Piano Bar Schedule with Bond, James Bond

November 3, 2015 -

John Heald -


Tonight, I shall head to the cinema — or the “pictures,” as we used to say back when I snuck into naughty films such as Kentucky Fried Movie. I am going to see the new Bond movie “Spectre” and this may be the last time I ever pay to see a movie from what used to be the greatest franchise of all time. The last two Bond movies have been, in my opinion, absolute rubbish. They were so far removed from the Bond movies that I grew up on that I am quite nervous about heading out to see this new one and will know in the first few minutes of the movie if it is going to be exciting, a true homage to the genre or as exciting as watching a yak called Dave hump a yak called Sally with Kenny G music playing in the background. Spectre will hopefully start with a bit of random killing before we find Bond in bed with a girl who he had met a few minutes earlier. Hearing his Omega watch go beep which meant his Queen and country needed him, he will leap from under the sheets, look at the long-legged beauty with no name and say, “My darling, you were amazing last night. But I am James Bond and I must go now because I have to blow up an oil rig before returning to have rumpy pumpy with your sister.”


Start Your Journey

October 13, 2015 -

John Heald -


Good morning from the Carnival Dream and today on our Carnival Journeys cruise, where the ship sits in the harbour of St. Martin or indeed St. Maarten. Yep, you visit this island on your cruise and you will buy one…..get one free. St. Martin happens to be the smallest island on the planet that’s shared by two countries. Two-thirds is called Saint Martin and is in the French Caribbean — all sophistication, fine dining, fashion boutiques and rudeness; and one-third is called Sint Maarten, in the Dutch Antilles — with faster food, noisier nightlife and hair braiding. (more…)


September 15, 2015 -

John Heald -


Last week, I was in Italy exploring your Carnival Vista and there will be lots of video of my time there coming very soon. I was accompanied by our President Christine Duffy and we spent time on and off camera talking about all the brilliant features that your new ship will have. There are so many features on the ship that are brand new that I am sure will be jaw dropping when you read about them. (more…)

So it would be silly for me not to start today’s blog and mention what happened on the Carnival Liberty. First of all, I would like to thank each and every guest for their patience and understanding and thank those who were on the ship at the time of the fire for listening to the ship’s commands to calmly make their way onto the pier in St. Thomas. A big thank you also must go to the crew for their outstanding efforts over the past few days. I am sure you will have read on my Facebook page the comments from guests on the ship who saluted Carnival for the full refund, the 50 percent future cruise discount and the $150 onboard credit we gave each and every guest. This praise was echoed by hundreds of people on Facebook as well. (more…)

On October 4, I will board the Carnival Dream to host the first of many Carnival Journeys voyages which are selling very well, I am happy to say. For those of you who are not aware of what “Carnival Journeys” cruises are all about, let me quickly tell you. They are longer-length voyages that will feature special entertainment both local to the ports of call and entertainment designed by Carnival. These cruises will also have lots of features such as interaction with the captain and department heads, local cuisine and, of course, the much anticipated flashback to 1987 day, of which I shall speak more of in a moment. (more…)

I have decided that there’s no sodding point to chefs like Gordon Ramsey and his mates on the Food Channel. Every night, someone in a white outfit with their names stitched across it comes on the television to explain how to make a fois gras sauce for your breast of duck and how chili peppers go very well with strawberries. But I’m afraid Gordon, Emeril, Jamie, Marco, Bobby, Anthony and the countless others I’ve forgotten are wasting their breath because we all know that what we want is bacon and fried eggs.


My mate, Danny, has an electric car. It’s called the Nissan Look At Me, I Am Greener Than Shrek’s Scrotum and, after being fully charged, it can drive for an astonishing 80 miles before you have to pull over and plug it in again. While I know Al Gore would grow a third leg if we all drove electric cars, I still love the sound of a growling V8. You see, for all the benefits of an electric car, one of the drawbacks is that it makes less noise than a dead yak. And this got me thinking. I am sure, as I sit here writing this in my underpants, that there are very clever men and women who are locked away in laboratories trying to perfect planes that are silent and can fly over populated areas without so much as a whisper. If then they do perfect silent propulsion, I hope we can put it to some use on our ships. (more…)

Can You Enjoy A Steak In Jeans?

August 18, 2015 -

John Heald -


So here I am back home again after two weeks of meetings with the beards and some very funny videos that we will have for you soon……at least I think they’re funny. I hope you will do, too. Kye is still on her summer holidays and I have been reading the newsletter (sent in an e-mail obviously) from her school listing the lessons she will be enjoying this fall term now she is six years old. Math, English, art, sports, sex education, music……..hold on ………. what?!…..sex education?! Yep, it’s true. I read it again and there it was in black and sodding white……..this year, they teach my daughter “a basic understanding” of where babies come from and learn “the correct names for parts of the body.” Oh, FFS!………..how ridiculous. Look, I know I am old fashioned but this is outrageous. (more…)

You will have seen that Carnival is rolling out our new Internet programs thick and fast across the fleet. This will be followed by the popular Hub app that is now on Carnival Breeze, next on Carnival Sunshine and by year’s end, on even more ships. These are more ways to connect with people in the cabin next to you or family who are hundreds or more miles away. “Hooray” many of you will say but I would expect there to be some “boos,” as well.



August 3, 2015 -

John Heald -


We start today with this comment:

Robert Lang
I have always felt that after tip night, we were treated like second class citizens and made to feel like you no longer matter and the way you are pushed off the ship by the endless announcements is degrading to me. My cabin steward could not wait to get us off the ship. He knocked on our door TWICE!!

Thanks, Robert, and although I absolutely disagree with your suggestion that service from our brilliant crew diminishes on the last night, I can sort of understand what you mean by the announcements and the whole debarkation process…………..oh, by the way, the gratuities you so graciously leave our crew via your Sail & Sign card are not paid on the last night of the cruise but collected by the crew two days after the cruise is over.


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