2 Family Guys

September 5, 2014 -

John Heald -


As this will be my last blog for a while. I wanted to cram in as many questions as I can, so let’s start today with some immediate Q & A. Off we trot (more…)

No Need for Speed

August 26, 2014 -

John Heald -


Stupid, stupid me. Yesterday, after singing “Let it Sodding Go” to Kye for her bedtime song, I asked my wife, Heidi, in a terrible moment of weakness I asked her if she wanted anything brought back from Seattle because I would be getting off the ship to get some essentials – some hemorrhoid gel and cigars. As soon as I said those new words, I knew I was in the s**t. And it was because she wanted me to shop at a place that we don’t have in England even though the advertising states it’s a British store….. yep……I’m talking about Victoria’s Secret, which is about as British as July 4th and grits. Now, whatever my wife wants she will get because I love her ……..except for one thing and that one thing is underwear. (more…)

John Is A Sexist Pig……….. Part 2

August 19, 2014 -

John Heald -


For those who stumbled across my blog by accident while surfing Uncle Google for “I Love Big Fat British Guys Who Blog in a Pair of XXXL Underpants”………..I had better explain the title of today’s musings. (more…)

What’s In Your Wallet?

August 15, 2014 -

John Heald -


It’s hard to think about hurricane season when you are in Alaska and sailing through fjords with lagoon-like waters. Two weeks ago, though, I was talking about hurricanes and storms with one of our newly promoted cruise directors whose bio will be featured in a forthcoming blog. He told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Bertha, which, by the way, was named after one of my Great Aunties who would kiss me on the lips every Christmas before handing me my present that I knew would be a pair of socks. Anyway, back to the young CD I was talking to on the phone and who had called for some advice from me. Oh, by the way……….he called me “Godfather” which resulted in me calling him a wanker. Do you know, when I started with Carnival this young, good-looking, newly promoted CD was only five years old ……………what a total bastard. Godfather, my arse. (more…)

Pirates used to be fun with their wooden legs and shoulder-based parrots and cries of “shiver me timbers.” Say the word “pirate” and you and I see a salty sea dog with gunpowder smoldering in his beard. They would all wear long black or red coats and have a patch over one eye… unless, of course, they were really stupid pirates and have patches over both eyes… sorry…. old cruise ship joke. (more…)

In the old days every crew member from the captain on down were paid in cash. Every two weeks we would go down to stand in line at the paymaster’s office and get our envelopes with our salaries in it. Usually my contained loads of $1 bills, I think the paymaster must have thought I had a lap dancing fetish — and if I find out who told him I will use a blow torch on their nipples. (more…)


April 26, 2013 -

John Heald -


Is it just me or are the words “please” and/or “thank you” being used less and less these days? I have sat here in my underpants and invited my blog readers to ask me questions and to tell me if they need my help and therefore I have to accept how those questions and how those requests are made. But they are such small words to say after all and it’s not like I am asking you to type the Gettysburg Address after asking me for a sodding table for two. Saying “thank you” is easy and I wonder why so many seem not to be able to say it? I was taught by my Mum and Dad that politeness costs nothing and, from an early age, it was drummed into my head that I should say “thank you.” This was OK and I accepted it but I didn’t always like it, especially when it was my birthday as a child when I had to write a thank you letter to everyone who had sent me a present. (more…)

Fat people like me never really think about how fat they are unless they are presented with an economy-class seat or have to buy clothes from a store that doesn’t have the words Big or Mighty in its name. With small people, things are different. They think about their height all the time. This gives them what doctors call SMS…….small man syndrome. At parties, they feel excluded from conversations as they wander around banging their heads on coffee tables. On busy subway trains they feel bullied. And when shopping for clothes, they quickly become fed up with being directed to Baby Gap. This is why a vertically challenged psychic/”professional medium” guest is so upset, that and the fact that I refused him permission to set up in a lounge and hold “readings and contact” sessions. I listened to him, spoke respectfully to him and yet there was no way I was ever going to let him sit in the Ocean Plaza and try and contact the dead. Can you imagine the Fun Times:



September 14, 2012 -

John Heald -


I think the time has come to introduce a solid gold plastic ship on a stick which is presented to those guests who have won an award for being ……well…………..being a bit dense!

After what has happened here with two guests, I think it is something we have to do. (more…)

There is a book called “Women Are from Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that and, judging from what’s happened here on the Carnival Breeze in the last four days, the author of this book was sodding well right. Within hours of the ship sailing from Barcelona on Thursday, a guest from Canada had contacted the guest services desk and had requested immediate debarkation as he and his partner had decided they hated each other. Now, obviously, he had to wait until the following day when we were in Marseilles before he got off the ship as we were at sea. Luckily, we had one open cabin for the night as some guests had missed the ship in Barcelona and would rejoin us in Marseilles and so, after four years of being together, he buggered off back to Toronto leaving his partner on her own to cruise without him for 11 days. What a true shame. (more…)

Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved