I think I could be a Jerry Bruckheimer and direct a film; I think I could be a door to door salesman, a teacher, a police officer and even a male pole dancer. I even think I could throw a three point shot, write a book and make a crapafrapacino at Starbucks. But I could not be the late great Steve Jobs and design an Eye Phone or fix the port side engine bearings or redistribute the energy from generator 1 to generator 3. And this is why I stand in open mouthed admiration when I meet an engineer — because he can do something that I cannot.

When I build something, it breaks pretty much immediately. I can’t build a fire. Kye gets frustrated because I can’t get any of the toys I buy her out of the tomb they have been packaged in and even when I do, I can’t build them. I can’t hang a picture, and if I use superglue I end up with part of my body fastened to whatever was broken. I have the practical abilities and engineering sense of a stoned hamster………… I am useless.

I still don’t really know how a ship works. I realize that you put oil in the……… ummmm …….. tank. I know that when the captain moves the thruster levers the engines make noise and I know that, somehow, the grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound is converted into movement. But that’s it. And seeing the Carnival Liberty out of the water and looking at all those thrusters and huge propellers and all the other bits makes me admire so very much the people that build our ships and maintain them each and every day.

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Jeff Trautner Asked:
John,

Love your blog.  Love the CD directory/schedule.  I was wondering if there was a schedule available for the maitre d’.  Last year we fell in love with Ken Byrne and as we plan our cruise for next year, knowing which ship he’ll be working may influence our decision.

Thanks,
Jeff & Lanett Trautner

John Says:
Hello Jeff Trautner

I will have the new CD schedule up soon and I really should work on the maitre d’ one as well. Ken is a great guy isn’t he and he returns to the Carnival Magic in a few days time and will be there until March. He then goes on vacation and for the rest of the year he will be with me on the Carnival Breeze in Europe. He is one of a kind and I can understand why you would want to cruise with him. I hope you get your wish and if you have any other questions, please let me know.

Best wishes
John

Sarah Oxfurth Asked:
Hi John!

I have sent two or three questions/comments that have not been responded to in the past six months, so I am sending this a little early to give you ample opportunity and time for me to get back with you.    One question I had sent before was asking if Carnival was going to Alaska in 2013 as my husband and I want to do our five-year anniversary there.  But, at this time, I write for something much more important and immediate.  John, my husband has served the United States as a U.S. Navy Corpsman for the past 18 years.  On January 8, 2012, we are cruising on the Carnival Conquest, with four of our six children (blended family!).  My husband does not know how much I love him, as I am very hard to live with, I’m afraid, and he doesn’t know how much I appreciate what he does.  He has stepped up and helps me raise my two boys from a prior marriage, being more of a father than their own, being their Cub Scouts leader, going to Scout camps with them, taking them fishing, going camping with them/us, taking them to ball games, just being a dad that he didn’t have to be.  So, I was hoping that if I could arrange for him to be recognized or just sent a note from a fellow seaman, he would feel special.  Of course, I will be getting something, though I don’t know what yet, from Bon Voyage, but to know that I went an extra step to tell OTHER people how proud I am of him (as he thinks I never do!), will warm his heart.  Please, John, I am not here to ask for “free stuff.” I just want him to know how proud I am of him.  Getting him on stage, or just saying his name at Welcome Aboard, or a note from the captain, yourself, and/or the cruise director at the time (not sure who as 2012 schedule isn’t out yet), anything at all, would just warm his heart to know that I told someone else how proud I am of him. We will be in two cabins, cabin 6355 and 6353.  While my husband, Kenn, is listed as being in Cabin 6353, I’m sure most of his time will be spent with me in our balcony cabin 6355.

Thank you so much for all you have done for me and my family in the past, as well as all you do for all the Carnival loyalists that know and love you and your humour (spelt correctly).    And thanks to Heidi and Kye for the sacrifices they make so that you can do so, and holding down the Home Front.

John Says:
Hello Sarah Oxfurth

I have been enjoying your questions on Facebook and glad to see you here on the blog as well. Thanks for the service you give and you both must be very proud of the time you give. I am sure that deep down your husband also knows how much you love him and I hope that the cruise that you both along with your family will be taking on the Carnival Conquest will rejuvenate you both and allow you some down time, fun and relaxation. Please can I ask that you drop me a line on Facebook a few days before you sail and I will make sure I send your husband a welcome aboard gift. Thanks again for writing and my apologies it has taken so long for me to reply.

Best wishes.
John

Terry Feelan Asked:
I agree with Dave M on the subject of your crew not speaking good enough English. Case in point was on my cruise last March on the Carnival Freedom. I asked our server for a decaf espresso and made sure he understood I needed decaf. His name was Wayan from some Asian country and obviously his English was not good enough because that night I couldn’t sleep and had severe stomach pains. I have not taken any caffeine products for 8 years until then and obviously my illness and insomnia was because of his mistake which was one of many. I realize that the crew you employee come from third world countries but the basic understanding the demands of the customer must surely be paramount to them being hired? The servers and the crew I encountered on the Freedom were unable to understand me most times and compared to other lines I found them uneducated to the guests needs IMHO.

John Says:
Hello Terry Feelan

Thanks for writing and before I start and before I forget, I do hope that despite your problems that you had fun on your cruise. There are very strict rules set by us and by USCG who state that in an emergency, the crew must have the English speaking skills to help save the lives of our guests and their own lives as well. English, therefore, is the official language on board and all our crew have to reach a certain standard to be able to work for us. I am sorry that the waiter made a mistake and brought you a regular espresso and I hope your stomach pain was not too severe and that you are OK now.

While I apologise for this, I also have to speak frankly on this subject. English is my first language, however, I forced myself to learn as much Dutch as I can so I can speak to Heidi’s family and friends, especially her Mum who does not speak English. I’m so out of practice though that it’s often a struggle to convey simple concepts as “coffee” and “are you OK.” When I speak Dutch to anyone, they have a tendency to slap their thighs, laugh out loud and make sound recordings of my attempts for future entertainment of their friends and family. Dutch is a very hard language to learn. You need half a ton of phlegm in your mouth to pronounce most of the words. Don’t ever stand too close to a Dutch person and enter a conversation with him ………………….. you will be washing spit out of your hair for months. My point, Terry, is this. Speaking a second language is something most of us cannot say we can do yet Wayan who, by the way, is from Indonesia, like all our crew speaks a second language. They may not be able to discuss the economic situation or converse with you about whether President Obama will win a second term but we insist as a company that all our service staff pass a proficient English test before they are allowed to serve in guest areas. Oh yes, one more thing, all our crew speak one other language………………the language of fun………………..and I think they speak that………………fluently.

Best wishes.
John

Dale Morrill Asked:
Hey John-

Love your blog thingy, your humor and your Facebook thingy. Keep up the great work. Just got back from what was my 10th Carnival cruise this past Monday and had a splendid time as usual.  However, I’m concerned about the “comment card” or their lack of. I remember seeing a post about this subject this past fall and you were letting the beards know.  Well since that time, since October 2010, I’ve been on four Carnival cruises and have not received one comment card via email. I’ve checked and double checked my junk email several times. I get email solicitations from Carnival to the email address I log with my fun pass check in. My previous sail dates from those four cruises were 10/9/10, 11/15/10, 3/31/10 and now 8/18/11. My next cruise is booked for 11/13/11. Please let the beards know there is still a big issue with cruisers not getting comment cards via email.  I’d think I’d have good odds getting one out of four cruises in less than a year?

Thanks again for all you do!

John Says:
Hello Dale Morrill

I think you speak for many on this subject, Dale. At the moment, only 40% of guests per cruise will receive an online comment review card. Guests must have checked the “receive further communication from Carnival” box on the booking form but even then you are not guaranteed to get one. I know that this can be a little frustrating but I have to tell you that there are no immediate plans to change this. I do offer all guests my services by asking you to send me your reviews and I will pass them on to the right people on board and shoreside whether it be praise or not. I will pass on your comments and if there is anything I can do for you before you cruise again, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Julie Schuh Asked:
Good evening John,

I am cruising with my son on the Victory on 12/18/11.  We are so excited we will actually be on the ship for Christmas! My question is, do you know if there will be a jazz band on board for that cruise?  My son is 17 and is an up and coming jazz violinist and loves jazz of any kind.  Will he be able to stay in the jazz club/bar with me to listen? On our last cruise (on another line) he got to play with the band, does Carnival ever allow guests to do something like that?

John Says:
Hello Julie Schuh

How brilliant, a jazz violin player. I used to love listening to a chap called Stefan Grapelli who was an amazing player as I am sure your son is. There isn’t a specific jazz trio on the ship but at least once a cruise the orchestra will play a jazz session. May I suggest that your son takes his violin and once you are on board leave a note at the Guest Services Desk marked to the attention of the cruise director?  Mention my name and that your son would like to play with the orchestra and I am sure that we can arrange something. There may be a talent show as well in which he could perform. Please let me know if you need anything else and I wish your son much success in his musical career and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Harley Mann Asked:
I know you get a lot of requests so I hope you get to mine before we cruise! My wife and I will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on 10/22/11. Can you get me a table for two as my wife and I have lots to talk about? My last name is Mann and we are in cabin 1421.

John Says:
Hello Harley Mann

I have asked the maitre d’ on the ship to assist you as best he can with your table request and I wish you both a wonderful cruise and have fun.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Andrea Estes Asked:
Hi John,

I was wondering if you could help me with an issue with my upcoming cruise on the inaugural sailing on the Carnival Magic from Galveston on Nov. 14th.  Several months ago, we originally booked a cabin for four people, my husband, myself and two daughters and were able to get “confirmed” for Your Time Dining.  Last week, we changed from a four person cabin and added a cabin to the booking so that we would just have two people per stateroom.  By doing this, it created a new booking number for the second room (still same amount of people on our booking) so imagine my disappointment when they could not keep that second cabin on “your time dining” because it is now “waitlisted”.  We didn’t add any more people to our reservation; we only added a room to move two people, which created a second booking number.  This is the first cruise for both of my daughters and the customer service w/Carnival is saying there is NOTHING they can do to connect that second booking # to our original # and assign it to “Your Time Dining” even though we already had it confirmed for the four of us. Is there anything that we can do to get both of our booking #’s confirmed for Your Time Dining?  The original booking # is ______, if you can look into this.  Right now as it stands, my husband & 1 daughter have a confirmed standing on your time dining and then myself and my other daughter have been “waitlisted” for Your Time Dining; which in all likelihood means we will be assigned to an early or late dining time.  I could understand this happening if we were ADDING people to our reservation, but since all we did was add a room, still for a reservation of four people (and had to pay Carnival more money in the process), I’m truly disappointed that they could not accommodate our original confirmation of Your Time Dining for the second booking.  Any assistance, recommendations that you can provide is greatly appreciated.  Thanks so much.

John Says:
Hello Andrea Estes

I am going to send this to the maitre d’ so that he has this information on hand and I know he will do all he can to seat you all together if possible. Please don’t worry and just get ready for what will be a brilliant cruise. I will see you there and if you have any other concerns I hope you will let me know.

Best wishes to all.
John

Rachel Dupuch Asked:
Dear John,

I have recently discovered your blog and was reading about the weight issues you have. As someone who has lost 107 pounds in 14 months I can really recommend gastric bypass surgery for people with morbid obesity like you. I had laparoscopic gastric bypass and it has changed my life and you should have it as well. You are obviously important to Carnival Cruise so maybe they will pay for you to have it done. You really should!!

John Says:
Hello Rachel Dupuch

I am so happy for you as losing 107 pounds is simply extraordinary and I wish you health and happiness in the future. I will keep going the old fashioned way by trying not to eat a whole bucket of KFC and walk more. Thanks for thinking of me.

Best wishes.
John

Julie Asked:
Hi John,

My family will be sailing on the Carnival Ecstasy on Jan 30.  We are very much looking forward to this trip but I do have a few concerns and am not sure where to address them to.  So, I am turning to you.  Our son who is 11 has mild autism spectrum disorder.  For all intents and purposes, he generally seems like a typical 11-year-old boy. However there are some situations that he does not have a typical reaction.  My main concern is the muster drill. I am wondering where I can find out just what that will be like. It’s going to be very hard for him to stay in an area with a lot of people crowded together. I have read of some families with special needs children who have been given permission to stay in their cabins during muster, but as he is a very law and order child, there is no way I will be able to convince him that we can do that when he hears the announcements.  We also try very hard to not make his accommodations so obvious.

If you can give me any feedback or advice about this, I would certainly appreciate it.  Our cabin is M165 on the Jan 30th sailing out of Port Canaveral, as I mentioned.

Thanks so much!
Julie

John Says:
Hello Julie

The first thing I don’t want you to do is to worry at all because we can help. I have heard of this concern before from the parents of an autistic child and I helped them as I will help you by arranging a private 10-minute drill with a staff member who will explain and will show you all you need to know on what your family should do in an emergency. As we are a few months away from your cruise, can I ask that you re-post this here on the blog on December 1, or on my Facebook page a week before you sail? Either way, I will be here to help you.

Best wishes.
John

Carlo A Asked:
We wrote a complaint letter to customer service nine days ago and never received any call, any email, anything. We missed the port call of Nassau on our cruise because of a hurricane and never got money back from Carnival but we did on Celebrity when the same thing happened in 2005. No one had the courtesy of writing or talking to us back. I feel that carnival doesn’t need us as customers. Our booking ref is ______

John Says:
Hello Carlo A

I wanted to apologize that following your letter, nobody had contacted you and hopefully by now they have. Obviously, we cannot control the weather and while missing a port is regrettable, it is something that was done for your safety and the safety of the ship. However, I hope that despite the missed port, that you had fun and enjoyed the brilliant service. I will pass on your comments to our shoreside team.

Best wishes.
John

And that’s all for today.

OK, must push on so here is the latest Piano Bar schedule:

Carnival Liberty                      Dry-dock

Carnival Destiny                                 Agustin Villarin                  10/22/11

Carnival Elation                                  Bruce McGhie                   10/22/11

Carnival Triumph                                Ron Pass                              10/24/11

Carnival Magic                                    Jim Morris                           10/28/11

Carnival Splendor                                Mike Smith                         10/30/11

Carnival Paradise                                  Richard Yerkes                  10/31/11

Carnival Imagination                            Angela Johnson                11/04/11

Carnival Fantasy                                   Hrvoje Knezevic               11/28/11

Carnival Inspiration                            Jafar Curry                          12/03/11

Carnival Pride                                     James Quigley                   12/04/11

Carnival Valor                                     Brad Alexander                 12/11/11

Carnival Spirit                                     Keith Turner                       01/06/12

Carnival Miracle                                  Peter Brenner                   01/13/12

Carnival Freedom                               Marty Gast                         01/14/12

Carnival Legend                                 Pollyanna Jones                01/15/12

Carnival Victory                                 Jerry Selix                            01/22/12

Carnival Sensation                              Barry Miller                         01/26/12

Carnival Glory                                    Tom Riccio                           02/26/12

Carnival Dream                                   David Filsinger                   03/03/12

Carnival Conquest                              Larry Maconaghy             03/04/12

Carnival Ecstasy                                 Frank Glenn                       03/22/12

Carnival Fascination                           Milburn Dumas                 03/31/12

As always, my thanks to all those who support these great entertainers and please pass on your comments to me or the President of The Piano Bar Players Fan Club Laura AKA Divetrash as to who rocks and who maybe doesn’t. I hope they all do and, as always, I thank each and every one of the names above for the great entertainment they provide.

I want to say a big hello to all my British blog readers who over the past few years have had a website to check out all things Carnival which was quite simply not very good. But now there is a new and improved version which mirrors the North American website. In fact, I made some introductory videos for Carnival UK and they are also on the site. So my fellow Brits, please have a look at the site and the videos and you can now book your cruises with us using a site that doesn’t make you shout, “Oh, for ***** **** ” or try to use the American site which gets you all the way up to adding your zip code which of course we don’t have in the same format as our friends across the pond. Anyway…..here it is……enjoy.

www.carnivalcruise.co.uk

Bugger me, time flies doesn’t it? It was a year ago that Queen Elizabeth was launched and Her Majesty the Queen christened her namesake. That day was so special for so many people, especially Cunard’s president and our man in London Mr. Peter Shanks. He has written a brilliant blog about the ship’s first year of service and along with a wonderful video gives you a true insight into what has happened during the last 365 days. And, of course, it is written in Peter’s passionate style. So why not go on over to www.wearecunard.com  and join Peter in this very special anniversary celebration.

As I have been saying these past few days, it has been very hot on the Carnival Liberty with what air conditioning there is having the effect as an asthmatic hamster blowing through a straw. So last night, the hotel director Pier decided that we should open the bar on Lido Deck 9 aft which is one of the few areas where no major work is going on. Normally, the crew lounge is down on Deck 0 but as there was a cooler breeze last night, service was moved outside.

So the hard working crew of the Carnival Liberty let their hair down…….well, all except for Pier the HD who as you saw in the photo on the blog yesterday is totally bald and in his white uniform he looks like a roll-on deodorant…. and had a crew party in the disco.

So the music was playing and I decided to go and say hello. As you know, I am not a big fan of parties mainly because of the music and because they make me feel very old. However, last night I decided to do the right thing and make an appearance. So I braved the sounds of Lady Ga Ga and walked the deck shaking hands and saying hello to my fellow crew members.

Many knew me from past new ship deliveries and it was extraordinary how many wanted to have a photo with me…………..I felt very humbled.

I then stood back and watched nature take its course and by that I mean……………….I watched the crew try and form …………ummmmm………….relationships……………..and as they did, I felt so happy that I am out of that game. I was never any good at talking to girls and spent most of my dating years asking girls out and then asking my Mum to wash their vomit off my clothes.

Honestly, the crew is no different to any dance club on a Friday night. Man wants woman …………..woman wants man…………………yet there are two very different ways that they want to be courted………….and there were many different messages coming from the packed aft deck of the Carnival Liberty  last night.

There were a few girls who seemed to be very good at telling the male crew how sexy they are “Check out my bottom in these tight leather jeans. Could be your lucky night.”

Now these female crew members were mostly surrounded by the Italian contractors who are here to build Guy’s Burger Joint and the other new 2.0 areas…

Then there were those male crew who were trying to let the female crew know they could be interested, but were still deciding whether they were worth the effort. These were the ones who kept checking out their hips and trying to squint down their bras…………mostly this was being done again by the ummmm contractors.

But unlike when I was a young stud muffin, it’s not all down to the man to make the first move because these days the ladies seem to have no problem in making the first move. However there is an art form to this and so to all the lady bloggers reading this, here is John Heald’s Guide On How To Pick Up A Man:

First of all, if you are relatively beautiful and he is relatively not, almost any technique will work from a slight smile to the worst chat-up line, “If you were a new burger at Guy’s Burger Joint, you would be McGorgeous.” If you are relatively ugly and he is relatively not, you’re going to have to hope he agrees that personality is more important than looks. And although every man says that’s important, he is actually talking utter bollocks.

However, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to cheat the system. You can rely on alcohol, but I wouldn’t recommend it. While beer goggles can lead to magical nights in strange beds, going home with someone who looks like George Clooney usually has the cold light of day having you waking up next to someone who looks like me…….naked……snoring……and dribbling slightly, dreaming of having gastric bypass surgery.

Anyway, it was great to see the crew have some fun – they certainly deserve it as they are working extra hard to make sure that she is ready for 3,000 guests in just 11 days time.

And finally in this rather hurried blog, I have to mention one more thing. The captain of the Carnival Liberty is Claudio Cupisti who I have not seen since the Carnival Splendor fire. When we reached San Diego after those three long days and nights at sea we were immediately joined by hoards of beards and inspectors and in the hours that followed we never really got to say goodbye and the next day………….I flew home. So seeing Captain Cupisti these past few days on the Carnival Liberty has been very special. We haven’t spoken much about what happened except that both of us said how still, even today, nearly one year after the incident, how everybody wants to still ask questions about it when they see us. I don’t talk about it much, I think I got all my feelings out in the ridiculously long blogs I wrote. But seeing Claudio again after all this time has brought the memories back again and so I want to finish this blog today by thanking him for all he did. He really was a brilliant Master of the Vessel even under the most trying and testing conditions a carnival ship has ever faced. If there is one Captain who deserves to be on the first Ship that has the new Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades………………it’s Captain Claudio Cupisti.

Time for my American Eagle flight.

Gastric Bypass my arse.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Guest: Mrs. ________ Ref: 941285541A
Cabin: —— Booking#: _______ Added-Changed: 09/05/11 – 09/05/11

      SHOW TOO LOUD
Mrs.______ came to the GSD to say that her husband and she had left the show tonight because it was too loud. Guest was very upset and said that she wanted to meet with the cruise director as she wants the volume lowered for all the shows.

Now the show she was unhappy about was my show, the Welcome Aboard Show, which apart from an overture from Jimmy Boore and the Showtime Orchestra members, is just me, talking on a microphone. And if Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were going to complain about a tub of lard with a microphone, what would they have to say about the high-energy Destination Unknown magic show tonight?

Here on the ships, we have become very conscious about the levels of sound in all our lounges and in the main theatre especially. Levels have been set that fall in accordance with bearded guidelines and are closely monitored by our Apple-loving, nostril-pierced technicians. Now, we do get a few comments about the levels of sound in the main show room especially during our big production shows but compare these comments to those of say five years ago, they are few and far between which is due to said beards with names like Erik, James, Geoff and Joe (sounds like a boy band) who have really made sure we don’t go over the guidelines they have set.

So, baring this in mind and before preparing Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown a basket of apples and plums experience told me that I needed to check where they had been sitting during the show and to find out a little bit about them and discovered they were in their late seventies. I met them this morning during excursion departures for Marseilles and asked them to show me exactly where they were sitting during the show and they were right under one of the main speakers and both were wearing hearing aids which I guess amplified the sound even more.

I had asked Rebecca the sound technician to report on what DB (decibel level) she had run the show at and she told me it was around 90 DB. Now consider that a normal person talks at 60 DB and rock concert by someone like Guns & Roses, Limp Cookie, AC/DC or Celine Dion runs around 150 DB, you can see that the Welcome Aboard show had run within proper parameters. But as I said to Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown if they sit directly under a speaker and you have sensitive ears and a hearing aid ……it’s going to be loud. I then led them to the center of the Showtime theatre and gave them some suggestions on where it might be the most comfortable to sit. I have to say though that as I often see here on the blog as well it appears that Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were not familiar with the words “please” and “thank you” and more on that in a moment.

I know that there were many bad things about living in the past such as the plague, crapping in a hole in the ground and no Megan Fox’s bottom to search for on the internet but there was one marvelous thing our ancestors had that we’ve lost ………….a nice bit of peace and quiet.

If you were a peasant wandering through the forest, you might have terrible teeth and absolutely no sense that the Earth was round, but at least there wasn’t much noise. No cell phones ringing, no thruster noise as you dock at a port, no flight paths, dishwasher beep or elevator Muzak, no tss-tss-tss Eye Pods or those bloody annoying cruise directors and their long-arsed announcements trying to sell you gold by the inch from the gift shops. No screaming Russian guests, just some birds tweeting and the occasional chomping noise as a caveman had his head bitten off by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Not anymore.

The soundtrack to modern life is getting louder and more persistent. Even here on the ship the refrigerator in my cabin beeps at me if I leave it open for more than three seconds and the computers chirp and chime every time an email comes in and the phone rings and and and….

And when was the last time you could honestly say you sat down and read a book without some great, bellowing noise ruining your concentration? That’s why we must always have some areas on our shops with no music, no nothing, just the sound of the sea. Guests can also read and relax in the peace and quiet of their cabin where the announcements from that fat cruise director are never heard and where the phone never rings and where the only sound is the couple in the cabin next door having a massive session of rumpy pumpy……….the lucky bastards. But as I sit here this Tuesday morning in my underpants there is peace and quiet. It’s 6:45 am and the phone won’t ring and the raspberry won’t beep for at least another two hours and the only sounds in my cabin are the click, click, click of the keyboard and the gentle “wooommmpppphhh” of my arse.

Oh by the way, please don’t think of me as cruel but when I was talking to Mrs. Turnitdown she obviously had her hearing aid turned down a bit and I had to repeat myself once or twice so she could hear. Mrs. Turnitdown did all the talking while her husband said nothing, I wouldn’t mind betting he had been saying nothing for many years.

Anyway, I was explaining about the speakers and the volume and was in the middle of a sentence when Mrs. Turnitdown interrupted me to give me a lecture on how we at Carnival could learn from the theatre at their retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida. And it was as I stood in the Showtime theatre at 8:45am being shouted at by a lady who kept adjusting her hearing aid that I couldn’t help but think of Mrs. Richards. Who is Mrs. Richards……well let’s meet her shall we?

Time for some Q and A………..let’s go.

Linda Parsons Asked:
Hello John,

I am booked on the Carnival Dream the first week in December. My first and my other half’s ninth. It’s also our “honeymoon” trip. I was wondering about the weather around that time, mild or cool? Also wondered if there was some sort of water aerobics, or zumba/exercise done aboard ship? Thanks for looking at my question.

Linda Parsons

John Says:
Hello Linda Parsons

I am sure you are getting excited about your honeymoon cruise on your Carnival Dream and you will be happy to know that there will be Pilates, yoga and spin classes available at the Cloud 9 Spa on the ship. If you have any questions about these classes then please let me know as obviously I take them every day, seeing me in the down facing dog thingy is a treat let me tell you. The weather will be fine, certainly not cool but not as humid as the summer although it will be sun bathing and swimming weather for sure. All in all you will have a brilliant cruise and the perfect start to what I hope will be many happy years together.

Best wishes.
John

Michelle Fortson Asked:
We had a nice time on our Pride cruise but I was really surprised that there was nothing provided by Carnival and not one staff member came to our Meet & Greet. There were probably about 50 people who said they were coming and at least 40 showed up. Not a cookie or a glass of water was provided and not one person from the ship’s staff showed up. I have been to quite a few Meet and Greets (mostly on RCCL and NCL) and refreshments are always provided, usually some sort of souvenir and usually lots of people from the entertainment staff and the officers come and greet us and say a few words. We had the captain, cruise director and the heads of all the departments all saying something and telling us to contact them directly if we had any problems. They treat us Cruise Critic members like gold. (The power of the pen). I just think that that is poor customer relations on Carnival’s part.

John Says:
Hello Michelle Fortson

I am very glad to know that you had a great cruise on the Carnival Pride. Obviously I cannot comment about other lines but although we appreciate and respect that Cruise Critic is an important site for cruisers to discuss the pros and cons of cruising and to assist fellow readers with advice and assistance, we only provide a room when asked to arrange a meet and greet. I know the cruise director or a member of the entertainment staff will always try to attend if they can although it is rare that our captains will do so. I will continue to assist in arranging a room for these events and have the time and place mentioned in the Fun Times. I hope despite not having a cookie and a free souvenir that you had fun meeting your on-line friends.

Best wishes
John

Theresa Fecik Asked:
We are going on our third cruise on the Carnival Pride on April 8, 2012. This time, we are bringing our kids for the first time. I was wondering if they do anything special for Easter on the ship for the kids (and for the adults). I know this is a religious holiday so I am not expecting the Easter Bunny or anything. A choice of ham at dinner would be nice though.

Thanks,
Theresa

John Says:
Hello Theresa Fecik

Yes indeed there will be. Camp Carnival will organise a very special Easter egg hunt around the ship and there will be a superb Easter dinner as well in the dining room. I cannot promise religious services though but I can promise you will have a brilliant family cruise vacation.

Best wishes.
John

Glenda Asked:
My DH of 12 years and I will be joining the Spirit on Nov 4 for her 9 day cruise and want to reserve a table for two by the window. Our booking number is ******. John, we are both professional bridge instructors having done stellar work in this capacity for Holland America and also Crystal. Who do I need to talk to at Carnival to arrange complimentary cruises in return for professional bridge instruction and tournament organization? We run the Bridge Deck Club in Naples, Florida and your passengers would appreciate our services so please by return send me confirmation of our table for two requests and the contact information.

John Says:
Hello Glenda

We certainly do have bridge players on specific voyages such as Panama Canal and trans-Atlantic crossings, although it isn’t as popular as it is on Holland America and other lines. Thanks so much for offering your services but we actually use an agency for this already if and when we require bridge instructors. I have asked the maitre d on the Carnival Spirit to do his best to get you your table for two and I wish you both a brilliant time on the Carnival Spirit.

Best wishes.
John

Tracy Asked:
Dear John, (Please respond)

I have been a blog reader for well over a year, and first wanted to say that I love your blog and think its bloody brilliant! My fiancé and I just booked ourselves for Bloggers Cruise 5 on the Carnival Magic, and are very excited.  We are so looking forward to meeting you, and also are looking forward to Ron Pass (we just love him, too). We’ve cruised many times on several lines, but love the value and fun of Carnival. Since this is our first Bloggers Cruise, I was wondering if you can tell me when more information will be available on the bloggers events.  Specifically, I understand that there is a special bloggers excursion that is offered.  I usually plan all our excursions well in advance, but we would like to know what the bloggers option is before confirming everything else. And will you be participating in this excursion?  Any information you have would be appreciated. Thanks for everything you do to make most guests have a wonderful vacation (I know there are always some people who are never happy and can’t be pleased) don’t let the few get to you!

Thank you.
Tracy (Looking forward to March!!)

BTW – you mentioned Alaska cruises a few weeks ago – we went to Alaska this spring and it really was a trip of a lifetime – as much as I love the sun of the Caribbean, this was by far the best trip I’ve ever taken!

John Says:
Hello Tracy

I was thrilled to read that you have booked Bloggers Cruise 5 and both Ron and I will do all we can to make sure it is the best cruise ever. I will be working on the events in October but I can tell you there will be morning get togethers, tea times, private shows and much more. Then there will be a private excursion in Cozumel which although not confirmed just yet will probably be a beach event similar to the one we had on BC3 or was it BC2? Anyway, I will release details as soon as I can as I realise that many guests like to book in advance. I can tell you that it will be a brilliant cruise especially as we are holding it here on the Carnival Magic, a ship you will truly love. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes to you both and see you soon.
John

Patricia Halverson Asked:

Hello John.

We are three women traveling on the Magic Oct 28 out of Barcelona. Could you tell me when can we take our suitcases to the port or how early can we take them the ship does not leave until 5 but if we have to be out of the hotel we would like to sightsee and do not know what we are going to do with our luggage. Thank you for all the good stories. Love Carnival — my 11th trip.

Pat

John Says:
Hello Patricia Halverson

It won’t be too long before you are here on the Carnival Magic. Unfortunately there is no checked luggage at the terminal, so you have two choices. First of all, you can come straight to the ship and check in as early as 10:30am. You can hand your luggage to the porters and then turn around and get a taxi to Las Ramblas and explore. You will still need to have your carry-ons with you though as there is nowhere to put them as the state rooms are not ready until 1:30pm. The other choice is to maybe pre-book a minivan taxi online and arrange them to collect you and your luggage from your hotel and then after touring bring you to the ship. Please remember the final check in time is 4 pm. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you a wonderful time and thanks for your loyalty to Carnival.

Best wishes.
John

Benedict Ashley Montgomery Asked:
Hi John,

How would you advise me to go about one of my career ambitions to become a cruise director? I attended a theatre school full time for seven years so have experience in entertainment. Keep up the fantastic blog as I said it does brighten up my day as I had a rough few years with people at school (thank God I’ve now taken my GCSEs) and now a brand new start.

Best wishes.

John Says:
Hello Benedict Ashley Montgomery

Thanks so much for the kind words about the blog and to get you started may I suggest you have a look at www.carnivalentertainment.com which has all the information about the job and how to apply for the position of entertainment staff. I hope your dreams come true and if there is anything else you think I can help you with, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Deena Goodman Asked:
John,

I’m cruising on the Spirit Oct 21 2011, The roll call on the CC site and myself have planned a door decorating contest and would like to run this over with the CD of the Spirit……..We have trophies and medals and honorable mention ribbons..And first prize ………bar coupon book …….. 2^nd……..photo coupon and 3rd soda coupon book… Was needing the CD’s assistance in getting the ballots out. Or do I just go to various venues on board and hand them out to the PAX? Please let me know the best way to handle this. Our medals are engraved with the ship’s name and date and will be given with a trophy and prize stated above.

Thank you.
Deena

John Says:
Hello Deena Goodman

Sounds like a fun event and I have sent this to the Carnival Spirit cruise director who will be in touch with you when you board. I am sure we can add a few prizes as well. Do you have a meet and greet arranged or would you like me to do this for you. Please let me know here or if possible through my Facebook page so I can get started on helping you. I hope you all have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today and I will be back tomorrow with more.

OK, please join me in congratulating the winners of August’s employees of the month here on the Carnival Magic.

And as promised here are the new dessert menu rotations for the three- and four-day cruises.

So with the office closed yesterday for Labor Day, I haven’t had a chance to tell you who is sailing with us today so here is that information.

GUESTS                                 3721

FRENCH CANADIAN         411

RUSSIAN                              289

BRITISH                                328

SPANISH                               101

DUTCH                                  46

GERMAN                              44

So 411 French Canadians all of which will have their Fun Times translated into French…..by me. And as mentioned we only have 91 children. Now at this point I usually show you where we are going but today it’s a little different as you will see from this copy of the letter that every guest received when they boarded the ship.

 

September 4, 2011

Welcome fun seekers!

We’re excited to have you sailing with us aboard the beautiful Carnival Magic. We can’t wait to show you all the fun activities we have in store for you!  In the meantime, we just need a moment of your time to give you an update on our itinerary. 

Earlier this week, we sent you an email to make you aware of a potential general strike in Italy that could affect our scheduled itinerary. The strike will impact all Italian ports, and since major demonstrations are planned in the center of Rome, many streets will be closed off to traffic and all local transportation will be halted.

At this point, it appears that the strike will proceed as scheduled and in order for us to secure tours and berthing facilities; we have confirmed the alternate itinerary previously communicated.  

We will now visit the beautiful port of Marseilles, France on Tuesday, Civitavecchia on Wednesday, and Livorno on Thursday.  Although this means we are forced to cancel our scheduled call to Naples, these changes will enable us to avoid the anticipated disruptions this coming Tuesday in Rome.  Additionally, we will be able to provide you with a new port of call and still visit Rome and Livorno (where you can tour Pisa, Florence and Tuscany), which are two of the highlights for this cruise.   Below is our revised itinerary:

 

Day    Port of Call                        Arrive           Depart

Sun    Barcelona, Spain                                     5:00 PM                                  

Mon    Monaco                              9:00 AM          8:00 PM                         

Tue    Marseilles, France                  7:00 AM          4:00 PM 

Wed    Rome (Civitavecchia), Italy         9:00 AM      10:00 PM

Thu    Livorno, (Florence/Pisa), Italy     7:00 AM          6:30 PM                     

Fri Fun Day @ Sea 

Sat    Dubrovnik, Croatia                 10:00 AM         7:00 PM

Sun    Venice, Italy                       2:00 PM      Overnight                                                

Mon    Venice, Italy                      Overnight        7:00 PM

Tue    Fun Day @ Sea

Wed   Messina (Sicily), Italy             7:00 AM          4:00 PM

Thu    Fun Day @ Sea

Fri    Barcelona, Spain                    5:00 AM          

 

You’re going to love Marseilles, known for its stunning Mediterranean coastline and beautiful architecture. Enjoy the city’s natural beauty when you stroll along Marseille’s main street La Canabiere lined with cafes and attractive hotels. Be sure to visit the famous Notre Dame de la Garde Basilica, situated at the highest natural point in Marseilles. No matter what you do in this old city, you’ll be sure to leave with lots of beautiful memories as souvenirs. Reserve your fun tours for Marseilles, from the comfort of your stateroom through the interactive television or visit our shore excursions desk located on Lobby, deck 3 – forward.

Just one more thing…all pre-purchased shore excursions for Civitavecchia and Livorno will be automatically adjusted to the new day and time and tours purchased for Naples will be refunded to your on board Sail & Sign account.

We apologize for this change in plans and thank you for your understanding.  My officers, staff and crew are committed to providing you a FUN and magical cruise vacation.

See you on board soon!

Captain Salvatore Rassello
Carnival Magic

So, a general strike in Italy means that today we are in Marseilles instead of Rome. What they are striking about I am not sure. It could be money, conditions of work or that Italian men should have the right to slap any woman’s bottom they want to without fear of prosecution, who knows. What I do know is that many thousands of demonstrators will be in Rome today and therefore we canceled the port. So, we will be in Rome tomorrow where unlike today the major attractions will be open and the trains and buses will be operating as normal. Unfortunately this has meant we have had to sacrifice one of the ports and that port is Naples. If it wasn’t Naples it would have been Dubrovnik or indeed Rome itself but after much discussion we decided it should be Naples. At my welcome aboard orientation talk I explained that we could return to Naples on the sea days as we would be much further north and overall everyone seems to have accepted the change. However, as normal there are exceptions and here are two for you to read now.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 871098227A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/04/11 – 09/04/11
Guest called the GSD to say how upset she was that we were canceling the port of call of Naples. Mrs_______ states that the only reason she booked this cruise was to go to Naples. Guest is asking for compensation.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 8912541274A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/03/11 – 09/03/11

Mr and Mrs______approached the desk to explain that they had arranged to visit their cousins in Naples who they had not seen in 18 years. Guest wants Carnival to arrange free transfer to Naples from Livorno.

So, overall we only had a dozen or so comments, although there was disappointment that we had canceled Naples. However, let’s look again at the two above starting with the first one and here let’s play a game. I will type out a sentence and you fill in the blank. If the only reason you took this cruise was to go to Naples then why didn’t you __________. And demanding compensation for this is a load of_____________.

See, you didn’t need me did you?

One has to have a degree of sympathy though for couple number two who was looking forward to seeing their family whom they have not seen for 18 years. We won’t be providing free transportation although we have allowed them free phone calls to their family in Naples which because the couple are from Pennsylvania and speak no Italian and the family from Naples speak no English, Fredarica our Italian GSA did the talking.

So we will be in Rome tomorrow and today we are in Marseilles where the weather is lovely as it was yesterday in Monaco.

As you know I refer to the Carnival shoreside management as “beards.” Actually, the beards come in two categories. There are the senior beards led by Chief Executive Beard Gerry Cahill and then there are the techy beards who also eat tofu three times a day and worship at the altar of Apple. The beards are the men and women who will be shaping the future of your favourite cruise line. Many of them actually have facial hair and not just the men, but that’s a story for another day. And now I think I just may grow one too.

Shipboard crew is not allowed beards but I may say bollocks to the rules and turn my back on corporate rules and grow one. Johnny Depp did and everyone said he looked like a stud muffin, so then can I?  But there is another reason why I am going to let hair spring forth from my face. And that’s the price of sodding razor blades! Bloody hell, it’s pure robbery and is so expensive it would have Donald Trump saying “how much” to the shop assistant at Walgreens.

And while it’s expensive in the states, try buying them in Barcelona. I asked my assistant Mel to get me some Gillette Mach 3 Turbo blades for me and she came back saying I owed her 28 Euros, for four blades.  Four…….not 40……..but a lonely four. I could not believe it. So can someone explain to me then why razor blades probably cost about 50 cents each to make, but are so expensive to buy? Maybe they are so expensive as Gillette has to pay David Beckham millions of dollars to stand at a mirror shaving with a cucumber shoved down his underpants.

There are other things that cost so much to buy that I wonder why they can get away with such baffling sums of money. Batteries, sun lotion oh and bottled water that has been “flowing through the Swiss mountains for hundreds of years” yet costs ridiculous amounts and comes with a sodding sell by date!  But I can’t grow a beard because shaving is a manly thing. It is something that shows we are the stronger race that we are indeed………..men.

Or at least that’s what I thought until I discussed the outrageous price of Gillette razors with Calvyn. He told me that he uses the complimentary six packs of Venus disposable lady razors we place in the cabins. “They will do everything” he said. “Legs, armpits, they even tidy my downstairs shrubbery.”

Yep……….time to grow a beard.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Melanie Russell Asked:
I love your sense of humor, and your blogs. Just one thing, the word poop means to have a bowel movement, and pop means to go somewhere. For example, I am going to pop downstairs, which means you are going downstairs. If it is intentional, disregard this.  I just didn’t know if you were aware of the word. Carry on, regardless!

John Says:
Hello Melanie Russell

I guess I should explain because I really don’t want to offend anyone. I had been writing on my Facebook page that I would “pop downstairs (to the bottom of the page) and answer questions. Then one day and quite by accident I added an extra “o” so it became poop downstairs. Well, obviously everyone laughed and wrote and told me about my mistake and so I kept it in. I hope it doesn’t offend you or any of the readers but it has sort of become standard now on Facebook. Thanks for allowing me the chance to explain and thank you also for those very very kind words.

Best wishes.
John

Rhonda Brookshire Asked:
Hi John,

I am fairly new to cruising, have only been on one cruise in 2008 (just my son and myself) and am about to board my second cruise on the Carnival Valor on October 2.  I love Carnival and have researched several choices and come to the conclusion I can’t imagine choosing another cruise line. Anyway, I have just recently discovered your blog and Facebook page. I think you’re hilarious!!! I was wondering if you ever sail on any of the ships that dock out of California.  I am in Arizona and Florida departures are a stretch for me (thus, the three years between cruises). I plan on many more cruises, but out of California, and I would love to have the experience of you as the director. Thank you for your time.

Rhonda

John Says:
Hello Rhonda Brookshire

Thank you so very much for those kind words and how brilliant that you have found Carnival and that it is for you love at the first cruise. Thanks a lot for finding the blog and I hope it continues to give you much enjoyment. Last year I had some wonderful months on the Carnival Splendor which sails out of Long Beach and I hope to return there one day. I have no specific dates for this but I really loved the West Coast. I know you have a long way to travel to get to the Carnival Valor and I hope that you have the best of times and loads of fun and that we sail together one day soon.

Best wishes.
John

JoAnne Asked:
We just came off a cruise to Alaska and I have to tell you of our disappointments. The dining room was really the worst. Not once was the table set correctly. On each occasion we were missing assorted silverware, bread plates or glasses. Even when we asked for the situation to be remedied, it was never quite right. For example, two bread plates and three butter knives missing ……… remedied with the arrival of one bread plate and two butter knives…although we had to ask twice for actual butter………and the bread basket contained four rolls, at a table set for six people.

This may seem petty, but it is a matter of training and attention to detail. Along the same lines …….waiters filling water glasses……..then reaching across to fill the next diner’s glass, dripping water and ice into my meal……..this happened several times. At our one breakfast visit I asked for grapefruit juice and another lady seated with us ordered orange juice. The waiter brought two glasses, placed them in front of us and we both took sips. We instantly realized that the glasses were the wrong way around and pointed this out to the waiter……..who calmly picked up both glasses………and switched them! He then seemed confused when we suggested that perhaps he could get us fresh juice as neither one of us wished to drink from a stranger’s glass. The waiters also seemed incapable of keeping track of orders and so stood at the table holding dishes until someone claimed them. This was especially bizarre when there were only four people at the table! What is there to say about a buffet that runs out of oatmeal at 9 in the morning on an “at sea” day? It also ran out of grapefruit although my husband managed to convince the “juice man” that perhaps he could let him have one. The coffee machines were constantly breaking down. The iced tea dispensers rarely worked and green tea was almost impossible to come by. We never met our steward! Our cabin was well tended in an unobtrusive and professional manner. There was a problem with a non-functioning toilet on our first full day at sea but this was quickly dealt with. Our “beach” towels were not replaced but this was not really an issue. We called housekeeping on our first night and asked for robes so that we could visit the hot tub and they were delivered to our cabin within 10 minutes. We had “towel animals” on 3 nights and enjoyed them very much. The beds are wonderful!!!! Very comfortable and we enjoyed having duvets as opposed to blankets. Lots of nice pillows as well. Overall a very disappointing cruise.

John Says:
Hello JoAnne

Thank you for this very frank and honest opinion of your cruise on the Carnival Spirit. I was though so very surprised about the dining room comments as this is a rare complaint but one that when I forward to the ship’s senior management they will take very seriously. One thing did confuse me was the comment about the bread as we don’t actually place bread baskets on the table but it is in fact a pass round service. Regardless it seems like we have some improving to do and I will make sure that the right people see this. I am glad you enjoyed the Carnival Comfort Bed though and I hope that you will accept my apology for what happened and my assurances that steps will be taken to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Best wishes.
John

Gene Londergan Asked:
Hi John

This should be an easy one to answer……..how do you pronounce your last name?  I need to know so I say it right when I tell people about your great blog!! Is Heald as in “I held my tongue when the amazingly rude passenger asked another stupid question” or Heald as in “In my mind when I read the blog, it’s funnier if you imagine John with a very well-heeled British accent.” Just wondering….

John Says:
Hello Gene Londergan

Thanks for the great question. I sometimes get called John Head, John Herald or Fat Bastard. The name is actually pronounced Heald as in heeled or his injuries have healed. Thanks for asking and I hope we meet one day very soon. Best wishes.

John

Naomi Willet Asked:
John,

Didn’t get an acknowledgement of my earlier posting so trying AGAIN! My family will be cruising with carnival and on the Pride 11/21/11 and I have some questions and a request. One of the ports is Canaveral and I have seen that you have tours to the theme parks. Why doesn’t Carnival have free transportation to Disney and Universal like RCCL and Disney cruise lines have? I will be with my wife and three kids and it becomes too expensive and is cheaper for me to actually rent a car and drive there then take tours. I also want to make sure that we have a private table for 5 as we have very strict rules at supper time that are nobody else’s business so can you make sure that we have a private table. This is our booking number ******!

John Says:
Hello Naomi Willet

I am very sorry that I missed this the first time you posted it and I am glad I got to see it now. Thank you for booking the Carnival Pride and I know you will love the ship and her crew. We do indeed offer excellent excursions to the theme parks but you’re correct that we do not offer free transportation. I haven’t done a price comparison with excursions that include park admission and car hire but I would point out that the car needs to be collected and returned and that takes time of course. The benefit of our excursions is that you get on, go, enjoy and come back without any hassle. I realize that with five people it can get expensive but we hope you enjoy your time aboard the Carnival Pride and your excursions to the theme park or anywhere else for that matter. I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with your table request and I am sure he will be able to help you. Best wishes to you all and have a great cruise.

John

Cassie R Asked:
John,

We will be sailing with you on the Carnival Breeze next year and wondered if the ship will have a RedFrog Pub like magic. My husband is originally from Trinidad and is very excited to see that you have a Caribbean pub. Can’t wait to see you and the ship.

Regards,
Cassie

John Says:
Hello Cassie R

The good news is that yes indeed, just like her sister ship the Carnival Magic our new ship Carnival Breeze will have the massively popular RedFrog Pub in which your husband can enjoy the Caribbean vibes that I am sure he misses. I really look forward to seeing you next year.

Best wishes to you both.
John

4×4 Cruiser Asked:
John.

Tom and Cheryl are well known on Cruise Critic and your blog today was most unfair to them. They are respected members of the Cruise Critic community and if they say they had a bad experience at The Chef’s Table then trust me, mister, they did. I am sure some will have canceled their Chef’s Table reservation based on their review and rather than ridicule them you should have been professional and apologized and refunded their money.

John Says:
Hello 4 x 4 Cruiser

I understand that you are referring to an answer I gave some weeks ago about The Chef’s Table experience as encountered by Cruise Critic members Tom and Cheryl. I remember this well but what I don’t remember is that I ridiculed them in any way and if that’s how it came across then I truly apologise. The Chef’s Table remains very popular and in fact I just sent 108 reservations made this week here on the blog to the fleet. Once again I apologise to them for the experience which if I remember was a negative one not because of the food or the service but because of the guests they shared the table with.

Best wishes.
John

Doug Saunders Asked:
John,

We are celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary on the Carnival Liberty’s November 19, 2011 sailing and was hoping you could surprise my wife with a small gift. We are big fans of yours and it will be our fifth Carnival cruise.

John Says:
Hello Doug Saunders

I will be happy to do this so please can you remind me here in a month’s time or one week before on Facebook. Either way I will do my best to help and wish you a brilliant anniversary cruise.

Best wishes.
John

John G Asked:
My son was so upset that he wasn’t allowed to go down the big slides on the Carnival Dream. He was told he was too small and I offered to sign a waiver but was told that this would not be possible. This meant I had a crying 4 year old for seven days.

Thanks, Carnival.

John Says:
Hello John G

I am so sorry that your son was upset, I really am but I am sure you can understand that we have very strict rules which are designed only to protect those who use the water park. Regardless of if you signed a waiver or not the fact that he is smaller than the designated height could mean that he could have injured himself. I do hope that despite this you had fun together.

Best wishes.
John

Lynda Grantham Asked:
Is there any chance that I could ask you for a very big personal favor? I am legally blind in my right eye and have limited vision in my left eye. I will be cruising again with Carnival this time on the Freedom going to Panama and Costa Rica departing on September the 24 in cabin 7298. I need to have seats reserved for the shows that go on as I cannot see anything unless I am on the front row. I am being joined on the cruise by my husband and another couple Jason and Ruth Green in cabin 6355. Please reserve seating for me and they will join me as well. How will I know when this is done?

John Says:
Hello Lynda Grantham

I am glad you were able to contact me and of course we are more than happy to help you. I am going to have our special needs team contact you and they will just need to see medical proof which I am sure you have that states your condition. They will then ask if there is anything else we can do to make you more comfortable during your time onboard. They will then contact the ship and the staff will reserve two seats accordingly so that you can enjoy the shows in the company of your husband. I will though unfortunately not be able to reserve seats for the Greens. Thank you then for getting in touch and someone will be in contact soon. Best wishes and have a brilliant time.

John

That’s all for today.

Well I hope you are OK. And of course I am speaking to those readers in the Caribbean and in the United States who may have been affected by Hurricane Bastard…..I refuse to call her Irene ………..I had a Great Aunt Irene. She used to give me money to buy candy and a new football (sacccceer) boots and even though I spent the money on magazines called Penthouse and Big Jugs she was a very sweet lady unlike the bastard that ripped through so many places these past 24 hours.

In a way, we have felt a bit disconnected from everything that has happened as in The Med we have been blessed with sunshine and mostly calm seas. I made sure the TV’s had the news on and certainly guests from the areas affected gathered together to watch Andersen Blister and his CNN colleagues describe what was happening. It was I am sure a very stressful time for those who were in the storm’s path and I know many of the thousands of blog readers are from areas that Hurricane Bastard passed through and I hope that you, your families and your property are all OK.

It has of course been a challenging time for some of the ships in the Carnival fleet and over the past 48 hours I did my best to keep everyone updated on Facebook. Let’s stop by and visit a few of the ships and hear what their cruise directors have to say. We will start with Butch on the Carnival Dream.

Hey John,

Before I tell you about the seas last night, I have to say that the Carnival Dream was truly blessed with an amazing voyage despite the crazy tropical weather out there. We started the week not knowing if our itinerary would be OK due to Tropical Strom Harvey, and not sure of our path home due to Hurricane Irene. We didn’t have a drop of rain, barely a cloud in the sky and had smooth sailing all cruise until about 8 pm last night…….we had a pretty bumpy ride home with swells well over 20 feet, what really made the situation interesting is the direction they were coming and the path of the ship. It was a perfect mix to make direct contact causing some huge sea sprays. In almost eight years of cruising I can say that it really wasn’t that bad, mediocre at best, we still were able to do the shows and the only guest service that was compromised is that we had to close the pools early for safety reasons and to avoid deck flooding…..I have been in much worse during the Caribbean winters when the wind causes huge swells. I have vivid memories of Hurricane Jeanne (2004) on the Carnival Glory……….and the cruise director on that ship ….. none other than the great John Heald! I remember the hurricane was headed toward Florida and we were coming from the Eastern Caribbean behind it……it took a turn to go out to sea and all looked good until she decided to take another U-turn and head right toward the coast of Florida……we turned back around and got the hell out of dodge, but not before being caught in crazy 50 mph wind and 40-foot swells……our seven-day voyage turned into a nine-day cruise as we waited it out….in eight years it’s the only time I have ever been sea sick!

Kind Regards,

Butch Begovich

Now we go to Risa Barnes and the Carnival Fantasy. Remember she was supposed to go to Bermuda and probably had the most dramatic of the itinerary changes. This report was received from Risa at 2:15pm on Sunday, Aug. 28

Hey John,

Here’s the update:

Around 5pm on the first sea day the seas calmed and we had a lovely evening of elegance with shows, music and fun. The next sea day Saturday was absolutely BEAUTIFUL…smooth sailing and sunshine all day! Today we are in Cozumel and unfortunately the previous forecast for sunshine was taken away from us and we have had overcast skies and slight drizzle all day, but still the guests are able to get off and explore the shore! So far all is well I will know better what the mood is at 5pm when we have our past guest reception with 1,437 repeat guests onboard!

Risa

And here is Malcolm in the Middle on Carnival Miracle which was sent on Saturday, August 27, at 9 am EST.

Hey John,

We have just heard from the captain. Half Moon Cay has sustained some minor damage due to the storm, and will not be ready for our guests in two days. There are no other ports for us to go to. I would imagine many ships have switched itineraries and taking what’s available before we get there. We now have an additional day at sea. The sea swells have kicked up a bit, so we are experiencing some good rocking right now, with considerable splashing along side. We are currently east of the storm now heading south to Grand Turk.

Love You
xxoo J (two more cruises till vacation, Woo Hoo!)

And here is the view from Malcolm’s balcony……..yes, senior officers have balconies on Spirit class ships.

And now we go off to Brent, the CD of the Carnival Pride. This was sent on Sunday August 28, at 1:30pm EST, after the ship debarked its guests and was waiting for the storm to pass before taking on more guests on Monday.

Hey John,

Made it!! Well it’s been a long 24hrs mostly for the captain and his officers as he’s been living on the bridge during all this with an espresso being his best friend I imagine. We made it to our anchor point yesterday about 4 pm (with only the crew on board – no guests) and shortly after the weather really came in. The area we’re in is in Chesapeake Bay and about 2 miles from land where it’s only about 25 meters deep which helped cut down on any large waves or swells. We got the full force of it this morning at about 1:30am. Being night time I really couldn’t get any pictures but I can assure you it was seriously windy!! Walking around today everything looks to be in good shape and no damage. Today the wind is still strong but only a few clouds and SUN! Have to really commend Captain Giacalone for keeping us all safe as going through this can’t be easy for any captain!! Not to mention today is also his birthday………poor guy. Here are a few photos of when it just started to hit us (trust me it doesn’t do it justice) and also of Lido where we pulled everything inside and one I took just now showing how close we are to land and how nice it is outside!

Brent

And finally the Carnival Glory and her Cruise Director Josh aka “Big Sexy.” Here is his honest report which I received at 2:45pm Sunday, Aug. 28.

Hey John –

I know you’ve been at sea for a long time, but in my seven and a half years with this company and 17 different ships, this is probably some of the worst sea conditions I’ve encountered.  As of right now, the ship is experiencing large swells which basically feels like you’re in a constant roller coaster while sporting a nasty hangover from cheap tequila… It sure takes me back to my old college days….

Yesterday was an adventure in itself too. First off, New York City was eerily calm as the Glory sat at Pier 88 in lower west side Manhattan. There was a mandatory citywide evacuation and all mass transit was shut down by 12 noon (the city felt like something out of the Will Smith flick, “I Am Legend”). Last night’s Welcome Show was also quite interesting, to say the least as it needed to be done without the dancer section given the rough seas.  So, I walked out on stage with an awkward feeling of nausea, jacked up on three Dramamine and feeling like I was kicked in the head by a mule about 139 times, and proceeded (along with the Glory Show band, E-Staff Team and comedian Lenny Marcus) to give a solid 35-minute performance to a crowd who was so drugged up and comatose that a Phish concert would be jealous….

On another note, the New Yorkers sure are tough and seem to be in relatively good spirits (those that are actually out of their cabins), and my Fun Ashore presentation this morning was quite busy (I’m assuming due to wanting to find out more about the weather and our revised itinerary).  The guests are a slowly getting their sea legs but ultimately they are all OK.

 

Thanks to all my colleagues for sending me updates and more importantly for their continuing hard work and dedication in turning a difficult situation into the most fun possible. Well done to them and of course to the captain and crew of all the ships that have been affected by big old Hurricane Bastard.

While many of the 24-hour news channels played their Armageddon is coming pieces over and over again, there was one area that many thought would not survive and that indeed it would be a catastrophe and that place was paradise or as it is also called……….Half Moon Cay.

And here to tell us how what is for many Carnival and Holland America guests their favourite Caribbean destination. What follows is an interview with Matt Sams, a gentleman whom I have had the honour of knowing for many years. We worked together for some years and I can honestly say that he was and continues to be a great ambassador for cruising. He joined Carnival Cruise Lines in 1985 as an operations supervisor and eventually was named director of port operations before heading over to Holland America.

During his time at CCL, Matt was in charge of all port operations, interior dry dock repairs, major refurbishments and interior designs of existing vessels, shore excursion operations, new buildings of Jubilee, Celebration, and on board revenue. He joined Holland America Line in May 1997, as vice president of Caribbean relations. And he truly is Half Moon Cay. He has nurtured and developed the island and who better than to tell us about what happened. So I sent him a few questions and he responded immediately. Here is what he had to say:

Matt, what preparations on the island were made for the hurricane’s arrival?
Due to an itinerary change, courtesy of Irene, Carnival Miracle called at Half Moon Cay on Aug 23. During the same day, the storm rapidly grew in and became a major hurricane. The staff did a great job installing hurricane shutters, storing lounge chairs, furniture, decorations, etc. The electrical and water plants required shutter protection and shut down. The smaller boats were taken out of the marina and filled with water for weight to avoid them from hitting other vessels or the sides of the marina. The larger boats were roped off in the middle of the Marina so they were free of other vessels and the floating docks. The Half Moon Clipper and the three large passenger tenders were taken to Davis Harbor in Eleuthera as it is much larger than Half Moon Cay and is better protected. The entire crew worked very hard to accomplish all of these tasks. The crew departed at 9 pm. Some of the employees did not get home until after midnight.

Having put so much personal dedication into HMC yourself; you must have been so concerned about what Irene would do. What were your biggest fears?
My biggest fear was the potential damage to the storm was a strong category 3. We were obviously concerned that the storm could close the island for an extended period and also that the marina would be obstructed due to heavy boulders falling into the water. If this were to happen, the Half Moon Clipper and the tenders would not be able to enter the marina to disembark employees, guests, and supplies. Major damage to the floating docks, would also not allow safe passage of passengers and supplies. All of the major mechanical areas were in good shape. If the water plant or electrical generator plant would have been seriously damaged, the delay in reopening the island would have been seriously affected.

So, now you have seen the island what can you tell us about the damage?
As inspections continue, it becomes more and more obvious that we dodged a huge bullet. The south east beach (which is not used) has eroded to bed rock which means approximately nine feet vertically by 40-foot from the shore line by over a mile in length. We are finding isolated electrical shorts due to distribution panels being flooded. There are several small water leaks that are also being dealt with. There is evidence that the island experienced at least one tornado. The ocean is still very rough and erosion is continuing. A beach refurbishment contractor will be here tomorrow (he has rebuilt this beach seven times over the years). Employee housing will need a lot of work. Doors are swollen, a lot of roof leaks, ceiling tile damage.  Half Moon Cay marina is clear and Davis Harbor is being inspected today for some damage to the floating docks. A large water main break also occurred by the Welcome Center. The Marina at Davis Harbor has been inspected and found to be clear of obstructions. We will be dispatching a boat with 23 more staff, bringing the staffing level to 32.

And as you know many were concerned about the horses. Can you confirm they are OK?
All 47 horses were found in great shape.

I know at this early stage it’s probably difficult to estimate but when do you see HMC being ready to welcome Carnival Corp guests?
The island will reopen on September 4.

As I mentioned, the number of people who asked me about HMC on the blog and on Facebook was extraordinary and shows just how much Holland America and Carnival guests love the island. Why is Half Moon Cay loved by so many?
Half Moon Cay is exactly what passengers think of when they think of the Caribbean. Our beautiful beaches, friendly staff, and unique excursions only add to this experience.

And finally, what does the future hold for this slice of paradise?
We get a lot of requests for additional shopping venues. We are looking into this. We are also in the final stages of opening a state-of-the-art spa complex that will be done with an island theme. Stay tuned for further details

Thanks Matt for that personal look at what could have happened, what did happen and for telling us that paradise re-opens on September 4. We are all very grateful.

Let’s change the subject and talk about my daughter for a moment, if we can. Kye was crying yesterday. She wanted her Dadda and kept saying “Dadda gone, Dadda gone” and Heidi sent me an email asking me to call and console her. So I did and said that I would be home with her very, very soon. But actually its 22 days until I am home so therefore I lied to her. Yes, she stopped crying and yes I made her laugh but in order for this to happen I had lied to my 2-year-old daughter. I guess though it’s not the only lie I will be telling her and when she is old she will realise that Mama and Dadda talk total bollocks.

There is no tooth fairy; that strange, obese bloke with a beard does not creep into your house under the cloak of darkness to leave you gifts once a year because he does not exist and, furthermore, his image, as we know it, was entirely created by a corporate fat cat as a means to sell more toys. The fat bastard she may have caught a glimpse of on December 25 was in fact her Dad pooping down to the refrigerator at 2 am for something to munch on.

Also, Kye will eventually learn that she was not delivered into this world by a kindly stork who delivered her to our house. You will not be marrying a prince. The cat that she liked to play with in the garden did not get taken to live on a farm (in the sky) he was sent away for continuing to drop fresh turds on my doorstep and is buried behind the garden shed. As sure as I know that Kye will one day realise these to be not true I also know that anti-aging face creams don’t really do what they say they do yet my wife spends ages putting these creams on and I won’t mention that each pot costs the same as caviar. I also know that despite how strongly I wish for it that there will always be at least one negative comment on the list of 10 questions I answer here on the blog. I also know that I will never own an Aston Martin or ever get to drive one, that Megan Fox’s bottom will never be something I will see up close and personal.

I also know, as now do many thousands of people, that all cruise lines are not created equal …….. especially if your ships sailed and you are left behind in San Juan.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

P.S. Here are today’s Fun Times, from your Carnival Miracle.

However, he wasn’t the only one to administer a bollocking to me about my language because I used the word “trash” instead of “rubbish” while talking to my father on the phone. And being a retired high school principal he turned into William Shakespeare and threatened his footeth wouldeth be forever upeth my arseeth………..if I ever spoke American in his presence again.

But it’s not just me. Kids here in the UK all speak like they are on the set of Glee. “Whatever” ……..“Shuuuuuut up” are the watchwords of today’s British children.

I guess that with Disney’s 24 hour channel on TV there is some excuse for this. But it’s not just the kids. I was with my mate Alan the other day and we were talking about something and he said “that sucks.” Now a 12 year old saying “what ev eeerrr” is one thing but a 46 year old man from Southend on Sea saying “that sucks” is not OK. Surely he must realize (spelt incorrectly Mr Geoff) saying this makes him look like a stupid sod.

My father has always said that American speak is slowly overtaking “proper” English. Well Dad, I am sorry to say it’s not slowly overtaking ………it’s here…….and has overtaken “proper English” like a drag race between an Aston Martin……….and a hamster on a skateboard.

There are so many to choose from. “Can I get…” has replaced “May I have…” when ordering in a restaurant. Estate agents are not called that any more; they are real estate agents and they don’t sell flats any more, only “apartments.”

Biscuits are now cookies, which would have my grandmother spinning in her grave. We don’t go to the cinema, we go to the movies and God help us……the loo has become the restroom. Bugger me……….is nothing sacred?

I’ve nothing against Americanisms when used by people called Hank Yankedoodle. It’s when people called William St John Smyth use them ………. it’s just wrong. But the battle is lost. It’s elevator not lift. It’s vacation not holiday and the way this is going it won’t be long until the Queen is saying “It is wonderful to meet y’all.”

There is one saying that gets the hairs on my ass (spelt incorrectly) standing on end and it happens on the ships to me all the time. And I can’t help myself. I know this is rude but it’s the one thing I just cannot stand and if someone asks me I have to give them the same answer. It usually goes something like this:

GUEST “Excuse me, do you know the best way to get to St Mark’s Square”

ME “Yes”

And then I just stand there……………..staring. I mean, the question was “Do I know the best way to get to St. Mark’s Square” Well…………….yes I do thanks.

If you had asked, “Can you tell me the best way to get to St Mark’s Square?” I would have answered yes, followed by an exactly how to do so. This used to be something only Americans and Canadians would say but now the Brits are doing it to. And it’s a shame.

Still, there’s one US word that we haven’t yet adopted and it’s the one that they use for “arse,” but which we use for something else entirely. Yes, when we start asking, “Does my fanny look big in this?” the empire will have fallen.

Time for today’s Q and A……….off we go.

Joe Garcia Asked:
Hello John:

Please Reply

I was about to book my first Carnival cruise many years and now I am really nervous to do so. The last time I cruised was with my parents on the old ship Celebration and I had a total blast. Now I am married with 2 kids and was thinking about going on the Paradise. We live in Orange County, California and this would be just great for us but I saw the reviews on Cruise Critic and now I am not sure what to do. Here is what folks are saying.

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=79317

It was while reading the Cruise Critic boards that I came across your blog and decided after reading it that you would be the best person to ask if this ship was the right choice for me and my family. Thank you for helping me.

Jose

I was trying to remember the name of the Cruise Director on the Celebration. He was a magician and had a lion on the ship and his show was the best.

John Says:
Hello Joe Garcia

Let me answer your last question first. The CD you are referring to is called Rand Woodbury and he did indeed have a cougar that lived onboard. His name was Geo and the show as you said was brilliant. Rand is no longer a CD but does his show (minus Geo, who has retired) on two of our ships. So, welcome back to Carnival and please remember one simple thing. If you were to go to the place on Cruise Critic where they store the reviews, you will find many, many more positive ones than negative. I didn’t read the links you sent me Joe and I want to be honest and tell you that. You see, these are based on opinions and the only opinion that matters is yours. I can tell you that you and your family will have the best of times if you go with an open mind and ready to let the crew serve and entertain you. So, read the negative ones, read all the positive ones and then decide.

Tell you what…………..has any other blog reader sailed on the Carnival Paradise recently and would like to say a few words for Joe? Please do if you are able. Have a great cruise Joe and my best wishes to you and the family.

John

Richmond Gal Asked:
please reply

My fiancé and I will be sailing the Legend out of Tampa for our Honeymoon in July. I can’t wait! He… well, he is having cruiser remorse. He’s starting to regret booking the trip because we have cruised together twice before. He feels like our honeymoon won’t be special enough because it will be like a repeat vacation. We will certainly be sitting front row for the Newly Wed / Not-so-Newly Wed Game (that is a souvenir not to be missed if we can make it on the show). We also have a balcony booked for the very first time. I’m looking for other ideas to make this his dream honeymoon. I basically begged to go on a cruise, and now I feel guilty because I think he is going to be disappointed. Any suggestions on how to make this trip different than the others??? So he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out or repeating the other vacations? Thanks in advance– and thank you for your wonderful blog!

John Says:
Hello Richmond Gal

Edible underwear, jello and handcuffs.

Best wishes
John

John Actually Says:
Hello Richmond Gal

Sorry……couldn’t resist the edible underwear joke. I bought Heidi a pair once but I ate them before I got home. Anyway…….I am sure that the staff will make this a honeymoon you will never ever forget. Please book a meal in the steakhouse and that night take a walk on the deck, under the stars and remind yourselves just how much you love each other. The balcony will be perfect for a morning cup of coffee and a late night glass of champagne which if you remind me two weeks before you sail I will send you and…..I can’t promise……….but if you remind me on my Facebook page 2 weeks before you sail I will do my best to get you in the newly wed game and send you a little something as well to help celebrate.

Best wishes to you both
John

Rochelle Phipps Asked:
Hi John,

Reply if you have time

I am a relatively recent reader of your blog. I came across your blog after going on the Carnival Glory last August here in NY. First let say that George was a great CD at first I was surprised at your openness in the blog because I am one of those with a Facebook page with very little info. However, over the past few months I have come to appreciate your candor and I have learned so much from your blogs. I am not a frequent cruiser, having only been on 5 cruises (all Carnival) since 1986 but your blogs have encouraged me to try and change that habit so that I can try out the many things I have learned on this blog from you and my fellow bloggers. I am now trying to get my family to go on the special 8 day Christmas cruise out of San Juan in Dec. And hopefully go to Alaska in 2012.

As a New Yorker, today’s blog about the meeting of the three ships made me feel real great about my city. As the historical person that I am, I spent some of my morning looking at some of your old blogs from the beginning and came across a Q&A from your Oct 11, 2007 blog that dealt with this today’s blog. Below is a copy of the post.

“GREG BALDASARRI – What a good question. What will the gifted people at Cunard do to top the soon to be launched magnificence that is Queen Victoria? Answer, I have no idea but it is going to be fun finding out. I wonder if this blog thingy will be around in 2010? Hope all is well with you mate and thanks as always for another great posting.” Oct 11, 2007.

Over three years later, we are past the year 2010 and Cunard has added a beautiful ship to their fleet and most importantly your blog is still around and going strong. Keep doing what you are doing, but make sure you take care of your family first. Hopefully 3 years from now, I will still be reading your blog and will have had the opportunity to have you as my cruise director.

Rochelle

John Says:
Hello Rochele Phipps

It is indeed very apt that the beards should send me your question to answer today as we have a special Cunard blog coming up in a moment. I am so very thankful to you for taking the time to read my daily musings. I realise that they are not for everyone but when people take the time to tell me how much they appreciate what I do…..well……..it certainly gives me the energy to continue to write each day. I hope that I will still be writing in years to come and that you will be there to read it. And I hope that you get to see Alaska next year and if there is anything I can do to help you please let me know. Best wishes to you and the family and thank you again for the kind words.

John

Jason Buckley Asked:
Hi John,

I am starting to read your blog more and more as I just booked my first ever cruise for April 3rd 2011 on the GLORY, and I decided to go all out with a suite (7329), since 1: its my first cruise, and 2: I am cruising for my birthday April 6th…you better Belize, that I will be in Belize on my birthday!!! Anyways, what I was hearing about was the “chef’s” table that is only offered one day a cruise for only 12-14 people. I have heard from different people I have spoken with 2 different things about booking this. First was from the awesome and nice lady named Heidi who I actually booked through, she said that I need to get a hold of you for the booking. Second, I keep getting a call from a guy named Theo, who says I can only book this once I board the ship…

Who is right? I am a chef by trade out here in the Bay Area California, and have eaten at many fine restaurants at the chefs table and I always absolutely love the experience, which means I really don’t want to miss this chance!!! I have heard it includes a behind the scene tour of the kitchen as well, which would be awesome to see, as I can only imagine what it is like to cook 24 hours a day for thousands of people! I hope that you can help with an advanced booking, and if you can, next time you are in the San Francisco California area, I can get you hooked up at my restaurant! Thanks for anything that you might be able to do in advanced!

I am so excited, only a little over 2 months to go!!! I hope I can get a response by you in that time!

Take care,
Jason Buckley

John Says:
Hello Jason Buckley

I am not sure who Theo is but it doesn’t matter as I am definitely able to get you a Chef’s Table spot for your cruise. This is an experience that you will truly enjoy and I hope that you can find a few moments to tell me all about it when you get home. It does include a tour of the galley while it is in operation so please let me take care of this for you and you will receive confirmation in a few days. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

Stephanie AKA Hockey Addict Asked:
Hi John!!(Please reply whenever you get time, no hurry at all!)

Well, our January cruise is officially over and of course we are super sad! I wanted to make sure you knew that ALL of the crew on the Carnival Fascination were fantastic, AGAIN. This was our 4th cruise on her and she is still perfect! ALL of the crew were super friendly and sweet! I wanted to let you know of some of your shining stars on the Carnival Fascination. Some of them we cruised with in October, and some new ones we haven’t met before.

Where to start…. that is the hard part. I guess I will start by saying this was kind of a cruise of firsts for hubby and I. This was the first cruise where we had a female CD, female Steward-ess and assistant Steward-ess, and a female assistant in the dining room!

Jen Baxter…. WOW… I was reading some of the things that were said on Cruise Critic. I of course went with an open mind! I loved Jen. She was very friendly, energetic, funny, sweet and would stop and talk to you any time! It would be my pleasure to sail with her anytime! She is a true gem!

Our Steward-ess’… I know I am going to mess up the spelling of their names but I will try…. Oksana and Alana were super sweethearts. I have never had a monkey towel animal and hubby had gone to Oksana without me knowing and told her that I have never had one and that I really wanted one. One night she made my monkey, AND she also made the frog and a puppy. (the smaller version of the dog) OK so I am a kid at heart and LOVE the towel animals. I screamed so loud when I saw them, I could have sworn that she would hear me all the way down in her cabin! The next morning after breakfast we ran up to our room to drop off our cameras and there was a kitten towel animal! I’ve never had one made for me during the middle of the day and it took me by surprise! This time Oksana was in the hall and I think she heard me scream! She just giggled at me when I went to thank her. Little things like this make me happy and smile…. and both of them put a smile on our faces the whole cruise! I think they spoiled us…. ok, I know they did! They took perfect care of us and I hope we get to see them again one day!

When we first stepped onto the Lido deck at embarkation I told hubby and the other couple that we were sailing with that I had to look for “Ninja”. Ninja is a bar waiter from Indonesia that we sailed with in October. He took such good care of us. When I saw Ninja standing on the Lido deck talking to a group of people I was so excited. I was very happy to see him and I knew that we would have some fun with him on board again with us! Ninja’s birth name is I Nengah. I don’t know how we started calling him Ninja in October but it stuck…. I guess when I looked at his name tag the first time with all of those Fun Ship Specials running through my veins, that is what I saw! He is super funny and friendly and he deserves acknowledgment for running around that Lido deck, making us laugh, and being super sweet!

Amy from Mexico City…. well, that’s what we call her… it’s a long story so I won’t get into it or bore you…. When I walked into the Passage to India bar the first night and saw her in there I walked up to her and asked if she was Amy from Mexico City, she looked at me and got a big grin on her face…. she said… oh my gosh!! Gave me a big hug and she said she was happy to see me. In October she was our Bar waitress in the dining room that always had our drinks waiting for us. She remembered us and we went and talked to her a couple times during the cruise. Her real name is Alny and she is from Thailand. She had one more 4 day cruise before she went home. Her next contract is on the Carnival Splendor. I told her that she is lucky that she is going there and that I thought it was a compliment to her because Carnival seems like they are getting a lot of good people lined up to go there. She blushed and thanked me. She is so easy to talk with and a true sweetheart. I also sailed with Felipe in the past and LOVE him too!

We got really lucky and got to get off of the ship in Half Moon Cay. The crew had told us that they have been unable to tender guests for the past 2 months due to bad seas. In October there was a thunderstorm so we missed it and had a day at Freeport instead. We’ve been there 3 times now and we will never get tired of it! We rented the Cabana and it was worth every penny. The new bar that they added to the beach is really cool. I just hope they don’t add too much more…. I think what is there now is perfect!

I can not forget our fabulous dining room staff and Maitre D’. It’s had for me to admit that I can’t remember his name. I always remember stuff like that. I guess I am getting old! His theme song is 007… you know who that is, right?!?! Just kidding… anyway…. he was all over that dining room every night talking to all of the guest’s. He was the first Maitre D’ that I have seen that got up and danced with all of us. Very professional and fun! (Sensation dining room)

Anytime Dining. This was the first time that we have chosen Anytime Dining and we will always choose this from now on. It’s perfect for us. I am so glad that Carnival added this! And of course the food was excellent every meal in the dining room, Lido and those early morning BLT’s from room service!

The first night when we went to the dining room we had asked for a table for four. (2 couples) We were told it would be a short wait and they gave us one of the beeper thingy’s that could be used anywhere on the ship except our rooms. About 10 minutes later the beeper thingy went off and we headed to the dining room. There we met our 3 servers. Tri, our head waiter, Antonius our Team waiter and Ni Made our Assistant waiter. I asked Tri if all 3 of them were going to be taking care of us and he said yes…. I soon saw why…. they have quite a few tables to take care of at the same time and Tri needed the help of Ni Made and Antonius. Let me tell you, these 3 are the BEST. They are another perfect example of why we love Carnival and will never go to another cruise line. They made our dining room experience so memorable and I will never forget them. After the first night in there we asked for them every night. We didn’t care if we had to wait 2 hours. We had to have them serve us. I couldn’t say enough nice things about them. Ni Made even got me to get up and dance with her! That doesn’t happen much! And of course…. I teared up like a baby saying goodbye. =(

Eli was our Assistant CD. He hosted the comedy club, I think you call it something else now, and was very funny. He also was in the Liar’s club. All 5 of the crew members that participated in the Liar’s club was fantastic. We laughed the hardest during this show then any of the comedian’s! I wish I could remember all of their names, there goes that old age setting in again!

That is all that I can think of for now…. if I think of anything else I will pop you a note on Facebook. PLEASE forward all of these people to Carnival for me. I haven’t gotten an online comment card via email and really want them to know that all of the crew were perfect and the ones I mentioned above are true stars in your Carnival family.

Thank you for being here for all of us to answer our 1,000,000,000,001 questions. I appreciate you, and I know so many others do too!

Wishing you, Heidi and Kye all the best!!

I hope this wasn’t too long!

Steph

P.S. We am still wanting to sail with you. We have to see where you will be late 2011!

Oh! I almost forgot! Don’t be upset that you wrote what you did about your late night phone call! (I saw on FB that you were feeling bad about writing it) That was uncalled for! They should have never done that in my opinion! That’s crazy!!! Some people just think they are special I guess!

John Says:
Hello Stephanie AKA Hockey Addict

Brilliant! What an absolutely brilliant review. Let me start by saying a huge thank you for sitting down to write this. I know it must have taken a long time to do so but we all appreciate you telling us about your cruise. I want to say a big thank you for telling me about Jen Baxter. I am very happy to read that you found her to be an excellent CD. The crew you mentioned are the shining example of what our crew are all about and each and everyone you mentioned will all receive a copy of this via the hotel director and the Fantasy class vice president and that I can tell you will make their day. I hope we get to sail together one day soon and I thank you for your loyalty to Carnival and your kind words of support for me and the blog. It was as I said a brilliant review. Best wishes to you and yours.

John

Seth C Asked:
John,

I have to tell you how sick to the stomach I am of you sending free gifts to people on demand. I am a Platinum cruiser and why have I spent thousands of dollars on cruises when all someone has to do to get a table with the Chef, fruit baskets and other gifts is to tell you that its their anniversary etc and you send them whatever they want. It is not fair and I GUARANTEE other Platinum passengers will agree. REPLY TO THIS PLEASE

Guarantee

John Says:
Hello Seth C

Let me say first of all a big thank you for your loyalty for Carnival and congratulate you on your Platinum status. I hope you are enjoying all the benefits this brings. I am sorry though that I have to say how me sending someone a bottle of champagne or a few apples to someone to help celebrate a special occasion hurts or affects you? I try to help as many people as I can and if you were to ask I would be honoured to help you as well. I can assure you that nobody gets a free place at The Chef’s Table from me though. I hope we get to sail together one day soon and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes
John

Helen Asked:
Hi John

I have a question for you… for all of us that are not American citizens, (Aliens) disembarking in Miami is a breeze, fill out the form on board, go to a separate line to clear customs but my concern is Tampa, I have booked Legend and thinking of cancelling and leaving out of Miami instead for the following reason. I have been told that on the last day of the cruise I will have to show up at 6 30 in morning to clear customs while on the ship in the likes of the theatre. Why is that we can not get through USA customs like we do in Miami? It makes our last day of the cruise very long, considering most of have a very long trip to get home. IE last cruise I was off the ship by 9:45 in morning and arrived back in Canada and to our home at 8:30 at night. Can not anything be done to ease clearing customs in Tampa? I know customs is not a Carnival job but can Carnival work with them to come up with something better?

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Helen

I am sorry to say but Carnival has no control at all as to how our guests are processed through United States Customs and Border Protection. They decide when and how and it is different in each home port but non US citizens do not have to disembark any earlier than others. You will be called off by your tag or zone number which you will receive from your stateroom steward on the last day of the cruise. Please don’t worry. It’s going to be a long morning of travelling regardless but the Carnival Legend is a magnificent ship and she will give you so many memories to look back on during the journey home.

Have a wonderful cruise

Best wishes
John

Paul S Asked:
John Please reply

My wife and me will be with you on the Magic in July and are trying to decide what tour to take in Dubrovnik. I am thinking about the country home tour in Konavle. Have you done this and is it any good. Thanks so much

Paul and Terri

John Says:
Hello Paul S

Ahhhh the Country Home Tour in Knovale. This was always one of Heidi and my favourite tours………anywhere. It is a pure example of how they used to live and how they live now ….. and you will see that there is very little difference. The home is situated deep in the heart of the Croatian countryside and has seen five generations live there. They have seen good times and bad times and the bedtimes of course meaning the early 90s when civil war saw many thousands perish. The family were forced to run to the hills and the Bosnian forces actually overtook their home and it was only when the war ended that they were able to return. The family are virtually self sufficient as they have always been and they will show you how they grow their own vegetables and still use donkey power to press the olive oil that is made there.

After a tour of the countryside and gardens and the house itself you will sit down as a family and enjoy a traditional Croatian lunch remembering everything…and I mean everything is grown or raised right there. The family is also musicians and…..… well ……. actually ……hold on ……. I am going to stop there because I don’t want to spoil the surprises. Let me just say this ……….. you will never forget this trip and the families’ amazing hospitality. It is so nice to offer to bring a gift but it really is not needed. Just the fact that you are visiting them and of course the money they take from us when you buy the excursion is more than thank you enough. Take a photo with them or just shake their hand. They have been through so much yet as you will see…….they are a family united ……….and oh yes………watch out for grandma and her bottle of potato vodka!

See you soon

Best wishes to you both
John

Carnival Platinum Cruiser Asked:
John,

Reply:

One subject which I read on Cruise Critic all the time is the desire among Platinum cruisers for a “Platinum Past Guest Party” – or similar get together. Royal Caribbean and Celebrity do one so why not Carnival? It seems that Platinum rewards compared to other lines are poor. Look what CC members said when I asked

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1309742&highlight=brandonlees

We would all be interested to read your reply and defence!!!! Probably though like all my posts you will ignore it and instead to continue to bask in the glory your pathetic cheerleaders give you.

John Says:
Hello Carnival Platinum Cruiser

I will start by saying that once again, I didn’t read the link. I can’t talk about other cruise lines and what they do but I can say that I agree that we should absolutely hold a separate past guest party for our Platinum and Milestone guests and I continue to promote this idea to the senior beards. Let’s see what happens when the loyalty program changes are announced. I wish this would be soon because I have been talking about this for far too long now. Anyway, I would love to discuss this more with you but I am off to so some basking…………naked. Best wishes and thanks again for your loyalty

John

Alison D Asked:
Hi John,

Please reply.

This is rather a strange request but if anyone can help with it you can. I want to propose to my girlfriend. Yes, I am a girl too and that’s my dilemma. You see my partner has always wanted a romantic proposal and I thought that while we are on the Dream I would make her Dream so to say come true.

My question is that if I was to ask you to help me arrange this during a show or on a stage in front of the rest of the passengers, could you and as important do you think that the rest of the passengers would be uncomfortable. We live in Orlando and two lesbians walking the street hand in hand is nothing unusual but I am not so naive to think that this is accepted everywhere. So I am in your hands Mr John. We cruised with you on the Legend and were part of the Goth group which I am SURE you will remember. We cruise in August and I know I am way ahead of myself here but I have read that you are months behind on answering your questions so I thought it best to write now.

Thank you so much

Alison

John Says:
Hello Alison D

Well I certainly do remember the Goth cruise, especially the man that had wings, black eye balls, sharpened front teeth and his wife who had no problems showing the rest of the ship her 2 new purchases………..if you know what I mean.

I would be happy to help you arrange a public proposal during or just before a show. Maybe elegant night would be good and if this is something you are interested in please let me know.

As for if this would upset anyone. I will admit it would be a first for me but I honestly don’t think it would upset anyone so let’s move forward with this shall we? Please let me know if you wish me to start arrangements. Best wishes to you both

John

That’s all for today. Let’s take a break and this week all the cruise line presidents are gathered at recently renamed Cruise Shipping Miami Convention — it will always be Seatrade to me — for the annual pretend we like each other festival. One of those there is Cunard’s President and our man in London Mr. Peter Shanks. Here is his latest blog written just for us and I know as always that you will enjoy and appreciate his passionate writing.

Here then is Peter.

Queen Mary 2 at her best…

I do so much enjoy spending time on Queen Mary 2. Over recent months understandably many of us at Cunard Line have been nurturing Queen Elizabeth into her new career at sea. Spending time back on Queen Mary 2 has firmly reminded me of just how special she is. I joined in Sydney, and I have already written about the very special Service we had onboard for Australian Veterans. Leaving Sydney we sailed to New Zealand, spending a day in Wellington and I write this as the sun sets and we will arrive in Auckland in the morning. I have just snapped the view from my balcony;

This leg of the voyage has become especially poignant following the tragic events in Christchurch. We were meant to sail into Christchurch but had to go to Wellington instead. There was a lot of compassion onboard for Christchurch and rightly so. Whilst I was discussing with the Hotel Manager how we should start a collection for the Relief Appeal, one of the reception team came into the office to say that a guest was asking how they could donate to the appeal. So we were at one with our guests and we have since been collecting. On arrival into Wellington, and unbeknown to me , our Food and Beverage Team unloaded 5,000 bottles of water, and through the Port Agent arranged for it to be collected by HMS Canterbury of the New Zealand to be taken down to Christchurch. I say unbeknown to me — I was aware we were looking at doing something — but the F+B Team know me well enough that they did not have to ask.

What a lovely city Wellington is. It was a Sunday and many people were out on the beautiful harbor front. I took the shuttle bus into town and sat down over a coffee with the local paper and read of the distressing events in Christchurch. I have always admired New Zealanders — I hate to admit it but they are very good at Rugby and for a nation so far away from everywhere — they are very resilient and very successful. As we sailed out of Wellington there was a full rainbow to the port side of Queen Mary 2 — and I had a strange sense of the power of nature, nature that can deliver tragic consequences through earthquakes and at the same time reveal its true beauty.

I had two reasons for being on Queen Mary 2 — not that I normally need reasons. Firstly to spend time with our guests and the Ship’s Company and secondly to walk every area of the ship in preparation for the refit we have coming up in November of this year. And over the last few days I have been reminded of many of the special things about Queen Mary — and I thought I should share them with you. So, in no particular order, here come of the special things about Queen Mary 2 that I have witnessed over the last few days…

Secret of the Library — Up on deck 8 forward you will find our Bookshop and Library with over 16,000 books in many languages. I came across a delightful Australian couple who had found the secret — four white leather chairs and sofas that have a panoramic view over the bow of Queen Mary 2 — they looked so happy, so relaxed – and told me so — marvelous.

Jazz — Walking past the refurbished Chart Room, a classy jazz quartet playing, dancing, laughter, clink of champagne glasses — a wonderful night out to match any jazz venue.

Hosting the Captain’s Table — I will let you in to a secret. I think the Senior Officers like me to host a table as it gives them a night off — and why not. I had a lovely table, delightful guests from around the world. Not many of us are lucky enough to sit in that seat, with three decks above us, surrounded by guests in black tie having a wonderful dinner. Let’s not forget just how awesome the Britannia Restaurant is on Queen Mary 2. It does not recreate how it used to be on ocean liners of the past — it is how it used to be only much, much better — it is the real thing and no other ship comes close (although her little sisters Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth are pretty cool too).

Lunch in the crew mess — I will always eat in the crew mess once when I visit the ships. Gives me a chance to be seen out and about, ask how things are and of course make sure that our crew is happy with their food. I think they are — there have been some real efforts by Chef and his team recently to add variety. Sometimes I will have the ‘sticky rice and salty beef, or ‘fried chicken’ – but this time I went down the European line and had Cottage Pie – it was fine.

Canyon Ranch — well it was a Sunday so I was allowed some time off. Six times round the deck (two miles) — and then time in the amazing Canyon Ranch indoor pools, Jacuzzis and steam rooms. I find that so relaxing and it is always good to experience just how good the Canyon Ranch Spa is. When you go into the shower, one of the team will rinse out and dry your trunks and when you approach your locker, miraculously a towel is laid out on the floor for you to stand on as you get dried and changed — nice touch.

Boy, are the deck areas in great shape — you see Queen Mary 2 is a proper Ocean Liner. When you walk around all the deck areas — you walk on real teak and you pass brightly painted white steel. Despite now being 7 years old — I would argue the external areas of Queen Mary are in better shape than any ship at sea — and that is a credit to every member of the deck team. I asked Deputy Captain to briefly gather every member of the Deck Team the next morning — along with their supervising officers. I thanked them and shook each of their hands. In doing so I told them they should be proud keeping the most famous ship in the world in such great shape.

Regular coffee fixes — Coffee has moved on so much these days and on the ship Sir Samuels now offers proper coffee — either in a lovely china cup or in my case in a take away cup. No matter which way you take it — it is always served with a smile.

Queens Room — Picture the scene — 1,000 guests in formal dress, champagne all round, canapés and classical music. Commodore Warner introduces his Senior Officers and tells his joke (I have suggested he develops a 2^nd joke but the one he has seems to work every time). I was able to say a few words of welcome. As I always do — I asked our guests to applaud our White Star Ship’s Company. I mentioned that we were — for our Ship’s Company — going the wrong way around the world with the clocks going back in time. So far we have lost 18 hours and 18 hours of sleep for our hard working staff. Good for our guests — they responded with warm applause for the staff — and the good news is that now we have reached New Zealand (which by the way is bloody miles from everywhere) — the clocks will start to go back the other way and they will get some extra rest.

It’s Sunday — so let’s go to Church — Commodore led a very nice service and the Theatre was quite full. Our thoughts were with those in New Zealand as we sailed along their shores, I read the lesson and it was a moving occasion — and we always feel better for a little prayer. Going to church on Sunday is something many people do and it’s rather nice to do so on Queen Mary 2 on a Sunday — and if you like you then go on to have a rather nice Sunday lunch — a perfect day.

Standing room only — we have recently started to give computer lessons on how to use Apple Macs, iPads and iPhones. I popped down to see it — and was surprised to see every computer station full and many standing at the back of class. We are going to extend the area used for this. When you think of it — technology can be daunting. So to have the time and ability at sea to go to lessons is a great way of learning. The ship also now has Wi-Fi service and full internet access so once you have mastered it you can try it for real. I wonder just how many emails have been sent that start with the words ‘I am sending this email from Queen Mary 2 in the Pacific Ocean….’ We are all so used to fast internet access at home and at work we do have to remind guests that as we are in the middle of an ocean and at the mercy of satellites — they need a little more patience than usual.

I had forgotten about Tom Hanks — Well who else would you get to narrate the Planetarium shows. They are a fairly short 20 minutes — but to sit in a full size planetarium whist at sea listening to Tom Hanks tell you about outer space is something that has to be done.

We turned out the lights and — I spotted in the daily program that our Astronomer Lecturer was going to describe the night sky up on deck 13 at 2200 hours. So there were about 200 of us, it was a clear night; we were sailing about 25 miles off the New Zealand coast. The astronomer had a neat little green laser gun. As we waited for the deck lights to go off — we were not sure what we might see. When the lights went off — there was an audible gasp. We often talk of how Cunard delivers unique experiences — well I had happened across one of those moments. The night sky was incredible — I have never seen so many stars. The Milky Way stood out so clearly, we were asked to look at one star and it was clearly a bright red color — I have never seen the color of a star before. Then — to some surprise — the astronomer let out a shriek. He had seen a far away galaxy with the naked eye for the first time. We could all see it as a distant cloud — he told us the name which seemed to use every letter in the alphabet at least twice — and his evening was made. I stood back from the gathering — and made a note to remind as many people as I can as to the many special experiences on this fine ship.

Knackered and Proud — On arrival in Auckland, and after taking our 700 plus Full World Voyagers out for a special dinner, my time on Queen Mary 2 was over and ahead of me was a 27 hour journey back to Southampton. I had a really clear idea of what work we need to undertake in our November refit , I had really enjoyed spending time with so many of the ship’s company and of course meeting so many of our guests. But overall I had two overwhelming feelings. The first was one of being ‘knackered’ (British technical term for being rather tired). I had been away for Two weeks, Two Ship Visits, Two Queens in Sydney, Two World Voyage Dinners and One Earthquake. The other feeling was one of pride — pride in everything that the ship’s company on Queen Elizabeth and Queen Mary 2 were doing to look after our guests. And if you would like to experience some of that pride, and some of those special moments — then please do come and sail with us — they happen every day, 365 days a year………….

 

Best Regards,

Peter Shanks
President and Managing Director
Cunard Line

Those planetarium shows sound so brilliant and having Tom Hanks voice those shows is quite an achievement. I never fail to appreciate how marvellous it is to have the president of the world’s most famous ocean liner company write just for our blog thingy and each time he does ………..we all get to feel what it’s like to experience a Cunard voyage. Thanks Peter.

Yesterday I posted a question on Facebook that asked a simple question. Why do you choose to sail with Carnival? Well 381 people replied instantly and here is what they said:

http://www.facebook.com/JohnHeald#!/JohnHeald/posts/185209044854998

Fantastic answers and it is obvious that for many it is the value…….pure and simple…… what you pay and what you get is excellent. The comfort level is also important as well because when you pay for the cruise you know exactly what you are going to get. Included in the price are amazing food with more variety than ever before, the highest level of friendly and fun service, shows, activities and music from the wee small hours to the ummmmm…..wee small hours ….. towel animals on your bed, no cleaning, no cooking, relaxation, swimming, fun, and more fun.

I guess that’s why chain restaurants are so popular for tourists in foreign lands…….whether you walk into one in Moscow or Manila you know that your Big Mac will taste exactly the same…… unless of course you are in Korea when that funny taste may be because you are eating a McSpaniel.

As I said, that’s what I love about Carnival. You know what the extras are ….. drinks ……… shore excursions…..spa etc. But that’s not the same with other things in life. It’s because companies have made it so impossible to find out the actual cost of their sodding products. Honestly, unless you have a beard and like math……..you are buggered.

Let me explain. Heidi called me and told me that our internet provider which is British Telecom has told us our contract is up for renewal and sent a whole menu of new…….. ummmm …… broadband thingies.

In ancient times, you didn’t have to worry about broadband because it didn’t exist. But then it did exist, so you had to phone one of about two internet service providers who offered simple contracts at a fixed monthly rate. When they answered they were in the UK not Bombay and all you had to say was “Hello, I’d like the internet to be put into my computer,” and they’d say “Fine, that will cost $30 a month.” And they’d put the internet in your computer and you could start booking a cruise, book a cruise, see videos of Charlie Sheen waving a machete around and Latvian women lying naked on the deck of a billionaire’s yacht.

Now, it’s sodding impossible to work out how much anything costs. British Telecom is now offering Heidi and I broadband for £18 a month. That’s $30 in Uncle Sam money. “Woo hoo” as my friend Mr. Bentley would say………..oh, but hold on…….. because that’s only for the first six months. It then goes up to £28 pounds a month which is $42 and I should point out that it mentions this in a significantly smaller and less colourful font. Oh and right at the bottom in words that are smaller than my thingy…………and that is really small…………it tells you that you’re locked in to an 18 month contract. That means the average cost is £27. So why not just say that…………you utter bastards.

This trend has spread to cell phone contracts and has mutated. You now require a crystal ball, several weeks of spare time and the mind of Professor Stephen Hawking to work out which deal is right for you.

I saw a commercial recently where one provider has resorted to animals in their TV commercials to show you the way. If you want unlimited texts, you’re a dolphin (even though dolphins don’t have thumbs). Beavers, as we know, enjoy unlimited calls to landlines and if you go for the premium package of unlimited everything, you get to be a grizzly bear……..what a load of bollocks.

But how am I supposed to know whether I’ll need 500 texts a month? Or 350 anytime minutes? And then, there’s another worrying thingy, you get more minutes/texts/haemorrhoids if you sign up for a longer contract. Twenty dolphins get 75 texts on a 12-month contract but 300 on 24 months. Is that good? Is that even English? And if it is, will I need 300 texts a month in two years’ time? Will we still be texting in two years? Will cell phones and raspberrys exist or will we all them implanted in our arses and have rolls of toilet paper shoved up there in case someone sends us a fax?

I’m obviously taking this to the extreme but it’s only a matter of time before you won’t be able to read this blog thingy on a daily basis. Eric the Beard will give it to you free for three weeks, then it will be $10 a hit for a month, after which he will send you a John Heald bobble head if you send us photo of you naked…….. but only if you don’t have a beard ………and it’s a Thursday. Of course, I am kidding. I would never let this happen…….but you get my point.

We are not like this at Carnival……….that is………….ummmmm…….unless you buy the early saver thingy which I can’t seem to grasp case and feel as confused as baby in a topless bar. Honestly, every time I get asked a question about this I get a new wrinkle as I worry about how to answer it. It’s obviously a massively popular program but my understanding of it is equal to bugger all. I have so many wrinkles now that these days………… my face looks like an elephant’s scrotum.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

P.S. Here are the Fun Times for today, for both your Carnival Dream and your Carnival Splendor! —Everett

My sister has also has never forgiven me for the time I urged her to drink a glass of “strawberry juice,” only for her to discover it was blood drained from raw meat lurking in the family fridge. And my Mum still remembers the time I stuck bubble gum in her hair which had to be cut out.

Then there was the time when she was 15 and a boyfriend came to collect her. I told him she had been rushed into hospital because she had explosive diarrhea and was covered in spots and the doctors thought it was a rare tropical disease……..she was actually upstairs getting ready…… and we never saw him again…. good ……. because he wore leg warmers, had green highlights in his hair and was certainly far too comfortable with his feminine side. Anyone with brothers and sisters will have intense memories of sibling crimes committed against them.

Anyway, the reason I mention my sister this morning is because she is also an animal lover and believes all animals should be cuddled and given names like Fletch and Mr Poppy. Suedrip has just bought two white German shepherd puppies and if you like fluffy crapping machines then I guess you could say they are “cute.”

I had not seen the latest additions to her family until I returned from New York and when I did Suedrip looked rather nervous because I guess she was remembering her cat…. Silky…… and the hell I used to put the poor thing through. Now in my defence I did what I did based on the fact that with everyone else Silky was a purring, affectionate pussycat but around me she became quite simply the cat from hell whose sole purpose in life was to scratch me, bite me and piss on my shoes.

Well one day after a stealth attack that left me with claw marks down the side of my face I decided it was time for action. I was 15 at the time and addicted to two things one of which I cant write except to say that it’s bollocks……you don’t go blind…….the other thing was something called Space Dust. Now I know you have or had this in the States and Canada but for the life of me I can’t remember what you call it there. Basically this is candy that explodes in your mouth …………..what do you call it?

Anyway, Silky had scarred me for the last time so off I went to the sweet shop (candy store) and bought 10 packets of Space Dust.

Now the tofu eaters are getting ready to write and tell me what a bastard I am, thinking of course that I fed the candy to Silky. This would have been of course cruel. No……I didn’t feed it to Silky but instead sprinkled all 10 packets in her litter basket. In she went to do her toilet stuff and of course as soon as she did 10 packets of space dust exploded under her. She screamed, ran out of the basket, and through the cat flap and it was many many hours before she ventured into the house again.

For some reason, as I stood admiring Suedrips two new puppies I decided to tell Suedrip this story for the first ever time and she seemed to take it quite well and after all I thought, she is a professional middle aged woman, a successful banker and businesswoman who has held down a very important job and raised a beautiful family……..what could she possibly do?

This morning I found out that this thinking was a bit flawed. Because I had been ill I had not been out in my car for five days but this morning I ventured out for the first time to go get a newspaper and a repeat prescription for my sugar-free cough medicine. As soon as I got into the car my nose turned up at what was a disgusting putrid smell. Thinking it was probably because the car had been shut and not driven for sometime I set off to the shops but by the end of the road and with the window open the smell was overpowering. So I pulled over to investigate and it didn’t take long to find the source……….because there nestling in the foot well of the back seats was a white German Shepherd puppies dog turd…………with a ribbon round it……..on which was a gift card that simply read “with love from Silky.”

Time for today’s Q and A………off we go.

Thomas Rossini Asked:
Please Reply

Good Evening …

John… I feel as if I know you like a brother. What you have done for your fellow employees and passengers is more than anyone can hope for. I will be travelling on the carnival dream on Feb 19, 2011. I was checking to see if the CD schedule was out for that time of year but it is not. I do hope that you are the CD on that cruise as I would like to buy you a beer / champagne, buy you some new XXL thongs / Speedos and have a cigar while we sit in the Thalasso Spa and watch latvianwomanpart2… oh wait you have some pull… we can watch it on the pool side theatre Screen. But in all seriousness, if you are on the cruise I will be in cabin 11230 and would love to shake your hand and buy you a beverage and have you join us at the Chef’s table my treat.

John Says:
Hello Thomas Rossini

Once again this post is a prime example of how ridiculously behind I am in my replies. As you will have seen by now the cruise director schedule is out and you will therefore have also seen that the cruise director for your Carnival Dream cruise will be the only and only Butch whom I know you will truly enjoy. It really would have been wonderful if we could have been together though and thank you so much for your kind words. I hope that one day this will happen and we can sit and have a cigar and talk about our love of cruising and Latvians. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

BrendaAgain Asked:
John, could you please reply if you have time?

I have a couple of things to mention,

1.) I don’t mind if people wish me Happy Holidays, Hanukah, Ramadan, Christmas, Arbor Day or whatever. If someone gives me best wishes on the holiday of their choice, I would not be insulted if it were not MY chosen holiday. It basically says to me that no matter what kind of heathen I may be, they hope I will have a blessed day in spite of it. I’m OK with that.

2.) Could you please discuss how it is that you know so much about animal scrotums? You mention their smell fairly often, and I can honestly say I am having trouble figuring out why skunks, elephants, etc, would let you get close enough to study their scrotal aroma. Perhaps you went to a zoo that had a Scratch-n-Sniff feature in the visitors guide?

Cheers,
Brenda Again

John Says:
Hello Brenda Again

It is interesting that you should write about what the crew say at Christmas time to the guests because I discussed this from my bed of sickness via e-mail with the Miami office yesterday. The reports are that the crew saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays was met with little concern. The CD of the Carnival Valor reported that they received just three negative comments from guests about the fact that the word Christmas was used and all three of those comments also featured concerns about Christmas music and the festive decorations. So overall I think we have a good balance and thanks so much for your support. Now as for my love of bottoms both animal and human……..I think quite simply………………I need help.

Thanks for the great post

Best wishes
John

Danny Stout Asked:
Hello John,

Please Reply — When you have time…..

First and foremost, I’m so happy that you are at home with your girls after your Splendorous adventure. It’s truly amazing what you and your team were able to do given the limitations. A truly amazing feat – congratulations to you all…and Carnival too. I’ve been regaling my nephew with tales of how food for 3000+ people was brought several stories up every day by the people working on the ship. I think he’s even more amazed to be going now than he was about a month ago.

I had written a few months ago about our upcoming time on the Liberty, sailing January 29th out of Miami. You said to email you back and that you might have a special treat for Anthony as he prepares for his first cruise and first flight. (It’s amazing that Kye is already a seasoned traveler!) Anthony is 14 and is a bit nervous about CircleC, but excited all the same. If it’s not too much to ask, me, my partner and my nephew would be most grateful if you could shoot an email to the Maitre’D on the Liberty to see if we could get a table for 4 by a window. (Booking ______, Cabin 7322 — our first suite!) We’ll show him (or her) our appreciation in the customary way. And thanks about the idea for baseball caps for treats. We’re going to get a TU (Tulsa University) hat for our Steward. (It cracks me up with people call them Stewarts. Ha!

I wanted to ask a question about practical jokes on the ships. I’ve recently been watching Ellen (the talk show host – I know you probably don’t get to watch too much TV) playing practical jokes on her guests. She scared poor Taylor Swift so bad she fell down! Well, I could sneeze and knock her down, but it was so funny I almost wet myself. It got me to thinking, what kind of practical jokes you might have been a party to on your 20+ tours on Carnival ships. Do you have any you can share?

Thanks again for all you do. I know you have a million and one things to do, and it’s much appreciated that you take valuable time out of your schedule to help those of us with special requests. It’s truly a Carnival personal touch. (This’ll be my third Carnival cruise, and I don’t ever see myself going anywhere else. Unless I win the lottery, then I might buy some space on the Residensea

Warmest Regards,
Danny Stout

John Says:
Hello Danny Stout

Thank you so much for mentioning the great job both the shipboard and shoreside personnel did with the Carnival Splendor fire and the way they looked after the guests. Please tell Anthony not to worry and that he will have the most fun he has ever had. He will make some fantastic new friends while you all relax and have fun yourself safe in the knowledge that he is having a great time. I will certainly send Anthony a little something and have asked my friends the maitre ds to do their best with your table reservation request. The ships are indeed a breeding ground for practical jokes and I will be happy to share some with you over the next few days so please keep an eye out for that. I know you will all have a brilliant time and I hope you will tell me all about it when you get home. Best wishes to you and all the family

John

Rhonda Asked:
Dear John (please respond)

I am sorry it has taken me so long to pass on a heartfelt thank-you to a Carnival Freedom crew member but I really could not let it pass. On Oct 3, 2010 we sailed the Freedom. My Sister and her Son and I paid for the behind the scenes tour with Kimberly as our guide. What an interesting time we had! The tour was wonderful, and Kimberly was so knowledgeable. As we entered the bridge the entire group was awestruck. I made the comment to Kimberly that my 18yo son, who could not take the tour as he has Aspersers and uses a wheelchair for cerebral palsy, would have really loved seeing the bridge. Wouldn’t you know that a few hours later I received a call from Kimberly that the Captain had invited my son for a personal tour of the bridge! Kimberly escorted us there and even had the ships photographer on had to capture his absolute wonder. The Captain and all the bridge crew introduced themselves and gave Kris the grand tour. What a wonderful group of people. Can you please send Kimberly my heartfelt thanks and make sure the suits at Carnival know what a gem they have on the Freedom. Thank you. Rhonda

John Says:
Hello Rhonda

I wanted to take the time to say a huge thank you for letting me know about this brilliant example of just why the Carnival crew are quite simply the best in the business. I will make sure that Kimberly sees your words of praise as will the captain and the beards in Miami. Thank you once again and best wishes to you all

John

Carolyn Asked:
Please, please reply

John, I’ve been reading all your blogs for the last week about the Splendor and thinking about how many ships you must have been on in all your years with Carnival, lots…. Anyhow, my husband and I had our first cruise on the Fascination 2 years ago. We are both 62, don’t ask me why we waited this long to do a cruise, we love them and can’t get enough of it. We have now done 4 in 2 years and our 5th one is on the Splendor Feb. 6th, hopefully you will still be there. However, my questions is this. On our first cruise we had the most remarkable wait staff we have ever had. Our head person’s name was Mel. I still remember every dinner and how we looked forward to our time in the dining room with him, we wanted for nothing. I know that Carnival employees thousands of people and you probably don’t know half of them, but if you know “Mel” and if you know what ship he is now on I would really appreciate the information. I would book a cruise on that ship just to have him take care of us at dinner again. While our wait staff after that cruise has been outstanding, no one was like Mel and we would really like to see him again. Longshot I know, but do you know if he’s still on the Fascination or another ship now?

John Says:
Hello Carolyn

I am glad that you have found the time to read the blogs and the time to post as well. I had this comment in my in box for a few days because I had to ask personal to investigate your search for Mel because without a last name it is very difficult. In fact they have drawn a blank because the thinking is that Mel was probably a shortened name. However, they did find a Melaranie who is from the Philippines. He was on the Carnival Fascination at that time and if this rings a bell I can tell you that he is currently a team headwaiter on the Carnival Elation. I hope this helps and if you have any other information that you think could help confirm that this is the chap you are looking for please let me know. I hope we see you both again soon on another Carnival cruise.

Best wishes
John

G and E Crouch Asked:
JOHN –  REPLY

I am so angry having read today’s forum about smoking because as a smoker yourself you have taken the side of the passengers that smoke. This is both unprofessional and you deserve a reprimand at the least for doing so and I have written to Gerry Cahill telling him so.

If smokers want to cruise why doesn’t Carnival give them one of the older ships so they can all cruise together and give each other cancer? The fact that you as a Carnival employee support smoking onboard is disgusting. We cruised on the Fascination in November and it was three days of which we were had to put up with hundreds of rude smokers blowing poison in our faces. Smoking is for people with no control, no caring for themselves and others. How can you support this? I will be taking action and won’t be on your boats again until smoking is banned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Garath Crouch

John Says:
Hello G and E Crouch

I am so very sorry that you are so upset by the issue of smoking. In my defence I truly do not believe that I have “taken the side of smokers” but have in fact written many times that I support the current policy that has limited smoking facilities onboard and have gone one further than the current policy by saying that it is my opinion that smoking should probably not be allowed inside the cabins with the exception of the balconies. Although smoking policies continue to be updated, at the moment there are no plans to change the smoking policies on board and overall I think we have a middle ground that has allowed us to make both non smokers and smokers reasonably happy. It is though a challenge and one that will spur more and more robust comment in the future for sure.

I hope you had a brilliant time on the Carnival Fascination despite your concerns and that you can look back on the fun and the service that hopefully will persuade you to return to Carnival one day soon

Best wishes
John

MoMo Asked:
Hello John,

Please respond.

I have to admit that my DH and I cruise Celebrity all the time because they have very few children on their ships. We do not like children and we are not people who want to cruise with loads of unruly ones that we read about every day on Cruise Critic. My DH and I have talked about cruising with Carnival though. So my question is will Carnival ever have a ship that is adults only. I really think you should as you will attract a better class of passenger for sure.

Thanks
MoMo

John Says:
Hello MoMo

It would be fantastic to see you on one of our ships and I promise that you would have the most fun you have ever had. Carnival is proud to be the most popular cruise line for the families and we have no plans to have a ship that is dedicated to adults only. Now we do have times when the kid count is lower and these are usually times when the schools are open. I will also say that for the most part the children who cruise with us are very well behaved and that our brilliant Camp Carnival, Circle C and Club O2 programs keep the kids safe and give them a brilliant vacation as well. So think less and worry less about the children on board and think more about the brilliant value for money that a Carnival cruise brings and the absolute fun that you will have. Best wishes to you both

John

Angie Asked:
PLEASE REPLY:

John 17 of us just got off the Carnival Dream on Saturday November 20, 2010. This made my 7th cruise (all with Carnival) and we had 8 first time cruisers with us and some this made their third. I must say we all agreed that the Dream is a beautiful ship.

We enjoyed our cruise director Josh Waitzman very much. We had the best dining room staff Hari and Franklin was great and our room steward was Marco he was just as wonderful.

We only have one complaint and that is why the main dining room has started allowing the men to wear shorts and at time tee shirts. Even at times the women were in shorts as well. Those of us that are returning cruisers found this to be very different than when we had crusied before. We like the dressing up on formal nights and wearing nice clothing on non formal nights.

This was my second husbands first cruise and he is now hooked we will be saving and taking our family again in two years and it will be on a Carnival ship.

John Says:
Hello Angie

I am so very glad that you had such a great time on your Carnival Dream and I will certainly pass on your kind words to those mentioned. I am interested in your comments on the dress code in the dining room. I know that we have a relaxed dress code on the first night because of luggage delivery but unless guests have lost luggage shorts should not be allowed in the dining rooms after that. T-shirts……..well that’s a different story and as long as the shirt is not a tank top then yes we do allow them if they are well presented. Please let me know about the shorts and when you saw people wearing them. Most of all I wanted to thanks you for your loyalty and that we will see you and your wonderful family again very soon.

Best wishes to you all
John

Joseph Petrovski Asked:
John reply please as soon as you get this.

I have often been disgusted by your sexual and rude references on this blog. If you bothered to ask most blog readers you would find come here to find out what’s happening in the world of Carnival and not to read your immature toilet humor. USA Today wrote that you were “outrageously inappropriate” and maybe this will get you to stop writing filth and concentrate on information and fact.

John Says:
Hello Joseph Petrovski

I apologise that you find this blog offensive and that you have found it necessary to write and tell me so. I had a quote from the LA Times sent to me from a blogger last week where the writer had also mentioned that she thought my blog was “lurid” and I guess that USA Today feel somewhat the same. This though is who I am and while I apologise sincerely to anyone I ever offend (except the French) I don’t think I will be able to change the way I write my blogs……. I would in fact rather stop writing altogether.

Please accept my apologies

Best wishes
John

Tim (9/11 patch guy) Asked:
John (please reply)

Why don’t you have a uniform like Gary Hunter???

Tim……..

John Says:
Hello Tim

For those who don’t know what my friend Tim is referring to, let me explain. Gary Hunter was my mentor and is now a CD for Crystal Cruises. On those ships the CD is a 4 stripe officer and wears the white uniform. I am not sure but I think very few cruise lines have their CD’s in uniform, certainly none of the Carnival family do. It was discussed a few years ago when one of my colleagues suggested it. He did so because of course he is metrosexual and uses product in his hair and has manicures and would look great in white. Me though……well I would just look ridiculous. However………let’s ask your fellow bloggers, Tim. How many of you would like to see the CD dressed in a uniform? I hope you are well Tim and I hope we sail together one day soon.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and I have asked Eric the Beard to send me any questions that are time sensitive to the front of the line. Please though keep the comments coming as they are read by many of Carnival’s senior beards.

Time for a break and we continue with our look at the young and exciting Assistant Cruise Directors who make your cruise activities so much fun. Today we go to the Carnival Inspiration and meet TJ SWART.

I am from South Africa and am currently on the Carnival Inspiration ending contract as ACD 10 January 2011, but will stay on the Inspiration to roll out the Entertainment Staff College starting 24 January.

I started working for Carnival in 2004 as a bar waiter. After the first contract I decided never to do this again, but after a short two week vacation, I missed my ship family so much that I had to return. I worked in the bar for another three months after that and then applied for the job as a “social host.” Within two weeks I was transferred to the Inspiration and never looked back again.

As an entertainment staff member this was the perfect job for me. Not only did I get to travel the world, but I also got to meet all these different people from different countries and cultures, whilst getting paid… In my almost six years with Carnival I got to go to Hawaii, Alaska, Europe, Mexican Riviera and of course the Caribbean.

While I was working on the Carnival Fantasy as an entertainment host I was asked if I wanted to be the trainer for the new Entertainment Staff College. I jumped at the opportunity because I love a new challenge and I feel that I can bring something to the new hires that will make their experience on ships just as great as mine has been.

In the past six months I was working on getting the training manual ready, and jumping from ship to ship helping out as ACD where I could. This journey took me to the Carnival Destiny, Carnival Liberty and now of course the Carnival Inspiration. Back to where it all started!

While being an ACD the activity that I think guest should not miss is my game show. It is wild and crazy and you never know what is going to happen. I might feel like making you dance for a prize or sing along to the music, I sometimes don’t even know what is going to happen. Then my hairy chest contest is also a huge hit….. Need I say more?

The best part of my job as a trainer is to be part of the future of Carnival Cruise Lines. The “young” hosts I’m going to train will be the future cruise directors of the fleet and   that makes me proud to think that I will have a part in their making.

So as you can see not only is TJ a brilliant ACD but has been chosen to help start the Entertainment Staff College. This is where all new entertainment staff will come to train and learn about the job. At the end of the training period some will be offered a job and sent across the fleet but some others will not. I doubt this will happen too much because I know Chris in the office has a brilliant eye for who is qualified for this job and those who are not. But for the CD’s this is brilliant because rather than get a brand new person who we have to train on the job, the college will allow the CD’s new staff members to have already learnt what to do and nearly as importantly they will have learnt all about ship’s life and the challenges that this brings. I worked with TJ on the Carnival Fantasy last year and I can totally understand why he has been chosen to open the college. Good luck TJ and congratulations.

Well as you know I have been sick these past five days. In fact all but one of the Carnival staff who went to the New York event returned with the plague. Maybe this was because we all stuck our tongues down each other’s throats when the ball dropped. My friend Jen from PR was so sick she hasn’t had a glass of red wine for 8 days.

Seriously, though we have all been quite ill and on Thursday last week I was so bad that Heidi insisted I go to the doctor. For those of you who don’t know ……I hate going to the doctors …….I would rather suck Judge Judy’s toes than go to the doctor. But because I had a temperature of 100 and was coughing up giant lumps of green ……..Heidi insisted because she was worried I had flu………swine flu even. Now being diabetic I am supposed to get a flu shot because that’s what the white coats recommend. You see, my immune system is weakened and is as likely to fight off a cold than Tiger Woods is likely to fight of a lap dancer’s lady garden. I had intended to get a flu shot onboard the Carnival Splendor when they came onboard……..on November 7……but I got a little busy that cruise and never got a chance to get one.

I was worried therefore that Heidi might have been right and that I did in fact have swine flu. And men in nuclear spillage boiler suits will want to know if I have had any contact with Mexican pigs. And then, when they’ve gone away, I would die having never gotten to see Megan Fox’s bottom or tell you the exciting news about…….oops sssshhh John.

Flu is nasty and claiming you have it when all you have is a cold makes you look ridiculous so when Doctor Ramitin asked me what was wrong I just said I had a cold. But what I had in fact was a chest infection and a throat infection and worst recorded cold in the whole of human history and I am defying medical science by being here, at my computer, writing this blog.

I am allergic to penicillin as well which doesn’t help but the Doc did give me some other antibiotics which made me drowsy and made my pee orange. I still don’t feel 100% and as I sit here, shivering now and then and with a tickly cough, I can’t help wondering why there is still no cure. And whether or not a beard might be on the brink or creating one.

We have been to the moon, invented the George Foreman Grill, devised the Eye Phone and created the Queen Mary 2. But still no one knows how to tell a cold to sod off. Anyway, I apologise for being away so long and I am determined to give you a full week of blogs. By the way, talking of doctors I want to share this comment with you.

Meadow Soprano Asked:
John Heald _ reply please

I’m having a very minor procedure a few days before my cruise at the end of the month, and will be stuck with 4 stitches. I called Carnival to see if the “doctor” on board could remove the stitches, and was told there was no way as this was “against policy.”  What can the “doctors” do on board? I’m a little disappointed at the prospect of having my stitches removed in Cozumel a third-world country. I intend to post this on Cruise Critic and get their support and hope you can help me get this done and with no charge as I am already a paying passenger.

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Meadow

I hope your procedure goes well and that you are well enough to cruise. I checked this morning with our medical team and indeed unless it is urgent the doctors will not take your stitches out. The ship’s medical staff is onboard to look after guests who get sick or hurt themselves while onboard. Since doctors are independent contractors, there are fees incurred here which is why insurance is always recommended. Now having been to the doctor myself recently and having seen your comment amongst the huge pile of questions I have been asked to answer I thought I might touch on your point as to what doctors do onboard.

We have a total of 24 senior physicians, and 28 ship’s physicians, who rotate through the ships on contracts that range from four to six months. We have approximately 90 registered nurses working for us at any given time. All our physicians and nurses have to had emergency and critical care experience, and are certified in Advanced Cardiac Life Support. Most of our physicians and nurses come from the UK, South Africa, Europe or Australia and New Zealand. Our infirmaries exceed the CLIA/ACEP guidelines and are designed to treat and stabilize most emergent medical conditions until we can get the patient to the hospital. Our medical teams deal with everything from seasickness and colds and flu, to heart attacks and injuries from falls or accidents. One minute they may be advising a mother on how to treat symptoms of a sore throat in a child, the next running help manage a guest in an emergency situation.

So Meadow, this is the life of the cruise ship doctors and nurses and hopefully having read this you will have a better understanding of what they do. I should also point out that the medical facilities in Cozumel are hardly “third world.” However, none of this matters because having just realised that you are affiliated with a particular “family,” I can promise that you will have no problems in getting your stitches taken out and you will also be upgraded to the penthouse and your drinks will all be free. Please tell your father I tell Tony I hope we see him on his Carnival Magic. This will be the best cruise ever……can RCI match a Carnival experience? ……………. “fugeddaboutit”!

John

See you on Facebook and here on the blog tomorrow

Goodnight

Your friend
John

So, after the show I called the DJ and asked him for some more appropriate music. He then told me that this would take a day or two as he needed to “burn some CDs.” Now, I know that “burn some CD’s ” doesn’t involve pouring gasoline over Todd Wittmer, George Solano and Wee Jimmy and setting them on fire, but I have no idea how you burn a CD and I have no idea why it should take so long to do so.

I know I’m about to sound like some grumpy old man living on past memories, but I remember the days when carefully compiling a C90 cassette of personally selected tunes was as easy as operating your television used to be. And in fact, I remember doing this for Heidi when I first met her back in 1994, it was a key bonding moment in our relationship.

I would assemble a collection of my favourite tunes, then spend an hour painstakingly writing the titles and artist names on the inlay card thingy, which never had enough room on it. It took effort and patience. It was a gift that showed I cared and that I wanted to have some rumpy pumpy.

Making a compilation for yourself was one thing. Assembling a tape for someone you wanted to see naked was something that took true thought.

I remember that if I had opened with something really mushy and romantic I would mark myself as a bit of a girl. So, I remember opening Heidi’s tape with ELO’s Mr. Blue Sky……. A song I had sung along to when we had heard it on the car radio. Then I moved onto songs that got more and more personal and included True by Spandau Ballet, Falling in Love with You by Simply Red and my favourite rock ballad ever “Just Between Me and You” by a Canadian band called April Wine. The cassette worked because…….well……….you know. Anyway, compilation tapes were brilliant. But then progress buggered it all up. First CDs smothered cassettes and then finally everyone got Eye Pods……………….compilation tapes were dead.

What do the youth of today do when they “burn CD’s” for someone they want to fall in love with. I guess they would include some explicit rap in which the rapper shouts about 1,000 assorted tricks he can perform with his thingy.

Oh my how things have changed.

Time for today’s Q and A……..away we go.

Debbie Love Asked:
Hey John,

We are booked on the Magic on Nov. 27th of next year. We have heard that you will be doing the Magic transition to Galveston. Is this true or just a rumour that has been put on CC board? If it is true, will you still be on when we sail on her?

Please reply!!
Debbie Love

John Says:
Hello Debbie Love

Thanks for taking the time to ask this. The rumor is true as it is my intention to be the CD on your Carnival Magic during her Trans-Atlantic and to host the first few cruises out of Galveston. I will be leaving in early December so it looks like we shall be together. Congratulations on booking the ship and I am sure you have seen the video of her on www.carnivalmagic.com

Best wishes and see you next year
John

Jen Wilson Asked:
John- Please Reply

I just found your blog. I have spent the last three hours or so reading (this is attributable to both your engaging writing style and my desire to avoid the dishes that are waiting for me in the kitchen). I have to say in a world where customer service is basically nonexistent it is amazing that you take the time to write back to so many people. We love Carnival and this is just one more example of why we almost always choose to spend our vacations on your wonderful ships.

I do have one quick question. We are sailing on the Spirit on 9/7/10. My two little boys are coming with us and will both be in Camp Carnival. My oldest is so excited about “camp.” He loved it so much last time that I had to beg him to hang out with me now and then. I frequently hear him giving his two year old little brother pep talks about how much fun they will have. His 5th birthday is the second to last day of our cruise and he says he can’t wait to spend it with his “new camp friends”. Having told you all of that here is my worry as his mommy…I’m a little concerned that there may not be any other kids in camp carnival that cruise. I have cruised to Alaska twice before and I know it isn’t traditionally highly cruised with children. In addition, school will be back in session then. Anyway, I wanted to ask if it happens that there aren’t any kids in a specific age group? I know we will love the cruise either way but I would like to manage his expectations beforehand.

Thanks so much for reading and again I am so impressed with what you are doing here.
Jen Wilson

PS- I am sending this from iPad and for some reason the stupid thing won’t let me scroll up to check for errors in spelling and such before I send this so so please ignore any crazy typos

John Says:
Hello Jen Wilson

I have never been used as an excuse not to have to do the dishes before but congratulations on finding any excuse not to have to do them. Thank you for the kind words and for expressing your love of this great cruise line. It sounds like your whole family is very excited about the cruise and I know that your time on the Carnival Spirit will be both fun and relaxing. It will be relaxing because the kids will be able to have fun in the safe environment that is Camp Carnival. I asked the ship for the kid count for your cruise in September and there are a total of 170 children of which 48 are in the Camp Carnival age group. This means that they will I am sure make many new friends. So have a wonderful time and I hope you saw my blog thingy yesterday about Eye Pads………which considering your P.S. ……..I think you might enjoy

Best wishes to you all
John

CruisinSue Asked:
Hi John (Please reply)

I love the picture of you and Kye. She is a beautiful little girl and she is getting big fast. I know you miss her and Heidi more than words can say.

My sympathies to the family of Alex. I have to know though, if he was on the Carnival Freedom during the European season of 2007. I was on a cruise in October 2007 and it seems he was the one dancing on the tables with flashing glasses. My mom loved him. If it is the same one, my Mom will be saddened, as am I, to hear this. She just a couple of days ago asked if he might be on the Carnival Miracle on October when we cruise.

Also, I am going to be one of those with a special dining request. I am booked on the Carnival Imagination on October 1st with 10 of my friends. We would like to sit in the middle of the main dining room at one big table if possible. Our cabin numbers are E17, E35, E47 and E55. Any assistance with this will be most appreciated.

I will be waiting for your response about Alex. Give my best to Heidi and Kye. See you on BC4, if not sooner.

Gloria aka Sue

John Says:
Hello CruisinSue

It is always so sad when one of our team members passes suddenly as Alex did. I do know he was on the Carnival Freedom but I am not sure if he is the one you were referring to having fun on the podium. I do know that we will miss him very much. I have sent your request to Marian Gobeaja the maitre d of the Carnival Imagination and ask him to do his best to assist you.

Have a great time and I am looking forward very much to BC4.

Best to you and Mum
John

Wallisha Asked:
John, Please respond

Not sure if this is the right page but here goes. I’m currently booked on my 2nd cruise on Carnival Valor 08/29. I’m booked with a group of 13 people who cruise range from vacation, anniversary, and a few of us including myself this is our birthday gift to ourselves. My question I’m hoping to get a reply on is there anyway that we as a group can get the Behind-the-Fun tour in anyway if possible. Thanks for the time to read my question/request. Love the blog and most of them just have me cracking up. Keep up the good work and I wish nothing but much love and happiness with Heidi and the girls. Once again thanks for the time.

John Says:
Hello Wallisha

I hope you get a chance to see this before you sail on the Carnival Valor. Unfortunately while I can reserve spots and The Chefs Table and can help with steakhouse reservations I cannot do advance bookings for the Behind the Fun excursions. However, if you go directly to the shore excursion desk on deck 3 when you board, I am confident you will get you and the family booked on this. The desk opens at noon. Thanks so much for the kind words and I send my very best wishes to you all

John

Brownsfanbill Asked:
John to reply

Just got off the Liberty and was disgusted at the costumes of the dancers and had to take my twin 10 year old boys out. This was my first Carnival cruise and I want to know if this is normal for all the Carnival shows. Showing bare behinds is not family entertainment and it wasn’t like this on Royal Caribbean.

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Bill

I am very sorry that you were offended by the showgirl style costumes. While at no time are the dancer’s bottoms bare they do have one or two numbers that have the cast in more revealing costumes. Some, not all of our ships have shows where some costumes similar to what you saw. I will make sure that all of the CDs announce the fact that the shows do contain showgirl style costuming either in their pre-show announcements or in writing in the Fun Times. Once again please accept my apologies and outside of your displeasure with the shows I hope you had a great time nonetheless. Best wishes to you and the family

John

Kathy M. Asked:
Hi John,

Please reply,

Every time I read about how Americans treat the waiters and waitresses in the dining room I think of the book “Cruise Confidential”. I know that you call it fiction, but the crew of the Carnival Paradise and a few that I talked to on the Carnival Splendor who read it told me that what he wrote was 100% accurate. The book tells us how hard they work, the long hours they put in and also how many in the dining room treat them. I do have one question though, how many Brit’s (besides yourself) have worked for Carnival. Just wondering. I will say one thing for this book, John, and that is, it made me APPRECIATE these hard workers even more. They could be dead tired, but they will still have a big smile and treat me like royalty

One last question, John do you like to read? If so, what kinds of books do you like.

Please Give my love to Heidi and Kye.

From your #1 Bloggy Thingy Fan,
Kathy M…

John Says:
Hello Kathy M

Thanks Kathy. I have not read Cruise Confidential as you know. I have been sent extracts from it and those have been total works of pure fiction. However, there is no doubting how hard the service staff work and there is also no doubt that the standards of service in the cruise industry outshines the service levels in other areas of the travel industry such as hotels, resorts and of course airlines.

I love to read………I read one chapter of a book every night before I go to bed otherwise I can’t get straight to sleep. I read 2 kinds of books, autobiographies and thrillers. My current book is called War Torn by an author called Andy Macnab who writes with such flare and knowledge because he was a Special Forces soldier for many years. Heidi is bringing me Tony Blair’s autobiography …………..which will also be a work of fiction! As always thanks so much for the support of the blog thingy

Best wishes
John

Ron Pope Asked:
Hey John:

(Please reply) – Being new to this blog thing – I did not know that I had to put that (please reply) in if I expected you to answer me. Anyway – I am the Guy who stopped you in the Queens Room hall way on board the Queen Victoria a couple of weeks ago. We discussed our being on the Liberty (Rome / Med ING Cruise) where you showed “The Titanic” as the movie on the Lido big screen our first night at sea…. HA

We are booked on the Magic 10/28/2011 for the T/A – and YOU said to keep in touch so that when the time gets closer you may be able to help me out with “something” for my wife – as this will be our 30th

Wedding Anniv. cruise… Pope – Plano, TX..

John Says:
Hello Ron Pope

I remember our meeting in the beautiful Queens Room on the Queen Victoria. I hope you had a wonderful voyage and I was sorry that I couldn’t stay there longer. I am so glad you found the blog and you are most welcome here. Please do stay in touch and I will be with you onboard your Carnival Magic for that cruise and I will be honoured (spelt correctly) to send your wife a little something for your anniversary.

Best wishes to you both
John

Shelly Conlin Asked:
Dear John:

PLEASE REPLY

Having read all the negative publicity regarding the granting of special favours (spelled that way for you and my Canadian friends), I hesitate to ask for one myself, but it is a small one.

My SO and I met in the piano bar on the Glory in 2007. At that time, I was cruising with my mom and sister on my third Carnival cruise. It was his first. Even though there are 900 miles separating us, we have still managed to hang in there, and have since been on three more Carnival cruises together. Being a single mom, I wasn’t going to go on any more, but he decided that he loved me and loved cruising so much, that he has paid all my expenses on the last two and the next one coming up on October 17th on the Carnival Splendor. He rapidly caught up to me in the cruise count by going on two without me (darn him!).

Without getting too sappy (he breaks out in hives when I get all emotional), I wanted to make this one special. I have already called the Bon Voyage department and picked something he would like (the beer/cooler/mug/cap package) and made sure to swap the Budweiser for Coors Light, and we have made our Steakhouse reservations because he just can’t wait to get a grip on that monstrous t-bone they serve. We sit with our group, so I don’t need a special table either.

Now for the special favour part. I was wondering if you would leave him a brief note in our cabin welcoming him aboard and maybe tossing in a little hint that our platinum cruise would be even more special if it were our honeymoon. That would give him at least three years to get used to the idea. Come to think of it, maybe I should order a few more beers to revive him after he reads it.

Oops! One more favour – let me know where you ate the seafood ceveche. I live for that stuff and they just don’t know how to make it right way up here in MN.

Keep up the good work, John. I love reading your blog, especially now that you are on the Splendor. The Inner Sanctum of the Saints and Sinners are looking forward to seeing you again in October. You truly are the best in the business!

John Says:
Hello Shelly Conlin

Please don’t ever be put off from asking me for something because of what a few say. They have an absolute right to their opinion just as I do to continue to do my best to help when I can. It sounds like that despite the distance involved your relationship that it is becoming more special every day and I hope that your cruise here with me will be a chance for you both to truly have fun and relax together.

Please can you leave me a note at the Guest Services Desk when you board. Write me a few words as to why you love him so much which I will read out at the morning show. This along with a subtle hint from me may be enough to get him on bended knee! I will of course I will be honoured to send him a little something. I will also let you know the place where I had that great ceviche because right now I can’t remember………….getting old I think. I will see you soon and my best wishes to you both.

John

Jen van Leeuwen Asked:
Hello John, (Please reply)

I am fairly new to your blog thingy and I LOVE it. Please don’t listen to those evil people who knock the work that you do for so many! You are the highlight of my day!! Thank you…Thank you….Thank you

Since you have graciously helped so many, may I suggest a home remedy for your heartburn and acid reflux problems? I too was a long time Acid Reflux sufferer! I found information online that Apple Cider Vinegar helps reduce the acid therefore calming the heartburn (1 tablespoon in a glass of water 1 to 2 times a day). It tastes like crap but IT WORKS. It usually takes a couple of weeks to get the full benefits. I am now med free and enjoying things like hot wings once again!!!! Now I only take the “remedy” once or twice a week and live heartburn free. ACV is also great for weight loss (I have dropped 25 lbs) and is good for diabetes too.

I actually found your blog quite by accident while searching for information on our November 12th sailing on Carnival Spirit. My husband and I are celebrating our 5th Wedding Anniversary and some friends are coming along for the celebration. I have cruised before on another line but my husband has never cruised before.

I am hoping you can answer a couple of questions for us. I have contacted Carnival’s Customer Service but unfortunately no one seems to know the answers to these. Can you please shed some light on the following….

• Ixtapa / Zihuatanejo – We are 98 days prior to sailing and only 3 excursions have been available for booking in Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo. When I check the carnival general Shore Excursion information, 95% of the excursions offered are showing “inventory pending” so it doesn’t look like any sailings are able to book for this destination. Do you know when the inventory will be loaded so that we can book these? (We booked Acapulco and Manzanillo excursions 4 months ago)

• Allergies – One of our friends has a severe allergy to Strawberries. Is there anyone prior to sailing or on board that we should be contacting regarding this? I want to try Your Time Dining but she is quite hesitant.

• Chef’s Table – I would love to surprise my Hubby with this as an anniversary present. Does the Carnival Spirit offer this and if so who do I contact regarding making reservations?

Thank you once again for all that you do! Hoping to meet you in person one day soon.

Your Canadian Fan,
Jen

John Says:
Hello Jen van Leeuwen (good Dutch name that)

I am very glad you found our blog thingy and have written in with your questions. Thanks for the information on acid reflux and I will certainly be giving that a try. It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it?

Anyway, I hope you are excited about your Carnival Spirit cruise as the itinerary looks fantastic. I checked on the shore excursions and I think since you wrote your post that more have been added. Here is the link thingy to the page and you should have no problem booking them now. If you do, please let me know and I will help you. http://www.carnival.com/Itinerary.aspx?embkCode=SDG&itinCode=SDF&durDays=8&shipCode=SP&subRegionCode=MR&rateCode=PCD&sailDate=11/12/2010&sailingID=54363

Your Time Dining is becoming more and more popular and I think it is a great option to have especially when you have long days in port with lots of busy excursions. Not being tied down to a specific dining time is something I think you will appreciate. I am going to forward your posting to someone at our special needs desk so that they will alert the ship accordingly regarding the strawberry allergy. Someone will be in touch with you to confirm this information has been received. The Chef’s Table will be available so if you want to book please send me another post with your full name, cabin and sailing date and I will be honoured to reserve you both a place. I also hope we get to sail together again one day very soon. Have a brilliant time on the Carnival Spirit.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and thanks again for a great week of comments.

I read with interest the continuing comments about poolside seat saving. Cruise ship guests have long complained about people who reserve seats and use stealth tactics in the struggle to secure those precious poolside sun loungers. And I admit that we seem powerless to stop it……as indeed does the entire industry it seems. I still don’t have the answer…….or do I? We don’t have the numbers of staff to walk the deck and move on anybody trying to reserve a chair so why don’t we give guests the option of reserving their loungers in advance when they book their cruise. We could have a chart online and just like you can chose a seat on the airplane……… you can chose a chair as well, thus relieving you the early morning stress and you can have a lie in bed instead …… just a thought.

Every now and then I like to feature a crew member who may never get any recognition. Someone who may never get to take a bow. The ship’s physicians always get introduced at the Senior Officer presentation and obviously they are very important. But it is the ship’s nurses that do most of the…..ummmm……dirty work. So let’s welcome one of the Carnival Splendor’s angels of mercy…..Amy Bruinsma. Here she is moments before checking on my Hemorrhoids.

What is your name? Amy Bruinsma

Where are you from? Michigan, USA

What is your position onboard? Ship’s Registered Nurse

How long have you worked for Carnival? Two years

What is your favourite port? Antigua – its beautiful and has fun water sports

Which is your favourite ship? Carnival Splendor – I like the run and it has cuter male crew members than on other ships

What is your favourite way to relax after work? I like to socialise with friends, or watch a movie. And when I say watch a movie, I mean actually watch a movie. Not just use that line as an invitation to come to my cabin, like some people do!

What is your favourite movie? Sex & the City – I only like it for the fashion and the cute men!

What is your favourite music? I like country music. My favourite artist is Toby Keith.

If you could do any other job here onboard, what would it be? I think entertainment staff. It looks fun and I would enjoy helping the guests have a great cruise!

Thank you Amy and thank you to ship nurses everywhere. I salute your wonderful work and the fact that you continue to work here despite many of you having seen my bottom…very close up.

Here is some news from Entertainment Director Chris Prideaux.

Good day to all,

Let it be known throughout the realm that Joshua Lee Waitzman has proven himself worthy and from this day forth shall be known as Cruise Director, Joshua Lee Waitzman. Arise Cruise Director Joshua Lee and enjoy the rights and responsibilities of the lofty position to which you have ascended.

Let us all sing…………………… (no Josh, not you)

Chris

Many congratulations to Big Sexy aka Josh on his promotion and I know that he will be a great addition to the already superb team of CD’s we have working for us. For those of you who don’t know Big Sexy……..here he is.

Josh Waitzman Bio:

I was born one miserably cold Chicago day, January 5^th, 1977 and still reside there as do my entire family and friends. The ironic thing about my position is that I come from a family of teachers, lawyers, and doctors, and have the privilege of “playing” out at sea and being the black sheep of the group (you know there’s always one).  I can confidently say though that my career choice didn’t come as easily to me as it did the rest of the Waitzman clan…

I fell in love with cruising and being out at sea when I was 14 years old.  My parents took myself, my younger brother, and two younger sisters on a cruise down to the Western Caribbean.  I loved the experience of being on the ship, and when I somehow managed to sneak into the disco one night with a group of 18 year old girls, unfortunately, it was my mother who walked in, busted me, and threw me out!  It was at that exact moment where I learned how to play blackjack in the casino…

Later on in life, I attended Illinois State University. It was there where I joined and became a social chair and house manager for Sigma Chi fraternity, took all sorts of theater and drama classes, and went through the other monotonous daily routines of college life.  While on paper I was a business major, deep down in my heart I knew that the corporate world just wasn’t for me.  I never could have imagined that the skills I acquired then would be essential for my inevitable career later on…

After school, while trying to start a “real” life, I spent five years as an executive pension and employee benefit recruiter, bought a house, and got married (and divorced… long story).  That entire time, for the mere fun of it, I was hosting karaoke shows at night for a friend who owned a DJ and Karaoke company. It was then where I realized how much I enjoyed hosting, performing, and being in front of a crowd. Still, I never had any idea of what my future held until I went on another cruise with the family in February of 2004 and my Grandmother mentioned that since I was a natural performer and love being at sea so much, I should work on cruise ships (or “big boats” as she called them). It was shortly afterwards where I applied to Carnival and was thrust into my first positions at sea as a karaoke and social host on the Holiday in the Spring of 2004.

It was only at that point where I had an epiphany of what I TRULY wanted to do with my life….

Since the Holiday 5 years ago, I’ve had the honor of doing contracts as part of the Entertainment Staff on the Destiny and Elation, and as an assistant Cruise Director on the Elation, Victory, Miracle, Ecstasy, and Freedom. I have taken over as Cruise Director on the Elation and Miracle and Imagination and am currently celebrating my promotion as cruise director of the Carnival Freedom.

My Grandmother has since passed away, but I’ll always remember her saying that if you sincerely love what you do, you’ll never have to work a day in your life… well, if that’s true, I haven’t worked in a very long time.  I honestly believe that I have the best position in the world, and I am honored to be able to work for this company.  Ultimately, I am looking forward to many more years (and “big boats”) to come!

Big Sexy

Now for reasons that may or may not become clear, I am writing this at 12:40am. And so it’s time for bed as my alarm is set for 6 am. So, see you then. Goodnight.

Don’t you think it’s strange that staying up late at night is somehow regarded as “cooler” than getting up at the crack of sodding dawn.. Any bugger can stay up until 3 am drinking Fun Ship Specials and slippery nipples washed down with some pizza from lido deck aft.  But dragging your arse out of bed at 6 am to write a blog requires a level grit normally reserved for those blokes from Dangerous Catch.

By the way……on a cruise………….. when does the night officially turn into morning? I’d say when you wouldn’t have to apologise to those in the next cabin if you accidentally bang on their door asking if they recognize you……so 8:30am maybe. Anything earlier than that is still night ………..right?

Here on the west coast I have had to get up very early every morning because of the 3 hour time difference. My alarm on most mornings kicks me in the bollocks at 7 am because if I don’t write then the time difference and my day job as a cruise director would mean you would all be staring at a blank space. I’m not a natural morning person.

If it were up to me with no work commitments or blog thingy or before Kye, my sleeping pattern tends to drift into student mode, eventually getting to the point where I’m waking up at noon and hitting the sack around 2 am in the morning.

I could, given the chance eventually become fully nocturnal – like a vampire, but more of a loser, and without the ability of turning myself into a bat, flapping around a castle having rumpy pumpy with Latvian virgins. But as I said, since coming here to the Carnival Splendor I have had to get up very early each morning which has lead me to meet a whole new breed of person …………. early Carnival risers.

I meet them by the coffee shop because you won’t believe this……but my assistant Stephanie refuses to get out of her bed at 7 am to get my coffee…….the lazy, idle bugger.

So that means I have to get my own coffee and that’s where I meet this rare breed of passenger. Now I can understand getting up early to take an excursion in a port of call but on a sea day ….. why?

I’d always thought of the mornings as essentially uninhabitable, like the Paris. But no. I head out the cabin at 7 am and there they are – actual live guests!

It’s like lifting a rock and seeing life unexpectedly teeming below. Although it’s not actually teeming most of the time. Some are like me, getting coffee, some are reading and yet the most common denominator the early morning Carnival guest is ummmm……sitting. Yep……. Sitting ..…on Promenade……staring out of the window at the sea. One or two are doing serious laps in the swimming pool and if I knew where it was I am sure that there would be one or two in the gym as well………but most as I said……..just sit……alone….starring out to sea. It’s all rather sad. Maybe I need to start scheduling activities at 7 am to give the starters something to do.

Anyway, here I sit at 6:25am now and as much as I have wished for an Aston Martin or a ride on Megan Fox…..right now if a big fat Genie gave me one wish……it would probably be for a bed to lie in.

So why am I up even 1 hour earlier than usual? Well that’s because the captain called me last night and said that thanks to Tropical Storm Bastard….sorry ……Frank……..the sea conditions may not allow us to tender the guests ashore safely. We are due into Cabo San Lucas in 20 minutes and therefore I am off now to the bridge to see what the situation is. So, I will be back in a moment to let you know what is happening………better put some clothes on first though.

So here I am back in the cabin. So last night the Captain called me and said that there were some doubts as to whether we could tender our guests ashore because of the swells caused by Tropical Storm bastard…..I mean Frank. In fact last night the ship was rolling quite a bit which for this particular itinerary is very unusual indeed. So the team and I prepared a missed port Carnival Caper and we……bugger….a missed port Fun Times and we were ready for what seemed the inevitable.

However, I just returned from the bridge and we have remarkably begun tendering operations. The downside is every single one of our water based shore excursions has been canceled for the safety of the guests of course. There is even a red flag advisory at the beach suggesting swimmers take caution. But the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day and we are here and ……. oh my……..how my bed is calling me. However, sleep it appears is for wimps because I have the senior officer meeting now and then an afternoon show and e-mails and Facebook and two shows tonight.

What’s keeping me going at the moment? Well…………….this

They will be here on September 5.

See you all on Monday and on Facebook over the weekend.
John

P.S. One more thing, one of the 344 Stephanies and Peter the Hair are in Italy and in-between stuffing their faces with Pasta De Tofu they will be filing the coin ceremony of your Carnival Magic. So stop by the blog thingy tomorrow for a sneak preview.

I met him some years ago and we became friends. And when he sent me photos of his new mansion I wrote back saying how stunning it all was and how I couldn’t wait to see it for myself. What I really wanted to write was “BASTARD!”…………but I didn’t.

And I met a guest yesterday who wanted to talk to me about his unhappiness at the quality of food on the ship. It was a strange conversation because not only he should be having this talk with the hotel director but because rather than tell me what he felt we could improve on, he spent the most of our 20 minutes together telling me how rich he was.

I learnt that he had his own catering business that supplied on location food for the film and TV industry. He told me that he was a multi-millionaire and during telling me that he thought I had over sold the steakhouse and that it wasn’t nearly as good as I had said during my announcement, he produced an exclusive Black American Express card saying “With this card I have instant access to the best restaurants in the world.”

I was going to show him my Visa card with a $1,000 credit limit on it……but I doubt he would have seen the funny side. I also didn’t mention that out of the 503 people who have eaten there this week we have only had two negative comments and one of those was that it was too cold in the restaurant.

I guess the moral of both these stories is that money can’t buy happiness.

Many people, I think, including myself want to believe that is the case. It explains why we enjoy being outraged when sport stars move teams so they can earn $1,000,000 a week rather than $90,000 a week. And why we all enjoyed seeing the fat cat bankers having to turn in their Latvian Lap Dancing Membership Cards and swap their private jets for economy class.

But of course the truth of the matter is that the more money I have had, the happier I have been. It’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

This came home to me very forcefully when Heidi and I were spending a few days in Miami back in 2007. When Carnival pays we stay in a Marriotthilton type hotel but usually when we have to pay we will stay in one of Sleep Inns and Days Inns and Relax Inns and Comfort Inns and Travel Inns and Country Inns and the odd Holiday Inn. However, this time we booked into a hotel on Ocean Drive which wasn’t calling itself an Inn and which we couldn’t really afford.

I remember that when we went up to our room……..rooms, rather…….on the seventh floor…well, it was just breathtaking. Outside was the Atlantic and the beach and what we in the cruise industry call a wraparound balcony. Inside there were plasma TV’s and bathrooms everywhere. “And look, Heidi,” I called from one of those bathrooms, “They’ve got a bumwasher.”  I then came across something called an Intimacy Kit, complimentary, a new one on me. In it, besides sewing gear and toiletries and whatnot, were two contraceptives. “Bloody hell,” I said to myself ………….. “So this is how the other half lives.”

That night we went for a meal with friends at my favourite restaurant in Miami, Prime 112 where the rich and tanned come to dine on simply the best food in Miami. Staying in that hotel in Miami and dining at that restaurant, I experienced a real urge to have more money than I do. Not a silly amount more; twice as much would suffice. Perhaps three times as much to be on the safe side. I couldn’t for the life of me think in what way I would be corrupted if I could afford to stay in places like that more often. Money can buy happiness and it could buy Heidi a business class ticket so that Heidi and Kye don’t have to spend 11 hours in coach and it could buy me an Aston Martin in which to drive off at 192 mph after I have shoved that condescending sod’s Black American Express Card right up his bottom.

Time for today’s questions………………away we go.

Preston n Judy Asked:
John, Please Reply

Good to see you on the west coast, but your on the wrong ship. You should be on the Carnival Spirit cruising Alaska.

Could I be so bold as to ask you for a table for 2? I will offer you many thanks up front and after. I see many now demanding and offering no thanks for your help.

We will be on the Carnival Spirit Sept 7, 2010 Glacier Bay Cruise. Our room number is 4154.

Thanks for any help.
Preston n Judy

John Says:
Hello Preston n Judy

Alaska is on my list for sure because even if I only get to see it for a week or two, I know my time as a CD with Carnival will not be complete without seeing the Last Frontier and working on the Carnival Spirit. I will certainly ask the Maitre D to help with your reservation request.

Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Ian Lavender Asked:
Please Respond!

I have read on Cruise critic recently that you will ensure that we will get a table for 2 on our next cruise. What will I need to do to implement this scenario as I do not want what happened on our last cruise to happen again where we were placed with passengers who did not have the same social standing and values that my wife and I have.

Please acknowledge my request by return
Ian Lavender

John Says:
Hello Ian Lavender

I will be happy to try and organize a table for 2 for you and your wife. Please send me your sailing date, ship and cabin number. Please remember that I will need at least 3 weeks before your sailing date. Best wishes to you both

John

Sally Owl Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY

John, I was looking forward SO much to writing to you today … and now I feel SO sad, thinking of Kye, and of how sad you must have felt as you left her, waving at you. However, on the good side, it’s one month today until we leave Australia on our way to our b2b2b on the Carnival Spirit – to Alaska on 7 September, then to Hawaii on 14 September, and back to Mexico on 26 September. We are aiming to have visited all 50 US states by the end of 2010, and this is our way of visiting Alaska and Hawaii – we can hardly wait!

When you kindly helped sort out our booking problems early in the year, you asked me to contact you before we leave. I know that this is a little early, but please can I ask some questions, and possibly two favours?

The questions – does the Carnival Spirit have the Chef’s Table experience on board? If so, would it be suitable for my husband, who is allergic to shellfish?

The favours – firstly, is there any chance that you could please request table seating for us at a table for four on all three of these voyages? My John is quite deaf, and finds that he can hear best with just four people at a table – we don’t want a table for just for the two of us, as that’s what we have all the time at home!

Secondly (and he doesn’t know about this), could you possibly send John some sort of greeting (or a letter of commiseration) on 28 September? That day will be our 25th wedding anniversary – very special to us as we were in our 40s when we married – and I’d really appreciate a message from you, if it was possible to arrange -Thank you! We’re celebrating on the day with a cruise on the Wailua River, where, we’re told, local musicians will greet those celebrating honeymoons or anniversaries with a special song – Thanks, Carnival for a wonderful excursion like this! I’ll put all our details at the end of this, so that they can be recorded without appearing in your blog.

We hope that you enjoy your time on the Carnival Splendor, and that you enjoy it as much as we did on our trip around South America – it’s a wonderful ship! Hope too that Heidi and Kye DO get to join you.

Thank you so much, John, for bringing Carnival to life for us – a day without reading your blog seems second-rate.

Sally-Owl

John Says:
Hello Sally Owl

Thanks so much for the kind words. Leaving the girls was heartbreaking but I didn’t think that writing about that experience would make others sad too. My apologies for that. The Chef’s Table is not yet up and running on the Carnival Spirit and I am told it will start sometime soon. I don’t have an exact date yet but as soon as I do I will publish here on the blog thingy. I will make sure that your husband and you have a fantastic table for your back to back to back to back to back to back to back……..oops……..got carried away then……..but I will ask him to seat you as requested. And of course you can expect something from me as well. Have a fantastic time and a very happy anniversary to you both.

Best wishes
John

Kathy M. Asked:
Hi John,Please Reply,

I am sorry that the start of your West Coast experience got off to a bad start with the overbooking at the Hilton Hotel. I have stayed at that Hilton the night before I got on the Carnival Splendor, Carnival Spirit and the Carnival Paradise. One reason is because it is so close to the Queen Mary (in fact you can walk over to the ships from that hotel as well as the Hyatt).

I was wondering since Carnival is going back to Europe, will that be your permanent location. Will you ever be coming back to the states or even the West Coast?

I got a really nice email from Carol Lyman of the Bon Voyage Dept about the room decorations. She said that she would clarify with you that passengers can order online and have the rooms decorated before they embark. Thank you so much for having her get in touch with me, I really appreciate it and to anyone who reads this blog, if John says he is going to have someone contact you, I can vouch for it because it happened to me.

THANK YOU John for everything you do for the Carnival passengers. It is employees like you that make the Carnival Ships the best in the cruising world.

Give my love to Heidi and Kye,

From your #1 Bloggy Thingy Fan,
Kathy M.

John Says:
Hello Kathy M

Well Kathy you were right, I am having a great time here on the Carnival Splendor and hopefully the west coast folks are enjoying my silly sense of humour. I am going to be on my Carnival Magic for her time in Europe. And it is my intention to bring her across the pond and back to Galveston. I will host the first few cruises before turning her over to the next cruise director. I have no idea what 2012 will bring and a lot of that will depend on Kye and Heidi and my family commitments. I don’t know if Carnival will return to Europe in 2012 or where I might be. I am glad that Carol sorted that out and thanks again for bringing it to my attention. As always thank you also for your kind words and support of the blog thingy

Best wishes
John

Vanguard Man Asked:
Response requested

Just discovered your blog after being told about it on Cruise Critic and that you are always reserving tables for people. Well that screws it up for the rest of us who use the normal ways to get what we want. A poll was put on Cruise Critic that shows that everyone agrees. It is unfair that we go to the ship and find all the good tables are taken by the people who have begged on your blog.

John Says:
Hello Vanguard Man

I have been made aware of this poll by other Cruise Critic members and as I said to them, while I am sorry that it has upset some readers I am not going to stop. I actually help maybe a dozen or so guests a week who have asked me for something here on the blog thingy. So in the grand scheme of things it should not stop anyone who does see the maitre d onboard hopefully getting the help they need. If there is anything I can do for you will be happy to do my best for you.

Best wishes
John

Peggy222 Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY

Ah John, sending you a huge hug. It is not one of your sweet Kye’s, but hopefully she and Heidi will be with you soon when Kye is feeling better. Perhaps they can sail to the states then fly from there?

What a flight you had. It really is not surprising though, you seem to always have some kind of story. Maybe it is just your lot in life, you get to tell us all about it.

I love that you are back on the Carnival Splendor, my favorite Carnival ship for several reasons. I got to meet you on our September 11, 2008 cruise, Jaime was the first of your crew that we met and she always greeted us by our names when she saw us, Ken was our MD, the ship is gorgeous and we were so excited when we first saw her in Dover, we were in Europe for the first time and Mike and I were celebrating our 45th anniversary. It was a fabulous cruise and made so; mostly because of you John. I have such fond memories of that cruise. I still have my sold gold plastic SOAS and hope I will get one when we are on the Carnival Magic. Anyway, on to my question. Do you have any idea just who will be on your staff on the Magic? I am hoping that Ken will be the MD. There is also a fabulous DJ in the Karaoke Room that we met on the Carnival Ecstasy in January 2010. I am afraid I do not remember his name but he really WOWed the crowds. The room was always full and he always had someone up on the stage singing. You would love him, truly love him. He would always say this saying when the guest ended their song – ABSOUTLY BRIALLENT. I do not know if he would be the right fit on the Carnival Magic, but he sure would bring in the crowds.

Keep smiling John; you truly are one of the good guys

John Says:
Hello Peggy 222

Yep, anytime I get on a plane I sort of know that something will happen that is worthy of a blog story. It is certainly wonderful to be back on this ship and you are right, there are so many happy memories for me here as there is of course for you. Well. The good news is that after some persuasion the one and only Ken Byrne has decided that he will join me on your Carnival Magic. It’s official……..and I am very, very happy indeed as of course will many, many guests be as well. He is incomparable. The Karaoke Host you mentioned sounds intriguing and I will have to do some investigation into who he is. I will be choosing my staff during the next few weeks and am waiting for some of the other cruise directors to send me their recommendations. Thanks for writing and for the kind words and I will see you soon on your Carnival Magic ………………….. more of which I will be writing about shortly.

Best wishes to you both
John

Amy Asked:
John, (Please Reply)

My husband and I are cruising on the 8/26 sailing of the Fascination from Jacksonville with some great friends of ours. I wonder if it might be too much to ask for a window seat at the late dinner seating for the 4 of us. I know if anyone can make it happen it would be you! Our cabin numbers are M94 and M100. Thanks so much!

Amy

John Says:
Hello Amy

I will send your request to the Maître D and I am sure he will be able to help with your seating request.

Have a brilliant time

Best wishes to all
John

Cheri Bolchoz Asked:
John

Cheri & I would like to take this time to express our sincere heartfelt appreciation to you, one of the 343 Stephanies (Stephanie Herrera), and all the cruise directors responsible for replacing my VIP ship funnel pins, lost when my hat blew overboard on the Carnival Fantasy, somewhere in the Devil’s Triangle. It is this type of act that truly lets one know how Carnival cares, and will go that extra mile for members of its family. It really softened the blow of losing something very special and years in the making. Carnival did the same thing for my sister-in-law, Julie Mendenhall sometime ago. I have my new hat now, and am placing the new pins for the ships we have been on as I write. We considered it an honor to finally meet you on the Carnival Fantasy on its Inaugural cruise out of Charleston, SC. As with all the guests, you truly made our cruise memorable, and justified our total loyalty to Carnival. Also I’d like to express my honor of being called Mr. Carnival by you, Todd Wittmer, and the Carnival employees. It is something I do not take lightly, and will represent the title with respect and pride. We look forward to seeing you again, if not before, on the Inaugural cruise of the Carnival Magic in Europe this coming May. By the way, I will be wearing my chinstrap when on the Lido deck from now on! God Bless you, Heidi, & Kye and please extend our thanks to all again who had a part in my trademark replacement.

Carnival is truly “Fun For ALL, All For Fun”

Mr & Mrs. Carnival
Michael & Cheri Bolcho

John Says:
Hello Michael and Cheri Bolchoz

I saw how sad Mr. Carnival was when your hat blew overboard and thanks to my colleagues and the wonderful Stephanie Herrera we were able to put a smile on his face once again. I am glad we got to sail together on the Carnival Fantasy and it will be great to see you and your chin strapped hat on your Carnival Magic. Stay out of the wind.

Best wishes to you both
John

Charlene Bartlett from cruise critic Asked:
Hello There. I would love to make reservation for myself and 15 year old son for the Captain’s dinner.

My son is mature and has a life-threatening, chronic and fatal illness. He has a great love of cruising. We started sailing in Dec. 2008 after his health stabilized, after 300 admissions to hospital.

My son likes cruising more than Disney World. In fact, he prefers Carnival over Disney cruise lines!!!!

We sail on the Carnival Miracle on December 21, 2010. We are in cabin 5238. Could you help make this a Christmas Cruise to remember?

Many Thanks
Charlene Bartlett (Charley)

John Says:
Hello Charlene Bartlett from Cruise Critic

You know Charlene, I just got a huge telling off my another Cruise Critic member about helping people and then I read your posting which once again is proof positive that I should, when I can, help as many people as I am able.

I am so sorry to hear about your son and obviously we will do all we can to make this a cruise and a Christmas that he won’t ever forget. I am not sure what you mean by Captain’s Dinner. If you mean the captain’s table then that may be difficult because during the Christmas cruises all the dining room tables are used due to the high count of guests. But what I will do is ask the Captain to meet your son and have a special photo taken with him. So, as it is a little early can I ask that on November 10 you send your name, cabin number and sailing date again and I will arrange something special for him. It will be an honour to do this so please don’t forget to write.

Best wishes to you both
John

That’s all for today and thanks so much for a great week of comments.

It looks like shopping is going to be a very exclusive experience on Cunard’s Queen Elizabeth…

Cunard Announces Fortnum & Mason at Sea and Other Luxury Retail Firsts for Queen Elizabeth

Iconic Partnerships Also Include Chopard, Hackett and Harris Tweed

19 August 2010 - Ever since Queen Mary entered service in 1936, Cunard’s Queens have been famous for offering the best on board shopping featuring some of the finest luxury brands and gifts from around the world. The new Queen Elizabeth, which enters service in October 2010, will be no exception.

Queen Elizabeth’s Royal Arcade will feature iconic products from Fortnum & Mason. Since 1707, Fortnum & Mason has been the quintessential English store situated in the heart of London’s Piccadilly and issued with two Royal warrants. On board, Fortnum & Mason will offer unique teas, preserves, biscuits and gifts.

“Decades of experience have told us that on board shopping is important to our guests and Cunard has an unrivalled reputation for providing the finest shopping at sea,” said Peter Shanks, president of Cunard Line. “Queen Elizabeth will be no exception in this regard and I am very excited with the range that will be offered by high-quality world-famous brands that are a perfect fit for our brand and our guests.”

In addition to Fortnum & Mason, shoppers on board Queen Elizabeth will be able to purchase other brands that have never before been available at sea. The new Cunarder will be the only ship in the world to feature the following luxury products:

• Hackett: Men’s Designer Clothing by Hackett of London, producers of the finest authentic and classic menswear and “The home of the essential British kit”
• Harris Tweed: World-renowned for their genuine hand-woven Scottish woollen fabrics
• Anya Hindmarch: English fashion accessories designer who always had a passion for bespoke details; Queen Elizabeth will feature the latest bespoke designs on board

Queen Elizabeth will also offer:

• Chopard: For 150 years, Chopard has offered watches and jewellery of exceptional quality, exclusively created to the highest standards in Geneva. To celebrate the launch of Queen Elizabeth, the company has produced the Chopard Queen Elizabeth watch – a limited edition watch combining the dual branding of Chopard and Cunard and available at $18,000; both luxury and heritage brands.
• Penhaligons: Fragrances and gifts for men and women including perfume, aftershave, cologne, eau de parfum, body lotion and bath oil. Issued with two Royal warrants and made in England using the finest rare ingredients from bergamot to jasmine.
• Aspinal of London: Founded on the fundamental premise of offering their customers the most beautiful objects of unsurpassed quality and design for home and living, Aspinal of London is best known for their hand-made leather photo albums, leather wallets and purses, leather journals, wedding albums and guest books in both classic and contemporary designs. The signature collection on Queen Elizabeth will capture the Cunard luxury trademark.

To celebrate Queen Elizabeth’s introduction, three brands have launched special items:

• Clogau: The jeweller to The Queen has produced a gold Queen Elizabeth limited edition pendant exclusively for Cunard.
• Rotary: A specially-commissioned Queen Elizabeth watch will only be available on board the new Cunarder.
• Halcyon Days: The company has commissioned a special pill box that links the heritage of the brand with luxury at sea.

Now that is some very special shopping indeed. There are three famous stores in London. Harrods, Selfridges and Fortnum and Mason and the only one with a Royal decree is the Fortnum and Mason which will now be found on the Queen Elizabeth…………absolutely spiffing.

I love the theatres on the Carnival ships but………..I would relish the chance to perform in the theatre on the Queen Elizabeth…………..here’s why.

As I have said many times before, the entertainment director Alistair is one lucky chap and what a feeling it must give him to know that very soon that stage will be his to perform on. It doesn’t look like I will be going to attend the naming ceremony. It’s all a little complicated and would mean I would have to be off the Carnival Splendor for two weeks as the ceremony will be on a Monday. I would love to go, I mean, who wouldn’t want to be there to witness the launch of the ship carrying the name of our Monarch and flying the flag of the world’s most famous ocean liner company?

But I work for Carnival Cruise Lines and this is where it gets a bit complicated and ……. well ……… I understand that they want me here……..entertaining the guests on this ship. So, I will have to rely on our man in London and Cunard’s President Mr. Peter Shanks for a first hand report on what is sure to be an incomparable event.

It’s been one of those cruises. One of those where I spend too much time worrying about the guests who have made comments and complaints and not the vast majority that have had a brilliant time. There have though been a few more complaints than last week and in fact more than I can remember in a long time. Just being honest with you.

It seems that the guests who sail on the Carnival Splendor are generally speaking very much more vocal than the guests I encountered on the Carnival Conquest and Carnival Fantasy. It’s not been one thing, just lots of little things that guests seem to want to tell us about. OK, this is maybe 10% of the guests at the very most but you know me, I want everyone to be happy all the time.. Anyway, that aside the shows have gone well although I felt sorry for the many, many Spanish speaking people who obviously haven’t got a clue at what any of the comedians or indeed I am saying. And while the weather has been great in Mazatlan and Cabo it was pretty awful in PV which didn’t help the mood.

One group who has had a brilliant time has been the kids. Everywhere I walk the children have been high fiving me and saying some of the catchphrases that have sprung up during the cruise. Because of the very high Spanish speaking count this week I decided to call myself “Julio” during the second night show. And now all the guests, especially the kids are calling me Julio. This morning I was walking to the coffee shop when a 10-year-old stopped me and said “Can I have a photo with you Julio?” I told him of course he could upon which he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Eye Phone and gave it to my assistant Stephanie to take……..10 years old….with an Eye Phone…………California…………..gotta love it.

So on Thursday night I hosted the talent show. One of the acts was a 13 year old young lady who played the violin. Now……..normally our age limit is 16 to take part as we offer a Camp Carnival/Circle C talent show as well. However, I had no choice but to let this young lady in the show……….not because she insisted but because her mother did. Trust me………there is nothing worse than a “stage mum.”

OK, there are lots of things worse than a stage mum including realising your French and being eaten alive by a pack of rabid dogs. However, pretty high up on the list of nasty things is a mum who wants her sibling to be “a star.” And so right from the start of this cruise I have been bombarded with letters and messages and phone calls from Mrs. Stagemom. I had originally told her “no” but then came the shouting, the screaming, the tantrum and the tears……….that’s the mum by the way…….not her daughter. And so because the mother told me between the sobs and the hysterics that “I had ruined her daughters cruise” and that “I would regret it when she became famous that I hadn’t allowed her on stage,” I gave in and allowed her daughter to perform.

I felt so sorry for her daughter. She was lovely and you could tell that she would have been happy not to have performed and just hang out with her friends as she nervously stood in front of 1,500 people and played a piece of music by Mozart. It was nice…..and the audience appreciated it. Was she spectacularly amazing …… nope…..but it made her day and her cruise….not hers of course …….her mother’s. Also in the talent show I did my bedtime story……and honestly ………I am really getting too old to do this and if it wasn’t for the fact that so many expect it of me and because the audience for some reason roll on the floor laughing hysterically I wouldn’t do it anymore. It would be less painful to stick my thingy in a live electrical socket. I will prepare a video of what happened to me last night and post it sometime next week.

I see that some of you asked to be my friend on my Facebook thingy page and that is very flattering. When my friend and colleague Stephanie “Tofu” Leavitt told me she had started me a Facebook page thingy my only worry was that someone might post a photo of me naked with a rose sticking out of my bottom, with a pencil up my nose. Or that an ex-girlfriend would tell the world that my thingy was the size of a golf pencil………..so far this hasn’t happened.

However, last night I received an e mail from someone else at Carnival that told me that there are apparently more formidable risks attached to social networking on Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. That’s because this email showed an article by a Dr. Aric Sigman who blames social networking for narrow arteries, heart disease, cancer, genetic alterations, dementia – and death.

Bugger………well that’s me dead then because I have 6,930,000 hits on the blog thingy and 3,600 friends on my Facebook. Hopefully he is talking bollocks but……….I can see the compulsiveness in sitting behind the computer………..in a pair of underpants …… Facebooking …… Twittering …… Blogging…………E Mailing ……….and searching the web for photos of naked Latvians. But there are other dangers as well………especially for the middle aged person like me who understands bugger all about computers. I also don’t understand that if life is so wonderful …….. why did God create French people………………but that’s another story.

There are certain things a middle aged fat bloke from Essex can do to humiliate himself. You can dance in public. You can try to buy fashionable clothes in a department store, only to be told by the wafer-thin 18-year-old salesperson “They aren’t made in your size, sir.” I can fart ….. Loudly ……… when you’re sitting opposite that attractive girl from Carnival’s marketing department or indeed my arse could explode during my one and only ever massage. You can be overtaken by an 80-year-old when you are walking around the jogging track. And, you can try to get involved in the backstage conversation with the 20-something dancers who are talking about Lady Ga Ga and end up looking a total and utter plonker (www.urbandictionary.com)…….look that word up ………….it’s a great word.

But is there any humiliation more likely to make your buttocks clench together and sweat drip down your inner thigh………than a visit to a computer shop?  The last time I had to buy a Lap Top I felt such a total arse. “Is it wireless-enabled?” I asked, using a form of words I had memorised from a conversation with one of the 344 Stephanies.

“Of course,” the spotty youth behind the counter answered as if I had asked if he had ever had rumpy pumpy…………… “These days they all are.”

Well I had taken the thing home and I remember telling you on the blog how the sodding thing wouldn’t work and how I had to go back to the store.  And when I did another spotty kid had already decided I was an idiot. Whatever happened to the old saying: “The customer is always right”? The youth picked one of his zits, looked me over, made a swift judgment about my age, gave a weary sigh, and said: “You’re just not connecting it right. Let me show you.”

A small crowd gathered to watch what is probably a daily ritual at these Best Buy type stores ………………  the Public Ridiculing of a Stupid Old Git.

And it’s the same on the ship and I imagine it’s the same in the office in Miami. You call the HELP desk and even as you listen to the on hold stuff about Carnival’s fun for all vacation, you are already dreading the conversation with the IT guys who will be able to fix your problem in a second while scribbling the words “thick as sh*t” on their work pads.  If we knew how to mend it, we’d do it. Most of us haven’t a clue about computers and faced with malfunctions will press every control in sight and only when all hope is lost will I give in and call the IT beards. If men are from Mars then Bob the IT man is from the planet Patang!

Oh and one more thing……..am I the only one who wants to beat Bill Gates over the head with my keyboard when that bloody paperclip man pops up on my screen?

Next week is going to be very exciting for those of you who have been awaiting more news on the Carnival Magic. If you are one of those…….I think you may like next week……starting on Monday’s blog.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

You see, the problem is that while we weren’t looking, a coup has taken over places like schools, government, television, the police, the armed forces and of course……cruise ships. Yes, it’s not the head teacher or the general or the captain who’s in charge any more……… nope ………. it’s the man…..or woman…….standing in a corner of Lido Deck…….with a clipboard …….. wearing sensible shoes and a high visibility jacket

As a result the bridge of a cruise ship is like a scene from on an old Soviet submarine movie where everyone of us is now under the direct control of a political commissar whose sole job is to make sure that nobody falls over, trips up or hurts themselves while having fun.

So when I mentioned to someone in the office that I would like to bring back a modern-day version of pillow fighting the lights went up, the shutters came down and with klaxons blaring, we surfaced, special forces stormed my cabin and I am now writing this blog from a Siberian jail ……………..in my underpants.

I had tried to explain to the clipboard brigade that we did this event for years and tried to explain how much fun it was. I had to pause for a few moments while the man with the high visibility jacket grabbed a dictionary and looked up the word “fun.”

I then said that we could buy some big thick mats and use light fluffy pillows for guests to hit each other with but it was to bugger all avail. It would involve they said employing paramedics and buying neck braces.

And I miss the old days before e-mail. Before direct phone lines to the office where if you wanted to try something new that you truly thought would work……you did it……it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission. These days, you have to fill in a compliance form which makes sure that you’re complying with every single piece of safety and PC stuff, no matter how trivial. The trouble is that by the time you’ve done this you have forgotten what your idea was in the first place.

Actually, you don’t even have time to fill in the forms because usually you’re away on a course, watching safety films on how guests should hold the hand rail when climbing the stairs. At the start of the video it showed an actor tripping going down the stairs on the Carnival Fascination. I thought it was the start of a new TV program “Guests Do The Silliest Things”…… but apparently it’s supposed to demonstrate how things can go wrong.

And I guess it’s not their fault. That’s because we live in a world where companies are so scared that people will sue for just about anything. I guess I just don’t understand how in the 1990s we did pillow fighting and the belly flop contest and the male nightgown and and and……..but today ………….we can’t. Maybe the world has moved on, maybe the company has moved on and maybe it’s me that is the dinosaur……………….maybe I am a Megasorearse!

Time for today’s questions………………off we go.

Betty Williams Asked:
Dear John,

I have not written to you before but I really enjoy your blog. You are a very entertaining man, I love your sense of humor.

I am writing to ask a favor. We are sailing on the conquest, on nov 7th and we are seated for the early dining. This will be my friends first cruise and my fourth. Would it be possible to be seated along the upper rail at a four top or a two top table if possible? We enjoy meeting new people but some together time would be nice also.

Thanks in advance for your time and trouble, and please always keep your “off the wall” sense of humor.

Betty Williams

John Says:
Hello Betty Williams

Thanks for writing for the first time. It is always nice to welcome new friends to the blog thingy. I would indeed be happy to help you with your table request. Please can I ask that you send me this request again on October 1st and I will make sure I send it onto the ship? If I do so now it may get lost. I hope you continue to enjoy the blog and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Best wishes
John

Dave Carson Asked:
Hi John! (Please Reply)

Is it likely or even possible that you will be the CD on Carnival Magic’s October 2011 transatlantic crossing? If your answer is in the affirmative, I’ll book it!

Thanks,
Dave

John Says:
Hello Dave

Well, it’s funny you should ask because I discussed this very subject with Chris P and the beards at Miami HQ just a few days ago. The answer is yes……….probably I will be the CD. Normally I don’t do the TA’s because ……well…….quite honestly they are very challenging but most of all I hate being at sea for 6 days. Not because I hate being at sea but because I hate being out of contact with my family and should (God forbid) anything bad happen, I have no way of getting to them. It looks though that this time I will because I have to be in Galveston for the first cruises from there and it would seem unfair to have another CD host the TA and then tell him or her to bugger off when they reach Texas. So, I have asked Heidi and Kye to come with me and at the moment it looks like she will and that means that yes………I will be the CD for your Carnival Magic’s trans-Atlantic voyage. Sorry about my rambling there. I am sure you were looking for a yes or no answer but I just wanted to explain myself properly. I am honoured though that you would consider sailing if I was there. I am happy to say therefore that barring any unforeseen circumstances that we shall be there together.

Best wishes,
John

Wil-da-beast Asked:
John (please reply)

My family and I just got off the Carnival Conquest and everyone had the best time. But first and foremost THANK YOU so much for the gift. We really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Next of importance we have to tell you that this was the first time we did the “any time dining” and enjoyed the experience. Please somehow let all 4 ladies at the podium know how much we appreciated their service. Always smiling, friendly and getting our table for 6 ready as soon as they saw us. Our server De was also the best. Our 2 teenage boys just loved her. After a couple days they would say “we don’t need a menu, we will get whatever De recommends because she gives us the best food” We felt like we were leaving our best friends on the last night. So many hugs and tears and thank you for everything. Won’t take up any more of your time, but please let these special ladies know we will never forget our time with them. And thanks again to you. My very best to you and your family…A&W

John Says:
Hello Wil-da-beast

I am glad you had such a great time on the Carnival Conquest and thank you…….for saying thank you. It was good to read that you enjoyed YTD. I know some are still skeptical about moving from assigned dining to anytime dining and it’s good to read that experienced cruisers enjoyed the flexibility. I will make sure that the staff get to read your testament of praise and once again thanks for taking the time to write and for the kind words.

Best wishes to all.
John

Charles Iley Asked:
Hey John, (no need to reply)

I really enjoy the blog, and am asking for a little favor after all of these years of reading.

You see, my family and I are former loyal royals and Disney-cruise types that found our way onto the Carnival Glory last year on a lark, and we are stuck on Carnival for good. We have raved about it so much that we have coerced my wife’s friend (who will be celebrating her fiftieth birthday with her first ever cruise) and her family to join us and my mom and her friends on the Dream sailing on September 4.

The problem that I have is this: we want to make sure that we are all, ten of us, at the same table for dining. We are all confirmed for early dining. I ask you this because we had an issue with not being seated together on the last cruise, despite linking our reservations. This was corrected by the second night on the Glory, but I am concerned that with ten people in the party, there may not be options available to correct any problems that might exist.

If you can offer a double check to ensure that we will be seated together, I will be forever in your debt. If you can offer some sort of embarrassing decoration for Margo, our 50th birthday celebration victim, it would really start the cruise off right!

Thanks for all of your help!

John Says:
Hello Charles Iley

Welcome to the fun affordable world of Carnival and I am so happy to read that you are now “stuck on Carnival for good.” Please don’t worry about your dining assignment as I know the maitre d’s on your Carnival Dream will do all they can to make sure that they seat you together. Margo can also look forward to a little birthday surprise from me. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

David Templeman Asked:
Hi John, (Reply if you like)

The following is the summary of my first Carnival Cruise…

I’m not going to write a huge write up on this cruise as I feel that I would be beating a dead horse on some issues. This is my 5th cruise, with my 4 previous being NCL Dawn, RCCL Voyager of the Seas, Celebrity Constellation (twice).

Overall, I’d lay it out like this… and I’ll elaborate as I continue.

Embarkment and Disembarkment… perfect… no issues.

Food and Dining Room service: A-

Cabin & Cabin service: A+

Entertainment and Entertainment Staff: C-

General Staff (Gathering, pool, etc): D

Ship: D-

Ports: A (Enough said)

Food and Dining Room Service: We were in the Scarlet Dining room on the 2nd level all the way in the back near the windows. We had a party of 21… which was tough to accommodate … and my TA screwing up our reservation by not linking our group properly. They eventually straightened everything out to our satisfaction (they had put some of our group in Crimson… but after speaking with the maitre d’ we had it straightened out by the 2nd evening). The food was generally good. Everything was cooked to order, and very promptly served. I especially liked the Filet Mignon. Our wait team was Spectacular. They were on top of everything, even assisting with our other table when their service was lacking. I only gave it an A- minus because of an incident with a Bar waitress that left us all with a bad impression. She was trying to straighten out a bill with sodas, and she was downright rude with us. I’d say Carnival beat out the Dining rooms of all our previous cruises… only edging out Celebrity by a little bit. Carnival beats out NCL and RCCL hands down. We did dine in the Chefs Art steak house one evening, and I would say it was on par with RCCL and Celebrity as far as the food… Celebrity’s specialty wins out based on service. BTW… I had a KILLER Ruben sandwich from the deli… (just thought I’d mention that)

Cabin and Cabin Service: We stayed in cabin 7259 which was an OS category. The room was well appointed. I especially liked the bed. Our cabin stewardess… Sparky from Croatia was the best I have ever experienced. She was great. We shared a balcony with our friends next door. Sparky was able to have the partition between them physically removed… so no banging in the night. LOVED her. Carnival wins here.

Entertainment and Entertainment staff: Let me say this first. I don’t expect anyone to entertain me when I get on board… we had a large group of friends and we made our own fun. BUT… the events that we did attend, I found to be a bit “cheap” and unorganized. Our first taste of the entertainment on board started off with the “Fabulous Welcome Aboard Laser Show”… which the system locked up and the couldn’t get the “Fabulous” lasers to work. They eventually got it started… and I have to say… Lame. The staff tried their hardest to keep everyone entertained… kudos there. We left half way through. A few of our group stayed … only to have the entire mixing board in the pool short out… Major buzz kill. “Fabulous Welcome Aboard Laser Show” Bust. (I would not be attending the “Fabulous Laser Show” any more).

The Dancing in the Street show was very good.

The “Fabulous Marty Gras Gala” was downright dumb. I took it like this… 3 or 4 entertainment staff standing at the pool, chucking beads at us while playing music. Now, ok… I understand the theme involves beads… but 1/2 hour of watching teenagers diving for beads while running over my friends 8 and 11 year old children isn’t my idea of “Fabulous”. A simple announcement from the people running the show to allow others to get the beads after you get one or two might have been prudent. It was cheap and frustrating.

The comedians were good. We really enjoyed them.

The CD Todd was non-existent. I think this was his last, or second to last cruise before vacation for him… so… I understand his absence.

General Ship Staff: Rude and not helpful. In one case my wife went to get a cheese burger, only to be told “No more, I’m closed”… and walked away. Now… ok, I can accept that. You’re out… not a problem. Only when my wife saw others walking around with plates with … you guess it… Cheeseburgers… did she realize that the station on the other side of the ship was still open. What would it take for that person to say “I’m sorry, I’m closing, but if you go over to the other side I believe they are still serving hamburgers.” In one case, chairs were taken from the Circle C room … and my daughters group was told that “if you don’t find out what happened to those chairs, someone in here will be charged”. Rude… Unnecessary. I found that in general, no one was really interested in taking that extra step to make things “better”.

Ship: I was expecting more. As the “latest and greatest” I would expect Carnival to have put more thought into the design of this ship. The Gathering is too small for the number of passengers. Photographer’s are stationed in silly places that caused choke points on the “Dream street” (I spend half my life in traffic… do I need it on a ship?). The pools are WAY too small. The slides… I can’t comment on, because the lines were too long to actually use them. My overall impression is that for the size of the ship, and number of passengers (we sailed at capacity) the ship was poorly designed to handle that many passengers.

Summary: My overall impression of this Carnival was neutral. I found that a lot of “little things” were missed. Attention to detail… Just a little bit of effort from the crew would have made a huge difference. In comparing this cruise to my previous experiences… sure, I might have saved a couple hundred dollars, but… I would have rather had the “extras”. I found the majority staff to be apathetic and un-attentive with notable exceptions. Just stepping in to help … maybe organize a line… offer to bring a plate of food that maybe was missing from the buffet line to a passenger rather than that passenger sitting and waiting. Previous reports of smells… I didn’t smell anything bad.

I would never sail on Carnival Dream again.

Would I sail Carnival again? Maybe… I just feel that I’d rather pay a little extra and not feel like something was missing…

Did we have fun… Absolutely. I didn’t expect “perfect” or “relaxing” … simply because of the time of year we sailed. But, I did expect more.

John Says:
Hello David Templeman

There are some who think that I never post somewhat critical reviews on the blog but as you can see they are wrong because posts like this are extremely important. It is also important that I start by saying thank you for taking the time to write and by saying how disappointed I was to read your thoughts. You see, most of the reviews I have seen about the Carnival Dream have been glowing with praise. The ship board staff have worked very hard to correct some minor design difficulties and from what I have read they have succeeded. So imagine my sadness when I read that you thought the crew were not friendly. Yes, the lasers didn’t work and the Mardi Gras party was a massive letdown for you and the other things you mentioned can all be fixed……and will be. But to hear that you perceived the ship’s crew to be rude is far more important and far more upsetting. I can promise you that I have already sent this not only to the ship’s senior management but also the three senior VP’s in charge of the areas you mentioned.

I was though glad to see that the food and service and cabin service all received “A” marks and that overall you had a good time. I do hope you will come back to us again and when you and the family sit around the table to decide where your valuable vacation time will be spent that you will remember the good points and the value for money and that you will talk to me before you make a final choice. I would love to help you look for the perfect Carnival ship and itinerary for you and the family. Thanks again for writing and my best wishes to you and the family.

John

Pnjkeith Asked:
Hey John, Please Respond

Glad to hear the new comedy clubs will be smoking. Any chance cigars will be allowed?

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Pnjkeith

Even though cigars and the comedy club image sort of go together all the Punchliner lounges will be non-smoking.

Best wishes
John

Jennifer Asked:
Hi John, Please reply

I hope that you are having a wonderful vacation so far.

My family and I will be on the Carnival Freedom very soon and are very excited about participating in the Behind the Fun tour. However, I am a little worried that everyone in my family will not be able to get a chance to go on this tour since 7 or 8 of us want to do it. Is there a possibility of even having more than two tours for each sailing if the first two become full?

Thanks,
Jennifer

John Says:
Hello Jennifer

Due to the length of the Behind the Fun tour we can only offer two per cruise on longer length voyages. Please don’t worry though as we are usually able to accommodate everyone but it is popular but please go straight to the shore excursion desk on deck 3 when you board so that you reserve your spot for this popular and very informative tour.

I wish you and the family a wonderful cruise

Best wishes
John

Letiziaam Asked:
John Please Reply

Hello John I enjoy reading your blog. Lots of valuable info, and many funny stories. However I have never written a comment. I hope to someday be on a ship that you’re on, I would love to meet you. I am a Platinum cruiser with Carnival 1st cruise I took with Carnival was on the Festivale it was a much smaller ship but one of my most memorable vacations. I am surprising my husband for his birthday in September and taking him on a 4 day cruise on the Carnival Destiny. He has had a tough few months, He has lost vision on one of his eyes and lost his job and I want to surprise him and maybe have him forget for a few days and have a good time. I would like to ask you a favor if possible, do you think you can maybe sent him a little gift (ship on a stick or anything else). He will be very surprised that Carnival did that for his Birthday. I would really appreciate that. Thank you again.

John Says:
Hello Letizaam

Goodness me how things have changed since the Festivale. I never got to work on her but everyone who has tells me that she was incomparable. I will certainly send him something to cheer him up after the tough few months he has had. I know he will have a brilliant time and with your love and support that he will get through the tough times.

I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

John

Ryan Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY

We are thinking of planning an Alaska cruise for next summer. I have my eye on the Carnival Spirit. We have a budget to work on though, and we don’t think we can afford a balcony cabin, even though we would really want to have one to see the sights through. If we end up with just an inside cabin, can we still see the sights up on deck? Or is it always crowded?

Also, any tips for cold-weather cruising? I’ve never cruised anywhere that wasn’t at least 80° before. Have you ever CD’ed on an Alaska cruise?

Have a great week off!

Thanks in advance,
Ryan

John Says:
Hello Ryan

This is a great question and I can certainly answer some of it. However, I have never sailed in Alaska and my tips for cold weather cruising are limited. I just e-mailed the CD on the Carnival Spirit Stuart Dunn who told me that there is certainly plenty of space on the vast open deck space to see everything that glorious Alaska has to offer.

Certainly, being on a budget is understandable and my advice would be to budget as much as you can on the superb excursions that the ports have to offer. Now, this is where I call upon the many bloggers who have sailed to Alaska and who I kindly ask to post any tips that they feel will make your cruise even more enjoyable. So blogger friends……over to you.

I know you will have a wonderful time

Best wishes
John

Maurie Morgan Asked:
John (Please reply)

I hope you are enjoying your vacation and I realize that it may be 2 or 3 weeks until I see a reply. I have been reading and watching your replies on your bloggy thingy and I haven’t seen the formal nights for my Carnival Miracle. I definitely want to take advantage of the steak house, but don’t want to do it on the formal nights or the night that lobster is offered in the dining room. How picky is that? We don’t sail until Feb 23, so there is really no hurry, except it makes me feel closer to the time that my Carnival Miracle will be sailing away from the port in Fort Lauderdale.

It will be a special cruise for me as I will be celebrating my 50th birthday, any excuse for a cruise and a celebration. Would love to know who the cruise director will be. I have cruised twice with you as the director. Hope you enjoy your days off with your family. Even the arguing!!

John Says:
Hello Maurie Morgan

I am glad you have been enjoying the blog thingy. Let’s have a look at the elegant nights for your February 23 on the Carnival Miracle.

Wednesday, Feb 23 Ft Lauderdale, FL 4:00pm

Thursday, Feb 24 Fun Day At Sea – ELEGANT

Friday, Feb 25 Grand Turk 7:00am 3:00pm

Saturday, Feb 26 Dominican Republic 9:00am 5:00pm

Sunday, Feb 27 Aruba 12:00pm 10:00pm

Monday, Feb 28 Curacao 8:00am 4:00pm

Tuesday, Mar 01 Fun Day At Sea – ELEGANT

Wednesday, Mar 02 Fun Day At Sea

Thursday, Mar 03 Ft Lauderdale, FL 8:00am

I love this itinerary and how wonderful it is to see the word Aruba there once again. I hope you keep reading and enjoying the blog thingy and why not send me a reminder before you cruise so I can send you a birthday something.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and there will be another 10 questions answered tomorrow. Let’s see what the guests are having for dinner tonight

The pork chop is sensational but my favourite dish is the Sliced Beef Tenderloin & Noodle Salad. What would you have?

One of the joys of being here on the Carnival Splendor was meeting up again with one of my favourite people………….here he is………………………Miguel…………the senior maitre d.

1. Where are you from? I was born in South Africa of Portuguese/Irish lineage ……… yes, I know, I am just as confused!?!?! I presently live in Madeira, where my paternal family originates from.
2. Please tell us about your journey so far at Carnival Cruise Lines. What were your first jobs and how did you end up as a Senior Maitre D for Carnival? Well, too many jobs to mention before joining Carnival on January 19, 2000 on the wonderful Holiday in San Pedro, California. I remember my first day and walking around the terminal at the crew entrance and seeing this HUGE ship….and now in comparison to the Carnival Splendor, the Holiday is sooooo tiny, but will always have a special place in my heart. I started as a headwaiter and progressed from there to where I am today….and I credit all the crew and managers I worked with along the way to making me who I am today. I will always be indebted to them.
3. Your family must be very proud of you. Do you have a big family at home? I am one of 3 boys, and both my brothers, who are both successful businessmen, live in South Africa with their wonderful families I also have 2 nieces and 2 nephews…who I love spoiling rotten when I am home. I love my family soooooo much and miss them tremendously when I am onboard.
4. How many crew are in your department and how many different countries do they come from? We have the largest department onboard with 268 crew from 28 different nationalities in the Restaurant Department…with the biggest groups of crew hailing from Indonesia and Philippines. The next largest department is housekeeping with 221 crew.
5. The reservation system is a mystery to most of us. So, as simply as you can, please tell us how you decide who sits with who and at what table. All guests specify what time they would like to dine when booking the cruise. Should their requested time still be available, they are then confirmed to their requested time. Should the guests not receive their preferred time, then they are given the alternate option or are waitlisted for their requested time. When seating the guests we always seat the guests according to their “category,” e.g. travelling together, groups, families, couples, singles, etc. to assist us in seating them correctly. We then seat couples of the same age bracket together, families with other families, singles with singles, etc. This way the guests have something in common when seated with other guests. It sounds more difficult than it really is ….more like a huge puzzle and I then have to try get the right piece to fit in at the right table.
6. What do you think the most important qualities that make the best maitre d’s? Personality, charisma and plenty of patience
7. What have been some of the most unusual requests/complaints you have received? Too many to mention, but the most unusual one was to be a Best Man for a couple that got married on the ship, as they wanted a ship officer in his white uniform………and still to this day do not know who they are, because I never saw them for the rest of the cruise (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ………say no more!!)
8. What is your favourite appetizer, main course and desert from our dinner menus? Appetizer: Antipasti on the Lunch Menu in the restaurant, Main Course is Prime Rib and Dessert…..The warm Melting Chocolate Cake WITH a fruit platter on the side. I then dip the fruit in the warm melting chocolate and have my own little chocolate Fondue …….Sinful, but Heavenly!
9. You are very funny on the microphone and your ability to entertain the guests at dinner is superb. What is your favourite dinner time joke and your favourite song/dance that the waiters do? I don’t really know jokes……well, maybe only for 5 minutes, then I forget them. I love to join the crew dancing and you will DEFINITELY find me dancing on the side stands along with the best of them…and my favourite (spelt correctly) dance is “Shake, Shake, Shake” and the reason why is because I only shake once and the rest just keeps shaking on its own…….like a giant jellyfish!!
10. And to get to know you better, please fill in the blanks:Your favourite Caribbean port……….Nassau …(because no matter how many times you go there, you will ALWAYS find something new to do) and Half Moon Cay for it’s unspoilt beauty.Your favourite non Caribbean port……FUNCHAL, MADEIRA…..the Pearl of the Atlantic … and HOME!Your favourite wine on our menu……Bin # 275 — Barons De Rothschild Lafitte, Reserve Speciale, Bordeaux. ……..and only $29.00!!!Your favourite restaurant on land and what do you like to eat there……It is on the island of Madeira……a very small restaurant on the cliff overlooking the beach of Calheta with the most amazing views and food. It is called Convente das Freiras da Vinha………as it is in an old converted convent. My favourite (spelt correctly) meals there are the most amazing fish soup (sopa de Peixe) and the grilled Sardines (Sardinhas Assadas), served with an ice cold Sagres beer–which is made in Madeira……!! PERFECTION!And if you were serving a table on the Carnival Splendor who would you choose to sit there?
    • One famous actor……Sean Connery, who I have had the honour of meeting and serving …. THE BEST 007 EVER!!!!
    • One famous actress……Sandra Bullock…..she has the cheekiest smile, a naughty glint in the eye……and is very funny
    • Somebody from the cruise industry…..Mr. Ken Byrne………..my mentor.…and he can serenade us at dinner.
    • Somebody to make you laugh…..Comedians Russell Peters and Al Ernst …….OH BOY!! Imagine an Indian and Southern Redneck conversation……and the difference in accents!!! (**,)
    • Your favourite Captain…..ALL the Captains I have sailed under have and are brilliant men, but I must admit to being a little more biased towards Captain Marco Nogara as my all-time favourite (spelt correctly..)
    • One person from history you wish you could meet………Mr. Nelson Mandela……..a true gentleman and icon.
    • ……AND……..we would all be served by John Heald ……….TOTAL CHAOS!

I have read many, many times here on the blog thingy just how much Miguel is adored and why so many ask me to be seated in his dining room. It was also wonderful to see that he refers to his mentor as Ken Byrne, because I see so many similarities in their levels of hospitality and there absolute commitment to making sure that the guests have the very best of times in their dining room. If you are cruising on the Carnival Splendor then try and make sure you meet Miguel…. he is absolutely brilliant.

On Tuesday we had the past guest party and out of the 1,400 past guests I would say that a total of 800 or so showed up between the two parties which we hold at 4 pm and 5 pm. The rest are probably children, it’s amazing how many children you see with Platinum cards. Anyway, I made some changes to the entertainment during the parties and had our beautiful and so very talented Production Singer Adrianne Hall entertain the guests along with the superb Jimmy Boore Big Band. They finished with a beautiful ballad called “I hope you dance”….and as you will see here………….they did.

Still, we have some work to do with this past guest party and we must make a new video. The one I made that the ships show now and that you have all seen is a bit old……we even still have a computer generated video of your Carnival Dream. So, I have asked the beards to see if they can look at making a new one, adding your Carnival Magic and the Carnival Breeze. The loyalty program is so very important to us and to you of course which is why it continues to be a subject of great importance and a special group of people at Carnival continue to look at ways we can make it even better. I promise to let you know how they intend to do this as soon as I can.

So last night (Wednesday) I was woken around 2:30 am by a very loud noise. It took a few moments for me to register what it was because I had been dreaming about a huge plate of Tony Roma’s ribs served by a Latvian wearing very tight shorts and long black socks……..I know …….. I need help. Anyway, at first I thought it was my arse…….I had a vegetarian curry for dinner ……. but then realized that not even I could produce such a sound.

Then I realized……..it was thunder. I new this because suddenly my cabin was lit up as though 2,000 paparazzi had seen Megan Fox’s bottom had a tattoo on it that read “This is for you John ” on it. Anyway, I have been at sea 23 years next week and I have never seen anything like this. The storm was over the ship for a good 40 minutes. There was no wind, just torrential horizontal rain and massive claps of thunder and outrageous bursts of lightning. You would have to drunk 29 shots of Tequila or be dead not to wake up from this storm.

In fact, it’s what all the guests are talking about today………and one more than others.

Guest: Ms ————Ref: 842020749B
Cabin: ———– Added-Changed: 08/12/10 – 08/12/10

Scared by storm

Gst came to the desk holding her life jacket very upset. Gst stated that she had heard the thunder and the storm outside and wanted the Captain to make an announcement that everything was good and the ship was not in danger. GSA advised that everything was OK and that we could not make an announcement as it was very early in the morning. It was 2:40am when gst came to desk. Gst stayed in lobby and spoke to GSA until storm stopped. Nothing further.

I read this when I woke this morning and recognized the cabin number straight away. Yep, it was the lady who had been scared of the coat hangers and the towel animals and if she was going to be on edge about these two things I knew that the storm must have upset her. So, I called her this morning and asked if she was OK. She had indeed been very scared and I calmed her saying that the ship was never in danger and that everything was OK. Changing the subject a bit I asked if with all her concerns if she was having a good time on the ship. Oh yes she said, I am having a great time, the staff are wonderful and last night I won $900 on the slot machine. I guess the noise of machines paying out $900 doesn’t make her nervous then. Anyway, it was a very big storm and fascinating to watch out of the window.

So the other day I was doing my Fun Ashore, Fun Aboard talk and mentioned that the film Predator had been filmed in P.V. Actually, that’s not what I said. What I actually said was that the movie Predator starring Arnold Schwarzenegger………and when I did…………….at least 20% of the 800-strong audience………booed……………I had no idea he was so unpopular.

I made an apology to the audience and then pretended to cough stating that I needed to go back stage and get a glass of water and as I did I said…….”I’ll be back”……..OK, it was a pathetic joke but it cleared the air.

I know bugger all about state politics in America. The only thing I remember about Governor Arnold was seeing him on the news a year or so ago terminating text books from schools saying that they were old fashioned or something like that. I also know that he once referred to opposition politicians as “girly men” which I have to admit I found very funny. But I guess rising unemployment and house prices that are falling quicker than the bad guys in some of his movies …………….Arnold is not exactly Mr. Popular.

So, what will he do when his political life is over and one of the “girly men” takes his place? Will he go back to being a movie star? Will he star in Predator 9? Surely not. Not even the Spielbergs of this world are clever enough to write a film where the universe’s most advanced hunters who look like Whoopi Goldberg have trouble outwitting a rich old bloke with a dodgy German accent.

If they do re-make the movie and Arnold stars in it, I think the plot will have to change a bit from the original. The Predator has given up hunting humans and skinning them alive. Instead it has become a door to door salesman selling nonexistent life insurance to the elderly… but he picked the wrong vulnerable old man in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Then, rather than coat himself in mud as he did in the original movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger accidentally defeats the Predator’s heat vision by popping his colostomy bag, skidding about in his own urine until he’s covered in it and lying there for three days. He won’t be saying “I’ll be back” but instead will be shouting “Oh, my back”…….waiting for Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone to him help him up again.

One thing’s for sure………..I won’t be mentioning Arnie’s name again.

Hasta la vista…………baby.
John

Yep, I have the greatest admiration for famous people who know that any tiny little mistake will have them splashed across the internet on www.celebritiesfartingandpickingtheirnose.com.

I did meet one famous person who though does not conform to the norm. His name will mean nothing to you but let me tell you it anyway……….it’s Jimmy Savile………….actually that’s wrong ………it’s Sir Jimmy Savile. I had the honour of sitting and talking with Sir Jimmy for two hours while on the Queen Victoria and he is quite the character.

Sir Jimmy was the most famous DJ on BBC radio before becoming the most recognizable face on British TV. He started with a show called Top of the Pops which was a live broadcast and a show that went on to run for many, many years. The first show was launched on New Year’s Day in 1964, a year before I was born. During the show Jimmy Savile introduced a new band called the Rolling Stones as well as Dusty Springfield and The Beatles, who played the week’s No. 1……a song called………….I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

He is also known as the driving force behind one of the UK’s most famous hospitals. Sir Jimmy Savile led the £12m fundraising drive for the National Spinal Injuries Centre at Stoke Mandeville hospital in Buckinghamshire. He told me that he persuaded the Duke of Edinburgh’s office to send a letter signed by Philip thanking a multi-millionaire businessman for offering his services even though the help had not yet been forthcoming. The letter sealed the deal and the hospital was born.

He has run 127 marathons for various charities, the last one when he was 70 years old.  But it is for a program called Jim’ll Fix It that he is best known. This Saturday night prime time was hosted by Sir Jimmy who know is never seen without a cigar in his mouth and a huge gold and diamond bracelet on his wrist. The shows premise was for kids and adults alike to write in and basically ask for their dreams to come true. Sir Jimmy told me that the show would receive an average of 200,000 letters a week and that choosing which to honour was very difficult.

Now, at this point I was a little embarrassed because I myself had written in to the show asking to fly on Concord…..but the bugger never wrote back and my dream never came true. He had a kid box Mohammed Ali and one sang with ABBA (poor sod) and……well the list of what he “fixed” is extraordinary.  But for many people they did and before I continue I thought you might like to see Sir Jimmy in action.

Now there are two links between myself and Sir Jimmy because even though he ignored my request to go supersonic he did fix it for a group of scouts to eat their lunch on a rollercoaster. Here is the clip of that and I will explain the link in a moment.

Did you recognize one of them……………yep………….the young lad with the dark hair is actually one of our cruise directors………none other than………….Wee Jimmy.

I told Sir Jimmy this and he laughed a lot remembering that fix it well. Sir Jimmy Savile was knighted by the Queen for his charitable services and now at age 80 something he relaxes by taking a Cunard voyage. He is quite the Cunard fan and holds court in the Churchill’s Cigar Bar talking of his adventures on the QE2 and how he thanks Carnival for investing in Cunard as he firmly believes that if they hadn’t that not even he would have been able to fix it for Cunard to still exist today. Sir Jimmy is eccentric for sure but he is a brilliant ambassador for his beloved Cunard and it was a true honour to meet him.

Here we are, in the cigar bar……..yes, the cigar bar……sharing stories, a fine cigar and our love of cruising. Oh…..and I asked him if he could fix it for me to see Megan Fox’s bottom up close and personal.

Time for some questions……….off we go.

William Jordan Asked:
Hello John (please reply)

Just found out about this blog and have had a grand time reading through the postings. My wife and I have cruised Royal Caribbean before but have booked two Carnival cruises. This will be our first experience with Carnival. One is the Fascination in December 2010, but the really important one is our 5th anniversary cruise on the Valor 9/4/2011. We booked the aft balcony 8450 and can not wait.

Our son will be three years old and will be going onboard the Valor for his very first cruise!

We have two questions — does Carnival serve a cider onboard? And what night would you recommend doing the Scarlett’s Steakhouse. We made the flip to Carnival for a couple of reasons — one, believe it or not, is the Behind the Fun tour I have read about. My wife says I am crazy, but I told her I wanted to do the one on the Fascination in December 2010 and the one on Valor in September 2011 because the I heard the five day cruise tour is different than the seven day cruise tour? Can you back me up?

Thanks!

John Says:
Hello William Jordan

Thank you first of all for booking two cruises with Carnival. I am sure you had a good time on the “Whatcamacallit of the Seas” but I am very confident that you will find more fun, better service, great food and a massive dollop of affordability on our fun for all ships. I also know your son will have a great time as well and Camp Carnival will become a big hit with him.

To answer your first question, yes, we do serve a cider and it’s one called Strongbow. Back in the day when I used to have a drink or two, Strongbow cider was a favourite tipple of mine. Have you tried it? Actually, it’s not too crazy to want to do The Behind the Fun tour on both ships as they are different class vessels and you will see just how far technology has come in places like the bridge and the engine control room from the Carnival Fascination to the Carnival Valor. So yes, you are right to want to take both.  Both these tours will take place on the last sea day and therefore I recommend either Tuesday or Wednesday as the perfect night to experience the steakhouse.

I am glad you have found my little blog thingy and if you have any questions before you sail, please let me know

Best wishes to you all
John

Audra Hough Asked:
PLEASE REPLY- URGENT!

We are going on the Valor on August 15th and my 14 year old son has Asperser’s (autism spectrum disorder). On the outside he looks like any other teenager but on the inside he is not.

I asked my TA if we had a letter from his specialists if we could go through the check in process quicker at the ports because depending on the day, time and hour he get extremely over whelmed in long lines and large crowds, he often has “melt downs.” WE are used to it but usually the people around us DO NOT get it at all. Usually we hear those comments on how we are bad parents, we need to control our child, and get bad looks from other families, etc…. (Which we ignore but I know it can be a huge disturbance to other vacationers)

Anyways my TA said she called Carnival but they don’t have any “quicker lines” that when you get there just mention it to someone and maybe you will get lucky.

I was wondering if you have any recommendations our cruise is coming up so fast and I would really like the right answer on what to do in this situation.

Thank you so much ahead of time! I really do appreciate any information and help you can give.

John Says:
Hello Audra Hough

I am sure that travelling with your son can be a stressful experience and it is a shame that this stress is multiplied because of the way some people feel it is their right to judge a situation that they don’t truly understand. I am going to send this request to our Guest Services folks in Miami and see if they can help you with this request. They will contact you directly. I know that you will find the crew of the Carnival Valor very helpful and sensitive to your needs and please ask them if there is anything that you feel will help you and your son have a more relaxing time on board. I wish you all lots of fun and I am sure you will have a brilliant cruise.

Best Wishes
John

David Poblowski Asked:
John, I need a reply to my question!!!!!!!!!!

I sent you a comment which you have not seen see you have not had the decency to bother replying to. In it I asked why you have screwed the single passenger and that because of your price increase I would not be stepping foot onboard a Carnival ship ever again. Royal Caribbean will get my business from now on as well as many their Cruise Critic readers and the rest of the idiots who read this blog and that continue to get ripped off will definitely be leaving for other lines as well.

John Says:
Hello David Poblowski

I am so sorry that I have not replied to your comment although maybe I have because I for sure have written replies on this subject numerous times. It seems that you are very upset and I am sorry that this has gotten you so annoyed. Here is the official line on the subject one more time in case you missed it.  Yes, we recently implemented a new 200% occupancy policy for single cabins. Due to heightened demand for our product, this increase was one of those opportunities that made sense to us. This change also brings our singles policy in line with our other competitors.

We recognize that some of our single guests will have to pay a little more, but hope they understand that Carnival still continues to offer a terrific value proposition to our customers.

Now, I am no expert but from what I have heard there it seems that many of the other cruise lines have the same tariff as well. I know that you are upset and again I apologize for this, however you reference to people who read this blog and whom cruise with Carnival as “idiots” is uncalled for and I will put this down to your bad mood at the time of writing your posting. Check out your options David and assess the value for money that each line gives and I hope that we will see you back with us on more time.

Until then I send you my best wishes
John

Kathy M. Asked:
Hi John,

Please, Please Reply,

I loved your commentary on the new Holland America Ship, but I do have to ask this. I know how excited the British get when they can meet one of the Royals or even an American when we get to meet our President so I need to know, did Heidi get to meet Princess Maxima? I know that you had said that she was excited about the possibility of meeting her so I was hoping that she would.

I also have to ask, on the second picture of the slide-show, is that little Kye dancing for the crew? She looks like she is really having a fantastic time.

Please give my love to Heidi and Kye,

From your #1 Bloggy Thingy Fan,
Kathy M…

John Says:
Hello Kathy M

It was a true honour for me to meet my first ever Royal on Monday and it was a day I will never forget. Heidi didn’t though actually get to meet Princess Maxima. She tried but the Holland America had to be first of course and she left without getting to meet her. Still, we had a fabulous time. Thanks as always for your continuing support of the blog

Best Wishes
John

Brenda R Asked:
John Please Reply

My husband and I are loyal Carnival cruisers. We have sailed with you, John, on several cruises including the blogger’s cruise.

We just returned from a cruise to Alaska in honor of my parent’s 50th anniversary. Unfortunately, we were not able to select Carnival for this cruise, and had to settle for the Free Style Cruising ship. (ok Norwegian)

I can not adequately tell you how much this made us appreciate Carnival. The food variety on this ship was non- existent. The same food served for lunch on the buffet was also served at dinner, with very few changes. We saw the same meals for 7 days!

If you wanted to get the food that Carnival “normally” serves in the dining room, like a good steak and seafood, you would have to pay extra at their specialty restaurants.

We also missed having our assigned tables/waiters in the main dining room. Yes, we could eat whenever we wanted, but we often had to wait in line for a table and rarely saw our waiter ever again. You just don’t develop the fun relationship that you do with the waiters on a Carnival cruise.

Tips were also higher on this ship and the inside rooms were noticeably smaller than the comparable rooms on Carnival.

I just wanted to tell you thank you for all the great things Carnival does. Sometimes we take the things Carnival just naturally does for granted…until you experience another cruise line.

We will be booking another cruise soon…on Carnival.

Thanks
Brenda

John Says:
Hello Brenda

I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write this posting. I am so very proud of what we do at Carnival and I am sure the people with beards will love reading this review. I hope you had a great time despite your home sickness for Carnival and that it will not be too long before we see you home again.

Best wishes to you and the family
John

Charlene Szwec Asked:
Hello John, Heidi and Kye,

Please respond

This is Charlene Szwec thanking you very much for the wonderful gift you sent to my husband and I for our 40th anniversary on the Carnival Dream June 12th – June 26th.. We had a wonderful time doing the back to back and can’t wait till our next cruise. We’re thinking of going on another Carnival cruise in February, 2011, This time it will only be either a 7 or 8 days cruise. Do you know what ship you will be on then?

The Carnival Dream is absolutely that, a dream. I don’t ever recall seeing so many people having so much fun at one time on any of our other cruises. The ages were from infants to senior citizens and everyone had a ball. The food was fantastic and the open dining is a wonderful accomplishment in cruising. The Serenity deck was amazing. What a wonderful idea that was also.

My only concern was where the kids went for their activities and the Piano Bar being so close and the cigarette smoke from the Piano Bar lingering in the halls where the kids have to go through. I know I didn’t have children on the cruise but if I did I would have been concerned.

Other than that everything was wonderful. Our cabin steward was a wonderful man who told us to call him Kim. Our room was 8472. His helper was also fantastic. The head waiter we had, Tatyana was a wonderful brightness to the end of our hectic days. She was on top of everything, had a great personality and was exceptional at her job. Unfortunately she was sent downstairs for our second week and we were very disappointed. We saw no reason why this happened to her because she was an ace. I highly recommend anyone having her as a head waiter. She deserves the title. Her team was wonderful too. They worked very well as a team. I hope she will be a head waiter when she comes back after her stay at home.

Well, I’m gonna go but I wanted to thank you for everything. You are a wonderful person and Carnival couldn’t have a better person working for them.

Tell Heidi and Kye hello and enjoy your vacation.

PS We did get our laundry done the second week because of becoming Platinum and the little perks were great.

Thanks again,
Charlene Szwec

John Says:
Hello Charlene Szwec

I am so glad you got the gift that I asked ACD James to send you and my thanks to him for taking care of it. I haven’t decided on 2011 just yet. Obviously we have the bloggers cruise in February which will be held on the Carnival Glory and maybe you could come sail with us on that. I will be the CD and I promise you it will be fun. Big Ed will tell you more about his Krewe and what they are up to that week in case you want to know more.

I will make sure that the team on your Carnival Dream get to read that great review which once again highlights the many different age groups of people who have fun on our ships each and every week.  The Piano Bar concept on the Carnival Dream is different as it is an open plan. One side is non smoking and there is a way to access the aft staircase and aft lounges without having to walk through the piano bar but your point is well taken. I am glad the laundry was taken care of and from now on you can you proudly walk up the gangway as a proud, proud Platinum guest.

Best wishes to you all
John

S. B. Abbott Asked:
Dearest John, (please reply; if you wish)

Thank you for replying to my questions… Here is an update from our cruise…

Well as you know the Carnival Ecstasy did not sail on July 1st because of the reminisce of Hurricane Alex’s effect on the port of Galveston. Carnival arranged for discounted hotel rooms in Galveston and our large group (#35) made an excursion out of it @ the San Luis Resort Hotel. They arranged for $99/night compared to $400/night. We enjoyed our stay and the hotel staff was wonderful. We were all pleased with the compensation that Carnival gave us for changing our itinerary to a 3-day Cruise to Nowhere. One question I have is the future discount, is this information logged into the system under the past guest number? We were only given a piece of paper on Thursday when we arrived to board, but it was a general announcement. Once we boarded on July 2nd, the Captain did a great job steering the ship to sunshine and keeping us out of rough seas.

I arranged for my mother & me to take the Behind the Scenes tour. It was fabulous! Vanessa and Gavin welcomed us with breakfast. We toured the several areas of the ship. The entertainment staff’s dressing area; I was shocked they didn’t know that the Ecstasy was relocating to New Orleans. How is the staff made aware of such big changes? We visited the Kitchen where we met Chef De Cuisine Erwin Gomes; and several of his chefs. I was amazed at how quick the swinging door revolves. Ya’ll have some very talented waiters with good timing. We visited the Galley, Engine control room, Laundry facility, Crew’s break-room, eating & training facilities and the Captain’s Deck. Captain Giulio Basso’s 2nd officer (didn’t catch his name) was very helpful and answered all of our questions. Captain Basso was kind and took a picture with our small tour group (#5). Vanessa arranged for the pictured to be delivered to our cabin after the tour concluded. When we returned to our cabin we had a nice surprise from Chef Gomes who sent some sweet treats and a small note of appreciation. We were very pleased with the tour!

Overall the cruise to nowhere was great. The families in our group loved their decorated doors; however it took awhile for them to realize my nephew & I decorated them. Our group truly made the best of the situation. For example, several of us enjoyed the daily bingo games; and on Sunday one of our “new cruisers” won the free cruise during the drawing. The first raffle ticket number drawn was not present; so her number was picked second. We encouraged her to go straight to the Casino to use some of that good luck! Also wanted to give praise to the Maitre D’ of the Wind Star Riccardo for correcting our dinner reservation, my mother & I were the only 2 not included in our group dinner in the Wind Song. He quickly changed our reservations & updated the information. I would also give praise to our room steward, but I didn’t write his name down. Maybe they could give out business cards, or write their name down in the cabin. Also one other suggestion that you might pass along to the beards-It would be very cost effective to place a wrist band on the children (under 18) who purchase drink cards; etc. I think 4 of our kids in the group lost their sail & sign cards…even after placing them on a lanyard. The only obstacle the wrist band would be opening the cabin door. Possibly they could develop a bar-code reader on the doorknob.

I hope I can encourage our group to sail the Carnival Magic when she arrives in Galveston! Thank you again for sharing information on your blog thingy!

John Says:
Hello S.B.Abbott

That’s very interesting indeed. I was so surprised that word had not gotten down to the crew that the Carnival Ecstasy would be repositioning to New Orleans. Certainly the Captain and department heads are told and from there on in it is their responsibility to tell the crew. This is usually done by posting the information on the crew notice boards and telling them in person at the weekly department meetings. I will pass this on to the chap who is in charge of the Fantasy class of ships and I know that he will make sure the information is relayed accordingly.

I know that your cruise faced some challenges due to Hurricane Arse……..sorry……Hurricane Alex and yet your determination to have fun has shone through in your review. I will make sure your suggestion is passed along as the wrist band idea is a very good one. I will also make sure that everyone on the ship gets to read this great review and thank you once again for taking the time to write it. I hope I will see you on the Carnival Magic next year.

Best wishes
John

Gary Nolan Asked:
Dear John (please reply)

I am a long time lurker to your blog thingy but this is my first time posting. Please do dot change anything you do. I read it every day and it really helps pass the time until my next Carnival Cruise. On August seventh me and my wife and 2 of my three children will be taking our 7th Carnival cruise on the Carnival Dream and we can not wait. We have also done a couple others on the something of the seas and each time I wonder why. Although we also have a great time I wonder why we did it as they offer a similar experience but nowhere near the value for the money.

I really hope to cruise with you someday and I will definitely look to see where you are before we book our next cruise. I do have a favor ( spelt correctly) Could you possibly see if you can get us a table or booth for 4 on our cruise on August 7th 2010 near a window we are in cabin numbers 2334 & 2336

One last thing, if you could tell us which machines in the casino are the loosiest I would really appreciate it! LOL I will try and write a small review once we are back.

Thanks for all you do and I hope you have a great time with your girls,
Gary & Colleen

John Says:
Hello Gary and Colleen

It will be my honour (spelt correctly) to ask the Maitre D to assist you with your table request. As for the casino, well while I can’t tell you which machine is paying out I can tell you that all you need to do is not worry about it, take my advice and put some money in an envelope, slide the envelope under the casino door and walk away………it’s the same process as you going in there anyway. Seriously, we have some great casino games and I’m sure our friendly staff will make your experience memorable. Thanks for this first post and I hope the second one will be a review of your Carnival Dream cruise.

Have a brilliant time

Best wishes
John

Naomi Asked:
Hello John, Please read.

Hi John I took my very cruise on Carnival way back in 1991 aboard the Jubilee and I’m wondering if Carnival would still have it’s videos of the cruise archived but I don’t remember the month and dates My Aunty and I Sailed on…We stayed in cabin number E90 and it was a 7 day cruise to the Mexican Riviera from San Pedro, Ca. so if you know anything on how I can obtain the cruise video. It would be very nice.

Thank You.
Naomi

John Says:
Hello Naomi

Oh how I wish they did because I was thin, gorgeous and sexy back then and I would love for you all to see some videos of the old days. But unfortunately we don’t keep them and those times will have to be just memories. I hope you have many memories of your time on the Jubilee.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you

Best wishes to you and your Aunty
John

Don Casinger Asked:
Hi John (Please Reply)

I hope all is going well with you. I tend to lurk on your Blog not posting at all but I love reading your comments and the letters from your legions of fans.

My wife and I are sailing on Splendor on 8/29, and our booking number is 85N9Q4. I am so excited about you being the Cruise Director for that sailing! Although we haven’t had the pleasure of sailing with you before, I’ve read about you for some time.

I love to read about cruising, even when I’m not doing it, so I’m constantly roaming the internet reading reviews and looking at pictures. When I’ve got a cruise booked I go into over drive consuming everything I can about the ship we are sailing on. It’s always helped me in the past; I don’t spend all seven days of the cruise learning the ins and outs of the ship and its activities. When we board I already have a pretty good idea about what we want to do and how to get around the ship so we have more time for fun and spend less time being lost. Doing my research for this cruise was how I found out about your blog, and I’ve been a fan ever since.

This is our third cruise on CCL. Our first cruise was 10 years ago, on Elation, for our twentieth wedding anniversary. We followed that with an 8 day cruise on Spirit, and now finally it’s off to Splendor for our 30th anniversary. I’m sorry to say that we sailed on one other cruise line during the last 10 years, but all it did for me was to convince me that Carnival is the place to be!

This brings me to my question… As I mentioned above, my wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary on August 30th. I’ve already booked a reservation at The Pinnacle Steakhouse for that special evening but I was wondering if you had any other ideas to make that night and the cruise extra special for the love of my life?

I’m truly a lucky man, I met my wife when she was still in high school (yes I’m a couple of years older than her…) and we’re still together 30 years later with two grown sons! Now this week is a prime opportunity to show her how really special she is to me.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me. I hope we get to meet you while we are on board so I can personally thank you for all you do for Carnival and its customers.

Thanks,
Don

John Says:
Hello Don

Your wife sounds like a very special lady and it will be my pleasure to send her a little something on your behalf. So what I need you to do is to write me a Dear John letter explaining just why you love her so much and to wish her a very happy anniversary. Please leave that letter at the Guest Services Desk when you board and I will read it out live on my Morning Show which is shown on the cabin TV’s and the big screen on lido deck. I am really looking forward to my time on the Carnival Splendor and I will do my best to make it a fantastic time for you both.

Best wishes and see you soon
John

And that’s all for today and a huge thank you for the comments from the last week. Have you all been getting your confirmations for the Chef’s Table? I sent another 34 to the ships yesterday and have another big group of bookings for today. I hope the system is working and if you haven’t booked a spot to enjoy this incomparable experience you really should.

We just got in these fantastic photos of your Carnival Magic.  Take a look.

The two pieces are ready to be placed together and once they do they will combine to make that famous Carnival emblem of fun. My thanks to Cunard’s President and our man in London Peter Shanks for sending me those. He was in the shipyard in Monfalcone visiting the almost ready Queen Elizabeth and I will be featuring more about her soon.

And one last follow up from a previous blog about the Carnival Spirit and a question about not being able to book 2012 cruises. All of the Carnival Spirit cruises through spring, 2012 are open for sale and available for viewing on Carnival.com. The 2011 Thanksgiving cruise will be on November 18 sailing roundtrip from Los Angeles (San Pedro) for 9 days (Friday to Sunday). The itinerary includes 2 days in Cabo San Lucas, as well as La Paz, Mazatlan and Puerta Vallarta.

I hope this helps and let me know if anyone has a follow up.

So, it’s time to go. I know this is a shorter blog than usual but I have lots to do before I leave on Saturday. I have to say goodbye to friends and family and get things in order here at home which is why I hope you will understand why there will be no blog tomorrow. I am off to the Carnival Splendor, a ship I have so many fond memories of. Let’s have a look at her and where she is going.

And this is where we will be sailing to

I have no idea about these ports. I have no idea what the weather will be like but I do know that the Carnival Splendor is a fantastic ships and of course it is the last ship that Heidi and I delivered and worked on as a team.

Thanks for all your support while I was home and on Monday I will be back onboard moaning about a week of handover with Goose, telling you about the ship and her crew and before long I will be back as CD, writing about the guests and this unique job that I do. I would think there is a good chance that I may be bit sad………..as I will miss the girls so very much.

The Carnival Splendor is where my beautiful daughter Kye was conceived ………….and how as the desk in the CD office didn’t collapse………………….. I will never know.

Goodnight

Your friends
John, Heidi and Kye.

This is Kye writing the blog today as Mummy and Daddy are upstairs shouting at each other. I think it’s about packing for our trip to the big boat called New Amsterdam tomorrow. Daddy is shouting at Mummy that she has put too much stuff in the suitcase. I heard Daddy say that he isn’t going to pay any money for having packed too much stuff. Mummy called him a cheap bastard. I don’t know what that means but as long as I have my toys and my diapers I am OK.

I don’t mind flying even though Daddy says this time we are flying on Easy Jet which makes Daddy very mad. I do know that I will have to be in the car with Mummy and Daddy for a long time though to get to the place where the airplanes live. When I get into the car with my Daddy I know I will have to listen to really silly music and that the car will smell of something called a cigar which Daddy had when Mummy and I were not in the car with him. Daddy will also get very angry at other drivers and will shout out the window at them. Sometimes he plays counting games with other people in cars by holding 1 or sometimes 2 fingers in the air. I don’t think my Daddy can count past 2.

We have a lady that lives in our car that tells us where everything is. I never see her but I hear her voice telling us when to turn left and what roads have lots of cars on it. Daddy doesn’t like this lady very much and won’t talk to her and ask her for help. He should do though because we always get lost and I have to wait and wait and wait to have my diaper changed and get out of my car seat to play. It takes him such a long time to admit he is lost that we could have got there, turned round and have gone home again. I wonder why Daddy doesn’t like the lady that lives in the car. Maybe she’s French because my Daddy always tells me that he doesn’t like French things and Daddy also tells me neither do I.

I want Daddy to be buy me an Eye Pod. Mummy listens to hers when she is the car with Daddy but I can’t have one because my ears are too small Mummy says. This means I get to listen to Daddy singing along to his sad 80′s rock music. I am glad that the windows of our big car are dark as I don’t want other babies to know that the man screaming something about smoke on some water is my Daddy.

There are strange things next to my baby seat. When Daddy is away on his boats the car is always clean and shiny but when Daddy is home there are CD cases, bits of cigar and lots of empty Diet Coke cans on the floor.

One time when we were all in the car together I farted. Mummy blamed Daddy……  and I laughed.

Thank you all for being so nice to me.

Kye
x

Thank you Kye. I had better press on with some Q and A. Off we go.

Bri Asked:
Dear John, (please reply)

I love Carnival cruises, in fact, I’m 19 and I am booked to take my fifth Carnival cruise for my Spring Break next year.

I took a Dream cruise for my Spring Break in March (3/6/2010) and had an absolute blast, but there is one thing that is troubling me… Exactly how many “Dick Little” cruises have there been. That performance the first night was a hoot, but I was rather disappointed that there was more than one “Dick Little” cruise! Was there someone from stinkin’ creek also?

You are one amazing cruise director!

Bri

John Says:
Hello Bri

Congratulations on having cruised so many times already and before you know it you will have reached Platinum status. Were you on the Stinking Creek cruise? He was a total original and although there may have been one or two Dicks there will only ever be one Stinking Creek. He has gone on my all time top ten list of favourite characters that I have met on the ships. I hope we get to sail together again soon and I have a feeling that your Spring Break cruise next year will be your best yet.

I hope you continue to enjoy the blog thingy

Best wishes
John

Dave Asked:
Hi John (please reply),

I have a question, something I’ve always wondered. And I figured you’d be a good chap to ask. Why doesn’t Carnival (or most other cruise lines for that matter) do long cruises to nowhere? I’m talking 5 to 7 days. I love sea days, and would absolutely love a cruise to nowhere for that long. If they go that long on a transatlantic cruise without having to re-stock supplies, why can’t they do a cruise to nowhere that long? I mean, if the casino were open for 7 days straight Carnival would make a fortune!

If you would be so kind as to share your knowledge with me, I’d appreciate it.

Dave

John Says:
Hello Dave

That’s a great question and the answer has nothing to do with supplies because as you said we can stock our ships for 6 days at sea during the trans-Atlantic voyages we do. The simple answer is that they wouldn’t sell which is why no cruise line does them. Many passengers book their cruise based on affordability and value for money then after that I am pretty certain that destination is the next important subject that families will discuss before booking.

Yesterday I highlighted the Carnival Victory which has a seven-day cruise with no full sea days and six ports. This sells extremely well but if we were to sell a seven-day cruise with no ports………well I think you may have the ship to yourself.  But hold on….. because I could be totally wrong here. I can see why you would want to spend 7 days on the ship and not go to any ports. This would enable the cruise to be priced without any taxes and fees for visiting the islands wouldn’t it? We would have to make sure we offer enough entertainment onboard to keep guests occupied but we already do this on those TA voyages. As I said, I don’t think it would sell but maybe there are many more people who think the ship is the destination. Let’s find out with a pole thingy.

Let’s see what others have to say Dave and thanks for the opportunity to discuss this topic.

Best wishes
John

Eric T. Asked:
PLEASE REPLY

Hi John, my question concerns the Carnival home page where the “counter” is that counts the number of days to your next cruise. Is it possible for Carnival to display more than one counter if you have two cruises booked??? As you know, many of us are like little kids and enjoy watching the countdown to our cruise(s).

Eric

John Says:
Hello Eric

It’s only recently that I have, thanks to the bloggers, discovered these countdown clocks and have seen just how popular they are. I will certainly ask one of the 344 Stephanies to look into this and I will let you know.

Best wishes
John

Carolyn Jane Asked:
Dear John (please reply):

You are asking for suggestions about longer cruises, so I am going to give you an earful. I have ten cruises on Carnival, but I also have two long HAL cruises, three long Princess, and two Celebrity as well a spell on the QE2. What your CDs and the people with beards have to understand is that the longer the cruise, the closer the demographic will be to those other lines. I was on the TA of the Carnival Dream, and the passenger mix was more like HAL than Sensation…Keep an eye out for what is different on your upcoming Cunard cruise. What do they have that you don’t have on Carnival? Well, the library. I don’t mean that you have to have a big one, but as your ships get larger, the libraries get smaller. Holiday class had a lovely library space, Fantasy class does also. Elation should have had a jigsaw puzzle or two for the large table…The library on Carnival Splendor was always well used, with several puzzles in progress, as well as readers. But it was small…And the library on Carnival Dream is just pitiful. And to make it worse, every evening as we went by, when my sister would probably have stopped in to work on a jigsaw (if there had been one) it was occupied by Friends of Bill W. or Friends of Dorothy…While there were empty conference rooms right next door.

People who sail longer cruises to new places want to know more about their ports than what tours the ship offers and what shops are paying to ship to promote them. You need enrichment speakers, talking about the history and culture of the area with a more thorough suggestion of what to see. You need maps of ports, whether or not there are approved shops there. Some of us want to get off and do our own walking tours without shopping, and would like a map with basic landmarks. Daily trivia quizzes (paper) and crossword puzzles. HAL delivers a daily NYT puzzle in their daily newspaper. Princess has them in the library. HAL has a daily trivia that you answer and deposit in a box in the library. You put your name and cabin number on it, and the time you submit. The person who submits the most correct answers at the earliest time gets a prize, such as a luggage tag or keychain…or perhaps a ship on a stick…

You need more dancing…Sail Princess or HAL and you might be surprised how many white haired couples there are rockin’ and rollin’ on the dance floor.

Our Carnival Dream TA was my sister’s first on Carnival. When I asked her if she would sail Carnival again, she said certainly, but not on a long cruise.

Carolyn

John Says:
Hello Carolyn Jane

Thanks for the earful. I am the first to admit that companies like Cunard and Holland America are better than we are at trans-Atlantic voyages.  The only defense I have is that while our ships do one of these voyages a year on their return to America from Europe their vessels are on longer cruises all year round and therefore are designed for this. Certainly we would love a bigger library but building one for just one cruise makes no sense because on our regular European and Caribbean voyages the libraries we have are more than big enough and do not get used nearly as much as they do on a 16-day TA that includes 6 straight sea days. What we have to do therefore is stock more books and when the shelves are empty replace them with more.

Scheduling private groups when there are other venues available isn’t the best use of this space so thanks for letting me know that this happened. There are plenty of places where the groups you mentioned can meet and I will make sure that this does not get repeated on your Carnival Magic.

I spoke yesterday about our need to improve our onboard programs by having guest speakers and lecturers and while I think the CDs do a great job in providing the information on what to do ashore I do think that guest lecturers on the history of the ports may be worth looking into.

I know that Cunard and Holland America has these programs and I know that their voyages are therefore more expensive than a Carnival one. However, I promise that I will do all I can to make your Carnival Magic‘s trans-Atlantic the most fun 16-day cruise we have ever done. Thanks again for the observations.

Best wishes
John

Jennifer & Shawn Asked:
PLEASE REPLY!!!!!

Hello John!

We met a little over a month ago on the Fantasy when you first got on board. (We were the couple that got engaged during the Showcase of the Stars)

Since we’ve been home, we have been reading your blog whenever we get a chance! You are just too funny! (The one with the naked guy complaining about his TV was my fave! I work in a health club and I can relate!)

The more that we read your blog, the more we talk about working on the ship. I of course couldn’t find your email that you gave me to save my life! So, I’m trying here!

We would love to come and work for Carnival in the Entertainment area. We would be interested in just about anything! Can you please contact us and let us know what we need to do as far as applying with Carnival?

Thank you again for making our vacation so much fun! Between you and Risa, it was the most memorable vacation so far in our (hopefully) long lives together!

Jennifer & Shawn

John Says:
Hello Jennifer and Shawn

It’s great to hear from you and many congratulations once again on your engagement. I wish you many happy years together. I know you mentioned to me your desire to work onboard and so I would first ask you to look at our entertainment website (www.carnivalentertainment.com). It contains full job descriptions and requirements and will help you decide which position you would like to apply for. So go ahead and have a look and then contact me again here on the blog thingy and I will see how I can be of help further

Best wishes to you both
John

Mike & Lori Drew Asked:
John, (please reply)

I have written twice with no response. I would like to know you are receiving our emails. We sailed to Alaska on the Spirit on May 11 and we had no problem with seeing the entertainment staff on board especially Mayer and Wheezie. Stu was everywhere and so kind and gracious! We had lost our birth certificates somewhere in Ketchikan and he took time out of his ever busy schedule to talk with us and assure us everything would be fine. Then every time he saw us after that he would say “Remember! Everything will be ok and you will get home!” He and his staff were constantly working to make our cruise enjoyable. True, there was no deck party which was disappointing because they have a way to cover the lido deck so it was warm and they could have made improvisions for the party. I don’t think anyone would have minded the cold anyway. We were having too much fun! I agree that the glacier in Endicott Arm was much better than Mendenhall glacier even though at Mendenhall we saw ice calving. The Deadliest Catch Bering Sea excursion in Ketchikan is the best thing we did. It was awesome! They don’t take you out to sea but into the calm waters and show you what they do on the show. They also take you to a bald eagle preserve which was beautiful. I highly recommend it for anyone. Whale watching was ok but not the first week in May. There were no bears, salmon, or deer visible at this time of year. So, John, you really should go to Alaska and tell Stu he and his staff are doing an amazing job. I do think they should do more Alaska type activities on board. After all, the Alaska cruise is like no other and it should be exceptional. In support of what they did, it is the first time most of the staff has been on this cruise and they are just learning what works and what doesn’t. Stu did an amazing job though and we would cruise with him and his staff any time! We had a wonderful time and memories to last a lifetime!

Mike & Lori Drew

John Says:
Hello Mike and Lori Drew

I remember specifically replying to this brilliant post and I am sure that since posting the one above you will have seen my response. I am 3 weeks behind so please forgive me for the delay. I sent your posting to the ship and made sure that Stuart and his staff got to read your words of praise. I am sure they were thrilled.

I also remember writing that your posting made me promise myself that I would cruise Alaska before I stop doing this CD thingy and experience the last frontier for myself.

Thanks again for the great review.

Best wishes to you both
John

Shenika Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

After reading today’s blog I have a question. Why doesn’t the Carnival Paradise have the water park?

I don’t think I am alone when I say that I enjoy reading about you and your family. Your stories are always interesting so please continue to write about your everyday life as well as what’s going on with Carnival.

All the best to you and your girls,
Shenika

John Says:
Hello Shenika

That’s a great question and I honestly don’t know the answer. I guess someone with a beard decided that when the Carnival Paradise got all her brilliant upgrades that the water park would not be one of them. Let me see if I can find out for you.

Thanks so much for the kind words of support. They mean a lot.

Best wishes to you and your family.
John

Mary Richardson Asked:
Hi John (please reply)

I have to tell you that my husband and I enjoy your bloggy thingy and your gift for painting word pictures. There is nothing sweeter to me than to hear my husband chuckling over something you’ve written. Usually he will read that portion out loud to me, but sometimes it is so funny, he just passes me his computer because he is still laughing and wiping his eyes. Nothing like humour to keep a marriage happy. Now here is my request. Our family of ten (which includes a 12 year old, an 11 year old and a 6-month old infant) is booked on the Triumph the week of October 23rd for our second annual “entire family” cruise. Milton and I sailed on the Triumph May 8th (Carnival cruise Number 22) and had table 335 in the Paris Dining Room–at the very back next to the windows. We could not help but think what a perfect location for a family with pre-teens and a baby. We asked our Maitre’D about reserving that table or the one next to it for our Oct 23 sailing, but were told it was too early to put into the computer at the time. He also said he would be leaving for vacation in 2 months and did not know where he would be assigned when he returned. He suggested we contact our PVP, but she cannot assign tables and said we would need to talk with the Maitre’D on the Triumph but she could not tell us specifically how to do that. So, here we are asking the expert for help. Please, Sir, would you contact the proper person to request one of the back tables (335 or near it) in the Paris Dining Room be assigned to our family–or tell us who, when, and how to it ourselves? We really appreciate the personalized attention the Carnival staff offers each cruiser and that is one reason we keep coming back to Carnival cruise after cruise. Keep on blogging–it helps pass the time between cruises . Thanks for your help.

Teresa

John Says:
Hello Mary Richardson

Nothing pleases me more than to hear that despite the blog being over three years old, my silly musings still make one or two people laugh occasionally. Thanks then for telling me how much you enjoy the blog and it sounds like you are getting very excited about your cruise in October. On September 20 would you please post again your table request including the ship and cabin info and I will ask the Maitre D to assist you if possible.

I am sure we will be able to help.

Until then I send my best wishes to you and the family
John

David Rossberg Asked:
John reply needed

Cruise Critic member Waterboatman told me that you can get me a table for 2. I will be on the Liberty in December and want this to be the best cruise. It will be our first with you guys and I need the best server and best table to match our experiences with Celebrity, Princess and Royal Caribbean. So how do I get this done?

David

John Says:
Hello David

Please send me your cruise date and stateroom number here on the blog a month before you sail and I will do my best to help you with your table request. All our servers will offer you the most fun and most excellent service and thanks for taking your first ever cruise with Carnival. I have no problems in saying already that it will be your best cruise ever.

Best wishes
John

Princess Susan Asked:
Hi John,

It’s been awhile since I have written a reply to your blog. But I have been a lurker.

This is a “please respond” post.

I have had many, many, many, many, let’s just say I’m tired of my friends asking me to ask you this…so I decided to go ahead and ask.

I talk a lot about my wonderful Carnival cruises, and how excited I am about the BC4. Well, since I have joined Weight Watchers my Weight Watcher friends have been asking if there is any way of having a “Weight Watcher” cruise. Believe it or not, at least once every meeting someone just returned from a cruise and gained weight. I have several instructors begging to be included in this idea. I have no doubt if it became a National Campaign you could fill a cruise ship in no time! Is there any way you could get this message to the right people to make this happen?

Now…before you just say Weight Watchers on a cruise….…why? They would all gain weight! Well, a lot of my friends still think of Carnival as the party ship, only for young people. What a great way to get more people introduced to Carnival.

Now….before you say no….just remember a couple of years back when I suggested the “cut and paste” scrap booking idea! That worked well for Carnival.

There is sooooo many suggestions I would like to make about Weight Watchers and Carnival. But I won’t take away any more time you have with your girls!

John Says:
Hello Princess Susan

This is actually a good suggestion and one that I will certainly pass along. I will tell you that although we have our world-class spas and guilt-free cuisine dieting on a ship for some as easy as learning Mandarin Chinese and we have in fact had dieting groups on before. For many years we had the incomparable Richard Simmons and his “Cruise to Lose” groups on. They would attend all of his seminars and fitness classes and eat his deal a meal card stuff.

I know though that the weight loss industry is huge business and it would make sense if we tried to get involved. I will send this up the line and lets both try to avoid the chocolate melting cake on BC4. I will look forward to seeing you then and I will let you know what the beards say about your super idea

Oh, by the way I was on Jenny Craig for a while but she kept on shouting “Get off me fat boy, you’re crushing me”…………….silly joke…………….it’s George Solanos.

Best Wishes and I really am looking forward tom seeing you on the Carnival Glory.

John

That’s all for today and there will be more of course next week. Talking of next week there will be a slight change to the blog. First of all there will be no blog on Monday as it’s 4th of July weekend of which I will talk more of in a moment. On Tuesday I will write live from the Niew Amsterdam and tell you all about the ship. Also next week I will feature more of our ships including the Carnival Inspiration and Carnival Splendor. I will post the new piano bar schedule and there will be a few surprises as always.

One of the things I am hoping is that Heidi will get a chance to meet the godmother of the Niew Amsterdam. She is a member of the Dutch Royal family and her name is Princess Maxima. She is loved by all Dutch people and for Heidi just to get the chance to shake her hand or just to say hello would have her as thrilled as if I go to say hello or shake Megan Fox’s bottom……………….even though it’s married. I doubt this will be possible though as the ship will be full of very important people. Still, maybe if I offered Princess Maxima a solid gold plastic trophy and a fruit basket she would agree to having her photo with Heidi. Anyway, it will be fascinating to see the Holland America product up close and one of the things I will feature will be the Culinary Arts Experience. Have you heard about this? What a fabulous activity this is and here is a little foretaste for you:

http://nieuwamsterdam.hollandamerica.com/

Anyway, I know that you all love cruising and I hope that you will come along with me on Tuesday for a very special and perhaps “royal” blog. You can also watch the ceremony live online and hopefully you will see me, Heidi and Kye in the far, far distance. It should be a spectacular event and here is the link thingy

http://www.hollandamerica.com/pageByName/Simple.action?requestPage=Dedication&WT.mc_id=email_HE1027DCU&WT.dcsvid=

Just before I continue I wanted to apologize to someone called Rebecca whose post yesterday said that she had to explain some of my more adult references to her young son. This upset her very much for which I apologize. I know now and then I do get naughty and so I can’t promise that it won’t happen again. You see Rebecca, I type what I think and sometimes…….well………naughty things happen. Please accept my apologies.

Do you remember the inaugural festivities of your Carnival Dream? Well, during the lead- up to this we launched a special contest during which an aspiring journalist had a chance to be our very own Kid Reporter.  The winner of that contest is sailing this weekend on their Carnival Dream. Here is Vance to tell you more.

WINNER OF CARNIVAL’S KID REPORTER CONTEST TO FILE REPORTS FROM CARNIVAL DREAM NEXT WEEK

Thirteen-year-old Deidra Shores, the winner of last fall’s NBC Today Show Kid Reporter contest, will be sailing on the Carnival Dream next week and filing video reports directly from the ship on the line’s social networking site, www.carnival.com/funville.

Carnival sponsored the Kid Reporter contest, and the grand prize was a weeklong Caribbean cruise for Deidra and her family aboard the line’s newest and largest ship.

Throughout the voyage, the aspiring journalist will document her week-long adventure with exclusive videos of the Carnival Dream and footage of her experiences ashore.

Be sure to check back next week to view Deidra’s exclusive reports from the Carnival Dream!

Thanks Vance. Well as you can see Deidra is very lucky and obviously a Wolf Blister in the making. Deidra will be reporting on all things Carnival Dream next week and you will see them here on the blog thingy.

I apologize that this blog will be rather shorter than usual but as Kye said at the start of today’s thingy…………we are packing. By the way, did you see this news that really defies belief? Here is a link thingy.

http://www.ryanair.com/en/news/80000-ryanair-passengers-would-stand-for-a-free-fare

I can’t believe that.  Sixth percent of the people interviewed said they wouldn’t mid standing. Who are these people? And surely in a world of high visibility jackets and beards someone say that unlike cars, trains, buses and underground transport, planes travel through the air at several hundred miles an hour and experience turbulence or slamming into tarmac a little too hard. It makes the “making sure your tray table is up
sound utter bollocks. Anyway, it will happen and that will mean Ryanair will be able to charge an extra £10 if you would like the “seat option.”

Now, listen to this. Ryanair and Easyjet say you can go on vacation with nothing but hand luggage. What a load of bollocks? Mr. O’Leary, the vertically challenged multimillionaire and CEO of Ryanair, is threatening to stop us taking more than 10kg of hand luggage on holiday. If we want to put a suitcase in the hold, it could cost £50 extra. That’s $90 per suitcase……$90! Now I know we have to make revenue onboard our ships but can you imagine us charging for every suitcase and power strip you bring on the vessel?

Anyway, in an interview recently the Ryanair bastard……sorry….I meant the Ryanair boss … described our need for luggage as nothing more than a “state of mind.” We are allowed one suitcase each for this trip and anything over 15kg will mean a charge…a huge charge.

Now packing may be a state of mind if you have a butler to do it for you and a private plane to put it on but reality is a different story. For this three-day cruise we have to look the part…. A cocktail dress or two for her, a suit for me. Nice shirts. Nice shoes. And then there’s sun block and a diapers and baby food and toys and a camera and some underpants. You wouldn’t begrudge us a change of undies, now, would you, Mr. O’Leary? By the way…..you might want to think about selling underpants onboard your planes as I am sure the ones who are standing will need new ones after some nasty turbulence.

Let me finish with a special wish to my American friends for a very  Happy Fourth Of July……I hope you have a great family day celebrating killing my great, great, great, great grandfather. Personally, I wish we had won…….then I could get a decent cup of tea on the ships.

The Queen, The Mad Duke and the blind Prince with the jug ears and his horse…….sorry ………… wife………… would be living at the White House

The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as “colour,” “honour,” and “Splendour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”

You would all say “bugger” instead of “daaaaamn.”

You would drive on the correct side of the road and eat with the fork in the left hand

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Only proper British Bitter should be called beer.  Budweiser should be referred to as “NearFrozenCamel’sPisseiser.”

The national sport would be cricket and Denny’s would serve Yorkshire Pudding and Spotted Dick………………. for breakfast.

I will see you in Venice on Tuesday and have a wonderful and fun holiday weekend

God Bless America

Your friend
John