So we went shopping and at a Walmartish-type of shop, I loaded the cart with bits and pieces having worked out that I would spend five pounds per kid which considering there are 18 kids coming equals………oh bugger……..where is the sodding calculator…….well, anyway, it equals a s**t load of money. As I loaded the sticker books and candy into the cart, I caught my wife looking uncomfortable. “Will that be enough?” she said. Enough, are you kidding? When I was a kid and we went to a another kids party we got bugger all except a bowl of ice cream and balloon animal that — regardless of what the parent who had made it said — did not look like a poodle or a giraffe but a thingy. “Yes,” said Heidi, “but Kye had just been to a children’s party where each kid got a Princess dress with matching shoes and handbag from the Disney store.”

Maybe this is what kids expect now and it was only because my arms were full of Peppa Pig stickers and lollipops, I did not lie down right there in the store and have a nervous breakdown.
I am not sure how it is where you live, dear bloggers, but children’s parties have become a stage for ridiculous spending and a contest to see who can throw the best. A friend of mine lives on a posh island in Miami where kids are flown by private plane to an island in the Bahamas for their birthday and where Justin Beaver is paid millions to sing Happy Birthday to a seven-year-old. But I don’t live in Miami but in a little town in Essex but even there it’s bloody ridiculous. I know one parent who spent loads of cash on a Willy Wonka party for 30 children where so much chocolate was served that many of the kids left the party as diabetics. What will these parents do when their children reach 21, charter a cruise ship and fill it with Latvian lap dancers? Anyway, Kye and friends will have food, cheap bags of candy and a huge bouncy Peppa Pig thingy I have hired in the garden. And before you think I am being cheap here, let me tell you I am not because each and every one of Kye’s friends will all get something no other parent in Essex can match. Yep, they are all getting a Carnival Breeze solid gold plastic ship on a stick.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Andy asked:
John

I am the husband of Marivonne Diaz. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making her crash cruise of the BC5 such a Magical time (pun intended). She had such a wonderful time meeting you and talks about you every day. Sorry I was unable to meet you as well, even though I tried on two bookings, but when she was talking to her fellow Cuzins I just had to give her my blessing to go without me. Maybe the next time I will get the pleasure of meeting you, as well. Again, THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Andy

There is absolutely no need to thank me as it was a true privilege to meet your wonderful wife on Bloggers Cruise 5. I truly hope we will meet one day too and enjoy some Carnival fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Jeanette Politti asked:
John,

One of the reasons we cruise Carnival seven times in four years is because of the bang we get for our buck but the food in the MDR has taken a dive I think and there have been multiple comments on Cruise Critic too about this. What’s going on, big guy?

John says:
Hello Jeanetee Politti

I am glad you appreciate the value for money and I have noted your comment about your opinion of the food we serve in the dining room although it took me a few minutes to work out what MDR meant. The most recent menu has been met with mostly excellent comments as shown on the cards we receive from those guests who are sent one. Most of our new dining options, from Guy’s burgers and Cantina to the Taste Bar and Punchliner Brunch — are completely free of charge – and illustrates the brilliant value for money Carnival provides.
Best wishes.

John

Amy Salvage asked:
John,

My husband and I just took a seven-day cruise this past February 27 on Carnival Magic and had a wonderful experience. As first time cruisers, we enjoyed it immensely. So much that we have already booked another cruise on the Carnival Triumph this coming October 22. We really enjoyed the shows and the Carnival Magic dancers were awesome! All the crew members (employees) whether they were in the buffet areas, or tidying up the cabins or doing maintenance work on the decks, EVERYONE was so very pleasant and helpful. We never encountered an unhappy attitude with any of them. I’m wondering if you will possibly be on the Carnival Triumph in October. If not, then I hope there will be a cruise director as good as you. We enjoyed your talent and hope to actually meet you face to face on one of our future cruises. We are definitely hooked.

John says:
Hello Amy Savage

It’s a joy to read that as first time cruisers you had such a brilliant time that you are “hooked” and this is of course thanks to the brilliant crew of the Carnival Magic. I will make sure that they see your words of praise and that we will indeed see you again soon. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Thanks for the great post.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kris Marek asked:

I am in strong agreement with the person who wrote that the workers limited English skills has a negative effect on the cruise experience. Case in point was the bar servers in the bars on Carnival Liberty who never once understood my drink orders and who were rude. There were no genuinely informative lectures about the upcoming ports of call (or anything else), and we found that disappointing. Frequently, several activities were scheduled at the same time, or very nearly so, and we had to choose among several attractive-sounding options at the same time which is ridiculous planning. Finally and for reasons we never understood, dinner was interrupted at least once almost every night by bursts of (very loud) music and waiters dancing on serving tables. I think this was supposed to be fun but it was not! There were some good points. The cabin boy was attentive and friendly and the food choice on the lido deck was very good but the lack of English skills and poor planning of activities and that awful loud music in the dining room are areas Carnival will need to improve on if they want to be successful.

John says:
Hello Kris Marek

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and I am glad to see that you had some good points. I know that many of our crew have accents, myself included, but we all speak English and indeed have to pass a test in order to work in guest areas. This is why I am so surprised about your comment regarding the bar staff but I will pass this onto the ship’s management. It was also interesting to read your comments about the dining room because recently here and on Facebook we discussed this and there were many hundreds of comments posted with the vast majority saying they liked the fun atmosphere the music and dances that the servers perform. However, it is not for everyone, so please let me apologise for the disruption it caused in your dining experience. I am glad the gentleman who took care of your stateroom was a highlight and the stateroom steward as his position is called is a fine example of our brilliant crew. I do hope you had fun and that we will see you again and I have as I said, sent your review to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Clarice Hudson asked:
Hi John,

I feel so privileged to have met you on the Carnival Splendor. I just got off the Carnival Inspiration yesterday with my daughter and three grandchildren. I took them on a cruise for their spring break, along with many other families on board for the same reasons. I was surprised that there was no comment cards handed out on this cruise. I wanted to let you know we absolutely loved CD Matt and Assistant CD Weezie. They were so good at recognizing the kids as we walked about the ship and at the shows. Also loved “Buttercup,” Clair and Nick, as well. I can’t remember our waiter’s name at dinner or the drink server who always remembered what the kids wanted to drink and always brought them with extra cherries (until the ship ran out of cherries on the last night). I will say I was a little disappointed with the room staff who never introduced themselves like others have done on my other cruises. As for the shore excursions, we did have a good time. We were shorted one ticked on the first excursion when they were delivered to my room and had to go ashore and get it worked out. The beach party in Rosorita was a little disappointing in that the Rock Wall was broken and the kids really wanted to try it…..but all in all even though the weather was cold, they all had a good time….grandma had to come home to get sleep and rest up, but I wouldn’t have traded the time we had together on this trip for anything.

Thank you to all the staff for a wonderful spring break trip.

Clarice

John says:
Hello Clarice

I can see from your post that grandma did indeed need a rest after that very active cruise and thank you for telling me all about your adventures. I will make sure that the ship takes note of your comments including reminding the stateroom stewards to introduce themselves to the guests. I think your grandchildren are so very lucky to have grandma take them on a cruise and I hope you are rested and ready to do it all again very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful review.

Best wishes to you all.

John

The Igbinedion Family Group asked:

Why are there so few black performers in your shows? I say this based on my last cruise on your ship Carnival Liberty there were no black dancers and all the comedians were white. I hope there is a good explanation for this but it left me and my party with a bad taste in my mouth. Why does Carnival not employ black entertainers?

John says:
Hello Igbinedion Family Group

First of all, I do hope that you had a great cruise and secondly I am glad you wrote to me regarding this as there is indeed a simple explanation. The dancers are hired based on talent and that is all and we can only choose from who attends the auditions we hold. We have 200 plus dancers and singers working across the fleet and boast a diverse cast on our 23 (soon to be 24) ships. I can tell you that here on the Carnival Breeze our dance captain and one of the best dancers I have ever seen is indeed African-American as is the lead male singer. As for the comedians, well, again, they are scheduled according to availability and, of course, their talent and had you been on another ship that week you may have seen Happy Cole, Percy Cruise, Dean Gaines or one of our many African-American comedians who work for us. So thanks again for taking the time to write and hopefully my explanation has helped you all understand and I hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Annette Zgeb asked:
Dear John,

In 2009 my husband and I were on the Carnival Splendor for a back to back to back South America cruise. It was seven weeks and it was awesome. One of the “speakers” was a naturalist named Dirk Yonkerman. He was fantastic, knowledgeable, interesting, charming and just plain nice. February 2013 we are fortunate to be on the Carnival Splendor again for another back to back to back cruise, this time going the opposite direction. Would it be possible to find out if Dirk will be on this cruise again?

John says:
Hello Annette Zgeb

What a fantastic voyage that was and I see you are doing this again and that is just brilliant. I remember getting so many great comments about Dirk so, yes, indeed, I will make sure that I send this to the beards and ask that they give serious consideration to doing this again. I will keep you informed as to what is happening and wish you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Big Duck asked:
Heald,

Can you tell me how many hours the crew work each day. A friend of mine said that they work 15 hours a day, seven days a week, which, if true, is DISGUSTING!

John says:
Hello Big Duck

I am afraid whoever told you this is quackers….sorry…..silly duck joke there. Seriously, though, it is not true. The crew’s working hours are strictly regulated and are recorded on a clock-in/ clock-out system we call Fun Time. These hours are strictly monitored by management on board and shoreside and are also looked at by U.S. Coast Guard, as well. The crew work hard, that is for sure but no crew member works 15 hours a day that I can assure you.

Best wishes.

John

Marshann Johnson asked:

My son and I are planning on buying the excursion to swim with the dolphins in the Bahamas. My husband is not going to do it. Is there a fee for him to watch?

John says:
Hello Marshann Johnson

Yes indeed, he will be able to go and watch you swim with these beautiful animals. If he decided to go on the excursion with you there will be a small fee for transportation but that is all. I hope you have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have fun.

John

Tracey Flynn asked:
John,

I want to give a shout out to the staff in the RedFrog Pub on Carnival Magic. They rocked and deserve a big raise. Please tell the beards. Love the blog and Facebook updates and love Carnival

John says:
Hello Tracey Flynn

I love this post and I will indeed make sure that your praise for those in the RedFrog is heard loud and proud. I hope we see you again soon and I hope also you continue to enjoy the blog and Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

And on that excellent note, so ends the Q and A for now.

So, let’s talk Italian food, shall we? Obviously I have been privileged to travel to many parts of Italy with the various ships and being in the shipyards and eating with Italian captains in their dining rooms on board has given me a wonderful insight to their culture and their food. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Italian cookery, though. Two reasons why. First of all, there is the pasta which when you are trying to lose weight and when you are diabetic and need to control carbs, Italian food is not your best mate. The second reason I am not a fan is garlic. I hate garlic. I would rather eat a dead hamster that has been marinated in my underpants for a month than eat anything with garlic in it or on it.

Now I can see some of you bloggers sitting there, in your underpants, saying, “John, you are an idiot, garlic is wonderful.” No…..it’s not….it’s revolting. Not just the taste…..but the smell. Bugger me, the smell. Try coming onto the bridge of the Carnival Breeze early in the morning and have the captain talk to you inches from your face after eating a huge dish of pasta de soddinggarlico the night before. I’d rather have H82Seaugo serve me a plate of skunk scrotum while dressed as Cleopatra than eat anything with garlic in it.

But I am in the minority and most people I know love Italian food and if I didn’t have a beach ball living in my stomach, then I would love it too and I would therefore be able to eat at the best Italian restaurant on the seven seas…….Cucina del Capitano. Already a huge success on the Carnival Magic, the Cucina will be featured here on Carnival Breeze, as well. For those who are not familiar with this concept, let me explain. At lunchtime the restaurant serves the finest pasta at no extra charge but it is at night when the Cucina really comes alive. Now the idea of this is not just to serve the best Italian food and the most absolutely ridiculous price anywhere — $12 for adults and $5 for kids aged 11 and under — but for you to sit around the table and eat it family style. And that just doesn’t mean that we will serve the pasta in big steaming bowls, no, it means that if you are the Cahill family from Florida, you get to dine with the Berlusconi family from Naples. Let’s have a look at the menu that we will serve here on the Carnival Breeze. There are a few changes with the biggest being that we have a new signature dish here chosen by the master of the Carnival Breeze, Captain Vincenzo Alcaras. So have a look but I do not advise you to do so on an empty stomach.

Click to zoom in

What would you have?

And now let’s remind ourselves about the menu on the Carnival Magic:

Click to zoom in

So now what would you have? Oh, and don’t forget the Chianti cart that serves the perfect wine to complement your $12 feast…did I mention it was only $12?

So here is a bit of news for you. Starting today, we are going to take direct reservations for the Cucina del Capitano on the Carnival Magic and I will explain how in a moment. Once the restaurant is up and running here on the Carnival Breeze, we will take reservations also but I have been asked by the chef to wait a few days into service before we do this so I am afraid we won’t be able to do it for the first cruise and reservations will have to be made on board.

To make reservations for this un-missable restaurant please can you e mail MCCUCINA@carnival.com. Please keep the email simple and only include the following information.

Name
Cabin #
Number of guests for dinner
Preferred Time for dining

Payment will be on board after you’ve dined.

And that’s it – so easy to make a reservation at the brilliant Cucina del Capitano.

Now allowing you to email the ship directly is a big change for us but I have been asked to let you know that the hostess will not be able to take The Chef’s Table or steakhouse reservations, only Cucina del Capitano reservations and those for now must be done online via my blog please. But the hostess will reply with confirmation for your Cucina reservation and we will do the same as I mentioned for the Carnival Breeze soon.

What I love about Cucina is that you get exactly what you order. Let me explain what I mean by that. These days, posh restaurants serve food where everything tastes and looks like something else. You order lamb because you like lamb. But at places with Michelin stars and full of pop stars your lamb arrives at the table in wrapped in banana leaves so now my lamb tastes like a sodding fruit basket. Cucina has everything, food that tastes exactly as you would expect, except even better. Brilliant unbeatable value for money and entertainment, as well, which I won’t spoil the surprise about. Food is a big part of what makes the Cucina a brilliant dining experience great but so also is the sense of family it creates while you eat there.

So here I am in Italy once more, a country united by language and religion and divided by almost everything else. You know, Italians often sound as if they’re having a vicious argument, even when they’re discussing soccer, cars or rumpy pumpy. Yet these arguments are not really arguments, they are conversations spoken passionately and with arms waving around like a demented traffic cop. Through my exposure to Italians cruising to Italian ports and eating with captains and chief engineers (and, of course, getting ships ready in Italian shipyards), I have learned that they will never agree about food. Sicily, for example, has a cuisine completely different from Naples but it’s far more complicated than that. I remember one of my great friends Captain Angelo Los telling me once that in his small home town near Genoa one family will make its pasta completely differently to the pasta a mile down the road. Individual families have recipes they guard and swear by more than Colonel Sanders does.

The only other thing that unites all Italians is the total belief that there is no edible Italian food outside of Italy……..but in the case ofCucina del Capitano………..they are absolutely wrong.

Bona Note.

Your friend,

John

These buggers made my life boring. I am not a violent man but when I am bored I find myself thinking about doing bad things to Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit with a chainsaw. Why is the fat bloke talking about boredom I hear you cry? Surely he is too busy with the new ship and the blog and Facebook and www.Latvianwomeninsuspenders.com and stuffing his face with pasta, isn’t he?

Well yes, for the most part you would be right but not yesterday. Carnival Breeze is on sea trials, the yard office is closed and the young entertainment staff and Calvyn all decided to go to a club on Saturday night and on Sunday they took the train to Venice leaving me all on my own and bored out of my sodding mind.

Monfalcone is a lovely little town and I really tried to think of something to do but having been here many times, I knew there would be bugger all apart from eating and shopping. Now I could have gone to the art gallery but that would have taken my boredom to a whole new level. You see, with the greatest respect to those who love art, I would rather have someone pump gas into the crack of my arse and then have H82seaugo set it on fire then go to an art gallery. Once, when I was an idiot, I went to Paris with the young lady I was dating at the time who insisted we go to see the Mona Lisathingy at the Louvre. So we took the tour of the gallery where a French guide spoke for 45 minutes about her sodding smile. He knew everything about the painting but bugger all about deodorant. I think that the Mona Lisa is covered by bullet proof glass to stop people like me who are bored out their minds taking a knife to it just to stop Pierre the tour guide from endlessly talking about it. And I’m sorry but I think a painting of Megan Fox’s bottom is far better than anything Leonardo Da Vinci ever did. OK, time to stop talking about being bored and time to crack on with some Q and A………..off we go.

Debbie Chisora asked:

Perhaps you should listen to Dave C and his offer to help you John. I was on the cruise with you in the Baltic on the Carnival Splendor and you were carrying a lot of extra weight and at times your appearance did not IMHO come up to the expectations of the passengers. My daughter had a recurring weight problem and thanks to Bonita Fat Burner pills which has 100% natural herbal ingredients so it’s perfectly safe for your body to take. This miracle pill has taken my daughter’s weight from 375 pounds to 280 pounds in just nine months and I think you should consider this John, again IMHO. The other reason I am writing to your blog is to tell you that we will be with you on the Carnival Breeze on the September 7 cruise from Barcelona. Our last cruise on Carnival Dream we had a big problem with dinner as my husband and I who are in our late 50s and our daughter were sat with two other couples both in their 20s. Come on Carnival, how does that make sense? Well, after the first day we demanded to be moved and were given a table just for us three which we much prefer and that’s what we would want again, a private table for the three of us. I hope this can be arranged and I will bring you some of the Bonita Fat Burner pills and maybe you can speak to Dayna my daughter about how it has helped her. Thank you John and please watch your weight. Booking #******

John says:
Hello Debbie Chisora

Thanks for thinking of me, you are most kind. Many congratulations on your daughter’s weight loss and while I thank you for the suggestion please don’t worry about the pills. I am doing this important weight loss myself my way and indeed I think I have lost a bit of weight since we last cruised together. I will certainly help you with your table for three and as we are sometime away from the sailing date please may I ask that you send me your request one month before you sail. So, on August 7 please send it here marked time sensitive or maybe you can send me a note to my Facebook page 10 days before so either way I don’t forget. I will see you soon and wish you all a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Daniel Bearcrofter asked:

I have been on many cruises with Costa, Holland America and we just returned from our eight Carnival cruise so as you can see my wife and I love to cruise! Boarding was a breeze. Maybe because we got on the ship at 2pm, embarkation was the quickest ever. Tampa is a fantastically easy port to begin with; this boarding was absolutely exceptional in that there were zero people ahead of us. Check-in to room was probably done in less than 10 minutes, including a stop for the obligatory boarding-day picture! Ship is probably the ugliest Carnival ship I’ve ever been on. I’m betting designer Joe Farcus wishes he could go back and re-do this ship. Everyone has a bad day, and alas this was not Joe’s best effort. That said, his bad day designing ship interiors for Carnival will be better than any of us could ever hope for. The glass art on stairwells was pretty nice, but the rest of the ship left me cold. As Carnival’s chief architect, Farcus does some amazing work, but I just didn’t love this one. Cabin staff was amazing and our cabin attendant, Anoop from India, was wonderful. These guys work extremely hard and if you appreciate their efforts, please show it with a little something in U.S. currency! Likewise, with our wait staff (Salvo from Croatia and assistant Carlos) for table 221, early seating. Wonderful job and great ambassadors for Carnival. These guys too work extremely hard. I didn’t get a comment card. I wanted to make sure the people who made this cruise special were recognized.

John says:
Hello Daniel Bearcrofter

Thank you for this wonderful review. Joe Farcus has a brilliant mind and his entertainment architecture is certainly a escape from the everyday way we live our lives. Everyone has their own favourite Joe designed ship and Carnival Legend is certainly one of mine. I want to say a huge thank you for taking the time to write and I will make sure that everyone you mentioned gets to see your words of praise for their fantastic work.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nancy Zeman asked:
Hello John:

Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading it and about all the new things coming down the pike with Carnival. My brother, niece, and her boyfriend, and I will be going on another Carnival cruise, May 26 from Miami. We loved our first cruise on Carnival last year. This will be my ninth cruise (second on Carnival) but I have always cruised on the Carnival family of companies. We appreciate the low-key atmosphere and the great ports – including Grand Turk! What a wonderful time we had there. We’ve had a rough year as a family as my 80-year-old mother has been ill due to a brown recluse spider bite. My brother, Mick, who will be sharing a cabin with me, has been her primary caretaker. This cruise will be his first chance to get away from the responsibilities of caring for her. I was wondering if there is something special you could do for him? We will be on the Carnival Liberty (can’t wait to try Guy’s place!) in stateroom 6395. I appreciate anything you could do John. I hope to one day cruise with you.

Sincerely,

Nancy Zeman

John says:
Hello Nancy Zeman

Goodness me, I think the words “spider bite” will terrify many reading this and I send my best wishes to Mum and I will indeed send him something.

I hope you can all relax and have fun together and I wish you the best of times.

John

Martin Mays asked:
John,

I just wanted to take a minute and recognize one of the Carnival staff for doing an outstanding job and going above and beyond what I would consider his normal job. His name is Aaron Johnson and he’s a personal vacation planner. My family and I have been booking our cruise vacations through him for the last few years and no matter what questions or issues we may have, he has always been available to us even on his days off. He’s always been extremely friendly and courteous and goes out of his way to make sure our vacations are hassle free. I’ve referred him to many friends and they all have said the same thing. Please pass this up or down the chain so his supervisors know what a great job he does.

Thank you.

Martin Mays

John says:
Hello Martin Mays

It is always wonderful when we read of the shoreside people who have worked hard to make sure the arrangements for your cruise have been taken care of in a special way. I will make sure Aaron sees this as will his boss so thanks very much for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Whitney asked:
Hi John!

First and foremost I would like to thank you for the hard work you put in to help all of us. I truly learn so much from your blog and Facebook. It’s also interesting to see into the career
of a cruise director. Seeing the problems you have to deal with makes me happy I’m not in customer service because I know I’m not even half as patient as you are! My question is about excursions. My husband and I are going on our second cruise in May. The place I’ve wanted to visit most since a child is Grand Cayman. I want to see the most that I can, so we booked two excursions through Carnival. The times don’t overlap, but there is only 30 minutes between the time the first is over and the second starts. The second is a trip to Seven Mile Beach which I know is relatively easy to get to without a Carnival excursion, but my husband refuses to do anything yet that is not a Carnival excursion as he’s afraid to miss the boat. I wanted your opinion on if we should cancel our beach excursion and take a taxi to the beach or if we should be fine with doing the two excursions. Thanks John so much for all that you do!! You truly are the best and Carnival is so lucky to have you!

John says:
Hello Whitney

Thanks so much for those kind words and I hope I have written this answer in time because I see you are cruising this month. My apologies for the delay and yes, take the beach excursion because everything is included from your own private chair and umbrella to lunch and, of course, round trip transportation to and from the ship. I hope the skies are blue for your day in Grand Cayman as Seven Mile Beach is amazing and you will have a fantastic time.

Best wishes to you both and I am humbled by your wonderful words.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John

First of all – your blog is fabulous – one of the few things I look forward to each day. We were on the Carnival Magic Mediterranean cruise last August and it was more than wonderful. We wanted to go on the June 3 Carnival Breeze cruise but I need to have surgery – so I’m ready to book either the Sept. 7 or the Sept. 19 Carnival Breeze cruise. Will you and/or Ken Byrne be on the Breeze for either of those cruises? Please let me know.

Love and kisses.

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georige Marino

I hope this reply finds you well following your surgery and I wish you a full and quick recovery and both Ken and I will be on the ship to give you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Joe De Luca asked:
John

New York deserves better than the rust bucket Carnival Miracle. C’mon, Carnival, stop sending the best ships to the ancient nearly-deads in Florida and give us a decent boat. I am Platinum VIP and if Carnival wants my business, then they had better do something and send us a new ship.

John says:
Hello Joe De Luca

Thank you for your loyalty, Joe, and I am sure by now as a Carnival fan, you will know that we are sending the Carnival Splendor to New York next year. However, the Carnival Miracle a truly magnificent ship and is for many their favourite so your description of her is unfounded to be fair mate. Thanks again for your loyalty and I hope we see you on Carnival Splendor.

Best wishes.

John

Pamela Hattaway asked:

Do you know if the ship Carnival Fascination has any AA meetings? My husband heard they have some meetings called Friends of Bill W on some cruises.

Thanks for your help.

Pam

John says:
Hello Pamela Hattaway

Yes indeed, we have Friends of Bill W meetings each and every day on every ship. Please let me know if you need anything and I hope you have a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Jenni Tan asked:

My husband purchased tickets to eat at the steak house restaurant on the Carnival Valor for our 10th wedding anniversary and there was a total lack of vegetarian options for the main course of the meal. I was offered a mushroom dish and that was it and I was severely disappointed and was still charged the $30 even with only one main course to choose from. This has left me very angry and as one of thousands of vegetarians who cruise your ships, I say that you should respect our needs and include more options.

John says:
Hello Jenni Tan

Firstly may I say that I hope you had a fantastic cruise and I wish you many more happy years together. I know that the steakhouse does have a menu which, as the name suggests, is based around dishes made mostly of meat. However, I will let the chef know of your disappointment and ask him to look into the possibility of adding more options for you and other vegetarians. I apologise that you were left disappointed and I do really hope that this aside you had a brilliant time together.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. Thanks to everyone for their comments and questions.

Over the last few days, I have posted some new and exciting features that will appear on the Carnival Breeze and for the most part, they have been received with excitement and with the knowledge that choice is a good thing. If you think back to maybe 10 years ago, there was far much less choice on board and not just in food and entertainment areas either. I remember the days when guests were offered the choice of cash or Sail & Sign and when I was an assistant bar manager the safe would be full of many thousands of dollars. I can only imagine how much cash was onboard by the end of a seven-day cruise. Then, as a CD, I would sit backstage with a huge pile of cash for bingo prizes……….yep, cash was king. I am told that the world is going to be cashless by the year 2050 and that as each year passes, less and less places will accept cash at all.

It’s not that easy though. Not only can’t you use cash on the ship but have you ever tried to last a few days without using cash? I don’t mean sponging off other people. I mean literally not laying a hand on any coins and notes. I tried to pay for the taxi that brought me from the Trieste airport hotel in Monfalcone with my Carnival travel and expense credit card and the driver looked at me as though I had just offered him my gentlemen’s sausage as payment. I guess it does make sense in a way not having to carry dirty old money with you …… right up to the point when you get of a plane and find you need a dollar to pay for a sodding luggage trolley.

And what about tipping? I know many of you like to tip in cash and certainly that’s a great thing but if cash disappears, what about street collections? What will we give the Salvation Army at Christmas and how about street performers they would die of poverty which would be a real shame …..….. Except for those creepy mime artists…………can’t stand them.

Despite a few grumpy comments on Facebook about extra charge items, guest reaction to the Carnival Breeze has been nothing short of sensational and has been met with huge excitement. So I thought we should take a look at what you can have on the Carnival Breeze without paying an extra penny on a 12-day cruise.

Let’s start with shows.
- Four stunning new production shows
- Six different comedians who perform a total of 28 comedy performances
- Three variety entertainers
- A fat bastard of cruise director performs some rubbish comedy, as well.

You can listen and dance to:
- A seven-piece band
- A duo
- Three solo musicians
- Two DJs
- Piano Bar soloist

And some, just some of the many complimentary activities will include:
- Karaoke and Superstar Live Karaoke
- Dance classes
- Trivia contests and games
- Sing a longs
- Deck parties
- The brand new Hasbro, The Game Show.
- 12 movies on the Seaside Theatre big screen
- Movies on the stateroom TV’s
- A library
- The huge water park
- The Serenity deck which, unlike some other lines, is free
- The ropes course
- Basketball/soccer/volleyball court
- Mini golf
- Foosball
- Ping Pong
- Pool tables
- Water aerobics
- Deck games and pool games

Activities and shows and events you pay for……….ummmm………..the Thrill Theatre, laser tag, bingo and babysitting services at Camp Carnival. Did I miss any?

Let’s talk food.

Here is the food that is included in the cost of your cruise
- The Punchliner Comedy Brunch Presented by George Lopez
- Breakfast on lido deck or in the main dining rooms
- Guy Fieri’s brilliant burgers
- The new Comfort Kitchen on Lido
- Blue Iguana Cantina
- The Grand Buffett
- Lunchtime fare in the Serenity area
- Chef’s Choice
- The New York Deli
- Sea Dogs on SportSquare
- Indian Tandoor
- 24 hour Pizzeria
- Mongolian Wok
- Sweet Spot Lido Dessert Bar
- The Taste Bar offering a different pre-dinner on different nights (including sushi from Bonsai Sushi)
- Dinner at early, late or Your Time Dining
- Relaxed dining on Lido including complimentary sushi
- 24 hour coffee, ice tea and lemonade
- Late-night snacks
- Jamaican patties served in the casino from midnight
- And 24-hour free room service

Oh, and we will put a free chocolate on your pillow every night in case you get the munchies.

Here is what you pay extra for:
- Bonsai Sushi
- RedFrog Pub’s snacks at $3.33 each
- Cucina del Capitano – $12 per person
- The Fahrenheit 555 steakhouse – $30 per person
- Drinks, wine, cocktails and specialty coffees

I am sure I may have missed something and yes, we do charge for a few items but when you look at the lists above, I think we offer a brilliant product, don’t you?

Well, the ship is back from its successful sea trials and now Carnival Breeze is at the pier where until May 31, she will remain. More and more Carnival crew are arriving and today we started rehearsals for Hasbro, The Game Show and thank goodness my Sunday boredom has disappeared as the busy times return. There is one other thing I forgot to mention that is at the top of my boredom list…….shopping. Not only is it boring as an art gallery but it means that you will, as a man, end up in a huge argument with your wife or partner You see, it is absolutely bloody impossible for men and women to spend the day shopping without a huge argument breaking out…………unless:

1. He is metrosexual
2. He has been castrated
3. He is dead
4. There is the absolute 100% certainty there will be rumpy pumpy at the end of the trip.

Before I headed to Italy I had a week off, as you know, and one of those days we went shopping for clothes for Heidi because she has nothing to wear for the Carnival Breeze‘s inaugural cruise apart from the 397 dresses and blouses hanging in her closet. I knew even before we went to the Bluewater shopping mall what would happen and I was right because it’s always the same
Heidi will try something on while I stand with Kye waiting…..slowly losing the will to live. Heidi will then come out of the changing room and ask my opinion.

I will say, “I love it.”

Heidi will say, “Really?”

I will say, “Yes, it’s gorgeous, buy it now. Please save my soul so I can get out of this non- air-conditioned over-lit hell hole. Yes, I really like it. No, I am not just saying that. It’s the best sodding dress I have ever seen in my life. If you don’t want it I will have it and wear it on the stage for the handover ceremony. Please for the love of God, just BUY THE SODDING DRESS!”

Of course, she won’t. Kye and I will be forced to visit another 107 shops……then go back to the first one…….and buy it. And that is exactly what happened. Oh, FFS!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

However, there was another situation which happened last week that really has me thinking I am just a few steps away from the Pearly Gates. We had some friends over to the house to celebrate Heidi’s birthday and while we sat eating some fabulous Indian take-out one of our friends said, “Have you decided in your will to be buried or cremated?” Now our friends are all the same age as me or Heidi so let’s put that into perspective shall we. That’s a group of people aged 38 – 48 talking about death while chomping on some chicken tika masala. And do you know what? Everyone seemed eager to talk about this as they would who was shagging who on Desperate Housebitches of New Orange County or cars! One of my mates knew a lot on this subject. He knew that the world is running out of space to bury our dead and that in Japan, 99 percent are cremated. He also said that one cemetery in London is burying people on top of a stranger who had been buried hundreds of years ago. Bugger that. No way do I want to be laid to rest on top of some chap that died of syphilis or the plague.

Since this conversation at dinner I have been giving a lot of thought to this whole buried or cremated thing. I know some of you may have religious reasons to do one or the other and I respect that of course. I, on the other hand, have been in a bit of a quandary. I used to think that when I die I want to be buried, because if I am lucky enough to go to heaven (which will be based on the fact that I send people strawberries and trophies), it’ll be hard to enjoy its wonderful brilliance if I’ve been cremated. I guess I mean that you’re never going to have rumpy pumpy with a Latvian angel if you look like the contents of a vacuum cleaner. However, one thing keeps playing over and over in my mind and that was a movie I saw many years ago. It starred Peter Cushing and was part of the old Hammer House of Horror movies. All I can remember were the fingers of bodies were attached to a rope that would ring a bell if they moved meaning they had been buried alive. Bugger that and therefore its cremation for me and this is my will and testament. Throw me on the fire and scatter my ashes at sea……..leaving just a small handful to sprinkle on H82seaugo’s chocolate melting cake.

Time for some Q and A……..here we go.

Luis Garcia asked:
Hello John.

I make no apologies in saying how angry and disappointed I am with Carnival’s decision to take the Carnival Splendor away from California and not give us another boat in its place. Californians are wonderful people who love to cruise and yet we are being punished, why!!!!!!!  As a police officer working the streets of LA I have the toughest and most stressful job in the world and am not paid enough to be able to afford to fly to Florida to take a cruise. I have done three with Carnival and there won’t be a 4th thanks to your bad management decisions.

John says:
Hello Luis Garcia

First of all, I thank you for your service as a police officer and thank you for taking the time to write and express your opinion. We have, as you said, decided to reposition the Carnival Splendor to New York after her South America voyages and replace her with the Carnival Miracle West Coast next spring to operate our Mexican Riviera, Alaska and Hawaii cruises. We realize that many people really loved the Carnival Splendor but the Carnival Miracle is truly spectacular as well.  We also have the beautiful Carnival Inspiration to enjoy from Long Beach. I truly hope there will be a fourth cruise.

Best wishes and stay safe.

John

Melissa Bergamin asked:
Hello John,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a while now and had mixed feelings about sending you this message, but I’ve decided it’s for the greater good – being the sanity of my cruising partner aka my mum. We are booked on the Carnival Miracle this summer (July 25) and we are very excited. This will be her eighth Carnival cruise and my fifth. Part of the reason for this mother-daughter cruise is because I have moved overseas to teach. I worked in China last year, and this year I have been living and working in Cairo, Egypt. I will also be returning to Egypt for next year. My time home is limited and we decided one way to maximize was to take a Carnival cruise together. I’m hitting two of my favourite stops (St. Thomas and Grand Turk) and we have booked a balcony. Now to the point of this rather long winded essay, I have promised my mum that I will indeed FORCE myself to relax with her. In the past, my idea of a cruise vacation was wake up, hit every activity humanly possible, and then add three more… I tend to tire people out when I just explain to them the course of my average cruise day.  Whatever, part of my addiction to action on Carnival is the hunt for the coveted SOS.  I get quite moody until I win one (not in front of other passengers, just my mum) and so I was hoping to save her sanity and to help me keep my promise of relaxing with her, you could help me out by sending me a SOS or arranging for me to be able to purchase one. I can already see her rolling her eyes at me and telling me to “relax” …….. and as I love her to bits, I would do anything within my power to make her happy and thank her. I understand if you cannot help me out, but I figured I would ask. I owe my mum’s sanity that much. Thank you for all you do, and the hours of entertainment combined with information you’ve provided on your blog.

A fan of your fun ship feature,

Melissa

John says:
Hello Melissa Bergamin

People take cruises for many different reasons and one of the common reasons is to take time for themselves and be able to relax and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. I can see that you are really ready to do just that and I am sure that the crew will make sure they serve and entertain you and take your worries away. I will be happy to send you a trophy as requested and hope that you can write to me here on June 25 or a few days before you sail on my Facebook page so that I don’t forget. I wish you both a wonderful time.

Best wishes

John

Brenda asked:
Hi John

We have sailed with you twice now on the Carnival Freedom in the Med and this past summer on the Carnival Magic in the Med. We are currently Platinum with 22 cruises (my 10 yr old has 22 cruises too!).  How will this work with the new loyalty program. We are only three cruises from Milestone with three future cruises booked (Dec. 2012 July 2013 and Dec 2013).  How close do we have to be to be grandfathered into the milestone program?  This will be a real bummer if we miss it and we are this close! Please let me know. Lastly, will you be on the Legend in the Baltic in 2013? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Brenda

I am getting lots of questions like this and it is quite understandable, of course. We are now just a very short time away from announcing the new loyalty program and the four different levels that this will be based on. Looking at the fact that you are this close to Milestone and with three cruises booked you should have no worries or concerns about you getting the top level. More details to come soon and yes indeed, I will see you on the beautiful Carnival Legend.

Best wishes and thanks for your brilliant loyalty.

John

Linda Shearing asked:

We have a big Cruise Critic roll call for the Carnival Dream cruise of 5/19/12. I expect 100 will attend so we need the piano bar on the Sunday sea day at 1:30pm -3:30pm. I have written to you before on your blog but did not get a response so I hope you will respond this time! Can we also have bar service?

John says:
Hello Linda Shearing

I am sorry I have not responded to you before but I am glad I saw this in time for me to be able to arrange this. I cannot promise you the piano bar as this may have been taken by a group already or indeed used for a ship’s function. However, I will make sure that it is arranged and that the location and time appears in the Fun Times and that a bar waiter attends to take individual drink orders. I hope you all have a fantastic cruise and enjoy meeting new friends.

Best wishes.

John

Elizabeth Windfelder asked:

HELP, I can’t decide! Which would you choose? 7/9/12 or 7/21/12 sailing on Carnival Breeze from Barcelona?

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Windfelder

I am sure thanks to my lateness of reply that you have probably decided what to do already. If not and having had a look at both I would suggest the 7/21 sailing……oh hold on…….no….the 7/9 sailing……oh bugger. I am, obviously, of no use here because both are brilliant voyages and I hope regardless that I see you this summer. I am sorry I couldn’t be of much use here but I promise that if you have other questions I will give you more complete answers.

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
Hi John

Have a question, will you be doing a live report from Carnival Destiny‘s extreme makeover in Italy next year. And why did Carnival feel it necessary to change her name? Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul

I will indeed be with the film crew at the yard and reporting on her amazing dry dock. I can understand that there are those who having cruised on her as the Carnival Destiny have a special connection with her. This upcoming refit is by far the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken and will totally transform the Carnival Destiny. With such dramatic changes, it just made sense to rename the ship. Once everyone sees the incredible transformation she will undergo that the name Carnival Sunshine will be absolutely applicable. She will be a ship reborn.

Best wishes.

John

Janice Travelli asked:

Have just returned from the Pride which was my 10th cruise. The platinum VIP gift we got was the beach bag/backpack and compared to the gift we receive as a diamond VIP with RCI it leaves a lot to be desired. It looks cheap and what is someone of my age (62) supposed to do with a bag like this. On RCI I got a beautiful crystal paper weight and a lovely T-shirt. Just saying!

John says:
Hello Janice Travelli

I am surprised to read that you did not like the bag as I have heard nothing but positive reports about it from other guests. We will be changing the gift again when the new loyalty program is introduced and, of course, I hope we will see you for cruise number 11 so that you can enjoy it.

Best wishes

John

Rona asked:

I have watched videos of you and Calvin and I have to say you two are like Laurel and Hardy. So funny together.

John says:
Hello Rona

The problem there is that one of them was skinny! Seriously, thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and to be compared with the greatest double act ever is amazing. I will post more videos of us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martin Stansfield asked:

I am just off the Carnival Triumph and was not impressed. I detected an overall vibe of boredom and depression from the staff. The cleaning staff/housekeeping appeared to be from the Philippines or Indonesia. They never smiled and said hello in the halls, but it was unusual to come across so many foreign staff. The front desk had a very poor attitude each time I went there to complain. In general, the presence of so many immigrant workers (many Indians, Bulgarians, etc made up the wait staff), gave me an odd impression. I suppose you don’t hire American crew because outsourcing labor is cheaper, is this the reason Mr. Heald?

John says:
Hello Martin Stansfield

Well, let me start by saying that I am shocked that you should say that the crew were unfriendly as that is something that we very rarely hear and I will make a point of sending your comments to the ship’s senior management. Like most cruise lines, we hire talented people from all over the world and in fact at Carnival more than 100 nationalities are represented. We take a great deal of pride in having the friendliest crew at sea and all crew undergo training to hone their hospitality skills. I do hope that there were many aspects of the cruise that you did enjoy.

Best wishes

John

Jon Heller asked:
Hey John,

I was just wondering since I had been on the Carnival Magic a few weeks ago and thought you were a great cruise director. I was wondering if you were scheduled to be on the Breeze next year during the departure date of 2.16.2013. Let me know if you will be because either way we are booking this cruise. Had so much fun on the magic, can’t wait for the Carnival Breeze and Carnival Sunshine

John says:
Hello Jon Heller

Thanks for those wonderful words and yes indeed, I will be there as I am hosting the Bloggers Cruise in January and intend to stay on through February and March. I am so glad you had fun and hope we see each other next year.

Best wishes.

John

Laura Welk asked:
Hey John,

My friends and I are sailing in May this year and I had some questions about bringing our own liquor onboard. When I sailed with CCL the first time, we didn’t bring anything, the second time we brought a bottle of wine in our luggage and they confiscated it and we got it back the last night. Now, I have heard some conflicting things, some say you can bring liquor on in your carry on and are allowed one bottle per person, others say you can only bring in wine and are

allowed one bottle per person and some say you cannot bring it at all. I completely understand not being allowed to bring it on at all and seeing how CCL would like our liquor purchased from them. But since we are cruising in a few months I thought I would ask, mostly out of curiosity from all the mixed answers I have gotten. Hope this email finds you well and you have been enjoying yourself on the bloggers cruise. I enjoy your blog and Facebook updates immensely!

Thanks in advance!

Laura

John says:
Hello Laura Welk

I am sorry that this has been confusing and it looks like we (I) need to do a better job in getting the right information out. You can indeed bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on the ship in your carryon bag and if you decided to take this to the dining room there will be a corkage fee for the waiter to serve it. I hope this is OK and if you have any further questions please let me know.

Best wishes and thanks so very much for the very kind words.

John

That’s all for today.

So here I am writing to you once again and before I forget may I thank Michelle and Mary who despite not having beards have done a wonderful job answering questions for me during my time at home with the girls. Talking of which, saying goodbye to Kye gets harder and harder and tugs at my heart strings to the point that tears run down my fat ugly face. I doubt it will ever get easier, will it?

So here I am in Italy, writing to you from the Carnival Breeze. Well, actually I am in the yard office which Carnival uses when we have a new ship being built. It is very warm here and there is no air conditioning or if there is it is being provided by an asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. The ship looks brilliant and let me say straight away that Gerry and the beards have hit a huge home run here. Yep, she is a slam dunk, touchdown……ummmmm…….hit for six (cricket reference) vessel that I have no trepidation in saying is our very best yet. Once again the brilliant people here at Fincantieri are making a brilliant vacation home. What they do here is nothing short of amazing and in one month as we head to the Mediterranean and talk becomes of RedFrogs, BlueIguanas and Cucinas, it’s easy to forget that men and women built this ship.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the ship will leave the Monfalcone shipyard for a two day sea trial. She has passed all her previous sea trials with flying colours and talking to the Chief Engineer Antonio this morning he expects everything to be just perfect. Now in the days ahead I will have video interviews with all the senior officers which I hope you will enjoy.

There is only a skeleton crew from Carnival here with the department heads getting ready to welcome their crew over the next few days. Yesterday, 10 huge trucks arrived with supplies as diverse as trashcans to uniforms. The operation is continuous and the huge warehouse is filling up slowly with all our supplies. Move on date for the supplies is May 8 and the move on date for the crew to join is May 15. Now I mentioned uniforms because the Carnival Breeze will have new uniforms for all the crew. Yep, all of them from waiters to state room stewards from Camp Carnival staff to photographers, everyone will have the new look and I will show you just how they look in the days ahead. The new uniforms will then move across the fleet and I think the crew is going to love them. Especially happy is the entertainment staff whose new day uniform means they no longer look like they are delivering you a large pepperoni pizza.

The entertainment staff arrived yesterday as did cruise director extraordinaire Butch Begovitch.

He will be teaching the staff the 2.0 deck parties and hosting the first cruise Hasbro, The Game Show activities as I won’t have time to do the rehearsals etc. It will be great to have him with me. I know you are all anxiously awaiting more photos of the ship but as all the areas are still being worked on I shall wait a few more days until you can see her in all her undoubted glory.

Yesterday we announced all the brilliant food items for the Carnival Breeze and just in case you missed it, here is the announcement as written by our great friend from PR, Mr. Vance Gulliksen.

NEW FULL-SERVICE SUSHI RESTAURANT, OUTDOOR BBQ VENUE AMONG TANTALIZING ARRAY OF CUISINE CHOICES ON CARNIVAL BREEZE

And as mentioned there is a contest ongoing and here is Everett the Beard with a reminder about that.

One of the worst things about Facebook is that sometimes you’ll read a friend’s status update and it’s so inane you just want to… I don’t know, throw a handful of pico de gallo at them. But then it just ends up dripping down your monitor and keyboard, you have to clean it up yourself* and the person doesn’t even know — the gesture was meaningless, and you are now sad.

Carnival doesn’t want to see you sad, so we created the BlueIguana Cantina Fight for Your Appetite Sweepstakes!

Here’s how this works: we’ve made a Facebook page where you can not only learn more about some of the foods offered at BlueIguana Cantina, vote for your favorite dishes, enter to win an awesome Carnival Breeze cruise for two with airfare… and naturally, throw digital food at someone else’s Facebook wall. (It’s both therapeutic and thoughtful!)

So let your mate’s wall have it… then get ready to Facebook message them to beg their forgiveness when they win the free cruise for two. Enter here so maybe you’ll win instead.

*Dishwashers are actually a great way to clean keyboards. Seriously. Look it up.

So lots of food glorious food and let’s start with sushi. Now, there were some grumbles from a few that we are charging for this so let me just repeat what I said on Facebook that we continue to offer free sushi on Lido and sushi is also included among the many offerings within The Taste Bar complimentary appetizer program.

The Bonsai Sushi bar looks fantastic and the new sushi recipes from $1 a plate will be a massive bargain and that the huge sushi boat for 2 for just $15 will be very popular as well I am sure.   Bonsai Sushi is a totally new concept for us with a more extensive menu and upgraded quality along with  sake and Japanese beer, in a fabulous new setting with a dedicated seating area.

Now while many of you are probably huge Sushi lovers and are very excited about the new sushi restaurant here on the Carnival Breeze I have to tell you I am not a fan of sushi. Yes, I hear you saying that it’s the “ultimate healthy fast food.” But it’s just not for me. My wife loves sushi and she wishes I would love it too, bless her little Dutch clogs. She doesn’t want me to die or to get fatter, so when I am home she keeps me on a diet of mashed vegetables, muesli and grilled sodding chicken. It is kind and loving of her to do so, but sometimes I look at our refrigerator shelves full of Greek yogurt and falafel and skimmed milk and olive spread, and I feel like crying. And when she isn’t with me on the ship there is no doubt that I will bypass the Bonsai Sushi restaurant and head to deck 10 and sink my teeth into a Guy Fieri burger with melted cheese, a crispy onion ring, lashings of bacon bits and even his very own special mayonnaise.

One of the more exciting elements of the Carnival Breeze involves the existing Lanai barbecue which has a new menu and will be called Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ. Now I can tell you that this was named after one of the most brilliant people I have ever met — our soft spoken, sports loving family man and Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Jim Berra. I have to say that I have never heard anyone call him “Jimmy” and that he isn’t fat………. if he is fat ten if they named the barbecue after me it would have to be called “Morbidly Obese Really Huge Fat Bastard Johnny’s BBQ.”

Anyway, I digress. Jim or Jimmy as I shall from here on in call him, has done so much and will do so much for this company and its right and just that we name this dining venue after him. He loves barbecue and has had a big say in the menu which we will talk about in a moment. Now I love barbecue food and yet while it’s OK to accept invitations to other people’s barbecues and its going to be brilliant on the Lanai on the Carnival Breeze, never, ever host one yourself. Throwing barbecues is for plonkers and guaranteed by the time it’s over to make you hate your friends forever.

It never looks like it does on TV where the host smiles warmly from behind his barbecue as friends and family lie back drinking and laughing in his garden. This is bollocks! You become hot, stressed and you begin to despise those having fun around you in your garden eating your food, drinking your booze all while you slave over a barbecue so hot that your face morphs into a melted latex glove. The only time people come near the BBQ host is with fake offers of help which, of course you must politely refuse. Then your now ex-friends will make patronsing remarks such as, “You’re doing a great job, chef!” This is the point where you have to restrain yourself from shoving a chicken leg up their arse and stabbing them in the eye with that big barbecue fork thingy. Yes, I hate barbecues, especially when I’m doing all the work.

But I love Fat Jimmy’s and just look at the menu. We will offer a mouth-watering array of grilled favorites, including barbecued chicken breast, kielbasa, Fat Jimmy’s signature item, pulled pork sandwiches, along with traditional sides like baked beans, potato salad, coleslaw and mini-corn muffins.

The Carnival Breeze is brilliant and as I walked around the ship with Gerry Cahill and his entourage I tried to put my mind into “guest mode” to try find something to complain about something — anything — about which I could complain. And all I could come up with is that some of the stools on the lido deck restaurant are a little high and some older guests may struggle to get on them. The ship has new designers who have incorporated cool crisp blues and relaxing yellows both in the public spaces and the staterooms.

So join me here and on Facebook as I tell you more about the Carnival Breeze, our best ship yet and the ultimate expression of fun!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But times change and the tuxedo has become an endangered species, replaced by regular business suits. This past elegant night on the Carnival Magic, Calvyn and I set out to see how many we could count. He walked round the dining rooms while I covered the captain’s celebration on Promenade deck, both sittings. Now obviously we didn’t see everyone but out of the many hundreds of guests we did see, it will maybe surprise you that the total number of guests wearing a tuxedo was………..11. Yep just 11.Now you may think that this is specific to the Carnival Magic in Galveston but I assure you it’s not as it was the same when we sailed out of Europe as well. Yep, the tuxedo is slowly becoming the betamax of the fashion world.

Many of you know my feelings on dress code and I really don’t want to drag this up again so that H82Seaugo and her mates can get their John Heald voodoo dolls out and stick some pins in my bottom, but times they are a changing. Back in those days, you couldn’t go anywhere without going home first to get changed. I remember the day when restaurants would turn you away if you weren’t wearing a tie. Gentlemen were required to wear jackets. Look, I know that this is a point of contention for many people but overall I think we have a dress code that is exactly what it should be………..relaxed. Telling guests what to wear is like insisting that all the vegetablists eat a huge steak. If you are a host at a party you are throwing at your house, then it is your duty to make sure that your guests have as nice a time as possible. That means letting them wear and do and eat whatever takes their fancy and during your much needed vacation I think it is absurd to tell our guests what they must wear. Some won’t agree, I’m sure.

So unless you’re George Clooney at the Oscars it appears the tuxedo is out and most of our guests have stopped wearing them on elegant night. And from what I have seen this week the new trend is for guests who do dress elegantly to change after dinner and photos back into casual clothes. The tuxedo looked good but with cummerbunds, cufflinks and a real bow tie to fasten and to position under the triangle collar it was easier to build a nuclear power station then to put one on. I recognise that some people like getting dressed up. I have no problem with this. But I can say from being with Carnival for 26 years that things have changed, they really have and the tuxedo has for the most part been replaced with the business suit and tie.

You know, when I used to go to what were then called discos, you had to wear a suit or you wouldn’t be allowed in. But not anymore. Now you can wear what you like. And judging by what some of the ladies were wearing in the Vibe Dance club last night, it seems …………………. you don’t have to wear much of anything at all.

Let’s crack on, shall we?

Maureen asked:
John,

I just love the new link tab on the Carnival Facebook page. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the life and times of the cruise directors. I was looking for the Cruise Director Jamie, that we had on the Carnival Sensation Oct 9-13, 2011, but didn’t see her picture or bio listed there. She was fabulous! And we enjoyed her as cruise director. We hope to have her as cruise director on another cruise in the future.

John says:
Hello Maureen

Thanks for those kind words. Jaime is as of tomorrow on Carnival Legend and will eventually head to the Carnival Liberty as CD. I saw her yesterday in Freeport and she looks great and is definitely an asset to Carnival. Thanks again for the kind words and I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes.

John

Jennifer Reiss asked:

Your blog today contained a letter from someone who was on the same cruise as me on the Carnival Fantasy. She wrote how disturbed she was that during a night of entertainment Carnival decided to allow three passengers to sing religious songs on stage. I agree, it is disgusting and in this day and age I am shocked that Carnival allows this to happen. Please explain why on a fun cruise ship as Carnival proclaims to be is this allowed. Religious songs must be banned as you have a multi-cultural multi or no faith audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reiss

I am sorry for the long delay in my reply to your question but I really am so far behind in my blog questions. The talent show is a feature on some ships and we allow guests to entertain their fellow guests. There are guidelines which include no comedians or songs with bad language etc but respectfully, do you honestly expect us to ban religious songs? I mean, what’s next? I do hope despite this that you had a great cruise and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Jo Kesar asked:

Carnival needs to enforce its rules on dress code because on our relocation cruise on Carnival Paradise was marred by many passengers dressing in jeans and T-shirts at dinner including formal night and our dining room experience was spoiled by the crew allowing this to happen. Another sign of Carnival’s slipping standards. My DH and I are VIP platinum guests and this was cruise number 17.

John says:
Terri Jo

I know many guests still like to dress up because that chance doesn’t come around much for many and it’s great that we give you the choice but comments like this one genuinely baffle me. Why would you worry about what someone else is wearing while you’re eating dinner? I am sorry Terri Jo, I do hope you had a great cruise through the canal and truly value you as a Carnival guest but honestly, I don’t get it.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Beaudry asked:

I just returned from a cruise aboard the Carnival Triumph (11/12 – 11/17). I loved our cruise director, Tex. At first, I thought he was a little annoying but he really grew on me and I looked forward to his daily announcements. The dance he made up of the different movements (wash the dog, shopping, mow the lawn and the sprinkler etc.) was absolutely hilarious. I also, want to recognize Cassie as well. She was a lot of fun.

John says:
Hello Martha Beaudry

Well that’s two in today’s Q&A for the cruise directors and that’s great news indeed. I shall make sure Tex and Cassie see how much you enjoyed them and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Gold Member (4) asked:
HI,

I am NOT complaining at any type I’m just suggesting! I’ve been on four Carnival cruises, and on each one there has been a lack of chicken wings! That’s it! Love Carnival, everything is great: food, entertainment, trivia’s, and youth programs! Thanks for reading.

John says:
Hello Gold Member (4)

If only other questions were as simple to answer as this. I will pass your comments to the beards and I should mention that we now serve complimentary chicken wings at the EA Sports Bar on the Carnival Liberty and will on other ships as they get their 2.0 upgrades. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Bracali asked:
Brand Ambassador.

I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and am fascinated by how a company like Carnival Cruise Lines allows you to get away with such a blog as this. You do seem to have the ear of the higher ups so I wanted you know that in my opinion Carnival wants to keep growing and enticing its customer base to return to Carnival then it must hire better workers. The experience that my family and I had on the Carnival Splendor was one of lack of English from the officers in white uniforms to the cabin boy who when asked for something would smile and nod and then not bring or do what he was asked. You must realize that if the workers don’t understand the customers’ requests then how can you offer good customer service? Answer is that you cannot. I spoke with many on that cruise and each one agreed that the language barrier made this cruise a forgettable one at best and a massive annoyance and disappointment at worst. I suggest that as the ambassador you act on this now.

John says:
Hello Paul Bracali

Thanks for taking the time to write and I do hope you had a great cruise despite your concerns. I am though going to have to say that I disagree with you because our crew all have to pass an English exam before being placed in guest service positions and while it may not be their first language and although they may speak with a heavy accent, they understand your requests and are able to provide brilliant customer service. I am therefore so shocked to see this comment. You may have spoken to those on that cruise who you say agreed with you but respectfully I will say that your comment is a rare one. I will though pass this to the ship’s senior management as you requested and I hope you will return to Carnival again where I promise we will give you the best value for money cruise vacation in the industry.

Best wishes.

John

Angela Henkel asked:

I have been on six Carnival cruises and it seems that the more that I am on, the worse location I get in the dining room. I look forward to every aspect of the cruise including dining and this is becoming very disappointing. I was told during my sixth cruise that if I am unhappy with my location, I can speak to the maitre´ d, which I did and all I accomplished was upsetting her and she made it very clear to me. While this was my sixth cruise (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it was my father’s first and I was anxious for him to have a good time and be able to see the waiters sing and dance and want to cruise again. She moved us, it was still a terrible location and we could not see anything. So, why is it that as I cruise more am I getting worse locations in the dining room?

John says:
Hello Angela Henkel

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done. In truth it’s based on demographics, groups and other factors but not who has cruised the most. I think the maitre d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and regardless of where you are seated that you will receive good food and brilliant service. I am guessing that you wish to be based at the centre of the dining room which a few guests do feel are the best tables and if that’s the case let me know next time you cruise and I will do my best to assist you. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Dean asked:
John,

This may get a little long, but I wanted to make sure and call out everything and everyone on the Carnival Freedom that made our cruise the best yet. We sailed on 11/19, and are dealing with our first full day back home (including some serious withdrawal). Before I started forgetting things, I wanted to write up some feedback.

First, the eight-day western Caribbean is a perfect itinerary. The perfect mix of sea days and ports to keep a busy family relaxed. The only thing we wished is that it had an extra day to stop by Cozumel again on the way home between the two sea days for some extra beach time.

Next, on to the staff. I’ve never understood some forum comments I’ve seen people make in the past where they’d indicate a cruise director either made or ruined their cruise. In my opinion, I’m the only one who can make my cruise good or bad, since it is after all, my cruise. After being on the Carnival Freedom last week, I now get what they’re saying (in a good way). Brad was simply outstanding and definitely made our time on the ship better. I couldn’t tell you the name of any CD we’ve had on past ships (various lines), but I have no doubt we’ll remember Brad. The guy has the perfect personality for this job, and is absolutely hilarious (or “almost a comedian” as some lady at the Q&A put it, which she meant as a compliment). Carnival should do whatever they can to keep him, and as you can tell, we can’t say enough good stuff about him.

Frankly, his entertainment staff is great, too. We played trivia several times, and Chelsea was awesome. She was always smiling, and incredibly friendly. In case she sees this, we’d like to give her a shout out from the Crusin’ Cats. We had a blast coming back from wwaaayyy behind to win super trivia on the last day!

Moving on, our wait staff in the Posh dining room, headed by Ashwin, was excellent. He’s a very personable guy, and did a great job, even with some of the others at our table disappearing on him. We wish him a safe and relaxing trip home when he gets off the ship in a few days.
Great DR + great table next to the aft windows + great staff = excellent dining experience. Not sure how we pulled that outstanding table location, but we loved it. I’d also like to add that our visit to the steak house was excellent. The filet was perfect (far better than the filet served in the DR ), and Polina was very friendly and handled some changes to our steakhouse reservations before we sailed very quickly. Hope she enjoys her time off.

Overall, Carnival has come a long way since we last sailed with them in 2004, and as mentioned, this turned in to our best cruise to date. A very big thank you to everyone on the ship for a wonderful vacation!

Dean

PS – To the dancer who did the Austin Powers themed dance class, it was awesome, but you should add a flash mob element to it. After you teach the class the dance, send them up nonchalantly to Lido and Panorama to surround the pool, and once everyone is up there fire up the music and start dancing. It’d be awesome!

John says:
Hello Dean

What an absolutely fantastic review and I am so glad you mentioned Brad who is everything you said he is. The Carnival Freedom is top of the fleet in ratings as per the guest review cards and your review sums up exactly why. I have sent your words of praise to the ship and the beards and I hope we will see you again soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Lori De Granger asked:
John –

You mentioned that Carnival has no religious services on board their boats so how can you state you are a family cruise line. I was researching the possibilities of doing a cruise and read your blog and when I saw that you had no services I was horrified and bitterly disappointed. It’s back to Branson, Missouri, for us.

John says:
Hello Lorri De Granger

That’s two very different comments today about religion. Every now and then I have to simply say that cruising isn’t for everyone and if religious services during the cruise is a deciding factor whether you book with Carnival then this is one of those occasions. I wish you and your family a wonderful vacation wherever you spend it and if you think there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Perez asked:

I have read various comments about past guest parties, but after nine sailings on Carnival, I have never been invited to one. How come?

John says:
Hello Frank Perez

I am flabbergasted by this. I really am You should have received written invitations in your stateroom since cruise number two. I sincerely apologise and will look into this right now for you and someone will be in touch.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Haviland asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I need a table for two because of my wife’s speech impediment which she is very embarrassed about. We are on Dream Marc 3, 2012 in cabin 8292.

Simon and Martha Haviland

John says:
Hello Simon Haviland

I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with this and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

Just wondering if you will be the cruise director on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze out of Miami. We were on the inaugural of the Carnival Magic out of Galveston and were a little disappointed that you were not the CD on that trip, although we were happy to see you out and about on the ship. We had a great time on the cruise, especially the Trivia/Canada trivia with Calvin. I think the wife (Trina) would be his groupie if we weren’t in the 29+++++++ age group. So I guess her question would be, is Calvin going to be on the Carnival Breeze for the inaugural out of Miami. And by the way, thank you for the strawberries you sent us for our anniversary. It was like seed faith for an evangelist; Trina had to have them every day for the rest of the cruise. Whatever keeps mama happy is a good thing.

Thanks again, Cheers

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

Brilliant post because that describes Calvyn so much, He is funny and so talented and we will be hosting shows together when we see you on the Carnival Breeze. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise and see you both soon.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today, many thanks for all the questions and comments.

And as promised I will continue with my recap of the ports that the Carnival Legend will visit on her Baltic cruises and today we talk about the jewel in the Baltic itinerary which is of course St. Petersburg — the one in Russia, not Florida.

The excursions we will offer in 2013 will be simply the best and remember to pass through Russian immigration you must have booked a private excursion and have proof of this with you or, as most guests do book an excursion onboard. You will not be able to get past the men with frying pan hats on and who have the sense of humour of a dead slug if you don’t. You cannot just go ashore on your own, it’s not allowed. The end.

Priority will be given to guests on a Carnival purchased excursion who will leave the ship first in this port. Just an FYI for now. Basically, St. Petersburg is the best port of call, by a long way. There is no city like it and the Carnival Legend will be your time machine. We will take you back to the days of the tsars and tsarinas and WWII when, under its old name of Leningrad, the city was under siege for two years and over a million people died………..mostly from starvation.

Then the remnants of the days of Lenin, Stalin and the one with the funny oil patch on his head will be up close and personal as the last throws of communism will be there for all to see. This comes as you drive through the suburbs past the old cars and faceless grey buildings where some people still have to queue for a loaf of bread. You see, Russia is often a land of the haves and the have nots, although there seem to be quite a few haves these days. You can see them everywhere stepping out of their big Mercedes and Rolls Royce Phantoms under the watchful eyes of ex-KGB bodyguards with no necks and who have tattoos of a bloody axe on their forehead and who talk mysteriously into their arms. The amount of cash washing around Russia these days is astronomical, inconceivable even. On the all day tours lunch and dinner is included and the restaurants we visited when I was there with Carnival Splendor in St. Petersburg are quite gaudy, with more camp and flash than Richard Simmons’ shorts and designed by top Russian architect Joseph Farcusov.

The ship organized tours of seven or more hours will feature lunch in restaurants oozing with gold ornaments and massive sterling silver cutlery. You will be welcomed with a glass of vodka which you should drink in one shot……..not doing so is considered rude. Then and still before any food is served, you are given a glass of Russian champagne. Your guide will make a toast and again she will explain that Russian tradition states that you must drink this glass again …..….in one long gulp.

So you have had a shot of vodka and a huge glass of champagne all in five minutes. The reason they do this is because the food is crap. Of course, I am joking. The food was surprisingly excellent.

So, what tour should you take? What should you see? Well, the most popular excursion on the Carnival Splendor will also be offered in 2012 on the Carnival Legend. It’s called the Grand Tour and it certainly lives up to its name. I remember that 1,000 people took this excursion each and every time we sailed into the port. This is the best of everything and over the two days you will visit most of the major sites. This still allows time in the evening to take in an evening concert at Catherine Palace with dinner in Pushkin or our most popular tour …… sitting in the national theatre watching the very thin women and men with pieces of fruit shoved down the front of their tights….or to give them their proper name……The St. Petersburg National Ballet Company perform……Swan Lake…it’s truly incomparable.

However you mix your tours you must see the top five which are:

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM – The Hermitage used to be the palace of the tsars and now it contains possibly the greatest collection of paintings, jewelry, statues and rare items from all over the world. Everywhere you turn there are moments of “wow” and “Oh my goodness look at that!” There are even stronger emotions when you enter the Throne Room from where the tsars ruled Russia. There are paintings by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet and in the Gold Room, a collection of precious stone objects that are quite simply indescribable. They say that if you were to stop and look at every artifact in the Hermitage for just three minutes…….it would take you a year to see everything.

And, of course, you must see Catherine’s Palace, the fountains and palace at Peterhof, and the Peter and Paul Fortress. Then at night we have excursions to the folkloric shows, a private dinner and performance at Catherine Palace and, of course, a chance to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet Company………..amazing.

All of the above is what makes St. Petersburg a must on your bucket list. St. Petersburg is a living version of a Tom Clancy novel and I absolutely loved it. The city is as intense as putting Ben-Gay on your thingy and the grayness is everywhere, even the stray dogs that nibble on the left over grey food……. are grey. I was talking with Ken here on Carnival Magic and we both said that St. Petersburg is a place anyone who visits …..will never forget.

OK, let’s jump back into the Delorean and go back in time to 2008 when a much fatter me made this video.

So as you saw yesterday Carnival Destiny is doing a trans-Atlantic crossing that ends in Europe. What happens after that will be announced in the weeks ahead. The trans-Atlantic crossing is exciting news for those who wanted new and varied ports of call, that’s for sure.

In two days time I will be cruise director and providing the swamp fever I have at the moment doesn’t kill me then I will be ready to get out on stage and share with you the stories of life onboard. Stories like this one from today’s incident report.

CABIN………
NAME: Mrs.…….
REF: 171140A809
Guest called the GSD and stated that she was upset because she had been sitting at the same slot machine in the casino for 40 minutes and did not win. She left to go to the bathroom and came back and another guest was playing and won $450. Mrs. _________ says she left her drink at the side of the machine to reserve it and that the win should be hers. Casino manager contacted guest. Nothing further.

I don’t know about you but I do feel sorry for the guest as that was one very expensive pee.
OK, that’s me done for today as I am not feeling well and blogging with a cold is as difficult as translating the words “personal hygiene” into French.

I will be on Facebook over the weekend and then reporting from the CD chair here on the blog on Monday when I will also be reunited with my stateroom steward Ketut who for some weird reason has asked for a transfer to another ship. I wonder why?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

This has as I mentioned gotten me thinking about Kye and what she might say as she grows older. I can imagine her asking Heidi “Mama, what is Latvian Bottoms magazine and why are there 27 copies of it in Dadda’s computer bag?” “Why are you older than other Daddies?”; “What’s rumpy pumpy?”; “Is it OK that I told Alice’s mummy you said she wore too much lipstick and had a huge bottom?”

Obviously there are some questions which are impossible to answer: “Who signed off on building the Norwegian Epic” and “When will our new loyalty program be released?” My favourite though belongs to my mate Alan’s son. Alan and his wife Alison had bought him two goldfish which he loved……for about 10 minutes….and then forgot. The fish were then the responsibility of the parents and that did not make them very happy and they were referred to using very colourful metaphors. Anyway, a few months later his grandmother came to visit and asked Alan and Alison’s seven-year-old son what the names of his fish were. Obviously his immediate thought went to what his parents had called them over and over again and so obviously his reply to 84-year-old grandmother was………… “f****g fish.”

Time for today’s Q and A………..lets crack on.

Mel F asked:
John.

My mother and I sailed recently on the Carnival Freedom and the service in the dining room left a lot to be desired. We had ordered Kosher meals ahead of time and yet the waiters seemed untrained in how to serve them and what to do. At first we were given PAPER KNIFE AND FORKS and the food itself was bland and of a cafeteria standard. We won’t be sailing again with you if this is how you treat your customers.

John says:
Hello Mel F

I am so sorry that this happened. I spoke to Ken, the maitre d here on the Carnival Magic, and he told me that there are sometimes guests who ask for Kosher meals also request plastic cutlery. Obviously you didn’t and we should have asked ahead of time obviously. I have sent a note to the office regarding your comments on the Kosher meals and I am sure we will strive to do better. I also hope that you will look back at the fun you had on the cruise and that you will indeed join us again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Vicki Hart asked:
John,

You may recall having heard from me before. My husband and I were to sail the Carnival Dream in February 2012. Due to his diagnosis of cancer we changed our trip to Oct. 15, 2011. Sadly he passed on Oct. 5 and that trip never happened. I had written to you a few times and you were helping me to make his last trip special for him. Thank you for your kindness during that time. Don wanted to take our adult daughters on their first cruise to introduce them to the joys of cruising. Since he never got that opportunity I have decided to honor the anniversary of his death by taking the girls on a cruise in October 2012. We will be sailing the Carnival Elation out of New Orleans. Would it be possible for you to arrange for us to be seated somewhere in the middle of the dining room? We will be on the ship for the anniversary of their father’s passing. I just want to make this trip as special as I can. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do!

John says:
Hello Vicki Hart

I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sure this cruise will be one full of mixed emotions. However, if I may be so bold to say, I think it’s brilliant that you are taking the family as per his wishes and to honour your husband’s life. May I please ask that one month before you sail you contact me here on the blog again marking your post time sensitive or indeed do so on Facebook and I will make sure we look after you? I will be thinking of you all and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes and deepest sympathies.

John

Diane Blissett asked:

I agree with others who said today that your language and sexual innuendos have no place here and that Carnival should reconsider your position as brand ambassador but I guess looking at it I should have expected nothing else from Carnival as I am still awaiting resolution to my complaints from my Carnival Valor cruise of November. Lurid language and sexual references may be OK for some but for many it is an immediate turn off and that reflects badly on Carnival. I read this blog to get information about the Carnival Breeze. Even though I am not interested in your bowel movements, farting, or your opinions of non-smokers, I put up with it to keep up with a ship that I’ll be on. Your humor is enjoyed by far less than you probably realize. I mentioned the Carnival Breeze, when the ship stays over the night in Rome is there anything to do next to the ship or in walking distance?

John says:
Hello Diane Blissett

Let’s start with the answer to your question. The ship docks in Civitavecchia and there is a free shuttle bus that runs until midnight into the town where there are loads of restaurants and a beautiful promenade but there is nothing next to the ship. Let me know please if you have any other questions. I am sorry if my cheekiness and sometimes candid way of writing is not for you. I happen to think British humor is some of the finest in the world but then I would I guess being British. I am sorry you had concerns in November on the Carnival Valor and I will investigate your comments and ask a colleague to contact you. I do tend to use bad language and that’s always been the case. You know, I thought my wife had a nervous tic but apparently she really did want me to “p**s off.” Just a little bit of British humor there for you. I’m sure you’re not laughing though…..oh bugger. Seriously, thanks for writing and I will look into your concerns for you.

Best wishes.

John

Marc W asked:
John.

I understand that you are the person to write to about my cruise experience. I should say that I am a frequent cruiser with 25-plus with all the major lines and this cruise was far from perfect. The buffet upstairs was hit and miss. Sometimes it was good and sometimes pretty bad. We didn’t know whether the food we chose would be hot, lukewarm or cold. I liked the layout but not the delivery. I saw a stir fry station with all the ingredients but no stir fry cook. I stood there but no one seemed interested in helping me. One night we got the meat balls, which were excellent. The next time we went there my husband said the meatballs were like they were just taken out of the refrigerator. If we wanted hot food at breakfast we had to stand in line and order our eggs specially cooked. After a few days, we gave up on the buffet. The dining room at lunch — we tried this one day. The service was so bad that the table of two next to us left before ordering because they had waited so long just to be waited on. It took over an hour to receive our lunch. I had told my husband they had another five minutes before I walked. The waiter finally told us that it was the kitchen’s fault. They didn’t expect so many to eat there that day. In the dining room, we really enjoyed the service. The waiter and his assistant were excellent. I would describe the food as passable. Example: I ordered Mom’s pork chop, chef’s recommendation. It was a pork chop that was coated with shake n bake with a sweet sauce. You never knew what exactly you would be getting. Since I had already had an appetizer and a soup, it was no big deal. I will give the sous chef high marks. The soups were always excellent. Please take this seriously sir as I do know cruising better than most and hope that you will improve by the next time I choose to cruise with your line.

Marc W

John says:
Hello Marc Warsi

Please excuse me if I am being a bit thick here but I have read your post twice and I can’t for the life of me work out what ship you were on. The only reference is the pork chop you described which I am not familiar with. We do have a Mongolian Wok and yet there are always people serving food there so again I am not sure to what you are referring to. Please can you send me more details so I can help you because I really do want to know what ship you were on so we can take a closer look. Thinking about it I don’t think we serve meatballs on Lido either……..do we? Anyway, let me know and regardless I am so sorry your experience left you feeling less than pleased.

Best wishes.

John

Johnny Byrd asked:
John,

I guess you don’t have an answer for the questions I ask you about. I sent you questions about VIP guests where we stood in a line waiting on baggage for about three an hour to an hour and a half. I guess nobody cares at Carnival about their VIP people.

John says:
Hello Johnny Byrd

We absolutely do care and I am sorry that I haven’t replied yet to you as I don’t think I can remember seeing anything from you until now. Please can you let me know more details so I can look into this for you because we need to see where we slipped up. We have a new loyalty program due soon which I hope will prove even more just how much we do care about our VIP guests.

Best wishes and sorry for the late reply.

John

Gary Gorman asked:
John -

My family and I just returned from a wonderful cruise aboard the Carnival Spirit. We sailed on Nov. 13 for a five-day cruise to Cabo San Lucas. All together there were 23 of us on the cruise and we had a wonderful time. However, I have one small complaint but I also want to commend the maître d’ on the Carnival Spirit for his wonderful job of handling our problem.

Most of our family booked the cruise using the group booking number. A few of our family chose not to do that, and booked separately. We all did want to dine together, so as the group coordinator, I called Carnival’s group department on a few occasions, and spoke with someone about making sure that all of us were seated together. I did this each time someone booked without using the group number. Each time I was assured they would take care of linking their booking to the rest of us for meals. Well, we boarded, and started chatting and discovered that we were scattered over several tables with the exception of those that booked as part of the group. At first I thought maybe we were all together in the dining room, but soon discovered that was not the case. I contacted the maître d’ and spoke with him about the situation. This is where the story really gets good. He managed to move people around and by the second night, we were all sitting at two tables, side by side! I was absolutely amazed at what a great job he did of fixing what could have been a very vexing problem for us. Kudos and thanks to the wonderful dining staff of the Carnival Spirit!!! And a little bit of a pffffft towards the group booking folks.

Thanks for listening to my tale and I hope you can tell me what I could have done better to assure this won’t happened next time. And there will be a next time.

John says:
Hello Gary Gorman

A tale with a sort of a happy ending and that’s just what I needed to hear as today’s Q&A has been a bit……ummmm…..bumpy. It does look like we dropped the ball here though and I will make sure the right people know this. However, equally important I will let the beards know that the maitre d turned the situation around and that’s just wonderful to read. Thanks for telling me and if you ever need help with dining arrangements for your next cruise please do let me know.
I hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Richard Glash asked:

I would like to know what happened to Chris Jefferson? He was the cruise director on the Carnival Conquest. If you have any information let me know.

Thank you.

Richard Glash

John says:
Hello Richard Glash

Chris retired two years ago and we all miss him. His wife gave birth to a baby daughter last year and they are all together living in the UK. Thanks for asking, that was very kind.

Best wishes.

John

Trudy asked:

We are cruising with you guys on the Carnival Fascination ship 2/27 for our Washington High School in Atlanta, Georgia class of 1971 reunion. We are in cabins R53, R55, R79 and M11 and wondered how we claim our free gift.

John says:
Hello Trudy

I am not sure what free gift you are referring to but if you are asking if I can send something to you to help celebrate your reunion then I am sure I can find something for you to share. Have a great time and hope you have loads of fun.

Best wishes.

John

Nathan Derringer asked:
Dear John (Please Reply),

I will be on a cruise for the first time with Carnival on the beautiful Carnival Spirit to Alaska. I will be joined by my wife and eight-year-old son, Nathan Jr. He has a morbid fear of mascots and after weeks of worry and various tests it was discovered he suffers from coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I have read that you have a mascot on the ship and seen photos of it and it will for sure make my son so upset and maybe as has happened before he will actually faint. How can I make sure that the mascot is not on the ship for that cruise? Please help. Thank you on behalf of worried parents.

John says:
Hello Nathan Derringer

I am so glad you have written to me and seeing that you are sailing to Alaska means we have some time to sort this out. I am going to look up your sailing date and make sure that when you arrive the youth director who runs Camp Carnival will place in your stateroom a schedule of when Fun Ship Freddy is due to appear. There won’t be any random appearances, just what’s on the schedule so you will know not to have Nathan Jr. there. You are not the first to worry about this, in fact I am sure there are blog readers who will be posting their thoughts about this below as they have had similar concerns. Please don’t worry, all will be well and I will make sure of that and be in touch before you sail.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your lot for today. So the big news yesterday was of course Carnival Legend and her European tour in 2013 and in case you didn’t get to see the news yesterday, here it is again.

http://carnival-news.com/2012/02/14/carnival-legend-to-operate-wide-array-of-exciting-european-cruises-in-2013-including-lines-first-extended-program-from-uk-3/

She has been to Europe before of course when in 2002 we sailed to the Baltic and round the British Isles and it was truly amazing. Now over the next few weeks I will be highlighting some of the brilliant places that we call at and let’s start with our return to the Baltic which I know so many of you are excited about.

One of the highlights will be Warnemunde where Kye was created during five minutes of das rumpy von pumpy. Seriously, Germany has a history and one that it is keen to open its doors to and ask you in. And, of course, for the best view of this country’s history that affected most of the world………you have to go to Berlin. Carnival Legend will have private trains to take you to Berlin and from experience I can tell you it’s a must see city. The whole city is packed with culture, history and attractions. The transparent dome of the Reichstag, and the Platz der Republik, architecture at its best, the views are incredible every which way you look.

You can gaze down into the debating chamber of the German parliament; across the void to the ingenious double walkways that spiral to the summit; or out onto the Brandenburg Gate and across the vast Tiergarten Park to the Kurfürstendamm. I got to stand where the Berlin Wall stood and where parts of this hated symbol of a divided Europe still stand. To see the Checkpoint Charlie museum, near the former East-West crossing point, which chronicles the many daring escape attempts and the blood spilled.

There is, of course, a place that we give you the chance to visit that will change your life …….. here is what I wrote in 2008 when I visited somewhere I will never forget. “As I sit here on the bus for the three-hour ride to Warnemunde, I only have thoughts for the place I just came from ………Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. We walked as the prisoners did up to the huge foreboding iron gates that have the feared insignia of the SS on either side and in the middle the words ‘Arbeit Macht Frei,’ which translates to ‘Work Will Give You Freedom.’ Nothing was further than the truth as this was the place where 50,000 Jews, Russian soldiers and anyone who did not fit Hitler’s ‘Kampf’ died. We listened to the stories from our expert guide about the torture and we visited the cells and chambers where these acts were carried out. Then there were the stories about the children…oh, the children…I cannot even bring myself to write the words.”

I thought I would share a video with you of Germany and my time there on the Carnival Splendor. Now you have to remember this was filmed some years ago and long before Peter the Hair and Jay The Recently Married got their hands on me and tried to mould me into a cross between Andersen Cooper and Wolf Blister. Things were different back then, the logo has changed of course and so has the production value. Myself and Heidi and the shore excursion team went on location to film some Travel Channel-style video footage which we play on the guest televisions. When I say Travel Channel…well……it was a little different. They have huge teams of cameraman, sound engineers, make-up artists and beautiful women supplying the host with anything he needs.….we had a bloke……who was cameraman, soundman and supplied me the host…….with bugger all. As for makeup….well…I refused to wear any and would rather tie a piece of old cheese to my thingy and have H82Seaugo put a starved rat down my underpants ………. than wear mascara and foundation.

The videos were also shot in early March which is why it may look a bit grey and wet on occasion. Remember when you will be on the Carnival Legend the weather will be different but the excursions and the places featured here will be the same and our brilliant excursion program will offer you a chance to see places like this.

Our shoreside excursion team will start work on the excursions and get them ready and available ASAP and I will keep you informed. Tomorrow we will talk about St. Petersburg and that is a city that should be on everyone’s bucket list and we haven’t even mentioned the Norwegian fjords. Have you booked yet?

You know, the way public debate is now conducted, there is nobody who is safe from public mockery and ridicule and I have finally come to the realisation that I am included in that. I am the first to publicly ridicule myself and along the way have upset Al Gore supporters, loads of Cruise Critic members, other cruise line executives, environmentalists, Diane Blissett and, of course, the French. There are one or two people who seem to take great pleasure in sending me snippets from other cruise pages and most of the time I delete without being read but one caught my eye yesterday because it was very funny. It simply said “Carnival has chosen Eliza Doolittle as their Brand Ambassador” and as I read that I laughed out loud because in a way………they are absolutely correct……they did.

I don’t think my language is that bad is it? I don’t swear that much in writing or in real life, I really don’t. Swearing is bad and any children reading this please do not listen to Uncle John’s ranting and use of colourful metaphors. It isn’t easy to swear well though. We should celebrate those who swear well. Genius swearers, in my book, include John Cleese, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Richard Pryor, Ray Winstone a brilliant British actor and the undisputed king of swearing ……….Tony Soprano.

By the way, did you know there is a village in Austria called “F**k”………….The “Welcommen Zu F**k” sign has apparently been stolen many many times………….sorry Diane.

Well tomorrow is Thursday and be sure and check my Facebook page when we have some interesting and exciting news indeed.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anyway, there wasn’t a computer on my desk. There was an old rotary telephone and my files ……that was it. The one good thing, though, was that we had a laugh. We would play tricks on each other that usually involved superglue or condoms that were placed in people’s sandwiches. There was no political correctness, the job got done and we had a laugh doing it. Then I moved to the city of London and it was the same there, hard work but fun. We had a bloke with red hair. We called him Duracell. We had a lady colleague who in fact was a brilliant broker and was already moving up the ranks. Her last name was Collins and this being the eighties meant that Dynasty was on TV so of course we called her Joan. I mean everyone called each other nick names, it was the one thing.

Even the bosses called us by our nick names. If I had been the size I am now I would have been called Fattie or Billy Bunter (a Brit cartoon character) but as I was skinny and had a bent tooth they called me B.O…….which was short for Bottle Opener………..yep, I spent two years working for Lloyds of London with everyone calling me B.O. Work in an office today and everyone is called by their Christian names, even if they are enormous or a ginger. Nicknames were everywhere. My best mate Alan had a girlfriend called Crater Face. This is because she had a face like the surface of the moon and looked like a withered old gargoyle. I called her that, Alan called her that and eventually her friends called her Crater Face as well. It was life and there were no tofu eating high visibility jacket wearing people to say it wasn’t.

Now move forward to 2011 and working in an office it seems is very different. When Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant wrote The Office TV series, which I know you all have in America as well, it showed life in an office but really from what I have seen its nothing like that. Take for example the conversation I heard when I was in CCL’s offices last week. It centered around the two most annoying things that happen in one particular CCL department.

Now it would have been great to hear that Jennifer in accounts has terrible gas and one day she was sitting in her cubicle and her desk chair had wheels on it and she farted so loudly it propelled her into the next cubicle crushing her colleague Dee’s foot. Or that one of the senior beards goes to the toilet but doesn’t shake his gentlemen’s sausage properly and so takes meetings with a wet patch on his pants. Those would have been worthy of a conversation. But the one I heard wasn’t quite like that. The things this group of Carnival shoreside people complained about the most were “talking too loudly on the phone” and “never making coffee.” It got a little better when someone said that one of the ladies would eat smelly food at her desk but that’s it. No tricks, no jokes, no outrageous nick names just coffee, food and talking loudly…….that’s it.

Come on Carnival shoreside employees you can do better than that! To the lady who eats smelly food at her desk, if you are reading this keep doing it but eat that smelly food with your mouth open, making slapping noises and finish with a huge belch. Then put the stinking food container in someone else’s garbage bin.

Carnival has Dress Down Friday and if I was the vice president of human resources I would also make Friday Carnival Office Annoy The Bugger In The Cubicle/Office next to you day.

• Read e-mails out loud in a silly French accent
• Pick your nose and wipe a huge booger on someone’s computer screen
• Buy a whoopee cushion and put it on the senior vice president’s chair
• Come to work in a Royal Caribbean T-shirt
• Take one wheel off their office chair
• Forward unfunny e-mail “jokes” to the entire office
• Stand behind people, reading over their shoulders
• Take your shoes off, put your feet on the desk and file the dry skin of your feet. It works even better if you do this at someone else’s desk
• Make all your calls on speaker phone so the whole office is disturbed
• Take someone’s yogurt from the refrigerator and eat it and put the empty container back in the refrigerator with a post it note attached that says “mmmmmmm”
• If someone steps away from their desk and has left their computer on send an email from their account to the boss saying “Meet me after work in the store cupboard, I want to show you my spreadsheet.”
• Pick a word, one word that must be included in every sentence you say to each other like “bollocks.” As in “Gaynor, I need the summary of accounts for September from the Carnival Magic please bollocks.” Or you can include even more than one word like “Do you want fries with that?” Even Gerry Cahill should get involved because if the rest of the 3,000 shore side folks are doing it so should he. That would be brilliant. Gerry calls Micky Arison. “Hello Micky, I got the message asking for me to present the budget proposals for 2013. I have it all here and ready to show you and ummmm…………..do you want fries with that?”

So come on Carnival office types, let’s make Fridays Fun Fridays. If you’re not reviled by all and sacked by 5 pm………… you will have failed.

Time for today’s Q and A………..here we go.

Steve O Asked:
Dear John (please respond when you have time)

Just wanted to drop you a note with a review of my August 11 Carnival Triumph trip. Yes it was my third this summer BUT it is only a 3.5-hour drive and I LOVE that ship and CREW.  As always VIP Check-In was super. I met Robert O. for a moment prior to heading up to laugh with Dolores. It was the first day of a new computer program and we had more “fun” than usual. Both Dolores and Robert are efficient and lots of fun to deal with. I was on the ship early, waved at guest services and Isabel waved back and said, “Welcome Mr. Owen”….so formal and so nice.

Up to Lido for some lunch (love those burgers). Ran into several members of the crew while chomping on my burger. Had a chat with Maitre d’ “Miss Virgil” (from South Africa) as she was on duty on Lido. She’s a super person John, very good with guests and crew from my observations.

Off to my little 4A cabin on Deck “Z”…..oops, it was only Deck 1 but all the way forward and just perfect for me.

Dinner at 8:15 pm in the London Dining Room with Maitre d’ “Mustafa” (from Turkey)….I told him I’d been in Turkey a long time ago and ask him to guess when…..he said “perhaps in the 1970’s?”………..I laughed and told him when I was in Istanbul it was still called Constantinople ….. well almost, it was on my very first cruise in 1966. Yikes!!

During the voyage I ran into several of the nicest dining room hostesses Carnival has …. Nicoleta (Romania); Natasha (Serbia); Dewi (Indonesia) and Svetlana (Russia).  It was kind of embarrassing when I first ran into each of them………they hugged me and welcomed me back to Carnival.  That is impressive John.  It makes me wonder what I do that causes them to remember me.  Perhaps I sail too often?

Lots of laughs at Tex’s Welcome Show….as I’ve said before, that guy knows how to make people laugh and have fun (with perhaps a “tiny” bit of stealing from you?).  Also saw ACD Charlie…..I start laughing when I see him…..…..he’s got that “British” sense of humour (spelt correctly according to you) and you know I love it.

When I got to my cabin that evening my door had been decorated by the entertainment staff…..a big banner that said, “Welcome Home Steve.” photos of them and their names on heart shaped colored paper…..it took some time to do that.  Is that sweet or what?  They liked it when I told them I had tears in my eyes as I stood there and looked at it.  I carefully removed all of it and brought it home with me.

Even on the little four-night trip I did The Chef’s Table again…..beautifully done by Chef Allan Gomes (India).  There was a family of eight there with four teenagers and, as usual, everything was perfect.  There were even a few plates broken while we were in the Galley (you know I love that).

A highlight of the trip was sitting with ACD Charlie during the performance of Wonderful World. I had teased him about a part of the show a couple of months before and had sent him a special gift to remind him. John, in the middle of the show he leaned over and said, “Do you see your pink parasols on the stage?” Between he and Tex they had worked my “gifts” into the Asian number.  I was floored. It made me tear up.  WOW.

Met another of your fans, Trudy Crowe and her friend Miss Anna.  We had lunch one day, they are really sweet (and lots of laughs).  My tablemates at dinner were just great too….and I hadn’t even requested anything from you (I’m sure THAT was a surprise).

This is too long, as usual, but I want to mention Maitre d’ Victor (Portugal), he is a great guy and so accommodating…..he has had a LONG career at sea and obviously still enjoys it very much.

I guess that’s about it. Debark was smooth, ship was late due to river traffic…..and I was the first guest off the ship….and I wasn’t even trying to be.  All in all, another TERRIFIC voyage on the beautiful Carnival Triumph…..and yes, I am going one more time before I head to Barcelona for the TA.

See you in Galveston on November 13.  I wonder if “transvestite Barney” will be there?  Oh, that’s right, Kye has him in Essex doesn’t she?

Your OLD mate,
Steve O

John Says:
Hello Steve O

That was the most brilliant of ways to start the Q&A session today and I am thrilled to read your report. I know how passionate you are about your cruises and how wonderfully you treat the crew which I thank you so very much for. I will be passing all this onto the staff and the people in the Miami office as well because this is the kind of review that they love to read. Thanks Steve O and I hope it’s not too long before we see each other again. I loved what Tex did for you ……. fantastic.

Best wishes.
John

Maggie Leake Asked:
I want to inform you Mr Heald of an encounter with your customer service team. I called the 1-800-CARNIVAL number because I was thinking of booking a cruise on the Carnival Splendor over Christmas. I asked three basic questions. Is the ship decorated and will Christmas be celebrated for all passengers as I am not a Christian. Then I asked what cabin temperature was as I have allergies and need a certain controlled temperature and then I if soy milk was available at all meals and she told me no. I later found out it is from another forum. It seems that the customer service people you employee have no idea about your product. I have now found your help page Mr Heald and need you to answer the questions quickly and correctly if Carnival does indeed want my business.

John Says:
Hello Maggie Leake

Let’s start by answering your questions and I see you posted this three weeks ago so please accept my apologies for the lateness of the reply. While the ship does indeed celebrate Christmas, we also offer a menorah lighting service for those of the Jewish faith as well. The standard temperature in the cabin is set at 70 degrees but with the individual controls in the staterooms you can bring that down or up as you require. Soy milk is available at all meals and if you can’t find it on Lido deck just ask a waiter and they will bring it to you. I hope this helps and I hope you are able to book and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.
John

John Says:
Chandra

Hello John I would like to know if the Carnival Magic will have a cigar under the stars party during the November 14 cruise which me and my wife will be on with you. I am like you a big cigar smoker.

Thanks John

John Says:
Hello Chandra

There certainly will be a cigars under the stars event and it will be outside on The Lanai. Please keep an eye open for this in the Fun Times and I will look forward to sharing a cigar with you then.

Best wishes and see you soon.
John

Larry Ritchie Asked:
John:

My wife and I are booked on the Carnival Paradise’s Panama Canal cruise Nov 28. I understand why Acapulco port was cancelled and appreciate Carnival keeping both of us safe. Now my question – do you know when Puerto Vallarta, Mexico excursions will be added to the cruise specific excursions under “manage my cruise” for this cruise?

Thank you in advance.

John Says:
Hello Larry Ritchie

I just spoke to the shore excursion department and they told me that some excursions are now on line for PV and the rest should be there by the end of next week. Please let me know if you have any questions and I wish you a wonderful voyage.

Best wishes.
John

Barry W Asked:
My family and I will be cruising on the Dream booking ______ and with me will be my son Jared who is going to be starting his training in the Marine Corps next year. Can you send him a free gift as he will not have the chance to cruise again as a family and will be away from us for the next eight months?

John Says:
Hello Barry W

Please congratulate your son and thank him for the service he is about to give. I will indeed send him something and I wish you all a wonderful cruise this Saturday. I just caught this in time so have fun.

Best wishes to all.
John

Victor Olgen Asked:
Although I do enjoy your blog I wonder if at least once a week you could cut away from the humor and concentrate only on answering questions as I am positive more readers would come your way if they were guaranteed that you would answer their questions. Just a thought.

John Says:
Hello Victor Olgen

Yes you are right, I should try harder with the questions but then I am also worried that there are many readers who enjoy the ship stories more than the Q&A bit in the middle. I answer around 40 a week here but probably 400 a week on Facebook as well so for now I will keep the blog as is. I was actually considering stopping them altogether here. Thanks for saying you enjoy the blog and I hope you will continue to do so.

Best wishes.
John

Margaret King Asked:
Hi, John,

We have a family boat in Barbados that we use for lunch and dinner cruises, and would like talk to cruise lines about adding it as a shore excursion. How do I go about doing that? Please point me in the right direction.

Regards,
Mag

John Says:
Hello Margaret King

Thanks for writing and I have sent this to our shore excursion folks here in Miami and asked them to contact you.

Best wishes
John

Patricia Asked:
We are going to be choosing Carnival for our James J. Ferris High School reunion and will cruise on the Miracle next year. There will be 32 of us and I need to MAKE SURE WE ARE ALL SEATED IN THE SAME SECTION OF THE MAIN DINING HALL. How do I make sure this done??????????? URGENT!!! URGENT!!

John Says:
Hello Patricia Hallstrom

Thanks for booking this wonderful reunion with us and you will all love the Carnival Miracle I am sure. I need to know if you all booked through a travel agent or a PVP or online. If you used an agent or a PVP please collect all the names and cabin numbers together and ask your TA or PVP or call Carnival if you booked on line and simply give them all the names and ask for them to be linked together at dining. They will then do their best to help you and if you write to me here a month before you sail or two weeks before on my Facebook page then I will check with the ship and make sure it’s been done. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Max B Asked:
John,

Does Carnival carry non-alcoholic wines and beer aboard? If so is it a big selection of wine or just one or two brands? BTW, love the blog and Facebook thingies. You make me smile every day! Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Max B

Thanks for the kind words and while we do carry them, it’s not a very wide selection. Thanks again for the nice words and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog thingy.

Best wishes.
John

Valerie A Dunlap Asked:
O.K., odds are that you won’t see this before tonight’s Legends performance, but thought I might “throw it out there”, just in case…  My husband, Keith Dunlap, is playing the “Bruce Springsteen” part tonight… Now, here’s the catch: we just received word yesterday that his father had passed.  Keith wants to do this, partially because he is a local musician, and partially because he knows that his father wanted him to enjoy this vacation, as they talked by phone at every available port moment.  I know that this is totally against the “guy code of ethics and proper conduct,” but he really is a great guy and does deserve an evening of support, love and diversion before we return to the realities of home.  Thank You!

John Says:
Hello Valerie Dunlap

I know this is a month overdue but I just saw this now and I wanted to pass on my sympathies to your husband and all the family. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to be on stage singing and having fun under such difficult circumstances. Thanks for writing; I hope you had a great cruise and once again my sympathies for your terrible loss.

Best wishes to all.
John

That’s all for today. Yesterday the blog passed 12 million views with between 14,000 and 20,000 daily views. Thanks so much everyone and I thank you for your continuing readership and your continuing friendship.

It was interesting reading the comment about the guest services team because I have received so many positive comments about them in recent months that to hear a negative one is somewhat surprising. As we are talking about the office a lot today I should also say this. It is very challenging for the ladies and gents who answer the phones for you to know absolutely everything about what we do onboard and how everything works. While their knowledge is excellent and their desire to help you is remarkable unless you have lived and worked on a ship for at least a few weeks it is impossible to know everything. The same is said for me. I get questions about Early Saver and price drops and I know as much about this as Paris Hilton knows about keeping her legs crossed. That’s why both shoreside and myself have started to work much closer together in an attempt to better serve our guests. We have a huge social media program, the best by many a mile in the cruise industry and indeed I would say the travel industry. Look at Carnival’s Facebook page with over 1 million likes…….that’s incredible. I have 19,000 on my Facebook page and as I said, many thousands of daily views here on the blog thingy. Plus we have Funville and all these online areas give you the guest a chance to ask questions. Plus there is the old fashioned way……yes I guess it is old fashioned these days………of picking up a phone and calling someone.

The brilliant team ashore led by Vice President Vicky Rey is determined to make sure we continue to have the best guest services team in the industry and as I said we are now helping each other. I ask them for help and if one of their team get a shipboard question they don’t know, then they ask me. I must highlight one lady called Mischelle who some of you may have spoken to on the World Wide Web thingy. She has been at Carnival for 20 something years and her knowledge is extraordinary. She is our online community manager and I have to publicly thank her for all her sterling work. So bottom line is that we will continue to work hard for you to get your questions answered as quickly as we can. Please let me know if you have any comments on this.

OK, here is Vance with the official press release on what’s happening on November 13 in Galveston.

Carnival Cruise Lines and Maroon 5 To Rock Texas for Carnival Magic’s U.S. Debut

So as you can see we released the news today about the event in Galveston and let me say straight away how brilliant it is that we are doing this. In days gone past the ship would have arrived at Galveston, a few thousand travel agents would have toured the ship and a few hundred would have stayed the night and seen a show and drank a few vats of wine. Now we are holding this concert with this brilliant band called Maroon 5.

OK, I admit that I know only a few of their songs but when I mentioned it to people — particularly women — they either fainted or started singing a song about Mick Jacking moving house or something. Anyway, hopefully I’ll have the honour of introducing them onto the stage and that means it might be time to get my tight leather pants out of the closet.

Now I know a lot of you want to watch the Carnival Magic sail into Galveston and of course you can and I will confirm the time a few days before. However it will be early, somewhere between 5 am and 6 am which means it will be dark. Why so early I hear you cry? Well there are lots of reasons including traffic in the channel and of course the fact that the ship has to disembark 3,800 guests and then go through various inspections, etc. Then in the afternoon we do have travel agents boarding the ship and a few lucky people who have done the trans-Atlantic and who are staying for that cruise on the 14th. So it’s a busy day.

Now you may have also seen the contest that we launched that will award two people an all expenses paid trip to see the incomparable Maroon 5 in concert. If you didn’t, here is the link to enter and here is the video:

So, exciting times and I really hope some of you can come and join me. And indeed some of you will be able to get tickets and here is Eric the Beard to tell you how and with information on how and where we can all meet.

Hello Bloggy People!

So before I get into how this whole ticket giveaway is going to work, let me share some very important information that you need to know before entering.

The only thing we are giving away here on the blog are tickets to the event. You will need to provide your own transportation to and from the event in Galveston, as well as hotel accommodations if you decide to stay overnight. If you do decide to stay in Galveston, I also recommend that you make reservations ASAP, as hotels are selling out very quickly.

Also, please enter only if you truly plan on attending the event. We have a very limited number of tickets and want to make sure that bloggers who really want to go can go.

Now that that’s out of the way, here is what you need in order to enter this giveaway:

The FIRST 50 BLOGGERS (that’s you!) to leave a comment below this post, with the following information, will receive TWO tickets to the Carnival Magic/Maroon 5 event in Galveston, Texas on November 13th:

• First and Last Name
• Mailing Address (No P.O. Boxes)
• Email
• Why you want to attend the event
• The correct answers to the following two questions: 1) Which is John’s favorite car maker? 2) In which department did John start his career off at Carnival?

Note: You MUST provide all of the above, including the two questions, in order for your submission to be considered.

I will keep all of your information private. Only the names of the winners will be posted, so that all of you can see who the first 50 people are. (Update: I realized a lot of you might not want your names posted publicly either so I’ve decided that no entries will be posted. If you are a winner you will receive an email in the next few days.  Thanks – Eric the Beard)

Again, just to be clear, there will be a total of 50 winners and each winner will receive TWO tickets to the event.

All winners will be contacted via email with further details about the prize, as well as the blogger meet-up that will also be happening on November 13th.

So good luck to all, and may the rest of your day be filled with lots of tofu, eye-gadgets and thick, luscious beards!

Cheers,
Eric the Beard

I hope to see some of you there as I have the true honour of introducing this brilliant band and hanging out with the dudes backstage. I wonder if they have any spare groupies for me.

By the way I have to tell you about my flight back from Freeport to Miami and this was witnessed by Peter the Hair, Jay the Recently Married and my assistant Mel. On my American Eagle plane sitting next to me was a man whose relationship with soap and deodorant was the same as my relationship with tofu and the gym. He was talking on his Eyephone as he boarded and he kept talking on it until the flight attendant threatened to remove him from the plane. He was talking loudly about oil as though he was a sodding Ewing. I am sure it was all an act and he was probably on the phone with his wife getting a bollocking because she found out he had been logging onto www.latvianwomeninsuspenders.com

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Guest: Mrs. ________ Ref: 941285541A
Cabin: —— Booking#: _______ Added-Changed: 09/05/11 – 09/05/11

      SHOW TOO LOUD
Mrs.______ came to the GSD to say that her husband and she had left the show tonight because it was too loud. Guest was very upset and said that she wanted to meet with the cruise director as she wants the volume lowered for all the shows.

Now the show she was unhappy about was my show, the Welcome Aboard Show, which apart from an overture from Jimmy Boore and the Showtime Orchestra members, is just me, talking on a microphone. And if Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were going to complain about a tub of lard with a microphone, what would they have to say about the high-energy Destination Unknown magic show tonight?

Here on the ships, we have become very conscious about the levels of sound in all our lounges and in the main theatre especially. Levels have been set that fall in accordance with bearded guidelines and are closely monitored by our Apple-loving, nostril-pierced technicians. Now, we do get a few comments about the levels of sound in the main show room especially during our big production shows but compare these comments to those of say five years ago, they are few and far between which is due to said beards with names like Erik, James, Geoff and Joe (sounds like a boy band) who have really made sure we don’t go over the guidelines they have set.

So, baring this in mind and before preparing Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown a basket of apples and plums experience told me that I needed to check where they had been sitting during the show and to find out a little bit about them and discovered they were in their late seventies. I met them this morning during excursion departures for Marseilles and asked them to show me exactly where they were sitting during the show and they were right under one of the main speakers and both were wearing hearing aids which I guess amplified the sound even more.

I had asked Rebecca the sound technician to report on what DB (decibel level) she had run the show at and she told me it was around 90 DB. Now consider that a normal person talks at 60 DB and rock concert by someone like Guns & Roses, Limp Cookie, AC/DC or Celine Dion runs around 150 DB, you can see that the Welcome Aboard show had run within proper parameters. But as I said to Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown if they sit directly under a speaker and you have sensitive ears and a hearing aid ……it’s going to be loud. I then led them to the center of the Showtime theatre and gave them some suggestions on where it might be the most comfortable to sit. I have to say though that as I often see here on the blog as well it appears that Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown were not familiar with the words “please” and “thank you” and more on that in a moment.

I know that there were many bad things about living in the past such as the plague, crapping in a hole in the ground and no Megan Fox’s bottom to search for on the internet but there was one marvelous thing our ancestors had that we’ve lost ………….a nice bit of peace and quiet.

If you were a peasant wandering through the forest, you might have terrible teeth and absolutely no sense that the Earth was round, but at least there wasn’t much noise. No cell phones ringing, no thruster noise as you dock at a port, no flight paths, dishwasher beep or elevator Muzak, no tss-tss-tss Eye Pods or those bloody annoying cruise directors and their long-arsed announcements trying to sell you gold by the inch from the gift shops. No screaming Russian guests, just some birds tweeting and the occasional chomping noise as a caveman had his head bitten off by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Not anymore.

The soundtrack to modern life is getting louder and more persistent. Even here on the ship the refrigerator in my cabin beeps at me if I leave it open for more than three seconds and the computers chirp and chime every time an email comes in and the phone rings and and and….

And when was the last time you could honestly say you sat down and read a book without some great, bellowing noise ruining your concentration? That’s why we must always have some areas on our shops with no music, no nothing, just the sound of the sea. Guests can also read and relax in the peace and quiet of their cabin where the announcements from that fat cruise director are never heard and where the phone never rings and where the only sound is the couple in the cabin next door having a massive session of rumpy pumpy……….the lucky bastards. But as I sit here this Tuesday morning in my underpants there is peace and quiet. It’s 6:45 am and the phone won’t ring and the raspberry won’t beep for at least another two hours and the only sounds in my cabin are the click, click, click of the keyboard and the gentle “wooommmpppphhh” of my arse.

Oh by the way, please don’t think of me as cruel but when I was talking to Mrs. Turnitdown she obviously had her hearing aid turned down a bit and I had to repeat myself once or twice so she could hear. Mrs. Turnitdown did all the talking while her husband said nothing, I wouldn’t mind betting he had been saying nothing for many years.

Anyway, I was explaining about the speakers and the volume and was in the middle of a sentence when Mrs. Turnitdown interrupted me to give me a lecture on how we at Carnival could learn from the theatre at their retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida. And it was as I stood in the Showtime theatre at 8:45am being shouted at by a lady who kept adjusting her hearing aid that I couldn’t help but think of Mrs. Richards. Who is Mrs. Richards……well let’s meet her shall we?

Time for some Q and A………..let’s go.

Linda Parsons Asked:
Hello John,

I am booked on the Carnival Dream the first week in December. My first and my other half’s ninth. It’s also our “honeymoon” trip. I was wondering about the weather around that time, mild or cool? Also wondered if there was some sort of water aerobics, or zumba/exercise done aboard ship? Thanks for looking at my question.

Linda Parsons

John Says:
Hello Linda Parsons

I am sure you are getting excited about your honeymoon cruise on your Carnival Dream and you will be happy to know that there will be Pilates, yoga and spin classes available at the Cloud 9 Spa on the ship. If you have any questions about these classes then please let me know as obviously I take them every day, seeing me in the down facing dog thingy is a treat let me tell you. The weather will be fine, certainly not cool but not as humid as the summer although it will be sun bathing and swimming weather for sure. All in all you will have a brilliant cruise and the perfect start to what I hope will be many happy years together.

Best wishes.
John

Michelle Fortson Asked:
We had a nice time on our Pride cruise but I was really surprised that there was nothing provided by Carnival and not one staff member came to our Meet & Greet. There were probably about 50 people who said they were coming and at least 40 showed up. Not a cookie or a glass of water was provided and not one person from the ship’s staff showed up. I have been to quite a few Meet and Greets (mostly on RCCL and NCL) and refreshments are always provided, usually some sort of souvenir and usually lots of people from the entertainment staff and the officers come and greet us and say a few words. We had the captain, cruise director and the heads of all the departments all saying something and telling us to contact them directly if we had any problems. They treat us Cruise Critic members like gold. (The power of the pen). I just think that that is poor customer relations on Carnival’s part.

John Says:
Hello Michelle Fortson

I am very glad to know that you had a great cruise on the Carnival Pride. Obviously I cannot comment about other lines but although we appreciate and respect that Cruise Critic is an important site for cruisers to discuss the pros and cons of cruising and to assist fellow readers with advice and assistance, we only provide a room when asked to arrange a meet and greet. I know the cruise director or a member of the entertainment staff will always try to attend if they can although it is rare that our captains will do so. I will continue to assist in arranging a room for these events and have the time and place mentioned in the Fun Times. I hope despite not having a cookie and a free souvenir that you had fun meeting your on-line friends.

Best wishes
John

Theresa Fecik Asked:
We are going on our third cruise on the Carnival Pride on April 8, 2012. This time, we are bringing our kids for the first time. I was wondering if they do anything special for Easter on the ship for the kids (and for the adults). I know this is a religious holiday so I am not expecting the Easter Bunny or anything. A choice of ham at dinner would be nice though.

Thanks,
Theresa

John Says:
Hello Theresa Fecik

Yes indeed there will be. Camp Carnival will organise a very special Easter egg hunt around the ship and there will be a superb Easter dinner as well in the dining room. I cannot promise religious services though but I can promise you will have a brilliant family cruise vacation.

Best wishes.
John

Glenda Asked:
My DH of 12 years and I will be joining the Spirit on Nov 4 for her 9 day cruise and want to reserve a table for two by the window. Our booking number is ******. John, we are both professional bridge instructors having done stellar work in this capacity for Holland America and also Crystal. Who do I need to talk to at Carnival to arrange complimentary cruises in return for professional bridge instruction and tournament organization? We run the Bridge Deck Club in Naples, Florida and your passengers would appreciate our services so please by return send me confirmation of our table for two requests and the contact information.

John Says:
Hello Glenda

We certainly do have bridge players on specific voyages such as Panama Canal and trans-Atlantic crossings, although it isn’t as popular as it is on Holland America and other lines. Thanks so much for offering your services but we actually use an agency for this already if and when we require bridge instructors. I have asked the maitre d on the Carnival Spirit to do his best to get you your table for two and I wish you both a brilliant time on the Carnival Spirit.

Best wishes.
John

Tracy Asked:
Dear John, (Please respond)

I have been a blog reader for well over a year, and first wanted to say that I love your blog and think its bloody brilliant! My fiancé and I just booked ourselves for Bloggers Cruise 5 on the Carnival Magic, and are very excited.  We are so looking forward to meeting you, and also are looking forward to Ron Pass (we just love him, too). We’ve cruised many times on several lines, but love the value and fun of Carnival. Since this is our first Bloggers Cruise, I was wondering if you can tell me when more information will be available on the bloggers events.  Specifically, I understand that there is a special bloggers excursion that is offered.  I usually plan all our excursions well in advance, but we would like to know what the bloggers option is before confirming everything else. And will you be participating in this excursion?  Any information you have would be appreciated. Thanks for everything you do to make most guests have a wonderful vacation (I know there are always some people who are never happy and can’t be pleased) don’t let the few get to you!

Thank you.
Tracy (Looking forward to March!!)

BTW – you mentioned Alaska cruises a few weeks ago – we went to Alaska this spring and it really was a trip of a lifetime – as much as I love the sun of the Caribbean, this was by far the best trip I’ve ever taken!

John Says:
Hello Tracy

I was thrilled to read that you have booked Bloggers Cruise 5 and both Ron and I will do all we can to make sure it is the best cruise ever. I will be working on the events in October but I can tell you there will be morning get togethers, tea times, private shows and much more. Then there will be a private excursion in Cozumel which although not confirmed just yet will probably be a beach event similar to the one we had on BC3 or was it BC2? Anyway, I will release details as soon as I can as I realise that many guests like to book in advance. I can tell you that it will be a brilliant cruise especially as we are holding it here on the Carnival Magic, a ship you will truly love. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes to you both and see you soon.
John

Patricia Halverson Asked:

Hello John.

We are three women traveling on the Magic Oct 28 out of Barcelona. Could you tell me when can we take our suitcases to the port or how early can we take them the ship does not leave until 5 but if we have to be out of the hotel we would like to sightsee and do not know what we are going to do with our luggage. Thank you for all the good stories. Love Carnival — my 11th trip.

Pat

John Says:
Hello Patricia Halverson

It won’t be too long before you are here on the Carnival Magic. Unfortunately there is no checked luggage at the terminal, so you have two choices. First of all, you can come straight to the ship and check in as early as 10:30am. You can hand your luggage to the porters and then turn around and get a taxi to Las Ramblas and explore. You will still need to have your carry-ons with you though as there is nowhere to put them as the state rooms are not ready until 1:30pm. The other choice is to maybe pre-book a minivan taxi online and arrange them to collect you and your luggage from your hotel and then after touring bring you to the ship. Please remember the final check in time is 4 pm. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you a wonderful time and thanks for your loyalty to Carnival.

Best wishes.
John

Benedict Ashley Montgomery Asked:
Hi John,

How would you advise me to go about one of my career ambitions to become a cruise director? I attended a theatre school full time for seven years so have experience in entertainment. Keep up the fantastic blog as I said it does brighten up my day as I had a rough few years with people at school (thank God I’ve now taken my GCSEs) and now a brand new start.

Best wishes.

John Says:
Hello Benedict Ashley Montgomery

Thanks so much for the kind words about the blog and to get you started may I suggest you have a look at www.carnivalentertainment.com which has all the information about the job and how to apply for the position of entertainment staff. I hope your dreams come true and if there is anything else you think I can help you with, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Deena Goodman Asked:
John,

I’m cruising on the Spirit Oct 21 2011, The roll call on the CC site and myself have planned a door decorating contest and would like to run this over with the CD of the Spirit……..We have trophies and medals and honorable mention ribbons..And first prize ………bar coupon book …….. 2^nd……..photo coupon and 3rd soda coupon book… Was needing the CD’s assistance in getting the ballots out. Or do I just go to various venues on board and hand them out to the PAX? Please let me know the best way to handle this. Our medals are engraved with the ship’s name and date and will be given with a trophy and prize stated above.

Thank you.
Deena

John Says:
Hello Deena Goodman

Sounds like a fun event and I have sent this to the Carnival Spirit cruise director who will be in touch with you when you board. I am sure we can add a few prizes as well. Do you have a meet and greet arranged or would you like me to do this for you. Please let me know here or if possible through my Facebook page so I can get started on helping you. I hope you all have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today and I will be back tomorrow with more.

OK, please join me in congratulating the winners of August’s employees of the month here on the Carnival Magic.

And as promised here are the new dessert menu rotations for the three- and four-day cruises.

So with the office closed yesterday for Labor Day, I haven’t had a chance to tell you who is sailing with us today so here is that information.

GUESTS                                 3721

FRENCH CANADIAN         411

RUSSIAN                              289

BRITISH                                328

SPANISH                               101

DUTCH                                  46

GERMAN                              44

So 411 French Canadians all of which will have their Fun Times translated into French…..by me. And as mentioned we only have 91 children. Now at this point I usually show you where we are going but today it’s a little different as you will see from this copy of the letter that every guest received when they boarded the ship.

 

September 4, 2011

Welcome fun seekers!

We’re excited to have you sailing with us aboard the beautiful Carnival Magic. We can’t wait to show you all the fun activities we have in store for you!  In the meantime, we just need a moment of your time to give you an update on our itinerary. 

Earlier this week, we sent you an email to make you aware of a potential general strike in Italy that could affect our scheduled itinerary. The strike will impact all Italian ports, and since major demonstrations are planned in the center of Rome, many streets will be closed off to traffic and all local transportation will be halted.

At this point, it appears that the strike will proceed as scheduled and in order for us to secure tours and berthing facilities; we have confirmed the alternate itinerary previously communicated.  

We will now visit the beautiful port of Marseilles, France on Tuesday, Civitavecchia on Wednesday, and Livorno on Thursday.  Although this means we are forced to cancel our scheduled call to Naples, these changes will enable us to avoid the anticipated disruptions this coming Tuesday in Rome.  Additionally, we will be able to provide you with a new port of call and still visit Rome and Livorno (where you can tour Pisa, Florence and Tuscany), which are two of the highlights for this cruise.   Below is our revised itinerary:

 

Day    Port of Call                        Arrive           Depart

Sun    Barcelona, Spain                                     5:00 PM                                  

Mon    Monaco                              9:00 AM          8:00 PM                         

Tue    Marseilles, France                  7:00 AM          4:00 PM 

Wed    Rome (Civitavecchia), Italy         9:00 AM      10:00 PM

Thu    Livorno, (Florence/Pisa), Italy     7:00 AM          6:30 PM                     

Fri Fun Day @ Sea 

Sat    Dubrovnik, Croatia                 10:00 AM         7:00 PM

Sun    Venice, Italy                       2:00 PM      Overnight                                                

Mon    Venice, Italy                      Overnight        7:00 PM

Tue    Fun Day @ Sea

Wed   Messina (Sicily), Italy             7:00 AM          4:00 PM

Thu    Fun Day @ Sea

Fri    Barcelona, Spain                    5:00 AM          

 

You’re going to love Marseilles, known for its stunning Mediterranean coastline and beautiful architecture. Enjoy the city’s natural beauty when you stroll along Marseille’s main street La Canabiere lined with cafes and attractive hotels. Be sure to visit the famous Notre Dame de la Garde Basilica, situated at the highest natural point in Marseilles. No matter what you do in this old city, you’ll be sure to leave with lots of beautiful memories as souvenirs. Reserve your fun tours for Marseilles, from the comfort of your stateroom through the interactive television or visit our shore excursions desk located on Lobby, deck 3 – forward.

Just one more thing…all pre-purchased shore excursions for Civitavecchia and Livorno will be automatically adjusted to the new day and time and tours purchased for Naples will be refunded to your on board Sail & Sign account.

We apologize for this change in plans and thank you for your understanding.  My officers, staff and crew are committed to providing you a FUN and magical cruise vacation.

See you on board soon!

Captain Salvatore Rassello
Carnival Magic

So, a general strike in Italy means that today we are in Marseilles instead of Rome. What they are striking about I am not sure. It could be money, conditions of work or that Italian men should have the right to slap any woman’s bottom they want to without fear of prosecution, who knows. What I do know is that many thousands of demonstrators will be in Rome today and therefore we canceled the port. So, we will be in Rome tomorrow where unlike today the major attractions will be open and the trains and buses will be operating as normal. Unfortunately this has meant we have had to sacrifice one of the ports and that port is Naples. If it wasn’t Naples it would have been Dubrovnik or indeed Rome itself but after much discussion we decided it should be Naples. At my welcome aboard orientation talk I explained that we could return to Naples on the sea days as we would be much further north and overall everyone seems to have accepted the change. However, as normal there are exceptions and here are two for you to read now.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 871098227A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/04/11 – 09/04/11
Guest called the GSD to say how upset she was that we were canceling the port of call of Naples. Mrs_______ states that the only reason she booked this cruise was to go to Naples. Guest is asking for compensation.

Guest: Mrs ————-Ref: 8912541274A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ******Added-Changed: 09/03/11 – 09/03/11

Mr and Mrs______approached the desk to explain that they had arranged to visit their cousins in Naples who they had not seen in 18 years. Guest wants Carnival to arrange free transfer to Naples from Livorno.

So, overall we only had a dozen or so comments, although there was disappointment that we had canceled Naples. However, let’s look again at the two above starting with the first one and here let’s play a game. I will type out a sentence and you fill in the blank. If the only reason you took this cruise was to go to Naples then why didn’t you __________. And demanding compensation for this is a load of_____________.

See, you didn’t need me did you?

One has to have a degree of sympathy though for couple number two who was looking forward to seeing their family whom they have not seen for 18 years. We won’t be providing free transportation although we have allowed them free phone calls to their family in Naples which because the couple are from Pennsylvania and speak no Italian and the family from Naples speak no English, Fredarica our Italian GSA did the talking.

So we will be in Rome tomorrow and today we are in Marseilles where the weather is lovely as it was yesterday in Monaco.

As you know I refer to the Carnival shoreside management as “beards.” Actually, the beards come in two categories. There are the senior beards led by Chief Executive Beard Gerry Cahill and then there are the techy beards who also eat tofu three times a day and worship at the altar of Apple. The beards are the men and women who will be shaping the future of your favourite cruise line. Many of them actually have facial hair and not just the men, but that’s a story for another day. And now I think I just may grow one too.

Shipboard crew is not allowed beards but I may say bollocks to the rules and turn my back on corporate rules and grow one. Johnny Depp did and everyone said he looked like a stud muffin, so then can I?  But there is another reason why I am going to let hair spring forth from my face. And that’s the price of sodding razor blades! Bloody hell, it’s pure robbery and is so expensive it would have Donald Trump saying “how much” to the shop assistant at Walgreens.

And while it’s expensive in the states, try buying them in Barcelona. I asked my assistant Mel to get me some Gillette Mach 3 Turbo blades for me and she came back saying I owed her 28 Euros, for four blades.  Four…….not 40……..but a lonely four. I could not believe it. So can someone explain to me then why razor blades probably cost about 50 cents each to make, but are so expensive to buy? Maybe they are so expensive as Gillette has to pay David Beckham millions of dollars to stand at a mirror shaving with a cucumber shoved down his underpants.

There are other things that cost so much to buy that I wonder why they can get away with such baffling sums of money. Batteries, sun lotion oh and bottled water that has been “flowing through the Swiss mountains for hundreds of years” yet costs ridiculous amounts and comes with a sodding sell by date!  But I can’t grow a beard because shaving is a manly thing. It is something that shows we are the stronger race that we are indeed………..men.

Or at least that’s what I thought until I discussed the outrageous price of Gillette razors with Calvyn. He told me that he uses the complimentary six packs of Venus disposable lady razors we place in the cabins. “They will do everything” he said. “Legs, armpits, they even tidy my downstairs shrubbery.”

Yep……….time to grow a beard.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Now Bob is a great guy but he is no Ketut and he actually frowned when he came out of my bathroom yesterday and looked at me as though I had taken a huge number two and forgotten to flush the toilet — which, as it turns out, is exactly what I had done. And while this never used to bother Ketut, it bothers Bob obviously because as I sit here in my underpants he hasn’t been to clean my cabin yet. I guess I can manage without Ketut or Bob for a few days although actually it probably isn’t a good idea. The last time I led a bachelor lifestyle was way before Heidi when I rented my first ever flat (apartment) and it was always piled high with KFC buckets, discarded Diet Coke cans and scattered naughty Latvian magazines. I also had a toilet that was constantly blocked thanks to Colonel Saunders.  So it’s best then that Bob comes back.

Ketut also used to bring me breakfast when I asked for it and would go to Lido to get it for me and would return with eggs, bacon and sausage English-style which thanks to the large number of British guests on board we serve daily. Loads of grease in the morning…..mmmm. Bob refuses to do this for me and I had to ask Calvyn this morning to get me breakfast. It sounds lazy, and yes it is, but if I go and stand in line for breakfast on Lido I will still be there at lunch time answering questions. Yes, that’s my job and I do it when I can but with FB and blogs to write, the early mornings are valuable to me.

So I asked my co-morning show host and entertainment staff member Calvyn to get me breakfast as he was going to Lido anyway. And 45 minutes, later there was a knock at the cabin door. I was expecting Calvyn with my fry up and I could taste the grease on the bacon and the thick, slightly crispy sausages that dipped in my fried eggs would take my taste buds to heaven and back — except I couldn’t taste it because that’s not what was on the plate. You see Calvyn had decided not to bring me this but instead the total bastard had brought me yogurt, muesli, rye bread with seeds and other crap in it and a bowl of fruit.

I looked at him and said, “What’s this?” and Calvyn said, “It’s what I eat for breakfast” and we sat down to eat.  In Calvyn’s mind we were two cowboys sharing breakfast………..oh God, we recreating a scene from his favourite movie…………and it wasn’t Blazing Saddles.

Time for today’s Q and A……..off we go.

Brian Asked:
Hi John,

Could you please tell me what Carnival puts in the water/air/food or pillows that makes cruising so addicting? After three perfect cruises in the past two years and two more cruises booked for this winter, cruising is all I can think about on a daily basis. I know there must be something addicting on the ships because I need my fix within hours of disembarking and am usually looking for the next cruise before a week’s end. My coworkers have to listen to me talk endlessly about Carnival cruises and now they’re booking their own! Therefore, while I have never had the slightest complaint about anything or anyone on the ships I must tell you…and I’m sure many on the blog thingy will agree, my only complaint if I were a complainer, well two complaints actually, one is that the cruises are too short because I’d love to stay on board forever and be catered to like a king, and two, Carnival has made me an addict and I need to seek help……..or another cruise to relax (!!!)…….and John, you are enabling my addiction by posting on Facebook and keeping me informed. This is mostly your fault!!!  Thank you so much for what you do.  I am not a Facebook subscriber but I do read your blog daily. Please send a huge thank you to every crew member on every ship for all of their hard work.

John Says:
Hello Brian

Yesterday on Facebook I had a bit of a rant about a negative and cruel comment I had received which include a link to Cruise Critic that had some other comments of the same. I had a mate contact me called Steve who is a Cruise Critic reader and we discussed that there are times when I shouldn’t post links here that are just simply poisonous. And while I will always post most questions, in this case he was right and so I didn’t post it today. I tell you this because having just read that awful and vindictive post about Carnival and more importantly about some of the crew it was a true joy to read your post. I want to say therefore a huge thank you to you for the great words and I promise that we will continue to do our best to bring you the most affordable and most fun on the seven seas.

Best wishes and I hope we cruise together soon.
John

Leslie Asked:
John,

We were just on our fourth Carnival cruise on the Carnival Triumph and found the embarkation people in Louisiana to be curt and downright rude. New Orleans looked like it still had a long way to go before being close to recovery from Katrina and the streets were dirty as was the airport, as well. While we enjoyed the cruise our New Orleans experience was awful and Carnival needs to rethink moving the ships away from the slums of New Orleans and back to Mobile where a southern smile and courteous friendship is assured and promised.

John Says:
Hello Leslie

I was very surprised to read your comments about the embarkation experience in New Orleans and I certainly apologise that our staff did not meet your expectations and I will make sure the right people see your thoughts. As I said, I was surprised as it’s the first time I have read such a comment. New Orleans is one of our most popular ports – in fact, we’re adding a second ship there this fall and returning our capacity to pre-Katrina levels, something that we’re very excited about. Nevertheless, it seems that we have to improve and I will make sure that I pass along your comments to the appropriate people here at Carnival. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Martha Dorries Asked:
I’m going to be sailing on the Carnival Glory in September and I have a special request. My daughter is a classically trained pianist and is attending Julliard. She needs to practice three hours every day even during our family cruise so she will need a grand piano and a private room in which to do so. Our cruise takes us on the Carnival Glory on September 10 and our suite number is 2377. I look forward to your immediate reply

John Says:
Hello Martha Dorries.

I have to admit that I had to ask Uncle Google what Julliard was all about and it seems that it is a very special school for very talented musicians so you must be very proud of your daughter. I see that you are sailing very soon so I have sent a request to the ship for your daughter to use one of the pianos on board. Now while this won’t be a problem she may have to be flexible with the times she can play and the piano is actually a baby grand not a full grand piano. I am sure we can work something out and I have asked the cruise director Josh to be in touch with you when you board. I hope you have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you both
John

Doug Asked:
Hi John,

First, I love the blog thingy. Very funny and informative. I do have a question for you though, (BTW I’m pretty new to the blog so if you’ve already talked about this previously I apologize) you mentioned your family came to visit you while on the Magic recently.  My son and I were wondering……..how does it work when the family of the crew wants to visit their loved ones?  Do they stay in the crew member’s cabin? Does Carnival have special quarters available in the crew area?  Are they given one of the regular passenger cabins?  Do they have to pay for their trip?  For all the hard work you all do and all the time you spend away from your families, I hope Carnival goes out of their way to make a family visit very special.  Just curious.

Thanks!

John Says:
Hello Doug

Thanks for the kind words about the blog thingy and I hope that it continues to bring you some fun and some good information. Each crew member has the ability to bring family on the ship and depending on their time with the company and their position on board they can do so multiple times per year. But each crew member regardless of their position can, at least once, bring family on board. We all have to pay something but obviously it’s a reduced rate and is a great benefit for the crew. They have two ways of doing this. They can buy a category 1A inside cabin or if they have single quarters the family can stay with them. However, many crew won’t use this option simply because even though family may be on board, that crew member still has a job to do and doing that job and having family on board as well can be very tiring indeed. But the benefit is there and it’s an excellent one of many that Carnival offers our crew.

Best wishes.
John

Philip B Asked:
John,

There is a discussion on Cruise Critic (your nemesis) that is very interesting and it’s all about why we should tip the maitre d’s on the ships. I have sailed this year with NCL twice and with Carnival as well on the Carnival Pride. It’s only on Carnival that the pressure is on to tip the maitre d as it was mentioned in the cruise director’s video. This didn’t happen on NCL. The question is why should we tip the maitre d then? Do they not get paid a salary by Carnival?

John Says:
Hello Philip B

There was a similar question about this in the blog on Wednesday I seem to remember so let me recap what I said then. Every single Carnival employee is paid a salary by Carnival and some employees also receive tips. I think we have a brilliant group of maitre d’s and many make a difference to your time in the dining room. I mentioned some by name yesterday who I have worked with recently and there are others like Yusuf, Drasko, Claudio, Fernando, Jogi, Suresh, Shane, Ricardo, Mersin and others spring to mind. There are many other excellent ones whose names for now escape me and many guests have their favourites. Some are funny, some are crazy and full of energy and some sing and one or two even dance. But it’s far more than that. They provide the ambience in the dining room and they set the tone. They should also, whenever possible visit as many of the tables as they can although as the ships get ever bigger that is not always possible. Tipping the maitre d is standard in the cruise industry and it’s no different to any other tipping position and that is simple. If you have enjoyed them and they have made a difference then yes, please tip. However, from what I have seen in recent years, most of you do.

Best wishes.
John

Jay Farrow Asked:
Your weight loss or lack of it as the case may be seems to be a subject that is open for discussion and so I thought as I am cruising with you on September 4 on Carnival Magic that I would hope you would allow me to sit with you and talk about my experiences. One year ago I weighed 430 pounds and today one year and three weeks later, I weigh 290 and by this time next year I will weigh 150 pounds which is my target weight. John, your life will change and I can help you change it. Please allow me some time with you next cruise and I will help you turn from an obese man with no self esteem to a man proud to walk out on your stage looking good and feeling fantastic. I am sailing with my partner and we would like a table for two. Our cabin number is 6232 but we are hoping to get upgraded. Please give me the time John, an hour or more with me could prolong your life by many years.

John Says:
Hello Jay Farrow

Many congratulations on your amazing weight loss and how your life must have changed because of it. My current weight is 50 pounds more that I would like but slowly, slowly I am losing the weight. I look forward to meeting you and although I can promise you a set time I look forward to shaking your hand and telling you congratulations in person and wishing you a brilliant cruise. I have asked the maitre d for a table for two.

Best wishes.
John

Kat Walker Asked:
Hey John

I’m writing for your expert advice. The Med is on my bucket list and Carnival Breeze has been added as well.  What is the best month to visit for weather? We are from Florida so don’t wanna do hot and sticky. Also flying is a stickler for hubby — how long is the flight from Miami or Lauderdale and what airline could you suggest?? We are going on our 20th cruise September 18 out of Tampa on the Carnival Legend and cannot wait to be sailing again!!!! Thank you for putting a smile on my face daily and some laughter in my heart when I read your blogs…

John Says:
Hello Kat Walker

I think cruising the Med should be on everyone’s bucket list and I am excited to see it on yours. Temperatures in July and August are similar to Florida although for the most part it is less humid. My favourite months here are June and September and those will be warm in the day with temperatures around 70 degrees and around 65 at night…..perfect. The flight to Barcelona is around nine hours and many of the U.S.-based carriers have direct flights. I would recommend if you can to arrive one or two days before so you can see some of beautiful Barcelona. I wish you the most wonderful time on the Carnival Legend and if you have any other questions please let me know and I truly hope to see you on the Carnival Breeze next year.

Best wishes.
John

Gillian Asked:
The cruise on the Carnival Fascination was good. It was our first and we got the table for four that we asked you to get. The food was good and the shows were too but the problem was that the shower cubicle was too small and I didn’t fit in M114 shower. There should be larger showers for big people. I was also surprised by the lack of entertainment for African Americans and that there was nobody trained to do my hair in the salon. We are looking to book on the Carnival Fantasy next as we are from North Carolina.

John Says:
Hello Gillian

I know that the showers can be a bit of a tight squeeze for extra medium people like me so my apologies if it was a bit of a squeeze. I am not sure what voyage you were on so I can’t look at who the comedians were when you sailed but I would hope that the shows had something for every guest despite their ethnic background. I will certainly pass on your comments to the spa team and my apologies that this happened. I am though very happy to see that the table I helped arrange was reserved for you and most of all that you had fun and you will be returning again soon. You will love the Carnival Fantasy and the fact that it is close to home. Please let me know if you have any other questions before you cruise again.

Best wishes.
John

Estelle Asked:
Hi John,

First let me say I love reading your blog. We will be sailing on the Carnival Dream May 12, 2012 and this will be our sixth cruise with Carnival. We are booked in a cove balcony. I have been reading the reviews for the Carnival Dream and I would like to know if you can tell me how much the ship rocks. From what I am reading it appears to be a lot. We love Carnival. If you can let the right person know we book with Charlene in the Miami office every time we cruise and she is wonderful. Well keep up the good work.

Thanks,
Estelle

John Says:
Hello Estelle

I have seen this comment before and I wonder where it comes from because I spent two months on the Carnival Dream and don’t remember her moving anymore than any other ship. Please don’t worry and I can promise you that you will truly love your cove balcony and that the month of May should assure you great cruising weather. Enjoy the close to the water view and if you have any other concerns please let me help you. Thanks so much for those kind words about the blog.

Best wishes.
John

Lawrence Asked:
Carnival should have singles cruises. I went on the Carnival Freedom and it was full of old people that ruined my cruise because they were all boring and old and there was nobody in the nighclub. Do you do singles cruises?

John Says:
Hello Lawrence

While we have singles groups sail with us we don’t have a ship or a specific cruise dedicated to single guests. Carnival carries the most varied cross section of people than any other cruise line and I am sorry that the nightclub was not busy during your cruise. I don’t know how old you are but I would mention that spring break on certain ships will be busy with many younger single singles people you may enjoy sailing at that time.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today.

Every now and then I am asked for a recipe over on Facebook and the latest request is for one of our wonderful pasta dishes that I remember the lady who asked for it said was a dish her kids raved about and wanted Mum to cook at home. So thanks to Executive Chef Peter…….you can. Here it is:

OK, time for a special guest blog from Carnival’s 359th best comedian Mr. Al Er……..oh hold on. I have just been told we have hired a new comedy show where a lady with a terrible gas problem farts Abba songs on stage while her service dog tap dances alongside her………so here then is a special blog from Carnival’s 360th best comedian………..Mr Al Ernst.

The E Man’s Top Nine Comics! David Letterman does a top ten list, there are lists everywhere.

 

After 21 years in the business, I thought I would give you my top nine comedians or funniest entertainers.  Why? Because it is different than the standard list of 10, and my favorite sport is baseball, so I thought I would do them by position. The most asked question by others:  Who makes you laugh? I have never done a list, but I thought in honor of this anniversary maybe I did have a few favorites. To be honest, I hardly ever watch Comedy.  It is my passion, but I really think that you cannot be your best unless it comes from you. But there are some people I have seen, come across, or worked with that have genuinely made me laugh. I am sure I am forgetting someone, and it is a flexible list, but here we go.

 

Right Field: Louis CK  Just caught him on a channel flipping night on Conan. Clearly the funniest comic working at present.

 

Left Field: Billy Crystal  Enjoyed him more in movies than stand-up. Watch the movie titled Mr. Saturday Night, he wrote, directed, and produced. This is as close to a real life career comedian that has ever been done.

 

Center Field: John Heald  Yes, it may seem like I am kissing up here but there is not an entertainer on this planet that has the sense of stage and comic timing.  When I write for him, his material is pretty good too. Most of you know John is the top cruise director for Carnival. I have watched, and shared a stage with him.  He is a real talent.

 

First Base: Jay Leno  I worked with Jay on a number of shows in the 1990s when he was hot on Letterman.  I am not about the politics or the interview skills, but a pure stand up and a writer, and a guy who can deliver a perfect joke……well, he is the best.

 

Second Base: Bill Cosby  He is a storyteller.  He is able to take the hardest audience, and does the thing that is most important in the business…bring the crowd to him, and not pander to them.

 

Short Stop: George Carlin  He got a little bitter late in his career, but he is a guy who wrote all his own stuff, and had a unique style that worked for him.

 

Third Base: Johnny Carson  Showing my age here, but those of you who remember him, knows that he made funny out of saying nothing.  He could take the hokiest material and make it funny by the audience NOT laughing.

 

Catcher: Richard Pryor  Probably goes without saying; many people were offended and laughing at the same time. No one gives him the credit he deserves for doing stories and not just jokes.

 

Pitcher: Steve Martin  This man has forgot more talent than any 100 comics will ever have.  He walked away from actual stand up, because he said all he could. He wrote movies, stories, books, musical talent.  It is just amazing.

 

Yes, I know, if you are reading this, you have come up with at least 20 others. I probably would have a different list tomorrow. The only southern comic that I would list as honorable mention is Ron White. I also stayed with celebrities. One day I will give you a list of the funniest comics you never heard of.  Of course, I did not include myself on the list, because I am one of a kind!

Make sure you continue to laugh…and send me any well wishes or presents you might like to honor the fact that I have stayed out of jail, out of debt, and away from a day job for 21 years.

 

Al Ernst

Thanks Al and I think you know that you are the people’s choice and continue to be one of most requested and laugh-out-loud funniest comedians and I am truly humbled by your kind words. Hope you get to see Al perform soon…..you will recognise him as he will have a small brown patch on his nose.

This cruise has been excellent and it’s hard to believe that the next time I write a blog, it will mark the start of my last cruise for a while as CD of this Carnival Magic. There will be plenty of time to reminisce I am sure and next cruise we have the potential strike in Italy which should make it interesting and I, of course, will be reporting about it live on my blog and on Facebook.

During these hectic days on the Carnival Magic when most days I am working 15 to 17 hours a day I often pause and look forward to the time when life is simply my big leather recliner, a cigar, a plasma TV, a nap and a rumpy pumpy dream about Megan Fox’s you know what. Right now, though, I spend most of my time on this bloody computer. It’s one big blur…….200 e-mails here, a need a bigger thingy there, Facebook, check Mr. Arison’s twit, a Viagra sale, check the headlines, check the e-mail again, log off, log on……..when will it end?

Well never……not even as we get older. That’s because it appears that even Holland America is giving the greatest generation a chance to become computer savvy. They have teamed up with Microsoft to provide Texpert classes and I have a guest here on the Carnival Magic who was telling me that he recently sailed on a HAL ship and who thought these classes were amazing. He tells me he can now use the internet and send e-mails and log onto www.latvianwomenlookingforsugardaddies.com and he was disappointed we didn’t have similar lessons here. By the way, the guest was in his late 70′s which I found fascinating.

This being Friday’s blog, I will try and stay away from the heavier subjects of seat saving and hurricanes and concentrate more on ………well me. Now because Ketut is in bed with a man cold or underpantitus or whatever he has I have pretty much had to fend for myself and last night I discovered my refrigerator was bare and I was out of bottled water. And so I traveled down to deck 0 to the crew lounge. This is where the hard working men and women unwind after cleaning the cabins, serving and cooking the food and the rest of the crew go to relax. There is a large bar, a huge giant TV, foosball, darts and more. There is also a table tennis table. Now as I may have mentioned before I have the sporting skills of a drunken penguin but I do love a game of ping pong. And as I entered the crew lounge I saw that the table was empty and there were very few crew members around and so I asked Calvyn who was with me if he wanted a game.

Now, I admit here and now that I asked Calvyn for a game because…..well……..because I thought I could beat him. And I admit that I thought I could beat him because he is …… ummmm ……… well extra medium like me and that in my mind I expected him to have the athleticism of Rosanne Barr. And so we played.

And before I knew it the score was 2 to 9 and I was losing big time. How was this possible? It’s my job to be better than him as I am his boss and the athletic equivalent of Richard Simmons was kicking my arse.

Then it was 2–10 and then soon 3–11. I stopped the game and pointed to my suit and work shoes and the fact that my opponent on the other side of the table had casual clothes and something called TOMS which he wears with everything and I mean everything and he wears them all day everyday and sniff one and you will either think you’re in Paris or you will faint.

Anyway, I was at a disadvantage and so I told Calvyn to wait and I am ashamed to say I was now taking this game so seriously that I went back to my cabin, changed into a T-shirt, sweat pants and my Michael Jordans. Then I went outside on deck 5, took some deep breaths and came back a new man. I may have even been growling a bit shouting “Come on you fat tub of lard, come on, don’t let Lurch beat you.” I returned to the crew bar to find that there were now many more crew in there and all were waiting for me to finish my game so they could play and they were all waiting to see who would win.

It was my serve and using my special sliced double action deep back spin serve I sent it right into his chest and it spun away of the edge of his bat. “Yes!!!” I shouted, punching the air, my face contorted as though in the process of pushing out last night’s stubborn dinner. And the game continued and I smashed the ball at one point so hard it hit Calvyn in the head and this gave me great pleasure and I danced around the table like a man possessed. It was now 19 to 20 with Calvyn leading…..first to 21 wins.

My life hung in the balance. If I messed up, I would have lost to my assistant and I would have lost to my friend and I would have lost to someone who listens to Cher. I focused. I coughed and snorted the sludge from my nose onto the crew lounge floor trying to get as much oxygen into my lungs as I could. Tension was everywhere, the entire crew lounge was watching. I gripped my bat more tightly. Calvyn served. The ball came, I sent it back, and then Calvyn returned it to me with some height. This was my chance. I concentrated on the white ball as it came toward me; my whole world was focused on smashing back as hard as I could to take the game to a tie. I arched my body like a coiled tiger ready to spring and then “BANG” I smashed the ball back to Calvyn’s side. And it missed the table completely and instead flew past, hitting Patel the soup cook in the side of the head.

It was over. I had lost. The crew applauded, some laughed. I had been beaten by the man with ridiculously long arms and posture that would make Quasimodo look straight. There are many days when I feel old but last night was the worst. I ache this morning and I have had to endure Calvyn’s taunts as he reminds me that he beat me. Even crew who were not there are pointing and laughing that the senior cruise director and brand ambassador was beaten at table tennis by someone who looks like Barbara Streisand. That’s why while the ship was in Palma De Majorca today I demanded a lunchtime rematch. And he beat me again. Bugger.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

One such incident involves Michael Jackson and a joke made by one of the comedians that upset a guest so much that she walked out of the Spotlight Lounge on Promenade Deck aft and went all the way forward and down to deck 3 and at 11:45pm she made a complaint that the joke had been racist. And so this morning I had to talk to the guest who was African American as indeed was the comedian who had told it during his uncensored show which means the comedians often make some outrageous jokes. The fact that it is an uncensored show is well documented and announced clearly by the show’s emcee so there was no doubt that the guest was attending a show that would be R-rated with adult material.

The comedian involved is one of our very funniest and one who gets more rave reviews than most. His show includes jokes and observations on rumpy pumpy, getting old, all the bodily functions and political humor as well as this one particular Michael Jackson joke. I know many of you are asking “What was the joke, John”……well this is one that can only be told in a comedy club environment and not here on the blog. So I spoke to the lady in the lobby this morning and appropriately we are in Naples and Mount Vesuvius was in the background because this lady was erupting her anger all over me. I explained that the show was uncensored but she didn’t want to know and told me that it was wrong to make fun of the dead and that the joke was racist. Anyway, long story short. She’s mad, I said sorry, she walked away still mad, she gets fruit. The end.

By the way, one footnote to this. As you know we have a new Carnival Legends show here on Carnival Magic and it is brilliant and I hope it gets around to the rest of the fleet as soon as possible. The new characters and the new dancing with the cast section have breathed new life into a show that was (is) getting a bit tired. However, while we have multiple signups for Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Shania Twain, Neil Diamond etc…….we have on the three occasions we have done the show only had one person sign up for Michael Jackson and each time they have been…..ummmm………well, let’s just say they were sponsored by ThirstyFrog Red and have provided a certain comedy element to the show. I wonder why we have no one sign up to sing Billie Jean. My guess is that MJ is virtually impossible to impersonate because of his incredible dancing and singing ability, not to mention that his voice was truly one of a kind and unless you trap your thingy in the fly of your pants, you are never going to sound like he did. And now — it’s laundry time.

Miss_____Ref: 84810775231A Owner: (——————
Cabin: ———– Booking#: ****** Added-Changed: 08/28/11 – 08/28/11

THEFT FROM LAUNDRY

Miss ——–reported that three pairs of under garments and one blouse had been stolen from the guest laundry. Guest had put in her washing and came back 40 minutes later to find her clothes had been taken out and other clothes of another guests were in the machine. Security has been tasked.

Now, let’s examine this shall we? First of all it is unbelievable that another guest would come into the laundry, stop the machine, make sure no other guest is watching, take out the laundry and walk off with it. Surely this is a mistake right? Maybe they went to the wrong deck and thought they were at the place where their laundry is. Or of course we have 800 kids on board ……… a juvenile prank maybe. Oh hold on, I just had a thought. We also have 140 French on board and they are ladies underwear that is missing……maybe Pierre is in his cabin standing in front of the mirror saying “Sacre blue – mon derriere looks formidable in these oha oha oha.”

I should put a pair of my underpants in the guest laundry and see if any sod takes them. I think we all know the answer to that. And if they did steal them they would find their way back to me ……I have homing underpants. We will solve the case of the missing silk underwear and have called in the help of the Italian Police, Interpol, the CIA, the FBI ……..and of course Calvyn.

Time for today’s Q and A…………here we go.

Denise from Ft. Lauderdale Asked:
Hi John!

We are sailing on October 30, 2011 on the Carnival Valor, which is our ninth Carnival cruise. We are excited about celebrating Halloween on the ship.  We have our costumes ready. It appears that on Halloween, October 31 is also formal night.  My question is, do we wear our costumes for dinner?  I say yes, thinking the wait staff will be wearing costumes, but my husband says no, we should put our costumes on after dinner.  Can you help us answer this question?

A HUGE Carnival fan,
Denise

John Says:
Hello Denise from Ft. Lauderdale

I am glad to see that you are a “HUGE Carnival fan” and that is great news indeed. Halloween has become a big celebration for us over the past few years and it will be the same again this year. The elegant night is indeed on the 31st and I doubt (although I am not 100% certain) that the ship will change that so as in previous years yes, you and many other guests will wear their costumes to dinner. I will be posting the Halloween schedule for the entire fleet as soon as I have it. Have a great time.

Best wishes.
John

Bernard Berry Asked:
Hi John.

Don’t really have a question, just wanted to say my June 24 cruise was my best cruise ever.  Thank you and your staff for allowing my wife and I to experience for a week what it feels like to be famous. It was a first for us and it was awesome.  What a fun concept. We are still enjoying the perks we received. We have another cruise scheduled out of Port Canaveral September 17 on Carnival Dream and we know that it won’t top our Carnival Magic cruise. We still are looking forward to it and will continue to choose Carnival for all our future cruises. Keep the new ships coming. You are the best. Thanks again!

Bernard and Carolyn Berry

John Says:
Hello Bernard

How brilliant that you wrote and brilliant describes your performance in the WIN show. Thanks so much for spreading your joy and cheer to the other guests and it was an honour to share the stage with you. I wish you a brilliant time again on the Carnival Dream and I hope that we will get to be together in future cruises as well. I will send my colleague Butch a note for you when you board.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Robert Chadband Asked:
We are sailing on the Magic on September 25 and need you to help us. We are celebrating our 41st Anniversary with our daughter and son-in-law. Would you get us a table for 4 and a window table for our special cruise? We have sailed on five Carnival cruises before but have never had a window table!!!! Also one of your special anniversary gifts would be nice!!!!!!!!! Here are the details.

Robert and Melissa Chadband in state room 1399

Anthony and Rebbeca Rosetti in state room 1407

We cruised with you on the triumph and thought you were fun.

John Says:
Hello Robert Chadband

It is always nice to see families cruising together and I will certainly ask Ken the maitre d’ to do his best to assist you with your table. I am sure we can get you a table for four but although he will try I can’t promise that it will be right next to a window. I will send you something for your anniversary and wish you all a wonderful time here on the Carnival Magic.

Best wishes.
John

Suzann L Asked:
I didn’t get a comment card for some reason so I would like to say that the waiter I had on my July 7 cruise on the Carnival Inspiration was the best I have ever experienced in my 18 cruises, seven of which have been with Carnival. His name is Manni and his smile and welcoming nature made our cruise so wonderful. My daughter has special needs and not comfortable around strangers but she took to Manni immediately and still talks about him every day. Carnival has in Manni someone who should be recognized as being the difference between a good cruise and one that will never be forgotten. John I would be thankful if you would pass this to Manni and show his line manager as well.

John Says:
Hello Suzann L

What a brilliant post and one that warms the heart when read. It is indeed crew like Manni who can make such a difference and you cannot imagine how proud he will be when he sees this. I will as requested make sure the shipboard and shoreside managers see these words of praise which I thank you sincerely for taking the time to write.

My best wishes to you and the family.
John

Christiane Gagnon Asked:
Hello John,

I am booked on the Carnival Magic Sept 4. We are really looking forward to this trip. I read on your blog about the itinerary change on the Carnival Magic this week. We have done 15 cruises and I work in logistics planning. Would it not have been better for everyone to just miss a port rather than change all ports around? I know that this had to be a lot of work for Carnival to re-schedule tours. And I appreciate the work Carnival did for passengers on private tours (you did not have to do it, but I am sure it was appreciated. However, in the future, I think skipping the one port is a better decision. Looking forward to meeting you in six weeks.

CGinMTL

John Says:
Hello Christiane Gagon

It’s an interesting question indeed. We discussed this in depth and decided that giving everyone the ports they had flown many miles to experience was the best option by far even though as you mentioned it created a lot of work for us on board. The fact that the ports are for many as important as the ship when booking the cruise was also taken into consideration as this is defiantly destination cruising. The concerns in Italy especially are always there. The feedback we received from the guests when we did the port change was positive even though as you know from the complicated work you do, logistically, it was difficult indeed. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes and get ready for a great cruise.
John

Michael Chaffin Asked:
John I have noticed over the last few years all staterooms are warmer especially in the middle of the night. Is this a cost savings measure or is my luck of the draw of rooms just bad? I have had maintenance check and they will say the temperature falls in the acceptable range, any idea what that might be.  Thanks can’t wait to sail with you again.

John Says:
Hello Michael Chaffin

Good question. Certainly we don’t turn the air up in the night as a cost saving measure that I can assure you. However there is no doubt that some ships are colder than others and certainly some individual cabins are, as well. Take the ship I am on now, the Carnival Magic. We have certain logs that we keep on board and last cruise we had eight air conditioning complaints about 1,845 cabins and five were that it was too hot and three that it was too cold so go figure. Yet, it’s the same AC system that controls them all and guests have the same thermostat control that allows them to adjust the temperature accordingly. So I guess the answer is I don’t know, maybe it is just personal preference as to how you like the temperature in your cabin. I hope this answers your question and I hope we cruise together again soon.

Best wishes
John

EPH Asked:
Mr. Heald.

It is unlikely in the extreme that I ever again take a Carnival (and maybe any other) cruise. I have written to Cruise Critic and placed my full review there as I think it is important that others know about me experiences and so I have added this to Cruise Critic. I trust Carnival knowing this will act accordingly. While the personnel were cordial, respectful and hard-working, many were improperly informed and inadequately trained. For one shore excursion (Belize) I was twice sent to improper departure assembly points on the ship. Finally, after some aggressive inquiry, I did find the correct place in time, but it was an unnecessary and unpleasant experience. A planned (and paid) excursion on Grand Cayman was missed when I used my telephone for a waking alarm as I often have. The phone time was correct with ship time when I went to sleep but was changed to later when I was awakened, and I missed the trip. Unknown to me, the time was reset by connection to a cell tower on shore when the ship approached port. Had I been advised of this possibility, I would have been on time for the excursion and the tour company refused to refund my money which is Carnival’s fault……. This was also the first time, in my many overseas travels, when postcards I mailed did not arrive in the US. They were mailed with stamps purchased on the ship and were left in a mail drop which was to be mailed from our current port. Overall the crew was pleasant, but apparently not capable of being very helpful.

John Says:
Hello EPH

Thank you for taking the time to write and I am so sorry that the cruise experience was not what you had hoped for. I know that these days cell phones can and will reset automatically to local time if that function is not turned off and obviously that is what happened with your phone and why you missed the tour. I also have to say that while I understand your frustration in missing the excursion, yours is the first such comment I have ever seen. I am not sure why your postcards did not reach their destination. The cards are given from the guest services desk to our port agent (we have one in each port that looks after us) and they then post it from the local post office. I am sorry that yours did not make it home. I am glad you found the crew “pleasant” and I wish I knew what ship you had been on as it could have been one of two that goes to the ports mentioned. I hope that you will look back at the value for money the cruise provided and the fun you hopefully had and that we will see you again.

Best wishes.
John

Larry W Asked:
Hi John

Please can you tell me when the new CD schedule will come out. I don’t want to be mean but I am really wanting to book a cruise in January on the Carnival Legend but need to make sure a certain cruise director is not there as if I hear her voice over the PA I think I will go mad.

Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Larry W

I will have the new schedule out in three weeks and will post it here on the blog thingy. I am sure you will be happy. Hope you book that cruise and let me know if you have any other questions

Best wishes.
John

William D. Starks Asked:
On our last cruise I was impressed on how the Platinum guest was treated.  We really didn’t expect to be treated so great. We thought it was just something in print.  Sorry to say that our next cruise in 2012 will be with RCL.  I have no choice in this matter but we will be back to Carnival after that.  We love Carnival.  So don’t hold it against us for going with RCL in 2012.

Your friend William

John Says:
Hello William D. Starks

Absolutely not. I wish you a wonderful vacation and we will be here to say welcome home the next time you return to carnival. Thanks for the kind words and for your loyalty………..mostly

Seriously, have a great vacation and hope to see you soon.

John

That’s all for today.

So, tradition has it that when our ships have been built a coin is placed into a glass box and welded somewhere on the ship. Many of you have had fun finding these coins and have had photos taken with them If that someone is you then you better have a look at this:

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=226691564050079

So send in those photos of you and the coins and if you are cruising soon then have hunt for the coin and send us your photos.

OK, I know there are certain subjects that probably have some of you going, “Oh no, here goes the fat idiot again.” Dress code is one and so is tipping and of course my dislike for anything French. There is another one though that I need to talk about again because I am getting frustrated and in fact I know you are too. Yep, it’s time to wheel out the seat-saving/chair- hogging subject once again.

These past two cruises we have had 4,500 plus guests on board including many families and for the first time this European season, we have had multiple sea days. And with stunning Mediterranean weather, suffice to say we have had some issues with deck chair saving. There is good news though and that is the pilot system we have started here on our adult only Serenity deck and I can tell you that it works absolutely perfectly. We haven’t re-invented the wheel here. What we are doing is simply enforcing the 30-minute rule wherein if any chair is left for more than 30 minutes, the item is removed by the deck stewards and kept safely until the guests return.

It looks like this system for the Serenity area is working because we have signs there plus it is well advertised in the Capers and …..bugger……..the Fun Times and guests understand and comply. Honestly, we don’t have a problem there and have received no complaints at all. The system works.

Now it works though because it’s a smaller area and we have the crew to monitor and enforce the 30-minute rule. But the vastness of the open decks on 10 and 11 and all around the Lanai on deck 5 that equal hundreds upon hundreds of chairs……..well simply and honestly we can’t do it. We just can’t. And after much discussion with the hotel director, guest services manager and the housekeeping manager we have decided we cannot make promises that we cannot keep. And so while we say in writing and in a scrolling message on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen and in my announcements that seat saving is not allowed, the 30 minute rule has been removed because it is something that we are not able to do. We just don’t have the numbers of staff working on deck. You may think of that as an excuse but it’s not. It’s the truth. The end.

There are, though, other points to mention here and one of those is the blatant disregard by guests who ignore what we ask and plonk towels, books, shoes, children and goats on the chairs as early as 7 am. Take yesterday for example. Normally on the first day of a nine-day cruise we are in Monaco but this cruise as there is no pier available we had a day at sea. So at 8:10am I walked across deck 10 to Lido to get some breakfast and at least 80 percent if not more of the chairs had towels on them, etc. Then at 8:30am after my delicious bowl of All-Bran and some scrambled eggs, I walked down to Deck 5 on The Lanai and at least 50 percent of those had towels and shows and stuff on them as well.

And so I made another announcement on the PA system late that morning and on the Morning Show but I know already that it will make bugger all difference. What has made it even more difficult here on Carnival Magic is the large number of Europeans we have on board and for the Germans, Dutch and British, getting to the chairs first is surely a few years away from being an Olympic sport. But the towel wars have a new champion here on the ship………the Russians. It looks like they have found a way to outsmart everyone by laying their towels in the early hours of the morning after apparently returning from the Vibe dance club and then heading to bed at 5 am.

So what’s the answer? Well I didn’t know the answer to this the last time I wrote about it and I doubt I will have any idea when I write about it again. There may be those who will say that RNL or NCR cruise lines don’t have this problem but that’s bollocks because they do. Any cruise ship and indeed any hotel that has 3,000 people staying there has this problem and until guests stop reserving chairs and realise it is not good manners to do so I expect it will remain a problem for many years to come.

On a lighter note, my first job was working in an office. It was a summer job, I was 16. I filed bits of paper and if I looked out of the window in the morning I had bugger all else to do in the afternoon. Going to work was a simple business. I would arrive through something called a “door,” punch-in something called a “card” through a “clock” and settle down for 10 or 12 hours of total boredom, breaking off only to eat my cheese and tomato sandwiches my Mum had made or to be beaten about the head by my merciless boss, a dragon lady called Peggy. She had a mole on her face from which sprang four long grey hairs that begged to be cut, trimmed or simply burnt off. So there I sat, at my desk. I had a chair, some files and ………well, that was it.

Indeed when I first started as a cruise director on the Carnivale, my desk looked pretty much the same. There was a chair that because the previous Cruise Director Brett Allen’s was a magician and therefore had the obligatory magician’s parrot, was covered in green dollops of bird crap. And indeed so was most of the cabin. On my desk there were only two things. A telephone which had been there since 1953 when the Carnivale was called the Empress of Something and was so heavy that you had to be an Olympic weightlifter to pick it up. The only other thing on my desk back in 1990, was a typewriter.

You see that’s how we used to do the Carnival Capers. Yep, we did them on a typewriter. I would type out what was happening such as:

2 pm……..Massive Huge Jackpot Bingo with a Prize of $25……….Mardi Gras Lounge

3 pm…….The Sexy Beer Drinking Wet T-Shirt Pillow Fighting Contest……Lido Deck. 

Then I would have to type out the meal choices as:

Lunch on Lido Deck. Hamburgers, Hot Dogs With Or Without Cheese………….Lido Deck.

Then, when I had typed these things out I would take a pair of scissors, cut the bit out, coat the back of it with some glue and, pausing only to squash another cockroach with my shoe, I would stick the paper on a legal size piece of blank white paper. To do this for a whole day’s worth of Capers would take me two hours at least and considering I had never used a typewriter in my life before I can honestly say my Capers were dreadful. Really, really dreadful.

But life was much simpler back then. I had my typewriter, the antique phone and a squashed cockroach on my desk. But today as I look at my desk here on the Carnival Magic I can’t believe how things have changed. Here’s what’s on my desk now.

So that’s:

• One desk top computer and hard drive and speakers.
• A Huge PA system in the wall
• A Walkie Talkie
• A Lap Top
• An Eye Pad – more on that later
• A Calculator
• A ship’s internal cell phone
• A Raspberry
• A Flip Video camera
• Various Crap

Look at this desk and you would think it belongs to an accountant or someone who works for the CI sodding A. But some people with beards will say, “Stop moaning you fat tub of lard. It’s called progress.” Well they may be right but talk to CDs like Steve Cassel and they will tell you how he would spend maybe two hours a day in the office and the rest walking the ship and hosting events. These days all cruise directors (myself very much included) get comments that say, “We didn’t see the CD anywhere except on stage.” Well that’s because the job has changed so so much. But that’s life and that is indeed progress.

Things have gotten so much more complicated over the years. Take computers and the requirement for usernames and passwords. This used to be manageable, requiring as it did little more than typing in a pass code or a phrase based on your love of Megan Fox’s bottom (ilovemegansbottom) or your random phrase (gerrycahillisastudmuffin).

However thanks to various tofu-eating bastards with beards the process of logging in to work is now as bloody difficult as trying to escape from Alcatraz. The last few days have been very busy for me what with a ship to run and trying to keep up with all the hurricane changes so I can keep you all updated over on Facebook. Therefore the last thing I needed was Mr. And Mrs. IT Beard informing me that password policy was changing and that our office and cabin computer passwords must now be eight characters long, contain a letter in upper case, a letter in lower case, a number, and character thingy ………e.g. ?, *, %, $. Oh FFS!

Meaning that “Bollockstothefrench or “servicedogmyarse” are no longer permissible and that even “Latvianwomen%4me*” will work only for a while as I am apparently required to change my password more often than I change my underpants.

So, there you go. Things were different and so much easier back then and while I miss those days I obviously appreciate email and communication devices that allow me to stay in touch with the girls. Would I swap anything now? Well, it’s nice not to sit in a chair covered in bird crap and I hated that typewriter but apart from that…….no……..I probably don’t. Oh, except one thing ………. the word Capers…………..I really miss calling them Capers.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

There were 1,000 guests in the room and my announcement about Barcelona had been met with mixed emotions. My Q&A’s are done with staff members in the lounge with microphones so that the rest of the guests can hear what others are saying and therefore here my answers as well. This saves me having the guests stand in line and me getting the same old questions over and over again. All I ask is that the guests tell us their name and where they are from.

My first question came from a lady from New York who surprisingly asked: “My name is Gwen from New York. Where can I get perfume?”

Now, she obviously meant in Marseilles, France, the following day but I needed the session to have a relaxed feel about it as possible before the Barcelona questions commenced so I answered: “Macys – it’s on 5th avenue, on the 3rd floor I think.” Now many of the audience laughed but unfortunately she didn’t and told me and the guests so by saying: “That’s not funny……..be serious.” That’s a quote………..that’s what she said exactly. Oh joy.

But what happened next was even more surprising. I took two more questions about why we weren’t going to Cannes or Monte Carlo or Greece and then the fourth question of the afternoon really was a shock. Why is there no woman captain or senior officers? This lady really let me have it and would not give up the microphone. I explained that we did have a female guest services manager on board (and many others throughout the fleet, as well as several female hotel directors over the years) and that one of the Italian senior officers liked to dress up in women’s clothing at weekends but that didn’t please her at all and she then referred…….on the microphone ………to Carnival Cruise Lines………..as sexist.

Blog friends, I have to tell you that this question summed up this past cruise and I will lament on this more in a moment but first, let’s think about this shall we? Hold on, before I answer I need to pause the DVD I am watching which is called Latvian Women Go Naked In A Swimming Pool Filled With Jell-O. Of course we are not sexist. OK, we have no female captains and no female chief engineers but there are lots of high-ranking female personnel here aboard ship and at the Miami offices. Besides if I was really sexist I would say that if we did allow female captains, the Promenade Deck would be furnished with lots of scatter cushions and the smoke stack pink.

Anyway, after I apologised to the lady who asked the question the subject moved back to Barcelona and normal service was resumed and next up was a man representing a group of people from……..well I had better not say because if I do I will be accused of being anti ……….. never mind but I am not, I know that but bugger me……….this group were so rude and I have a good mind to send them my dry cleaning bill as I took them to one side after the Q and A and all of them shouted at once……….and covered my blazer in spit.

I will finish this part of the blog by saying simply this. Most of the guests were happy and had a brilliant time but I can tell you on behalf of the guest services desk, the maitre d’s and most of the crew that quite honestly, that this was one of the toughest cruises ever. Never mind missing Palma ……..it just seemed that there was a collection of guests who were just plain miserable and in some cases just plain rude. The brand ambassador side of me hopes that they will be back so we can win them around and try again. The other side, the human side of me hopes that they all suddenly get a fetish for climbing walls or rodents with big ears. Actually, no I don’t because no crew, whatever line they work for deserve to have guests like that on board. So instead let me say I hope they never set foot on a ship again…….and I hope they all get an itch that can never be scratched. Be mad at me, be mad at Carnival. Shout at me, shout at Ken or the guest services manager.

Two hundred cabins also removed all their gratuities. They were mostly Americans although British and Israeli guests also removed them and while some tipped in cash many did not. I have no idea if they did this because tipping is not in their culture or if they did it because we missed a port……either way it’s a real shame. This is a very rare thing and despite the fact that the crew provided the same service and fun as the previous cruise and less than 30 cabins removed gratuities, this cruise for whatever reason it went up to 200. Carnival Magic though remains at number one in the fleet as per the reviews and scores from the online card.

It was one of the hardest cruises I have done in a long time and probably in hindsight it wasn’t the best idea to do an overnight in Barcelona which added a bit of fuel to the fire. In hindsight I think we (I) should have planned a day at sea but we (I) thought we were doing the best thing for the guests. There were some very difficult guests on board and the lady who complained about no female senior officers……scared the crap out of me. I think given the chance she would have gladly cut off my gentlemen’s sausage with a pair of blunt nail scissors…….and thrown into one of the Mongolian woks!

Time for another Q and A.

Bob asked:
John,

What is the current status of the Mexican ports? Specifically Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta.

Thank You

Bob

John says:
Hello Bob,

First of all my apologies to you and all the people I am answering today as I am a month behind in doing so. We continue to monitor the situation in Mexico and we continue to hope that one day we will return to Mazatlan as it is a great port but we’re not sailing there at the moment. Puerto Vallarta is also a great port and Carnival continues to send the Carnival Splendor and Carnival Spirit there. As I said it is a fluid situation and I’ll keep you posted here on the blog on what transpires. \

Best wishes.

John

William Johnson asked:
Hello John,

Hope you had a good break. Question from UK regarding booking on carnival.com. We have sailed twice with Carnival and booked through a travel agent having researched on carnival.com. You mentioned on the bloggy thing some months ago that the beards were looking to promote Carnival to the UK travelers more. The UK web site carnival.co.uk has very limited range of cruises, e.g. currently up to April 2012- I am looking at June 2012 so I tried via carnival.com- no luck; computer says no as it needs me to insert a US zip code. So my question is twofold, can a UK resident book via Carnival.com and secondly is there any move to keep the UK website up to date with the US one? Thanks and if we can sort this may see you on Carnival Breeze next year.

John says:
Hello William Johnson,

It’s applicable that you should ask this because this cruise, as I will be writing about in a moment, we have the largest amount of British guests we have ever had on the Carnival Magic. There is no doubt that the UK website is antiquated compared to the North American one and that’s why on October 1, a new website will be launched for the UK which will parallel carnival.com. I will be posting more about this closer to the time but I promise you will be very happy indeed and this whole zip code thing that UK cruisers find so frustrating will not be a concern anymore. Thanks so much and I hope I get to see you next year on the Carnival Breeze.

Best wishes

John

Tasha M asked:
John,

I agree with what David F said today that the servers and cabin people should speak better English. My cabin boy on the Carnival Sensation did not understand anything. I told him I wanted the bed moved against the wall so my 3 year old son would not fall out off the bed but it took three times me telling him before it was done. The waiter did not understand that I wanted a baked potato well done and crispy and I had to send it back twice on a four-day cruise trip. The crew did not speak English and I know you hire them because they are cheap labor but you should hire Americans for crew who serve the passengers.

John says:
Hello Tasha M,

First of all I hope you had a fun cruise and my apologies for the concerns you had with the crew. I would point out that all of our service crew all has to speak a certain level of English as per United States Coast Guard regulations so I am surprised that the waiter and stateroom steward did not understand your requests. It is very rare on any cruise line to find large numbers of American service staff but I will pass your comments onto the ship and my apologies again for the problems you encountered.

Best wishes.

John

Sunbeam Cruiser asked:
John,

If you are going to have homosexual and lesbian meetings each day as you said in your blog today why then don’t you have bible study or prayer meetings every day. I cannot believe that you and Carnival openly support homosexuality and lesbianism but not prayer and the opportunity to worship.

Oh and John I am a PLATINUM guest and will be sailing on the Carnival Dream for cruise number 14 on the Carnival Valor on September 3 and my husband and I would like a table for 2. This time we have a beautiful cabin 7363 and anything you can do for us would be appreciated. Please consider what I said. If you are going to have places for these kind of people to meet then surely you should have a place where believers in Christ can meet and worship together.

John says:
Hello Sunbeam Cruiser,

Many thanks for your loyalty and congratulations on cruise number 14 and a big thank you for your loyalty. I think you are referring to a blog I wrote in which I mentioned or indeed answered a question about the Friends of Dorothy meetings which does allow our gay and lesbian guests to meet in one of the ship’s lounges. And certainly when asked we are always happy to provide a lounge for guests who want to use it for bible study and prayer groups, etc. Unfortunately we rarely have a priest onboard to conduct services but if asked we will make sure we arrange meeting times and if you need this for the cruise on the Carnival Valor please let me know or just ask your Cruise Director Goose and he will arrange it for you. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Hanovich asked:
Hi John,

We’re booked on the 9/16 Carnival Magic sailing. When we return to Barcelona on the 25th our flight back to Houston does not leave till 8:40PM. We’ll be schlepping luggage so what do you suggest we do as far as excursions, etc?

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Dennis Hannovich,

It will not be long until you are here and please don’t worry about that late flight. I would really suggest the Montserrat excursion. The peace and tranquility of the monastery and the views from atop the mountain will be the perfect end to what I hope will be a brilliant time. The excursion will take you and your luggage there and return you to the Barcelona airport at approximately 4 pm. Please do let me know if you have any other questions and see you soon.

Best wishes

John

Kevin Potash asked:
Hi John,

Just returned from Carnival Magic and mostly it was a fun time. John, I had heard so much about you but honestly I have to say I don’t like your humor. I found you crass and immature and I would have preferred you be more informative and classy rather than try to be funny all the time. My favorite director is Ken Rush from RCI who could teach you a think of two about how to be a professional entertainer, host and performer. There is an ongoing vote on Cruise Critic about who is the best cruise director but there is no doubt that you will not get my vote which still goes to the one and only Ken Rush followed closely by Sinan on NCL. These are the best in the cruise industry John and they “look” like cruise directors where as you don’t John. I won’t say anymore than that as I don’t want to be cruel but I think you know what I mean.

I will say that the food was just as good as RCI and the steakhouse was very good value for money. Our waitress Martina was one of the best we have ever had and Ken Byrne was an excellent singer and dining room host. The only other comment I have is that the Carnival bed is not as comfortable as RCI and you need to get their coffee machines put on your Lido. RCI uses Starbucks coffee as their free coffee at breakfast etc but the coffee on Lido deck was undrinkable. Overall we enjoyed our cruise on Carnival Magic.

John says:
Hello Kevin Potash,

Ever since I started as a cruise director with Carnival I knew that not everybody would find my humour funny and I am still very much aware of this today. I am very sorry that you did not enjoy me and I can understand why you enjoy Ken Rush. I have never met him personally but his reputation of being one of the very best in the industry is well known and I know he introduces all of their new ships. I would love to see him work as I am sure I could learn a few things from him. I don’t know Sinan as this is the first time I have heard his…….or ummmm ……. is it a her……name. I am though thrilled that you had Martina as your waitress, she is one of our very best and I am not surprised that you thought she was so good. I also had no idea that RCI served free Starbucks on their Lido deck. I know they have a Starbucks on their ships but assumed you paid for that. We get comments from time to time about our Lido coffee but certainly I would not describe it as undrinkable. I do hope you had fun and thanks for your fair and honest review and I truly hope we see you again.

Best wishes,

John

D. Pettit asked:
John,

I need to make copies of professional pictures taken on my cruise. I was told that I need a release from Carnival Cruise lines in order to make copies at CVS. Where can I get a photo release form?

John says:
Hello D.Petit,

I have not heard of this before so let me check and if that’s the case (which I honestly don’t think it is) I will ask someone to provide you with what you need. Let me see what I can find out and I will let you and everyone know. And here is the answer from a beard in Miami “Guest Care can provide a release letter, all the guest needs to do is call and request it.” So there you go, please call into Carnival and we will take care of this for you. I learned something today.

Best wishes.

John

Lynn Myers asked:
Hello John,

I read on Cruise Critic today that Carnival is going to start charging for bringing bags on the ship like the airlines and that the evening room service where the bed is made will be canceled as well. Does Carnival really not want my business anymore?

John says:
Hello Lynn Myers,

I think the author of that particular Cruise Critic thread had been smoking a pair of my underpants before they wrote it as both are absolutely rubbish. I am sorry they wasted your time and got you all flustered for nothing. I am also thankful that by telling me you allowed me to tell anyone else that may have read this that it’s total and utter bollocks. I hope we see you again on one of our ships where your bags will be freely brought onboard and where your stateroom steward will make your bed twice a day every day……even if you haven’t slept in it.

Best wishes.

John

CrimsonTide 101 asked:
John,

Me and my buddies are going on the Carnival Triumph in March 2012 and we wanted to make sure that the March Madness games will be shown on your giant screen. You will have lots of spring breakers who will be very angry if not.

John says:
Hello CrimsonTide 101,

OK, I have to admit I had to ask Uncle Google what “March Madness” was as I didn’t have a clue. I hope I am right in saying you mean college basketball games and if that’s the case, I can tell you that some of the games will be shown if they are shown on the major networks or ESPN. What I can’t promise is that they will all be shown on the big screen on Lido as we have a full movie and concert schedule there but they will be shown in the sports bar. I hope you have fun and I see by your screen name that you love Crimson Tide as well. It’s a great movie although not as good as The Hunt For Red October. I hope you and your buddies have fun.

Best wishes.

John

Steve O asked:
Dear John (please respond, when you have time)

I wanted to give you a little rundown on my latest Carnival Triumph cruise that departed on June 25. As you know, our mutual friends, Carolyn & Don were also onboard. It was SO much fun. As I’ve told you previously I really love that ship and its crew. Embarkation was easy. Carolyn & Don are, of course, Milestone and I’m but a lowly Platinum ……we breezed right through VIP Check In. Linda Powell’s buddy Robert checked me in and he and Dolores who work there are so friendly. Embark was good, I love that uphill walk on the boarding ramp.….I actually tried to catch a ride with Carolyn on the back of her scooter but she didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea. Stopped to say “hi” to Farid at Guest Services….I refer to him as “Mr. Personality.” Then we went right up to Lido for some lunch. Immediately I began to see crew that I recognized from the April trip. That is so fun. A couple of my favorite dining room hostesses were working up there, Llianna and Nicoletta. Then ran into one of the Senior Team Waiters Gede…..we first met him when we did BC3 in May 2010 with you and Sexy Craig. Gede is such a super guy.

I ran (well, waddled really) down to “see” the maitre d’ at 1 pm. Wanted to see what table he’d assigned me. Of course it was the delightful Jean Pierre (tell Ken to look out, he can really sing too). He almost fainted when I told him I had a German salami (on ice) in my carry-on. Even without that gift he had already seated me at a perfect round table….actually the very same one I had in April. What a guy. I went down to deck zero, I mean deck 2, and found my cabin and guess what? I had the same cabin steward, Maynor from Costa Rica, that I had in April. He actually called my name when he was so far down the hall that I couldn’t tell who it was. He is not only a great steward he is SUPER friendly and fun to visit with. He had already loaded my cabin full of goodies from you and Tex….you guys went OVERBOARD but I was thrilled, thank you. I always send myself flowers and the medium fruit basket so NEVER had there been a little inside cabin with that many gifts in it.

Off to late dinner and perfect table mates. A couple from Olive Branch, MS and a family of five from Albuquerque. We had so much fun. I even talked some of them in to doing The Chef’s Table. That event was done THREE times on that five-night cruise. Our waiter was Alphonso and he’s VERY friendly and very efficient. By the way, the couple from Mississippi had never been on a cruise, it was cruise #1 (and they loved it).

After dinner we caught the Welcome Show and waved at Tex. He’s a smoothie and really gets the crowd going. Of course we ran into ACD Charlie…….he so nice and so many laughs. Carolyn, Don and I hope that CCL will be looking to get him up to the “big chair” one of these days. He’s really a treasure John.

Speaking of The Chef’s Table it was THE BEST (so far). The executive chef now is Allan Gomes and he really does a fantastic job with this. Of course you already know that the galley tour during dinner service is worth the entire $75 to me. I was instantly recognized by three of the young chefs…..poor things hadn’t been able to forget me in the two months since I appeared there in April. On the Carnival Triumph they serve the dinner in the library, and to me, it is the perfect venue. The only thing that disappointed me was that NOTHING broke in the galley while we were there. Darn, I told them I like to hear a few broken plates like all the other times. The F&B Manager, Mario, said, “Just stay a few more minutes, IT WILL happen tonight.”

Wow, this is way too long BUT I wanted you to know how much fun I had. Oh, Tex & Charlie invited the three of us to have lunch with them on the final sea day. THAT was so great….a super honour (spelt correctly according to you). Rather like being invited to dine with her Majesty Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip or YOU actually

As I said earlier, I love the Carnival Triumph and her crew. They haven’t seen the last of me this year, the poor sods. I intend to surprise them a couple more times. I hope they’re ready for that.

Your OLD mate,

Steve O

Johns says:
Hello Steve O,

Another brilliant review and I shall pass this immediately to the ship and let them see just what an impression they made on you. All those you mentioned are one of the reasons why Carnival stays at the top in what is a very competitive industry. I loved the fact that you referred to dining with Tex and the staff as like dining with the Queen and I am sure they enjoyed it just as much as you did. Thanks so very much for taking the time to write and by doing so you will encourage others I am sure to cruise on the Carnival Triumph and will have those you mentioned smiling from ear to ear.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

That’s all for today.

Well I am not going to talk anymore about last cruise and concentrate on the now. So far it is going well but, this is a different cruise as well as you will see now when I show you who is sailing.

Total Guests – 4,643 – which by the way is our largest count so far

FRENCH 162

DUTCH 86

RUSSIAN 293

PORTUGUESE 62

ITALIAN 46

GERMAN 81

ISRAELI – 284

SPANISH 418

CANADIAN 718

BRITISH 1,038

USA – 1,347

OTHER – 392

So where do we start here? Well certainly there is only one place and that’s with the French count of 162 which I have never seen before which has meant the translation of Fun Times into French and has had the housekeeping manager running around trying to order more air freshener. Then we have 293 Russians and all I can say to that is “Oh joy” and lots of other nationalities, as well. The other thing that stands out is that there are 1,038 British on board. This week is traditionally the busiest get away week in the UK and it’s great to see that Carnival is finally attracting big numbers of UK guests as I think the product we have truly suits them. More on this in the week here on the blog.

Let’s look at the kid count.

Now this cruise is also a little different so let’s have a look at where we are going and who is entertaining them along the way.

A bit different with a call to Savona instead of Livorno which means we run tours to some beautiful places.

Here are the most popular:

Portofino Pleasures
• Explore the beautiful and picturesque resort of Portofino
• Enjoy the boat ride from Santa Margherita to the bay of Portofino; marvel at the green vegetation; the wild rocks and little inlets
• Visit the famous Piazzetta where you can browse through elegant boutiques and small, colorful streets (on August 16th some stores might be closed – national holiday in Italy)

Santa Margherita, Portofino & Camogli
• Visit 3 wonders of the 2 gulf in this wonderful full day excursion
• Enjoy the boat ride from Santa Margherita to the picturesque bay of Portofino
• Explore famous Piazzetta and free time
• Sail back to Santa Margherita where you will have free time to explore this small town
• Travel to colorful village of Camogli, famous for its brightly painted houses and a network of alleys and covered passageways

And look at that, three sea days at the end of the cruise which means wonderful Med cruising. So overall we look like we are in for a great cruise and my only concern is that so many of the guests won’t understand me or some of the shows.

Time to talk about two Mickys. Did you know that our Micky Arison is on Twitter now?…….Yep, I was talking to a beard and they were telling me again that I should be twittering and then said that our chairman was and would be using it to talk about the industry we all love so much.

So follow him or twit with him or whatever you call it at Twitter – @MickyArison

I have feeling that for those of us who love cruising, the insights of the chairman of the world’s most successful cruise company should be pretty fascinating.

I said I wasn’t going to talk about last cruise again but that’s not strictly true because I have to refer to the little walk Heidi and I had on Saturday while the ship was in Barcelona. With Kye having fun at Camp Carnival, we decided to take a walk along the pier rather than around the ship as I didn’t want to get shouted at or covered in spittle. So off we went along the pier and to look at the Disney ship that was docked with us bow to bow. Before I continue let me say I have nothing but respect for Disney. I know bugger all about their shipboard operations but I do know that their land parks are incomparable and provide amazing entertainment to millions of people. I say this because yesterday I lost two friends from my Facebook thingy because I made a joke about the old Micky Mouse song……you know……

M…. I …… C ….. K ……. E …… Y ……. M …….. O …. U … S….E……………and yesterday I spelt the last word incorrectly and instead of saying

M….I……C…..K…….E……Y…….M……..O….U…S….E…………….I said ……… M …. I …… C ….. K ……. E…… Y…….O……..U….S…O….B

Well, that was a mistake because I got a massive bollocking from some of the readers and two de-friended me as quickly as a Frenchman de-friends a stick of roll-on deodorant. It seems you can make fun of the French and say Judge Judy is a lap dancer and talk about my underpants but saying anything wrong about the mouse and you are the devil.

So then , before I continue let me say once again that I think Disney are an amazing company and yet I also have to comment on what I saw yesterday because as we walked down the pier I could not believe what I was seeing. The Disney ship was on turnaround (embarkation day) and one would expect it to be full of kids screaming in delight when they see Mickey is standing by the gangway to meet them. Well the kids were there all right, hundreds of them getting out of the buses and the taxis to go through the terminal but they were not alone. Until you have watched cruising adults regressing so far back into childhood they could practically be wearing diapers you cannot know the true meaning of a behavior that could only be described as …… ummm ………….dare I say “strange?” I hadn’t realised that there are adults in this world who subject themselves to the ordeal of Disney without children. Honestly, I had no idea. There were women in their sixties wearing Minnie Mouse ears. Grown men wearing Micky Mouse shirts and Goofy shirts and Donald shirts. I have seen some people get excited when their bus or car or cab draws up to a Carnival ship but bloody hell you should have seen it yesterday in Barcelona.

Couples in orgasmic spasms of ecstasy because they’ve seen the Disney ship and caught a glimpse of Donald Duck hanging off the side of the smokestack…………And, no, not a child or grandchild in sight. These people probably don’t drink or smoke or use the ship’s casino (if there was one), but they would trample a seven-year-old underfoot to beat them to a photo opportunity by the lido pool with a giant rodent.

Maybe I just don’t understand well enough the thing that is Disney. It can bring out the spectacular best in children but from what I saw on Saturday it can make adults go absolutely bonkers. I have been to Disney in Florida and no doubt as Kye gets older I will have to go again although personally I would rather have rectal surgery. But if we do go I won’t be one of those parents who shove their offspring into the path of any passing Disney character, Eye Phones capturing the moment but ignoring the fact that they’ve just shoved someone else’s crying toddler to the floor. Yep, as I said, I am sure Disney Cruise Line’s operation is as brilliant as their-land based theme parks but after what I saw yesterday…………give me a sixty year old guest in a Carnival funnel hat any day.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John