2 Family Guys

September 5, 2014 -

John Heald -

73 Comments

As this will be my last blog for a while. I wanted to cram in as many questions as I can, so let’s start today with some immediate Q & A. Off we trot (more…)

No Need for Speed

August 26, 2014 -

John Heald -

57 Comments

Stupid, stupid me. Yesterday, after singing “Let it Sodding Go” to Kye for her bedtime song, I asked my wife, Heidi, in a terrible moment of weakness I asked her if she wanted anything brought back from Seattle because I would be getting off the ship to get some essentials – some hemorrhoid gel and cigars. As soon as I said those new words, I knew I was in the s**t. And it was because she wanted me to shop at a place that we don’t have in England even though the advertising states it’s a British store….. yep……I’m talking about Victoria’s Secret, which is about as British as July 4th and grits. Now, whatever my wife wants she will get because I love her ……..except for one thing and that one thing is underwear. (more…)

In the old days every crew member from the captain on down were paid in cash. Every two weeks we would go down to stand in line at the paymaster’s office and get our envelopes with our salaries in it. Usually my contained loads of $1 bills, I think the paymaster must have thought I had a lap dancing fetish — and if I find out who told him I will use a blow torch on their nipples. (more…)

It’s quite comical, really. You see, Carnival Legend has, these past few weeks, docked in ports we have never been to before such as Oslo, Edinburgh, Belfast, Reykjavik and others. In all of these ports, we have been met with wonderful hospitality and upon arrival and departure, there have been locals who have come to see the famous “whale tale” that is Carnival Cruise Lines. But here is the comical bit. Every time I spoke to our ship’s agent or some local people or the local entertainers and mentioned how nice it was to see people coming to take photos of the ship, they all said the same thing: “You should have seen it when the Queen Mary 2 was here, hundreds, maybe thousands, came to see the ship!”

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GAME OF MOANS

September 3, 2013 -

John Heald -

30 Comments

These days, most TV game shows like Who Wants to be a Millionaire or Jeopardy tend to have celebrity versions where Z-list celebrities are people who came 28th on American Idol or have been in a soap opera or a reality show with Mr. Trump or who starred in a rumpy pumpy tape that their boyfriend filmed without their knowledge. Instead of us watching regular members of the public on a TV game show, sweating nervously as they try to win enough money for a Carnival cruise or a new car or to buy a bigger thingy, we have a celebrity who most of us have never heard of trying to win lots of money for the charities that often involve donkeys or the protection of a rare bird that has been sighted off the coast of Michigan. (more…)

MADE IN INDONESIA

August 26, 2013 -

John Heald -

52 Comments

 We serve of them on average of 600 portions each cruise here on the Carnival Legend and their popularity keeps on rising. There was a public outcry when due to droughts in Indonesia, we could not source them. Yep, we are of course talking about snails or to give them their posh name…….escargots. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please, Mrs. God, don’t let me come back as a snail – what a miserable life they lead. You spend your life trying to avoid being swallowed by a bird, crushed underfoot into a shell/slime soufflé or boiled alive, smothered with garlic butter and devoured by Mr. and Mrs. Seaugo in the dining room of a Carnival ship. Regardless, it seems you love them and here is a photo of Sid the Snail and his mates as taken by Mr. Radu. (more…)

HALF MOON CAY AND THE NEWS

February 19, 2013 -

John Heald -

27 Comments

Many years ago when Heidi and I first met and when we thought about nothing but rumpy pumpy and traveling we flew to the other side of the world to have rumpy pumpy in a place that the brochure called a “paradise.” It wasn’t. It was one of those destinations where everyone — from the airport staff to the taxi driver — gave us a necklace of flowers so that by the time I arrived at the hotel I smelt like the perfume counter at Macy’s and was walking like the hunchback of sodding Notre Dame. (more…)

THEY WERE READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL

February 5, 2013 -

John Heald -

5 Comments

Across the fleet hundreds of guests enjoyed the spectacle that is the Super Bowl. Here are two reports from the Carnival Inspiration and first from Carnival Breeze as written by Cruise Director Butch Begovich. (more…)

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