and have to in fact according to US Coast Guard and Carnival’s own regulations so I was very surprised to read this but apologise none the same for you having to “repeat yourself over and over again” although this could have been the ice tea………sorry, stupid humour there. I will seriously let the ship know your thoughts. I also hope that when you look back at your cruise you will see that you enjoyed the food and the entertainment and that overall you had fun and that this will have you back with us again soon.

Best wishes

John

James and Sandy McBurney asked:
John,

If you award an employee of the year a trophy it should go to our waitress Martina from the Magic Trans-Atlantic cruise. My wife and me have been on 19 cruises and are Platinum with Carnival and Martin was the tops. Her smile and her friendliness and her patience in the face of two of the rudest passengers I have ever seen was something that made me very angry. They shouted at her, clicked their fingers and one night argued that the steak was badly cooked and threw it on the floor at her feet. I kid you not. They were at the table for two next to ours and had complaints every night. I was embarrassed and at the end of the cruise I told them how pitiful they were. Martina stayed professional throughout and for that she deserves my nomination for employee of the year.

John says:
Hello James and Sandy McBurney,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. As you may know I visited the ship in Freeport during the trans-Atlantic and had heard about this couple from the maitre d and another guest as well. I won’t comment on them or their behavior but I will say that Martina, who I know very well, deserves so much for having to put up with behavior like that. It’s no surprise that she did though as I think it’s safe to say she is one of our star performers week in and week out. Thanks to you both though for taking the time to write and for those glowing words of praise that I promise both Martina and her supervisors will see. Thank you also for your loyalty and I hope we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Dr. Deany Cheramie asked:

Just completed a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy from Oct 22 to Oct 27. I found the experience a bit below the quality I usually receive on a Carnival cruise. The Serenity Deck was marvelous; it was wonderful not having to share a hot tub with kids and their floaties. The food on the Lido deck in the Panorama Bar and Grill was very good. I especially liked the pizza and the Rotisserie. However, there were issues with the air conditioning and HVAC systems. While my stateroom was mostly fine (we were port side forward Riviera deck), other guests shared that they had plumbing issues (flooding) and had to change staterooms. I also experienced issues with the team. The ceiling in the bathroom in my stateroom was covered in mold. I did tell housekeeping about it and it was cleaned immediately. My room steward Teo apologized profusely and said it was because his assistants were not doing their jobs. The plumbing issues continued throughout our trip. In the early mornings I would hear a “bubbling” sound from the bathroom then there would be a sewer smell in the bathroom throughout the morning. This issue was not resolved until our final sea day. Also, I found the quality of food in the dining room was a bit off. Presentation was definitely lacking — food would be shifted all over the plate. We had one rough night at sea fleeing in front of Hurricane Rina, but this occurred every night. Also, there did not seem to be enough servers. Our wait between courses seemed longer than usual. The wait staff always seemed rushed and did not interact with the guests very much or participate in the music and dancing with any enthusiasm. I am looking forward to having the Carnival Conquest back in New Orleans. Carnival Triumph and Carnival Conquest are two of my favorite ships, and I have always enjoyed my experiences on these ships.

John says:
Hello Dr. Cheramie,

You know yesterday I was accused by someone of being a “corporate puppet” and only posting the good stuff and what the beards tell me which of course is nonsense. I have always said right from the start of this blog that the day I am told what to write will be the day I stop. Anyway, with that in mind I read your post with so much disappointment as obviously we have some work to do here. I truly appreciate you telling me and I promise the beards will as well because not everything we do is perfect as this shows and its only through reports like this that we will stay at the top of the cruise industry tree. My apologies, Doctor, and I promise we will improve.
I do hope that overall you had fun though.

Best wishes.

John

Derek Vogel asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on cruise number five on 1/29/12. Joining us will be our daughter who has won a full scholarship to Stanford and therefore I think she deserves special recognition. Could the captain or cruise director bring her on stage and present her with a prize because it would be great. We read your blog everyday! Our cabin number is 6310 on the Carnival Victory.

John says:
Hello Derek Vogel,

I have to be honest and say I asked Uncle Google what Stanford was and it seems a very prestigious school indeed. I have asked Karl with a K the CD to mention her live on his morning show and I will also send her something as well. I am sure you must be very proud of her and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Carol asked:

John,

I will be sailing on the Carnival Pride from Baltimore at the end of January 2012. How can we find out who the entertainment will be during that time? Thank you so much for your time.

John says:
Hello Carol,

Here is the entertainment lineup for the last cruise of January on the Carnival Pride. I hope this is the cruise you are on. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have a great time.

John

Sun, Jan, 01: Baltimore – Welcome Aboard Show – 9am-4:30pm
Mon, Jan, 02: at sea – Wonderful World – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Tue, Jan, 03: at sea – Max Winfrey – juggler – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Wed, Jan, 04: Canaveral – Jazzin’ – 7am-7pm
Thu, Jan, 05: Nassau – deck party – 11am-10pm
Fri, Jan, 06: Freeport – Vrooom – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick – 7am-2pm
Sat, Jan, 07: at sea – Carnival Legends – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick

Dave Wojtylko asked:
Hello John,

We’re big fans of the blog, and of Carnival. We just returned from the October 22 sailing of the Carnival Freedom, and since you seem to enjoy positive reviews I figured I’d drop you a note.

We booked this cruise in celebration of my 25th wedding anniversary. A few weeks prior to the cruise my wife was diagnosed with gallstones and had to have her gallbladder removed, and due to some complications she ended up hospitalized for a week. After she was released and we knew that she would be okay, we still feared that she might not be cleared to travel. On the Wednesday just prior to the cruise she received the “OK” from her doctor, but with strict guidelines on physical activity and diet. Our cruise quickly shifted from an adventurous excursion packed week to one of complete relaxation and recuperation.

I can say with complete honesty that there is absolutely nothing about which I can complain. In fact, quite the opposite. Each staff member with which we came in contact was friendly, responsive, polite, and professional. We tried the steakhouse for the first time, on our anniversary, and it is truly something not to be missed. The staff in both the steakhouse and the main dining room took great care with my wife’s dietary restrictions.

We truly enjoyed the Latin trio that played in the main lobby most nights before dinner. They are truly gifted musicians, and we actually found ourselves hating to leave the lobby to go to dinner.

I know there were quite a few folks that were disappointed by the itinerary change due to the hurricane, but for us it was all just part of the adventure. We knew that the decision was made with our safety in mind, so we just rolled with it and adjusted our plans. We ended up booking the Sea Winds all inclusive excursion in Jamaica and had a wonderfully relaxing day in the sun. In Grand Turk, my wife surprised me with the Ultimate Snorkeling excursion while she did some light shopping then enjoyed a nearly empty Serenity deck. The tour company that runs the Ultimate Snorkel excursion has a top notch operation. They were very safety minded yet still fun and engaging, and their equipment was in very good condition.

Long story short, John, this cruise was everything we expected and needed, and we’ll definitely be cruising with Carnival again. In fact, we’re booked on the January 21 sailing of the Liberty. All the best to you and thank you very much for all you do.

Best regards,

Dave

John says:
Hello David,

First of all may I take the chance to say that I hope your wife is doing well after her illness and then may I thank you for this brilliant review. Changes in itinerary are never easy and I thank you for accepting them in a positive way. I will make sure the ship sees this and I will tell you that the Carnival Freedom continues to lead the way in our fleet ratings and for reasons you have brilliantly explained in this post. I hope you have a brilliant time in two weeks on your next cruise and I am so grateful to you for this brilliant review. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Peter Herne asked:
Hi John!

I just recently found your blog and wanted to pass on a comment from our last cruise on the Carnival Dream. We are platinum customers and on the Carnival Dream we sent in laundry with our cabin steward and my precious white shirt came back off white plus the creases in all the other laundered items were incorrectly done. I had even told our steward to iron them face down to prevent creases on collars and sleeves but he ignored me completely. I complained to passenger services and they offered to re-launder the clothes but they refused to give me the $110 for a ruined designer shirt. This may seem trivial to you Mr Heald but if you advertise a benefit then it should be done properly and I am telling you as a platinum customer it wasn’t.

John says:
Hello Peter Herne,

I am embarrassed to say that at 46 years old I have no idea how to iron something properly. When I lived at home my Mum did it all and then I came to the ships and my stateroom steward did it all and now Heidi my wife does it. My ironing skills are the same as Judge Judy’s pole dancing capabilities. I should point out that the state room steward doesn’t do the laundry. He will have taken it down to deck A forward to the laundry where a dedicated team will have cleaned and pressed your items. I sincerely apologise for this and and I have sent your comments about your shirt to our guest services team in Miami. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Gene Brown asked:

Just a quick question, while on the Carnival Magic’s last 12-day cruise we were told by a VIP guests about the upcoming changes. We have been trying hard to reach 10 cruises and have our 7th booked in Feb. We didn’t understand the misleading info when we started cruising about sister companies and did one on Princess. Or the February cruise would have been eight for us. Any way back to what we were told was that after the first of the year it would take 150 days instead of 10 cruises to reach Platinum. Being so close to 10 and trying to do at least one cruise each year it will take us many years instead of us trying to get it by 2013. Unlike most of your requests I am not asking for everything on board to be reduced by 25% or to have chairs saved for every event or ask that my luggage be delivered to the room right after the captains like most people seem to think they are entitled to.

Just would like to be able to reach Platinum the way I started. Our Feb cruise will be our first that has not been at least seven days. I guess we could have booked a bunch of three days and made it sooner but we enjoy our seven-day cruises and feel that Platinum is just a little bonus for what we love and not something Carnival owes us. Thanks for your time. Sorry we missed you on the Carnival Magic, James was good but I wanted to see you in the purple dress! Just kidding.

John says:
Hello Gene Brown,

I am so sorry I could not be with you on the cruise although I hate that purple dress. I am hoping that you read this so I can tell you that when the new loyalty program does eventually come out that those who are close to one of the current two high levels of Platinum and Milestone will not be punished and will have their levels grandfathered in. I see from what you have told me that you will have nothing to be concerned about. Your loyalty is very important to us and I will hope to be able to tell you more about the program soon. Thanks for the kind words and hope to see you onboard one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Well, as promised here is the first report from the Carnival Spirit which as you may know is currently in dry dock. This is a very important two weeks for the ship not only to get her ready for her last Alaska and Hawaii season but also of course to get her ready for her voyage to Australia. During the next 14 days we will have the chance to see what’s happening there thanks to Stuart Dunn who is of course the ship’s vibrant cruise director and will be in Australia as well. I will have a full interview with him soon but here now is his first report from dry dock:

San Pedro — January 6, 2012.

After the guests disembarked the many contactors hired to carry out projects onboard embarked and started to work on the ship down almost immediately.

They were wasting no time as the entire ship was being transformed into a construction zone so work could take place, while still protecting the existing areas so floors, light fixtures, lounges etc do not get damaged.

A large project being carried out is the replacement of all the 1,062 existing televisions with LCD flat screens TV’s. Time was limited to have them removed from the cabin, carted to the open deck 10 placed onto pallets and wrapped in plastic so the pallets can be craned off before the ship set sail. The entertainment technicians, myself as well as housekeeping and F&B team members were all heavily involved in this project.

As I walked around the ship there were tool boxes, shipping containers, cement and tiling materials, structural steel and so much more being craned onboard from down on the pier. After being onboard the Carnival Spirit for such a long time it is really interesting to see the ship transform from a cruise ship to a construction zone..

Oh, and I have yet to introduce myself and make friends with whoever has been hammering and jack hammering directly above my cabin for the last eight hours. This may happen later, much, much later………………..

Stu
Cruise Director, Carnival Spirit

I can’t wait to see photos of the ship out of the water. Carnival Spirit will also be getting state of the art new gym equipment and of course that includes running machines or treadmill thingies. We have one here at home and it’s used about as much as Stevie Wonder uses his Xbox. We bought it when Heidi was pregnant some three years ago as she said she wanted to stay fit while carrying Kye and I of course said I would use it too. Its main selling point was that it promises to get me fit in four minutes a day. Yes, four minutes. It beautiful machine, in an Aston Martin meets Star Trek kind of way. In the beginning I used it and so did Heidi but now it has become unused except for a brilliant place on which to hang my underpants while I get in the shower. Anyway, more news on the Carnival Spirit soon and my thanks to the super fit Stuart for his first report.

So let’s talk Carnival Breeze, but before we do, let’s take a tour of the new ship shall we?

The new ship looks brilliant and I know you will all love her. Now let’s learn more about the 5D theater from one of our technology beards:

Fantastic, 5D, what a thrill that will be and I am on the case trying to find out what we will be showing. It’s going to be a wonderful addition and you even get to wear Elton John’s Rocket Man glasses to enjoy it. The beards have also come up with a wonderful way to kick off the announcement, and here is Vance to tell you more about it.

To excite fans about Carnival’s new Thrill 5D Theater and to get them into the “movie-viewing” mindset, Carnival, under license from Hasbro, Inc. has created “The 5D Challenge: TRIVIAL PURSUIT Edition” on Facebook.

Contest participants are asked to answer movie-themed trivia questions from Hasbro’s popular TRIVIAL PURSUIT brand.

One prize will be given away daily for the next five days (January 9-13) with contestants required to correctly answer three daily trivia questions to enter into a prize drawing.

Prizes include a 50-inch 3D Plasma HDTV, 3D phone, HD camcorder, and a $250 movie theater gift card. Also Hasbro Video and Board Game Prize Packs, including an Xbox 360 gaming console, will be given away throughout the contest period.

Enter here.

I mentioned on Facebook on Saturday that I had just watched the movie Taken and declared that Kye will never ever be allowed to leave the house – ever. It was though a brilliantly intense movie and one I enjoyed because over Christmas I had a diet of Peppa sodding Pig, The Sound of Music, The Holiday, and, of course, Alvin and The Chipmunks at the cinema where the highlight was when Kye lovingly declared to the entire theatre that that was “Dadda’s ship.” Heidi and I never agree on movies. I desperately want to go and see Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 347 or whatever the new one is but Heidi has bugger all interest in seeing this with me.

I love death, destruction, explosions and lashings of rumpy pumpy whereas my wife prefers movies full of love and kissing and movies that are wrapped in a big pink fluffy blanket which is why while Mum and Dad look after Kye on Wednesday night we won’t be seeing Tom Cruise hanging upside down over a computer or people being shot in the face with by a gun that can shoot round corners. Oh no, we are going to see something by Stephen Spielbastard called War Horse. I would rather watch naked 80 year olds do synchronized swimming than this film and while Heidi will be blubbering I am sure. I on the other hand will be wishing the Germans would just shoot the horse in the head and sell it as burgers to the French. Talking of old war horses, there is another film about a war horse called the Iron Lady which is about something Margaret Thatcher. I hear Meryl Streep is sensational.

To finish with today I have to talk about last Thursday where I apologised for not keeping my promise of making an announcement. There were many who I read on the boards that were upset at me and I faced deserving ridicule. Then there was the lady who didn’t like my humor and the lady who thought my comment about care homes was “disgusting.” I guess that I just can’t win these days because you never know who you are going to upset. You could give me any subject matter: iced tea, announcements (or lack thereof), care homes or horses and I bet that after half an hour I could come up with someone who was prepared to be angry about it. Every day I seem to say something that someone who lives in their mother’s attic and who spends 24 hours a day trawling the web pages will jump on your case and not let go.

Unfortunately, however, in the current climate it is no longer possible to express an opinion or make light of the world we live in because you are bound to upset a pressure group that then runs around waving its arms in the air and calling you a corporate puppet and calls for you to be taken to Gerry Cahill’s office and flogged with a wet Carnival beach towel. I have been apologising a lot recently and between me and you I am getting bloody well fed up with it.

My favourite apology was when the brilliant Clint Eastwood ordered those gunmen to apologise to his arse in A Fistful of Dollars. If the gunmen cowboy chaps had said sorry, the film would have been over. But they didn’t, so there was a lot of shooting and, in Clint’s case at least, plenty of squinting and spitting too.

As a word, “sorry” is very useful when you’re having an argument with your wife and there’s only 10 minutes before the football (saccccceerr) starts: “Yes, I know you just trod in one of Breeze’s turds and I was supposed to clean that up. I am a useless husband and I love you so much and I’m sorry. Now can I watch the game?” Sorry works when you fart in an elevator full of guests, or if you have said there will be a big announcement on the fifth when there isn’t.

Elton John once said that sorry seems the hardest word. But that’s not true. A brave man, a man with a spine and some iron in his blood would say: “I am not going to apologise and if you don’t like my blog and what I say and me then stop reading it and bugger off.”

But I am not that man so I can’t say that………………can I?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I was determined to party my way out of post break up depression and find another girl and somehow Alan and I got invited to a New Year’s Eve party and I was ready to go. We arrived to find lots of girls who by midnight would be drunk, have taken leave of their senses and would let me grope their bottoms while dancing to True by Spandau Ballet. However, I kind of accidentally drank pretty much a whole bottle of vodka by 9:30pm and passed out under our host’s kitchen table. I woke up at 3.30am, disoriented, to discover that the whole thing was over and my best mate Alan had left the party without me but not before taking my shoes and socks off and taking them with him. I then had to call a cab which took me home sockless, shoeless and embarrassingly with a wet patch on the crotch of my Levi’s.

Since then the best New Years Eve celebrations have been on the ships and I will be showing you some photos of what happened on some of our ships later. The one I will always remember will be the Millennium cruise on the Carnival Triumph. I remember the emergency meetings we had about Y2K and what we would do when the ship was plunged into darkness and the world came to an end. I remember that every single guest was on Lido and many were wearing grand costumes as we had advertised months in advance that the party would be a costume ball and many were dressed in elaborate gowns…….it was an incomparable night and Y2K went the same way as the world pandemic of bird flu and never happened. What a party that was. My Mum and Dad and sister and family were on board. So were golfers Nick Price and Lee Trevino. It was also memorable because a guest stuck their tongue down my throat. His name was Steve.

So fast forward to this past New Years Eve. Heidi and I decided that we should throw a New Year’s Eve party for some friends, the first time we have ever done this and it was oh so different to when I was young. I am told that it’s when you are in your mid-40s when parties become something you hate. It is also when the desire to have rumpy pumpy buggers off and from feeling happy and frisky all the time you feel like a sunken chocolate melting cake. Whoever said that was pretty much right. There we were, sat stiffly around an immaculately set table. Heidi had prepared something called “gourmet” which is a Dutch tradition where everyone is given a tray of raw meat and everyone cooks them on a grill thingy that sits in the middle of the table accompanied by garlic and other sauces. It is basically a meat fondue and is supposed to induce conversation why you wait for your meat to be cooked.

And as the night progressed I switched on the television. After what seemed like three years, Big Ben bonged 12. “Happy New Year,” we all said. Delicately, lest the glass should be damaged, we toasted the incoming year. Somebody said, “Well, this is a damn good bottle of whatever it was we were drinking.” Then somebody else said “Anybody got any New Year’s resolutions?” and they all looked at me, the fat bloke, expecting me to say I wanted to lose weight so my answer “to get Heidi to dress up as a naughty nurse” shocked them and resulted in the first bollocking of 2012 from my wife.

It was 12:20 am and I just wanted them all to bugger off home. Now let me tell you this. If you are ever in such a predicament where you are tired, you are bored and your wife is massively pissed off at you the take my advice…….stick some jazz on the music system. The sounds of Miles Davis had the desired effect on most of them and they all said what a brilliant time they had and left. But three of Heidi’s friends and husbands remained and when jazz doesn’t work, trust me, letting out some humongous garlic flavored fondue meat farts will.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Dr. David Mensch asked:

Considering Carnival is a Jewish company, I was shocked and bitterly disappointed that there was no rabbi and no effort to hold a Jewish service for Rosh Hashanah on the Carnival Freedom. We live in Fort Lauderdale and have cruised many times with Royal Caribbean and they always provide their Jewish passengers with a rabbi and services on High Holy Days yet Carnival did nothing. You provide priests and ministers for Catholic and Christian passengers but not Jewish passengers. I demand you explain why as my letter to Mr. Arison has gone unanswered?

John says:
Hello Dr. David Mensch,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me so that I have the opportunity to apologise to you that Carnival does not have any programs for its guests regardless of their religious denomination. Now occasionally we may have a guest who is sailing who offers to hold a religious service be it Catholic, Jewish or interdenominational but for the vast majority of the year we do not have religious programs. I apologise that you found us lacking there and I do hope that when you look back on your cruise you will remember the fun times and the value for money vacation you had and I sincerely hope we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Bobbye Ghea asked:

I have heard a lot about the new loyalty program. I am one of the many that cannot afford to cruise near as often as I would like to, getting in about once or maybe twice a year. Took me 20+ years to convince hubby to cruise, so I got a late start. My cruise in January followed by the one in December would make my seventh cruise. I have never cruised less than a five-day cruise, otherwise the travel time makes it not worth it in all. I would love you to stay at the 10 cruise limit for platinum, even if you weed out the one-to four-day cruises (hopefully the five- and six-day cruises will still count). But please don’t put a dollar amount on it. I cannot afford, and many many others the high price rooms. I love to cruise, and would almost live on a cruise ship and visit home…

John says:
Hello Bobbye Ghea,

You know the fact that you have discovered cruising after 20 years of other vacations and have now completed seven cruises is testament that once you have taken a cruise other vacation choices pale in comparison. Thanks so very much for your loyalty and I promise the new loyalty program will be based on a simple formula that you will appreciate for sure. I understand totally that many can only afford to cruise now and then which is why we are determined to continue to provide the best and more importantly the most affordable and fun vacation in the world. Thank you for your loyalty and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Henry Bray Jr asked:
John,

I have heard nothing but bad reports on a place that you won’t mention about Cruise Director Jen Baxter and as we are cruising with her in the New Year I wondered if you could settle my nerves and tell me she isn’t as bad as she is described.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Henry Bray Jr.,

I know that Jen has a few people on the cruise boards that have sailed with her who wrote some pretty nasty stuff and of course that’s their opinion which they are entitled to express of course. It is though important to mention that for every negative there are many more positives. Now the main point that people mention is her voice over the public address system which they said they found annoying. I should explain that Jen is from Liverpool and has a very strong “scouse” accent and this may be what people are referring to. However I will say this. There is no more caring, passionate cruise director in the fleet and her desire to make sure that each and every guest has fun is unmatched. She is always out and around the vessel and loves to talk to the guests and all I ask is that you go on the Carnival Fascination with an open mind, ready to have fun and I have a feeling that you will be one of the many who count Jen as their favourite cruise director. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Macy asked:
Dear John,

Last May we cruised on the Celebrity Eclipse and they have a new beverage package system where specialty beverages, bottled water, soda and all alcohol are included. It was fantastic in that it made things so easy and also we didn’t have to worry about our bar bill at the end of the cruise because we had paid for the package up front. I really enjoy Carnival and I am hoping that your company will develop a similar all-inclusive beverage program. I was really hoping it would be a part of Carnival 2.0, but since it’s not, could you please pass this idea to the powers that be? Many thanks in advance for your attention to this suggestion.

John says:
Hello Macy,

Yes, I am aware that Celebrity is doing this but as you are aware Carnival currently does not offer such a program. However, I will pass along your comments to the appropriate folks here and I will also talking about this on Facebook later today.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Mullins asked:
Hi John,

I do not have a question or a request. I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your blog and Facebook page. I have only sailed once and that was on the Carnival Fantasy May 2010. I was very excited when I found out you were going to be our CD that cruise. I had researched the heck out of cruising beforehand so therefore had kept up with your blog. But some last minute changes left Risa as CD, and even though you were on the ship I did not get to meet you. But I loved Risa and we had an absolutely incredible time.

And I cannot brag enough on Carnival and the experience we had. My husband and I work in the entertainment industry and really just wanted tons of relaxation, in which we got. In fact, after 14 years of marriage it was the most relaxed I have ever seen my husband. But at the same time if we wanted entertainment, we got it.

I broke my leg last year, so life was put on hold for awhile. But the husband and I are booked in February on the Carnival Paradise. I am once again glued to your blog and counting down the days until we are on the ship.

I suppose the main reason for me rambling on like this is just to let you know that among all the complainers and Debbie-Downers there are people who appreciate the information you pass on along with the entertainment you provide while doing it.

Good Job! And hopefully we will be on the same sailing again and I will get to meet you!

John says:
Hello Terri Mullins,

I am so sorry we didn’t get the chance to meet and I hope that following your accident that you are well on the road to recovery. It is always wonderful to read comments like this because every now and then it’s nice to know that people do appreciate what I do and comments like yours refuel me for the challenges ahead. Thanks so much and if there is anything I can do before you cruise again please let me know. I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Marsha Probert asked:

We are a lesbian couple and have a comment to make about our cruise. Until the second night of our cruise we had not met our room steward. We had taken off our tips as we prefer to give it to them in cash. So when we met him awe tipped him $10 and had fully expected to give him more at the end of the seven days. He was nice and left towel animals in our room almost nightly but on night four, we went to dinner but had to wait for a table so we went back to our room to use the restroom and freshen up as the restaurant was very busy. When we walked up our room steward was standing at our closet with the door open. He hurriedly closed the closet and stumbled to tell us that he was counting hangers for inspection. This left me feeling a bit violated and worried about what else he may be doing in our cabin. I complained at the front desk but nothing was done and we decided we didn’t want him in our cabin anymore and asked for a female room steward instead .This was a terrible incident and I feel disgusted that this happened.

John says:
Hello Marsha Probert,

Thanks for writing to me and I will have to look at your records as I have no idea what ship you sailed on. I can understand your concern but the stateroom steward was doing exactly what he said he was doing and checking to see if you had too few or too many hangers or was also likely cleaning the closet which is well within his job parameters.
I do hope you had a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Pia Nillson asked:

My family will be cruising together on the Carnival Splendor 2/1/12 and are celebrating our parents 45th wedding anniversary. They are very special people and as well, as raising me and my brother they have also provided foster care for 34 children many of who all put money in to pay for this cruise for them. Can you send them something please and if it is possible can they be upgraded to a suite. Thank you

John says:
Hello Pia Nillson,

You must be very proud of your Mum and Dad and how fantastic that the support and love they gave to so many children over the years is being rewarded b y a cruise on the Carnival Splendor. I am afraid I won’t be able to upgrade them but I will send them something for sure as a thank you for all they have done. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today…

If time allows I will talk about my new year’s resolutions later in the blog…….I will be writing one tomorrow and again on Thursday by the way. But one thing I want to cover now is my resolution to try and not let certain comments and questions get under my fingernails and set my three hemorrhoids flaring. Comments like this one which was posted to me yesterday. I moved it ahead of the rest of the many questions I have outstanding as it deserved to be answered. I think.

Here it is:

Esther Peck asked:

We just came back from a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy where we missed the port of Freeport because of supposedly high winds. I have been told by someone else on the same cruise that a meteorologist was monitoring the weather and states that Carnival should have known and changed ports. Don’t captains or Carnival monitor the weather and do their best to request/adjust routes to steer clear of weather fronts wherever possible? Why keep heading into an area of bad weather? I am also told that the Costa ship did dock so why did we miss it? I seriously question Carnival’s decision not to give us the port we paid for and I can tell you I am not alone. Was the Costa captain braver than the Carnival Ecstasy captain? If that is true then Carnival owes me and the rest of the passengers’ compensation for the port of call we had booked to visit.

Esther Peck

John says:
Hello Ester Peck,

First of all I understand your frustration in missing a port. It’s never easy to accept when this happens but I can tell you these decisions are never made in haste and always made in the interest of guest safety. I know from personal experience that when we miss a port our guests wonder who makes the ultimate decision whether to dock or not. Being “brave” has absolutely nothing to do with it and there are many important considerations to be made. As to whose decision it is. Well, there is a two-part answer to this. If the port authority says the port is closed then that’s it, the end. However there are times when the port is open even in inclement weather so whose decision is it to dock or not? Well, some people think that it’s a beard in the Carnival office who decides and I am here to tell you that it is ultimately the captain’s decision. He will decide if the ship can dock safely and if he says it isn’t safe, then that’s it, the end.

Now if we miss a port then it is the beards who will see if a replacement port is possible but once those mooring lines are let go, it is the captain who has the ultimate responsibly for the vessel and those on board. The captain will always try and dock up until the moment his years of seagoing experience tell him not to. The bottom line is that the captain made his decision based on your safety Stefanie and to question his “bravery” is, quite simply, ludicrous. I have been at sea for 25 years and have learned to always trust the captain’s decision. I truly hope that you understand and I also hope that when you look back at your time on board you will realise that you had a great time. Please let me know if you have a follow up to this.

Best wishes

John

Was the captain of the Costa ship braver? Those are the sort of statements that I am determined in 2012 not to get the hairs on my arse standing on end.

This week I will be posting photos of how some of the ships celebrated New Year’s Eve which is one of the most exciting times to be on board. Today we feature the Carnival Splendor and here are the photos as taken by John Ruiz, the ship’s photo manager.

Fantastic and as you can see Todd and his staff throw quite a party with the lobby and the lido deck packed with guests having brilliant fun. What a way to welcome 2012. Wish you were there? Maybe next New Year’s Eve?

As I mentioned the start of the New Year means the dreaded New Year’s resolsoddinglutions. I hate them. I mean, why wait until the start of the year. I am full of praise for those people who make a resolution and then stick to it…….me……I never seem to be able to which is why I guess it’s easy for me to say that New Year’s resolutions are a load of bollocks and that way I don’t have to make any. However, things in the Heald household are a little different now with Kye being nearly three years old which is why I have been thinking hard about resolution or resolutions………..I need to make.

And they are:

• I’ll give up smoking cigars.
• I’ll take up exercise.

I never make resolutions. I always break them. The last one is the one I have always made. I won’t even try to hoist my fat, cigar smoking carcass off the sofa because I know I will fail. The trick therefore, surely, is to give up something achievable, even if it’s just a tiny little thing.
For example, I could give up emailing or texting people to say, “On our way. We’ll be there in 20 minutes,” when we were still at home, with Heidi madly looking for objects like she’s on a treasure hunt. This year I’m considering further improvements and I am not going to moan or complain at other Heidi-isms.

I shall also not tut when she says, just as I’m getting into bed, “Have you checked if the alarm is on?” I also resolve to get into bed first once a week. On that occasion, if she mentions the alarm, I shall be within my rights to say, “No, but I am already in bed so you can bloody well do it.”

I’m also going to immediately pinch beard’s nipple (male or female) really hard if they are caught saying “reach out.” I vote this to be my most annoying word of 2011 and while in 2010 it was used by only Carnival’s senior beards it is now such a virus that it has spread to everyone from Gerry Cahill to the mailroom and oh bugger me…….it’s on the ships now as well with cruise directors and hotel directors all saying that we should “reach out” to the guests. Look, let’s get this straight. You can reach out if you are one of the Four Tops, but if you use reach out as in you mean to call someone on the telephone I shall indeed twist your nipple until your breast picks up the BBC Worlds Service.

I am also going to refrain from posting dates on my Facebook page as in “there will be exciting news about something on whatever date.” I’m an idiot for doing so because when Carnival delays an announcement I look like an idiot and it gives huge dollops of fuel for Hugo and his girlfriends on other cruise web site to say “Look at the fat bastard saying there is news and then nothing happens.” And in a way I understand why they would be a little frustrated so when I know that news is coming, I shall just say the word “soon” rather than be date specific. By the way, there is some exciting news coming soon, very soon. The one date I don’t have yet even if I wanted to post it is the exact start and release dates for our brilliant new loyalty program which I know many are waiting for and I will let you know any more news on this as soon as I have it and tell you roughly I (not date specific) when it will be out.

However, as I said, Kye is nearly three and I want to spend at least another 40 years with her. So, I have to continue to try and lose more weight. This will help me in so many ways. I won’t need a seat belt extension on American sodding Eagle and it will give me a chance to see my thingy. While I was having my carpool tunnel surgery I asked Doctor Longfinger that I had problems seeing my thingy because of my stomach. “Why don’t you diet?” he asked. “What colour is it now?” I replied. Yep, I have to continue to lose weight as I would love to host the naming ceremony of the Carnival Breeze without doing fat jokes about myself.

You know I just had a thought that many of you, except those living in sunny places may agree with. Let’s move New Year’s resolutions to July? I mean, why do we do it in January? We have spent money we don’t have on presents, trees and plastic glowing Santas and have eaten the equivalent of a baby elephant. Yet up runs the New Year we must get fit resolution and tells us that you must put on your Nikes and summon up the determination that eludes you the other sodding 11 months of the year. And eat only lettuce for lunch. Drink three liters of water. While jogging. When it’s minus 10 bloody degrees outside. What a load of bollocks.

Cold weather promotes sitting by the fire eating a hearty plate of dead animal not running around the icy streets in weather so cold it shrinks your thingy down to the size of a baby carrot. So let’s say bollocks to the New Year’s resolutions and join me in mid-year resolutions when the sun will shine, encouraging us to put on our tight jogging shorts exercise. This will be followed by a crisp salad in the shade for lunch. Those in favour say “Yes John” and join me in protesting New Year’s resolutions by eating a huge bucket of KFC.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

We should start a Blog Award for bad rumpy pumpy in movies. It’s so unrealistic isn’t it? I mean, in real life, do people really have rumpy pumpy standing up in public elevators, fully completing the act between floors 1 and 9? Good grief, if a pair of deer antlers in the dining room is going to have the Carnival haters up in arms, imagine the thread if someone was waiting for an elevator on deck 9 of the Carnival Fantasy and the doors opened to reveal a couple going at it like rabbits.

So in Fatal Attraction there is a bit of rumpy pumpy that is just bloody ridiculous. I mean, is there any lady reading this blog who would enjoy being humped vigorously on a sink full of dirty dishes. Leftover chili and bits of mac and cheese on the privates is I think something of a passion killer. I mentioned this to Heidi who promptly replied that it’s all done as a spur of the moment act of passion and that it’s erotic. She replied by saying that rumpy pumpy with me was about as erotic as an Amway conference.

And on that not it’s time for some Q and A…………………off we go.

Tina Palacios asked:

I am going to be on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I need some help. There are 52 of us from Cruise Critic and we are looking for chance to meet on the Carnival Dream. The bar on Lido deck is always so busy and we don’t want other passengers to be with us. I’ve been going over the deck plans but I don’t know if there are any areas off limits or closed. I believe Sunday the sea day, would be the best day for everyone to meet like maybe 2 pm? What do you think? Where can we meet?

John says:
Hello Tina Palacios,

I would suggest that we use the piano bar or one of the conference rooms and I have asked the Cruise Director Gary to help me arrange this for you. When the Fun Times arrives in your cabin you will see that there will be a Cruise Critic meeting listed for that sea day afternoon and the location will be confirmed there. I hope you all have a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Fred and Jeanette Nardine asked:
John,

Please reply…how long will Ken be aboard the Carnival Magic? We will be sailing on her in April and would really hope that he is still there and that you could help assign us to his dining room on a table with other passengers. He really is a star and we love his voice and his Irish charm. Thanks John for helping us with this and our booking number is ******. This will be cruise number 17 for us and it will also be our 55th wedding anniversary.

John says:
Hello Fred and Jeanette Nardine,

Well the bad news is that Ken won’t be with you as he will be in the shipyard preparing the new Carnival Breeze. The good news is that you let me know your celebrating your 55th wedding anniversary and that means I can send you something to say many congratulations. I am sorry Ken won’t be there, he is indeed a star but I am sure you will have a brilliant time regardless and if there is anything else you think I can help you with please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Steven Kowalczyk asked:
John,

I cannot tell you how angry and disappointed I was that the American flag did not fly at the aft of the Carnival Magic on Veterans Day. As a Vietnam veteran myself I am sure I speak for others that the sight of a foreign flag of Panama. This is a disgusting slap in the face for all those who have served and for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice. I will never cruise Carnival again because of this.

John says:
Hello Steven Kowalczyk,

I am very sorry to see that you are so upset by this and please allow me to explain. The flag we fly off the aft of the ship is indeed the Panamanian flag as that is where the ship is registered. We are therefore not allowed to fly any other flag there. However, I do know that we had a large Stars and Stripes hung in the atrium and that there was a large Veterans Day celebration held in the main lounge which was I believe very well attended. Carnival certainly acknowledges the service you and your colleagues gave and are still giving today and we thank you so much for fighting for the freedom we all have to enjoy cruising today. I hope this brief apology and explanation will see you return to have more fun with us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Kris Basu asked:
We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor on 1/8/12. This will be my daughter’s first cruise and her birthday is on the Tuesday of the cruise. I want this to be extra special for her. Abhaya turns 9.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Kris Basu,

Thanks for writing and may I suggest that you could have the cabin decorated. You can arrange this through the Bon Voyage department or onboard at the Celebrations shop as I am sure she will find this a great surprise. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and I will also send her a birthday something as well.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sabrina asked:

Mr. Heald “brand ambassador” a title you do not deserve and I have written today to Gerry Cahill and Micky Arison stating so! You wrote in your blog today that the show “Dancing in the Streets” is the not to be missed show on the Carnival Dream, but we walked out half-way through. That was the first time in over 50 cruises we walked out on a show. Terrible music and sound; poor lighting, high school quality sets, misogynist themes and childish behavior. Silly pole dancing and trampoline tumbling on too small a stage. Leave the juvenile hip-hop shenanigans in the slums of New York or on MTV where it belongs; not on the main stage of a cruise liner with grandma and grandpa in the audience as well as sophisticated travelers.

John says:
Wussup Sabrina,

Isn’t it funny — “Dancin In The Street” is a show that consistently gets huge standing ovations and reviews that glow like a squirrel from Chernobyl. Obviously it isn’t for everyone as your review shows and I am very sorry that you didn’t like it. I do hope you enjoyed the Motown and country shows that were also performed for you as well as the variety shows and the Punchliner comedy club shows. I do though as brand ambassador and as a cruise director stand behind the show and will respectfully continue to recommend it to anyone who sails on the Carnival Dream not to miss it. I do hope you had a brilliant time. Respect to the home boys.

East side!

John

Terri Callow asked:
John,

I just returned from the Carnival Liberty and in all my eight cruises this was by far the friendliest crew we have ever experienced. Our room steward Mansour who never stopped smiling and our waiter Nassi and his team were so funny and always took time to stand and talk with us at the meals end. Every employee we encountered had a smile and a warm welcome.

I had read a lot of negative comments about the new menu. I won’t say where but I have a feeling you will know without me writing it. I have always believed in making my own mind up and not listening to others but I have to admit I was somewhat nervous based again on those reviews. But we loved it. We especially liked the Didja servings which gave us a chance to experience something different like alligator, shark, escargot and so on. We ate breakfast every morning on the Lido deck moved around for lunch from the Lido to the incredible Guys burgers which are partly responsible for me going up two dress sizes. So I am living proof that its best to go into something with an open mind and you will have fun. Next up for us is a cruise on the Queen Mary 2 in the Caribbean and we are really looking forward to that. Thanks John and keep writing the blogs and take care of yourself because we love you.

John says:
Hello Terri Callow,

You are indeed a brilliant example of making your own mind up and not being influenced by others and I am so glad you had such a wonderful time. I will make sure that the crew you mentioned gets to see what you have written and they will be thrilled as I was thrilled in reading how you thought that the crew was so friendly. I am also glad you enjoyed the food and the Didja items and of course the Guys burgers, even though they are responsible for your ummmm ……..need for a new dress. I hope you have a brilliant time on the Queen Mary 2. She just had an extensive re-fit and I am sure you will find her as I did to be an incomparable ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the very kind words and I hope we see you again on a Carnival ship very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Susan V asked:

I posted this THREE TIMES already but failed to get an answer! We are a group of 8 ladies on a girl’s only trip on the Carnival Fascination departing on 1/2/12. We will be celebrating 4 birthdays. Will carnival do something special for us? Our cabin numbers are
R77, R89, R93,R99

I hope you respond before we cruise. THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Susan V.,

It sounds like the girls are going to have a brilliant time and I will send you something to share that I am sure you will enjoy. I am sorry I haven’t responded before now but I am glad I saw this before the start of your cruise. Best wishes to all and have fun.

John

Ray Barry asked:
John,

I was wondering if you know of a wonderful entertainer who was in the piano bar for quite a few years named Ed. He was absolutely hilarious, especially after midnight. Do you know if he is still with Carnival and what ship he is on?

John says:
Hello Ray Barry,

You are referring I think to Ed Rocks who was indeed one of the very best piano bar entertainers we have ever had. He has been back with us here and there but at the moment he is not working for Carnival and I have no idea where he is. I wonder if our President of the Piano Entertainers Appreciation Society Laura “aka Dive Trash” may know where he is now and if so can let you know here on the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Wendi asked:
Hello John.

I am writing to you because I know you are a cigar lover just like my husband and I need your advice. I am cruising on the Carnival Glory to Cozumel and Cayman with Mom and want to buy my husband some cigars. My husband is serving in Afghanistan with his fellow Marines and I know he would love a couple of good cigars. I wondered if you could tell me where to go. By the way, you may remember us (or not) as we cruised with you in 2009 on the Carnival Legend and you had my husband on stage in his dress uniform and the audience all stood up for him which made him feel so special.

Thanks John from us both.

John says:
Hello Wendi,

I do indeed remember you from the Carnival Legend and please would you send my very best wishes to your husband for his continuing service and I hope he comes home to you very soon. Meanwhile we need to get some cigars sorted out for him don’t we. Many of the cigar rollers will take the crap that’s left over at the end of the day, roll a few, stick a band on them and call them “premium cigars.” They look real, feel real, but like Pamela Andersen’s breasts they are hard and taste of chemicals. The best places to buy cigars is at a Casa De Habana in Grand Cayman. It is on the waterfront and owned by a great chap and a true cigar aficionado whose name is Emilio. You can expect to pay around $20 and up for a good cigar and yet I am sure that your husband will find them to be priceless. Have a wonderful cruise and again please send my best wishes to your husband.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

One of the highlights of 2011 here on the blog thingy has been the brilliant photography of Mr. Radu and we finish 2011 with yet more amazing photos. Here is Mr. Radu to introduce them to you.

Dear John,

This morning we have been in Costa Maya, and we met Carnival Magic, so we had two ships Carnival Legend and Carnival Magic docked together. Unfortunately most of the day was raining. I did take some pictures from Carnival Legend just when the Carnival Magic arrived and few from the port. Here they are:

Please can I thank your blog readers and people on Facebook for their nice words about me and I love taking photos for them.

Radu Ursu
Senior Photographer
Carnival Cruise Lines

Thanks Radu and of course it us who should be thanking you which I am sure many will do when they post comments here today. We all look forward to more brilliant photos from you in 2012.

So let’s look forward to 2012 and before I chat with you about some of the things that we have to look forward to we can and should talk about something that is already a feature on some ships and are now fleet wide. I am talking about the Sail & Sign Kiosks. These kiosks give you the chance to do the following:

• Check your S&S Balance
• View/Print your Statement
• Apply Payments (Cash and Credit Card)
• Withdraw Cash ($5 or more)
• Change Bills into Smaller Bills (Kiosk will dispense $20 / $10 / $5

And they look like this:

Now the very first time you use the kiosk it will, for security reasons, prompt you to set up a security pin (4 digits) similar to the casino slot machines and also a security question in case they forget their pin number. This can all be updated / reset at the kiosk. Each time you visit the kiosk after all you need is your S&S card and the pin number.

All the ships have them now and let’s see where these brilliant Kiosks will be on the ship you are sailing on:

Destiny Class

Destiny – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Triumph – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

Conquest Class

Freedom -  Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Liberty – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Valor – Deck 3 Lobby Std Side near D/R Entrance; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Glory – Deck 3 Lobby Std Side near D/R Entrance; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

Fantasy Class

Sensation – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 by the Coffee Shop
Imagination – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 Midship by the LCE Desk
Ecstasy – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 by the Coffee Shop
Legend Deck – 2 Midship inside the Casino; Deck 2 fwd by the Coffee Shop
Inspiration – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 Midship by the LCE Desk

Dream Class

Dream Deck – 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Magic Deck 3 – Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

The kiosks have been very well received by guests and of course they take away some of the lines at the Guest Services Desk. So, if you want to see how much your wife has spent on your Sail & Sign card, change some money or print your statement you don’t have to wait in line at the Guest Services Desk while another guests stands there for 30 minutes complaining that there was too much hip hop on the ship. My sincere thanks to my colleague Gaynor for helping me with this and I am sure that she and her team will have more surprises for us in the year ahead.

So what else will 2012 bring? Let’s see. We will finally be announcing our new loyalty program. This has been a long time coming and I know it sounds like an excuse as big as my stomach when I say that we are waiting for the tofu eaters over at IT to finish what will be the largest program they have ever written. The changes are immense and it’s no secret is it that the old system of basing the loyalty on the number of cruises will be changing. I have also been promised that those who are very close to a particular level will not be punished and that they will be “grandfathered” into the levels. Now I do know when we are expected to go live with this but as I don’t want many different shoes inserted into my bottom I am not going to say when until it is 100% definite. I can tell you that Ron the VP beard who has put this together has been reading the blog and mine and Carnival’s Facebook pages everyday to see what you are saying and I can tell you he is totally dedicated to making our new loyalty program the best in the industry.

In 2012 the Carnival Spirit will head to Australia and I’m told that reservations are moving along very well. She is having a two-week dry dock and as I mentioned yesterday the Cruise Director Stuart will be with the ship and reporting on what’s happening there. The Aussies love to cruise. Remember this is a nation that goes to work in shorts and who ignores the fact that they have kitchens and cook every meal in the garden despite there being spiders the size of Hummers and snakes more venomous than a “I Hate Carnival” Cruise Critic poster. Yep, this is a fun country and we are all sure that the ship will be a “bonza” success down under.

But of course that means we have to replace the Carnival Spirit with another ship in Alaska and in the early part of 2012 we will be telling you which ship that will be. I think you will all be very pleased when you hear and it may just encourage those who have never cruised the last frontier to do so. There will be lots of other surprises along the way – which I can’t get into now but believe me it’ll be worth the wait. As for 2012 I have the Bloggers Cruise in March and the new Carnival Breeze in June. She is going to be a very special ship with new architects and designers who have created a ship unlike any other Carnival vessel complete with some features we have never had before. I can’t wait to show her off to you all.

This year has been a brilliant one. It started off in Times Square with the New Year’s
Eve celebrations and continued with us welcoming the Carnival Magic onboard which I enjoyed a wonderful five months as CD. It is being a cruise director that still gives me so much joy and I look forward to being a CD again on the Carnival Breeze. Other highlights were the Maroon 5 concert and of course the unveiling of Fun Ship 2.0 which I was honoured to be part of.

It has, without doubt, been one heck of a year for news. We had the royal wedding, a terrible earthquake in Japan, the embarrassing London riots, the Rupert Murdoch phone hacking scandal, the Arab spring and death of Osama Bin Bastard. 2012 will feature the Olympic Games in London and a brilliant opening ceremony featuring…….ummmm………Paul McCartney and David Beckham. And then of course this could be our last year together because if the Mayans are correct we will all be dead. Some of us will be in hell where we will be forced to eat every meal with people dressed in SpongeBob Squarepants underwear and forced to listen to 24 hours of uninterrupted hip hop music. Meanwhile others will be in heaven where there will be organic pita bread served for breakfast, Hallmark TV is on 24 hours a day and then, over the PA system, Saint Peter will announce that Justin Bieber has offered to sing a couple of songs. Anyway, regardless it’s going to be a thrilling year and one that I hope is a healthy and fun one for you and all your family. I will be here on the blog thingy and on Facebook and of course on the Carnival Magic and the Carnival Breeze as cruise director where I will continue to help as many of you as I can and continue to show you why Carnival provides you with the most affordable and fun vacation in the world.

Happy New………oh hold on………maybe the Mayans are right and the world is going to end. Just in case I think we should all do things we have never done before. Book a back to back cruise, run naked through Neiman Marcus shouting “I love Wal-Mart” or take your grandmother to a Flo Rida concert. What am I going to do? Well Heidi doing the dishes so time then for some hot rumpy pumpy action in the sink……a bit of turkey curry on my thingy isn’t a big deal after all.

Happy New Year.

Your friend,

John

In fact the only way I am able to sit here in my underpants and write to you was to dispense with that part of life known as “sleeping.” At 10pm on Boxing Day night when I had walked the dog, fed it, gathered up armfuls of turds, developed an OCD hand washing habit and comforted Kye whose Peppa Pig toy she had gotten for Christmas was now headless, I could finally concentrate on other less important things like eating and going to the toilet myself. But just as you are sitting on the throne pushing out an entire turkey leg that the sodding thing starts howling ……….. the puppy, I mean, not the turkey leg although I felt like howling myself.

So just as the puppy starts howling and because Heidi was “exhausted” after cooking Christmas dinner for friends and family it’s my arse that has to go downstairs and spend the rest of the night cuddling a small, whimpering thing which keeps covering me in piss. And I am told the fun has only just begun. The puppy you see is a male which means I will have to get used to it humping my leg which means that I will have to think of a proper response when Kye see this and says “Look Dadda Pig, he’s dancing with you! I want him to dance with me.”

You know it’s strange because ever since we talked about getting a dog we have been inundated with advice both on the blog and Facebook and from our friends here in the UK and Holland. Dog lovers it seems know the answer to everything and there’s no problem that can’t be solved by a pocketful of stinky biscuits. They all think their breed is best and we all have a point, apart from pit bull owners who are all bonkers. Dog owners secretly believe that no one can look after a dog as well as them and that others are at best neglectful, at worst torturers.

I am actually nervous about writing about our puppy…….. and let me explain why. I get called fat and ugly by posters here and on Cruise Critic and I know that Ugocamelstowe and her mates would rather cruise on a ship that’s been chartered by the National Diarrhea Council than with me and that’s fine because you haven’t really had hate mail until you’ve upset a dedicated dog lover. I joked one time about gluing Kye’s Hamster Harriet to her exercise wheel and my mate Vance from PR had to help me answer a letter from an upset reader. Yep, I definitely am not on their Christmas card list and so I am going to be very careful what I say in future blogs about our dog.

So the puppy is here and while as he is soft and cuddly now I hoping he will turn into a savage beast ready to kill anyone who tries to do harm to Heidi and Kye. Yes, I know that’s probably not the right reason to own a dog but when you are away as much as I am it’s nice to know that when Heidi hears a noise in the house at 2am that she won’t be scared because the dog is there to protect her. She is however entitled to feel frightened if all she has downstairs is goldfish whereas if you have a huge dog with big spiky teeth, you can roll over and go back to sleep. Our dog will I hope bring peace of mind.

Anyway, it’s time for me to feed it some mystery meat as Heidi thinks with me traveling that I must adhere myself to the puppy now in case when I return from the Bloggers Cruise it thinks that I there to rob the house and do harm to the girls and uses its savage teeth to bite my thingy off and bury it in the garden. The dog arrived a week ago as cute as cute could be but, alarmingly, within 15 minutes had become the size of a small donkey. We have all of these books and guides and it seems that like so many things in life these days running a dog is more complicated and more expensive than running the engine room on one of our ships.

So what have we called the new addition to the Heald family? I wanted Churchill and for the first day or so that’s what we were going with but then we saw an annoying car insurance commercial on UK television with a dog called Churchill and Heidi and I both agreed that we needed a different name. I suggested Bastard, Killer, Tyson and My Arse but strangely Heidi rejected them all. There was no way we were going with human names as calling a dog Jennifer or Gerry, which in my opinion is a little weird. And it was while we were thinking of a name that I mentioned that I will be flying to Italy soon to visit to the Carnival Breeze and that’s when Heidi said “Breeze, I like that. “ And so we looked at the puppy and both agreed that he shall, henceforth be called Breeze. It’s not a bad name for the dog although I would have loved Heidi to be stood in a park shouting “Bastard, Bastard, come here Bastard.”

I will post photos of the little bugger soon but for now it’s time for today’s Q and A……………off we go.

David Teahen asked:

On the Carnival Glory last December we danced almost every night away until midnight to a musical duo called “Play That.” I believe they were a Filipino couple. We enjoyed them tremendously and give them our highest recommendation. Just wondering if they are still with the fleet, and if so, do you know where they will be this December? Thank you, John.

John says:
Hello David Teahen,

Yes indeed, Joel and Laurna are called Play That and were with me on the Carnival Magic for a while. They are now on the Carnival Conquest and as always guests are truly enjoying playing to their beautiful music. I will make sure they see your kind words as will the beards in Miami.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Scott Cameron asked:

As a Platinum Guest I am grateful for the canapes and petit fours Carnival leaves in our cabin each cruise. However, it seems they get left while we are out for the evening and by the time we see them they have sat out too long to be safe to eat. Our first VIP cruise we were called to schedule delivery which was fantastic. Past cruises I have requested for these gifts not to be delivered and guest relation is always concerned about us not getting a gift for being VIP which is nice but I hate to waste food or money no matter whose money it is. I appreciate Carnival recognizing us for our loyalty and want it to continue but was wondering if the scheduling procedure could come back or could we exchange the wonderful treats for soda drink coupons. One time, we got five soda drink coupons as our loyalty gift and really put them to good use. If time permits, I would really like to hear yours or Carnival’s thought on this. Thanks for all you do John. Feel free to repost this but I do ask if you or Mel (who I sailed with on the Carnival Dream) correct all my spelling errors.

John says:
Hello Scott Cameron,

Because I am so far behind in answering my blog questions I am sure by now you will have seen that the beards listened to you and many others who said that they don’t like the canapes and we have now replaced them with chocolate covered strawberries instead. There will also be lots of other exciting things to tell you about as we begin to unveil more news about our new loyalty program.

Thanks so much for your loyalty and I hope we get to see each other very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Michael Friedman asked:

My family of five was on the Carnival Legend and while walking on a beach in Roatan, my 9 year old son stood on a piece of glass and cut his foot. We took him immediately back to the ship where the doctor gave him three stitches and tetanus injection. We were then horrified to see a charge of $109 on our Sail & Sign account because this was a port of call recommended by Carnival so why should I have to pay. Carnival should check the beaches before sending its passengers there. I have written to Carnival but was told as we were not on a Carnival excursion that there is nothing further to be done. This is something that Carnival should have prevented from happening though. I was told to write to you as you are the brand ambassador so I look forward to hearing a positive response from you as to the refunding of my $109. Failure to do so will result in me doing all I need to do to make sure my friends and work colleagues at Honeywell NJ know never to take a Carnival cruise.

John says:
Hello Michael Friedman,

First of all let me say that I hope your son is OK and that I have forwarded your email to my colleagues in Miami. I have also asked that your comments be sent to the tourist board in Roatan. I should point out that this is a very rare comment indeed and that the beaches there are spotless and have receive wonderful feedback from our guests. I do hope that once you look back at the cruise and the fun and the service you had that you will indeed realise that you had a wonderful vacation. I send my best wishes to you all.

Best wishes.

John

Debbie Spence asked:
Hi, John:

I just wanted to write you to let you know how much we LOVE Carnival. I especially want to commend Joe Baranello, my Personal Vacation Planner. When I first cruised back in 1991, I booked with a travel agent. My next cruise was not for almost 10 years later. Somehow I ended up booking with a Personal Vacation Planner, Robert Valido. I understand that he later went in to management, which tells me that he is a great employee for Carnival. I eventually ended up with Joe Baranello. He is so professional, full of knowledge and responds quickly. When I have questions, I email him, and I always hear back from him in a very reasonable period of time. I have grown to think so highly of Joe that I recently had an event that was a “Trunk or Treat.” I entered my car in to it and passed out candy to 1,200 kids and 500 parents for the YMCA. The theme for my car was “Cruising and Beaches.” The trunk of my Lexus SC 430 was open and I had a fisherman’s net draped across it with sea shells that we got on one of our many Carnival cruises to Cozumel. I decorated it with the “disco ball” that I had all sorts of Carnival memorabilia. (I wish there was a way you could see the pictures.) The best thing was the tri-fold board that I made. Section 1 was “ships,” next was “ports” and last was Carnival “stuff” – I put Joe’s name on there. I had made 500 bags to hand out to the parents for this event. (I am a self employed real estate agent). I was marketing my company (Keller Williams) and co-marketed with my loan officer. I had Joe Baranello send me 500 of his business cards, and I put those in the “parent bags” as well. People always ask me “Debbie, who helps you with all your cruise bookings?” (12-18-2011 Magic will be 22 for me, and 21 for Haley Jeansonne, my 9 year old daughter); I refer them to Joe Baranello every time. I now carry his cards around with me, as I do my own real estate cards. When people ask me about cruises, I give them his business card. I am so happy and excited to cruise with you so often. So many times, I see all sorts of complaints here; all I wanted to do is let you know how wonderful Carnival is and what a GREAT job that Joe Barnello, PVP, does.

As you say, “Cheers”

John says:
Hello Debbie Spence,

Well you have just made a chap called Joe Barenelo very happy indeed. What a fantastic recommendation for him as a PVP that really cares and I cannot tell you how much he will be thrilled when he reads this. I love what you did to your car and how you advertised the fun a Carnival cruise can bring and while you love Carnival we love you for doing what you did and for writing these brilliant words. Thanks so very much for taking the time to do so and I hope we see you onboard very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Simone Kitstone asked:
John,

I know you have to take time off with your family when you go back to the UK tomorrow but I just read that you will be not writing on the blog or on Facebook for a whole week. This will for sure let many people down and I feel certain that I have the support of many other readers who think that you should have one of your minions cover for you so that requests for table reservations and gifts, etc get honored. I have asked twice here for a table for 2 and something for our 14th anniversary when we cruise on the Carnival Destiny 12/17 in cabin 6299 but have yet to receive a response from you. This is a public service you offer and should be one that is not affected by taking time off and should be covered by someone so those who need something done don’t get punished.

John says:
Hello Simone Kitstone,

I am very sorry that I have missed your cruise on the Carnival Destiny and I can only hope that you wrote to me on Facebook with this request and that I was able to help you with your requests. You are of course referring to my week off I had in early November when I first came home and I wish I had someone to help me do what I do but while I have friends in Miami who help manage the blog its only really me that answers the majority of requests here and on Facebook and I do the very best I can. So I apologise if I didn’t get to answer your request in time but I do truly hope that you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Reggie Delfonso asked:
John,

I read your answer to David about the Bright Star announcement and what it meant and thought that it might be a good idea for there to be a list in each cabin that shows what each code word means. I think your passengers would find this very useful and would stop the complaints you are getting and I see no reason why Carnival needs to shroud this in secrecy as your passengers need to know.

John says:
Hello Reggie Delfonso,

I am not sure we actually need to place a list of coded words in the state rooms as most happen very infrequently and when they do the cruise director will explain over the PA system what is happening. The only exception to this is the Bright Star announcement which is the code word for medical staff to urgently attend. I don’t think we do “shroud these words in secrecy” and to hopefully prove that here are a couple of terms that I hope you never have to hear on your cruise.

Bright Star - Medical team please urgently attend

Sierra Team - Stretcher team to a specific location

Poopa, Poopa, Poopa - Chief plumber to attend cruise director’s cabin, major blockage alert

I hope this helps Reggie and thanks so much for your concern.

Best wishes,

John

Kathy asked:
Hello John,

Our Carnival Elation cruise of 10/8 was wonderful. We did sail through a tropical storm, and we had the roughest day in six cruises. I have never seen such great service on Lido deck. They helped people to their seats, carried the trays, whatever it took to help the cruisers stay on their feet. There is a new entertainment member, Elijah “Showtime” Price, he is really good at his job and a lot of fun–he will do really well at Carnival. Steve Knisley tells me he will be wearing the purple dress (like you) in Legends after the dry dock. That should be fun when we take our children and grandkids back on the Carnival Elation Thanksgiving Day. Looking forward to see her all spiffed up. The ship has a good spirit, everyone is so friendly and helpful, one of the best cruises we have taken.

Your friend,

Kathy Davis

John says:
Hello Kathy Davis,

It sounds like you must have had a very rough day at sea and thanks so much for being so positive about the experience. I will make sure that everyone sees your words of praise and what a brilliant advertisement for the Carnival Elation this is. I pity poor Steve for having to wear that dress although I am sure he will look much better in it than me. I hope we see you on one of our ships again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Teler asked:
Hello John,

I would like to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your help in getting The Chef’s Table reservations for my birthday on the Carnival Inspiration last week. It was FABULOUS! Chef Michael and his staff were wonderful. It is an experience not to be missed and something that I believe is on our “must do” list for every cruise now. Thank you again.

Carnival Addict – Denise

John says:
Hello Denise Teler,

Well that’s great news indeed and I am going to make sure that the chef on the Carnival Inspiration sees just how wonderful you thought eating at his table was. I hope others reading this feel that it is a “must do event” and will book, as well. Thanks again and I hope we will see you again very soon and please let me know if there is anything you need.

Best wishes.

John

John and Cindy Fletcher asked:

Can you get me a table for two for our special cruise? It will be the honeymoon we never had and I want it to be special. The sailing is Mon Jan 2 and we are in cabin 1352. Is there anything else you can do to make this special? Who will our cruise director be? We cruised on the Carnival Ecstasy and didn’t care for Steve Cassel very much as he was just not funny and we found him freaky-deaky.

John says:
Hello John and Cindy Fletcher,

I was surprised to read that you did not enjoy Steve Cassel as he is a one of our most popular CD’s and thanks to Uncle Google I can see what “freaky deaky” means. Steve is different, unique for sure and very talented and just a little bit goofy which, for many, adds to his appeal. Your CD on the Carnival Triumph will be Big Tex another very talented young man who I know you will enjoy. I will ask the maitre d to assist you with your table request and I know he will do all he can for you. Have a great cruise and a very happy honeymoon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. I will do my best to catch up on the questions and if it is time sensitive may I suggest you ask me on www.facebook.com/johnheald where for the most part I am able to answer in 24 hours.

So, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I will tell you more about mine later. I can tell you that I am typing this blog mostly with one hand as my left arm is still sore from the carpool tunnel surgery I had. It feels better for sure and I go back to Doctor Longfinger on Friday for a checkup. I keep it in a sling most of the day but as told to but here in my little office I can slip it off without Heidi knowing. While the wrist is sore from the surgery I can feel a difference for sure and hopefully it will be a permanent one.

So how was Christmas on the ships? Well let’s find out as my friend Butch tells us what happened on the Carnival Liberty.

BUTCH’S 2011 HOLIDAY REPORT

Hello John and bloggers and happy holidays……..I was trying to remember how many years I have been giving the Carnival holiday report, I think this is four years now……time flies when you are having fun. This year I am spending the holidays on the Carnival Liberty. It seems that all of a sudden December snuck up on us as we have been so crazy busy here with all of the new 2.0 venues and entertainment that it was time to start preparing for this festive time of year. As always the ship has been decorated for the month of December with miles of garland and many Christmas trees scattered throughout the ship, including the nine foot tall tree that stands proud in the lobby atrium. My favorite piece of decoration is the giant gingerbread village that the culinary team creates each and every year……truly a work of art. There is a lot to be done this time of year to prepare for our special holiday voyages, not only for the guests, but also the crew.

Guest Activities
This year for Christmas we had a better fleet plan for guest activities in the month of December. The plan included holiday-oriented trivia contests and games and a better emphasis on all of the live bands performing holiday music throughout the month. Also, this year, after a successful test last year on the Carnival Dream, we made it snow on every ship in the fleet in the lobby atriums on every voyage in December. This is one of the simplest, yet most magical events as heaps of manmade snow falls six decks down on to a crowd of guests as we play holiday tunes. Of course we had our annual holiday show that featured our singers and dancers and participants from our youth programs. It always warms my heart to see the kids get involved in the show time and it is such a wonderful experience for the entertainers to work with the junior cruisers as we often don’t have too much interaction in our department with these small ones. We also have been observing Chanukah each night for our guests of the Jewish faith with a special ceremony with food and wine and the beautiful blessing as we have lit the menorah (or rather screwed in the light bulb on the menorah) each night of this festival.

Something that is deeply important to me personally on Christmas is to remember the real reason for the season and that is the birth of Christ. For many years now I have been hosting on Christmas day an inter-denominational Christian Christmas service. I always love this event as we celebrate the holiday with crew and guests alike in song and remembrance of why this day exists. This year we had a really touching service with crew members who volunteered to do readings and members of the entertainment team sharing their musical talents in praise and worship.

Crew Activities
As if this month could not be busier for the Carnival Liberty entertainment team, it also happened to be our department’s month to host the crew activities and social events. We really went all out hosting parties throughout the month all with a holiday theme including “the Winter White Party,” “The Red Party,” and “The Naughty or Nice Party.” I always love the crew parties where all departments get together to unwind in a guest lounge for the evening, dance, sing, and just let the stress of our jobs melt away……although, as I get older and as these crew parties take place after hours, I am finding it hard to stay awake to enjoy these festivities. In addition to the weekly crew events, the culinary team prepared a special Christmas Eve late night holiday treat event where they featured traditional holiday sugary sweets, cookies, and cakes from the different nations that represent our international team.

In addition to the events for all of the crew there are some special holiday parties for the management held this time of year including the captain’s senior office holiday party and the hotel management party……all with wonderful holiday spreads to say thank you to the management team for their hard work.

Entertainment Department Events
Since arriving on the Carnival Liberty in mid-October, it was very apparent to me, that for the first time in a long time, I had a lot of new Carnival team members on my entertainment team; many of them on a ship for the first time, and many of them spending the holidays away from their families for the first time. It was apparent to me months before the holidays that I needed to really work hard to make the holidays extra special and memorable for my shipboard family. I have only had one Christmas home in the eight years that I worked for Carnival with my family and although I am content with the fact that I choose this life, it never gets easier this time of year to be away.

So this year “Father Butchmas” (a nickname given to me by a one James Charlton years ago during the holiday season) was out in full force. I always start the month of December with the department holiday card photo shoot. Now, no offensive to any of my colleagues who all send out the same holiday card photo that is taken at the end of the holiday show on stage, I try to make the card as special and memorable as possible. You may remember my card from the Carnival Dream last year where every member of the department was an ornament on a Christmas tree…….this year I wanted to do something a little bit more modern and something that was definitely “2.0” The card turned out great… take a look:

Some other activities for the team included a make your own Christmas stocking party (which I later filled with holiday treats). The chef even let the team loose in the galley one evening where we made and decorated hundreds of holiday cookies. We had a couple of holiday movie nights and of course our secret Santa gift exchange. I love secret Santa and we picked the first day of December this year to give ample shopping time. I happen to pick one of the first contract dancers who was spending his first holiday away from his family and I took great pleasure in leaving little treats and clues for him throughout the month until we did our big reveal in a champagne pajama breakfast on Christmas morning.

A couple of Butch holiday traditions that I have continued this year is my now famous department ugly Christmas sweater Christmas party……the team looked hilarious this year as we celebrated into Christmas day night and our elephant gift exchange where everyone in the department brings a wrapped gag gift to the party and you end up with something random and hilarious at the end of the night (a couple of the gifts were too inappropriate to mention in this forum). The team here has been working so hard with the release of Fun Ship 2.0 and I wanted to show my appreciation so my gift to department this year was a personalized Carnival Liberty entertainment team T-shirt and matching mug that I made for everyone on the team. Although it will never be easy to spend the holidays away from home, we had a wonderful Christmas. We are already looking forward to our New Year celebration that is going to be full of surprises as we will utilize our new 2.0 spaces to their fullest for the party of the year.

Finally, my ultimate Christmas gift is coming just a few days late this year……my parents are cruising on the 31st and I can’t wait to ring in the New Year with them.

All my love John to you and Heidi and Kye

Your friend,

Butch

Thanks so much Butch for that heartfelt report and I am sure that you have given our guests the most wonderful Christmas cruise experience. Well done mate and I send my best wishes for the most wonderful and fun New Year to you and your family.

Well, I will be writing another blog on Thursday as I recap 2011 and will have some hints as to what you can look forward to in 2012 and beyond so please check back with me here on Friday. Then on January 2 I will resume with the three blogs a week and each day on Facebook where by the way you can find me each day starting today. Then before you know it I will be on the Carnival Magic, back in the CD chair and then of course I will be on the Breeze…..the ship ……… not the dog.

So Kye was spoiled, there is no other word for it as the mountain of ripped wrapping paper proved. We bought her Peppa Pig stuff but to try and get her to kick the pork habit we included other stuff as well. This included a Mr Potato Head which for a moment she looked excited about but when it emerged that he didn’t do much, he was abandoned and as he lay there on the floor being buried alive under more wrapping paper. I remembered that Kye’s reaction to Mr Potato Head was how I reacted when at the age of 10 my parents bought me a yo-yo. Now I don’t want to add yo-yo enthusiasts to the ever-growing list of people who think I am an idiot but I have to say………yo-yo’s are crap………..total and utter crap. They were crap when I was 10 and they’re crap now. It was then a Peppa Pig Christmas and the only other thing that could come close was a game where paper butterflies are blown out of an elephant’s trunk and you have to catch them with nets. My record is nine.

So overall it was a good Christmas in the Heald household despite Breeze crapping on the presents. Yep, I enjoyed Christmas. I like turkey sandwiches. The Great Escape is always worth watching. I don’t have any relatives who wet themselves over lunch. I loved seeing Kye’s beaming face at 5am and I am grateful that three different people bought me new underpants and only slightly bothered that nobody bought me an Aston Martin. The beards had a great time as well and I hear the marketing department’s Christmas Party was a huge success and like all office parties everywhere I am sure it involved one or two having some rumpy pumpy. Why? You sit opposite some bearded chap called Eric for 48 weeks and it never once occurs to you that he is sexy. So how come, after one warm glass of Pinot Grigio, he only needs to put on a silly paper hat to become Brad Pitt. Eric then uses a chat up line to Jennifer from accounts like “Put your crash helmet on, Jennifer – you’re going through headboard” and that’s it, a Christmas party one night romance is born.

Yep, I had a good Christmas and apart from the fact that my neighbor’s house looks totally sodding ridiculous with its plastic Santa’s and thousands of lights. It looks like he went to Wal-Mart, gathered up armfuls of anything that glitters rammed it all down a shoulder mounted missile launcher and then fired the whole lot at his house like a gaudy bomb.

Oh yes, there is one more thing. Please can my friends never send me another round letter that’s shoved in the Christmas card and copied to all their friends giving a recap of what’s happened in their lives this past year and it’s always to brag? “It’s been a busy year for the Jones family. In September, Brittney, our youngest, got accepted into Harvard. Not bad for a seven year old. Autumn, our middle one performed in the talent show on the Carnival Conquest and will for sure win American Idol next year, while Brandon who turned 12 in October, became the first person to skateboard down Mount Everest.” Yep, these letters are designed for one reason only, to show off your kids.

I have an idea. Next Christmas, why not kill two birds with one stone by draping your children in lights and gluing them to the side of your house, clutching their school reports?

Time to walk Kye until she does a poo and read Breeze a bedtime story.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Now yesterday I went to see Kye in her first ever nativity play and as I mentioned on Monday on Facebook I was already pissed off because instead of offering Kye the lead role as Mary she was offered the part of a star. Not “the star” you know the one that led the three wise men to Bethlehem, not the GPS star……….a star…….a simple star with no speaking part. When Heidi told me this I was devastated and I became a stage Dad. Why wasn’t my daughter Mary? OK, she can’t say the word “toilet” yet let alone say “Can we have a room for the night Mr. Inn Keeper?” because I am about to pop — but that’s not the point is it? She is the daughter of Carnival’s Brand Ambassador and Senior Cruise Director. She belongs on stage, she should play the part of Mary or even Jesus!

Anyway, off we went to watch the two- to four-year olds perform their nativity play and it wasn’t quite as I remembered at school. The first thing that struck me was that the shepherds watching their flocks by night did not have the standard towels on their heads ………… nope ……….these were politically correct shepherds and were dressed in traditional shepherds clothing of bed sheets. The looked more like they were going to a toga party then to see Mary’s child. Anyway, trying not to let this get me grumpy, I carried on watching the play. We sat behind a wall of video cameras. To the rear of the stage was an unlucky group who had been dressed up as the animals in the manger. This included two young four-year-old boys who were dressed as the donkey and not a very unhappy one at that.

Try as I might to watch Kye dressed as a star and dancing around having fun I kept being distracted by the sight of the brooding donkey. The kid had taken the head off now and yet the back of the donkey was still in costume which looked quite surreal but the head of the donkey was now getting redder and redder. I could swear that actual steam was coming off him and he started to sway a bit. Then the donkey burst into tears and was withdrawn from the manger and cuddled behind the crib by his Mum. Shortly afterwards a sheep tripped up on a small bit of wood and disappeared off the stage. This was a health and safety nightmare. I presume next year the children will all have to avoid this. Is that a star in the east that’s glowing and guiding us ……. no………that’s Joseph’s high visibility jacket.

Back on stage, Joseph and Mary were coming to the end of their epic search for a Holiday Inn. The third innkeeper was approached. “Do you have a bed?” asked a weary Joseph. “NO!! SOD OFF!” That’s what I was secretly hoping that he would say. Actually he shouted, “MUM I DON’T KNOW” and like the head of the donkey he started to cry as well.

I was very proud of Kye and she stood and smiled and did the little dance that she had been asked to do and I felt as proud as anything. But the Nativity play had been a strange affair. Political correct and yet throughout all I could think about was Monty Python’s Life of Brian. Now I am a believer and was surprised many found this movie blasphemous. But in my opinion it was just a crazy outlook on the world’s most famous story and throughout Kye’s play this bit I am going to show you now was all I could think about.

And for those of you who after that gush of sentiment are not vomiting, it’s time for today’s Q and A. Off we go…

Donald Bowater asked:

I just discovered your blog and as you appear to be someone who listens I want you to know that my partner and I are concerned that Carnival does not support gay cruisers. There was a lot of chatter on ————- that Carnival is the least supportive of gay and lesbian passengers and I wanted your opinion after you read this. You can see that so many alternative cruisers think Carnival is anti gay. What say you?

John says:
Hello Donald Bowater,

My apologies first of all for not including the link but I have a policy here not to post links to other cruise boards for reasons I won’t bore you with here. I actually don’t need to read it because anyone who says that Carnival does not support gay and lesbian cruisers is talking nonsense. Each and every night and each night on each and every ship we hold gay and lesbian get together. These are advertised in the daily program we call the Fun Times as “Friends of Dorothy” and this is where other gay and lesbian guests know they will meet other guests who share a similar lifestyle. I am not sure what other expectations you have regarding this but we are definitely open to suggestions. Please let me know and I hope we see you on a Carnival ship very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrew P asked:
Hi John,

I noticed on one of your recent Q&A answers, you mentioned that you were considering stopping the Q&A’s in the blog because you answer so many questions on Facebook. I just wanted to say please don’t! I really enjoy reading the blog as it is with the questions in it, and we aren’t all members of Facebook so would appreciate the ability to ask a question here. Thanks for all you do.

Andrew

John says:
Hello Andrew,

I guess many feel the same way as I had lots of similar replies which is why for now I am still here answering them. Thanks for the kind words and hope you continue to enjoy the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Diane asked:
Dear John,

Which ship will you be sailing on for September 2012? I want to cruise with you as my CD…. (Of course I am not telling my husband this). This will be my sixth cruise with Carnival and I HAVE LOVED THEM ALL!! I am looking forward to making Platinum status. All of my cruises have been seven days and hoping the platinum policy changes to number of days at sea instead of the number of cruises taken. Looking forward to hearing back from you so I can plan my next cruise!

John says:
Hello Diane,

Well while I can’t say what the new loyalty program will be based on I can say that I know you will be very happy indeed. I will be on our new ship Carnival Breeze in September and it would be fantastic to see you and your husband there so I can show you our new ship and Europe and all the amazing ports. Thanks for your loyalty and I hope to see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carol and Jim Friejland asked:

John: Please pass on our thanks to the Captain and crew of the Carnival Liberty for an amazing cruise. The new upgrades are to die for and the Guy Fieri burgers were the icing on the cake. Our cabin steward Franklin was the best we have ever had and his stories about his many years as a Carnival employee were so much fun to listen to. He told us he was the captain’s butler on the Carnivale ship and that the captain had a dog on the ship with him. Is this really true? It was a great cruise and thanks John for the surprise in our cabin. You rock!

John says:
Hello Carol and Jim Friejland,

Thanks so much for this great review and I am glad you got to meet Franklin as I know him well. He has indeed been around for many years and his Jamaican charm and wit is a joy to be around isn’t it? Yes indeed, captains did have dogs with them and Captain Los had a dog on the Carnivale when I was first there in 1989 and in fact other captains had them as well. These days it’s not allowed and you need permission from USCG, USPH and the CIA just to have a goldfish in the cabin. Anyway, I am glad you had so much fun and I shall pass this review to the ship and of course to Franklin. Thanks again for sailing with us and hope to see you again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Elaine Brovero asked:
John,

I am wondering if Carnival has decided to lose the “party” ship reputation and become a “families with small children” vacation getaway. I am platinum, as is my husband, and just got off a back to back on the Carnival Dream last Saturday. There were so many unattended, misbehaving and disruptive children on both cruises that we both agree they were the most disappointing ones we have been on. From children sitting at all the bar stools in the lobby bar, so adults had to stand, babies in diapers and toddlers in the pools and hot tubs, children constantly playing in the elevators and running up and down the corridors in the wee hours of the morning ripping off room service orders and “snoozing” tags from door handles, it was just too much. I never once saw any crew member approach a parent to ask them to control their children, or saying anything to the unattended children at all! As you know, we were in very rough seas last week. The decks were closed off due to the high winds. I saw two teenagers go under the barriers set up on Lanai, and jump into a hot tub. This was observed by at least one crew member, who said nothing. I complained about small children diving into the hot tubs, figured at least one of them would crack their heads open, but nothing was said. I am hoping that this was an issue peculiar to the Dream only, and not something resulting from a marketing or a policy change. On the upside, we did have a table for two on both cruises, and I thank you for arranging it for us. I am not quite ready to give up on Carnival entirely, but if this is the future of Carnival cruising, then we will be looking for something a bit more appealing to adults. I would appreciate your input.

Thank you

John says:
Hello Elaine Brovero,

First of all I think we have escaped that image of a party boat that we were labeled with. Are we a family cruise line? Yes, absolutely yes and we encourage our guests to sail with their families. However it seems that at least on your particular cruise there were some issues although this has to be shared somewhat with the families. I thank you so much for bringing this to my attention and of course I shall now be addressing this with the ship and the shore side beards. I am glad the table arrangements worked out and that you had fun. I truly hope we will see you again.

Best wishes.

John

John Drury asked:
Hi John,

I have been looking at the new ship Carnival Breeze sailing July 2012, info is hard to find about the ship, can you point me at a site that will give me photos of the build and news.

Just found your blog, funniest read for years, keep it up man and do not let the beards rule.

John says:
Hello John Drury,

Thanks for joining us here on our blog and you are most welcome. We haven’t really gotten into fifth gear yet regarding our new ship and all the features she will offer but early next year I will be telling you all about her here and on my Facebook page. For now we have a web page at www.carnivalbreeze.com Please let me know if you have any questions and it will be great if we get to meet onboard our new ship. Thanks for the kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Lenny Zazick asked:

My daughter Nancy and her husband Jon are huge fans of yours. She turned Rita and I on to cruising and have since been on four Carnival cruises. John, I am in the musical entertainment business and especially pay attention to and enjoy the various entertainers throughout each ship.

I must say, I would love the opportunity to be a performer on a cruise just once. I provide high energy keyboard and vocal entertainment that engages audiences in a very wide variety of musical styles for dancing or just listening. I’m no longer a kid – just turned 70! So, I’d love to see if there’s a way to make this happen without all the red tape. This may not be the right place to ask about this, but I thought, oh what the heck, let me knock on the back door and see what happens.

Cheers,

Lenny

John says:
Hello Lenny,

There is no such thing as too old to entertain and I think it’s fabulous that you still love to do so. Now I will say that living on a ship at 70 years old may not be easy for you but I certainly think you should consider it. Have a look at our entertainment site at www.carnivalentertainment.com and let me know what you think after reading it and if you are still interested let me know and I will help you all I can. I wish you much success.

Best wishes to all.

John

Paul Beighley asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I are Platinum members of Carnival, and we first cruised with you on Carnival Ecstasy when it was one of the newest and largest cruise ships on the sea. I believe that you were just a young thin lad in those days. This was our first cruise, and I was so impressed with the food that I had to write the following verse.

Living Like Kings

We are eating our way from the dock through the bay Cruising out on the fabulous sea. We’re a giant afloat, a magnificent boat as we top off out dining with brie.

We are living like kings, and we drink frozen things as we lounge on the deck in the sun. We put oil on our backs, then they offer us snacks. We never had so much pure fun.

We will drink at the bars and dance under the stars to the music of joy and romance. Then we see the fine shows, and it’s time now, lord knows to give the late buffet a chance.

When we stop at the ports, then we all don our shorts and watch all the natives at play. Then we eat all the dishes made from tropical fishes and some of us wish we could stay.

We have lunched on the sea, had the afternoon tea with cookies and ice cream as well. Then, at dinner, partake of both lobster and steak, those last three desserts all were swell.

Then, at last, to home port, oh the cruise was too short, and how the time just flew by. And it just isn’t right how our clothes fit too tight, and we just cannot understand why!

Paul B.

I know that most people dislike poetry, but I do hope that you get some enjoyment from this. You can blame Linda Pearl (Trip) from Cruisemates for causing me to send this.

John says:
Hello Paul Beighley,

Please say a huge thank you to Linda for making you send me this. It’s brilliant and reminds me so much of days gone by. Guests would do this sort of thing all the time and perform them at talent shows. These days we tend to concentrate on complaints so this is really refreshing. Thanks for sharing this and I know it was enjoyed by the many thousands of people who read this blog. I hope we cruise together soon as it’s been too long.

Best wishes.

John

Zoe Clattenburg asked:
Hey John,

Why are there no clocks in the cabins. Royal Caribbean has clocks. Another cutback perhaps?

John says:
Hello Zoe Clattenburg,

It can’t be called a cutback when we have never had free standing clocks in any of our staterooms on any of our ships. We do have clocks on the cabin TVs on the ship’s position channel though. I hope this helps.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

So as I mentioned on Facebook yesterday I will be heading to hospital on Tuesday for a little surgery on my left arm. The steroids haven’t really helped this carpool tunnel thing so Doctor Longfinger has suggested surgery. I thought about doing this after Christmas but I need to be having my arm fit and well for a busy January because I will have lots to write about and lots to tell you in the New Year. So surgery it is then. I am told it’s a quick procedure and I will be out the same day which is good and I am sure that at some point even though it’s a procedure on my arm it will involve a finger full of latex being shoved up my bottom, it always does. So this then is my last official blog before Christmas. I will remain on Facebook through Sunday night answering questions and will shut the blog and Facebook down from the 18th to the 27th. On the 27th I will return with a full blog and be back on Facebook every day. This will allow me to have surgery and to have a week at home in the build up to Santa and his sack coming down the chimney. It will also allow my colleagues and their beards in the office to do the same. This Friday I will have a little video to show you from here in the UK. Thanks as always for allow me this week away from the keyboard.

Before we continue today let’s have a look at more stunning photography from Mr. Radu.

Here he is with an introduction:

Good morning John,

I will send you a couple of emails because I have so many photos. It was a great experience, and a great chance to photograph the crossing of two our ships Carnival Paradise and Carnival Inspiration one day after the other. The traffic on the Canal was very intense, and this could be very well seen from the air. We did have a very good and experienced pilot from Canada, we did fly a couple of times around the Miraflores Locks and Pedro Miguel for Carnival Paradise, and for the first time we did fly over the rain forest all the way to Gatun Locks on the Caribbean site and we did film and photograph the Carnival Inspiration sailing on the beautiful Gatun Lake. One thing caught my attention, the construction of the new locks, is going so fast, so the Panama Canal it will be much larger very soon. We still have few more days from our Panama Canal cruise here on Inspiration, and I want to thank Stephanie for all the support and entertainment department making possible to have two photo seminars and slide show in the big lounge on the big screen, and the lounge was full for both presentations. The cruise director Stephanie did introduce me to our guest, and she was on stage for the entire seminar. The first one I made was Panama Canal from above with the aerial shots we made and the story of this images, outdoor photography and Digital photo tips, and the second the Art of Travel Photography and again the tips of the day to have a better picture, with images from all our ports of call and Carnival destinations. I can see now how the guest coming to the photo gallery and have more interest to buy pictures.

Many guest ask where can they see more of my photos, and we told them to view them on your blog and Facebook. Yes, the Panama Canal aerial shooting was a great experience, and I hope everybody will enjoy viewing them on your blog, I put all my passion and talent to take this photos, it was not easy, we had permission to fly only above 1,000 feet, so it was very high, on the first day for Carnival Paradise we did fly above Miraflores Locks and Pedro Miguel Locks ,on the Pacific side, and over the new bridge and the bridge of the Americas, and also above Panama City. We did fly as well true a tropical curtain of rain at one time. The next day for Carnival Inspiration, for the first time I do these aerial shots for our ships crossing the Canal, we did fly all the way to Gatun Locks and over the rain forest. Yes, it has rained a lot lately over Panama Canal, this make the lake looking like a latte.

As you know, the lake is the main source of water for the canal, without this the Canal can’t work. This is shortly what I had experience. The food they gave me in Panama in the hotel was so good, in the evening I had Corvina fish (see bass), they told me is national dish, and it was, please try this if you ever stop there in Panama. Have a great day and can I write a big thank you to all your blog and Facebook people who say lovely things about me. I hope I can take their photos one day

Radu Ursu
Senior Photographer

Thanks Radu and I hope you know how much we all value the fact that you share your amazing work with us all. We have many talented people who work on our ships and you sir on one of our most brilliant talented crew members. Thank you for everything and we all wish you and your family a very happy Christmas.

And now it’s time for a little video which we shot on the Carnival Liberty. It features one of the 2.0 upgrades, the brilliant Alchemy Bar. Now for those of you unfamiliar with this new bar it has been designed to allow our guests a whole new sensory experience when it comes to cocktails. Our design team spent months researching and mixing and trying dozens and dozens of new recipes for our new menu. Before I show you this video I should remind you that when I first started with Carnival that I did so in the bar department and I think it’s time I told you how I went from bar staff to entertainment staff and indeed I will tell you more about that in a moment. I was though a crap bar waiter. A guest once asked me for sex on the beach. I waited at Seven Mile Beach in Grand Cayman for hours but she never showed up. Seriously, I was dreadful and I was to mixology what Regis Philbin is to cage fighting. I say this in advance of you watching this video.

That video was filmed and edited by Peter the Hair and Jay The Don’t Get Married Peter Because I am And I Get No Rumpy Pumpy Anymore. You could probably hear them in the background giggling like two school girls looking at the JC Penney men’s underpants section in the catalogue. They did a great job again and I thank them very much and we have a very, very special video to show you after Christmas.

So how did I go from being in the bar department to the entertainment department. I have never publicly told this story before I think so I guess it’s about time I did.

The year was 1988 and I was sitting with the bar manager on the promenade deck of the Carnival Jubilee. We shall call him Oswaldo as that was his name and he was a total and utter bastard. The bar department were scared of him and indeed so was I. Now you have to remember that this was 20 plus years ago and back then, once the ropes were undone and the ship moved away from the dock, that was it, the ship was its own boss. There was no email no ship to shore phones, there was bugger all and we did have one or two managers in various departments who were real dick……..tators. Oswaldo was one of these. I had been promoted to assistant bar manager because I was an awful wine steward. The cork would often get stuck in the bottle and I didn’t know the difference between Mad Dog 20/20 and Chateau Lafite Snobschild.

So they made me assistant bar manager complete with white uniform and there I sat on Promenade Deck with Herr Oswaldo. He was from Spain not Germany but the “Herr” should give you a feeling of how he ruled. This was his thing. At 9 pm every night he would sit with me and watch the business sipping on his vodka cranberry as normal. So along comes a 5 foot nothing bar waiter from Indonesia. His name was Aslim Noor and I will never forget him. He was carrying a full tray of drinks and for whatever reason he suddenly dropped them and the Promenade deck was suddenly swimming in beer, wine and slippery nipples. And he had done this right in front of Herr Oswaldo.

I rushes over to help him and I remember even guests or passengers as you were known back then helped as well. Not Oswaldo, he stood waiting for the debris to be collected and the deck to be mopped and for Aslim to replace all the drinks for the guests and told me to bring him to the bar manager’s office. I did so, reluctantly and I could see how nervous little Aslim was. Once in the bar managers office I watched Oswaldo explode. He grabbed Aslim by the collar of his burgundy uniform jacket and started to shake him, screaming how he would be taking the spilled drinks out of his salary.

As he screamed and shook Aslim his head banged repeatedly on the office wall. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Now I am not a violent man although I did a bit of Karate when I was a kid but I never had to use my Brown belt skills (never made it to black belt) for real…………..until now.

I asked Oswaldo to stop shaking him. He didn’t. So I forced myself between them. He looked at me with an expression of unadulterated hatred. His lip was curled and his brow was sweating as I calmly asked him again to stop and he responded by taking his hand and shoving it hard into my face and pushed me away.

And I am proud, yes I am proud I really am to say that I reacted as My Karate teacher Sensei Bill Smith had taught me and threw a huge elbow to his nose followed by a right knee to his bollocks.

Oswaldo screamed at me in Spanish and as he did so he lifted both hands to his nose and fell onto his desk writhing in agony, blood pumping from his surely broken nose. And I bet his bollocks weren’t having a good day out either.

I took Aslim by the arm and we both left the office. As we did I knew my Carnival Career was over. I had been there just 3 years but that was that, there was no way I was going to survive this. These days we don’t have any managers in any department like Oswaldo but if anything close to bullying were to happen there are protocols in place involving the HR Director, staff captain and hotel director. Back then there was none of this and so I found the staff captain, told him what had happened and that was me, confined to my cabin. We didn’t even have a formal security department back then and so to make sure I didn’t do my Chuck Norris impression on anyone else I had a deck hand sit outside my cabin all night long. Now all of this had happened on the last night of the cruise and we were in Miami the next day so I had packed my suitcase and was ready to be taken off the ship which when a crew member is terminated he is taken under guard back to the airport and only given his or her passport once on the plane as their C1 D1 visas are null and void.

That is what I was expecting. Nobody came to talk to me that night and I remember just sitting there, waiting for the inevitable. I had no qualms about what I had done. I hate bullying, always have and always will and so while it was the end of my career I felt at peace with myself for having protected little Aslim who had made the simple mistake of dropping a few drinks.

The ship docked. Still nothing. It was just me and my best mate Jose the deck hand. I wished someone would hurry up and just fire me and get this over with.

Eventually there was a knock at the door and there stood Roger Blum, the then director of operations and Brendan Corrigan, the vice president of pperations. Bloody hell I thought, I am really in the sh*t.

But I wasn’t. Roger told me what I had done was wrong but after listening to what Aslim the bar waiter had said that the ship and the office people realised I was protecting a crew member and that I had acted in self defence. I was told I had broken his nose and that his bollocks has shriveled up to the size of acorns and he had left the ship for medical treatment. And then came the shocker. I wasn’t just not fired, I was told that under the circumstances it would be better if I became a social host. And so later that morning I took my packed suit case to cabin 421 and moved into my new luxurious cabin that had its own private bathroom and my days of peeing in the sink were over and my days entertaining the guests had begun.

I never saw Oswaldo again as he and Carnival came to an agreement that it was best that he go home to Spain where I hope he is today living in peace and happiness with a nose as bent as a dog’s back leg. Aslim stayed with the company for a few more years and we lost touch but he never stopped thanking me and even today Indonesian crew seem to know about this story and still thank me for protecting one of their own.

I have Roger Blum to thank for this chance. Roger recently left Carnival after 33 years amazing service and now runs a very successful cruise and port consultancy company and we are still great friends today. But it’s thanks to him and people like Glenn Fusfield and the late and much missed Mr Zonis who saw past the English chap who was a dreadful bar waiter, an awful wine steward and who had broken the nose of a senior officer and gave him a chance to entertain Carnival passengers.

I should have been fired but they gave me that chance and I hope that this now fat, grey-haired cruise director hasn’t let them down and I will be eternally grateful for the chance they gave me.

I hope Oswaldo is OK and I am sorry I broke his nose. OK, that’s bollocks. I hope his face looks like he has run the 100 meter sprint in a 90 yard gym.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

There are indeed challenges at Christmas time and when you celebrate Christmas on board the ships, there are certainly challenges as well. Ask any crew member which are the most challenging cruises and it doesn’t matter which ship, the crew will most often cite a holiday cruise. Along with trans-Atlantic voyages where despite our best intentions some guests can get ……ummmm……….shall we say a bit grumpy……….Christmas is a difficult time and even with 25 years at sea under my belt, I have bugger all understanding of why. Don’t get me wrong, most of the guests will have a great time and the atmosphere on board is fantastic but there has been and will be again this year guests on every ship on every cruise line who if you allow me to be candid……….. are just not happy people. Yep, Christmas seems to bring out bad moods in many whether they be on land or at sea and our incident reports that log complaints on board always seem to take an upswing at Christmas time. But regardless the crew will all make sure that they do their best to provider every guest with some Christmas cheer and some Carnival fun.

I have to admit that for me working during Christmas was always challenging and certainly not just for the reason above. As I think many of you will realise family is more important to me than anything and I always feel for the crew who are away from theirs for the holiday season. I also had another fear at Christmas time. It’s a fear that is far worse than any guest complaining that the Christmas decorations offend her off that the turkey was as dry as a camel’s scrotum. And that’s the dreaded Christmas kiss, a show of affection which some guests, crew and, bizarrely, all Italian men think is mandatory at this time of year. As a fat bloke from Essex who never quite mastered the “Mwah, mwah” of the social greeting despite having worked among so many different nationalities and who believes that you should kiss only a) your children and b) the person you are having or want to have rumpy pumpy with, I always dreaded the sheer bloody awkwardness that comes before the kiss.

Christmas morning and New Year’s Eve, guests would come up to me and the whole ritual would start. The clashing heads, should I or shouldn’t I go for the other cheek too, the whiff of halitosis caused by the Mongolian Wok and a distant relationship with the toothbrush.

Now you may think I am making this up but I swear on all that I love that this is true. One Christmas cruise on the Carnival Triumph a guest gave me a Christmas kiss. It was a stealth attack, I never saw him coming. And obviously he was full of Christmas cheers because he kissed me full on the lips and tried to put his tongue in my mouth. I don’t know whether he was completely drunk but as his tongue tried to pierce my lips that were closed tighter than a camels arse in a sandstorm, I vowed then never to work another Christmas cruise ever again.

Time for today’s Q and A. Here we go.

Jennifer Reinhart asked:
Hey John,

I love your blog thingy first of all, and all of your Facebook updates! I have a question about our upcoming cruise. We are sailing February 4th out of Jacksonville on the Carnival Fascination. Sunday the 5th is Super Bowl Sunday! I have read that some ships will play the game on the big screen and have a special buffet…etc. The Carnival Fascination does not have the big screen- will it be played anywhere? And I think that this night would also be elegant night. If they did have something special would that interfere or would it be rescheduled?

Thanks John!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reinhart,

Thanks so much for saying how much you enjoy the blog and I hope you will continue to do so. The Carnival Fascination doesn’t have the Seaside Theatre big screen and so the Super Bowl game will be shown on the main theatre big screen instead. There will be food served, bar specials and much more as the crowd cheers the San Diego Dolphins to victory over the Detroit 49ers. As for elegant night this will be rescheduled to the day before or after and if you remind me a few weeks before you sail I will confirm which night for you. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Linda Alled asked:
Hello John,

Husband and I are sailing on our 13th Carnival cruise aboard the Carnival Dream on January 14th. Can you tell me who the cruise director will be for our cruise? Looking forward to another wonderful experience.

Thanks.

Linda

John says:
Hello Linda Alled,

Thanks so much for your loyalty to Carnival and congratulations on booking your next cruise which is now just two months away. The CD for your cruise will be Gary Brierly who is a young man from the UK and definitely someone who will really do his best to make sure you have the best of times. If there is anything else I can do for you please let me know. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

David Straub asked:

During a recent cruise on the Carnival Freedom myself and the rest of the passengers were awoken at 5:20am by an announcement made over the public address system. It was a coded alert that I guess the workers understood but it left me and my wife and no doubt the other passengers in fear. No explanation was made until the following day when our cabin steward told us that there had been a medical emergency on board and that the announcement was for the medical staff. Why was this not explained at the time? Why did the captain not tell his passengers that there was nothing to worry about and why did we the passengers have to be woken up?

John says:
Hello David Straub,

Thanks for taking the time to write and let me first of all apologise for what happened although obviously the “bright star” announcement was needed as a guest was in trouble and needed immediate help. The quickest way to get the doctors, nurses and stretchers bearers there is to make an announcement. I can understand that an announcement made that early and with no warning can be disturbing and I understand that some guests may be concerned. However I assure you that had there been any situation that the guests needed to know about, a situation that affected everyone, then that information would have been relayed to you immediately. So I apologise that you were disturbed and I am sure that like me your primary concern is for the patient and like me you hope he or she made a speedy recovery thanks to the instant action of our on board medical team. I do hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

C. Goodling asked:

If you continue to relax your dress codes then I fear your ships will become a setting of common squalor where the waiters are better dressed than the passengers and you will lose many more passengers like you have lost me. It is to the gold standard of Celebrity and RCCL that this seven-time Carnival cruiser will head if you allow jeans and other blue collar clothing on formal nights. Where are your standards Mr. Heald and Mr. Cahill?

John says:
Hello C. Gooding,

Thank you for your loyalty thus far and I sincerely hope that there will be an eighth Carnival cruise despite your reservations on dress codes. Things these days are more relaxed and not just at Carnival but on other lines and on land based vacation centers as well. We still have dress codes on elegant night. However, in my honest opinion while we need standards of no ripped jeans and no shorts for dinner on any night I don’t think it is for us or for anyone to state what someone has to wear while they are on vacation. Is it a “setting of common squalor” no, of course it isn’t. Is it a relaxed atmosphere where thousands of guests each and every week enjoy exceptional value and a fun and relaxing vacation? Yes it is and I hope that you will consider these things and come and have fun with us again. If there is anything I can do to help you decide to do this, please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Daryl Wright asked:

I have had five cruises with Carnival…all great. With that said, have you considered the fact that not everyone uses Facebook and we are not interested in using it? I feel your leaving so many people out. Seems most of your videos, questions, etc. are all aimed at the Facebook crowd. The rest of us never see the answers. All we get to see is the people crying about which table they can get at dinner, or what you can give them for free. It’s a shame the rest of us are left out…like the red headed stepchild. Think about it, and thank you for all the great work you do.

John says:
Hello Daryl Wright,

I realise that since I have started my Facebook page that I have tried to balance the breaking news, videos and interviews between Facebook and this blog. For the most part I think I have but I realise that there are times when I do include more news on Facebook than here on the blog. I guess that’s because Facebook is instant. News comes in and I can post it straight away and answer questions straight away as well. But I have to remember that not everyone has a Facebook account and I will try to do that Daryl. Thanks so much for your understanding and for your kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Nancy asked:

While I am sure it’s not a big thing to most Carnival customers it is to me. John, like you I am obese and as you know I am sure obese people sweat and need cold conditions. I was on the Carnival Fascination in cabin R127 and the air conditioning was terrible. I called and complained every day and the crew people said that it was 69 degrees which was acceptable levels. At home my AC is set for a constant 62 degrees and yet when I asked for this temperature I was told it was impossible. This is not good customer service and I am sure you John can understand how this ruined my cruise.

John says:
Hello Nancy,

Yes indeed, I can understand Nancy as I love a cold room myself. However I do have to say that the ship runs an air conditioning system that is controlled by central generators and certainly 69 degrees is a normal temperature for the staterooms and turning it down further is not always possible. I am sure the crew did everything they could and I am very sorry that they were unable to do so. I do hope that you had fun though and enjoyed your cruise. Thanks for writing and I will pass your comments to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Eddie Fisher asked:
Dear John,

What a fantastic cruise and thank you so much for helping our family with a table reservation and the kids loved their trophies. You are now a star in their eyes and I thank you for being such a giving person. The other stars of the cruise were Ivana our waitress and her assistant Putu and our now friend and cabin stewardess Anna who made us feel so special each time we would come back to our cabin. The only downside was the rough seas on the first two days but the crew of the Carnival Dream made sure we all had a wonderful time. This was our second Carnival cruise and we will all be back in July on Valor. Thank you John from Eddie, Grace, Brandon and summer.

John says:
Hello Eddie Fisher,

Thank you for that fantastic post and the crew you mentioned are going to be thrilled when they see this. I am glad the kids liked their trophies and I am so happy that you are coming back to us again and sailing on the Carnival Valor. If there is anything I can do for you before you cruise again please let me know.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Debbie Sturgeon asked:
Hi John!

I am new to your blogging site so I hope I am not repeating any questions. I actually have three unrelated questions (sorry). First of all, I am booking cruise #’s 10 and 11 this week for next spring and summer. Cruise #10 will be in May. Will we still be able to get Platinum status or will that change before then? Question 2 is about the comedy club. We are sailing on the Carnival Liberty in July and wondered if the times are changing with the club since the whole George Lopez taking over thing? I can’t wait! Question 3, my in-laws are taking this cruise with us and I wondered if it’s an appropriate cruise for elderly people. We are going to Half Moon Cay, Grand Turk, San Juan and St. Thomas. I am hoping there is something for them to do in the first two ports! Thanks for your blog and all you do. I LOVE it!!

John says:
Hello Debbie Sturgeon,

Welcome to the blog and thanks for writing to me. I am here to answer questions and please never worry if they have been asked before. The new loyalty program will be starting sometime next year and regardless of when it does your status will not be affected and you being this close to being Platinum based on the current levels means you will be Platinum regardless of the new formula. So nothing to worry about there in fact there is plenty to be excited about. The Punchliner comedy club format is not changing and show times are the same. George Lopez is going to help us with some new aspects of the comedy club including finding new and exciting talent but the basics will remain the same. Your parents in law are going to have a brilliant time and enjoy the ship and the ports of call. Have a look at the excursions we offer and if you have any questions as to which are appropriate for them please let me know. Have a wonderful cruise and please remember to ask me if you need anything.

Best wishes.

John

Andrew & Laura asked:
Hi John,

We’ve just returned from a fantastic cruise on the Carnival Magic, and since we didn’t receive a comment card I wondered if you could pass some feedback to the ship and some more to the beards for us. This was our fourth cruise on Carnival and we absolutely loved the Magic. We wanted to pass some thanks back to Wayan, our waiter in the dining room, who was always so friendly and made us feel so welcome. Also to Mel who led the Behind the Fun tour and did a brilliant job. This was one of the best tours we’ve ever taken and it was so interesting to meet the people who work behind the scenes to make our cruise so enjoyable and see the way that they took so much pride in their work even though they aren’t in the public eye. We also really enjoyed the production shows on this cruise. Although Carnival is our favourite cruise line, we have been a little disappointed by some of the shows in the past. Not so on the Carnival Magic, where the shows are some of the most amazing we’ve ever seen – on or off a cruise ship.

Finally, for our feedback for the beards. We have sailed with several other cruise lines and have noticed that over the last few years, they’ve been gradually removing some of the things that make the cruise so special. We didn’t notice any of this on Carnival – the food in the dining room was still fantastic, we still got towel animals every day and still got chocolates on our pillow every night. Although these seem like minor things that could easily be cut to save some money, they really make a difference to how special the cruise feels and will keep us coming back to Carnival, so we just wanted to say please don’t change anything going forward! Secondly, we wanted to ask if a survey could be sent to every guest in the future. We know that an email survey is sent to a random sample of guests after the cruise, but when you’ve had a great time on a cruise (or I guess if you’ve had a bad time), you want to feel that you can give your feedback and make your voice heard. It’s therefore disappointing not to be able to comment. In 2011, I’m sure that the overhead of processing electronic surveys for the entire ship rather than a sample must be fairly insignificant, so it would be great if these could be brought back for everyone who wants to fill them in.

Thanks John, and thanks for the blog which we love reading.

John says:
Hello Andrew and Laura,

Let’s start with a huge thank you for taking the time to post this. I know that some guests that don’t receive a guest review card are frustrated and I wish I could say that this was going to change but it isn’t. I have asked the beards and will certainly ask again but the current system of sending reviews to only 40% of the guests and sending them online is not going to change anytime soon. That’s why I am glad that you have taken the time to write about these great people and they will love seeing their names in print. We realise the little things like you mentioned do make a big difference and I promise we are not going to take any of them away. In fact, there will be more coming your way as I will tell you about next year. Thanks again for writing and I am so glad you had a great time and the staff and crew of the Carnival Magic will be thrilled as well.

Best wishes.

John

Jeff asked:
Hello John,

How are you today? I would like to know if Carnival offers a military discount program for current or prior military personnel. If not are they going to look into starting one? If they have one in place how do you use it and why it isn’t an option when booking a cruise on line. I am asking this because I am service connected disabled veteran and have been on a few cruises and am currently booked on the Carnival Conquest for January 8, booking ****** and would like to have this information for future cruises. Thank you for all you do to help make our cruises more enjoyable.

Thank you again.

Jeff Rees

John says:
Hello Jeff Rees,

Yes indeed we proudly do have a military discount and may I please suggest that you contact a travel agent or one our personal vacation planners at Carnival so that we can explain all about this and what we offer. Thank you so much for your service and I wish you the most fantastic cruise. If there is anything I can do for you please make sure you let me know.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and I look forward to another week of comments and opinions…

I want to talk about the trans-Atlantic crossing of the Carnival Magic in a moment but first let’s talk about a ship that has completed that journey many, many times. I am of course talking about the Queen Mary 2.

She is surely one of the greatest ships ever built and certainly she is the ship that saved Cunard. Indeed, people with much greater understanding of this industry have said that without Carnival’s purchase of Cunard and the courage to build the brand a new ship then Cunard would become like Concorde and spoken only of in the history books. You know, I wish I could have seen Concorde take off and land and of course like many I wish I could have flown on her although maybe not considering I would have had to have asked for a seat belt extension. But whenever the hook nosed, sleek machine took off and landed from you knew there would be crowds of admirers and people who would be standing on the observation deck dreaming that they were one of the pop stars or business beards who would experience the thrill of traveling faster than the speed of…well…….everything.

But now………it’s gone.

I don’t feel sorry for the people with beards who now need eight hours to get across the Atlantic. I do, however, feel sorry for the plane itself. It’s sitting in some shed now, wondering what it has done wrong and why it has been put on the naughty step……Why did it not fly yesterday and why is there no sense that it will fly today? Why is nobody tinkering with its engines, filling its refrigerators with Dom Perignon and vacuuming its bespoke leather seats in case Megan Fox puts her gorgeous bottom on one?

There hasn’t been anything to replace Concorde in the sky although I hear the new Airbus380 is pretty impressive. But there is one mode of transport that has the same affect on people as Concorde once had and that is indeed The Queen Mary 2. She has taken on the role of the most iconic mode of luxurious transportation .Yes there are bigger ships but bugger all can compare to the Queen Mary 2. Like her sister the Queen Elizabeth 2 and Concorde before her, wherever she goes she is joined by a new breed of dreamers and well wishers who stand on piers in Australia and Southampton, New York and Newfoundland all wanting to catch a glimpse of the Queen. She is eight years old now and has just returned from her refit in Germany and I would like you to see two superb behind the scenes videos made by the Cunard team and hosted by the ship’s sauvé and perfectly manicured Entertainment Director Paul O’ Loughlin.

It’s fascinating to see and also get ready for a glimpse of one of the most amazing suites at sea and the star of the show the ship herself which in the second video the master of the Queen Mary 2 will show you ……… out of the water and that is something quite extraordinary. So enjoy these and we will talk about Trans Atlantic voyages afterwards.

It seems that Cunard has mastered the art of trans-Atlantic crossings and given that we typically only host these voyages whenever we have a new ship, our experience is somewhat limited. That said, I’ve seen a few less-than-stellar comments on the blog and on Facebook, mostly about of our entertainment and activity offerings. I have been a CD on three crossings and as I said at the start of the blog today, it seems that on some of these trans-Atlantic cruises some guests for whatever reason are pretty miserable before they walked up the gangway and wouldn’t have been happy if we had upgraded them to a penthouse, resurrected Frank Sinatra to perform the shows and allowed them to eat dinner out of George Clooney’s belly button.

But this is of course only a small percentage of the problem. The main reason we got complaints is because simply, there were some areas that weren’t up to par. It would be easy to say that we are not the Queen Mary 2 and that we don’t have a library with 6,000 books in it and guest lecturers as they do.

What we need to do though is work out what we can do better with the facilities we have and provide a better experience for those who sail on these voyages.

I’m not going to get into specific complaints but reports from the ship indicate that everyone was pretty happy in Europe and visiting the ports but it’s when we began the days at sea that many guests seemed to get a bit grumpy as to be honest, we didn’t have as many activities planned as we should have. Now I blame myself for this, really I do. Now don’t get me wrong, James Charlton did an outstanding job as cruise director and I received many glowing reports about him. However, it was me that was supposed to be there for the crossing and I know I let many down by not being there. I don’t mean to sound big-headed, it’s just that the crossing was my responsibility and I should really have been there to host what I already knew was going to be a challenging cruise which was only compounded by weather issues and a technical problem.

So where do we go from here? We can’t add another 1,000 books to the library and we can’t control the weather but we can expand the entertainment and activity options going forward to make our guests happy. We certainly have room for improvement so and would love to hear from you and so would the beards. What you would like to see different and what activities would you like to see added to the trans-Atlantic crossing of the Carnival Breeze (a voyage that I will certainly be on). I have already heard from some of you and many of your suggestions have been well noted. If you have anything you wish to say then this is your forum and myself and the beards want to hear from you. Please help us if you can.

So just to poop (spelt correctly) back to the Christmas theme one more time because there is something else that I need to get off my man boobs. This is Kye’s first proper Christmas. At the age of 2½, she has thanks to her forthcoming kindergarten Nativity play, a vague understanding of the baby Jesus, appreciates the Christmas tree (unlike last year when she kept trying to eat pine needles) and understands that, provided she finishes all her vegetables, she will be receiving some “prethenths.”

But faithful blog reader, I have a question. Just how many presents is enough? The dilemma is this — do I give in to excess, spoil her rotten and risk corrupting her? Or do I agree with my wife Heidi and take a firm stance and just get her one present? After much decision and because Heidi is the boss and I am scared of her and the pointed tip of her shoe I’ve gone for the latter. My daughter may already be famous in the cruise industry and spoiled by so many wonderful people who read my musings but it’s one present and that’s that. I shall spare her a Christmas lecture about world hunger; but otherwise it’ll be one big present, a Christmas stocking and that’s it. Oh all right, perhaps just one more Peppa Pig toy……….and it would be heartless of me not to let her watch her favorite TV program on the new Sony 60 inch High Definition TV………..wouldn’t it?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I have a feeling that this particular organization will survive, I really do. You see in the UK we still have High Street and shopping mall travel agents. These I think have mostly disappeared in North America but here in the UK they are alive and really are a British institution. One of the things that they specialise in are beach vacations in faraway lands for very low prices. And they use something else which many other vacation companies have stopped using as well………..the brochure. I know some of you lament the passing of the old glossy travel brochure but I am not one of them mainly because of the unrealistic and eerily similar photos. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if all big travel companies use the same photograph of the same palm tree to illustrate each beach. It’s the same story with the people on the beach. They’re always dressed in silk and they are much thinner than the actual people you encounter on the beach. Carnival used to do that to some degree, as well. Remember the old Carnival TV commercials and printed brochures from the 90s? We would have supermodel beauties and gorgeous men in the piano bar sitting around the piano, dressed in tuxedos and Armani long flowing gowns drinking champagne. I never was fond of those commercials and always wanted to make one of my own. Where were the regular, not-as-attractive people? There are always Mr. and Mrs. Average in the piano bar. And where were the guests drinking beer and shooting slippery nipples. Where was the slightly drunk older lady who whispers to the male guest next to her that he makes her tingle and he loudly replies that it’s because one of her breasts was in the ash tray.

All the cruise lines brochures were the same as well and all had to include a photo of romantic evenings at a table for two set up, especially for you, on a balcony. Let me tell you something about eating on a balcony at night. I did it once. I got them to set a table up on the Carnival Legend and its nothing like you would think. The CD cabins on the Spirit class have balconies and I asked for a table to be set up for Heidi and I. First of all there is bugger all room and it’s actually as romantic as a turd in a Jacuzzi. And it’s windy. And there is nothing on God’s green earth that kills the urges to have rumpy pumpy quite as dramatically as a strong winds blowing onto your balcony ………after a few minutes Heidi’s hair looked like she had just rented a moped and everything you put in your mouth tastes of sea salt, including Heidi.

Now then there is the ocean. Look we all do this Carnival, Princess Norwegian Graffiti Line and the Nation of Bugger Off or whatever their commercials call them these days. Hotels do it, Caribbean resorts do it, we all sodding well do it. We always make the sea as blue, inviting and calm and it makes us want to jump in right away…….naked… But you never see someone emerging from the Caribbean Sea when shouting “What the hell was that?” because they have been stung by the occasional jelly fish and unless Calvyn is on the beach offering to go on the wound you are buggered. Plus, all the luxury resorts always show flower petals spread over your bed at night and, too many scented candles and bugger all on television. So if we do bring back brochures we must for reality sake include normal people in the piano bar and the CD must not look like Brad Pitt but look like a man with grey hair who has swallowed a beach ball.

Time for today’s Q and A………here we go.

Bill Mandel asked:

About 20 months ago you wrote that you had not yet read Brian Bruns’ book “Cruise Confidential.” I’ve now read that book and its sequel “Ship for Brains.” These books give a very interesting you-are-there understanding of ship culture below decks. I really gained a strong respect and appreciation for the work done by the crew and the tough conditions under which they operate. If you’ve read the books by now, I’d appreciate your reaction. If not, I seriously recommend them to you. Thanks for your attention and all your comments. (I’m sailing on Freedom in January.)

John says:
Hello Bill Mandel,

Thanks for your post Bill and in fact I have read parts of Cruise Confidential and as those who worked with the author will tell you it is 90% fiction and 10% fact. It’s a well written book I will give you that but I know the author well and I can tell you that while I admire his writing skills he is a fictional author. I have worked at sea for 25 years and I can assure you that most of what he describes didn’t happen, doesn’t happen and won’t happen. Remember that I was onboard with him during the period he describes. I hope people will buy the book but I hope they will treat it as a fictional tale because in my opinion and the opinion of many, that is exactly what it is. Thanks for writing and I wish you a fantastic time on the Carnival Freedom.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Johnston asked:
Dear John,

Recently, (The Sept 25th cruise), we went on a little Mediterranean Cruise aboard the Carnival Magic. I cannot say enough about the staff on board the Carnival Magic. We had put together a party of some 15 people from around North America. Perhaps I need to start from the beginning. The personal vacation planner we originally started with somehow one day was no longer there a Kimberly May step in as our vacation planner, gathered all of our records and handled all of our needs and coordinated everything for us. When we arrived at the ship, check-in was a breeze and on board we were immediately met by our cabin steward Antinno. Who along with his entire staff fulfilled our every room need. I had asked in advance for you to pre-arranged some ships on a stick which were awaiting us in the room and used for various competitions amongst the group, including an unexpected competition at the RedFrog Pub. Then we went to dinner. Here we were impressed again by the table which awaited us. We had asked if it were possible that we (15 of us) at least have two tables close to each other. We were all seated together at one tong table in the dead center of the aft of the ship watching sunsets every night as we cruised to our next port. Here we were delightfully served by a staff led by Danielle. Not only was Danielle and his staff a delight to have served us he took it upon himself to even to entertain us with some table magical fun. Lets us not forget the Maître d’ on the second level who made it by our table more than once during the cruise Then there were the days at sea where we found a wonderful home at the RedFrog Pub. It became our meeting place and there we found a wonderful person who almost became our personal waiter. He was from the island of St Kitts I believe, and always made us feel at home.

People can complain all that they want. In our group we had one purse pick-pocketed robbery happen, we had a return boat trip missed from a tour, who obtained another way back and didn’t miss the ship, During the cruise we had a detour for a couple of medical evacuations we even had a choking happen on some food, not to mention it rained our first day in Barcelona and was cloudy on the day we left. From reading your blog that’s many reasons for people to complain. I am sure that Carnival was responsible for everything that happens — the weather, the pick pockets, the sickness. Sorry, not here, not today. That’s simply nuts. Carnival proved time and time again that they provide not only quality service but quality FUN. Not one item could be blamed on Carnival other than a great trip and great fun. Several of us have cruised four or five times on Carnival. Perhaps not on the top of your list as “preferred” customers. Some even with other lines. But not one of us would be complaining about the things that Carnival has no control over. Because the things that Carnival does control they do, so very right. We are all looking forward to our next Carnival cruise hopefully in 2013.

By the way, most of us were wearing shirts which we had made prior to our trip, couldn’t count the number of times we could of sold them.

On behalf of our entire group I would like to stay Thank You to you and your staff plus the staff of the Carnival Magic for making it possible to have a “magical” experience in Europe. I know that’s an overused word, but never the less it is the appropriate word. Some of the people you deal with onboard and in the blog, well let’s just say their elevators do not go all the way up to the top floor. Just realize that for every dummy or rude in considerate person you deal with there’s hundreds that do not speak that will carry nothing but wonderful positive memories for their entire life. All created by Carnival.

Sometimes people need to realize that it’s the team that makes it all work and everyone I met worked hard to bring even the smallest of smiles to people’s faces. As a Brit you often use the term “brilliant.” Well Carnival has out done itself with the Carnival Magic. The ship, the crew the support staff all are “brilliant” and from all of us,

Thank You.

Dennis Johnston

John says:
Hello Dennis Johnston,

What a fantastic advertisement for the Carnival Magic, her crew and the European cruise experience your post is. I am going to make sure that everyone who needs to see this will and they will enjoy reading it as I did. It is easy sometimes to forget that for every one person who is not happy with what we offer there are many hundreds who are so thank you for that kind reminder. I am so glad you had fun and I hope that you and your friends will consider doing it all over again on the Carnival Breeze next year.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Jessica Bogan asked:
Mr. Heald,

I hope you’re doing well, sir! I know you are extremely busy, so I will get straight to the point. I am sending you a note in regards to being a previous Carnival employee. I was a social host onboard the Carnival Triumph from 11/07 to 5/08. I realize that most ex-social hosts would go on any other vacation than a cruise, but I have to admit that I still love cruising! My parents are platinum guests and we have been cruising for years and years. I’ve been on two cruises since my contract on the Carnival Triumph and we will be cruising on the Carnival Magic January 15th. I am just curious if there are any perks that Carnival might consider for ex-employees. The only thing I am aware of is family/friend discounts for persons currently employed, but what about something for someone in my position? I figured this is a long shot, but it was worth asking. Maybe some kind of shore excursion discount, bar discount, anything? Thanks in advance for your time, I don’t want to take too much of it!

Cheers,

Jessica Bogan

John says:
Hello Jessica Bogan,

Thanks for writing and I truly hope you enjoyed your time as an entertainment staff member and it’s no surprise that you still enjoy cruising. While we don’t have any discounts for ex-employees if you want to send me your cabin number on my Facebook page two days before you sail I will be happy to send you something to wish you a great time. Thanks Jessica and I wish you much success in the future.

Best wishes.

John

Joe D asked:
John,

I am asking for a favor from you to help make my cruise special. We are taking my daughter on a cruise on the 12/30 cruise on Carnival Imagination. This will be the first New Year since she lost her fiancé who was killed in Afghanistan while serving with the US Army. Please could we have a table for three as I am sure emotions will be running high and I think it best that we dine by ourselves? Thanks John, I have just discovered your blog and it is fun and informative and you seem like a person with a big heart so I hope you can get this done. I didn’t know what details you needed so here is our booking number and names. Thank you John.

John says:
Hello Joe D,

I was so saddened to read this and I am sure the cruise is indeed going to be one of mixed emotion. I will contact the ship and make sure that you have your table as requested. I send my best wishes to you all and I hope that the cruise will bring you some valuable family time.

Best wishes to you all and my deepest sympathies to your daughter.

John

Bernie Calvelli asked:
Dear John

Do you know what ship Captain Rassello will be on in 2012. My husband and I were on the Carnival Glory with him and discovered that he is from Procida in Italy and that’s where my parents were born. We became good friends and had been emailing each other but I think he may have changed his e mail as I cannot seem to get hold of him. We want to book a cruise again and would love to be on the ship with Captain Rassello.

John says:
Hello Bernie Calvelli,

He is a wonderful man isn’t he and I was just with him on the Carnival Magic. His schedule says that he is due to return to the Carnival Magic in a few weeks time and past that I don’t know where he is going. I think its best that I send Captain Rassello your e-mail address so that he can contact you and you can hopefully work out a way for you to sail together. Please let me know if you have any other questions and I hope you get to work this out.

Best wishes.

John

Mr. Chris asked:

You wrote about rum runners on your blog today and I wanted you to know that last month on the Carnival Freedom I used water bottles for clear alcohol and nail glue to seal the space between the cap and the little ring that separates when you open the bottle. Looks like an unopened water bottle and fooled your security staff. No way am I paying your stupid prices on drinks and as you will see from this link, the rum runners are winning the battle.

John says:
Hello Mr. Cheap,

I am sorry that I can’t post your link but I have an agreement with myself not to post anything from Cruise Critic. As for your successful smuggling mission I send you my warmest congratulations as I do to everyone who manages to smuggle liquor onboard. Oh when I say congratulations I mean congratulations for coming across as though you are 16 years old because if that’s what you intended, it worked. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Mel Bettencourt asked:
John,

Does Carnival employ dance hosts like Holland America Lines. I have worked for them many times and would like to offer my services to Carnival but am not sure who to contact. Can you help?

John says:
Hello Mel Bettencourt,

I know that Holland America has a very successful dance host program but unfortunately Carnival has nothing similar. I hope you continue to use your skills to allow people to dance and for what it’s worth I think it’s a great asset to the Holland America ships.

Best wishes.

John

Terri asked:
Hi John!

First time poster here. We will be on the Carnival Pride on 2/5/12. My husband is on a restricted sodium diet. I was wondering if he will be able to keep to his 1000mg per day requirement. Also, we are a party of 10. Will we be able to sit together in the dining room? Our reservations are linked. TIA!

John says:
Hello Terri,

Thanks for writing and may I suggest that you call our special needs desk at Carnival as soon as you can so that they can help plan your husband’s meals accordingly. I am sure that we can help make sure he receives the proper food to keep him well. If your bookings are linked then it should not be a problem for you to sit together. Please drop me a line here or on Facebook if you have any questions or concerns.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Tim D. asked:
Hey John!

I truly enjoy your blog…thanks for your hard work on it. Quick question: My family and I will be on the Carnival Magic for the May 6 sailing from Galveston (my first platinum cruise) any chance you’ll still be CD then, or will you be off to the Carnival Breeze? It certainly would make it an awesome cruise if you were CD as I truly enjoy your style and humor.

Thanks!

Tim

John says:
Hello Tim D,

You may have seen that yesterday I posted the CD schedule and from that seen that I won’t be on the Carnival Magic with you. Instead, Butch will be the cruise director and will make sure you have a brilliant time. Thanks so much for the kind words and I hope we sail together one day soon.

Best wishes

John

That’s all for today.

You know this week I seem to have had more than my fair share of negative postings and complaints. Some were things we need to act on and we will and some are comments that make you think I can’t believe we did that, what were we thinking. I have always said from day one of this blog that I would share the good the bad and the mistakes we make and I think I have lived up to that promise. But…..but when you receive comments written with pure hatred and ones that seem so ridiculously petty then I have to think outside of my apologetic fruit basket giving box.

I mean, what happens when you encounter the most difficult of guests who complains endlessly about everything Carnival does and has made it his or her mission through blogs and Facebook and critical websites? Sometimes I think the answer may be just to say goodbye. Not me — them.

You know if a guest writes to because they had a genuine complaint, dealing with it is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship and hopefully get them back on the ships soon so we can turn their bad experience around. That’s what I try and do as a cruise director and that’s what I try to do here sitting in my underpants apologising and helping correct the situations that have arisen. However, I have come to realise that there are a few people who are simply being awkward. We see it here don’t we usually when people post under a silly name rather than using their real names and we see it onboard when people who have missed a port say things like “the only reason we booked this cruise was to go to ______ .” More and more then on the blog and on Facebook I am starting to think if this guest is really the type of customer Carnival wants. Harsh words I know, but words I am starting to consider more and more. I have been writing this blog for four years now and for the first time these past few days I have read comments about how hateful Carnival is because we took canapés away and replaced them with chocolate covered strawberries and I have read posts calling crew the most horrible names and posts that some of the time are outright lies. It’s then that I think is this the sort of person who complains no matter what you do and if that’s the case maybe I should say “Well bugger off to another cruise line then.” But of course I can’t say that and I don’t but occasionally I really do feel like saying it. The guest is always right and myself and the shipboard and shore side people will continue to work under that parameter. However, more and more I am beginning to understand that Carnival and I cannot be all things to all people.

It’s not often I get to talk about the entire Carnival shore side employees but I need to sing their praises today. Each and every one of them is such an important part to your cruise and without them we would not be the number one cruise line. Earlier this week, our President and CEO Gerry Cahill held his annual Town Hall meetings for shoreside employees and talked about the Fun Ship 2.0 program and what an amazing year it’s been. This was held in the large cafeteria at CCL HQ and after that the patio area of the company’s cafeteria was transformed into a mini RedFrog Pub complete with food, games and our own ThirstyFrog Red Beer.

Take a look…..

Thanks to PR department, especially our mates Vance and Joyce, for those great shots and thanks to the hard working people at Carnival for all that they do and all they will do.

Today, I have the wonderful task of buying the Christmas tree. Now, Heidi insists that we must have a real Christmas tree and later today we visit many garden centers looking for the perfect specimen. Then, as usual, I will carry the bloody thing to the car, it will be too big and we will not be able to close the trunk and then I will have to tie the trunk lid to the bottom of the car to allow half a Norwegian rainforest to stick out the back.

Then, I will have to carry the tree in the house and will no doubt cut myself on the pines and while blood is dripping from my wound I will be assigned to the doghouse because I have either bent one of the branches during transportation or allowed to many of the pine needles to drop on the floor. Of course, the pain and suffering will continue as I have to stand holding the damn thing while Heidi examines the tree from all angles to make sure it is standing as straight as Tiger Woods gentlemen’s sausage. Now, none of this procedure can take place until Heidi has put on her favorite Christmas song on the CD player so my pain is doubled as I have to listen to the God-awful George Michael and the other one from Wham Christmas album.

Then, once the tree is straight and Heidi has approved the position the real hell begins as we start to decorate the tree. My job, is to stand holding the box of balls and things which we have once again spent a billion pounds on this year. I did ask why we cannot use the same ones every year and I was told that Christmas tree decoration is like fashion……….it changes every year. So, this year we have a red and silver motif and I am sure that as usual I will be standing holding the box for hours as Heidi does her thing and festoons the tree with various Christmas delights. And of course now we have Kye, aged 2 so the delights of her enjoying the decoration will make up for the agony I am sure. I don’t know why we have bothered with tinsel this year. All three of us have colds so it would be cheaper if we just sneezed over the tree.

Then tomorrow I have to go and buy Kye’s presents and despite bollockings from Heidi and my parents I am going to spoil her, bugger it. I don’t see her for many weeks at a time and I guess this is a way for me to not feel so guilty although it really doesn’t. Anyway it’s off to Toys R Us and to pick up a few last bits. I hate that store as I hate it when you get hit in the face by a remote controlled micro-helicopter the moment you walk through the door and the fact that there is something quite creepy about a near 50 year old man knowing exactly where I can find Barbie’s nurses uniform.

Then I have to get my sister something and that’s easy because this brilliant city girl who holds down a massively responsible job in a bank thingy now lives for just two things, her family and her two horses. So that’s easy then, I will be buying her anything with a photo of a horse on it. God, she is crazy for these two four legged creatures. Every morning she must go and clear huge piles of poo from the stables, and she has to spend the afternoon combing it and plaiting its tail and feeding it sugar lumps. And then each night, as she get into bed, each bruise and aching joint serves as a painful reminder to the fact that even though she was treating it like a princess it gave her a swift kick in the kneecap as a thank you. Horses it seems take over your life as completely as hemorrhoids. You can think of nothing else.

More importantly in Brussels, which is the capital of the most boring country in the world, the heads of the European governments are trying to save the Euro. This is obviously important because………….ummmm……. well it just is and men with beards and the German chancellor who has a beard under her arms will be there trying to save it from collapse and bringing the world back in to the “R” word………..no not rumpy pumpy………recession. Now while they are there chatting about the Euro I thought since as Carnival is heading back to Europe in 2012 that we could help out with some other stuff as well. How about they standardise how to get electricity out of the bloody wall? In the old days I used to travel on vacation or business with some hemorrhoid cream and soap on a rope but now we I need to charge the batteries for my, raspberry, lap top, Eyepad and electric toothbrush all of which need a vast array of plugs and adaptors, so much so that you need an extra suitcase just for these. This has meant that when I travel I need more and more suitcase room. I remember the days when I would travel to a ship with just one small case and had developed a routine where one pair of underpants would last me five days. You wear them the proper way round for the first two days. On day three wear them back to front. Day four and five you wear them inside out.

But of course it’s the socket in the wall that makes you want to eat your own hair in a fit of madness and frustration as I discovered during my time when I was in the Baltic ports. It seems every time I go to Europe it’s the same bollocks each time. Every time I pack for my trip I look like a roadie for Maroon 5. Europe could learn from America where every state has the same socket, now that’s sensible.

Oh, and while we are at it, why can’t hotel elevators be the same all over the world…why can’t they all have a button that says “G”….that’s the ground floor, that’s where the reception is and that’s where you know to get off. However, some have “1,″ some have “L” some have “R” and by the time you have figured out what button to press you have ridden the elevator up and down for an hour before finally ending up in the boiler room.

Europe though as our cruise ship guests learned this year on the Carnival Magic is certainly not united and while many have adopted the Monopoly-looking Euro as the currency they remain defiant that they will not take the best bits of other countries and adopt their polices for themselves.

For example Germany, the U.K., Finland etc all have strict Customs officers standing to meet you when you dock. I would like to see these countries adopt the Italian system ………. i.e ………bugger all system at all…………everyone just walks through while Officer Pier Luigi fixes is hair and looks at bottoms.

Toilets…….ahh….. the winners here are the efficient Germans. Never wanting to waste anything they have two buttons on the toilet. One for a regular pee or a pre dinner poop and a second button which sends down a Niagara style gush of water guaranteed to remove even the most stubborn log.

Finally, there should be a European and Universal whipping boy to be the butt of everyone’s jokes. The Brits have the Irish, The Irish have the Brits, The Swedish have the Norwegians, The Dutch have the Belgians and the Germans have the Austrians……well, it would be nice if we all had one currency and one socket in the wall and it would be a stronger European Union ………. if we all made fun of the French.

Thanks for a great week and despite the few negative comments and my rant a bit earlier in the blog today I remain here, dedicated to help as many people enjoy the best vacation in the world.

Goodnight

Your friend

John

However there is something worse than being short and that’s being fat, like me. And the time that being fat is the worst apart from seeing yourself naked in the mirror is when I have to go shopping. It’s an awful experience, it really is. Now in America you have lots of clothing shops designed for the big chaps and they have great names like Rochester Big and Tall. But we don’t have these shops in the UK and if we do they have names like High and Mighty or Fat Larry’s Clothing Emporium and I hate, hate, hate going into those shops. So I go to normal clothing shops and find something I like, a T-shirt or a pair of jeans and then I go through the piles to see if there is one in my size. And even if by some miracle there is an XXXL, it’s still suitable only for a hamster. So there I was in the shop and I found a casual shirt that had the right number of Xs on the label. Now had Heidi not been with me I would have bought it right there and then but she was with me which meant I had to try it on. So I left Heidi and Kye and headed to the changing room which made one of those tiny NCL single cabins look huge.

Anyway, I tried on the shirt and surprisingly the buttons didn’t explode as I expanded my stomach. Hooray, it fit. Booo…….it didn’t. That’s because the designer of this shirt had thought that people with ample stomachs must have ridiculously long arms. My arms are, well, normal length and certainly guests do not point at me and make baboon noises when I walk out on stage. I was so pissed off. The shirt fit over my stomach, it didn’t have “sleeps three” written down the side like most of my clothes, I had bought it from a normal store and not from Captain Chunks, yet the only person who could wear this shirt would have been that Mr. Stretch chap from the Fantastic Four.

I am not alone in this. There is a lady who many of you know who also works for Carnival who while normally proportioned elsewhere has ridiculously large feet and she can’t get her shoes from Payless or her local mall. She has only two choices — become a hippie and walk around the Carnival office in bare feet or buy her shoes from a shop that caters to Shaquille O Neal.

So now to the main point of me writing this. I have lost some weight. I am still very much a “chubby wubby tub tub” which thanks to a Peppa Pig episode Kye now calls me but I need a new suit. I have three suits and two are striped ones that I have received comments here on the blog about as being far too big for me now. And so between that and a bollocking from Heidi it is time for me to buy a new one. Bugger!

As you probably know, I don’t like wearing suits. It is fine if you are trying to get a job or if you are Micky Arison addressing the board of directors, but I do not see why the world thinks you are being respectful just because your pants match your jacket. It’s bonkers in my opinion. But the world does think this way and as we still have elegant night and because Carnival doesn’t want its brand ambassador turning up for a press thingy in sweat pants and a Miami Heat T-shirt then I have to wear one now and then.

Now whereas I may, just may be able to find a T-shirt or casual shirt from a normal size persons shop I have sod all chance of buying a suit from there and so I have two choices. Go to buy one from a shop called Large And In Charge or have one made to measure. After much debate I decided to go and see a local tailor and get one made to measure and that was a huge sodding mistake. I just returned this morning from my first “fitting” and all I could think about was how much blog material these 45 minutes spent standing in front of this mirror would give me.

Like all males who are reading this ( except Calvyn, obviously) , I want to get my clothes shopping done at the speed of light, but this is not possible at all when you are having something tailored. First of all, the man in the shop will want to measure every single part of your body and I’m afraid his tape measure is made by the people who make bathroom scales and. I don’t care what it says, bollocks do not have a 48 inch waist. After I had been humiliated and fondled by a man who spent far too much time measuring my “inside leg” I was given a huge book full of bits of material. And to me it all looked exactly the same. The tailor did his best to tell me the differences but at the end of the day I simply said “Can I have a blue one please?”

He then asked me about buttons and cut and single or double breasted or three height and the cuffs and where the pants should hit my show. Bloody hell, this wasn’t Saville Row or New York this was a small tailor shop in Southend On Sea, Essex. All these questions were getting on my nerves and probably because I was being asked questions on a subject I knew nothing about.
Eventually after an hour and 10 minutes I was done and I left the shop and here I am back in my underpants writing to you. But it’s not over yet as I have to come back for the fitting. I envy normal sized people. They can walk into a shop and select a suit that fits just fine and getting out again in 10 minutes. I have been there for what feels like days, and now a further day is needed for a fitting. Just because I am fat. It’s discrimination. That’s what it is.

Time for today’s Q and A………………off we go.

Marcus Allie asked:
John,

I asked you a few weeks ago for suggestions on what I could do for my son and daughter in law for their honeymoon cruise on the Carnival Liberty in January. I decided to get their cabin decorated but can’t find the decorations on the web site. Their names are Neil and Patricia and their booking number is ****** and cabin number is 1359 and they are sailing on the Carnival Liberty 1/7/12 and I hope you can send them some things to make them feel special!

John says:
Hello Marcus Allie,

We have some ordering issues with the decorations but I understand that things are back to normal now and that for the most part you can now order these on line. Please try again as it’s been a month since you posted this and I think you should be OK to get this done now. I will also send them something. I wish them a very happy life together and a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Paulette asked:

Let me start by saying this. Just over one year ago, I found out that I have allergies to dairy and to gluten, along with onions and mint. In February, my husband and I took a cruise on Carnival Elation. At that time, the list of foods that I was allowed to eat was quite limited. Once I boarded the ship, I was told that if I ate all meals in the dining room, the chefs would be able to accommodate my needs. The entire dining room staff, including the chefs was quite happy to work with me. In fact, they did a fantastic job, and I was always given a meal that both tasted good and that I could eat. Not only that, the Carnival Elation had a stir-fry area for lunch on the pool deck. The chefs there were also happy to accommodate me and cook up something that I could eat. Furthermore, on that ship, the hamburgers and French fries were gluten free. (The chef checked and verified that for me.) Therefore, on a day when we were in a port, I was able to come back onto the ship and have a quick late afternoon snack that was allergy friendly. (We had a later dinner seating so a snack was necessary.)

My experience on the Carnival Triumph was the worst. Let me start by saying that I am now allowed to eat a huge variety of foods. My list of allowable foods is MUCH longer than it was when I cruised in February on NCL. First, Asta, who worked in the dining room, tried her best, but the chefs didn’t seem to be motivated to make any food that tasted good, or that was properly prepared. Almost every meal that I ate in the dining room took 2-3 times as long because our waiter would bring something out that tasted awful and didn’t resemble real food, or it would contain something that I couldn’t eat. Mealtimes were very stressful and frustrating for me, and I’m sure that our friends who were cruising with us didn’t appreciate it when dinner would take an extra hour because my food was always wrong.

I kept asking for chocolate, and kept being told they couldn’t do anything for me. I knew better though because my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had just taken a Carnival cruise and the chef made them gluten free flourless chocolate cake each night. Finally, on the third night, our waiter brought out a gluten free/dairy free flourless chocolate, which was fabulous. I did have this dessert for the three nights that the chef made it for me. In fact, it was the only food item that I looked forward to eating on those days. Just wish it had been available to me starting on night one.

Carnival gets enough guests with food allergies that the chefs should prepare a gluten free flourless cake every night, just like they offer the chocolate melting cake each night. It should just be a part of their daily dessert menu. After all, they always offer sugar free desserts. Diabetics have it easy compared to me. Furthermore, I found out that there was nothing except for lettuce, tomato, carrots, and mushrooms that I could eat from the buffet on the Lido deck. It turns out that on this cruise unlike NCL, the burgers and fries were not gluten free, and there was also no stir-fry station on the pool deck where I could have a quick gluten free meal.

There are so many companies who make gluten free/dairy free French fries, cookies, breads, etc… I don’t understand why Carnival doesn’t provide a gluten free area on its buffet. Carnival provides sugar free alternatives. They really need to start providing gluten/dairy free alternatives as well! They do have soy milk, but they don’t provide it in the buffet area, only in the dining room. Actually, there is now a better alternative to soy milk, and that is coconut milk. It’s made by a company called So Coconut. There is even a coconut creamer by that company. Carnival should offer both alternatives in the buffet area. I’m highly disappointed that Carnival makes no effort to accommodate guests with food allergies outside of the dining room. Carnival doesn’t care and the crew of the Carnival Triumph proved that.

John says:
Hello Paulette,

I have to say that this took me by surprise because I normally hear nothing but great things about our gluten free offerings and special dietary needs. May I ask you if you contacted our special needs desk ahead of time? If not I highly suggest that next time that you do so that we can pre- arrange special meals for you. I am diabetic and can sort of understand how difficult it must be for you and one thing I can promise and assure you is that our crew does care. It is though difficult for a galley that is preparing food for 3,000 people to suddenly be asked to prepare individual dishes that they may or may not have the ingredients ready for. You see unlike a normal sized restaurant that will have all the ingredients on hand the galley of a cruise ship has no stores there. The provisions are brought up from the vast storage rooms on deck 0 to the galley and this along with preparation takes time. I see that the crew did their best and I think it’s a little harsh of you to say they don’t care but yet I understand your frustration. Please let me know when you cruise again and I will coordinate with our special needs desk and try and make this next cruise a far better experience when it comes to your eating options. I do hope that you had fun though.

Best wishes.

John

Adriana Ruiz asked:

This will be the fourth cruise that my family has gone on but first Carnival together. There will be more of us traveling this time around 24 people so far. It has not been as smooth sailing. In April when we planned to go to Vegas everything went well. We have encountered so many problems this time am afraid to go on the ship. Maybe we should have followed first instinct and gone on Celebrity boat the one I wanted to sail on. My husband insisted that we go Carnival. The customer service has not been anything, and there are still lots of problems. You can’t get return phone calls especially from a manager. I am angry and depressed.

Johns says:
Hello Adriana Ruiz,

I thank you for writing to me but am not sure exactly what the concern is. I have though sent your information to our guest services department and asked them to contact you. They tell me you are booked to sail on the Carnival Splendor in February so we have some time to try and sort out any concerns you have and I promise we will try hard to do just that. I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Dannah asked:

The Carnival Legend is a wonderful ship and our cabin steward Joel was so funny and so charming and always called us by our names which made us feel very special. The food was good and the dining room service also and God blessed us with calm seas and blue skies. But I do have a big complaint. All the comedy was based around sex and the humor from Wee Jimmy the same and there was no family entertainment. There was a chapel but no Priest and one day when George and I went in to pray we were disturbed by a crew member who asked us to leave as they were using it for a renewal of wedding vows. We asked to stay and participate but were told it was a private event. My point John is that Carnival advertises itself as a family cruise line but in many ways it isn’t. We did have a good time but were disappointed by the pushing of drinking, gambling and sexual comments and bad language by the comedians and the cruise director. The good book says “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” Thank you

John says:
Hello Dannah,

First of all I am very glad to know you had a good cruise despite your reservations on the entertainment. I really do think we are a family cruise line and I could quote loads of figures about how we carry more children than any other cruise lines – 670,000 to be exact. However I won’t do that but I will say that I am sure that most of the shows were family based and I am wondering if you attended one of the uncensored comedy shows at night at the Punchliner Comedy Club. Those are definitely not family shows and I am sorry if you heard things from the comedians that offended you. I will speak to Ralph AKA Wee Jimmy your cruise director and let him know your feelings which knowing him as I do he will definitely take to heart. Now with regard to the chapel, we do have on all the Spirit class ships but I have to say that Carnival does not actively pursue a religious program on any of our ships and whether we should or should not is of course open to discussion. The renewal of vows we offer is a private event conducted by the captain and there is a cost for this memorable and private event but again I apologise that your prayer session was interrupted. I do though hope you had fun and I thank you so much for taking the time to write to me.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Sally Redfern asked:

First let me say that I love your blog. I also love reading the Currents magazine but I have not received a copy recently. I called my travel agent and she said she would take care of this for me but that was three months ago and I haven’t seen one yet. Can you help me please?

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Sally Redfern,

Thanks so much for the kind words. The sad news is that Currents Magazine was replaced with an on-line publication several years ago that from what I understand is quite popular with readers. I know many miss it though and thanks so much for the kind words and I hope we see you on one of our ships very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Kade asked:
John,

Please would you do me a huge favor and thank someone for me as we just got off from the Carnival Fantasy. We did not get a comment card this time but want your beards to know about our room steward, Boharti. He was constantly cleaning and helping and made the cruise perfect for me and my family and friends. On arrival our cabin did smell like stale smoke, but Boharti brought in some type of machine that took the smell out fast. It would be nice to have non-smoking rooms. Also Manni and Helenea our waiters were outstanding. Thanks to you John and love this zany blog of yours.

John says:
Hello Kade,

Thanks for those kind words and I will make sure that the crew you mentioned see your words of praise. As of December 1 we no longer allow smoking in any cabin although I have to say those magic machines the stewards use really did get rid of the smell of smoking efficiently. I hope we will see you and the family again very soon and thanks again for the kind words.

Best wishes to all.

John

Baileigh asked:

We are sailing on the Carnival Liberty on December 31 and for dining it says 6 pm “waitlisted” what does that mean?? My husband has to eat early for stomach issues and need you to get this changed. Our booking reference is ******. I was told this was the place to get this done.

John says:
Hello Baileigh,

That’s a lovely name by the way, Baileigh. I will ask the maitre d to arrange for your family to eat as requested and I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

R and R Cruisers asked:

We are platinum VIPS and love the perks that come with this. Princess though offers FREE internet and yet Carnival doesn’t give its VIPS that privilege. Why?

John says:
Hello R and R Cruisers,

I am very glad that you enjoy the privileges that we offer our Platinum guests and indeed you will be even happier when you see the new program which will be launched next year. There won’t be free internet I’m told but I promise you will be very happy indeed. Thanks for your loyalty and I hope this will continue for a long time to come.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and I don’t know why but for some reason I found that to be a quite exhausting set of questions. Anyway, thanks to you all for the comments and questions and I am doing my best to get caught up on the ones here on the blog. OK, let’s crack on shall we and pay a visit to Mr. Radu as he shares with us more amazing photos from his current voyage on the Carnival Paradise.

Here he is:

Good evening John,

We have only one more sea day to reach the Panama Canal. Today we have been in Punta Arenas; I didn’t do much, just went around the port, walked on the beach and took some photos.

The photo contest is running, I will leave the photo manager to take care of this and let’s see what comes out. After tomorrow I have to do the aerial shots over Panama and I will overnight in Panama City. Next day I will join the Carnival Inspiration. Here are few images from today.

Have a good night and a big hello to all your blog readers from me Mr Radu.

Radu

I am running out of words to describe how brilliant his photography is and the next group of photos Radu will send me will feature the ship’s transit through the Panama Canal. I can’t wait to see those.

And now for today’s main event, the long awaited cruise director schedule. I know many of you have been waiting for this and it’s finally here. It took longer to post than expected for a few reasons including some last minute adjustments and some new names on the list as well as you will see.

And we welcome back Chris Roberts, or Bubba as he is known, who has come out of retirement and is ready to entertain the guests with his wonderful Blues Brothers show. Welcome back Bubba, we have missed you.

My schedule remains as advertised with me starting back on the Carnival Magic on the 29th of January and staying through to early April. I won’t be the CD for the Bloggers Cruise, James will do that and then Butch takes the Carnival Magic after I leave.

Matt Mitchum, Henni, Jaques and Jaime are just some of the names that are featured as well as our regular CD’s. Now things may change as situations develop and at some point next year there will be a cruise director conference as well although no specific date has been set for this yet. Let me know your thoughts and if you have any questions. I want to thank Chris Prideaux our director of entertainment for allowing me to post this.

As far as I know no other cruise line allows guests to see which CD is on what ship ahead of time…..… I may be wrong……but regardless I think it’s great that we allow our guests to see this schedule don’t you? I wish all the cruise directors the very best of luck. Be yourself, be on stage more than you are behind the computer……. have fun and remember….….you have the best job……in the world.

Here then is the CD schedule to June 2012.

There are two cruise directors on that list that I have never met surprisingly. Matt Mitchum and Eric Brouman are two new CDs and are I am sure going to do a fantastic job. There are cruise directors on the schedule who I have known for years and some are good friends of mine although I can honestly say none of them could be considered a BFF. When I first heard this expression I thought BFF stood for Burger & French Fries but apparently it does not. It means Best Friend Forever and everyone it seems from dancers on the ship, to beards in the office, to people posting here and on Facebook is using BFF to describe a friendship with someone. I get it if your 17 years old, you can have a BFF. But if you’re a vice president of something then you can’t have a BFF, you sound bloody ridiculous and you are using it as an attempt to stave off getting old. BFF is the verbal equivalent of a pair of tight jeans or a sports car. It’s one of the many words I want banned from Carnival ships and from the Carnival offices and indeed from life. And trust me, there are many more words I want banned as well and I will be telling you what those words are over the next few weeks. My friend Calvyn said in an email yesterday that we were BFFs. We are not, we are friends and that’s that and suggesting we are anything else is stretching the word friend until it’s saggier than the elastic in the pair of underpants I am currently wearing.

Oh and please, please can we stop saying “Reach out.” Whatever happened to “I will call you” or “Let me speak to….” It’s a phrase used by people who want to suggest the efforts made to save the Euro with their own boring emails about meeting up for a coffee to discuss what kind of toilet paper we should put in the guest cabins.

And I swear the next time a beard says that I have to give 110% I will use that saggy elastic in my underpants to strangle them with. It happened again on a conference call yesterday when we were talking about a change to the current Platinum program, details of which I will write about on Facebook today. One of the beards said would give “110% to make sure this is done within a two week period.” OK. On the plus side, this does suggest that he is going to be trying really hard. On the minus, though, it also suggests that he is an innumerate sod who deserves to have the marketing book he read at college shoved right up his bottom and he can then give 110% to reaching out for help to pull it out.

Goodnight

Your BFF,

John

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