So we went shopping and at a Walmartish-type of shop, I loaded the cart with bits and pieces having worked out that I would spend five pounds per kid which considering there are 18 kids coming equals………oh bugger……..where is the sodding calculator…….well, anyway, it equals a s**t load of money. As I loaded the sticker books and candy into the cart, I caught my wife looking uncomfortable. “Will that be enough?” she said. Enough, are you kidding? When I was a kid and we went to a another kids party we got bugger all except a bowl of ice cream and balloon animal that — regardless of what the parent who had made it said — did not look like a poodle or a giraffe but a thingy. “Yes,” said Heidi, “but Kye had just been to a children’s party where each kid got a Princess dress with matching shoes and handbag from the Disney store.”

Maybe this is what kids expect now and it was only because my arms were full of Peppa Pig stickers and lollipops, I did not lie down right there in the store and have a nervous breakdown.
I am not sure how it is where you live, dear bloggers, but children’s parties have become a stage for ridiculous spending and a contest to see who can throw the best. A friend of mine lives on a posh island in Miami where kids are flown by private plane to an island in the Bahamas for their birthday and where Justin Beaver is paid millions to sing Happy Birthday to a seven-year-old. But I don’t live in Miami but in a little town in Essex but even there it’s bloody ridiculous. I know one parent who spent loads of cash on a Willy Wonka party for 30 children where so much chocolate was served that many of the kids left the party as diabetics. What will these parents do when their children reach 21, charter a cruise ship and fill it with Latvian lap dancers? Anyway, Kye and friends will have food, cheap bags of candy and a huge bouncy Peppa Pig thingy I have hired in the garden. And before you think I am being cheap here, let me tell you I am not because each and every one of Kye’s friends will all get something no other parent in Essex can match. Yep, they are all getting a Carnival Breeze solid gold plastic ship on a stick.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Andy asked:
John

I am the husband of Marivonne Diaz. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making her crash cruise of the BC5 such a Magical time (pun intended). She had such a wonderful time meeting you and talks about you every day. Sorry I was unable to meet you as well, even though I tried on two bookings, but when she was talking to her fellow Cuzins I just had to give her my blessing to go without me. Maybe the next time I will get the pleasure of meeting you, as well. Again, THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Andy

There is absolutely no need to thank me as it was a true privilege to meet your wonderful wife on Bloggers Cruise 5. I truly hope we will meet one day too and enjoy some Carnival fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Jeanette Politti asked:
John,

One of the reasons we cruise Carnival seven times in four years is because of the bang we get for our buck but the food in the MDR has taken a dive I think and there have been multiple comments on Cruise Critic too about this. What’s going on, big guy?

John says:
Hello Jeanetee Politti

I am glad you appreciate the value for money and I have noted your comment about your opinion of the food we serve in the dining room although it took me a few minutes to work out what MDR meant. The most recent menu has been met with mostly excellent comments as shown on the cards we receive from those guests who are sent one. Most of our new dining options, from Guy’s burgers and Cantina to the Taste Bar and Punchliner Brunch — are completely free of charge – and illustrates the brilliant value for money Carnival provides.
Best wishes.

John

Amy Salvage asked:
John,

My husband and I just took a seven-day cruise this past February 27 on Carnival Magic and had a wonderful experience. As first time cruisers, we enjoyed it immensely. So much that we have already booked another cruise on the Carnival Triumph this coming October 22. We really enjoyed the shows and the Carnival Magic dancers were awesome! All the crew members (employees) whether they were in the buffet areas, or tidying up the cabins or doing maintenance work on the decks, EVERYONE was so very pleasant and helpful. We never encountered an unhappy attitude with any of them. I’m wondering if you will possibly be on the Carnival Triumph in October. If not, then I hope there will be a cruise director as good as you. We enjoyed your talent and hope to actually meet you face to face on one of our future cruises. We are definitely hooked.

John says:
Hello Amy Savage

It’s a joy to read that as first time cruisers you had such a brilliant time that you are “hooked” and this is of course thanks to the brilliant crew of the Carnival Magic. I will make sure that they see your words of praise and that we will indeed see you again soon. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Thanks for the great post.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kris Marek asked:

I am in strong agreement with the person who wrote that the workers limited English skills has a negative effect on the cruise experience. Case in point was the bar servers in the bars on Carnival Liberty who never once understood my drink orders and who were rude. There were no genuinely informative lectures about the upcoming ports of call (or anything else), and we found that disappointing. Frequently, several activities were scheduled at the same time, or very nearly so, and we had to choose among several attractive-sounding options at the same time which is ridiculous planning. Finally and for reasons we never understood, dinner was interrupted at least once almost every night by bursts of (very loud) music and waiters dancing on serving tables. I think this was supposed to be fun but it was not! There were some good points. The cabin boy was attentive and friendly and the food choice on the lido deck was very good but the lack of English skills and poor planning of activities and that awful loud music in the dining room are areas Carnival will need to improve on if they want to be successful.

John says:
Hello Kris Marek

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and I am glad to see that you had some good points. I know that many of our crew have accents, myself included, but we all speak English and indeed have to pass a test in order to work in guest areas. This is why I am so surprised about your comment regarding the bar staff but I will pass this onto the ship’s management. It was also interesting to read your comments about the dining room because recently here and on Facebook we discussed this and there were many hundreds of comments posted with the vast majority saying they liked the fun atmosphere the music and dances that the servers perform. However, it is not for everyone, so please let me apologise for the disruption it caused in your dining experience. I am glad the gentleman who took care of your stateroom was a highlight and the stateroom steward as his position is called is a fine example of our brilliant crew. I do hope you had fun and that we will see you again and I have as I said, sent your review to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Clarice Hudson asked:
Hi John,

I feel so privileged to have met you on the Carnival Splendor. I just got off the Carnival Inspiration yesterday with my daughter and three grandchildren. I took them on a cruise for their spring break, along with many other families on board for the same reasons. I was surprised that there was no comment cards handed out on this cruise. I wanted to let you know we absolutely loved CD Matt and Assistant CD Weezie. They were so good at recognizing the kids as we walked about the ship and at the shows. Also loved “Buttercup,” Clair and Nick, as well. I can’t remember our waiter’s name at dinner or the drink server who always remembered what the kids wanted to drink and always brought them with extra cherries (until the ship ran out of cherries on the last night). I will say I was a little disappointed with the room staff who never introduced themselves like others have done on my other cruises. As for the shore excursions, we did have a good time. We were shorted one ticked on the first excursion when they were delivered to my room and had to go ashore and get it worked out. The beach party in Rosorita was a little disappointing in that the Rock Wall was broken and the kids really wanted to try it…..but all in all even though the weather was cold, they all had a good time….grandma had to come home to get sleep and rest up, but I wouldn’t have traded the time we had together on this trip for anything.

Thank you to all the staff for a wonderful spring break trip.

Clarice

John says:
Hello Clarice

I can see from your post that grandma did indeed need a rest after that very active cruise and thank you for telling me all about your adventures. I will make sure that the ship takes note of your comments including reminding the stateroom stewards to introduce themselves to the guests. I think your grandchildren are so very lucky to have grandma take them on a cruise and I hope you are rested and ready to do it all again very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful review.

Best wishes to you all.

John

The Igbinedion Family Group asked:

Why are there so few black performers in your shows? I say this based on my last cruise on your ship Carnival Liberty there were no black dancers and all the comedians were white. I hope there is a good explanation for this but it left me and my party with a bad taste in my mouth. Why does Carnival not employ black entertainers?

John says:
Hello Igbinedion Family Group

First of all, I do hope that you had a great cruise and secondly I am glad you wrote to me regarding this as there is indeed a simple explanation. The dancers are hired based on talent and that is all and we can only choose from who attends the auditions we hold. We have 200 plus dancers and singers working across the fleet and boast a diverse cast on our 23 (soon to be 24) ships. I can tell you that here on the Carnival Breeze our dance captain and one of the best dancers I have ever seen is indeed African-American as is the lead male singer. As for the comedians, well, again, they are scheduled according to availability and, of course, their talent and had you been on another ship that week you may have seen Happy Cole, Percy Cruise, Dean Gaines or one of our many African-American comedians who work for us. So thanks again for taking the time to write and hopefully my explanation has helped you all understand and I hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Annette Zgeb asked:
Dear John,

In 2009 my husband and I were on the Carnival Splendor for a back to back to back South America cruise. It was seven weeks and it was awesome. One of the “speakers” was a naturalist named Dirk Yonkerman. He was fantastic, knowledgeable, interesting, charming and just plain nice. February 2013 we are fortunate to be on the Carnival Splendor again for another back to back to back cruise, this time going the opposite direction. Would it be possible to find out if Dirk will be on this cruise again?

John says:
Hello Annette Zgeb

What a fantastic voyage that was and I see you are doing this again and that is just brilliant. I remember getting so many great comments about Dirk so, yes, indeed, I will make sure that I send this to the beards and ask that they give serious consideration to doing this again. I will keep you informed as to what is happening and wish you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Big Duck asked:
Heald,

Can you tell me how many hours the crew work each day. A friend of mine said that they work 15 hours a day, seven days a week, which, if true, is DISGUSTING!

John says:
Hello Big Duck

I am afraid whoever told you this is quackers….sorry…..silly duck joke there. Seriously, though, it is not true. The crew’s working hours are strictly regulated and are recorded on a clock-in/ clock-out system we call Fun Time. These hours are strictly monitored by management on board and shoreside and are also looked at by U.S. Coast Guard, as well. The crew work hard, that is for sure but no crew member works 15 hours a day that I can assure you.

Best wishes.

John

Marshann Johnson asked:

My son and I are planning on buying the excursion to swim with the dolphins in the Bahamas. My husband is not going to do it. Is there a fee for him to watch?

John says:
Hello Marshann Johnson

Yes indeed, he will be able to go and watch you swim with these beautiful animals. If he decided to go on the excursion with you there will be a small fee for transportation but that is all. I hope you have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have fun.

John

Tracey Flynn asked:
John,

I want to give a shout out to the staff in the RedFrog Pub on Carnival Magic. They rocked and deserve a big raise. Please tell the beards. Love the blog and Facebook updates and love Carnival

John says:
Hello Tracey Flynn

I love this post and I will indeed make sure that your praise for those in the RedFrog is heard loud and proud. I hope we see you again soon and I hope also you continue to enjoy the blog and Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

And on that excellent note, so ends the Q and A for now.

So, let’s talk Italian food, shall we? Obviously I have been privileged to travel to many parts of Italy with the various ships and being in the shipyards and eating with Italian captains in their dining rooms on board has given me a wonderful insight to their culture and their food. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Italian cookery, though. Two reasons why. First of all, there is the pasta which when you are trying to lose weight and when you are diabetic and need to control carbs, Italian food is not your best mate. The second reason I am not a fan is garlic. I hate garlic. I would rather eat a dead hamster that has been marinated in my underpants for a month than eat anything with garlic in it or on it.

Now I can see some of you bloggers sitting there, in your underpants, saying, “John, you are an idiot, garlic is wonderful.” No…..it’s not….it’s revolting. Not just the taste…..but the smell. Bugger me, the smell. Try coming onto the bridge of the Carnival Breeze early in the morning and have the captain talk to you inches from your face after eating a huge dish of pasta de soddinggarlico the night before. I’d rather have H82Seaugo serve me a plate of skunk scrotum while dressed as Cleopatra than eat anything with garlic in it.

But I am in the minority and most people I know love Italian food and if I didn’t have a beach ball living in my stomach, then I would love it too and I would therefore be able to eat at the best Italian restaurant on the seven seas…….Cucina del Capitano. Already a huge success on the Carnival Magic, the Cucina will be featured here on Carnival Breeze, as well. For those who are not familiar with this concept, let me explain. At lunchtime the restaurant serves the finest pasta at no extra charge but it is at night when the Cucina really comes alive. Now the idea of this is not just to serve the best Italian food and the most absolutely ridiculous price anywhere — $12 for adults and $5 for kids aged 11 and under — but for you to sit around the table and eat it family style. And that just doesn’t mean that we will serve the pasta in big steaming bowls, no, it means that if you are the Cahill family from Florida, you get to dine with the Berlusconi family from Naples. Let’s have a look at the menu that we will serve here on the Carnival Breeze. There are a few changes with the biggest being that we have a new signature dish here chosen by the master of the Carnival Breeze, Captain Vincenzo Alcaras. So have a look but I do not advise you to do so on an empty stomach.

Click to zoom in

What would you have?

And now let’s remind ourselves about the menu on the Carnival Magic:

Click to zoom in

So now what would you have? Oh, and don’t forget the Chianti cart that serves the perfect wine to complement your $12 feast…did I mention it was only $12?

So here is a bit of news for you. Starting today, we are going to take direct reservations for the Cucina del Capitano on the Carnival Magic and I will explain how in a moment. Once the restaurant is up and running here on the Carnival Breeze, we will take reservations also but I have been asked by the chef to wait a few days into service before we do this so I am afraid we won’t be able to do it for the first cruise and reservations will have to be made on board.

To make reservations for this un-missable restaurant please can you e mail MCCUCINA@carnival.com. Please keep the email simple and only include the following information.

Name
Cabin #
Number of guests for dinner
Preferred Time for dining

Payment will be on board after you’ve dined.

And that’s it – so easy to make a reservation at the brilliant Cucina del Capitano.

Now allowing you to email the ship directly is a big change for us but I have been asked to let you know that the hostess will not be able to take The Chef’s Table or steakhouse reservations, only Cucina del Capitano reservations and those for now must be done online via my blog please. But the hostess will reply with confirmation for your Cucina reservation and we will do the same as I mentioned for the Carnival Breeze soon.

What I love about Cucina is that you get exactly what you order. Let me explain what I mean by that. These days, posh restaurants serve food where everything tastes and looks like something else. You order lamb because you like lamb. But at places with Michelin stars and full of pop stars your lamb arrives at the table in wrapped in banana leaves so now my lamb tastes like a sodding fruit basket. Cucina has everything, food that tastes exactly as you would expect, except even better. Brilliant unbeatable value for money and entertainment, as well, which I won’t spoil the surprise about. Food is a big part of what makes the Cucina a brilliant dining experience great but so also is the sense of family it creates while you eat there.

So here I am in Italy once more, a country united by language and religion and divided by almost everything else. You know, Italians often sound as if they’re having a vicious argument, even when they’re discussing soccer, cars or rumpy pumpy. Yet these arguments are not really arguments, they are conversations spoken passionately and with arms waving around like a demented traffic cop. Through my exposure to Italians cruising to Italian ports and eating with captains and chief engineers (and, of course, getting ships ready in Italian shipyards), I have learned that they will never agree about food. Sicily, for example, has a cuisine completely different from Naples but it’s far more complicated than that. I remember one of my great friends Captain Angelo Los telling me once that in his small home town near Genoa one family will make its pasta completely differently to the pasta a mile down the road. Individual families have recipes they guard and swear by more than Colonel Sanders does.

The only other thing that unites all Italians is the total belief that there is no edible Italian food outside of Italy……..but in the case ofCucina del Capitano………..they are absolutely wrong.

Bona Note.

Your friend,

John

These buggers made my life boring. I am not a violent man but when I am bored I find myself thinking about doing bad things to Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit with a chainsaw. Why is the fat bloke talking about boredom I hear you cry? Surely he is too busy with the new ship and the blog and Facebook and www.Latvianwomeninsuspenders.com and stuffing his face with pasta, isn’t he?

Well yes, for the most part you would be right but not yesterday. Carnival Breeze is on sea trials, the yard office is closed and the young entertainment staff and Calvyn all decided to go to a club on Saturday night and on Sunday they took the train to Venice leaving me all on my own and bored out of my sodding mind.

Monfalcone is a lovely little town and I really tried to think of something to do but having been here many times, I knew there would be bugger all apart from eating and shopping. Now I could have gone to the art gallery but that would have taken my boredom to a whole new level. You see, with the greatest respect to those who love art, I would rather have someone pump gas into the crack of my arse and then have H82seaugo set it on fire then go to an art gallery. Once, when I was an idiot, I went to Paris with the young lady I was dating at the time who insisted we go to see the Mona Lisathingy at the Louvre. So we took the tour of the gallery where a French guide spoke for 45 minutes about her sodding smile. He knew everything about the painting but bugger all about deodorant. I think that the Mona Lisa is covered by bullet proof glass to stop people like me who are bored out their minds taking a knife to it just to stop Pierre the tour guide from endlessly talking about it. And I’m sorry but I think a painting of Megan Fox’s bottom is far better than anything Leonardo Da Vinci ever did. OK, time to stop talking about being bored and time to crack on with some Q and A………..off we go.

Debbie Chisora asked:

Perhaps you should listen to Dave C and his offer to help you John. I was on the cruise with you in the Baltic on the Carnival Splendor and you were carrying a lot of extra weight and at times your appearance did not IMHO come up to the expectations of the passengers. My daughter had a recurring weight problem and thanks to Bonita Fat Burner pills which has 100% natural herbal ingredients so it’s perfectly safe for your body to take. This miracle pill has taken my daughter’s weight from 375 pounds to 280 pounds in just nine months and I think you should consider this John, again IMHO. The other reason I am writing to your blog is to tell you that we will be with you on the Carnival Breeze on the September 7 cruise from Barcelona. Our last cruise on Carnival Dream we had a big problem with dinner as my husband and I who are in our late 50s and our daughter were sat with two other couples both in their 20s. Come on Carnival, how does that make sense? Well, after the first day we demanded to be moved and were given a table just for us three which we much prefer and that’s what we would want again, a private table for the three of us. I hope this can be arranged and I will bring you some of the Bonita Fat Burner pills and maybe you can speak to Dayna my daughter about how it has helped her. Thank you John and please watch your weight. Booking #******

John says:
Hello Debbie Chisora

Thanks for thinking of me, you are most kind. Many congratulations on your daughter’s weight loss and while I thank you for the suggestion please don’t worry about the pills. I am doing this important weight loss myself my way and indeed I think I have lost a bit of weight since we last cruised together. I will certainly help you with your table for three and as we are sometime away from the sailing date please may I ask that you send me your request one month before you sail. So, on August 7 please send it here marked time sensitive or maybe you can send me a note to my Facebook page 10 days before so either way I don’t forget. I will see you soon and wish you all a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Daniel Bearcrofter asked:

I have been on many cruises with Costa, Holland America and we just returned from our eight Carnival cruise so as you can see my wife and I love to cruise! Boarding was a breeze. Maybe because we got on the ship at 2pm, embarkation was the quickest ever. Tampa is a fantastically easy port to begin with; this boarding was absolutely exceptional in that there were zero people ahead of us. Check-in to room was probably done in less than 10 minutes, including a stop for the obligatory boarding-day picture! Ship is probably the ugliest Carnival ship I’ve ever been on. I’m betting designer Joe Farcus wishes he could go back and re-do this ship. Everyone has a bad day, and alas this was not Joe’s best effort. That said, his bad day designing ship interiors for Carnival will be better than any of us could ever hope for. The glass art on stairwells was pretty nice, but the rest of the ship left me cold. As Carnival’s chief architect, Farcus does some amazing work, but I just didn’t love this one. Cabin staff was amazing and our cabin attendant, Anoop from India, was wonderful. These guys work extremely hard and if you appreciate their efforts, please show it with a little something in U.S. currency! Likewise, with our wait staff (Salvo from Croatia and assistant Carlos) for table 221, early seating. Wonderful job and great ambassadors for Carnival. These guys too work extremely hard. I didn’t get a comment card. I wanted to make sure the people who made this cruise special were recognized.

John says:
Hello Daniel Bearcrofter

Thank you for this wonderful review. Joe Farcus has a brilliant mind and his entertainment architecture is certainly a escape from the everyday way we live our lives. Everyone has their own favourite Joe designed ship and Carnival Legend is certainly one of mine. I want to say a huge thank you for taking the time to write and I will make sure that everyone you mentioned gets to see your words of praise for their fantastic work.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nancy Zeman asked:
Hello John:

Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading it and about all the new things coming down the pike with Carnival. My brother, niece, and her boyfriend, and I will be going on another Carnival cruise, May 26 from Miami. We loved our first cruise on Carnival last year. This will be my ninth cruise (second on Carnival) but I have always cruised on the Carnival family of companies. We appreciate the low-key atmosphere and the great ports – including Grand Turk! What a wonderful time we had there. We’ve had a rough year as a family as my 80-year-old mother has been ill due to a brown recluse spider bite. My brother, Mick, who will be sharing a cabin with me, has been her primary caretaker. This cruise will be his first chance to get away from the responsibilities of caring for her. I was wondering if there is something special you could do for him? We will be on the Carnival Liberty (can’t wait to try Guy’s place!) in stateroom 6395. I appreciate anything you could do John. I hope to one day cruise with you.

Sincerely,

Nancy Zeman

John says:
Hello Nancy Zeman

Goodness me, I think the words “spider bite” will terrify many reading this and I send my best wishes to Mum and I will indeed send him something.

I hope you can all relax and have fun together and I wish you the best of times.

John

Martin Mays asked:
John,

I just wanted to take a minute and recognize one of the Carnival staff for doing an outstanding job and going above and beyond what I would consider his normal job. His name is Aaron Johnson and he’s a personal vacation planner. My family and I have been booking our cruise vacations through him for the last few years and no matter what questions or issues we may have, he has always been available to us even on his days off. He’s always been extremely friendly and courteous and goes out of his way to make sure our vacations are hassle free. I’ve referred him to many friends and they all have said the same thing. Please pass this up or down the chain so his supervisors know what a great job he does.

Thank you.

Martin Mays

John says:
Hello Martin Mays

It is always wonderful when we read of the shoreside people who have worked hard to make sure the arrangements for your cruise have been taken care of in a special way. I will make sure Aaron sees this as will his boss so thanks very much for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Whitney asked:
Hi John!

First and foremost I would like to thank you for the hard work you put in to help all of us. I truly learn so much from your blog and Facebook. It’s also interesting to see into the career
of a cruise director. Seeing the problems you have to deal with makes me happy I’m not in customer service because I know I’m not even half as patient as you are! My question is about excursions. My husband and I are going on our second cruise in May. The place I’ve wanted to visit most since a child is Grand Cayman. I want to see the most that I can, so we booked two excursions through Carnival. The times don’t overlap, but there is only 30 minutes between the time the first is over and the second starts. The second is a trip to Seven Mile Beach which I know is relatively easy to get to without a Carnival excursion, but my husband refuses to do anything yet that is not a Carnival excursion as he’s afraid to miss the boat. I wanted your opinion on if we should cancel our beach excursion and take a taxi to the beach or if we should be fine with doing the two excursions. Thanks John so much for all that you do!! You truly are the best and Carnival is so lucky to have you!

John says:
Hello Whitney

Thanks so much for those kind words and I hope I have written this answer in time because I see you are cruising this month. My apologies for the delay and yes, take the beach excursion because everything is included from your own private chair and umbrella to lunch and, of course, round trip transportation to and from the ship. I hope the skies are blue for your day in Grand Cayman as Seven Mile Beach is amazing and you will have a fantastic time.

Best wishes to you both and I am humbled by your wonderful words.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John

First of all – your blog is fabulous – one of the few things I look forward to each day. We were on the Carnival Magic Mediterranean cruise last August and it was more than wonderful. We wanted to go on the June 3 Carnival Breeze cruise but I need to have surgery – so I’m ready to book either the Sept. 7 or the Sept. 19 Carnival Breeze cruise. Will you and/or Ken Byrne be on the Breeze for either of those cruises? Please let me know.

Love and kisses.

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georige Marino

I hope this reply finds you well following your surgery and I wish you a full and quick recovery and both Ken and I will be on the ship to give you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Joe De Luca asked:
John

New York deserves better than the rust bucket Carnival Miracle. C’mon, Carnival, stop sending the best ships to the ancient nearly-deads in Florida and give us a decent boat. I am Platinum VIP and if Carnival wants my business, then they had better do something and send us a new ship.

John says:
Hello Joe De Luca

Thank you for your loyalty, Joe, and I am sure by now as a Carnival fan, you will know that we are sending the Carnival Splendor to New York next year. However, the Carnival Miracle a truly magnificent ship and is for many their favourite so your description of her is unfounded to be fair mate. Thanks again for your loyalty and I hope we see you on Carnival Splendor.

Best wishes.

John

Pamela Hattaway asked:

Do you know if the ship Carnival Fascination has any AA meetings? My husband heard they have some meetings called Friends of Bill W on some cruises.

Thanks for your help.

Pam

John says:
Hello Pamela Hattaway

Yes indeed, we have Friends of Bill W meetings each and every day on every ship. Please let me know if you need anything and I hope you have a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Jenni Tan asked:

My husband purchased tickets to eat at the steak house restaurant on the Carnival Valor for our 10th wedding anniversary and there was a total lack of vegetarian options for the main course of the meal. I was offered a mushroom dish and that was it and I was severely disappointed and was still charged the $30 even with only one main course to choose from. This has left me very angry and as one of thousands of vegetarians who cruise your ships, I say that you should respect our needs and include more options.

John says:
Hello Jenni Tan

Firstly may I say that I hope you had a fantastic cruise and I wish you many more happy years together. I know that the steakhouse does have a menu which, as the name suggests, is based around dishes made mostly of meat. However, I will let the chef know of your disappointment and ask him to look into the possibility of adding more options for you and other vegetarians. I apologise that you were left disappointed and I do really hope that this aside you had a brilliant time together.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. Thanks to everyone for their comments and questions.

Over the last few days, I have posted some new and exciting features that will appear on the Carnival Breeze and for the most part, they have been received with excitement and with the knowledge that choice is a good thing. If you think back to maybe 10 years ago, there was far much less choice on board and not just in food and entertainment areas either. I remember the days when guests were offered the choice of cash or Sail & Sign and when I was an assistant bar manager the safe would be full of many thousands of dollars. I can only imagine how much cash was onboard by the end of a seven-day cruise. Then, as a CD, I would sit backstage with a huge pile of cash for bingo prizes……….yep, cash was king. I am told that the world is going to be cashless by the year 2050 and that as each year passes, less and less places will accept cash at all.

It’s not that easy though. Not only can’t you use cash on the ship but have you ever tried to last a few days without using cash? I don’t mean sponging off other people. I mean literally not laying a hand on any coins and notes. I tried to pay for the taxi that brought me from the Trieste airport hotel in Monfalcone with my Carnival travel and expense credit card and the driver looked at me as though I had just offered him my gentlemen’s sausage as payment. I guess it does make sense in a way not having to carry dirty old money with you …… right up to the point when you get of a plane and find you need a dollar to pay for a sodding luggage trolley.

And what about tipping? I know many of you like to tip in cash and certainly that’s a great thing but if cash disappears, what about street collections? What will we give the Salvation Army at Christmas and how about street performers they would die of poverty which would be a real shame …..….. Except for those creepy mime artists…………can’t stand them.

Despite a few grumpy comments on Facebook about extra charge items, guest reaction to the Carnival Breeze has been nothing short of sensational and has been met with huge excitement. So I thought we should take a look at what you can have on the Carnival Breeze without paying an extra penny on a 12-day cruise.

Let’s start with shows.
- Four stunning new production shows
- Six different comedians who perform a total of 28 comedy performances
- Three variety entertainers
- A fat bastard of cruise director performs some rubbish comedy, as well.

You can listen and dance to:
- A seven-piece band
- A duo
- Three solo musicians
- Two DJs
- Piano Bar soloist

And some, just some of the many complimentary activities will include:
- Karaoke and Superstar Live Karaoke
- Dance classes
- Trivia contests and games
- Sing a longs
- Deck parties
- The brand new Hasbro, The Game Show.
- 12 movies on the Seaside Theatre big screen
- Movies on the stateroom TV’s
- A library
- The huge water park
- The Serenity deck which, unlike some other lines, is free
- The ropes course
- Basketball/soccer/volleyball court
- Mini golf
- Foosball
- Ping Pong
- Pool tables
- Water aerobics
- Deck games and pool games

Activities and shows and events you pay for……….ummmm………..the Thrill Theatre, laser tag, bingo and babysitting services at Camp Carnival. Did I miss any?

Let’s talk food.

Here is the food that is included in the cost of your cruise
- The Punchliner Comedy Brunch Presented by George Lopez
- Breakfast on lido deck or in the main dining rooms
- Guy Fieri’s brilliant burgers
- The new Comfort Kitchen on Lido
- Blue Iguana Cantina
- The Grand Buffett
- Lunchtime fare in the Serenity area
- Chef’s Choice
- The New York Deli
- Sea Dogs on SportSquare
- Indian Tandoor
- 24 hour Pizzeria
- Mongolian Wok
- Sweet Spot Lido Dessert Bar
- The Taste Bar offering a different pre-dinner on different nights (including sushi from Bonsai Sushi)
- Dinner at early, late or Your Time Dining
- Relaxed dining on Lido including complimentary sushi
- 24 hour coffee, ice tea and lemonade
- Late-night snacks
- Jamaican patties served in the casino from midnight
- And 24-hour free room service

Oh, and we will put a free chocolate on your pillow every night in case you get the munchies.

Here is what you pay extra for:
- Bonsai Sushi
- RedFrog Pub’s snacks at $3.33 each
- Cucina del Capitano – $12 per person
- The Fahrenheit 555 steakhouse – $30 per person
- Drinks, wine, cocktails and specialty coffees

I am sure I may have missed something and yes, we do charge for a few items but when you look at the lists above, I think we offer a brilliant product, don’t you?

Well, the ship is back from its successful sea trials and now Carnival Breeze is at the pier where until May 31, she will remain. More and more Carnival crew are arriving and today we started rehearsals for Hasbro, The Game Show and thank goodness my Sunday boredom has disappeared as the busy times return. There is one other thing I forgot to mention that is at the top of my boredom list…….shopping. Not only is it boring as an art gallery but it means that you will, as a man, end up in a huge argument with your wife or partner You see, it is absolutely bloody impossible for men and women to spend the day shopping without a huge argument breaking out…………unless:

1. He is metrosexual
2. He has been castrated
3. He is dead
4. There is the absolute 100% certainty there will be rumpy pumpy at the end of the trip.

Before I headed to Italy I had a week off, as you know, and one of those days we went shopping for clothes for Heidi because she has nothing to wear for the Carnival Breeze‘s inaugural cruise apart from the 397 dresses and blouses hanging in her closet. I knew even before we went to the Bluewater shopping mall what would happen and I was right because it’s always the same
Heidi will try something on while I stand with Kye waiting…..slowly losing the will to live. Heidi will then come out of the changing room and ask my opinion.

I will say, “I love it.”

Heidi will say, “Really?”

I will say, “Yes, it’s gorgeous, buy it now. Please save my soul so I can get out of this non- air-conditioned over-lit hell hole. Yes, I really like it. No, I am not just saying that. It’s the best sodding dress I have ever seen in my life. If you don’t want it I will have it and wear it on the stage for the handover ceremony. Please for the love of God, just BUY THE SODDING DRESS!”

Of course, she won’t. Kye and I will be forced to visit another 107 shops……then go back to the first one…….and buy it. And that is exactly what happened. Oh, FFS!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

However, there was another situation which happened last week that really has me thinking I am just a few steps away from the Pearly Gates. We had some friends over to the house to celebrate Heidi’s birthday and while we sat eating some fabulous Indian take-out one of our friends said, “Have you decided in your will to be buried or cremated?” Now our friends are all the same age as me or Heidi so let’s put that into perspective shall we. That’s a group of people aged 38 – 48 talking about death while chomping on some chicken tika masala. And do you know what? Everyone seemed eager to talk about this as they would who was shagging who on Desperate Housebitches of New Orange County or cars! One of my mates knew a lot on this subject. He knew that the world is running out of space to bury our dead and that in Japan, 99 percent are cremated. He also said that one cemetery in London is burying people on top of a stranger who had been buried hundreds of years ago. Bugger that. No way do I want to be laid to rest on top of some chap that died of syphilis or the plague.

Since this conversation at dinner I have been giving a lot of thought to this whole buried or cremated thing. I know some of you may have religious reasons to do one or the other and I respect that of course. I, on the other hand, have been in a bit of a quandary. I used to think that when I die I want to be buried, because if I am lucky enough to go to heaven (which will be based on the fact that I send people strawberries and trophies), it’ll be hard to enjoy its wonderful brilliance if I’ve been cremated. I guess I mean that you’re never going to have rumpy pumpy with a Latvian angel if you look like the contents of a vacuum cleaner. However, one thing keeps playing over and over in my mind and that was a movie I saw many years ago. It starred Peter Cushing and was part of the old Hammer House of Horror movies. All I can remember were the fingers of bodies were attached to a rope that would ring a bell if they moved meaning they had been buried alive. Bugger that and therefore its cremation for me and this is my will and testament. Throw me on the fire and scatter my ashes at sea……..leaving just a small handful to sprinkle on H82seaugo’s chocolate melting cake.

Time for some Q and A……..here we go.

Luis Garcia asked:
Hello John.

I make no apologies in saying how angry and disappointed I am with Carnival’s decision to take the Carnival Splendor away from California and not give us another boat in its place. Californians are wonderful people who love to cruise and yet we are being punished, why!!!!!!!  As a police officer working the streets of LA I have the toughest and most stressful job in the world and am not paid enough to be able to afford to fly to Florida to take a cruise. I have done three with Carnival and there won’t be a 4th thanks to your bad management decisions.

John says:
Hello Luis Garcia

First of all, I thank you for your service as a police officer and thank you for taking the time to write and express your opinion. We have, as you said, decided to reposition the Carnival Splendor to New York after her South America voyages and replace her with the Carnival Miracle West Coast next spring to operate our Mexican Riviera, Alaska and Hawaii cruises. We realize that many people really loved the Carnival Splendor but the Carnival Miracle is truly spectacular as well.  We also have the beautiful Carnival Inspiration to enjoy from Long Beach. I truly hope there will be a fourth cruise.

Best wishes and stay safe.

John

Melissa Bergamin asked:
Hello John,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a while now and had mixed feelings about sending you this message, but I’ve decided it’s for the greater good – being the sanity of my cruising partner aka my mum. We are booked on the Carnival Miracle this summer (July 25) and we are very excited. This will be her eighth Carnival cruise and my fifth. Part of the reason for this mother-daughter cruise is because I have moved overseas to teach. I worked in China last year, and this year I have been living and working in Cairo, Egypt. I will also be returning to Egypt for next year. My time home is limited and we decided one way to maximize was to take a Carnival cruise together. I’m hitting two of my favourite stops (St. Thomas and Grand Turk) and we have booked a balcony. Now to the point of this rather long winded essay, I have promised my mum that I will indeed FORCE myself to relax with her. In the past, my idea of a cruise vacation was wake up, hit every activity humanly possible, and then add three more… I tend to tire people out when I just explain to them the course of my average cruise day.  Whatever, part of my addiction to action on Carnival is the hunt for the coveted SOS.  I get quite moody until I win one (not in front of other passengers, just my mum) and so I was hoping to save her sanity and to help me keep my promise of relaxing with her, you could help me out by sending me a SOS or arranging for me to be able to purchase one. I can already see her rolling her eyes at me and telling me to “relax” …….. and as I love her to bits, I would do anything within my power to make her happy and thank her. I understand if you cannot help me out, but I figured I would ask. I owe my mum’s sanity that much. Thank you for all you do, and the hours of entertainment combined with information you’ve provided on your blog.

A fan of your fun ship feature,

Melissa

John says:
Hello Melissa Bergamin

People take cruises for many different reasons and one of the common reasons is to take time for themselves and be able to relax and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. I can see that you are really ready to do just that and I am sure that the crew will make sure they serve and entertain you and take your worries away. I will be happy to send you a trophy as requested and hope that you can write to me here on June 25 or a few days before you sail on my Facebook page so that I don’t forget. I wish you both a wonderful time.

Best wishes

John

Brenda asked:
Hi John

We have sailed with you twice now on the Carnival Freedom in the Med and this past summer on the Carnival Magic in the Med. We are currently Platinum with 22 cruises (my 10 yr old has 22 cruises too!).  How will this work with the new loyalty program. We are only three cruises from Milestone with three future cruises booked (Dec. 2012 July 2013 and Dec 2013).  How close do we have to be to be grandfathered into the milestone program?  This will be a real bummer if we miss it and we are this close! Please let me know. Lastly, will you be on the Legend in the Baltic in 2013? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Brenda

I am getting lots of questions like this and it is quite understandable, of course. We are now just a very short time away from announcing the new loyalty program and the four different levels that this will be based on. Looking at the fact that you are this close to Milestone and with three cruises booked you should have no worries or concerns about you getting the top level. More details to come soon and yes indeed, I will see you on the beautiful Carnival Legend.

Best wishes and thanks for your brilliant loyalty.

John

Linda Shearing asked:

We have a big Cruise Critic roll call for the Carnival Dream cruise of 5/19/12. I expect 100 will attend so we need the piano bar on the Sunday sea day at 1:30pm -3:30pm. I have written to you before on your blog but did not get a response so I hope you will respond this time! Can we also have bar service?

John says:
Hello Linda Shearing

I am sorry I have not responded to you before but I am glad I saw this in time for me to be able to arrange this. I cannot promise you the piano bar as this may have been taken by a group already or indeed used for a ship’s function. However, I will make sure that it is arranged and that the location and time appears in the Fun Times and that a bar waiter attends to take individual drink orders. I hope you all have a fantastic cruise and enjoy meeting new friends.

Best wishes.

John

Elizabeth Windfelder asked:

HELP, I can’t decide! Which would you choose? 7/9/12 or 7/21/12 sailing on Carnival Breeze from Barcelona?

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Windfelder

I am sure thanks to my lateness of reply that you have probably decided what to do already. If not and having had a look at both I would suggest the 7/21 sailing……oh hold on…….no….the 7/9 sailing……oh bugger. I am, obviously, of no use here because both are brilliant voyages and I hope regardless that I see you this summer. I am sorry I couldn’t be of much use here but I promise that if you have other questions I will give you more complete answers.

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
Hi John

Have a question, will you be doing a live report from Carnival Destiny‘s extreme makeover in Italy next year. And why did Carnival feel it necessary to change her name? Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul

I will indeed be with the film crew at the yard and reporting on her amazing dry dock. I can understand that there are those who having cruised on her as the Carnival Destiny have a special connection with her. This upcoming refit is by far the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken and will totally transform the Carnival Destiny. With such dramatic changes, it just made sense to rename the ship. Once everyone sees the incredible transformation she will undergo that the name Carnival Sunshine will be absolutely applicable. She will be a ship reborn.

Best wishes.

John

Janice Travelli asked:

Have just returned from the Pride which was my 10th cruise. The platinum VIP gift we got was the beach bag/backpack and compared to the gift we receive as a diamond VIP with RCI it leaves a lot to be desired. It looks cheap and what is someone of my age (62) supposed to do with a bag like this. On RCI I got a beautiful crystal paper weight and a lovely T-shirt. Just saying!

John says:
Hello Janice Travelli

I am surprised to read that you did not like the bag as I have heard nothing but positive reports about it from other guests. We will be changing the gift again when the new loyalty program is introduced and, of course, I hope we will see you for cruise number 11 so that you can enjoy it.

Best wishes

John

Rona asked:

I have watched videos of you and Calvin and I have to say you two are like Laurel and Hardy. So funny together.

John says:
Hello Rona

The problem there is that one of them was skinny! Seriously, thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and to be compared with the greatest double act ever is amazing. I will post more videos of us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martin Stansfield asked:

I am just off the Carnival Triumph and was not impressed. I detected an overall vibe of boredom and depression from the staff. The cleaning staff/housekeeping appeared to be from the Philippines or Indonesia. They never smiled and said hello in the halls, but it was unusual to come across so many foreign staff. The front desk had a very poor attitude each time I went there to complain. In general, the presence of so many immigrant workers (many Indians, Bulgarians, etc made up the wait staff), gave me an odd impression. I suppose you don’t hire American crew because outsourcing labor is cheaper, is this the reason Mr. Heald?

John says:
Hello Martin Stansfield

Well, let me start by saying that I am shocked that you should say that the crew were unfriendly as that is something that we very rarely hear and I will make a point of sending your comments to the ship’s senior management. Like most cruise lines, we hire talented people from all over the world and in fact at Carnival more than 100 nationalities are represented. We take a great deal of pride in having the friendliest crew at sea and all crew undergo training to hone their hospitality skills. I do hope that there were many aspects of the cruise that you did enjoy.

Best wishes

John

Jon Heller asked:
Hey John,

I was just wondering since I had been on the Carnival Magic a few weeks ago and thought you were a great cruise director. I was wondering if you were scheduled to be on the Breeze next year during the departure date of 2.16.2013. Let me know if you will be because either way we are booking this cruise. Had so much fun on the magic, can’t wait for the Carnival Breeze and Carnival Sunshine

John says:
Hello Jon Heller

Thanks for those wonderful words and yes indeed, I will be there as I am hosting the Bloggers Cruise in January and intend to stay on through February and March. I am so glad you had fun and hope we see each other next year.

Best wishes.

John

Laura Welk asked:
Hey John,

My friends and I are sailing in May this year and I had some questions about bringing our own liquor onboard. When I sailed with CCL the first time, we didn’t bring anything, the second time we brought a bottle of wine in our luggage and they confiscated it and we got it back the last night. Now, I have heard some conflicting things, some say you can bring liquor on in your carry on and are allowed one bottle per person, others say you can only bring in wine and are

allowed one bottle per person and some say you cannot bring it at all. I completely understand not being allowed to bring it on at all and seeing how CCL would like our liquor purchased from them. But since we are cruising in a few months I thought I would ask, mostly out of curiosity from all the mixed answers I have gotten. Hope this email finds you well and you have been enjoying yourself on the bloggers cruise. I enjoy your blog and Facebook updates immensely!

Thanks in advance!

Laura

John says:
Hello Laura Welk

I am sorry that this has been confusing and it looks like we (I) need to do a better job in getting the right information out. You can indeed bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on the ship in your carryon bag and if you decided to take this to the dining room there will be a corkage fee for the waiter to serve it. I hope this is OK and if you have any further questions please let me know.

Best wishes and thanks so very much for the very kind words.

John

That’s all for today.

So here I am writing to you once again and before I forget may I thank Michelle and Mary who despite not having beards have done a wonderful job answering questions for me during my time at home with the girls. Talking of which, saying goodbye to Kye gets harder and harder and tugs at my heart strings to the point that tears run down my fat ugly face. I doubt it will ever get easier, will it?

So here I am in Italy, writing to you from the Carnival Breeze. Well, actually I am in the yard office which Carnival uses when we have a new ship being built. It is very warm here and there is no air conditioning or if there is it is being provided by an asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. The ship looks brilliant and let me say straight away that Gerry and the beards have hit a huge home run here. Yep, she is a slam dunk, touchdown……ummmmm…….hit for six (cricket reference) vessel that I have no trepidation in saying is our very best yet. Once again the brilliant people here at Fincantieri are making a brilliant vacation home. What they do here is nothing short of amazing and in one month as we head to the Mediterranean and talk becomes of RedFrogs, BlueIguanas and Cucinas, it’s easy to forget that men and women built this ship.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the ship will leave the Monfalcone shipyard for a two day sea trial. She has passed all her previous sea trials with flying colours and talking to the Chief Engineer Antonio this morning he expects everything to be just perfect. Now in the days ahead I will have video interviews with all the senior officers which I hope you will enjoy.

There is only a skeleton crew from Carnival here with the department heads getting ready to welcome their crew over the next few days. Yesterday, 10 huge trucks arrived with supplies as diverse as trashcans to uniforms. The operation is continuous and the huge warehouse is filling up slowly with all our supplies. Move on date for the supplies is May 8 and the move on date for the crew to join is May 15. Now I mentioned uniforms because the Carnival Breeze will have new uniforms for all the crew. Yep, all of them from waiters to state room stewards from Camp Carnival staff to photographers, everyone will have the new look and I will show you just how they look in the days ahead. The new uniforms will then move across the fleet and I think the crew is going to love them. Especially happy is the entertainment staff whose new day uniform means they no longer look like they are delivering you a large pepperoni pizza.

The entertainment staff arrived yesterday as did cruise director extraordinaire Butch Begovitch.

He will be teaching the staff the 2.0 deck parties and hosting the first cruise Hasbro, The Game Show activities as I won’t have time to do the rehearsals etc. It will be great to have him with me. I know you are all anxiously awaiting more photos of the ship but as all the areas are still being worked on I shall wait a few more days until you can see her in all her undoubted glory.

Yesterday we announced all the brilliant food items for the Carnival Breeze and just in case you missed it, here is the announcement as written by our great friend from PR, Mr. Vance Gulliksen.

NEW FULL-SERVICE SUSHI RESTAURANT, OUTDOOR BBQ VENUE AMONG TANTALIZING ARRAY OF CUISINE CHOICES ON CARNIVAL BREEZE

And as mentioned there is a contest ongoing and here is Everett the Beard with a reminder about that.

One of the worst things about Facebook is that sometimes you’ll read a friend’s status update and it’s so inane you just want to… I don’t know, throw a handful of pico de gallo at them. But then it just ends up dripping down your monitor and keyboard, you have to clean it up yourself* and the person doesn’t even know — the gesture was meaningless, and you are now sad.

Carnival doesn’t want to see you sad, so we created the BlueIguana Cantina Fight for Your Appetite Sweepstakes!

Here’s how this works: we’ve made a Facebook page where you can not only learn more about some of the foods offered at BlueIguana Cantina, vote for your favorite dishes, enter to win an awesome Carnival Breeze cruise for two with airfare… and naturally, throw digital food at someone else’s Facebook wall. (It’s both therapeutic and thoughtful!)

So let your mate’s wall have it… then get ready to Facebook message them to beg their forgiveness when they win the free cruise for two. Enter here so maybe you’ll win instead.

*Dishwashers are actually a great way to clean keyboards. Seriously. Look it up.

So lots of food glorious food and let’s start with sushi. Now, there were some grumbles from a few that we are charging for this so let me just repeat what I said on Facebook that we continue to offer free sushi on Lido and sushi is also included among the many offerings within The Taste Bar complimentary appetizer program.

The Bonsai Sushi bar looks fantastic and the new sushi recipes from $1 a plate will be a massive bargain and that the huge sushi boat for 2 for just $15 will be very popular as well I am sure.   Bonsai Sushi is a totally new concept for us with a more extensive menu and upgraded quality along with  sake and Japanese beer, in a fabulous new setting with a dedicated seating area.

Now while many of you are probably huge Sushi lovers and are very excited about the new sushi restaurant here on the Carnival Breeze I have to tell you I am not a fan of sushi. Yes, I hear you saying that it’s the “ultimate healthy fast food.” But it’s just not for me. My wife loves sushi and she wishes I would love it too, bless her little Dutch clogs. She doesn’t want me to die or to get fatter, so when I am home she keeps me on a diet of mashed vegetables, muesli and grilled sodding chicken. It is kind and loving of her to do so, but sometimes I look at our refrigerator shelves full of Greek yogurt and falafel and skimmed milk and olive spread, and I feel like crying. And when she isn’t with me on the ship there is no doubt that I will bypass the Bonsai Sushi restaurant and head to deck 10 and sink my teeth into a Guy Fieri burger with melted cheese, a crispy onion ring, lashings of bacon bits and even his very own special mayonnaise.

One of the more exciting elements of the Carnival Breeze involves the existing Lanai barbecue which has a new menu and will be called Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ. Now I can tell you that this was named after one of the most brilliant people I have ever met — our soft spoken, sports loving family man and Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Jim Berra. I have to say that I have never heard anyone call him “Jimmy” and that he isn’t fat………. if he is fat ten if they named the barbecue after me it would have to be called “Morbidly Obese Really Huge Fat Bastard Johnny’s BBQ.”

Anyway, I digress. Jim or Jimmy as I shall from here on in call him, has done so much and will do so much for this company and its right and just that we name this dining venue after him. He loves barbecue and has had a big say in the menu which we will talk about in a moment. Now I love barbecue food and yet while it’s OK to accept invitations to other people’s barbecues and its going to be brilliant on the Lanai on the Carnival Breeze, never, ever host one yourself. Throwing barbecues is for plonkers and guaranteed by the time it’s over to make you hate your friends forever.

It never looks like it does on TV where the host smiles warmly from behind his barbecue as friends and family lie back drinking and laughing in his garden. This is bollocks! You become hot, stressed and you begin to despise those having fun around you in your garden eating your food, drinking your booze all while you slave over a barbecue so hot that your face morphs into a melted latex glove. The only time people come near the BBQ host is with fake offers of help which, of course you must politely refuse. Then your now ex-friends will make patronsing remarks such as, “You’re doing a great job, chef!” This is the point where you have to restrain yourself from shoving a chicken leg up their arse and stabbing them in the eye with that big barbecue fork thingy. Yes, I hate barbecues, especially when I’m doing all the work.

But I love Fat Jimmy’s and just look at the menu. We will offer a mouth-watering array of grilled favorites, including barbecued chicken breast, kielbasa, Fat Jimmy’s signature item, pulled pork sandwiches, along with traditional sides like baked beans, potato salad, coleslaw and mini-corn muffins.

The Carnival Breeze is brilliant and as I walked around the ship with Gerry Cahill and his entourage I tried to put my mind into “guest mode” to try find something to complain about something — anything — about which I could complain. And all I could come up with is that some of the stools on the lido deck restaurant are a little high and some older guests may struggle to get on them. The ship has new designers who have incorporated cool crisp blues and relaxing yellows both in the public spaces and the staterooms.

So join me here and on Facebook as I tell you more about the Carnival Breeze, our best ship yet and the ultimate expression of fun!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Having been through the wonders and the utter terror of child birth, I do understand that it’s painful but come on, ladies, pink eye is no walk in the park either. In the UK the whole birthing process is handled by a midwife and her assistant. There is no doctor unless you have complications. The midwives are mostly middle aged or older ladies and look like Mrs. Doubtfire except that this being the UK they have a Polish accent rather than a Scottish one. I was a bit taken aback by this. I wanted machines that go ping and doctors cloaked and masked and ready to get my baby here now.

I do remember Heidi being in a bit of pain and that she was making loud grunting noises like one of those Russian tennis players Anna Getyourknickersov or something like that. Then as the contractions grew, her moans became howls. Was my wife turning into a werewolf? Kye was born in a strange position which Heidi did, if I remember rightly, blame me for. Her head was facing up instead of down or down instead of up……I can’t remember which. I had my back firmly to the show and as much as I wanted to help Heidi through the pain, I was going to be no bloody good having a quick look downstairs and immediately fainting. I don’t remember much except I really did try to help, honest. I said “Breathe …. in … out …….in……out.” And my normally non-swearing placid partner replied…..”I know how to f*****g breathe, you wanker.”

So from that day on every time I am ill, Heidi tells me it’s nothing how only she knows real pain after she pushed a seven-pound turkey through a mouse hole and my reply that I am surprised I am able to have rumpy pumpy with after witnessing childbirth……. Never strengthens my case.

Men, listen to Uncle John here. Your wife will tell you she wants you in the birthing room for your support and because she wants you to hold her hand and to be there to witness the birth of what will be the most important thing in your life. That’s not the reason, oh no. She wants you there so she can milk it forever and ever, especially when you’re complaining about having a cold. Heidi said men will never understand the pain of child birth. Well, obviously, she has never been kicked in the bollocks, has she chaps?!

Time for some Q and A….off we go

Kathryn Hall Allahyari asked:

Who will be the CD on the April 1, 2012 cruise of the Carnival Splendor? We are taking our three children, their spouses and our eight grandchildren on a cruise for our 50 wedding anniversary, and I would like to do something special for my husband – can you suggest anything really romantic????

John says:
Hello Kathryn Hall Allahyari

Your CD will be the wonderful Todd Wittmer who is one of our most experienced and finest cruise directors. As for romantic, well I would suggest that one night you leave the family and grandkids and just you and your husband go to the steakhouse and have a private meal for two. The food is exquisite and the atmosphere will complement your romantic night perfectly. You can book this through my blog and the ship will then send an email confirmation. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Odent asked:

You know what makes me LOL? You, Mr. Heald. You pretend to be the friend of the people who read your blog and read your Facebook but be honest the day you leave Carnival you won’t care if they live or die. I am not going to blow smoke up your ass either to get some pathetic free gift but will come right to the point. Will you show March Madness basketball on the Carnival Liberty’s giant screen?

John says:
Hello Dennis Odent

While it is hard to remember all the thousands of people who cruise with me I do consider many of them friends and if Carnival suddenly decided that they needed a newer, slimmer, funnier CD and brand ambassador then I hope that my friendship with everyone would continue, it certainly would from my side regardless of how cynical you may feel. Anyway, let’s see, ahhh, yes, now that my arse (spelt correctly) is smoke free I will say that the some of the games will be played on board on the Seaside Theatre and some in the EA Sports bar. Have a brilliant cruise and I hope we can become friends one day.

Best wishes.

John

Helen De Veer asked:

There is an obvious short fall when it comes to Carnival and their brand ambassador caring about vegans. We cruised on the Eclipse and enjoyed Seitan main courses (Seitan, pronounced say-tahn, is a wheat-based Asian meat substitute), tomato pomodoro, tofu medallion piccata and many more exotic dishes. On Carnival there was very little that didn’t involve chick peas and it wasn’t for the vegetarian Indian dish in the dining hall then we would have starved. You may mock Mr. Heald but maybe a look in a full length mirror will show you that your perception needs to change and that Carnival needs to have two or three main courses for vegans each night at dinner.

John says:
Hello Helen de Veer

Thanks for the email but I thought I have always heard good things from vegetablists who cruise with us, especially about the dinner options including the Indian dish you mentioned. I do hope that you found some nice options and I will be sending your comments to our executive chef so that he can see what you would wish to see as enjoyed on the Celebrity ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the encouragement to change my diet.

Best wishes.

John

John Coren asked:
John –

Is it possible to request a specific waitress when you have any time dining? We were on Carnival Magic at Christmas and had a lovely lady from Romania called Allina (sp?) and she served us the last three nights. I have read since that if you like a waiter then you can ask for them when you enter the dining room. Is this true?

Thanks

John says:
Hello John Coren

Yes indeed it is true however I should mention that it’s not always possible because his or her section may be full. But if you time it right or you are prepared to wait until there is space then yes you can indeed. I hope this helps you and please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes.

John

Wendy and Richard George asked:
Hi John,

After sailing on Splendor (with Heidi and you as cruise director) and Carnival Spirit, we are absolutely delighted to know that the powers that be at Carnival are sending Spirit Down under. We are sailing on her first voyage out of Honolulu to Sydney next September and would love to know if you will be here for the arrival of the first Whale Tail into Sydney Harbor. It will be worth it. Bring Heidi and Kye too (No big crocs, dingoes or bird eating spiders here, they are all up north).

Regards,

Wendy and Richard George

John says:
Hello Wendy and Richard George

Thanks so much for those kind words and it’s great to hear from you both. I have seen the welcome that Sydney gives Cunard ships and it would be nice to think that we would get a similar welcome from our Aussie friends. I am looking at the possibilities of being there but we shall have to see what my schedule allows for. It certainly will be a memorable moment and one it would be great to share with you both. Thanks for writing and I hope to see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hello John,

It was nice to meet you on the inaugural cruise from Galveston on the Carnival Magic. I’m glad the mad waiter didn’t hit you with a stick. Please help me with an issue. This was our eighth Carnival cruise, and my daughter and son in law’s first, as they are big time RC cruisers. I did an on boardbooking the first day for 4/14/2013. This will make us platinum (finally) after we sail on the Carnival Triumph next October. So I convinced my daughter that Carnival is great, and to keep sailing with us. She made her booking for the same cruise the last evening. John, it was pure chaos. The poor loyalty rep had no help and the people were lined up in droves to pick up certificates, etc. It took us two hours to book her cruise, and my major complaint is that after several messages to Carnival, with no resolve, they have yet to add the $100 promotional credit to her billing when she logs in to Carnival. I am trying my best to convince them that Carnival will furnish some great cruises as they have for me. They are Wendi and Randy Baldwin and are booked on the Carnival Triumph 11/14/2011 Can you get this simple request done? One other issue is that a lot of folks would love to see Progresso removed from the cruise ports, as the water is no better than Galveston, and you can go to the ruins from any Mexico stop. If I had it my way, I would make the five-day sailings Cozumel and Costa Maya, or Calica, where we went some years ago on the Celebration. The beach there is gorgeous. It was not so bad that the Carnival Magic missed Costa Maya for us, as we are fairly seasoned, but we heard many complaints on the ship about it. I thank you for your assistance, and hope to see you again. Thank you for the wonderful cruises Carnival has taken us on.

John Vanecek

John says:
Hello John Vanecek

I am thinking that as I am so far behind in my blog questions that this has been resolved but just to make sure I have just sent off a note to my colleagues who will make sure that is the case. I am very sorry you had to go through so much trouble and we will do better with this in the future I am positive John. I will also pass on your thoughts re: Calica. Thanks again and please drop me a line if you can on my Facebook page a week before you sail and include your cabin number.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sandy W asked:
Hey John,

Need your help getting me and my wife a table for two at dinner. We are Mennonites and deeply religious and mealtimes are a sacrament for us. We are on the 3/1 cruise on Carnival Paradise cabin M101.

Thank you

John says:
Hello Sandy W

I am very thankful that I saw this in time as I see you are sailing next week. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to assist you with this and I wish you a wonderful time.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Susan Horn asked:
Hi John;

I was wondering if you could tell me when formal nights for the April 13, 2012 Carnival Spirit to Hawaii are. I heard they were both on the way to Hawaii and was wondering why they wouldn’t do one each way?? Also really looking forward to seeing the new Carnival Spirit after her facelift.

Thanks for any info.

Sue Horn

John says:
Hello Susan Horn

The ship looks great and I hope you have seen Mr Radu’s photos recently here and on Facebook. Let’s have a look at this brilliant voyage, shall we?

• Fri, Apr, 13 San Diego dep @ 4pm
• Sat, Apr, 14 at sea
• Sun, Apr, 15 at sea ELEGANT
• Mon, Apr, 16 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 17 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 18 Hilo 10am-7pm
• Thu, Apr, 19 Kahului 8am-11pm
• Fri, Apr, 20 Honolulu 9am-11pm
• Sat, Apr, 21 Kona 8am-5pm
• Sun, Apr, 22 Nawiliwili 7am-4pm
• Mon, Apr, 23 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 24 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 25 at sea ELEGANT
• Thu, Apr, 26 at sea
• Fri, Apr, 27 Ensenada

I have marked the elegant nights for you and as you can see you have one each side of the ports. I hope this helps and I wish you a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Gwen Smith asked:
John,

First let me say what isn’t said enough on this blog – THANK YOU!! I had posted a message to you on Facebook and you delivered, as promised! My parents really enjoyed the goodies you sent them. I promised I would send you a little review of our recent trip on the Liberty. It was the first trip with our children, ages 10 and nine. They are now hooked on cruising and can’t wait to go again! We just had the best time! Butch was fabulous as our cruise director. We listened to the morning show that he and Amy put on and my son actually won a teddy bear from Fun Ship Freddy. Let me tell you, nothing starts a nine-year-old’s day off right like having Freddy personally deliver a bear to your room!

I was worried that my son, who is a picky eater, would have trouble with the food on the cruise. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He loved the pizza and our waiters in the Silver Dining room spoiled him to death. They did everything they could; including tracking down my parents anniversary cake, to make sure that our experience was amazing. There were plenty of activities for everyone to do. I was glad I brought some post-its as that was the only way we knew where everyone was on the sea days. My parents had a great trip, a trip of a lifetime they said. However, that can’t be right, because they are looking to go again in February! We did have one small issue, and that was with our service staff at Harry’s steakhouse. We didn’t feel like we were as taken care of in regards to drinks. There were a couple of times during the meal that drinks were empty, even after a request had been made for a refill. This was a very small thing and in NO way ruined our cruise or will stop us from eating at the steakhouse again. There were no complaints from any of the six of us about the quality of the food. We left stuffed!

Finally, I have to let you know how hard our room steward, Jay, worked. We had four people in an ocean view room, so it was cluttered, by our own doings. My son also got sick one night. We had to call housekeeping at midnight for a fresh change of sheets. They were there in no time and happily took care of everything. Jay came in the next morning, freshened everything up, gave our son a new mattress and made our room good as new again! He was always leaving the kids’ bears in cute places and just couldn’t have been better. Sorry for making this so long, but please pass on our thanks to everyone for making this an excellent cruise and thank you again for all you do!

Gwen

John says:
Hello Gwen Smith

There is no need to apologise for the length of this review as it was just perfect and a joy to read. Before I forget, the post it notes was a brilliant idea, well done. I shall be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled, I promise. I shall also make sure they the see note about the drink service in the steakhouse which sounds like we need to improve on and we will. Thanks again and thank you for the kind words at the start of your post. I hope we see you again very, very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Stephanie Oliveira asked:

We will be taking our daughter on a cruise on the Carnival Magic on March 11, 2012. So excited. She will be eight then but will turn nine in August and I would like to do a Carnival theme party. I will need Carnival balloons, and T-shirts, and some of those famous trophies enough for 30 of her friends. It would be a great promo for Carnival as well. Can you provide these and have them delivered to cabin 1377 on our cruise?

John says:
Hello Stephanie Oliveira

Unfortunately we don’t have party supplies available for this but it is a great idea I must admit. I will send your daughter something on the cruise which is just two weeks away now and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

So off we go on a new cruise and let’s see who is sailing with us and where we are going.

TOTAL GUESTS 4,143
TOTAL GUESTS UNDER 21 483

Non US 81 Canadians; 19 Mexico

I will tell you one thing, Carnival Magic guests love with unbridled passion our karaoke parties and I could have Lady Ga Ga supported by a naked Garth Brooks appearing at the Ocean Plaza and Ron Pass and Elton John on dueling pianos in the piano bar, but it would be karaoke that would be the busiest. There is no doubt that karaoke continues to be one of the most popular activities on our ships. Every day our guests come on stage and do horrible things to Adele, Mariah Carey and that awful Summer Nights song from Grease.

I cannot go into the karaoke lounges on the ship because people see me and try to get me to sing and honestly, I would rather have “I Love H82Seaugo” tattooed on my buttocks than sing a karaoke song. I bet though that next week on BC5 I won’t have a choice when we hold our private Superstar Live event which is of course even worse as its live karaoke with the band. Oh, bugger!

People think I don’t like karaoke because I don’t like music. On the contrary, I don’t like karaoke because I’m a music lover. Granted, there are some people who are genuinely talented but being subjected to a chap who has been enjoying the company of Jack Daniels all night singing some drunken version of Grooves Like Jagger is not my idea of a good night out.

I’ve concluded that karaoke singers collude with each other, ignoring how horrible their mates sound because they fear with good reason that they sound as bad. Me, I know it sounds horrible when I sing, I know that dogs will be howling back in Galveston and I know that my voice sounds as flat as Kate Moss’s chest. I make people vomit when I sing………so I don’t. Yes, occasionally you get some great singers and yet ask the guests and they will tell you that for some rather bizarre reason that they enjoy listening to the bad singers as much as the good ones.

Last night I went to check up on our Karaoke Host Melvin who, by the way, I promoted from photographer to now one of the best karaoke hosts in the fleet. Sure enough, the moment I walked in, I was spotted and guests started to chant my name and one tried to thrust the microphone at me. Making a break for it involved running the gauntlet through overexcited, slightly intoxicated women grabbing at me from every direction…..it was like a zombie movie.

However, now and then, as I said, you do get someone who is simply brilliant and the Musical Director Alan had seen this young man perform at karaoke and so we had to put him in the talent show last cruise. Here then is Ben, age 11, singing Adele’s Rolling In The Deep.

Now there is a young man who has a great voice, a sparkling personality and is going to ruin it all by becoming a cruise director. Still……better than becoming a lawyer.

As some of you know late Saturday night we had a man overboard incident.

Here is what happened as reported on my Facebook page yesterday: It was 10:25 p.m. Elvis was in the building and looked magnificent. He was thin Elvis and I was the fat emcee. There were 1,000 people in the audience and just as I was preparing to go on stage and introduce The King of Rock and Roll, the PA system suddenly shouted, “Bravo Bravo, Port Side,” which all of us crew know is the coded wording for “Man Overboard.” Oh, by the way, I am sure that someone wearing sandals and who will be eating tofu on toast for breakfast will tell me I should say, “Person Overboard” in these PC times, but it’s 6:45am and I have had just four hours sleep so bugger that.

I handed the microphone to my assistant Hennie who was backstage with me and ran to the elevator and luckily it was on the way up which is a good thing because by the time my fat arse had made it up the stairs from deck 3 to the bridge on deck 8, the guests would have heard nothing on the PA system except my labored heaving breathing and not even my wife likes that.

So on the bridge; the well-practiced rescue procedures for man overboard were underway. Details were sketchy and as the brilliant Captain Cutugno began to turn the vessel to head back to where the reported incident had taken place, I knew I had to let the guests know what was happening. The “Bravo Bravo” call had been made through the emergency system so they knew something was happening and I have always felt that information is king…….OK, Elvis is The King but the guests needed to know what was happening. And so I told them what I knew. “Ladies and gentlemen, the announcement you have just heard is that we have a reported man overboard. The captain and crew are now doing what they need to do in order to search and let us hopefully rescue this person. I promise to keep you informed.”

The next 15 minutes were very tense on the bridge as the captain turned this leviathan of a ship as quickly and as safely as he could back to where the man had reportedly gone overboard. While he did that I called the U.S. Coast Guard on my cell phone. This obviously was under the instructions of the captain who asked me to keep them informed. And I did and I want to thank the brilliantly professional petty officer who helped me as I gave our position and details. She informed me that a helicopter would be scrambled immediately to our position.

As the ship finished her turn I think all of us expected the worst because those of us who have been in this position before all knew that it was very rare that these events ever had a happy ending. However, suddenly the huge spotlights that we were using to search the still choppy waters suddenly showed a blinking light in the distance….hold on……..there were two blinking lights. We knew that one of the crew members who had seen this person go into the water had thrown a life ring in and that it would have an emergency beacon but the second light, what was that? I was then told that the person who had gone into the water was allegedly wearing a lifejacket which we all know also has a light on it designed to attract attention in the water and it was doing exactly that.

We were too far still to see if there was a person inside the lifejacket and even with the bridge officer’s powerful binoculars, we just couldn’t tell. The captain gave a precise course and speed and we headed toward the lights. At the same time Captain Cutugno gave the order to lower the portside rescue boat, just above the water level and ready to be deployed.

I made announcement number two explaining to the guests what was happening. What we knew they knew. During all of this, Elvis continued singing and even though half his audience had chosen to watch the rescue rather than listen to his great music and watch his pelvis gyrate, the show went on.

At 10:52 pm the captain ordered the rescue boat into the water and Officer Diego and his crew raced toward the lights. At this point the ship had come to a stop around 300 meters from the lights and remained stopped, the captain using the powerful thrusters to keep us in position. Now all we could do was wait for the rescue boat team to tell us what they found.

There were probably 400 guests or so lining the Deck 5 Lanai and hundreds more on their balconies all looking at what was happening, some looking for that YouTube moment no doubt such is the world we live in.

And we waited.

And then through the static of the radio we heard these words, “We see one person; I repeat we see one person, we will rescue from the water.”

And we waited.

“We have rescued one from the water, one from the water, he is alive, repeat he is alive.”

There was no time to jump for joy, not yet anyway. The captain ordered the rescue boat to return to the ship and for the starboard side shell doors to be opened and the automatic stairs to be lowered to accept the return of the boat and to bring the person back on board as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile, I told the guests and then I phoned my new best friend at the Coast Guard and told her the great news. She canceled the helicopter and shared her good wishes to the captain and crew. Meanwhile the person was brought to the ship and taken immediately to the medical center where he spent the night in the excellent care of our doctors and nurses. I thanked the guests and wished them a good night.

And that was that. I can’t speculate why this crewmember jumped overboard wearing a life jacket but thanks to the brilliant work of the captain and crew last night and that little light on his life jacket, he is alive today. It was quite an evening……all to the soundtrack of Elvis Presley.

I know I posted this on Facebook but what I didn’t say was this. You know, the young crew member is alive today because of the brilliant work of Captain Giovanni Cutugno and his officers and crew. The code for man overboard is “Bravo Bravo” and today I stand up and applaud and shout “Bravo, Bravo” to the captain and crew of the Carnival Magic whose brilliant professionalism saved someone’s life. And it feels great to write that this story has a happy ending and it also feels great to stand up and shout the praises of our Italian captain and his wonderful and dedicated crew.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But times change and the tuxedo has become an endangered species, replaced by regular business suits. This past elegant night on the Carnival Magic, Calvyn and I set out to see how many we could count. He walked round the dining rooms while I covered the captain’s celebration on Promenade deck, both sittings. Now obviously we didn’t see everyone but out of the many hundreds of guests we did see, it will maybe surprise you that the total number of guests wearing a tuxedo was………..11. Yep just 11.Now you may think that this is specific to the Carnival Magic in Galveston but I assure you it’s not as it was the same when we sailed out of Europe as well. Yep, the tuxedo is slowly becoming the betamax of the fashion world.

Many of you know my feelings on dress code and I really don’t want to drag this up again so that H82Seaugo and her mates can get their John Heald voodoo dolls out and stick some pins in my bottom, but times they are a changing. Back in those days, you couldn’t go anywhere without going home first to get changed. I remember the day when restaurants would turn you away if you weren’t wearing a tie. Gentlemen were required to wear jackets. Look, I know that this is a point of contention for many people but overall I think we have a dress code that is exactly what it should be………..relaxed. Telling guests what to wear is like insisting that all the vegetablists eat a huge steak. If you are a host at a party you are throwing at your house, then it is your duty to make sure that your guests have as nice a time as possible. That means letting them wear and do and eat whatever takes their fancy and during your much needed vacation I think it is absurd to tell our guests what they must wear. Some won’t agree, I’m sure.

So unless you’re George Clooney at the Oscars it appears the tuxedo is out and most of our guests have stopped wearing them on elegant night. And from what I have seen this week the new trend is for guests who do dress elegantly to change after dinner and photos back into casual clothes. The tuxedo looked good but with cummerbunds, cufflinks and a real bow tie to fasten and to position under the triangle collar it was easier to build a nuclear power station then to put one on. I recognise that some people like getting dressed up. I have no problem with this. But I can say from being with Carnival for 26 years that things have changed, they really have and the tuxedo has for the most part been replaced with the business suit and tie.

You know, when I used to go to what were then called discos, you had to wear a suit or you wouldn’t be allowed in. But not anymore. Now you can wear what you like. And judging by what some of the ladies were wearing in the Vibe Dance club last night, it seems …………………. you don’t have to wear much of anything at all.

Let’s crack on, shall we?

Maureen asked:
John,

I just love the new link tab on the Carnival Facebook page. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the life and times of the cruise directors. I was looking for the Cruise Director Jamie, that we had on the Carnival Sensation Oct 9-13, 2011, but didn’t see her picture or bio listed there. She was fabulous! And we enjoyed her as cruise director. We hope to have her as cruise director on another cruise in the future.

John says:
Hello Maureen

Thanks for those kind words. Jaime is as of tomorrow on Carnival Legend and will eventually head to the Carnival Liberty as CD. I saw her yesterday in Freeport and she looks great and is definitely an asset to Carnival. Thanks again for the kind words and I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes.

John

Jennifer Reiss asked:

Your blog today contained a letter from someone who was on the same cruise as me on the Carnival Fantasy. She wrote how disturbed she was that during a night of entertainment Carnival decided to allow three passengers to sing religious songs on stage. I agree, it is disgusting and in this day and age I am shocked that Carnival allows this to happen. Please explain why on a fun cruise ship as Carnival proclaims to be is this allowed. Religious songs must be banned as you have a multi-cultural multi or no faith audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reiss

I am sorry for the long delay in my reply to your question but I really am so far behind in my blog questions. The talent show is a feature on some ships and we allow guests to entertain their fellow guests. There are guidelines which include no comedians or songs with bad language etc but respectfully, do you honestly expect us to ban religious songs? I mean, what’s next? I do hope despite this that you had a great cruise and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Jo Kesar asked:

Carnival needs to enforce its rules on dress code because on our relocation cruise on Carnival Paradise was marred by many passengers dressing in jeans and T-shirts at dinner including formal night and our dining room experience was spoiled by the crew allowing this to happen. Another sign of Carnival’s slipping standards. My DH and I are VIP platinum guests and this was cruise number 17.

John says:
Terri Jo

I know many guests still like to dress up because that chance doesn’t come around much for many and it’s great that we give you the choice but comments like this one genuinely baffle me. Why would you worry about what someone else is wearing while you’re eating dinner? I am sorry Terri Jo, I do hope you had a great cruise through the canal and truly value you as a Carnival guest but honestly, I don’t get it.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Beaudry asked:

I just returned from a cruise aboard the Carnival Triumph (11/12 – 11/17). I loved our cruise director, Tex. At first, I thought he was a little annoying but he really grew on me and I looked forward to his daily announcements. The dance he made up of the different movements (wash the dog, shopping, mow the lawn and the sprinkler etc.) was absolutely hilarious. I also, want to recognize Cassie as well. She was a lot of fun.

John says:
Hello Martha Beaudry

Well that’s two in today’s Q&A for the cruise directors and that’s great news indeed. I shall make sure Tex and Cassie see how much you enjoyed them and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Gold Member (4) asked:
HI,

I am NOT complaining at any type I’m just suggesting! I’ve been on four Carnival cruises, and on each one there has been a lack of chicken wings! That’s it! Love Carnival, everything is great: food, entertainment, trivia’s, and youth programs! Thanks for reading.

John says:
Hello Gold Member (4)

If only other questions were as simple to answer as this. I will pass your comments to the beards and I should mention that we now serve complimentary chicken wings at the EA Sports Bar on the Carnival Liberty and will on other ships as they get their 2.0 upgrades. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Bracali asked:
Brand Ambassador.

I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and am fascinated by how a company like Carnival Cruise Lines allows you to get away with such a blog as this. You do seem to have the ear of the higher ups so I wanted you know that in my opinion Carnival wants to keep growing and enticing its customer base to return to Carnival then it must hire better workers. The experience that my family and I had on the Carnival Splendor was one of lack of English from the officers in white uniforms to the cabin boy who when asked for something would smile and nod and then not bring or do what he was asked. You must realize that if the workers don’t understand the customers’ requests then how can you offer good customer service? Answer is that you cannot. I spoke with many on that cruise and each one agreed that the language barrier made this cruise a forgettable one at best and a massive annoyance and disappointment at worst. I suggest that as the ambassador you act on this now.

John says:
Hello Paul Bracali

Thanks for taking the time to write and I do hope you had a great cruise despite your concerns. I am though going to have to say that I disagree with you because our crew all have to pass an English exam before being placed in guest service positions and while it may not be their first language and although they may speak with a heavy accent, they understand your requests and are able to provide brilliant customer service. I am therefore so shocked to see this comment. You may have spoken to those on that cruise who you say agreed with you but respectfully I will say that your comment is a rare one. I will though pass this to the ship’s senior management as you requested and I hope you will return to Carnival again where I promise we will give you the best value for money cruise vacation in the industry.

Best wishes.

John

Angela Henkel asked:

I have been on six Carnival cruises and it seems that the more that I am on, the worse location I get in the dining room. I look forward to every aspect of the cruise including dining and this is becoming very disappointing. I was told during my sixth cruise that if I am unhappy with my location, I can speak to the maitre´ d, which I did and all I accomplished was upsetting her and she made it very clear to me. While this was my sixth cruise (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it was my father’s first and I was anxious for him to have a good time and be able to see the waiters sing and dance and want to cruise again. She moved us, it was still a terrible location and we could not see anything. So, why is it that as I cruise more am I getting worse locations in the dining room?

John says:
Hello Angela Henkel

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done. In truth it’s based on demographics, groups and other factors but not who has cruised the most. I think the maitre d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and regardless of where you are seated that you will receive good food and brilliant service. I am guessing that you wish to be based at the centre of the dining room which a few guests do feel are the best tables and if that’s the case let me know next time you cruise and I will do my best to assist you. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Dean asked:
John,

This may get a little long, but I wanted to make sure and call out everything and everyone on the Carnival Freedom that made our cruise the best yet. We sailed on 11/19, and are dealing with our first full day back home (including some serious withdrawal). Before I started forgetting things, I wanted to write up some feedback.

First, the eight-day western Caribbean is a perfect itinerary. The perfect mix of sea days and ports to keep a busy family relaxed. The only thing we wished is that it had an extra day to stop by Cozumel again on the way home between the two sea days for some extra beach time.

Next, on to the staff. I’ve never understood some forum comments I’ve seen people make in the past where they’d indicate a cruise director either made or ruined their cruise. In my opinion, I’m the only one who can make my cruise good or bad, since it is after all, my cruise. After being on the Carnival Freedom last week, I now get what they’re saying (in a good way). Brad was simply outstanding and definitely made our time on the ship better. I couldn’t tell you the name of any CD we’ve had on past ships (various lines), but I have no doubt we’ll remember Brad. The guy has the perfect personality for this job, and is absolutely hilarious (or “almost a comedian” as some lady at the Q&A put it, which she meant as a compliment). Carnival should do whatever they can to keep him, and as you can tell, we can’t say enough good stuff about him.

Frankly, his entertainment staff is great, too. We played trivia several times, and Chelsea was awesome. She was always smiling, and incredibly friendly. In case she sees this, we’d like to give her a shout out from the Crusin’ Cats. We had a blast coming back from wwaaayyy behind to win super trivia on the last day!

Moving on, our wait staff in the Posh dining room, headed by Ashwin, was excellent. He’s a very personable guy, and did a great job, even with some of the others at our table disappearing on him. We wish him a safe and relaxing trip home when he gets off the ship in a few days.
Great DR + great table next to the aft windows + great staff = excellent dining experience. Not sure how we pulled that outstanding table location, but we loved it. I’d also like to add that our visit to the steak house was excellent. The filet was perfect (far better than the filet served in the DR ), and Polina was very friendly and handled some changes to our steakhouse reservations before we sailed very quickly. Hope she enjoys her time off.

Overall, Carnival has come a long way since we last sailed with them in 2004, and as mentioned, this turned in to our best cruise to date. A very big thank you to everyone on the ship for a wonderful vacation!

Dean

PS – To the dancer who did the Austin Powers themed dance class, it was awesome, but you should add a flash mob element to it. After you teach the class the dance, send them up nonchalantly to Lido and Panorama to surround the pool, and once everyone is up there fire up the music and start dancing. It’d be awesome!

John says:
Hello Dean

What an absolutely fantastic review and I am so glad you mentioned Brad who is everything you said he is. The Carnival Freedom is top of the fleet in ratings as per the guest review cards and your review sums up exactly why. I have sent your words of praise to the ship and the beards and I hope we will see you again soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Lori De Granger asked:
John –

You mentioned that Carnival has no religious services on board their boats so how can you state you are a family cruise line. I was researching the possibilities of doing a cruise and read your blog and when I saw that you had no services I was horrified and bitterly disappointed. It’s back to Branson, Missouri, for us.

John says:
Hello Lorri De Granger

That’s two very different comments today about religion. Every now and then I have to simply say that cruising isn’t for everyone and if religious services during the cruise is a deciding factor whether you book with Carnival then this is one of those occasions. I wish you and your family a wonderful vacation wherever you spend it and if you think there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Perez asked:

I have read various comments about past guest parties, but after nine sailings on Carnival, I have never been invited to one. How come?

John says:
Hello Frank Perez

I am flabbergasted by this. I really am You should have received written invitations in your stateroom since cruise number two. I sincerely apologise and will look into this right now for you and someone will be in touch.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Haviland asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I need a table for two because of my wife’s speech impediment which she is very embarrassed about. We are on Dream Marc 3, 2012 in cabin 8292.

Simon and Martha Haviland

John says:
Hello Simon Haviland

I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with this and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

Just wondering if you will be the cruise director on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze out of Miami. We were on the inaugural of the Carnival Magic out of Galveston and were a little disappointed that you were not the CD on that trip, although we were happy to see you out and about on the ship. We had a great time on the cruise, especially the Trivia/Canada trivia with Calvin. I think the wife (Trina) would be his groupie if we weren’t in the 29+++++++ age group. So I guess her question would be, is Calvin going to be on the Carnival Breeze for the inaugural out of Miami. And by the way, thank you for the strawberries you sent us for our anniversary. It was like seed faith for an evangelist; Trina had to have them every day for the rest of the cruise. Whatever keeps mama happy is a good thing.

Thanks again, Cheers

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

Brilliant post because that describes Calvyn so much, He is funny and so talented and we will be hosting shows together when we see you on the Carnival Breeze. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise and see you both soon.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today, many thanks for all the questions and comments.

And as promised I will continue with my recap of the ports that the Carnival Legend will visit on her Baltic cruises and today we talk about the jewel in the Baltic itinerary which is of course St. Petersburg — the one in Russia, not Florida.

The excursions we will offer in 2013 will be simply the best and remember to pass through Russian immigration you must have booked a private excursion and have proof of this with you or, as most guests do book an excursion onboard. You will not be able to get past the men with frying pan hats on and who have the sense of humour of a dead slug if you don’t. You cannot just go ashore on your own, it’s not allowed. The end.

Priority will be given to guests on a Carnival purchased excursion who will leave the ship first in this port. Just an FYI for now. Basically, St. Petersburg is the best port of call, by a long way. There is no city like it and the Carnival Legend will be your time machine. We will take you back to the days of the tsars and tsarinas and WWII when, under its old name of Leningrad, the city was under siege for two years and over a million people died………..mostly from starvation.

Then the remnants of the days of Lenin, Stalin and the one with the funny oil patch on his head will be up close and personal as the last throws of communism will be there for all to see. This comes as you drive through the suburbs past the old cars and faceless grey buildings where some people still have to queue for a loaf of bread. You see, Russia is often a land of the haves and the have nots, although there seem to be quite a few haves these days. You can see them everywhere stepping out of their big Mercedes and Rolls Royce Phantoms under the watchful eyes of ex-KGB bodyguards with no necks and who have tattoos of a bloody axe on their forehead and who talk mysteriously into their arms. The amount of cash washing around Russia these days is astronomical, inconceivable even. On the all day tours lunch and dinner is included and the restaurants we visited when I was there with Carnival Splendor in St. Petersburg are quite gaudy, with more camp and flash than Richard Simmons’ shorts and designed by top Russian architect Joseph Farcusov.

The ship organized tours of seven or more hours will feature lunch in restaurants oozing with gold ornaments and massive sterling silver cutlery. You will be welcomed with a glass of vodka which you should drink in one shot……..not doing so is considered rude. Then and still before any food is served, you are given a glass of Russian champagne. Your guide will make a toast and again she will explain that Russian tradition states that you must drink this glass again …..….in one long gulp.

So you have had a shot of vodka and a huge glass of champagne all in five minutes. The reason they do this is because the food is crap. Of course, I am joking. The food was surprisingly excellent.

So, what tour should you take? What should you see? Well, the most popular excursion on the Carnival Splendor will also be offered in 2012 on the Carnival Legend. It’s called the Grand Tour and it certainly lives up to its name. I remember that 1,000 people took this excursion each and every time we sailed into the port. This is the best of everything and over the two days you will visit most of the major sites. This still allows time in the evening to take in an evening concert at Catherine Palace with dinner in Pushkin or our most popular tour …… sitting in the national theatre watching the very thin women and men with pieces of fruit shoved down the front of their tights….or to give them their proper name……The St. Petersburg National Ballet Company perform……Swan Lake…it’s truly incomparable.

However you mix your tours you must see the top five which are:

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM – The Hermitage used to be the palace of the tsars and now it contains possibly the greatest collection of paintings, jewelry, statues and rare items from all over the world. Everywhere you turn there are moments of “wow” and “Oh my goodness look at that!” There are even stronger emotions when you enter the Throne Room from where the tsars ruled Russia. There are paintings by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet and in the Gold Room, a collection of precious stone objects that are quite simply indescribable. They say that if you were to stop and look at every artifact in the Hermitage for just three minutes…….it would take you a year to see everything.

And, of course, you must see Catherine’s Palace, the fountains and palace at Peterhof, and the Peter and Paul Fortress. Then at night we have excursions to the folkloric shows, a private dinner and performance at Catherine Palace and, of course, a chance to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet Company………..amazing.

All of the above is what makes St. Petersburg a must on your bucket list. St. Petersburg is a living version of a Tom Clancy novel and I absolutely loved it. The city is as intense as putting Ben-Gay on your thingy and the grayness is everywhere, even the stray dogs that nibble on the left over grey food……. are grey. I was talking with Ken here on Carnival Magic and we both said that St. Petersburg is a place anyone who visits …..will never forget.

OK, let’s jump back into the Delorean and go back in time to 2008 when a much fatter me made this video.

So as you saw yesterday Carnival Destiny is doing a trans-Atlantic crossing that ends in Europe. What happens after that will be announced in the weeks ahead. The trans-Atlantic crossing is exciting news for those who wanted new and varied ports of call, that’s for sure.

In two days time I will be cruise director and providing the swamp fever I have at the moment doesn’t kill me then I will be ready to get out on stage and share with you the stories of life onboard. Stories like this one from today’s incident report.

CABIN………
NAME: Mrs.…….
REF: 171140A809
Guest called the GSD and stated that she was upset because she had been sitting at the same slot machine in the casino for 40 minutes and did not win. She left to go to the bathroom and came back and another guest was playing and won $450. Mrs. _________ says she left her drink at the side of the machine to reserve it and that the win should be hers. Casino manager contacted guest. Nothing further.

I don’t know about you but I do feel sorry for the guest as that was one very expensive pee.
OK, that’s me done for today as I am not feeling well and blogging with a cold is as difficult as translating the words “personal hygiene” into French.

I will be on Facebook over the weekend and then reporting from the CD chair here on the blog on Monday when I will also be reunited with my stateroom steward Ketut who for some weird reason has asked for a transfer to another ship. I wonder why?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

This has as I mentioned gotten me thinking about Kye and what she might say as she grows older. I can imagine her asking Heidi “Mama, what is Latvian Bottoms magazine and why are there 27 copies of it in Dadda’s computer bag?” “Why are you older than other Daddies?”; “What’s rumpy pumpy?”; “Is it OK that I told Alice’s mummy you said she wore too much lipstick and had a huge bottom?”

Obviously there are some questions which are impossible to answer: “Who signed off on building the Norwegian Epic” and “When will our new loyalty program be released?” My favourite though belongs to my mate Alan’s son. Alan and his wife Alison had bought him two goldfish which he loved……for about 10 minutes….and then forgot. The fish were then the responsibility of the parents and that did not make them very happy and they were referred to using very colourful metaphors. Anyway, a few months later his grandmother came to visit and asked Alan and Alison’s seven-year-old son what the names of his fish were. Obviously his immediate thought went to what his parents had called them over and over again and so obviously his reply to 84-year-old grandmother was………… “f****g fish.”

Time for today’s Q and A………..lets crack on.

Mel F asked:
John.

My mother and I sailed recently on the Carnival Freedom and the service in the dining room left a lot to be desired. We had ordered Kosher meals ahead of time and yet the waiters seemed untrained in how to serve them and what to do. At first we were given PAPER KNIFE AND FORKS and the food itself was bland and of a cafeteria standard. We won’t be sailing again with you if this is how you treat your customers.

John says:
Hello Mel F

I am so sorry that this happened. I spoke to Ken, the maitre d here on the Carnival Magic, and he told me that there are sometimes guests who ask for Kosher meals also request plastic cutlery. Obviously you didn’t and we should have asked ahead of time obviously. I have sent a note to the office regarding your comments on the Kosher meals and I am sure we will strive to do better. I also hope that you will look back at the fun you had on the cruise and that you will indeed join us again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Vicki Hart asked:
John,

You may recall having heard from me before. My husband and I were to sail the Carnival Dream in February 2012. Due to his diagnosis of cancer we changed our trip to Oct. 15, 2011. Sadly he passed on Oct. 5 and that trip never happened. I had written to you a few times and you were helping me to make his last trip special for him. Thank you for your kindness during that time. Don wanted to take our adult daughters on their first cruise to introduce them to the joys of cruising. Since he never got that opportunity I have decided to honor the anniversary of his death by taking the girls on a cruise in October 2012. We will be sailing the Carnival Elation out of New Orleans. Would it be possible for you to arrange for us to be seated somewhere in the middle of the dining room? We will be on the ship for the anniversary of their father’s passing. I just want to make this trip as special as I can. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do!

John says:
Hello Vicki Hart

I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sure this cruise will be one full of mixed emotions. However, if I may be so bold to say, I think it’s brilliant that you are taking the family as per his wishes and to honour your husband’s life. May I please ask that one month before you sail you contact me here on the blog again marking your post time sensitive or indeed do so on Facebook and I will make sure we look after you? I will be thinking of you all and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes and deepest sympathies.

John

Diane Blissett asked:

I agree with others who said today that your language and sexual innuendos have no place here and that Carnival should reconsider your position as brand ambassador but I guess looking at it I should have expected nothing else from Carnival as I am still awaiting resolution to my complaints from my Carnival Valor cruise of November. Lurid language and sexual references may be OK for some but for many it is an immediate turn off and that reflects badly on Carnival. I read this blog to get information about the Carnival Breeze. Even though I am not interested in your bowel movements, farting, or your opinions of non-smokers, I put up with it to keep up with a ship that I’ll be on. Your humor is enjoyed by far less than you probably realize. I mentioned the Carnival Breeze, when the ship stays over the night in Rome is there anything to do next to the ship or in walking distance?

John says:
Hello Diane Blissett

Let’s start with the answer to your question. The ship docks in Civitavecchia and there is a free shuttle bus that runs until midnight into the town where there are loads of restaurants and a beautiful promenade but there is nothing next to the ship. Let me know please if you have any other questions. I am sorry if my cheekiness and sometimes candid way of writing is not for you. I happen to think British humor is some of the finest in the world but then I would I guess being British. I am sorry you had concerns in November on the Carnival Valor and I will investigate your comments and ask a colleague to contact you. I do tend to use bad language and that’s always been the case. You know, I thought my wife had a nervous tic but apparently she really did want me to “p**s off.” Just a little bit of British humor there for you. I’m sure you’re not laughing though…..oh bugger. Seriously, thanks for writing and I will look into your concerns for you.

Best wishes.

John

Marc W asked:
John.

I understand that you are the person to write to about my cruise experience. I should say that I am a frequent cruiser with 25-plus with all the major lines and this cruise was far from perfect. The buffet upstairs was hit and miss. Sometimes it was good and sometimes pretty bad. We didn’t know whether the food we chose would be hot, lukewarm or cold. I liked the layout but not the delivery. I saw a stir fry station with all the ingredients but no stir fry cook. I stood there but no one seemed interested in helping me. One night we got the meat balls, which were excellent. The next time we went there my husband said the meatballs were like they were just taken out of the refrigerator. If we wanted hot food at breakfast we had to stand in line and order our eggs specially cooked. After a few days, we gave up on the buffet. The dining room at lunch — we tried this one day. The service was so bad that the table of two next to us left before ordering because they had waited so long just to be waited on. It took over an hour to receive our lunch. I had told my husband they had another five minutes before I walked. The waiter finally told us that it was the kitchen’s fault. They didn’t expect so many to eat there that day. In the dining room, we really enjoyed the service. The waiter and his assistant were excellent. I would describe the food as passable. Example: I ordered Mom’s pork chop, chef’s recommendation. It was a pork chop that was coated with shake n bake with a sweet sauce. You never knew what exactly you would be getting. Since I had already had an appetizer and a soup, it was no big deal. I will give the sous chef high marks. The soups were always excellent. Please take this seriously sir as I do know cruising better than most and hope that you will improve by the next time I choose to cruise with your line.

Marc W

John says:
Hello Marc Warsi

Please excuse me if I am being a bit thick here but I have read your post twice and I can’t for the life of me work out what ship you were on. The only reference is the pork chop you described which I am not familiar with. We do have a Mongolian Wok and yet there are always people serving food there so again I am not sure to what you are referring to. Please can you send me more details so I can help you because I really do want to know what ship you were on so we can take a closer look. Thinking about it I don’t think we serve meatballs on Lido either……..do we? Anyway, let me know and regardless I am so sorry your experience left you feeling less than pleased.

Best wishes.

John

Johnny Byrd asked:
John,

I guess you don’t have an answer for the questions I ask you about. I sent you questions about VIP guests where we stood in a line waiting on baggage for about three an hour to an hour and a half. I guess nobody cares at Carnival about their VIP people.

John says:
Hello Johnny Byrd

We absolutely do care and I am sorry that I haven’t replied yet to you as I don’t think I can remember seeing anything from you until now. Please can you let me know more details so I can look into this for you because we need to see where we slipped up. We have a new loyalty program due soon which I hope will prove even more just how much we do care about our VIP guests.

Best wishes and sorry for the late reply.

John

Gary Gorman asked:
John -

My family and I just returned from a wonderful cruise aboard the Carnival Spirit. We sailed on Nov. 13 for a five-day cruise to Cabo San Lucas. All together there were 23 of us on the cruise and we had a wonderful time. However, I have one small complaint but I also want to commend the maître d’ on the Carnival Spirit for his wonderful job of handling our problem.

Most of our family booked the cruise using the group booking number. A few of our family chose not to do that, and booked separately. We all did want to dine together, so as the group coordinator, I called Carnival’s group department on a few occasions, and spoke with someone about making sure that all of us were seated together. I did this each time someone booked without using the group number. Each time I was assured they would take care of linking their booking to the rest of us for meals. Well, we boarded, and started chatting and discovered that we were scattered over several tables with the exception of those that booked as part of the group. At first I thought maybe we were all together in the dining room, but soon discovered that was not the case. I contacted the maître d’ and spoke with him about the situation. This is where the story really gets good. He managed to move people around and by the second night, we were all sitting at two tables, side by side! I was absolutely amazed at what a great job he did of fixing what could have been a very vexing problem for us. Kudos and thanks to the wonderful dining staff of the Carnival Spirit!!! And a little bit of a pffffft towards the group booking folks.

Thanks for listening to my tale and I hope you can tell me what I could have done better to assure this won’t happened next time. And there will be a next time.

John says:
Hello Gary Gorman

A tale with a sort of a happy ending and that’s just what I needed to hear as today’s Q&A has been a bit……ummmm…..bumpy. It does look like we dropped the ball here though and I will make sure the right people know this. However, equally important I will let the beards know that the maitre d turned the situation around and that’s just wonderful to read. Thanks for telling me and if you ever need help with dining arrangements for your next cruise please do let me know.
I hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Richard Glash asked:

I would like to know what happened to Chris Jefferson? He was the cruise director on the Carnival Conquest. If you have any information let me know.

Thank you.

Richard Glash

John says:
Hello Richard Glash

Chris retired two years ago and we all miss him. His wife gave birth to a baby daughter last year and they are all together living in the UK. Thanks for asking, that was very kind.

Best wishes.

John

Trudy asked:

We are cruising with you guys on the Carnival Fascination ship 2/27 for our Washington High School in Atlanta, Georgia class of 1971 reunion. We are in cabins R53, R55, R79 and M11 and wondered how we claim our free gift.

John says:
Hello Trudy

I am not sure what free gift you are referring to but if you are asking if I can send something to you to help celebrate your reunion then I am sure I can find something for you to share. Have a great time and hope you have loads of fun.

Best wishes.

John

Nathan Derringer asked:
Dear John (Please Reply),

I will be on a cruise for the first time with Carnival on the beautiful Carnival Spirit to Alaska. I will be joined by my wife and eight-year-old son, Nathan Jr. He has a morbid fear of mascots and after weeks of worry and various tests it was discovered he suffers from coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I have read that you have a mascot on the ship and seen photos of it and it will for sure make my son so upset and maybe as has happened before he will actually faint. How can I make sure that the mascot is not on the ship for that cruise? Please help. Thank you on behalf of worried parents.

John says:
Hello Nathan Derringer

I am so glad you have written to me and seeing that you are sailing to Alaska means we have some time to sort this out. I am going to look up your sailing date and make sure that when you arrive the youth director who runs Camp Carnival will place in your stateroom a schedule of when Fun Ship Freddy is due to appear. There won’t be any random appearances, just what’s on the schedule so you will know not to have Nathan Jr. there. You are not the first to worry about this, in fact I am sure there are blog readers who will be posting their thoughts about this below as they have had similar concerns. Please don’t worry, all will be well and I will make sure of that and be in touch before you sail.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your lot for today. So the big news yesterday was of course Carnival Legend and her European tour in 2013 and in case you didn’t get to see the news yesterday, here it is again.

http://carnival-news.com/2012/02/14/carnival-legend-to-operate-wide-array-of-exciting-european-cruises-in-2013-including-lines-first-extended-program-from-uk-3/

She has been to Europe before of course when in 2002 we sailed to the Baltic and round the British Isles and it was truly amazing. Now over the next few weeks I will be highlighting some of the brilliant places that we call at and let’s start with our return to the Baltic which I know so many of you are excited about.

One of the highlights will be Warnemunde where Kye was created during five minutes of das rumpy von pumpy. Seriously, Germany has a history and one that it is keen to open its doors to and ask you in. And, of course, for the best view of this country’s history that affected most of the world………you have to go to Berlin. Carnival Legend will have private trains to take you to Berlin and from experience I can tell you it’s a must see city. The whole city is packed with culture, history and attractions. The transparent dome of the Reichstag, and the Platz der Republik, architecture at its best, the views are incredible every which way you look.

You can gaze down into the debating chamber of the German parliament; across the void to the ingenious double walkways that spiral to the summit; or out onto the Brandenburg Gate and across the vast Tiergarten Park to the Kurfürstendamm. I got to stand where the Berlin Wall stood and where parts of this hated symbol of a divided Europe still stand. To see the Checkpoint Charlie museum, near the former East-West crossing point, which chronicles the many daring escape attempts and the blood spilled.

There is, of course, a place that we give you the chance to visit that will change your life …….. here is what I wrote in 2008 when I visited somewhere I will never forget. “As I sit here on the bus for the three-hour ride to Warnemunde, I only have thoughts for the place I just came from ………Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. We walked as the prisoners did up to the huge foreboding iron gates that have the feared insignia of the SS on either side and in the middle the words ‘Arbeit Macht Frei,’ which translates to ‘Work Will Give You Freedom.’ Nothing was further than the truth as this was the place where 50,000 Jews, Russian soldiers and anyone who did not fit Hitler’s ‘Kampf’ died. We listened to the stories from our expert guide about the torture and we visited the cells and chambers where these acts were carried out. Then there were the stories about the children…oh, the children…I cannot even bring myself to write the words.”

I thought I would share a video with you of Germany and my time there on the Carnival Splendor. Now you have to remember this was filmed some years ago and long before Peter the Hair and Jay The Recently Married got their hands on me and tried to mould me into a cross between Andersen Cooper and Wolf Blister. Things were different back then, the logo has changed of course and so has the production value. Myself and Heidi and the shore excursion team went on location to film some Travel Channel-style video footage which we play on the guest televisions. When I say Travel Channel…well……it was a little different. They have huge teams of cameraman, sound engineers, make-up artists and beautiful women supplying the host with anything he needs.….we had a bloke……who was cameraman, soundman and supplied me the host…….with bugger all. As for makeup….well…I refused to wear any and would rather tie a piece of old cheese to my thingy and have H82Seaugo put a starved rat down my underpants ………. than wear mascara and foundation.

The videos were also shot in early March which is why it may look a bit grey and wet on occasion. Remember when you will be on the Carnival Legend the weather will be different but the excursions and the places featured here will be the same and our brilliant excursion program will offer you a chance to see places like this.

Our shoreside excursion team will start work on the excursions and get them ready and available ASAP and I will keep you informed. Tomorrow we will talk about St. Petersburg and that is a city that should be on everyone’s bucket list and we haven’t even mentioned the Norwegian fjords. Have you booked yet?

You know, the way public debate is now conducted, there is nobody who is safe from public mockery and ridicule and I have finally come to the realisation that I am included in that. I am the first to publicly ridicule myself and along the way have upset Al Gore supporters, loads of Cruise Critic members, other cruise line executives, environmentalists, Diane Blissett and, of course, the French. There are one or two people who seem to take great pleasure in sending me snippets from other cruise pages and most of the time I delete without being read but one caught my eye yesterday because it was very funny. It simply said “Carnival has chosen Eliza Doolittle as their Brand Ambassador” and as I read that I laughed out loud because in a way………they are absolutely correct……they did.

I don’t think my language is that bad is it? I don’t swear that much in writing or in real life, I really don’t. Swearing is bad and any children reading this please do not listen to Uncle John’s ranting and use of colourful metaphors. It isn’t easy to swear well though. We should celebrate those who swear well. Genius swearers, in my book, include John Cleese, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Richard Pryor, Ray Winstone a brilliant British actor and the undisputed king of swearing ……….Tony Soprano.

By the way, did you know there is a village in Austria called “F**k”………….The “Welcommen Zu F**k” sign has apparently been stolen many many times………….sorry Diane.

Well tomorrow is Thursday and be sure and check my Facebook page when we have some interesting and exciting news indeed.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anyway, the game show itself is going to be a huge hit and if I am honest there is as much chance of me adhering to the script as there is me wearing a pair of pants that shows the crack of my arse like one of the ACD’s here Chicken Squishy or whatever the heck he’s called.

Hasbro, The Game Show promises to be loads of fun with adaptations of the company’s popular games such as Sorry, Operation, Yahtzee, Connect Four and, of course, one that you and I have played many times with our families………and that’s the game with no end……Monopoly.

I am totally confused by Monopoly. The rules explain how you can un-mortgage a property and when you should build hotels on Park Avenue but they don’t say, and they should, that the winner is the last player left alive. You go bankrupt so you borrow money from your Dad who has loads of cash. Then you go bankrupt again. So you borrow more money from the bank. And then, when there is no more money left in the box, you write out an IOU and keep on borrowing by which time it is 4 am, everyone is bankrupt and you have realised that unchecked capitalism doesn’t work whether it comes in the form of a Wall Street banker or in a cardboard box. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not, there will be a “bad loser” around the table who will land on your hotel on Madison Avenue and in a hysterical rage will throw the board and the pieces in the air and, in true Wall Street fashion, throw themselves out of the window. I wonder as it I sit here in my underpants at the start of 2012 whether or not kids still play Monopoly because I would think that in their minds anything that doesn’t run on electricity is stupid and boring. So the idea of moving a hat or a roller-skate around a piece of cardboard and not being able to play Modern Warfare Grand Theft Zombie Killer on their Weeweexplaybox would mean teenage tantrums all round. Heidi and I have a Playxboxstation thingy but it’s used about as much as the George Foreman Grill and my Betamax video recorder that I refuse to throw away.

In theory Scrabble is much better and yet it too gets under my skin.  And that’s because I always end up with mostly vowels. So while my opponent is writing “bumfuzzling” across two triple word scores and claiming it’s a game of skill, I’m getting three points for the word “boob.”

The idea of Hasbro, The Game Show, will be to bring audiences and players closer together in an evening of fun and fantastic prizes. However, while board games brought my family together, they also bring out hysteria, accusations and hate. Maybe amongst the Sorry Sliders and Connect Four games we should include something for today’s teens and have a night of playing Death Zombie Warfare Witchcraft Pack Bastard Space Asteroid Killers.

Time for some Q and A……away we go.

Brian O’Keefe Asked:
We loved the comedy shows on the Carnival Freedom and the comedians were so funny. The problem John was the venue which was too small and talking to the people we ate dinner with and other passengers we all felt that the comedy club should be in the big theatre. We all said we would give up the dancer shows for more comedy. Can you send a big shout out to Lotti our cabin stewardess who we attempted to pack and take home with us? Thanks, John.

John Says:
Hello Brian O’Keefe

Thanks for the post and I hope you had fun. Your question caused some great conversation on Facebook and it was certainly worthy of discussion. I think we do have a good balance between comedy, variety and the big production shows. I know that the Punchliner comedy shows are very popular and certainly some are full which is why we repeat them over a space of two nights per each two comedians and we don’t have any plans though of moving them to another lounge. Thanks for the great comment about Lotti and I shall make sure she sees this. I do hope you had fun.

Best wishes.
John

Janet Bettencourt Asked:
Hi John,

My daughter is desperate to be featured in your passenger talent show when she cruises with us on the Elation on July 9. She is eight years old and has already won trophies and came first in the Models of Distinction show in Mississippi. Please secure her a spot and she will bring her music to sing her song which will bring the house down.

Hello Janet Bettencourt
Many congratulations on your daughter’s success and I am sure she has a bright future. I checked the entertainment schedule and in fact we don’t have a talent show that cruise. I am sure you will have a brilliant time and if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes to all.
John

Scott Stanley Asked:
My wife and I will be experiencing Carnival for the first time on the Carnival Dream for our third anniversary in March. I thought about surprising her with a marriage vow renewal on the ship. I’d like to know if it is possible to have a small ceremony (no guests) that is more on the informal side.  I don’t mind buying one of the wedding packages, but they seem to be geared towards more guests/formal ceremony types.  Do you think it is possible to schedule/book something more like what we’d like?  Any info you can share would be appreciated.  Thanks

John Says:
Hello Scott Stanley

Thanks so very much for choosing the Carnival Dream for your special celebration and we do indeed have a wedding renewal ceremony on board. It may sound formal but in fact it’s a very intimate ceremony hosted by the captain and in the presence of only the two of you and any guests you choose to invite. Hope that’s OK and I promise it will be a wonderful way to celebrate your lives together. I wish you many more happy years and a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Jon Resinki Asked:
I have done five cruises with you guys and never once have I been offered an upgrade cabin. I always read that others have gotten one but I never do. I guess I am the wrong color or not a VIP but I work hard in my community as an educator and deserve an upgrade as much as anyone else.

John Says:
Hello Jon Resinki

The myth of the upgrade and that many guests get one each week is I am afraid wrong. They come along now and then because for the most part our ships sail totally sold out. Now as to who gets an upgrade, well that is also not easy to answer but if I may suggest that you get a travel agent or PVP to book your cruises as they will be able to help when upgrades or special pricing becomes available. I do hope one day you get the upgrade call. Thanks for all you do as a teacher and for spending your valuable vacation time with us.

Best wishes.
John

Steve Kurs Asked:
John you and I have something in common and that’s we are both obese and, as a fellow fatty, I don’t understand why you don’t get bigger sizes in the gift shops. On the Carnival Sensation the largest size they had was XXXL and I am 385 pounds so that’s not going to fit me IS IT? I am sure you understand but if you do then why am I not taken care of like other passengers. We need 5X and bigger! It is pure discrimination that only thin people can find something to wear.

John Says:
Hello Steve Kurs

Thanks for the post and I do understand that it’s hard when you find something that doesn’t fit you, I certainly understand that. I know that the shops on board have guaranteed to sell bigger sizes although not 5X so I will send your thoughts to the folks that run the shops. Thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.
John

Tracy D Asked:
You were right John we loved the Carnival Legend. Nestor and Doctor K were great pool-side servers; Doctor K could be a little pushy, though. Our steward, Desra, was fantastic! She was always friendly and talked to us every time we crossed paths. After buying the towel folding book, we left her a cobra on our last day, knowing she’d get a kick out of it! We enjoyed all the shows we went to on board. We went to the comedy – G and R rated shows (very funny!), two nights of the magic show (we highly recommend this one!), and a few of the game shows. I think our favorite day was the first day at sea for the Hairy Chest Competition (Go Lou!). Wee Jimmy was a hoot, his jokes were corny but he laughed at himself, which made the corny jokes better. Alex was definitely the best host on the ship, always full of energy and the Minnesota joke NEVER got old! Wed had a blast!

John Says:
Hello Tracy D

What a wonderful review and I am so glad that you had fun. I will be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled. I loved the comment about Wee Jimmy and he really is a funny chap and a great CD. Thanks again and I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.
John

Richard Gledhill Asked:
The Carnival Freedom was not good. Our room only had a small chair and a stool for sitting but on RCI we had a suite with a huge comfy sofa. The bed on Freedom was very uncomfortable. The entire staff was rude and unhelpful and nobody cared I was in a scooter and offered me any help and I had to wait in line at buffets on Lido. The food was not as good as other ships we’ve sailed and cheaper cuts of meat were offered. I have written expecting compensation but have had no response!

John Says:
Hello Richard Gledhill

It was a big surprise for me to read this as the Carnival Freedom is often the top ranked ship in our fleet as per the comments made by guests that complete the review card. I am very sorry that you didn’t enjoy the cruise and that you did not find the staff helpful and if you had booked a suite on the ship you would I promise have found our suites also have large comfy sofas and more space. I have sent this to a colleague and you will be hearing from them soon. I hope we will see you again and my apologies that this cruise did not meet or exceed your expectations.

Best wishes.
John

Dave Rowan Asked:
I need help because I am cruising on the Carnival Dream March 31 and want to propose to my girlfriend Cindy. I have no idea how to do this and need your help to get this done please as I am really really nervous. To make matters worse my future in laws Susan and Art Bannacki (in cabin 2351) are with us and they don’t know I am doing this. What’s your suggestion, please can you help. I am sweating just thinking about it but want it to be a memorable proposal. Thanks so much Mr. Heald.

John Says:
Hello Dave Rowan

I can actually feel your nerves oozing out of the post so it’s my job to help you. We can do this two ways, a small private proposal or indeed a proposal on stage in front of other guests……. and your in-laws! So we have a bit of time, let me know what you want to do and with the help of the CD and staff I will do all I can to make this a painless, fun and happy occasion. I am sure all will be well.

Best wishes.
John

Alexandria Dabrini Asked:
John, can you tell me if Carnival has singles only cruises? I don’t like kids and find that they are not well behaved on cruises and on my last trip on Sensation there were hundreds of them running riot and it ruined the cruise. Carnival should have a kid free ship and if there is a ship for breeders there should be one for the thousands who want no kids on their cruise.

John Says:
Hello Alexandria Dabrini

Thanks for the comment and I have to say that Carnival is proud to be a family cruise line and so we won’t ever I think dedicate a ship to having no children on board. I do think that you should maybe look at times of the year when the children count is lower as in school time and then maybe you will not notice them so much. I hope we see you on board soon.

Best wishes.
John

John Dobrescu Asked:
I really enjoy your blog and please don’t worry about those haters who obviously have never met you. I met you in 2006 on Carnival Liberty in Europe and we have so many wonderful memories. On that cruise we met a bar waiter called Anica. She worked at the wine bar and was one of the highlights of the cruise. I wonder if she is still working for Carnival and if so what ship. I ask this because she was from Romania which is where I was born and fled the country with my parents when I was just nine years old. She is from my home town Oradea and I wondered if you had her contact information please. Thank you.

John Says:
Hello John Dobrescu

Thanks for the kind words and for getting in contact with me. I am afraid I don’t show any Anica from Romania working on our ships at the moment. I have checked our records and I am sorry but it looks like she has left. It sounds like she made quite an impression on you and I hope somehow you get to see her again.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today.

Over the weekend I posted some beautiful photos of the Serenity area on the Carnival Spirit and while being serene and relaxing with some suntan oil and a good book maybe how some like to spend their days at sea, others prefer excitement. And if thrill seeking is your thing, then we have got your Carnival Spirit cruisers covered.

Designed specifically for Australians whose lives are a thrill a minute especially when they make sure there are no red back spiders hiding in the toilet which while you are reading your copy of the Australian Times will bite you on the arse and kill you dead, the new slide on the Carnival Spirit is quite simply historic.

I can imagine that as you stand at the top of the stairs your stomach turns as you edge towards the green coloured tube that leads you into oblivion. You stand on the edge, the soles of your feet sweating, “Just do it!” your wife says, and you close your eyes and then without any warning you are slipping and sliding through the green tube. Seconds later you are over the ocean and below is Debbie the Dolphin who was swimming along without a care in the world and suddenly looks up to see your flaccid bottom flying down a green tube. You think that maybe you will be able to wave at the people on Lido deck below you but all you can see are the inside of your eye lids and all you can hear are your own screams echoing all the way through the Green Thunder’s tubing. Suddenly you’re spectacularly hurled out into the plunge pool and as you eventually stand you do so with a lingering look up Green Thunder’s tubing hoping that you haven’t given the green a tint of brown.

The simple pleasure of sliding down a chute into water is something I have never understood. Gerry Cahill, our president and CEO, is a huge fan of these things and he made me race him on the Carnival Dream. He cheated and I lost my shorts. Not a good day out for me that but I am in the minority because water parks are so popular and with Green Thunder we have taken them to a new level and I must admit from the photos you will see in a moment, pretty intimidating level. Water parks on ships have come a long way since the simple slides we first had and Green Thunder looks amazing and along with the other water park additions you will see have transformed Carnival Spirit’s Lido Deck.

One thing I always worry about with slides like this is that being fat (thanks for the reminder Steve Kurs) I am concerned that these slides were not designed for big people and that my fear was that I would get stuck half way round. That obviously isn’t the case with Green Thunder because you don’t have to be as thin as the Amish phone book to go down ……. you just have to be totally bonkers and have the most easy going, have fun, no worries kind of thinking…….which is why Green Thunder will be absolutely perfect for Australia.

Here is one of Eric the Beard’s slide show thingies highlighting Green Thunder and the Carnival Spirit’s brilliant water park.

You may have seen the proposal request in today’s Q&A from Dave and you could feel how nervous he was couldn’t you? I get asked to arrange public on stage wedding proposals a lot here and when I am a CD on the ships which I was indeed supposed to be this week on Carnival Magic but because the game show rehearsals are continuing I am unable to do so. Anyway, I am always happy to help with wedding proposals but I have never quite understood why some men feel the need to do this in public. I have proposed three times to women in my life. The first time was via a letter when I wrote to Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch proclaiming my total love for her and asked her to marry me and that after the ceremony we move to our own Blue Lagoon. She never replied……..looking back though her non-reply may have had something to do with the fact that the letter was written on a pair of my underpants.

The second time I proposed…well……..that was a little more public as both sets of parents were there and I thought that was the chivalrous thing to do. She said “yes” but in the end things didn’t work out and one day she woke up, realized I was an ugly bastard and buggered off. She is now living in New York, happily married to a great guy who doesn’t fart and make her vomit when she sees him naked……..which is never good for a relationship.

As for Heidi…….well……I was so positive that when I asked her to marry me that she would say, “No, Nichtus, Buggernsie Offen Sie” that I decided to ask her alone………just the two of us …… in the cabin on the Carnival Imagination. She was supposed to come back to the cabin from work at 11:30 pm. I had a rose…….lying on a silk sheet……..with the ring lying next to it …. I had her favourite song playing on the CD player…….the lights were dimmed……..I had my best underpants on……nothing else……..just my best underpants…..all was set …… 11:30 pm came and went…and she eventually arrived at 12:45 am having had decided to go to the crew lounge with her friends……the bastard. By the time she got back to the cabin everything was ruined …….and it wasn’t only the rose that had wilted. Anyway, if anyone ever needs help with a proposal please let me know.

So back here in Philadelphia things are going well, slowly, but well and I feel like an old dog having to learn a new trick. But the show is going to be great and it’s been fun to see the CDs again. However, if hosting a show like this has made me feel old then hanging out with CDs Ryan Fitzbutch and Butch Begogerald and Josh Big Texy and Paul Saintly and Brent Boy Band Loyer has made me feel ancient. Their clothes, their underpants, the music they listen to and the words they use make me feel so old and I fit in with this group like Richard Simmons would fit in hosting a cage fighting event.

One thing is extraordinary though, on breaks for rehearsals I call Heidi, call the office or eat a sandwich and take a poo. They don’t. They sit on their eye pads and play a virtual game. They are all — and I mean all — playing it. It’s a virtual world thing where they build a city and buy hotels and have families and I don’t understand what the hell is going on. In My Town, you can buy virtual houses, cars, cappuccinos, computers, lap dances and build a new Carnival HQ. You can dance, undress, giggle, urinate, gamble, crap, smoke a palm tree and spank Judge Judy with a table tennis bat. Currently says Uncle Google about 6.7 million Americans play this game every day. This along with the fact that Ryan Fitzbutch and Butch Begogerald and Josh Big Texy and Paul Saintly and Brent Boy Band Loyer all play this game while I sit Facebooking and blogging to you.

Yes, Hasbro, The Game Show is a new breed of cruise ship entertainment and there is a new breed of cruise directors to host it. They have endless Red Bull-fueled energy, dress like metro sexual pop stars, they kiss other men on the cheek, they use product in their hair, they have teeth sponsored by Colgate and stomachs flatter than a can of Diet Sprite that’s been open for 27 years. They are good looking and confident and at the end of a long day of game show rehearsals while I long for a huge steak and a massive plate of fries they go to the gym to tone up their six packs. They are the future and I am the past and I wish them continuing success………but ……….if one of those metro sexual bastards tries to kiss me again…..they will find it very hard to sit through the next day of the rehearsals with their eyepads sticking out of their manscaped bottoms.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

I know friends of mine who are reading this like my old mate Roger Blum and others will tell me I am missing out on an exhilarating experience. Exhilarating my arse. Going somewhere cold for your holiday is as pointless to me as vegetarian burgers and Kim Kardashian. Faced with the two options, either having fun on board a beautiful cruise ship surrounded by sun, entertainment, brilliant service and wonderful food choices or spending laughable amounts of money catching cold and knocking down trees with your face, there is no bloody contest. Smashed bones, stupid clothes, crusty red cheeks and a huge dollop of snot hanging permanently from your nose. You can achieve that effect by being the shopping trolley collector in a Publix parking lot in Alaska …..in January. The only difference is that the Publix trolley collector doesn’t bore everyone senseless with stories of their black slope accomplishments at Aspen.

I went skiing one time and one time only. It was many years ago with my friends Alan and Alison and my girlfriend of the time who was a brilliant dancer, super fit and had two airbags to cushion her should she fall, which she didn’t because she was brilliant at skiing as well. I wasn’t. I was crap. All I remember is the pain and the agony and the cold and the laughter of others as the fat sod tried to get up after falling over……..again. I hated the snobbery and the ridiculously good looking ski instructors whom unless you had breasts the size of the Alps like my girlfriend had bugger all interest in teaching you anything.

The reason I kept falling over though is not just because I have the balance and poise of Heather Mills…… It’s the ski boot! The first thing you must understand is the ski boot is specifically designed to be as heavy as possible and to ensure that if you fall over…. and you will …………. all the time ……..and your leg will break at its most painful point…. just above the ankle. Men …..The only way to prevent this from happening is to look at photos of Megan Fox’s bottom before you ski so you can cushion the fall with well, I don’t need to go there do I? Let’s just say  it’s like having a third ski pole. As you can see I am a fervent anti-skier. This is partly because ski bores are the second worst of the vacation bore genre (just ahead of people who hate Carnival and write on cruise boards about just how much they hate Carnival even though they have never cruised with us) and partly because I cannot think of a single redeeming feature about snow.

Skiing is not a vacation. A vacation is when you go somewhere warm and relax, eat well, have fun and see interesting places like Europe, on the Carnival Breeze for instance. A cruise vacation is where you enjoy that lovely feeling of just putting on shorts every day and changing into some casual wear at night as you head to the dining room, see a show and have a pint of ThirstyFrog Red and maybe catch a movie. It is not mincing around wearing ridiculously expensive ski wear, eating fondue and spending all day gazing at ambulances ferrying people from the slopes across a picture postcard landscape.

For your next vacation, why don’t you take all your money and set it on fire? Then stand in a refrigerator for a week, beating yourself with a baseball bat until your arms and legs break. And then, after you’ve eaten some melted cheese, dislocate your shoulder — it’s the same process as going skiing. Or alternatively…………… you can sail on the Carnival Breeze.

Time for today’s Q and A…..here we go.

Judith Hodges asked:
Hey John.

My fiancé and I were on the Carnival Splendor and were met with a constant barrage of solicitations and advertisements for Carnival products and services. It gets old fast and it never stops. Royal Caribbean never uses the public speakers to advertise anything and you could learn a lot from them. We didn’t pay $600 to listen to some used car salesman tell me to go to the gift shops 20 times a day!

John says:
Hello Judith Hodges

First of all I hope you enjoyed your cruise and I agree that we as cruise directors do use the PA system to advertise revenue areas as well as shows and events and activities. We are currently evaluating the number of announcements but I can tell you that on a typical day CD’s make around four sales-oriented announcements and none are supposed to last more than three minutes. Believe it or not, many people find the announcements helpful as it supplements what’s included in the Fun Times newsletter. We do monitor the style and length of our cruise directors’ announcements and it is something that we will continue to evaluate. I do hope you both had fun and enjoyed your cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John.

Thanks so much for responding to my question about if you were going to be the CD on Carnival Breeze’s June 3 inaugural cruise. We are psyched and are booking our cruise this week.  We were on the August 14-26 Magic Mediterranean cruise and loved it. Can’t wait to see you, Calvyn and hopefully Ken Byrne.  Also, we are happy you increased the gratuities – it’s about time!

Love and kisses,

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georgie Marino

It is great to hear from you too and I hope you have been reading more about the Carnival Breeze yesterday here and on Facebook. She is going to be a brilliant ship and I can’t wait to show her to you. Please let me know if you need anything.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

John Lennon asked:

I just got off the phone with a very nice lady whom was very helpful…. yet the comment came up to ask or receive a specific question, that going through you was the best way … so here it is.

Carnival values the web site Cruise Critic opinion when it comes to cruising, so why is it Carnival does not do an Official Meet & Mingle? Actually offering a little get together for the cruisers which whom they are trying to get as return guests. As earlier said, I spoke with a very nice person whom said they would set us a section aside for an hour at the Ivory Piano Bar on an upcoming cruise but could do no more than that… no refreshments or appetizers?

So the question is why will Carnival do it for a singles meet and mingle? Put out food, have refreshments, drinks, yet not for a group of individuals whom chat about Carnival every day?  I am not just saying for this upcoming cruise we are going on. Guess you could say I am wondering why Carnival does not do it companywide and I realize from cruising on other cruise lines there needs to be a certain amount of people attending. So now what I do know? Carnival has never truly done me wrong, so I have nothing bad so say and as far as John Heald goes, I have nothing bad to say either, some may like/some may dislike. I will see what happens with this post before passing judgment.

John says:
Hello John Lennon

As you know I won’t usually post any mention of the Cruise Critic boards outside of requests for meet and greets. This decision was made by the many genuine people who go there to get good information and who need help and want someone to hold their hand through various aspects of cruising. I can tell you that I am happy to organise meet and greets but please understand that we don’t offer complimentary drinks or food as Cruise Critic readers book as individuals not as a group. We don’t do this for a singles meet or greet either by the way and I had a standard meet and greet set up on every ship but there were problems with different CC groups wanting different times so we thought it best to arrange on request which we continue to do. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you though and I wish you a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Delingpole asked:

Going on the Dream ship booking is ******. I just found your blog and absolutely love it. My husband and I will have been married 58 years and will celebrate our anniversary on the Carnival Dream on 2/4/12 and I have a huge request John. My husband was in the United States Navy for 29 years and he would love a chance to meet and say hello to the head engineer as Ed, my husband, was the chief engineer on a Navy destroyer. Is this something that can be arranged John, if not I understand but thought I would ask as you seem so willing to help people. Thank you and we are so excited to be on our first-ever cruise.

John says:
Hello Martha Delingpole

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I saw this question yesterday and so I have had the chance to email the chief engineer on the Carnival Dream. His name is Giuseppe Seccia and I have arranged for your husband to meet him on board. Gary, the cruise director, will be making the arrangements and will be in touch while you are on board and you can expect a little something from me and the blog readers to wish you happy anniversary and to thank your husband for his service. I wish you a brilliant time and many more cruises in the future.

Best wishes.

John

Mel Cohen asked:
John –

I am looking at the excursions in Dubrovnik for when we cruise the Carnival Breeze with you and wondered if you can tell me something about the Best of Dubrovnik as far as pax like me with walking challenges. I don’t have to use a wheelchair but my 77-year-old knees don’t allow me the mobility I used to have. Can I do this tour?

John says:
Hello Mel Cohen.

Thanks for getting in touch with me. The Best of Dubrovnik tour is an excellent excursion and our most popular in this beautiful port of call. There is some walking around the old town at the end of the excursion but it is flat and you don’t have to climb the ramparts at all. I have seen many people with walking challenges take this excursion and I have absolutely no problem recommending it to you. I will see you soon and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Lynne Cody asked:
Hi John,

First I would like to say you are a fantastic writer. You are very entertaining and informative. We have sailed with CCL 18 times. Our first sailing with CCL was on the Mardi Gras. What a trip!! There were 20 family members sailing as a group and we still laugh about some of the crazy things that happened on that ship. We will be sailing April 1 on the Carnival Glory. There are six of us sailing in three cabins.  Five of us are Platinum members. This is the first time that I am allowing my 15 year old daughter to take a friend. Her friend is also 15 but has never sailed. I was wondering if I would have a problem taking her friend with us to the past passenger party or any other functions for past guests? Another question (from my mother), this will be “Holy Week,” the week prior to Easter Sunday. Will there be any Easter services held on the ship? Since we disembark on Easter Sunday we were wondering if there would be an Easter Vigil mass Saturday evening. We are very excited to sail in April!

Sincerely,

Lynne C

John says:
Hello Lynne C

Thanks for the kind words and I am so glad you enjoy the blog. First of all let me thank you for your loyalty and I wish you had some photos from your time on the Mardi Gras. How things have changed and I see it was that ship that spurned your amazing loyalty to us and I am very thankful to you for cruising with us so often. You can indeed bring your daughter’s friend, that’s no problem and I will send a note to the ship for you so she can enter the past guest party. The sad news is that I am afraid that we won’t have religious services during Easter as Carnival does not have a religious program at the moment. We will ask the guests if there is someone who wants to hold one and maybe there will be someone on your cruise who will volunteer to lead mass. I wish you all a brilliant time and of course if there is anything I can do to for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Steve Wright asked:

What are the next ships scheduled to get the new 2.0 update and when would the first cruise dates be after those upgrades are completed.

John says:
Hello Steve Wright

Here is the link for you to read when the ships will receive the exciting 2.0 upgrades.

http://www.carnival.com/core/faq.aspx?icid=CC_Header_466#q-1012258

Let me know if you have any questions.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Taylor asked:

I am British like your good self and wondered if Carnival will ever have a ship sail from Southampton or another British port. My wife and I are retired and don’t like to fly these days and so have cruised with Celebrity and three times on the Independence of the Seas. Our friends Norman and Paulette Lawrence who I understand you met on the Carnival Magic said that they had a lovely time and how Carnival was better than other cruises they had been on. We would love to cruise with you so please give me some good news. Thank you John and we enjoy your writing and can see from your humour that you haven’t lost your British roots.

John says:
Hello Simon Taylor

I can understand why you and your wife don’t like to fly. I really wish my parents who are also retired could cruise with me more but the hassle of today’s airports and sometimes long walks to the gate and waiting time means they haven’t cruised with me since the Carnival Splendor sailed out of Dover. I am afraid that I really haven’t heard anything about UK cruises one way or the other but hopefully we will meet one day and enjoy a plate of spotted dick. Please give my best wishes to Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Lynn Adrionous asked:
John,

Very disappointed in your new menu which let’s face it looks as though it was designed by children.  Back to Silversea for us unless you can tell me it’s being changed.

John says:
Hello Lynn Adrionous.

I am sorry to read this and I have to say that while some folks such as yourself don’t appreciate our new menus the vast majority of our guests really like them, particularly given the wide range of different types of food offerd. We are always looking at our menus for guest feedback so your comments are appreciated. It would be wrong of me not to say that comparing the food from Silversea, which advertises itself as a luxury cruise line and charges much more for its cruises, to Carnival’s mass market and brilliantly affordable cruises is like comparing Megan Fox’s bottom with Judge Judy’s or my inner thigh to Johnny Depp’s. But seriously though we are listening to comments both positive and negative and will work hard as always to have choices on our menu that everyone will appreciate.

Best wishes and I truly hope we see you soon.

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on the Carnival Magic first cruise out of Galveston. The reason I am writing is I wanted you to know what a fantastic experience that I had with Carnival’s early saver plan. Our fare has been reduced three times and everything went smooth on the first two adjustments and the third not so smooth. And if it ended there it would have been a just OK experience. I want to commend David, Maria and several other ladies who I’m almost sure their names ended in A for their dedication to customer service. Although it took some time to get straightened out, it was more than I expected. Thanks again to a brilliant staff at Carnival.

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

This is so brilliant. Thank you for taking the time to write about our customer service teams and what they are doing to help. There has been a huge improvement recently and although we still have hard work ahead there is no doubt that Gerry Cahill’s focus on vastly improving our customer service pre- and post-cruise is paying off. Thanks for writing and I hope you had a wonderful time on the Carnival Magic.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and thanks for your continuing support of the blog thingy.

So in just two weeks time I have to head over to the States again starting with a couple of days in Miami and then back to what I love the most, being a cruise director again and as much as I truly enjoy and am proud to be the brand ambassador, it’s cruise directing that remains the part of the job I love the most. I have some special projects to work on before then including re-writing some of the language as it pertains to the life boat drill or safety briefing as we call it today. It needs tightening up, plus I am going to leave room for the CD’s to add, if they wish, a little bit of humour which in 2012 I think there is a place for. It can’t replace the message of course that safety is the most important aspect of the cruise but there is room I believe for a little bit of mirth.

Compared with what we used to say a couple of years ago the drills of 2012 are a lot different. In addition to important information regarding the actual lifeboat drill, there is information about environmental procedures, taking care when walking around a moving ship and much, much more. It always infuriates me when after making announcements that the drill is mandatory that when I look down from the bridge I always see a few people who somehow evaded the drill and are sitting on their balconies with a Fun Ship special and a couldn’t-care-less attitude. We then send the stateroom steward or in some cases security to inform the guests that they must attend. You have no idea how many give the staff a hard time and are really rude, refusing to attend. Anyway, look out for a few changes in the safety briefing and if you have any suggestions please let me know here on the blog thingy.

OK, it’s off to San Francisco we go and the latest update from Stuart the cruise director of the Carnival Spirit which as you know is in dry dock. Stu………over to you.

Day 2 started with the safety briefing to inform the contractors on board of the emergency procedures, like the guests must do every voyage. There were many meetings amongst the CCL management and the supervisors to the contractors to get acquainted and to discuss the projects underway. Much of the work being carried out at this early stage is existing areas being torn down and so there are rubbish piles everywhere. The place looks like a construction zone however anyone who has done a home renovation can relate. As always safety is priority and everyone is wearing personal safety equipment relevant to their job. What is very interesting to see is the female staff who normally wears the white uniforms, wearing coveralls. Admittedly they are not needed, but they look cute nonetheless. We had some really strong heads winds in excess of 50kts while sailing north to San Francisco so the contractors working on the open decks really had their work cut out for them. The busiest location is certainly the new Serenity project where I counted 35 contractors there at once, all working. Unlike me, who was offering shore excursion advice in San Francisco and drinking a café latte.

 

Day 3 — Just after midnight we were very excited to sail under the Golden Gate Bridge as we entered San Francisco. Many team members who have never seen it before were on deck 9 fwd to watch and take photos.  We arrived into the dock at approximately 3am    and I was awoken by a call from the hotel director at 6:30am. He said to get the camera crew ready as the “Green Thunder” water slide was alongside the ship on a crane barge and they were getting ready for the big lift. When I saw it I realized for the first time actually how high this slide is. I am a pure thrill seeker and I am stoked to have this   on board my ship. The crane team had little room for error as the crane lifted the slide onto the highest deck and at times I am sure I was not the only one who thought the ship was going to be too high for the crane. During the lift the ship was still in the water, and     had not been lifted so the ship could not go any lower. An hour later welders were fixing it to the steel deck. Several more lifts had to be made to piece the entire slide together, and now we have the Green Thunder on board, the steepest and fastest waterslide at sea.

Meanwhile, teams of housekeeping staff were busy tearing up the carpets in all the guests corridors, Technicians were pulling apart slot machines, and work was full speed ahead on the Serenity area. We are a floating construction zone of hundreds of specialist    contractors and Carnival Spirit team members stepping up to assist with whatever they can. Later in the day I got the call to make the announcement from the bridge to inform everyone on board about what dry docks are known for — periods of time with no water, electricity, air conditioning, computers or shipboard cell phones. And maybe no flushing  toilets. Reality kicked in when I found myself walking along corridors in darkness lighted only by the emergency strip lighting on the floor. But she is going to look fantastic when all is done. Time for some vegemite.

Thanks mate, another “bonza” report mate and we look forward to more from you soon.

It’s going to be very interesting to see what the atmosphere is like on the Carnival Spirit once she arrives in Australia. Now you may not know many Australians but I do and of course some of the population is made up of British ex-pats including my friend David who for many years worked on the ships with me. David was the ship’s doctor and we worked on the Carnival Triumph and Carnival Glory together and a few years ago he and his wife Susie immigrated to Melbourne, where he is a family doctor. I spoke to David over Christmas and he told me how he loves living in Australia and the thing he loves most about his adopted country is how down to earth it is. “I can even wear flip-flops to work and nobody cares,” he told me. The local attitude that lets him wear them in his surgery where he sees his patients is an example of a country that is so laid back. I have a feeling that we will have to think twice about how we do elegant night. I mean, will the Aussies want to dress up on their cruise vacation? I may be wrong here but I suspect the vast majority will say “No way mate.”

Australia is a dangerous place to live — and not because of the crocodiles, huge poisonous snakes and spiders the size of Rosanne Barr but because once you have been there and seen their way of life you won’t want to leave. Australians bounce when they walk and smile at strangers and say “g’day” on their way to an after work spot of surfing. Also, they have cookers in their kitchens but choose to cook their prawns in the garden. Those of you who may have seen Aussies on board our ships know how much fun they are and imagine then the atmosphere with 2,200 of them on the Carnival Spirit. I am sure it’s going to take the fun level to an even higher setting.

My only concern is……..will we have enough beer on board? And of course watch out for the famous Australian kiss which the Aussies love to give strangers and if you meet an Aussie on Promenade deck they are likely to want to give you the famous Aussie kiss which is like a French kiss…………..except it’s….. “Down under.”

Good night.

Your friend,

John

Anyway, there wasn’t a computer on my desk. There was an old rotary telephone and my files ……that was it. The one good thing, though, was that we had a laugh. We would play tricks on each other that usually involved superglue or condoms that were placed in people’s sandwiches. There was no political correctness, the job got done and we had a laugh doing it. Then I moved to the city of London and it was the same there, hard work but fun. We had a bloke with red hair. We called him Duracell. We had a lady colleague who in fact was a brilliant broker and was already moving up the ranks. Her last name was Collins and this being the eighties meant that Dynasty was on TV so of course we called her Joan. I mean everyone called each other nick names, it was the one thing.

Even the bosses called us by our nick names. If I had been the size I am now I would have been called Fattie or Billy Bunter (a Brit cartoon character) but as I was skinny and had a bent tooth they called me B.O…….which was short for Bottle Opener………..yep, I spent two years working for Lloyds of London with everyone calling me B.O. Work in an office today and everyone is called by their Christian names, even if they are enormous or a ginger. Nicknames were everywhere. My best mate Alan had a girlfriend called Crater Face. This is because she had a face like the surface of the moon and looked like a withered old gargoyle. I called her that, Alan called her that and eventually her friends called her Crater Face as well. It was life and there were no tofu eating high visibility jacket wearing people to say it wasn’t.

Now move forward to 2011 and working in an office it seems is very different. When Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant wrote The Office TV series, which I know you all have in America as well, it showed life in an office but really from what I have seen its nothing like that. Take for example the conversation I heard when I was in CCL’s offices last week. It centered around the two most annoying things that happen in one particular CCL department.

Now it would have been great to hear that Jennifer in accounts has terrible gas and one day she was sitting in her cubicle and her desk chair had wheels on it and she farted so loudly it propelled her into the next cubicle crushing her colleague Dee’s foot. Or that one of the senior beards goes to the toilet but doesn’t shake his gentlemen’s sausage properly and so takes meetings with a wet patch on his pants. Those would have been worthy of a conversation. But the one I heard wasn’t quite like that. The things this group of Carnival shoreside people complained about the most were “talking too loudly on the phone” and “never making coffee.” It got a little better when someone said that one of the ladies would eat smelly food at her desk but that’s it. No tricks, no jokes, no outrageous nick names just coffee, food and talking loudly…….that’s it.

Come on Carnival shoreside employees you can do better than that! To the lady who eats smelly food at her desk, if you are reading this keep doing it but eat that smelly food with your mouth open, making slapping noises and finish with a huge belch. Then put the stinking food container in someone else’s garbage bin.

Carnival has Dress Down Friday and if I was the vice president of human resources I would also make Friday Carnival Office Annoy The Bugger In The Cubicle/Office next to you day.

• Read e-mails out loud in a silly French accent
• Pick your nose and wipe a huge booger on someone’s computer screen
• Buy a whoopee cushion and put it on the senior vice president’s chair
• Come to work in a Royal Caribbean T-shirt
• Take one wheel off their office chair
• Forward unfunny e-mail “jokes” to the entire office
• Stand behind people, reading over their shoulders
• Take your shoes off, put your feet on the desk and file the dry skin of your feet. It works even better if you do this at someone else’s desk
• Make all your calls on speaker phone so the whole office is disturbed
• Take someone’s yogurt from the refrigerator and eat it and put the empty container back in the refrigerator with a post it note attached that says “mmmmmmm”
• If someone steps away from their desk and has left their computer on send an email from their account to the boss saying “Meet me after work in the store cupboard, I want to show you my spreadsheet.”
• Pick a word, one word that must be included in every sentence you say to each other like “bollocks.” As in “Gaynor, I need the summary of accounts for September from the Carnival Magic please bollocks.” Or you can include even more than one word like “Do you want fries with that?” Even Gerry Cahill should get involved because if the rest of the 3,000 shore side folks are doing it so should he. That would be brilliant. Gerry calls Micky Arison. “Hello Micky, I got the message asking for me to present the budget proposals for 2013. I have it all here and ready to show you and ummmm…………..do you want fries with that?”

So come on Carnival office types, let’s make Fridays Fun Fridays. If you’re not reviled by all and sacked by 5 pm………… you will have failed.

Time for today’s Q and A………..here we go.

Steve O Asked:
Dear John (please respond when you have time)

Just wanted to drop you a note with a review of my August 11 Carnival Triumph trip. Yes it was my third this summer BUT it is only a 3.5-hour drive and I LOVE that ship and CREW.  As always VIP Check-In was super. I met Robert O. for a moment prior to heading up to laugh with Dolores. It was the first day of a new computer program and we had more “fun” than usual. Both Dolores and Robert are efficient and lots of fun to deal with. I was on the ship early, waved at guest services and Isabel waved back and said, “Welcome Mr. Owen”….so formal and so nice.

Up to Lido for some lunch (love those burgers). Ran into several members of the crew while chomping on my burger. Had a chat with Maitre d’ “Miss Virgil” (from South Africa) as she was on duty on Lido. She’s a super person John, very good with guests and crew from my observations.

Off to my little 4A cabin on Deck “Z”…..oops, it was only Deck 1 but all the way forward and just perfect for me.

Dinner at 8:15 pm in the London Dining Room with Maitre d’ “Mustafa” (from Turkey)….I told him I’d been in Turkey a long time ago and ask him to guess when…..he said “perhaps in the 1970’s?”………..I laughed and told him when I was in Istanbul it was still called Constantinople ….. well almost, it was on my very first cruise in 1966. Yikes!!

During the voyage I ran into several of the nicest dining room hostesses Carnival has …. Nicoleta (Romania); Natasha (Serbia); Dewi (Indonesia) and Svetlana (Russia).  It was kind of embarrassing when I first ran into each of them………they hugged me and welcomed me back to Carnival.  That is impressive John.  It makes me wonder what I do that causes them to remember me.  Perhaps I sail too often?

Lots of laughs at Tex’s Welcome Show….as I’ve said before, that guy knows how to make people laugh and have fun (with perhaps a “tiny” bit of stealing from you?).  Also saw ACD Charlie…..I start laughing when I see him…..…..he’s got that “British” sense of humour (spelt correctly according to you) and you know I love it.

When I got to my cabin that evening my door had been decorated by the entertainment staff…..a big banner that said, “Welcome Home Steve.” photos of them and their names on heart shaped colored paper…..it took some time to do that.  Is that sweet or what?  They liked it when I told them I had tears in my eyes as I stood there and looked at it.  I carefully removed all of it and brought it home with me.

Even on the little four-night trip I did The Chef’s Table again…..beautifully done by Chef Allan Gomes (India).  There was a family of eight there with four teenagers and, as usual, everything was perfect.  There were even a few plates broken while we were in the Galley (you know I love that).

A highlight of the trip was sitting with ACD Charlie during the performance of Wonderful World. I had teased him about a part of the show a couple of months before and had sent him a special gift to remind him. John, in the middle of the show he leaned over and said, “Do you see your pink parasols on the stage?” Between he and Tex they had worked my “gifts” into the Asian number.  I was floored. It made me tear up.  WOW.

Met another of your fans, Trudy Crowe and her friend Miss Anna.  We had lunch one day, they are really sweet (and lots of laughs).  My tablemates at dinner were just great too….and I hadn’t even requested anything from you (I’m sure THAT was a surprise).

This is too long, as usual, but I want to mention Maitre d’ Victor (Portugal), he is a great guy and so accommodating…..he has had a LONG career at sea and obviously still enjoys it very much.

I guess that’s about it. Debark was smooth, ship was late due to river traffic…..and I was the first guest off the ship….and I wasn’t even trying to be.  All in all, another TERRIFIC voyage on the beautiful Carnival Triumph…..and yes, I am going one more time before I head to Barcelona for the TA.

See you in Galveston on November 13.  I wonder if “transvestite Barney” will be there?  Oh, that’s right, Kye has him in Essex doesn’t she?

Your OLD mate,
Steve O

John Says:
Hello Steve O

That was the most brilliant of ways to start the Q&A session today and I am thrilled to read your report. I know how passionate you are about your cruises and how wonderfully you treat the crew which I thank you so very much for. I will be passing all this onto the staff and the people in the Miami office as well because this is the kind of review that they love to read. Thanks Steve O and I hope it’s not too long before we see each other again. I loved what Tex did for you ……. fantastic.

Best wishes.
John

Maggie Leake Asked:
I want to inform you Mr Heald of an encounter with your customer service team. I called the 1-800-CARNIVAL number because I was thinking of booking a cruise on the Carnival Splendor over Christmas. I asked three basic questions. Is the ship decorated and will Christmas be celebrated for all passengers as I am not a Christian. Then I asked what cabin temperature was as I have allergies and need a certain controlled temperature and then I if soy milk was available at all meals and she told me no. I later found out it is from another forum. It seems that the customer service people you employee have no idea about your product. I have now found your help page Mr Heald and need you to answer the questions quickly and correctly if Carnival does indeed want my business.

John Says:
Hello Maggie Leake

Let’s start by answering your questions and I see you posted this three weeks ago so please accept my apologies for the lateness of the reply. While the ship does indeed celebrate Christmas, we also offer a menorah lighting service for those of the Jewish faith as well. The standard temperature in the cabin is set at 70 degrees but with the individual controls in the staterooms you can bring that down or up as you require. Soy milk is available at all meals and if you can’t find it on Lido deck just ask a waiter and they will bring it to you. I hope this helps and I hope you are able to book and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.
John

John Says:
Chandra

Hello John I would like to know if the Carnival Magic will have a cigar under the stars party during the November 14 cruise which me and my wife will be on with you. I am like you a big cigar smoker.

Thanks John

John Says:
Hello Chandra

There certainly will be a cigars under the stars event and it will be outside on The Lanai. Please keep an eye open for this in the Fun Times and I will look forward to sharing a cigar with you then.

Best wishes and see you soon.
John

Larry Ritchie Asked:
John:

My wife and I are booked on the Carnival Paradise’s Panama Canal cruise Nov 28. I understand why Acapulco port was cancelled and appreciate Carnival keeping both of us safe. Now my question – do you know when Puerto Vallarta, Mexico excursions will be added to the cruise specific excursions under “manage my cruise” for this cruise?

Thank you in advance.

John Says:
Hello Larry Ritchie

I just spoke to the shore excursion department and they told me that some excursions are now on line for PV and the rest should be there by the end of next week. Please let me know if you have any questions and I wish you a wonderful voyage.

Best wishes.
John

Barry W Asked:
My family and I will be cruising on the Dream booking ______ and with me will be my son Jared who is going to be starting his training in the Marine Corps next year. Can you send him a free gift as he will not have the chance to cruise again as a family and will be away from us for the next eight months?

John Says:
Hello Barry W

Please congratulate your son and thank him for the service he is about to give. I will indeed send him something and I wish you all a wonderful cruise this Saturday. I just caught this in time so have fun.

Best wishes to all.
John

Victor Olgen Asked:
Although I do enjoy your blog I wonder if at least once a week you could cut away from the humor and concentrate only on answering questions as I am positive more readers would come your way if they were guaranteed that you would answer their questions. Just a thought.

John Says:
Hello Victor Olgen

Yes you are right, I should try harder with the questions but then I am also worried that there are many readers who enjoy the ship stories more than the Q&A bit in the middle. I answer around 40 a week here but probably 400 a week on Facebook as well so for now I will keep the blog as is. I was actually considering stopping them altogether here. Thanks for saying you enjoy the blog and I hope you will continue to do so.

Best wishes.
John

Margaret King Asked:
Hi, John,

We have a family boat in Barbados that we use for lunch and dinner cruises, and would like talk to cruise lines about adding it as a shore excursion. How do I go about doing that? Please point me in the right direction.

Regards,
Mag

John Says:
Hello Margaret King

Thanks for writing and I have sent this to our shore excursion folks here in Miami and asked them to contact you.

Best wishes
John

Patricia Asked:
We are going to be choosing Carnival for our James J. Ferris High School reunion and will cruise on the Miracle next year. There will be 32 of us and I need to MAKE SURE WE ARE ALL SEATED IN THE SAME SECTION OF THE MAIN DINING HALL. How do I make sure this done??????????? URGENT!!! URGENT!!

John Says:
Hello Patricia Hallstrom

Thanks for booking this wonderful reunion with us and you will all love the Carnival Miracle I am sure. I need to know if you all booked through a travel agent or a PVP or online. If you used an agent or a PVP please collect all the names and cabin numbers together and ask your TA or PVP or call Carnival if you booked on line and simply give them all the names and ask for them to be linked together at dining. They will then do their best to help you and if you write to me here a month before you sail or two weeks before on my Facebook page then I will check with the ship and make sure it’s been done. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Max B Asked:
John,

Does Carnival carry non-alcoholic wines and beer aboard? If so is it a big selection of wine or just one or two brands? BTW, love the blog and Facebook thingies. You make me smile every day! Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Max B

Thanks for the kind words and while we do carry them, it’s not a very wide selection. Thanks again for the nice words and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog thingy.

Best wishes.
John

Valerie A Dunlap Asked:
O.K., odds are that you won’t see this before tonight’s Legends performance, but thought I might “throw it out there”, just in case…  My husband, Keith Dunlap, is playing the “Bruce Springsteen” part tonight… Now, here’s the catch: we just received word yesterday that his father had passed.  Keith wants to do this, partially because he is a local musician, and partially because he knows that his father wanted him to enjoy this vacation, as they talked by phone at every available port moment.  I know that this is totally against the “guy code of ethics and proper conduct,” but he really is a great guy and does deserve an evening of support, love and diversion before we return to the realities of home.  Thank You!

John Says:
Hello Valerie Dunlap

I know this is a month overdue but I just saw this now and I wanted to pass on my sympathies to your husband and all the family. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to be on stage singing and having fun under such difficult circumstances. Thanks for writing; I hope you had a great cruise and once again my sympathies for your terrible loss.

Best wishes to all.
John

That’s all for today. Yesterday the blog passed 12 million views with between 14,000 and 20,000 daily views. Thanks so much everyone and I thank you for your continuing readership and your continuing friendship.

It was interesting reading the comment about the guest services team because I have received so many positive comments about them in recent months that to hear a negative one is somewhat surprising. As we are talking about the office a lot today I should also say this. It is very challenging for the ladies and gents who answer the phones for you to know absolutely everything about what we do onboard and how everything works. While their knowledge is excellent and their desire to help you is remarkable unless you have lived and worked on a ship for at least a few weeks it is impossible to know everything. The same is said for me. I get questions about Early Saver and price drops and I know as much about this as Paris Hilton knows about keeping her legs crossed. That’s why both shoreside and myself have started to work much closer together in an attempt to better serve our guests. We have a huge social media program, the best by many a mile in the cruise industry and indeed I would say the travel industry. Look at Carnival’s Facebook page with over 1 million likes…….that’s incredible. I have 19,000 on my Facebook page and as I said, many thousands of daily views here on the blog thingy. Plus we have Funville and all these online areas give you the guest a chance to ask questions. Plus there is the old fashioned way……yes I guess it is old fashioned these days………of picking up a phone and calling someone.

The brilliant team ashore led by Vice President Vicky Rey is determined to make sure we continue to have the best guest services team in the industry and as I said we are now helping each other. I ask them for help and if one of their team get a shipboard question they don’t know, then they ask me. I must highlight one lady called Mischelle who some of you may have spoken to on the World Wide Web thingy. She has been at Carnival for 20 something years and her knowledge is extraordinary. She is our online community manager and I have to publicly thank her for all her sterling work. So bottom line is that we will continue to work hard for you to get your questions answered as quickly as we can. Please let me know if you have any comments on this.

OK, here is Vance with the official press release on what’s happening on November 13 in Galveston.

Carnival Cruise Lines and Maroon 5 To Rock Texas for Carnival Magic’s U.S. Debut

So as you can see we released the news today about the event in Galveston and let me say straight away how brilliant it is that we are doing this. In days gone past the ship would have arrived at Galveston, a few thousand travel agents would have toured the ship and a few hundred would have stayed the night and seen a show and drank a few vats of wine. Now we are holding this concert with this brilliant band called Maroon 5.

OK, I admit that I know only a few of their songs but when I mentioned it to people — particularly women — they either fainted or started singing a song about Mick Jacking moving house or something. Anyway, hopefully I’ll have the honour of introducing them onto the stage and that means it might be time to get my tight leather pants out of the closet.

Now I know a lot of you want to watch the Carnival Magic sail into Galveston and of course you can and I will confirm the time a few days before. However it will be early, somewhere between 5 am and 6 am which means it will be dark. Why so early I hear you cry? Well there are lots of reasons including traffic in the channel and of course the fact that the ship has to disembark 3,800 guests and then go through various inspections, etc. Then in the afternoon we do have travel agents boarding the ship and a few lucky people who have done the trans-Atlantic and who are staying for that cruise on the 14th. So it’s a busy day.

Now you may have also seen the contest that we launched that will award two people an all expenses paid trip to see the incomparable Maroon 5 in concert. If you didn’t, here is the link to enter and here is the video:

So, exciting times and I really hope some of you can come and join me. And indeed some of you will be able to get tickets and here is Eric the Beard to tell you how and with information on how and where we can all meet.

Hello Bloggy People!

So before I get into how this whole ticket giveaway is going to work, let me share some very important information that you need to know before entering.

The only thing we are giving away here on the blog are tickets to the event. You will need to provide your own transportation to and from the event in Galveston, as well as hotel accommodations if you decide to stay overnight. If you do decide to stay in Galveston, I also recommend that you make reservations ASAP, as hotels are selling out very quickly.

Also, please enter only if you truly plan on attending the event. We have a very limited number of tickets and want to make sure that bloggers who really want to go can go.

Now that that’s out of the way, here is what you need in order to enter this giveaway:

The FIRST 50 BLOGGERS (that’s you!) to leave a comment below this post, with the following information, will receive TWO tickets to the Carnival Magic/Maroon 5 event in Galveston, Texas on November 13th:

• First and Last Name
• Mailing Address (No P.O. Boxes)
• Email
• Why you want to attend the event
• The correct answers to the following two questions: 1) Which is John’s favorite car maker? 2) In which department did John start his career off at Carnival?

Note: You MUST provide all of the above, including the two questions, in order for your submission to be considered.

I will keep all of your information private. Only the names of the winners will be posted, so that all of you can see who the first 50 people are. (Update: I realized a lot of you might not want your names posted publicly either so I’ve decided that no entries will be posted. If you are a winner you will receive an email in the next few days.  Thanks – Eric the Beard)

Again, just to be clear, there will be a total of 50 winners and each winner will receive TWO tickets to the event.

All winners will be contacted via email with further details about the prize, as well as the blogger meet-up that will also be happening on November 13th.

So good luck to all, and may the rest of your day be filled with lots of tofu, eye-gadgets and thick, luscious beards!

Cheers,
Eric the Beard

I hope to see some of you there as I have the true honour of introducing this brilliant band and hanging out with the dudes backstage. I wonder if they have any spare groupies for me.

By the way I have to tell you about my flight back from Freeport to Miami and this was witnessed by Peter the Hair, Jay the Recently Married and my assistant Mel. On my American Eagle plane sitting next to me was a man whose relationship with soap and deodorant was the same as my relationship with tofu and the gym. He was talking on his Eyephone as he boarded and he kept talking on it until the flight attendant threatened to remove him from the plane. He was talking loudly about oil as though he was a sodding Ewing. I am sure it was all an act and he was probably on the phone with his wife getting a bollocking because she found out he had been logging onto www.latvianwomeninsuspenders.com

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

I think I could be a Jerry Bruckheimer and direct a film; I think I could be a door to door salesman, a teacher, a police officer and even a male pole dancer. I even think I could throw a three point shot, write a book and make a crapafrapacino at Starbucks. But I could not be the late great Steve Jobs and design an Eye Phone or fix the port side engine bearings or redistribute the energy from generator 1 to generator 3. And this is why I stand in open mouthed admiration when I meet an engineer — because he can do something that I cannot.

When I build something, it breaks pretty much immediately. I can’t build a fire. Kye gets frustrated because I can’t get any of the toys I buy her out of the tomb they have been packaged in and even when I do, I can’t build them. I can’t hang a picture, and if I use superglue I end up with part of my body fastened to whatever was broken. I have the practical abilities and engineering sense of a stoned hamster………… I am useless.

I still don’t really know how a ship works. I realize that you put oil in the……… ummmm …….. tank. I know that when the captain moves the thruster levers the engines make noise and I know that, somehow, the grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound is converted into movement. But that’s it. And seeing the Carnival Liberty out of the water and looking at all those thrusters and huge propellers and all the other bits makes me admire so very much the people that build our ships and maintain them each and every day.

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Jeff Trautner Asked:
John,

Love your blog.  Love the CD directory/schedule.  I was wondering if there was a schedule available for the maitre d’.  Last year we fell in love with Ken Byrne and as we plan our cruise for next year, knowing which ship he’ll be working may influence our decision.

Thanks,
Jeff & Lanett Trautner

John Says:
Hello Jeff Trautner

I will have the new CD schedule up soon and I really should work on the maitre d’ one as well. Ken is a great guy isn’t he and he returns to the Carnival Magic in a few days time and will be there until March. He then goes on vacation and for the rest of the year he will be with me on the Carnival Breeze in Europe. He is one of a kind and I can understand why you would want to cruise with him. I hope you get your wish and if you have any other questions, please let me know.

Best wishes
John

Sarah Oxfurth Asked:
Hi John!

I have sent two or three questions/comments that have not been responded to in the past six months, so I am sending this a little early to give you ample opportunity and time for me to get back with you.    One question I had sent before was asking if Carnival was going to Alaska in 2013 as my husband and I want to do our five-year anniversary there.  But, at this time, I write for something much more important and immediate.  John, my husband has served the United States as a U.S. Navy Corpsman for the past 18 years.  On January 8, 2012, we are cruising on the Carnival Conquest, with four of our six children (blended family!).  My husband does not know how much I love him, as I am very hard to live with, I’m afraid, and he doesn’t know how much I appreciate what he does.  He has stepped up and helps me raise my two boys from a prior marriage, being more of a father than their own, being their Cub Scouts leader, going to Scout camps with them, taking them fishing, going camping with them/us, taking them to ball games, just being a dad that he didn’t have to be.  So, I was hoping that if I could arrange for him to be recognized or just sent a note from a fellow seaman, he would feel special.  Of course, I will be getting something, though I don’t know what yet, from Bon Voyage, but to know that I went an extra step to tell OTHER people how proud I am of him (as he thinks I never do!), will warm his heart.  Please, John, I am not here to ask for “free stuff.” I just want him to know how proud I am of him.  Getting him on stage, or just saying his name at Welcome Aboard, or a note from the captain, yourself, and/or the cruise director at the time (not sure who as 2012 schedule isn’t out yet), anything at all, would just warm his heart to know that I told someone else how proud I am of him. We will be in two cabins, cabin 6355 and 6353.  While my husband, Kenn, is listed as being in Cabin 6353, I’m sure most of his time will be spent with me in our balcony cabin 6355.

Thank you so much for all you have done for me and my family in the past, as well as all you do for all the Carnival loyalists that know and love you and your humour (spelt correctly).    And thanks to Heidi and Kye for the sacrifices they make so that you can do so, and holding down the Home Front.

John Says:
Hello Sarah Oxfurth

I have been enjoying your questions on Facebook and glad to see you here on the blog as well. Thanks for the service you give and you both must be very proud of the time you give. I am sure that deep down your husband also knows how much you love him and I hope that the cruise that you both along with your family will be taking on the Carnival Conquest will rejuvenate you both and allow you some down time, fun and relaxation. Please can I ask that you drop me a line on Facebook a few days before you sail and I will make sure I send your husband a welcome aboard gift. Thanks again for writing and my apologies it has taken so long for me to reply.

Best wishes.
John

Terry Feelan Asked:
I agree with Dave M on the subject of your crew not speaking good enough English. Case in point was on my cruise last March on the Carnival Freedom. I asked our server for a decaf espresso and made sure he understood I needed decaf. His name was Wayan from some Asian country and obviously his English was not good enough because that night I couldn’t sleep and had severe stomach pains. I have not taken any caffeine products for 8 years until then and obviously my illness and insomnia was because of his mistake which was one of many. I realize that the crew you employee come from third world countries but the basic understanding the demands of the customer must surely be paramount to them being hired? The servers and the crew I encountered on the Freedom were unable to understand me most times and compared to other lines I found them uneducated to the guests needs IMHO.

John Says:
Hello Terry Feelan

Thanks for writing and before I start and before I forget, I do hope that despite your problems that you had fun on your cruise. There are very strict rules set by us and by USCG who state that in an emergency, the crew must have the English speaking skills to help save the lives of our guests and their own lives as well. English, therefore, is the official language on board and all our crew have to reach a certain standard to be able to work for us. I am sorry that the waiter made a mistake and brought you a regular espresso and I hope your stomach pain was not too severe and that you are OK now.

While I apologise for this, I also have to speak frankly on this subject. English is my first language, however, I forced myself to learn as much Dutch as I can so I can speak to Heidi’s family and friends, especially her Mum who does not speak English. I’m so out of practice though that it’s often a struggle to convey simple concepts as “coffee” and “are you OK.” When I speak Dutch to anyone, they have a tendency to slap their thighs, laugh out loud and make sound recordings of my attempts for future entertainment of their friends and family. Dutch is a very hard language to learn. You need half a ton of phlegm in your mouth to pronounce most of the words. Don’t ever stand too close to a Dutch person and enter a conversation with him ………………….. you will be washing spit out of your hair for months. My point, Terry, is this. Speaking a second language is something most of us cannot say we can do yet Wayan who, by the way, is from Indonesia, like all our crew speaks a second language. They may not be able to discuss the economic situation or converse with you about whether President Obama will win a second term but we insist as a company that all our service staff pass a proficient English test before they are allowed to serve in guest areas. Oh yes, one more thing, all our crew speak one other language………………the language of fun………………..and I think they speak that………………fluently.

Best wishes.
John

Dale Morrill Asked:
Hey John-

Love your blog thingy, your humor and your Facebook thingy. Keep up the great work. Just got back from what was my 10th Carnival cruise this past Monday and had a splendid time as usual.  However, I’m concerned about the “comment card” or their lack of. I remember seeing a post about this subject this past fall and you were letting the beards know.  Well since that time, since October 2010, I’ve been on four Carnival cruises and have not received one comment card via email. I’ve checked and double checked my junk email several times. I get email solicitations from Carnival to the email address I log with my fun pass check in. My previous sail dates from those four cruises were 10/9/10, 11/15/10, 3/31/10 and now 8/18/11. My next cruise is booked for 11/13/11. Please let the beards know there is still a big issue with cruisers not getting comment cards via email.  I’d think I’d have good odds getting one out of four cruises in less than a year?

Thanks again for all you do!

John Says:
Hello Dale Morrill

I think you speak for many on this subject, Dale. At the moment, only 40% of guests per cruise will receive an online comment review card. Guests must have checked the “receive further communication from Carnival” box on the booking form but even then you are not guaranteed to get one. I know that this can be a little frustrating but I have to tell you that there are no immediate plans to change this. I do offer all guests my services by asking you to send me your reviews and I will pass them on to the right people on board and shoreside whether it be praise or not. I will pass on your comments and if there is anything I can do for you before you cruise again, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Julie Schuh Asked:
Good evening John,

I am cruising with my son on the Victory on 12/18/11.  We are so excited we will actually be on the ship for Christmas! My question is, do you know if there will be a jazz band on board for that cruise?  My son is 17 and is an up and coming jazz violinist and loves jazz of any kind.  Will he be able to stay in the jazz club/bar with me to listen? On our last cruise (on another line) he got to play with the band, does Carnival ever allow guests to do something like that?

John Says:
Hello Julie Schuh

How brilliant, a jazz violin player. I used to love listening to a chap called Stefan Grapelli who was an amazing player as I am sure your son is. There isn’t a specific jazz trio on the ship but at least once a cruise the orchestra will play a jazz session. May I suggest that your son takes his violin and once you are on board leave a note at the Guest Services Desk marked to the attention of the cruise director?  Mention my name and that your son would like to play with the orchestra and I am sure that we can arrange something. There may be a talent show as well in which he could perform. Please let me know if you need anything else and I wish your son much success in his musical career and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Harley Mann Asked:
I know you get a lot of requests so I hope you get to mine before we cruise! My wife and I will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on 10/22/11. Can you get me a table for two as my wife and I have lots to talk about? My last name is Mann and we are in cabin 1421.

John Says:
Hello Harley Mann

I have asked the maitre d’ on the ship to assist you as best he can with your table request and I wish you both a wonderful cruise and have fun.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Andrea Estes Asked:
Hi John,

I was wondering if you could help me with an issue with my upcoming cruise on the inaugural sailing on the Carnival Magic from Galveston on Nov. 14th.  Several months ago, we originally booked a cabin for four people, my husband, myself and two daughters and were able to get “confirmed” for Your Time Dining.  Last week, we changed from a four person cabin and added a cabin to the booking so that we would just have two people per stateroom.  By doing this, it created a new booking number for the second room (still same amount of people on our booking) so imagine my disappointment when they could not keep that second cabin on “your time dining” because it is now “waitlisted”.  We didn’t add any more people to our reservation; we only added a room to move two people, which created a second booking number.  This is the first cruise for both of my daughters and the customer service w/Carnival is saying there is NOTHING they can do to connect that second booking # to our original # and assign it to “Your Time Dining” even though we already had it confirmed for the four of us. Is there anything that we can do to get both of our booking #’s confirmed for Your Time Dining?  The original booking # is ______, if you can look into this.  Right now as it stands, my husband & 1 daughter have a confirmed standing on your time dining and then myself and my other daughter have been “waitlisted” for Your Time Dining; which in all likelihood means we will be assigned to an early or late dining time.  I could understand this happening if we were ADDING people to our reservation, but since all we did was add a room, still for a reservation of four people (and had to pay Carnival more money in the process), I’m truly disappointed that they could not accommodate our original confirmation of Your Time Dining for the second booking.  Any assistance, recommendations that you can provide is greatly appreciated.  Thanks so much.

John Says:
Hello Andrea Estes

I am going to send this to the maitre d’ so that he has this information on hand and I know he will do all he can to seat you all together if possible. Please don’t worry and just get ready for what will be a brilliant cruise. I will see you there and if you have any other concerns I hope you will let me know.

Best wishes to all.
John

Rachel Dupuch Asked:
Dear John,

I have recently discovered your blog and was reading about the weight issues you have. As someone who has lost 107 pounds in 14 months I can really recommend gastric bypass surgery for people with morbid obesity like you. I had laparoscopic gastric bypass and it has changed my life and you should have it as well. You are obviously important to Carnival Cruise so maybe they will pay for you to have it done. You really should!!

John Says:
Hello Rachel Dupuch

I am so happy for you as losing 107 pounds is simply extraordinary and I wish you health and happiness in the future. I will keep going the old fashioned way by trying not to eat a whole bucket of KFC and walk more. Thanks for thinking of me.

Best wishes.
John

Julie Asked:
Hi John,

My family will be sailing on the Carnival Ecstasy on Jan 30.  We are very much looking forward to this trip but I do have a few concerns and am not sure where to address them to.  So, I am turning to you.  Our son who is 11 has mild autism spectrum disorder.  For all intents and purposes, he generally seems like a typical 11-year-old boy. However there are some situations that he does not have a typical reaction.  My main concern is the muster drill. I am wondering where I can find out just what that will be like. It’s going to be very hard for him to stay in an area with a lot of people crowded together. I have read of some families with special needs children who have been given permission to stay in their cabins during muster, but as he is a very law and order child, there is no way I will be able to convince him that we can do that when he hears the announcements.  We also try very hard to not make his accommodations so obvious.

If you can give me any feedback or advice about this, I would certainly appreciate it.  Our cabin is M165 on the Jan 30th sailing out of Port Canaveral, as I mentioned.

Thanks so much!
Julie

John Says:
Hello Julie

The first thing I don’t want you to do is to worry at all because we can help. I have heard of this concern before from the parents of an autistic child and I helped them as I will help you by arranging a private 10-minute drill with a staff member who will explain and will show you all you need to know on what your family should do in an emergency. As we are a few months away from your cruise, can I ask that you re-post this here on the blog on December 1, or on my Facebook page a week before you sail? Either way, I will be here to help you.

Best wishes.
John

Carlo A Asked:
We wrote a complaint letter to customer service nine days ago and never received any call, any email, anything. We missed the port call of Nassau on our cruise because of a hurricane and never got money back from Carnival but we did on Celebrity when the same thing happened in 2005. No one had the courtesy of writing or talking to us back. I feel that carnival doesn’t need us as customers. Our booking ref is ______

John Says:
Hello Carlo A

I wanted to apologize that following your letter, nobody had contacted you and hopefully by now they have. Obviously, we cannot control the weather and while missing a port is regrettable, it is something that was done for your safety and the safety of the ship. However, I hope that despite the missed port, that you had fun and enjoyed the brilliant service. I will pass on your comments to our shoreside team.

Best wishes.
John

And that’s all for today.

OK, must push on so here is the latest Piano Bar schedule:

Carnival Liberty                      Dry-dock

Carnival Destiny                                 Agustin Villarin                  10/22/11

Carnival Elation                                  Bruce McGhie                   10/22/11

Carnival Triumph                                Ron Pass                              10/24/11

Carnival Magic                                    Jim Morris                           10/28/11

Carnival Splendor                                Mike Smith                         10/30/11

Carnival Paradise                                  Richard Yerkes                  10/31/11

Carnival Imagination                            Angela Johnson                11/04/11

Carnival Fantasy                                   Hrvoje Knezevic               11/28/11

Carnival Inspiration                            Jafar Curry                          12/03/11

Carnival Pride                                     James Quigley                   12/04/11

Carnival Valor                                     Brad Alexander                 12/11/11

Carnival Spirit                                     Keith Turner                       01/06/12

Carnival Miracle                                  Peter Brenner                   01/13/12

Carnival Freedom                               Marty Gast                         01/14/12

Carnival Legend                                 Pollyanna Jones                01/15/12

Carnival Victory                                 Jerry Selix                            01/22/12

Carnival Sensation                              Barry Miller                         01/26/12

Carnival Glory                                    Tom Riccio                           02/26/12

Carnival Dream                                   David Filsinger                   03/03/12

Carnival Conquest                              Larry Maconaghy             03/04/12

Carnival Ecstasy                                 Frank Glenn                       03/22/12

Carnival Fascination                           Milburn Dumas                 03/31/12

As always, my thanks to all those who support these great entertainers and please pass on your comments to me or the President of The Piano Bar Players Fan Club Laura AKA Divetrash as to who rocks and who maybe doesn’t. I hope they all do and, as always, I thank each and every one of the names above for the great entertainment they provide.

I want to say a big hello to all my British blog readers who over the past few years have had a website to check out all things Carnival which was quite simply not very good. But now there is a new and improved version which mirrors the North American website. In fact, I made some introductory videos for Carnival UK and they are also on the site. So my fellow Brits, please have a look at the site and the videos and you can now book your cruises with us using a site that doesn’t make you shout, “Oh, for ***** **** ” or try to use the American site which gets you all the way up to adding your zip code which of course we don’t have in the same format as our friends across the pond. Anyway…..here it is……enjoy.

www.carnivalcruise.co.uk

Bugger me, time flies doesn’t it? It was a year ago that Queen Elizabeth was launched and Her Majesty the Queen christened her namesake. That day was so special for so many people, especially Cunard’s president and our man in London Mr. Peter Shanks. He has written a brilliant blog about the ship’s first year of service and along with a wonderful video gives you a true insight into what has happened during the last 365 days. And, of course, it is written in Peter’s passionate style. So why not go on over to www.wearecunard.com  and join Peter in this very special anniversary celebration.

As I have been saying these past few days, it has been very hot on the Carnival Liberty with what air conditioning there is having the effect as an asthmatic hamster blowing through a straw. So last night, the hotel director Pier decided that we should open the bar on Lido Deck 9 aft which is one of the few areas where no major work is going on. Normally, the crew lounge is down on Deck 0 but as there was a cooler breeze last night, service was moved outside.

So the hard working crew of the Carnival Liberty let their hair down…….well, all except for Pier the HD who as you saw in the photo on the blog yesterday is totally bald and in his white uniform he looks like a roll-on deodorant…. and had a crew party in the disco.

So the music was playing and I decided to go and say hello. As you know, I am not a big fan of parties mainly because of the music and because they make me feel very old. However, last night I decided to do the right thing and make an appearance. So I braved the sounds of Lady Ga Ga and walked the deck shaking hands and saying hello to my fellow crew members.

Many knew me from past new ship deliveries and it was extraordinary how many wanted to have a photo with me…………..I felt very humbled.

I then stood back and watched nature take its course and by that I mean……………….I watched the crew try and form …………ummmmm………….relationships……………..and as they did, I felt so happy that I am out of that game. I was never any good at talking to girls and spent most of my dating years asking girls out and then asking my Mum to wash their vomit off my clothes.

Honestly, the crew is no different to any dance club on a Friday night. Man wants woman …………..woman wants man…………………yet there are two very different ways that they want to be courted………….and there were many different messages coming from the packed aft deck of the Carnival Liberty  last night.

There were a few girls who seemed to be very good at telling the male crew how sexy they are “Check out my bottom in these tight leather jeans. Could be your lucky night.”

Now these female crew members were mostly surrounded by the Italian contractors who are here to build Guy’s Burger Joint and the other new 2.0 areas…

Then there were those male crew who were trying to let the female crew know they could be interested, but were still deciding whether they were worth the effort. These were the ones who kept checking out their hips and trying to squint down their bras…………mostly this was being done again by the ummmm contractors.

But unlike when I was a young stud muffin, it’s not all down to the man to make the first move because these days the ladies seem to have no problem in making the first move. However there is an art form to this and so to all the lady bloggers reading this, here is John Heald’s Guide On How To Pick Up A Man:

First of all, if you are relatively beautiful and he is relatively not, almost any technique will work from a slight smile to the worst chat-up line, “If you were a new burger at Guy’s Burger Joint, you would be McGorgeous.” If you are relatively ugly and he is relatively not, you’re going to have to hope he agrees that personality is more important than looks. And although every man says that’s important, he is actually talking utter bollocks.

However, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to cheat the system. You can rely on alcohol, but I wouldn’t recommend it. While beer goggles can lead to magical nights in strange beds, going home with someone who looks like George Clooney usually has the cold light of day having you waking up next to someone who looks like me…….naked……snoring……and dribbling slightly, dreaming of having gastric bypass surgery.

Anyway, it was great to see the crew have some fun – they certainly deserve it as they are working extra hard to make sure that she is ready for 3,000 guests in just 11 days time.

And finally in this rather hurried blog, I have to mention one more thing. The captain of the Carnival Liberty is Claudio Cupisti who I have not seen since the Carnival Splendor fire. When we reached San Diego after those three long days and nights at sea we were immediately joined by hoards of beards and inspectors and in the hours that followed we never really got to say goodbye and the next day………….I flew home. So seeing Captain Cupisti these past few days on the Carnival Liberty has been very special. We haven’t spoken much about what happened except that both of us said how still, even today, nearly one year after the incident, how everybody wants to still ask questions about it when they see us. I don’t talk about it much, I think I got all my feelings out in the ridiculously long blogs I wrote. But seeing Claudio again after all this time has brought the memories back again and so I want to finish this blog today by thanking him for all he did. He really was a brilliant Master of the Vessel even under the most trying and testing conditions a carnival ship has ever faced. If there is one Captain who deserves to be on the first Ship that has the new Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades………………it’s Captain Claudio Cupisti.

Time for my American Eagle flight.

Gastric Bypass my arse.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John