Smoking — the last word.

July 15, 2014 -

John Heald -

93 Comments

So I have not had much time to talk about Alaska this week with all that’s been happening. It is, of course, all about the scenery and the things that live in it. I have mentioned many times on my blog since being on the Carnival Miracle how excited my good friend Michelle, our naturalist, gets when she sees, smells or talks about any of God’s creatures great and small. And certainly on an Alaskan cruise there is plenty of opportunity to see them in their natural habitat as the place is teeming with whales, porpoises, sea lions, bald eagles, bears, birds and more. (more…)

Song of America

July 8, 2014 -

John Heald -

198 Comments

It was an awful start to our day in Seattle for me and far more awful for the person that at 7 am this morning, just like it happens on land-side jobs each and every day, I had to tell was no longer employed by Carnival Cruise Lines. This is really the part of my job that I absolutely detest.  Now, obviously, I cannot go into detail but I can tell you that this person has had plenty of chances, probably more than he deserved, and I was determined to change this person……but I failed. When you relieve a person from a job on land, they pack a box, call a cab and go home. On a ship, it’s very different. You have to pack, not a box, but one or two suitcases and you don’t hop in a cab….. you have to fly home… sometimes and in this case……a flight which will last this person many hours. That’s a sodding long time to reflect on what’s transpired. (more…)

So it’s Tuesday, June 24, 2014, and I am sitting here in my underpants while the ship is docked in Victoria, BC, writing to you. Those underpants are quite baggy now because, yesterday, I finally reached the mark I have been working so hard on for the last seven months. Yep, I lost two pounds………..OK, two pounds plus another 50 pounds.  Yep, I have, as of today’s weight check, lost 52 pounds! Yipeee! Only another 50 to go. Oh FFS. (more…)

John Heald…….Headhunter

June 17, 2014 -

John Heald -

33 Comments

Motivating my flaccid arse to go to the Carnival Miracle’s gym is hard enough even though my cabin is on deck 8 and the gym is right above me on Deck 9. Sometimes the wait for the elevator is so frustrating. As a fat chap, I can feel at ease with myself in most walks of life but in a gym there is no disguising it. There are mirrors everywhere that shout, “Hey, you fat bastard about time you spent some time here.”  And that’s what the guests who use the gym are saying — “Look at our chubby CD.” Proof positive of this was yesterday when, on one of the exercise bikes, a male guest dripping with sweat stood next to me rubbed my stomach in a circular motion and said, “You have to start somewhere.” I nodded and smiled and had thoughts about tying his dangly bits to a weight and dropping it off Deck 9 of the atrium. (more…)

Teachers, Breeze and Simon

June 13, 2014 -

John Heald -

55 Comments

So here we are, well into the school holidays with 481 guests under the age of 21. But it’s not the kids I want to talk about, it’s those that teach them because it’s their holiday time, too. As I sit here in my underpants writing to you, Carnival Miracle is sailing through the extraordinary beauty that is Tracy Arm Fjord and I can’t help but think about (more…)

Today we will start with the Q and A if that’s OK with you. ………..let’s crack on.

 

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I SCREAM ABOUT ICE CREAM

June 6, 2014 -

John Heald -

42 Comments

If I was walking around the Carnival Miracle and saw someone indulging in antisocial behavior, such as sitting on Promenade Deck and putting their feet on one of the chairs or spitting that chewy tobacco stuff into a cup (both of which I have actually seen last cruise), I would simply roll my eyes and keep on walking. If it were something more serious, such as trying to pull a cowboy hat of some poor bugger’s head in the dining room, I would probably even say something. (more…)

My wife is amazing. She runs the house, takes care of my five-year-old daughter and my huge mailman-eating dog, Breeze. She does not have me in her life to help her with any of that because I am sitting here on the Carnival Miracle, in Seattle, wearing only my underpants, writing to you. Yep, she does a terrific job and some may ask how she manages without a man around the house and the answer is simply that, apart from providing a salary, love for my daughter, a walk for my dog and, if it’s November 14, three minutes of rumpy pumpy for Heidi. (more…)

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD

May 27, 2014 -

John Heald -

21 Comments

I like to think that I am capable of doing most of what life throws at me. I can tell a joke, gently persuade a cowboy not to stab a platinum guest in the face with a butter knife, I know how to drive a car, keep people calm in a fire, and boil and egg. I once even managed to put a piece of IKEA furniture together without having a sodding screw left over. Technologically speaking, I’m not bad, either. But when it comes to technology my knowledge and capability is that of the Dali Lama’s understanding of a lap dancing club. And last week I suffered a serious (more…)

Friday Thoughts

May 16, 2014 -

John Heald -

19 Comments

So here I am on my second week as a cruise director again and enjoying immensely being in Alaska. I am finding it a bit more challenging, though, to remember how to be a cruise director again, not the stage stuff but rather the management of 60 people in the entertainment department. And most of them were either in their strollers when I first started with Carnival and, in the case of a few of the dancers, were not even bloody well born yet – FFS! (more…)

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