Anyway, there wasn’t a computer on my desk. There was an old rotary telephone and my files ……that was it. The one good thing, though, was that we had a laugh. We would play tricks on each other that usually involved superglue or condoms that were placed in people’s sandwiches. There was no political correctness, the job got done and we had a laugh doing it. Then I moved to the city of London and it was the same there, hard work but fun. We had a bloke with red hair. We called him Duracell. We had a lady colleague who in fact was a brilliant broker and was already moving up the ranks. Her last name was Collins and this being the eighties meant that Dynasty was on TV so of course we called her Joan. I mean everyone called each other nick names, it was the one thing.

Even the bosses called us by our nick names. If I had been the size I am now I would have been called Fattie or Billy Bunter (a Brit cartoon character) but as I was skinny and had a bent tooth they called me B.O…….which was short for Bottle Opener………..yep, I spent two years working for Lloyds of London with everyone calling me B.O. Work in an office today and everyone is called by their Christian names, even if they are enormous or a ginger. Nicknames were everywhere. My best mate Alan had a girlfriend called Crater Face. This is because she had a face like the surface of the moon and looked like a withered old gargoyle. I called her that, Alan called her that and eventually her friends called her Crater Face as well. It was life and there were no tofu eating high visibility jacket wearing people to say it wasn’t.

Now move forward to 2011 and working in an office it seems is very different. When Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant wrote The Office TV series, which I know you all have in America as well, it showed life in an office but really from what I have seen its nothing like that. Take for example the conversation I heard when I was in CCL’s offices last week. It centered around the two most annoying things that happen in one particular CCL department.

Now it would have been great to hear that Jennifer in accounts has terrible gas and one day she was sitting in her cubicle and her desk chair had wheels on it and she farted so loudly it propelled her into the next cubicle crushing her colleague Dee’s foot. Or that one of the senior beards goes to the toilet but doesn’t shake his gentlemen’s sausage properly and so takes meetings with a wet patch on his pants. Those would have been worthy of a conversation. But the one I heard wasn’t quite like that. The things this group of Carnival shoreside people complained about the most were “talking too loudly on the phone” and “never making coffee.” It got a little better when someone said that one of the ladies would eat smelly food at her desk but that’s it. No tricks, no jokes, no outrageous nick names just coffee, food and talking loudly…….that’s it.

Come on Carnival shoreside employees you can do better than that! To the lady who eats smelly food at her desk, if you are reading this keep doing it but eat that smelly food with your mouth open, making slapping noises and finish with a huge belch. Then put the stinking food container in someone else’s garbage bin.

Carnival has Dress Down Friday and if I was the vice president of human resources I would also make Friday Carnival Office Annoy The Bugger In The Cubicle/Office next to you day.

• Read e-mails out loud in a silly French accent
• Pick your nose and wipe a huge booger on someone’s computer screen
• Buy a whoopee cushion and put it on the senior vice president’s chair
• Come to work in a Royal Caribbean T-shirt
• Take one wheel off their office chair
• Forward unfunny e-mail “jokes” to the entire office
• Stand behind people, reading over their shoulders
• Take your shoes off, put your feet on the desk and file the dry skin of your feet. It works even better if you do this at someone else’s desk
• Make all your calls on speaker phone so the whole office is disturbed
• Take someone’s yogurt from the refrigerator and eat it and put the empty container back in the refrigerator with a post it note attached that says “mmmmmmm”
• If someone steps away from their desk and has left their computer on send an email from their account to the boss saying “Meet me after work in the store cupboard, I want to show you my spreadsheet.”
• Pick a word, one word that must be included in every sentence you say to each other like “bollocks.” As in “Gaynor, I need the summary of accounts for September from the Carnival Magic please bollocks.” Or you can include even more than one word like “Do you want fries with that?” Even Gerry Cahill should get involved because if the rest of the 3,000 shore side folks are doing it so should he. That would be brilliant. Gerry calls Micky Arison. “Hello Micky, I got the message asking for me to present the budget proposals for 2013. I have it all here and ready to show you and ummmm…………..do you want fries with that?”

So come on Carnival office types, let’s make Fridays Fun Fridays. If you’re not reviled by all and sacked by 5 pm………… you will have failed.

Time for today’s Q and A………..here we go.

Steve O Asked:
Dear John (please respond when you have time)

Just wanted to drop you a note with a review of my August 11 Carnival Triumph trip. Yes it was my third this summer BUT it is only a 3.5-hour drive and I LOVE that ship and CREW.  As always VIP Check-In was super. I met Robert O. for a moment prior to heading up to laugh with Dolores. It was the first day of a new computer program and we had more “fun” than usual. Both Dolores and Robert are efficient and lots of fun to deal with. I was on the ship early, waved at guest services and Isabel waved back and said, “Welcome Mr. Owen”….so formal and so nice.

Up to Lido for some lunch (love those burgers). Ran into several members of the crew while chomping on my burger. Had a chat with Maitre d’ “Miss Virgil” (from South Africa) as she was on duty on Lido. She’s a super person John, very good with guests and crew from my observations.

Off to my little 4A cabin on Deck “Z”…..oops, it was only Deck 1 but all the way forward and just perfect for me.

Dinner at 8:15 pm in the London Dining Room with Maitre d’ “Mustafa” (from Turkey)….I told him I’d been in Turkey a long time ago and ask him to guess when…..he said “perhaps in the 1970’s?”………..I laughed and told him when I was in Istanbul it was still called Constantinople ….. well almost, it was on my very first cruise in 1966. Yikes!!

During the voyage I ran into several of the nicest dining room hostesses Carnival has …. Nicoleta (Romania); Natasha (Serbia); Dewi (Indonesia) and Svetlana (Russia).  It was kind of embarrassing when I first ran into each of them………they hugged me and welcomed me back to Carnival.  That is impressive John.  It makes me wonder what I do that causes them to remember me.  Perhaps I sail too often?

Lots of laughs at Tex’s Welcome Show….as I’ve said before, that guy knows how to make people laugh and have fun (with perhaps a “tiny” bit of stealing from you?).  Also saw ACD Charlie…..I start laughing when I see him…..…..he’s got that “British” sense of humour (spelt correctly according to you) and you know I love it.

When I got to my cabin that evening my door had been decorated by the entertainment staff…..a big banner that said, “Welcome Home Steve.” photos of them and their names on heart shaped colored paper…..it took some time to do that.  Is that sweet or what?  They liked it when I told them I had tears in my eyes as I stood there and looked at it.  I carefully removed all of it and brought it home with me.

Even on the little four-night trip I did The Chef’s Table again…..beautifully done by Chef Allan Gomes (India).  There was a family of eight there with four teenagers and, as usual, everything was perfect.  There were even a few plates broken while we were in the Galley (you know I love that).

A highlight of the trip was sitting with ACD Charlie during the performance of Wonderful World. I had teased him about a part of the show a couple of months before and had sent him a special gift to remind him. John, in the middle of the show he leaned over and said, “Do you see your pink parasols on the stage?” Between he and Tex they had worked my “gifts” into the Asian number.  I was floored. It made me tear up.  WOW.

Met another of your fans, Trudy Crowe and her friend Miss Anna.  We had lunch one day, they are really sweet (and lots of laughs).  My tablemates at dinner were just great too….and I hadn’t even requested anything from you (I’m sure THAT was a surprise).

This is too long, as usual, but I want to mention Maitre d’ Victor (Portugal), he is a great guy and so accommodating…..he has had a LONG career at sea and obviously still enjoys it very much.

I guess that’s about it. Debark was smooth, ship was late due to river traffic…..and I was the first guest off the ship….and I wasn’t even trying to be.  All in all, another TERRIFIC voyage on the beautiful Carnival Triumph…..and yes, I am going one more time before I head to Barcelona for the TA.

See you in Galveston on November 13.  I wonder if “transvestite Barney” will be there?  Oh, that’s right, Kye has him in Essex doesn’t she?

Your OLD mate,
Steve O

John Says:
Hello Steve O

That was the most brilliant of ways to start the Q&A session today and I am thrilled to read your report. I know how passionate you are about your cruises and how wonderfully you treat the crew which I thank you so very much for. I will be passing all this onto the staff and the people in the Miami office as well because this is the kind of review that they love to read. Thanks Steve O and I hope it’s not too long before we see each other again. I loved what Tex did for you ……. fantastic.

Best wishes.
John

Maggie Leake Asked:
I want to inform you Mr Heald of an encounter with your customer service team. I called the 1-800-CARNIVAL number because I was thinking of booking a cruise on the Carnival Splendor over Christmas. I asked three basic questions. Is the ship decorated and will Christmas be celebrated for all passengers as I am not a Christian. Then I asked what cabin temperature was as I have allergies and need a certain controlled temperature and then I if soy milk was available at all meals and she told me no. I later found out it is from another forum. It seems that the customer service people you employee have no idea about your product. I have now found your help page Mr Heald and need you to answer the questions quickly and correctly if Carnival does indeed want my business.

John Says:
Hello Maggie Leake

Let’s start by answering your questions and I see you posted this three weeks ago so please accept my apologies for the lateness of the reply. While the ship does indeed celebrate Christmas, we also offer a menorah lighting service for those of the Jewish faith as well. The standard temperature in the cabin is set at 70 degrees but with the individual controls in the staterooms you can bring that down or up as you require. Soy milk is available at all meals and if you can’t find it on Lido deck just ask a waiter and they will bring it to you. I hope this helps and I hope you are able to book and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.
John

John Says:
Chandra

Hello John I would like to know if the Carnival Magic will have a cigar under the stars party during the November 14 cruise which me and my wife will be on with you. I am like you a big cigar smoker.

Thanks John

John Says:
Hello Chandra

There certainly will be a cigars under the stars event and it will be outside on The Lanai. Please keep an eye open for this in the Fun Times and I will look forward to sharing a cigar with you then.

Best wishes and see you soon.
John

Larry Ritchie Asked:
John:

My wife and I are booked on the Carnival Paradise’s Panama Canal cruise Nov 28. I understand why Acapulco port was cancelled and appreciate Carnival keeping both of us safe. Now my question – do you know when Puerto Vallarta, Mexico excursions will be added to the cruise specific excursions under “manage my cruise” for this cruise?

Thank you in advance.

John Says:
Hello Larry Ritchie

I just spoke to the shore excursion department and they told me that some excursions are now on line for PV and the rest should be there by the end of next week. Please let me know if you have any questions and I wish you a wonderful voyage.

Best wishes.
John

Barry W Asked:
My family and I will be cruising on the Dream booking ______ and with me will be my son Jared who is going to be starting his training in the Marine Corps next year. Can you send him a free gift as he will not have the chance to cruise again as a family and will be away from us for the next eight months?

John Says:
Hello Barry W

Please congratulate your son and thank him for the service he is about to give. I will indeed send him something and I wish you all a wonderful cruise this Saturday. I just caught this in time so have fun.

Best wishes to all.
John

Victor Olgen Asked:
Although I do enjoy your blog I wonder if at least once a week you could cut away from the humor and concentrate only on answering questions as I am positive more readers would come your way if they were guaranteed that you would answer their questions. Just a thought.

John Says:
Hello Victor Olgen

Yes you are right, I should try harder with the questions but then I am also worried that there are many readers who enjoy the ship stories more than the Q&A bit in the middle. I answer around 40 a week here but probably 400 a week on Facebook as well so for now I will keep the blog as is. I was actually considering stopping them altogether here. Thanks for saying you enjoy the blog and I hope you will continue to do so.

Best wishes.
John

Margaret King Asked:
Hi, John,

We have a family boat in Barbados that we use for lunch and dinner cruises, and would like talk to cruise lines about adding it as a shore excursion. How do I go about doing that? Please point me in the right direction.

Regards,
Mag

John Says:
Hello Margaret King

Thanks for writing and I have sent this to our shore excursion folks here in Miami and asked them to contact you.

Best wishes
John

Patricia Asked:
We are going to be choosing Carnival for our James J. Ferris High School reunion and will cruise on the Miracle next year. There will be 32 of us and I need to MAKE SURE WE ARE ALL SEATED IN THE SAME SECTION OF THE MAIN DINING HALL. How do I make sure this done??????????? URGENT!!! URGENT!!

John Says:
Hello Patricia Hallstrom

Thanks for booking this wonderful reunion with us and you will all love the Carnival Miracle I am sure. I need to know if you all booked through a travel agent or a PVP or online. If you used an agent or a PVP please collect all the names and cabin numbers together and ask your TA or PVP or call Carnival if you booked on line and simply give them all the names and ask for them to be linked together at dining. They will then do their best to help you and if you write to me here a month before you sail or two weeks before on my Facebook page then I will check with the ship and make sure it’s been done. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Max B Asked:
John,

Does Carnival carry non-alcoholic wines and beer aboard? If so is it a big selection of wine or just one or two brands? BTW, love the blog and Facebook thingies. You make me smile every day! Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Max B

Thanks for the kind words and while we do carry them, it’s not a very wide selection. Thanks again for the nice words and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog thingy.

Best wishes.
John

Valerie A Dunlap Asked:
O.K., odds are that you won’t see this before tonight’s Legends performance, but thought I might “throw it out there”, just in case…  My husband, Keith Dunlap, is playing the “Bruce Springsteen” part tonight… Now, here’s the catch: we just received word yesterday that his father had passed.  Keith wants to do this, partially because he is a local musician, and partially because he knows that his father wanted him to enjoy this vacation, as they talked by phone at every available port moment.  I know that this is totally against the “guy code of ethics and proper conduct,” but he really is a great guy and does deserve an evening of support, love and diversion before we return to the realities of home.  Thank You!

John Says:
Hello Valerie Dunlap

I know this is a month overdue but I just saw this now and I wanted to pass on my sympathies to your husband and all the family. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to be on stage singing and having fun under such difficult circumstances. Thanks for writing; I hope you had a great cruise and once again my sympathies for your terrible loss.

Best wishes to all.
John

That’s all for today. Yesterday the blog passed 12 million views with between 14,000 and 20,000 daily views. Thanks so much everyone and I thank you for your continuing readership and your continuing friendship.

It was interesting reading the comment about the guest services team because I have received so many positive comments about them in recent months that to hear a negative one is somewhat surprising. As we are talking about the office a lot today I should also say this. It is very challenging for the ladies and gents who answer the phones for you to know absolutely everything about what we do onboard and how everything works. While their knowledge is excellent and their desire to help you is remarkable unless you have lived and worked on a ship for at least a few weeks it is impossible to know everything. The same is said for me. I get questions about Early Saver and price drops and I know as much about this as Paris Hilton knows about keeping her legs crossed. That’s why both shoreside and myself have started to work much closer together in an attempt to better serve our guests. We have a huge social media program, the best by many a mile in the cruise industry and indeed I would say the travel industry. Look at Carnival’s Facebook page with over 1 million likes…….that’s incredible. I have 19,000 on my Facebook page and as I said, many thousands of daily views here on the blog thingy. Plus we have Funville and all these online areas give you the guest a chance to ask questions. Plus there is the old fashioned way……yes I guess it is old fashioned these days………of picking up a phone and calling someone.

The brilliant team ashore led by Vice President Vicky Rey is determined to make sure we continue to have the best guest services team in the industry and as I said we are now helping each other. I ask them for help and if one of their team get a shipboard question they don’t know, then they ask me. I must highlight one lady called Mischelle who some of you may have spoken to on the World Wide Web thingy. She has been at Carnival for 20 something years and her knowledge is extraordinary. She is our online community manager and I have to publicly thank her for all her sterling work. So bottom line is that we will continue to work hard for you to get your questions answered as quickly as we can. Please let me know if you have any comments on this.

OK, here is Vance with the official press release on what’s happening on November 13 in Galveston.

Carnival Cruise Lines and Maroon 5 To Rock Texas for Carnival Magic’s U.S. Debut

So as you can see we released the news today about the event in Galveston and let me say straight away how brilliant it is that we are doing this. In days gone past the ship would have arrived at Galveston, a few thousand travel agents would have toured the ship and a few hundred would have stayed the night and seen a show and drank a few vats of wine. Now we are holding this concert with this brilliant band called Maroon 5.

OK, I admit that I know only a few of their songs but when I mentioned it to people — particularly women — they either fainted or started singing a song about Mick Jacking moving house or something. Anyway, hopefully I’ll have the honour of introducing them onto the stage and that means it might be time to get my tight leather pants out of the closet.

Now I know a lot of you want to watch the Carnival Magic sail into Galveston and of course you can and I will confirm the time a few days before. However it will be early, somewhere between 5 am and 6 am which means it will be dark. Why so early I hear you cry? Well there are lots of reasons including traffic in the channel and of course the fact that the ship has to disembark 3,800 guests and then go through various inspections, etc. Then in the afternoon we do have travel agents boarding the ship and a few lucky people who have done the trans-Atlantic and who are staying for that cruise on the 14th. So it’s a busy day.

Now you may have also seen the contest that we launched that will award two people an all expenses paid trip to see the incomparable Maroon 5 in concert. If you didn’t, here is the link to enter and here is the video:

So, exciting times and I really hope some of you can come and join me. And indeed some of you will be able to get tickets and here is Eric the Beard to tell you how and with information on how and where we can all meet.

Hello Bloggy People!

So before I get into how this whole ticket giveaway is going to work, let me share some very important information that you need to know before entering.

The only thing we are giving away here on the blog are tickets to the event. You will need to provide your own transportation to and from the event in Galveston, as well as hotel accommodations if you decide to stay overnight. If you do decide to stay in Galveston, I also recommend that you make reservations ASAP, as hotels are selling out very quickly.

Also, please enter only if you truly plan on attending the event. We have a very limited number of tickets and want to make sure that bloggers who really want to go can go.

Now that that’s out of the way, here is what you need in order to enter this giveaway:

The FIRST 50 BLOGGERS (that’s you!) to leave a comment below this post, with the following information, will receive TWO tickets to the Carnival Magic/Maroon 5 event in Galveston, Texas on November 13th:

• First and Last Name
• Mailing Address (No P.O. Boxes)
• Email
• Why you want to attend the event
• The correct answers to the following two questions: 1) Which is John’s favorite car maker? 2) In which department did John start his career off at Carnival?

Note: You MUST provide all of the above, including the two questions, in order for your submission to be considered.

I will keep all of your information private. Only the names of the winners will be posted, so that all of you can see who the first 50 people are. (Update: I realized a lot of you might not want your names posted publicly either so I’ve decided that no entries will be posted. If you are a winner you will receive an email in the next few days.  Thanks – Eric the Beard)

Again, just to be clear, there will be a total of 50 winners and each winner will receive TWO tickets to the event.

All winners will be contacted via email with further details about the prize, as well as the blogger meet-up that will also be happening on November 13th.

So good luck to all, and may the rest of your day be filled with lots of tofu, eye-gadgets and thick, luscious beards!

Cheers,
Eric the Beard

I hope to see some of you there as I have the true honour of introducing this brilliant band and hanging out with the dudes backstage. I wonder if they have any spare groupies for me.

By the way I have to tell you about my flight back from Freeport to Miami and this was witnessed by Peter the Hair, Jay the Recently Married and my assistant Mel. On my American Eagle plane sitting next to me was a man whose relationship with soap and deodorant was the same as my relationship with tofu and the gym. He was talking on his Eyephone as he boarded and he kept talking on it until the flight attendant threatened to remove him from the plane. He was talking loudly about oil as though he was a sodding Ewing. I am sure it was all an act and he was probably on the phone with his wife getting a bollocking because she found out he had been logging onto www.latvianwomeninsuspenders.com

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Guest: Mrs. ________ Ref: 941285541A
Cabin: —— Booking#: _______ Added-Changed: 09/05/11 – 09/05/11

      SHOW TOO LOUD
Mrs.______ came to the GSD to say that her husband and she had left the show tonight because it was too loud. Guest was very upset and said that she wanted to meet with the cruise director as she wants the volume lowered for all the shows.

Now the show she was unhappy about was my show, the Welcome Aboard Show, which apart from an overture from Jimmy Boore and the Showtime Orchestra members, is just me, talking on a microphone. And if Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were going to complain about a tub of lard with a microphone, what would they have to say about the high-energy Destination Unknown magic show tonight?

Here on the ships, we have become very conscious about the levels of sound in all our lounges and in the main theatre especially. Levels have been set that fall in accordance with bearded guidelines and are closely monitored by our Apple-loving, nostril-pierced technicians. Now, we do get a few comments about the levels of sound in the main show room especially during our big production shows but compare these comments to those of say five years ago, they are few and far between which is due to said beards with names like Erik, James, Geoff and Joe (sounds like a boy band) who have really made sure we don’t go over the guidelines they have set.

So, baring this in mind and before preparing Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown a basket of apples and plums experience told me that I needed to check where they had been sitting during the show and to find out a little bit about them and discovered they were in their late seventies. I met them this morning during excursion departures for Marseilles and asked them to show me exactly where they were sitting during the show and they were right under one of the main speakers and both were wearing hearing aids which I guess amplified the sound even more.

I had asked Rebecca the sound technician to report on what DB (decibel level) she had run the show at and she told me it was around 90 DB. Now consider that a normal person talks at 60 DB and rock concert by someone like Guns & Roses, Limp Cookie, AC/DC or Celine Dion runs around 150 DB, you can see that the Welcome Aboard show had run within proper parameters. But as I said to Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown if they sit directly under a speaker and you have sensitive ears and a hearing aid ……it’s going to be loud. I then led them to the center of the Showtime theatre and gave them some suggestions on where it might be the most comfortable to sit. I have to say though that as I often see here on the blog as well it appears that Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were not familiar with the words “please” and “thank you” and more on that in a moment.

I know that there were many bad things about living in the past such as the plague, crapping in a hole in the ground and no Megan Fox’s bottom to search for on the internet but there was one marvelous thing our ancestors had that we’ve lost ………….a nice bit of peace and quiet.

If you were a peasant wandering through the forest, you might have terrible teeth and absolutely no sense that the Earth was round, but at least there wasn’t much noise. No cell phones ringing, no thruster noise as you dock at a port, no flight paths, dishwasher beep or elevator Muzak, no tss-tss-tss Eye Pods or those bloody annoying cruise directors and their long-arsed announcements trying to sell you gold by the inch from the gift shops. No screaming Russian guests, just some birds tweeting and the occasional chomping noise as a caveman had his head bitten off by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Not anymore.

The soundtrack to modern life is getting louder and more persistent. Even here on the ship the refrigerator in my cabin beeps at me if I leave it open for more than three seconds and the computers chirp and chime every time an email comes in and the phone rings and and and….

And when was the last time you could honestly say you sat down and read a book without some great, bellowing noise ruining your concentration? That’s why we must always have some areas on our shops with no music, no nothing, just the sound of the sea. Guests can also read and relax in the peace and quiet of their cabin where the announcements from that fat cruise director are never heard and where the phone never rings and where the only sound is the couple in the cabin next door having a massive session of rumpy pumpy……….the lucky bastards. But as I sit here this Tuesday morning in my underpants there is peace and quiet. It’s 6:45 am and the phone won’t ring and the raspberry won’t beep for at least another two hours and the only sounds in my cabin are the click, click, click of the keyboard and the gentle “wooommmpppphhh” of my arse.

Oh by the way, please don’t think of me as cruel but when I was talking to Mrs. Turnitdown she obviously had her hearing aid turned down a bit and I had to repeat myself once or twice so she could hear. Mrs. Turnitdown did all the talking while her husband said nothing, I wouldn’t mind betting he had been saying nothing for many years.

Anyway, I was explaining about the speakers and the volume and was in the middle of a sentence when Mrs. Turnitdown interrupted me to give me a lecture on how we at Carnival could learn from the theatre at their retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida. And it was as I stood in the Showtime theatre at 8:45am being shouted at by a lady who kept adjusting her hearing aid that I couldn’t help but think of Mrs. Richards. Who is Mrs. Richards……well let’s meet her shall we?

Time for some Q and A………..let’s go.

Linda Parsons Asked:
Hello John,

I am booked on the Carnival Dream the first week in December. My first and my other half’s ninth. It’s also our “honeymoon” trip. I was wondering about the weather around that time, mild or cool? Also wondered if there was some sort of water aerobics, or zumba/exercise done aboard ship? Thanks for looking at my question.

Linda Parsons

John Says:
Hello Linda Parsons

I am sure you are getting excited about your honeymoon cruise on your Carnival Dream and you will be happy to know that there will be Pilates, yoga and spin classes available at the Cloud 9 Spa on the ship. If you have any questions about these classes then please let me know as obviously I take them every day, seeing me in the down facing dog thingy is a treat let me tell you. The weather will be fine, certainly not cool but not as humid as the summer although it will be sun bathing and swimming weather for sure. All in all you will have a brilliant cruise and the perfect start to what I hope will be many happy years together.

Best wishes.
John

Michelle Fortson Asked:
We had a nice time on our Pride cruise but I was really surprised that there was nothing provided by Carnival and not one staff member came to our Meet & Greet. There were probably about 50 people who said they were coming and at least 40 showed up. Not a cookie or a glass of water was provided and not one person from the ship’s staff showed up. I have been to quite a few Meet and Greets (mostly on RCCL and NCL) and refreshments are always provided, usually some sort of souvenir and usually lots of people from the entertainment staff and the officers come and greet us and say a few words. We had the captain, cruise director and the heads of all the departments all saying something and telling us to contact them directly if we had any problems. They treat us Cruise Critic members like gold. (The power of the pen). I just think that that is poor customer relations on Carnival’s part.

John Says:
Hello Michelle Fortson

I am very glad to know that you had a great cruise on the Carnival Pride. Obviously I cannot comment about other lines but although we appreciate and respect that Cruise Critic is an important site for cruisers to discuss the pros and cons of cruising and to assist fellow readers with advice and assistance, we only provide a room when asked to arrange a meet and greet. I know the cruise director or a member of the entertainment staff will always try to attend if they can although it is rare that our captains will do so. I will continue to assist in arranging a room for these events and have the time and place mentioned in the Fun Times. I hope despite not having a cookie and a free souvenir that you had fun meeting your on-line friends.

Best wishes
John

Theresa Fecik Asked:
We are going on our third cruise on the Carnival Pride on April 8, 2012. This time, we are bringing our kids for the first time. I was wondering if they do anything special for Easter on the ship for the kids (and for the adults). I know this is a religious holiday so I am not expecting the Easter Bunny or anything. A choice of ham at dinner would be nice though.

Thanks,
Theresa

John Says:
Hello Theresa Fecik

Yes indeed there will be. Camp Carnival will organise a very special Easter egg hunt around the ship and there will be a superb Easter dinner as well in the dining room. I cannot promise religious services though but I can promise you will have a brilliant family cruise vacation.

Best wishes.
John

Glenda Asked:
My DH of 12 years and I will be joining the Spirit on Nov 4 for her 9 day cruise and want to reserve a table for two by the window. Our booking number is ******. John, we are both professional bridge instructors having done stellar work in this capacity for Holland America and also Crystal. Who do I need to talk to at Carnival to arrange complimentary cruises in return for professional bridge instruction and tournament organization? We run the Bridge Deck Club in Naples, Florida and your passengers would appreciate our services so please by return send me confirmation of our table for two requests and the contact information.

John Says:
Hello Glenda

We certainly do have bridge players on specific voyages such as Panama Canal and trans-Atlantic crossings, although it isn’t as popular as it is on Holland America and other lines. Thanks so much for offering your services but we actually use an agency for this already if and when we require bridge instructors. I have asked the maitre d on the Carnival Spirit to do his best to get you your table for two and I wish you both a brilliant time on the Carnival Spirit.

Best wishes.
John

Tracy Asked:
Dear John, (Please respond)

I have been a blog reader for well over a year, and first wanted to say that I love your blog and think its bloody brilliant! My fiancé and I just booked ourselves for Bloggers Cruise 5 on the Carnival Magic, and are very excited.  We are so looking forward to meeting you, and also are looking forward to Ron Pass (we just love him, too). We’ve cruised many times on several lines, but love the value and fun of Carnival. Since this is our first Bloggers Cruise, I was wondering if you can tell me when more information will be available on the bloggers events.  Specifically, I understand that there is a special bloggers excursion that is offered.  I usually plan all our excursions well in advance, but we would like to know what the bloggers option is before confirming everything else. And will you be participating in this excursion?  Any information you have would be appreciated. Thanks for everything you do to make most guests have a wonderful vacation (I know there are always some people who are never happy and can’t be pleased) don’t let the few get to you!

Thank you.
Tracy (Looking forward to March!!)

BTW – you mentioned Alaska cruises a few weeks ago – we went to Alaska this spring and it really was a trip of a lifetime – as much as I love the sun of the Caribbean, this was by far the best trip I’ve ever taken!

John Says:
Hello Tracy

I was thrilled to read that you have booked Bloggers Cruise 5 and both Ron and I will do all we can to make sure it is the best cruise ever. I will be working on the events in October but I can tell you there will be morning get togethers, tea times, private shows and much more. Then there will be a private excursion in Cozumel which although not confirmed just yet will probably be a beach event similar to the one we had on BC3 or was it BC2? Anyway, I will release details as soon as I can as I realise that many guests like to book in advance. I can tell you that it will be a brilliant cruise especially as we are holding it here on the Carnival Magic, a ship you will truly love. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes to you both and see you soon.
John

Patricia Halverson Asked:

Hello John.

We are three women traveling on the Magic Oct 28 out of Barcelona. Could you tell me when can we take our suitcases to the port or how early can we take them the ship does not leave until 5 but if we have to be out of the hotel we would like to sightsee and do not know what we are going to do with our luggage. Thank you for all the good stories. Love Carnival — my 11th trip.

Pat

John Says:
Hello Patricia Halverson

It won’t be too long before you are here on the Carnival Magic. Unfortunately there is no checked luggage at the terminal, so you have two choices. First of all, you can come straight to the ship and check in as early as 10:30am. You can hand your luggage to the porters and then turn around and get a taxi to Las Ramblas and explore. You will still need to have your carry-ons with you though as there is nowhere to put them as the state rooms are not ready until 1:30pm. The other choice is to maybe pre-book a minivan taxi online and arrange them to collect you and your luggage from your hotel and then after touring bring you to the ship. Please remember the final check in time is 4 pm. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you a wonderful time and thanks for your loyalty to Carnival.

Best wishes.
John

Benedict Ashley Montgomery Asked:
Hi John,

How would you advise me to go about one of my career ambitions to become a cruise director? I attended a theatre school full time for seven years so have experience in entertainment. Keep up the fantastic blog as I said it does brighten up my day as I had a rough few years with people at school (thank God I’ve now taken my GCSEs) and now a brand new start.

Best wishes.

John Says:
Hello Benedict Ashley Montgomery

Thanks so much for the kind words about the blog and to get you started may I suggest you have a look at www.carnivalentertainment.com which has all the information about the job and how to apply for the position of entertainment staff. I hope your dreams come true and if there is anything else you think I can help you with, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Deena Goodman Asked:
John,

I’m cruising on the Spirit Oct 21 2011, The roll call on the CC site and myself have planned a door decorating contest and would like to run this over with the CD of the Spirit……..We have trophies and medals and honorable mention ribbons..And first prize ………bar coupon book …….. 2^nd……..photo coupon and 3rd soda coupon book… Was needing the CD’s assistance in getting the ballots out. Or do I just go to various venues on board and hand them out to the PAX? Please let me know the best way to handle this. Our medals are engraved with the ship’s name and date and will be given with a trophy and prize stated above.

Thank you.
Deena

John Says:
Hello Deena Goodman

Sounds like a fun event and I have sent this to the Carnival Spirit cruise director who will be in touch with you when you board. I am sure we can add a few prizes as well. Do you have a meet and greet arranged or would you like me to do this for you. Please let me know here or if possible through my Facebook page so I can get started on helping you. I hope you all have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today and I will be back tomorrow with more.

OK, please join me in congratulating the winners of August’s employees of the month here on the Carnival Magic.

And as promised here are the new dessert menu rotations for the three- and four-day cruises.

So with the office closed yesterday for Labor Day, I haven’t had a chance to tell you who is sailing with us today so here is that information.

GUESTS                                 3721

FRENCH CANADIAN         411

RUSSIAN                              289

BRITISH                                328

SPANISH                               101

DUTCH                                  46

GERMAN                              44

So 411 French Canadians all of which will have their Fun Times translated into French…..by me. And as mentioned we only have 91 children. Now at this point I usually show you where we are going but today it’s a little different as you will see from this copy of the letter that every guest received when they boarded the ship.

 

September 4, 2011

Welcome fun seekers!

We’re excited to have you sailing with us aboard the beautiful Carnival Magic. We can’t wait to show you all the fun activities we have in store for you!  In the meantime, we just need a moment of your time to give you an update on our itinerary. 

Earlier this week, we sent you an email to make you aware of a potential general strike in Italy that could affect our scheduled itinerary. The strike will impact all Italian ports, and since major demonstrations are planned in the center of Rome, many streets will be closed off to traffic and all local transportation will be halted.

At this point, it appears that the strike will proceed as scheduled and in order for us to secure tours and berthing facilities; we have confirmed the alternate itinerary previously communicated.  

We will now visit the beautiful port of Marseilles, France on Tuesday, Civitavecchia on Wednesday, and Livorno on Thursday.  Although this means we are forced to cancel our scheduled call to Naples, these changes will enable us to avoid the anticipated disruptions this coming Tuesday in Rome.  Additionally, we will be able to provide you with a new port of call and still visit Rome and Livorno (where you can tour Pisa, Florence and Tuscany), which are two of the highlights for this cruise.   Below is our revised itinerary:

 

Day    Port of Call                        Arrive           Depart

Sun    Barcelona, Spain                                     5:00 PM                                  

Mon    Monaco                              9:00 AM          8:00 PM                         

Tue    Marseilles, France                  7:00 AM          4:00 PM 

Wed    Rome (Civitavecchia), Italy         9:00 AM      10:00 PM

Thu    Livorno, (Florence/Pisa), Italy     7:00 AM          6:30 PM                     

Fri Fun Day @ Sea 

Sat    Dubrovnik, Croatia                 10:00 AM         7:00 PM

Sun    Venice, Italy                       2:00 PM      Overnight                                                

Mon    Venice, Italy                      Overnight        7:00 PM

Tue    Fun Day @ Sea

Wed   Messina (Sicily), Italy             7:00 AM          4:00 PM

Thu    Fun Day @ Sea

Fri    Barcelona, Spain                    5:00 AM          

 

You’re going to love Marseilles, known for its stunning Mediterranean coastline and beautiful architecture. Enjoy the city’s natural beauty when you stroll along Marseille’s main street La Canabiere lined with cafes and attractive hotels. Be sure to visit the famous Notre Dame de la Garde Basilica, situated at the highest natural point in Marseilles. No matter what you do in this old city, you’ll be sure to leave with lots of beautiful memories as souvenirs. Reserve your fun tours for Marseilles, from the comfort of your stateroom through the interactive television or visit our shore excursions desk located on Lobby, deck 3 – forward.

Just one more thing…all pre-purchased shore excursions for Civitavecchia and Livorno will be automatically adjusted to the new day and time and tours purchased for Naples will be refunded to your on board Sail & Sign account.

We apologize for this change in plans and thank you for your understanding.  My officers, staff and crew are committed to providing you a FUN and magical cruise vacation.

See you on board soon!

Captain Salvatore Rassello
Carnival Magic

So, a general strike in Italy means that today we are in Marseilles instead of Rome. What they are striking about I am not sure. It could be money, conditions of work or that Italian men should have the right to slap any woman’s bottom they want to without fear of prosecution, who knows. What I do know is that many thousands of demonstrators will be in Rome today and therefore we canceled the port. So, we will be in Rome tomorrow where unlike today the major attractions will be open and the trains and buses will be operating as normal. Unfortunately this has meant we have had to sacrifice one of the ports and that port is Naples. If it wasn’t Naples it would have been Dubrovnik or indeed Rome itself but after much discussion we decided it should be Naples. At my welcome aboard orientation talk I explained that we could return to Naples on the sea days as we would be much further north and overall everyone seems to have accepted the change. However, as normal there are exceptions and here are two for you to read now.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 871098227A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/04/11 – 09/04/11
Guest called the GSD to say how upset she was that we were canceling the port of call of Naples. Mrs_______ states that the only reason she booked this cruise was to go to Naples. Guest is asking for compensation.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 8912541274A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/03/11 – 09/03/11

Mr and Mrs______approached the desk to explain that they had arranged to visit their cousins in Naples who they had not seen in 18 years. Guest wants Carnival to arrange free transfer to Naples from Livorno.

So, overall we only had a dozen or so comments, although there was disappointment that we had canceled Naples. However, let’s look again at the two above starting with the first one and here let’s play a game. I will type out a sentence and you fill in the blank. If the only reason you took this cruise was to go to Naples then why didn’t you __________. And demanding compensation for this is a load of_____________.

See, you didn’t need me did you?

One has to have a degree of sympathy though for couple number two who was looking forward to seeing their family whom they have not seen for 18 years. We won’t be providing free transportation although we have allowed them free phone calls to their family in Naples which because the couple are from Pennsylvania and speak no Italian and the family from Naples speak no English, Fredarica our Italian GSA did the talking.

So we will be in Rome tomorrow and today we are in Marseilles where the weather is lovely as it was yesterday in Monaco.

As you know I refer to the Carnival shoreside management as “beards.” Actually, the beards come in two categories. There are the senior beards led by Chief Executive Beard Gerry Cahill and then there are the techy beards who also eat tofu three times a day and worship at the altar of Apple. The beards are the men and women who will be shaping the future of your favourite cruise line. Many of them actually have facial hair and not just the men, but that’s a story for another day. And now I think I just may grow one too.

Shipboard crew is not allowed beards but I may say bollocks to the rules and turn my back on corporate rules and grow one. Johnny Depp did and everyone said he looked like a stud muffin, so then can I?  But there is another reason why I am going to let hair spring forth from my face. And that’s the price of sodding razor blades! Bloody hell, it’s pure robbery and is so expensive it would have Donald Trump saying “how much” to the shop assistant at Walgreens.

And while it’s expensive in the states, try buying them in Barcelona. I asked my assistant Mel to get me some Gillette Mach 3 Turbo blades for me and she came back saying I owed her 28 Euros, for four blades.  Four…….not 40……..but a lonely four. I could not believe it. So can someone explain to me then why razor blades probably cost about 50 cents each to make, but are so expensive to buy? Maybe they are so expensive as Gillette has to pay David Beckham millions of dollars to stand at a mirror shaving with a cucumber shoved down his underpants.

There are other things that cost so much to buy that I wonder why they can get away with such baffling sums of money. Batteries, sun lotion oh and bottled water that has been “flowing through the Swiss mountains for hundreds of years” yet costs ridiculous amounts and comes with a sodding sell by date!  But I can’t grow a beard because shaving is a manly thing. It is something that shows we are the stronger race that we are indeed………..men.

Or at least that’s what I thought until I discussed the outrageous price of Gillette razors with Calvyn. He told me that he uses the complimentary six packs of Venus disposable lady razors we place in the cabins. “They will do everything” he said. “Legs, armpits, they even tidy my downstairs shrubbery.”

Yep……….time to grow a beard.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Now Bob is a great guy but he is no Ketut and he actually frowned when he came out of my bathroom yesterday and looked at me as though I had taken a huge number two and forgotten to flush the toilet — which, as it turns out, is exactly what I had done. And while this never used to bother Ketut, it bothers Bob obviously because as I sit here in my underpants he hasn’t been to clean my cabin yet. I guess I can manage without Ketut or Bob for a few days although actually it probably isn’t a good idea. The last time I led a bachelor lifestyle was way before Heidi when I rented my first ever flat (apartment) and it was always piled high with KFC buckets, discarded Diet Coke cans and scattered naughty Latvian magazines. I also had a toilet that was constantly blocked thanks to Colonel Saunders.  So it’s best then that Bob comes back.

Ketut also used to bring me breakfast when I asked for it and would go to Lido to get it for me and would return with eggs, bacon and sausage English-style which thanks to the large number of British guests on board we serve daily. Loads of grease in the morning…..mmmm. Bob refuses to do this for me and I had to ask Calvyn this morning to get me breakfast. It sounds lazy, and yes it is, but if I go and stand in line for breakfast on Lido I will still be there at lunch time answering questions. Yes, that’s my job and I do it when I can but with FB and blogs to write, the early mornings are valuable to me.

So I asked my co-morning show host and entertainment staff member Calvyn to get me breakfast as he was going to Lido anyway. And 45 minutes, later there was a knock at the cabin door. I was expecting Calvyn with my fry up and I could taste the grease on the bacon and the thick, slightly crispy sausages that dipped in my fried eggs would take my taste buds to heaven and back — except I couldn’t taste it because that’s not what was on the plate. You see Calvyn had decided not to bring me this but instead the total bastard had brought me yogurt, muesli, rye bread with seeds and other crap in it and a bowl of fruit.

I looked at him and said, “What’s this?” and Calvyn said, “It’s what I eat for breakfast” and we sat down to eat.  In Calvyn’s mind we were two cowboys sharing breakfast………..oh God, we recreating a scene from his favourite movie…………and it wasn’t Blazing Saddles.

Time for today’s Q and A……..off we go.

Brian Asked:
Hi John,

Could you please tell me what Carnival puts in the water/air/food or pillows that makes cruising so addicting? After three perfect cruises in the past two years and two more cruises booked for this winter, cruising is all I can think about on a daily basis. I know there must be something addicting on the ships because I need my fix within hours of disembarking and am usually looking for the next cruise before a week’s end. My coworkers have to listen to me talk endlessly about Carnival cruises and now they’re booking their own! Therefore, while I have never had the slightest complaint about anything or anyone on the ships I must tell you…and I’m sure many on the blog thingy will agree, my only complaint if I were a complainer, well two complaints actually, one is that the cruises are too short because I’d love to stay on board forever and be catered to like a king, and two, Carnival has made me an addict and I need to seek help……..or another cruise to relax (!!!)…….and John, you are enabling my addiction by posting on Facebook and keeping me informed. This is mostly your fault!!!  Thank you so much for what you do.  I am not a Facebook subscriber but I do read your blog daily. Please send a huge thank you to every crew member on every ship for all of their hard work.

John Says:
Hello Brian

Yesterday on Facebook I had a bit of a rant about a negative and cruel comment I had received which include a link to Cruise Critic that had some other comments of the same. I had a mate contact me called Steve who is a Cruise Critic reader and we discussed that there are times when I shouldn’t post links here that are just simply poisonous. And while I will always post most questions, in this case he was right and so I didn’t post it today. I tell you this because having just read that awful and vindictive post about Carnival and more importantly about some of the crew it was a true joy to read your post. I want to say therefore a huge thank you to you for the great words and I promise that we will continue to do our best to bring you the most affordable and most fun on the seven seas.

Best wishes and I hope we cruise together soon.
John

Leslie Asked:
John,

We were just on our fourth Carnival cruise on the Carnival Triumph and found the embarkation people in Louisiana to be curt and downright rude. New Orleans looked like it still had a long way to go before being close to recovery from Katrina and the streets were dirty as was the airport, as well. While we enjoyed the cruise our New Orleans experience was awful and Carnival needs to rethink moving the ships away from the slums of New Orleans and back to Mobile where a southern smile and courteous friendship is assured and promised.

John Says:
Hello Leslie

I was very surprised to read your comments about the embarkation experience in New Orleans and I certainly apologise that our staff did not meet your expectations and I will make sure the right people see your thoughts. As I said, I was surprised as it’s the first time I have read such a comment. New Orleans is one of our most popular ports – in fact, we’re adding a second ship there this fall and returning our capacity to pre-Katrina levels, something that we’re very excited about. Nevertheless, it seems that we have to improve and I will make sure that I pass along your comments to the appropriate people here at Carnival. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Martha Dorries Asked:
I’m going to be sailing on the Carnival Glory in September and I have a special request. My daughter is a classically trained pianist and is attending Julliard. She needs to practice three hours every day even during our family cruise so she will need a grand piano and a private room in which to do so. Our cruise takes us on the Carnival Glory on September 10 and our suite number is 2377. I look forward to your immediate reply

John Says:
Hello Martha Dorries.

I have to admit that I had to ask Uncle Google what Julliard was all about and it seems that it is a very special school for very talented musicians so you must be very proud of your daughter. I see that you are sailing very soon so I have sent a request to the ship for your daughter to use one of the pianos on board. Now while this won’t be a problem she may have to be flexible with the times she can play and the piano is actually a baby grand not a full grand piano. I am sure we can work something out and I have asked the cruise director Josh to be in touch with you when you board. I hope you have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you both
John

Doug Asked:
Hi John,

First, I love the blog thingy. Very funny and informative. I do have a question for you though, (BTW I’m pretty new to the blog so if you’ve already talked about this previously I apologize) you mentioned your family came to visit you while on the Magic recently.  My son and I were wondering……..how does it work when the family of the crew wants to visit their loved ones?  Do they stay in the crew member’s cabin? Does Carnival have special quarters available in the crew area?  Are they given one of the regular passenger cabins?  Do they have to pay for their trip?  For all the hard work you all do and all the time you spend away from your families, I hope Carnival goes out of their way to make a family visit very special.  Just curious.

Thanks!

John Says:
Hello Doug

Thanks for the kind words about the blog thingy and I hope that it continues to bring you some fun and some good information. Each crew member has the ability to bring family on the ship and depending on their time with the company and their position on board they can do so multiple times per year. But each crew member regardless of their position can, at least once, bring family on board. We all have to pay something but obviously it’s a reduced rate and is a great benefit for the crew. They have two ways of doing this. They can buy a category 1A inside cabin or if they have single quarters the family can stay with them. However, many crew won’t use this option simply because even though family may be on board, that crew member still has a job to do and doing that job and having family on board as well can be very tiring indeed. But the benefit is there and it’s an excellent one of many that Carnival offers our crew.

Best wishes.
John

Philip B Asked:
John,

There is a discussion on Cruise Critic (your nemesis) that is very interesting and it’s all about why we should tip the maitre d’s on the ships. I have sailed this year with NCL twice and with Carnival as well on the Carnival Pride. It’s only on Carnival that the pressure is on to tip the maitre d as it was mentioned in the cruise director’s video. This didn’t happen on NCL. The question is why should we tip the maitre d then? Do they not get paid a salary by Carnival?

John Says:
Hello Philip B

There was a similar question about this in the blog on Wednesday I seem to remember so let me recap what I said then. Every single Carnival employee is paid a salary by Carnival and some employees also receive tips. I think we have a brilliant group of maitre d’s and many make a difference to your time in the dining room. I mentioned some by name yesterday who I have worked with recently and there are others like Yusuf, Drasko, Claudio, Fernando, Jogi, Suresh, Shane, Ricardo, Mersin and others spring to mind. There are many other excellent ones whose names for now escape me and many guests have their favourites. Some are funny, some are crazy and full of energy and some sing and one or two even dance. But it’s far more than that. They provide the ambience in the dining room and they set the tone. They should also, whenever possible visit as many of the tables as they can although as the ships get ever bigger that is not always possible. Tipping the maitre d is standard in the cruise industry and it’s no different to any other tipping position and that is simple. If you have enjoyed them and they have made a difference then yes, please tip. However, from what I have seen in recent years, most of you do.

Best wishes.
John

Jay Farrow Asked:
Your weight loss or lack of it as the case may be seems to be a subject that is open for discussion and so I thought as I am cruising with you on September 4 on Carnival Magic that I would hope you would allow me to sit with you and talk about my experiences. One year ago I weighed 430 pounds and today one year and three weeks later, I weigh 290 and by this time next year I will weigh 150 pounds which is my target weight. John, your life will change and I can help you change it. Please allow me some time with you next cruise and I will help you turn from an obese man with no self esteem to a man proud to walk out on your stage looking good and feeling fantastic. I am sailing with my partner and we would like a table for two. Our cabin number is 6232 but we are hoping to get upgraded. Please give me the time John, an hour or more with me could prolong your life by many years.

John Says:
Hello Jay Farrow

Many congratulations on your amazing weight loss and how your life must have changed because of it. My current weight is 50 pounds more that I would like but slowly, slowly I am losing the weight. I look forward to meeting you and although I can promise you a set time I look forward to shaking your hand and telling you congratulations in person and wishing you a brilliant cruise. I have asked the maitre d for a table for two.

Best wishes.
John

Kat Walker Asked:
Hey John

I’m writing for your expert advice. The Med is on my bucket list and Carnival Breeze has been added as well.  What is the best month to visit for weather? We are from Florida so don’t wanna do hot and sticky. Also flying is a stickler for hubby — how long is the flight from Miami or Lauderdale and what airline could you suggest?? We are going on our 20th cruise September 18 out of Tampa on the Carnival Legend and cannot wait to be sailing again!!!! Thank you for putting a smile on my face daily and some laughter in my heart when I read your blogs…

John Says:
Hello Kat Walker

I think cruising the Med should be on everyone’s bucket list and I am excited to see it on yours. Temperatures in July and August are similar to Florida although for the most part it is less humid. My favourite months here are June and September and those will be warm in the day with temperatures around 70 degrees and around 65 at night…..perfect. The flight to Barcelona is around nine hours and many of the U.S.-based carriers have direct flights. I would recommend if you can to arrive one or two days before so you can see some of beautiful Barcelona. I wish you the most wonderful time on the Carnival Legend and if you have any other questions please let me know and I truly hope to see you on the Carnival Breeze next year.

Best wishes.
John

Gillian Asked:
The cruise on the Carnival Fascination was good. It was our first and we got the table for four that we asked you to get. The food was good and the shows were too but the problem was that the shower cubicle was too small and I didn’t fit in M114 shower. There should be larger showers for big people. I was also surprised by the lack of entertainment for African Americans and that there was nobody trained to do my hair in the salon. We are looking to book on the Carnival Fantasy next as we are from North Carolina.

John Says:
Hello Gillian

I know that the showers can be a bit of a tight squeeze for extra medium people like me so my apologies if it was a bit of a squeeze. I am not sure what voyage you were on so I can’t look at who the comedians were when you sailed but I would hope that the shows had something for every guest despite their ethnic background. I will certainly pass on your comments to the spa team and my apologies that this happened. I am though very happy to see that the table I helped arrange was reserved for you and most of all that you had fun and you will be returning again soon. You will love the Carnival Fantasy and the fact that it is close to home. Please let me know if you have any other questions before you cruise again.

Best wishes.
John

Estelle Asked:
Hi John,

First let me say I love reading your blog. We will be sailing on the Carnival Dream May 12, 2012 and this will be our sixth cruise with Carnival. We are booked in a cove balcony. I have been reading the reviews for the Carnival Dream and I would like to know if you can tell me how much the ship rocks. From what I am reading it appears to be a lot. We love Carnival. If you can let the right person know we book with Charlene in the Miami office every time we cruise and she is wonderful. Well keep up the good work.

Thanks,
Estelle

John Says:
Hello Estelle

I have seen this comment before and I wonder where it comes from because I spent two months on the Carnival Dream and don’t remember her moving anymore than any other ship. Please don’t worry and I can promise you that you will truly love your cove balcony and that the month of May should assure you great cruising weather. Enjoy the close to the water view and if you have any other concerns please let me help you. Thanks so much for those kind words about the blog.

Best wishes.
John

Lawrence Asked:
Carnival should have singles cruises. I went on the Carnival Freedom and it was full of old people that ruined my cruise because they were all boring and old and there was nobody in the nighclub. Do you do singles cruises?

John Says:
Hello Lawrence

While we have singles groups sail with us we don’t have a ship or a specific cruise dedicated to single guests. Carnival carries the most varied cross section of people than any other cruise line and I am sorry that the nightclub was not busy during your cruise. I don’t know how old you are but I would mention that spring break on certain ships will be busy with many younger single singles people you may enjoy sailing at that time.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today.

Every now and then I am asked for a recipe over on Facebook and the latest request is for one of our wonderful pasta dishes that I remember the lady who asked for it said was a dish her kids raved about and wanted Mum to cook at home. So thanks to Executive Chef Peter…….you can. Here it is:

OK, time for a special guest blog from Carnival’s 359th best comedian Mr. Al Er……..oh hold on. I have just been told we have hired a new comedy show where a lady with a terrible gas problem farts Abba songs on stage while her service dog tap dances alongside her………so here then is a special blog from Carnival’s 360th best comedian………..Mr Al Ernst.

The E Man’s Top Nine Comics! David Letterman does a top ten list, there are lists everywhere.

 

After 21 years in the business, I thought I would give you my top nine comedians or funniest entertainers.  Why? Because it is different than the standard list of 10, and my favorite sport is baseball, so I thought I would do them by position. The most asked question by others:  Who makes you laugh? I have never done a list, but I thought in honor of this anniversary maybe I did have a few favorites. To be honest, I hardly ever watch Comedy.  It is my passion, but I really think that you cannot be your best unless it comes from you. But there are some people I have seen, come across, or worked with that have genuinely made me laugh. I am sure I am forgetting someone, and it is a flexible list, but here we go.

 

Right Field: Louis CK  Just caught him on a channel flipping night on Conan. Clearly the funniest comic working at present.

 

Left Field: Billy Crystal  Enjoyed him more in movies than stand-up. Watch the movie titled Mr. Saturday Night, he wrote, directed, and produced. This is as close to a real life career comedian that has ever been done.

 

Center Field: John Heald  Yes, it may seem like I am kissing up here but there is not an entertainer on this planet that has the sense of stage and comic timing.  When I write for him, his material is pretty good too. Most of you know John is the top cruise director for Carnival. I have watched, and shared a stage with him.  He is a real talent.

 

First Base: Jay Leno  I worked with Jay on a number of shows in the 1990s when he was hot on Letterman.  I am not about the politics or the interview skills, but a pure stand up and a writer, and a guy who can deliver a perfect joke……well, he is the best.

 

Second Base: Bill Cosby  He is a storyteller.  He is able to take the hardest audience, and does the thing that is most important in the business…bring the crowd to him, and not pander to them.

 

Short Stop: George Carlin  He got a little bitter late in his career, but he is a guy who wrote all his own stuff, and had a unique style that worked for him.

 

Third Base: Johnny Carson  Showing my age here, but those of you who remember him, knows that he made funny out of saying nothing.  He could take the hokiest material and make it funny by the audience NOT laughing.

 

Catcher: Richard Pryor  Probably goes without saying; many people were offended and laughing at the same time. No one gives him the credit he deserves for doing stories and not just jokes.

 

Pitcher: Steve Martin  This man has forgot more talent than any 100 comics will ever have.  He walked away from actual stand up, because he said all he could. He wrote movies, stories, books, musical talent.  It is just amazing.

 

Yes, I know, if you are reading this, you have come up with at least 20 others. I probably would have a different list tomorrow. The only southern comic that I would list as honorable mention is Ron White. I also stayed with celebrities. One day I will give you a list of the funniest comics you never heard of.  Of course, I did not include myself on the list, because I am one of a kind!

Make sure you continue to laugh…and send me any well wishes or presents you might like to honor the fact that I have stayed out of jail, out of debt, and away from a day job for 21 years.

 

Al Ernst

Thanks Al and I think you know that you are the people’s choice and continue to be one of most requested and laugh-out-loud funniest comedians and I am truly humbled by your kind words. Hope you get to see Al perform soon…..you will recognise him as he will have a small brown patch on his nose.

This cruise has been excellent and it’s hard to believe that the next time I write a blog, it will mark the start of my last cruise for a while as CD of this Carnival Magic. There will be plenty of time to reminisce I am sure and next cruise we have the potential strike in Italy which should make it interesting and I, of course, will be reporting about it live on my blog and on Facebook.

During these hectic days on the Carnival Magic when most days I am working 15 to 17 hours a day I often pause and look forward to the time when life is simply my big leather recliner, a cigar, a plasma TV, a nap and a rumpy pumpy dream about Megan Fox’s you know what. Right now, though, I spend most of my time on this bloody computer. It’s one big blur…….200 e-mails here, a need a bigger thingy there, Facebook, check Mr. Arison’s twit, a Viagra sale, check the headlines, check the e-mail again, log off, log on……..when will it end?

Well never……not even as we get older. That’s because it appears that even Holland America is giving the greatest generation a chance to become computer savvy. They have teamed up with Microsoft to provide Texpert classes and I have a guest here on the Carnival Magic who was telling me that he recently sailed on a HAL ship and who thought these classes were amazing. He tells me he can now use the internet and send e-mails and log onto www.latvianwomenlookingforsugardaddies.com and he was disappointed we didn’t have similar lessons here. By the way, the guest was in his late 70′s which I found fascinating.

This being Friday’s blog, I will try and stay away from the heavier subjects of seat saving and hurricanes and concentrate more on ………well me. Now because Ketut is in bed with a man cold or underpantitus or whatever he has I have pretty much had to fend for myself and last night I discovered my refrigerator was bare and I was out of bottled water. And so I traveled down to deck 0 to the crew lounge. This is where the hard working men and women unwind after cleaning the cabins, serving and cooking the food and the rest of the crew go to relax. There is a large bar, a huge giant TV, foosball, darts and more. There is also a table tennis table. Now as I may have mentioned before I have the sporting skills of a drunken penguin but I do love a game of ping pong. And as I entered the crew lounge I saw that the table was empty and there were very few crew members around and so I asked Calvyn who was with me if he wanted a game.

Now, I admit here and now that I asked Calvyn for a game because…..well……..because I thought I could beat him. And I admit that I thought I could beat him because he is …… ummmm ……… well extra medium like me and that in my mind I expected him to have the athleticism of Rosanne Barr. And so we played.

And before I knew it the score was 2 to 9 and I was losing big time. How was this possible? It’s my job to be better than him as I am his boss and the athletic equivalent of Richard Simmons was kicking my arse.

Then it was 2–10 and then soon 3–11. I stopped the game and pointed to my suit and work shoes and the fact that my opponent on the other side of the table had casual clothes and something called TOMS which he wears with everything and I mean everything and he wears them all day everyday and sniff one and you will either think you’re in Paris or you will faint.

Anyway, I was at a disadvantage and so I told Calvyn to wait and I am ashamed to say I was now taking this game so seriously that I went back to my cabin, changed into a T-shirt, sweat pants and my Michael Jordans. Then I went outside on deck 5, took some deep breaths and came back a new man. I may have even been growling a bit shouting “Come on you fat tub of lard, come on, don’t let Lurch beat you.” I returned to the crew bar to find that there were now many more crew in there and all were waiting for me to finish my game so they could play and they were all waiting to see who would win.

It was my serve and using my special sliced double action deep back spin serve I sent it right into his chest and it spun away of the edge of his bat. “Yes!!!” I shouted, punching the air, my face contorted as though in the process of pushing out last night’s stubborn dinner. And the game continued and I smashed the ball at one point so hard it hit Calvyn in the head and this gave me great pleasure and I danced around the table like a man possessed. It was now 19 to 20 with Calvyn leading…..first to 21 wins.

My life hung in the balance. If I messed up, I would have lost to my assistant and I would have lost to my friend and I would have lost to someone who listens to Cher. I focused. I coughed and snorted the sludge from my nose onto the crew lounge floor trying to get as much oxygen into my lungs as I could. Tension was everywhere, the entire crew lounge was watching. I gripped my bat more tightly. Calvyn served. The ball came, I sent it back, and then Calvyn returned it to me with some height. This was my chance. I concentrated on the white ball as it came toward me; my whole world was focused on smashing back as hard as I could to take the game to a tie. I arched my body like a coiled tiger ready to spring and then “BANG” I smashed the ball back to Calvyn’s side. And it missed the table completely and instead flew past, hitting Patel the soup cook in the side of the head.

It was over. I had lost. The crew applauded, some laughed. I had been beaten by the man with ridiculously long arms and posture that would make Quasimodo look straight. There are many days when I feel old but last night was the worst. I ache this morning and I have had to endure Calvyn’s taunts as he reminds me that he beat me. Even crew who were not there are pointing and laughing that the senior cruise director and brand ambassador was beaten at table tennis by someone who looks like Barbara Streisand. That’s why while the ship was in Palma De Majorca today I demanded a lunchtime rematch. And he beat me again. Bugger.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

One such incident involves Michael Jackson and a joke made by one of the comedians that upset a guest so much that she walked out of the Spotlight Lounge on Promenade Deck aft and went all the way forward and down to deck 3 and at 11:45pm she made a complaint that the joke had been racist. And so this morning I had to talk to the guest who was African American as indeed was the comedian who had told it during his uncensored show which means the comedians often make some outrageous jokes. The fact that it is an uncensored show is well documented and announced clearly by the show’s emcee so there was no doubt that the guest was attending a show that would be R-rated with adult material.

The comedian involved is one of our very funniest and one who gets more rave reviews than most. His show includes jokes and observations on rumpy pumpy, getting old, all the bodily functions and political humor as well as this one particular Michael Jackson joke. I know many of you are asking “What was the joke, John”……well this is one that can only be told in a comedy club environment and not here on the blog. So I spoke to the lady in the lobby this morning and appropriately we are in Naples and Mount Vesuvius was in the background because this lady was erupting her anger all over me. I explained that the show was uncensored but she didn’t want to know and told me that it was wrong to make fun of the dead and that the joke was racist. Anyway, long story short. She’s mad, I said sorry, she walked away still mad, she gets fruit. The end.

By the way, one footnote to this. As you know we have a new Carnival Legends show here on Carnival Magic and it is brilliant and I hope it gets around to the rest of the fleet as soon as possible. The new characters and the new dancing with the cast section have breathed new life into a show that was (is) getting a bit tired. However, while we have multiple signups for Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Shania Twain, Neil Diamond etc…….we have on the three occasions we have done the show only had one person sign up for Michael Jackson and each time they have been…..ummmm………well, let’s just say they were sponsored by ThirstyFrog Red and have provided a certain comedy element to the show. I wonder why we have no one sign up to sing Billie Jean. My guess is that MJ is virtually impossible to impersonate because of his incredible dancing and singing ability, not to mention that his voice was truly one of a kind and unless you trap your thingy in the fly of your pants, you are never going to sound like he did. And now — it’s laundry time.

Miss_____Ref: 84810775231A Owner: (——————
Cabin: ———– Booking#: ****** Added-Changed: 08/28/11 – 08/28/11

THEFT FROM LAUNDRY

Miss ——–reported that three pairs of under garments and one blouse had been stolen from the guest laundry. Guest had put in her washing and came back 40 minutes later to find her clothes had been taken out and other clothes of another guests were in the machine. Security has been tasked.

Now, let’s examine this shall we? First of all it is unbelievable that another guest would come into the laundry, stop the machine, make sure no other guest is watching, take out the laundry and walk off with it. Surely this is a mistake right? Maybe they went to the wrong deck and thought they were at the place where their laundry is. Or of course we have 800 kids on board ……… a juvenile prank maybe. Oh hold on, I just had a thought. We also have 140 French on board and they are ladies underwear that is missing……maybe Pierre is in his cabin standing in front of the mirror saying “Sacre blue – mon derriere looks formidable in these oha oha oha.”

I should put a pair of my underpants in the guest laundry and see if any sod takes them. I think we all know the answer to that. And if they did steal them they would find their way back to me ……I have homing underpants. We will solve the case of the missing silk underwear and have called in the help of the Italian Police, Interpol, the CIA, the FBI ……..and of course Calvyn.

Time for today’s Q and A…………here we go.

Denise from Ft. Lauderdale Asked:
Hi John!

We are sailing on October 30, 2011 on the Carnival Valor, which is our ninth Carnival cruise. We are excited about celebrating Halloween on the ship.  We have our costumes ready. It appears that on Halloween, October 31 is also formal night.  My question is, do we wear our costumes for dinner?  I say yes, thinking the wait staff will be wearing costumes, but my husband says no, we should put our costumes on after dinner.  Can you help us answer this question?

A HUGE Carnival fan,
Denise

John Says:
Hello Denise from Ft. Lauderdale

I am glad to see that you are a “HUGE Carnival fan” and that is great news indeed. Halloween has become a big celebration for us over the past few years and it will be the same again this year. The elegant night is indeed on the 31st and I doubt (although I am not 100% certain) that the ship will change that so as in previous years yes, you and many other guests will wear their costumes to dinner. I will be posting the Halloween schedule for the entire fleet as soon as I have it. Have a great time.

Best wishes.
John

Bernard Berry Asked:
Hi John.

Don’t really have a question, just wanted to say my June 24 cruise was my best cruise ever.  Thank you and your staff for allowing my wife and I to experience for a week what it feels like to be famous. It was a first for us and it was awesome.  What a fun concept. We are still enjoying the perks we received. We have another cruise scheduled out of Port Canaveral September 17 on Carnival Dream and we know that it won’t top our Carnival Magic cruise. We still are looking forward to it and will continue to choose Carnival for all our future cruises. Keep the new ships coming. You are the best. Thanks again!

Bernard and Carolyn Berry

John Says:
Hello Bernard

How brilliant that you wrote and brilliant describes your performance in the WIN show. Thanks so much for spreading your joy and cheer to the other guests and it was an honour to share the stage with you. I wish you a brilliant time again on the Carnival Dream and I hope that we will get to be together in future cruises as well. I will send my colleague Butch a note for you when you board.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Robert Chadband Asked:
We are sailing on the Magic on September 25 and need you to help us. We are celebrating our 41st Anniversary with our daughter and son-in-law. Would you get us a table for 4 and a window table for our special cruise? We have sailed on five Carnival cruises before but have never had a window table!!!! Also one of your special anniversary gifts would be nice!!!!!!!!! Here are the details.

Robert and Melissa Chadband in state room 1399

Anthony and Rebbeca Rosetti in state room 1407

We cruised with you on the triumph and thought you were fun.

John Says:
Hello Robert Chadband

It is always nice to see families cruising together and I will certainly ask Ken the maitre d’ to do his best to assist you with your table. I am sure we can get you a table for four but although he will try I can’t promise that it will be right next to a window. I will send you something for your anniversary and wish you all a wonderful time here on the Carnival Magic.

Best wishes.
John

Suzann L Asked:
I didn’t get a comment card for some reason so I would like to say that the waiter I had on my July 7 cruise on the Carnival Inspiration was the best I have ever experienced in my 18 cruises, seven of which have been with Carnival. His name is Manni and his smile and welcoming nature made our cruise so wonderful. My daughter has special needs and not comfortable around strangers but she took to Manni immediately and still talks about him every day. Carnival has in Manni someone who should be recognized as being the difference between a good cruise and one that will never be forgotten. John I would be thankful if you would pass this to Manni and show his line manager as well.

John Says:
Hello Suzann L

What a brilliant post and one that warms the heart when read. It is indeed crew like Manni who can make such a difference and you cannot imagine how proud he will be when he sees this. I will as requested make sure the shipboard and shoreside managers see these words of praise which I thank you sincerely for taking the time to write.

My best wishes to you and the family.
John

Christiane Gagnon Asked:
Hello John,

I am booked on the Carnival Magic Sept 4. We are really looking forward to this trip. I read on your blog about the itinerary change on the Carnival Magic this week. We have done 15 cruises and I work in logistics planning. Would it not have been better for everyone to just miss a port rather than change all ports around? I know that this had to be a lot of work for Carnival to re-schedule tours. And I appreciate the work Carnival did for passengers on private tours (you did not have to do it, but I am sure it was appreciated. However, in the future, I think skipping the one port is a better decision. Looking forward to meeting you in six weeks.

CGinMTL

John Says:
Hello Christiane Gagon

It’s an interesting question indeed. We discussed this in depth and decided that giving everyone the ports they had flown many miles to experience was the best option by far even though as you mentioned it created a lot of work for us on board. The fact that the ports are for many as important as the ship when booking the cruise was also taken into consideration as this is defiantly destination cruising. The concerns in Italy especially are always there. The feedback we received from the guests when we did the port change was positive even though as you know from the complicated work you do, logistically, it was difficult indeed. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes and get ready for a great cruise.
John

Michael Chaffin Asked:
John I have noticed over the last few years all staterooms are warmer especially in the middle of the night. Is this a cost savings measure or is my luck of the draw of rooms just bad? I have had maintenance check and they will say the temperature falls in the acceptable range, any idea what that might be.  Thanks can’t wait to sail with you again.

John Says:
Hello Michael Chaffin

Good question. Certainly we don’t turn the air up in the night as a cost saving measure that I can assure you. However there is no doubt that some ships are colder than others and certainly some individual cabins are, as well. Take the ship I am on now, the Carnival Magic. We have certain logs that we keep on board and last cruise we had eight air conditioning complaints about 1,845 cabins and five were that it was too hot and three that it was too cold so go figure. Yet, it’s the same AC system that controls them all and guests have the same thermostat control that allows them to adjust the temperature accordingly. So I guess the answer is I don’t know, maybe it is just personal preference as to how you like the temperature in your cabin. I hope this answers your question and I hope we cruise together again soon.

Best wishes
John

EPH Asked:
Mr. Heald.

It is unlikely in the extreme that I ever again take a Carnival (and maybe any other) cruise. I have written to Cruise Critic and placed my full review there as I think it is important that others know about me experiences and so I have added this to Cruise Critic. I trust Carnival knowing this will act accordingly. While the personnel were cordial, respectful and hard-working, many were improperly informed and inadequately trained. For one shore excursion (Belize) I was twice sent to improper departure assembly points on the ship. Finally, after some aggressive inquiry, I did find the correct place in time, but it was an unnecessary and unpleasant experience. A planned (and paid) excursion on Grand Cayman was missed when I used my telephone for a waking alarm as I often have. The phone time was correct with ship time when I went to sleep but was changed to later when I was awakened, and I missed the trip. Unknown to me, the time was reset by connection to a cell tower on shore when the ship approached port. Had I been advised of this possibility, I would have been on time for the excursion and the tour company refused to refund my money which is Carnival’s fault……. This was also the first time, in my many overseas travels, when postcards I mailed did not arrive in the US. They were mailed with stamps purchased on the ship and were left in a mail drop which was to be mailed from our current port. Overall the crew was pleasant, but apparently not capable of being very helpful.

John Says:
Hello EPH

Thank you for taking the time to write and I am so sorry that the cruise experience was not what you had hoped for. I know that these days cell phones can and will reset automatically to local time if that function is not turned off and obviously that is what happened with your phone and why you missed the tour. I also have to say that while I understand your frustration in missing the excursion, yours is the first such comment I have ever seen. I am not sure why your postcards did not reach their destination. The cards are given from the guest services desk to our port agent (we have one in each port that looks after us) and they then post it from the local post office. I am sorry that yours did not make it home. I am glad you found the crew “pleasant” and I wish I knew what ship you had been on as it could have been one of two that goes to the ports mentioned. I hope that you will look back at the value for money the cruise provided and the fun you hopefully had and that we will see you again.

Best wishes.
John

Larry W Asked:
Hi John

Please can you tell me when the new CD schedule will come out. I don’t want to be mean but I am really wanting to book a cruise in January on the Carnival Legend but need to make sure a certain cruise director is not there as if I hear her voice over the PA I think I will go mad.

Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Larry W

I will have the new schedule out in three weeks and will post it here on the blog thingy. I am sure you will be happy. Hope you book that cruise and let me know if you have any other questions

Best wishes.
John

William D. Starks Asked:
On our last cruise I was impressed on how the Platinum guest was treated.  We really didn’t expect to be treated so great. We thought it was just something in print.  Sorry to say that our next cruise in 2012 will be with RCL.  I have no choice in this matter but we will be back to Carnival after that.  We love Carnival.  So don’t hold it against us for going with RCL in 2012.

Your friend William

John Says:
Hello William D. Starks

Absolutely not. I wish you a wonderful vacation and we will be here to say welcome home the next time you return to carnival. Thanks for the kind words and for your loyalty………..mostly

Seriously, have a great vacation and hope to see you soon.

John

That’s all for today.

So, tradition has it that when our ships have been built a coin is placed into a glass box and welded somewhere on the ship. Many of you have had fun finding these coins and have had photos taken with them If that someone is you then you better have a look at this:

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=226691564050079

So send in those photos of you and the coins and if you are cruising soon then have hunt for the coin and send us your photos.

OK, I know there are certain subjects that probably have some of you going, “Oh no, here goes the fat idiot again.” Dress code is one and so is tipping and of course my dislike for anything French. There is another one though that I need to talk about again because I am getting frustrated and in fact I know you are too. Yep, it’s time to wheel out the seat-saving/chair- hogging subject once again.

These past two cruises we have had 4,500 plus guests on board including many families and for the first time this European season, we have had multiple sea days. And with stunning Mediterranean weather, suffice to say we have had some issues with deck chair saving. There is good news though and that is the pilot system we have started here on our adult only Serenity deck and I can tell you that it works absolutely perfectly. We haven’t re-invented the wheel here. What we are doing is simply enforcing the 30-minute rule wherein if any chair is left for more than 30 minutes, the item is removed by the deck stewards and kept safely until the guests return.

It looks like this system for the Serenity area is working because we have signs there plus it is well advertised in the Capers and …..bugger……..the Fun Times and guests understand and comply. Honestly, we don’t have a problem there and have received no complaints at all. The system works.

Now it works though because it’s a smaller area and we have the crew to monitor and enforce the 30-minute rule. But the vastness of the open decks on 10 and 11 and all around the Lanai on deck 5 that equal hundreds upon hundreds of chairs……..well simply and honestly we can’t do it. We just can’t. And after much discussion with the hotel director, guest services manager and the housekeeping manager we have decided we cannot make promises that we cannot keep. And so while we say in writing and in a scrolling message on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen and in my announcements that seat saving is not allowed, the 30 minute rule has been removed because it is something that we are not able to do. We just don’t have the numbers of staff working on deck. You may think of that as an excuse but it’s not. It’s the truth. The end.

There are, though, other points to mention here and one of those is the blatant disregard by guests who ignore what we ask and plonk towels, books, shoes, children and goats on the chairs as early as 7 am. Take yesterday for example. Normally on the first day of a nine-day cruise we are in Monaco but this cruise as there is no pier available we had a day at sea. So at 8:10am I walked across deck 10 to Lido to get some breakfast and at least 80 percent if not more of the chairs had towels on them, etc. Then at 8:30am after my delicious bowl of All-Bran and some scrambled eggs, I walked down to Deck 5 on The Lanai and at least 50 percent of those had towels and shows and stuff on them as well.

And so I made another announcement on the PA system late that morning and on the Morning Show but I know already that it will make bugger all difference. What has made it even more difficult here on Carnival Magic is the large number of Europeans we have on board and for the Germans, Dutch and British, getting to the chairs first is surely a few years away from being an Olympic sport. But the towel wars have a new champion here on the ship………the Russians. It looks like they have found a way to outsmart everyone by laying their towels in the early hours of the morning after apparently returning from the Vibe dance club and then heading to bed at 5 am.

So what’s the answer? Well I didn’t know the answer to this the last time I wrote about it and I doubt I will have any idea when I write about it again. There may be those who will say that RNL or NCR cruise lines don’t have this problem but that’s bollocks because they do. Any cruise ship and indeed any hotel that has 3,000 people staying there has this problem and until guests stop reserving chairs and realise it is not good manners to do so I expect it will remain a problem for many years to come.

On a lighter note, my first job was working in an office. It was a summer job, I was 16. I filed bits of paper and if I looked out of the window in the morning I had bugger all else to do in the afternoon. Going to work was a simple business. I would arrive through something called a “door,” punch-in something called a “card” through a “clock” and settle down for 10 or 12 hours of total boredom, breaking off only to eat my cheese and tomato sandwiches my Mum had made or to be beaten about the head by my merciless boss, a dragon lady called Peggy. She had a mole on her face from which sprang four long grey hairs that begged to be cut, trimmed or simply burnt off. So there I sat, at my desk. I had a chair, some files and ………well, that was it.

Indeed when I first started as a cruise director on the Carnivale, my desk looked pretty much the same. There was a chair that because the previous Cruise Director Brett Allen’s was a magician and therefore had the obligatory magician’s parrot, was covered in green dollops of bird crap. And indeed so was most of the cabin. On my desk there were only two things. A telephone which had been there since 1953 when the Carnivale was called the Empress of Something and was so heavy that you had to be an Olympic weightlifter to pick it up. The only other thing on my desk back in 1990, was a typewriter.

You see that’s how we used to do the Carnival Capers. Yep, we did them on a typewriter. I would type out what was happening such as:

2 pm……..Massive Huge Jackpot Bingo with a Prize of $25……….Mardi Gras Lounge

3 pm…….The Sexy Beer Drinking Wet T-Shirt Pillow Fighting Contest……Lido Deck. 

Then I would have to type out the meal choices as:

Lunch on Lido Deck. Hamburgers, Hot Dogs With Or Without Cheese………….Lido Deck.

Then, when I had typed these things out I would take a pair of scissors, cut the bit out, coat the back of it with some glue and, pausing only to squash another cockroach with my shoe, I would stick the paper on a legal size piece of blank white paper. To do this for a whole day’s worth of Capers would take me two hours at least and considering I had never used a typewriter in my life before I can honestly say my Capers were dreadful. Really, really dreadful.

But life was much simpler back then. I had my typewriter, the antique phone and a squashed cockroach on my desk. But today as I look at my desk here on the Carnival Magic I can’t believe how things have changed. Here’s what’s on my desk now.

So that’s:

• One desk top computer and hard drive and speakers.
• A Huge PA system in the wall
• A Walkie Talkie
• A Lap Top
• An Eye Pad – more on that later
• A Calculator
• A ship’s internal cell phone
• A Raspberry
• A Flip Video camera
• Various Crap

Look at this desk and you would think it belongs to an accountant or someone who works for the CI sodding A. But some people with beards will say, “Stop moaning you fat tub of lard. It’s called progress.” Well they may be right but talk to CDs like Steve Cassel and they will tell you how he would spend maybe two hours a day in the office and the rest walking the ship and hosting events. These days all cruise directors (myself very much included) get comments that say, “We didn’t see the CD anywhere except on stage.” Well that’s because the job has changed so so much. But that’s life and that is indeed progress.

Things have gotten so much more complicated over the years. Take computers and the requirement for usernames and passwords. This used to be manageable, requiring as it did little more than typing in a pass code or a phrase based on your love of Megan Fox’s bottom (ilovemegansbottom) or your random phrase (gerrycahillisastudmuffin).

However thanks to various tofu-eating bastards with beards the process of logging in to work is now as bloody difficult as trying to escape from Alcatraz. The last few days have been very busy for me what with a ship to run and trying to keep up with all the hurricane changes so I can keep you all updated over on Facebook. Therefore the last thing I needed was Mr. And Mrs. IT Beard informing me that password policy was changing and that our office and cabin computer passwords must now be eight characters long, contain a letter in upper case, a letter in lower case, a number, and character thingy ………e.g. ?, *, %, $. Oh FFS!

Meaning that “Bollockstothefrench or “servicedogmyarse” are no longer permissible and that even “Latvianwomen%4me*” will work only for a while as I am apparently required to change my password more often than I change my underpants.

So, there you go. Things were different and so much easier back then and while I miss those days I obviously appreciate email and communication devices that allow me to stay in touch with the girls. Would I swap anything now? Well, it’s nice not to sit in a chair covered in bird crap and I hated that typewriter but apart from that…….no……..I probably don’t. Oh, except one thing ………. the word Capers…………..I really miss calling them Capers.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

There were 1,000 guests in the room and my announcement about Barcelona had been met with mixed emotions. My Q&A’s are done with staff members in the lounge with microphones so that the rest of the guests can hear what others are saying and therefore here my answers as well. This saves me having the guests stand in line and me getting the same old questions over and over again. All I ask is that the guests tell us their name and where they are from.

My first question came from a lady from New York who surprisingly asked: “My name is Gwen from New York. Where can I get perfume?”

Now, she obviously meant in Marseilles, France, the following day but I needed the session to have a relaxed feel about it as possible before the Barcelona questions commenced so I answered: “Macys – it’s on 5th avenue, on the 3rd floor I think.” Now many of the audience laughed but unfortunately she didn’t and told me and the guests so by saying: “That’s not funny……..be serious.” That’s a quote………..that’s what she said exactly. Oh joy.

But what happened next was even more surprising. I took two more questions about why we weren’t going to Cannes or Monte Carlo or Greece and then the fourth question of the afternoon really was a shock. Why is there no woman captain or senior officers? This lady really let me have it and would not give up the microphone. I explained that we did have a female guest services manager on board (and many others throughout the fleet, as well as several female hotel directors over the years) and that one of the Italian senior officers liked to dress up in women’s clothing at weekends but that didn’t please her at all and she then referred…….on the microphone ………to Carnival Cruise Lines………..as sexist.

Blog friends, I have to tell you that this question summed up this past cruise and I will lament on this more in a moment but first, let’s think about this shall we? Hold on, before I answer I need to pause the DVD I am watching which is called Latvian Women Go Naked In A Swimming Pool Filled With Jell-O. Of course we are not sexist. OK, we have no female captains and no female chief engineers but there are lots of high-ranking female personnel here aboard ship and at the Miami offices. Besides if I was really sexist I would say that if we did allow female captains, the Promenade Deck would be furnished with lots of scatter cushions and the smoke stack pink.

Anyway, after I apologised to the lady who asked the question the subject moved back to Barcelona and normal service was resumed and next up was a man representing a group of people from……..well I had better not say because if I do I will be accused of being anti ……….. never mind but I am not, I know that but bugger me……….this group were so rude and I have a good mind to send them my dry cleaning bill as I took them to one side after the Q and A and all of them shouted at once……….and covered my blazer in spit.

I will finish this part of the blog by saying simply this. Most of the guests were happy and had a brilliant time but I can tell you on behalf of the guest services desk, the maitre d’s and most of the crew that quite honestly, that this was one of the toughest cruises ever. Never mind missing Palma ……..it just seemed that there was a collection of guests who were just plain miserable and in some cases just plain rude. The brand ambassador side of me hopes that they will be back so we can win them around and try again. The other side, the human side of me hopes that they all suddenly get a fetish for climbing walls or rodents with big ears. Actually, no I don’t because no crew, whatever line they work for deserve to have guests like that on board. So instead let me say I hope they never set foot on a ship again…….and I hope they all get an itch that can never be scratched. Be mad at me, be mad at Carnival. Shout at me, shout at Ken or the guest services manager.

Two hundred cabins also removed all their gratuities. They were mostly Americans although British and Israeli guests also removed them and while some tipped in cash many did not. I have no idea if they did this because tipping is not in their culture or if they did it because we missed a port……either way it’s a real shame. This is a very rare thing and despite the fact that the crew provided the same service and fun as the previous cruise and less than 30 cabins removed gratuities, this cruise for whatever reason it went up to 200. Carnival Magic though remains at number one in the fleet as per the reviews and scores from the online card.

It was one of the hardest cruises I have done in a long time and probably in hindsight it wasn’t the best idea to do an overnight in Barcelona which added a bit of fuel to the fire. In hindsight I think we (I) should have planned a day at sea but we (I) thought we were doing the best thing for the guests. There were some very difficult guests on board and the lady who complained about no female senior officers……scared the crap out of me. I think given the chance she would have gladly cut off my gentlemen’s sausage with a pair of blunt nail scissors…….and thrown into one of the Mongolian woks!

Time for another Q and A.

Bob asked:
John,

What is the current status of the Mexican ports? Specifically Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta.

Thank You

Bob

John says:
Hello Bob,

First of all my apologies to you and all the people I am answering today as I am a month behind in doing so. We continue to monitor the situation in Mexico and we continue to hope that one day we will return to Mazatlan as it is a great port but we’re not sailing there at the moment. Puerto Vallarta is also a great port and Carnival continues to send the Carnival Splendor and Carnival Spirit there. As I said it is a fluid situation and I’ll keep you posted here on the blog on what transpires. \

Best wishes.

John

William Johnson asked:
Hello John,

Hope you had a good break. Question from UK regarding booking on carnival.com. We have sailed twice with Carnival and booked through a travel agent having researched on carnival.com. You mentioned on the bloggy thing some months ago that the beards were looking to promote Carnival to the UK travelers more. The UK web site carnival.co.uk has very limited range of cruises, e.g. currently up to April 2012- I am looking at June 2012 so I tried via carnival.com- no luck; computer says no as it needs me to insert a US zip code. So my question is twofold, can a UK resident book via Carnival.com and secondly is there any move to keep the UK website up to date with the US one? Thanks and if we can sort this may see you on Carnival Breeze next year.

John says:
Hello William Johnson,

It’s applicable that you should ask this because this cruise, as I will be writing about in a moment, we have the largest amount of British guests we have ever had on the Carnival Magic. There is no doubt that the UK website is antiquated compared to the North American one and that’s why on October 1, a new website will be launched for the UK which will parallel carnival.com. I will be posting more about this closer to the time but I promise you will be very happy indeed and this whole zip code thing that UK cruisers find so frustrating will not be a concern anymore. Thanks so much and I hope I get to see you next year on the Carnival Breeze.

Best wishes

John

Tasha M asked:
John,

I agree with what David F said today that the servers and cabin people should speak better English. My cabin boy on the Carnival Sensation did not understand anything. I told him I wanted the bed moved against the wall so my 3 year old son would not fall out off the bed but it took three times me telling him before it was done. The waiter did not understand that I wanted a baked potato well done and crispy and I had to send it back twice on a four-day cruise trip. The crew did not speak English and I know you hire them because they are cheap labor but you should hire Americans for crew who serve the passengers.

John says:
Hello Tasha M,

First of all I hope you had a fun cruise and my apologies for the concerns you had with the crew. I would point out that all of our service crew all has to speak a certain level of English as per United States Coast Guard regulations so I am surprised that the waiter and stateroom steward did not understand your requests. It is very rare on any cruise line to find large numbers of American service staff but I will pass your comments onto the ship and my apologies again for the problems you encountered.

Best wishes.

John

Sunbeam Cruiser asked:
John,

If you are going to have homosexual and lesbian meetings each day as you said in your blog today why then don’t you have bible study or prayer meetings every day. I cannot believe that you and Carnival openly support homosexuality and lesbianism but not prayer and the opportunity to worship.

Oh and John I am a PLATINUM guest and will be sailing on the Carnival Dream for cruise number 14 on the Carnival Valor on September 3 and my husband and I would like a table for 2. This time we have a beautiful cabin 7363 and anything you can do for us would be appreciated. Please consider what I said. If you are going to have places for these kind of people to meet then surely you should have a place where believers in Christ can meet and worship together.

John says:
Hello Sunbeam Cruiser,

Many thanks for your loyalty and congratulations on cruise number 14 and a big thank you for your loyalty. I think you are referring to a blog I wrote in which I mentioned or indeed answered a question about the Friends of Dorothy meetings which does allow our gay and lesbian guests to meet in one of the ship’s lounges. And certainly when asked we are always happy to provide a lounge for guests who want to use it for bible study and prayer groups, etc. Unfortunately we rarely have a priest onboard to conduct services but if asked we will make sure we arrange meeting times and if you need this for the cruise on the Carnival Valor please let me know or just ask your Cruise Director Goose and he will arrange it for you. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Hanovich asked:
Hi John,

We’re booked on the 9/16 Carnival Magic sailing. When we return to Barcelona on the 25th our flight back to Houston does not leave till 8:40PM. We’ll be schlepping luggage so what do you suggest we do as far as excursions, etc?

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Dennis Hannovich,

It will not be long until you are here and please don’t worry about that late flight. I would really suggest the Montserrat excursion. The peace and tranquility of the monastery and the views from atop the mountain will be the perfect end to what I hope will be a brilliant time. The excursion will take you and your luggage there and return you to the Barcelona airport at approximately 4 pm. Please do let me know if you have any other questions and see you soon.

Best wishes

John

Kevin Potash asked:
Hi John,

Just returned from Carnival Magic and mostly it was a fun time. John, I had heard so much about you but honestly I have to say I don’t like your humor. I found you crass and immature and I would have preferred you be more informative and classy rather than try to be funny all the time. My favorite director is Ken Rush from RCI who could teach you a think of two about how to be a professional entertainer, host and performer. There is an ongoing vote on Cruise Critic about who is the best cruise director but there is no doubt that you will not get my vote which still goes to the one and only Ken Rush followed closely by Sinan on NCL. These are the best in the cruise industry John and they “look” like cruise directors where as you don’t John. I won’t say anymore than that as I don’t want to be cruel but I think you know what I mean.

I will say that the food was just as good as RCI and the steakhouse was very good value for money. Our waitress Martina was one of the best we have ever had and Ken Byrne was an excellent singer and dining room host. The only other comment I have is that the Carnival bed is not as comfortable as RCI and you need to get their coffee machines put on your Lido. RCI uses Starbucks coffee as their free coffee at breakfast etc but the coffee on Lido deck was undrinkable. Overall we enjoyed our cruise on Carnival Magic.

John says:
Hello Kevin Potash,

Ever since I started as a cruise director with Carnival I knew that not everybody would find my humour funny and I am still very much aware of this today. I am very sorry that you did not enjoy me and I can understand why you enjoy Ken Rush. I have never met him personally but his reputation of being one of the very best in the industry is well known and I know he introduces all of their new ships. I would love to see him work as I am sure I could learn a few things from him. I don’t know Sinan as this is the first time I have heard his…….or ummmm ……. is it a her……name. I am though thrilled that you had Martina as your waitress, she is one of our very best and I am not surprised that you thought she was so good. I also had no idea that RCI served free Starbucks on their Lido deck. I know they have a Starbucks on their ships but assumed you paid for that. We get comments from time to time about our Lido coffee but certainly I would not describe it as undrinkable. I do hope you had fun and thanks for your fair and honest review and I truly hope we see you again.

Best wishes,

John

D. Pettit asked:
John,

I need to make copies of professional pictures taken on my cruise. I was told that I need a release from Carnival Cruise lines in order to make copies at CVS. Where can I get a photo release form?

John says:
Hello D.Petit,

I have not heard of this before so let me check and if that’s the case (which I honestly don’t think it is) I will ask someone to provide you with what you need. Let me see what I can find out and I will let you and everyone know. And here is the answer from a beard in Miami “Guest Care can provide a release letter, all the guest needs to do is call and request it.” So there you go, please call into Carnival and we will take care of this for you. I learned something today.

Best wishes.

John

Lynn Myers asked:
Hello John,

I read on Cruise Critic today that Carnival is going to start charging for bringing bags on the ship like the airlines and that the evening room service where the bed is made will be canceled as well. Does Carnival really not want my business anymore?

John says:
Hello Lynn Myers,

I think the author of that particular Cruise Critic thread had been smoking a pair of my underpants before they wrote it as both are absolutely rubbish. I am sorry they wasted your time and got you all flustered for nothing. I am also thankful that by telling me you allowed me to tell anyone else that may have read this that it’s total and utter bollocks. I hope we see you again on one of our ships where your bags will be freely brought onboard and where your stateroom steward will make your bed twice a day every day……even if you haven’t slept in it.

Best wishes.

John

CrimsonTide 101 asked:
John,

Me and my buddies are going on the Carnival Triumph in March 2012 and we wanted to make sure that the March Madness games will be shown on your giant screen. You will have lots of spring breakers who will be very angry if not.

John says:
Hello CrimsonTide 101,

OK, I have to admit I had to ask Uncle Google what “March Madness” was as I didn’t have a clue. I hope I am right in saying you mean college basketball games and if that’s the case, I can tell you that some of the games will be shown if they are shown on the major networks or ESPN. What I can’t promise is that they will all be shown on the big screen on Lido as we have a full movie and concert schedule there but they will be shown in the sports bar. I hope you have fun and I see by your screen name that you love Crimson Tide as well. It’s a great movie although not as good as The Hunt For Red October. I hope you and your buddies have fun.

Best wishes.

John

Steve O asked:
Dear John (please respond, when you have time)

I wanted to give you a little rundown on my latest Carnival Triumph cruise that departed on June 25. As you know, our mutual friends, Carolyn & Don were also onboard. It was SO much fun. As I’ve told you previously I really love that ship and its crew. Embarkation was easy. Carolyn & Don are, of course, Milestone and I’m but a lowly Platinum ……we breezed right through VIP Check In. Linda Powell’s buddy Robert checked me in and he and Dolores who work there are so friendly. Embark was good, I love that uphill walk on the boarding ramp.….I actually tried to catch a ride with Carolyn on the back of her scooter but she didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea. Stopped to say “hi” to Farid at Guest Services….I refer to him as “Mr. Personality.” Then we went right up to Lido for some lunch. Immediately I began to see crew that I recognized from the April trip. That is so fun. A couple of my favorite dining room hostesses were working up there, Llianna and Nicoletta. Then ran into one of the Senior Team Waiters Gede…..we first met him when we did BC3 in May 2010 with you and Sexy Craig. Gede is such a super guy.

I ran (well, waddled really) down to “see” the maitre d’ at 1 pm. Wanted to see what table he’d assigned me. Of course it was the delightful Jean Pierre (tell Ken to look out, he can really sing too). He almost fainted when I told him I had a German salami (on ice) in my carry-on. Even without that gift he had already seated me at a perfect round table….actually the very same one I had in April. What a guy. I went down to deck zero, I mean deck 2, and found my cabin and guess what? I had the same cabin steward, Maynor from Costa Rica, that I had in April. He actually called my name when he was so far down the hall that I couldn’t tell who it was. He is not only a great steward he is SUPER friendly and fun to visit with. He had already loaded my cabin full of goodies from you and Tex….you guys went OVERBOARD but I was thrilled, thank you. I always send myself flowers and the medium fruit basket so NEVER had there been a little inside cabin with that many gifts in it.

Off to late dinner and perfect table mates. A couple from Olive Branch, MS and a family of five from Albuquerque. We had so much fun. I even talked some of them in to doing The Chef’s Table. That event was done THREE times on that five-night cruise. Our waiter was Alphonso and he’s VERY friendly and very efficient. By the way, the couple from Mississippi had never been on a cruise, it was cruise #1 (and they loved it).

After dinner we caught the Welcome Show and waved at Tex. He’s a smoothie and really gets the crowd going. Of course we ran into ACD Charlie…….he so nice and so many laughs. Carolyn, Don and I hope that CCL will be looking to get him up to the “big chair” one of these days. He’s really a treasure John.

Speaking of The Chef’s Table it was THE BEST (so far). The executive chef now is Allan Gomes and he really does a fantastic job with this. Of course you already know that the galley tour during dinner service is worth the entire $75 to me. I was instantly recognized by three of the young chefs…..poor things hadn’t been able to forget me in the two months since I appeared there in April. On the Carnival Triumph they serve the dinner in the library, and to me, it is the perfect venue. The only thing that disappointed me was that NOTHING broke in the galley while we were there. Darn, I told them I like to hear a few broken plates like all the other times. The F&B Manager, Mario, said, “Just stay a few more minutes, IT WILL happen tonight.”

Wow, this is way too long BUT I wanted you to know how much fun I had. Oh, Tex & Charlie invited the three of us to have lunch with them on the final sea day. THAT was so great….a super honour (spelt correctly according to you). Rather like being invited to dine with her Majesty Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip or YOU actually

As I said earlier, I love the Carnival Triumph and her crew. They haven’t seen the last of me this year, the poor sods. I intend to surprise them a couple more times. I hope they’re ready for that.

Your OLD mate,

Steve O

Johns says:
Hello Steve O,

Another brilliant review and I shall pass this immediately to the ship and let them see just what an impression they made on you. All those you mentioned are one of the reasons why Carnival stays at the top in what is a very competitive industry. I loved the fact that you referred to dining with Tex and the staff as like dining with the Queen and I am sure they enjoyed it just as much as you did. Thanks so very much for taking the time to write and by doing so you will encourage others I am sure to cruise on the Carnival Triumph and will have those you mentioned smiling from ear to ear.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

That’s all for today.

Well I am not going to talk anymore about last cruise and concentrate on the now. So far it is going well but, this is a different cruise as well as you will see now when I show you who is sailing.

Total Guests – 4,643 – which by the way is our largest count so far

FRENCH 162

DUTCH 86

RUSSIAN 293

PORTUGUESE 62

ITALIAN 46

GERMAN 81

ISRAELI – 284

SPANISH 418

CANADIAN 718

BRITISH 1,038

USA – 1,347

OTHER – 392

So where do we start here? Well certainly there is only one place and that’s with the French count of 162 which I have never seen before which has meant the translation of Fun Times into French and has had the housekeeping manager running around trying to order more air freshener. Then we have 293 Russians and all I can say to that is “Oh joy” and lots of other nationalities, as well. The other thing that stands out is that there are 1,038 British on board. This week is traditionally the busiest get away week in the UK and it’s great to see that Carnival is finally attracting big numbers of UK guests as I think the product we have truly suits them. More on this in the week here on the blog.

Let’s look at the kid count.

Now this cruise is also a little different so let’s have a look at where we are going and who is entertaining them along the way.

A bit different with a call to Savona instead of Livorno which means we run tours to some beautiful places.

Here are the most popular:

Portofino Pleasures
• Explore the beautiful and picturesque resort of Portofino
• Enjoy the boat ride from Santa Margherita to the bay of Portofino; marvel at the green vegetation; the wild rocks and little inlets
• Visit the famous Piazzetta where you can browse through elegant boutiques and small, colorful streets (on August 16th some stores might be closed – national holiday in Italy)

Santa Margherita, Portofino & Camogli
• Visit 3 wonders of the 2 gulf in this wonderful full day excursion
• Enjoy the boat ride from Santa Margherita to the picturesque bay of Portofino
• Explore famous Piazzetta and free time
• Sail back to Santa Margherita where you will have free time to explore this small town
• Travel to colorful village of Camogli, famous for its brightly painted houses and a network of alleys and covered passageways

And look at that, three sea days at the end of the cruise which means wonderful Med cruising. So overall we look like we are in for a great cruise and my only concern is that so many of the guests won’t understand me or some of the shows.

Time to talk about two Mickys. Did you know that our Micky Arison is on Twitter now?…….Yep, I was talking to a beard and they were telling me again that I should be twittering and then said that our chairman was and would be using it to talk about the industry we all love so much.

So follow him or twit with him or whatever you call it at Twitter – @MickyArison

I have feeling that for those of us who love cruising, the insights of the chairman of the world’s most successful cruise company should be pretty fascinating.

I said I wasn’t going to talk about last cruise again but that’s not strictly true because I have to refer to the little walk Heidi and I had on Saturday while the ship was in Barcelona. With Kye having fun at Camp Carnival, we decided to take a walk along the pier rather than around the ship as I didn’t want to get shouted at or covered in spittle. So off we went along the pier and to look at the Disney ship that was docked with us bow to bow. Before I continue let me say I have nothing but respect for Disney. I know bugger all about their shipboard operations but I do know that their land parks are incomparable and provide amazing entertainment to millions of people. I say this because yesterday I lost two friends from my Facebook thingy because I made a joke about the old Micky Mouse song……you know……

M…. I …… C ….. K ……. E …… Y ……. M …….. O …. U … S….E……………and yesterday I spelt the last word incorrectly and instead of saying

M….I……C…..K…….E……Y…….M……..O….U…S….E…………….I said ……… M …. I …… C ….. K ……. E…… Y…….O……..U….S…O….B

Well, that was a mistake because I got a massive bollocking from some of the readers and two de-friended me as quickly as a Frenchman de-friends a stick of roll-on deodorant. It seems you can make fun of the French and say Judge Judy is a lap dancer and talk about my underpants but saying anything wrong about the mouse and you are the devil.

So then , before I continue let me say once again that I think Disney are an amazing company and yet I also have to comment on what I saw yesterday because as we walked down the pier I could not believe what I was seeing. The Disney ship was on turnaround (embarkation day) and one would expect it to be full of kids screaming in delight when they see Mickey is standing by the gangway to meet them. Well the kids were there all right, hundreds of them getting out of the buses and the taxis to go through the terminal but they were not alone. Until you have watched cruising adults regressing so far back into childhood they could practically be wearing diapers you cannot know the true meaning of a behavior that could only be described as …… ummm ………….dare I say “strange?” I hadn’t realised that there are adults in this world who subject themselves to the ordeal of Disney without children. Honestly, I had no idea. There were women in their sixties wearing Minnie Mouse ears. Grown men wearing Micky Mouse shirts and Goofy shirts and Donald shirts. I have seen some people get excited when their bus or car or cab draws up to a Carnival ship but bloody hell you should have seen it yesterday in Barcelona.

Couples in orgasmic spasms of ecstasy because they’ve seen the Disney ship and caught a glimpse of Donald Duck hanging off the side of the smokestack…………And, no, not a child or grandchild in sight. These people probably don’t drink or smoke or use the ship’s casino (if there was one), but they would trample a seven-year-old underfoot to beat them to a photo opportunity by the lido pool with a giant rodent.

Maybe I just don’t understand well enough the thing that is Disney. It can bring out the spectacular best in children but from what I saw on Saturday it can make adults go absolutely bonkers. I have been to Disney in Florida and no doubt as Kye gets older I will have to go again although personally I would rather have rectal surgery. But if we do go I won’t be one of those parents who shove their offspring into the path of any passing Disney character, Eye Phones capturing the moment but ignoring the fact that they’ve just shoved someone else’s crying toddler to the floor. Yep, as I said, I am sure Disney Cruise Line’s operation is as brilliant as their-land based theme parks but after what I saw yesterday…………give me a sixty year old guest in a Carnival funnel hat any day.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

There are some hecklers which are actually quite fun, but there is a limit to how much you can let someone try to take over a show. Now I’m no Al Ernst or Happy Cole or Ricky Gervais but I am quite happy to wade in and take someone on and I think for the most part I am comfortable going head to head with a guest who wants to be heard. The problem is that some guests enjoy the attention, even if they are being bollocked live on stage by me they just end up shouting absolute rubbish just so the focus and in some cases an actual spotlight remains on them. I remember when I first started as a cruise director, I wasn’t sure how to deal with hecklers. I was a bar waiter with the comedic timing of a stuttering hamster and really didn’t know how to handle the people who insisted on being part of the show. Was I supposed to ignore them? Did I have to keep taking them on until they lay on the showroom floor weeping and conceding defeat like a French soldier? Could I simply ask them to leave the lounge and call security, or would that be admitting that I was still actually a bar waiter?

I remember speaking to Gary Hunter and Bob Hamill, two established cruise directors, and I remember them saying that after an initial exchange, you can never win, and it’s unfair on the rest of the audience if you don’t do something. Some of our comedians have stock lines. The very funny Percy Crews has “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to deal with you, I’m a comic not a proctologist” or Billy Connolly’s classic: “The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it” There are other stages of getting rid of the heckler most of which a cruise director cannot do but our comedians at the Punchliner Comedy Club’s uncensored show can.

They usually involve:

• Implying the heckler is drunk
• Implying the heckler is childish
• Implying the heckler is an idiot
• Implying the heckler is ugly
• Sexual insults, usually based on the heckler having a small gentlemen’s sausage.
• Insults to their parents

So back to my situation which was far more complicated. This particular situation did not involve heckling at all but rather a disruption to a show as when last night I came out on stage there was a young man in a wheelchair with his parent or guardian sitting on the end of the row.

As I started my intro to the Groove Line show, he started to make guttural noises and then after a few seconds he shouted “hate you,” over and over again. If this had happened in my first week of being a cruise director I would have not known what to do. As it was I carried on regardless understanding the man’s disability, but it was disconcerting, and trying to negotiate my way through the constant interruptions.

Now, if this guest did not have such enormous physical and emotional challenges, I may have tried to make some sort of attempt at humour (which despite what a blogger said yesterday is spelt correctly, dammit!) but obviously that would be highly inappropriate. But I did wonder what I was supposed to do, not just for me but for the dancers and singers who were about to perform. It then got worse as he rolled his head around and started to yell at the top of his voice unintelligible words. There was nothing I could do but carry on, as best I could.

I cannot imagine the struggles this young 20-something man and his family must go through on a daily basis. To think that they had come hundreds of miles on a plane to get to the Carnival Magic, I am happy for anybody to come to see the shows, but if they are in a state where they are constantly disrupting the performance and distract everyone else in the audience, is it fair to other guests? I hope that I managed to deal with the situation as best as I could, but I think I need to seek advice again about this one from my blogging friends. In the end I said nothing but I could see as the cast came on and he carried on screaming and shouting that it was, even above the volume of the brilliant 70′s music of Groove Line, a disruption to other guests.

My concern is tonight when I have a show featuring Penny Mathisen who sings beautiful arias and Broadway tunes and other shows featuring jugglers and comedians, etc. If he is there again …….should I ask his caretaker to move him to the back of the lounge? I honestly don’t know what to do which is why…….I am asking you for your kind advice because now I have started to get complaints from other guests. What would you do?

Let’s move on to some Q and A shall we………………away we go.

Wayne Heintze asked:
John,

We saw Dean Gaines on one of our cruises a few years ago and have been trying since to find his schedule so we can book a cruise to see him perform again. We are going to be on the Dec. 1 sailing of the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston. Is there any chance he will be on that ship?

If you know his schedule I will book another just to see him! Thanks for your help. We are 1 cruise away from platinum. Carnival is GREAT!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Wayne Heintze,

Yes indeed he is and I was just talking about comedians above and certainly he is one I would say is guaranteed to have audiences laughing. The problem is that unlike cruise directors who are assigned specific ships the comedians and fly-on entertainers are sent to mostly different ships each week, especially now we have the Punchliner comedy clubs across the fleet. We don’t have a schedule yet for December but if you check back with me at the start of November here or on Facebook I will be able to tell you where he will be performing and if he will be with you on the Carnival Triumph.

Congratulations on almost reaching Platinum status and thank you for those kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Jets Cruiser asked:
John!

I cannot start to tell you how disappointed and angry I am that Carnival has given New York, my hometown, a small ship like the Carnival Miracle. New York people deserve better than this and it shows that Carnival doesn’t really care about us like other cruise lines that have their biggest and newest ships there. Give Florida or Galveston the Carnival Miracle but not New York. The post on Cruise Critic sums up what your customers think about this slap in the face.

The itineraries suck the big one, as well.

John says:
Hello Jets Cruiser,

I was surprised to read this and straight away I had to check with reservations about how the cabins are selling for this ship and its itineraries and it was no surprise to me that it is according to a top beard “selling very well.” Carnival Miracle is certainly not a “small ship” by any means – it’s 88,500 tons – and for many the Spirit class remains their favourite class of ship and the Carnival Miracle is first choice for many cruisers as well. I think the most important thing here is that you have a ship year round which shows that we do care about this very important tri-state market and who knows what the future holds. Sailing out of New York is an incomparable experience and it’s something I hope to do again before my time on ships is complete. I hope you get to sail on the Carnival Miracle and appreciate not having to fly to Florida or Texas.

Best wishes.

John

Baz asked:
John,

First let me say thank you for arranging that surprise for my parents on their 50th anniversary. You are a special man and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. We had a fantastic cruise and the Carnival Inspiration staff was outstanding. I would like to mention our cabin steward Angelica from the Philippines whose smile and care made it so special for the four of us.

Thanks again John for all you do.

John says:
Hello Baz,

Thank you for those kind words and Angelica sounds like a very special crew member and she will be thrilled to see her name in writing here. I will make sure she and her supervisors read your words of praise. I am so glad you all had fun and thanks so much for taking the time to tell me.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sharon F asked:
Hi John,

I wrote to you THREE TIMES in so far this month and have not had the courtesy of a reply. You should get help so that your customer service is professional and quick to respond. My problem is that we are due to cruise on Splendor July 10 and need a table for two. My partner and I do not wish to be sitting with other passengers for reasons that are personal. This is URGENT. Please respond. Our details for the cruise are Bkg# **** in room # 1377

John says:
Hello Sharon F,

I wanted to make sure I apologised for missing this message and your previous two postings and I realize that now it’s too late because you have already sailed. I am around a month or so behind in my replies here and I am doing the best I can to catch up. Some requests do slip through like this on at this point all I can do is apologise and hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Sarah Stowell asked:
Howdy John,

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your blog. Been following it since I heard about it on CC…….somewhere around the issues with the Carnival Splendor. We are booked on the Jan. 29 sailing of the Carnival Magic….sounds like you will be our CD…….we are so excited! But we will understand and still have a great time even if something changes and you happen to not be there! We are going with a friend’s co-worker…I sure hope that we don’t have issues like you mentioned in today’s blog…We love cruising though and don’t let anything change our plans.

When we get to platinum and milestone please feel free to sit us with anyone you want because I don’t have a feeling that we are any better than anyone else on that ship.

I have a question and not sure if you can answer it or not. But when we were on Carnival Conquest in Jan. this year we had a great headwaiter…Gaudencio (spelling?) or Mr. G as he asked us to call him…..we were curious if he would stay on the Carnival Conquest when she moves or if he will be on the Carnival Magic and if so if there is a way to be sat at his table again? He was the best ever! Thank you for your wonderful blog and letting us cruisers hear what is going on! Hope you are enjoying your time with your family and your upcoming vacation next month!

Sarah Stowell

John says:
Hello Sarah Stowell,

I will indeed be on this brilliant ship with you when you sail in January and I know that you are going to truly love your Carnival Magic. I also hope we meet in person so I can thank you for taking the time to read the blog. Mr. G is now in fact on Carnival Dream and is due on vacation in September and then he is set to return to Carnival Dream once again. I will make sure that your words of praise are sent to him though and I know he will be thrilled. If there is anything you think I can do for you before you sail here please do let me know.

Best wishes and see you in January.

John

Louise Samatani asked:
John,

The new smoking changes you wrote about are not nearly enough. Why are cruise ships so far behind when it comes to protecting people’s health? Putting me and other non-smokers in a room full of smoke is the same as putting me in a room with a gang of criminals armed with knives and guns as both will kill the innocent. The casino on the Carnival Legend was a disgrace and I had to walk through it with a towel covering my mouth and nose and I saw other passengers doing the same. Your statement today said that 90% of your passengers do not smoke yet Carnival panders to the 10%. Get a grip Carnival. Second hand smoke is a killer and the people who smoke are themselves killers.

John says:
Hello Lousie Samatani,

I can see that you have very strong opinions on this subject as do many of course. Not to repeat myself, but the new smoking regulations, while not including a complete ban, have limited the places where smokers can smoke. And unlike our previous policy, for the most part, they are not in areas where non-smokers will have to walk through to get to other parts of the ship. Case in point the casino on the Spirit-class and the cigar bars on Conquest- and Destiny-class ships. Thank you for writing and I am positive the next time you cruise you will notice a big change.

Best wishes.

John

Satisha asked:
John,

I have booked my first ever cruise and my son is going with me on the sensation. He is 9. What is the earliest I can give him to the children’s camp and how long can he stay at the night. Do they do meals for the kids or must he eat with me. Is this free or do I have to pay?

John says:
Hello Satisha,

Congratulations on booking your first ever Carnival cruise and I know you will have a great time on the Carnival Sensation. You can drop your son off at Camp Carnival from 9 am and, yes, they will feed him lunch with the other kids on Lido. I am sure you will all want to have dinner together in the dining room to spend some quality time together and after dinner you can take him back to Camp Carnival where he can have fun with the Night Owls program. There is a charge for this but he will have loads of fun and you can too.

Here are the details:

Owl Jams – a night of high-energy fun that runs from 10 p.m. to midnight and aimed at two- to 11-year-olds. Cost is $13 per child plus gratuity.

I wish you a brilliant family cruise vacation.

Best wishes.

John

D. Mann asked:
John,

As a former purser, I consider Captain Cutugno an old friend of mine. Please tell me how I can get in touch with him. Also, I am about to book a cruise on Carnival Magic and would like to do so while he is still Master. How long will he be master of Carnival Magic (when does he go on vacation?) Also, how would I find out about other friends of mine – whether or not they still work for Carnival? For example: Aaron Thomas – hotel director; Shahnaz Kashanipour – hotel director; Keith Bunton – hotel director; Vivianna Nata – purser; Carol Lyman – accountant; Ute Pollig – purser. I would appreciate a reply to my email in the event you don’t care to publish this. Thank you!

Regards,

Darren Mann

John says:
Hello D.Mann,

Thanks for getting in touch and I have sent your details to all you have mentioned except Aaron Thomas who no longer works for Carnival and I have no forward address or details for him. Shahnaz is now in the Miami office, Keith is on Carnival Spirit, Ute is in the Miami office as is Carol Lyman and Vivianna works for our agency in Italy. The captain actually left today on vacation and I will be sure to pass on your kind regards.

Best wishes

John

Grayson asked:
Hi John,

As a Platinum cruise I would like to know if you have priority seating at the shows as Royal Caribbean give their VIP passengers. Surely we should have the benefit of not having to scramble for seats after dinner.

John says:
Hello Grayson,

I was not aware that Royal Caribbean gave priority seating to guests who have their version of the Platinum card here at Carnival. We truly value your loyalty but I we do not allow seat saving for anyone in the main theatre and have no plans to have a reserved area for Platinum guests. Thanks again for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

David Wunderlin asked:
John,

My wife and I are “repeat offenders” with your great Carnival Cruise Lines. We had the fantastic opportunity to share The Chefs Table w/ Panda on our last voyage out of Tampa on the Carnival Legend and were the 1st group to partake of that way cool event. We booked that at the shore excursions desk on that cruise. We were so impressed that we want to do it again on our Glory Sailing out of New York on 9/17/2011. However we do not see it listed as an opportunity. Can you help us ensure we can get a seating for that. Our Cabin: 1067, Our booking: *****?? We have never had such a fabulous dining experience. And huge kudos to Panda and his team.

Cordially,

Dave Wunderlin

John says:
Hello David Wunderlin,

“Repeat Offenders”……love that title. Yes, of course, I will send this to the ship for you today. The Chef’s Table experience continues to grow in popularity and I am glad that you enjoyed it so much. I wish you another great time on the Carnival Glory.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Time to feature Mr. Radu and some gorgeous photos of the Cinque Terre region of Italy.

He is so talented, isn’t he? I am trying to encourage him to make a calendar for next year featuring the ships and ports of call.

Sometimes, I think my job is nearly as difficult as being a Jehovah Witness with a terrible stutter. Take a look at this.

Guest: Mrs. _________ Ref: 019614459A
Cabin: _____ Booking#: ___________ Added-Changed: 07/27/11 – 07/27/11
Subject: PLAYING BINGO?
Guest wrote following in a letter addressed to the captain:
“Your bingo games are boring. I am a professional bingo player. Why not play some that would let us play more than five numbers at a time? We are adults, play making. Double cross, eight pack, two four-pack. What you play… is child’s bingo. I have played three times and won nothing because the games are too simple. I expect a refund of $40 as there is no chance to win and the game was not advertised before I paid for the cards.”

It would have been quicker and easier for her to write a letter that just said:

Dear Fat Bastard,

I have won bugger and I want my money back.

Sincerely,

An Unhappy Bingo Player

Well, of course, she is not going to get her money back and I have to say I think that the fact she thought the captain was in charge of bingo to be absolutely brilliant.

John: Deck Officer Captain, we have some rough seas forecast tonight, should we put the stabilizers out?

Captain: Don’t bother me with trivial items like that, can’t you see that I’m busy. In the B column, Frank Sinatra’s favourite number, B2…….2B 2B 2B she had three boobies where they should be two (sung to “Strangers in the Night”)

Well, this will be a quick blog today as it’s a sea day and I have the morning show, travel talk for Venice and Dubrovnik, marriage show and elegant night to come. Yesterday we were in Naples and from around 3 pm the heavens opened and a huge thunderstorm engulfed the area for three straight hours. I have not dare look yet to see how many guests are blaming me for this and whether or not I will once again be told I have ruined people’s clothing and be forced to send hundreds of pairs of knickers and bras to the laundry.

I did read a report about a couple who rented a car in Naples and on the way back stopped at a gas station to fill it up, just as the contract they had signed told them they must. Unfortunately, they did not read the signs or understood that the car was a diesel one and they filled it up with regular petrol which meant the return journey was spent with the car jumping around like an epileptic kangaroo until eventually it stopped on a busy road.
The police became involved and I have seen the police in Naples……oh my. They all wear smart uniforms with Ray Ban shades, shiny leather boots and pristine white pants that look more like tights….in fact they look like actors from a porn movie rather than police officers. The whole incident cost them 480 Euros in costs and the tow truck. Ouch.

They were very brave to even attempt to rent a car and drive in Naples which has to be one of the most dangerous and nerve-shattering places to drive in the world. Another……is Miami. I hate driving there, I really do. I would rather tell a room full of little persons to sing It’s a Small World before asking them to pop onto Lido deck with me for a spot of little person tossing than drive in Miami. I-95 simply makes me crap myself. It truly does. You can be in the middle lane and no bugger will let you out into the inside lane even though your indicator is flashing telling everyone you want to get off at the next exit. You indicate and you beg and when the exit to the Miami Beards Head Office is there you have no choice but to throw your car into the inside lane. This usually brings forth a torrent of horn blasting, finger and hand gestures and if you are really unlucky……….some 9mm bullets being fired at you.

Talking of cars, you may know that I have a Range Rover at home in the UK and despite the fact that it is allegedly responsible for killing the world’s polar bear population, I really like it. Obviously I would prefer an Aston Martin in much the same way I would prefer Megan Fox’s bottom to be waiting for me backstage in a thong later tonight rather than Calvyn in a pair of tidy whities. But the Range Rover will do — except apparently it won’t.

Heidi has decided that we will get something different as it costs loads of money to fill up with petrol which at the moment is more expensive in the UK than diamonds. She also finds it too much of a “man’s car” — whatever that means. Anyway, she has been looking and has decided she wants one of those family wagons minivan things. Oh FFS! Especially the one she likes has sliding doors and a DVD player for Kye and hybrid tofu engine. Heidi said she loved it and at aged two years and three months apparently Kye loved it and my life is now officially over……… I am just one step away from incontinence.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Mr________ Ref: 848003163A Cabin: 9*** Changed: 07/20/11 – 07/20/11

C – 9*** – GST FINED IN CAPRI
Mr______ came to the desk and was very upset. He was on the Pompeii and Capri excursion and during the free time part of the tour he needed to use the bathroom. Guest could not find a public toilet and went into some trees. Guest was then later stopped by police and given a ticket and fine of 300 Euros. Guest states that there were no public places and that he has a bladder condition. Guest feels that as he was on a Carnival tour that he should have the fine paid by Carnival.

Wow. That’s one expensive pee. I feel sorry for him in a way but also it is laughable that it’s our fault and that during the two hours of free time of the tour for shopping etc and after the included lunch at a beautiful hotel where there are indeed toilets for guests, that Carnival should pay his fine.

Public urination was something commonplace when I was a lad and I admit in days gone past that I have drained my dragon in a few bushes and once, when I was coming home from the pub, I once emptied Percy in Mrs Martin’s garden because she was a witch……………her and that cat!

But these days, public pissing is a strict no, no and obviously in Capri it is going to cost you 300 Euros!

But I understand a little bit why this guest is angry because these days in Europe, public toilets are a rare site indeed. I know this because Kye is potty training at the moment and when I was home two weeks ago we were in the car and she said ” Mamma plash Maam plasha “…………..plasha is Dutch for wee wee. The UK is like the rest of Europe when trying to find a place to go to the toilet. When I was a kid my Mum and Dad would have stopped the car at the side of the road and held me up in the air while I did my business. It seems nobody wants to do this anymore, so unless there’s a McDonald’s around, you’re basically screwed. And in Italy and in other parts of Europe, you have to get a token now if you want to use the toilets in a McDonald’s but you can’t get a token unless you buy some food. This means if your kid wants to go to the toilet you have to buy a Happy Meal just so your two year old can have somewhere produced a thimble full of pee.

And if you do find a public toilet in Italy and they are as rare as finding an Italian man who won’t stare at your bottom, you have to pay 50 cents to the woman who sits outside. She is always dressed in black and always has a face like a sack of potatoes………….still, can’t blame her really.

Can’t blame the Italian authorities either for fining this guest but 300 Euros seems a bit harsh…………..thank God he didn’t have to take a crap.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..off we go

Sharon Tieman Asked:
Hello again John,

I know you won’t remember me but we have sailed together quite a few times and will be again on the Magic 9/25.

Can you tell me if we will be going to Monaco on that sailing? I have two different papers,with the same booking number and one showing Monaco and the other shows Marseills. I want to book shore excursions but am not sure where we go. The other ports are no problem, just these two. I know we go to one or the other. Thanks for your time and your help.

Sharon from Alaska

John Says:
Hello Sharon Tieman

It won’t be long until you are here and I know that you are going to absolutely love this brilliant ship. Here is the confirmed itinerary for you.

 

Sun, Sep, 25	Barcelona				dep @ 5pm
Mon, Sep, 26	Marseilles			/	7am-5pm
Tue, Sep, 27	Savona			/	7am-8pm
Wed, Sep, 28	Rome				8am-10pm
Thu, Sep, 29	Naples				7am-7pm
Fri, Sep, 30	at sea	ELEGANT
Sat, Oct, 01	Dubrovnik				7am-7pm
Sun, Oct, 02	Venice				2pm- O.N.
Mon, Oct, 03	Venice				dep @ 7pm
Tue, Oct, 04	at sea	ELEGANT		/
Wed, Oct, 05	Messina			/	7am-4pm
Thu, Oct, 06	at sea

 

There you go. No Monaco but a wonderful voyage and I will be here to help you make this your best cruise ever. See you soon.

Best wishes,
John

Abe H Asked:
I had written to you asking for a table for two which indeed we received and also we had asked for a request for Kosher meals. We got these as well but the variety and choice was unacceptable. If Carnival is going to cater to Jewish passengers that request Kosher meals then I do think that you need to provide better choice and more varied menus.

John Says:
Hello Abe H

I am glad the table worked out and that the Kosher meals were prepared for you. I must admit to not knowing exactly what it is that we provide but I will certainly pass this onto our Head Chef and let him know that you are requesting more variety as obviously this is indeed important. I hope you had a great cruise and I will hopefully have more news on the Kosher menu soon and when I do, I will make sure I mention it here on the blog.

Best wishes,
John

Philip M Asked:
John,

I am writing to you because I was disappointed in the standard of your complimentary shower gel you provided during my cruise last week on the Liberty. I had read that you provided this and did not bring my own brand thinking Carnivals would be of a similar standard and it certainly was not. Not only did it not give sufficient lather but afterwards my skin felt dry and itchy and I hope that you can understand why I felt compelled to write. On a positive note, our cabin boy did get me some nicer shower gel when I complained to him. I asked him why this was not put in the cabins and he said it was his own so that was very kind of him. The only other comment I have is that the carved ham during the Lido lunch and dinner was awful. It was wet and salty. We did have a good cruise though. Please do something about the gel and the ham and we will come back.

John Says:
Hello Philip M

I think this has to be the first of many thousands of comments I have received here on the blog thingy that ever had the words “ham, gel, dry and itchy” in it. Nonetheless you bring up two good points and I have sent your comments regarding the complimentary shower gel we provide to our vice president of housekeeping and I know he will look at this seriously and see if indeed we need to consider changing the product. I have also sent the comment regarding the Ham to Chef Sanjay and thanks for letting me know about that. How brilliant that your stateroom steward should bring his own soap gel thingy to give to you, that really is exceeding expectations. I hope that despite the lack of foam and the salty ham, that you will be back because, as you said, you had a good cruise.

Best wishes,
John

SereneLdy (Karla) Asked:
My family and I,(9)of us just returned from the Splendor and had a wonderful cruise, our third. I’ve been in Princess 11 times. The food and service on this cruise was excellent. I was surprised that none of us received a survey form to fill out. Does Carnival not do this? Princess always did. Would you see that the steward for 2288 voyage June 5th (Sum) and our waiter at table 128 (Rubin) are given a good word. Also, I was very impressed with the way all crew members from engineers to hostess, etc. went out of their way to wish us a good day, etc.

Thank you for the great info and fun you share.

John Says:
Hello SereneLdy (Karla)

This is wonderful news indeed and thanks so much for taking the time to write. Carnival now sends some of its guests a review card and this is done online. Unfortunately, not everyone who wants a card gets a card and this is something I certainly do not agree with. However, I am glad to be here to help pass on those who don’t get a chance to complete one so I can send the comments and words of praise to the right people which I have done with yours. Thanks again and I know they will be thrilled to see their names. I hope we will see you again one day soon.

Best wishes,
John

Dee Asked:
John,

I would like your personal opinion, please. My mum and step-dad are going on a cruise here in a few months, and I would really like to do one of the stateroom decors for them (they are going for their 5th year anniversary), their story is pretty awesome in my opinion, and like I said, I would love to do a stateroom decor for them, but I’m not sure which one to do…let me tell you their story, then maybe you can help me decide.

Like I said, this is their 5th year coming up, they originally meet online, chatted over things like Skype for a good while, and then the man she had met actually moved all the way from Australian to Florida to marry her!

My step-dad and mum both are fun loving people, and good people, so I can see how they would like the Bon Voyage stateroom decoration, it’s fun and all…but I think they would also like the anniversary one too…so ya see how I don’t know which one I should buy them? Lol, which one do you subject? Or could I do both?

Thanks for your time!
-Dee

John Says:
Hello Dee

That is indeed a lovely story and true love always finds a way through. Personally, I would do just the anniversary one as it’s personal and says exactly what you want it to say. Maybe you could buy them a nice card and give it to them with instructions to open it on their anniversary, maybe at dinner and in it you can say just how much they both mean to you. If you remind me here when they sail or a few days before on my Facebook page maybe I can send them a little something as well.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Janice Adoo Asked:
John, I am bringing a group of 38 on the Sensation October 24. We are a church group and will be spending each morning and afternoon in Bible study and Knee Drill. Can I book a place to do this through you? We need a room with a piano and that is private. We want to have a room each day and when we are in Freeport and Nasau. Thank you.

John Says:
Hello Janice Adoo

Thank you for writing to me and I will send your requirements to our groups department as they will need to look after this for you. I am sure it will not be a problem and they will be in touch with you shortly to make arrangements. I hope you have a rewarding time both spiritually and enjoying the ship and her crew.

Best wishes to you all.
John

LoneStarCruisinCouple (Lisa&Gary) Asked:
I see where you as well as Carnival have seen the light as to having a Meet and Greet for the folks of Cruise Critic and that is great and wonderful, but I, along with about 40 plus Cruise Critic members, are sailing on the Victory 9/4/11 and well for a ship that is still in port and doesn’t set sail until 10PM a Meet and Greet to be held at 2:30 in the afternoon isn’t to me such a good idea as most will be out and about in port. We are ahead of most as we normally arrange a private cocktail party for our group and have done so already as well this year. For Tuesday our only day at Sea from 1-3 in the piano bar and also have entertainment to come as well. Great idea for most, but just not a ship sailing at 10PM like the Victory. Also, I would like to thank you as well as Host Mach as last year the two of you helped me with a situation of the grand cabana in Half Moon Cay for two little boys that were less fortunate than most. Scoliosis and making their faces smile. Then we were The Loco’s On The Liberty also in September of 2010. Maybe a long time in saying thank you but you and the folks of the Liberty did so very much as to make these two little guys enjoy their first every cruise.God Bless and thank you for just being you and the very kind crew of the Liberty.

Lisa & Gary Havins
LoneStarCruisinCouple

John Says:
Hello LoneStarCruisinCouple

First of all, thanks for taking the time to say thank you to the crew of the Carnival Liberty who did such a kind thing in honouring our request to help. They will appreciate this very much as do I. Host Mach has not been well and I want to take this opportunity in wishing him a very speedy recovery.

We tried the Cruise Critic set time for the meet and greets but my CD colleagues have told me it doesn’t work. Each group wants different times not set times and when we did a set time, people did not show up. So knowing that this is the case, I am going to be the point person for this and ask that each roll call leader contacts me, preferably on Facebook or here, if needed, and tells me exactly what they need and I will make it so. So as we have some time before your cruise, please have a chat and let me know what you need and then let me know. I will then contact the ship for you.
Thanks once again for the very kind words.

Best wishes,
John

Mary Shepheard Asked:
John,

I believe the year was 1993 when I took my first cruise on the somewhat new Carnival Sensation. We all so enjoyed you as our cruise director, well 14 cruises later, five with Carnival we are coming back for a January journey on the Liberty and as I was filling out my forms noticed your blog. Just a quick note to say, you have been one hard act to follow….have had many excellent cruise directors on various lines but by far you were not only our first but the best………all the very best to you!! CHEERS!

John Says:
Hello Mary Shepheard

It’s great that you have written after all this time and I see that cruising has stayed in your blood. I hope we get to see each other again very soon and I want to thank you so very much for those kind words. Please let me know if you need anything.

Best wishes,
John

Ian Reading Asked:
John,

Can you tell me who the captain of the Triumph will be in September when we sail? I have a personalized gift I want to present to him but need his name.

Thanks and love the blog John

John Says:
Hello Ian Reading

How kind you are and I am intrigued as to what the gift is. Anyway, the Captain will be my great friend Angelo Los who will truly appreciate you doing this for him. Have a brilliant cruise and thanks for your kindness.

Best wishes,
John

Tim D. Asked:
John,

First, let me say how much I enjoy your blog; it certainly adds a bit of humor to my day. My wife, four year old daughter and I are set to sail on the Dream early September. My wife and I have sailed the Dream before (actually after we complete the Sept. sailing we’ll be platinum guests with CCL)and have really enjoyed this beautiful vessel. My question is: is Camp Carnival appropriate for a four year old? I know the staff is first rate, but I worry if my daughter is too young to participate in the activities…

Please let me know your opinion on this if you could.

Thanks so much,
Tim

PS: Butch is a fantastic CD and we can’t wait to sail with him again.

John Says:
Hello Tim D

I am very glad to know you enjoy the blog and as a father myself, I understand the concerns about what to do with your daughter. However, as an employee of Carnival and as a dad, I promise that she will have the best of times. There is a schedule specifically created for the young ones and of course the activities involve all the things she will love. Playing, painting, drawing, singing, dancing and so much more. Then after 10:00pm, we have the Night Owl program which has proven very popular and will allow Mum and dad some special time together. So I hope you have a great time. Butch will be with you again and yes, indeed, he is a brilliant CD. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

Best wishes to you and the family.
John

Jason Gatting Asked:
Hi John.

I am 12 years old and on a Royal Caribbean cruise they had a horror night on their giant tv. They had a zombie night and had dawn of the dead and zombie flesh eaters. We are going on the Dream in August. Will carnival do the same thing, maybe all the saw movies?

John Says:
Hello Jason Gatting

I was very surprised that RCI would do this but I can see how it would have some appeal to some guests. Unfortunately, we won’t be having a zombie night unless you count watching some guests coming out of the RedFrog pub after drinking too much. We will have some great movies on the big screen though and I hope you enjoy them. By the way…………….when I was 12 I was watching The Sound of Music and Chitty, Chiitty Bang Bang……………how times have changed.

Best wishes and have a great cruise.
John

That’s all for today and thanks for a great week of comments.

I was thinking about the comment above regarding Kosher food and that I knew nothing about what we offer so I have asked the Chef for the menu and here it is should anyone else need to know.

The guest was commenting about not enough variety although on a seven day cruise or less it seems that there is some variety there. Anyway, lets see if we can improve and take better care of our guests who request Kosher food.

Well, we definitely did the right thing reversing itineraries this cruise. I know it caused some concerns for those who had booked private excursions but it was the right thing to do. If we had been on a regular cruise, the captain said we would have missed the port of Livorno as well as Monaco as the high winds were causing huge swells there as well and he would have had to have canceled the call. I am sure there is not one guest on board who would have wanted to have missed one port, let alone two ports so as unusual a decision as it was to reverse a cruise rather than cancel a port…………..it was absolutely the right one. However, regardless which Italian port we would have been in, they would have had their public transportation unions on strike. Yep, a national strike today and many of the guests who had planned taking trains have had their plans ruined. We have opened extra tickets for our “On Your Own Tours” to Florence and some have booked those and some………….obviously………have blamed us for Italy’s decision to strike and I am not going to give anymore air time to these ridiculous comments. Most guests are very happy though despite this defiantly being…………..one of those cruises!

In today’s Q and A, I mentioned Captain Angelo Los. I have worked with every kind of captain. Ones who love the social side and ones who are only truly at home on the bridge. I have worked alongside those who are friendly and outgoing and some who are quiet and reserved and one or two who have the personality of a washing machine. But I respect them all 100% and although I may not agree with some of their management styles ultimately they are the ones whose my life depends on and that alone deserves my respect and admiration.

There are very few captains with bigger hearts than Captain Angelo Los. He is one of my oldest friends and I hate the fact that I have not worked alongside him for many years. He was my first captain when I was a cruise director on the Carnivale in 1990. I used to secretly call him Captain Cartier as he had a Cartier watch, a Cartier ring, a Cartier pen and probably wore Cartier underpants…………..do they make underpants?

Captain Los is the great entertainer and many a Carnival executive and employee has tales of his legendary seven-hour dinners which included the funniest jokes and the occasional magic trick as well. On the night Heidi and I got engaged the Carnival Imagination was in wet dock in Miami and we shared a wonderful dinner with Angelo and his beautiful wife Elizabeth at the Chart House restaurant. We sat overlooking the water and it was indeed a special night……….one that included a dolphin making a surprise appearance.

Angelo………..he insists on being called that rather than Captain, would give you his last penny, the shirt off his back and then shave all the hair of his body and knit you a blanket if he thought it would help you.

My favorite example of his kindness came back in 1998 when we were together. We were in Cozumel and Angelo had been out for dinner when he came across a small sack lying in the gutter……….something was moving inside it………..he discovered a small puppy which some complete and utter bastardo had dumped. Captain Los is a huge animal lover and knowing that he could never just leave the dog lying in the gutter to die he took it on board breaking a few laws as he did so.

However, he didn’t care, the welfare of this living thing was too important to worry about red tape. The dog lived on board for the rest of the cruise while Angelo called the company and various agencies to tell them that he wanted to take care of the animal. He did……..and “Cozumel” as the dog was called lived for many happy years with them in their beautiful home in Port Dover, Canada. …………….That’s Captain Los……a wonderful example of why our captains are the best.

There are so many stories I could tell about this captain and I should start by telling you that he is a true man of the sea and a brilliant sailor. Anyway, he has quite a reputation for “speaking his mind” and he certainly did just that when I was a young 25-year-old cruise director onboard the Carnival Fantasy.

This is back in 1991 and we were on the bridge together getting ready to leave Miami our home port. With us was the now Chief Miami Pilot and a good friend of mine Captain John Hernandez whom on the odd occasion we see each other will automatically relive this event with me.

At the time, the Fantasy was the newest ship in the world and we always docked next to the trusted old Chandris vessel Brittanis. This is how it went…………………oh, by the way, in order to hide now retired captain’s identity, I will refer to him as Captain C ……. one more thing…………read his lines in your best Italian accent and move your right arm up and down rapidly while doing so.

CAPTAIN CARNIVAL you zeee Mr. Pilot we are ready to go

PILOT JOHN HERNANDEZ Sorry captain but the Brittanis has already let go of the ropes and is leaving

CAPTAIN CARNIVAL you zeeee Mr. Pilot, I don’t wait for that Greek piece of sh*t

Anyway, the poor chap that peed in a bush on the island of Capri is down 300 Euros. I mentioned this to my friend and co-morning show host and entertainment staff member Calvyn Champagne Martens and he just sighed and openly admitted he pees in the shower. And not just in his own shower either, other people’s showers as well, apparently.

Calvyn, you see, is a vegetablist tree hugging tofu eating friend of the earth and believes in saving water wherever possible. He told me that while he does, he sings a song “Pee in the shower! Save the rainforest.”

He followed this up by telling me that Madonna has advocated it as a cure for athlete’s foot. I’m mainly dwelling on Calvyn saying that he “tries” to refrain from doing it in other people’s showers. So if you’ve had Calvyn as a guest recently, probably best to have a quick whizz round the bathroom with the Lysol.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

P.S. Fun Times! Carnival Triumph!

Well you were all really helpful because when I got home I went to our local garden centre. From there I bought six plants as recommended by some of you. I was lucky, apparently. A delivery had just come in and they always sell out instantly. Cats find their stench so disgusting, it’s almost painful to them, the bearded vegetable loving garden center man said. Good I thought, because the smell of their turds doesn’t exactly make me break out into a rendition of “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” when I open my front door. And what do you know? When I planted them, there seemed to be an immediate pussy exodus. So thanks to all of you for your help. Heidi still wants a dog though………bugger.

Anyway, after I bought the Stinkus Buggerofcatius thingies, I needed to plant them. Ummmmm……………OK. So I called a gardener. Yes, yes I know, I am a lazy sod and employing the services of a gardener makes me sound very posh but really it isn’t.

His name is Stuart. He is a wonderful man, charming and kind and a brilliant gardener despite being a retired bank manager and a vegetabalist. After spending years behind a desk, he now spends his time stroking his beard and doing other people’s gardens/mine included. Our garden doesn’t need much because it’s basically grass and a few plant thingies. But I look at it like this. Plants and stuff seemed to survive all right for hundreds of years before we started messing about with sit on lawn mowers and leaf blowers and stupid water features of cherubs having a piss. This maybe a British thing but people’s gardens are something families spend a fortune on and some where I live are primped and trimmed like a Latvian Lap Dancer.

Heidi is the problem though. She’s Dutch and that means she loves plants and flowers and bulbs and clogs and planting bulbs in clogs. Therefore, she would be furious if I let the sun flowers grow above Gerry Cahill height. Which is why we pay Stuart to take care of all that. But whenever I tell people this, they react as if I’ve said that I use the shower curtain to wipe my arse on. Oh, God, they cry! That’s awful. You’re missing out on a sense of achievement, fresh air, soil running through your fingers. Look, the only thing running through your fingers in my garden would be a mountain of cat turds. So getting someone else to vomit in the rose bushes is money well sodding spent. Stuart comes every two weeks stays two hours, everything looks pretty and we give him £10 an hour ($18) which is a small price to pay, I think. I come home from a long hard contract on the ship and the last thing I want to do is spend time on my knees in the garden. I tried that years ago and found it as therapeutic as having my testicles placed in a vice. I’ve got nothing against nature, I’d just rather watch TV. Yes, gardens are lovely. But never more so than when you’re lying back with a Diet Coke watching someone else trim your bush.

Anyway, so far Heidi reports the cats have stayed away and are now probably crapping on some other unfortunate bugger’s doorstep and thanks to all of you for your help with this. You can expect a blog from Heidi soon, no doubt asking for your advice on how to make me remember to put the toilet seat up. Is there a plant for that as well?

Time for today’s Q and A – here we go

Brandon asked:
John,

First let me start by saying I love reading our blog and loved having you as our cruise director on my wife and my honeymoon cruise on the Carnival Conquest in April of last year.

I wanted to ask you about Carnival’s beverage policy. Specifically, why 18 year olds are not allowed to drink on board? They can party it up and drink all they want when at port but the second they walk back across that gangway they are treated like a kid again.

While I am 25 years old and this has no direct effect on me, I was just curious why Carnival doesn’t have a rule similar to those of other cruise lines where 18 and ups can drink beer and wine only. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Brandon Campbell

John says:
Hello Brandon Campbell,

Thanks for the kind words and I hope you have some wonderful memories of your honeymoon cruise. The legal drinking age in most American states is 21 and Carnival feels that we need to adhere to this law as well. Now, I had no idea that other cruise lines had an 18 year old drinking age limit but, responsibly, we feel that 21 is the right age. I hope we cruise again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

John Chapter 1 asked:
John,

I`m booked for my first cruise with your company and me and my wife and our 2 children will be on the Dream (cabin number is ****) on July 30. I was told I should come here to get a PRIVATE table not with anyone else because we follow strict religious protocols before and during meals including the singing of grace and personal testimony during the meal. I also need the waiters to understand NOT to approach the table and disturb us during this important time. I am sure this may seem a strange request to you but to us it is of high importance. We would also prefer a female waiter.

John says:
Hello John Chapter 1,

Thank you for getting in touch and I have asked the maitre d’ to make sure that you get a private table as requested. I cannot promise that we can provide a female server as rotations and service sections are pretty much set but we will indeed try our best. I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes,

John

Barbara Thomas asked:
John,

We just returned on June 12 from the Carnival Magic. What a marvelous vacation it was. Thank you for the kind wishes for my group and the thoughtful gifts. I wanted to take a moment to tell you and the beards about our wonderful dining room staff. First, Ken was the BEST maitre d’ I have sailed with, not just on my 10 cruises with Carnival, but on any cruises. Secondly, our team of Edis, Srdjan, and Gerado were excellent. Their attention to detail, pleasurable demeanor and unending efforts to ensure our dining experience was enjoyable went above and beyond our expectations. I wanted to take a moment to let you know that they are to be commended on a job well done!!!

John says:
Hello Barbara Thomas,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this and I know those mentioned will be thrilled. Ken is remarkable and the experience he gives our guests in the dining room is simply the best. I hope you had a wonderful time and hope you do so again with us soon.

Best wishes,

John

Suze asked:
Good Evening John!

First, I would like to thank you for your blog. I’ve subscribed for a few weeks and get a huge laugh out of it every time. I know everyone is discussing the smoking issue, but I’ve been wanting to ask this question, and I do so with some trepidation!!

We have sailed on the Pride three times, and are sailing again this August and again in January ’12. (We love the ship!!)

I am absolutely crazy about one of the desserts the chef makes for the buffet. It’s called “Indian Milk”. I have looked online to try to find the recipe to no avail.

I was wondering if the chef would be willing to share the recipe, as I am a hobby cook. Please use your judgement before approaching the chef, because some of them will only share a recipe after an agreement has been made that they can kill the recipient. Said recipient does not wish to be part of the soup of the day, which is why I am tip-toeing around asking for this!

Thank you so much for whatever assistance you can offer. If you think it’s a very very bad idea, then let’s drop the subject as I don’t want to put you in harm’s way either! No one wants to be confronted by an angry chef holding a cleaver!!

Thank you again!!

Suze!

John says:
Hello Suze,

I am so glad that you have found the blog and I hope it gives you much enjoyment and some useful information. I loved the way you asked for the recipe and please don’t worry as our chefs are more than happy to share. A few weeks ago, I actually published this as others were asking and here is the link to that blog. Just click on that and you will find it and I hope you enjoy cooking it at home. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and welcome to the blog thingy.

Best wishes,

John

Wendy Boroski asked:
Hi John,

We just returned from our Glory cruise on 06/05/11 and loved it. I just wanted to be sure that our waitstaff in the Golden dining room for YTD gets a nod. Our Team was Sujantana, Sudika and Ketut. They were absolutely wonderful and went out of their way in making us feel welcome. Hope you can pass this on to the powers that be.

Thanks,

Wendy

John says:
Hello Wendy Boroski,

That’s two fantastic reviews for dining staff in today’s blog and that’s great to read. I know that when those mentioned see what you have written that, they will be so happy and thank you therefore for taking the time to do so. Thanks once again and hope we see you again soon.

Best wishes,

John

Marie asked:
Hi John!

This is my second time writing to you, so hopefully my question will be answered. If not, well I’ll keep trying up until the day I cruise .
For starters, I just want to point out that although I enjoy reading your blog, I get so angry and irritated at reading some of the most pathetic, unappreciative, RUDE comments from people demanding they get this or that, and then they are even more rude to you if they don’t get what they want. I just hope this is published so people realize how RUDE and self centered they can truly be, and to work on their attitude. The world isn’t made up with a bunch of “give-me’s.”

Anyways, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

My question is that I read somewhere on a board or whatnot that the cruise sometimes does an adult themed treasure hunt or something like that. Is this true? If so, it sounds like so much fun. Will this be ship wide? My BF and I sail on the Dream 8/20. Will this be offered on this sailing? Hope so! . And John on behalf of everyone (even the ungrateful ones) Thank you for what you do!

John says:
Hello Marie,

I am so sorry I missed your question the first time around and yes, we do indeed do on some ships an event called In The Bag or as some call it Quest which I think we stole from RCI……oops. Anyway, this is a brilliantly fun event that involves bringing a bag of everyday ” stuff” to the lounge and well…………you will see from there. I hope you get to experience this when you are on your Carnival Dream. I had a quick look at their Capers …..bugger……Fun Times and they do that there. Thanks so much for being so kind and thoughtful and if you need anything before you cruise, please do let me know.

Best wishes to you and your BF (is that best friend or boy friend )?

John

Chantal Boucher asked:
Hi John,

I’m not here to debate on who’s right and who’s wrong, I would just like to convey how the new smoking policy has affected my view of Carnival and how it makes me feel as smoker (and a very courteous one at that). And to do this, I’d like to tell you a little story: I once left everything behind for a country (which shall remain nameless, as it would probably just divert the discussion), far, far away, to study language for a year. To my surprise, after a few days, I discovered that the people of this country didn’t like foreigners, subjecting me and my fellow students to everyday xenophobia and to different extents, racism. Now, coming from a very liberal and multicultural society, it was very hard for me to comprehend their reactions towards us. After a few months (4, in fact), I had to come to the realization that “they didn’t want us – the foreigners – here”. Mind you, I was definitely not the only foreigner feeling this way. I figured that if I was to feel unwelcomed for the rest of my stay, there was no reason for me to remain and spend all my money there. From that point, I booked the next flight out and was finally home after 30 hours of traveling.

This is exactly how Carnival’s (note here I didn’t use the term
“your”) new smoking policy makes me feel: unwelcomed. If I am to be treated as a second class individual, if while being on vacation I need to constantly fear I will offend someone because I light one in a permitted area, why should I continue to give Carnival my business?

You (in the general sense, not you, you can try and sugar coat this with a gazillion marketing spins, the fact and the matter remains the same: I am no longer welcome to partake in the fun.

I have a cruise booked on the Miracle next August. I will not cancel because it’s already paid in full and because I promised my mother I would take her and I would never want to let her down. But it will be my last. There are many other options besides cruising to go and discover the world, where people are more than happy to see you. This is where I will be going.

Oh and by the way, I’m French… Canadian.

John says:
Hello Chantal Boucher,

First of all, let me be very clear when I say opinions are most welcome here. They may not be ones we all agree with but they are welcome and without opinions and a good debate, the world would be an utterly boring place to live…………like France. Seriously, though, I hope that I didn’t come across as someone who was putting a “spin” on this. As a frequent (well, I used to be) cigar smoker myself, it would have been ridiculous for me not to have said that I was disappointed by the loss of the cigar bars. But this is the way of the world, isn’t it? Wherever you go, on land or at sea, the smoking ban is there and is growing each and every day. Some say that is merely part of a larger process which sees schools ban kids from running about in the school yard in case they hurt themselves. Watch your step, don’t put salt on your food, mind your head, high visibility jackets everywhere. And of course, when scientists tell us that something is potentially harmful, the lawyers prick up their ears and pretty soon the thing, whatever it is, is banned and will eventually bugger off never to be seen again. It’s weird to see smokers standing outside office buildings, huddled in groups like bad dogs being forced to smoke outside and pretty much that privilege will be gone as well. This will force many smokers to give up which some say is a brilliant thing. But hold on, why stop at smoking? I get thoroughly pissed off when I step on a piece of discarded chewing gum. So let’s ban chewing gum in public and on the ships.

But then there is the other side. Going to the Internet cafe on the Destiny, Conquest and Splendor class ships will be a lot more pleasant, and guests won’t have to wash cigarette smoke out of their clothes and hair. Asthma sufferers will finally be able to check their e-mails without fear of an attack. It would have been easy for Carnival to have banned smoking indoors altogether. But they didn’t because they realise that unlike most hotels and restaurants and resorts, that smokers still have rights too. That’s why there is on every ship a designated indoor smoking lounge with either live music or a DJ, bar service and entertainment. Plus, each ship will be upgrading their outside smoking areas as well to make it as comfortable as possible, just as we have here on the Carnival Magic.

Your story was intriguing and I am sorry that you had to endure that awful welcome in the country that you visited. However, to compare that with the warm, friendly welcome you will receive on the Carnival Miracle is simply not true. The crew will serve you and entertain you and welcome you in the friendliest and fun way as they always have done. And when you have finished a great meal and seen a great show, you can go to the lounge on Promenade deck forward and listen and dance to the four piece band and enjoy a well earned cigarette. And if you have a balcony, you can smoke there as you wish as well. I know change is hard, I am no longer allowed to smoke in guest areas and I hate it, I hate it with a passion and haven’t had a cigar since this new law came into effect. No spin here, just facts, Chantal, and the promise that you and all smokers and non smokers are welcome on our ships. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes,

John

C.H.H. asked:
John,

Off I go to RCCL where I won’t be treated like I have HIV because I smoke. You make me angry enough to want to reach down my computer and punch that big ugly fat face Mr. Ambassador. You say you represent us cruisers but then you announce this smoking ban on your ships so thanks for nothing and adiós cabeza mierda

John says:
Hello C.H.H.,

I totally understand how feelings are running high about smoking and I understand also that as the Brand Ambassador for Carnival, I am here to take the punches…………literally, if you had your way. I hope that this was written in the heat of the moment and that you have been able to calm down and see that smoking is allowed still on every ship in an indoor location. I don’t know what RCI’s smoking rules are but I would imagine that the entire industry for the most part is the same. Please have a think and if punching me in the face makes you feel better and allows you to remember that you can smoke and that Carnival still offers the best value for money cruise vacation in the world ………then I would let you do it. As long as I can kick you in the bollocks afterwards…………….kidding. I am off now to ask someone what adiós cabeza mierda means. Although I doubt it’s ” Goodbye John, I will miss your gorgeous bottom.”

Best wishes and hope we see you again soon……….I really do.

John

Mary Russo asked:
Hello John,

My father gave up smoking at 40, and then worked for 20 years with heavy smokers. Every day his silver hair was yellow when he came home but he couldn’t wash the nicotine out of his lungs. He had a lung removed when he was 70. My husband is asthmatic and I am allergic to cigarette smoke. Let smokers visit a lung cancer ward. Why didn’t Carnival ban smoking completely? Smokers are vermin!

John says:
Hello Mary Russo,

I think what we have done is something that allows non smokers to be in most areas of the ship without having to worry about being around smokers and, come December, you won’t have to worry about smelling smoke inside the cabins. I was sorry to read about your father and I send you and all your family my best wishes and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes to all.

John

Gregg Ossel asked:
John,

Never again will I cruise on a ship out from Texas. The staff were fun and courteous but the Texan passengers were jerks. They were noisy and rude and travel in packs and dress like something out of Green Acres and Petticoat Junction. My question is about smoking and the ban you have made recently. Do you know understand that you just lost thousands of customers and I am one of them.

John says:
Hello Gregg Ossel,

The smoking policy changes have I know ruffled many feathers and we all knew that this would happen. All I can do is repeat myself and say that you as a guest still have smoking options both indoor and outdoor and both in comfortable and fun surroundings. I truly hope you will take the time to really consider this before you decide to vacation elsewhere. I do understand how you feel about the smoking but as for the Texan thing, well that I simply cannot agree with. I had a brilliant four months on the Carnival Conquest and can’t wait for the Carnival Magic to sail from there. I hope we see you again on one of our ships. I am off to ask Uncle Google what Petticoat Junction and Green Acres are.

Best wishes,

John

That’s all for today………………….I have had a few comments about this Texan thing in the past months. Help a Brit out here, do some other states simply hate Texas and if so……………why?

One of the surprises for guests sailing on their Carnival Magic is Stromboli, the volcanic island. On a good day, Stromboli erupts every 15 minutes, spewing streams of glowing lava. At night the mountain becomes an inferno of sparks, smoke and occasional rumblings and the captain gets us unbelievably close. Some nights it’s as dormant as a Eunuch’s thingy and some night’s it’s Tiger Woods. Last night………..it was Tiger Woods as you will see here through the lens of the wonderful Mr. Radu Ursu.

It was a wonderful sight which the guests were of course thrilled about. Just in case you didn’t know, I have the ship’s web cam turned and pointed at the island during our passage so you can see in some part what we do.

So, it’s 2:05pm and I just got back from lunch on Lido Deck. Most of the guests are ashore in Naples and the surrounding area and I fancied a bit of Indian Tandoor so accompanied by the incomparable Calvyn, I went for a spot of lunch as today was my favourite………..buttered chicken or Tika Masala as we call it in the capital of India………..London.

Anyway, the Carnival Magic has some wonderful new outside seating areas on Lido Deck 10 aft and with the sun out, it was nice to get some fresh air. So, there I was munching on my curry and, obviously, guests recognised me. Some waved, some ignored me, some came over to say “hello” and say what a great time they were having – and one came over and was very lucky to leave without a pomperdom hanging from his bottom.

OK, I have said this before and I expect and enjoy it. Most guests though will say “excuse me” or “sorry to bother” …………not this one. He walked over and even though I had just taken a big mouthful of food, he said “Why don’t you have a card room?” As he said this, he sat down in the empty chair at our table and started talking about how Princess and Celebrity and how they had proper card rooms and bridge instructors and how dreadful the shows were and the live music. Swallowing the piece of buttered chicken and nearly choking as I did so, I apologised and explained that we did not have one but that we had the conference room which was set up with many tables suitable for card players. He then went onto spend the next 15 minutes telling me other ways that Carnival could improve by the end of which my now cold plate of congealed curry had all the appeal of Yak poo on toast. And then, suddenly, he looked at his watch and without a word he simply stood up………………and buggered off. Yes, it’s my job to listen to people and to help them and I do this as often as I can. But I think it takes a special kind of person to just sit down with no invitation or apology of interrupting a meal. It’s certainly something I would never do.

Also sailing with us this week is a chap called Benny. Benny has sailed many times before and travels with his “companion” who is here to look after him, but history tells me that I will be doing most of the looking after. Benny has what I think is called “special needs ” although these days I never quite know if this is the politically correct way of saying this.

He is in his late fifties and is a really lovely man but does tend to get very excited and I need to keep a close watch on him. You see, he likes to touch people……….not in a sinister way but more as a compliment. Now, while some guests find this ok and can handle the situation, many find it very uncomfortable. Benny also loves to take photos and always has his camera with him and takes photos of absolutely everyone.

However, there is one big concern and that is he likes to walk onto the stage and will do so during the shows and tried to do so during the Destination Unknown magic show. I have spoken to his “companion” who honestly doesn’t seem to….well……..care. And so I now have a staff member watch him at the shows ready to make sure he is gently asked to sit down rather than let him interrupt the show. Benny is a great guy, loves wearing bright colours and loves life but we have already had a few negative comments about him from other guests and I have spoken to some and apologized.

But overall, the cruise is going well despite all I have said. There are still some guests who are upset about the itinerary change and one man hates me…………simply hates me. This is the chap who I spoke about yesterday who had booked a private tour in Rome and when he tried to re-arrange it for the new arrival day was told they couldn’t help him and wanted to charge him $275 cancelation fee. I have spent some time with him as has Sabrina the guest services supervisor but he refuses to understand that we are not responsible to pay this amount. Obviously, I have to be understanding and caring and I do honestly care, but care is not something this tour operator has and if the legal beards allowed me I would print their name here. I was speaking to PA 007 who sends me so much of the early breaking news I post on Facebook. He/she said what I could not……………… “Please book your excursions through us and save yourself and us all this aggravation. It’s your vacation, you should be enjoying it and let us take care of all this stuff. The Internet shorex operators don’t give a damn about you.” And he or she is right…………why give yourself all this hassle. Things happen, things change and we are responsible and will always help you if the arrangements have been made through us. As it stands now, this man is out of pocket and he and his family still have nothing planned for Rome.

Well today I start rehearsing for the new Carnival Legends show and I am dreading it. I can’t tell you much about what I will be doing except it involves dancing………..yep……….me and dancing, two words that have as much right to go together as French and attack, Oprah Winfrey and pole dancing and John Heald and G string.

Men can’t dance. Their place is at the side of the dance floor getting drunk and laughing at the men who are trying to dance. However, thanks to programs like Dancing with the Stars, this is no longer acceptable and we will now incorporate this into our new Legends show. No real man should ever dance, however, there are three exceptions to this rule. Michael Jackson, John Travolta and Patrick Swayze. These are the only men on the entire planet ever to look brilliant on a dance floor. No man should be proud of knowing the difference between the Foxtrot and the Waltz unless you are a little bit of a Calvyn. Have you ever noticed though that the Simon Cowell of dance that is Len Goodman never actually dances himself? He criticizes other chaps prancing around in leotards and sparkly shirts but never gets up off his arse and shows them how it should be done, the lazy bastard.

Dancing is one of many things men should never do. Another is never attempt to go inside your wife’s purse. If Heidi asks me to get something from her purse, my face contorts as if she has asked me to put my hand in one of the many piles of cat shit found in my garden and then lick my fingers. I am always scared that my hand will get trapped in there in the mouth of one of those Venus Trap flower thingies and I will be slowly pulled in where my genitals will be removed by a Judge Judy look-a-like.

So I am off to Legends rehearsal and as much as I complain, it is what I am expected to do and I have to set an example for my colleagues as this new show will eventually go fleetwide. Some of the metro sexual cruise directors are going to love this and the outrageous costume they have to wear. I just tried on my “costume ” for the first time and honestly, I’ve seen gangrenous wounds that look better! Honestly……..I would rather have Stevie Wonder give me a vasectomy using only a tooth pick while a C.H.H. punches my fat ugly face. I look as sexy as a camel with explosive diarrhea.

Carnival Legends debuts here on the Carnival Magic on August 4th……………..bring a sick bag.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

So let me know who you would like to communicate with would you? Who would you like to see on Facebook? Which of our metrosexual CD’s do you want to chat with? There are oldies like me Steve Cassel and Paul Santley and the ladies of course like Risa, Jen and Stephanie. But most are the new brand of product-in-the-hair using, boy-band-looking chaps. They kiss other men on the cheek twice, they use product in their hair, they have teeth sponsored by Hollywood and stomachs flatter than a 2-year-old open can of Diet Coke. They are good looking and confident and use something called a gym to tone up their six-packs. They never say “I’m tired,” they can stay out to late at night dropping it like it is hot in the dance nightclub disco. They have Eye Pads and they buy their clothes from shops like Aberzombie and Fits. And bloody hell …… what about their names…. Todd, Ryan, Butch, Brad, Big Tex, Goose ……. sounds like the cast of sodding Top Gun? Anyway, who would you like to see on Facebook? Let me know and I will let them know ………….poor buggers!

Let’s see what today’s batch of Q and A brings to the table…………….here we go.

Flagmaster 65 Asked:
John,

I have been cruising with Carnival since 1996 when I was with you on the Destiny. I have to say my last cruise in May 7 on the Carnival Triumph was not good at all. I was leading a roll call of 45 from Cruise Critic and we were all disappointed in the dining room. We were on main sitting and chose to eat early but was angry that I could not enjoy my meal because of announcements being made to clear the dining area and for those to help out others for the next seating. We paid our cruise fare just like all the others and we should have the right to sit and relax and enjoy our coffee and dessert not be thrown out. This happened every night at 7:50 pm when the maitre d would get on the microphone and in that annoying South African accent makes it clear he wanted us to leave. I wrote to Carnival Guest Relations as did other CC members but they have not responded yet. This is not acceptable.

John Says:
Hello Flgamaster 65

I was very disappointed to read that after a long history of cruising with Carnival that you had the problems you described on the Carnival Triumph. I will say though that there is a very short amount of time between early and late dining and the staff are under a lot of pressure to prepare the tables. That’s not an excuse, it’s just a fact and obviously if people are seated there it makes it difficult for them to do so. However, it also makes it an uncomfortable experience for the guests who feel like we are rushing them. I think this is one reason why more and more people are choosing Your Time Dining as it offers a more flexible dining option for our guests. I can’t really help you any further as I don’t have your real name or cabin number in which to refer our guest services people to so if you want me to act on this further please post again using your real name or a cabin number. Until then I apologise for the inconvenience.

Best wishes
John

Mike Asked:
Hey my first cruise was on the Fantasy out of Mobile, It was actually based in New Orleans but when they closed the port cause a barge or something sank they moved it to Mobile… Anyway I think the CD on that ship was Big Tex… I can’t remember his name… Was wondering if he was still a CD or if he’s moved on… Can’t wait for my cruise on the Dream in December… The 8 day one… Wish you were on it but know you need a rest…Anyway….THANKS

MIKE

John Says:
Hello Mike.

I remember when we had to move the ship because of the barge and yes, the CD was Big Tex or Jeremy Barnes to give him his real name. He is a great CD and is currently on Carnival Triumph. You will love that special eight-day cruise on your Carnival Dream and for those who may not know what cruise Mike is referring to, here it is:

Thu, Dec, 23	Canaveral				dep @ 4pm
Fri, Dec, 24	Nassau				9am-6pm
Sat, Dec, 25	at sea				dep @ 4pm
Sun, Dec, 26	at sea
Mon, Dec, 27	Cozumel				8am-6pm
Tue, Dec, 28	Roatan				10am-6pm
Wed, Dec, 29	Belize				8am-6pm
Thu, Dec, 30	Costa Maya				7am-3pm
Fri, Dec, 31	at sea

 

What a wonderful way to celebrate Christmas and New Year. Have a brilliant time. Best wishes

John

Matt Hendry Asked:
John,

Can you get me a table for my wife and I just for the two of us. We have quite the story to tell and I won’t bore you with too many details but we got married in 1995, divorced in 2002 and are getting married the day before we cruise which is on the July 3 cruise out of New York on Glory. I was a drinking, gambling idiot back then and the fact that Lucy has given me another chance is amazing. So can I please have you get me that table so I can spend the cruise looking into her eyes and reminding myself not to mess up again?

Thank you
John

John Says:
Hello Matt Hendry

Yes of course mate. I am sure we can do this for you and have asked the maitre d to do his best to get you that table for 2. It’s not often we get a second chance like this and so I hope that this time you will stay together in love for many, many years. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes
John

Rachel mustard Asked:

Hello John,

First of all let me thank you for taking the time to read this, it would seem you’re a very busy man. Since, I am new to cruising, and still learning, if this question has been answered I’m sorry. Anyway, my family is getting ready to go on our cruise (first for all but my husband) and we have 2 boys that are 13. In looking at the schedule for the Circle C I have noticed that the meet for them is usually around 8 going till 9. I am a little upset, because we have late dining (we are coming from the west coast so this seemed like the logical choice when we booked, it’s on the dream sailing from fl.) So my question is… why would Carnival set the meet time for circle c (or any other kids program) during the late dining time???  Thank you in advance for your reply.

John Says:
Hello Rachel Mustard

I have to ask before I start…..is that really your name? If it is, that’s brilliant! Anyway, I am glad you found the blog so I can answer your question. I checked with the Carnival Dream and you are correct that the first activity is at 8:30 pm. This is a meet and greet and timed this way as most kids that age are on the early seating. However, please don’t worry. This is just the start of the night and many of the kids that go to Circle C will arrive at different times so after dinner they can go and join in the fun. This is very normal and I promise it is absolutely nothing to worry about. So 8:30 pm it starts and, with the new Night Owls program, the fun goes on until late for the kids to enjoy while you relax and have fun Mum. Please let me know if you have a follow up to this or if you have anything else you need. I promise you will have the best of times. Oh and Rachel….do you have any Grey Poupon?

Best wishes
John

Cee Gadd Asked:
John,

As a PLATINUM GUEST why does my luggage not get delivered onboard FIRST? I fly FIRST CLASS and my luggage is always off the plane first so why does CARNIVAL NOT ADOPT THE SAME POLICY? There are many OTHER CRUISE LINES that do this.

John Says:
Hello Cee Gadd

I think we offer an excellent package of benefits for our loyal Platinum guests and when, eventually, the new program is released, I know it will be even better. However, priority luggage on embarkation is a difficult thing to do as we don’t tag the bags by who has cruised with us before but by deck. Obviously, we offer priority embarkation for our guests and debarkation as well but not priority embarkation for your luggage. I had no idea other lines were doing this and I shall definitely bring this to the attention of the beards. Thank you for your loyalty.

John

John Hutzler Asked:
Hello John.

We sailed with you in May of 07 on the Freedom and we had the most amazing trip thanks to you and Ron Pass. This year we tried the newest “monster of the seas” and were VERY disappointed. I am looking to book one of the junior suites on the Breeze for the inaugural sailing June 3rd 2012. I wanted to know though if you know if you will be the CD for the Breeze. (I would assume so but assuming does not normally play out well for me) I also emailed Ron to see if he knew if he may be on board as well I hope to hear back from you all and hope to have as good of a vacation as we did in 07. Thanks and keep up the WONDERFUL job you do, you are by far the industries best CD and can’t wait to sail with you again soon.

John Hutzler,
Mobile AL
(oh and not happy about y’all leaving us here in Mobile but do understand and still can’t wait to sail again)

John Says:
Hello John Hutzler

Thanks for those very kind words and I will indeed be the CD on the Carnival Breeze and I am sure it’s safe to say there is a very good chance that Ron Pass will be there too. I am sorry that you didn’t enjoy your time on the Monster of the Seas but I have a feeling the Carnival Breeze will be a whole different story and I look forward to seeing you there. Thanks so very much for the kind words.

Best wishes
John

Susan Feuer Asked:
Dear John,

I know that you’ve set the date for the 2012 Bloggers Cruise on the Magic. It would be a lot to make our way to TX from NY so my question to you….since you’re going to be Breezing in 2013, have you considered a date to do the 2013 BC? It’s much easier to fly to and I could use this as a way to celebrate turning 60 the month before (I’ll be a young 60). Thanks for all you do! I think I’ll be going up for a poop now.

John Says:
Hello Susan Feuer

I always realise that when I pick a location for a bloggers cruise that I am going to disappoint some people and I truly wish it wasn’t so. I do hope we can see you but of course I totally understand if you cannot make it. I haven’t given any thought yet to Bloggers Cruise 6 but there is a very good chance it will be on the next new ship the Carnival Breeze. I hope you enjoyed your poop downstairs on the blog and on Facebook.

Best wishes
John

KC Ronaldi Asked:
John!

On my cruise on the Valor last week I was called to the lower decks and made to open my suitcase by security. They confiscated my three bottles of Bacardi rum and told me I could get it back on the day we get off the ship. I went to get the bottles and they gave me no box or nothing to put them in and I had already put my bags out of my room door and they were off the ship. I then had to carry 3 bottles in my hand as I had no room in my carry on. Carnival bar prices are greedy and that is why so many people smuggle and if you are going to take our booze then you should give us boxes to get it off the ship with.

John Says:
Hello KC Ronaldi

We do have very strict rules about not bringing spirits onboard and when guests ignore these rules we take the smuggled items and return them to you on embarkation day. I say this respectfully but are you serious — you want us to provide boxes for you to put your liquor that you smuggled onto the ship in? Would you like anything else, ice and lemon maybe?  I do hope you had a fun cruise and I hope that your posting was written moments after you drunk all three bottles of Bacardi.

Best wishes
John

Lexi Asked:
John-

We are thinking of moving our Elation cruise to the Liberty for Oct 22. How will the ship be will they still be working on her? Will you do the infamous meet and greet and bedtime stories? I have till mid July to make a change.

John Says:
Hello Lexi

Well I can definitely confirm I will be there. I won’t be the CD but I will be there to film and write about all the brilliant new spaces she will receive during her dry dock. I shall also be asking the CD Kirk if he can let me have a little bit of stage time to do something. It will be great to see you there and please let me know what you decide to do.

Best wishes
John

John Van Lawick Asked:
I would like to know if any cruises taken on the Spirit while she is in Australia go into my past guest tally, and if I can use my past guess number in Australian cruises.

John Says:
Hello John Van Lawick

We are very excited about the Carnival Spirit‘s trip down under and yes indeed, any cruises you take on her will count towards your Carnival loyalty program.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and we will be back tomorrow with more and of course throughout this week over on Facebook. Talking of Facebook I was asked for a recipe for a desert that we feature on our ships called Indian Milk. Well the Facebook police won’t let me post it so here it is on the blog.

(click to zoom)

So what’s happening here on the Carnival Magic? Well, we are in Civitavecchia today and yesterday while in Livorno a momentous occasion occurred. Yep, it was our first since the ship came out. Here’s what I am talking about.

From: MAGIC HOUSEKEEPING
Sent: Monday, June 26, 2011 10:05 AM
To: MAGIC HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; MAGIC HOTEL DIRECTOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Main pool closed

Good morning. Please be informed, aft pool for today is closed due to fecal accident in the pool. Thank you and best regards,

Pools & Decks Supervisor

Yep our first pool closing and because we were in port and could not fill the pool from the harbor (spelt correctly) water, it remained closed until after we sailed. My first reaction to this was that it was due to the fact that we had 800 kids on this cruise. But I was wrong. The kids were all ashore exploring Rome with their parents. It was an older, much older guest that had umm…….done a whoopsie…….poor chap. In the old days before public health and environmental rules, a deck hand would have fished the turd out with a net, thrown it overboard and everyone would have got back into the pool ….. I sort of miss those days you know.

Overall the mood onboard this cruise is excellent. This is the first cruise with a lower non-North American count and so far everyone seems to be having fun. There is only one sea day again so I am sure that this busy schedule will start to take its toll but right now it’s 2:15 pm and we only have 307 guests onboard, the rest are in Rome enjoying this amazing and incomparable city. But as much as I love Rome, it’s Naples that is my favourite.

I love the way men in Armani suits ride their mopeds without care or conviction and I love the way that it’s just accepted that men from Naples can and will stare at bottoms, every bottom whether male or female and I love the way that they drive. Yes, it’s terrifying being in a car with a Neapolitan driver and even scarier being a pedestrian. In Naples even the nuns drive like bats out of hell. I also love that whole Italian umm……oh, I don’t know the word……that Italian thing…. the laundry flapping over the streets, the obsession with style, design and looking better than everyone else, fantastic food and the whole essence of the place just makes life seem more fun.

You know, I don’t often spurt into a whole “you must buy a cruise and you must see Italy and you must come on this great ship” selling thing but as I sit here in my non-Italian non designer underpants I feel that I must. OK, you must see Italy, we have established that fact I think right? So why take a cruise? Well Italy isn’t cheap and hotel prices are pretty high and sometimes service in places in places like Venice and Rome make Fawlty Towers look like a five-star hotel.

So yes, you must see a country that’s cliffs plunging into lakes, smoldering volcanoes, soft hills rolling into the twilight as far as the eye can see, heart-stopping scenery and ancient ruins. Rome, The Vatican, The Coliseum, Naples, Pompeii, Vesuvius, Ischia and Capri, Taormina, Mount Etna, Tuscany, Pisa, and Florence are all waiting for you. All of this scenery is a must see as is watching the Italians pose and strut especially the men, who can’t pass a wing mirror on a car without stopping to admire themselves. And the greatest thing of course is at the end of a brilliant day seeing this extraordinary country, you don’t have to pack and fly. You simply walk on board your Carnival Magic, eat a plate of spaghetti at Cucina del Capitano and watch the moon drift over the sea. Have you booked yet?

OK, time to talk about something a bit more serious. It is truly amazing how one subject can lead to two massively different responses. As you may remember we were requested by a group sailing on the September 11 cruise on the Carnival Miracle to delay the departure from New York and time the sailing to coincide with the lighting of the memorial at Ground Zero to mark the 10th anniversary of that awful day. Well after some negotiation with various agencies we were able to get permission to do this which I announced here and on Facebook. Within 48 hours of me doing this, I received the following two pieces of correspondence. The first was an email sent to Gerry Cahill and other top beards.

Hello, All!

Thank you very much for all of your countless hours in putting your efforts into honoring the Cruise Critic members of CCL’s Miracle, 9/11/2011 delayed departure out of New York City. You are all wonderful people, and I am very fond of Carnival’s going above and beyond. Thanks to John Heald as well, for all his efforts in keeping us informed on the status of our request. I have been on eight cruises on Carnival, and I will continue to be an avid traveler on your cruise line.

Sincerely,

Michelle
Cruise Critic Member

Thanks Michelle for taking the time to say thank you that was very kind.

And then there was this one:

Tracey Keddie

John I am sure I won’t be voted Mrs. Popular when I say this but I do not care. Why was this decision made to leave NY later to see the lights turned on for 9/11? Does Cruise Critic really have that much control over Carnival? I have paid for my cruise and the sail away should be fun and mark the start of the vacation. Now it will all be somber and that is not what I have paid for. So count one against this plan and I bet if you asked there would be many other passengers on the Miracle who would say the same. By doing this you are reminding the world how the terrorists did what they did and doing it on my dime! It’s my cruise too and all the passengers should have been consulted not just a certain group before you made this wrong decision.

Tracey Keddie
Palmyra, New Jersey

Well, I have to say that last one really surprised me. Did it surprise you? Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do think we are doing the right thing by arranging for this to happen but I wonder if there are going to be more guests who are upset we are doing this. It’s not a date we will ever be able to forget though and as this is the 10th anniversary it is right that we pause for thought ……. isn’t it? Bloody hell, there I go second guessing myself again. Look, I think about that day every time I fly, I think many of us do and that will never change. It’s because of those bastards that I have spent many minutes of my life at airports standing in a body scanner, while a bunch of security guards snigger at the smallness of my gentleman sausage.

It’s why all of us who fly will end up with no shoes, no belt, no laptop, no toothpaste, no underarm deodorant and, now that it has demonstrated it’s possible to store explosives in the cleft of your bottom, no underpants either. And for the privilege of this humiliation, we have to stand in a line which is twice as long as the Carnival Magic. Pre-September 11, you were scanned to make sure you didn’t have an AK47 or a grenade with which you might hijack the plane, but those measures did nothing to stop those who think that by committing suicide, they’re in for a life of milk and honey and a million vestal virgins. So after September 11, 2001, we were no longer allowed to board the plane if we had a baseball bat or a pair of those small scissors we use to cut the hair out of our noses and ears. And then along came Richard Reid with his exploding Nikes, which meant we had to take off our shoes and put our hemorrhoid cream in a clear plastic bag. And then we had the Nigerian with his underpants bomb so now we have to show the security guards our thingies. And we are being asked to check in hours before the scheduled departure time so that loads of people in high visibility jackets and iron on badges can ask a lot of silly questions about if we packed the bag ourselves and examine every one of our orifices.

It was a day that changed so many people’s lives and one that none of us will or probably should ever forget. Heidi and I were aboard the Carnival Triumph, I was in the cabin, in the shower, when Heidi walked in the bathroom and said, “Think you had better get out of the shower, something terrible has happened.” My immediate thoughts were “family” and as I jumped out of the shower, I could see that my usually calm wife was ashen white. I looked at the television as like millions of others, I watched the world change.

This short stop that the Carnival Miracle is doing is designed to help people remember those who died, not the faceless cowards who I hope have found that their vestal virgins all look like a baboon’s arse …….but those whose lives they took. I know that Cruise Director Malcolm will make this a special moment and he, the captain and his crew will say and do the right things. And when it’s over, immediately when it’s over, the fun will begin again.

So Tracey please don’t worry. We didn’t do this for one specific group of people. No, we did this because we all think it’s the right thing to do and I hope that as the ship stops for a moment of reflection, just a few short minutes out of your vacation, that you will think that it’s the right thing to do as well.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

PS – Tim – If you are reading this, thanks mate for everything. We will all miss you very much.

Blogs, Facebook, Twitter are all places in which people are suddenly prepared to share anything from heartbreak, marital discord and a diagnosis of syphilis to what they would like to do to someone who was smoking on the balcony next to their cabin. Look at me, I have confided that I write in my underpants and that a recent night of passion was a huge flop because of two Teletubbies and a purple sodding dinosaur. There was heartbreak on the ship over the weekend when one of the staff members here on the Carnival Magic discovered his girlfriend who is on the Carnival Liberty had broken up with him because her Facebook page stated “Relationship: not in one.”

But where does it end? Do I reveal too much? Are those folks who write that they hate the blog and me because of its content and my style………if I have one……of writing…..are they correct?  I guess though after starting this blog back in 2007 I decided the more personally revealing the blog, the higher the number of regular readers I would have. Is there then a temptation to expose more and more of myself, like a Latvian stripper peeling of her clothes? The blog now has more than 10 million views plus 14,000 mates are with me on Facebook and more and more and especially after the whole smoking thing I realise the more I make my private life public, the more I make the decisions the beards make at Carnival, the more I seek attention in the broad a manner I do, the more I am inviting not just the fun and the kind people, but the angry and aggrieved as well.

This of course is my decision and I stand by it. I really feel that you all want to know what’s happening on the ships and at Carnival. When I first started writing I began to quickly work out that writing about a guest’s irrational behavior and complaints, coupled with an offer to help where I could, attracted more comments and got more readers than the “another happy day at Carnival and everything we do is just perfect” variety.

The trouble is that, unlike face-to face conversation, we have no idea how what I write in my blog and on Facebook and indeed the comments you post are being received. I am no Sigmund Fraud or whatever his name was and I don’t have a beard but I think it’s safe for me to say that writing on Facebook or the blog or on Cruise Critic-type opinion boards make us “braver,” more forthright than we would normally be, the better to impress our personalities on others.

I once wrote that the blog saved my job. Heidi had just given birth to Kye and it was my first time away from them both. Until Kye was born I never realised I could love something so much as I love my daughter and missing her and Heidi ate at my soul. I would return to the cabin after a show and sit there with nobody to talk to and my girls thousands of miles away. The blog though helped me so much and when I am away from them it still does. have. Quite simply blogging and now Facebooking for me is quite simply……. the silent way to ensure staying sane sometimes. It can though take over if I let it. Last night I had to talk to a guest who was upset about one of the numbers in the Groove Line production show. It features a tribute to the brilliant Jackson 5 and has 4 lifelike puppets and………you know what I am not going to bother explaining anymore except to say that it’s the most popular number in the show and the surprise at the end is always greeted with huge applause and much laughter. Anyway, one couple didn’t like it and demanded to see me. And as I stood with them in the lobby listening to them shout and scream and make ridiculous accusations, all I could think about was not what can I say to make these guests happy and understand we meant no offence, but rather what a bloody brilliant story this is going to make for the blog. And that is so wrong.

So I guess this waffling is a way for me to say thank you for the feedback you gave me and the beards last week. There were hundreds of comments on the blog and many many more on Facebook. Your feedback regardless of whether you like or dislike what Carnival does and what I and other sat is vital. Feedback is what keeps you in touch with Carnival and Carnival in touch with you. Although there were times during the New York release and the smoking debate that I would have happily said “bugger this.” But here I am, still blogging and ready to answer your questions in my underpants once again……….let’s crack on shall we?

Helen Lane Asked:
We are going on Magic in August 2011. Are there any treadmills or other cardiovascular machines on the ship? There seems to be a running circuit which people will probably walk across and hot. Please reply, thanks.

John Says:
Hello Helen Lane

Asking me about what equipment is in the gym is like asking the Pope for a lap-dancing club recommendation. Luckily I know people and they tell me there are in fact 11 treadmills in the huge gym on deck 11 forward as well as other equipment that I have never seen. Seriously Helen the gym here is amazing and we have an outdoor gym as well on the SportSquare. I will see you very soon and if you have any other fitness questions please ask me.

Best wishes
John

Anthony Mecchi Asked:
John,I would like to do something special for my wife of 25 years, she has had a tough last year as I have been busy at work and this is our first vacation since January!  We will be on the Destiny on July 2nd and the day we are in the Grand Cayman islands will be the anniversary day. I think it would be great that when she returned she would find the cabin we are in which 2367 decorated and some champagne and anything else you can think of. My other question is that I have booked a tour of the stingray swim centre and it’s not with Carnival. The tour says we have to meet on the island at 8:00am so I need to be the first off the ship so that will need to be arranged. Do you do that or do I do that on the ship. This is our first Carnival cruise and we are very excited. I also want a table for 2 so it’s extra special and can you confirm by e mail so I know this has all been arranged.

A.M. Mechi CPA
New York, New York.

John Says:
Hello Anthony Mecchi

I am also excited that you are taking your first cruise with us and I know that you will have a brilliant time. We can certainly decorate your state room for you and this though will have to be pre arranged and paid for by you through www.carnival.com/bonvoyage. There are loads of anniversary options and among them is the one where while you are ashore the crew will decorate your cabin. I will also make sure that I send her something from me. As regards the tendering ashore in Grand Cayman. Well the ship arrives at 8 am and the first tender is at around 8:10 am so that will be fine for you to be on and full instructions will be given by the cruise director and written in your on board program called the Fun Times. I would advise the people you are touring with that you won’t be ashore on the pier until 8:30am. That would be my advice. Have a great time and a happy anniversary cruise.

Best wishes
John

Bret McKee Asked:
Hey John

Where can I find a 2011-2012 CD assignments? We are booked on the Triumph in September and are curious who our CD will be on that cruise. Thank you

Bret

John Says:
Hello Brett

There is a list at the bottom of this blog thingy. Down there……all the way down……at the bottom ……..no, the other bottom…..there…….. yep under JOHN’S HELP DESK…..now click on that ….. that’s right and there you go. As you will see your CD will be the one and only Big Tex or as it says there “Jeremy Mayes” which is the name nobody calls him. He is a great chap and you will have loads of fun with him I promise. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes
John

Sue H Asked:
John,

I really love your blog and read it every morning with my coffee and it brings me much laughter for which I thank you. There hasn’t been much laughter in my life recently since I lost my son in Afghanistan in 2009 and I still miss him very much of course. The reason I am telling you this is because I found a photo of him and you from a cruise we did on the Triumph in 2001. Joshua was 14 then and you and the captain had a photo taken with him on dress up night. I have finally gotten around to making his scrapbook and needed to ask you if you could find out the name of the Captain. We cruised in June of 2001. I know this may seem trivial but it would mean so much to me if I could write under the photo his name along with yours and Joshua’s. Thanks so much for this John. Joshua enjoyed two cruises with Carnival and we always talked about you and your shows which he laughed so much at like his Mom is doing sometimes with your blog.

John Says:
Hello Sue H

Oh, Sue. My heart is so heavy after reading that extraordinary post and I wish so much that I was there with you to give you a big hug and to sit and listen to you talk about your son and how very proud you must be of him. I did some research and in June 2001 the master of the Carnival Triumph was Angelo Los who is a great friend of mine and with whom I will share this with. If you can think of anything else that you might need, please do let me know and on behalf of the many thousands of readers of this blog may I say that we are thinking of you and your family and of Joshua who will all remember in our thoughts and prayers tonight.

John

Jim Ashmead Asked:
Dear John,

Our Cruise Critic Roll Call would like to have a Meet and Greet at 3:00 before our September 16 sailing of the Carnival Magic. We were wondering if the Red Frog would be a good place to have it. From the pictures I have seen, it does look like it could handle the regular customers plus our group of 100 or so.  If not, we could always spill out to The Lanai with our group.  Do you think this would work out for us?  Or do you have any other suggestion that might work out better?

Jim

John Says:
Hello Jim

We have had 2 Cruise Critic roll call meeting thingies in the RedFrog pub recently and both have been excellent and well attended. The RedFrog has a brilliant atmosphere and I think it’s a great first meeting point for you all and more than big enough. My only comment is that we have an orientation talk at 3:30 pm which covers the gangways, documentation and arrival/departure times etc as well as some things to do and not to do. Now this maybe something you may not be interested in and if not then 3 pm is fine or you can move to 2:30 pm if you wish. Either way we have plenty of time so have a chat with your group and let me know here or on Facebook. I will see you all soon.

Best wishes
John

Janey – OKGIRL Asked:
John (Please Reply),

I just saw the new ship pin being passed out on the Carnival Magic to Platinum guests…….how disappointing that they don’t have the ship name but only say “CARNIVAL PLATINUM.” Not really too thrilled with the change……….I guess they will go in the box with the 20 picture frames and 6 coolers that I already have… But to my question……Is there any chance that the beards will rethink this design and return us to the pins that have the actual ship name on them? Thanks in advance for your reply.

John Says:
Hello Janey – OKGIRL

Could not agree with you more Janey. The new generic, non-ship-specific pin is not what we should be handing out and I apologise that we are. Now, there are plans for a new pin. It is far more of a collector’s item and will be ship specific and will also represent Platinum status. These are being made this year and will be ready when we launch the new loyalty program in 2029 …… kidding. I say 2029 only because I have been promising details on this for a long time now but the beards will not be launching it until early next year when amongst other brilliant things will be the new pin. So please forgive the current one which is being used until the new one arrives.

Best wishes and thanks so much for your loyalty
John

Aleja Asked:
Today your blog had a comment from someone who cruised with Carnival on a boat from Miami and the family did not understand anything as they spoke no English. I had a similar experience when I went on the ship for my Quinceañera, cruise for my sister’s birthday last year on the Valor. We were a group of 280 Cuban Americans who had older people with us who did not speak English yet the ship people made no effort to speak Spanish. The older generation does not speak any English and if Carnival advertises in Miami and cruises from Miami then some shows, some information must be given in Spanish. Hispanics now make up about 60 percent of Miami’s population. Please do more and you will get more business from Miami people. These are my observations.

John Says:
Hello Aleja

First of all I have attended many Quinceanera celebrations on the ships and they are truly beautiful ceremonies that show the proud sense of family tradition that is embedded in the Cuban culture. I do realise that each and every week on all our ships that we carry guests of many nationalities, some of whom may not speak English. While we do provide translated dinner menus and Fun Times, the language spoken on the ship is English and all the shows, announcements, etc. are made as such. I do hope you had a great time and your sister I am sure looked stunning in her white dress. Best wishes

John

Andrew Slater Asked:
John…

I have been reading on Cruise Critic about how drills for lifeboat muster have become really unorganized and that hundreds of passengers do not attend and the crew does nothing about it not enforcing them to attend, letting people walk away, and even allowing talking and drinking at the muster stations. This if true is a serious matter and must be addressed.

John Says:
Hello Andrew Slater

Please allow me to forge the pleasantries and cut right to the chase. The suggestion that we are diminishing the level of importance we place in the drill is also far from the truth.  Simply put, we must take the drills seriously because if we don’t our ships wouldn’t sail…..period. That’s because the drills are held within the requirements of United States Coast Guard regulations. All the guest staterooms are checked by the stateroom stewards as are the balconies, behind the shower curtains and they even look under the bed and in the safe to make sure nobody is hiding.  The security staff will walk the lounges and open decks making sure everyone goes and we stop all bar service and all activities until the drill is over. Guest safety is still our priority before anything else and if any crew member was ever found not making that so he or she would be in very deep trouble. I can honestly say that in my 24 years at sea the training all the crew receive regarding guest and personal safety has never been greater. However I will say this. If anyone feels that while they were at the drill that there were ways we could improve it please let us know immediately because as I said……the safety of our guests is absolutely our number one goal.

Best Wishes
John

Rochelle Washington Asked:
Can you tell me who the comedians will be at the Punchliner comedy shows for our cruise on June 23rd. we were on the Fascination last year and the comedians were really funny. Our favorite was Percy Cruise and we were hoping he would be there.

Thanks
John

John Says:
Hello Rochelle Washington

Percy Crews is indeed one of our funniest comedians and the Punchliner comedy club has been a massive success for sure right across the fleet. Here is the line up for your cruise and you once again have 2 very funny comedians.

 

Thu, Jun, 23	Canaveral	Welcome Aboard Show	Michael Macy / Allyn Ball
Fri, Jun, 24	Nassau	Curves	Deck Party
Sat, Jun, 25	at sea	Far From Over	Michael Macy / Allyn Ball

 

Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today.

Well you nearly didn’t get a blog today because this morning, June 20, 2011 my Dell computer woke up and decided it was bored and that it would piss me off. I sat here at 6:40am, in my underpants and turned Mr. Dell on and……nothing. All I got was a blue screen. No annoying chiming tone as windows loaded. Nothing. My screen was as empty and devoid of life as Bath and Body works shop in Paris.

I think I have mentioned here in this blog thingy of ours once or twice about the people who work on ships who never get the praise they deserve. The nurses and the doctors for example or how about the dishwashers and Ketut who is as we speak trying to coax a pair of my underpants into the laundry bag with one of those snake catching sticks. These are true cruise ship heroes and they deserve a lot of credit.

But what about the IS people or the IT people or the Geek Squad as we sometimes call them ……. out of ear shot, of course. Well you have a blog today because my computer which apparently had more viruses than the National Convention of Prostitutes was saved by I/S Manager John and his team whom I wanted to thank sincerely for all the work he and his team have done and will do here on the Carnival Magic.

Here they are

Back:
Miroslav Kljuskovic (Asst. I/S Manager), Katharina Jauch (I/S Fleet Supervisor), John Staker (Sr. I/S Manager)

Front Row:
Sheldon King (Asst. I/S Manager)

Ketut is now standing over my underpants, in a face mask, swearing at them in Indonesian.

Last cruise we had lots of Russians which means we had lots of line pushing and nipple tassels. This week we have lots of British which means we have lots of pleases and thank yous. So many British people are now sailing with Carnival. They love the food, the spectacular entertainment and the value, of course, given the US dollar is weaker than non-alcoholic beer to the pound, meaning they have money left over to buy T-shirts that show where they have been. British people love to show off where they have been on holiday and will wear T-shirts with Carnival Magic and Barcelona and Dubrovnik on them with great pride and…..to show off to their friends the Smythe-Jones.  People love the British tourist. We are polite, sun burnt, non-complaining tourists and nobody loves us more than the Americans.

Now I know the following does not apply to any of my friends reading this blog but there are some people who still think of us in a fairy stereotypical way. We all wear bowler hats to work ……that’s if we can get to work with all that fog ………it rains every day (that one may be true) and that at 3 pm every day the entire nation stops to have a cup of tea and eat cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. If only that were true and it wasn’t in fact a country where binge drinking is a national sport, David and Victoria Beckham are worshipped as gods and where parts of our cities are only safe to walk around at night if you have hired a tank.  I want to clarify something and ask your opinion on this but first …………. here’s why.

LIDO SERVICE

Guest approached me on Lido during breakfast to comment on the bacon service. Guest said he should be able to serve bacon himself because he likes to choose himself which piece. Guest was very upset and so I allowed him to point out what he wanted. Guest told me that he was very unhappy that bacon was rationed and guests could not have as much as they wanted.

This is an old story isn’t it and I like the guest, love to choose the crispy bits, the bits that look good. But of course he cannot because we serve it to our guests. We don’t ration it though. Ask for as much extra as you feel you want. The reason we serve bacon this way is to keep food waste down.  For some reason it’s the bacon that most people take huge shovelfuls of, yet eat only a small percentage. They don’t do this with eggs, sausage, ham or the prunes even. It’s just the bacon. The server will give you two pieces…..if you want more……just ask……the server will then give you two more pieces …….. if you want more……..the server will give you two more pieces……if you want more…….. the server will smack you over the head with the tongs and tell you to go to the gym. So then bloggers my question to you is……….does this really bother you. Should this be on my list of things to bring to the beards attention? Please let me know.

Now every now and then a something will happen on the ship that I report here on the blog and when I do I know that as I sit here typing it at least half of you will think I am making this up, that’s its fiction. And if I was on the other side of this blog there would be times that I would say “Bollocks, the fat man is making this up………surely.” But you can’t make stuff like this up. Nope ………this is real life…….. real Carnival life.

So yesterday, like today we were in Venice and in each port of call we have a port agent, which is basically a company that that takes care of our needs. They are our liaison with local authorities and provide various transportation, medical and other assistance as and when we need it. We publish the agency number in the Carnival Capers because if……oh FFS…….the Fun Times so that if guests are in real trouble and need urgent help they can call. We explain that this number is to be used only in an emergency.

So we all know that Venice is a city on the water connected by canals and alleys and it can all be a bit confusing. Lost tourists are a familiar sight in Venice. You see them blocking the bridges eyebrows knitted over maps that Stephen Hawking would find difficult to comprehend. But eventually they find their way back to St. Marks Square and back to the ship. But yesterday, a middle aged couple from Illinois called our ship agent using the emergency phone number. The agent Anna answered and the call went like this

Anna                           “Ci”

Mr and Mrs. Illinois    “We are lost in the alleys. My wife is frightened. Please come find us.”

And then he added the most wonderful line that defies belief, because he said…….”Can you hurry up as we have a reservation at the steakhouse at 7 pm.”

The sheer audacity of the “hurry up so we don’t miss dinner” is what makes this comment so brilliant. Anna did not go and get them but she talked them out of the area where they were and onto the water front so they could catch a Vaparetto. It would be nice in closing to say they gave her a warm thank you, came back to the ship and laughed about getting lost in Venice over a porterhouse. But they didn’t. They went straight to the guest services desk and said this:

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Sunday, June 19, 2011 6:58 PM
To: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER
Cc: MAGIC HOTEL DIRECTOR; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Unhappy about instructions in Venice

Good evening everyone,

I just would like to pass along the comments received by guests in stateroom______ as she was quite upset. She stated that no information was given about directions so she and her husband got lost and had to call for help. Guest said the lady on the phone would not come and get them and they had to listen to her on the phone to get back. People they asked on their way did not know the direction or did not speak English. Mrs. ____says Carnival should have crew members around Venice stationed to help lost guests. Guest is demanding refund of call she had to make from her cell phone which she said her US phone company says is $54. Thank you and best regards.

So to return to the top of today’s blog, there are times when I think to myself why keep going, why put myself in the firing line as happened last week. Yes, one of the reasons I keep going is that the feedback you give me which I give the beards is invaluable. But there is another reason ………..and it’s stories like the two guests that got lost in Venice and who blame us for doing so. That’s the reason I keep writing and hopefully that’s one of the reasons why you will keep reading.

Goodnight

Your friend
John