MADE IN INDONESIA

August 26, 2013 -

John Heald -

52 Comments

 We serve of them on average of 600 portions each cruise here on the Carnival Legend and their popularity keeps on rising. There was a public outcry when due to droughts in Indonesia, we could not source them. Yep, we are of course talking about snails or to give them their posh name…….escargots. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please, Mrs. God, don’t let me come back as a snail – what a miserable life they lead. You spend your life trying to avoid being swallowed by a bird, crushed underfoot into a shell/slime soufflé or boiled alive, smothered with garlic butter and devoured by Mr. and Mrs. Seaugo in the dining room of a Carnival ship. Regardless, it seems you love them and here is a photo of Sid the Snail and his mates as taken by Mr. Radu. (more…)

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICESSent: Wednesday, June 26, 2013 10:54 PM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTORCc: LEGEND ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Subject: Comment about Karaoke

Good evening John, I spoke with two guests this evening about karaoke. They are saying that the _____ group of guests is taking over and that others don’t have the chance to sing. Can you look into this please?

 

Kind regards,

 

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines

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A STAND UP BLOG

June 26, 2013 -

John Heald -

31 Comments

I haven’t had much chance to write about my recent trip to Galveston to see the new and shiny Carnival Triumph. The flight from London seemed to go on forever and the 10 hours felt like so much more. And when we landed in Houston, I was tired, cramped and seriously grumpy. Anyway, I had listened to the flight attendant warn us that we must not use our cell phones until we were off the plane and off I ran with the other 300 passengers toward United States Customs and Border Protection. I reached the hall where this was taking place and swore immediately under my breath as the lines were exactly as they were in Miami…….long…… “Oh FFS,” I said. So I took my place wondering if I smelled as badly as the chap in front of me and started the long shuffle toward the inspectors. (more…)

 So there I was, chatting with a stunning girl from Latvia with huge breasts………hers, not mine, of course. She seems keen on getting together with me but says she can’t fly to join me on the Carnival Legend unless I send some money for the ticket. So I do. And then, shock horror, I never hear from her again. Obviously, this is not a true story. Honestly Heidi, it isn’t……..well, most of it anyway. But I write this because it does happen and yet very few people will ever report it. “Hello, Mr Police Officer, I’m a 48-year-old fat and ugly cruise director. My teeth are bent, my hair is grey and I’ve been ripped off by a stunningly sexy Latvian who said she found me attractive and wanted to fly to the Carnival Legend and act out chapter five of 50 Shades of Grey with me………in a lifeboat.” (more…)

Last week Eric the Beard launched a contest on my blog to for you to submit a slogan for the T-shirt for Bloggers Cruise 6. Now, I know that the prize was a fantastic cruise for two on BC6 right here on the Carnival Breeze, but I was shocked that 260 of you entered. And while that is wonderful and somewhat humbling to see, I am bemused even more by something and that something is why would anyone truly want a T-shirt with my name or picture on it? Obviously, putting your face or name on a T-shirt is OK if you are a superstar like LeBron James, Justin Beaver or Captain James T. Kirk …….but me …….. I am confused.

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HORSES, WILLIES AND BEEPS

August 31, 2012 -

John Heald -

36 Comments

There are some who would say that they resent being told what to do in the world we live in today. Don’t smoke, don’t eat too much salt, no right turn, keep your dog on a leash, correct change only, hold the handrail, watch your step, mind your head, don’t throw bulky objects into the toilet…… it is absolutely true that you can spend an entire day feeling scolded. Get off a plane and the flight attendant’s voice is nagging over the loudspeakers: “Remember to take all personal belongings with you.” My car bollocks me with a nagging, irritating alarm that dings loudly if I don’t fasten my seatbelt the second that I have switched on the engine. I have mentioned before about things that beep and how that beep is yet another way to tell me what to do……..and the worst of all is that bloody dishwasher. When it’s finished washing the mugs and plates, it makes a beeping noise. And if I don’t empty it immediately, it beeps again. And then again. How stupid is that?

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FAT CHANCE

February 20, 2012 -

John Heald -

64 Comments

Yep, it’s that time again when I am going to talk about me being fat. It’s not something I want to do but the fact that I am blubbery has been pushed in my face like a silent movie cream pie fight ………..that I have no choice.

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I love basketball but honestly I put baseball into the same category as synchronised swimming and find it as exciting as watching paint dry. But having been here in Philly the day after the team whose name I can’t remember won the baseball world championship and being around the restaurants here it seems that baseball is still the subject of mass conversation. The other thing that they talk about is the Philly cheese steak sandwich and who serves the best.

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HIP HOP, RUMPY PUMPY AND A NEW YEAR OF FUN

December 29, 2011 -

John Heald -

64 Comments

There was bugger all on television last night so I spent the evening using Heidi’s Eye Pad to answer yet more questions on Facebook. Kye was fast asleep and so was Breeze. Kye was dreaming of Peppa Pig and Breeze was dreaming of ignoring the carefully laid out newspaper and instead taking a dump in my slipper. Yes, I wear slippers. So Heidi was flicking through the TV channels and ended up watching Fatal Attraction which is a prime example of what I hate most in movies…………..badly written and badly performed rumpy pumpy.

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FIGHTING TALK

December 14, 2011 -

John Heald -

36 Comments

Some parents I know see Christmas as a chance to show off their child’s creative skills and have them making cute, homemade cards from sometime in mid July. And there are others who think that standing over a child with a glitter pen for three hours when they sell perfectly good v alue packs of cards at JC Penney is three hours wasted. Heidi has been unwell with a cold and last night gave me the job of sitting down with Kye and having her draw a snowman card for her teacher Mrs. Wilkinson. Well unfortunately Peppa the sodding Pig was on TV and when I suggested to Kye that she come and make a card with Dadda she basically told me to bugger off. OK, she’s two and a half years old so she didn’t actually tell me to bugger off but she did say “silly Dadda pig” which basically is the same thing. I knew then that when Heidi came down stairs from her nap that I would be in for a bollocking and Dad’s you may find yourself in the same predicament. But please don’t despair, do as I did. Simply tie your right hand behind your back and draw a rubbish snowman with your left hand. It’s amazingly authentic. Plus everyone will say what an incredible artist your kid is for a two year-old. Job done.

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