It seems that nothing short of their baseball team makes a Philadelphian more proud than a Philly cheese steak and being inquisitive and being fat and because I am staying in a hotel that is as manly as Calvyn’s underpants and serves hummus and drizzled peacock for dinner, I have taken it upon myself to try as many of these buggers as I can. Its guess it’s not a complicated thing to make. It’s a long stick of bread filled with slices of what my Mum would call beef brisket. You then add loads of cheese and if you don’t mind an arse like a chewed orange the next morning ……loads and loads and loads of onions.

Now it’s not the sandwich itself that people argue about but it is who serves the best. Indeed I asked this question on my Facebook page a few days ago and it caused much fervent discussion. The two names that kept coming up were Pat’s and Geno’s and so I went to both, purely for research purposes you understand.

I thought these two establishments would be…..well…….lavish and as trendy as the glowing blue toilet in my hotel room. Not! They are two very basic establishments that have been facing off against each other like two Wild West gunfighters since the 1960s. A local Phiilyperson told me that they stay open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to make sure that one doesn’t sell more calorie-bursting, greasy, and tasty sandwiches than the other. I felt that it was required, as my role Carnival’s Brand Ambassador, to be diplomatic and visit both. One of the people who run the Scenery First operation here in Philadelphia told me that I had to do the “Philly lean” which is where you try to position your body so it’s clear of any bits of beef, cheese or onions dripping on your shirt and that walking around with a cheese steak stain on your shirt was considered by the locals as taboo as walking around with your gentleman’s sausage hanging out.

So which one was best? Well considering both Pat and Geno’s may be owned by Irish and Italian …. ummmmm……“families”…….I have no intention of saying. I don’t want to wake up with a horse’s head in my bed and a cheese steak sandwich with extra onions shoved up my bottom. So I will say ……..they were both brilliant but I wonder if Guy Fieri could make an even better one?

Time for today’s Q and A……away we go.

Terri Kerr asked:

I heard that Kevin Fowler would be doing a theme cruise in August of 2012. Is this true?

John says:
Hello Terri Karr,

Yes he is mate. Click here for information on it.

Best wishes and yeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!!

John

John Byrd asked:

We have cruised with carnival once or twice in the past few years until we received the PLATINUM VIP level. We just got off of the Carnival Conquest Nov. 12. This was the worst ever of getting off of a ship. They told us at the guest service desk that we could leave bags outside of rooms and that we would get off early and with no problems. Well we were the second people to get off and then waited over an hour and a half to get bags. This is not the way I think Carnival would want the general public to know how they treat their VIP guest. We feel like that we should have been told we would have to stand and wait on bags if we did not carry them off with us. This may have been our last trip with Carnival. Nobody would put their bags out knowing they would have wait on them and stand in line and watch all of the ships passengers unload before you. I would like to know how you feel about this.

THANKS…

John says:
Hello John Byrd,

I am very sorry this happened, I really am. We do give very specific instructions on the TV and in writing that the self assist guests go first and then Platinum and VIP guests who have left their own luggage outside their cabins will leave after the self assist guests. I think there may have been some misunderstanding and that we need to make this far clearer than we did on the ship. I can only apologise for this and hope that you will look back at what fun you had and despite this last concern that we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Luke Pizzaro asked:

I am not one of your cheerleaders nor will I ever be but I do need a favor from you as it seems the norm for people to beg. So under the premise if you can’t beat them join them can I have a gift for me and my wife. We sail on the Carnival Magic on 2.3.12 in cabin 7319. It’s our 12th wedding anniversary

John says:
Hello Luke Pizzaro,

I will be there with you on the ship as CD and I will be very happy to send you something to wish you a great cruise and a very happy anniversary.

Best wishes.

John

Sutile asked:

I’m cruising on the Carnival Miracle on Feb. 6 and would like to know who the comedians will be. We cruised on Fantasy last year and both comedians were the worst we have ever seen on our two cruises with you guys and we are hoping that this time the comedians will at least be funny. The comedians only talked about sex and used the F-bomb all the time. Who is it this time?

John says:
Hello Sutile,

I am very sorry to know you did not appreciate the comedians last time you sailed although I think I should point out that the shows you described were from the uncensored adult show that is well advertised as such. This time you have some great comedians including two of our very best in Eddie Capone and Percy Crews who will feature family and adult shows at the Punchliner comedy club. I hope you enjoy their shows and that you have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Angie and Neil Thorla asked:
John,

We recently completed our cruise on the Carnival Dream – number 16 with Carnival. After this many cruises, we did not expect to find anything to really impress us. We were wrong. CD Kirk and ACD Jaime were fantastic. Their morning show was better than Regis and Kelly, and we know how much you admire Regis! On many past cruises, the CD’s appeared to be reading from the same Carnival script. While Kirk basically followed the script, his delivery was natural and appeared unscripted. Kirk was probably not at the top of his game due to pain from a recent shoulder injury, but being the veteran he is, it did not show. (You need to pay closer attention to the captain’s daily safety message Kirk.)

We just can’t say enough about Jaime. If we were not aware that Kirk and Jaime operate as a team, we would be baffled as to why she still has the word “assistant” in her title. Jaime is one of the unique individuals like you, John, who derives great pleasure in helping others find enjoyment. We had three occasions to have brief conversations with her. While we’re sure that she had more pressing things to do, she made us feel as if talking with us was the most important item on her agenda. If you ever need an Assistant Brand Ambassador, Jaime is the perfect candidate.

We are a couple of old fogies who are skeptical of FB, so we do not know how to contact Kirk and Jaime. Would you please pass this on to them to let them know that their good work is recognized and appreciated?

Best regards,

Angie and Neil Thorla

John says:
Hello Angie and Neil Thorla,

What a brilliant post and thanks so much for taking the time to write. I know that Facebook is not for everyone which is why I think it’s vital that I keep lines of communication open here on the blog. Jamie and Kirk are brilliant and you described them perfectly and we know what a huge asset both are to Carnival. I will be passing on your thanks to them and also let the beards see this as well. I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Oladapo Ayodele asked:
Hi John,

I hope you are well. My name is Dapo. I’m a fourth year university student from Canada. I have a specific question for you. Before I ask, I will like to tell you a little bit of by situation. I am majoring in biological sciences at the University of Lightbridge. I will be writing the MCAT next summer as I intend to apply to medical school next summer. Starting in January, I intend to take a few months off school so I can work and study for my MCAT. I am thinking of applying to a Carnival Cruise Lines. Since I know you are the “king” player in this game. I would like to know what you think about this. I don’t know if working on a cruise ship is what will benefit me. You might be asking yourself why I am taking time off school. It’s because if I stay in school and graduate in May, I will have nothing to do until September 2013 when I get into med-school. I want to defer my graduation from May 2012 till May 2013. I want to be fresh for med-school if I get accepted in 2013. I would like to know what you think about this please. Secondly, I have not worked a lot in the hospitality field. I have worked various jobs during the summers. I have worked in positions ranging from housekeeping to construction to sales etc. If I decide to work on a cruise line, are there positions where I will have time (a few hours) a day to myself to study. Please let me know what you think. I need to make decisions as soon as possible.

Have a Good Day.

John says:
Hello Oladapo Ayodele,

I wanted to wish you much success in your continuing education and your career path. While we don’t offer an intern program I do encourage you to check our www.cclcareers.com and see if there is anything there you can see yourself doing. I hope there is.

Best wishes.

John

Jen Reynolds asked:
Hi John,

My parents, three children and I just returned from cruising on the Carnival Victory to celebrate my daughter’s 16th birthday. This was what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go, having been on the same cruise in March 2010. For my parents, it was their first experience cruising, and I have to say, we had a fantastic time! Our wait staff and bar waitress in the Atlantic Dining room were phenomenal. My four-year old also cruised with us and the wait staff and hostesses treated her like a princess, which she loved! They made napkin bunnies, lobsters, and swans, and brought her extra French fries every night. The one night we didn’t go to dinner because she was very cranky, they commented on how much they missed us the next night. And if we saw them during the day at the buffet, they made her feel so special because they singled her out. So I want to acknowledge them publicly and ask that you tell the “higher ups” how wonderful they all were. Agapita, Panitan, and Sukhadin (I’m sure the spellings are all wrong, but they were from the Philippines, Thailand, and Indonesia, respectively). We sat at table 300 in the Atlantic Dining room for dinner. Our bar waitress, Natalya from Russia, was just as lovely and attentive, and she even put up with my dad’s long-winded stories. We had ordered a cake for my daughter’s sweet 16 and of course they delivered it and sang loudly to embarrass her, which we loved. I can only hope we are able to meet up with all of them again sometime soon because they provided such good customer service that I don’t think any place we go here in the States will ever measure up. I wanted to make sure I found a way to publicly acknowledge them because we didn’t get any comment cards or any other way to let their supervisors know before we left. Obviously, we did show our appreciation to their superb service monetarily

The only small, disagreeable part of the cruise was the fact that in the level 8 hallways, mid-ship, it really smelled like lavatories. I don’t know why, and it was only mid-ship on the even- numbered cabin sides, but when we walked through there, we had to hold our breath.

Otherwise, the whole trip was wonderful and the room stewards were also fantastic and helpful – Edzell and his assistant, who unfortunately I can’t remember. And my 14-year old and 16-year old were completely entertained with the two clubs for teenagers. This is my third cruise out of San Juan with Carnival to the Southern Caribbean and I hope to continue doing so. Keep up the excellent work!

Jen Reynolds

John says:
Hello Jen Reynolds,

Thanks so much for this great review. I can see that so many crew members made this a wonderful time for you and they will be thrilled that you have taken the time to write about them. The crew you mentioned are shining examples and I am so proud of them. I promise the problem with the odor you smelt has been addressed and my apologies for this happening. I hope you and the family had so much fun and that you will be back with us again very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Norm Vanraman asked:

Will Carnival be sending another ship to New York as we have an old ship in Carnival Miracle. We deserve better than this rust bucket.

John says:
Hello Norm Vanraman,

I would hardly call the Carnival Miracle an old ship Norm and she has proven to be a very popular ship and the New Yorkers are loving her.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and many thanks for your continuing support of the blog. I know I am not posting as regularly as normal but once back on the ship I will of course return to a minimum of three blogs a week.

Let’s take a break and while I learn how to play the Hasbro Game Sorry Sliders I will leave you with some stunning photos from Mr. Radu of the Carnival Pride.

Thank you Mr Radu for once again for sharing your amazing skills with us. I may have mentioned this before and apologies if I have but Mr. Radu will be holding a seminar exclusively for those signed up on Bloggers Cruise 5 and I hope we can persuade him to do this each week on whatever ship he is on.

OK, time to move to the piano bar. I have mentioned that we will have some exciting news regarding this and it’s almost ready to be told. I can tell you that we are really focusing on these brilliant and fun bars and our intention is to make them even more fun and exciting by supporting the piano bar players that entertain there. So look out for more news on this very soon and until then let’s see who will be playing in the piano bar on the ship you will be sailing on. The dates listed next to the names are the dates the performers will be leaving the ship.

Carnival Freedom Doug Ross 02/19/12
Carnival Destiny Robert Crucilla 02/20/12
Carnival Triumph Lorraine Ingle 02/23/12
Carnival Splendor Ron Passalacqua 02/26/12
Carnival Glory Tom Riccio 02/26/12
Carnival Dream David Filsinger 03/03/12
Carnival Conquest Larry Maconaghy 03/04/12
Carnival Ecstasy Frank Glenn 03/22/12
Carnival Fascination Milburn Dumas 03/31/12
Carnival Imagination Dana Honey 04/02/12
Carnival Liberty Robert Berhalter 04/28/12
Carnival Fantasy Jordan Heppner 05/04/12
Carnival Elation Tom Grable 05/05/12
Carnival Victory James Morris 05/20/12
Carnival Magic Jerone Howard 06/03/12
Carnival Inspiration Seth Gibson 06/04/12
Carnival Paradise Del Woodman 06/11/12
Carnival Valor Brad Alexander 06/17/12
Carnival Pride Roger Concepcion 06/27/12
Carnival Legend Alan Brown 07/15/12
Carnival Spirit Keith Turner 07/17/12
Carnival Miracle Brennan Villines 07/25/12
Carnival Sensation Currently in Drydock

Thanks as always to these great performers for all they do and to Laura aka Divetrash for looking after them and for the fan club she runs. If anyone deserves a fan club it’s the piano bar entertainers. I look forward to working with Ron Pass on BC5 and on the Carnival Breeze.

I want to apologise to those guests who were expecting to see me on the Carnival Magic this week and I was really disappointed that I could not join the ship, not just to meet them but also because I was looking forward to being a CD again. And there is another change as well because this morning the beards asked me to fly to London to look at some British comedians for our upcoming Carnival Breeze cruises this summer. Let me explain why. Carnival has created a lot of interest and excitement in the UK and certainly last year on Carnival Magic and it seems that during the height of the summer when Brits take their vacation that we have high counts again of my fellow UK citizens. They love the product, they love the food the fun and they definitely love mixing with our North American friends and I think it’s fair to say that the North Americans love mixing with the Brits, right? Anyway, the one thing that we did find was a challenge was the Punchliner Comedy Club. And while the Americans and Canadians laughed out loud, the British guests sat there with faces like an Amish chap at Radio Shack.

You see, comedy about American sports, the Deep South and other specific subjects went over with our British guests like a fart in church. Now we are not canceling our American comedians, they will remain. What we are doing though is adding to the program and hiring some British comedians who mid-cruise will host a British night in the comedy club. So, the beards have hastily set up some auditions for me to attend and that’s my arse, in coach, flying to London.

My schedule now looks like this:

• FRIDAY, FEB. 3 - FLY TO LONDON – SEE THE GIRLS
• SUNDAY, FEB 5. - FLY TO MANCHESTER AND DRIVE TO LIVERPOOL TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GREEN ROOM
• MONDAY, FEB. 6 - FLY TO LONDON TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GEORGE 1V PUB
• SATURDAY, FEB 11 - FLY TO HOUSTON
• SUNDAY FEB 12 - JOIN CARNIVAL MAGIC AS CD

So, I am going to be knackered (www.urbandictionary.com) but it’s important that I do this although again I apologise to those I am letting down and I continue to look forward to being a cruise director once again.

What is the difference between American and British comedy? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Obviously material is one thing because while Brits might not understand and laugh about a joke about rednecks and while Americans might not laugh at a joke about the Scottish, most will laugh at jokes about a man getting his thingy caught in his zipper or a huge pair of pendulous breasts and indeed the suction toilets on the ships. There is though a difference between British and American sitcoms. The British sitcoms are all about failure and Americans about success and so few translate across the ocean. “Friends” is the most popular imported sitcom in the UK but ask a Brit to name five American sitcoms most would struggle. The two I remember growing up were Benson and Soap but I have to admit, I am not a fan of most of the American sitcoms. I am sitting next to an American right now here in Philly and I asked him to name five British sitcoms. His answer was Monty Python and…..ummmm…..ummmmm……. So let’s see if the Americans who come to the British comedians’ sets on the Carnival Breeze will laugh? I am sure they will because the word “arse” said in a posh British accent is after all ……… hilarious.

OK, I have to go because the Game Show rehearsals are ongoing and tomorrow I have approx 50 of my Facebook and blogging friends joining me. I just read that Madonna is providing the half time entertainment at the Super Bowl…….God, PLEASE let this year bring us another wardrobe malfunction! I’ll convert to whatever you want me to believe, promise!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

In fact the only way I am able to sit here in my underpants and write to you was to dispense with that part of life known as “sleeping.” At 10pm on Boxing Day night when I had walked the dog, fed it, gathered up armfuls of turds, developed an OCD hand washing habit and comforted Kye whose Peppa Pig toy she had gotten for Christmas was now headless, I could finally concentrate on other less important things like eating and going to the toilet myself. But just as you are sitting on the throne pushing out an entire turkey leg that the sodding thing starts howling ……….. the puppy, I mean, not the turkey leg although I felt like howling myself.

So just as the puppy starts howling and because Heidi was “exhausted” after cooking Christmas dinner for friends and family it’s my arse that has to go downstairs and spend the rest of the night cuddling a small, whimpering thing which keeps covering me in piss. And I am told the fun has only just begun. The puppy you see is a male which means I will have to get used to it humping my leg which means that I will have to think of a proper response when Kye see this and says “Look Dadda Pig, he’s dancing with you! I want him to dance with me.”

You know it’s strange because ever since we talked about getting a dog we have been inundated with advice both on the blog and Facebook and from our friends here in the UK and Holland. Dog lovers it seems know the answer to everything and there’s no problem that can’t be solved by a pocketful of stinky biscuits. They all think their breed is best and we all have a point, apart from pit bull owners who are all bonkers. Dog owners secretly believe that no one can look after a dog as well as them and that others are at best neglectful, at worst torturers.

I am actually nervous about writing about our puppy…….. and let me explain why. I get called fat and ugly by posters here and on Cruise Critic and I know that Ugocamelstowe and her mates would rather cruise on a ship that’s been chartered by the National Diarrhea Council than with me and that’s fine because you haven’t really had hate mail until you’ve upset a dedicated dog lover. I joked one time about gluing Kye’s Hamster Harriet to her exercise wheel and my mate Vance from PR had to help me answer a letter from an upset reader. Yep, I definitely am not on their Christmas card list and so I am going to be very careful what I say in future blogs about our dog.

So the puppy is here and while as he is soft and cuddly now I hoping he will turn into a savage beast ready to kill anyone who tries to do harm to Heidi and Kye. Yes, I know that’s probably not the right reason to own a dog but when you are away as much as I am it’s nice to know that when Heidi hears a noise in the house at 2am that she won’t be scared because the dog is there to protect her. She is however entitled to feel frightened if all she has downstairs is goldfish whereas if you have a huge dog with big spiky teeth, you can roll over and go back to sleep. Our dog will I hope bring peace of mind.

Anyway, it’s time for me to feed it some mystery meat as Heidi thinks with me traveling that I must adhere myself to the puppy now in case when I return from the Bloggers Cruise it thinks that I there to rob the house and do harm to the girls and uses its savage teeth to bite my thingy off and bury it in the garden. The dog arrived a week ago as cute as cute could be but, alarmingly, within 15 minutes had become the size of a small donkey. We have all of these books and guides and it seems that like so many things in life these days running a dog is more complicated and more expensive than running the engine room on one of our ships.

So what have we called the new addition to the Heald family? I wanted Churchill and for the first day or so that’s what we were going with but then we saw an annoying car insurance commercial on UK television with a dog called Churchill and Heidi and I both agreed that we needed a different name. I suggested Bastard, Killer, Tyson and My Arse but strangely Heidi rejected them all. There was no way we were going with human names as calling a dog Jennifer or Gerry, which in my opinion is a little weird. And it was while we were thinking of a name that I mentioned that I will be flying to Italy soon to visit to the Carnival Breeze and that’s when Heidi said “Breeze, I like that. “ And so we looked at the puppy and both agreed that he shall, henceforth be called Breeze. It’s not a bad name for the dog although I would have loved Heidi to be stood in a park shouting “Bastard, Bastard, come here Bastard.”

I will post photos of the little bugger soon but for now it’s time for today’s Q and A……………off we go.

David Teahen asked:

On the Carnival Glory last December we danced almost every night away until midnight to a musical duo called “Play That.” I believe they were a Filipino couple. We enjoyed them tremendously and give them our highest recommendation. Just wondering if they are still with the fleet, and if so, do you know where they will be this December? Thank you, John.

John says:
Hello David Teahen,

Yes indeed, Joel and Laurna are called Play That and were with me on the Carnival Magic for a while. They are now on the Carnival Conquest and as always guests are truly enjoying playing to their beautiful music. I will make sure they see your kind words as will the beards in Miami.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Scott Cameron asked:

As a Platinum Guest I am grateful for the canapes and petit fours Carnival leaves in our cabin each cruise. However, it seems they get left while we are out for the evening and by the time we see them they have sat out too long to be safe to eat. Our first VIP cruise we were called to schedule delivery which was fantastic. Past cruises I have requested for these gifts not to be delivered and guest relation is always concerned about us not getting a gift for being VIP which is nice but I hate to waste food or money no matter whose money it is. I appreciate Carnival recognizing us for our loyalty and want it to continue but was wondering if the scheduling procedure could come back or could we exchange the wonderful treats for soda drink coupons. One time, we got five soda drink coupons as our loyalty gift and really put them to good use. If time permits, I would really like to hear yours or Carnival’s thought on this. Thanks for all you do John. Feel free to repost this but I do ask if you or Mel (who I sailed with on the Carnival Dream) correct all my spelling errors.

John says:
Hello Scott Cameron,

Because I am so far behind in answering my blog questions I am sure by now you will have seen that the beards listened to you and many others who said that they don’t like the canapes and we have now replaced them with chocolate covered strawberries instead. There will also be lots of other exciting things to tell you about as we begin to unveil more news about our new loyalty program.

Thanks so much for your loyalty and I hope we get to see each other very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Michael Friedman asked:

My family of five was on the Carnival Legend and while walking on a beach in Roatan, my 9 year old son stood on a piece of glass and cut his foot. We took him immediately back to the ship where the doctor gave him three stitches and tetanus injection. We were then horrified to see a charge of $109 on our Sail & Sign account because this was a port of call recommended by Carnival so why should I have to pay. Carnival should check the beaches before sending its passengers there. I have written to Carnival but was told as we were not on a Carnival excursion that there is nothing further to be done. This is something that Carnival should have prevented from happening though. I was told to write to you as you are the brand ambassador so I look forward to hearing a positive response from you as to the refunding of my $109. Failure to do so will result in me doing all I need to do to make sure my friends and work colleagues at Honeywell NJ know never to take a Carnival cruise.

John says:
Hello Michael Friedman,

First of all let me say that I hope your son is OK and that I have forwarded your email to my colleagues in Miami. I have also asked that your comments be sent to the tourist board in Roatan. I should point out that this is a very rare comment indeed and that the beaches there are spotless and have receive wonderful feedback from our guests. I do hope that once you look back at the cruise and the fun and the service you had that you will indeed realise that you had a wonderful vacation. I send my best wishes to you all.

Best wishes.

John

Debbie Spence asked:
Hi, John:

I just wanted to write you to let you know how much we LOVE Carnival. I especially want to commend Joe Baranello, my Personal Vacation Planner. When I first cruised back in 1991, I booked with a travel agent. My next cruise was not for almost 10 years later. Somehow I ended up booking with a Personal Vacation Planner, Robert Valido. I understand that he later went in to management, which tells me that he is a great employee for Carnival. I eventually ended up with Joe Baranello. He is so professional, full of knowledge and responds quickly. When I have questions, I email him, and I always hear back from him in a very reasonable period of time. I have grown to think so highly of Joe that I recently had an event that was a “Trunk or Treat.” I entered my car in to it and passed out candy to 1,200 kids and 500 parents for the YMCA. The theme for my car was “Cruising and Beaches.” The trunk of my Lexus SC 430 was open and I had a fisherman’s net draped across it with sea shells that we got on one of our many Carnival cruises to Cozumel. I decorated it with the “disco ball” that I had all sorts of Carnival memorabilia. (I wish there was a way you could see the pictures.) The best thing was the tri-fold board that I made. Section 1 was “ships,” next was “ports” and last was Carnival “stuff” – I put Joe’s name on there. I had made 500 bags to hand out to the parents for this event. (I am a self employed real estate agent). I was marketing my company (Keller Williams) and co-marketed with my loan officer. I had Joe Baranello send me 500 of his business cards, and I put those in the “parent bags” as well. People always ask me “Debbie, who helps you with all your cruise bookings?” (12-18-2011 Magic will be 22 for me, and 21 for Haley Jeansonne, my 9 year old daughter); I refer them to Joe Baranello every time. I now carry his cards around with me, as I do my own real estate cards. When people ask me about cruises, I give them his business card. I am so happy and excited to cruise with you so often. So many times, I see all sorts of complaints here; all I wanted to do is let you know how wonderful Carnival is and what a GREAT job that Joe Barnello, PVP, does.

As you say, “Cheers”

John says:
Hello Debbie Spence,

Well you have just made a chap called Joe Barenelo very happy indeed. What a fantastic recommendation for him as a PVP that really cares and I cannot tell you how much he will be thrilled when he reads this. I love what you did to your car and how you advertised the fun a Carnival cruise can bring and while you love Carnival we love you for doing what you did and for writing these brilliant words. Thanks so very much for taking the time to do so and I hope we see you onboard very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Simone Kitstone asked:
John,

I know you have to take time off with your family when you go back to the UK tomorrow but I just read that you will be not writing on the blog or on Facebook for a whole week. This will for sure let many people down and I feel certain that I have the support of many other readers who think that you should have one of your minions cover for you so that requests for table reservations and gifts, etc get honored. I have asked twice here for a table for 2 and something for our 14th anniversary when we cruise on the Carnival Destiny 12/17 in cabin 6299 but have yet to receive a response from you. This is a public service you offer and should be one that is not affected by taking time off and should be covered by someone so those who need something done don’t get punished.

John says:
Hello Simone Kitstone,

I am very sorry that I have missed your cruise on the Carnival Destiny and I can only hope that you wrote to me on Facebook with this request and that I was able to help you with your requests. You are of course referring to my week off I had in early November when I first came home and I wish I had someone to help me do what I do but while I have friends in Miami who help manage the blog its only really me that answers the majority of requests here and on Facebook and I do the very best I can. So I apologise if I didn’t get to answer your request in time but I do truly hope that you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Reggie Delfonso asked:
John,

I read your answer to David about the Bright Star announcement and what it meant and thought that it might be a good idea for there to be a list in each cabin that shows what each code word means. I think your passengers would find this very useful and would stop the complaints you are getting and I see no reason why Carnival needs to shroud this in secrecy as your passengers need to know.

John says:
Hello Reggie Delfonso,

I am not sure we actually need to place a list of coded words in the state rooms as most happen very infrequently and when they do the cruise director will explain over the PA system what is happening. The only exception to this is the Bright Star announcement which is the code word for medical staff to urgently attend. I don’t think we do “shroud these words in secrecy” and to hopefully prove that here are a couple of terms that I hope you never have to hear on your cruise.

Bright Star - Medical team please urgently attend

Sierra Team - Stretcher team to a specific location

Poopa, Poopa, Poopa - Chief plumber to attend cruise director’s cabin, major blockage alert

I hope this helps Reggie and thanks so much for your concern.

Best wishes,

John

Kathy asked:
Hello John,

Our Carnival Elation cruise of 10/8 was wonderful. We did sail through a tropical storm, and we had the roughest day in six cruises. I have never seen such great service on Lido deck. They helped people to their seats, carried the trays, whatever it took to help the cruisers stay on their feet. There is a new entertainment member, Elijah “Showtime” Price, he is really good at his job and a lot of fun–he will do really well at Carnival. Steve Knisley tells me he will be wearing the purple dress (like you) in Legends after the dry dock. That should be fun when we take our children and grandkids back on the Carnival Elation Thanksgiving Day. Looking forward to see her all spiffed up. The ship has a good spirit, everyone is so friendly and helpful, one of the best cruises we have taken.

Your friend,

Kathy Davis

John says:
Hello Kathy Davis,

It sounds like you must have had a very rough day at sea and thanks so much for being so positive about the experience. I will make sure that everyone sees your words of praise and what a brilliant advertisement for the Carnival Elation this is. I pity poor Steve for having to wear that dress although I am sure he will look much better in it than me. I hope we see you on one of our ships again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Teler asked:
Hello John,

I would like to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your help in getting The Chef’s Table reservations for my birthday on the Carnival Inspiration last week. It was FABULOUS! Chef Michael and his staff were wonderful. It is an experience not to be missed and something that I believe is on our “must do” list for every cruise now. Thank you again.

Carnival Addict – Denise

John says:
Hello Denise Teler,

Well that’s great news indeed and I am going to make sure that the chef on the Carnival Inspiration sees just how wonderful you thought eating at his table was. I hope others reading this feel that it is a “must do event” and will book, as well. Thanks again and I hope we will see you again very soon and please let me know if there is anything you need.

Best wishes.

John

John and Cindy Fletcher asked:

Can you get me a table for two for our special cruise? It will be the honeymoon we never had and I want it to be special. The sailing is Mon Jan 2 and we are in cabin 1352. Is there anything else you can do to make this special? Who will our cruise director be? We cruised on the Carnival Ecstasy and didn’t care for Steve Cassel very much as he was just not funny and we found him freaky-deaky.

John says:
Hello John and Cindy Fletcher,

I was surprised to read that you did not enjoy Steve Cassel as he is a one of our most popular CD’s and thanks to Uncle Google I can see what “freaky deaky” means. Steve is different, unique for sure and very talented and just a little bit goofy which, for many, adds to his appeal. Your CD on the Carnival Triumph will be Big Tex another very talented young man who I know you will enjoy. I will ask the maitre d to assist you with your table request and I know he will do all he can for you. Have a great cruise and a very happy honeymoon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. I will do my best to catch up on the questions and if it is time sensitive may I suggest you ask me on www.facebook.com/johnheald where for the most part I am able to answer in 24 hours.

So, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I will tell you more about mine later. I can tell you that I am typing this blog mostly with one hand as my left arm is still sore from the carpool tunnel surgery I had. It feels better for sure and I go back to Doctor Longfinger on Friday for a checkup. I keep it in a sling most of the day but as told to but here in my little office I can slip it off without Heidi knowing. While the wrist is sore from the surgery I can feel a difference for sure and hopefully it will be a permanent one.

So how was Christmas on the ships? Well let’s find out as my friend Butch tells us what happened on the Carnival Liberty.

BUTCH’S 2011 HOLIDAY REPORT

Hello John and bloggers and happy holidays……..I was trying to remember how many years I have been giving the Carnival holiday report, I think this is four years now……time flies when you are having fun. This year I am spending the holidays on the Carnival Liberty. It seems that all of a sudden December snuck up on us as we have been so crazy busy here with all of the new 2.0 venues and entertainment that it was time to start preparing for this festive time of year. As always the ship has been decorated for the month of December with miles of garland and many Christmas trees scattered throughout the ship, including the nine foot tall tree that stands proud in the lobby atrium. My favorite piece of decoration is the giant gingerbread village that the culinary team creates each and every year……truly a work of art. There is a lot to be done this time of year to prepare for our special holiday voyages, not only for the guests, but also the crew.

Guest Activities
This year for Christmas we had a better fleet plan for guest activities in the month of December. The plan included holiday-oriented trivia contests and games and a better emphasis on all of the live bands performing holiday music throughout the month. Also, this year, after a successful test last year on the Carnival Dream, we made it snow on every ship in the fleet in the lobby atriums on every voyage in December. This is one of the simplest, yet most magical events as heaps of manmade snow falls six decks down on to a crowd of guests as we play holiday tunes. Of course we had our annual holiday show that featured our singers and dancers and participants from our youth programs. It always warms my heart to see the kids get involved in the show time and it is such a wonderful experience for the entertainers to work with the junior cruisers as we often don’t have too much interaction in our department with these small ones. We also have been observing Chanukah each night for our guests of the Jewish faith with a special ceremony with food and wine and the beautiful blessing as we have lit the menorah (or rather screwed in the light bulb on the menorah) each night of this festival.

Something that is deeply important to me personally on Christmas is to remember the real reason for the season and that is the birth of Christ. For many years now I have been hosting on Christmas day an inter-denominational Christian Christmas service. I always love this event as we celebrate the holiday with crew and guests alike in song and remembrance of why this day exists. This year we had a really touching service with crew members who volunteered to do readings and members of the entertainment team sharing their musical talents in praise and worship.

Crew Activities
As if this month could not be busier for the Carnival Liberty entertainment team, it also happened to be our department’s month to host the crew activities and social events. We really went all out hosting parties throughout the month all with a holiday theme including “the Winter White Party,” “The Red Party,” and “The Naughty or Nice Party.” I always love the crew parties where all departments get together to unwind in a guest lounge for the evening, dance, sing, and just let the stress of our jobs melt away……although, as I get older and as these crew parties take place after hours, I am finding it hard to stay awake to enjoy these festivities. In addition to the weekly crew events, the culinary team prepared a special Christmas Eve late night holiday treat event where they featured traditional holiday sugary sweets, cookies, and cakes from the different nations that represent our international team.

In addition to the events for all of the crew there are some special holiday parties for the management held this time of year including the captain’s senior office holiday party and the hotel management party……all with wonderful holiday spreads to say thank you to the management team for their hard work.

Entertainment Department Events
Since arriving on the Carnival Liberty in mid-October, it was very apparent to me, that for the first time in a long time, I had a lot of new Carnival team members on my entertainment team; many of them on a ship for the first time, and many of them spending the holidays away from their families for the first time. It was apparent to me months before the holidays that I needed to really work hard to make the holidays extra special and memorable for my shipboard family. I have only had one Christmas home in the eight years that I worked for Carnival with my family and although I am content with the fact that I choose this life, it never gets easier this time of year to be away.

So this year “Father Butchmas” (a nickname given to me by a one James Charlton years ago during the holiday season) was out in full force. I always start the month of December with the department holiday card photo shoot. Now, no offensive to any of my colleagues who all send out the same holiday card photo that is taken at the end of the holiday show on stage, I try to make the card as special and memorable as possible. You may remember my card from the Carnival Dream last year where every member of the department was an ornament on a Christmas tree…….this year I wanted to do something a little bit more modern and something that was definitely “2.0” The card turned out great… take a look:

Some other activities for the team included a make your own Christmas stocking party (which I later filled with holiday treats). The chef even let the team loose in the galley one evening where we made and decorated hundreds of holiday cookies. We had a couple of holiday movie nights and of course our secret Santa gift exchange. I love secret Santa and we picked the first day of December this year to give ample shopping time. I happen to pick one of the first contract dancers who was spending his first holiday away from his family and I took great pleasure in leaving little treats and clues for him throughout the month until we did our big reveal in a champagne pajama breakfast on Christmas morning.

A couple of Butch holiday traditions that I have continued this year is my now famous department ugly Christmas sweater Christmas party……the team looked hilarious this year as we celebrated into Christmas day night and our elephant gift exchange where everyone in the department brings a wrapped gag gift to the party and you end up with something random and hilarious at the end of the night (a couple of the gifts were too inappropriate to mention in this forum). The team here has been working so hard with the release of Fun Ship 2.0 and I wanted to show my appreciation so my gift to department this year was a personalized Carnival Liberty entertainment team T-shirt and matching mug that I made for everyone on the team. Although it will never be easy to spend the holidays away from home, we had a wonderful Christmas. We are already looking forward to our New Year celebration that is going to be full of surprises as we will utilize our new 2.0 spaces to their fullest for the party of the year.

Finally, my ultimate Christmas gift is coming just a few days late this year……my parents are cruising on the 31st and I can’t wait to ring in the New Year with them.

All my love John to you and Heidi and Kye

Your friend,

Butch

Thanks so much Butch for that heartfelt report and I am sure that you have given our guests the most wonderful Christmas cruise experience. Well done mate and I send my best wishes for the most wonderful and fun New Year to you and your family.

Well, I will be writing another blog on Thursday as I recap 2011 and will have some hints as to what you can look forward to in 2012 and beyond so please check back with me here on Friday. Then on January 2 I will resume with the three blogs a week and each day on Facebook where by the way you can find me each day starting today. Then before you know it I will be on the Carnival Magic, back in the CD chair and then of course I will be on the Breeze…..the ship ……… not the dog.

So Kye was spoiled, there is no other word for it as the mountain of ripped wrapping paper proved. We bought her Peppa Pig stuff but to try and get her to kick the pork habit we included other stuff as well. This included a Mr Potato Head which for a moment she looked excited about but when it emerged that he didn’t do much, he was abandoned and as he lay there on the floor being buried alive under more wrapping paper. I remembered that Kye’s reaction to Mr Potato Head was how I reacted when at the age of 10 my parents bought me a yo-yo. Now I don’t want to add yo-yo enthusiasts to the ever-growing list of people who think I am an idiot but I have to say………yo-yo’s are crap………..total and utter crap. They were crap when I was 10 and they’re crap now. It was then a Peppa Pig Christmas and the only other thing that could come close was a game where paper butterflies are blown out of an elephant’s trunk and you have to catch them with nets. My record is nine.

So overall it was a good Christmas in the Heald household despite Breeze crapping on the presents. Yep, I enjoyed Christmas. I like turkey sandwiches. The Great Escape is always worth watching. I don’t have any relatives who wet themselves over lunch. I loved seeing Kye’s beaming face at 5am and I am grateful that three different people bought me new underpants and only slightly bothered that nobody bought me an Aston Martin. The beards had a great time as well and I hear the marketing department’s Christmas Party was a huge success and like all office parties everywhere I am sure it involved one or two having some rumpy pumpy. Why? You sit opposite some bearded chap called Eric for 48 weeks and it never once occurs to you that he is sexy. So how come, after one warm glass of Pinot Grigio, he only needs to put on a silly paper hat to become Brad Pitt. Eric then uses a chat up line to Jennifer from accounts like “Put your crash helmet on, Jennifer – you’re going through headboard” and that’s it, a Christmas party one night romance is born.

Yep, I had a good Christmas and apart from the fact that my neighbor’s house looks totally sodding ridiculous with its plastic Santa’s and thousands of lights. It looks like he went to Wal-Mart, gathered up armfuls of anything that glitters rammed it all down a shoulder mounted missile launcher and then fired the whole lot at his house like a gaudy bomb.

Oh yes, there is one more thing. Please can my friends never send me another round letter that’s shoved in the Christmas card and copied to all their friends giving a recap of what’s happened in their lives this past year and it’s always to brag? “It’s been a busy year for the Jones family. In September, Brittney, our youngest, got accepted into Harvard. Not bad for a seven year old. Autumn, our middle one performed in the talent show on the Carnival Conquest and will for sure win American Idol next year, while Brandon who turned 12 in October, became the first person to skateboard down Mount Everest.” Yep, these letters are designed for one reason only, to show off your kids.

I have an idea. Next Christmas, why not kill two birds with one stone by draping your children in lights and gluing them to the side of your house, clutching their school reports?

Time to walk Kye until she does a poo and read Breeze a bedtime story.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

In order for me to decide what we do and when, I need you all to let me know who will be joining Heidi, Kye, selected beards, Stephanies, special guests and me. I also have to order the gifts we will send you.

I aim to make BC5 the best yet and look forward to seeing you on the brilliant Carnival Magic on March 4th.

Here is Eric the Beard to explain what you have to do:

Hey Bloggy People!

Us beards have created a very short and simple form for you to fill out that will give us all of the necessary information we need to ensure that 1) you are properly added to the guest list for all BC5 events/activities and 2) that you receive all of the fun gifts we will be giving out this year.

Before you fill out the form though, here are a few important things to remember.

• Read each field VERY carefully. Filling the form out wrong could result in you not being added to the attendee list and/or receiving your gifts.
• In the “Additional Guests” field, only include the names of guests who are staying in YOUR cabin.
• Once you submit the form you will receive a Thank You message. This means your submission is complete and has been received by the beards.
• If any of your information changes (i.e stateroom #) or you have questions regarding BC5, please DO NOT re-submit a new form. Email them to: cclsupport@carnival.com, along with the subject line: Bloggers Cruise 5. This will ensure you receive a response in a timely manner.

Now that we got that fun stuff out of the way, here is the link to the form: Bloggers Cruise 5 form.

Look forward to seeing you all there!

- Eric the Beard

If you haven’t booked a spot on Bloggers Cruise 5 yet and would like to, you can do so by clicking this link.

Now obviously Carnival was paying and I was using my corporate travel card which I am cautious when using but I still get into trouble. You see I am supposed to keep all me receipts and fill in a form and the end of each month. Now that sounds easy doesn’t it but the problem is that the form is more complicated than quantum physics…….in Mongolian……..and I tend to lose my receipts which causes me to get a huge bollocking from the accounting ladies. Their names are Mercy and Dee and I know that they must look forward to getting my travel and expense forms as much as they would look forward to stepping in a huge pile of dog turds. So ladies, please accept my apologies and I promise to do better.

Anyway, I am allowed to rent a car but it must be no more than a standard car which poses me a bit of a problem. You see standard means bloody small and when you look like you’re eight months pregnant like I do, standard means sodding uncomfortable. Anyway, the rules are the rules and as I don’t fancy Dee’s foot in my arse, I ordered a standard car and they sent me a Jeep Cherokee which because as the concierge said “It was an upgrade as you stay regularly at the hotel.” He said that with the palm of his hand open and pointing toward me and so realising that this must be a Miami tradition I gave him a “low five ” and went to my car.

Driving in Miami as I have mentioned is something that I enjoy as much as I enjoy explosive diarrhea. I have written recently about the horrors of I-95 and the fact that Miamians have yet to discover there is a stick thingy in their steering wheels which activates things called indicators which tells the poor sod behind you that you are about to change lanes. But what I noticed today as I drove to the office was how many people in Miami have convertibles which in Miami is as ridiculous as me owning anything with the word “medium” on the label. Let me explain what I mean.

You may dream of driving a convertible car along Miami’s Ocean Drive waiting for a near naked Latvian woman on rollerblades to ask you for dinner at Prime 112 followed by loads of rumpy pumpy. Bollocks. I have driven a convertible in Miami and I am here to tell you that you will arrive at your destination with a clown-like red nose and a shirt that appears to have spent the past few months at the bottom of a Frenchman’s toilet. You just can’t drive a convertible in Miami, it’s 100 degrees and your skin will simply melt. But hold on because it’s not just the heat that is a concern, it’s the wind too. Wind you see messes up a girl’s hair. This is a fact. Every girl I know loves the idea of driving in a convertible, but after just a few moments every single one wants to put it up again screaming “My hair, my hair, put the roof up you bastard it took me 23 hours to do my hair and now its ruined.”

Even if you can manage the heat and the wind, you still have the problem of embarrassment, especially in Miami. This isn’t a problem in New York or London or Michigan or Botswana but in Miami I can promise you it absolutely is. You may think, as you cruise about in your convertible that you look good. But unless you are Megan Fox or Dwyane Wade, which you are not, I can assure you that actually you look a total plonker .

I can sort of understand the message you are trying to give out. That you love the wind in your hair? That you are young at heart? That you are available? But you aren’t. You’re middle aged and married and have massive sweat marks under your arm. But I don’t care. You see this Jeep rent a thingy I have drives like a drunken yak and I just saw a man drive into the Carnival office in a convertible Porsche 911. He doesn’t look like Johnny Depp and who cares if he has lakes of sweat under his arm, I want one. I don’t care about what people think and besides…..they say that Porsches are driven by men with a small gentlemen’s sausage. Well if that’s true……I should definitely be driving one then.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..here we go.

John Grubbs asked:
Hey John,

Just a note to say thank you for your blog thingy. I enjoy reading it and it helps me remember some of the great times I have had on CCL ships. My wife and I are sailing on the Magic Jan 8. I was hoping you would be our CD, but heck, you can’t do them all. We sailed with you years ago on the Jubilee. I remember you walking toward my wife and I in Playa del Carmen, you were wearing two different color shoes at the same time. I was going to joke with you and ask for a comp room upgrade. I already sent you a request to get us a reservation at The Chef’s Table and you were very kind to oblige our request. Anyway, since I figure we won’t get the upgrade we will just continue to sail on the carnival Magic and have another wonderful vacation. One last thing, have you ever considered doing a road show with the USO? You could bring a few of your dancers in their heels and feather outfits and be a real smash here in Afghanistan. There are a bunch of us guys that read and enjoy your blog thingy, it makes us smile and escape for a few minutes. We appreciate everything you and Carnival do. God bless and stay safe dude.

John G.
Kandahar Army Air Field

John says:
Hello John Grubbs,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I am sure many here will join me in thanking you for your service and I hope you are well and staying safe. I don’t ever remember wearing different shoes, what was I thinking? I am so sorry I can’t be with you in January and although I can’t give you an upgrade, it would be an honour to send you something to say thank you for doing what you do. Please can you remind me a few days before you sail on my Facebook page if possible or a month before here on the blog thingy? Thanks so much once again and I would love a chance to come out and entertain the people who deserve some fun more than anyone.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Patrick and Merry Crawford asked:

Just a comment really. You were our cruise director on Carnival Liberty on her maiden transatlantic voyage. I think 2002? Anyway, we think you were fantastic. We are now up to 50 cruises and haven’t had a better CD so don’t listen to some of those negative remarks.

John says:
Hello Patrick and Merry Crawford,

Thanks so much for the kind words, they mean so much and I hope that one day soon we will be able to cruise together soon. Its comments like this that keeps me going. Thank you once again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Owen Whitlock
John,

I just booked the blogger’s cruise today. I booked it through a TA (that would be me) and reading the posts, I am wondering if I will be able to participate in the activities since I didn’t book with the Cruise Critic TA.

Thanks.

Owen

John says:
Hello Owen Whitlock,

Thanks so much for booking the Bloggers Cruise 5 which I have every intention of making the best ever. You don’t need to worry about how or with whom you booked because there will be a full bloggers roll call in the next few weeks and we will take a list of names to see who is coming and to whom invitations and gifts will be sent. Look for that roll call soon and if you have any questions please let me know. I will see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

David Ronovitch asked:
Hi John,

I was on the Carnival Magic with you as cruise director and have two major complaints. When we cruised Europe with RCCL we had ATMs that gave Euros not dollars but I went to your machine and it gave me $300 not 300 Euros. I went to the front desk and they refused to take the money back and credit my account. This was terrible customer service. Then when we got off the ship we had to wait 45 minutes for a taxi but when we cruised on the Independence of the Seas RCCL provided us with free transportation to the airport. Why is Carnival so cheap? One last thing, while the food quality was good the service from our waiter wasn’t because of his lack of English skills and twice he didn’t understand what we wanted and brought the wrong thing. Overall I was not impressed and we never saw you except during the shows and on TV.

John says:
Hello David Ronovitch,

Let me start by apologising that you didn’t get to meet me. I do host all the shows and morning shows and try to be around the ship as much as possible but obviously I also have this blog and the Facebook page to look at as well. We do have signs at our ATM machines that say that that they give out US dollars but I do agree that we should have ones that give out Euros and I am trying to push for these for the Carnival Breeze. The taxis are a negative in Barcelona as there just don’t seem to be enough to cover all the guests from the various ships that use Barcelona as a home port. I was surprised to read that RCI gives free transportation to their guests to get to the airport. We offer a shuttle service for $19.95 to the airport which is very popular and for Carnival Breeze, next year I would recommend that people think about this option because of the taxi problems you mentioned. All our waiters do speak English and I am sorry if your waiter did make a few mistakes with your orders. I will pass this comment to the ship and I thank you for taking the time to write this. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes and hope to see you soon.

John

Cubs Fans Cruisers asked:
Mr. Heald,

Your potty mouth humor is something that I have to subject myself to in order to get the information that I admit this blog does provide. I am sure many others will agree that you step way over the line with your comments some of which seem to be politically motivated and your comments about the environment are particularly disturbing. My DW and I will be on the Conquest in December BKG#****** and as it’s our anniversary celebrating 30 years I would like a table for two so we can spend some romantic times together. Both of us are educators and we deserve this time together. I suggest you consider changing your ways as you would for sure receive more readers.

John says:
Hello Cubs Fans Cruisers,

I am sure you are very excited to be sailing on the Carnival Conquest and I will ask the maître d to book a table for two for you and he will do his best to assist you. I realise that my silly sense of humour is not for everyone and my comments are my own opinions and like all opinions not everyone is ever going to agree with you. I wish you a wonderful cruise and I will try to find a balance of fun and information here on the blog thingy.

Best wishes and have a great cruise.

John

Michael Shelton asked:
Dear John:

Please help!! I don’t know who else I can ask. I completed a cruise on the Carnival Legend on August 7. After incurring over $2000 in Sign & Sail charges, I went to a future cruisers presentation on the last day of the cruise, where I was advised to (and decided to) get the Carnival MasterCard. Joel from the cruise desk said that my S&S charges would be transferred to the new card. I got the approval email the night before we arrived in port, but there were no Sign & Sail charges on it, and no points. So I went to the cruise desk and told Joel about the issue. He tried to “retrigger” the system to get my points for the $2,000 expenditure. Needless to say, it never happened, and I neglected to get Joel’s information since we were in the middle of disembarkation at the time. I wrote to my Carnival travel consultant, who just emailed me an overview of the program. I wrote to the card provider, who wrote me back that purchases have to be transferred to my account by the merchant (that’s Carnival). So now I’m stuck. I can’t get anyone via email or links in the Carnival website, and I can’t reach Joel on the Legend to see if he can send an email to get this fixed. I’m starting to be very disillusioned with Carnival. You were very good at getting me to book a grand suite and to spend over $2,000 aboard, but since the cruise ended, I keep running into one brick wall after another. Am I doing something wrong? Did I not spend enough? I’m putting the subject of this note as “Carnival Policies,” since the policy of Carnival seems to be to stonewall me. I would appreciate any help you can give me.

Regards,

Mike

John says:
Hello Michael Shelton,

I am really glad you took the time to write to me about this and I am sorry that it has taken a long time for me to get back to you. It seems there was an error here and its one we need to look into and indeed I will do this immediately for you and someone will be in touch with you ASAP. Please stay in touch with me and let me know what happens as we try to sort this out. My apologies once again.

Best wishes.

John

Ryan M and Tim K asked:
John,

My partner and I are booked on the Carnival Splendor’s October 9 cruise and am hoping that you can seat us at a table for 2. We are a gay couple and on our last cruise we were not accepted by our tablemates and this was very distressing. We will be in cabin 6355. Please can you get this for us.

John says:
Hello Ryan M and Tim K,

I will be happy to put a table request in for you and I see its this Sunday that you cruise so I am glad that I saw this now. I will certainly do all I can for you and hope you enjoy your cruise.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Paul and Michele Johnson asked:
John,

I booked a 7 day Mexican Riviera Cruise on the Carnival Splendor on July 31, 2011 from Long Beach, Ca. All I have to say is “WOW!” The crews service, food, entertainment, the excursions all booked through Carnival was to put in a few words nothing less than indescribably great, “OVER THE TOP!” We had such a great time and our quest for our 25th Wedding Anniversary was more than we could have ever imagined. Thank you to Roland the maitre d in the Black Pearl, the cruise director, stateroom steward, room service, cooks, and those staff members behind the lines who clean continually, great job. Your Splendor staff deserves our praise. We are hooked on Carnival. The “FUN SHIP” phrase is putting it mildly. Thank you for the best time. Carnival is on top of their game in all areas. I have been on other lines and they should be shaking in their boots. Your staff was awesome!

Paul and Michele Johnson – room 1021

John says:
Hello Paul and Michele Johnson,

This is a brilliant post and I am thrilled to have read it. Also thrilled will be Roland who will see this later today. I am so glad you had fun and what you said is a great advert for what Carnival is all about. Thanks so very much and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Alicia asked:
Dear John,

Sorry for repeating my question. I was just on my very first cruise on the Carnival Magic. I had a great time and the entertainment staff had a huge role in it along with you. I’m glad to know that you will be on the Caribbean cruise out of Galveston. I would like to know if the same dancers will be on that cruise as well. Please do let me know. I don’t mind if this question is published for there might be others who want to know. I truly appreciate your reply.

Many thanks.

Alicia

John says:
Hello Alicia,

I am so glad you had fun on the Carnival Magic and I see you will be back with us on the Carnival Magic in Galveston. The cast will still be on board although the new cast will be as well as they will be learning the shows ready to take over on November 27 when the old cast leaves. Once again I am so glad you had fun and I will see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Tracey Evans asked:
Reply John!!!!

There are rumors on Cruise Critic that the bed bug problem has returned on the Triumph. We are on her next week for our sons graduation cruise and I am now terrified that we will all get bitten. Please tell me what’s happening.

John says:
Hello Tracey Evans,

This is the last time I will type these words as you will see in a moment but I am happy to say the rumor on Cruise Critic is wrong, 100% wrong. There have been no reported cases in the past months of any bed bug problems and I see that you posted this on August 21 so you have already been on your cruise and have seen for yourself that there was nothing to worry about. I hope you have a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Amanda Myers asked:
John,

I have recently gotten home from the August 5, 2011 Mediterranean cruise and I just want to say that it was wonderful. I was in the singles group and had so much fun aboard. The staff was great and the food servers in the Southern lights restaurant were amazing. Petar, Zsusa, and Maximo worked extremely well together and remembered food allergies of people and made sure nothing they received had their allergy in it. They made sure everyone had the food they wanted and were always there when something was needed. They went above and beyond their duties as waiters and helped make this the best vacation I have ever had. All the staff was very accommodating. I will definitely sail with Carnival again soon!! Thank you for a wonderful vacation.

John says:
Hello Amanda Myers,

What a fun group you all were and your Bruce Springsteen chap from the Carnival Legends show was truly brilliant. Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I will make sure everyone on board sees your words of praise. I miss the ship a lot and I know what a brilliant crew we had there. I hope we see you and the singles group again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Julie asked:
John,

I have a couple questions about dining. There have been rumors that they no longer serve lobster tails and prime rib on the formal night and that they are not serving the buffets after 4 p.m. Please say this isn’t so!? I have been bragging these two things up to my family for years and now I am going on my 10th cruise and taking most of my family with me (most of them have never been on a cruise) and I would hate to disappoint them.

Julie

John says:
Hello Julie,

I remember this was mentioned on my Facebook page a few weeks ago and I answered then that both these rumours were false. We have not stopped serving lobster tail and prime rib and the alternative dining continues as normal from 5:45pm – 9:30 pm. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and thank you so much for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Ruth Moorman asked:
Dear John,

I’m so excited to have booked my 10th cruise on the Carnival Valor with my husband and two daughters for Dec. 18th. The problem is, we are only listed as having been on seven previously instead of nine. I’m sure that this is because we were on the Carnivale in ’88 and ’89 and they probably didn’t keep computer records then. What do I need to do to get my platinum status that I have been looking forward to for so long? P.S. I’m in my underwear too!!(A rather granny-ish nightgown, unfortunately!)

John says:
Hello Ruth Moorman,

Writing in your underwear feels liberating doesn’t it? Anyway, thanks so much for your loyalty and I will now send this to someone to see if they can help you. If you have proof of these cruises, photos, tickets etc there will be nothing to worry about and someone will adjust your status accordingly. I will send this to the beards now and you will hear from someone soon.

Best wishes and have a brilliant 10th cruise.

John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow.

Over the past few months I have had some real concerns with posts from Cruise Critic members. As I mentioned yesterday there are some who post there who do not like anything about me and have said things that are personal attacks on me. Fair one. That’s their choice and I have to accept that and I do. There are also a few who are bullies and on the very few occasions that I have read the links that people post here, I am always surprised that they are allowed to continue to post their venomous replies. There are also those who I think have never cruised with Carnival or who sit naked in their parent’s attic doing their best to slam Carnival as much as they can. Then there are those who hate Cruise Critic and will post here pretending to be a Cruise Critic member just to damage the reputation of the site further.

So I have decided to act and have made this decision mostly because I am so bored with trying to decide if the post is true or not. So as of today I will not post any comments that have the word Cruise Critic in it. I am doing this because most of the time they are spiteful and hateful regardless if written by a true Cruise Critic member or not. There is no doubt that the site is full of wonderful people helping each other out just like we do here and on our Facebook page. But it is obvious that this can’t continue and I want nothing else to do with Cruise Critic posts, they can stay over there. I think it’s best for everyone.

Now the only exception to this are these two points. If there is a rumor that has started on Cruise Critic and you are concerned or want clarification if it’s true or not, please do write but please don’t include the link. I will then do my best to say that it’s true or false. I will also be proud to continue to help organise meet and greets as I think these are wonderful ways to make new friends and share the love of cruising with the people you have been writing with over the past few months. I hope all Cruise Critic members join me here and on Facebook.

What I won’t be posting anymore is Cruise Critic links and comments that say I am a Cruise Critic member, etc. And so for the last time ever, I say a huge thank you to all the wonderful people who help each other and share what is good and what Carnival needs to do better and if there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know……and I say the same to those who don’t like me.

So here I am in Carnival’s marketing department writing this blog and getting ready for the next meeting. I am surrounded by tofu and EyePhones, of course. Now as you know I don’t have one of these and I know that the EyePhone has been a huge success, and no small part of that success is down to the rise of the application……..or “apps” as the beards call it, which are little floating stools of downloadable software ranging from currency converters to a pretend pint of beer.

They can do anything from turning your phone into a flashlight and making it look and sound like a light saber, all the way up to a device that measures exactly how much of a bloody idiot you look while wielding your light saber phone in public. There are some amazing apps. The iFart — the phone makes a noise like a fart. It’s a fart made cool by putting the letter “i” in front of it. Popular with schoolboys and…….ummm……people like me I guess. Still, I don’t need an app for that as I have an arse for that. There’s also Take Me to My Car — it works like this: you get out of your car and the app pinpoints your location via GPS and then, later, it guides you back to your car. If you’re the sort of person who can’t find your way back to your own car, then frankly you and this (cr)app deserve each other. Another favorite is Hold On! — a big button appears on the phone’s screen. You see how long you can hold it. That’s it. And finally, there’s Good iDea — find someone who’s bothered to download Hold On! or any number of equally mind draining EyePhone applications. Next, take their EyePhone forcibly from them, and shove it right up where their light saber app don’t shine.

Can I suggest another EyePhone app? Here’s what it does: if anyone in your meeting says anything such as “Let’s ladder up and swankify this idea” or uses their phone to drink a pretend pint of beer, what you do is simply press a button on your EyePhone and it remotely and silently lifts up a pair of my underpants that have been recently iFarted into and uses them to gag the person who is talking such bollocks……..yes……….there should be an app for that.

The beards are obviously depressed today and I can certainly understand why. Steve Jobs was an incredible man and it is obvious we have a lot to thank him for. Our children (Kye included) who so easily use touch screen of iPads and iPhones (spelt correctly in his honour) will surely never be able to fathom what life was like before Steve Jobs revolutionised their lives. His main gift seemed to be giving the world exactly what they wanted which is something Carnival tries to emulate and as people we should too.

It was a fitting tribute that today as I went to have a meeting about the bloggers cruise that on one of the beard’s desk was an EyePad………with an app showing a burning candle. I asked Jordan our Director of Carnival.com how he felt and he simply said……………”iSad”

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

So the doc gave her some antibiotics and gave me a huge bollocking because I didn’t bring her in to see him earlier. Yep, despite Heidi thinking we should I went by the old adage of “everything will be alright in the morning,” something which most British people suffer from. My Mum for instance still believes that gangrene and gastro-illness can be immediately cured by putting the kettle on and making a nice cup of tea. So there I sat last night. My daughter sitting on my knee playing with Heidi’s Eyepad and I felt awful. Awful that I had given Kye my cold that had caused her to have a sinus infection and caused her to have her first antibiotics and a nose that looked like LeBron James had thrown her the ball. Yep, I was feeling pretty awful and then suddenly………I wasn’t anymore.

I am sure you are aware that once again there is a brutal famine in east Africa and certainly here it seems to be all over the news and of course there are the usual charity appeals. Back at home we all sit on our sofas feeling awful but the compassion is buried under the blanket of our own comforts and conveniences. The fact of the matter is that Africa’s leaders are the most corrupt in the world and so much of the money and food that gets there is not given to the people who really need it, which is a crying shame. Please don’t judge me here but I went to see Live Aid with my mate Alan. I can’t remember how much we paid for our tickets but they were not cheap. And we both paid for these tickets not only because we wanted to help the starving people of Africa but also because we really wanted to see Queen and The Who. I would like to think that the money went to those poor people who were indeed starving not toward paying for some African dicktator (spelt correctly) to have a new armoured-plated Mercedes. I am not the brightest bulb on the tree but you would think there would be something, anything that could be done to make sure these bastards allow the real help to get to the people who need the most

So there I was feeling sorry for Kye and then suddenly a pair of eyes not much older than Kye’s was on the screen. A pair of empty eyes just staring, all hope gone. And then suddenly on the screen there were hundreds more just like her. I had been self absorbed in worrying about me and Kye and feeling sorry for myself and then there they were….children who had nothing to look forward to. And so I picked up the phone and gave all I could in the hope that the little girl I had seen on the television would be one of those who would be saved.

Time for some Q and A………let’s crack on.

Brenda Gaugler asked:
Dear John,

Another rumor running around CC. True or false……are all Carnival ships going smokeless after Jan.1? Thanks for the time you put into this blog!!!

John says:
Hello Brenda,

Yes indeed this is true in the same way that it’s true that one of the activities on the next Bloggers Cruise will be naked Twister. Seriously, no it’s not true in any way. Thanks for taking the time to write and for those kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Elaine Heaton asked:
Hi John,

I want to say that I am on the Carnival Ecstasy as I type this and I am not a happy person! I had asked you in an email a while back to please do something nice for my sons’ birthday but nothing has been set up, we are in cabins R151, R149 and R147. Sadly I’ve had to set up a cake, etc by myself, I am disappointed! Another thing is that this ship is sadly in need of repair and updating! And the front desk is very rude, and I have to tell you John that I am usually very upbeat and not a complainer. So maybe you can call someone quickly and see what’s up with this ship! Standing in line for 20 minutes and being ignored is not the way a PLATINUM cruiser should be treated.

Hope your day is going better than mine!

Elaine Heaton

John says:
Hello Elaine,

I am so sorry that your children did not receive the gifts I had asked to be sent although I certainly have never promised anyone that I would send a birthday cake. Normally I ask for the cruise director to send children a trophy and medallion and I guess in this case my request was not followed up on for which I sincerely apologize. The ship is currently in dry dock and will come away looking fantastic and I am sure she will look in top shape once again. Obviously you are home now and I have missed the chance to send the kids something which I will do the next time. I hope your cruise got better and my apologies once again.

Best wishes.

John

MiLB Cruiser asked:

Just not good enough Heald. You write that Carnival Liberty is going to get lots of upgrades and then don’t tell us what. I guess Carnival controls you and you are what many believe you to be and that’s Gerry Cahill’s puppet. There are lots of people who want to book the ship and more who are booked as me and my DW are in November and have the right to know what we can expect on the ship which we have paid to cruise on. The world’s most read cruise site agrees

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1408978

289 angry comments about you not telling us the information shows you that not informing your customers is a Heald size mistake! NCL always releases their dry dock and upgrade information. I only hope that when you do tell us it is worth all this hype because if not expect to be keelhauled on Cruise Critic.

John says:
Hello MiLB Cruiser,

I actually had your comment to answer in my list of questions yesterday but as it was on the nasty side I deleted it. However I have rescued you from the trash can which you were sharing with a quickly deleted photo of a Latvian lady wearing only lipstick and a smile (Heidi was heard coming up the stairs) and an email offering of a larger thingy. I have resurrected you because I am sure amongst the link you posted which by the way I didn’t open are some very nice people and those who while frustrated that we haven’t told anyone about the dry dock plans understand that these new features take time and planning. As for me being a puppet for Gerry Cahill……well as much as I respect him and as much as I think he is leading the company into exciting times ahead and as much as I always do what he asks of me, this is my blog and nobody is going to put their hand up my bottom ……. except Doctor Longfinger of course……….the bastard. Will it be worth it……..yes……and I will give off a few hints in a moment as to why. Until then I hope you have a wonderful time on the Carnival Liberty and despite your less than pleasant threats of being keelhauled, I offer you the chance to let me know if there is anything I can do to make your cruise more enjoyable by contacting me here on the blog or on Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

Diana Louis asked:
John,

Do you know who the CD was in Oct 2005 on the Victory? I need to know.

John says:
Hello Diana Louis,

Yes indeed I do, it was George Solano who has recently retired from cruise directing. I hope this helps.

Best wishes.

John

Norman S asked:

There are far too many reasons for me to list why my last cruise on the Carnival Splendor was the best of my 19 but one of them is Miguel the maitre d. I was travelling with my 81 year old mother who suffers from Parkinsons and other health problems. Each and every night he would help her walk to her table and after seeing the difficulties she had in cutting up her food and the somewhat embarrassing experience of other guests watching me cut it for her he made sure that when the food was served it was already cut up for her. This along with the constant care and consideration he gave her made her cruise so wonderful. Please John as we didn’t get a comment card can you send this to Miguel and let the beards see it as well. They have a true gem in Miguel.

Thank you so much and we will see you on the Breeze.

John says:
Hello Norman S,

This does not surprise me at all because I know Miguel to be exactly as you describe him. I am thrilled that his actions made sure that Mum had the very best of times and I will make sure that all the right people see this. Thanks for taking the time to write and I hope indeed that we see each other on the Carnival Breeze.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Colleen’s Mum Kathy asked:

On Saturday 10/1 my family and I will be embarking on our first cruise with Carnival on the Carnival Dream. On 10/4 it will be my daughter’s birthday. She recently graduated high school valedictorian and will be spending a year serving in the Peace Corps before attending the University of Oklahoma and she deserves to be made to feel special. I would like her cabin (2412) decorated and I think it would be good if the ship could acknowledge her during a show and for her to be presented with something by the boats captain. I was told this would be the place to get these things accomplished.

John says:
Hello Colleen’s Mum Kathy,

It seems that you have every right to be a very proud Mum and congratulations to Colleen on all her achievements so far and I wish her safe travels as she spends time helping others in the Peace Corps. You can indeed get your room decorated and even though you are sailing this Saturday it is not too late. Please go to www.carnival.com/bonvoyage and you can arrange this online. Now while I can’t promise that the captain will present her with something I will indeed send her something to say congratulations………by the way I had to ask Uncle Google what valedictorian was so I can see she has achieved a lot. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and I hope it will be the first of many.

Best wishes.

John

Tom Stellison asked:
John,

I have cruised with you twice and have to tell you I find your humor annoying. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. We were on the Carnival Splendor with you two weeks before the fire broke out and this was the second time we had seen you. I am going to be on the Carnival Dream over Christmas and wanted to see if you are going to be there as well and if not (of which I am hopeful) who the director will be.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Tom Stellison,

I am fully aware that my humour is not for everyone and you will be glad to know that you won’t have to put up with me on the Carnival Dream. Your CD will be the brilliant Butch Begovitch who I have no doubts that you will truly enjoy. I wish you a wonderful cruise and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Tileman asked:
John,

This is a dining question. I know lots of passengers enjoy the songs and dances and parades there are many more who do not and find them intrusive to the dining experience and embarrassing for the waiters to have to dance like performing chimps. Can I ask that on my cruise in January 29 on Carnival Magic to be seated as far away as possible from all of this so that my family and I can continue our conversation and not be forced into having to clap our hands and stamp our feet. Our stateroom numbers are 7339 and 7357. Thank you for your consideration.

John says:
Hello Tileman,

It is very rare actually that I see comments that state they do not like the parades and I must if you will allow me to promise you that for the most part the staff have a lot of fun performing them. However I can understand that some guests prefer not be involved in them of course and I will certainly ask the maitre d to put you on the upper level in an area where you won’t have these performances so up close. You will still hear the music of course and see the other guests enjoying them but they will be over very quickly. Please can I ask that you remind me about this here on the blog six weeks before you sail or a week before on Facebook. I am sure you will have a brilliant cruise and please let me know if I can help in any other way.

Best wishes.

John

Brandon Campbell asked:
John,

I have written you several times and really enjoy your blog thingy. I just returned from my eighth cruise with Carnival and have to say it was the worst yet. My family sailed on the Carnival Conquest out of Galveston on August 7. While there were plenty of highlights there were far too many lowlights which is something I have not experienced on any ship. First I would like to compliment the people who did do a good job.

Starting with the entertainment staff we played many of the various games that were offered throughout the week and they all did a wonderful job. Secondly I would like to thank Kim the Karaoke DJ. He made me laugh on multiple occasions and he is a fun addition to your crew.

Now on to the things that did not go well. First it was warm in every area of the ship. We received a letter on the third night saying that one of the circuits had been fried that night and that the AC had been messed up temporarily. However, it remained hot the entire cruise. At dinner it could not have been less than 80 a couple of nights. Next, the food was not nearly as good as any of the other cruises I have been on. My wife ordered some sort of fish every night and they all came back dry and overcooked. Our waiter Young was very good and he continually tried to help us get good dishes just nothing seemed to be cooked right. Next, our wait staff in the dining room was very rude. The food there was divine though so that at least was a positive. All in all we had fun but that was more due to our group’s ability to make fun out of anything than the cruise lines. I love Carnival and I have always spoken highly of them always had fun and enjoyed the food. This one just seemed cheap. It was like

Carnival and spared nothing in its attempt to save a few dollars. Nothing seemed fresh or new or clean just old, unclassey, and boring. I will travel Carnival again, and I hope its better. I still love cruising and will do it for the rest of my life. I just don’t want Carnival to turn into the Motel 8 of cruising.

Thanks for listening. Hope all is well.

John says:
Hello Brandon Campbell,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this review which I have sent to the ship and the shore side beards as well. I was aware that there had been an air conditioning problem for a short time and that really is something that I can understand must have been very uncomfortable and for which I sincerely apologise. I am confused about the food which you describe both as “divine” and also stated it wasn’t very good. You also stated your waiter Young was very good but then said “Our wait staff in the dining room was very rude.” Please can you clarify this for me as rudeness is something we will not tolerate so I would be grateful if you could clear this bit up please. Obviously we can do better though and we will I promise and I hope that you will come and sail with us again. I have sent this also to our guest service department who will be in touch. Thanks again for writing and I hope to hear from you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Helen Molby asked:
John,

Can you tell me if there are beach wheelchairs on Half Moon Cay that we can rent. I heard that there were but I called my PVP and she didn’t know and suggested I write to you. Thanks for all you do.

John says:
Hello Helen Molby,

I see you posted this on August 22 and I hope that you haven’t sailed already. There are indeed beach wheelchairs available free of charge on Half Moon Cay and as you disembark the tender you need to tell one of the staff that you require on and they will assist you. Please let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your 10 questions for today and in a few minutes I will be off to see a specialist about my arm that last night hurt so much I thought one of Sigourney Weaver’s Aliens was going to come bursting out.

As you can see I answered another question about the Carnival Liberty which included being keelhauled if the announcement wasn’t exciting enough. Well, let’s see what happens on October 3 shall we when in front of the industry’s most influential press types I introduce Gerry Cahill who will let everyone know what is going to happen. Oh by the way, myself and Gerry Cahill may not be the only people you recognise. Once I have introduced Gerry I will post live on Facebook exactly what is going to happen and then sit back and see if I have survived a Cruise Critic keelhauling. I have no doubts that I will.

Today I sent another 109 Chef’s table reservations to the fleet .This event continues to be so popular. Carnival Magic has a different menu to the rest of the fleet and it includes something called Wagu beef which is apparently a cow that has been dining on caviar and had its udders tickled by a Latvian cow before ending up on our guest’s dinner plate. It is extraordinary though and the comments that the chef received on this dish were incredible and there are plans to add the Wagu beef to The Chef’s Tables soon. Please remember that you can book Chef’s Table spots at anytime via this link thingy and we are now taking them for the Carnival Breeze as well.

OK, I have to go to the doctors and I want to leave you with two things.

First of all this.

Hector Garcia asked:
John,

Thank you for arranging our family table on the Carnival Fantasy which made our cruise. Everything was so good and the kids loved everything but they especially loved the chocolate melting desert cake which our waitress Salena always served with two scoops of vanilla ice cream and say “One is never enough.” This is something our kids are still saying now and I wondered if you could post the recipe for the chocolate heaven. This would make Roberto and Luci very happy indeed.

Thanks John, you are one of a kind.

John says:
Hello Hector Garcia,

What a brilliant advert for the Carnival Fantasy and of course the now massively famous Chocolate Melting Cake. I will pass on your thanks to Salena and she will be thrilled to see her name in writing. So rather than post the recipe I thought I would re post this video that I made a year or so ago which shows the Chef making the CMC in person. I hope you enjoy it and I hope we will see you again on another cruise.

Best wishes to all.

John

I miss the Carnival Magic a lot, especially her crew and of course my soon to be executive assistant (a self imposed title) Calvyn Champagne Martens.

Here he is reporting from the ship:

A Lonesome Melody

Last night I sat down and I listened to one of my favorite depressing songs: “Somewhere Out There” from the soundtrack to the movie: “Fivel – An American Tail.” Why am I depressed? Both Melody and John have left for 41.5 days and counting. I think that ‘depressed’ is being slightly over dramatic, and don’t get me wrong, I am happy for the break of having to dodge a 100 degree “lukewarm” coffee coming at my head, or red sharpies being thrown in my direction every time I make direct eye contact at “The Heald.” However, I have to say I miss the little guy. As well as missing John, I have to say that I am also missing Melody, his PA. Being 31 and in the position of entertainment staff is actually quite rare as my colleagues are folks in their really early 20’s. Now I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, it’s just that it is so… well let’s just say that they have a way of making life seem more complicated. I feel as if I’m living in the soap opera “The Days of our Lives” except we are at sea, so “The Waves of our Lives.” I sketch you this scenario so I can express how much I am already missing Melody. Because she is in her very early 30’s like me and I feel that we have a special connection because of it. For instance, when Melody is drinking a can of Coke, I can look at her and say “Drink your juice, Shelby” and have her rolling with fits of laughter because she understands my reference. If I said “Drink your juice, Shelby” to another member of our team they would never understand that I am referencing one of the greatest movies ever to have been made: Steel Magnolias!

And as my two friends are gone for 41.25 days I have come up with the five things I will miss most about them:

1) Having John call Melody and I to come up and finish our game of naked Twister

2) Late night calls at the RedFrog Pub when I should be sleeping… I mean hello, it’s 10pm!

3) Licking a piece of fruit from “The Heald’s” fruit basket so he is forced to give it to me. (this one drives him insane – he hates sharing his fruit basket)

4) Our morning show pow-wow’s

5) Laughing together.

And in the same spirit, here is a list of the five things I will not miss about Melody and “The Heald”:

1) My left hand on blue while Johns right foot is on red

2) Having John and Melody ask if I showered… I mean hello, I went in the hot tub which is basically the same thing

3) Trying to buy cheese for John – Picture it: Melody and I standing in front of the massive cheese section with hundreds of foreign cheeses stressing out with sweat pouring off of us asking each other the same question over and over again “will he like this one?”

4) Painstakingly taking out all of the green colored sugar free JellyBelly jelly beans that guests buy John because he says that the green ones talk to him. (Okay I made up that up, they don’t talk to him, he just doesn’t like that particular shade of green).

5) Two words: Back waxing.

In John’s absence, the Carnival Magic is definitely missing a presence, however, I have to say that James is carrying the torch and bringing a new flavor to the ship. He signs off every morning show, every announcement, and every talk with the word ‘Cheerio.’ I don’t get it. He must really like Cheerio’s. So in kind, I have started to sign off with my favorite cereal: “My name is Calvyn from Canada, thank you for watching, Fruit Loops.” James says it’s not the same, I beg to differ.

One thing that James is doing that John would never allow is letting the team earn points in order to use his bathtub. There are very few crew cabins with bathtubs and the cruise director’s cabin is one of the lucky ones. I am not sure how you go about earning bathtub points, but I will find out because I can imagine the horror on John’s face when he finds out I have had a bath in the tub he has to use again in November. I was disappointed he doesn’t have a bidet and instead I had to do what John does, a handstand in the shower. He also left some hemorrhoid cream which I have used on the wrinkles around my eyes.

All in all I am looking forward to the return of ‘The Heald’ and Melody in 41 days. Till then I will be earning bathing points and listening to ‘Somewhere out there’ as I play Twister all by myself.

For reference I have typed out the lyrics to my favorite song sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram:

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone’s thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone’s saying a prayer,
That we’ll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star,
And when the night will start to sing
A lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.
Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone’s thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone’s saying a prayer,
That we’ll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there
Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through
Then we’ll be together,
Somewhere out there, out where dreams come true.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

Calvyn Champagne Martens
Executive Assistant to Big Daddy John Heald

Oh FFS………..I have created a monster.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

Yesterday I was on a conference call and while we were waiting for two other beards to join us, Eric and Everett started to talk about fruit and specifically Apple. And while I sat here on the Carnival Magic in my underpants waiting for the call to start, I listened to them both dribbling and drooling about the Eyephone 5 that apparently is on the way and that this shiny thing, the Eyephone………is the world’s most important invention of the last 100 years – the Eyephone.

Now normally I don’t get involved in conversations like this but I couldn’t help myself this time. Really chaps, the most important invention in the last 100 years? More say than the flushing toilet? Let’s see how cool your Eyephone makes you look when you’re carrying your number twos around in a bucket. What about pain medication? Would every beard with an Eyephone who would like to have hemorrhoid surgery without anesthetic, please raise their hand? You’ll have your precious apps to take your mind off the scalpel slitting through your arse. And don’t forget your bucket. You’ll need it.

I wouldn’t be surprised that if I was to survey 100 kids that half would say that their Eyephones and Facebook were more important than their parents. They’d probably swap their mother for a Playstation 4 and a free Wi-Fi. The Eyephone thing has gone mad. Most Carnival executives have thrown away their raspberries and changed to Eyephones. One Carnival vice presidential beard who is in charge of the food and has been responsible for the brilliant innovations and steakhouses and who has taken our food from good to brilliant always had a raspberry (Blackberry) but even he has gone to the fruit basket and picked an Apple. I saw him with his new shiny Eyephone when he was here on the Carnival Magic and he drooled over it the same way I drool over Megan Fox’s bottom……..They’re just cell phones with silicone breasts and hair extensions. And as the conference call began, I imagined the beards sitting around the table. There would be people with names like Jim and Stephanie and Eric and Everett and a splattering of Jordans and each of them would have Eyephones and Eyepads. Jordan probably has underpants with that Apple sign on the front of them!

But what worries me is how much time people with Eye stuff spend to convert non-believers? They’re not getting paid. They simply want to spread their happiness. It’s the sort of thing aliens would do if they wanted to covertly and slowly make sure that all humans had an Apple product that when they were ready, would admit an app that would suck out all our blood leaving the little bastards to take over the planet. You know, when those who worship the sign of the Apple and start telling you how great the product is and what a loser you are for still having a raspberry, I often wish there was a button that as soon as you pressed it gives the Apple lover instant explosive diarrhea. Yep…….there should be an App for that.

Time for today’s Q and A……….here we go.

Brian in Missouri asked:
Hi John…

I absolutely love reading your blog. I do not post insane requests on here or anything like that, and I have only been on three cruises (but booked on our fourth in February)! It is getting more and more annoying to read the stupid comments and requests on your blog. It has almost gotten to the point where I will stop reading because my blood pressure gets elevated by at least one or two posts a day. I suggest that you and/or one of the “beards” weed out the trolls and people who do not have “please” and “thank you” in their vocabulary.

Brian from Missouri

John says:
Hello Brian in Missouri,

It is always a great joy to read that people like my blog and I thank you for taking the time to tell me that you do. Good manners cost nothing, a rule my parents taught me and one that I intend to teach my daughter as well and it seems while most people who ask me for a request were brought up with the same principles, although some it seems were not. It is important I think to know that when I get a comment that I may think has been written by a “troll,” I always check to see if they are legitimate and the sad part is that with the exception of one or two……..they all are. Thanks for cruising with us, Brian, and I hope we see you many more times and remember if you ever need anything please do ask me and I will do my best to help you.

Best wishes.

John

Qu asked:
John,

My wife and I are going to be taking our first Carnival cruise although we are veterans of over 20 cruises mostly with Celebrity and Princess. We are excited to be going on the Carnival Splendor and would like to ask a question about dress code on formal evenings. On Celebrity and Princess, my wife would wear a long elegant Vera Wang dress and I a tuxedo. We wondered if we would look out of place if we were to wear this on the Carnival Splendor. Thank you John for your help and for this funny blog and please can I say that as a Californian, I appreciate Carnival not abandoning us like other lines have.

John says:
Hello Qu,

I was very pleased to read that you will be sailing the Carnival Splendor for your first cruise experience with us and I have no fear or trepidation in saying that I am positive that you will have a brilliant time. There will be two elegant nights with the main one on the evening of the first day at sea and to answer your question, the answer is no, you will absolutely not look out of place. Yesterday on Facebook we were all talking about dress code (again) and so this post is very appropriate. I will admit that having spent four months as cruise director on the Carnival Splendor that many of your fellow Californians preferred a more elegant casual approach and I am sure you will draw comments of how wonderful you both look rather than anything else. So please, yes, wear your evening wear and enjoy the night. I really enjoyed my time on the West Coast and I hope that your cruise will be the first of many with us. Best wishes to you both.

John

Stargazer asked:
John,

My cruise on the Carnival Freedom was my second with Carnival and the service was terrible from start to finish in every area. But the kicker was when I asked a photographer to take a photo of me and my three children with our camera using one of Carnival’s backdrops of the Titanic stairs on formal night I was rudely told that it wasn’t allowed. I am a single mother and can’t afford to pay the high prices Carnival charges for its photos. There should be provisions made for single mothers and to be told no and that it was not allowed was disgusting to me. The photographers name was______ and my booking number was ****** and I have written to Carnival about this and have gotten zero response.

John says:
Hello Stargazer,

First of all I am sorry to read that you were not pleased with the service on the Carnival Freedom and I have sent this to the ship and the people in our Miami office. I see you posted this a month ago so I am sure you have heard from them by now but as I said, I have sent it to them again just in case. I am sorry that the photographer (whose name I have deleted from the post) was, in your opinion, rude but I promise you he was just following instructions. The portraits are just for our professional photographers to use and, of course, we make money from selling the photos. I do understand that these high quality portraits have a cost associated with them and of course I have every understanding that being a single Mum must be difficult. So please accept my apology and I hope in turn that you can understand that the photographer was just following his duties. I hope that you did have fun together as a family on the Carnival Freedom and someone will be in touch soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carol Anne P asked:
John,

I have a question about table reservations. I see that you are taking reservations for tables of two and that’s what I am writing for but there is a twist. I have emailed you in private twice but gotten no reply so I guess I have no other choice but to ask you here. I won’t state why but I need to make sure that my husband and I do not under any circumstances get seated with other passengers. It’s not that we are unsociable but more of a personal nature that if you had bothered to reply to my e mails you would understand. Our cruise starts from Galveston on 9/11 aboard the Carnival Conquest and our cabin is on deck 6299. I hope this gets done as it is so important to the two of us.

John says:
Hello Carol Anne P,

I am sorry that I didn’t see your email, what address did you use? It is difficult to keep up with all the correspondence I get here and on Facebook as well as email but I honestly do try my best. I see that you are sailing in a few days and so I have asked the maitre d to do his best to arrange a table for two. I can’t promise that it will be so but he will do his best. I hope you have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kurt asked:
John,

Settle a bet. The hot tubs on Carnival. Are they salt water or fresh water?

John says:
Hello Kurt,

I wonder who wins this bet and what the prize is? The answer is……drum roll please………fresh water. The pools are salt water but the whirlpools have fresh water.

Best wishes and hope you won.

John

Javier Macias asked:
John,

I have been searching for some information about cruising for Spanish-speaking people but can’t find any and was directed to your blog. I want to book a big family group of 22 Cuban Americans many of which won’t speak English. Is there a Carnival boat that has shows and entertainment in Spanish and one that preferably sails from South Florida?

John says:
Hello Javier Macias,

Thank you for finding the blog. You know many years ago Carnival did operate a Spanish-only speaking cruise ship called Fiesta Marina which had been the Carnivale. However, these days all our ships have English as the spoken language at the shows and by the service staff. Now if you were to book one of our ships that sail from Miami or Port Everglades I could assist you with a Spanish speaking waiter and there would be a wonderful Latin band for you all to dance to but the shows and announcements, etc., would be only in English. I hope that you can book, it would be wonderful to have you on board one of our ships and please let me know if I can help further

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
John,

I have been reading your blog for several months now. There seems to be a recurring comment regarding the rudeness of Texas passengers. As a Texan, I find myself completely dumbfounded by these posts. I have cruised out of Texas three times and October will be my forth. Sure I have encountered rude people, but there are no doubt rude people on every cruise and out of every port. The number of rude people I have encountered has been very minimal. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for taking up for us “rude Texas cruisers.” I also want to thank Carnival for bringing Carnival Magic to Galveston. We are looking forward to getting to sail her and I think Texas is very well deserving of this honor.

Thanks,

Paul

John says:
Hello Paul,

I think the best way for me to answer this is to simply say that I was “completely dumfounded” myself. Having been the CD on the Carnival Conquest for four months, I have nothing but wonderful memories of the guests who I tried to entertain. We are all excited to be bringing this wonderful ship to Galveston and I hope to see you there.

Best wishes.

John

Deb D. asked:
Hi John,

I’m a solo traveler and I really have to hunt, and hunt, and hunt for the absolute best bargains so that I can enjoy a cruise on my own. Even a lot of inside cabins are too pricey simply because I have to pay for two people. Although many think the Epic homely, to me she’s brilliant because of the Studio cabins for solos. The occupants of these cabins have their own lounge and even their own CD who arranges get-togethers and activities so you can meet people, etc. When will Carnival catch up with NCL in this regard? Also, I will be on the Triumph 9/17. Do you know of any activities, or get-togethers, etc. for the solos?

Thanks much.

John says:
Hello Deb D,

I found this post fascinating, especially the bit about NCL having a special activity director for single cruisers. When you sail on the Carnival Triumph there will be a meet and greet for single guests. There is no point in not admitting that compared to what you have described is available both in accommodation and in activities, as it seems we indeed have different ways of catering to single guests. Thanks for telling me about this and I will send this to some folks here at Carnival to let them know your thoughts on single cruisers.

Best wishes.

John

Bobbie Alex asked:
John,

While I like the information your blog supplies, I think it’s time you entered the PC world and realize that many people could be and probably are easily offended, by what you mean to be a joke! You seem not to have any sympathy for people with physical, mental or other disabilities and while this may OK in the UK it is not OK here in the United States. Please take this to heart.

John says:
Hello Bobi Alex,

Please allow me to apologise immediately if I have written anything that has offended you which I guess from reading your post I obviously have. Could you write again and let me know specifically the things you have found to be offensive? I know that respect must be given to everyone but I also have to share my belief that there has to be some room for laughter. A travel writer whom I greatly respect described my humour as being “inappropriate” and I can see their point to a certain degree but I have to say that as we approach the end of 2011 and with all the problems the world has I think we don’t need more and more rules and PC regulations, we need as much laughter as we can get. I always make fun of myself first and then others and I know along the way that I may offend some and for that I sincerely apologise.

Best wishes.

John

Mike Hyer asked:
Hello John,

Thanks for all you do and I sure do hope you are enjoying having your girls on the ship with you this week. I have seen a few comments regarding on shore personnel. I wanted to give a shout out to our CVP. Omir “Alan” Hantem was awesome during our initial decision phase. I know at times he probably wanted to come through the phone and tell me to make up my mind but he was as cool as a cucumber and really assisted with pricing and cabin availabilities at three different ports and three different ships. When we finally made our reservations, it was on a Sunday afternoon, his off day but he wanted me to call him whenever we made our decision. He was very friendly and professional and deserves some recognition from the beards above him. We decided on the second to last Carnival Elation sailing out of Mobile in October and we are really looking forward to it. Alan was on top of things when our final payment came due and made sure he called and sent an email reminding me of when our final deposit was due. We have received nothing but excellent customer service when dealing with Carnival. This is our second Carnival cruise and our seventh overall. My wife and I actually met on the now-defunct Big Red Boat back in the mid-1990s and have enjoyed cruising ever since we got married. Hopefully this cruise is a carrot that we can dangle over our girl’s head as an incentive to really want to go to kindergarten this year. Thanks as always for what you’re doing and providing a voice and a face for the entire Carnival brand. You also give us an inside look at what working on a cruise ship is about. Hearing your stories about customers and their demands, I do not envy you in one bit but I certainly love hearing the tales that are thought of by the passengers to get something free out of nothing.

God Bless,

Mike

John says:
Hello Mike Hyer,

What a wonderful post on which to end today’s Q & A and I am thrilled to read about Omir. He will also be thrilled when I send him this and he is another example of how hard our shoreside team is working to provide the best in customer care. I remember seeing the Premier cruise ships docked in Nassau when I was there on the Carnivale and Carnival Fantasy. Goodness me, those days seem so long ago. I hope we do see you again and if there is anything you need please let me know.

Best wishes to you and the family.

John

And that’s your lot for today.

Time to meet the latest group of brilliant piano bar entertainers…………here they are.

Carnival Sensation: Adam Saxe – 09/01/11
Carnival Fascination: Larry Maconaghy – 09/03/11
Carnival Dream: Milburn Dumas – 09/03/11
Carnival Conquest: Walter Boik – 09/04/11
Carnival Victory: Tom Grable – 09/04/11
Carnival Ecstasy: Agustin Villarin – 09/08/11
Carnival Destiny: Seth Gibson – 09/10/11
Carnival Miracle: William Barclay – 09/11/11
Carnival Triumph: Lorraine Ingle – 09/22/11
Carnival Legend: Lizl Strauss – 10/02/11
Carnival Paradise: Jordan Heppner – 10/07/11
Carnival Liberty: Pollyanna Jones – 10/08/11
Carnival Valor: Robert Crucilla – 10/16/11
Carnival Elation: Bruce McGhie – 10/22/11
Carnival Imagination: Angela Johnson – 11/04/11
Carnival Splendor: Jason Davis – 11/13/11
Carnival Fantasy: Hrvoje Knezevic – 11/28/11
Carnival Inspiration: Jafar Curry – 12/03/11
Carnival Pride: James Quigley – 12/04/11
Carnival Spirit: Keith Turner – 01/06/12
Carnival Freedom: Marty Gast – 01/14/12
Carnival Magic: Jim Morris – 01/15/12
Carnival Glory: Tom Riccio – 02/26/12

Recently I spoke with Laura AKA “Divetrash” who is our President of the Piano Bar Entertainers Appreciation Society about who are considered the top three in the fleet and I know she is polling that information for me on Cruise Critic. I am sure that you have your own thoughts, as well, so please let me know who has impressed you in the piano bars and if you wish, who has not. Thanks to you and thanks to all of them for continuing to make the piano bars so much fun.

So the guests here are lovely this week and that’s despite 411 French Canadians and 268 Russians. However, I think it is safe to say that some guests are a little less well traveled this cruise. Here is one reason why I say that.

Guest: Mrs _______ Ref: 00886675119A Cabin: _______ Booking#: _________ Added-Changed: 09/05/11 – 09/05/11

MONTE CARLO WILL NOT ACCEPT U.S. DOLLARS

Mrs ________ came to the GSD desk and said that she had walked into Monte Carlo and tried to purchase souvenirs but the shops would not accept US dollars. GSA confirmed this to be correct and guest got very angry saying that everyone took United States money on her last cruise which guest says was to the Baltic. Guest said that all she had was US dollars and if she changed them to Euros she would lose money on the exchange rate. Guest said that Carnival had misled her as passengers should have been told this when they booked.

This is not an unusual comment. It won’t be the first and it won’t be the last time that this happens. I talk about this at my orientation meeting and it is in print as well yet each cruise we have a guest or two that seem shocked and angry when stores in Italy, France and Spain won’t take the dollar.

Apart from the odd moan and groan everything is going well and we are in demonstration free Rome today. I was a bit cheeky yesterday and made sure that the big screen had a clip of the thousands of people in Rome yesterday crowding the streets demonstrating against the government’s budget cuts. We definitely made the right decision on this one.

I want to tell you about my left arm and about a girl called Helen. I remember vividly, back when I was at school, competing with a school mate to chat up this gorgeous girl. He was captain of the football (soccer) team and was therefore equipped with a wedge like torso, firm thighs and shoulders broad enough to land a 747 on. Me? Well, back then I was supermodel skinny with a face dotted with zits and a hairstyle designed by mum putting a cap on my head and cutting around the edges. The only way round this was to try and make Helen laugh so I told my best joke about the nun and the elephant and the result was that 30 minutes later the girl was behind the bike sheds playing tonsil hockey with the captain of the soccer team. This was proof that whoever said that, “Women don’t care about looks and prefer a man with a sense of humour” was obviously talking bollocks. Fill a room with gorgeous looking women and have me and Johnny Depp walk in and I guarantee that even though Johnny Depp is as funny as a bleeding hemorrhoid, it will be Mr Depp who gets the girls.

It’s true. A sense of humour is worth bugger all in the rumpy pumpy market. Ladies, do you look at Jay Leno and think “Phwoar?” Is David Letterman a sex object, was John Candy Johnny Depp in a fat suit……nope……they are the funniest of people but like me they have all probably lost women to people like that American Idol chap Ryan Seaweed. I think that the evidence is even more acute for women. Rosanne Barr and Joan Rivers. Notice anything they have in common? Yes, you’re right! They’re all much funnier than Megan Fox yet I know whose bottom I want to wake up next to in the morning.

Anyway, back to this young lady called Helen. I lost her to Carl, the captain of the school football team but a year or so later when I was around 16 years old I went to a party and thanks to the fact that Carl had emigrated to Australia with his family and that Helen was drunk on some cheap wine, I managed to walk her home and do a little fooling around. I was in heaven. But after that we lost touch and I never heard from her again. Until this morning.

I wasn’t feeling my best when I sat here to write to you in my underpants at 7:50am. I have had the most awful pain in my left hand and through the top of my arm and after ignoring it as men do I finally asked the nurse and she said I have something called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome. This apparently could be a side effect of my diabetes but more likely she said because I have been sitting at the computer incorrectly and have damaged the nerves. So she gave me an arm brace to wear although I tried it on and its sodding uncomfortable so its sitting in my sock drawer at the moment and I am working through the pain.

Anyway, I wasn’t feeling my best until I went to Facebook. I have 18,200 friends now and it’s growing so quickly. One thing I have noticed is that everything on Facebook is accelerated. Friendships are established, invitations are accepted, and opportunities are created. But also, dreams are crushed. I know this morning I decided to search for Helen as she had been on my mind, don’t know why, she just was. Anyway, I found her Facebook page and there she was, the girl who I had kissed passionately and squeezed parts of her like I was trying to get juice from an orange. I often wondered if she remembered that kiss and that stolen moment as we fumbled in the dark. Obviously the experience of being kissed and groped by me did indeed have a profound effect on her because her Facebook page proudly states ……….she’s a lesbian.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

Ref: 872294249A Cabin: **** Booking#:******Added-Changed: 08/21/11 – 08/21/1

CABIN COMMENTS

Guest called the GSD at 6:15am and asked that someone come immediately to their cabin as the red stand by light on the television was stopping them from sleeping. Guest also asked that the stateroom steward remove the Bible from the cabin but he had not done so. Joiner on duty went to cabin and placed a piece of black tape over the red light on the television and the guest handed the Bible to him which was delivered to the GSD.

Added-Changed: 8/22/11 – 8/22/11 – Mrs. _______ removed all gratuities from cabin ______. GSA asked if she would like to discuss why this was done but she refused.

Red lights, Bibles and canceling gratuities. Let’s discuss this and try and work out what’s going on here. Ummmmm……….ummmmmmmmmmmm……..well honestly I haven’t a sodding clue. Do you?

Time for some Q and A………here we go.

Wanda Puckett asked:
Hi John,

Just started following your blog and comments and I absolutely love it. I will be enjoying my tenth Carnival cruise September 26 on the Carnival Fantasy. It will be my third (or fourth) on the Carnival Fantasy and I absolutely love it. My husband proposed to me in the piano bar on this ship in 2004. Just wanted to “poop” in and say hi. Looking forward to maybe sailing with you one day. Keep up the great blogs.

John says:
Hello Wanda Puckett,

It is always such a pleasure to welcome new readers to the blog and to Facebook and especially one who has been such a loyal customer to Carnival over the years. How brilliant that your proposal took place on the Carnival Fantasy where you will be returning to once again. If there is anything you need before you sail please let me know via Facebook and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Julie Gregory asked:
John,

I am cruising the Carnival Spirit 9/13/2011, and lucky for me I will be Platinum. Started cruising 2/20/2009 and just love it! My question is I understand on Cruise Critic that Carnival has set up a certain time for a meet and greet for Cruise Critic members, but that it was still under debate. Can you please let me know which day and time we will be scheduled for the Cruise Critic meet and greet so I can post it on our roll call? Thanks so much, and have a great week!

Julie G.

John says:
Hello Julie Gregory,

Many congratulations on reaching your Platinum status and doing so on the gorgeous Carnival Spirit. I have asked all the cruise directors to set up a meet and greet on either embarkation day or if there is a sea day directly after sailing then it will be scheduled for that afternoon. The Fun Times will reflect this with a “Cruise Critic Meet and Greet” listed in the rundown. If there is a specific time you would like to request please let me know. I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Jeffrey Berliner asked:
John,

My wife and I were on the July 10 sailing of the Carnival Magic. We have done 16 cruises (not all on Carnival) and just wanted to let you know that this cruise may have been the best. The ship is beautiful, the food and service was excellent, the shows were great and you were hilarious. We agree with you that live music is best, and while many walked out on the violinist, and we are not real classic violin fans, we enjoyed her show. I am just disappointed that we didn’t get a chance to meet. It is interesting to read the blog and the Facebook posts to see what we missed on the cruise, all the complaining that people do. I don’t know how you deal with it without going crazy. I know that you get many complaints, but I just wanted to pass along our praise for a job well done by you and the entire staff that we came into contact with. No fruit basket or autographed book, but many good memories.

Best regards.

John says:
Hello Jeffery Berliner,

I was just telling a guest this morning how on a ship with 4,500 people how difficult it is to meet everyone, especially when I have blogs and FB and all the other stuff that goes into running the ship. So I apologise that we never met in person but I am so glad that you had such a great time and that the cruise was your best yet. I hope that we will see each other on board again and this time we will get to shake hands. Thanks so much for those very kind words and I am so glad you had fun.

Best wishes.

John

Veronica C asked:
Hello John,

I was part of a Cruise Critic roll call on Carnival Spirit on the May 4 sailing. Since returning I have read that on NCL and RCCL the captain and cruise director and other ship officers attend and stand at the door to meet the passengers. On our roll call there was no captain or cruise director just one lady who stopped by for 30 seconds and then left again. Why is it John that Carnival cares little for these functions and yet the other companies do? I feel very slighted by this having now seen that other Cruise Critic meet and greets are treated with care and attention by the other cruise companies.

John says:
Hello Veronica C,

First of all I do hope that you and your Cruise Critic friends had fun and that after talking to each other online that meeting in person gave you a chance to meet new friends and hopefully some of those friendships will last a long time to come. I have (as I mentioned above in answering Julie’s question) recently asked all the CD’s to set a permanent time for these very important Cruise Critic meet and greets. However, as important as they are, it is not always possible for the captain to attend. The CD maybe able to but again, it depends on his or her schedule and what is happening at that time. Please don’t feel slighted and I do hope that you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

FrankE asked:
John,

Will you definitely be the cruise director for the first cruise of the Carnival Breeze, John? We sailed on the inaugural of the Carnival Splendor with you and had so much fun that we want to do it again and were looking at Carnival Breeze. Will you be there? You may remember me as I was the one who forgot the words to Mack the Knife in the talent show and you came out and held the words up for me and said that you were my music stand. It would be great to hear that we will see you on the Carnival Breeze.

John says:
Hello FrankE,

Yes indeed, I remember that well and standing there holding the words for you was fun especially if I remember I had my back to the audience and I did a little bottom jiggle while you sang. I will be there on the first cruise of the Carnival Breeze and I am glad that you will be there as well. Please let me know if you need anything.

Best wishes.

John

Carlynn Chappell asked:
John,

I am going to be cruising on the Carnival Sensation in cabin R75 along with my daughter Jade for some mother and daughter time. She is 17 and I wanted to know what time the teen ClubO2 closes at night. Can you send her a gift? She has done well at school and I am a single mom.

John says:
Hello Carlynn Chappell,

After checking your booking number I see that you actually board the ship on Thursday so I am glad I caught this. Club O2 closes at 2 am and I am sure Jade will have fun there. I will send you both a little something and wish you a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Terry Mavis asked:
John,

Would you please post the cruise directors for Carnival Triumph for February 2012 cruises or at least advise when they will be available?

Thank you.

Terry Mavis

John says:
Hello Terry Mavis,

Thanks for writing and I will have the completed schedule sometime in the middle of September. It’s almost done and as soon as it is I will post it here on the blog thingy. Please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes.

John

Thomas asked:
John,

When the Carnival Magic comes to Galveston, will you still be the cruise director?

John says:
Hello Thomas,

I will be the CD from the cruise of November 14 and leave for vacation on December 4. I return again at the end of January. I hope I will get to see you and we are all very excited about bringing this amazing ship to Texas.

Best wishes.

John

Bill Duncan asked:
John,

I am really concerned as I just booked a cruise on the Carnival Conquest for me and 12 other people to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Then I read this review on Cruise Critic that now has me concerned I may have made a big mistake.

Most of us do not smoke and certainly don’t drink a lot either and when I read about how people are allowed in the restaurant in “swim trunks and sleeveless tee shirts” I was very surprised and somewhat shocked. This is our first Carnival experience and so I guess I am asking you to clarify if this and the other statements the author made are true. Thank you for your time.

John says:
Hello Bill Duncan,

I am so glad you decided to write to me so I can absolutely say that you have not made a mistake. Let me start by saying that Cruise Critic is a brilliant site for people to be able to post their opinions about their cruise and most are honest and subjective. However, there are some people who sometimes, you have to wonder, were they on the ship at all. Now far be it for me to say that the author of this was talking nonsense but I can assure you and promise you that we never ever let guests into dinner in “swim trunks and sleeveless tee shirts straight from the pool.” In fact I sent an e mail to the maitre d of the Carnival Conquest who wrote this to me: “John, we have never allowed bathing suits and trunks at dinner or sleeveless t shirts and I am upset that this accusation has been made at me.”

As you can see, he is really upset and I don’t blame him. Look, I know that we let some of our dress codes slide, allowing a T-shirt here and a pair of jeans there but to state that we have guests coming in swim trunks is quite honestly a lie. The end. Bill, please take the time to read the other reviews on Cruise Critic which are honest and true and most of which give the Carnival Conquest rave reviews and although I can’t say for certain as time doesn’t allow me to read them …..I bet none of them mention swim trunks being worn in the dining room. So have a brilliant time and I wish you a very happy 50th wedding anniversary.

Best wishes.

John

Kelli Pilsbury asked:
Hi John,

Thank-you so much for answering my last question! My husband is a huge wine lover…….but fussy. My next question for you: Why can we each take a bottle of wine on board for a three-day cruise, but still only take one bottle each on an eight-day cruise? I suppose it is either a tracking issue or legal issue?

John says:
Hello Kelli Pilsbury,

I have to say that this is a rule that I never quite understood but it is the rule. If you are on a three-day cruise or a 16 day trans-Atlantic crossing then the one bottle rule stands. I will bring this up with the beards again. I will say that our new wine list has something for everyone and hopefully your husband will agree. Please let me know if you need anything else and have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Helen M asked:
Hi John,

I have enjoyed reading your blog so much these past few weeks as I have been preparing for our first ever cruise. I know that people ask you for things here and normally I would never do this but I know if anyone can get this done you can, John. My fiancé has returned from his second tour of Afghanistan. He doesn’t have one of those war stories you read about so much because he is a chef and cooks the hundreds of meals for the men and women at Bagram Airbase. I don’t get to see much of him and I was hoping that we could have a table for just the two of us so we can get to know each other again as it’s been seven very long months. We will be on the Carnival Fantasy ship on 9/10 for five days together. Thank you John and thank you for keeping me laughing. Booking ******.

John says:
Hello Helen M,

There are still some people who question why I help people with dinner seatings and there are still some who get angry about it. So for those who question “Why??”……here is your answer.

I wish you the very best time Helen and I hope that this cruise will bring you closer together. I have asked the maitre d to reserve you a table for two and please thank your fiancé for the wonderful work he does and give him a big “welcome home” from us all.

Best wishes.

John

Lifelong Browns Fan asked:
John,

I sail on the Carnival Freedom right at the start of the NFL season and I am getting conflicting reports that the boat will show the games. The game I want is Bengals at the Browns and it is on CBS. This is the Browns year and I have never missed the start of a season in 15 years and I wasn’t happy when I discovered that my wife had booked a cruise. Will the game be shown!! Please respond!!!

John says:
Hello Lifelong Browns Fan,

I can feel your passion Mr. Brown and I am glad this is going to be your year. I have no idea who the Browns are but if their game is shown on CBS there is a chance that we will get it and that it will be shown in the Carnival Freedom’s sports bar on deck 5 forward. I can’t promise for sure but I hope for your sake and your wife’s that it is. Have a great cruise and hope you win the World Series.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and I will return tomorrow with more and each day on Facebook.

Well I finally got told what my confirmed schedule is for the rest of this year and there have been one or two changes. Here it is:

So I was due to leave the Carnival Magic on October 6, have two weeks at home and then head to the first cruise of the Carnival Liberty as she comes out of dry dock. I will also spend some time on Carnival Liberty during dry dock taping before and after videos with the beards for the blog and Facebook. Now I am not sure if I am staying the whole two weeks or if I am going to fly from Miami to the dry dock facility in Freeport, Bahamas, but I will be showing you close up what happens during this time. Now this means pulling me off the Carnival Magic earlier than forecast. And no……I can’t tell you any details about the Carnival Liberty yet but the fact that Carnival is taking me off the ship, lodging my fat arse in an economy seat and making me wait for four hours under the kind and welcoming hospitality that is Miami Airport’s United States Customs and Border Protection, shows you just how excited everyone is about this project.

So this is what’s happening then:

SEPTEMBER 16: FLY FROM BARCELONA TO LONDON AND TO THE GIRLS AND TWO WEEKS VACATION

SEPTEMBER 29: FLY TO MIAMI

OCTOBER 2: SAIL CARNIVAL LIBERTY TO FREEPORT DRY DOCK

OCTOBER 22 – 29: SAIL ON CARNIVAL LIBERTY AND BLOG FIRST CRUISE FROM DRY DOCK AND HOPEFULLY SHARE SOME STAGE TIME WITH MY MATE KIRK THE CD

OCTOBER 29 – NOVEMBER 7: MEETINGS IN MIAMI WITH THE BEARDS RE BLOGGERS CRUISE NUMBER 5

NOVEMBER 7: HEAD TO GALVESTON FOR PREPARATION OF CARNIVAL MAGIC’S ARRIVAL

NOVEMBER 14: RETURN AS CD ON CARNIVAL MAGIC

DECEMBER 4: GO HOME FOR A PROPER VACATION

Now it is still my intention to have a bloggers breakfast or something in Galveston to mark the arrival of the Carnival Magic and I don’t have details of this just yet but I fully intend to meet as many of you as possible. Now I know me leaving the Carnival Magic early will disappoint some people who are sailing here and please allow me to say how sorry I am for this. I go where the beards tell me to go but I will certainly miss this amazing ship and sailing with you.

Let’s take a pause and have a look at some stunning photos of Venice at night as taken by the one and only Mr. Radu.

I have to say what a busy few days it’s been for the beards in the office. Hurricane Bastard has played havoc with scheduling and itineraries with probably the most challenging being the Carnival Victory. As you know, the United Sates Coast Guard closed the port of San Juan and the Carnival Victory had to depart, despite dozens of guests not having checked in yet. And so, for obvious safety reasons the ship sailed out of the path of the storm leaving those disappointed and I am sure some very angry people behind. Carnival though is so good at these kinds of situations now. We certainly were not always so but the last few years I think that our response teams and our care teams both shoreside and on board have done a brilliant job making sure that when something like this happens the guests are taken care of properly. And so they were all placed in hotels and when the storm passed they will be flown to Barbados to join the Carnival Victory tomorrow (Wednesday) and once on board I can promise a whole big fuss will be made of them.

Other ships have had their itineraries changed and each of those ships will have the same scenario on them. Most guests will be disappointed. Most guests will be understanding. A few guests will throw all their toys out of the stroller, jump up and down, scream, shout and hurl abuse because it’s Carnival’s fault that Hurricane Irene is heading their way. Such is life on a cruise ship. Let’s hope that Irene buggers off quickly. Anyway, the beards are continuing to meet in the “situation room” which is a state of the art conference room with ummmm……. ummmmm …….telephones…….and ummm……..a table and chairs………and they will all be monitoring what Irene is doing. We will keep you informed on carnival.com and on my Facebook page, as well.

One of the Facebookers, Tony L, who sailed with me recently and who came on board with one pair of underpants and a $10 bill and did not change either of them, asked if I would write a timeline of a typical day at sea. So this was my day yesterday as noted down by my wonderful assistant Melody with personal gaps written in by me.

7:00am: My alarm goes off. It’s my raspberry alarm and it plays the theme from West Wing so I can feel all presidential when I wake up. Sad bugger, aren’t I? Then it’s time to have a shave, shower, and my first pee of the day which being diabetic and with all the pills I take means my first pee looks like Ozzy Osbourne is going to rise up out of it.

7:35am: I am dressed and ready for the day. I check my sugar level – it’s 6.1, not sure what that is in the US standards but it’s about normal for me. I then do my blood pressure. I do this every day, I don’t know why. I guess I have become paranoid about this and bought myself a machine. This morning it’s 117/71 which is good I guess. Glad it wasn’t hooked up to me during the night when I had a dream about Megan Fox and a trampoline! I then take my morning pills which include my diabetic pill, my multi vitamin, cinnamon, cod liver oil and an extra B12 pill as well.

7:45am: I am now having breakfast which is an effervescent orange drink called Berocca and a cup of tea which I make myself. I know I should eat a good breakfast but the Berocca and the tea are good enough to get me through the morning.

8:00am: Now looking at the first thing I always look at when I sit down at my desk ……… nakedlatvians.com…….kidding……….www.bbc.co.uk and check out the news and what’s happening around the world.

8:10am: Open up the email box hoping that I will have only a few. But of course I don’t because I have two accounts. My ship cruise director account and my Carnival shore side account. There were a total of 15 in my in boxes when I went to bed and this morning its 71. Bugger.

8:45am: I have spent the last 35 minutes answering and sorting emails as well as deleting the offers of a larger thingy and a loan to pay for it. Then right on time as always in comes Melody my assistant. She has the letters that have been dropped off at the morning show and more importantly she has coffee from the Promenade Cafe. Cappuccino, skim milk, extra hot, two Splendas. I have a total of 12 new letters overnight. All but two are dedications for the morning show. One is a letter of complaint about the lines for the Vaperettos in Venice. This is standard I am sorry to say but when 4,000 guests from the Carnival Magic plus another 3,000 from the Star Princess all get off together there are going to be lines. The letter is to the point if not a little flippant and I keep it on my desk to call the guest later in the day. The other non dedication letter is another usual type, a request to visit the bridge without paying for the Behind the Fun tour. If the guest is in the Coast Guard or has served in the Navy or has a special reason why, then I will ask the captain. There is no special reason why here except it’s a graduation cruise for someone called Tyler whose parents love him very much but not enough to pay for the tour. I will send them a note back, with an apology and a trophy for Tyler, aged 16.

9:00am: Calvyn walks in dressed in – well have a look for yourself what he was wearing for the Morning Show.

He never dresses to Carnival “code” but it doesn’t bother me. He is an unusual …….ummmmmm……..shape and finds it difficult to get a uniform to fit properly and obviously I understand how he feels. But there is another reason I let him get away with this. You see he is not your cookie cutter good looking handsome or cute E staff member. Yes, he may have the posture of a three-legged yak and yes he may be as camp as Richard Simmons’ underwear drawer (sorry Richard and the guests who complained) but he is so talented and the guests………well they love him so who am I to say that he should conform? Anyway, he walks in singing that sodding Justin Beaver song again so I throw a desk calculator at his head. It hits him and he yells “Ow” and it’s off we go to the morning show.

I am going to stop there as some of you may have already slipped into a coma. I will be back with 9:15am – noon……tomorrow. I feel like Jack Bauer…….without the explosions, the man bag and not going for a poo for 24 hours, of course.

Well it’s 10:55 am now this beautiful Tuesday at sea and I just walked the ship after my Morning Show and said hello to lots of guests although I got little response from some of the kids. Do you remember when we were at school and those big text messages we used to read….they were called books. I noticed today as I wandered the ship and looked at the many children sitting on deck and along the Lanai with their parents that not one of them was reading a book……. not one. They all had their heads buried in prayer…….well, that’s what it looked like but of course their heads were bowed as they worshipped at the temple of Playstationnintendobox portable games, their minds concentrating totally on beheading a zombie.

But that’s part of the modern family I guess. Gone are the days of The Cosby Show and the Brady Bunch. Anyway, the Cosbys would show a family in love and despite their problems they would all get resolved just in time to go and eat vanilla pudding. And the Bradys…..well there were six kids. None were drug users or had criminal records yet we all loved the show and I loved Marsha. She was my first Megan Fox. Nowadays, the shows have to feature a family with no Mum or no Dad or a divorced family or a kid who is actually a mass murderer or a mother who has three jobs including a stripper but comes home to look after her teenage son who wants to be a girl and change his name from Calvin to Clarissa.

As I have mentioned in a couple of blogs last week, we have close to 1,500 British guests on board and when I say British I mean Scottish, Welsh, Irish and English and it’s fun listening to all their different accents. At the welcome aboard show I had a delightful young man called Ben on stage. He is seven and from Manchester and had a very cute and very broad Manchester accent. I also had Vera, a Scottish lady married to Dougal………what a fabulous name that is ……. Dougal …………for 52 years. As I interviewed both I could tell that the multinational audience could not understand a word they were saying so I found myself translating from Manchurian English and Scottish to……..well, American I guess. There are many regional accents in the UK, I like this, it gives us some identity and even if we move from London to Louisville or from Newcastle to New York we still have our accents, but will the next generation?
I worry about this because if you think about it whether you live in Cardiff or California, Seattle or Southend on Sea…….kids all watch the same TV.

British kids today spend half their day watching pink animated programs from America and are becoming a generation that thinks you dial 911 if you want the police and that “colour” has no “u” and they all talk like someone from that annoying TV show Glee.

A few years ago everyone thought that speaking properly meant you had to talk like the Queen who speaks like she is trying to keep a peeled grape between her buttocks, and that her vocal cords are actually made from glass. Walk around the Carnival Magic today with 1,500 Brits on board and while my generation still speaks proper English the kids sound like Beeoncehay or Justin Beaver.

But it seems that even I am slipping…………I have always considered myself to be as British as spotted dick but not anymore it seems because yesterday my mate Alan called me on my cell phone and asked “How are you?” And I replied “I’m good.”

“Sorry – you’re what?” asked my mate. I realized what I had said but it was too late and a massive bollocking followed as my friend berated me.

Americanisms from British children can just about be excused since they watch American TV all day and are too young to realise how silly they sound (that’s realise spelt properly). But from a 45-year old fat British cruise director saying this stuff, well I sound ridiculous and the more I think about it the more it seems I am really becoming American.

“Can I get….…” has largely replaced “May I have….…” when I order food. I say “apartment” not flat and the other day I remember now I said “that sucks.” Rubbish is garbage and when I mentioned this to Heidi this morning on the phone she said I also say “mail man” instead of the postman.

I’ve nothing against Americanisms – when used by Americans. It’s when us Brits use them that it’s bloody embarrassing. And now, as I sit here in my underpants (thank goodness I haven’t started calling them ummmm – what do you Americans call them by the way?) I realise it’s a losing battle because just a few minutes previous to writing this blog I had to go to the bridge and asked someone to “hold the elevator” and not “hold the lift.”

Still, thankfully there’s one US word that I haven’t yet started to say. The one Americans use for “arse,” I don’t mean ass……no I mean “fanny” which we use for something else entirely. Yes, when us Brits start asking, “Does my fanny look big in this?” ….the English language will be lost forever.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

He was the first passenger onstage with me during my travel talk and was looking for his wife. I, of course, picked up on this and had some fun with him and made him come on stage and…. well …..never mind. What’s important is that we found his wife and the audience was laughing along but when I asked where he was from and he said Norway…….my whole demeanor changed …and so did the audience’s. The terrible attack by that right wing bastard was fresh in everyone’s mind including mine so again, as I had done with the Japanese guest……..I changed tact, my voice inflection and I said that we were all thinking of him and his country. And as they had done for Japan, 1,800 guests from all over the world……..applauded in their solidarity for this guest and his country.

Then, just today, I met some Norwegian guests on Lido when I was having breakfast with the girls and I found myself instead of saying, “Are you having fun?” or “What did you do in Monaco yesterday? ” or “Bugger me your wife is gorgeous, are they real?” I went straight into the “I am so sorry, how dreadful, it’s awful, I hope they cut his bollocks off and feed them to a moose” routine. As I was saying my words of deepest sympathy I sort of got the impression that my friend from Norway was…..well….sort of fed up with it because I guess that everyone he had met had probably said the same thing. And that’s a shame as if people are going to hear the word Norway and just remember this incident then they don’t know what an extraordinary country it is.

I have always wished that Carnival would send ship to the Norwegian Fjords. My friends the Bentleys did this on a Seabourn ship a couple of years ago and said it was simply stunning and indeed that is exactly what Norway is. I have been there with Heidi and anything with the word Norwegian in it should be thought of as exciting, stunningly beautiful………..well……..except if the word Epic follows.

However, it is cold and you spend all winter being frozen to death and all summer realizing that you live in one of the most jaw droopingly awesome places on earth…. Travel outside of Oslo and you will have no reminders of the civilization you left behind. The countryside is beautiful yet weird, the people are all good looking (the bastards), the weather defies belief and some of their laws and customs leave you scratching your head.

Norway has one of the best standards of living in Western Europe and a strong economy but bugger me it’s expensive. You pay $10 for a Diet Coke to accompany your plate of moose, reindeer or elk, which will be served to you by a lady who has completely see through skin. However, you will not be bothered by any of this because you will be too baffled that unlike the rest of the world…..…..night does not follow day.

In the world we live in, there are many uncertainties, but one thing we all relay on is that without fail the sun will set and day will become night. But in Norway, from the end of April to the middle of September, night is like turning your living room dimmer switch down a wee bit and in the month of June it doesn’t happen at all. It’s the most bizarre feeling to have it as bright at 4 am in the morning as it was at 4 pm that afternoon. Then, in the winter well blink and you will miss daylight which lasts just two hours. That means there is nothing to do but drink……..and boy can they drink.

But the Norwegians are not the biggest drinkers, no for that you need to go to their next door neighbors, the Finnish. There everyone gets totally and utterly smashed, soused, hammered, blotto, out-of-their-white-faces drunk. Their motto is that it is no use drinking the odd glass of beer now and then — it is like it is in Norway too expensive and a waste of time. So why not enjoy 30 beers and two bottles of vodka? And that is exactly what they do. It was the same with the shipyard workers who built the beautiful Spirit-class ships. Their work was faultless, the men and women who built the hull and welded the decks were the nicest most professional people in the world, and they built great ships but come the weekend they turned into binge-drinking nutters who would fill Coke bottles up with nine parts vodka and one part Coke………and that was to drink on the bicycle ride home…….some were so pissed (that’s the British pissed) that they rode home on their bikes…….backwards.

The Norwegians are different than us in other ways. Take the sauna. Norwegians love the sauna and most of them use saunas every day and not just at home. Most companies provide a café maybe, a vending machine and a water cooler but in Norway most companies ignore these and instead make sure every office has a sauna and instead of starting the day with a skinny crapafrapacino and a bagel, the average Norwegian office worker starts the day naked, sitting in a sauna talking to Mr. Oleg Nipples from accounting and yes……..they are naked. Some of you are for sure going “yuccchhh” right now and some of you are planning your immediate move to Norway.

Heidi and I went to Norway in January 2006 to a friend’s wedding and I can tell you that in January ……..in Norway there was a definite shrinking issue because of the cold if you get my drift and as a result I was also peeing nonstop for four hours. The bottom line is despite the cold and the naked people in the office sauna, Norway is a beautiful country created when God was in a really good mood.

All this rambling is leading up to the point that I am trying to maker which as usual has taken me forever to tell you. You see, my first reaction was that hearing the guests were from Norway was to give them a large dollop of sympathy. And this of course cannot help but remind me of the posting from blogger “RPG” who as you may remember is a NYPD officer who will be sailing on Carnival Miracle September 11 and is very upset that the ship will be pausing to watch the memorial lights be turned on. I have been thinking about this a lot and still believe that we are doing the correct thing and that having the ship be part of the 10th anniversary remembrance service is what most of the guests want and will appreciate. But I can also see his side. I am sure that when he introduces himself to people outside of New York or Manhattan even that eventually, when they discover he is a police officer that eventually 9/11 will come up in the conversation. And that must be for someone who lived through and who watched friends and colleagues who didn’t live through it……a truly emotional and in a way exhausting experience. There was of course a brilliant sense of spirit that grew instantaneously in New York in the days after the event. I have read that there was an extraordinary feeling of togetherness, whether it was just supporting friends and family, watching the televisions that appeared in hotel lobbies and on street corners in the hours afterwards, or giving money or food to the nearest fire station, or just hugging strangers in the street. All of us were affected that day and I’m sure most of us know somebody from New York who was affected one way or the other, as well. Everybody felt the same loss. I may be totally wrong here and indeed I will send a private e mail to blogger “RPG” later today. My gut feeling is though that he just wanted to escape the pain, the memories and the intense feeling of sadness and he chose to achieve this by getting on a Carnival ship to have fun and to sail away from the intense feeling of sadness and I will do all I can to make sure that happens.

Time for today’s Q and A…………here we go

Judy asked:
John,

I have to agree with Flagmaster65 about the wait staff in the dining room especially the Monet. 14 of us went on the Conquest (third time) and during one dinner I apparently was not eating my steak fast enough for them and a waiter came to the table, grabbed my fork and knife and proceeded to cut up what was left my steak. I set there in amazement that this had happened. Come to find out the wait staff was trying to hurry us up so they could clear our table for the 8pm cruisers.

John says:
Hello Judy,

It’s not that I doubt you Judy one bit I want to make sure that this is absolutely clear. You are saying that the waiter took your knife and your fork from your hand and cut your steak into pieces? You didn’t ask him or her to, they just did it because you feel they were trying to get you to leave the dining room? If this is correct I urge you to tell me your sailing date, cabin number, etc., so I can address this with the ship’s senior management as this is obviously not only wrong but will probably lead to disciplinary action. I sincerely apologise if this is what happened and although there is limited time between the two sittings this is obviously very, very wrong. I hope to hear more from you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Hanovich asked:

We will be sailing with you on the 9/16 sailing. Our flight back to Houston departs at 8:40PM the day of debarkation. What excursion do you recommend that day that will take our luggage to the Barcelona airport? Look forward to seeing you.

John says:
Hello Dennis,

It will be a pleasure to see you soon here on your Carnival Magic and when you leave the ship there are two excursions I would recommend. First there is the Barcelona Highlights which does exactly what the name suggests including, of course, visiting the Gothic District and the extraordinary Gaudi-designed cathedral, Segada De la Familia. However, there is a second option which is to go to Montserrat which you ascend by train and once there you can explore the monastery and breathe in the peace and the quiet and enjoy the amazing views. The excursion will return you to the airport around 4 pm. I hope this helps and if there is anything else you need please let me know.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Jbfann asked:

I had written to you on Facebook and requested a table for two for our honeymoon and to make it special for us John. Well we got the table but that was it. The cruise was terrible and all the passengers were complaining that the drinks were watered down. Not once did me or my bride get tipsy. The crew was rude and unhelpful and nobody spoke English. My full review is posted today on Cruise Critic which means that millions of people will read it and hopefully be warned away. I suggest you get your head out of your ass and realise you work for a company that has big problems.

John says:
Hello Jbfann,

Thanks for writing and I am so sorry to read that you had such a bad experience. I do want to say that while we can always improve on service, the suggestion that we watered-down drinks is, quite honestly, ridiculous. However, I read your review and see that you had a delay in getting to Half Moon Cay and we certainly owe you an apology for that. I am sure the “millions” of Cruise Critic readers understand that sometimes, with port arrivals, things can happen that cause a delay. Again, I am sorry that this happened on your voyage. I am glad that you got your table for two as you requested and that despite the problems that you will think about the good times you had. I wish you many happy years together.

Best wishes.

John

F.T. and family asked:
John,

My family and I will be cruising on the Thanksgiving week with you on the Carnival Magic. There are four of us and we need a table just for us and not with other passengers. We like to keep ourselves to ourselves and not have to find forced conversation with strangers who I am positive will not have the same likes or understanding of what we as a family talk about at dinner. We are in cabins 10225 and 7435. The other request is an unusual one. My son is 19 and is attending The School of Visual Arts in New York. He is the most talented painter you will have ever seen and I know you have art auctions on the ship. My son Adam is prepared to help with a lecture in modern art and will show some of his pieces as well which we will bring with us. I don’t know who to contact for this so can you point me in the right direction? Your passengers will snap his work up immediately. I look forward to hearing favorably from you as soon as possible.

Thank you!

John says:
Hello F.T. and family,

Thanks for letting me know you will be joining me here on the beautiful Carnival Magic. I will certainly help you with your table request but as we are a few weeks away and because I don’t want it to get lost, please can you write to me here again five weeks before you sail or 10 days before on my Facebook page. I have given your details to the people at Park West who run our on board auctions and they will contact you should they allow your son to do as you requested. I wish him well in his chosen career and I wish you all a brilliant cruise. See you soon and please don’t forget to remind me about your table.

Best wishes to all.

John

Marcia Hager asked:

I was wanting to book the Carnival Miracle out of New York on September 11 after reading that the ship would be able to see the dedication. I was wondering which side of the ship do I need to book a balcony on to be able to see the lighting? Thanks so much for your time. I really enjoy reading your blog.

Marcia Hager

John says:
Hello Mkarcia Hager,

I was just talking about this voyage at the start of the blog today. I am sorry it’s taken me a month to reply to this and I hope you are still able to book. The skyline of Manhattan and the ceremony will be on the port side which is the left hand side of the ship facing forward. Have a wonderful and memorable voyage.

Best wishes.

John

Patrick Shanahan asked:
Hi John, please reply.

We sailed Spirit to Alaska 5-10-11. This was our first platinum cruise and we were excited that we had achieved that status. After we finally boarded every expectation was met or exceeded as platinum truly does mean something aboard the “Fun Ships.” Now the bad. Embarkation at pier of Seattle was a nightmare, from the time we arrived (1:15 pm) and dragged our own luggage inside. I thought priority check-in and priority boarding meant something; apparently at port of Seattle it means nothing. My wife is a special needs guest and by the time we boarded (3:30) she was done in. THERE WAS NO SPECIAL TREATMENT FOR NEITHER VIP NOR SPECIAL NEEDS GUESTS. We were treated like snail **** and when I got pissed and told the agent how I felt he handed me a little blue card that said VIP. He acted like it was the keys to the city and told us to show it as we pushed our way to the front of the boarding line. (He called it weaving and, of course, we would never do that) By the time we got to our stateroom my wife was in pain and tears, and just wanted me to find our luggage and go home… I wrote a letter to guest services explaining what happened and when I got no reply I called (6-28) and talked to a lady with a condescending attitude who scolded me like a school boy for writing to the wrong department. I was told that my letter should have gone to Guest Desk Care. Like I was supposed to know. Anyway, she told me SHE would straighten out the folks at Seattle. She had no record of my letter and didn’t know what happened to it. I expected an apology and a little sympathy but instead got the feeling that she couldn’t care less. I am booked again on Spirit 10-21-11 and hope Long Beach is better organized than Seattle.

Patrick Shanahan

John says:
Hello Patrick Shanahan,

Comments like this are so important and while it is great to see that you enjoyed the cruise and the platinum extras, it was sad for me to see the concerns you had when boarding. In my opinion the cruise experience starts at embarkation and the fun and the service you expect to happen on board should also be emulated during the check-in process. Please, would you apologise to your wife on my behalf and I will be sending your comments immediately to the people who need to know and will make sure we improve our operation in Seattle. Thanks for telling me, my sincere apologies and my thanks for your loyalty.

Best wishes to you both.

John

RossY asked:
John,

I want to bring some clarity to the problem you obviously have. You are fat. You are obese and as soon as you accept this you will start on the road to your new life. My guess is the reason you are so big is unhappiness, anxiety and thinking about food as a friend and comforter rather than merely as useful fuel. You can’t do anything about your face and how you look or your age, but if you’re so incredibly fat that people are writing to you on this blog and offering to help you then you should accept it or try going on a diet. It is that simple John. I am from Canada where the government is trying to end obesity unlike America where the crazies live and where laws ban fattism and where doctors aren’t allowed to tell any fattie they should lose weight for health reasons. So John, admit you are a fattie. A big walking pot of lard and you may live to write this blog for a few more years.

John says:
Hello RossY,

Reading between the lines I think you are trying to be nice and help me so I thank you very much for that. I know that I have to lose weight and I am trying to as best I can and slowly, very slowly it is working. Thanks once again and also you should you know you are the very first person ever to call me “a big walking tub pot of lard”……..brilliant description.

Best wishes.

John

Robert Sapp asked:
Greetings John!

I notice you’ve dropped several hints about upcoming changes to the Carnival customer loyalty program. Do you have any idea when these new changes might be announced? And in this age of corporate cost cutting, should we assume “changes” means “you’ll get less and you’ll like it!”?

Warmest Regards,

Robert from Pensacola

John says:
Hello Robert Sapp,

I am sure that you know that I have been apologising for some time that we have still to tell you about our loyalty program. It’s been a long time coming and I am hoping that soon I can start telling you about what we are going to do. I can tell you that it won’t be less and for those with platinum and milestone status less is definitely not what will be coming. I wish I could tell you more but on this one I have been told to wait by the most senior of beards. Until then I thank you for your loyalty and hope to see you on board very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Jake Gee asked:

Do any of the suites on the Carnival Dream have DVD players? I am sailing on my own in suite 7373 on the Carnival Dream and bringing my own “films” to watch and want to know if you have players in the suites. I sailed with you on the Carnival Glory in 2004, John, on the cruise where we had to spend an extra day on sea because of the hurricane.

John says:
Hello Jake Gee,

We don’t have DVD players in the suites but we do have interactive TV with pay per view movies that I hope you will enjoy. I checked with the techs here and unfortunately it is very difficult to hook a standard portable DVD player up to the TVs in the cabin. I remember that cruise well Jake and I hope your cruise on the Carnival Dream will give you fun and be storm free.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Pot of Lard……….absolutely sodding brilliant.

Let’s talk about Monte Carlo. There is no doubt that this port is one of the most popular and when guests here wake up for their first morning on their Carnival Magic and they see this tiny principality they are totally gobsmacked. As well as the buildings and the landmark casino and the Formula 1 track there is no doubt that the stars of the show are the mega yachts that sit in the harbour. The likes of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas, Paul Allen and various Russian billionaires and their 18-year-old Amazonian girlfriends dock their gleaming white floating palaces next to even bigger ones owned by Saudi princes and kings.

Many of the yachts look alike and I am sure somewhere there is a very rich man who will be saying……..ummmm…….that’s my yacht……..oh no bugger…….it isn’t. But a few days ago the biggest yacht in the Monte Carlo Harbour was not The Lady Moura but the Carnival Magic. OK, calling this ship a yacht is like calling Megan Fox’s bottom ….well a bottom. But there was no doubt that we were the biggest for sure and took our place in Monte Carlo harbour and it was a sight to see. As indeed you will see now through the lens of Mr.Radu.

Have a look at these:

Brilliant photos once again from a true genius with the camera.

A moment ago I apologised again for the long delay in the release of the new loyalty program. I had mentioned this many months ago and was very excited about what we were going to do. Then there was a delay in the beards releasing the information and some new IT programs had to be written and now it won’t be ready until the start of 2012. This was my fault and I have of course and quite rightly so been ridiculed and bollocked accordingly by people with the words “Ugo” and the like in their screen names.

Along the same lines, a few weeks ago I was asked about the remaining dates for 2012. I know that many of you like to make your cruise plans well in advance and that is why I do my best to keep you informed. Carnival likes to open up sailings for sale with at least 18 to 24 months notice. Currently, all our ships, except Carnival Freedom, Carnival Glory and Carnival Valor are open through April 2013.

No one is more eager to get these open than us but the truth is that the process can be quite complex and I had a discussion about this on Friday with a senior beard who explained why the dates I had promised on my Facebook page had come and buggered off again. You see, in additional to operational factors that need to be worked out, port authorities need to coordinate berthing requirements with our competitors and formal approval must be secured from local governing authorities. At times, the approval process from local commissions can take longer than they themselves expected, as has been the case with these three ships. OK, that was the official response and there’s not much more to it than that but………..go on……….play detective and come up with your own conspiracy theories. Anyway, I am very sorry for this delay. Rest assured we are very focused on getting these sailings open through 2013, and expect this to be completed by the end of August. In the mean time, thanks for your patience. I know the delay will be worth the wait when you see what we are doing. I think sometimes I am a bit eager to get the information out to the thousands of you who read the blog and Facebook. Sometimes I need to keep my big mouth shut until I have the actual information……..maybe I need to stuff a pair of my underpants in it.

It is a very interesting cruise for sure with so many different languages being spoken around the ship. The North American guests are all exploring the ports while again today the Brits and the Dutch and the Germans, who have all probably been to Rome before, are still on board. It’s now 10:14am and as I sit here in my underpants there are still 823 guests onboard which is a very high number and shows that once again the ship is the destination.

One of the decisions we will be making this week is if or not to make the piano bars a place for adults only. It has been noted by my fellow cruise directors and by some of you as well that since we announced that the piano bars were all non-smoking, that more and more mums and dads have been bringing their children there. Now we love to see families spending time together but is the piano bar the right place for this to happen? I asked this on my Facebook page and there were close to 500 immediate responses I think many saying no children after 10 pm and some saying that there should be no age limit. What’s really interesting about this is that as divided as the opinions were on Facebook they were also divided amongst the cruise directors, as well. The entertainment beards in Miami asked for their opinion giving them the options of:

• NO CHILDREN AT ALL UNDER 18
• NO CHILDREN AT ALL UNDER 18 AFTER 10:00PM
• NO CHILDREN AT ALL UNDER 18 AFTER MIDNIGHT
• NO AGE LIMIT

And as I said, close to half wanted to see them as a place where families could be together ………. which I found very interesting indeed.

What about the piano bar entertainers? What do they want? Well I asked Jim who plays here in Carnival Magic’s piano bar, and he feels that it should be an adults only location and I have a feeling that some if not most of his colleagues would agree. I went to the piano bar last night at 11:45 pm after the Destination Unknown Magic show and there were at least 20 children of all ages there. I guess “bedtime” for a nine- to 12-year-old has changed somewhat since I was their age when I was in bed by 8 pm ready for a full day down the mines or cleaning chimneys at 5 am ………we were so poor we lived in a shoe box in the middle of road …… sorry……..I went into Monty Python mode there. Seriously though, as I stood in the piano bar last night I couldn’t help but ask myself was it right for children as young as five to be in the piano bar or any bar for that matter at close to midnight? I am not saying it isn’t, I am just asking you, I guess. But things have changed since I was a lad. Of course I grew up and celebrated my teens in the eighties. Being a teen was different then. In the UK we were obsessed with bleached denim, jazz-funk and Top Gun. Everyone was into cuddly aliens like ET and we all wanted to move to Miami where according to what we watched on TV we would have been shot in the face in a matter of minutes by Crockett and Tubbs. We didn’t pierce our faces with a staple gun nor did we ever have the chance to go on a cruise and enjoy what the kids of today get to experience……the lucky bastards. So anyway, let’s see what the beards decide about the piano bars and I will let you know the moment that decision is made.

It’s a joy having Heidi and Kye here but it’s also hard to juggle writing a blog and keeping 16,000 people happy on Facebook and being a CD and performing shows and running a department of 60 plus. It’s hard because nothing else matters as much as Kye and when she wants to sit on my knee and watch a DVD while I tickle the back of her neck (she loves that) everything else is suddenly not important. We are in Rome today and usually this is the day I can get caught up with everything but Kye is a major distraction and in case I haven’t mentioned this before…… I love her with every ounce of my being. She is growing so fast. She talks using four of five words in a row and even though those sentences might not make sense “Dadda more bath dance Kye,” she is growing before my eyes far too quickly. Unfortunately, though there is one thing she hasn’t grown out of and this will serve much delight to Big Ed and his Krewe who ridiculed me about this on Bloggers Cruise 4. Yep………my daughter still loves it despite my attempts to move her onto Dora the Explorer or Peppa Pig or The Sopranos.

“Dada Barney, Dadda Barney” she said to me at 8 am this morning which means I have to put her Barney DVD on, she sits on my knee smiling and singing while I sit there…….hating the bastard purple thing even more. I despise Barney the bloody dinosaur. His sickly, purple and green skin tones, his creepy little arms and dazzling white Californian dentistry and his sidekicks Baby Bop and BJ who look like the products of a nightmarish relationship between The Elephant Man and Judge Judy. And please…….”BJ”……is that the best the producers could come up with ….. are they having a laugh or what?

I hate the loved up, everything is just perfect in the world and nothing ever bad happens message. I hate the way Barney’s creators borrowed all the technical know how of Sesame Street and The Muppet Show and removed all the wit, bludgeoning children with the vomit-inducing world’s worst song “I love you, You love me, We’re a happy family, With a great big hug, And a kiss from me to you, Won’t you say you love me too?” which is the musical equivalent of putting your fingers down your throat.

The Navy Seals who shot Bin Laden a few weeks ago allegedly used this as a white noise weapon before storming his house. And all the other songs are crap, as well. The episode I watched this morning had a song called “Let’s Be Good To Our Pets” and one about a dog called “B.I.N.G.O.” During both songs a perfect dog sat next to a perfect child. The dog didn’t take a crap on BJ’s foot and the child didn’t once stick his finger up his nose, pull out a huge green slimy booger and feed it to the dog. Barney’s world is as fake as most of the Russian breasts you will see on Lido this week.

I hate Barney’s “Oh silly me” manner which is meant to be ever so adorable but is actually just put there to complement the highly dosed up on sugar, overacting kids. Dinosaurs are supposed to be fierce, rip-your-head off creatures that make kids scream in terror. It would be great, just once, to see Barney have a Charlie Sheen moment and when little Britney aged four from Los Angeles looks up at Barney and says “I Love You Barney”…….the purple thing picks her up and eats her.

I love dinosaurs….the fierce and deadly Tyrannosaurus Rex. Death with wings, the pterodactyl and the Norwegian Epic of the dinosaur world, the very ugly brontosaurus and the dinosaur that ate only spicy food, hot curries and had hemorrhoids………..it’s called a megasorearse.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

The Fat Pot Of Lard

So let me know who you would like to communicate with would you? Who would you like to see on Facebook? Which of our metrosexual CD’s do you want to chat with? There are oldies like me Steve Cassel and Paul Santley and the ladies of course like Risa, Jen and Stephanie. But most are the new brand of product-in-the-hair using, boy-band-looking chaps. They kiss other men on the cheek twice, they use product in their hair, they have teeth sponsored by Hollywood and stomachs flatter than a 2-year-old open can of Diet Coke. They are good looking and confident and use something called a gym to tone up their six-packs. They never say “I’m tired,” they can stay out to late at night dropping it like it is hot in the dance nightclub disco. They have Eye Pads and they buy their clothes from shops like Aberzombie and Fits. And bloody hell …… what about their names…. Todd, Ryan, Butch, Brad, Big Tex, Goose ……. sounds like the cast of sodding Top Gun? Anyway, who would you like to see on Facebook? Let me know and I will let them know ………….poor buggers!

Let’s see what today’s batch of Q and A brings to the table…………….here we go.

Flagmaster 65 Asked:
John,

I have been cruising with Carnival since 1996 when I was with you on the Destiny. I have to say my last cruise in May 7 on the Carnival Triumph was not good at all. I was leading a roll call of 45 from Cruise Critic and we were all disappointed in the dining room. We were on main sitting and chose to eat early but was angry that I could not enjoy my meal because of announcements being made to clear the dining area and for those to help out others for the next seating. We paid our cruise fare just like all the others and we should have the right to sit and relax and enjoy our coffee and dessert not be thrown out. This happened every night at 7:50 pm when the maitre d would get on the microphone and in that annoying South African accent makes it clear he wanted us to leave. I wrote to Carnival Guest Relations as did other CC members but they have not responded yet. This is not acceptable.

John Says:
Hello Flgamaster 65

I was very disappointed to read that after a long history of cruising with Carnival that you had the problems you described on the Carnival Triumph. I will say though that there is a very short amount of time between early and late dining and the staff are under a lot of pressure to prepare the tables. That’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact and obviously if people are seated there it makes it difficult for them to do so. However, it also makes it an uncomfortable experience for the guests who feel like we are rushing them. I think this is one reason why more and more people are choosing Your Time Dining as it offers a more flexible dining option for our guests. I can’t really help you any further as I don’t have your real name or cabin number in which to refer our guest services people to so if you want me to act on this further please post again using your real name or a cabin number. Until then I apologise for the inconvenience.

Best wishes
John

Mike Asked:
Hey my first cruise was on the Fantasy out of Mobile, It was actually based in New Orleans but when they closed the port cause a barge or something sank they moved it to Mobile… Anyway I think the CD on that ship was Big Tex… I can’t remember his name… Was wondering if he was still a CD or if he’s moved on… Can’t wait for my cruise on the Dream in December… The 8 day one… Wish you were on it but know you need a rest…Anyway….THANKS

MIKE

John Says:
Hello Mike.

I remember when we had to move the ship because of the barge and yes, the CD was Big Tex or Jeremy Barnes to give him his real name. He is a great CD and is currently on Carnival Triumph. You will love that special eight-day cruise on your Carnival Dream and for those who may not know what cruise Mike is referring to, here it is:

Thu, Dec, 23	Canaveral				dep @ 4pm
Fri, Dec, 24	Nassau				9am-6pm
Sat, Dec, 25	at sea				dep @ 4pm
Sun, Dec, 26	at sea
Mon, Dec, 27	Cozumel				8am-6pm
Tue, Dec, 28	Roatan				10am-6pm
Wed, Dec, 29	Belize				8am-6pm
Thu, Dec, 30	Costa Maya				7am-3pm
Fri, Dec, 31	at sea

 

What a wonderful way to celebrate Christmas and New Year. Have a brilliant time. Best wishes

John

Matt Hendry Asked:
John,

Can you get me a table for my wife and I just for the two of us. We have quite the story to tell and I won’t bore you with too many details but we got married in 1995, divorced in 2002 and are getting married the day before we cruise which is on the July 3 cruise out of New York on Glory. I was a drinking, gambling idiot back then and the fact that Lucy has given me another chance is amazing. So can I please have you get me that table so I can spend the cruise looking into her eyes and reminding myself not to mess up again?

Thank you
John

John Says:
Hello Matt Hendry

Yes of course mate. I am sure we can do this for you and have asked the maitre d to do his best to get you that table for 2. It’s not often we get a second chance like this and so I hope that this time you will stay together in love for many, many years. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes
John

Rachel mustard Asked:

Hello John,

First of all let me thank you for taking the time to read this, it would seem you’re a very busy man. Since, I am new to cruising, and still learning, if this question has been answered I’m sorry. Anyway, my family is getting ready to go on our cruise (first for all but my husband) and we have 2 boys that are 13. In looking at the schedule for the Circle C I have noticed that the meet for them is usually around 8 going till 9. I am a little upset, because we have late dining (we are coming from the west coast so this seemed like the logical choice when we booked, it’s on the dream sailing from fl.) So my question is… why would Carnival set the meet time for circle c (or any other kids program) during the late dining time???  Thank you in advance for your reply.

John Says:
Hello Rachel Mustard

I have to ask before I start…..is that really your name? If it is, that’s brilliant! Anyway, I am glad you found the blog so I can answer your question. I checked with the Carnival Dream and you are correct that the first activity is at 8:30 pm. This is a meet and greet and timed this way as most kids that age are on the early seating. However, please don’t worry. This is just the start of the night and many of the kids that go to Circle C will arrive at different times so after dinner they can go and join in the fun. This is very normal and I promise it is absolutely nothing to worry about. So 8:30 pm it starts and, with the new Night Owls program, the fun goes on until late for the kids to enjoy while you relax and have fun Mum. Please let me know if you have a follow up to this or if you have anything else you need. I promise you will have the best of times. Oh and Rachel….do you have any Grey Poupon?

Best wishes
John

Cee Gadd Asked:
John,

As a PLATINUM GUEST why does my luggage not get delivered onboard FIRST? I fly FIRST CLASS and my luggage is always off the plane first so why does CARNIVAL NOT ADOPT THE SAME POLICY? There are many OTHER CRUISE LINES that do this.

John Says:
Hello Cee Gadd

I think we offer an excellent package of benefits for our loyal Platinum guests and when, eventually, the new program is released, I know it will be even better. However, priority luggage on embarkation is a difficult thing to do as we don’t tag the bags by who has cruised with us before but by deck. Obviously, we offer priority embarkation for our guests and debarkation as well but not priority embarkation for your luggage. I had no idea other lines were doing this and I shall definitely bring this to the attention of the beards. Thank you for your loyalty.

John

John Hutzler Asked:
Hello John.

We sailed with you in May of 07 on the Freedom and we had the most amazing trip thanks to you and Ron Pass. This year we tried the newest “monster of the seas” and were VERY disappointed. I am looking to book one of the junior suites on the Breeze for the inaugural sailing June 3rd 2012. I wanted to know though if you know if you will be the CD for the Breeze. (I would assume so but assuming does not normally play out well for me) I also emailed Ron to see if he knew if he may be on board as well I hope to hear back from you all and hope to have as good of a vacation as we did in 07. Thanks and keep up the WONDERFUL job you do, you are by far the industries best CD and can’t wait to sail with you again soon.

John Hutzler,
Mobile AL
(oh and not happy about y’all leaving us here in Mobile but do understand and still can’t wait to sail again)

John Says:
Hello John Hutzler

Thanks for those very kind words and I will indeed be the CD on the Carnival Breeze and I am sure it’s safe to say there is a very good chance that Ron Pass will be there too. I am sorry that you didn’t enjoy your time on the Monster of the Seas but I have a feeling the Carnival Breeze will be a whole different story and I look forward to seeing you there. Thanks so very much for the kind words.

Best wishes
John

Susan Feuer Asked:
Dear John,

I know that you’ve set the date for the 2012 Bloggers Cruise on the Magic. It would be a lot to make our way to TX from NY so my question to you….since you’re going to be Breezing in 2013, have you considered a date to do the 2013 BC? It’s much easier to fly to and I could use this as a way to celebrate turning 60 the month before (I’ll be a young 60). Thanks for all you do! I think I’ll be going up for a poop now.

John Says:
Hello Susan Feuer

I always realise that when I pick a location for a bloggers cruise that I am going to disappoint some people and I truly wish it wasn’t so. I do hope we can see you but of course I totally understand if you cannot make it. I haven’t given any thought yet to Bloggers Cruise 6 but there is a very good chance it will be on the next new ship the Carnival Breeze. I hope you enjoyed your poop downstairs on the blog and on Facebook.

Best wishes
John

KC Ronaldi Asked:
John!

On my cruise on the Valor last week I was called to the lower decks and made to open my suitcase by security. They confiscated my three bottles of Bacardi rum and told me I could get it back on the day we get off the ship. I went to get the bottles and they gave me no box or nothing to put them in and I had already put my bags out of my room door and they were off the ship. I then had to carry 3 bottles in my hand as I had no room in my carry on. Carnival bar prices are greedy and that is why so many people smuggle and if you are going to take our booze then you should give us boxes to get it off the ship with.

John Says:
Hello KC Ronaldi

We do have very strict rules about not bringing spirits onboard and when guests ignore these rules we take the smuggled items and return them to you on embarkation day. I say this respectfully but are you serious — you want us to provide boxes for you to put your liquor that you smuggled onto the ship in? Would you like anything else, ice and lemon maybe?  I do hope you had a fun cruise and I hope that your posting was written moments after you drunk all three bottles of Bacardi.

Best wishes
John

Lexi Asked:
John-

We are thinking of moving our Elation cruise to the Liberty for Oct 22. How will the ship be will they still be working on her? Will you do the infamous meet and greet and bedtime stories? I have till mid July to make a change.

John Says:
Hello Lexi

Well I can definitely confirm I will be there. I won’t be the CD but I will be there to film and write about all the brilliant new spaces she will receive during her dry dock. I shall also be asking the CD Kirk if he can let me have a little bit of stage time to do something. It will be great to see you there and please let me know what you decide to do.

Best wishes
John

John Van Lawick Asked:
I would like to know if any cruises taken on the Spirit while she is in Australia go into my past guest tally, and if I can use my past guess number in Australian cruises.

John Says:
Hello John Van Lawick

We are very excited about the Carnival Spirit‘s trip down under and yes indeed, any cruises you take on her will count towards your Carnival loyalty program.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and we will be back tomorrow with more and of course throughout this week over on Facebook. Talking of Facebook I was asked for a recipe for a desert that we feature on our ships called Indian Milk. Well the Facebook police won’t let me post it so here it is on the blog.

(click to zoom)

So what’s happening here on the Carnival Magic? Well, we are in Civitavecchia today and yesterday while in Livorno a momentous occasion occurred. Yep, it was our first since the ship came out. Here’s what I am talking about.

From: MAGIC HOUSEKEEPING
Sent: Monday, June 26, 2011 10:05 AM
To: MAGIC HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; MAGIC HOTEL DIRECTOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Main pool closed

Good morning. Please be informed, aft pool for today is closed due to fecal accident in the pool. Thank you and best regards,

Pools & Decks Supervisor

Yep our first pool closing and because we were in port and could not fill the pool from the harbor (spelt correctly) water, it remained closed until after we sailed. My first reaction to this was that it was due to the fact that we had 800 kids on this cruise. But I was wrong. The kids were all ashore exploring Rome with their parents. It was an older, much older guest that had umm…….done a whoopsie…….poor chap. In the old days before public health and environmental rules, a deck hand would have fished the turd out with a net, thrown it overboard and everyone would have got back into the pool ….. I sort of miss those days you know.

Overall the mood onboard this cruise is excellent. This is the first cruise with a lower non-North American count and so far everyone seems to be having fun. There is only one sea day again so I am sure that this busy schedule will start to take its toll but right now it’s 2:15 pm and we only have 307 guests onboard, the rest are in Rome enjoying this amazing and incomparable city. But as much as I love Rome, it’s Naples that is my favourite.

I love the way men in Armani suits ride their mopeds without care or conviction and I love the way that it’s just accepted that men from Naples can and will stare at bottoms, every bottom whether male or female and I love the way that they drive. Yes, it’s terrifying being in a car with a Neapolitan driver and even scarier being a pedestrian. In Naples even the nuns drive like bats out of hell. I also love that whole Italian umm……oh, I don’t know the word……that Italian thing…. the laundry flapping over the streets, the obsession with style, design and looking better than everyone else, fantastic food and the whole essence of the place just makes life seem more fun.

You know, I don’t often spurt into a whole “you must buy a cruise and you must see Italy and you must come on this great ship” selling thing but as I sit here in my non-Italian non designer underpants I feel that I must. OK, you must see Italy, we have established that fact I think right? So why take a cruise? Well Italy isn’t cheap and hotel prices are pretty high and sometimes service in places in places like Venice and Rome make Fawlty Towers look like a five-star hotel.

So yes, you must see a country that’s cliffs plunging into lakes, smoldering volcanoes, soft hills rolling into the twilight as far as the eye can see, heart-stopping scenery and ancient ruins. Rome, The Vatican, The Coliseum, Naples, Pompeii, Vesuvius, Ischia and Capri, Taormina, Mount Etna, Tuscany, Pisa, and Florence are all waiting for you. All of this scenery is a must see as is watching the Italians pose and strut especially the men, who can’t pass a wing mirror on a car without stopping to admire themselves. And the greatest thing of course is at the end of a brilliant day seeing this extraordinary country, you don’t have to pack and fly. You simply walk on board your Carnival Magic, eat a plate of spaghetti at Cucina del Capitano and watch the moon drift over the sea. Have you booked yet?

OK, time to talk about something a bit more serious. It is truly amazing how one subject can lead to two massively different responses. As you may remember we were requested by a group sailing on the September 11 cruise on the Carnival Miracle to delay the departure from New York and time the sailing to coincide with the lighting of the memorial at Ground Zero to mark the 10th anniversary of that awful day. Well after some negotiation with various agencies we were able to get permission to do this which I announced here and on Facebook. Within 48 hours of me doing this, I received the following two pieces of correspondence. The first was an email sent to Gerry Cahill and other top beards.

Hello, All!

Thank you very much for all of your countless hours in putting your efforts into honoring the Cruise Critic members of CCL’s Miracle, 9/11/2011 delayed departure out of New York City. You are all wonderful people, and I am very fond of Carnival’s going above and beyond. Thanks to John Heald as well, for all his efforts in keeping us informed on the status of our request. I have been on eight cruises on Carnival, and I will continue to be an avid traveler on your cruise line.

Sincerely,

Michelle
Cruise Critic Member

Thanks Michelle for taking the time to say thank you that was very kind.

And then there was this one:

Tracey Keddie

John I am sure I won’t be voted Mrs. Popular when I say this but I do not care. Why was this decision made to leave NY later to see the lights turned on for 9/11? Does Cruise Critic really have that much control over Carnival? I have paid for my cruise and the sail away should be fun and mark the start of the vacation. Now it will all be somber and that is not what I have paid for. So count one against this plan and I bet if you asked there would be many other passengers on the Miracle who would say the same. By doing this you are reminding the world how the terrorists did what they did and doing it on my dime! It’s my cruise too and all the passengers should have been consulted not just a certain group before you made this wrong decision.

Tracey Keddie
Palmyra, New Jersey

Well, I have to say that last one really surprised me. Did it surprise you? Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do think we are doing the right thing by arranging for this to happen but I wonder if there are going to be more guests who are upset we are doing this. It’s not a date we will ever be able to forget though and as this is the 10th anniversary it is right that we pause for thought ……. isn’t it? Bloody hell, there I go second guessing myself again. Look, I think about that day every time I fly, I think many of us do and that will never change. It’s because of those bastards that I have spent many minutes of my life at airports standing in a body scanner, while a bunch of security guards snigger at the smallness of my gentleman sausage.

It’s why all of us who fly will end up with no shoes, no belt, no laptop, no toothpaste, no underarm deodorant and, now that it has demonstrated it’s possible to store explosives in the cleft of your bottom, no underpants either. And for the privilege of this humiliation, we have to stand in a line which is twice as long as the Carnival Magic. Pre-September 11, you were scanned to make sure you didn’t have an AK47 or a grenade with which you might hijack the plane, but those measures did nothing to stop those who think that by committing suicide, they’re in for a life of milk and honey and a million vestal virgins. So after September 11, 2001, we were no longer allowed to board the plane if we had a baseball bat or a pair of those small scissors we use to cut the hair out of our noses and ears. And then along came Richard Reid with his exploding Nikes, which meant we had to take off our shoes and put our hemorrhoid cream in a clear plastic bag. And then we had the Nigerian with his underpants bomb so now we have to show the security guards our thingies. And we are being asked to check in hours before the scheduled departure time so that loads of people in high visibility jackets and iron on badges can ask a lot of silly questions about if we packed the bag ourselves and examine every one of our orifices.

It was a day that changed so many people’s lives and one that none of us will or probably should ever forget. Heidi and I were aboard the Carnival Triumph, I was in the cabin, in the shower, when Heidi walked in the bathroom and said, “Think you had better get out of the shower, something terrible has happened.” My immediate thoughts were “family” and as I jumped out of the shower, I could see that my usually calm wife was ashen white. I looked at the television as like millions of others, I watched the world change.

This short stop that the Carnival Miracle is doing is designed to help people remember those who died, not the faceless cowards who I hope have found that their vestal virgins all look like a baboon’s arse …….but those whose lives they took. I know that Cruise Director Malcolm will make this a special moment and he, the captain and his crew will say and do the right things. And when it’s over, immediately when it’s over, the fun will begin again.

So Tracey please don’t worry. We didn’t do this for one specific group of people. No, we did this because we all think it’s the right thing to do and I hope that as the ship stops for a moment of reflection, just a few short minutes out of your vacation, that you will think that it’s the right thing to do as well.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

PS – Tim – If you are reading this, thanks mate for everything. We will all miss you very much.

Here are some other things that annoy me:

1. When I am buying a new pair of trousers why do shop assistants who are usually called Nigel or Ben or Calvyn whip the curtain back at the precise moment when I am wearing nothing but white slightly stained underpants and say: “How are we doing, need any help?”

2. People who take too long to put their stuff back in their carryon bags at the security check points on the ship and at airports and is it wrong to fantasise about them being removed for a close encounter with some latex?

3. These new super-sensitive alarms we have at our photo galleries now on the ships which go off every five seconds and make other guests think you need to steal the photo of you in that yellow dress that makes you look like a NY taxi.

4. The people at large department stores who try and who bully you into debt saying, “If you sign up for a store card you’ll save 20 percent on your purchase today,” and then look bored when you reply that you’ve got so much racked up on your other store cards you may have to sell your liver to pay your bills.

5. Lines. Is there a retail law that states there will always be seven cash registers installed, but only two ever open?

6. Women who make their bored husbands comment on every garment they try on. He doesn’t care………he’s too busy staring at other women’s breasts.

7. Why did the beards only put one popcorn machine on the Carnival Magic when we have 300 – 400 people watching the movie. And now it’s free popcorn, everyone wants some.

8. People who are rude and cut into lines on Lido Deck………yes Sergei I am talking to you.

9. Guests that rub my belly and say “When’s the baby due?” …………I should be allowed to water board the bastards

10. And I have to say despite the fact that it’s environmentally friendly and loved by vegetablists and polar bears, I have to say I am having a problem adjusting to this new put your key in the slot thing in the cabin to turn the lights on. Twice now I have finished a show and rushed back to the cabin, run into the bathroom and hit the light switch forgetting I need to put the key in the slot which means I miss the target completely or end up pissing in the sink. Either way……Ketut isn’t happy.

Time for some Q and A. Off we go.

Wendell Pendell asked:
Hi John,

I’ve cruised 13 times with Carnival including your wonderful BC4 for which I thank you kindly. I occasionally cruise on other lines. One line whose name starts with the letter “N” offers a delightful onboard experience called the Pub Crawl for a reasonable fee like $30-40. I’m told that Carnival has offered this in the past on certain cruises, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen it on any of my cruises. Any chance that Carnival could start this up again, in particular for my next cruise November 18th on the Carnival Spirit? You would get a whole bunch of signups just from my Cruise Critic Roll Call group (which consists largely of the Spirit Dawgs who have done the Spirit’s Thanksgiving cruise together for each of the last four years). You’re not gonna let another line have more fun than Carnival, are you?

Thanks mate,

Wendell

John says:
Hello Wendell,

It’s funny how Carnival is sometimes referred to as the “party cruise line” yet we discontinued our pub crawls and yet NCL offers one on their ship. I personally think that this is something that if controlled by the staff that should and must be brought back and it is in fact part of my weekly phone call with the beards next week. I would hope that by the time your Dawgs sail that this will be back as a regular event. I promise to keep you informed and if you need anything else please let me know.

Best to you all and thanks for the kind words on BC4.

John

Paul Duckworth asked:
John,

I recently heard that Princess Cruise Line will be returning to Galveston in late 2012. I like the choice of itinerary that Princess has chosen, and would therefore like to book the cruise at some point in the future. I am booked on my 4th Carnival cruise later this year and plan to someday achieve Platinum status on Carnival. Since Princess and Carnival are both part of CCL, I thought a Princess cruise would count toward status on Carnival. However, when I called Carnival and asked them if that was possible, they said it was not. I was wondering if you could confirm this for me one way or the other.

Thanks,

Paul

John says:
Hello Paul Duckworth,

I think I may have mentioned a few times what a huge fan of Princess Cruises I am and I know many people who like me love their ships and their service. Each line that is part of Carnival Corp is operated as a single entity and therefore has their own loyalty programs. I know that some very senior beards looked at a loyalty program for those who sail on the corporation ships but because each program is so different it was thought to be not possible to do. It is a shame, but it is understandable I guess. I hope you have a wonderful time and enjoy a fantastic cruise with Princess.

Best wishes,

John

Francis J asked:
John,

Carnival Triumph is getting lots of bad write ups on Cruise critic with people saying the service is bad and the ship has no working stabilizers and so it is very rocky. One poster said the food was the worst they had eaten and another that the cruise director was the worst they had seen. So I am very nervous as we have a family cruise booked on the Triumph for July 24 and we are very worried we may have chosen the wrong cruise line for our vacation.

John says:
Hello Francis J,

Please don’t be nervous. Let’s start with a reminder that people’s comment on Cruise Critic and on any public forum is a personal opinion and not always based on fact. For example, I checked with the ship and I can promise you that at no time this year has the ship had any problems with the stabilizers which are both working perfectly. If the ship was moving more than normal it would have been an adverse effect of the weather. I am sure Francis that if I were to look at the reviews of the ship on Cruise Critic there would be far more excellent ones than negative ones and I can assure you that you will have a brilliant time. Finally a fact that I hope you will be overjoyed to read. You see some (not all much to my annoyance) guests receive review cards at the end of their cruise and the scores they give are calculated by people with beards and those marks are given to the ships.

So far for the month of June the top three ships are in reverse order:

3. Carnival Ecstasy
2. Carnival Conquest
1. Carnival Triumph

So there, you are actually sailing on what your past guests have rated so far this month, the best ship in the fleet. How brilliant is that?

Best wishes to you and the family.

John

Margaret Paterson asked:
John,

Looking forward to cruise in July and really enjoy planning holiday. Wondered if there was any chance of Magic fun times being added to your site.

Thanks

John says:
Hello Margaret Paterson,

I will be seeing you soon and with apologies for them being late I can tell you that the FT’s for Carnival Magic are now on the blog. See you soon.

Best wishes,

John

Yellowjacket Brandon asked:
Hey John,

Me and my girlfriend will be going to spend our graduation on Fascination and want to get a table for 2. Its 4th July cruise and we are in R101. Can you send us something nice? We both graduated West Virginia State University.

John says:
Hello Yellowjacket Brandon,

I will certainly ask the Maitre D and ask him please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, to reserve a table for 2. I will also send you something to congratulate you on your graduation. Have a great cruise and best of luck for the future.

Best wishes,

John

Amy asked:
John,

Can you tell me where I can purchase or the name of the great tumblers (cups) in the Unicorn Cafe they had on the Legend? They were plastic in yellow and green.

John says:
Hello Amy,

I checked and unfortunately we only sell these at the coffee shops and not online anywhere. We probably should but we don’t. I am so sorry I don’t have better news for you and if there is anything else you think I can do for you please do let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Cynthia Hancock asked:
John,

My Husband Richard and Our Son Jonathan along with my Father Don will be sailing The Magic November 14, 2011 out of Galveston, they would love nothing more than to have you join them for a drink and a cigar they will be in Cabin 9362, this is their “Man Cruise” and they couldn’t be more excited they are going to head down a day early and watch her come in, I hope you can arrange a small window for them, I know you are very busy but it would make their trip, My Father is 73 and I never thought he would agree to travel without my Mom, so I would love this to happen.

Sincerely,

Cynthia Hancock

John says:
Hello Cynthia Hancock,

What a brilliant thing…..a Man Cruise. How wonderful that three generations of men will be sailing together, I think it’s absolutely brilliant. That cruise we will have lots of bloggers on and I will be holding a bloggers get together in the RedFrog Pub and we will host a cigar under the stars night as well, which under the current smoking policy is the only way I can currently enjoy a cigar. It will be my honour to meet them and look forward to doing so.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Mama Bo asked:
John,

I absolutely agree with Len. Carnival should compensate us for taking you off the Trans Atlantic voyage. Who is this James anyway? I did the Dream TA with Todd and even he who is supposed to be one of your best directors wasn’t good enough. It is really bad planning on Carnivals part and something must be done for those of us who have paid thousands of dollars to cruise on this voyage.

John says:
Hello Mama Bo,

I am very sorry that I have disappointed you and others by not being the CD for the trans- Atlantic voyage. However, I have absolute faith in James Charlton as do the Miami office and we all think he will do a brilliant job as your Cruise Director. Please don’t worry and while I can’t offer you anything but my apologies and my best wishes for a great cruise I hope you will allow James a chance to prove himself by walking up the gangway ready to have a brilliant time. Do that and I absolutely know you will.

Best wishes,

John

Louise B asked:
John,

While I know you will not be our CD on our upcoming cruise on the Inspiration on Saturday July 2nd I was hoping you might be able to send personal congratulations to our daughter. It would mean a great deal to her as she has graduated high school despite overcoming personal challenges that included being bullied over her weight. She is the apple of my eye and if anything could be done for her I would appreciate it so much. I love your blog and have been reading it for 2 years and never miss one. My favorite so far was the one where you had some hot sauce in Barbados or somewhere. I honestly could not stop laughing for a long time. Thanks for all you do and here are my daughter’s details.

John says:
Hello Louise B,

Let me quickly say I removed the booking number you put at the end of the post there as I don’t like to publish those but don’t worry as I have your daughter’s details. It would be my honour (spelt correctly) to send your daughter a note of congratulations and a little something along with it. I won’t comment too much about what she has been through but I hope the bullies were caught and dealt with properly. I wish you a wonderful cruise and I am so glad that you enjoy the blog and I hope that you continue to do so. The hot sauce…..in Bermuda…..Oh yes that was sheer and brutal pain. Maybe we should make the bullies drink a bottle of that.

My best wishes to all,

John

That’s all for today. So let’s see as we start another cruise who is sailing with us on voyage MC9062411:

GUESTS: 4409

NON US OR CANADIAN
DUTCH 15
SPANISH 47
ITALIAN 10
PORTUGUESE 12
GERMAN 21
RUSSIAN 143
FRENCH 40
JAPANESE 11

UK 110

So the kid count has gone way up from last cruise and so has the overall count. Let’s see where they are all going.

Fri, Jun, 24 Barcelona dep @ 5pm
Sat, Jun, 25 Monaco 9am-8pm
Sun, Jun, 26 Livorno 7am-7pm
Mon, Jun, 27 Rome 7am-10pm
Tue, Jun, 28 Naples 7am-7pm
Wed, Jun, 29 Messina 7am-6pm
Thu, Jun, 30 at sea
Fri, Jul, 01 Mallorca 7am-4pm
Sat, Jul, 02 Marseilles 8am-6pm

Once again the fact that sticks out there is that we have only one sea day. Let’s hope the weather is a nice as it was this last cruise because it was simply perfect for 12 straight days. I was talking about lunch the other day and how the barbecue is very popular. Also very popular is the new dining room lunch menu. Here’s why:

Well, it’s 5:45am……yep 5:45am and here I sit in my underpants writing to you. We just started debarkation and I made my first announcement. It always feels like I am kicking the guests off when we start this early but with many having early international flights, we have to do it this way. Also leaving today are Heidi and Kye. At this point I should allow the people who hate me talking about things like this a chance to leave because honestly I don’t feel like writing anything else today so thanks for your time and I will see you back here on Monday when we resume with normal blogging service. And so for the two of you who are left I say thanks for sticking around and allowing me to use this blog for a bit of therapy for myself. You see I have to ask myself this question. Am I a bad Dad?

It is a question that has been keeping me awake. I am writing this as I said at 5:45am and while Heidi is quietly packing Kye is fast asleep in the bedroom. I can hear the gentle purr of her snoring. I just went in there to have a look at her and can inhale her distinctive smell. I never knew how much you could love something until she was born. Her birth completed my life. Which brings me back to that question that is gnawing away at me. Am I a bad Dad?

Very often I am asked “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?” Most people are waiting to hear me tell them tales of the Carnival Splendor fire or nasty guests who throw wet laundry at me, so it usually comes as a surprise when I say that it’s the many times I have to leave my little girl and my wife as I head to another ship. I am sure you ask that to any crew member with a family and they will say the same thing.

A month after Kye was born, I had to go to the Carnival Legend. It was heartbreaking leaving Heidi and Kye on the doorstep as I headed to Tampa. That wasn’t as bad as the times that I have left them later because now she understands I am leaving. But it was my trip to the Carnival Splendor and the four months that I did there as cruise director that broke my heart. It wasn’t the fire but my return home afterwards that broke my heart and I have never told you this before.

Heidi and Kye came to meet me at Heathrow airport. I could see them both among the crowd. Heidi had a huge smile because she had been so worried about me during those 3 days with no communication. But Kye still hadn’t seen me. As I got closer, she was still looking past me and, as I arrived for an embrace, I realised that she didn’t have a clue who I was. That’s changed now as she has gotten older and when she saw me this time she ran into my arms which was joyful beyond measure.

It may seem hard to comprehend, but work for me is travel. I do it because I love it, but also because it is my career. I have a dream job, but it comes at a cost. I am one of the many absentee fathers in this world. And I have it easy. If I were in the armed forces I might not see them for nine months and have the ability to call them like I do, so I know that I have it easy compared to many.

Kye’s word for phone is “Dada.” She points at any phone and says “Dada.” At first it was sweet, but now it makes me sad every time she says it because she associates me with being away from her. I try to be the best father I can be. I spend as many weeks each year doting on my family, relishing family life. But then I am gone again. The stifled tears on the doorstep as I leave followed by the tears in the car as I pull away for life on the ship once again.

Which brings me back to that question that has been keeping me up at night. I hope that one day Kye will be proud of what I have done the places I’ve been, the people I have met and the things I have achieved. Until then, there is one thing that might work. Kye loves Barney, and if I could get a full size costume of the purple bastard and get off the plane wearing it…..there is no doubt she would recognise me then and to associate her Dada with Barney would make her so proud of me. Such is life.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John