Blogs, Facebook, Twitter are all places in which people are suddenly prepared to share anything from heartbreak, marital discord and a diagnosis of syphilis to what they would like to do to someone who was smoking on the balcony next to their cabin. Look at me, I have confided that I write in my underpants and that a recent night of passion was a huge flop because of two Teletubbies and a purple sodding dinosaur. There was heartbreak on the ship over the weekend when one of the staff members here on the Carnival Magic discovered his girlfriend who is on the Carnival Liberty had broken up with him because her Facebook page stated “Relationship: not in one.”

But where does it end? Do I reveal too much? Are those folks who write that they hate the blog and me because of its content and my style………if I have one……of writing…..are they correct?  I guess though after starting this blog back in 2007 I decided the more personally revealing the blog, the higher the number of regular readers I would have. Is there then a temptation to expose more and more of myself, like a Latvian stripper peeling of her clothes? The blog now has more than 10 million views plus 14,000 mates are with me on Facebook and more and more and especially after the whole smoking thing I realise the more I make my private life public, the more I make the decisions the beards make at Carnival, the more I seek attention in the broad a manner I do, the more I am inviting not just the fun and the kind people, but the angry and aggrieved as well.

This of course is my decision and I stand by it. I really feel that you all want to know what’s happening on the ships and at Carnival. When I first started writing I began to quickly work out that writing about a guest’s irrational behavior and complaints, coupled with an offer to help where I could, attracted more comments and got more readers than the “another happy day at Carnival and everything we do is just perfect” variety.

The trouble is that, unlike face-to face conversation, we have no idea how what I write in my blog and on Facebook and indeed the comments you post are being received. I am no Sigmund Fraud or whatever his name was and I don’t have a beard but I think it’s safe for me to say that writing on Facebook or the blog or on Cruise Critic-type opinion boards make us “braver,” more forthright than we would normally be, the better to impress our personalities on others.

I once wrote that the blog saved my job. Heidi had just given birth to Kye and it was my first time away from them both. Until Kye was born I never realised I could love something so much as I love my daughter and missing her and Heidi ate at my soul. I would return to the cabin after a show and sit there with nobody to talk to and my girls thousands of miles away. The blog though helped me so much and when I am away from them it still does. have. Quite simply blogging and now Facebooking for me is quite simply……. the silent way to ensure staying sane sometimes. It can though take over if I let it. Last night I had to talk to a guest who was upset about one of the numbers in the Groove Line production show. It features a tribute to the brilliant Jackson 5 and has 4 lifelike puppets and………you know what I am not going to bother explaining anymore except to say that it’s the most popular number in the show and the surprise at the end is always greeted with huge applause and much laughter. Anyway, one couple didn’t like it and demanded to see me. And as I stood with them in the lobby listening to them shout and scream and make ridiculous accusations, all I could think about was not what can I say to make these guests happy and understand we meant no offence, but rather what a bloody brilliant story this is going to make for the blog. And that is so wrong.

So I guess this waffling is a way for me to say thank you for the feedback you gave me and the beards last week. There were hundreds of comments on the blog and many many more on Facebook. Your feedback regardless of whether you like or dislike what Carnival does and what I and other sat is vital. Feedback is what keeps you in touch with Carnival and Carnival in touch with you. Although there were times during the New York release and the smoking debate that I would have happily said “bugger this.” But here I am, still blogging and ready to answer your questions in my underpants once again……….let’s crack on shall we?

Helen Lane Asked:
We are going on Magic in August 2011. Are there any treadmills or other cardiovascular machines on the ship? There seems to be a running circuit which people will probably walk across and hot. Please reply, thanks.

John Says:
Hello Helen Lane

Asking me about what equipment is in the gym is like asking the Pope for a lap-dancing club recommendation. Luckily I know people and they tell me there are in fact 11 treadmills in the huge gym on deck 11 forward as well as other equipment that I have never seen. Seriously Helen the gym here is amazing and we have an outdoor gym as well on the SportSquare. I will see you very soon and if you have any other fitness questions please ask me.

Best wishes
John

Anthony Mecchi Asked:
John,I would like to do something special for my wife of 25 years, she has had a tough last year as I have been busy at work and this is our first vacation since January!  We will be on the Destiny on July 2nd and the day we are in the Grand Cayman islands will be the anniversary day. I think it would be great that when she returned she would find the cabin we are in which 2367 decorated and some champagne and anything else you can think of. My other question is that I have booked a tour of the stingray swim centre and it’s not with Carnival. The tour says we have to meet on the island at 8:00am so I need to be the first off the ship so that will need to be arranged. Do you do that or do I do that on the ship. This is our first Carnival cruise and we are very excited. I also want a table for 2 so it’s extra special and can you confirm by e mail so I know this has all been arranged.

A.M. Mechi CPA
New York, New York.

John Says:
Hello Anthony Mecchi

I am also excited that you are taking your first cruise with us and I know that you will have a brilliant time. We can certainly decorate your state room for you and this though will have to be pre arranged and paid for by you through www.carnival.com/bonvoyage. There are loads of anniversary options and among them is the one where while you are ashore the crew will decorate your cabin. I will also make sure that I send her something from me. As regards the tendering ashore in Grand Cayman. Well the ship arrives at 8 am and the first tender is at around 8:10 am so that will be fine for you to be on and full instructions will be given by the cruise director and written in your on board program called the Fun Times. I would advise the people you are touring with that you won’t be ashore on the pier until 8:30am. That would be my advice. Have a great time and a happy anniversary cruise.

Best wishes
John

Bret McKee Asked:
Hey John

Where can I find a 2011-2012 CD assignments? We are booked on the Triumph in September and are curious who our CD will be on that cruise. Thank you

Bret

John Says:
Hello Brett

There is a list at the bottom of this blog thingy. Down there……all the way down……at the bottom ……..no, the other bottom…..there…….. yep under JOHN’S HELP DESK…..now click on that ….. that’s right and there you go. As you will see your CD will be the one and only Big Tex or as it says there “Jeremy Mayes” which is the name nobody calls him. He is a great chap and you will have loads of fun with him I promise. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes
John

Sue H Asked:
John,

I really love your blog and read it every morning with my coffee and it brings me much laughter for which I thank you. There hasn’t been much laughter in my life recently since I lost my son in Afghanistan in 2009 and I still miss him very much of course. The reason I am telling you this is because I found a photo of him and you from a cruise we did on the Triumph in 2001. Joshua was 14 then and you and the captain had a photo taken with him on dress up night. I have finally gotten around to making his scrapbook and needed to ask you if you could find out the name of the Captain. We cruised in June of 2001. I know this may seem trivial but it would mean so much to me if I could write under the photo his name along with yours and Joshua’s. Thanks so much for this John. Joshua enjoyed two cruises with Carnival and we always talked about you and your shows which he laughed so much at like his Mom is doing sometimes with your blog.

John Says:
Hello Sue H

Oh, Sue. My heart is so heavy after reading that extraordinary post and I wish so much that I was there with you to give you a big hug and to sit and listen to you talk about your son and how very proud you must be of him. I did some research and in June 2001 the master of the Carnival Triumph was Angelo Los who is a great friend of mine and with whom I will share this with. If you can think of anything else that you might need, please do let me know and on behalf of the many thousands of readers of this blog may I say that we are thinking of you and your family and of Joshua who will all remember in our thoughts and prayers tonight.

John

Jim Ashmead Asked:
Dear John,

Our Cruise Critic Roll Call would like to have a Meet and Greet at 3:00 before our September 16 sailing of the Carnival Magic. We were wondering if the Red Frog would be a good place to have it. From the pictures I have seen, it does look like it could handle the regular customers plus our group of 100 or so.  If not, we could always spill out to The Lanai with our group.  Do you think this would work out for us?  Or do you have any other suggestion that might work out better?

Jim

John Says:
Hello Jim

We have had 2 Cruise Critic roll call meeting thingies in the RedFrog pub recently and both have been excellent and well attended. The RedFrog has a brilliant atmosphere and I think it’s a great first meeting point for you all and more than big enough. My only comment is that we have an orientation talk at 3:30 pm which covers the gangways, documentation and arrival/departure times etc as well as some things to do and not to do. Now this maybe something you may not be interested in and if not then 3 pm is fine or you can move to 2:30 pm if you wish. Either way we have plenty of time so have a chat with your group and let me know here or on Facebook. I will see you all soon.

Best wishes
John

Janey – OKGIRL Asked:
John (Please Reply),

I just saw the new ship pin being passed out on the Carnival Magic to Platinum guests…….how disappointing that they don’t have the ship name but only say “CARNIVAL PLATINUM.” Not really too thrilled with the change……….I guess they will go in the box with the 20 picture frames and 6 coolers that I already have… But to my question……Is there any chance that the beards will rethink this design and return us to the pins that have the actual ship name on them? Thanks in advance for your reply.

John Says:
Hello Janey – OKGIRL

Could not agree with you more Janey. The new generic, non-ship-specific pin is not what we should be handing out and I apologise that we are. Now, there are plans for a new pin. It is far more of a collector’s item and will be ship specific and will also represent Platinum status. These are being made this year and will be ready when we launch the new loyalty program in 2029 …… kidding. I say 2029 only because I have been promising details on this for a long time now but the beards will not be launching it until early next year when amongst other brilliant things will be the new pin. So please forgive the current one which is being used until the new one arrives.

Best wishes and thanks so much for your loyalty
John

Aleja Asked:
Today your blog had a comment from someone who cruised with Carnival on a boat from Miami and the family did not understand anything as they spoke no English. I had a similar experience when I went on the ship for my Quinceañera, cruise for my sister’s birthday last year on the Valor. We were a group of 280 Cuban Americans who had older people with us who did not speak English yet the ship people made no effort to speak Spanish. The older generation does not speak any English and if Carnival advertises in Miami and cruises from Miami then some shows, some information must be given in Spanish. Hispanics now make up about 60 percent of Miami’s population. Please do more and you will get more business from Miami people. These are my observations.

John Says:
Hello Aleja

First of all I have attended many Quinceanera celebrations on the ships and they are truly beautiful ceremonies that show the proud sense of family tradition that is embedded in the Cuban culture. I do realise that each and every week on all our ships that we carry guests of many nationalities, some of whom may not speak English. While we do provide translated dinner menus and Fun Times, the language spoken on the ship is English and all the shows, announcements, etc. are made as such. I do hope you had a great time and your sister I am sure looked stunning in her white dress. Best wishes

John

Andrew Slater Asked:
John…

I have been reading on Cruise Critic about how drills for lifeboat muster have become really unorganized and that hundreds of passengers do not attend and the crew does nothing about it not enforcing them to attend, letting people walk away, and even allowing talking and drinking at the muster stations. This if true is a serious matter and must be addressed.

John Says:
Hello Andrew Slater

Please allow me to forge the pleasantries and cut right to the chase. The suggestion that we are diminishing the level of importance we place in the drill is also far from the truth.  Simply put, we must take the drills seriously because if we don’t our ships wouldn’t sail…..period. That’s because the drills are held within the requirements of United States Coast Guard regulations. All the guest staterooms are checked by the stateroom stewards as are the balconies, behind the shower curtains and they even look under the bed and in the safe to make sure nobody is hiding.  The security staff will walk the lounges and open decks making sure everyone goes and we stop all bar service and all activities until the drill is over. Guest safety is still our priority before anything else and if any crew member was ever found not making that so he or she would be in very deep trouble. I can honestly say that in my 24 years at sea the training all the crew receive regarding guest and personal safety has never been greater. However I will say this. If anyone feels that while they were at the drill that there were ways we could improve it please let us know immediately because as I said……the safety of our guests is absolutely our number one goal.

Best Wishes
John

Rochelle Washington Asked:
Can you tell me who the comedians will be at the Punchliner comedy shows for our cruise on June 23rd. we were on the Fascination last year and the comedians were really funny. Our favorite was Percy Cruise and we were hoping he would be there.

Thanks
John

John Says:
Hello Rochelle Washington

Percy Crews is indeed one of our funniest comedians and the Punchliner comedy club has been a massive success for sure right across the fleet. Here is the line up for your cruise and you once again have 2 very funny comedians.

 

Thu, Jun, 23	Canaveral	Welcome Aboard Show	Michael Macy / Allyn Ball
Fri, Jun, 24	Nassau	Curves	Deck Party
Sat, Jun, 25	at sea	Far From Over	Michael Macy / Allyn Ball

 

Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today.

Well you nearly didn’t get a blog today because this morning, June 20, 2011 my Dell computer woke up and decided it was bored and that it would piss me off. I sat here at 6:40am, in my underpants and turned Mr. Dell on and……nothing. All I got was a blue screen. No annoying chiming tone as windows loaded. Nothing. My screen was as empty and devoid of life as Bath and Body works shop in Paris.

I think I have mentioned here in this blog thingy of ours once or twice about the people who work on ships who never get the praise they deserve. The nurses and the doctors for example or how about the dishwashers and Ketut who is as we speak trying to coax a pair of my underpants into the laundry bag with one of those snake catching sticks. These are true cruise ship heroes and they deserve a lot of credit.

But what about the IS people or the IT people or the Geek Squad as we sometimes call them ……. out of ear shot, of course. Well you have a blog today because my computer which apparently had more viruses than the National Convention of Prostitutes was saved by I/S Manager John and his team whom I wanted to thank sincerely for all the work he and his team have done and will do here on the Carnival Magic.

Here they are

Back:
Miroslav Kljuskovic (Asst. I/S Manager), Katharina Jauch (I/S Fleet Supervisor), John Staker (Sr. I/S Manager)

Front Row:
Sheldon King (Asst. I/S Manager)

Ketut is now standing over my underpants, in a face mask, swearing at them in Indonesian.

Last cruise we had lots of Russians which means we had lots of line pushing and nipple tassels. This week we have lots of British which means we have lots of pleases and thank yous. So many British people are now sailing with Carnival. They love the food, the spectacular entertainment and the value, of course, given the US dollar is weaker than non-alcoholic beer to the pound, meaning they have money left over to buy T-shirts that show where they have been. British people love to show off where they have been on holiday and will wear T-shirts with Carnival Magic and Barcelona and Dubrovnik on them with great pride and…..to show off to their friends the Smythe-Jones.  People love the British tourist. We are polite, sun burnt, non-complaining tourists and nobody loves us more than the Americans.

Now I know the following does not apply to any of my friends reading this blog but there are some people who still think of us in a fairy stereotypical way. We all wear bowler hats to work ……that’s if we can get to work with all that fog ………it rains every day (that one may be true) and that at 3 pm every day the entire nation stops to have a cup of tea and eat cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. If only that were true and it wasn’t in fact a country where binge drinking is a national sport, David and Victoria Beckham are worshipped as gods and where parts of our cities are only safe to walk around at night if you have hired a tank.  I want to clarify something and ask your opinion on this but first …………. here’s why.

LIDO SERVICE

Guest approached me on Lido during breakfast to comment on the bacon service. Guest said he should be able to serve bacon himself because he likes to choose himself which piece. Guest was very upset and so I allowed him to point out what he wanted. Guest told me that he was very unhappy that bacon was rationed and guests could not have as much as they wanted.

This is an old story isn’t it and I like the guest, love to choose the crispy bits, the bits that look good. But of course he cannot because we serve it to our guests. We don’t ration it though. Ask for as much extra as you feel you want. The reason we serve bacon this way is to keep food waste down.  For some reason it’s the bacon that most people take huge shovelfuls of, yet eat only a small percentage. They don’t do this with eggs, sausage, ham or the prunes even. It’s just the bacon. The server will give you two pieces…..if you want more……just ask……the server will then give you two more pieces …….. if you want more……..the server will give you two more pieces……if you want more…….. the server will smack you over the head with the tongs and tell you to go to the gym. So then bloggers my question to you is……….does this really bother you. Should this be on my list of things to bring to the beards attention? Please let me know.

Now every now and then a something will happen on the ship that I report here on the blog and when I do I know that as I sit here typing it at least half of you will think I am making this up, that’s its fiction. And if I was on the other side of this blog there would be times that I would say “Bollocks, the fat man is making this up………surely.” But you can’t make stuff like this up. Nope ………this is real life…….. real Carnival life.

So yesterday, like today we were in Venice and in each port of call we have a port agent, which is basically a company that that takes care of our needs. They are our liaison with local authorities and provide various transportation, medical and other assistance as and when we need it. We publish the agency number in the Carnival Capers because if……oh FFS…….the Fun Times so that if guests are in real trouble and need urgent help they can call. We explain that this number is to be used only in an emergency.

So we all know that Venice is a city on the water connected by canals and alleys and it can all be a bit confusing. Lost tourists are a familiar sight in Venice. You see them blocking the bridges eyebrows knitted over maps that Stephen Hawking would find difficult to comprehend. But eventually they find their way back to St. Marks Square and back to the ship. But yesterday, a middle aged couple from Illinois called our ship agent using the emergency phone number. The agent Anna answered and the call went like this

Anna                           “Ci”

Mr and Mrs. Illinois    “We are lost in the alleys. My wife is frightened. Please come find us.”

And then he added the most wonderful line that defies belief, because he said…….”Can you hurry up as we have a reservation at the steakhouse at 7 pm.”

The sheer audacity of the “hurry up so we don’t miss dinner” is what makes this comment so brilliant. Anna did not go and get them but she talked them out of the area where they were and onto the water front so they could catch a Vaparetto. It would be nice in closing to say they gave her a warm thank you, came back to the ship and laughed about getting lost in Venice over a porterhouse. But they didn’t. They went straight to the guest services desk and said this:

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Sunday, June 19, 2011 6:58 PM
To: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER
Cc: MAGIC HOTEL DIRECTOR; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Unhappy about instructions in Venice

Good evening everyone,

I just would like to pass along the comments received by guests in stateroom______ as she was quite upset. She stated that no information was given about directions so she and her husband got lost and had to call for help. Guest said the lady on the phone would not come and get them and they had to listen to her on the phone to get back. People they asked on their way did not know the direction or did not speak English. Mrs. ____says Carnival should have crew members around Venice stationed to help lost guests. Guest is demanding refund of call she had to make from her cell phone which she said her US phone company says is $54. Thank you and best regards.

So to return to the top of today’s blog, there are times when I think to myself why keep going, why put myself in the firing line as happened last week. Yes, one of the reasons I keep going is that the feedback you give me which I give the beards is invaluable. But there is another reason ………..and it’s stories like the two guests that got lost in Venice and who blame us for doing so. That’s the reason I keep writing and hopefully that’s one of the reasons why you will keep reading.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

You have to feel a bit sorry for poor old Harold Cramping or whatever his name is the simple sod predicted that the world would end on May 21 and obviously as I sit here writing to you in my underpants it didn’t. And that’s why I feel sorry for him as it can’t be nice having the entire world’s population pointing at you going can’t “na nah na nah nah.”

But bugger me if the silly sod hasn’t gone back to his calculations and realised that oops, he meant to say that the world will actually come to an end on October 21, which does put a damper on the launch of the Carnival Liberty fresh from dry dock and bristling with new features. Even worse for poor old Harold is that whenever anyone sees him looking sad or depressed they will no doubt give him a hug and say “Cheer up, Harold. It’s not the end of the world.”

Time for today’s Q and A…………..let’s get on with it shall we?

Carmen Cartagena Asked:
Can you tell if Carnival is planning to have a ship in Europe for 2013? Planning a group and the most important issue it’s that has to be CARNIVAL!!!

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Carmen Cartagena

Thanks for asking and so far we have no released any news on this but we’re in the midst of a successful season on the Carnival Magic and Carnival Breeze will sail in Europe in 2012 so never say never I always say. I will obviously let you know as soon as I can. Best wishes

John

Lenny R Asked:
John,

I see that on the blog you are begging people to go with you on the bloggers cruise and that your sidekick and obvious Carnival employee Mach is doing the same on Cruise Critic by trying to put together a group. Why would anyone want to cruise with a bunch of no life zeros who have some strange fetish about you? I have cruised with you on the liberty and found you to be nothing special at all… I cruise where and when I want to and don’t need the company of others do so. In that regard I am on the dream on June 4 and hope that the smell I have been reading about has gone and that the service issues that have been reported have been taken care of. This will be my platinum cruise. I need the maitre d to have me at a table with single ladies. I wrote this on a post here on April 7 but you have not replied so I ask again. Cabin number is 8256.

John Says:
Hello Lenny R

Goodness me Lenny, I have to say you have thingies the size of a Budweiser horse to write that and then ask me for something. I have asked the maitre d to sit you with a group of single guests as you asked although I may have accidentally asked for him to seat you with a group of single men by accident. Host Mach is a fantastic person who we should hire as he knows more about the product than I do but for now he works as a moderator for Cruise Critic and remains a friend to me. I wish you a great cruise and as for the bloggers cruise reference I think its best I leave any comments on that to others.

Best wishes
John

Larry Mann Asked:
Hi John (or whoever is reading this),

Two questions…Is the Chef’s Table available on the Imagination? If so how can I make reservations before the cruise? Thanks

Larry Mann

John Says:
Hello Larry Mann

Yes indeed it is and I would be happy to make a reservation for you. All I need is for you to post again with the following details:

NAME

CABIN NUMBER

SAILING

SHIP

NUMBER OF SEATS

 

I will then send it to the ship and you will receive email confirmation from them. It is a great event that I hope you get chance to experience. Best wishes

John

Ron Valquez Asked:
John,

Today I read here a comment from a Carnival passenger who said that she was on a Carnival boat from Miami and none of the staff spoke any Spanish and that her parents could not understand nothing. This happened to me as well on the Freedom cruise in November. The ship was at Thanksgiving and most passengers were from South Florida but the ship had only English announcements and jokes were not in Spanish. The Latin band was Mexican and did not play any proper Latin music. Carnival should know that its passengers are from Miami and the area and should provide more Spanish as the language is on the rise in USA and in the case of Miami will soon be officially the language of Miami. Carnival has lots of ships in South Florida and should then have Spanish spoken on them.

John Says:
Hello Ron Valquez

Thank you for your comments and I understand how frustrating it must be for some when they don’t understand the announcements and entertainment. I am going through the same thing here with our large count of international guests. However, we are a product aimed at North Americans in the first place and while we realise that many South Floridians speak Spanish we really aren’t in a position to alter our product. We try hard to accommodate as many people as we can and I am very sorry that you did not enjoy the Latin trio who normally get excellent comments. So please accept my apologies and I hope that despite the communication concerns that you had a great time. By the way, your post was in English and it was written very well indeed. I am sure your comment about Miami and its official language is one I can’t comment on as I don’t live there but I can say that people from all over the USA, Canada and beyond fly to Miami to take a cruise and we can’t therefore make it a Spanish speaking one. I promise to pass your comments to the beards though and thank you for making them.

Best wishes
John

The Granthems Asked:
Hello John.

I just discovered this blog and it makes my morning coffee even better. Can I ask you about the Steakhouse because I am taking my DW on the Splendor and have reserved a table for Wednesday night? My concern is that she is a vegetarian and I have read conflicting reports that there are and are not vegetarian dishes available so I thought I would ask you.

Keep up the great work
Dave and Katie

John Says:
Hello The Granthams

Thanks so much for those very kind words and I am sure you are getting excited about your Carnival Splendor cruise, in fact I hope I haven’t missed your sailing date. So yes, there are fantastic vegetarian options in the steakhouse and along with the vegetables on the menu, when you order, tell the server and he or she will tell the chef who will make something special. One of the signature vegetarian dishes is the mushroom strudel that I have been told by other vegetablists is fantastic. So welcome to the blog and if I am not too late may I wish you both a wonderful cruise? Best wishes

John

Rack2 Asked:
John,

I want to know why carnival has a stupid law that stops crew people coming out with passengers. My Mother and me were on the Inspiration and our waiter Jimi was so cute and nice and I wanted him to come to the disco with me but when I asked him he said it was not allowed. I asked the dining manager and he said no to as well. Why does carnival do this it makes me very angry John because I wanted to dance with Jimi.

John Says:
Hello Rack2

Well, that’s a great question and there are two main answers. The first is the most important and that is simply that we do not allow the crew to fraternize with the guests. This is for their safety and yours as I am sure you can imagine. Yes, we want them to be fun and charming and provide brilliant service but that’s it, it has to be strictly professional. I should point out also that with 800 crew members onboard if we were to give them all guest area privileges there would be no space for the guests. So I apologise you felt angry and I hope now that you have seen this explanation you will understand why we have this rule. Best wishes and I hope you had a great cruise

John

Penny McNulty Asked:
John.

The cabin stewards need to be given instructions that they should introduce themselves to their patrons, we didn’t even know his or her name!!! I took my gratuity away as if they can’t call me by my name or introduce themselves then they get nothing from me. The cabin service was nowhere near as good as our RCL cruise last month. The good news for Carnival is that the food was as good and the steak house pay extra restaurant was the best we have ever had.

John Says:
Hello Penny McNulty

Well there was good news and not very good news in that review. I asked my friend in the office to see what ship you had been on and I see it was the Carnival Paradise on a 4 day cruise if that’s the Penny you are. Anyway, I wanted to know because I needed the ship management to know so they can improve the training of the stateroom steward and I have sent your comments in accordingly. I was though glad to read that you found the food excellent and the steakhouse the same and because of that I hope we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes
John

Maureen Searle Asked:
Hi John (please reply if you can)

We’ll be on the Magic on June 3rd. Can’t wait!  Can you tell me what would be the best currency to use for extra onboard gratuities?
Euros?

John Says:
Hello Maureen Searle

I am glad I saw this before you sailed and it’s strange to have two very different comments back to back about gratuities. I would actually suggest dollars as well as Euros; both are fine and thank you for taking care of the crew. We are here ready to give you an amazing cruise and loads of brilliant fun. See you soon.

Best wishes
John

Tif Asked:
Hello John,

I am planning my first cruise in August, and I was wondering if I need a passport to cruise to the Bahamas?
John Says:
Hello Tif

While having a passport is always recommended, if you are a US citizen if you are traveling to the Bahamas on a closed-loop cruise (meaning a cruise that begins and ends at the same US port), you can use your driver’s license and birth certificate instead of a passport. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes
John

Ron Arant Asked:
I have been traveling with Carnival for about 8 years now and one thing I see missing is a Soup Bar.  I know it is usually hot in the islands but soups are great!  They would go well with your Deli Bar and for those who want a light lunch so they can indulge at dinner time.  Also Chicken Soup does really well for those who do not have their Sea Legs and are nauseated.  I feel this would add a great plus to the ship and I am sure Carnival would be the first cruise line to offer a Soup Bar along with their Salad Bar and Deli Bar.

Ron Arant
South Carolina

John Says:
Hello Ron Arant

Now that’s something I have never heard of before and I wonder if it would work? I know our soups are very popular at dinner time and I wonder if anyone else agrees with Ron’s suggestion. Chicken soup is certainly massively popular as is our French onion as well. Thanks for the idea and I will pass it on to the beards. Does anyone else have a comment about this? Best wishes and thank you for cruising with us these past 8 years.

John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow.

Time for my lunch and a bit of Bond. I now watch 30 minutes of a movie during my lunch break, if I don’t do this I find myself blogging or Facebooking and getting bits of tuna in the keyboard so I watch a movie on my little DVD player. I am going through my Bond box set and am currently watching Live and Let Die, starring Roger Moore.

For those of us in the throes of middle age, it is brilliant to watch the elderly Roger Moore as he creaks around the set while younger, fitter women fling themselves at his gentlemen’s sausage. And as I watched I realized that compared to today’s films the violence is about as offensive as a Barney episode… there was no swearing; the violence was as soft as my inner thigh. As for rumpy pumpy, the only racy scene involved Bond and the girl taking off their bathrobes, so that you saw their undraped knees — in the case of Roger Moore, a very wrinkly knee. But it’s a proper Bond movie unlike the bollocks that was Quantom Sodof and Casino Royalmyarse.

Roger and Sean and Pierce and the other chap were proper Bonds. The movie starts of with some random killing before we find Bond in bed with a girl who he had met a few minutes earlier. Hearing his Omega watch go beep which meant his Queen and country needed him he would haul himself from under the sheets, look at the long-legged beauty with no name and say, “My darling. You were brilliant last night. But I am a James Bond and I must go now because I have to blow up the head quarters of the evil Richard Feinfeld before returning to have more rumpy pumpy on the hood of my Aston Martin DBS.”

OK, back to the current world and while I eat a bit of lunch I want you to see what the guests are eating for dinner tonight here on your Carnival Magic.

Chilled supreme of fresh fruit, finished with peach schnapps

New England crab cake, served with apple relish, roasted bell pepper and rosemary remoulade

Grilled Portobello mushroom and handpicked mesclun lettuce, marinated with balsamic, fresh basil and virgin olive oil

Fatuous salad, garnished with arugula, mint, feta cheese and flat bread

American navy bean soup, simmered with root vegetables

Lobster bisque, hearty lobster soup with cream and oak wood aged brandy

Mango cream, iced mango cream soup, spiced with fresh ginger

Grilled chicken breast, served over fettuccine, tossed in mushroom cream (also available as a starter)

Norwegian salmon with dill mousseline, grilled salmon fillet with a dill butter sauce, creamed garlic spinach, gratin potatoes

Panko-crusted jumbo shrimp, artichokes, sun ripened tomatoes and kernel corn medley

Barbecued, whole Cornish game hen, marinated with southern herbs and spices

Tender roasted prime rib of American beef au jus, baked potato with traditional toppings

Zucchini and eggplant parmigiana, vegetarian entrée; served on a lake of pomodoro sauce

Variations of strawberries upside down strawberry cake, strawberry sorbet, strawberry and mascarpone cream

Chocolate mousse crepe, served in banana bisque with candied fruit

Tropical fruit lasagna, marinated berries, mangoes and papayas on phyllo with guava sauce

Dessert is prepared with a sugar substitute

Warm chocolate melting cake, served with vanilla ice cream

Fresh tropical fruit plate

Vanilla • chocolate • strawberry • butter pecan ice cream

Sugar-free ice cream is available upon request

Orange • pineapple • lime sherbet

Port Salut • brie • Gouda • imported Swiss • Danish bleu cheese

What would you have?

It’s been a difficult few days as I have spent much of my time dealing with a few really disgruntled guests. One or two have valid points. One has a noise complaint. Her cabin is right above Ocean Plaza and she goes to bed at 9 pm every night and she is disturbed by the music. This has resulted in me having to change the style of music I have there, as well as the hours. I have moved the Blood Power band to the Lido and the back lounge and placed one of our duos there instead and I have them finishing at 11 pm as appose to 12:30 am as normal. I understand this lady’s concerns and we are sold out of cabins so we have nowhere to move her to. Hopefully this change will allow her a better night’s sleep.

The other comments are most from guests who are……well quite honestly a bit ummmmm …… strange. Ken, the maitre d had one table all demand a different table or the removal of one couple because they were so mean and nasty to the waiter. Apparently they were clicking their fingers and unbelievably calling him “boy.” Anyway, Ken has delicately given them a table for two so all is well. This is the same couple by the way who made this comment.

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Saturday, May 31, 2011 8:33 AM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: MAGIC ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Subject: ———-

Good afternoon

Please could you read the below CRS and update us accordingly. Sorry the guest was upset about everything yesterday.

GUEST UNHAPPY

Guest continued to advise that she thinks it’s disgraceful that you get no free drinks during the casino. Guest also wants meeting with John about the shows. Guest has also stated that she wants another state room steward as her current one________________ has according to guest been looking through her clothes (guest specified her underwear and night clothes) John, please call the guest and I have also spoken to the HKM as well.

Guest Services Associate | Carnival Magic | Carnival Cruise Lines |

Well the show, Groove Line received two huge standing ovations and if you take her comments about this and her table mates wanting her off and the fact that she thinks the stateroom steward is looking through her drawers…….literally. Anyway, I shall be meeting with her today and will listen calmly to what she has to say and do my very best to sooth her troubled brow but there are times when you know that even before I go and see her that there will be little I can do to change not just her opinions but her outlook on life. I will listen though and do my best for her. So off I go to meet her and I will be back soon.

Here I am and I was right, my 30 minutes with her made absolutely bugger all difference. I am sure the skeptics amongst you are thinking that it can’t have been that bad and you would be wrong. I wish I could secretly film these conversations but, obviously, I can’t. I especially would have like to have done that this morning just so you can enjoy the sight of me bobbing around like a boxer moving my head from side to side, something I had to do in order not to be covered in her spittle, which was flying out of her mouth like a venomous cobra. I couldn’t help but think of the late great and much missed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin who if he had been faced with this venomous creature would have grabbed her by the end of her legs and swung her around the Carnival Magic lobby shouting “Blimey, she’s a little grumpy.”

Mrs. Cobra hates the shows, the service and her stateroom steward which we have changed to a female steward already. I apologized as did the guest services manager who was with me but our apologies meant very little to her and she left saying of course that she should be compensated her stateroom steward was allegedly wearing her underpants……..which of course he wasn’t. She won’t be getting any compensation just our apologies and in fact it’s me that should get some compensation from her because my blue blazer looks like it has been given the good news by a flock of birds with explosive diarrhea.

It’s easy to concentrate on people like Mrs. Cobra and forget to mention that 99% of the people who cruise Carnival week in and week out have the best of times, but it’s always that 1% that are the most vocal. This cruise I have had many great comments, like this.

And that’s why I keep going because I know that for most of our guests the Carnival product and the crew that provide it remains the absolute best in the industry. But it is as I said the very few that take up most of your time. Do you remember the comment I posted here, or was it on Facebook; I can’t remember which but it was about the costumes in the show which the gentlemen in question described as “deeply offensive.” Well, he won’t let it go and has written to me three times and when the captain met him on elegant night he gave him both barrels as well. I personally don’t find them offensive and based on my experience most of our guests agree. There are no G-string numbers as of old just flashes or leg and thigh and a bit of bottom as the dancers jump, twirl and do what dancers do. The guest is middle aged and married but it seems that he thinks that a woman’s legs grow directly from her midriff with no bits in between, like a Mrs. Potatohead.

Of course there’s another explanation — that this man is one of the seemingly growing band of habitual complainers who spend their lives seeking reasons to be offended, who’d see sinful messages in Barney and probably cover up the table legs at home lest he is tempted to dry hump them. I mentioned some weeks ago that when I started as a CD I simply don’t remember people complaining. It seems thought that the more we add to the ships and the more we offer our guests on a Carnival cruise vacation the more some guests demand that his or her voice be heard.

But my growing concern is that complainers enjoy a ridiculous amount of power. It requires just one person to say something and once it’s recorded onboard it has to be investigated and reported back on to the beards. Now don’t get me wrong, we make mistakes and is our product perfect? ……. No, absolutely not and constructive criticism is of massive importance and we (I) must listen. But the industry as a whole seems to have opened two massive barn-size doors and put a huge welcome mat down that says “complainers welcome.” And now after many hundreds of thousands of dollars in refunds and lashings of fruit baskets later… it’s now bloody impossible to close them.

Just once I wish I could be like Basil.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

P.S. Here are today’s Fun Times, from the Carnival Valor!

Scott T Asked:
Reply Needed,

I think this last cruise will be my last and you need to understand WHY! Check in process was long and unorganized. Holland America was much more organized. Three inside rooms are very small. Our Jr. Suite room was okay, with the balcony. Our tub and toilet were dirty when we arrived. The bathroom light was flickering on and off. I had to call maintenance. The internet (using my laptop) never did work for me, even though I stood in a long line at Guest Services 4 times to try to figure out why. No one could help me. Guest service was understaffed. The guest services person took my reservation for My Time dining, and then never reported to the dining room. They did not have us on the list. The safety drill was needful, of course, but the standing and waiting was far too long. I got in some real pain standing and waiting so long. They were waiting on people who never showed up. The internet is antiquated, slow, and expensive. It only worked once using the ship computer. It never worked using my laptop. And there is no internet availability in the rooms. You have to go to a hotspot. That’s a bit inconvenient after you’ve gotten into your pjs. My 22 year old daughter was treated rudely by two of the staff.

All this junk on board is way over priced. Water? Wine? I buy the same cheap wine at the grocery store for 1/3 the cost. The tender ticket saga for the boat ride over to Grand Cayman was a NIGHTMARE. I went early (45 minutes early) to get in line at Cleopatra’s Nook. There were already many people there, sitting around in chairs calling that the “line.” As I moved toward the back of the room to position myself in what was a poorly defined line, people started filling up all the chairs much further up than the “end of the chair line.” The woman behind me was really mad. She was right to be mad. These people were in effect, cutting the line by plopping down in chairs close to the front of the chair line…such as it was. She finally just went up there and told the all those people sitting around in the chair line waiting on the woman to arrive with the tickets that they needed to stand up, and make a real line, because nobody really knew where it started and ended. They did stand up and form a line.

The lady came and handed out the tender tickets. My family got in group one, but that didn’t matter when it came time. People with No. 2 group tickets were pushing and shoving. My oldest daughter had a baby in a stroller. She had a group 1 ticket, but when the disorganized crew opened the tape to let another group through, the No. 2 group ticket holders behind my daughter with the stroller almost trampled her and the baby. When she got through, she was crying really hard. It was just a horrible situation and very traumatic. Of course, they do call for all the people in motorized chairs to come first, but there also should be a call for young parents with small children or at least babies. NEVER EVER AGAIN.

As my husband said today, as we waited in yet another long line to re-board in Jamaica, “There are too many long lines to stand in.” We have both decided that we don’t care to cruise again for a very long time, if ever. I probably spent at least 1/2 day standing in lines. Too many wasted hours.’

As far as having a wonderful vacation, on a scale of 1 to 10, this is probably about a 3-4 at best. The food is pretty good, the service except occasionally is good, and the entertainment is good. Everything else pretty much “stinks.” Unless your company can come up with a way to insure me and my family that next time things will be better then you will never see the Terry family again.

My reply indicated that I couldn’t figure out what ship we had with a lounge called Cleopatra’s Nook but apologised for the cruise that Scott had experienced. However, thanks to an investigation by Kathy M and Angel B or Mrs Marple and Jessica Fletcher as we are calling them now………..it appears that this letter refers to the RCI ship Voyager of the Seas.

So this morning, as I sit here in my underpants, I am trying to decide if Scott wrote this to me thinking that the Voyager was part of the Carnival fleet or he or someone else posted it knowing that thousands of people will read it and think “Bugger me, better not cruise Carnival.” Or maybe ……like the doctors said to a man that walked into hospital, naked, covered only in Saran wrap ……………. “We can clearly see your nuts.”

You know, I have been writing this blog for 4 years. We now have 15,000 – 20,000 views a day and are rapidly approaching 10 million total views, which I am truly humbled by. Yet, I have seen such a change here and what used to be a genteel cute little furry purring hamster has turned into, at times, a huge bite your bollocks of Great White Shark.

Now I only have myself to blame for this because I decide what gets published here. The beards send me 10 questions everyday and it’s my choice if I answer or indeed post them. But I promised you all full disclosure and have lived by that promise. But boy oh boy……there are times when I miss the old days.

And there is little I can do about it. You see, I have come to learn that there’s no one in charge of this internet thing……….. Despite the claims of thousands of low pant-wearing teenage boys who proclaim themselves to be “King of the Internet.” The online world is where millions of people are trying to get through another day of posting amusing pictures of their dogs dressed as Superman, typing in CAPITAL LETTERS and pretending that they know everything about Carnival.

Overall though, the internet is a wonderful place and I still love writing the blog and reading everyone’s opinions, including those who think of me as the sperm of the devil. Mostly it remains a remarkably amiable place, the warm cuddly hamster lives on……..but the shark is always lurking……ready to eat your spleen for breakfast.

A few months ago I learnt from my friends at Cruise Critic that over there the sharks are called “trolls,” who if I understand this correctly are anonymous posters who sit naked, in their mother’s attic making inflammatory comments. And we are seeing them here as well. You know, the more I think about it the more I think that these sharks/trolls are getting some kind of high off others outrage. It’s a bit like a young boy farting silently at the breakfast table then laughing out loud, “Oh my God, that smell has curdled the milk and melted my Cheerios. WHY would you DO that, John, WHY?”

It seems typical shark/troll behaviour is to write that I am a bastard, offer bugger all customer service and talk out of my big fat white arse or that taking a Carnival cruise is about as much fun as a week in a Turkish prison. Then the true Carnival fans round on the shark/troll for blasting him or her for being an idiot with no more right to live on God’s green earth than a dung beetle.

And listen, I am my own worst enemy; I know that I shouldn’t take it personally when people accuse me of all sorts of things when all I ever wanted to do was to help people. But like Kye ignores me when I tell her that Barney is an evil dinosaur that should be flushed down the toilet……I ignore your advice “not to feed the sharks and the trolls” and don’t satisfy their need for attention.

But I need to……I need not to worry about the things people say. Firstly, it’s a waste of time that could be spent watching TV or deciding which photo of Megan Fox’s bottom should be my screen saver. And, secondly, there’s always the feeling that, as I get all defensive the shark/troll is rubbing sitting in their attic, rubbing their hands in glee…….or worse……..rubbing other things!

So I need to do better and I need not to let the trolls get to me. I need to make this if I can a troll-free blog. This then is the Dead Sea Trolls.

Meanwhile this total mean spirited way of being is getting old and the only way to combat the nastiness is with pleasantries and fruit baskets………..otherwise, we all become trolls.

Or…………we could just tell them all to BUGGER OFF!

Let’s see what today’s Q and A has in store for us. Off we go.

Rebecca F Asked:
John,

Reply!!!!

I am a strict vegetarian and need to know which of your soups you serve at dinner are 100% meat free. I read on Cruise Critic that the soups are not always meat free and that this fact is hidden from the menus and that because the servers speak poor English they will answer yes even though they don’t know. This will be our first Carnival experience and I need this information. We are on the Dream on April 2nd.

John Says:
Hello Rebecca F

Well, I see you posted this 7 weeks ago and you have probably given up on me answering for which I apologise. I hope you are reading this as I need you to know that the information you read is simply not true. I checked with the fleet’s executive chef and he has kindly sent me a list of all the soups that are 100% vegetarian. They are available at lunch and at dinner and will include the following:

• Creme Dubarry
• Caribbean Pepper Pot
• Old-Fashioned German Lentil
• Chilled Essence of Fennel and Celery
• Cream of Spinach
• Cream of Sun-Ripened Tomatoes
• Black Bean Soup
• Chilled Cucumber Soup
• Yukon Gold Potato Cream
• Old-Fashioned German Lentil
• Wild Mushroom Cream
• Asparagus Vichyssoise
• Corn Chowder Maryland
• Cream of Garden-Fresh Broccoli
• American Navy Bean
• Minestrone Milanese
• Potage Saint Germain
• Gazpacho Blanc
• French Onion Soup
• Chilled Avocado
• Chilled Butternut Squash
• Italian-Style Tomato and Borlotti Bean

I hope this helps and I wish you a wonderful cruise full of tasty meat-free soups.

Best wishes
John

Vcinny Asked:
John Please Reply

There is a large Cruise Critic group sailing with you on the Trans Atlantic cruise and we are starting to talk online about all the different events the group would like to do. I have an idea and before I post it I wanted to ask you if it would be possible. I want the group to have a private Behind the Fun Tour. I know we will still have to pay and not everyone will be able to go but I think it would be a wonderful service if you offered this. Then there is Karaoke. I read on your blog today that you will be having a private Karaoke party for the bloggers on your bloggers cruise and that made me think that this would be a fun thing for our group to do as well.

Can you tell me as soon as possible if these two events can be done? You would be making many Cruise Critic readers very happy.

Thank you

John Says:
HelloVcinny

Well again I need to start with an apology for the delay in replying. The bloggers cruise was a huge success and certainly the Superstar Live karaoke private event was a lot of fun…..apart from some fat sod singing that he felt like a woman.

So let me say that I won’t be able to offer the group a private Behind the Fun tour. This will be limited to probably three or four times during the 16-day voyage and to make one of those an exclusive one for a specific group would just not be fair. However, I think we could possibly have a private karaoke event. Normally there is a charge for when groups do this but I will waive that charge in this case as we are all on the same ship for 16 days. Now the concern I have here is that as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I need to organise everything through one person otherwise it becomes a mess. I understand that the group leader or organiser is a chap called Hank and if he would like me to arrange this private karaoke session I would be happy to do so. It’s just easier for me and the staff onboard to have one contact person rather than many. Hope that’s OK and please pass this message to Hank if you are able. I look forward to seeing you soon

Best wishes
John

Randy and Laura Asked:
Please Reply

Howdy from Texas John! Well, as much as we wanted to sail with you this summer on the Carnival Magic, it just isn’t going to happen. One of these days we have to meet up again. I’m sure you remember the last time…Ok, probably not. (1992 on the Ecstasy – lol) We were both a lot younger then. The good news is we are getting to sail on Carnival Victory on 4/17/11 for my birthday on 4/21. I have respectfully requested under separate cover our Chefs Table Reservation for 4. My sister and her husband will be joining us for her 1st platinum cruise. Laura and I have enjoyed these perks previously and they are awesome! Could you please attempt to arrange a table for the 4 for us by the window in the dining room at the 8:15 seating? Our room numbers are 7217 (Laura and Randy) and 7211 (Scot and Stacy). I know there are no guarantees, but anything you can do is appreciated. Thank you for whatever the outcome is!

John, keep up the good work on the blog. I read it every day and have loved each and every one except the ones the beards were doing (just kidding, they did a great job filling in). I have just started traveling each and every week for my job and, based on my experience, I know how much you miss your girls. At least I get to go home on weekends.

Keep your chin up. All of our best to you and your family.

Randy and Laura

John Says:
Hello Randy and Laura

Ye indeed, we were a lot younger in those days and these days I am starting to feel really, really old. I am so sorry that you won’t be joining me on your Carnival Magic but I am though happy that you will be on the Carnival Victory and I have written to the maitre d who will do his best to get you your table for 4. Have a wonderful cruise and thanks so much for all your kind words.

Best wishes to all
John

Simon, Serena, Brandon and Libby Asked:
Hi, John (please reply)

Just had to tell you that Julius our waiter on our recent Liberty cruise was the best we have ever had in 12 cruises and our kids haven’t stopped talking about him. Please can you pass this on to his boss as he needs a raise and it is because of people like him and others that we love Carnival?

Thank you John

John Says:
Hello Simon, Serena, Brandon and Libby

I certainly will do as you requested and when Julius sees this I know that he will be smiling the biggest smile. Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I hope you all had the most brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

Donovan H Asked:
Please note that on January 29th I sent you a question to your blog. It is now February 11th and you still have not replied. I know you have apologized for having a back log but there no point offering this service if you cannot provide prompt customer service. My Mother and I are going on the Valor on March 27 and would like a table for 2 only for cabin 6319. This is very important to us both. Please respond today.

John Says:
Hello Donovan H

I apologise that it has taken so long to answer your question. I do try and provide the best customer service I can but I am just one man and I receive hundreds of comments each week and reply as quickly as I can. I see you are sailing now and I have asked someone to send this note of apology to you along with a little something from me. I hope you are having a great cruise.

Best wishes,
John

Daniel Asked:
Hi John (Please Reply If You Can)

I’m fairly new to your blog thingy and I absolutely love it! Your sense of humor, the stories, and everything you write is awesome. Definitely keeps me laughing!

I have a quick question. My fiancée and I are going on the Fascination on October 1 for our honeymoon. We booked through my fiancée’s travel agent friend. I asked the agent if we could request a table for two in the dining room, early seating, as it is our honeymoon and I’d love to surprise my future wife with a private table. The agent said she would work really hard to see if she could get this done for us, and I noticed that she put “honeymoon” under special occasion on our booking information.

When we first board the ship, should we go find the maitre d’ in our assigned dining room to see if they got my request and were able to fill it for me? It would be amazing if they could do this for me, but I understand that there are tons of people on the ship and would understand if they can’t. I figure I’d ask your opinion.

Thanks John!
Daniel (Cabin #U9)

John Says:
Hello Daniel

Congratulations on your pending marriage and we are all honoured that you have decided to join us for your honeymoon. I will certainly do my best for you and I am sure in this case we can work something out. As we are a few months away from the big day and to make sure your request doesn’t get lost, please can you post this again here on August 1, or if you can 2 weeks before you sail on my Facebook page. Wishing you both a wonderful life together.

John

Paul Asked:
PLEASE REPLY JOHN

Good evening John. I just wanted to let you know how my cruise on the Carnival Miracle went.

Embarkation: Ft. Lauderdale – This hasn’t changed since I embarked 5 years ago on the Carnival Legend. Unfortunately it’s still very slow and tedious not like in Miami and Port Canaveral. When will they make the change? It made my day longer as it was since I awake at 03:00am to get my plane at 07:25. Also that photo that they want you to take. We been up early, stuck in two airports, flew for 3.5 hours, on a bus, standing to arrange to get on the ship, you smell like whatever and our clothing haggard and they want to take a photo of us. Please give us a break.

Our Balcony Cabin: A site for sore eyes. It always made me feel at home. Our stateroom steward Jose Solis came in to introduce himself and asked that if we wanted anything just call. He also made us feel at home. Carnival’s people have always been the best as far as I’m concerned.

Bacchus Dining Room: We’ve always enjoyed Carnival’s delicious food and how it was presented. Team waiters Kodak and I’m sorry to say I forgot the other gentleman’s name were the best. In fact one evening the ship was rocking like being in a bath and I was having a different time walking through the dinner room and Kodak helped me from the table to the front of the dinner room. He was fantastic. Later we met him and his lovely wife in Curacao and he was the one who noticed me and introduced himself and his wife to us. I thought that was so great.

Phantom shows: Though I was exhausted and was unable to get there my wife did go and she felt they weren’t as impressive as on the other ships. The best show was the Ticket to Ride show

Food: What can I say other then to say I was in heaven every time I sat down to have a breakfast, lunch and of course the dinner. The food was hot and tasty every time you filled you plate.

We enjoyed the entire ship. Before dinner I would go and have some sushi, have a drink and sit and talk with new friends from new areas. In fact Mary Lou and I had the opportunity to go though every room, bar and area of the ship. Very colorful and inviting. Dr. Frankenstein’s Lab was very interesting and the Mad Hatter’s Ball was unbelievable.

Debarkation: Here I had some difficulties. We paid for the “Express Luggage.” We thought since we didn’t have any luggage to pick up we should be allowed to leave the ship at any time. Unfortunately I was told that I had to stay until my luggage was off the ship and placed in the proper zone for us to pick our luggage up. We kept explaining that we didn’t have any luggage to pick and that we had bought the “Express Luggage.” It seemed that no one understood what “Express Luggage” meant. We had to wait until much later and we almost missed our bus to the airport. People should be aware what “Express Luggage” means.

Other then a couple little difficulties our cruise was just what we expected – a great time and a restful time. In fact while we were on board during the week Mary Lou and I put our name down for another cruise next year on the Carnival Freedom to Panama. We are ready and waiting for next’s year cruise. I’m hoping to eventually attain the name, Carnival Platinum Cruiser.

Also, regarding my cruise I forgot to add one of the most important things Carnival did for me and that was going to the different ports.

Grand Turk: Wow, everyone needs to go here for sheer relaxation. I also bought a great watch which I really needed. For history I didn’t know that a space capsule had landed near Grand Turk when the American Space agency was just starting out.

Catalina Island: I didn’t go the island because of the tendering but from what I was told from my dinner friends, they said they totally enjoyed the day on the sands and the beautiful waters.

Aruba: I’ve always wanted to go to Aruba and it didn’t let me down. What a beautiful island. We took an excursion on a bus tour of the island explaining the history of the island. The second part of the excursions was to have us sit in a glass bottom boat under the water viewing the different fish, ships and anything you could view. I was very interesting and very historical.

Curacao: I loved this island. What excited me were the many different types of coloured buildings and the pontoon bridge that crossed the two areas of the city. It was very warm but a cool breeze. In fact as we arrived back to the ship a storm took place with winds and a warm rain. What amazed me was as soon as the storm came, it quickly disappeared. I asked a man who lived there and he said that occurred often. I loved Curacao.

Now that completes my entire fantastic, beautiful cruise on the Carnival Miracle.

Paul F. Pietrangelo

John Says:
Hello Paul F. Pietrangelo

Thank you Paul for that most brilliant review and it was written by someone I know loves cruising and loves the Carnival product. It seems like we need to get the message through to the crew about Luggage Express and I have sent this to the hotel director on the ship. I know that United States Customs insist that it is screened properly before it leaves the pier and that we have to hold the guests onboard until it is done, but we need to communicate this better to the guests. I have sent your complete report to the vessel and my only regret is that I was not onboard to share the experience with you. I am sure many others will use this review as a point of reference.

Thanks again Paul and best wishes to you and all the family
John

Paulette Larson Asked:
John

Please reply

While on the dream last month we were recommended to go to a beach called divi little bay. This recommendation was given by our waiter Edgar. When we arrived we discovered it was a clothing optional beach and it was disgusting. I complained to the maître d and to the guest services desk but never received an apology and my husband and me were too embarrassed and to angry to go back to dinner and were forced to eat on lido deck for supper for the last 2 nights. I have written to customer service and have had no reply. This has left such a bad taste in my mouth that I am considering not cruising again with carnival

John Says:
Hello Paulette Larson

I am very sorry that your cruise finished the way it did. However, in the defence of the waiter I am sure he recommended Divi Beach because he thought it was a lovely place to go. Now I have never been there so I don’t know but I do know that often the waiters and other crew will recommend the place that they regularly visit, which is not necessarily the places that we would recommend our guests should visit. That’s why we have a guest services desk and a shore excursion team. I do not that think Edgar recommended this beach in order to embarrass you and I think it is unfortunate that he wasn’t given a chance to apologise to you because you both didn’t return for dinner. I hope that when you look at the big picture you will realise that you had a great time and not let this stop you from returning to Carnival. Best wishes to you both.

John

KP Asked:
John Please reply!

We will be cruising on the Magic on its first sailing from Galveston and wondered if there would be a naming ceremony or any special things done for the passengers.

Love your blog

Thanks
KP

John Says:
Hello KP

While we will be hosting the naming ceremony during the ship’s European schedule, we will doing some things to make the Carnival Magic’s first-ever cruise from Galveston extra special. At this time I can’t give any details away but……I will be able to soon…….so watch this space.

Thanks for the kind words.

Best wishes
John

Laurie Asked:
John Please reply,

We will be going on the April 9th cruise of the Carnival Dream. This will be the first time our friends and ourselves are making it a kids included vacation. Usually it is just the four of us. Is there anything we can do to make the kids have an unforgettable moment? Is there anyone they can meet that they would think was exciting? I know there are 3000+ people on board but I want something to happen to make these kids stand out. Thanks

John Says:
Hello Laurie

I wanted to wish you and the family the most wonderful cruise. Please can you write a letter before you get onboard and say something as to why your children are so important to you and how much you love them?  Leave this for the cruise director’s attention at the guest services desk and Butch will read this out live on his morning show and maybe send them a little something as well. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes to all
John

That’s all for today, more of your questions answered on Facebook every day. But this will be the last blog this week as Thursday and Friday I intend to spend with the girls before I fly to Italy and your Carnival Magic. I will be on Facebook every day though for you and next week will mark the start of the first of many behind the scenes blogs about the delivery of a new ship.

Talking of your Carnival Magic I have to report that bookings are going quite well and we can’t wait to see the industry’s most famous cruise ship funnel in Italy, Spain, Croatia and beyond. There may be some people who have still yet to organise their summer vacation so if that’s the case…….come and see me…….let me show you our new ship and let me show you Europe. It will be a brilliant experience I promise.

So as we are talking about Carnival Magic, we had better have a look at her. Here she is during her very successful sea trials.

You have to say that she looks stunning doesn’t she?

Before we move forward with some important info, I just wanted to pass along the attached item from my mate Vance in public relations who has some wonderful news about Carnival awarding some special students with full college scholarships at Sunday’s Heat game:

http://carnival-news.com/2011/03/30/carnival-presents-high-school-students-with-full-four-year-college-scholarships-during-halftime-of-miami-heat-game/

Now earlier today I had a conference call with Captain Cutugno who is in Italy with the ship. We spoke about the first voyage and planned that very busy first day as we sail from Venice to Barcelona on her inaugural cruise. We needed to plan pilot times and it is a very busy day. I know many of you are sailing with us on this voyage so here then is the schedule.

2 PM                           NAMING CEREMONY

3:30PM                       WELCOME ORIENTATION PORT INFORMATION TALK WITH BIG                                  FAT CD JOHN

4:15PM                       ALL VISITORS ASHORE

4:30PM                       ALL BAR SERVICE STOPS AND FIRST SAFETY                                                                     BRIEFING ANNOUNCEMENT GIVEN

4:45PM                       SAFETY BRIEFING STARTS

5:15PM                       BRIEFING FINISHES/BAR SERVICE RESUMES

5:30PM                       SAILING FROM VENICE – APPROX

5:45PM                       TRANSIT PAST ST MARKS SQUARE – APPROX

So, that’s the schedule as per the boss and I will do my best to make sure we adhere to that schedule as it will allow everyone to be outside to see the ship sail out of Venice with St. Marks Square on the port side. I intend to have the Three Tenors video playing on the big screen as we have done before.

Yesterday you met James the ACD of your Carnival Magic and today I want you to meet someone else although for many………he is a dear friend. Here then is a video of the senior maitre d of your Carnival Magic…………the incomparable Ken “No Surrender” Byrne.

That was the last time I worked with Ken and I cannot wait to do so again and I am sure you can’t wait to be in his dining room again.

Let’s change the pace a bit now and pop on over to Jaime the ACD on the Carnival Pride, who wanted to share this memorable moment with you all.

And here is Jaime.

Hi John,

This was a letter we received this week for the morning show. We followed up with the couple later, and this is ACTUALLY how she revealed to her husband that she was pregnant. Can you imagine??? Kirk is the person that actually told this fellow that his wife is pregnant! I mean really…what if Kirk had been the one to tell you via the morning show that Heidi was pregnant? Kirk was ecstatic.

We felt so honored to be a part of this special message that we wanted to share it with you and the bloggers.

We are looking forward to vacation now; just a few weeks away and we’re off to that beautiful condo on the beach in San Diego.

Love to you, Heidi and Kye as you’re heading out to Italy
Jaime and Kirk from the Carnival Pride

Wonderful story……..something that would never happen in a hotel or resort and is unique to the environment a cruise gives. Brilliant stuff and please can I tell Kirk when you have a bun in the oven?

It is also a sad week though as we say goodbye to one of our most popular cruise directors Mr Chris Jefferson. As you may know he is off to become a father and his world is about to become one filled with joy, happiness, bugger all sleep and the smell of baby poo. I wanted to thank him for all the wonderful work he has done and the fun he has given so many people, many of whom are reading this blog. And I wanted to share this note from Chris with all of you.

Dear Guests and Team Members…

Thanks for a great time at CCL. It’s been nearly 12yrs and it has flown by! I will miss Carnival but it’s time to go home and be a husband and a daddy! It has been a pleasure working alongside some amazing people from all over the world; I have learned so much from them and enjoyed learning about their cultures.

To those guests who have sailed with me it has been a pleasure serving and entertaining you. For those guests who are reading this blog and didn’t get to sail with me, then I can only say you missed the best!!!

Not too sure who this John Heald bloke is but he certainly comes in a close second. Here are a couple of pictures from my retirement party very kindly thrown by our fantastic Captain & Hotel Director and my brilliant Asst. Cruise Director James (who will be a CD very soon!) and Musical Director Alan. I had a joint party with our Chief Engineer Alfonso Verdoliva (who retired after 35yrs with CCL) and it was attended by loads of team members. A special thanks to the Conquest Entertainment dept. for their generous gift to help out Emily and I stock up with lots of needed items for our nursery.

If you want to keep up with the Jeffersons then log onto our website and blog at: www.inthepucliceye.co.uk/TheJeffersons

All the best and happy sailings with Carnival.
Chris

Thanks Chris and I must send my own thanks and congratulations to Chief Engineer Alfonso Verdoliva who has given so much and whom I wish a wonderful retirement to.

So thanks Chris and we all wish you and Emily and your little thingy the most wonderful, healthy and happy life and we will miss you.

Well as I said I leave for Italy this coming Monday and while I am away Heidi’s Mum will be coming to stay. She arrives this evening actually and while I love her very much I always know that when she comes to stay that things change. Heidi cooks healthy food. The house is hotter than a hamster in a microwave and yet knowing all of this, nothing prepared me for what I found when I went downstairs just now for my Tuesday lunch time cup of tea.

Heidi was getting the house ready before going to the airport to collect her and I was horrified to discover……she had moved my “man space”…….…the only bit I have in the whole house……. my chair. This is the most important thing in the house as far as I am concerned. It was placed in the perfect position to give me the best view of the television, nothing was blocking the view and if anything ever did I would kick it out of the way. That’s the law. If something is blocking your view of the TV you must kick it out of the way. Wives, pets, mother in laws and small children …..none shall escape the Heald boot……this is not that feng shui bollocks….. this is man shui.

Anyway, Heidi had moved my chair because she wanted to rearrange the furniture a bit before Mum arrived because after I leave for your Carnival Magic her Mum likes to sit in my Lazy Boy chair!

What………no, no, no sodding no……that is one of the most important man rules…….. nobody sits in the chair but you! Having rumpy pumpy with another man’s wife is unacceptable, as is seeing a naked person on a beach in St. Martin, but sitting in my chair is a far worse crime.

Heidi had also committed another crime. Not only had she suggested that her Mother would be sitting in my chair but she had decorated it with ………and some of you may want to look away or have a bucket standing by in which to collect the vomit…….Heidi had decorated MY chair with cushions……………yes………………..fluffy brown cushions.  Oh FFS!

This is my chair and I cannot sit there and deliver sermons and opinions on things I know bugger all about (bit like some who post here and on the cruise boards) from a sea of cushions….…..my chair looks as manly and butch as Elton John’s underwear drawer. I remember my Dad’s chair from which he would lean down from and give me a good clip round the ear when I was naughty.

This is the piece of furniture that wives and partners hate the most, which makes it even more important. I am Kate Middlethingy will get annoyed at Prince Willie’s chair.

Heidi like most wives doesn’t seem to understand that it is where we men relax, unwind and put the world to rights from. Take a man’s chair away from him and chaos reigns. Look at newsreaders these days….they have been feminized by having to read the news standing up or perched on the end of the desk. My chair has also been feminized. I mentioned the girly cushions and they are not the worst thing…..nope….that title goes to the awful scented candles that surround my throne.

They smell of vanilla and are, according to Heidi, “romantic” and “set a relaxed mood” …..… well, we shall see how the scent survives after I have eaten a curry this evening. They don’t understand that from this chair is where a man must by law flick through all 150 channels pausing for no longer than 1.5 seconds on each…..unless he sees sports……or Megan Fox’s bottom.

So, just before I go I want to thank you all for continuing to read the blog thingy. I know that doing so puts me in the firing line and that the trolls, sharks, Carnival haters and people who wish that the fat British bastard would just shut up and quit will keep on writing here. But I am not going to stop.

You see, spilling my guts to an invisible audience feels good. There are undisputed cardio benefits. Is there then a temptation to expose more and more of yourself, like a Latvian striptease artist peeling off her clothes? Yes……..I guess there is but for now I am going to keep on getting naked and not give a two shiny shites if that upsets the few……….until the few become the many.

My biggest fears are there’s a worry that I spend more time on my blog than with my family.  How I am going to manage the blog, Facebook and bringing out a new ship. Will the Miami Heat win the NBA championship? And……..why did nobody ever tell me that I could see naked people at the beach in St. Martin?

Goodnight

Your friend
John

However, he wasn’t the only one to administer a bollocking to me about my language because I used the word “trash” instead of “rubbish” while talking to my father on the phone. And being a retired high school principal he turned into William Shakespeare and threatened his footeth wouldeth be forever upeth my arseeth………..if I ever spoke American in his presence again.

But it’s not just me. Kids here in the UK all speak like they are on the set of Glee. “Whatever” ……..“Shuuuuuut up” are the watchwords of today’s British children.

I guess that with Disney’s 24 hour channel on TV there is some excuse for this. But it’s not just the kids. I was with my mate Alan the other day and we were talking about something and he said “that sucks.” Now a 12 year old saying “what ev eeerrr” is one thing but a 46 year old man from Southend on Sea saying “that sucks” is not OK. Surely he must realize (spelt incorrectly Mr Geoff) saying this makes him look like a stupid sod.

My father has always said that American speak is slowly overtaking “proper” English. Well Dad, I am sorry to say it’s not slowly overtaking ………it’s here…….and has overtaken “proper English” like a drag race between an Aston Martin……….and a hamster on a skateboard.

There are so many to choose from. “Can I get…” has replaced “May I have…” when ordering in a restaurant. Estate agents are not called that any more; they are real estate agents and they don’t sell flats any more, only “apartments.”

Biscuits are now cookies, which would have my grandmother spinning in her grave. We don’t go to the cinema, we go to the movies and God help us……the loo has become the restroom. Bugger me……….is nothing sacred?

I’ve nothing against Americanisms when used by people called Hank Yankedoodle. It’s when people called William St John Smyth use them ………. it’s just wrong. But the battle is lost. It’s elevator not lift. It’s vacation not holiday and the way this is going it won’t be long until the Queen is saying “It is wonderful to meet y’all.”

There is one saying that gets the hairs on my ass (spelt incorrectly) standing on end and it happens on the ships to me all the time. And I can’t help myself. I know this is rude but it’s the one thing I just cannot stand and if someone asks me I have to give them the same answer. It usually goes something like this:

GUEST “Excuse me, do you know the best way to get to St Mark’s Square”

ME “Yes”

And then I just stand there……………..staring. I mean, the question was “Do I know the best way to get to St. Mark’s Square” Well…………….yes I do thanks.

If you had asked, “Can you tell me the best way to get to St Mark’s Square?” I would have answered yes, followed by an exactly how to do so. This used to be something only Americans and Canadians would say but now the Brits are doing it to. And it’s a shame.

Still, there’s one US word that we haven’t yet adopted and it’s the one that they use for “arse,” but which we use for something else entirely. Yes, when we start asking, “Does my fanny look big in this?” the empire will have fallen.

Time for today’s Q and A……….off we go.

Joe Garcia Asked:
Hello John:

Please Reply

I was about to book my first Carnival cruise many years and now I am really nervous to do so. The last time I cruised was with my parents on the old ship Celebration and I had a total blast. Now I am married with 2 kids and was thinking about going on the Paradise. We live in Orange County, California and this would be just great for us but I saw the reviews on Cruise Critic and now I am not sure what to do. Here is what folks are saying.

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=79317

It was while reading the Cruise Critic boards that I came across your blog and decided after reading it that you would be the best person to ask if this ship was the right choice for me and my family. Thank you for helping me.

Jose

I was trying to remember the name of the Cruise Director on the Celebration. He was a magician and had a lion on the ship and his show was the best.

John Says:
Hello Joe Garcia

Let me answer your last question first. The CD you are referring to is called Rand Woodbury and he did indeed have a cougar that lived onboard. His name was Geo and the show as you said was brilliant. Rand is no longer a CD but does his show (minus Geo, who has retired) on two of our ships. So, welcome back to Carnival and please remember one simple thing. If you were to go to the place on Cruise Critic where they store the reviews, you will find many, many more positive ones than negative. I didn’t read the links you sent me Joe and I want to be honest and tell you that. You see, these are based on opinions and the only opinion that matters is yours. I can tell you that you and your family will have the best of times if you go with an open mind and ready to let the crew serve and entertain you. So, read the negative ones, read all the positive ones and then decide.

Tell you what…………..has any other blog reader sailed on the Carnival Paradise recently and would like to say a few words for Joe? Please do if you are able. Have a great cruise Joe and my best wishes to you and the family.

John

Richmond Gal Asked:
please reply

My fiancé and I will be sailing the Legend out of Tampa for our Honeymoon in July. I can’t wait! He… well, he is having cruiser remorse. He’s starting to regret booking the trip because we have cruised together twice before. He feels like our honeymoon won’t be special enough because it will be like a repeat vacation. We will certainly be sitting front row for the Newly Wed / Not-so-Newly Wed Game (that is a souvenir not to be missed if we can make it on the show). We also have a balcony booked for the very first time. I’m looking for other ideas to make this his dream honeymoon. I basically begged to go on a cruise, and now I feel guilty because I think he is going to be disappointed. Any suggestions on how to make this trip different than the others??? So he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out or repeating the other vacations? Thanks in advance– and thank you for your wonderful blog!

John Says:
Hello Richmond Gal

Edible underwear, jello and handcuffs.

Best wishes
John

John Actually Says:
Hello Richmond Gal

Sorry……couldn’t resist the edible underwear joke. I bought Heidi a pair once but I ate them before I got home. Anyway…….I am sure that the staff will make this a honeymoon you will never ever forget. Please book a meal in the steakhouse and that night take a walk on the deck, under the stars and remind yourselves just how much you love each other. The balcony will be perfect for a morning cup of coffee and a late night glass of champagne which if you remind me two weeks before you sail I will send you and…..I can’t promise……….but if you remind me on my Facebook page 2 weeks before you sail I will do my best to get you in the newly wed game and send you a little something as well to help celebrate.

Best wishes to you both
John

Rochelle Phipps Asked:
Hi John,

Reply if you have time

I am a relatively recent reader of your blog. I came across your blog after going on the Carnival Glory last August here in NY. First let say that George was a great CD at first I was surprised at your openness in the blog because I am one of those with a Facebook page with very little info. However, over the past few months I have come to appreciate your candor and I have learned so much from your blogs. I am not a frequent cruiser, having only been on 5 cruises (all Carnival) since 1986 but your blogs have encouraged me to try and change that habit so that I can try out the many things I have learned on this blog from you and my fellow bloggers. I am now trying to get my family to go on the special 8 day Christmas cruise out of San Juan in Dec. And hopefully go to Alaska in 2012.

As a New Yorker, today’s blog about the meeting of the three ships made me feel real great about my city. As the historical person that I am, I spent some of my morning looking at some of your old blogs from the beginning and came across a Q&A from your Oct 11, 2007 blog that dealt with this today’s blog. Below is a copy of the post.

“GREG BALDASARRI – What a good question. What will the gifted people at Cunard do to top the soon to be launched magnificence that is Queen Victoria? Answer, I have no idea but it is going to be fun finding out. I wonder if this blog thingy will be around in 2010? Hope all is well with you mate and thanks as always for another great posting.” Oct 11, 2007.

Over three years later, we are past the year 2010 and Cunard has added a beautiful ship to their fleet and most importantly your blog is still around and going strong. Keep doing what you are doing, but make sure you take care of your family first. Hopefully 3 years from now, I will still be reading your blog and will have had the opportunity to have you as my cruise director.

Rochelle

John Says:
Hello Rochele Phipps

It is indeed very apt that the beards should send me your question to answer today as we have a special Cunard blog coming up in a moment. I am so very thankful to you for taking the time to read my daily musings. I realise that they are not for everyone but when people take the time to tell me how much they appreciate what I do…..well……..it certainly gives me the energy to continue to write each day. I hope that I will still be writing in years to come and that you will be there to read it. And I hope that you get to see Alaska next year and if there is anything I can do to help you please let me know. Best wishes to you and the family and thank you again for the kind words.

John

Jason Buckley Asked:
Hi John,

I am starting to read your blog more and more as I just booked my first ever cruise for April 3rd 2011 on the GLORY, and I decided to go all out with a suite (7329), since 1: its my first cruise, and 2: I am cruising for my birthday April 6th…you better Belize, that I will be in Belize on my birthday!!! Anyways, what I was hearing about was the “chef’s” table that is only offered one day a cruise for only 12-14 people. I have heard from different people I have spoken with 2 different things about booking this. First was from the awesome and nice lady named Heidi who I actually booked through, she said that I need to get a hold of you for the booking. Second, I keep getting a call from a guy named Theo, who says I can only book this once I board the ship…

Who is right? I am a chef by trade out here in the Bay Area California, and have eaten at many fine restaurants at the chefs table and I always absolutely love the experience, which means I really don’t want to miss this chance!!! I have heard it includes a behind the scene tour of the kitchen as well, which would be awesome to see, as I can only imagine what it is like to cook 24 hours a day for thousands of people! I hope that you can help with an advanced booking, and if you can, next time you are in the San Francisco California area, I can get you hooked up at my restaurant! Thanks for anything that you might be able to do in advanced!

I am so excited, only a little over 2 months to go!!! I hope I can get a response by you in that time!

Take care,
Jason Buckley

John Says:
Hello Jason Buckley

I am not sure who Theo is but it doesn’t matter as I am definitely able to get you a Chef’s Table spot for your cruise. This is an experience that you will truly enjoy and I hope that you can find a few moments to tell me all about it when you get home. It does include a tour of the galley while it is in operation so please let me take care of this for you and you will receive confirmation in a few days. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

Stephanie AKA Hockey Addict Asked:
Hi John!!(Please reply whenever you get time, no hurry at all!)

Well, our January cruise is officially over and of course we are super sad! I wanted to make sure you knew that ALL of the crew on the Carnival Fascination were fantastic, AGAIN. This was our 4th cruise on her and she is still perfect! ALL of the crew were super friendly and sweet! I wanted to let you know of some of your shining stars on the Carnival Fascination. Some of them we cruised with in October, and some new ones we haven’t met before.

Where to start…. that is the hard part. I guess I will start by saying this was kind of a cruise of firsts for hubby and I. This was the first cruise where we had a female CD, female Steward-ess and assistant Steward-ess, and a female assistant in the dining room!

Jen Baxter…. WOW… I was reading some of the things that were said on Cruise Critic. I of course went with an open mind! I loved Jen. She was very friendly, energetic, funny, sweet and would stop and talk to you any time! It would be my pleasure to sail with her anytime! She is a true gem!

Our Steward-ess’… I know I am going to mess up the spelling of their names but I will try…. Oksana and Alana were super sweethearts. I have never had a monkey towel animal and hubby had gone to Oksana without me knowing and told her that I have never had one and that I really wanted one. One night she made my monkey, AND she also made the frog and a puppy. (the smaller version of the dog) OK so I am a kid at heart and LOVE the towel animals. I screamed so loud when I saw them, I could have sworn that she would hear me all the way down in her cabin! The next morning after breakfast we ran up to our room to drop off our cameras and there was a kitten towel animal! I’ve never had one made for me during the middle of the day and it took me by surprise! This time Oksana was in the hall and I think she heard me scream! She just giggled at me when I went to thank her. Little things like this make me happy and smile…. and both of them put a smile on our faces the whole cruise! I think they spoiled us…. ok, I know they did! They took perfect care of us and I hope we get to see them again one day!

When we first stepped onto the Lido deck at embarkation I told hubby and the other couple that we were sailing with that I had to look for “Ninja”. Ninja is a bar waiter from Indonesia that we sailed with in October. He took such good care of us. When I saw Ninja standing on the Lido deck talking to a group of people I was so excited. I was very happy to see him and I knew that we would have some fun with him on board again with us! Ninja’s birth name is I Nengah. I don’t know how we started calling him Ninja in October but it stuck…. I guess when I looked at his name tag the first time with all of those Fun Ship Specials running through my veins, that is what I saw! He is super funny and friendly and he deserves acknowledgment for running around that Lido deck, making us laugh, and being super sweet!

Amy from Mexico City…. well, that’s what we call her… it’s a long story so I won’t get into it or bore you…. When I walked into the Passage to India bar the first night and saw her in there I walked up to her and asked if she was Amy from Mexico City, she looked at me and got a big grin on her face…. she said… oh my gosh!! Gave me a big hug and she said she was happy to see me. In October she was our Bar waitress in the dining room that always had our drinks waiting for us. She remembered us and we went and talked to her a couple times during the cruise. Her real name is Alny and she is from Thailand. She had one more 4 day cruise before she went home. Her next contract is on the Carnival Splendor. I told her that she is lucky that she is going there and that I thought it was a compliment to her because Carnival seems like they are getting a lot of good people lined up to go there. She blushed and thanked me. She is so easy to talk with and a true sweetheart. I also sailed with Felipe in the past and LOVE him too!

We got really lucky and got to get off of the ship in Half Moon Cay. The crew had told us that they have been unable to tender guests for the past 2 months due to bad seas. In October there was a thunderstorm so we missed it and had a day at Freeport instead. We’ve been there 3 times now and we will never get tired of it! We rented the Cabana and it was worth every penny. The new bar that they added to the beach is really cool. I just hope they don’t add too much more…. I think what is there now is perfect!

I can not forget our fabulous dining room staff and Maitre D’. It’s had for me to admit that I can’t remember his name. I always remember stuff like that. I guess I am getting old! His theme song is 007… you know who that is, right?!?! Just kidding… anyway…. he was all over that dining room every night talking to all of the guest’s. He was the first Maitre D’ that I have seen that got up and danced with all of us. Very professional and fun! (Sensation dining room)

Anytime Dining. This was the first time that we have chosen Anytime Dining and we will always choose this from now on. It’s perfect for us. I am so glad that Carnival added this! And of course the food was excellent every meal in the dining room, Lido and those early morning BLT’s from room service!

The first night when we went to the dining room we had asked for a table for four. (2 couples) We were told it would be a short wait and they gave us one of the beeper thingy’s that could be used anywhere on the ship except our rooms. About 10 minutes later the beeper thingy went off and we headed to the dining room. There we met our 3 servers. Tri, our head waiter, Antonius our Team waiter and Ni Made our Assistant waiter. I asked Tri if all 3 of them were going to be taking care of us and he said yes…. I soon saw why…. they have quite a few tables to take care of at the same time and Tri needed the help of Ni Made and Antonius. Let me tell you, these 3 are the BEST. They are another perfect example of why we love Carnival and will never go to another cruise line. They made our dining room experience so memorable and I will never forget them. After the first night in there we asked for them every night. We didn’t care if we had to wait 2 hours. We had to have them serve us. I couldn’t say enough nice things about them. Ni Made even got me to get up and dance with her! That doesn’t happen much! And of course…. I teared up like a baby saying goodbye. =(

Eli was our Assistant CD. He hosted the comedy club, I think you call it something else now, and was very funny. He also was in the Liar’s club. All 5 of the crew members that participated in the Liar’s club was fantastic. We laughed the hardest during this show then any of the comedian’s! I wish I could remember all of their names, there goes that old age setting in again!

That is all that I can think of for now…. if I think of anything else I will pop you a note on Facebook. PLEASE forward all of these people to Carnival for me. I haven’t gotten an online comment card via email and really want them to know that all of the crew were perfect and the ones I mentioned above are true stars in your Carnival family.

Thank you for being here for all of us to answer our 1,000,000,000,001 questions. I appreciate you, and I know so many others do too!

Wishing you, Heidi and Kye all the best!!

I hope this wasn’t too long!

Steph

P.S. We am still wanting to sail with you. We have to see where you will be late 2011!

Oh! I almost forgot! Don’t be upset that you wrote what you did about your late night phone call! (I saw on FB that you were feeling bad about writing it) That was uncalled for! They should have never done that in my opinion! That’s crazy!!! Some people just think they are special I guess!

John Says:
Hello Stephanie AKA Hockey Addict

Brilliant! What an absolutely brilliant review. Let me start by saying a huge thank you for sitting down to write this. I know it must have taken a long time to do so but we all appreciate you telling us about your cruise. I want to say a big thank you for telling me about Jen Baxter. I am very happy to read that you found her to be an excellent CD. The crew you mentioned are the shining example of what our crew are all about and each and everyone you mentioned will all receive a copy of this via the hotel director and the Fantasy class vice president and that I can tell you will make their day. I hope we get to sail together one day soon and I thank you for your loyalty to Carnival and your kind words of support for me and the blog. It was as I said a brilliant review. Best wishes to you and yours.

John

Seth C Asked:
John,

I have to tell you how sick to the stomach I am of you sending free gifts to people on demand. I am a Platinum cruiser and why have I spent thousands of dollars on cruises when all someone has to do to get a table with the Chef, fruit baskets and other gifts is to tell you that its their anniversary etc and you send them whatever they want. It is not fair and I GUARANTEE other Platinum passengers will agree. REPLY TO THIS PLEASE

Guarantee

John Says:
Hello Seth C

Let me say first of all a big thank you for your loyalty for Carnival and congratulate you on your Platinum status. I hope you are enjoying all the benefits this brings. I am sorry though that I have to say how me sending someone a bottle of champagne or a few apples to someone to help celebrate a special occasion hurts or affects you? I try to help as many people as I can and if you were to ask I would be honoured to help you as well. I can assure you that nobody gets a free place at The Chef’s Table from me though. I hope we get to sail together one day soon and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes
John

Helen Asked:
Hi John

I have a question for you… for all of us that are not American citizens, (Aliens) disembarking in Miami is a breeze, fill out the form on board, go to a separate line to clear customs but my concern is Tampa, I have booked Legend and thinking of cancelling and leaving out of Miami instead for the following reason. I have been told that on the last day of the cruise I will have to show up at 6 30 in morning to clear customs while on the ship in the likes of the theatre. Why is that we can not get through USA customs like we do in Miami? It makes our last day of the cruise very long, considering most of have a very long trip to get home. IE last cruise I was off the ship by 9:45 in morning and arrived back in Canada and to our home at 8:30 at night. Can not anything be done to ease clearing customs in Tampa? I know customs is not a Carnival job but can Carnival work with them to come up with something better?

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Helen

I am sorry to say but Carnival has no control at all as to how our guests are processed through United States Customs and Border Protection. They decide when and how and it is different in each home port but non US citizens do not have to disembark any earlier than others. You will be called off by your tag or zone number which you will receive from your stateroom steward on the last day of the cruise. Please don’t worry. It’s going to be a long morning of travelling regardless but the Carnival Legend is a magnificent ship and she will give you so many memories to look back on during the journey home.

Have a wonderful cruise

Best wishes
John

Paul S Asked:
John Please reply

My wife and me will be with you on the Magic in July and are trying to decide what tour to take in Dubrovnik. I am thinking about the country home tour in Konavle. Have you done this and is it any good. Thanks so much

Paul and Terri

John Says:
Hello Paul S

Ahhhh the Country Home Tour in Knovale. This was always one of Heidi and my favourite tours………anywhere. It is a pure example of how they used to live and how they live now ….. and you will see that there is very little difference. The home is situated deep in the heart of the Croatian countryside and has seen five generations live there. They have seen good times and bad times and the bedtimes of course meaning the early 90s when civil war saw many thousands perish. The family were forced to run to the hills and the Bosnian forces actually overtook their home and it was only when the war ended that they were able to return. The family are virtually self sufficient as they have always been and they will show you how they grow their own vegetables and still use donkey power to press the olive oil that is made there.

After a tour of the countryside and gardens and the house itself you will sit down as a family and enjoy a traditional Croatian lunch remembering everything…and I mean everything is grown or raised right there. The family is also musicians and…..… well ……. actually ……hold on ……. I am going to stop there because I don’t want to spoil the surprises. Let me just say this ……….. you will never forget this trip and the families’ amazing hospitality. It is so nice to offer to bring a gift but it really is not needed. Just the fact that you are visiting them and of course the money they take from us when you buy the excursion is more than thank you enough. Take a photo with them or just shake their hand. They have been through so much yet as you will see…….they are a family united ……….and oh yes………watch out for grandma and her bottle of potato vodka!

See you soon

Best wishes to you both
John

Carnival Platinum Cruiser Asked:
John,

Reply:

One subject which I read on Cruise Critic all the time is the desire among Platinum cruisers for a “Platinum Past Guest Party” – or similar get together. Royal Caribbean and Celebrity do one so why not Carnival? It seems that Platinum rewards compared to other lines are poor. Look what CC members said when I asked

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1309742&highlight=brandonlees

We would all be interested to read your reply and defence!!!! Probably though like all my posts you will ignore it and instead to continue to bask in the glory your pathetic cheerleaders give you.

John Says:
Hello Carnival Platinum Cruiser

I will start by saying that once again, I didn’t read the link. I can’t talk about other cruise lines and what they do but I can say that I agree that we should absolutely hold a separate past guest party for our Platinum and Milestone guests and I continue to promote this idea to the senior beards. Let’s see what happens when the loyalty program changes are announced. I wish this would be soon because I have been talking about this for far too long now. Anyway, I would love to discuss this more with you but I am off to so some basking…………naked. Best wishes and thanks again for your loyalty

John

Alison D Asked:
Hi John,

Please reply.

This is rather a strange request but if anyone can help with it you can. I want to propose to my girlfriend. Yes, I am a girl too and that’s my dilemma. You see my partner has always wanted a romantic proposal and I thought that while we are on the Dream I would make her Dream so to say come true.

My question is that if I was to ask you to help me arrange this during a show or on a stage in front of the rest of the passengers, could you and as important do you think that the rest of the passengers would be uncomfortable. We live in Orlando and two lesbians walking the street hand in hand is nothing unusual but I am not so naive to think that this is accepted everywhere. So I am in your hands Mr John. We cruised with you on the Legend and were part of the Goth group which I am SURE you will remember. We cruise in August and I know I am way ahead of myself here but I have read that you are months behind on answering your questions so I thought it best to write now.

Thank you so much

Alison

John Says:
Hello Alison D

Well I certainly do remember the Goth cruise, especially the man that had wings, black eye balls, sharpened front teeth and his wife who had no problems showing the rest of the ship her 2 new purchases………..if you know what I mean.

I would be happy to help you arrange a public proposal during or just before a show. Maybe elegant night would be good and if this is something you are interested in please let me know.

As for if this would upset anyone. I will admit it would be a first for me but I honestly don’t think it would upset anyone so let’s move forward with this shall we? Please let me know if you wish me to start arrangements. Best wishes to you both

John

That’s all for today. Let’s take a break and this week all the cruise line presidents are gathered at recently renamed Cruise Shipping Miami Convention — it will always be Seatrade to me — for the annual pretend we like each other festival. One of those there is Cunard’s President and our man in London Mr. Peter Shanks. Here is his latest blog written just for us and I know as always that you will enjoy and appreciate his passionate writing.

Here then is Peter.

Queen Mary 2 at her best…

I do so much enjoy spending time on Queen Mary 2. Over recent months understandably many of us at Cunard Line have been nurturing Queen Elizabeth into her new career at sea. Spending time back on Queen Mary 2 has firmly reminded me of just how special she is. I joined in Sydney, and I have already written about the very special Service we had onboard for Australian Veterans. Leaving Sydney we sailed to New Zealand, spending a day in Wellington and I write this as the sun sets and we will arrive in Auckland in the morning. I have just snapped the view from my balcony;

This leg of the voyage has become especially poignant following the tragic events in Christchurch. We were meant to sail into Christchurch but had to go to Wellington instead. There was a lot of compassion onboard for Christchurch and rightly so. Whilst I was discussing with the Hotel Manager how we should start a collection for the Relief Appeal, one of the reception team came into the office to say that a guest was asking how they could donate to the appeal. So we were at one with our guests and we have since been collecting. On arrival into Wellington, and unbeknown to me , our Food and Beverage Team unloaded 5,000 bottles of water, and through the Port Agent arranged for it to be collected by HMS Canterbury of the New Zealand to be taken down to Christchurch. I say unbeknown to me — I was aware we were looking at doing something — but the F+B Team know me well enough that they did not have to ask.

What a lovely city Wellington is. It was a Sunday and many people were out on the beautiful harbor front. I took the shuttle bus into town and sat down over a coffee with the local paper and read of the distressing events in Christchurch. I have always admired New Zealanders — I hate to admit it but they are very good at Rugby and for a nation so far away from everywhere — they are very resilient and very successful. As we sailed out of Wellington there was a full rainbow to the port side of Queen Mary 2 — and I had a strange sense of the power of nature, nature that can deliver tragic consequences through earthquakes and at the same time reveal its true beauty.

I had two reasons for being on Queen Mary 2 — not that I normally need reasons. Firstly to spend time with our guests and the Ship’s Company and secondly to walk every area of the ship in preparation for the refit we have coming up in November of this year. And over the last few days I have been reminded of many of the special things about Queen Mary — and I thought I should share them with you. So, in no particular order, here come of the special things about Queen Mary 2 that I have witnessed over the last few days…

Secret of the Library — Up on deck 8 forward you will find our Bookshop and Library with over 16,000 books in many languages. I came across a delightful Australian couple who had found the secret — four white leather chairs and sofas that have a panoramic view over the bow of Queen Mary 2 — they looked so happy, so relaxed – and told me so — marvelous.

Jazz — Walking past the refurbished Chart Room, a classy jazz quartet playing, dancing, laughter, clink of champagne glasses — a wonderful night out to match any jazz venue.

Hosting the Captain’s Table — I will let you in to a secret. I think the Senior Officers like me to host a table as it gives them a night off — and why not. I had a lovely table, delightful guests from around the world. Not many of us are lucky enough to sit in that seat, with three decks above us, surrounded by guests in black tie having a wonderful dinner. Let’s not forget just how awesome the Britannia Restaurant is on Queen Mary 2. It does not recreate how it used to be on ocean liners of the past — it is how it used to be only much, much better — it is the real thing and no other ship comes close (although her little sisters Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth are pretty cool too).

Lunch in the crew mess — I will always eat in the crew mess once when I visit the ships. Gives me a chance to be seen out and about, ask how things are and of course make sure that our crew is happy with their food. I think they are — there have been some real efforts by Chef and his team recently to add variety. Sometimes I will have the ‘sticky rice and salty beef, or ‘fried chicken’ – but this time I went down the European line and had Cottage Pie – it was fine.

Canyon Ranch — well it was a Sunday so I was allowed some time off. Six times round the deck (two miles) — and then time in the amazing Canyon Ranch indoor pools, Jacuzzis and steam rooms. I find that so relaxing and it is always good to experience just how good the Canyon Ranch Spa is. When you go into the shower, one of the team will rinse out and dry your trunks and when you approach your locker, miraculously a towel is laid out on the floor for you to stand on as you get dried and changed — nice touch.

Boy, are the deck areas in great shape — you see Queen Mary 2 is a proper Ocean Liner. When you walk around all the deck areas — you walk on real teak and you pass brightly painted white steel. Despite now being 7 years old — I would argue the external areas of Queen Mary are in better shape than any ship at sea — and that is a credit to every member of the deck team. I asked Deputy Captain to briefly gather every member of the Deck Team the next morning — along with their supervising officers. I thanked them and shook each of their hands. In doing so I told them they should be proud keeping the most famous ship in the world in such great shape.

Regular coffee fixes — Coffee has moved on so much these days and on the ship Sir Samuels now offers proper coffee — either in a lovely china cup or in my case in a take away cup. No matter which way you take it — it is always served with a smile.

Queens Room — Picture the scene — 1,000 guests in formal dress, champagne all round, canapés and classical music. Commodore Warner introduces his Senior Officers and tells his joke (I have suggested he develops a 2^nd joke but the one he has seems to work every time). I was able to say a few words of welcome. As I always do — I asked our guests to applaud our White Star Ship’s Company. I mentioned that we were — for our Ship’s Company — going the wrong way around the world with the clocks going back in time. So far we have lost 18 hours and 18 hours of sleep for our hard working staff. Good for our guests — they responded with warm applause for the staff — and the good news is that now we have reached New Zealand (which by the way is bloody miles from everywhere) — the clocks will start to go back the other way and they will get some extra rest.

It’s Sunday — so let’s go to Church — Commodore led a very nice service and the Theatre was quite full. Our thoughts were with those in New Zealand as we sailed along their shores, I read the lesson and it was a moving occasion — and we always feel better for a little prayer. Going to church on Sunday is something many people do and it’s rather nice to do so on Queen Mary 2 on a Sunday — and if you like you then go on to have a rather nice Sunday lunch — a perfect day.

Standing room only — we have recently started to give computer lessons on how to use Apple Macs, iPads and iPhones. I popped down to see it — and was surprised to see every computer station full and many standing at the back of class. We are going to extend the area used for this. When you think of it — technology can be daunting. So to have the time and ability at sea to go to lessons is a great way of learning. The ship also now has Wi-Fi service and full internet access so once you have mastered it you can try it for real. I wonder just how many emails have been sent that start with the words ‘I am sending this email from Queen Mary 2 in the Pacific Ocean….’ We are all so used to fast internet access at home and at work we do have to remind guests that as we are in the middle of an ocean and at the mercy of satellites — they need a little more patience than usual.

I had forgotten about Tom Hanks — Well who else would you get to narrate the Planetarium shows. They are a fairly short 20 minutes — but to sit in a full size planetarium whist at sea listening to Tom Hanks tell you about outer space is something that has to be done.

We turned out the lights and — I spotted in the daily program that our Astronomer Lecturer was going to describe the night sky up on deck 13 at 2200 hours. So there were about 200 of us, it was a clear night; we were sailing about 25 miles off the New Zealand coast. The astronomer had a neat little green laser gun. As we waited for the deck lights to go off — we were not sure what we might see. When the lights went off — there was an audible gasp. We often talk of how Cunard delivers unique experiences — well I had happened across one of those moments. The night sky was incredible — I have never seen so many stars. The Milky Way stood out so clearly, we were asked to look at one star and it was clearly a bright red color — I have never seen the color of a star before. Then — to some surprise — the astronomer let out a shriek. He had seen a far away galaxy with the naked eye for the first time. We could all see it as a distant cloud — he told us the name which seemed to use every letter in the alphabet at least twice — and his evening was made. I stood back from the gathering — and made a note to remind as many people as I can as to the many special experiences on this fine ship.

Knackered and Proud — On arrival in Auckland, and after taking our 700 plus Full World Voyagers out for a special dinner, my time on Queen Mary 2 was over and ahead of me was a 27 hour journey back to Southampton. I had a really clear idea of what work we need to undertake in our November refit , I had really enjoyed spending time with so many of the ship’s company and of course meeting so many of our guests. But overall I had two overwhelming feelings. The first was one of being ‘knackered’ (British technical term for being rather tired). I had been away for Two weeks, Two Ship Visits, Two Queens in Sydney, Two World Voyage Dinners and One Earthquake. The other feeling was one of pride — pride in everything that the ship’s company on Queen Elizabeth and Queen Mary 2 were doing to look after our guests. And if you would like to experience some of that pride, and some of those special moments — then please do come and sail with us — they happen every day, 365 days a year………….

 

Best Regards,

Peter Shanks
President and Managing Director
Cunard Line

Those planetarium shows sound so brilliant and having Tom Hanks voice those shows is quite an achievement. I never fail to appreciate how marvellous it is to have the president of the world’s most famous ocean liner company write just for our blog thingy and each time he does ………..we all get to feel what it’s like to experience a Cunard voyage. Thanks Peter.

Yesterday I posted a question on Facebook that asked a simple question. Why do you choose to sail with Carnival? Well 381 people replied instantly and here is what they said:

http://www.facebook.com/JohnHeald#!/JohnHeald/posts/185209044854998

Fantastic answers and it is obvious that for many it is the value…….pure and simple…… what you pay and what you get is excellent. The comfort level is also important as well because when you pay for the cruise you know exactly what you are going to get. Included in the price are amazing food with more variety than ever before, the highest level of friendly and fun service, shows, activities and music from the wee small hours to the ummmmm…..wee small hours ….. towel animals on your bed, no cleaning, no cooking, relaxation, swimming, fun, and more fun.

I guess that’s why chain restaurants are so popular for tourists in foreign lands…….whether you walk into one in Moscow or Manila you know that your Big Mac will taste exactly the same…… unless of course you are in Korea when that funny taste may be because you are eating a McSpaniel.

As I said, that’s what I love about Carnival. You know what the extras are ….. drinks ……… shore excursions…..spa etc. But that’s not the same with other things in life. It’s because companies have made it so impossible to find out the actual cost of their sodding products. Honestly, unless you have a beard and like math……..you are buggered.

Let me explain. Heidi called me and told me that our internet provider which is British Telecom has told us our contract is up for renewal and sent a whole menu of new…….. ummmm …… broadband thingies.

In ancient times, you didn’t have to worry about broadband because it didn’t exist. But then it did exist, so you had to phone one of about two internet service providers who offered simple contracts at a fixed monthly rate. When they answered they were in the UK not Bombay and all you had to say was “Hello, I’d like the internet to be put into my computer,” and they’d say “Fine, that will cost $30 a month.” And they’d put the internet in your computer and you could start booking a cruise, book a cruise, see videos of Charlie Sheen waving a machete around and Latvian women lying naked on the deck of a billionaire’s yacht.

Now, it’s sodding impossible to work out how much anything costs. British Telecom is now offering Heidi and I broadband for £18 a month. That’s $30 in Uncle Sam money. “Woo hoo” as my friend Mr. Bentley would say………..oh, but hold on…….. because that’s only for the first six months. It then goes up to £28 pounds a month which is $42 and I should point out that it mentions this in a significantly smaller and less colourful font. Oh and right at the bottom in words that are smaller than my thingy…………and that is really small…………it tells you that you’re locked in to an 18 month contract. That means the average cost is £27. So why not just say that…………you utter bastards.

This trend has spread to cell phone contracts and has mutated. You now require a crystal ball, several weeks of spare time and the mind of Professor Stephen Hawking to work out which deal is right for you.

I saw a commercial recently where one provider has resorted to animals in their TV commercials to show you the way. If you want unlimited texts, you’re a dolphin (even though dolphins don’t have thumbs). Beavers, as we know, enjoy unlimited calls to landlines and if you go for the premium package of unlimited everything, you get to be a grizzly bear……..what a load of bollocks.

But how am I supposed to know whether I’ll need 500 texts a month? Or 350 anytime minutes? And then, there’s another worrying thingy, you get more minutes/texts/haemorrhoids if you sign up for a longer contract. Twenty dolphins get 75 texts on a 12-month contract but 300 on 24 months. Is that good? Is that even English? And if it is, will I need 300 texts a month in two years’ time? Will we still be texting in two years? Will cell phones and raspberrys exist or will we all them implanted in our arses and have rolls of toilet paper shoved up there in case someone sends us a fax?

I’m obviously taking this to the extreme but it’s only a matter of time before you won’t be able to read this blog thingy on a daily basis. Eric the Beard will give it to you free for three weeks, then it will be $10 a hit for a month, after which he will send you a John Heald bobble head if you send us photo of you naked…….. but only if you don’t have a beard ………and it’s a Thursday. Of course, I am kidding. I would never let this happen…….but you get my point.

We are not like this at Carnival……….that is………….ummmmm…….unless you buy the early saver thingy which I can’t seem to grasp case and feel as confused as baby in a topless bar. Honestly, every time I get asked a question about this I get a new wrinkle as I worry about how to answer it. It’s obviously a massively popular program but my understanding of it is equal to bugger all. I have so many wrinkles now that these days………… my face looks like an elephant’s scrotum.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

P.S. Here are the Fun Times for today, for both your Carnival Dream and your Carnival Splendor! —Everett

There, I said it and I feel free at last of the burden which has been crushing me as though my head was trapped between Rosanne Barr’s thighs.

For those of you new to our blog thingy you may not know that my hatred for anything with an Eye in it is equaled only by my hatred of anything French, bleeding hemorrhoids, nose hair, flying and high visibility jackets. I hate the way Eyephone users see that you have one and flock to you to talk about apps and if you have the VPN on or off and data roaming and WEP, WPA or WPA2. I wish there was an App you could buy that anytime an Eyephone disciple talks starts boring you to death with Eyespeak that you could press which would make their pants and underwear drop suddenly to the ground leaving their lady gardens and gentlemen’s sausage exposed to all.

Anyway, I have been teasing Eyephone owners for some time and last month to try and prove that I was talking total bollocks Eric the Beard, Everett the Beard and one of the 344 Stephanies presented me with an Eyephone while I was in the Miami office. Carnival supports Eyephones as well as Raspberries so I was given a new Eyephone which I was tasked to use for e-mails and Facebook updates. The beards thinking that after using it for a month I too would be converted and become a disciple of the Eye.

But the beards will I am afraid be disappointed and when I meet with them later this morning I will return my Eyephone and reclaim my Raspberry with a huge sigh of relief. I’m tired of the crappy camera which I have to say is not as good as the one my Motorola phone had 35 years ago. Then there is the battery. As you can imagine I am always e-mailing and updating Facebook and need a long lasting battery for this. The problem though is that the Eyephone has the life expectancy of a veal calf in Italy or a frog with four nice legs in France. I have had to keep it plugged in most of the time, which defeats the object of a “mobile” sodding phone. Also the alarm doesn’t go off when it’s meant to. My calls drop more than Paris Hilton’s knickers and last week the bastard Eyephone nearly got me fired during the Carnival Splendor press and travel agent function.

Honestly, it was awful. It was an e-mail exchange between me and Carnival President and CEO Gerry Cahill in which I asked where he was on the ship so we could meet up and discuss what was going to happen. It went like this:

JOHN: GERRY, WHERE ARE YOU SIR? I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FEW MINUTES SO WE CAN CHAT ABOUT THE PRESS THINGY.

GERRY: I’M IN MY CABIN – 7300

JOHN: CAN I COME OVER?

GERRY: SURE

JOHN: OK, I WILL COME OVER FOR A SEC

But the bastard Eyephone auto-corrected to “OK, I WILL COME OVER FOR A SEX.” I went to Gerry’s cabin. His door was locked. He wouldn’t let me in. I want my Raspberry back.

Time for today’s Q and A……….off we go.

Janice Longthorn Asked:
John – Please reply.

My husband Tom and our three children just returned from a wonderful time on the Imagination and the table you arranged for us was just perfect and the champagne and the trophy you sent each of the children was a nice touch although it would have been nice to have gotten one of the famous fruit baskets I have read about on your blog. Why did we not get one of those, just curious as well feel a bit slighted. The waiters singing and dancing was an intrusion to our dinner as well. Most passengers I spoke to said they HATED this.

Janice Longthorn

John Says:
Hello Janice Longthorn,

I am so glad that you had fun on the Carnival Imagination and that the table you asked for was made available to you by the maitre d. Maybe next time I will see if I can send you one of the famous fruit baskets. I have rarely heard anything but positive comments about the parades and dancing in the dining room Janice so I was surprised to read your comments.

Best wishes to all
John

Robert (Bob) Dennard Asked:
Dear John,

Sorry if that sounds like an impending break-up between lovers. Let me assure you that it is not… my love affair with Carnival continues. But I do have a “bone to pick”… actually a couple of them but I’ll only address this one for now.

I’m writing this from an Internet Cafe ashore in Tortola… and you’ll see why in a second.

I am currently on an 8 day cruise on the Carnival Freedom. I am having a very, very great time. I have been posting a running commentary on the cruise on “Cruise Critic”. You can see my comments at:

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1330342

Well, I finally got fed up with the ship’s internet and I wrote a “rant.” Here’s what I posted:

A Rant

It’s time for a bit of a rant. I know Carnival reads these boards and it’s time to speak up and let you know that in one area the “King wears no clothes.”

I’m a pretty reasonable person. I don’t expect miracles from the cruise lines. But there is no excuse for the miserable excuse for an internet service they provide. I tried to post my report on Day 3 this morning. The first attempt it took me 5 minutes for nothing to happen and then for the network to completely crash out… and I didn’t get to log out so the clock was still ticking.

I recycled my wireless connection off then back on and after another couple of minutes got connected again. After a couple more drop offs I got my stuff posted. The bottom line is that it took 17 minutes for me to log in, copy and paste the text into Cruise Critic and then to log off.

The rate plan I’m on is $89 for 240 minutes… that’s 37 cents per minute. That in and of itself is outrageous. Add to that the exceptionally slow and grossly unreliable function; this internet service is an unacceptable way for Carnival to rip off their customers. It cost $6.29 for less than one minute of actual access to put up my post this morning.

I understand that a moving ship at sea may having problems getting high speed internet… so I accept that it might be slower. But all of my problems I’ve described here have been while we’re stationary… docked in St. Thomas. It is now 2011. The technology has gone way beyond what is Carnival is providing and there is simply no excuse for it.

I’m going to post this on the John Heald blog too. I know the Carnival “beards” see and respond to that.

Sorry for the rant… Now if it doesn’t take too much time and aggravation to post this, it’s time to go ashore and get my smile back.

Bob
Memories of Naked Fanny

I’m sending this to you because I know you want to do whatever you can to improve Carnival. I also know the “beard” will read this. (I’m sorry I’m probably posting this in the wrong place, but I couldn’t figure out where else to post… (I know Eric “the Beard” will probably move it to an appropriate place.)

Before I go, I want to make it clear that I’m not asking for anything for myself… I’m not asking for a refund… I’m not akin for free lifetime cruises to anywhere in the world… I’m not asking for anything like that. What I am asking is for Carnival to fix this. I am an engineer and I have designed satellite communications systems, so I know it can be better than this.

If nothing else, I can recommend a reasonable “flat fee” for unlimited internet use while on the ship. (The key here is reasonable).

Thank you for listening. Now back to some serious cruisin’ stuff.

See you on “The Bloggers Cruise”

Bob
Memories of Naked Fanny

John Says:
Hello Robert (Bob) Dennard,

First of all let me apologise for the delay in me replying to this post. As you may know I am a long way behind in answering my blog questions but I am glad I saw yours today. You know, I saw a similar complaint from a guest who wrote to me here a few days ago. He had been on the Oosterdam with Holland America and also had comments about the internet service onboard.

Indeed, I have shared your pain when writing blogs last year whilst on the Queen Victoria and the Nieuw Amsterdam and the sending of photos and text took forever. The entire industry you see is reliant on one satellite which is called MTN and the bandwidth it provides for multiple numbers of guests to use at one time means that it is slow. I can tell you that it’s not a Carnival issue as there as the shipboard internet prices are pretty standard throughout the industry. The problem is of course that unless technology leaps forward very quickly, there is unlikely to be a change anytime soon.

Regardless I will make sure someone important with a beard sees your posting and I thank you for taking the time to write it.

I hope you had a fun cruise

Best wishes
John

Chantelle K Asked:
John, (PLEASE REPLY)

I just read on cruise critic that the Inspiration is a training ship. Why was I not told about this when I booked the cruise. I called to cancel but they won’t let me. How can carnival get away with this? Please help.

John Says:
Hello Chantelle,

Judging by the fact that I am 6 weeks behind now in answering these questions I am thinking that you may have already cruised on the Carnival Inspiration and if you did or your about to I promise you will have a brilliant time. What you have read on Cruise Critic is not correct. Like many other Carnival ships, the Carnival Inspiration hosts two “colleges,” one for entertainment staff and one for floor supervisors. A cruise ship is certainly a unique job and we take these opportunities to train our personnel in the shipboard environment (FYI – other “colleges” are on other Carnival ships, i.e. the pursers college on Fascination, the housekeeping college on another ship). As in the case with all of our colleges, there no trainees are ever placed directly into guest areas. The same brilliant service levels that you will find on all our Carnival ships can and will be found on the Carnival Inspiration and the other ships that have colleges. I hope you have or had……………fun.

Best wishes
John

SIMON + 3 Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY,

Well I did it. I booked 2 cabins on the Magic in Europe in August and if we don’t have a good time I will blame you. My family (Molly age 8 and Marcus age 11) wanted to go on Disney but me and my wife have told them that we will have more fun with Carnival. No pressure John but this is because of your blog which I have started reading during the Splendor fire. You are an amazing writer and you should seriously write a book. I was hooked and couldn’t wait for the next part. Since then I have not missed any of your blogs and so we have decided that our second ever cruise (first was on Princess) should be with you. So no pressure John. Thanks for the great blogs and we will see you in Barcelona.

John Says:
Hello Simon + 3,

No pressure………my arse. Seriously I am both thrilled and humbled by your kind words and I will do all I can to make sure that we exceed your expectations and that by the end of your cruise Molly and Marcus say “Micky who?”

They will love the water park, the rope swing course, the huge Camp Carnival play area while Mum and Dad enjoy a meal at The Cucina del Capitano and a drink at the RedFrog Pub. And of course there are the ports, the brilliant ports. So I will look forward to seeing you soon and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

Best wishes to all,
John

The Norlands Asked:
Reply

I need to organise all the mini bar items to be emptied from our cabin #6256 on the Valor March 5th. Also a table for 4 in the center of the lower level is my other request

John Says:
Hello The Norlands,

While I will be happy to ask the maitre d to assist with your table request I cannot do anything about the mini bar. This is a door here on the blog that I don’t want to open as once I do it for one I will have multiple requests which I won’t be able to manage. Please ask your stateroom steward and he or she will see if this is possible. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes
John

CruisinSue Asked:
Hi John and Heidi, Reply if you feel need

Thank you Heidi for the update. Was so nice of you to keep us posted.

John,
I hope you are feeling better soon. I just got over that kind of crud myself. Just take care of yourself and get well soon.

I am a bit late in acknowledging your kindness from late October. Mom and I were cruising on the Carnival Miracle along with my friends Don and Carolyn. A bit of a review, we thought Malcolm was hilarious. I had cruised with him as CD a couple of times and he is still as funny now as was then. Overall the cruise was really good. It was nice to be a part of the celebrations of CCL’s return to Aruba and Curacao. I spoke with some of the Island officials in the terminal and I could see the excitement on their faces. The welcome celebration and gifts from there were a nice touch. There were a couple of sea days than seemed a bit boring, but for someone like myself with 48 CCL cruises, I have done most of the activities. There were plenty of activities available, but it seemed I had done or seen them all. We still enjoyed all the shows and Malcolm’s silent comedy routing was hilarious as usual.

I want to thank you also for the nice gifts you sent and the photo. Mom was surprised and it made her feel really special to get a gift from the “man” himself. She was on the Freedom Grand Med cruise with us in 2007 and she and my step-dad thought you were terrific.

One more comment….I have read the comments about Jen as CD. I have never cruised with her, so as of now I have no opinion. I am booked on the Carnival Spirit on March 27 and noticed that she is the CD. I will let you know at the end of that one what I think of her…LOL I have only had one cruise that I thought the CD was not good. It was on the Fantasy several years ago and her name was Val. I don’t think she is CD with CCL any longer though. I hope you don’t mind, but I will have a dining seating request later. There is only 4 of us cruising but I don’t have final cabin numbers and such yet.

Please take care of yourself and enjoy your time home with the girls. I am going to miss the BC4 on the Glory, but I do hope to cruise with you again soon. Give hugs to the girls.

Gloria aka Sue

John Says:
Hello CrusinSue,

Thanks for that great review. I was very pleased to hear that you received a little something from me and that you had fun. I was very pleased to read that you enjoyed Malcolm as your CD and I will make sure he sees your words of praise. Carnival is so pleased to be going back to Aruba and Curacao and one day I hope to be back with you soon. Please let me know about Jen and your cruise in March and I am sure you will have a brilliant time. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes,
John

Violet Roussel Asked:
Dear John,

My husband and I are booked on our 3rd Carnival cruise on the Glory leaving Miami for the Western Caribbean on March 20, 2011

Recent past cruiser reviews have left me with serious concerns and doubts about the Glory. I have noted that you will be cruising on the Glory in February 2011. Please help put my concerns to rest. The reports of sagging lumpy beds and bad shows have me wanting to run to RCCL!! Thank you……..

John Says:
Hello Violet Roussel,

May I kindly ask where did you read these reports? Wherever you did I promise you that they are incorrect. I am sure there are many here who have cruised on the ship and can tell you the brilliant time they had. However, one thing is certain. Opinions are based on individual thoughts and should not be the basis of you worrying if or not you will have a great time. Just go on there with an open mind and I promise you will have a great time. Please let me know what you think when you get home.

Best wishes
John

Amy O Asked:
John reply please before my cruise starts!!! Urgent !!

I want to reserve a table for 2 for me and my boy friend. We are in the cabin 1427 on the Dream on 26 Feb.!!

Amy O

John Says:
Hello Amy O,

I was very pleased to get this from you before you sail. Yep, it pleased me a lot and I asked the Maitre D saying please, please, please can you organise a table for Amy O please. Have a wonderful cruise and please please please tell me all about it when you get home if you please.

Best wishes
John

Joe Kyle & the Polecat Asked:
Please Reply

Joe & Brenda Kyle and Pat & Bill Fairbanks just returned on the Carnival Conquest going to the Eastern Caribbean. As always, we just love the ship and crew on the Conquest.

We missed the new number one desert Crème Brulee that is served ONLY on the first night sailing. This is the night everyone goes after the “warm melting chocolate cake” but our Matrade, Hatem, came to our rescue and asked the chef to prepare each of us one on our last evening and it was great!

I was surprised when I went to the internet café and typed in http://www.carnival.com which has free access; BUT, when I tried to click on the link to your blog I was informed that since that it is a “personal blog” and I would have to log in and pay to read it. Shame on you Carnival! I decided to save my money for the casino and read the blogs when I returned home. Sorry to hear you have not been well while we were out having fun at sea.

What happened to the comment cards at the end of the cruise? We did not get the chance to brag about JJ our room steward, Hatem, Watson, Virgil and June in our dining room and Bojana who kept our drinks form the bar coming, along with Andrew and Tere the ship shoppers, and Audrey, Valantini and Santosh in the gift shop. There were several others but forgot to write down their names. Each of these folks went out of their way to make us feel like we were the only ones on the ship!

See you on the Magic Nov. 14th. Will there be any fanfare in Galveston on the 12th or 13th that we four (4) can join in? PLEASE REPLY

John Says:
Hello Joe Kyle and the Polecat:

If you could see me now you would see a huge smile on my face as the memories of our time on stage together return. I am so glad you had fun and that the Crème Brulee was a feature thanks to Hatem. I will make sure that he and the others you mentioned receive your words of praise. The comment cards or review cards are now sent on line and if you checked the box about receiving e mail on your booking form you may have gotten one. If not please let me know. I will see you soon and be prepared for a repeat performance.

Best wishes to all
John

That’s all for today.

So here I am in a hotel room that looks exactly like the other dozen or so hotel rooms I have stayed in these past few months. Honestly, I love my Brand Ambassador role but I really, really need to be a cruise director again……….. and soon…………..so roll on your Carnival Magic.

I am in Miami now until Thursday when I shall fly to Grand Cayman to join the Carnival Glory for the bloggers cruise number 4. Later today I shall drive down I-95 and if I make it off there alive I will head to NW 87th Avenue and Carnival’s HQ to finalise everything with Eric and Everett the Beards and the 344 Stephanies.

The problem is that after being on the Carnival Splendor where I was surrounded by shipmates and 1,200 travel agents, some of whom were sponsored by Budweiser….….here in Miami …… I am pretty much alone. Take last night for example. I left the Carnival office and drove the 15 miles back to my hotel. Three hours later I arrived having realised again that Miami drivers have yet to discover the things on their cars called indicators.

So after eating a room service burger that with fries and tax cost the same as dinner at our steakhouse I decided to watch a pay per view movie. No……I did not……how dare you suggest I watched Hot Latvian Rumpy Pumpy 4……..because I didn’t………I’ve see it.

No, instead I thought I would watch something called Knight and Day……a good action movie with fighting, explosions and death and destruction……and maybe a glimpse of Cameron Diaz’s knockers. But it was a load of utter bollocks and proof positive that we are living in a woman’s world and there is no greater example of this than Hollywood’s continuing down wood spiral as they make films about kissing, love and other vomit inducing subjects.

In days gone by, we had Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, John Wayne……real men who didn’t cry ……they shot you in the head before climbing into their Mustang or climbing on their Mustang and drove, or rode off, into the sunset to have rumpy pumpy with anyone they wanted.

Who’s their modern-day equivalent? There’s nobody. Segal has smoked his own underpants and is now making a reality show about being a sherriff………which if you haven’t seen you must ……….it is surely the funniest show on TV. Schwarzenegger is a retired Govenator. Gibson (the idiot) is too busy pissing off everyone and Stallone who is now aged 103 is about a believable an action figure as Judge sodding Judy. And in this Knight and Day movie I watched, I’m expected to believe that a dwarf like Tom Cruise could knock someone out with a single blow from his hair product.

Well, one of the things I have had to do is to talk to the senior beards in entertainment about a joke a comedian told while I was on the Carnival Freedom two weeks or so ago. The person who wrote a letter to someone very senior was complaining about a joke which was said at the Punchliner comedy club during the Uncensored/Adults Only show at midnight. Now I am sharing this with you because I was asked my opinion as to whether I thought this to be offensive or not and honestly…………I don’t know.

You see, comedy is a very difficult subject to write about and performing it is truly very difficult. I mean, you know you are going to offend someone…..fat, thin, black, white, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim…….it’s virtually impossible not to offend especially when you have the security blanket that a Uncensored show rating brings.

Now I am going to share the joke with you and just in case there are some people who think that I shouldn’t ……well my apologies in advance but this is a subject so worthy of discussion. Anyway, here is the joke as said by one of the Punchliner comedians during the Uncensored comedy show on the Carnival Freedom.

A Muslim man was arrested today by the NYPD for walking with a sheep through Times Square. When questioned he said it was Islam and he could do what he wanted.

OK, I softened the language up because in the joke the man was not walking with the sheep. But regardless it was a play on words……Hislamb…………..Islam.

So one man out of the 400 present complained. And I can sort of understand why. But should we tell this comedian he can never tell this joke ever again and if so if I make a fat joke about myself and someone gets upset should I not tell that joke anymore. And when eventually……….and it will happen……the French Tourist Board find my blogs and threaten me with guillotine unless I stop……….should I comply? What are your thoughts on this?

By the way, if you want true comedy you should come to my hotel room which has a toilet so low down I might as well be crapping on the floor. And I need a block and tackle to heave my large white arse up again. My thanks to the designers who have not only built a toilet inches off the ground but have placed a full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door so you can watch yourself doing so.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

One wonderful son wrote to me on Facebook about how his Father was an avid cruiser who loved the sea and loved Carnival and asked if I would be able to arrange this when he sails at the end of February. And of course I was honoured to help. This will though involve our environmental officer having to fill out an entire rain forest of paper work. Yep ………things have certainly changed when it comes to funerals.

I mean……..before they’d lower you gingerly into the ground or let you spend the rest of time in a vase on top of the underwear drawer. To have your ashes scattered at sea used to be easy, no permission was needed from the tofu eating beardists. These days you need tons of paperwork, bio degradable urns and everyone has to wear a high visibility jacket and safety goggles in case some of your loved one blows back and gets in your eyes………how ridiculous is that?

In today’s world, in the same way that you can get married underwater or during a parachute jump, you can choose how you wish to be disposed of when you have done dying. Take the story of a former Navy Seal who was attached to the nose of a torpedo, which was then detonated on the sea bed off Norfolk. Meanwhile, officials at the Homestead NASCAR thingy circuit announced that NASCAR fans can now be laid to rest at the track. Quite how this will work I don’t know. It’ll certainly be a bugger for Jimmy Petty next year if he skids in the final lap on the remains of Billy Bob Lemurcat from Valdosta, Georgia. Perhaps they mean that a dead person can be used as part of the tire wall. Or maybe to soak up oil spills.

Some may argue that if you are used as a crash barrier or detonated on the sea bed, some of death’s dignity is lost. I’m not sure this is so, because. Far better, surely, to use your liquefying body as a soft landing for NASCAR drivers. And being buried at sea means at least you get to see the Caribbean once in a while.

I’ve always said that when I die I want to be buried, because when I get to heaven, it’ll be hard to enjoy its bountiful magnificence if I’ve been cremated. I am not going to get an angel that looks like Megan Fox to have rumpy pumpy with me…..….if I look like the contents of a stateroom Stewards vacuum bag.

However, now that it’s possible to make all sorts of odd requests, I’m reconsidering this. This needs serious thought because having watched loved ones scatter the remains of their loved ones here on the ships of Carnival …………space is tempting……..and Uncle Google told me that there is a company that will blast your ashes into orbit for just $500.

A word of warning, though. While the company managed to get bits of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek, into orbit, it made a bit of a hash of things when it came to getting the Enterprise’s chief engineer up there.

The first time it tried, the rocket crashed and Scotty ended up not in the Romulan Galaxy but just outside Santa Fe, New Mexico. Happily he was found, he was launched again. But that went wrong too when the rocket exploded, sending the Canadian actor into the sea, where, one day, he will probably crash head-on into the Navy Seal I mentioned earlier. Almost certainly, this is not what either man would have wanted…

I have though been thinking of what I want when I go. And I have decided that I want my ashes to be mixed with paint and used to create a piece of art…….I want to spend the rest of time as a tattoo on Megan Fox’s bottom.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..off we go.

Joanne G Asked:
Please Reply

John, I have a small request to ask you. I have managed to put together a Cruise Critic roll call for the Splendor on March 20 with 40 expecting to join together. Please can you arrange a room for us to have a meet and greet in. We want it to be a non smoking place and for the first day at sea at 2:00pm. Thanks so much

Joanne

John Says:
Hello Joanne G

Yes of course. I have blocked you into the Cool Lounge at 2 pm and Felipe will make sure it is in the Fun Times as well. I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes
John

Patricia “Carole” Holley Asked:
John
(please resend if possible to my one question in the following re: dining room Maitre D)

Review: Carnival Dream-a dream of a vacation, sail date 12/4/10, booking number ______

The food was excellent! The service was beyond outstanding and I’ll be talking about several exceptional people in a minute. This was our second cruise on the Dream since we were with you on it for the Bloggers Cruise last December (2009). I was the lady who gave you some hundred dollar bills-unfortunately; they wouldn’t spend anywhere since they were book mark magnets. Too bad I couldn’t use them in the casino-LOL. One of the highlights of our cruise was that we won our Dream ship on a stick for our door decoration-Yay! It goes well with our mascot “Nuts” (a beany baby squirrel who is also a platinum cruiser with his own little platinum sign). I think our room stewardess was as excited about this as we were. The activities were great on board but we enjoyed just chilling a lot of the time. I love the hot tubs that hang over the edge of the ship. The Carnival Dream is probably our favorite of all. It was decorated so beautifully for the holidays and I took pictures of it as much as possible. The shows were great but we LOVED the Comedy Club! What a great addition to the Carnival ships.

I’d like to shine the spotlight on several crew members who made our cruise totally awesome. We’ve cruised more than 30 times with Carnival and we have never been more impressed with several people. That’s saying a lot. In all that time, we’ve had some nice Maitre D’s but none have really stood out until now. His name is Budisa Drago (Scarlet Dining Room, table 537). I wish there was a status higher than “exceeds our expectations” because he’d certainly get marks for that. Is there a “Pure Excellence” category? He always greeted us by name with a genuine smile on his face. He continuously was talking with the guests in the dining room and came to our table every night to check on us, ask about our day, and just make sure our dinner was up to par. With many cruises we’ve taken, we really didn’t have any interaction with the Maitre D’ until the last night. No so with Mr. Drago! Some examples of his dedication to service are as follows:

1) One evening he came to our table (making his rounds to check on the dining room guests), he noticed my coffee cup was empty and started to get coffee for me-HE WAS GOING TO POUR IT HIMSELF! I was totally shocked since I’d just finished it. I told him I was fine and could wait until our servers had a chance to get it. He promptly signaled one of them over to take care of this matter. That says something about how seriously he takes his job. I realize how busy the dining rooms can be and try never to be demanding.

2) We mentioned we were going to make reservations at the supper club (sorry, we still think of it that way). He advised us that the best night would be the next one and proceeded to call them right then from our table and make our reservations for us, saving us the trouble. We wanted to go when it wasn’t too crowded and it meant a lot to us for him to help us with this.

3) On the last night of the cruise he brought the chef to our table and introductions were made. Never has this been done for us. It was an honour (spelled just for you) to meet the chef and tell him how much we were enjoying the meals on board. We’re just a down to earth couple of retirees and to have this happen to us is something we’ll never forget.

4) Mr. Drago brought over a plate of the most delicious petite fours I’ve ever seen or eaten on the last evening. I wish I had my camera that night because I’ve tried to describe it to our friends and can’t really tell them how beautiful the plate of goodies was.

Many of our friends have been introduced to cruising Carnival by us and I know they would be as impressed as we were by Mr. Drago. This man was the best we’ve ever had and will be remembered by us for all our days. He is the Face and Heart of Carnival. Carnival is very lucky to have such an employee who makes memories for passengers like us. I believe he will be with us on the Elation when we go in April (with a group we have) and I’m know I’m going to do everything I can so we can be in his dining room. Is that possible with a group of people? If I have to, I’ll get every one of them who will be dining (late dining) with us to go to the Guest Services desk, dining room or wherever we have to go to try to be in his dining room. We have some people who will be cruising for the first time, along with others who’ve cruised before, and it would be wonderful to introduce them to Carnival, great Carnival dining and the best Maitre D’ with Carnival. I’d like for them to have some wonderful memories like we have now. He is a true professional and a wonderful endorsement for the Carnival Corp. Any help/advise with this matter would be greatly appreciated. Our booking number is ______ on the Carnival Elation, sail date 4/9/2011.

There were several other people who were outstanding in the dining room too. Our wait staff, Ana Udriste and Inyoman Rudianto (“Rudi”) were top notch. It’s amazing how they could attend to so many people and still make you feel special. After the first night, they remembered I liked coffee with my meal and my husband liked ice tea. They were attentive and carried out their tasks with a smile at all times. One evening my husband became ill at dinner and they were nice enough to cover our meals and I was able to take it back to our room. Although my husband wasn’t up to eating that night, I was still able to enjoy a wonderful prime rib dinner. Thank goodness he recovered by the next morning and we were back in the dining room that night to enjoy another delicious meal.

One other young man in the dining room (bar service) named Hrvoje Valenta was one of the most pleasant people we met. He always stopped by our table to ask if we needed anything from the bar but it didn’t stop there. He always asked us how our day was, were we having a good time and just chatted with us in a very nice way. I felt guilty since we’re not big drinkers and never ordered anything. It was so sweet of him to take the time to speak to us every evening.
Our room steward was Supinya “Sue” (Cabin 1237) was really great. She kept our cabin tidy and was so nice when I asked for a few things I had used from the amenities basket. She was very good about bringing us ice and never obtrusive. We always take naps in the afternoon and somehow she knew it. It was very nice to leave and come back to a spotless cabin.

Again, thank you Carnival for a wonderful anniversary cruise. We’ve told everyone who’d listen that it was the best ever-even though we had bad weather more than half the time. Our friends are surprised by how much we’ve talked about our “perfect” cruise since they know we have been on many. This is why we cruise Carnival exclusively. I do hope that the people I’ve mentioned will get the recognition they deserve-especially Budisa Drago. I hope this can be forwarded to the correct department(s) so they can be acknowledged for their wonderful commitment to their jobs?

Thank you for your time. When I worked, I dealt with many customers too and it seems you always hear the “bad” but never so much of the “good”. I wanted to take the time to tell you about the good. I’m sorry you hear so much “bad” when there is so many great things about Carnival. I love your blog and read it every day. Keep up the wonderful work. John, I don’t want to ask for anything from you except maybe to point me in the right direction to try to get into Mr. Drago’s dining room for our group. I wish you a very prosperous New Yain ear and lots of wonderful times in this coming year (and less jerks to deal with).

Sincerely,
Patricia “Carole” Holley, past guest # __________

John Says:
Hello Patricia “Carole” Holley

Brilliant! What a brilliant review that was and a joy to read. Thank you for taking your valuable time to write this and write it so very well. I assure you that all your comments and praise will be sent to the people mentioned and their supervisors. Your review highlights what is best about Carnival and that of course is the service and fun our crew provide. Please make sure that when you are ready to cruise again that you let me know so I can arrange for you to be in Drago’s dining room

Once again a huge thank you and I remain here at your service.

Best wishes
John

Dave Vositch Asked:
Hello John,

Please respond if you have a chance.

My wife and I will be sailing on the Carnival Freedom from Feb 20th in stateroom 7348. I have two favors to ask of you. First could you recommend a good place to purchase cigars on this cruise? My wife and I sailed on the Carnival Freedom in 2007 with you and we both thought you to be the most entertaining CD we had ever had. When Paula and I got the chance to meet you and spend a bit of time talking you just absolutely made her cruise. Now for the second favor. Paula and I don’t get to spend much time together with me working as an airline pilot flying all over the world for American Airlines so we have to celebrate all our vacations, birthdays, anniversaries etc. when we can. On this cruise we will be catching up with her birthday and our anniversary. Since she had so much fun meeting you, and you made such an impression, would there be any way that you could have an email delivered to our stateroom just saying Happy Birthday to her. I know she would get a real kick out of it.

Thanks for all the hard work you put into this blog and I want you to know that a lot of us over here read it every day and you sure do know how to keep us rolling on the floor.

John Says:
Hello Dave

I am so glad this reached me in time and I hope you get to chance to read this before you cruise this weekend. The best place to get cigars will be St. Thomas which although part of the United States and there not permitted to sell Cuban cigars they do have some wonderful cigar stores downtown including the Davidoff shop which has an amazing selection of Fuente’s and of course Davidoff.

I must admit I have never bought Cuban cigars from any of the ports that you are going to and please be aware of the many fakes especially in the more common brands such as Cohiba and Monte Cristo can found in such destinations as Antigua, stay away from them, the same can be said about most cigar stores in Nassau, as well. There are excellent cigar stores in San Juan but St. Thomas would be the best place and you can smoke them in the cigar bar onboard.

I hope you have a fantastic cruise and look out for that little something for your wife. Fly safe, captain and have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you both
John

Grace F Asked:
John please reply

Thank you so much for letting Chris the Cruise director know of my parents 60th anniversary while on the Conquest. He presented them with two pictures of the ship autographed by the Captain. They were truly surprised and thrilled and it made the trip more memorable. He also went one step further and gave them some chocolate strawberries from you and some champagne and they had the best time ever. Sadly though ex be her last exactly two weeks after the cruise my sweet Mother passed away suddenly and we laid her to rest this last Friday. I wanted you to know that she had such a wonderful time on the Conquest and the little things you did for her made what was to be her last vacation extra special. You are a wonderful man and the Carnival Company is full of the most special people I have ever met.

Thank you again
Grace

John Says:
Hello Grace F

I am so very sorry to read the news of the passing of your dear mum and you have the sympathies of myself and all of the blog readers. Sixty years is an amazing time to be together and I hope that your father, you and the rest of the family have some wonderful and loving memories of someone who sounds like a very special lady. You remain in my thoughts and please pass my best to dad and tell him I thinking of him. I am glad that mum had so much fun on her cruise. It is reasons like this that I continue to do my best to help as many people as I can

Best wishes
John

Lisa Asked:
John,

PLEASE READ, AND REPLY…

Just an FYI:

We (my family of 7) sailed on the Fascination 12/16/2010. We have NOT received an email comment “card” yet.

Thanks!
Lisa

John Says:
Hello Lisa

Yep, we have a system but it’s not foolproof yet obviously. I need to make sure you know that you must check the box that asks if you wish to receive e-mail information which includes the review card. But you probably did and yet haven’t gotten one so let me tell the right people and get one to you. I hope you had fun on your cruise.

Best wishes
John

KJ Portman Asked:
please reply

Can I ask that you send me a free gift. I don’t read your blog but was told that if I asked here I would get something. I am on the Dream on April 9^th in cabin number 1388. My policy is you don’t ask you don’t get.

Thank you
KJ

John Says:
Hello KJ Portman

And it’s a great policy because you will get………what a brilliant post.  Have a fun cruise

Best wishes
John

Leonard Ince Asked:
John please reply

I have to agree with what another reader said about the Conquest. The Texans ruined the cruise for me and my DW. They were loud and uncouth and had no manners. We are not snobs but will never cruise out of Galveston or a ship with lots of Texans on it again. This was our seventh Carnival cruise.

John Says:
Hello Leonard Ince

I have to tell you as I did the other blogger that although the ship is sailing out of Galveston it does not mean that it is only Texans she has as guests. In fact I would guess that less than 50% are from Texas. I can only apologise in the sense that you were not happy and thank you for your seven cruises with us and hope number eight is the best yet. I must also say that my time on the Carnival Conquest was absolutely brilliant and the guests were some of the most fun I have ever seen.

Best wishes
John

Gwen B Asked:
I see you have been talking about the entertainment staff on your blog and wanted you to see my opinion. Wow, just wow. After returning from my cruise on Inspiration and reading some others reviews on Cruise Critic, I understand this ship is a ‘training ship’ for Carnival. I could not believe how pitiful the level of the entertainment staff was. It really seemed to me as if it was their first ever cruise. The Cruise Director (Danny Giriducci) was non-existent. I saw him one time at the welcome aboard show and never once saw him for the remainder of the cruise. His ACD was friendly, but highly unpolished and unorganized. There seemed to be 3 others on the entertainment staff who moved about the ship hosting trivia, shows, contests, etc and they were all pitiful. Ben may have been the most boring human being I have ever met. I cannot for the life of me figure out how or why he is working as an entertainment host of a cruise ship. Sam is funny (mainly because of his British accent and physical comedy) but is unorganized and generally lost when it comes to getting his job done. Last but not least is Lee…….boring, condescending and overall douchey. He is miserable at his job. My level of disappointment was heightened by the bad weather on both ‘at sea’ days

John Says:
Hello Gwen B

I was so disappointed to read this review and I will be using it to show the people mentioned and I know that they will take this to heart and work on improving their skills. I do want to point out that although there is indeed an entertainment staff college onboard it is not a training ship as none of these staff host activities until they have graduated college. Thanks again and I hope that despite the disappointments you mentioned that you had a great cruise.

Best wishes
John

Mike and Cheryl Barcomb Asked:
A request please John,

First of all I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and love your blog and face book. Been watching you in NYC and it sounds very exciting!! We have a request if you don’t mind. Mike and I will be celebrating our first platinum cruise on the Carnival Miracle (one of the ships that tied for best! WOW we were on the Carnival Dream last year with you and will be on Carnival Miracle February 23 room 5155) We were wondering if you wouldn’t mind if we request that we be on the Bacchus upper level looking over to lower dining room? We have not been on the second level and think it would be wonderful if you could possibly see if that could happen, also Mike has a bad back and if we could be close to the front of the dining room, we have been in the back of the dining rooms and the thrusters in the back for some reason cause a lot of irritation to Mikes back. Thank you we did receive the chefs table reservation also cannot wait for that! Thank you so much John, wish we could be with you but we are one of the fortunate ones that have been with you for the bloggers cruise and two other cruises with you.

Thanks again John and Happy New year to You and the Girls.

John Says:
Hello Mike and Cheryl

I am so glad I caught this and will send it to maitre d today and I know he will do all he can to make sure he helps you. I hope your back gets better and that you have a fun and relaxing time.

Best wishes to you both

John

And that’s your lot for today. Many thanks for all the great comments.

Things here are really picking up and everyone is working hard to get the ship 100% ready for the 19th and the press and travel agent event. I am in charge of getting the ship ready for this and liaising with all the various departments. I have to be careful, though, as I am not the cruise director. Oh how I wish I was though but that job has gone to Felipe whose bio I posted last week here on our blog thingy. Anyway, while I have been uber busy getting everything ready as well as helping Felipe and showing him the ropes and blogging and Facebooking……….I wonder what he has been up to. Well, let’s find out.

Please tell us how you feel about being the new CD of the Carnival Splendor. It is extremely exciting to be part of this unbelievable project. The ship is beautiful and you can tell in advance that this is going to be an amazing run. It is a great honor to be able to call the Carnival Splendor “home” now for a while and I can’t wait to have our guests walking around and having a wonderful time here with us. I have to say as well that it is one of the biggest and most exciting challenges of my career. Being the cruise director of a vessel such as the Carnival Splendor is already a big responsibility. Taking over from John Heald also gives any CD a huge dose of adrenaline. Can’t wait for our first sail away…

What are you doing to get the ship ready to cruise again on the 20^th? We have been working hard on the activities schedule and Fun Times for our first cruise. Along with our home office, we have been working as well on the line up for the shows in the Spectacular Lounge (the name of the lounge is not just a coincidence by the way), Punchliner Comedy Club & of course, music venues. Obviously the entire team is also brainstorming and each and every one of them has something new to add. The host team is extremely funny and our guests will certainly love them. Now that most of our staff and crew has arrived we have been going over little details as we approach the 20^th of February.

Tell us about the dancers and cast. Are they rehearsing and how many of the cast who were here during the fire have returned. The cast that is on the Carnival Splendor today is full of energy and is excited to start performing the shows. They have been in Miami doing rehearsals for 3 weeks and now on the ship staging the shows along with Joe and Bubbles, our dance supervisor and dance captain, respectively. From the cast that was on board before, 8 of them are back and 8 are new to the Splendor cast team. They have been working hard from morning till night, rehearsing and cleaning up the show. All they need now is costumes; lashes, red lippy and the most important part; an audience.

Tell us about your team, your entertainment staff and ACD. The entertainment team on board is a lot of fun. In fact, it is not easy to find them trough out the day. They are always “on the go.” Their office has been organized, new trivias and challenges are already in place and it is just a great atmosphere. Each and every single one of them brings something to the group, it is just a big cultural soup with different people willing to have fun. Marcelo is the ACD, he has great sense of humor and is very experienced which is great for me, the host team and most important, for the guests. He is all the way from… Chile! (YAAAY, someone will understand my English!!!) He also loves to stand at airports for long periods of time before joining the ship.

What are you mist excited about being the CD of the Carnival Splendor? The ship herself would be enough to get me excited. Sailing out of California is also a unique experience that not many crewmembers in the industry have the chance to enjoy. Luckily, Carnival gives me that opportunity. The staff, crew and officers are the most friendly and that includes the managers, senior officers, hotel director and of course, the captain. On top of all of that, how about waking up in Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas the same week? You just can’t top that…

Did you find anything in the cabin belonging to John? Yes, once I arrived there were 8… I mean, 6 cans of baby food (sorry Kye, I was hungry), 6 big posters of a lady called Megan Fox in the closet, a picture of a young skinny John Heald on the desk (not a joke!) and a scarf. I also just found a very stinky piece of underwear that I first thought was pillow case. Has been removed by our bio-hazard team…

Thanks mate. I know nobody is more excited to be here than you and I am sure I will be hearing all about what a great CD you are. ……………..bio hazard team my arse!

Things here are really getting into top gear and as I write we have just finished our final crew safety examination under the review of the United States Coast Guard inspectors who are here.

One thing that we have needed to do is to replace every light on every life jacket in the guest and crew cabins. You know don’t you that each life jacket has a whistle and a light on it to attract attention? Well they do, and when the fire happened you will remember that we didn’t have any lighting at all so guests and crew used their lifejacket lights to see where they were going and see where they were peeing. So, we have replaced them all so each life jacket has a new light on it.

The good news is that all the examinations have been passed and as always the crew excelled themselves. The bad news is that we cannot leave until 5pm tomorrow. We wanted to and were ready to leave at 7am but because of traffic and other operational reasons we have been told we can’t depart until 5 pm. We will then arrive into Long Beach and will dock directly after the Carnival Paradise has left the pier.

Tomorrow, at 4:30pm San Fran time thingy I will be giving live updates from the bridge on Facebook as the Carnival Splendor starts her journey home.

Just a quick note about the bloggers cruise. It is coming very soon and I have had little chance to write about it. I can tell you that we will have an extra Bloggers only slot tournament. It will cost $20 to enter. I will host it. You can’t use your Platinum thingy for this as that needs to be used for the regular tournament. It is limited to 100 people. Oh and the prize…..well here it is

Who’s in?

As we continue with our look at the ship’s Fun Times………here are those for the Carnival Inspiration.

Click here for today’s Fun Times.

So yesterday I see that a guest was arrested on the Monster of the Seas for selling large quantities of drugs from his cabin. This has caused quite a stir I guess as apparently he was making some of the passengers very happy. I bet it put the ship’s food costs up as well with everyone getting the munchies at 3 am.

That might be bollocks though because when it comes drugs my knowledge is the same as The Queen’s knowledge on cage fighting. I have never, smoked anything stronger than a Cuban cigar and as for sniffing something……well the only bad stuff that’s ever gone up my nose is the smell from my arse after the huge bowl of San Francisco’s finest clam chowder the other night.

I don’t know socialize with anyone who partakes and of course Carnival strict drug polices among crew. I must say at this point that I have never taken drugs because I would hate anything that would affect my ability to think properly……why would anyone want to take away the ability to think clearly?

I once saw a group of people at my high school who’d taken some magic mushrooms. They were lying in the middle of the soccer pitch laughing hysterically at a piece of dog turd. Magic mushrooms then do not make you clever, irresistible to women, or give you X-ray vision, all of which would be fine. They make you laugh at a dog turd…and that’s not fine at all.

This is another reason why I don’t drink anymore. When I had partaken of a few beers I would marshal my thoughts into a coherent sentence but they would come out as a steam of incoherent rubbish….I sounded like someone from Japan trying to speak like a character from the Dukes of Hazzard.

The worst drug though, by a mile, is the common or garden sleeping pill. I tried one once, on a flight from Miami to London, and was so removed from anything you might call reality that to this day I have no recollection of the entire flight except being woken up by the flight attendant who was a pretty young thing from Virgin Airlines……she was blonde and quite attractive ….. yet when she woke me up I opened my eyes, looked at her and said “piss off you Scottish wanker.”..….I then realised what I had said yet couldn’t string a sentence together to apologize . …….and this was from taking just three Tylenol PM tablets….I promised myself I would never take them again.

However, after my overnight trip to New York a few months ago to do the Times Square thing I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t looking forward to the long flight back and they took pity on me and offered me two pills that would help me sleep. I said “No, thank you” explaining the last time had nearly resulted in me being banned from flying Virgin Airlines ever again. However, they were very persuasive saying they were only antihistamines rather than proper sleeping pills, so I relented and as the plane took off popped them into my mouth.

The first indication that something was wrong came 10 minutes into the film I was watching. It didn’t make any sense. I was watching a movie called The Untouchables and Sylvester Stallone had suddenly become Megan Fox and was wearing a leather skirt and high heels. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t care. And then I fell into such a deep sleep that, if someone had sawn of my bollocks using a chain saw while singing I Like Big Butts……I would never have known.

The next thing I knew we were landing at Heathrow and this time as the flight attendant woke me instead of swearing at her and calling her Scottish I opened my mouth to speak and a torrent of green stuff drooled out of my mouth.

I vaguely remember collecting a bag from the carousel — I think it was mine — and driving home to the accompaniment of many blown horns and gestures to go away.

I’d love to report that the next day I felt refreshed but in fact everything was worse. I couldn’t shake off the crash helmet that had been nailed onto my head….and my mouth tasted like I had been chewing on Lebron James’s jockstrap.

I sometimes can’t sleep……I count sheep……I count the tigers that spring out of the field and eat them……I toss and I turn but if sleep doesn’t come I will never ever reach for the sleeping pills again. Having experienced the after effects I know that getting though the next day on one hours sleep is better than trying to get though it with the reaction times, humor, charm and conversation of a drunk Frenchman.

No blog tomorrow will be back on Thursday here and on Facebook tomorrow as the Carnival Splendor returns to Long Beach and returns to providing fun for all cruises down Mexico way.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

The pair in question probably thinks they were being subtle when by ignoring each other at yesterday’s department head dinner. But they might as well be running down Promenade Deck. They’ll think no one notices that in a darkened corner of the cigar bar after work they accidentally always manage to sit next to each other, legs touching under the table. But behind their backs other crew members are pretending to vomit, grinning at each other because ………… they know.

It’s an office romance and they are the same whether it’s on land or at sea. When a lady starts wearing short skirts with one of those push up bra thingies to work when before she wore long black pants and a blouse buttoned all the way to the top…….she’s definitely getting some post-work rumpy pumpy. A man will wear new cologne and if he is like the chap here on the ship he will walk down promenade like a peacock thinking to himself……………I am the man.

She’ll toss her hair a lot like that woman from Sex and The City does in that shampoo commercial……..you know……..the one that looks like a horse. The man will stare at her bottom all day long without interruption. They’ll jump like someone has poured hot water down their underwear if anyone goes near their computers because they’re full of soppy “I am hot 4u! xox” e-mails.

Yep, they think nobody knows………but we all do and now so do you. The interesting thing is I know one of the people I am writing about reads this blog.

So have a look at your place of work. See if you can spot the obvious signs. Jen from accounting may be a hard worker but if her dress style has changed and she is smiling a lot…..she is probably having rumpy pumpy with Tim from purchasing.

Time for today’s Q and A………….so off we go.

Steve B Asked:
John Reply Please

I was alarmed to read on Cruise Critic this morning that Carnival has a big problem with bed bugs on their ships. What is being done about this and are passengers getting refunds if their cabin has bed bugs in them. We are sailing on the Elation in 5 weeks and need to know.

John Says:
Hello Safwatt,

I see your comment was posted on December 29 and I saw a similar comment to this on my Facebook page last night so I guess this rumor is still out there. And that is exactly what it is a rumor. Here are some facts. I checked with our Vice President of Operations just a few minutes ago and he confirmed that no ships in our fleet have reported an outbreak, infestation or whatever else you may want to call it and that’s because of the brilliant work carried out by our housekeeping teams on the ships. They follow the very strict protocol that we have set out for them to make sure the little bastards don’t ruin your cruise. So please ignore this rumor and I hope you had a wonderful itch-free cruise.

Best wishes
John

Optiron Asked:
Can you tell me (PLEASE) when the Chef’s Table will be on the BC4 as I am confirmed.

But don’t want to miss formal (LOBSTER) Night or an opportunity to go to the Steakhouse- Why not do it all??iron

John Says:
Hello Optiron,

The Chef’s Table will be on the 29th. It won’t clash with any of the private blog activities so please enjoy this brilliant experience. Best wishes and see you soon

John

Barb Shugart Asked:
John (Please reply),

Let me preface this with saying that I love Carnival and am platinum status. I also admire the way you and the entire CCL handled the Splendor situation.

That being said, you mentioned the old style captains parties here and I would like to bring up something about the past-guest party I attended on the Legend last week. It was less than pleasant for us and I will explain why.

We arrived at a time that they were directing people into the nose-bleed section. We were handed a plate of 3 sub-standard (based on past experiences with Carnival) hors d’oeuvres for one hand and a glass of beverage for the other hand. We then arrive at a theater-style chair that has to be lowered but both hands are full. Not what I would call good planning for the guests’ comfort.

I then got to sit and watch the people below get offered additional and a better variety of hors d’oeuvres. Up top, the waiter came around once to offer us a second drink but that was it. Another came around part of the area to pick up dirty plates and glasses but never got to us, so we ended up having to

May I suggest that as a platinum, I would much rather be considered for a reserved section on the mail level than to have a Freddy frame that will end up in the next garage sale. Might you suggest this no-cost (and potentially cost-saving if it replaces the frame) consideration to the beards?

John Says:
Hello Barb Shugart,

First of all I want to thank you for your loyalty to Carnival and also for taking the time to write. I know that immediate changes will be made by the hotel director on the ship as soon as he reads this. The bigger picture is that I want a separate Platinum and Milestone party. I have suggested this many months ago and everyone said yes but the beards are dragging their heels on this which is frustrating. So please can you accept my apologies and I will continue to pursue this avenue and meanwhile let the ship know what happened.

Best wishes
John

Brandon Aldridge Asked:
My girlfriend and I will be sailing on the Valor on the 12th March. I am planning on asking her to marry me on the cruise. Where and when would be the best and most romantic place, on the boat or otherwise, to ask her. I read that you give free champagne as well so how do I get you to arrange the proposal and make sure I get the free champagne. I want the band to play our song which is I belong to you by Muse. How do I make sure this is done as well?

John Says:
Hello Brandon,

I am sure we will be able to help you although I don’t think any of our bands will know your song ……..maybe I am wrong……but it might be a case of us playing it in the dance club for you. What I need you to do is to leave a note at the guest services desk as soon as you get on the ship with your cabin number and a note about the proposal. I have already sent this to Goose the CD. I will arrange a time and a place for the proposal to happen with him and yes you can have some free champagne. Are you bringing the ring or am I providing that as well? Wishing you both many happy years together.

Best wishes
John

Sarah Asked:
Dear John, Eric, and Everett (a plea — please reply),

This will be one of the more odd requests you have to field. Here’s the story: on the Carnival Dream’s voyage to the Western Caribbean this March, my son Joe (then 5 years old, now 6) bought a blue cylinder-shaped neck pillow (not the crescent-shaped kind) with the Carnival logo. He proceeded to fall in love with it, and for nine months he treated the pillow as a security blanket and a toy. The thing went with him everywhere.

Sadly, on Saturday night, the neck pillow met a tragic and unlikely end in our fireplace while being used as a football. Joe was brave but devastated. I would like to replace it but can’t find one online. Can you help?

Many thanks!
Sarah

John Says:
Hello Sarah,

Poor Peter the Pillow……cremated. We still have these in the gift shops onboard and I have sent an e-mail to the company that runs them for you. They have asked me for you to contact them using the following e-mail address to see what can be done:

customer.service@starboardcruise.com

My apologies for the late response to your request and I hope Joe gets a new security blanket soon and also works on his football skills.

Best wishes to you all
John

Kim Leisinger Asked:
Hi John, (please respond).

My husband and I will be on the Victory 02-20-11 (room 9231) and are taking my brother and sister-in-law. They are first time cruisers and I can’t wait to show them how awesome Carnival cruises are! It is also my birthday. Is it possible to get a seat by the window in the dining room? I appreciate anything you can do. I enjoy your blog thingy so much. The “beards” did great – I actually enjoyed them in your absence. : )

John Says:
Hello Kim Leisinger,

I have asked the maitre d to do his best to help you with the table request. I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes
John

Virginia Benard Asked:
John and the helpful beards,

I just started reading your blog after the carnival Splendor incident. I love it and find it very entertaining. I have a special request.
We were schedule to sail on the Splendor on Jan. 16th and have now rescheduled for the Feb. 20th sailing. (fingers crossed) I am traveling with my family and we are also taking my sister and her oldest grandchild who is 8. They are first timers to cruising. We would love to have the early dining with a table for 6, but due to us having to change sail dates we lost our early seating confirmation. I would love for my Great Niece to experience the early dining with a fabulous wait staff. Do you think you could help us out with that request? Our stateroom numbers are 2469 and 2467. Thanks in advance.

John Says:
Hello Virginia Benard,

I am sure you are very excited that your Carnival Splendor cruise is just around the corner. I am sending your request to the maitre d and he will do all he can to assist you. I hope you all have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

Kenneth Fargnol Asked:
John – (Please reply when you get a chance)

We are platinum cruisers and we just completed a cruise on the Miracle which embarked on the 28th September. I just wanted to drop a line to tell you that, as always, we had a great time. All the staff was outstanding, but I want to let you know that a bartender was incredible friendly and fun. She made the trip special and I do hope to run into her again. She worked in the Gotham Lounge and her name was Monica Tanase. In addition I wanted to make mention of our PVP Dave Robinson who is awesome.

We will be cruising on the Spirit on February 25th and I am taking a group of 8. These people rarely take Carnival and prefer your sister line of Holland America so I really am showing off Carnival on this trip so if there is anything you could say to the Maitre-de to get us a great table of eight I would appreciate it.

By the way, we met you and your lovely wife on the Freedom in the Mediterranean. You were so funny and entertaining that I have been following your blog since then.

Best Regards
Kenneth Fargnoli

John Says:
Hello Kenneth Fargnoli,

Thanks for that wonderful review that highlighted both shoreside and onboard staff who together helped make your cruise vacation so memorable. I will make sure they all see your words of praise. I have sent your request to the maitre d on the Carnival Spirit and he will do all he can to help you. I hope you all have a brilliant time and thanks for all your kind words.

Best wishes
John

REINA W Asked:
Please reply,

Is there a chocolate buffet on the fascination boat when we go in on in March and does we have to pay.

John Says:
Hello Reina W,

Yes indeed, there will be a chocolate buffet served on the last sea day on Lido Deck 9 and there is no charge. I know you will enjoy it. Have a great time.

Best wishes
John

Sign Of the Fish Cruiser Asked:
Please reply

Your comments on religion were disgusting John. You need to repent and find forgiveness at the mercy seat.

John Says:
Hello Sign Of the Fish Cruiser,

Ummmm…………I apologise if I upset you but honestly I haven’t a clue what you are talking about. Please can you send another post with the comments I made that have made you so upset.

Best wishes,
John

Alyssa Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

First off, I hope you had a great vacation!

The hubby and I are cruising the Destiny on May 2, 2011 and are so excited! I have cruised many times but this is the first one without my mother, and first REAL vacation as an adult. I think I’ve earned it ! This is hubby’s first cruise ever and first time even leaving New England, U.S! I keep trying to explain it all to him and I still don’t think he realizes how great it is going to be.

We will also be celebrating our Anniversary on May 6th. Figured this would be the perfect occasion for our first family cruise together! I was hoping you could think of something extra special for him to celebrate these occasions. Our cabin is 8335 and booking number is ______.
I can’t wait to show him what a blast Carnival really is!

Thanks so much,
Alyssa

John Says:
Hello Alyssa

It looks like you have a lot of things to celebrate when you cruise in May. How wonderful that the first time your husband will leave his home state will be on the ship. Now I will be honoured (spelt correctly) to send you something for your anniversary but as the cruise is sometime away please can I ask you to post this again on March 10th here on the blog thingy or a week before you cruise on my Facebook wall. This way I will be sure to get it done. Thanks for all the kind words and have a great cruise

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today. I continue to answer as many questions as I can here and on Facebook and if yours has not been answered yet I promise to do my best to get to it soon.

I spoke to the beards and they have agreed I won’t be Twittering. By the way, Eric the Beard who is truly a brilliant chap will be joining us on the Bloggers Cruise as will Jordan who is the chap with overall responsibility for carnival.com. They will host a bearded Q & A

Here then is the latest piano bar roster featuring the brilliant men and women who provide so much fun on our ships.

LI Brad Alexander 02/19/11
SE Barry Miller 02/24/11
FS Jordan Heppner 02/24/11
EC Lorraine Ingle 02/24/11
DR Tom Riccio 02/26/11
VI Wally Boik 03/06/11
SP Jafar Curry 03/06/11
DE Linda Wiggins 04/09/11
FA Robert Crucilla 04/13/11
MI Greg Gallello 05/14/11
TI Ben Prince 05/14/11
LE Angela Johnson 05/15/11
IS Richard Atha 05/16/11
EL Bruce McGhie 05/26/11
PA Todd Troutman 06/03/11
PR Roger Concepcion 06/05/11
CQ James Morris 06/12/11
IM Mikael Smith 06/13/11
FD David Filsinger 07/16/11
GL Dana Honey 07/23/11
SL N/A Drydock
VA N/A Drydock

Just one correction- Ron Pass will be on Carnival Glory for 2 cruises-02/20 and Blogger’s Cruise on 02/27

We are in Tortola today an island that unlike St. Thomas, St. Martin and others never really gets the recognition it deserves. Heidi and I first came here on the Carnival Triumph during her special 10-day Millennium cruise back in 2000 and we really loved it and still do. There are no high rise hotels, no casinos, and very few loud touristy bars. Today the Carnival Freedom is sending 200 guests to the neighboring island of Virgin Gouda. Here is what they will be doing.

VIRGIN GORDA & THE BATHS

Virgin Gorda is the third largest and second most populated of the British Virgin Islands.

On this excursion you will:

• Begin with a 40-minute cruise across the Sir Francis Drake Channel; to Spanish Town, Virgin Gorda.
• Board open-air safari busses for a short 5-minute ride to the famous baths.
• Swim or bask in the sun amid mammoth boulders in this unique atmosphere of palms, sand and sea caves.
• Take a stroll through the intricate network of trails discovering hidden caves and sea pools.
• Enjoy a complimentary beverage before boarding the boat back to Road Town and your ship.
• This is a brilliant excursion and Tortola should be a place everyone visits and on this superb 5 port 8 day cruise………….you can.

OK, time to go and see Ketut and ask him for one of his magic potions to get rid of chewing gum. He is actually my friend again after I gave him a $3 raise. Heidi loves chewing gum…….as do many others. Me………I sodding hate it. Heidi says it’s comforting…….. how is chewing gum “comforting?” It’s a tiny thingy that lasts five seconds before you’re left chewing a flavorless knot of horse scrotum…….my underpants have more flavor…… and will last longer.

Honestly, the taste of mint or spearmint or tofu lasts but a few minutes. Unless you sit on a discarded lump of it like I did this morning on Lido deck thanks to some little bastard who left it on the chair………then the stain on your best JC Penney pants lasts a bloody lifetime. People often ask me why we don’t sell chewing gum in the gift shops………..well now you know why.

Well, it’s nearly time to go but first we need to talk about the Carnival Splendor. She is expected to leave her dry dock position in San Francisco on February 11th and will sail to Pier 35. I know many of you have been asking about this because you want to go and see her. On the 12th and 13th of February the ship’s crew will join and then sometime on the 14th (not sure exactly when) she will leave for sea trials before heading to Long Beach with 1,500 crew and contractors onboard arriving in Long Beach sometime on the 19th before returning to service on the 20th.

It has been a long time coming and it will be wonderful to welcome her back to the fleet. There is though one problem. You see, I am in a bit of a pickle. Carnival beards have suggested that I should be there for these sea trials and to help Felipe get the ship ready. I’ll be blogging, of course, and there may be some press stuff to do as well once we arrive.

Carnival is being truly great about this and is leaving this up to me because they know I have been traveling a lot already to New York, Memphis twice and 5 trans-Atlantic flights in a seven week period. But it’s not the 6 hour flight to San Francisco in coach that bothers me…………it’s the fact that I really wanted to be just a simple, badly dressed, overweight cruise director with a large white arse again and being here on the Carnival Freedom allows me to be just that. And I know if I were to go then I would be letting a lot of people down who are sailing here between now and the 26th. But my heart is telling me that before the Bloggers Cruise that I should go home ………to the Carnival Splendor and be part of her return. So I have a lot to think about. It’s not just me I have to think of though because if I do go I will have to leave the ship to Dan who is the current ACD here as he will become cruise director until Ryan returns. So there is lots to think about and I shall talk to Heidi now as she always helps me see things sensibly. I will let you know my decision later tonight on Facebook as I won’t be writing a blog tomorrow as I have busy day regardless of what I decide to do. Any advice you have would be most welcome.

I watched one of the ships movies last night. It was some romantic movie starring Drew Barrymore and some actor and basically it involved lots of romance and rumpy pumpy followed by loads of cuddling. This of course is a work of fiction because as any male blogger reading this will know……..what happens after rumpy pumpy in the real world has bugger all to do with what Hollywood portrays. We fall asleep after rumpy pumpy. It’s the law because rumpy pumpy is usually last thing at night. Also, as men, we’re already thinking about the next thing……..job done ….. let’s move on to the next one, which, after a good fart…… is going to sleep……. Cuddle? ……………….cuddle my arse.

See you on Facebook tomorrow………what am I going to do? Honestly at this moment ………….. I don’t have a sodding clue. I really am www.confused.com.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

William Schenker Asked:
John

I have been looking at various photos of you on your blog here and on the Carnival Facebook page and have come to the conclusion that you need serious help with your dress sense. I am talking seriously here because having recently sailed on Norwegian and Celebrity, the entertainment directors were smart, good looking and looked fit and healthy. I suggest you have a good look at yourself in the mirror and buy some new clothes and losing 100 pounds might help as well. Your online programs are obviously well read and so as a representative of your company I would think they would like to look professional. I have a way I can help you through something that I have used to help many others. This online weight loss program was designed by the world-class fitness trainer from the popular TV shows Losing It with Jillian and The Biggest Loser. E-mail me and I will tell you how I can get the weight off you.

You don’t look good John, I can help you lose the weight and then you can look as good as your counterparts on other cruise companies.

William Schenker

John Says:
Hello William

Well I am not sure how to reply to this. I was at first offended and thought about saying May the curse of a thousand bed bugs infest your underpants………but that would not be professional would it?

I understand that I don’t look like the typical cruise director. I have met others from Cunard, Princess, Royal Caribbean and Holland America and you are correct, they all look like they have fallen off the front cover of GQ Magazine. Me, on the other hand……well I look like I have fallen of the front cover of I Love Pork Weekly. Costa Cruises’ cruise directors are all Italian and the men are ridiculously good looking. They have their hair styled and their nails done before they will even step foot on stage.

It is funny you should mention my clothes because someone on Facebook said they didn’t like the pinstripe suit I was wearing during last week’s visit to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Listen, I know I have to lose weight and thank you for your offer to help. I am really trying and rather than resort to your wonder product I will try the old fashioned way and eat more green stuff.

As for the clothes……..well I have never been too bothered about how I dress and what people think of my lack of fashion sense. You see, as far as I’m concerned clothes only have two functions:

1. To keep me warm, and
2. to stop people seeing my genitals.

No, really. If my meat and two veg are warm and cozy and hidden from view, I consider myself to be well dressed. If, on the other hand, they’re out in the cold and all shriveled up, I consider myself to be badly dressed. It’s that simple. Besides, I genuinely worry about men who preen themselves for hours before going out. Indeed, we have a name for people like this. These days they are called metrosexual……….or French.

There are riots in Egypt. I have to answer 300 more questions on the blog before I am up to date. Terrorists are plotting to blow us all to kingdom come. I miss Heidi and Kye terribly. So respectfully William……..I don’t have the time to stand in front of a mirror thinking….. “I wonder if this shirt is a bit last year.”

Thanks though for your concern

Best wishes
John

Yesterday I was told I had a “large white arse” and today my inbox has William’s post in it. Oh joy. Just once I would like to open my comments and see one from a Latvian lap dancer who having seen my blog and Facebook photos wants to immediate rumpy pumpy with me on the hood of an Aston Martin DBS before walking out center court at a Miami Heat game and telling the huge crowd that “Zat John is ze best lover I have ever hadov, his thingy Lebron James’s thingy look like ze baby carrot.”

Time for today’s other questions to be answered…………….away we go.

Meghan Asked:
John please reply…

I’m sad that I won’t be sailing with you on the Freedom (though I knew I wouldn’t since I’m on the one the same time as the bloggers cruise) I was excited to see who I would be sailing with, but it looks as of now it is just ACD…will we get to find out who it is? Not really a huge thing to me, as I have enjoyed the 3 different cruise directors I have had in the past, and I’m sure I will enjoy this one as well….just hoping to know in advance…thanks! Hope you Heidi and Kye have a wonderful holiday

John Says:
Hello Meghan

I am sad also that I won’t be with you but you will love the staff here and the chap who is taking over as CD. His name is Dan, he is from Australia and he has been chosen to take over the ship until Ryan gets back. I am getting to know Dan at the moment and I can see that he is going to do a very good job indeed. I really wish you a wonderful cruise and hope to sail with you one day soon.

Best wishes
John

Elizabeth Asked:
John, Please Reply

Please think about doing a Bloggers Cruise from Galveston.
I can’t do the upcoming one and would so like to go!

John Says:
Hello Elizabeth

As you may know, I loved cruising out of Galveston when I was CD of the Carnival Conquest and so it would make sense to have BC5 from there. Let’s see what happens. Best wishes and I hope to see you soon

John

Thomas Rossini Asked:
Hi John … Please Reply…

I am travelling on Feb the 19th on the Carnival Dream. There are 15 of us going and I was wondering if you might be able to speak to the Maitre D’ and see if we could be placed in the Crimson Restaurant next to each other at a window. We are travelling with children between the ages of 12-3 who love to look out the windows. All of our reservations should be linked and my booking number is ______. Also if it’s not too much to ask… I know the children might think their special if we could do something for them… I am planning on decorating their rooms through bon voyage thanks again for your time support and commitment.

John Says:
Hello Thomas Rossini

It’s great to hear that you and 14 others will be enjoying the delights of your Carnival Dream. I will certainly ask the maitre d for their assistance. I wish you all a brilliant cruise

Best wishes
John

Amy Asked:
PLEASE REPLY

Once upon a time ago, we sent cash to Carnival to be put on our sign & sail account (including $750 for down payment on another cruise) so that we would not have a shocking bill at the end of our vacation.

Problem 1, we had to use our credit card for the future cruise, so our plan of using the sign & sail card (this is attached to a credit card) did not work for that portion of our cruise. Problem 2, on the last day of our cruise, Mayumi (the best stateroom attendant ever) gave us a check for $748 (we went over budget by $2). Which we took to our bank on Monday, to cover the charge to the credit card for our future cruise. Later that day, Carnival called & informed us that an error was made & that they stopped payment on the check that they issued & that we would be getting a check for $549 instead.

Problem 3, is the big problem, Carnival is now not communicating with us. There was no “sorry, that our mistake will obviously mess up your banking.” 3 days later we are still waiting for any response (not to mention the replacement check) regarding the error made by Carnival’s Purser.

We were on the November 28th sailing on the Carnival Pride in room 6202. (Booking number: ______)

Any assistance that you can provide in getting Carnival’s customer service representative to contact us is appreciated.

John Says:
Hello Amy

I apologise for the delay in me replying to this and hopefully someone from Carnival will have contacted you by now. In case this has not happened I will certainly now pass this onto someone who can help discuss this with you. I hope you had a great cruise and please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Best wishes
John

Lori Asked:
John – Please reply if you have time.

We are cruising on the Carnival Spirit in February. Can you tell me a little bit about our CD, Stuart Dunn? 63 days and counting!

Thanks,
Lori

John Says:
Hello Lori

Stuart is a fantastic guy and probably the CD with the most energy I have ever seen. He used to be a gold miner in his home country of Australia and then joined the ships as a fitness instructor ………just like me. You will really enjoy his fun and the energy I mentioned is contagious. You are in for loads of fun.

Here is a photo of Stu Down Under

Have a brilliant cruise

Best wishes
John

L.D.R. Asked:
Reply urgent

Read this!

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1332840&highlight=big+cutbacks+for+carnival

Why is Carnival doing this? I am sure that you have read this link and seen the displeasure of the CC folks and that alone should make you shiver with worry. Paying for steak, lobster, no turn over by the cabin cleaners and cutting the crew so service levels drop what’s next.

John Says:
Hello L.D.R

I didn’t open the link because the text of your post already tells me that none of these rumors are correct.

Best wishes
John

Bob Colonna Asked:
John,

Please reply John.

Happy to learn of the “new in-house music” systems on all the Carnival Ships. My wife & I plus friends will be sailing on the Carnival Pride out of Baltimore on 5/1/2011. I’ll provide you a status.

Now, as for my music choice it’s SINATRA and (really) only SINATRA, plus ALL his friends:

Dino, Sammy, Tony, Ella, Rosemary, etc, etc, etc.

We’ve sailed with you on Sensation (our first cruise in 1997) then Destiny and Triumph. The upcoming Pride cruise will be our 12th on Carnival. And still you are the “best of the best” CD’S out there. We’ve sailed on HAL, RCCL & NCL and all in all we’ve cruised on about 20 cruises and haven’t had a better CD than you.

All the best to you and yours,
Bob Colonna

John Says:
Hello Bob Colonna

Thanks for that very kind post. The new music system is doing very well and I have heard it firsthand here. This morning while at breakfast there was Michael Buble, Queen and Lady Ga Ga who was telling me to poke someone in the face. I will be interested to hear your thoughts about the selection of music we have. Hope to sail with you again soon and thanks so much for your loyalty.

Best wishes
John

Henry Victor Asked:
John Please reply

In March my wife and I are taking our 16 year old daughter and her 21 year old friend on the Liberty. What can I do, or whom can I contact so the girls can go to the O2 club together? They were allowed to do so on Royal so I need you to arrange this because if it doesn’t happen we will never cruise carnival again. This is not a threat it is a promise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Says:
Hello Henry Victor

I am sorry to bring bad news but we have very strict rules about this that I do not have the ability to break. Our Club O2 age is 15 – 17 and we simply cannot allow her 21 year old friend to be in there with her. I am sure they will have loads of fun and I am also sure that while they are doing so you and your wife will have a brilliant time as well. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes to all
John

Michael Davis Asked:
John, the favor of a reply, please?

We’d LOVE to see you on the Fantasy in May or whenever; she’s right in our backyard (Charleston) full time now. Having read the blog thingy religiously for a while and after seeing amazing video snippets of you, we think having the opportunity to sail with you would be, as you say, “brilliant.”

But the CD sked posted has you listed a lot of other places, especially the Magic in May, and Risa Barnes as CD aboard Fantasy. Which is correct?

John Says:
Hello Michael Davis

You will love the Carnival Fantasy and sailing out of Charleston. I know I did when I was there last year. I am sorry for the typo I made on the schedule and it will indeed be Risa who will be your CD and not me as I will be on your Carnival Magic. Have a brilliant time and please let me know if I can help you with anything.

Best wishes
John

Grace Underwood Asked:
John – please reply

Why doesn’t Carnival have its own private island? I know that Carnival owns Princess and Holland America and that some Carnival ships sometimes dock at Half Moon Cay (which I have read fantastic things about and hope to sail there soon), but why doesn’t Carnival have its own island. Many cruise lines (whether owned by Carnival or not) have their own island, and they always are among the most popular visits the ships make. It always makes for a very nice quiet, relaxing day… a perfect vacation day with a nice private beach, music and entertainment, and good food. Princess Cay is amazing and I wish Carnival had one of their own. Are there any plans for Carnival to get a private island?

John Says:
Hello Grace Underwood

You must visit Half Moon Cay….…it is quite simply……paradise. Holland America under the watchful eye of Vice President of Caribbean Relations Matt Sams have really made this island stand out from many of the others. When I visited on the Carnival Imagination I was stunned by just how gorgeous a place it was and we’re grateful to be able to call there on many of our ships.

I have never been to Princess Cay, I have heard that it is also stunning. Private islands are popular with many guests although I must admit some guests prefer larger ports that offer a larger variety of things to do such as shopping districts and sightseeing opportunities. However …….I love Half Moon Cay and I am sure Princess Cay is just as beautiful. There are no plans at the moment for Carnival Cruise Lines to add another private island though. Please note that you can now reserve cabanas at Half Moon Cay online.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow. By the way, the total views on the blog so far are 8,918,981.

OK, just a quick note about The Chef’s Table. It turns out I may confused some of you regarding the gratuity. The $75 does in fact include a gratuity all be it a minimal one. Think of this as the same as the steakhouse, however it is always nice to give a few dollars if the service has been excellent. It will be shared between everyone who is involved with this great event. It’s not obligatory but if you wish to give something extra………..it is truly appreciated.

It’s a beautiful day here in St. Thomas but because I could be a possible terrorist with some semtex in my underpants, U.S. Customs and Border Protection will not allow me ashore. We are sharing the port with the Carnival Dream, Norwegian Pearl, and one of the Monsters of the Seas. How many passengers is that…..ummm……ummmm…I make it….. ummmm……. thousands.

There is no doubt that St. Thomas has the infrastructure to handle so many cruise ship visitors and I guess it is testament to the popularity of cruising that each ship is here today sending their guests ashore to spend thousands in the jewelry shops and to enjoy places like Megan’s Bay, Paradise Point and the site of the BC4 shore excursion, Bluebeards Castle. I just can’t get away from the beards.

From what I have seen the guests here on the Carnival Freedom are having a great time. I did speak to one blogger last night who made a comment saying that the Punchliner comedy club was too small and there were no seats. Well, we do perform these shows in the International Lounge which seats 350 and we have 5 shows a night……that’s three PG 13 shows and two adult shows. This means there is plenty of opportunity for guests to see the comedians who perform there. The other point here is that if you place the comedy club in the main theatre you lose that comedy club feeling which I believe is really important to the success.

Last night I saw two comedians I have not seen before. One was very, very funny and one was as funny as waking up and finding a gangrenous boil on your arse. This apparently was not just my opinion but the opinion of the guests who showed how they felt my buggering off. Ryan the CD here and I agree that he should not be invited back. He won’t be.

With the Punchliner now a massive hit across the fleet it has become more of a challenge for the folks in Miami to book the comedians. We know that people like Happy Cole, Lewis Nixon, Percy Crews, Al Ernst, Mike Macy, Jim Brick, Kim Harrison and many other Carnival favourites are going to always fill the room with laughter. But we need new blood and most of the new comedians are extremely funny. But occasionally one of the booking agents will send us someone who may not reach that standard. Have you seen a comedian on a Carnival cruise that you thought was just the funniest you have seen? Please let me know who your favourite comedian is.

By the way, just a quick note. The comedians on the Bloggers Cruise 4 will include Al Ernst and Lewis Nixon……………..brilliant.

Let’s take a break and meet the Carnival Freedom cruise director. Here is Ryan Fitzgerald:

1. Please tell us about yourself and your journey to the Cruise Director chair. I’ve been a musician my entire life. My Dad, a retired Army Colonel and avid guitar player, got me started on the saxophone at the age of 10. I played all through school and into college. I started working at amusement parks over the summer months after my freshmen year at Ball State University (alma mater of David Letterman!). First stop was King’s Island in Cincinnati, Ohio as a member of the often laughed at, and not in a good way, “Way Too Much TV Band.” We played silly theme songs on black asphalt in 100-degree weather while people waited in line to get on really cool roller coasters that we just looked at…worst job ever. After that it was Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, which is where I got the job for Carnival.

I started with Carnival as a member of the orchestra on the Jubilee in September 2002. Matt Ross was the cruise director and I can remember vividly the first Welcome Aboard Show I ever saw. He did the classic ‘hat game’ to get the show started and I knew from that very moment that the job of cruise director was one I would have. After almost 2 years in the band I switched over to the entertainment staff and worked my way up from there.

2. What ship are you going to after vacation I will return to the Carnival Freedom

3. Before we talk about you let’s talk about the ship. What are you favorite areas of the vessel and what is it that makes your ship the best in the Carnival fleet. Personally, I like to be where all the action is. I like to see people walking by and maybe hanging for a drink or two so the Casino Bar is one of my favorite spots to be. I know it’s a little dorky of me too but I love the ceiling at that bar. I still have no idea how the heck it works! My other favorite is the Robusto Bar, Deck 4 Aft. The main reason for this one is the music. You can’t go wrong with the band we have in there. Music Motion play great music from classic rock to 60′s and country. It never takes too long to get a drink and the entertainment is great. I feel the Carnival Freedom is the best ship in the fleet because of the incredible selection of ‘stuff.’ The team on board is so motivated to not only keep the guests busy and entertained but also keeping themselves entertained with new stuff for the guests. I’ve never seen a ship with such a variety as well as busy schedule of events of all activity levels day in and day out. I confidently say during each Welcome Aboard Show: Even if you’ve cruised 30 times, I’ll bet you’ll see something by the end of the week that you’ve never seen on another ship anywhere in the world.

4. Can you tell us about your favourite places to go in St Thomas. I love the Skyride to Paradise Point combined with St John Trunk Bay Beach and Snorkel

5. If someone were to ask you “what does a Carnival cruise director do” how would you reply? I’ll start with the fact that a cruise director is in charge of all the entertainers on board. We’re a big part of the decision process as to the schedule of both major and minor events throughout the voyage. We’re also a senior officer with major safety responsibilities and a department head with major management responsibilities. We wake up early, we go to bed late, drink lots of coffee and always smile! We’re Jack Bauer when things go wrong (that’s the guy from 24 that saves the world in a day) and the president when things go right (he’s the guy who always acts like it was not big deal that Jack Bauer had to save the world in a day!). And, on top of all that, we are entertainers that make people laugh, keep the energy high, and make sure guests enjoy themselves every single day.

6. What is your most favorite part of the job. I love so many parts of the job so I’ll get specific with events that I get most excited for: The Live Morning Show, The Game of Love, our new Murder Mystery event and playing with the Orchestra whenever possible.

7. If we were to sail on a ship where you are the CD what would be the must not miss activity or show that you host. That one’s easy, all the ones I mentioned above!

8. What is the hardest and or most challenging part of the job of Carnival CD? I think a lot of us would probably answer similarly here. The hardest part is challenge created by being both manager and an entertainer. We have energy, keep smiling and offer ourselves to guests almost all hours of the day for just about any reason. If you read John’s blog you can see, there are some pretty wild concerns that guests have but we it’s only fair that we give these concerns just as much of our attention than any other concern. Any concern is a legitimate one and we have to listen. We also have to manage a department, that means disciplining a person that you expect to then go out and perform with smiles and passing this on to the guests. It can be tough but for a professional entertainer, it’s something we have to deal no matter part of the puzzle we fit into.

9. If you could sail on any other cruise ship (not Carnival) what ship would you like to sail on as a guest and why. I’m on the big ships enough. I think I’d have to pick a small, luxury line. Maybe Seabourn.

10. Finally – please fill in the blanks
YOUR FAVOURITE ACTOR – Leonardo DiCaprio

YOUR FAVOURITE ACTRESS – Julia Roberts (Being metrosexual I’m a sucker for chick flicks!)

WHATS ON YOUR EYE POD – John, you’re officially and old man. It’s an iPod. Boy Bands, The Fray, U2, Coldplay, Gavin Degraw, Jason Mraz, Death Cab for Cutie, Michael Buble

YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE – High Fidelity

WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH – Will Ferrell

WHAT PRODUCTS DO YOU PUT ON EACH DAY? I use Elemis face skin care anti-aging treatments that feels clean, refreshed and relaxed all throughout my busy day as a cruise director. I highly recommend Elemis Eye Cream for men. It reduces the appearance of dark under-eye circles, fine lines and puffiness that can give you a tired, burned-out appearance on like John, George, Steve and some of the other CD’s have. I should also say that here on the Carnival Freedom we have the best nail technician in the fleet. His name is Jamie and he does me every Thursday.

Thanks Ryan……congratulations on all your success and it is a pleasure to watch you work ………. nails my arse.

There is a very interesting point in his interview and that’s about the Robusto Bar. You see, since the start of the Punchliner Comedy Club we have struggled to find a place for the four piece bands to play. Not only has the Punchliner taken much of the aft lounge time on Destiny, Conquest, Splendor and Dream class vessels, but we also now have Superstar Live there as well.

So many of you will have seen that we have put these bands on Promenade Deck by the casino. This is not the best place in any way because not only is most of the traffic just passing by, but there are cabins directly beneath and this can cause some complaints from guests who can hear their music while resting.

So Ryan has placed the excellent band in the Robusto Bar called Music Motion. Now this means that a) with no cabins above or below there are no noise complaints and b) there is a purpose built dance floor as well. Now obviously there is the smoking issue but certainly from what I have seen here the lounge has been packed each night. More so than when we have had the jazz trios and classical trios and Latin bands there. It works, it’s great for the guests, great for the bar and I am wondering if this is not something we should look at doing on all the ships. Your thoughts?

Being a non-CD this week has its benefits. Yes I am bored and can’t wait to grab the microphone once again. But being mostly unknown I can sit, listen and watch to what people are saying and doing. Take this morning. I am sitting here at one of the breakfast tables on Lido Deck in the shade, blogging to all of you. The sun is shining and I am surprised that at 10:30am just how many people are still on the ship and not ashore. You would think that maybe it would be mostly the older guests who are still here but it’s not……there are young people as well…and they include a group of 5 ladies who have obviously enjoyed the help of some cosmetic surgery because between them the massive heat of the St. Thomas sunshine is completely being overshadowed by their ummmmmm…… breasts.

Sitting on Lido Deck you will see a whole variety of sizes — melons, bee stings, fried eggs, and spaniel’s ears. But the group I am looking at now…… purely for blog research purposes of course ………have breasts 10 years younger than their owners. And all of them were utterly fantastic. One of this group has well…….I don’t think I can describe them ……. ummm…….imagine Pamela Andersen sitting on an air hose. Honestly, between them this group has more sand in their bikinis…….than can be found on Megans Bay beach.

Finally I want to say a special hello to Richard and Sarah-Jane who are sailing here on the Carnival Freedom. They were also with me during the Carnival Splendor fire and we spent some time today reminiscing about what happened. Listening to their story of living in a dark inside cabin and their struggle as 70 year old guests to climb the stairs from their deck 2 cabin to the lido for food brought it all home to me. But it was the fact that they had nothing…….I mean absolutely nothing but amazing words of praise to say about the crew and the way Carnival looked after them once the ship returned to San Diego. They wanted me to mention their stateroom steward I Wan who each morning checked on them and brought sandwiches to their cabin so they didn’t have to climb the stairs. This along with the aftercare Carnival’s shore side team gave them was something very special indeed.

I sent them some chocolate covered strawberries and I saw them last night they thanked me ……. and laughed out loud because not only did I send those…..I also sent them a tray of sandwiches.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

Now one thing that you will all want to know is what is going to happen to our Alaska season when she leaves for Australia. Well there is no definite news about what ship we have chosen to sail to the Last Frontier yet but we will be returning to Alaska in 2013……… as soon as I hear anything I will of course let you all know

I know the ship had a lot of fans and that some of the West Coast folks will be disappointed that she is leaving. But Australia is a vibrant market and it makes total sense for us to put a ship down ummmm under……..although using the word “under” when referring to a cruise ship doesn’t seem right somehow.

We Brits have a strange relationship with our Australian cousins. If we don’t hate them, why do we love to beat them? Why is it Australia, above all other nations that we like to beat at sport? Why is it that defeat at the hands of Australia is one of the most painful sensations that sport can offer? Like the New York Knicks beating the Miami Heat or America losing to Canada at hockey. Why is it that sporting encounters between England and Australia are fought with such extraordinary intensity?

Our nations are friends, most of us have individual Australian friends, the British love Australia and Australians love England. There is a history of warfare shared by both countries, but they have always fought on the same side. It’s not like the traditional soccer rivalries between England and Germany, England and Argentina, in which the countries have spent time killing each other. But when England plays Australia at any sport, especially cricket, we hate each other nearly as much as we both hate the French. Oh and by the way, I won’t go into explaining cricket to my North American blog readers because by the time I have finished some of you will have died.

Let me just say that last week the English team beat the Australian team in the equivalent of the Superbowlworldseriesnchampionship and there was much rejoicing. What else can I tell you about the Aussies? Well they have more ways of killing you in that country you than most other countries in the world. The most poisonous snakes in the world live in Australia and so do the spiders. One of these is called the red back spider which has a tendency to live in your toilet and whose bite is fatal. There you are sitting on the throne, reading the Outback Times when a red back bites you in the arse and that’s it…….you die on the toilet. Still at least you are sitting in the right place when you realise a spider has bitten you and your going to die and you lose control of last night’s dinner.

Talking of dinner Aussies like to eat crocodile. Yes, they really do. No wonder these huge sods keep eating people. They’re just getting their own back for all the times their mates have turned up on the menu at swanky Sydney restaurants. It was bad enough when crocodile handbags were all the rage. My Aussie mates tell me it tastes like chicken……so why not just eat chicken then? ……… or Australia’s other, bouncier meal, the kangaroo, which believe it or not tastes like porterhouse from our steakhouses.

The Australians go to work in shorts and that’s a good enough reason to hate them. Also, they have cookers in their kitchens but choose to cook their shrimps in the garden. And the only invention to have come out of Australia, ever, is the rotary washing line.  The Australians have plenty for us to envy though, and it’s not just climate and beaches and Kylie Minogue’s bottom. Australia has only just begun. Australia is still inventing itself. Having been there myself pre-Heidi (she won’t go because of the spider thingy) you get a feeling that you could do anything ……………… be anybody.

Australia represents a kind of alternative reality like the ones in Star Trek. It offers freedoms that most countries are truly jealous of. And oh boy, how Australians love to cruise. Anytime I have had Aussies on the ships with me they have been fun, outgoing and love to meet and mingle and meet as many new mates as they can. They are also extremely good for bar revenue.

So as I say, it makes total sense for us to put a ship out there and if there is ever going to be a perfect definition of “Fun Ships”………then it’s a ship full of Aussies.

Maybe some of you can spend some time touring this incomparable country and then take a cruise with your new mates on the Carnival Spirit. Trust me……it will be a cruise you will never forget. Just check the toilet before you sit down.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..off we go.

Andrew Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY

Sorry if this is posted again but didn’t see it the first time.
Just want to tell you how well the blog is. Sailed with you on the DREAM last Feb. and you sent home a photo and a ship on a stick for my son. Thank you! Just have a few questions for you.

Because I push a Carnival Cruise so much, 10 of us are booked on the GLORY on March 27th. Four have never cruised before and two with a different line. (Told the Carnival was better!!)

1. Will you be on the cruise? (I see your doing the BC4. in Feb on the GLORY)
2. Would like to know what you recommend for my parents as they just had their 40th anniversary and my mother turns 60 after the cruise. I gave the cruise as a gift for Christmas. Still like to do a little something on the cruise.
3. When we arrived on the DREAM, the spa had a special offer for the week. Could you find out if this is done on the GLORY as well?

Thank you again for the great cruise and look forward to cruising again with Carnival!!

Again love the blog thingy!!

John Says:
Hello Andrew

Don’t apologise Andrew as it’s my fault for being so far behind and that’s why your question hasn’t been answered until now. Thanks so much for your loyalty to Carnival and for promoting the company to others, we are very grateful indeed. Unfortunately I won’t be the CD when you sail as I am only on the Carnival Glory for the Bloggers Cruise starting on the Feb. 27. Your CD will though be the very, very funny George Solano. Please can you send me another posting with your Mum’s name and stateroom number on so that I can send her a little birthday surprise?

The spa on the Carnival Glory will indeed have daily specials but I think the one you are referring to is the weekly pass to the Cloud 9 Spa facilities. This only applies to the Carnival Splendor and your Carnival Dream and will apply to your Carnival Magic. I know that you will all have a brilliant time and I hope you can send me Mum’s details. Best wishes to all and thanks so much for the kind words about the blog thingy

John

Leigha Holt Asked:
Dear John, (Please Respond)

My boyfriend (now fiancé thanks to the cruise) went on a cruise with our family in September on the Splendor. We were lucky enough to sit by you and your wife on the first dress up night at dinner. We had such a nice time visiting with you two and had a nice dinner. It was very kind of you to send a bottle of champagne and a plastic piece of ship to each of our rooms. We enjoyed very much the ones you sent to his room, but we never got to enjoy the ones sent to my room because, guess what?! We never got it. Oh I’m not complaining. For real. It was hilarious and we still laugh to this day and we joke about it all the time. Thanks for the memorable cruise! We had such a good time. Just didn’t have the champagne to go with it! hahaha Thanks again!

Leigha

John Says:
Hello Leigha Holt

I remember that night very well and the laughs we shared. I wonder what happened to your trophy then as you were supposed to be the main recipients. Very strange. Congratulations on your engagement and I hope that you will consider taking a honeymoon cruise with us so I can make sure you get dozens of trophies and lashings of champagne. Best wishes to all.

John

Lisa Mc Asked:
Dear John – PLEASE Reply,

John, I have been a Carnival cruiser for quite a few years and have over 17 cruises under my belt with 4 more scheduled. In January I will be on my Carnival Dream. One stop is Roatan on January 26. While I know Carnival promotes its own excursions, sometimes passengers book with reputable independent operators. I am with a group of over 50 people and several of us have booked with one such operator, Victor Bodden. I have know Victor for over 8 years and trust him and his business. In our group travelling with Victor are 2 wheelchair dependent ladies. There in lies the problem. At the new pier in Roatan, they are not always allowing independent operators to pick up passengers at the gate. To get to the independents you must walk up a 90 degree hill. Lately, it appears the “boss” at the pier is not allowing the independents to pick up disabled passengers even if some folks in the group walk up and over the hill to meet the operator. According to Victor, sometime they will and sometime they won’t allow it. As you can imagine this will be devastating for our group if our disabled passengers can’t be picked up. Since Carnival owns and controls the pier area, is there anything that can be done to ensure we are accommodated. I know Carnival in Roatan isn’t required to follow ADA requirements, but this policy just seems wrong.

Secondly, and totally unrelated, I want to comment on my first cruise with my husband and family that was in July 2003 on the non-smoking Carnival Paradise. We had a wait team on that cruise that has been unmatched by any since. We’ve had some very good wait teams but wouldn’t be able to tell you their names. However, in July 2003 Joel and Miguel were our team and we still use them as the benchmark for all other teams. I was wondering if they are still with Carnival and where? They were just that fabulous!!!

Thank you,
Lisa Mc

John Says:
Hello Lisa Mc

First of all thank you so much for being a loyal Carnival customer and I hope you enjoy many more cruises with us in the future. We are all very aware of the problems the cruise ship guests on princeCarnival, Princess and Holland America ships face when docking in Mahogany Bay in Roatan. We do realise that the walk, for some is difficult and I promise that I will address this with the right people and let you know.

It was great to read about just how good Joel and Miguel were but without a last name I don’t think I can give you accurate information as to where they are now. Miguel as you can imagine is a most popular name amongst out Latin employees and Joel is one of the most common names in the Philippines and I can think of at least 4 waiters called Joel who I know personally. Do you have their last names written anywhere? If you do please let me know. So thanks for taking the time to write and I will as promised address this situation again.

Best wishes
John

Tom Bettencourt Asked:
RESPOND JOHN PLEASE

Sorry to say but I my wife won a cruise on the “Mall of the Seas” as you call it. I won’t bother giving it a review here because it is not the place but I will say there were good points and bad points but I do want to tell you what happened. We couldn’t get into the port of Falmouth in Jamaica and the cruise director came on the speaker system and blamed CARNIVAL for us having divert to Montego Bay! He said that Carnival was “hogging” all the berths in Ocho Rios so they were being forced to go to Montego Bay instead. Is it me, or was the CD’s explanation a way of “creative lying and twisting the truth?” How about saying that the real reason we ended up in Montego Bay was because Falmouth wasn’t ready and Royal Caribbean had miscalculated opening dates?? Even if Carnival was indeed “hogging” all the berths in Ocho Rios, I find the CD’s comments to be a bit unprofessional. Just thought you should know John. We are back on Carnival in September and will see you on the Magic!

Tom

John Says:
Hello Tom

Well I have to start by saying that it would be hypocritical of me not to mention that every now and then I have a little fun at RCI’s expense which I am sure some may find unprofessional as well. I have though in my defence never said anything negative about them when I have been a CD on the ships either on stage or on the PA system….well….maybe once…. or twice….. or more.

I can’t really comment if the cruise line did or did not miscalculate the opening schedule of the port of Falmouth but I will say that all pier space is booked many months in advance so I don’t think it’s fair to say that we are hogging the space. Anyway, I will say that I thank you for letting me know about this and I am sure the beards will enjoy reading what happened. I am truly looking forward to seeing you in September on your Carnival Magic.

Best wishes
John

Cruisebunny50 Asked:
John Please reply!!

There are people on Cruise Critic that are saying starting December 1st they will be instituting a pat-down line for passengers suspected of hiding contraband in their clothing. Passengers with unusually bulky clothes or cargo shorts will be directed to these special security lines. This is in response to a rising incident of passengers using the many-pocketed cargo shorts to sneak liquor onboard. Is this true? And if yes why have you not told us the truth.

John Says:
Hello Cruisebunny50

I have to say that I have just sworn quite loudly in English and Dutch because I am getting a bit bored with all these rumours. The security procedures remain as they were onboard with guests walking through a scanner and their purchases being placed through an X-ray machine. We do not have a special line for guests that have a bulge in their pants.

Best wishes
John

Mike Asked:
John, (Please try to answer before middle of Jan)

I have a really odd question based on the recent happenings. We are taking a short cruise on Jan 23 from San Diego down to Cabo. When we go on a cruise out of country the first thing I usually do is to lock our passports in the cabin safe. I was wondering if the cabin safe runs off of ships power. I’m not saying what happened recently would ever happen again, but if for some reason the ship loses power completely, and we end up having to disembark in a foreign port, the passport is an invaluable tool to expedite return home. When we heard that the ship was coming into Ensenada rather than San Diego (as it eventually did) that was the first thought that came to mind. Can you address that? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to start a panic or anything, but I think we should all be prepared for whatever might happen and maybe putting the passports in the safe rather than carrying them is not a good idea. I’d just like to be prepared for whatever might someday happen out there. It’s not going to keep me from my much beloved Carnival Cruises either way, but there may be some things we should do to be prepared for “whatever might happen”. We all know the sea is an unforgiving mistress, but the allure is there none-the-less! I know you are running behind so if you don’t get to it before then, well, I’ll just wing it, but I would like to know regardless! Thank you in advance for your input!
Mike

John Says:
Hello Mike

This is actually a great question and the answer was one that I actually didn’t know and had to ask someone. The good news is that the safes are battery operated so you can still empty them should there be a loss of power. I should have actually realised this because as I write this answer I found myself thinking back to the Carnival Splendor incident and realised that we didn’t have any guests asking for help with this as we still had no power when we arrived in San Diego.

Good question Mike and thanks so much for asking it. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes
John

STILLMissingthesmokefreeparadise Asked:
John – PLEASE REPLY

Have you noticed (as I have) that all the Carnival bashers seem to have forgotten how to use the word PLEASE?

Point in fact – from your 11/26 Frank’s House blog -

Marvin V Asked:
John, reply.

No please, no thank you – just a command.

Some people have no manners.

Thank you for all the effort you put into the blog and for all that Carnival does to make cruising with Carnival the best vacation value one can buy.

MTSFP

John Says:
Hello STILLMissingthesmokefreeparadise

Thanks Jon, yes I have seen this now and then and just take it with a grain of salt and the fact that I am answering them, dressed only in my underpants is good enough for me. It’s also wonderful knowing that they are the few and friends like you here on the blog thingy are the many. Best wishes to you and Mrs MTSFP.

John

Doxakis Nikolaos Asked:
After reading the bellow email, I felt very upset for a comment made in regards to the Greeks Merchant Marines… “So now the crew were at their emergency stations and when I say the crew I mean every single crew member went immediately because the Carnival crew are brilliant and…..they are not Greek and thus in the lifeboats before the guests.” I am a Greek citizen, with a 20 years experience at sea, and I have always worked with so many nationalities, and this is the first time that I read such a dreadful comment with no foundation.

I want you to understand that it is a racist comment, and I ask you to write a public apology and to remove such a sensational realistic statement.

John Says:
Hello Dozakis Nikolaos

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I should point out that I was referring to the time when a Greek cruise ship Oceanos sunk and Captain Yiannis Avranas and many of the crew abandoned ship before the guests. In fact there is the famous quote he gave afterwards that said “When I give the order abandon ship, it doesn’t matter what time I leave. Abandon is for everybody. If some people want to stay, they can stay.” However, I realise that this was just one isolated incident and I should have been specific when talking about this in my blog. I realise that there are many fine and outstanding Greek sailors many of whom work in the cruise industry and I therefore apologise for any offence caused and hope you will forgive me.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and thank you all for the continuing great comments.

Just going back to the Carnival Spirit one more time as I know some of you.

Tomorrow I will feature some exciting news on the Carnival Magic so tune in here on the blog thingy as I tell you all about some fantastic new features on this ship.

Vance from PR is very popular today because I am going to feature more of his great writing again. I continue to take lots of Chef’s Table requests here on our blog thingy and this is proof positive that this continues to be the must attend event on our ships. Vance has recently written a news brief about this which was sent to all the various travel publications and as so many of you are huge fans of The Chef’s Table I thought you might like to see it as well.

Carnival’s Chef’s Table Fine Dining Experience Now Available Fleetwide

Thanks again Vance. So please remember if you want me to pre book The Chef’s Table for you all I need is a post on the blog marked “CHEF’S TABLE RESERVATION REQUEST” containing just this information:

NAME

SAILING DATE

SHIP

CABIN

NUMBER OF SPACES AT THE TABLE

E MAIL ADDRESS FOR CONFIRMATION

I remain at your service and hope you all experience this brilliant event.

Time for me to take a break and for you to meet another of our superb Assistant Cruise Directors and today we are off to the Carnival Imagination to meet Laura Pipes.

I am currently on the Imagination. Contract finishes on February 28. My next ship is the Ecstasy on May 28. I have been in the world of entertainment since the age of 3 when my  mum took me to dance lessons in my city, York, England. When I left school I was given the opportunity by my parents to further my dance training at a dance college where I perfected my jazz, ballet, tap, modern, acting and singing (by the way, I can’t sing!!)

I auditioned for Spirit of the Dance which is an Irish Production show performed all over  the world and landed a place performing in the US for two years. I had always loved the  idea of travelling around the world working on a cruise ship so I auditioned and worked for 3 years with different companies as a dancer. During these 3 years I realized how much fun it was working on a ship and seeing all these amazing places and knew I would be ‘at sea‘ for quite a while!

Whilst working as a dancer I used to enjoy following the entertainment staff around with the activities and helping them out. I loved the guest interaction. One night the cruise director asked me to take part in the Liars Club (Your Bluff) and as soon as I got on the microphone and made the audience laugh and respond I knew this was the direction I wanted to go in.

I decided to hang up the dancing shoes and wanted to apply to be a Host. In 2008 I joined Carnival as a host and within my first contract I was covering as the Asst. Cruise Director. I have worked so far on the Fascination, Paradise, Holiday and Imagination  and my next ship is the Ecstasy. My favorite thing to host is ‘The Game of Love’. I like it because you never know how the couples will respond to the questions and their answers  can be hilarious! Since being an ACD, I have been able to utilize what I have learned to train and direct numerous brand new hosts, resulting in a team that has made me proud.

The best thing about being an ACD is having a fantastic team of hosts, working together with you to create an outstanding vacation for the guests and encouraging the guests to smile, relax and ‘let their hair down.’

Thanks Laura. You know we don’t have enough female CD’s but I think the future looks bright and very bright for Laura.

If today I were to be granted three wishes by a fat chap in a diaper one would definitely be “I wish I was Italian.”

You see this afternoon I have a meeting with my accountant to discuss what money Heidi, Kye and I owe the British government in national insurance and tax.

But if I were Italian I could dismiss the whole thing with a shrug and a “I owea youa shita” because all the money would be in used notes under Mama’s bed.

My experiences of the brilliant Italian shipbuilding industry are similar. The working day begins with a cappuccino, followed by some cannolis, then an argument and an espresso and then it’s lunchtime. Lunch is enormous, lasts for two hours, probably involves some grappa and is followed by a nap, by which time we can start thinking about going home. Somewhere in the middle of all this is a one-hour work break or some similarly casual job which by some miracle will be ready, on time and looking magnifico.

I write this because I am trying to fit in a trip to the shipyard next week to film your Carnival Magic for you. I will let you know what happens.

Today in New York there is a great meeting, one I wish I could be there for and one that any true cruise head (people who like cars are petrol heads so people who like cruise ships are cruise heads, naturally) would want to see for themselves……….the Queen Mary 2, The Queen Victoria and the Queen Elizabeth all sailing into Manhattan together.

Having seen this for myself when the Queen Mary and Queen Victoria said goodbye to the QE2 in Southampton, I can testify that it is an unforgettable experience. Our man in London Peter Shanks will be there and will be reporting on the event I am sure. I also understand that Carnival’s Chairman and CEO Micky Arison will be there as well because he is an absolute cruise head and this will be something I am sure he wouldn’t want to miss.

You know, I was talking to Chris in the Miami office yesterday about me going to the shipyard to see your Carnival Magic and this along with typing in Mr. Arison’s name reminded me of one of my favourite stories. Now I am pretty sure I haven’t told you this before on the blog but forgive me if I have……….but it’s well worth sharing.

The ship involved was the Carnival Legend and she was still in the yard in Helsinki, Finland. Picture the scene. I was sitting in the cabin at the computer with Heidi preparing for the handover ceremony. This is where Carnival takes delivery of the vessel from the shipbuilders. Carnival gives the shipyard a suitcase full of money usually in $1 bills just to piss them off and the shipyard gives us the keys to the ship.

Anyway there we were working away…..well Heidi was….when I heard a knock on the door. I shouted for the knocker to come in without even turning around to see who it was. There, as large as life, was Micky Arison, Carnival Corporation’s chairman and CEO, and Carnival Corporation’s Vice Chairman Howard Frank. Now, the chances of these two chaps to come walking into my cabin were about as slim as me getting a warm welcome from the Greek officers on Celebrity.

Anyway I was asked by Mr. Arison to help him at the handover ceremony. Just a few months earlier the same ceremony had been completed on the then brand new vessel Carnival Pride and Mr. Arison said he was “a bit bored” with having to give the same old speech thanking the ship builders for their hard blah blah blah blah……..obviously Mr. Arison didn’t say blah, blah, blah, blah…….that was me adding that bit…….. but you get my drift.

He had devised a plan where during his speech thanking the shipyard for the wonderful vessel they had built I would start to heckle him from the back of the theatre and eventually walk on stage and say that his speech was boring and that it was the same speech he had done just a few months ago.

Now when the chairman of the board asks you to do this you say “Yes, sir” and he left comfortable in the knowledge that this would happen while I went straight to the bathroom and gave the toilet some shock and awe.

So, what was I going to do? There would be 1,000 people in the room, all from Finland and 99% of them spoke as much English as a three-year-old from Mongolia.

The idea had been that I would do the heckling in English and then five minutes of jokes, etc., in English knowing that the boss and a few others would be the only ones to understand. And of course while the chairman and vice chairman of Carnival would be laughing their expensive hand-made Italian socks off, the fat English bloke in the JC Penney suit would look a total wanker (www.urbandictionary.com).

Bollocks to that I said to Heidi and I decided (and quite bravely I might add) to turn the tables around and do the whole thing in Finnish. The problem was I only new one sentence in Finnish and as I doubted nobody in the room would want to go and mate with a reindeer….… I went for help. This came from one of our Finnish pursers, the wonderful Maarit, who translated all my jokes into Finnish and wrote them out phonetically. I practiced for two hours even trying them out on another Finnish crew member until they understood me and laughed.
Now, I want to cut to the time when I actually get on stage and come back to the best bit. Once on stage I stood next to Mr. Arison, Mr. Frank and the captain and they waited for me to do my speech in English but I then started to do it in Finnish and the audience laughed they looked very bemused. It had worked and the ceremony was successful and a whole lot of fun! I remember one particular line I used that had the 1,000 Finnish builders laughing hard……..and I looked across at the chairman and he smiled and nodded not knowing that I had actually said that if they managed to deliver the next new ship the Carnival Miracle on time that Mr. Arison had agreed to ride up and down in the atrium glass elevators…….naked…….they did………he didn’t!

Now, the best bit. Let me set the scene. There are 1,000 shipyard workers, all the Carnival executives and shipboard department heads. The thing was, I had not told anyone apart from Heidi that I was going to do this. Mr. Arison started his speech and I immediately started whispering quietly from the back that I was so bored with this and I couldn’t take it anymore.

Then, without warning I sprang from my chair as though someone had just goosed me with a cactus and shouted from the back of the room “Get off the stage, you said the same thing last time, boooooooooooooooo.”

One thousand heads turned to look at me in horror, but none more so than the Hotel Director Shahnaz. The look of horror in her eyes is something that I can still see so clearly today.

I continued to shout “Boring!” and “This sucks!” to the most influential man in the cruise industry and as I shouted I started to walk toward the stage.

I was halfway towards the stage when Shahnaz suddenly turned into a NFL linebackerthingy and threw herself at my legs trying to tackle me to the floor….. and I walked the last few meters toward the stage with Shahnaz hanging on my leg.

I tried to shake her off by moving my leg backwards and forwards (which to those seated at the back of the theatre must have looked like she was humping my leg) but I couldn’t shake her off and all the time I am whispering “It’s a joke, it’s a joke, get off me you mad old bat.”

See you all tomorrow with some brilliant Carnival Magic news.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

Not only am I sad that the Blockbuster has gone but I also miss the days when I could rent films on good old fashioned videotape. OK, I will admit that becoming a Blockbuster member was a long sodding process. You had to show the 16-year-old boy in the shop your driving license and your birth certificate and then you had to drive to the shop and back again as soon as Bruce Willis had said “yippe-ki-yay, motherf****r”

However, renting a video is much, much quicker than the alternative we have today …… the DVD. At least, with a videotape you could press the FF button and miss through all bollocks at the beginning……..and then back up a bit, because you’d gone too far …………  to the actual start of the film.  Try this with a DVD, you get a little message on the screen telling you that the operation you have requested is not possible.

Yep, these days before the actual movie starts you have to sit through hours of warnings about what might happen in the film, and how the views expressed therein may not be in accordance with those of the distributor. And then you are told who the producers are. Usually, there are many, because these days every single film seems to be produced by 27 companies and executive produced by the star’s wife, who gets a credit too, along with all the people she approached for money. Couple all this to the time your machine takes to decide whether the disc is in the correct format and was bought in the right region, and the time taken from you turning the player on to the start of the film is about 10 hours. There are some films that are made in less time than it takes them to start. And of course do not ever show the DVD to more than a few people at a time or try to copy it because if you do a FBI SWAT team will fly in from a helicopter, throw a stun grenade into your living room and, once detained, send you to prison for 300 years.

Now I am sure there will be those bloggers who will tell me about the joys of downloading but this is pointless. Asking me to work out how to download something is like asking a drunken squid to unhook a bra.

In the old days I used to go to the audio visual manager onboard and ask him for a copy of the pay per view movies that you get in the cabins and for a case of Heineken Radu would oblige. However, this also has come to an end because the movies we show in the cabins and on the big screens on Lido are all digital…………………whatever that means.

It looks therefore like I will never be able to watch a movie ever again then and if I do it will take as long as it took to buy something on Amazon for my mother on the internet recently. My Mum is a huge fan of a musician called Andre Rieu a violin player who puts on extravagant musical events. Anyway, she saw his new show was on DVD so she asked me to help her buy it “online.”  She only asked me for help because my 7 year old nephew was at school and the dog was asleep. Anyway, first, we had to find her glasses, then we had to find her credit card and then we had to look up her postcode (zip code) and then she needed to pee and then her sister called on the phone and then two days later and a million stupid questions later, all dreamt up by someone with a beard we were told that the DVD was out of stock.

It’s things like this that drive me crazy in the same way that if someone on the ship gets in an elevator before those inside have a chance to get out. Oh this really makes my blood boil and my hemorrhoids flare up and I start to imagine what these rude guests would look like with my foot up their arse.

Sometimes it takes a lot of patience not to poke a guest in the eye for saying something stupid and I think that Gerry Cahill should allow us to have this option. For example …… if you are the first, second, third or fourth person that on elegant night asks the captain “If you’re here who is driving the ship?” then you are safe and will receive a polite reply and smile. But if you are the fifth person to ask that question then the captain should be allowed to twist your nipple……………………..really really hard.

Time for today’s Q and A……………here we go.

CruzinMan Asked:
John please reply,

Reading post on your blog while I noticed a poster called Big Ed as well as host Mach making uncalled for comments that your readers shouldn’t have to read. I know it’s your blog thingy but there are families that depend on your blog for cruise information. Is there really a need to read the foul mouthing from Cruise Critic ego club “Big Ed or host Mach.” If they want to have a childish feud with this L Cat person let them do off your blog please. My grand kids read here as well as my family. Please John, don’t let this blog turn into another misfit board for Cruise Critic rants.

Best wishes to you and family this coming  Turkey Day.
John Williams

John Says:
Hello CruzinMan

I think you are referring to comments made in reply top some very cruel postings from someone called Lemurcat.  I must also say that both Big Ed and Host Mach are huge supporters of the blog. I also know them personally and that they will be most concerned that anything they may have written would have upset you or your family. I also wish to apologise if this is the case and I know that occasionally opinions vary here and that can cause some heated exchanges. So please accept my apologies and I truly hope that you and your grandchildren continue to enjoy the blog thingy.

Best wishes to you all
John

Brian Asked:
PLEASE REPLY

John,

I wanted to exhaust all means through Guest Care before asking you to try and do something about an issue I had while sailing on the Carnival Fascination. The explanation is a bit long winded, so please bear with me.

We recently (October 4th) sailed on the Carnival Fascination, and had an excellent time, to include the Chef’s Table (delicious!) and the Behind the Fun tour. Half Moon Cay was a bit of a letdown, we are not beach going folks and our cabana lacked power, apparently they are building a new bar or something. However, we were booked in an Extended Suite, which was amazing, the balcony was enormous. However, apparently, there is an Air Conditioning intake located between cabins U101 and U97 up inside the grate above the original balcony. I wish it was not an issue, however the noise generated by this intake was deafening, so bad in fact, my wife and I could not a) sit on our balcony and enjoy casual conversation without having to yell at each other and b) got headaches from the noise while attempting to use the balcony.

I did bring this to the attention of the Guest Services desk, and a Guest Services Officer did come to the cabin to observe the noise (my wife even got a video of me talking to her on the balcony, yes, she was blond and gorgeous). However, as I figured and as she stated, the intakes are a design (flaw) of the ship and there was nothing she or anyone else on the ship could do about it, but would double check with the ships’ engineers just in case. So I left it at that, but did state that we were unhappy with the noise and would like to complain about it as we could not enjoy our very large balcony, which we did indeed pay dearly for. We heard nothing else about it the rest of the cruise, and were either too busy or too tired from all of the activities to follow up at the Guest Services desk about it.

Once we returned home, I mentioned it in the survey I received via email and requested to be contacted about it. I gave it a week or 2 and then I contacted the Guest Care department to inquiry about it as well as to make the recommendation that perhaps Carnival should warn of excessive noise areas in and around certain cabins (such as U101 and U97 on the Fascination, not sure if this flaw extends to the entire Fantasy Class or not). I was given a case number, my info was taken, to include my email, which was repeated back to me, and was told they would be back in contact with me after speaking with the ship.

Fast forward a month or so, I had not heard anything back from the Guest Care department, so I decided to give them a ring. Turns out, they sent me a reply early in November, only it went to the wrong email (apparently a digit was left off the email address). So, the email was resent to me. Upon reading it, it stated that I had not brought the problems to the attention of the crew onboard (which I had) and it did indeed apologize several times about any issues that I “might” have had. It still did not mention any form of solution.

So I rang Guest Care again, and reiterated that I had indeed brought it to the attention of the Guest Services desk while on the ship, even had an officer accompany me to my cabin to observe the noise, and even had a video to prove it if need be. The reply I got and I quote “Well what do you want sir, do you expect compensation?”

Needless to say, I was speechless. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I calmly explained to the representative that no, I did not expect compensation, as I had stated in my original phone call, that I would rather Carnival develop a way of marking or warning guests when booking cabins if there is a potential noise hazard near the cabin they are about to book. I also stated that if she felt I deserved compensation, I certainly would not decline it, however I did not expect it- as I did indeed enjoy my cruise (for the most part), but certainly would not have booked that cabin had I known of the noise, and most certainly will not book any GS or ES on the Fantasy class ships in the future until I can confirm if the issue affects the whole class or not.

To this she stated, another quote here, “Sir I thank you for calling Carnival and wish you a good rest of the evening.” *click*

Now, I am not one to let one bad experience ruin my view of CCL or stop me from cruising on Carnival ships, but I thought maybe you would like to be aware of the situation. I do realize that the Guest Care reps are probably a little stressed here lately with the Splendor issues and all, but that did seem a little extreme.
I also wanted to ask you if 1) the a/c intakes are an issue on all of the Fantasy class ships, 2) if the issue is only limited to the Extended Suites or is deemed an issue to all of the suites on the Upper deck, and 3) if there is a way to, in the future, possibly warn guests when they are about to book a cabin that there is a noise hazard located in/near their cabin/balcony to include a/c intakes, being above/below common areas such as a night club or open deck, etc.

Also, I want to let you know that the Fascination is a wonderful ship and she has an AMAZING crew, to include Dezzi (very wonderful personality) and our head waiter VeJay. They even made our 14 year old son at home in the MDR when he went solo to dinner while my wife and I were at the Chef’s Table. Here it is, almost 2 months after the cruise and our son STILL remembers VeJay (I had to ask him his name as I forgot it!)!

Thanks John, both for listening, err reading, and for any help and/or insight into the Fantasy class that you can provide!

-Brian

John Says:
Hello Brian

I am very grateful to you for bringing this to my attention. I’m really not in a position to comment but send my sincere apologies and have sent this to a vice president for her attention. You will therefore be contacted shortly. I was very glad to read how much you enjoyed your cruise despite the cabin situation and I hope that you will consider coming back to Carnival soon. Please let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes
John

Derek W Asked:
For a reply and table reservation for cabin 8342

Me and my partner are going on the Dream on the 29th of January. We want a table for 2 that is quiet. Does Carnival have friends of Dorothy meetings like Royal Caribbean and if not we will need these arranged as well. You can contact me by e mail.

Derek

John Says:
Hello Derek

I have asked the maitre d to do his best to help with your table request. We do indeed have Friends of Dorothy meetings daily and the time and locations of these events will be listed in your daily program which is called the Fun Times.

Have a great cruise

Best wishes
John

Jim Asked:
Hi John – PLEASE REPLY

I’ve heard that Ron Pass will be the Piano Man on the Inaugural launch of “Carnival Magic” when she sails in late April. Any chance that we can get him back for the TA Crossing in late October??? That will be cruise number 29 for me (unless I get another in between February and October) and all with Carnival. I sailed on the Freedom TA with Ron and what an amazing time that was. He is the best that I have seen!! Thanks for your time!!

John Says:
Hello Jim

Yes indeed the one and only Ron Pass will be entertaining guests on their Carnival Magic. I am not sure how long he will stay but I hope it’s the whole time we are in Europe and then for the trans-Atlantic and I will certainly ask him to stay for the 16-day voyage to Texas. I hope we meet personally on the crossing.

Best wishes
John

Kristin Asked:
Dear John,
(PLEASE REPLY)

Thank you so much for allowing us readers to cruise vicariously with you each day!

My husband and I share the same birthday (Oct 28), so when the time came to select our wedding date, we chose that same day to celebrate. We try to take a trip each year during our birthday/anniversary week and this year, along with another couple, we chose a cruise.

We sailed the Victory 10/24 – 10/31 and had the pleasure of singing along with today’s highlighted piano bar host – Justin! He is loads of fun! We stopped by the Irish Seas Piano Bar almost every night for some great camaraderie and hilarity! Justin really got the crowd going…especially a group of young ladies from Boston…I think they may have started a fan club I hope he continues with Carnival – we’d love to see him again! (BTW – Thanks a lot for putting Sweet Caroline back in my brain…I had just about worked it out of there:)

One more comment before I go…Our cruise on the Victory was my first Carnival cruise…I only had two previous cruises under my belt – both on the Disney Magic – and I must confess that I was a bit of a snob! When the decision was made to take this cruise with Carnival I was very hesitant – I had the opinion that it would be a huge let-down having experienced the amazing service and attention to detail of Disney! Wow – was I ever wrong! I was absolutely blown away with our Carnival experience! The ship, the service and the ports-of-call were all top notch! Several folks made our voyage the wonderful experience that it was – Karl with a K (CD), Adrian (our room steward), Justin (piano bar), Glen (guest services)! Kudos to all!

Thank you again for all you do!
Kristin (a Carnival Convert)

John Says:
Hello Kristin

If you could see me now you would see that I have a huge smile on my face. Actually it’s a good thing you can’t see me now because I am sitting here in my underpants. Anyway, I loved your post and how you were expecting an average time or worse on your first Carnival cruise but were shocked and wonderfully surprised to find it a brilliantly fun experience. I have not sailed with Justin but it seems like his reputation is well deserved. I will also make sure all the people you mentioned get to see your words of praise.

I am so glad that you are a Carnival convert and I hope that we see you again soon ………. maybe on October 28 2011.

Best wishes to you both
John

Susan Alaimo Asked:
John, Please Reply.

First, I want to commend you and the crew for doing a wonderful job handling the Splendor incident. I didn’t hear a negative comment about it in the press. Also, I really, really, really enjoyed your account of it on your blog. Hope that you are enjoying your well deserved rest with your family. I wrote you a couple months ago for the first time. You probably don’t remember, but I told you about my first cruise being on the Carnival Mardi Gras (1983). Also, that I had gotten a group of friends together to do the TA on the Magic (and that you being CD was the deciding factor on choosing that cruise).

I had mentioned to you that I was surprising my hubby, Matt, with a cruise for his 60th birthday present on the Princess Emerald (due to your great review).

Anyway, last month was his birthday and I told him about it (I was bursting. I couldn’t keep the surprise to myself any longer.). He was quite pleased with my gift. We are excited about this cruise but still a little apprehensive about leaving Carnival. We’ve been Platinum since Carnival originated the program, and we’ll miss our perks. But we’ll survive. You had asked that I drop you a note & let you know when our cruise was…It is on the Princess Emerald on Jan. 17th. (Cabin E517).

Although my husband doesn’t read your blog a lot (he’s not that into the computer), he gets a daily blow by blow briefing from me. It would be really sweet (& funny) if you would send him a birthday greeting. He is already suspicious of why you are my Facebook friend. We are look forward to returning to Carnival for Magic’s TA in October and meeting you. Finally, please don’t change, we like you just the way you are.

Thank you for being you.
Sue

John Says:
Hello Sue

I do indeed remember your post and I am so excited for you to experience the wonderful Princess product. Please tell your husband he will have a great time and I am going to ask a friend of mine at Princess to send you a little welcome aboard gift from me. Have a brilliant time and I will see you on your Carnival Magic. Best wishes to you both

John

John T Bird Asked:
PLEASE REPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re smoking. By 2020 smoking will be banned everywhere. Cars, public spaces, parks, golf courses anywhere and everywhere people gather. If people want to smoke they will only be allowed to do so in their own homes. Smoking is a disease and disease must be eradicated. Carnival had better get ready to change or go bust. I won’t cruise until smoking and is banned on your boats

John Says:
Hello John T Bird

Thanks so much for your insight into the future and sadly you may be right. As for now Carnival continues to do its best to accommodate smokers and non-smokers alike. Let’s see what the future holds and maybe there will also be a ban on eating red meat, drinking alcohol and looking at DVDs of Latvian women doing naughty things on a pool table.

Best wishes
John

Stacy Asked:
Please Reply

So I am one of those people you referred to in an earlier entry that started reading your blog due to the recent Splendor “happenings” and ended up loving it! I am here for good now and I have a quick question:

I have been patiently awaiting next year’s CD schedule to see if you will be on our July 3, 2011 Mediterranean cruise on the Carnival Magic? This will be me and my fiancé’s honeymoon and that would seal the deal on making this the best honeymoon ever!

Also, being it is our honeymoon, is there anything special we can do onboard to celebrate? I would love to surprise my soon-to-be hubby with something special.

Thanks for being you,
Stacy

John Says:
Hello Stacy

Welcome to the blog and I am glad that you have joined this great community of wonderful people…………mostly. I will indeed be onboard and hope that you will take the time to leave me a not at the guest services desk when you board the ship so that I can send you a honeymoon gift. Please let me know if you need anything else and I will see you and your new husband soon.

Best wishes
John

Jetsfanfrank Asked:
Can you confirm that the NFL Playoff games will all be shown on the Valor? Immediate reply needed.

John Says:
Hello Jetsfanfrank

I checked with the CD Goose and yes the games will be shown subject to transmission. They will either be on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen or in the sports bar as well as on the stateroom TV’s. I apologise that the reply was not “immediate” as I am behind in my answering questions.

Have a brilliant cruise

Best wishes
John

Riley Asked:
Dear John – Please reply (when you have a chance)

First of all, I absolutely LOVE your blog thingy and have been reading since the inaugural voyage of the Freedom in 2007. We had a conversation about blogging and you told me about yours and it is GREAT. Although I haven’t cruised with you since, I hope to again one day. Just one question: I know the whole Dream class ships is/was called the Pinnacle Project. I’ve seen online computer generated pictures of a Carnival Pinnacle. Is this an actual ship that will sail in the future? It looks like it would be AMAZING and an extremely fun ship (no pun intended). Thank you for all you do John, and keep up the good work!

-Riley

John Says:
Hello Riley

Thanks for those kind words and I also hope to sail with you again one day soon. The Pinnacle project was Carnival’s plan to build a huge ship which at the time would have been by far the biggest ship in the world. For a variety of reasons the project was scrapped and it was then decided to build Dream class ships rather than Pinnacle class, something which as a CD I am quite happy about. So Pinnacle plans are now in the same drawer as the plans to use Mel Gibson as our spokesperson and the plans to include naked trampolining as an onboard activity. Best wishes and I truly hope to sail with you again soon

John

That’s all for today…………………well………………..mostly.

During the last few days it seems I have been sent thousands of comments (OK, 7 comments) all of which are exactly like this one.

Mary Kreg Asked:
Please reply

I read on Cruise Critic all about the changes that Carnival is making that will mean that I will cruise with another company from now on. I can’t see how Carnival will survive now that your room will only be serviced once a day and like some shopping mall you will be expected to clean your own tables on lido after a meal or snack. The lobster gone unless you want to pay for it. Here is what other members are saying about this.

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1332840&highlight=turndown+service

Mary

John Says:
Hello Mary

Well I had seven different comments about this and all but one had the same link from Cruise Critic attached. So let me start by apologizing to the 6 people whose comments I won’t be posting as they are all basically the same.

Well Mary, you are correct, there are indeed some drastic changes coming immediately if not sooner — the stateroom stewards will not be providing a turndown service anymore because we will be using them as dancers and Ketut and his mates will swap their housekeeping uniforms for feathers and G-strings. Yep, the lobster has gone, too – in fact all seafood items have been taken off the menu although we will allow guests the $20 package which includes a rod, reel and bait and a reserved spot on Lido from which to fish from. We will however charge an additional $5 per fish to cook it for you.

Sorry Mary………that was cruel but you can I hope understand that sometimes you have to just laugh at these ridiculous rumors that are started by people with bugger all life and that have the brain capacity of an amoeba.

Please don’t worry and I hope you will continue to enjoy the fantastic service, fun and affordability that a Carnival cruise has and always will provide.

Switching subjects, I wanted to talk about bed bugs. You see my friend Host Mach from Cruise Critic sent me a message a few days ago that there was a thread thingy on the boards about an infestation of the little buggers on the Carnival Ecstasy.

Well, here is the official word on this from our VP in charge of housekeeping:

We checked logs on the Carnival Ecstasy for the past six months and we have had no confirmed case of bedbugs on this ship.  Often, guests who have been bitten by sand flies, mosquitoes, or jelly fish larvae attribute the skin irritation to bed bug bites.  Carnival has extensive procedures and protocols for the detection and treatment of bedbugs. This includes an active surveillance system in place, as well as a thorough inspection and preventive program for its 27,000 staterooms that while not perfect, assists in the early detection of bed bugs.  Bed bugs love to travel and arrive at the ships in hand bags, folds of clothes, luggage, planes, trains and cars.

I stayed in a hotel in New York a few weeks ago, a very posh hotel I might add and one of the 244 Stephanies who stayed in the same hotel came away with bite marks on her legs. I remember my Mum always saying the same thing to me and my sister Suedrip as we went to bed. Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite these days that saying is a vital warning when parents put children to bed clothed in long-sleeved pajamas, trousers and socks to protect them from the silent little bastards that share their bed.

I have a friend who lives in New York and she was telling me about how they hire a special dog to come to their apartment. “Did the dog scratch?” are words every New Yorker dreads hearing because this is a sign that you have bed bugs. She told me that she how enormous, itchy welts had covered her entire body, and at first she’d thought she’d been bitten by a mosquito.

How do they travel? Well it seems that like all forms of transportation. You can be the unlucky person who sits in the airline seat after someone who has bedbugs. They get into luggage as well as on clothing.

Like being mugged, winning the lottery or living next door to a serial killer, you never think it will happen to you. Especially if you’re like we are onboard obsessive about germs and dirt.

So while there are no outbreaks and no reported infestations, the cruise industry, like the hotel industry are fighting back hard to make sure we send these little buggers back to where they came from……………….Paris probably.

Time for a break and let’s continue to meet more of the great Assistant Cruise Directors we have at Carnival. Today we visit the Carnival Liberty and one of my very good friends and a brilliant ACD. Here is Kevin Darby.

My current ship is the Carnival Liberty until June 11 2011. Not yet sure on my  next ship.

My Journey as ACD begins on the Splendor where I was a tier 2 host. I was lucky enough to join the Splendor on its first 12 day itinerary in Europe. While on the Splendor each member of the host team was given a task and was in charge of that task for a period of time before rotating to another i.e. port Manning, host schedule, and accommodations. This widened my knowledge of the ACD job role and when leaving the Splendor I was more confident as a host. After leaving  the Splendor I went to the Legend where I passed my tier 1 assessment and started to work and focus on the role as ACD. Working very closely with the  cruise director and assistant I was able to further my understanding and knowledge of the CD role and therefore when the opportunity arose to cover as ACD I jumped at the chance and have never looked back. I have now been assistant for almost 2 years and love every minute of my job.

If a guest sails with me I would say that they should not miss The Liars club or  Game show mania.

The best thing about being ACD is being the go to guy to get things done. This is what I love most, the fact that people from all departments ring you because they know that you will know the answer or get back to them with the right answer immediately

Thanks mate and congratulations on your continuing success, I see great things in your future…..especially if you add the word Carnival in front of the ship’s name you lazy sod.

Look out for Kevin everyone…………he will be in the big chair one day soon.

Thank you for all the kind words and I am getting better. I went back to the doctor today and he has given me one more weeks of anti-bollocks and also gave me the flu jab ……… ”It’s only a little prick,” he said……………….”It’s cold outside,” I replied.

I know I usually end the blog with a poor attempt at humour but not today. You see the news here is dominated by the shooting in Arizona and it is interesting to see what my fellow Brit’s think about it. Obviously they are all shocked and heartbroken for those who lost their lives. It has though once again had the British news commentators talking about guns and why America continues to allow them on the street. This is not something I think they understand fully because you have to have lived in or with Americans as I have to understand that the right to bear arms is a considered constitutional right.

I was having this discussion with my father this morning. “Why not get rid of all the guns?” was his plain and simple thinking. My argument was that If there were more guns about maybe someone could have drawn down on this bastardly coward and reduced the carnage. How is it these bastards never attack army bases or shooting ranges, maybe someone will shoot back? It is always the defenseless, who suffer from these loners, and once again all the signals were being sent out from him and once again he did exactly what it said on the label. Two retirees fought, brought down, then pinned down an armed man and that is truly remarkable.

Look, I don’t want to start any political argument here on this blog thingy but I do know that it is read by thousands of people representing the broadest selection of people. So, selfishly I would like to ask your opinion on this subject. What, if anything, can be done to insure incidents like this do not happen? I would really appreciate your thoughts ……… and so would my Dad.

Well tomorrow I will have some news for you about a Carnival ship and a new destinat ……….. sssh……….join me tomorrow for that and much more.

Oh, one more thing. I thought I would show you the comedy clip that was voted the funniest on British TV over the last 20 years. It will be interesting to see what my North American friends think of this.

It comes from a show called Only Fools and Horses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63rcdLeXiU8

Goodnight

Your friend
John