The lunch hour is dead here at Carnival Cruise Lines. Yep, I have been here a few days now and I can honestly say that no bugger takes an hour away and heads out for a nice lunch. In fact, I would say, from what I have seen, the average lunch break is just 30 minutes. Forget shopping and a visit to the local sushi restaurant. Everyone here is eating at their desks, continuing with work or surfing Amazon and maybe this blog……all Latvian web sites have been blocked …….. I wonder why? (more…)

 One day, there won’t be any cruise ships. Obviously not in our generation or even maybe the next or indeed the one after that, but one day man will move from A to B using personal jetpacks and vacation on the planet Uranus and hardly anyone will care about cruise ships. Seriously, think about it because mankind will have come up with something better. It’s happened before, after all. Every day, I sit here in my underpants thinking up new things to write to the thousands of you waiting to click on my latest bunch of bollocks about my life as a cruise director and cruising in general. And maybe this blog is being stored on a vast computer somewhere and maybe this will be the only way future generations will know what cruising was all about. (more…)


June 26, 2013 -

John Heald -


I haven’t had much chance to write about my recent trip to Galveston to see the new and shiny Carnival Triumph. The flight from London seemed to go on forever and the 10 hours felt like so much more. And when we landed in Houston, I was tired, cramped and seriously grumpy. Anyway, I had listened to the flight attendant warn us that we must not use our cell phones until we were off the plane and off I ran with the other 300 passengers toward United States Customs and Border Protection. I reached the hall where this was taking place and swore immediately under my breath as the lines were exactly as they were in Miami…….long…… “Oh FFS,” I said. So I took my place wondering if I smelled as badly as the chap in front of me and started the long shuffle toward the inspectors. (more…)

A Tale of Two Ladies

April 10, 2013 -

John Heald -


Being single certainly has some superb benefits. You always get control of the remote control, you can eat what you want and not worry about what anyone else wants and if you’re male, you can leave the toilet seat in a permanently down position. But I have always marveled at the single cruiser, sitting alone on the Promenade deck, surrounded by couples. There are single cruise groups as well and they are an excellent way of meeting people. But for some guests, being part of a “single but looking for love” group cruise is not what they want. Yep, cruising single is not always easy. All of this came to mind yesterday when I was walking along the Deck 2 Promenade here on Carnival Legend and I saw a middle-aged lady sitting on her own by the Atlantis Bar. It was 9:30am or so, the ship was in Nassau and many guests were ashore. She wasn’t reading or doing anything really, she was just…….well……..sitting. I gave her a cheery good morning and she gave me what can only be a half-hearted smile in return. Now, I was actually in a bit of a rush as I was heading to meet with another guest who I will speak more of later in the blog. (more…)

I had already started writing today’s blog a few hours ago as the ship sat overnight here in Venice. While I was asleep, I dreamt of running the 200 meters final representing the UK. I had been neck and neck with Usain Bolt and we crossed the line together but the judges gave Usain the gold medal because his gentleman’s sausage had crossed the line before mine. Anyway, I waddled over to the computer to find a message telling me that during the night, some “new software ” had been installed and the computer had “restarted.” My half written blog had gone. (more…)

There is a book called “Women Are from Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that and, judging from what’s happened here on the Carnival Breeze in the last four days, the author of this book was sodding well right. Within hours of the ship sailing from Barcelona on Thursday, a guest from Canada had contacted the guest services desk and had requested immediate debarkation as he and his partner had decided they hated each other. Now, obviously, he had to wait until the following day when we were in Marseilles before he got off the ship as we were at sea. Luckily, we had one open cabin for the night as some guests had missed the ship in Barcelona and would rejoin us in Marseilles and so, after four years of being together, he buggered off back to Toronto leaving his partner on her own to cruise without him for 11 days. What a true shame. (more…)


July 27, 2012 -

John Heald -


Before I was a cruise director or a bar waiter even and before I worked in the city of London as a…well, actually, I have no sodding clue what I did, I worked for a local newspaper in my home town of Southend selling advertising space. It has been nearly 30 years since I did that for a holiday job while I was at college and I hated it and what I hated most of all was cold calling. Calling local companies and seeing if they wanted to advertise their business in our newspaper was a dark and lonely job that usually left me with the ringtone resounding in my ear hole. For these reasons, I always try to be nice to cold callers when they contact me.

So during the show last night, I took some people from the audience for some pre-show fun before the Divas revue. It included a young couple who, when I asked for their names and where they were from, they replied they were from Denver, Colorado. I then shocked myself by instead of saying, “Are you having fun?” or “What’s your favourite port so far?” or “Bugger me your wife is gorgeous, are they real?” I went straight into the, “I am so sorry, how dreadful, it’s awful, I hope they cut his bollocks off and shove 50,000 volts through his arse.”


July 19, 2012 -

John Heald -


Last week, someone posted a photo on my Facebook page. It showed a Carnival ship in space, taking a cruise around the moon. It was a great photo and I have been thinking about this the past few days and have been asking myself if indeed this is the future of cruising?



July 13, 2012 -

John Heald -


This week, there have been many great articles from the brilliant Gene Sloan, the esteemed writer from USA Today, and other writers who wrote about the Carnival Splendor and her being the…well hold on, rather than me waffle and badly paraphrase his brilliance, let’s all have a look at the following post from our friend Vance.

Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved