So there I was, chatting with a stunning girl from Latvia with huge breasts………hers, not mine, of course. She seems keen on getting together with me but says she can’t fly to join me on the Carnival Legend unless I send some money for the ticket. So I do. And then, shock horror, I never hear from her again. Obviously, this is not a true story. Honestly Heidi, it isn’t……..well, most of it anyway. But I write this because it does happen and yet very few people will ever report it. “Hello, Mr Police Officer, I’m a 48-year-old fat and ugly cruise director. My teeth are bent, my hair is grey and I’ve been ripped off by a stunningly sexy Latvian who said she found me attractive and wanted to fly to the Carnival Legend and act out chapter five of 50 Shades of Grey with me………in a lifeboat.” (more…)
September 24, 2012 -
John Heald -
Last week Eric the Beard launched a contest on my blog to for you to submit a slogan for the T-shirt for Bloggers Cruise 6. Now, I know that the prize was a fantastic cruise for two on BC6 right here on the Carnival Breeze, but I was shocked that 260 of you entered. And while that is wonderful and somewhat humbling to see, I am bemused even more by something and that something is why would anyone truly want a T-shirt with my name or picture on it? Obviously, putting your face or name on a T-shirt is OK if you are a superstar like LeBron James, Justin Beaver or Captain James T. Kirk …….but me …….. I am confused.
There are some who would say that they resent being told what to do in the world we live in today. Don’t smoke, don’t eat too much salt, no right turn, keep your dog on a leash, correct change only, hold the handrail, watch your step, mind your head, don’t throw bulky objects into the toilet…… it is absolutely true that you can spend an entire day feeling scolded. Get off a plane and the flight attendant’s voice is nagging over the loudspeakers: “Remember to take all personal belongings with you.” My car bollocks me with a nagging, irritating alarm that dings loudly if I don’t fasten my seatbelt the second that I have switched on the engine. I have mentioned before about things that beep and how that beep is yet another way to tell me what to do……..and the worst of all is that bloody dishwasher. When it’s finished washing the mugs and plates, it makes a beeping noise. And if I don’t empty it immediately, it beeps again. And then again. How stupid is that?
Yep, it’s that time again when I am going to talk about me being fat. It’s not something I want to do but the fact that I am blubbery has been pushed in my face like a silent movie cream pie fight ………..that I have no choice.
I love basketball but honestly I put baseball into the same category as synchronised swimming and find it as exciting as watching paint dry. But having been here in Philly the day after the team whose name I can’t remember won the baseball world championship and being around the restaurants here it seems that baseball is still the subject of mass conversation. The other thing that they talk about is the Philly cheese steak sandwich and who serves the best.
There was bugger all on television last night so I spent the evening using Heidi’s Eye Pad to answer yet more questions on Facebook. Kye was fast asleep and so was Breeze. Kye was dreaming of Peppa Pig and Breeze was dreaming of ignoring the carefully laid out newspaper and instead taking a dump in my slipper. Yes, I wear slippers. So Heidi was flicking through the TV channels and ended up watching Fatal Attraction which is a prime example of what I hate most in movies…………..badly written and badly performed rumpy pumpy.
Some parents I know see Christmas as a chance to show off their child’s creative skills and have them making cute, homemade cards from sometime in mid July. And there are others who think that standing over a child with a glitter pen for three hours when they sell perfectly good v alue packs of cards at JC Penney is three hours wasted. Heidi has been unwell with a cold and last night gave me the job of sitting down with Kye and having her draw a snowman card for her teacher Mrs. Wilkinson. Well unfortunately Peppa the sodding Pig was on TV and when I suggested to Kye that she come and make a card with Dadda she basically told me to bugger off. OK, she’s two and a half years old so she didn’t actually tell me to bugger off but she did say “silly Dadda pig” which basically is the same thing. I knew then that when Heidi came down stairs from her nap that I would be in for a bollocking and Dad’s you may find yourself in the same predicament. But please don’t despair, do as I did. Simply tie your right hand behind your back and draw a rubbish snowman with your left hand. It’s amazingly authentic. Plus everyone will say what an incredible artist your kid is for a two year-old. Job done.
I have a friend who works for Carnival on the ships who is very short. He’s not a little person but he often bangs his head on coffee tables and has to sit on the front row of the cinema so he can see the film. Being short he obviously has a bad temper as that’s the law and he cannot play basketball very well. If you’re small, it doesn’t matter whether you’re rich, poor, British, American or French, you will be consumed with a sense that people aren’t just physically looking down on you, but mentally as well. This will make you permanently angry, and equipped with a chip so large you could be mistaken for a bag of family sized Doritos.
Please note today’s blog will on several occasions feature the word plonker. Here is the definition — British origin… Means “thingy,” used as a derogatory term or an idiot, but also often used affectionately. I hear it morning noon and night. That sodding glockenspiel riff that goes “tum, tum-ti tum tum, tum-ti tum-ti tum tum.” It’s the theme tune to my daughter’s favourite program, the replacement to Barney who has been discarded like a pair of soiled underpants and I may as well get used to it because it’s going to be ringing in my ears for the foreseeable future……I am talking of course about Peppa Pig. I hated Barney and I hate Peppa Pig even more and want to serve her up with some apple sauce and some crispy roasted potatoes.
When I was talking to James Charlton about being the cruise director on the Carnival Magic’s trans-Atlantic crossing I went through with him all the different things that I had learned during the three crossings I have done as CD. Things like you can never have too much trivia be as visible as you can and be ready to meet the one or two very cranky people who should in all retrospect be wearing T-shirts that shout loudly “Born To Moan.” That’s because while 95% of the guests will have the most wonderful time, ask any crew member who has done a crossing and they will tell you that they do tend to bring out one or two grumpy buggers. But so far, James has reported as has Calvyn that things are going well. Yes there have been the usual comments as Calvyn will report shortly plus the usual one about the lack of TV in the middle of the Atlantic. But overall it sounds like the majority of the guests are all having a great time.