I met two guests this morning as I got my coffee. They were very sad because they were having to leave the ship today in Puerto Vallarta because there had been a death in the family……………….. (more…)

I have now committed to being the cruise director on your Carnival Magic. It makes sense for me to do this as I have to host the first arrival events in Galveston and I have let people down the last two times on the Carnival Freedom and Carnival Splendor because my schedule changed. However, as I have been and always will be with you here on this blog thingy, I have to be honest and tell you I am somewhat apprehensive about serving as CD to this wonderful ship.
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For the last few weeks my eyes have been hurting me and I being a man have been completely ignoring it. It comes and it goes, that feeling like I have been punched in the eyes by a very angry Mike Tyson coupled with the fact that they itch and are as dry as a Saudi Arabian happy hour.
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During the last week or so I have been getting more used to this thing called Facebook. I have been trying to pass on daily updates as to what is happening here onboard and I have to say it seems to be working. Don’t get me wrong. I much prefer blogging because you are only allowed 400 letters and if you go over you get a bollocking from the Facebook police.
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Guest: Mrs.     Ref: 842027114A
Cabin: ————- Added-Changed: 08/30/10 – 08/30/10

C – ——- – POTENTIAL ILLNESS
Gst with symptoms of potentially infectious illness has been isolated. All necessary requirements as per policy carried out to make the guests feel comfortable. Note: Guest was very abusive to staff as she feels that she should not have to remain in cabin as directed. Security called

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You see a lot when you go backstage during one of our production shows. The dancers run around changing out of one costume into another and there are times when they do this right in front of you as you stand there waiting to announce the bows and finale of the show. Now some of you with Adams Apples may think that this sounds exciting……and maybe 20 years ago ….. well …….it might have been.
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So I came back stage ready for the Marriage Show and was horrified to discover that one of the entertainment staff was playing some hip hop rap crap drum and arse bollocks as pre-show music. I rapidly inserted my foot in his bottom and then asked why he was playing Pee Diddly and Snoop the sodding Dog before a show about love and honeymoon and romance. The excuse of “it’s all we have got backstage” resulted in my other foot finding a resting place in his chocolate starfish.

So, after the show I called the DJ and asked him for some more appropriate music. He then told me that this would take a day or two as he needed to “burn some CDs.” Now, I know that “burn some CD’s ” doesn’t involve pouring gasoline over Todd Wittmer (more…)

I went to the Red Carpet Dance Club last night. Not the sort of sentence I get to write very often, because I enjoy nightclubs less than I enjoy having a colonoscopy. But because one of my staff had her 21st birthday and the entire department was going and because they expected me to pay for the drinks………..I promised to come for a few minutes

Obviously, at 45, I was more than a decade older than almost everyone else, and subsequently may as well have been smeared head to toe with my in yak poo. (more…)

OK, Mrs. God……..I won’t……I promise. But I can’t help doing some pretty serious coveting about my friend Spencer who has just sent me photos of his new house in the green pastures of Surrey in the UK. It’s a stunning Georgian house set in 15 acres of beautiful gardens and has stables, an indoor swimming pool, and a huge pond full of crap……….. (more…)

“Your toothbrush may be killing you”……..so screamed the pop up thingy on my computer this morning as I turned on the BBC News website. Obviously this was met by me shouting “what a load of bollocks” at Mr. Dell but curiosity got the better of me and so I read the commercial.

And according to this online advert it turns out we are so cavalier about tooth hygiene that it’s not uncommon to find all manner of nasties on a toothbrush and it got me thinking. We use the same brush for months…..and in my case probably years, letting it fester in the bathroom gathering bacteria in its moist bristles and then we shove it in our mouths.
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