HALF MOON CAY AND THE NEWS

February 19, 2013 -

John Heald -

27 Comments

Many years ago when Heidi and I first met and when we thought about nothing but rumpy pumpy and traveling we flew to the other side of the world to have rumpy pumpy in a place that the brochure called a “paradise.” It wasn’t. It was one of those destinations where everyone — from the airport staff to the taxi driver — gave us a necklace of flowers so that by the time I arrived at the hotel I smelt like the perfume counter at Macy’s and was walking like the hunchback of sodding Notre Dame. (more…)

ROLLING IN THE DEEP

February 27, 2012 -

John Heald -

54 Comments

It’s only now, on Monday, February 27, that I am starting to feel on the road to recovery following my Ebola/swamp fever and resulting pink eye. Once the doctor had told me my eye wasn’t contagious, I had to make the decision to carry on working and performing despite the fact that I felt like crap. It started off as a normal cold, a bit of a sniffle, and a feeling that the cabin air conditioner had broken because one minute I would be roasting the cabin to the point where Ketut was cleaning my room in a pair of Speedos and the next turning it into an igloo. Obviously when I called Heidi she was very sympathetic, saying “I suppose it’s man flu. Ha. You should try giving birth. Then you’d understand the meaning of true pain you bastard. Kye came out sideways and I was making you dinner 20 minutes later. So get off your arse and go host a show.”
(more…)

Lost in Translation

June 20, 2011 -

John Heald -

168 Comments

Well that was the week that was and today I start a new week of blogging and Facebooking. Those last few days were tough as everyone said exactly how they felt as non-smokers and smokers took up arms to wage war against the other and I couldn’t help but think…….was I to blame? If I didn’t have the blog and the Facebook page would it have gotten so hostile? But then again, that’s the Internet in a nutshell, isn’t it? (more…)

Well here we go again, another week on your Carnival Magic and we have three days left of this 12-day cruise. I haven’t been sleeping well, don’t know why but it doesn’t matter because I am alive and well and so are you.  I say this because this time last week we were all supposed to be dead and Henry O and his mates would be standing at the Pearly Gates being welcomed into heaven while me and a few of you would be in hell surrounded by fire and brimstone and nonstop Celine Dion music for eternity. (more…)

Please Don’t Feed the Animals

March 30, 2011 -

John Heald -

63 Comments

Before I get into today’s Q & A we need to discuss the Q & A from Monday which included this: (more…)

Peter Speaks In Proper English

March 16, 2011 -

John Heald -

88 Comments

You may remember in Monday’s blog that I got a bollocking from Geoff N about my use of British spelling in a blog read mostly by Americans. I wanted to answer him by screaming “Who invented the language you apple pie eating bastard” but I didn’t……….as that would have been unprofessional.

However, he wasn’t the only one to administer a bollocking to me about my language because I used the word “trash” instead of “rubbish” while talking to my father on the phone. And being a retired high school principal he turned into William Shakespeare and threatened his footeth wouldeth be forever upeth my arseeth………..if I ever spoke American in his presence again.

But it’s not just me. (more…)

That’s Not Funny…..Is It?

February 22, 2011 -

John Heald -

122 Comments

OK, it’s time for me to come clean about something…………I’ve wanted to tell someone for the last month or so……… but I have been too embarrassed…..too ashamed to tell you ………. but I cannot take it anymore. And so today, Tuesday February 22, 2011 I openly confess to you all…………… (more…)

Drugs, Ashes and More

February 15, 2011 -

John Heald -

48 Comments

You may have see on this blog thingy and on Facebook these past few days that I have received lots of requests to help arrange the scattering of ashes at sea. These requests are always full of emotion and it is an honour for me to try and help. (more…)

Confused.com

February 3, 2011 -

John Heald -

58 Comments

Ssssssshhhhhhhhhhh………don’t tell anyone but I think two of the ship’s senior officers are ……….. well…………..you know………at it. It’s not like they need to tell anyone they are having an affair because it’s as obvious as posting five photos of naked bottoms on this blog ……. (more…)

Another John Is Fat and Ugly Blog

February 1, 2011 -

John Heald -

112 Comments

We start today with a comment posted here on the blog thingy. (more…)

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