When showering I do so using one of those sponge loofah puffy things. Yes, I know that some tofu eaters out there will say that these are not hygienic and that I should use disposable wipes like my wife does but bollocks to that. I use a puff in the shower and that leads me nicely to Calvyn. You see, after I had already been back for a couple of days, he casually mentioned that while I was away he’d been showering in my bathroom and, of course, used my loofah sponge thingy to wash himself (I can only imagine where). This basically means that during the last few showers I’ve taken, I’ve been smearing my face with the slime and the dead skin cells from Calvyn’s armpits and other unmentionable places. There is no way I am using it anymore. It’s useless, and I am throwing it into the garbage …..and I might do the same with the loofah puff thingy.

Time for some Q and A – here we go.

Edward Puddick asked:
John,

We enjoy a good comedy show and certainly are not prudes but the language and subject matter used by comedians _____ and ______ on the cruise we took on the Carnival Imagination was disgusting and my partner and I and other passengers walked out. I am sure Carnival would pack the place if they did more family PG-rated shows and axed the X-rated shows.

John says:
Hello Edward Puddick,

Thanks so much for the post and I hope you both had a great cruise and this is an interesting point indeed. Currently we have two family and three adult shows in the Punchliner Comedy Club and have found this to be a good balance. Certainly, the adult shows are clearly marked as “uncensored” in the Fun Times and the host will mention this repeatedly on the microphone. I say this because we do give our comedians license to use material and language that comes with that uncensored rating and I apologise that it offended you. You do raise an interesting point so I am going to discuss this on Facebook and see if others agree. Thanks again and I do hope you had a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Duckworth asked:
Hey John,

There was a comment on your blog today that wanted you to ensure that there would be no smokers in the balconies on either side of a particular stateroom. I know that request is impossible. However, it is annoying to be on your balcony and have to breathe in smoke from another balcony. I am certainly not going to say that it has ever ruined my cruise like some may suggest, but it has caused me to go back into my room instead of relaxing on my balcony. I know Carnival has made several changes to the smoking policy over the last year which has greatly restricted a smoker’s ability to smoke, so I will not ask Carnival to ban smoking from balconies. However, has Carnival ever considered allowing smoking from balconies only on one side of the ship, be it port or starboard? By restricting smoking to one side of the ship, everyone could book whichever preference they have.

John says:
Hello Paul Duckworth,

I understand your point, of course, that as a non-smoker you are concerned that when you are enjoying the delights of your balcony that someone on either side is smoking. Unfortunately, neither Carnival nor any other cruise line has a policy where smoking is permitted only on one side of the ship on balconies. They have a blanket no smoking policy or allow it on all balconies. The policy at Carnival is that we allow smoking and, again, while we have restricted smoking considerably in recent times, it is still extremely difficult to appease everyone. Thanks, Paul, and please let me know if you have a follow up question.

Best wishes.

John

Robert Brunskill asked:

I am part of a Cruise Critic roll call on the Dream for the September 1, 2012, cruise and we have a large group of people who have joined. We are in the planning stages of a meet and greet and I was shocked to discover that Carnival does nothing for Cruise Critic groups. No munchies, door prizes or visits from the captain or ship tours even. Does Carnival not care because you would think that having 100-plus in our group should count for some VIP treatment but we are getting zip. Can you explain why?

John says:
Hello Robert Brunskill,

First of all, I want to thank you and everyone who has booked to cruise on the beautiful Carnival Dream and I know you will all have a brilliant time. I have answered this question many times before but the simple fact is that while we will organise a room for new friends to meet and have it listed in the Fun Times, Carnival does not offer anything further. Now I have sent some trophies for prize giving when asked but that is, I am afraid, all we can offer. I wish you all a fantastic time and hope that the people you have spoken with online will become great friends.

Best wishes.

John

Darrell Lalonde asked:
Hi John,

I enjoy receiving your blogs and enjoy your sense of humour. I did not get to meet you personally last year while I was on the Carnival Magic on the June 3, 2011, Mediterranean cruise but found you very entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed my cruise on the Carnival Magic and the itinerary was amazing as was the ship. I have sailed on eight Carnival cruises thus far (my first cruise being on the Carnivale back in 1981) and find the ships getting better and better. I do have to ask you a question regarding the lack of an Empress deck on board the new Carnival Magic. The original ship Carnivale was once called the Empress of Britain and belonged to the Canadian Pacific Company which throughout its history provided ships, trains and eventually airplane service throughout Canada and the world. All of their ships were named Empress of (various countries and cities) and eventually so were their aircraft. Being a Canadian familiar with this name, it was quite obvious that the original Carnival Cruise Lines logo was based on the original CP logo (except with red and blue colours) and is still virtually the same today. I am also an airline employee and worked with Canadian Airlines (formerly called CPAIR and Canadian Pacific) prior to that.

The executive class was called Empress Class and I was a little saddened to see that the Empress deck no longer existed on board as I felt that the history behind your great company had been abandoned. Canadian Pacific ships provided worldwide service and had a wonderful reputation. When the ships stopped sailing and Carnival got involved, it was wonderful that the name of Empress continued to live on with Carnival and continued on with all of its ships thereafter. My cruise was not ruined in anyway by not seeing the name Empress Deck as I mentioned, I felt like a bit of history was lost. I know that things change but I think the world is going full circle and wanting to return to the good old days or back to its roots. I personally am crazy for all vintage travel-related items and wished I had been around in the early part of the century to experience travel in its heyday. On another note, I once sailed on the Jubilee and loved the buffet on the Lido Deck was called the Funnel Room. It was so cool as all the pillars were wrapped in what looked like original smoke stacks from old vintage steam lines. Even the tables were covered with decoupage vintage luggage tags, old ship schedules etc. It was very cool. I appreciate your time and just wanted to let you know about the Empress name.

Thank you,

Darrell Lalonde

John says:
Hello Darrell Lalonde,

What a fantastic post and for someone who has memories of the Mardi Gras, I know how proud you are of the Empress name. We still call Deck 7 on all the ships (I think it’s all) Empress Deck and even though we may not display the name anymore, all the crew know Deck 7 is Empress Deck. I had no idea where the name comes from so this was a real lesson for me which I thank you kindly for. I hope we sail together one day and do actually find time to meet as I am sure we would have lots to chat about. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and thanks again for this wonderful history lesson.

Best wishes.

John

Shirley Blackmore asked:

I have a daughter called Megan that works in the spa on the Carnival Destiny. She is from South Africa and I will not get to see her for eight months and miss her very much. I read that you send people presents so can you send her something from me and tell her I miss her terribly.

John says:
Hello Shirley Blackmore,

I know what it’s like to miss someone but rest assured your daughter is in good hands and I am sure she is loving her time on board. I have arranged today for a little treat to be sent to her from you and I included the following note:

Hello Megan

I miss you and love you very much and am very proud of you.

Mum
X

Hope that’s OK. Best wishes.

John

Tammey asked:

I just have a quick question. John have you had any updates on what the new requirements may be for past guests? After this cruise I am just three cruises away from VIP and I would love to be able to get there and be able to share with my clients how well VIP check-in goes. Thanks and I really enjoy your blog and Facebook comments….have a wonderful day

John says:
Hello Tammey,

It’s been a long time coming but we are very close from announcing the details of our new program and we will reveal all then. Thanks so much for your loyalty and I thank you so very much for your kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Laurie asked:

My husband and I went on our first cruise last summer. I’m hooked I loved it so much that my best friend and I have booked one in early July to Cozumel. She moved away many years ago we are celebrating being 50 and wonderful. No husbands allowed on this — it’s just for us girls. Celebrating both of us also becoming Military Moms, as both of our boys joined the military in the same year. We are proud of them and the job we have done, so here’s to them 90 days and counting. Here we come Cozumel and Paradise.

John says:
Hello Laurie,

Indeed you should both be very proud and I thank them both for their dedicated service. Please drop me a note here again with your cabin number would you and I wish you both a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Owen Rimmer asked:

Please consider moving to Pepsi products. From a taste standpoint, Pepsi is far superior to Coca-Cola. It doesn’t taste as sweet as Coke or leave that weird sugary film on your teeth, and it finishes crisp and clean without an aftertaste. This is very important when considering the food options offered on the ships, for sugary teeth film and chocolate melting cake are not such a delicious combination. John, wake up!

John says:
Hello Own Rimmer,

What an interesting post and, goodness me, you are a true Pepsi fan, aren’t you? I know that this is a well-contested battle, Coke or Pepsi but for now, Carnival will continue to carry Coca-Cola products. Maybe a nice glass of wine with the chocolate melting cake instead?

Best wishes.

John

Marion Vecchiarelli asked:
I sometimes use a walker and wonder how far it is to the beaches on the Carnival Pride’s Eastern Carribean voyage? I cannot walk much of a distance. Also is it OK to take a walker on a tender?

John says:
Hello Maion Vecchiarelli,

Thanks so much for writing. Yes, of course, it is OK to take your walker onto the tender and the crew members will assist you into the boat. There are no beaches within a comfortable walking distance for you so I do suggest you take a taxi or indeed a shore excursion. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you and have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

David Rozek asked:
John:

On Feb. 2, 2013, we will be sailing on the Carnival Liberty. My wife has M.S. and cannot stand for more than five minutes at a time. Is there any way for Carnival to provide chairs for its handicapped patrons or speed up the registration process? I do all the pre-registration that I can. This is her second cruise and it might be her last as this disease is slowly destroying the woman I truly love. Thank you.

John says:
Hello David Rozek,

I am so very sorry to read this very sad post and of course we will look after her. Please do call Carnival’s guest access services desk and let them know this and they will assist you. Then, if there is anything else you can think of, please let me know as I am here to make sure you both have the most wonderful time. I wish your lovely wife better days and a cruise full of happy and fond memories.

Best wishes.

John

Melissa Crabtree asked:
I apologize if you received this message twice. My original message disappeared from my screen and I don’t know if it was sent. I want to attend the next Blogger’s Cruise (Jan 2013). I am a home-based travel agent and went on GoCCL to book myself. Well, the fare code for the blogger’s cruise was not an option. Since this is what I do for a living, I would prefer to book my own cruise. (Plus, it goes toward my booking counts for the year and let’s face it, each cabin counts towards getting me up to that next commission level). Having said that – do you know how I can book it myself and still be a registered “blogger” and involved/invited to all of the activities? Or, who I may contact? I did call Carnival directly and she could not find me an answer and suggested that I email you. My husband will be cruising with me as well and we will celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary (he is a lucky man)! I look forward to hearing from you.

John says:
Hello Melissa Crabtree,

I am so glad you wrote to me and thanks so very much for thinking of sailing with me on our sixth annual Bloggers Cruise. All you need to do is book using the best price plan for you both and then closer to sailing time, I will take a registration of all who wish to be involved with the activities. Thanks for all your support as a travel agent and it will be an honour to host you on this beautiful ship.

Best wishes.

John

And that is all for today.

My apologies that the blog isn’t as long as normal but things are getting busy and it’s not easy to mix the blog and Facebook with preparing a new ship to set sail. Carnival Breeze looks amazing and we are just eight days from sailing. Most of the crew is here now and working hard to prepare the lounges and get cabins ready for the first cruise. In fact we have to prepare the ship for sailing on the May 31 as we will have retired captains and chief engineers as well as a whole flock of beards and some family members (my wife and daughter included) who will be sailing to Venice with us.

One of the busiest areas is, of course, food and beverage who have new areas to manage as well as to set and prepare the two dining rooms. This leads me to the menus for the 12-day cruises which I am about to unveil to you all and my thanks to Eric and Cyrus from our Miami team for allowing me to post them. Without further ado, here is what the guests will be eating on the 12- day cruises. Please note I do not at the time of writing have the exact order in which the menus will be served outside of the menu with the lobster on it being served, as always, on elegant night.

What would you have?

So it’s time to get back to work and this afternoon I will be meeting with the ACD Amy, Musical Director Eddie C and a few office beards as we discuss the entertainment, music and activity schedule for the first 12-day cruise and once the Fun Times are done, I will post them for you all to see.

Just before I go I mentioned earlier that I had gone home to see Kye for her birthday and while home I had a chance to read the prospectus that the three schools we are considering sending her to next year…….time goes so fast. Anyway, the schools all listed the lessons they would teach Kye between the ages of 4 and 7. Math, English, art, sports, sex education, music……..hold on ………. what…………..sex education? Yep, it’s true. I called both schools and both said that by age seven they teach the kids “a basic understanding” of where babies come from and learn “the correct names for parts of the body.” That means in less than four years, Kye will know what a gentlemen’s sausage is and why she doesn’t have one. Oh, FFS!

Look, I know I am old fashioned but this is ridiculous. When I was seven, I had just learnt to poo in the toilet rather than my underpants. How do they do this, anyway? Do they all have to undress Ken and Barbie dolls or maybe this will be explained by a character the kids are comfortable with. Barney Explores the Lady Garden……. or something like that. I don’t actually remember sitting through any kind of rumpy pumpy education when I was at school. The closest thing was a biology lesson on rabbit reproduction when we were about 14. The class was taught by “Miss Evans” who had breasts like the Alps…..and we honestly didn’t care about the sodding rabbits when she was teaching a class.

No way am I letting a teacher do this……..nope…….I am going to teach Kye myself. Where do babies come from……..well, Kye, they come from three minutes of exercise when Daddy used to but not anymore, do push-ups on top of Mummy…….and then a baby will pop out of Mummy’s tummy…….and that’s where babies come from……unless you are Madonna or Angelina Jolie ……. in which case they come by mail order.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

So we went shopping and at a Walmartish-type of shop, I loaded the cart with bits and pieces having worked out that I would spend five pounds per kid which considering there are 18 kids coming equals………oh bugger……..where is the sodding calculator…….well, anyway, it equals a s**t load of money. As I loaded the sticker books and candy into the cart, I caught my wife looking uncomfortable. “Will that be enough?” she said. Enough, are you kidding? When I was a kid and we went to a another kids party we got bugger all except a bowl of ice cream and balloon animal that — regardless of what the parent who had made it said — did not look like a poodle or a giraffe but a thingy. “Yes,” said Heidi, “but Kye had just been to a children’s party where each kid got a Princess dress with matching shoes and handbag from the Disney store.”

Maybe this is what kids expect now and it was only because my arms were full of Peppa Pig stickers and lollipops, I did not lie down right there in the store and have a nervous breakdown.
I am not sure how it is where you live, dear bloggers, but children’s parties have become a stage for ridiculous spending and a contest to see who can throw the best. A friend of mine lives on a posh island in Miami where kids are flown by private plane to an island in the Bahamas for their birthday and where Justin Beaver is paid millions to sing Happy Birthday to a seven-year-old. But I don’t live in Miami but in a little town in Essex but even there it’s bloody ridiculous. I know one parent who spent loads of cash on a Willy Wonka party for 30 children where so much chocolate was served that many of the kids left the party as diabetics. What will these parents do when their children reach 21, charter a cruise ship and fill it with Latvian lap dancers? Anyway, Kye and friends will have food, cheap bags of candy and a huge bouncy Peppa Pig thingy I have hired in the garden. And before you think I am being cheap here, let me tell you I am not because each and every one of Kye’s friends will all get something no other parent in Essex can match. Yep, they are all getting a Carnival Breeze solid gold plastic ship on a stick.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Andy asked:
John

I am the husband of Marivonne Diaz. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making her crash cruise of the BC5 such a Magical time (pun intended). She had such a wonderful time meeting you and talks about you every day. Sorry I was unable to meet you as well, even though I tried on two bookings, but when she was talking to her fellow Cuzins I just had to give her my blessing to go without me. Maybe the next time I will get the pleasure of meeting you, as well. Again, THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Andy

There is absolutely no need to thank me as it was a true privilege to meet your wonderful wife on Bloggers Cruise 5. I truly hope we will meet one day too and enjoy some Carnival fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Jeanette Politti asked:
John,

One of the reasons we cruise Carnival seven times in four years is because of the bang we get for our buck but the food in the MDR has taken a dive I think and there have been multiple comments on Cruise Critic too about this. What’s going on, big guy?

John says:
Hello Jeanetee Politti

I am glad you appreciate the value for money and I have noted your comment about your opinion of the food we serve in the dining room although it took me a few minutes to work out what MDR meant. The most recent menu has been met with mostly excellent comments as shown on the cards we receive from those guests who are sent one. Most of our new dining options, from Guy’s burgers and Cantina to the Taste Bar and Punchliner Brunch — are completely free of charge – and illustrates the brilliant value for money Carnival provides.
Best wishes.

John

Amy Salvage asked:
John,

My husband and I just took a seven-day cruise this past February 27 on Carnival Magic and had a wonderful experience. As first time cruisers, we enjoyed it immensely. So much that we have already booked another cruise on the Carnival Triumph this coming October 22. We really enjoyed the shows and the Carnival Magic dancers were awesome! All the crew members (employees) whether they were in the buffet areas, or tidying up the cabins or doing maintenance work on the decks, EVERYONE was so very pleasant and helpful. We never encountered an unhappy attitude with any of them. I’m wondering if you will possibly be on the Carnival Triumph in October. If not, then I hope there will be a cruise director as good as you. We enjoyed your talent and hope to actually meet you face to face on one of our future cruises. We are definitely hooked.

John says:
Hello Amy Savage

It’s a joy to read that as first time cruisers you had such a brilliant time that you are “hooked” and this is of course thanks to the brilliant crew of the Carnival Magic. I will make sure that they see your words of praise and that we will indeed see you again soon. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Thanks for the great post.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kris Marek asked:

I am in strong agreement with the person who wrote that the workers limited English skills has a negative effect on the cruise experience. Case in point was the bar servers in the bars on Carnival Liberty who never once understood my drink orders and who were rude. There were no genuinely informative lectures about the upcoming ports of call (or anything else), and we found that disappointing. Frequently, several activities were scheduled at the same time, or very nearly so, and we had to choose among several attractive-sounding options at the same time which is ridiculous planning. Finally and for reasons we never understood, dinner was interrupted at least once almost every night by bursts of (very loud) music and waiters dancing on serving tables. I think this was supposed to be fun but it was not! There were some good points. The cabin boy was attentive and friendly and the food choice on the lido deck was very good but the lack of English skills and poor planning of activities and that awful loud music in the dining room are areas Carnival will need to improve on if they want to be successful.

John says:
Hello Kris Marek

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and I am glad to see that you had some good points. I know that many of our crew have accents, myself included, but we all speak English and indeed have to pass a test in order to work in guest areas. This is why I am so surprised about your comment regarding the bar staff but I will pass this onto the ship’s management. It was also interesting to read your comments about the dining room because recently here and on Facebook we discussed this and there were many hundreds of comments posted with the vast majority saying they liked the fun atmosphere the music and dances that the servers perform. However, it is not for everyone, so please let me apologise for the disruption it caused in your dining experience. I am glad the gentleman who took care of your stateroom was a highlight and the stateroom steward as his position is called is a fine example of our brilliant crew. I do hope you had fun and that we will see you again and I have as I said, sent your review to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Clarice Hudson asked:
Hi John,

I feel so privileged to have met you on the Carnival Splendor. I just got off the Carnival Inspiration yesterday with my daughter and three grandchildren. I took them on a cruise for their spring break, along with many other families on board for the same reasons. I was surprised that there was no comment cards handed out on this cruise. I wanted to let you know we absolutely loved CD Matt and Assistant CD Weezie. They were so good at recognizing the kids as we walked about the ship and at the shows. Also loved “Buttercup,” Clair and Nick, as well. I can’t remember our waiter’s name at dinner or the drink server who always remembered what the kids wanted to drink and always brought them with extra cherries (until the ship ran out of cherries on the last night). I will say I was a little disappointed with the room staff who never introduced themselves like others have done on my other cruises. As for the shore excursions, we did have a good time. We were shorted one ticked on the first excursion when they were delivered to my room and had to go ashore and get it worked out. The beach party in Rosorita was a little disappointing in that the Rock Wall was broken and the kids really wanted to try it…..but all in all even though the weather was cold, they all had a good time….grandma had to come home to get sleep and rest up, but I wouldn’t have traded the time we had together on this trip for anything.

Thank you to all the staff for a wonderful spring break trip.

Clarice

John says:
Hello Clarice

I can see from your post that grandma did indeed need a rest after that very active cruise and thank you for telling me all about your adventures. I will make sure that the ship takes note of your comments including reminding the stateroom stewards to introduce themselves to the guests. I think your grandchildren are so very lucky to have grandma take them on a cruise and I hope you are rested and ready to do it all again very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful review.

Best wishes to you all.

John

The Igbinedion Family Group asked:

Why are there so few black performers in your shows? I say this based on my last cruise on your ship Carnival Liberty there were no black dancers and all the comedians were white. I hope there is a good explanation for this but it left me and my party with a bad taste in my mouth. Why does Carnival not employ black entertainers?

John says:
Hello Igbinedion Family Group

First of all, I do hope that you had a great cruise and secondly I am glad you wrote to me regarding this as there is indeed a simple explanation. The dancers are hired based on talent and that is all and we can only choose from who attends the auditions we hold. We have 200 plus dancers and singers working across the fleet and boast a diverse cast on our 23 (soon to be 24) ships. I can tell you that here on the Carnival Breeze our dance captain and one of the best dancers I have ever seen is indeed African-American as is the lead male singer. As for the comedians, well, again, they are scheduled according to availability and, of course, their talent and had you been on another ship that week you may have seen Happy Cole, Percy Cruise, Dean Gaines or one of our many African-American comedians who work for us. So thanks again for taking the time to write and hopefully my explanation has helped you all understand and I hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Annette Zgeb asked:
Dear John,

In 2009 my husband and I were on the Carnival Splendor for a back to back to back South America cruise. It was seven weeks and it was awesome. One of the “speakers” was a naturalist named Dirk Yonkerman. He was fantastic, knowledgeable, interesting, charming and just plain nice. February 2013 we are fortunate to be on the Carnival Splendor again for another back to back to back cruise, this time going the opposite direction. Would it be possible to find out if Dirk will be on this cruise again?

John says:
Hello Annette Zgeb

What a fantastic voyage that was and I see you are doing this again and that is just brilliant. I remember getting so many great comments about Dirk so, yes, indeed, I will make sure that I send this to the beards and ask that they give serious consideration to doing this again. I will keep you informed as to what is happening and wish you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Big Duck asked:
Heald,

Can you tell me how many hours the crew work each day. A friend of mine said that they work 15 hours a day, seven days a week, which, if true, is DISGUSTING!

John says:
Hello Big Duck

I am afraid whoever told you this is quackers….sorry…..silly duck joke there. Seriously, though, it is not true. The crew’s working hours are strictly regulated and are recorded on a clock-in/ clock-out system we call Fun Time. These hours are strictly monitored by management on board and shoreside and are also looked at by U.S. Coast Guard, as well. The crew work hard, that is for sure but no crew member works 15 hours a day that I can assure you.

Best wishes.

John

Marshann Johnson asked:

My son and I are planning on buying the excursion to swim with the dolphins in the Bahamas. My husband is not going to do it. Is there a fee for him to watch?

John says:
Hello Marshann Johnson

Yes indeed, he will be able to go and watch you swim with these beautiful animals. If he decided to go on the excursion with you there will be a small fee for transportation but that is all. I hope you have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have fun.

John

Tracey Flynn asked:
John,

I want to give a shout out to the staff in the RedFrog Pub on Carnival Magic. They rocked and deserve a big raise. Please tell the beards. Love the blog and Facebook updates and love Carnival

John says:
Hello Tracey Flynn

I love this post and I will indeed make sure that your praise for those in the RedFrog is heard loud and proud. I hope we see you again soon and I hope also you continue to enjoy the blog and Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

And on that excellent note, so ends the Q and A for now.

So, let’s talk Italian food, shall we? Obviously I have been privileged to travel to many parts of Italy with the various ships and being in the shipyards and eating with Italian captains in their dining rooms on board has given me a wonderful insight to their culture and their food. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Italian cookery, though. Two reasons why. First of all, there is the pasta which when you are trying to lose weight and when you are diabetic and need to control carbs, Italian food is not your best mate. The second reason I am not a fan is garlic. I hate garlic. I would rather eat a dead hamster that has been marinated in my underpants for a month than eat anything with garlic in it or on it.

Now I can see some of you bloggers sitting there, in your underpants, saying, “John, you are an idiot, garlic is wonderful.” No…..it’s not….it’s revolting. Not just the taste…..but the smell. Bugger me, the smell. Try coming onto the bridge of the Carnival Breeze early in the morning and have the captain talk to you inches from your face after eating a huge dish of pasta de soddinggarlico the night before. I’d rather have H82Seaugo serve me a plate of skunk scrotum while dressed as Cleopatra than eat anything with garlic in it.

But I am in the minority and most people I know love Italian food and if I didn’t have a beach ball living in my stomach, then I would love it too and I would therefore be able to eat at the best Italian restaurant on the seven seas…….Cucina del Capitano. Already a huge success on the Carnival Magic, the Cucina will be featured here on Carnival Breeze, as well. For those who are not familiar with this concept, let me explain. At lunchtime the restaurant serves the finest pasta at no extra charge but it is at night when the Cucina really comes alive. Now the idea of this is not just to serve the best Italian food and the most absolutely ridiculous price anywhere — $12 for adults and $5 for kids aged 11 and under — but for you to sit around the table and eat it family style. And that just doesn’t mean that we will serve the pasta in big steaming bowls, no, it means that if you are the Cahill family from Florida, you get to dine with the Berlusconi family from Naples. Let’s have a look at the menu that we will serve here on the Carnival Breeze. There are a few changes with the biggest being that we have a new signature dish here chosen by the master of the Carnival Breeze, Captain Vincenzo Alcaras. So have a look but I do not advise you to do so on an empty stomach.

Click to zoom in

What would you have?

And now let’s remind ourselves about the menu on the Carnival Magic:

Click to zoom in

So now what would you have? Oh, and don’t forget the Chianti cart that serves the perfect wine to complement your $12 feast…did I mention it was only $12?

So here is a bit of news for you. Starting today, we are going to take direct reservations for the Cucina del Capitano on the Carnival Magic and I will explain how in a moment. Once the restaurant is up and running here on the Carnival Breeze, we will take reservations also but I have been asked by the chef to wait a few days into service before we do this so I am afraid we won’t be able to do it for the first cruise and reservations will have to be made on board.

To make reservations for this un-missable restaurant please can you e mail MCCUCINA@carnival.com. Please keep the email simple and only include the following information.

Name
Cabin #
Number of guests for dinner
Preferred Time for dining

Payment will be on board after you’ve dined.

And that’s it – so easy to make a reservation at the brilliant Cucina del Capitano.

Now allowing you to email the ship directly is a big change for us but I have been asked to let you know that the hostess will not be able to take The Chef’s Table or steakhouse reservations, only Cucina del Capitano reservations and those for now must be done online via my blog please. But the hostess will reply with confirmation for your Cucina reservation and we will do the same as I mentioned for the Carnival Breeze soon.

What I love about Cucina is that you get exactly what you order. Let me explain what I mean by that. These days, posh restaurants serve food where everything tastes and looks like something else. You order lamb because you like lamb. But at places with Michelin stars and full of pop stars your lamb arrives at the table in wrapped in banana leaves so now my lamb tastes like a sodding fruit basket. Cucina has everything, food that tastes exactly as you would expect, except even better. Brilliant unbeatable value for money and entertainment, as well, which I won’t spoil the surprise about. Food is a big part of what makes the Cucina a brilliant dining experience great but so also is the sense of family it creates while you eat there.

So here I am in Italy once more, a country united by language and religion and divided by almost everything else. You know, Italians often sound as if they’re having a vicious argument, even when they’re discussing soccer, cars or rumpy pumpy. Yet these arguments are not really arguments, they are conversations spoken passionately and with arms waving around like a demented traffic cop. Through my exposure to Italians cruising to Italian ports and eating with captains and chief engineers (and, of course, getting ships ready in Italian shipyards), I have learned that they will never agree about food. Sicily, for example, has a cuisine completely different from Naples but it’s far more complicated than that. I remember one of my great friends Captain Angelo Los telling me once that in his small home town near Genoa one family will make its pasta completely differently to the pasta a mile down the road. Individual families have recipes they guard and swear by more than Colonel Sanders does.

The only other thing that unites all Italians is the total belief that there is no edible Italian food outside of Italy……..but in the case ofCucina del Capitano………..they are absolutely wrong.

Bona Note.

Your friend,

John

I once got an email from a very upset beard because I had sent an email using only capital letters and he thought I was shouting at him. I wasn’t. The caps thingy lock was pressed and by the time I looked at the screen and noticed, half the e-mail was finished and I didn’t want to write it again. But the “X” kiss thing is out of sodding control. The problem is that once you start, you can’t stop. Kisses are a plague. Let’s say I write an email to Carnival’s President and CEO Gerry Cahill asking for a raise and finish it with a kiss, even if he tells me to bugger off, his email must finish with an “X” as well. You’re effectively blowing kisses to everyone like some lady of the night standing on a street corner.

One of the worst side effects of the Eye Phone/Raspberry phone thingy revolution has been to make people more needy and demanding of attention 24/7, no matter where they are. I often find myself saying, “It’s been five minutes since I emailed you and they haven’t replied,” I moan, eyes glued to my Raspberry, “Do they hate me? Has Carnival fired me?” No, they’re probably just terrified because I have put seven kisses on a message that simply says, “Carnival Breeze’s schedules are attached.” I guess, though, that one thing is escaping me and escaping you more and more each day…..if it’s an instant response that we want, well, here’s a thought… why not make a sodding phone call? Oh, sorry…..I am not allowed to say “phone call”…..even that has changed. We don’t make phone calls anymore…….we “reach out” Oh FFS!

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Sandee Holland asked:

I just went on my third Carnival cruise, this time on the Carnival Triumph. There were nine of us in all and eight of us were past guests. I have never been dissatisfied with a Carnival cruise until this one, and the others in my party agreed. The service was lousy, the crew was grumpy, and two of the cabins were just nasty!! (And yes there are videos) When I reported it to the service desk they put me on the phone with bar and dining room managers, they truly seemed to not care. The first cruise I was on was with you on the Carnival Conquest and it and you were truly wonderful. The second cruise was also on the Carnival Conquest and even with fire or something in the kitchen on formal night, I was still very pleased when I got off the ship… not so much that night but they made every effort to make it up to us. This third cruise was totally a disgrace… It may be all nine in my parties last cruise with Carnival, it was so bad. I don’t know what you can do or who to contact but the Carnival Triumph is giving Carnival a bad name. I even met a man yesterday that was on the Carnival Triumph two weeks before me and he said it was bad too. Thanks for your help or passing this along.

John says:
Hello Sandee Holland,

There may be some who are surprised that I post and reply to comments like this but I do because I promised myself that we would never hide from the negatives. I want to sincerely apologise that this cruise did not meet the expectations that were based on your previous cruises on the Carnival Conquest. I was though very surprised to read this because the ship usually gets nothing but praise but it seems we have work to do. I want you to know that I have sent this to our operations people in Miami and to the senior management on the vessel and they will address this I can assure you. Meanwhile please accept my apologies again and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Mira Brecher asked:

I will be travelling with my service dog which I have to have for sleep apnea. I have sailed on NCL with Sari (my Maltese) and am considering a Carnival cruise as you have your big ship Carnival Splendor coming to New York where I now live. Will Carnival as NCL did allow my service dog in the dining room and what steps do I need to take to make sure she is well looked after.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Mira Bercher,

I am glad you wrote and thank you for considering Carnival for your 2013 vacation. We do allow service dogs and, obviously, we require the proper documentation before allowing them onboard proving it is a service dog and not the family pet. Once onboard a special area will be reserved near the lifeboat stations for your dog to do its whoopises but please note that the staff do not in any way take care of the dog, that is down to you of course. Please call our special needs desk so that you can find out what you need to do and I hope we see you on the Carnival Splendor soon.

Best wishes.

John

Tamsin Hawkins asked:

I am taking my three kids aged three, five and nine and on a cruise. I am a single mom and wondered if Carnival does anything for single moms as money is tight. We will be on the Carnival Sensation 5/31 three-day cruise. Can Carnival do something for me?

John says:
Hello Tamsin Hawkins,

Congratulations on taking your children on a cruise and I am sure they will have fun. We don’t have a special package for single parents but I will send each of your children a special souvenir of their cruise which I hope they will cherish. Have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

Harry Wald asked:

Mother and I have enjoyed three Carnival cruises and we like the food and especially like the convenience of being able to sail from Charleston where we live now. I do have one suggestion that I would like you to consider Mr. Heald. The food in the dining room is surprisingly good but the service is brash and loud and certainly is not something that everyone enjoys. We also cruise Celebrity where we are Captain’s Club members. I understand the two companies are vastly different but why must Carnival think that the waiters have to be so loud, play jokes and worse perform lurid dances on table tops? I think there should be one dining area where a more professional silver service style is offered with maybe just some nice, relaxing music allowing for good table conversation with family and friends. On my last cruise on Carnival Fantasy I spoke to many passengers who agreed with me and I would not mind wagering that your dining service staff would prefer a silver service environment rather than being treated as performing monkeys. I look forward to your response.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Harry Wald,

First of all, I am glad to read that you enjoy your Carnival cruises and I hope that you will build up to the same loyalty level as you have shown Celebrity Cruises. I understand that the singing and dancing and the fun atmosphere the staff provide in the dining room may not to be your taste and yet I must say that the comments and the feedback we get show that the vast majority enjoy what we do during dinner service. I must say that for the most part also that the staff enjoys it as well and what happens during dinner has become a tradition at Carnival that we have no plans of changing. It is an interesting point you raise and this is why I hope you don’t mind that earlier today I posted on Facebook to encourage others to discuss. I respect your comment though and I hope that this will not deter you from cruising with us again very soon. If there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Brenda Blackard asked:

Where or where can one get a copy of Fun Times for a cruise? Tried the list from your help desk below — to say the least it was painful — surely one of the beards has an able assistant who could gather ALL of the Fun Times from all of the ships/destinations and list them in an easily accessible spot. Just a thought — loyal cruiser (18 and counting!)

John says:
Hello Brenda Blackard,

At the bottom of my blog, you will find a link to the Fun Times for the fleet. If the one you are looking for is not there, please let me know and I will post it for you. I am sorry you had a tough time finding the information you need and I hope you will let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes.

John

Mark Sagan asked:
John,

I think it is ridiculous and unprofessional to take a chunk of time off and have nobody to carry on answering questions. I posted a request for my 15th anniversary that went unanswered and I discovered it was because you took a vacation. It’s unfair that people who don’t have Facebook accounts get treated like s**t because you are on vacation and leave the blog unattended. I am not impressed and my request for a table for two and a little something extra for my wife was ignored.

John says:
Hello Mark Sagan,

I did take some time away from the blog as I was traveling and spending time with the family which has left me behind on the blog questions. Since then the wonderful duo of Michelle and Mary are helping me with questions so things like this don’t happen. I can only apologise and hope that you had a great anniversary cruise and next time you sail please try again and let me know what you need and I will do my best to help you.

Best wishes.

John

Art Seago asked:
John,

We just finished our first seven-day cruise on Sunday. The Carnival Magic is truly a great ship. The accommodations and the staff were wonderful. Our first cruise was the one of the last voyages the Carnival Ecstasy made out of Galveston. We also had a great time on that trip. The one thing we missed on the Carnival Magic that was on the Carnival Ecstasy was the water depth on the info channel in the room. There were a few new pieces of info, but knowing how DEEP the water was, was a nice little touch. The kids were really looking forward to seeing if we went into any water deeper than 11,000 feet…but it was missing from this ship. Is/Can that be added back to the info screen?

Thanks.

Art Seago

John says:
Hello Art Seago,

Carnival Magic is currently at the number one spot in the fleet as per review cards completed by the guests and your review is another fine example as to why. The water depth is supposed to be on the information channel and I will have to investigate as to why it was not there so thanks for letting me know. I will pass your comments to the ship and I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Faye Murray asked:

John we are booked on the Carnival Breeze for June 15th – my question is simple – I have prepaid gratuities but tip extra for room service, and special service. Should we buy Euros for tips or good old American dollars? Is there a preference on a Mediterranean cruise? Many thanks!

John says:
Hello Faye Murray,

How wonderful you are to ask that question and the answer is that to save you rate of exchange and commission, USD are most welcome. However, if you have Euros they too will be fine so the answer is I think, what’s best for you, Faye. I must say you are so kind to ask and I truly look forward to welcoming you onboard.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Vicki W asked:
Hi John!

I enjoy reading your blog and FB page and would like to know who the comedians will be for our cruise May 26. Thanks John and you are a diamond for putting up with what you do.

John says:
Hello Vicki W,

Thanks for the very kind words and here is your entertainment for your cruise. I hope you have a brilliant time.

• Sat, May, 26 – Miami Welcome – Aboard Show dep @ 4pm
• Sun, May, 27 – Half Moon Cay (9am-5pm) – Wonderful World – Tommy Drake / Dan Smith
• Mon, May, 28 – At sea – Edge (Tommy Drake / Dan Smith)
• Tue, May, 29 – St Thomas (10am – 6pm) – Singing With The Big Band /Chris Graves
• Wed, May, 30 – San Juan (7am-3:30pm) – Fun Hop Deck Party
• Thu, May, 31 – Grand Turk (11am-5:30) – Just Rock Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball
• Fri, Jun, 01 – at sea – Carnival Legends Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball

Best wishes,

John

Linda Bailey asked:
John,

I don’t understand why they are renaming the Carnival Destiny after she is redone to the “Sunshine.” Who picked that name? Sounds from the forums like there are not many cruisers who like the name. I am sailing on her anyway Christmas 2013 but I sure think they could have come up with a better name. Just a thought! But for now, just looking forward to the Carnival Glory in a little over a month on April 29. Thanks for listening.

Linda

John says:
Hello Linda Bailey,

I know there were some questions when we announced the name change from Carnival Destiny to Carnival Sunshine and I totally understand that some have a firm allegiance to the vessel under her own name. It is important that we all remember to use the full name, Carnival Sunshine and not just Sunshine as the Carnival prefix really makes a difference. The most important thing is to wait and see what we are doing to the vessel and I promise that when she returns from her 49-day dry dock that Carnival Sunshine…….will be a perfect name for her. I am always here to listen and I hope you will let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Ken Martin asked:
John,

It’s been too long since I’ve cruised (kids in college, a divorce, etc.) But Woo Hoo Hi Diddlee Dee It’s the Carnival Liberty for me and my friends (over 14 rooms with 100+ Carnival cruises under our belts. I’m still getting the info tallied). Just a thought as we’ll be on the 2.0 Liberty. Are there any plans to have Guy Fieri do a cruise and have him do some seminars on some of his famous dishes or his Diners, Drive-ins and Dives recipes? There are lots of us who’d sign up (Just ask the question on Facebook and I bet you’ll get a ton of positive replies. Thanks mate in advance for your checking this out and look forward to hearing what may or may not happen. Ken P.S. can’t wait to try one of Guy’s Burgers. The closest thing we have to it is Five Guys Burgers here in SW Florida

John says:
Hello Ken Martin,

That’s a brilliant question and one I don’t know the answer to. I will though certainly suggest this as it’s a great idea. I saw him cook live in New York and it was a fantastic rock and roll experience and the end result was the best burger in the world……as you are soon to discover for yourself. I will follow up on this and let you know.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

I have made quite a few mistakes since I started writing blogs and there have been times when in retrospect I probably should not have written about certain subjects. Top of that list is the new loyalty program which I first wrote about some two years ago or thereabouts. Back then it looked like we were just a few weeks away from launching but suddenly we were not and I was told that the project was far grander than first planned and it was going to be not weeks but months, lots of months before we were ready to announce what we were doing. It was my fault, 100% my fault. I was so anxious to tell you all that this exciting program was on the way that I jumped the gun so to speak and here we are still waiting.

Since then I have been ridiculed somewhat for this by posters here, on Facebook and on Cruise Critic and rightly so. I can understand why and as I said, it’s my fault. If I didn’t have this social media site and my Facebook page then nobody would have been any the wiser and while I think for the most part that my pages do help get the Carnival messages out and while they do keep you informed, there are times when silence would have been as golden. So please let me apologise to you all for my glaring mistake. In the coming weeks we will have the grand launch of a program that will keep our loyal guests returning to Carnival for another brilliantly fun and affordable cruise vacation.

So here I am on the Carnival Breeze in my cabin and it’s good to be finally onboard the ship, my home for the next few months. I am about to show you photos of my cabin which so many have asked for and I can understand the fascination of why people want to see where the crew live and in this case, where the fat bloke sits in his underpants writing blogs to you. Back when we had the Holiday class the CD cabins were huge. In fact they were Verandah suite cabins, exactly the same as the guest suites on the Holiday, Jubilee and Celebration and they were fantastic. I could hold a full department meeting there and still have room to swing loads of cats and invite a few Latvian casino girls over. God I was a stud back then with the female staff desperate for my attention. I had a huge cabin and a bathtub and I might as well have replaced my cabin door with a revolving one for the Latvian casino girls………and a cat flap for the cute girls from spa. OK, that was bollocks but a man can dream.

Then came the Fantasy-class and the cabins were still nice but a little smaller although the bedroom was probably the nicest of all the classes. Then we had the Destiny- and Conquest-class and for all the senior officers the cabins were smaller and so indeed were they on the Spirit-class as well although we have balconies on those ships. So the Dream-class has smaller cabins for the senior officers because of The Lanai which as you know wraps around the entire deck 5 and this has meant the cabin is smaller than that on Destiny/Conquest/Splendor class of ships. Anyway, let me show you my home and this is as I found it this morning so you are seeing what I saw just a few hours ago using my Raspberry video, so excuse the quality

Yep, that’s my home and as you can see from the photos I have a bit of a problem…….. ummmm ………..there’s no office chair. In fact there are no chairs at all as they haven’t been delivered yet. This means I am here writing to you in my underpants………………sitting on Calvyn.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John
X

Stephen James Caulker asked:

Heald: Urgent!!! On my cruise on Carnival Magic there were no workers checking IDs to get into the Serenity area and I know for a fact that there was a family who was next to me who had a son who was 19 and you said in today’s blog the minimum age to get into Serenity was 21. I know he was 19 because they were talking about what he wanted for his 19th birthday. There must be deck boys checking the ID of all the passengers so that it is 21 which is what you said in your overinflated blog today!!! The sign should say “Teens not allowed!”

So good morning, everyone, and I moved this comment to the top of the blog for two reasons. One, because it is an important subject and two, because its 6:30 am here in Italy and I am really tired and couldn’t think of anything else to write about. So, Mr. Caulker is correct, the minimum age for the Serenity area is 21 and again I am answering this question which was posted on April 4 so I guess he is referring to an “overinflated blog” I wrote some weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, the beards gathered to talk about everyone’s favourite subject — Lido Deck chair saving. The beards came up with some excellent ideas and all agreed that something must be done and decided to reconvene at the end of this week for a follow up. The Serenity area will be a focus regarding seat saving for sure but, suffice to say, we won’t have the staff standing at the entrances checking IDs. If they see a child there, they will ask them to leave, that they have now been empowered to do and in the days ahead, a new seat saving policy will also be enforced.

I don’t think we should allow children into the Serenity area and for the most part we don’t. Yes, occasionally a kid will pop up there to see Mum and Dad which is fine, of course. Granted, there are some kids in their late teens who are well behaved and obviously some who are not. I certainly don’t pretend to understand today’s teenagers but there are some who are certainly different from when I was 18. I used to take the bus to college and would always stand and let an older person take my seat. This rarely happens anymore as far as I can tell, I think, and I am sure if I were to get on a bus in the UK, America, Canada or wherever you’re from, I would see an 18-year-old strapped to his Eyepod, sitting in his seat and texting while a 70-year-old grandmother has to stand and be catapulted to the other end of the bus like one of those Angry Birds each time it brakes.

But are they any worse than the cocktail slurpers or the guests who have come straight from their stateroom without showering and smell like a suburb of Paris? How about the snorers who end up on the sun bed next to you, drooling on themselves and snoring so loudly it feels like the captain just turned the thrusters on?

Anyway, we are working hard on seat saving and we will continue not to allow kids into Serenity areas and are working on making sure that the age restrictions are followed.

Time for today’s Q and A……………..here we go.

Dan Walden asked:

Is there any way to get my son a tour of the bridge on the 6/22 Carnival Inspiration cruise without paying the cost of your Behind the Fun tour. Andrew is a member of the Naval Sea Cadets Corps and at 14 years old has already expressed a desire to be at sea for his career. I know other cruise lines allow sea cadets access to the bridge and I hope Carnival will not let me down here as one day Andrew will be at sea serving his country protecting your passengers’ freedom.

John says:
Hello Dan Walden,

Many congratulations to your son and I am sure you are already proud of the path he wishes to follow. Unfortunately, I cannot waive the fee for the Behind the Fun tour or allow private access to the bridge as we follow very strict rules in this regard. I will send a note to the captain though and ask that maybe Andrew can have a photo with him and answer a question or two and I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Richard Taylor asked:
John,

The US Carnival website is shouting about “Early Saver” fares where price reductions and on board spend increases are passed on to cruisers who booked before these events. My travel agent here in the UK (co-op) is saying it doesn’t apply to my booking. Could you get the beards to clarify the UK situation, please? Why would my booking be called “Early Saver” if there were no similar benefits?

Thanks, mate.

John says:
Hello Richard Taylor,

Please allow me to apologise for the delay in answering this and I am aware of some shortfalls in the current UK website and I am pleased to tell you that a new dedicated website for our UK guests will soon be here. Meanwhile I have sent this to our UK office and I am sure they will be able to contact you and explain and assist you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Best wishes.

John

Rose Howse asked:

I don’t know why Carnival even bothers to publish a dress-code for dining as it is NOT enforced. It is absolutely disgusting to have passengers, especially obese ones eating in the Lido area without shirts on. Yes, they come in from the pool area, but Carnival should have someone turn them away at the door unless they put a shirt on. There is nothing worse than seeing obese people standing at the buffet lines. There are outside food venues like the hamburger/hot dog grill, tandoori grill, deli, and pizza that they don’t have to wear shirts. But in the indoor seating area? Seriously???

John says:
Hello Rose Howse,

Well, as a fat chap myself, I certainly would never want anyone to see me shirtless reaching for a piece of fried chicken. However, while I agree with you I must say that this comment comes across as being a bit unfair to those of us who are large. Are you saying that if they have a six pack and a body of a Greek God that it’s OK and it’s just the fat ones who should be made to cover up their bodies? I hope not. I do agree that we should not allow guests to have no shirts on inside the Lido restaurant and for the most part guests do cover up and I will send this to the CD’s to ask them to mention it in the Fun Yimes. I hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes,

John ………..writing this topless.

Lisa May asked:
Hi John,

My husband and I have sailed on Carnival around five times, yet we never get perks, upgrades etc. I hear people referring to platinum status, how do you get in on this? I hope to meet you on the March 17 cruise. I just learned about your blogs and they are nice to read…

John says:
Hello Lisa May,

Welcome to the blog and I hope you are enjoying them. Platinum status means that you have cruised 10 times or more with Carnival although the new loyalty program which reverts to the number of days sailed. Upgrades happen rarely and are based on many different formulas depending on the ship, the cruise and what staterooms are available. I hope one day you get an upgrade and I thank you for your loyalty and hope one day you get to your platinum status

Best wishes,

John

Simon and Grace Bradman asked:
John,

We were very nervous taking our cruise because it was our first Carnival cruise and we had read so many bad reviews on other sites about the food. I am a picky eater and most of the food even in the buffet was excellent. I never went hungry though so they were doing something right! We had anytime dining which was great but there was a 30 minute wait on the formal night. The best food we have every eaten was had in the Nouveau steakhouse. So worth the money!

John says:
Hello Simon and Grace Bradman,

I am so very glad that you had such a great time and enjoyed our wonderful food and I will pass this on to the ship which I think from your mention of the Nouveau steakhouse is the Carnival Spirit. Online reviews are very useful but it’s always good to go on the ship with an open mind remembering that reviews are based on personal opinion. I am glad therefore that your opinion is that the food was excellent.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Milly May asked:
John,

My husband and I will be celebrating 50 years of marriage with you on the Carnival Breeze’s first cruise from Venice, Italy. I have always wanted to go in a gondola but am worried that with my bad knees I won’t be able to get in it. Tell me if you can, John, what you think for me to try this, please.

John says:
Hello Milly May,

First of all, many congratulations on your 50 years of marriage and I will do everything I can to make this a very special cruise indeed. The step down into the boat is very easy and there will be a strong Gondolier to help you in and out and so I would say yes, absolutely you should do this as it’s something you have always wanted to enjoy. Have a great time and I will see you on board

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Rhonda Kight asked:

We are taking granddaughters two teenage girls on the Carnival Magic July 22. They wanted me to ask if you are going to be CD on that cruise. We’ve been reading your blogs, they love you said feel like they know you.

John says:
Hello Rhonda Kight,

The CD will be Butch Begovitch who will have just returned from the Carnival Breeze. I am so very sorry I can’t be with you but you will love Butch and his incomparable energy. I send my best wishes to you and all the family and I hope one day to sail with you.

Best wishes

John

Jewels of Da Sea asked:

There seems to be a problem with Carnival’s number one dessert — warm chocolate melting cake……..I have heard this from other cruisers many times and have also experienced it myself on many cruises. The way it is made is inconsistent – one night it’s goopy and runny, and sometimes baked the right way with a cake like top and then chocolate sauce under the cake. When I get it baked the wrong way I tell the maitre d and ask him to talk to the chef. Then the next few nights are fine. This is something all ship’s chefs should be aware of. Striving to keep the chocolate melting cake the award winner that it is.

John says:
Hello Jewels of Da Sea,

So noted. I will make sure that I send this to our fleet executive chef. We will make a note of your comments as we want you to continue to enjoy the best and most popular dessert at sea.

Best wishes,

John

Ian Reading asked:
Hello,

Please can you tell me how often the lifeboats on your ships are actually put in the water as it seems to me the only time this happens is in an emergency which isn’t enough is it!!!

John says:
Hello Ian Reading,

Thanks for taking the time to write. The lifeboats are lowered to the water and spend time circling the ship every month during our monthly full crew only evacuation and emergency drills. Each ship has a dedicated lifeboat maintenance crew who spend each day working on the engines, cleaning and testing the boats so I am glad to say that God forbid we should ever need to use them…………they will be ready.

Best wishes.

John

Robert Durao asked:
John,

Please can you tell the beards that the two bartenders at The Alchemy Bar on Carnival Liberty are incredible and should be given a raise. I don’t know if it’s all the alcohol we consumed or the fact that I am now 65 and my memory is shot but I can’t remember their names just that they were fantastic and we spent many wonderful evenings in their company.

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Robert Durao,

This is a fantastic post and I am so happy you enjoyed these two wonderful people who will indeed be thrilled when they see this. I am not sure who is there now and don’t want to write their names in case it’s not them but if it’s who I think it is I know they are indeed brilliant. Thanks for taking the time to write and I hope we see you soon on another Carnival cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Victor Buskirk asked:

Can you tell me who the comedians will be for the five-day cruise on Carnival Triumph May 26. I have asked Carnival’s help desk but they told me to come here so can you tell me as I am frustrated by the lack of help I have gotten!!!!

John says:
Hello Victor Buskirk,

The help desk does not have access to the movement of our fly-on entertainers as I do which is why they could not answer you. I am glad you asked me though and that I am able to give you the answer before you sail. You will have Chad Elsner and Tim Young both of whom I know you will find very funny indeed. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Yesterday I discussed the remaining cruise director schedule with Chris Prideaux who has been working on which CD’s will be going where and when. First of all, one just wanted to acknowledge one our longstanding cruise directors Trevor Block who has left the company and I wish him well in his future endeavors and I also wanted to let you know that we have decided to add the cruise directors to the core service teams. I already wrote in the blog some months ago how the three major figures on board, the captain, the chief engineer and the hotel director are now assigned together on the same ship for at least two years to provide much needed stability for that vessel. Well, now we have the cruise directors added to these teams so we are finalising which ships they will go to in order to become part of that team.

One change already decided is that next week Wee Jimmy will leave the Carnival Paradise and head to the Carnival Sensation. Carnival Paradise will have the lovely Laura Sparkles as CD for a few weeks before the incomparable Steve Cassel takes over as CD where he will, of course, continue to be the star of the brilliant Extreme Country show which showcases his fabulous fiddle playing. Anyway, I will have the full schedule ASAP. Now talking of cruise directors, I wanted to highlight one today and I thought you should have a read about a CD that is very much in focus at the moment due to the Carnival Spirit’s pending journey to Australia.

Here then is CD extraordinaire Mr. Stuart Dunn:

As cruise director now for eight years and having been on many Carnival ships over the years I would have to say that the last couple of years have been the best. I have been on the Carnival Spirit since October 2009 which currently sails the Mexican Riviera, Hawaii and the ultimate itinerary, Alaska, every summer. Well that is all about to change, as I am incredibly lucky to be doing a first for Carnival Cruise Lines, sailing the Carnival Spirit to Sydney, Australia, October 2012. Sydney is my home and I will be able to welcome Australian guests on board just as I have done for many North American guests over the years. With time and age, I feel a greater desire to learn more about my own country’s geography, history and culture, and as I do I will be sharing my passion for cruising with the people of Australia. I could not be any happier.

Thanks, Stuart, and we all look forward to hearing more from you when the ship heads down under and thanks for all the brilliant work.

So more and more Carnival crew are arriving in Italy and the move on day for the crew remains the 11th and all of us who have been living in hotels are looking forward to that very much. The cast are rehearsing the shows and the Hasbro team is battling for time in the lounge and Ken and his dining team are slowly beginning to arrive. I am waiting for confirmation on the 12-day cruise menus which are being finalised and some changes are being made. I know many who are cruising here want to see them and I will post them as soon as I have them. Work is in progress and as usual it will be a mad dash over the finishing line which is May 29, delivery day, but as always we will make it and the ship will be ready for you all. Once on board and once the areas are ready I promise to post photos galore.

I booked myself a ticket back to the UK today, just for an overnight trip but I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t miss another of my daughter’s birthdays and I am going to live up to that promise. Kye’s birthday is on the 15th but she has her birthday party on Saturday the 19th and so on Friday the 18th I will take a flight home and return on Sunday morning and I should add a huge thank you to the beards for allowing me to do this.

Obviously, it is important for me to be here but I have Butch to cover for the 48 hours I will be away and so far everything is on schedule. I have missed Kye’s 1st and 2nd birthday because of my commitments as cruise director and brand ambassador and as I said, I promised that I would not miss anymore.

The one downside to all of this is the fact that I have to fly on Ryan Air which, as some of you may know, make other low cost airlines look like Rolls Royce’s I believe that flying Ryan Air was the good Lord’s way of deterring everyone but the most determined traveler from ever setting foot on a plane. Those who have not been killed en route by thrombosis or poisoned by what they refer to as “food,” emerge at the end looking and feeling like the unlikely offspring of Calvyn and Judge Judy. Just once, I would like to experience first class with soft sheets, fine wines, exotic nuts and a good chance of sitting next to Megan Fox. But I’ve discovered that economy class was merely purgatory, no more than a waiting room for the true hell of flying: Ryan Air where the only nuts I will be served will be crushed ones…….. mine……..as I try and fit into a seat designed for Snow White’s seven best friends. Anyway……..get this. A return flight to Trieste, Italy, costs 34 pounds. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Adult: 34 GBP
Online Check-In: 10.00 GBP + Taxes
Fees: 31.77 GBP
Total Price: 75.77 GBP

Fees….what fees? I was the one who sat here in my hotel in Italy in my underpants using the Europalace’s internet and electricity………so what fees………..fees my arse. They also charge for food on board and for a “priority” boarding pass, which gives lucky holders the opportunity to take part in a “priority” scramble for seats, which — presumably through sheer spite — are unallocated……..which means I will be jockeying for position with old Mama Isabella, an-87-year old from Trieste, for that converted row one with the extra room……..Watch out mama….the fat man’s coming.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

These buggers made my life boring. I am not a violent man but when I am bored I find myself thinking about doing bad things to Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit with a chainsaw. Why is the fat bloke talking about boredom I hear you cry? Surely he is too busy with the new ship and the blog and Facebook and www.Latvianwomeninsuspenders.com and stuffing his face with pasta, isn’t he?

Well yes, for the most part you would be right but not yesterday. Carnival Breeze is on sea trials, the yard office is closed and the young entertainment staff and Calvyn all decided to go to a club on Saturday night and on Sunday they took the train to Venice leaving me all on my own and bored out of my sodding mind.

Monfalcone is a lovely little town and I really tried to think of something to do but having been here many times, I knew there would be bugger all apart from eating and shopping. Now I could have gone to the art gallery but that would have taken my boredom to a whole new level. You see, with the greatest respect to those who love art, I would rather have someone pump gas into the crack of my arse and then have H82seaugo set it on fire then go to an art gallery. Once, when I was an idiot, I went to Paris with the young lady I was dating at the time who insisted we go to see the Mona Lisathingy at the Louvre. So we took the tour of the gallery where a French guide spoke for 45 minutes about her sodding smile. He knew everything about the painting but bugger all about deodorant. I think that the Mona Lisa is covered by bullet proof glass to stop people like me who are bored out their minds taking a knife to it just to stop Pierre the tour guide from endlessly talking about it. And I’m sorry but I think a painting of Megan Fox’s bottom is far better than anything Leonardo Da Vinci ever did. OK, time to stop talking about being bored and time to crack on with some Q and A………..off we go.

Debbie Chisora asked:

Perhaps you should listen to Dave C and his offer to help you John. I was on the cruise with you in the Baltic on the Carnival Splendor and you were carrying a lot of extra weight and at times your appearance did not IMHO come up to the expectations of the passengers. My daughter had a recurring weight problem and thanks to Bonita Fat Burner pills which has 100% natural herbal ingredients so it’s perfectly safe for your body to take. This miracle pill has taken my daughter’s weight from 375 pounds to 280 pounds in just nine months and I think you should consider this John, again IMHO. The other reason I am writing to your blog is to tell you that we will be with you on the Carnival Breeze on the September 7 cruise from Barcelona. Our last cruise on Carnival Dream we had a big problem with dinner as my husband and I who are in our late 50s and our daughter were sat with two other couples both in their 20s. Come on Carnival, how does that make sense? Well, after the first day we demanded to be moved and were given a table just for us three which we much prefer and that’s what we would want again, a private table for the three of us. I hope this can be arranged and I will bring you some of the Bonita Fat Burner pills and maybe you can speak to Dayna my daughter about how it has helped her. Thank you John and please watch your weight. Booking #******

John says:
Hello Debbie Chisora

Thanks for thinking of me, you are most kind. Many congratulations on your daughter’s weight loss and while I thank you for the suggestion please don’t worry about the pills. I am doing this important weight loss myself my way and indeed I think I have lost a bit of weight since we last cruised together. I will certainly help you with your table for three and as we are sometime away from the sailing date please may I ask that you send me your request one month before you sail. So, on August 7 please send it here marked time sensitive or maybe you can send me a note to my Facebook page 10 days before so either way I don’t forget. I will see you soon and wish you all a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Daniel Bearcrofter asked:

I have been on many cruises with Costa, Holland America and we just returned from our eight Carnival cruise so as you can see my wife and I love to cruise! Boarding was a breeze. Maybe because we got on the ship at 2pm, embarkation was the quickest ever. Tampa is a fantastically easy port to begin with; this boarding was absolutely exceptional in that there were zero people ahead of us. Check-in to room was probably done in less than 10 minutes, including a stop for the obligatory boarding-day picture! Ship is probably the ugliest Carnival ship I’ve ever been on. I’m betting designer Joe Farcus wishes he could go back and re-do this ship. Everyone has a bad day, and alas this was not Joe’s best effort. That said, his bad day designing ship interiors for Carnival will be better than any of us could ever hope for. The glass art on stairwells was pretty nice, but the rest of the ship left me cold. As Carnival’s chief architect, Farcus does some amazing work, but I just didn’t love this one. Cabin staff was amazing and our cabin attendant, Anoop from India, was wonderful. These guys work extremely hard and if you appreciate their efforts, please show it with a little something in U.S. currency! Likewise, with our wait staff (Salvo from Croatia and assistant Carlos) for table 221, early seating. Wonderful job and great ambassadors for Carnival. These guys too work extremely hard. I didn’t get a comment card. I wanted to make sure the people who made this cruise special were recognized.

John says:
Hello Daniel Bearcrofter

Thank you for this wonderful review. Joe Farcus has a brilliant mind and his entertainment architecture is certainly a escape from the everyday way we live our lives. Everyone has their own favourite Joe designed ship and Carnival Legend is certainly one of mine. I want to say a huge thank you for taking the time to write and I will make sure that everyone you mentioned gets to see your words of praise for their fantastic work.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nancy Zeman asked:
Hello John:

Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading it and about all the new things coming down the pike with Carnival. My brother, niece, and her boyfriend, and I will be going on another Carnival cruise, May 26 from Miami. We loved our first cruise on Carnival last year. This will be my ninth cruise (second on Carnival) but I have always cruised on the Carnival family of companies. We appreciate the low-key atmosphere and the great ports – including Grand Turk! What a wonderful time we had there. We’ve had a rough year as a family as my 80-year-old mother has been ill due to a brown recluse spider bite. My brother, Mick, who will be sharing a cabin with me, has been her primary caretaker. This cruise will be his first chance to get away from the responsibilities of caring for her. I was wondering if there is something special you could do for him? We will be on the Carnival Liberty (can’t wait to try Guy’s place!) in stateroom 6395. I appreciate anything you could do John. I hope to one day cruise with you.

Sincerely,

Nancy Zeman

John says:
Hello Nancy Zeman

Goodness me, I think the words “spider bite” will terrify many reading this and I send my best wishes to Mum and I will indeed send him something.

I hope you can all relax and have fun together and I wish you the best of times.

John

Martin Mays asked:
John,

I just wanted to take a minute and recognize one of the Carnival staff for doing an outstanding job and going above and beyond what I would consider his normal job. His name is Aaron Johnson and he’s a personal vacation planner. My family and I have been booking our cruise vacations through him for the last few years and no matter what questions or issues we may have, he has always been available to us even on his days off. He’s always been extremely friendly and courteous and goes out of his way to make sure our vacations are hassle free. I’ve referred him to many friends and they all have said the same thing. Please pass this up or down the chain so his supervisors know what a great job he does.

Thank you.

Martin Mays

John says:
Hello Martin Mays

It is always wonderful when we read of the shoreside people who have worked hard to make sure the arrangements for your cruise have been taken care of in a special way. I will make sure Aaron sees this as will his boss so thanks very much for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Whitney asked:
Hi John!

First and foremost I would like to thank you for the hard work you put in to help all of us. I truly learn so much from your blog and Facebook. It’s also interesting to see into the career
of a cruise director. Seeing the problems you have to deal with makes me happy I’m not in customer service because I know I’m not even half as patient as you are! My question is about excursions. My husband and I are going on our second cruise in May. The place I’ve wanted to visit most since a child is Grand Cayman. I want to see the most that I can, so we booked two excursions through Carnival. The times don’t overlap, but there is only 30 minutes between the time the first is over and the second starts. The second is a trip to Seven Mile Beach which I know is relatively easy to get to without a Carnival excursion, but my husband refuses to do anything yet that is not a Carnival excursion as he’s afraid to miss the boat. I wanted your opinion on if we should cancel our beach excursion and take a taxi to the beach or if we should be fine with doing the two excursions. Thanks John so much for all that you do!! You truly are the best and Carnival is so lucky to have you!

John says:
Hello Whitney

Thanks so much for those kind words and I hope I have written this answer in time because I see you are cruising this month. My apologies for the delay and yes, take the beach excursion because everything is included from your own private chair and umbrella to lunch and, of course, round trip transportation to and from the ship. I hope the skies are blue for your day in Grand Cayman as Seven Mile Beach is amazing and you will have a fantastic time.

Best wishes to you both and I am humbled by your wonderful words.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John

First of all – your blog is fabulous – one of the few things I look forward to each day. We were on the Carnival Magic Mediterranean cruise last August and it was more than wonderful. We wanted to go on the June 3 Carnival Breeze cruise but I need to have surgery – so I’m ready to book either the Sept. 7 or the Sept. 19 Carnival Breeze cruise. Will you and/or Ken Byrne be on the Breeze for either of those cruises? Please let me know.

Love and kisses.

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georige Marino

I hope this reply finds you well following your surgery and I wish you a full and quick recovery and both Ken and I will be on the ship to give you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Joe De Luca asked:
John

New York deserves better than the rust bucket Carnival Miracle. C’mon, Carnival, stop sending the best ships to the ancient nearly-deads in Florida and give us a decent boat. I am Platinum VIP and if Carnival wants my business, then they had better do something and send us a new ship.

John says:
Hello Joe De Luca

Thank you for your loyalty, Joe, and I am sure by now as a Carnival fan, you will know that we are sending the Carnival Splendor to New York next year. However, the Carnival Miracle a truly magnificent ship and is for many their favourite so your description of her is unfounded to be fair mate. Thanks again for your loyalty and I hope we see you on Carnival Splendor.

Best wishes.

John

Pamela Hattaway asked:

Do you know if the ship Carnival Fascination has any AA meetings? My husband heard they have some meetings called Friends of Bill W on some cruises.

Thanks for your help.

Pam

John says:
Hello Pamela Hattaway

Yes indeed, we have Friends of Bill W meetings each and every day on every ship. Please let me know if you need anything and I hope you have a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Jenni Tan asked:

My husband purchased tickets to eat at the steak house restaurant on the Carnival Valor for our 10th wedding anniversary and there was a total lack of vegetarian options for the main course of the meal. I was offered a mushroom dish and that was it and I was severely disappointed and was still charged the $30 even with only one main course to choose from. This has left me very angry and as one of thousands of vegetarians who cruise your ships, I say that you should respect our needs and include more options.

John says:
Hello Jenni Tan

Firstly may I say that I hope you had a fantastic cruise and I wish you many more happy years together. I know that the steakhouse does have a menu which, as the name suggests, is based around dishes made mostly of meat. However, I will let the chef know of your disappointment and ask him to look into the possibility of adding more options for you and other vegetarians. I apologise that you were left disappointed and I do really hope that this aside you had a brilliant time together.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. Thanks to everyone for their comments and questions.

Over the last few days, I have posted some new and exciting features that will appear on the Carnival Breeze and for the most part, they have been received with excitement and with the knowledge that choice is a good thing. If you think back to maybe 10 years ago, there was far much less choice on board and not just in food and entertainment areas either. I remember the days when guests were offered the choice of cash or Sail & Sign and when I was an assistant bar manager the safe would be full of many thousands of dollars. I can only imagine how much cash was onboard by the end of a seven-day cruise. Then, as a CD, I would sit backstage with a huge pile of cash for bingo prizes……….yep, cash was king. I am told that the world is going to be cashless by the year 2050 and that as each year passes, less and less places will accept cash at all.

It’s not that easy though. Not only can’t you use cash on the ship but have you ever tried to last a few days without using cash? I don’t mean sponging off other people. I mean literally not laying a hand on any coins and notes. I tried to pay for the taxi that brought me from the Trieste airport hotel in Monfalcone with my Carnival travel and expense credit card and the driver looked at me as though I had just offered him my gentlemen’s sausage as payment. I guess it does make sense in a way not having to carry dirty old money with you …… right up to the point when you get of a plane and find you need a dollar to pay for a sodding luggage trolley.

And what about tipping? I know many of you like to tip in cash and certainly that’s a great thing but if cash disappears, what about street collections? What will we give the Salvation Army at Christmas and how about street performers they would die of poverty which would be a real shame …..….. Except for those creepy mime artists…………can’t stand them.

Despite a few grumpy comments on Facebook about extra charge items, guest reaction to the Carnival Breeze has been nothing short of sensational and has been met with huge excitement. So I thought we should take a look at what you can have on the Carnival Breeze without paying an extra penny on a 12-day cruise.

Let’s start with shows.
- Four stunning new production shows
- Six different comedians who perform a total of 28 comedy performances
- Three variety entertainers
- A fat bastard of cruise director performs some rubbish comedy, as well.

You can listen and dance to:
- A seven-piece band
- A duo
- Three solo musicians
- Two DJs
- Piano Bar soloist

And some, just some of the many complimentary activities will include:
- Karaoke and Superstar Live Karaoke
- Dance classes
- Trivia contests and games
- Sing a longs
- Deck parties
- The brand new Hasbro, The Game Show.
- 12 movies on the Seaside Theatre big screen
- Movies on the stateroom TV’s
- A library
- The huge water park
- The Serenity deck which, unlike some other lines, is free
- The ropes course
- Basketball/soccer/volleyball court
- Mini golf
- Foosball
- Ping Pong
- Pool tables
- Water aerobics
- Deck games and pool games

Activities and shows and events you pay for……….ummmm………..the Thrill Theatre, laser tag, bingo and babysitting services at Camp Carnival. Did I miss any?

Let’s talk food.

Here is the food that is included in the cost of your cruise
- The Punchliner Comedy Brunch Presented by George Lopez
- Breakfast on lido deck or in the main dining rooms
- Guy Fieri’s brilliant burgers
- The new Comfort Kitchen on Lido
- Blue Iguana Cantina
- The Grand Buffett
- Lunchtime fare in the Serenity area
- Chef’s Choice
- The New York Deli
- Sea Dogs on SportSquare
- Indian Tandoor
- 24 hour Pizzeria
- Mongolian Wok
- Sweet Spot Lido Dessert Bar
- The Taste Bar offering a different pre-dinner on different nights (including sushi from Bonsai Sushi)
- Dinner at early, late or Your Time Dining
- Relaxed dining on Lido including complimentary sushi
- 24 hour coffee, ice tea and lemonade
- Late-night snacks
- Jamaican patties served in the casino from midnight
- And 24-hour free room service

Oh, and we will put a free chocolate on your pillow every night in case you get the munchies.

Here is what you pay extra for:
- Bonsai Sushi
- RedFrog Pub’s snacks at $3.33 each
- Cucina del Capitano – $12 per person
- The Fahrenheit 555 steakhouse – $30 per person
- Drinks, wine, cocktails and specialty coffees

I am sure I may have missed something and yes, we do charge for a few items but when you look at the lists above, I think we offer a brilliant product, don’t you?

Well, the ship is back from its successful sea trials and now Carnival Breeze is at the pier where until May 31, she will remain. More and more Carnival crew are arriving and today we started rehearsals for Hasbro, The Game Show and thank goodness my Sunday boredom has disappeared as the busy times return. There is one other thing I forgot to mention that is at the top of my boredom list…….shopping. Not only is it boring as an art gallery but it means that you will, as a man, end up in a huge argument with your wife or partner You see, it is absolutely bloody impossible for men and women to spend the day shopping without a huge argument breaking out…………unless:

1. He is metrosexual
2. He has been castrated
3. He is dead
4. There is the absolute 100% certainty there will be rumpy pumpy at the end of the trip.

Before I headed to Italy I had a week off, as you know, and one of those days we went shopping for clothes for Heidi because she has nothing to wear for the Carnival Breeze‘s inaugural cruise apart from the 397 dresses and blouses hanging in her closet. I knew even before we went to the Bluewater shopping mall what would happen and I was right because it’s always the same
Heidi will try something on while I stand with Kye waiting…..slowly losing the will to live. Heidi will then come out of the changing room and ask my opinion.

I will say, “I love it.”

Heidi will say, “Really?”

I will say, “Yes, it’s gorgeous, buy it now. Please save my soul so I can get out of this non- air-conditioned over-lit hell hole. Yes, I really like it. No, I am not just saying that. It’s the best sodding dress I have ever seen in my life. If you don’t want it I will have it and wear it on the stage for the handover ceremony. Please for the love of God, just BUY THE SODDING DRESS!”

Of course, she won’t. Kye and I will be forced to visit another 107 shops……then go back to the first one…….and buy it. And that is exactly what happened. Oh, FFS!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

However, there was another situation which happened last week that really has me thinking I am just a few steps away from the Pearly Gates. We had some friends over to the house to celebrate Heidi’s birthday and while we sat eating some fabulous Indian take-out one of our friends said, “Have you decided in your will to be buried or cremated?” Now our friends are all the same age as me or Heidi so let’s put that into perspective shall we. That’s a group of people aged 38 – 48 talking about death while chomping on some chicken tika masala. And do you know what? Everyone seemed eager to talk about this as they would who was shagging who on Desperate Housebitches of New Orange County or cars! One of my mates knew a lot on this subject. He knew that the world is running out of space to bury our dead and that in Japan, 99 percent are cremated. He also said that one cemetery in London is burying people on top of a stranger who had been buried hundreds of years ago. Bugger that. No way do I want to be laid to rest on top of some chap that died of syphilis or the plague.

Since this conversation at dinner I have been giving a lot of thought to this whole buried or cremated thing. I know some of you may have religious reasons to do one or the other and I respect that of course. I, on the other hand, have been in a bit of a quandary. I used to think that when I die I want to be buried, because if I am lucky enough to go to heaven (which will be based on the fact that I send people strawberries and trophies), it’ll be hard to enjoy its wonderful brilliance if I’ve been cremated. I guess I mean that you’re never going to have rumpy pumpy with a Latvian angel if you look like the contents of a vacuum cleaner. However, one thing keeps playing over and over in my mind and that was a movie I saw many years ago. It starred Peter Cushing and was part of the old Hammer House of Horror movies. All I can remember were the fingers of bodies were attached to a rope that would ring a bell if they moved meaning they had been buried alive. Bugger that and therefore its cremation for me and this is my will and testament. Throw me on the fire and scatter my ashes at sea……..leaving just a small handful to sprinkle on H82seaugo’s chocolate melting cake.

Time for some Q and A……..here we go.

Luis Garcia asked:
Hello John.

I make no apologies in saying how angry and disappointed I am with Carnival’s decision to take the Carnival Splendor away from California and not give us another boat in its place. Californians are wonderful people who love to cruise and yet we are being punished, why!!!!!!!  As a police officer working the streets of LA I have the toughest and most stressful job in the world and am not paid enough to be able to afford to fly to Florida to take a cruise. I have done three with Carnival and there won’t be a 4th thanks to your bad management decisions.

John says:
Hello Luis Garcia

First of all, I thank you for your service as a police officer and thank you for taking the time to write and express your opinion. We have, as you said, decided to reposition the Carnival Splendor to New York after her South America voyages and replace her with the Carnival Miracle West Coast next spring to operate our Mexican Riviera, Alaska and Hawaii cruises. We realize that many people really loved the Carnival Splendor but the Carnival Miracle is truly spectacular as well.  We also have the beautiful Carnival Inspiration to enjoy from Long Beach. I truly hope there will be a fourth cruise.

Best wishes and stay safe.

John

Melissa Bergamin asked:
Hello John,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a while now and had mixed feelings about sending you this message, but I’ve decided it’s for the greater good – being the sanity of my cruising partner aka my mum. We are booked on the Carnival Miracle this summer (July 25) and we are very excited. This will be her eighth Carnival cruise and my fifth. Part of the reason for this mother-daughter cruise is because I have moved overseas to teach. I worked in China last year, and this year I have been living and working in Cairo, Egypt. I will also be returning to Egypt for next year. My time home is limited and we decided one way to maximize was to take a Carnival cruise together. I’m hitting two of my favourite stops (St. Thomas and Grand Turk) and we have booked a balcony. Now to the point of this rather long winded essay, I have promised my mum that I will indeed FORCE myself to relax with her. In the past, my idea of a cruise vacation was wake up, hit every activity humanly possible, and then add three more… I tend to tire people out when I just explain to them the course of my average cruise day.  Whatever, part of my addiction to action on Carnival is the hunt for the coveted SOS.  I get quite moody until I win one (not in front of other passengers, just my mum) and so I was hoping to save her sanity and to help me keep my promise of relaxing with her, you could help me out by sending me a SOS or arranging for me to be able to purchase one. I can already see her rolling her eyes at me and telling me to “relax” …….. and as I love her to bits, I would do anything within my power to make her happy and thank her. I understand if you cannot help me out, but I figured I would ask. I owe my mum’s sanity that much. Thank you for all you do, and the hours of entertainment combined with information you’ve provided on your blog.

A fan of your fun ship feature,

Melissa

John says:
Hello Melissa Bergamin

People take cruises for many different reasons and one of the common reasons is to take time for themselves and be able to relax and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. I can see that you are really ready to do just that and I am sure that the crew will make sure they serve and entertain you and take your worries away. I will be happy to send you a trophy as requested and hope that you can write to me here on June 25 or a few days before you sail on my Facebook page so that I don’t forget. I wish you both a wonderful time.

Best wishes

John

Brenda asked:
Hi John

We have sailed with you twice now on the Carnival Freedom in the Med and this past summer on the Carnival Magic in the Med. We are currently Platinum with 22 cruises (my 10 yr old has 22 cruises too!).  How will this work with the new loyalty program. We are only three cruises from Milestone with three future cruises booked (Dec. 2012 July 2013 and Dec 2013).  How close do we have to be to be grandfathered into the milestone program?  This will be a real bummer if we miss it and we are this close! Please let me know. Lastly, will you be on the Legend in the Baltic in 2013? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Brenda

I am getting lots of questions like this and it is quite understandable, of course. We are now just a very short time away from announcing the new loyalty program and the four different levels that this will be based on. Looking at the fact that you are this close to Milestone and with three cruises booked you should have no worries or concerns about you getting the top level. More details to come soon and yes indeed, I will see you on the beautiful Carnival Legend.

Best wishes and thanks for your brilliant loyalty.

John

Linda Shearing asked:

We have a big Cruise Critic roll call for the Carnival Dream cruise of 5/19/12. I expect 100 will attend so we need the piano bar on the Sunday sea day at 1:30pm -3:30pm. I have written to you before on your blog but did not get a response so I hope you will respond this time! Can we also have bar service?

John says:
Hello Linda Shearing

I am sorry I have not responded to you before but I am glad I saw this in time for me to be able to arrange this. I cannot promise you the piano bar as this may have been taken by a group already or indeed used for a ship’s function. However, I will make sure that it is arranged and that the location and time appears in the Fun Times and that a bar waiter attends to take individual drink orders. I hope you all have a fantastic cruise and enjoy meeting new friends.

Best wishes.

John

Elizabeth Windfelder asked:

HELP, I can’t decide! Which would you choose? 7/9/12 or 7/21/12 sailing on Carnival Breeze from Barcelona?

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Windfelder

I am sure thanks to my lateness of reply that you have probably decided what to do already. If not and having had a look at both I would suggest the 7/21 sailing……oh hold on…….no….the 7/9 sailing……oh bugger. I am, obviously, of no use here because both are brilliant voyages and I hope regardless that I see you this summer. I am sorry I couldn’t be of much use here but I promise that if you have other questions I will give you more complete answers.

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
Hi John

Have a question, will you be doing a live report from Carnival Destiny‘s extreme makeover in Italy next year. And why did Carnival feel it necessary to change her name? Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul

I will indeed be with the film crew at the yard and reporting on her amazing dry dock. I can understand that there are those who having cruised on her as the Carnival Destiny have a special connection with her. This upcoming refit is by far the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken and will totally transform the Carnival Destiny. With such dramatic changes, it just made sense to rename the ship. Once everyone sees the incredible transformation she will undergo that the name Carnival Sunshine will be absolutely applicable. She will be a ship reborn.

Best wishes.

John

Janice Travelli asked:

Have just returned from the Pride which was my 10th cruise. The platinum VIP gift we got was the beach bag/backpack and compared to the gift we receive as a diamond VIP with RCI it leaves a lot to be desired. It looks cheap and what is someone of my age (62) supposed to do with a bag like this. On RCI I got a beautiful crystal paper weight and a lovely T-shirt. Just saying!

John says:
Hello Janice Travelli

I am surprised to read that you did not like the bag as I have heard nothing but positive reports about it from other guests. We will be changing the gift again when the new loyalty program is introduced and, of course, I hope we will see you for cruise number 11 so that you can enjoy it.

Best wishes

John

Rona asked:

I have watched videos of you and Calvin and I have to say you two are like Laurel and Hardy. So funny together.

John says:
Hello Rona

The problem there is that one of them was skinny! Seriously, thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and to be compared with the greatest double act ever is amazing. I will post more videos of us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martin Stansfield asked:

I am just off the Carnival Triumph and was not impressed. I detected an overall vibe of boredom and depression from the staff. The cleaning staff/housekeeping appeared to be from the Philippines or Indonesia. They never smiled and said hello in the halls, but it was unusual to come across so many foreign staff. The front desk had a very poor attitude each time I went there to complain. In general, the presence of so many immigrant workers (many Indians, Bulgarians, etc made up the wait staff), gave me an odd impression. I suppose you don’t hire American crew because outsourcing labor is cheaper, is this the reason Mr. Heald?

John says:
Hello Martin Stansfield

Well, let me start by saying that I am shocked that you should say that the crew were unfriendly as that is something that we very rarely hear and I will make a point of sending your comments to the ship’s senior management. Like most cruise lines, we hire talented people from all over the world and in fact at Carnival more than 100 nationalities are represented. We take a great deal of pride in having the friendliest crew at sea and all crew undergo training to hone their hospitality skills. I do hope that there were many aspects of the cruise that you did enjoy.

Best wishes

John

Jon Heller asked:
Hey John,

I was just wondering since I had been on the Carnival Magic a few weeks ago and thought you were a great cruise director. I was wondering if you were scheduled to be on the Breeze next year during the departure date of 2.16.2013. Let me know if you will be because either way we are booking this cruise. Had so much fun on the magic, can’t wait for the Carnival Breeze and Carnival Sunshine

John says:
Hello Jon Heller

Thanks for those wonderful words and yes indeed, I will be there as I am hosting the Bloggers Cruise in January and intend to stay on through February and March. I am so glad you had fun and hope we see each other next year.

Best wishes.

John

Laura Welk asked:
Hey John,

My friends and I are sailing in May this year and I had some questions about bringing our own liquor onboard. When I sailed with CCL the first time, we didn’t bring anything, the second time we brought a bottle of wine in our luggage and they confiscated it and we got it back the last night. Now, I have heard some conflicting things, some say you can bring liquor on in your carry on and are allowed one bottle per person, others say you can only bring in wine and are

allowed one bottle per person and some say you cannot bring it at all. I completely understand not being allowed to bring it on at all and seeing how CCL would like our liquor purchased from them. But since we are cruising in a few months I thought I would ask, mostly out of curiosity from all the mixed answers I have gotten. Hope this email finds you well and you have been enjoying yourself on the bloggers cruise. I enjoy your blog and Facebook updates immensely!

Thanks in advance!

Laura

John says:
Hello Laura Welk

I am sorry that this has been confusing and it looks like we (I) need to do a better job in getting the right information out. You can indeed bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on the ship in your carryon bag and if you decided to take this to the dining room there will be a corkage fee for the waiter to serve it. I hope this is OK and if you have any further questions please let me know.

Best wishes and thanks so very much for the very kind words.

John

That’s all for today.

So here I am writing to you once again and before I forget may I thank Michelle and Mary who despite not having beards have done a wonderful job answering questions for me during my time at home with the girls. Talking of which, saying goodbye to Kye gets harder and harder and tugs at my heart strings to the point that tears run down my fat ugly face. I doubt it will ever get easier, will it?

So here I am in Italy, writing to you from the Carnival Breeze. Well, actually I am in the yard office which Carnival uses when we have a new ship being built. It is very warm here and there is no air conditioning or if there is it is being provided by an asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. The ship looks brilliant and let me say straight away that Gerry and the beards have hit a huge home run here. Yep, she is a slam dunk, touchdown……ummmmm…….hit for six (cricket reference) vessel that I have no trepidation in saying is our very best yet. Once again the brilliant people here at Fincantieri are making a brilliant vacation home. What they do here is nothing short of amazing and in one month as we head to the Mediterranean and talk becomes of RedFrogs, BlueIguanas and Cucinas, it’s easy to forget that men and women built this ship.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the ship will leave the Monfalcone shipyard for a two day sea trial. She has passed all her previous sea trials with flying colours and talking to the Chief Engineer Antonio this morning he expects everything to be just perfect. Now in the days ahead I will have video interviews with all the senior officers which I hope you will enjoy.

There is only a skeleton crew from Carnival here with the department heads getting ready to welcome their crew over the next few days. Yesterday, 10 huge trucks arrived with supplies as diverse as trashcans to uniforms. The operation is continuous and the huge warehouse is filling up slowly with all our supplies. Move on date for the supplies is May 8 and the move on date for the crew to join is May 15. Now I mentioned uniforms because the Carnival Breeze will have new uniforms for all the crew. Yep, all of them from waiters to state room stewards from Camp Carnival staff to photographers, everyone will have the new look and I will show you just how they look in the days ahead. The new uniforms will then move across the fleet and I think the crew is going to love them. Especially happy is the entertainment staff whose new day uniform means they no longer look like they are delivering you a large pepperoni pizza.

The entertainment staff arrived yesterday as did cruise director extraordinaire Butch Begovitch.

He will be teaching the staff the 2.0 deck parties and hosting the first cruise Hasbro, The Game Show activities as I won’t have time to do the rehearsals etc. It will be great to have him with me. I know you are all anxiously awaiting more photos of the ship but as all the areas are still being worked on I shall wait a few more days until you can see her in all her undoubted glory.

Yesterday we announced all the brilliant food items for the Carnival Breeze and just in case you missed it, here is the announcement as written by our great friend from PR, Mr. Vance Gulliksen.

NEW FULL-SERVICE SUSHI RESTAURANT, OUTDOOR BBQ VENUE AMONG TANTALIZING ARRAY OF CUISINE CHOICES ON CARNIVAL BREEZE

And as mentioned there is a contest ongoing and here is Everett the Beard with a reminder about that.

One of the worst things about Facebook is that sometimes you’ll read a friend’s status update and it’s so inane you just want to… I don’t know, throw a handful of pico de gallo at them. But then it just ends up dripping down your monitor and keyboard, you have to clean it up yourself* and the person doesn’t even know — the gesture was meaningless, and you are now sad.

Carnival doesn’t want to see you sad, so we created the BlueIguana Cantina Fight for Your Appetite Sweepstakes!

Here’s how this works: we’ve made a Facebook page where you can not only learn more about some of the foods offered at BlueIguana Cantina, vote for your favorite dishes, enter to win an awesome Carnival Breeze cruise for two with airfare… and naturally, throw digital food at someone else’s Facebook wall. (It’s both therapeutic and thoughtful!)

So let your mate’s wall have it… then get ready to Facebook message them to beg their forgiveness when they win the free cruise for two. Enter here so maybe you’ll win instead.

*Dishwashers are actually a great way to clean keyboards. Seriously. Look it up.

So lots of food glorious food and let’s start with sushi. Now, there were some grumbles from a few that we are charging for this so let me just repeat what I said on Facebook that we continue to offer free sushi on Lido and sushi is also included among the many offerings within The Taste Bar complimentary appetizer program.

The Bonsai Sushi bar looks fantastic and the new sushi recipes from $1 a plate will be a massive bargain and that the huge sushi boat for 2 for just $15 will be very popular as well I am sure.   Bonsai Sushi is a totally new concept for us with a more extensive menu and upgraded quality along with  sake and Japanese beer, in a fabulous new setting with a dedicated seating area.

Now while many of you are probably huge Sushi lovers and are very excited about the new sushi restaurant here on the Carnival Breeze I have to tell you I am not a fan of sushi. Yes, I hear you saying that it’s the “ultimate healthy fast food.” But it’s just not for me. My wife loves sushi and she wishes I would love it too, bless her little Dutch clogs. She doesn’t want me to die or to get fatter, so when I am home she keeps me on a diet of mashed vegetables, muesli and grilled sodding chicken. It is kind and loving of her to do so, but sometimes I look at our refrigerator shelves full of Greek yogurt and falafel and skimmed milk and olive spread, and I feel like crying. And when she isn’t with me on the ship there is no doubt that I will bypass the Bonsai Sushi restaurant and head to deck 10 and sink my teeth into a Guy Fieri burger with melted cheese, a crispy onion ring, lashings of bacon bits and even his very own special mayonnaise.

One of the more exciting elements of the Carnival Breeze involves the existing Lanai barbecue which has a new menu and will be called Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ. Now I can tell you that this was named after one of the most brilliant people I have ever met — our soft spoken, sports loving family man and Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Jim Berra. I have to say that I have never heard anyone call him “Jimmy” and that he isn’t fat………. if he is fat ten if they named the barbecue after me it would have to be called “Morbidly Obese Really Huge Fat Bastard Johnny’s BBQ.”

Anyway, I digress. Jim or Jimmy as I shall from here on in call him, has done so much and will do so much for this company and its right and just that we name this dining venue after him. He loves barbecue and has had a big say in the menu which we will talk about in a moment. Now I love barbecue food and yet while it’s OK to accept invitations to other people’s barbecues and its going to be brilliant on the Lanai on the Carnival Breeze, never, ever host one yourself. Throwing barbecues is for plonkers and guaranteed by the time it’s over to make you hate your friends forever.

It never looks like it does on TV where the host smiles warmly from behind his barbecue as friends and family lie back drinking and laughing in his garden. This is bollocks! You become hot, stressed and you begin to despise those having fun around you in your garden eating your food, drinking your booze all while you slave over a barbecue so hot that your face morphs into a melted latex glove. The only time people come near the BBQ host is with fake offers of help which, of course you must politely refuse. Then your now ex-friends will make patronsing remarks such as, “You’re doing a great job, chef!” This is the point where you have to restrain yourself from shoving a chicken leg up their arse and stabbing them in the eye with that big barbecue fork thingy. Yes, I hate barbecues, especially when I’m doing all the work.

But I love Fat Jimmy’s and just look at the menu. We will offer a mouth-watering array of grilled favorites, including barbecued chicken breast, kielbasa, Fat Jimmy’s signature item, pulled pork sandwiches, along with traditional sides like baked beans, potato salad, coleslaw and mini-corn muffins.

The Carnival Breeze is brilliant and as I walked around the ship with Gerry Cahill and his entourage I tried to put my mind into “guest mode” to try find something to complain about something — anything — about which I could complain. And all I could come up with is that some of the stools on the lido deck restaurant are a little high and some older guests may struggle to get on them. The ship has new designers who have incorporated cool crisp blues and relaxing yellows both in the public spaces and the staterooms.

So join me here and on Facebook as I tell you more about the Carnival Breeze, our best ship yet and the ultimate expression of fun!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

On Facebook in February, I think it was, we were all talking about PA announcements. If you remember we were asking if the cruise directors made too many and if they were too long and if guests should be able to hear them in the cabins or not. We are currently working on a fleetwide standard for the CD’s to make sure that they are informative, fun and not too long. I will, of course, let you know about this soon. One thing that seems to be pretty unanimous is that you don’t want to hear them in the cabins unless it is something of great importance which is, of course, our current policy. What we really need is a switch that can give guests an option to turn the announcements on or off in the cabin making sure that the switch was over ridden when and if an emergency announcement had to be made but that’s something we just don’t have. I can tell you that each ship as of April 1 this year now has an audio channel on the cabin TV’s. This will have a rundown of the day’s events so if you don’ want to read the Fun Times then all you need to do is turn the TV on to the audio channel and the assistant cruise director or an entertainment staff member will read the highlights of the day. This was introduced originally for our guests who were sight impaired but we noticed many other guests appreciated this as well so that’s now on all the ships.

Using the PA system is not easy and the trick I think is to use it as an entertainment tool and have fun amongst the announcement for the gift shop’s Inch of Gold sale or bingo. I have sailed on Cunard, Princess and P&O ships and outside of an announcement for the shows, the CD makes no announcements, none at all really. Is that a good thing? I am not sure. Certainly, announcements tell our guests what’s going on at different venues throughout the ship but I am sure there are some guests who would prefer none at all. The task is to find a happy medium, of course. Now it’s not just cruise ships that use the announcements. Back in January, I traveled to Liverpool to hire some British comedians for the Carnival Breeze and the PA system was used constantly. Every time we pulled away from a station a bored, rather sad voice announced that we are on a train……going to Liverpool……that food and drink was available from the buffet car…..he then went on to tell us that a cup of tea was £2…a coffee…£2…..a cheese and ham sandwich … £2…… in fact everything was £2…..except my ticket which was the price of a sodding three-day cruise.

Then, three times during the three-hour journey we were warned to look out for explosive devices and if you find one, not to be a hero and try to defuse it yourself but to let the conductor know where and he will halt the train and run away screaming. Here are some of the others I made a note of:

“First-class areas are for first-class ticket holders only.” Duh.

“This station is monitored by 24-hour CCTV.” Well, you’ve given the game away there you
idiot.

“I’m sorry for the late-running of your service. This is due to the late-running of the previous service”…I am going to use this one the next time we start embarkation late.

There are times when we don’t use the PA system enough. I had a complaint from someone recently that we had closed the pool on the last sea day. Some guests were claiming that we had done this because we had scheduled maintenance for this sea day, which we would, of course, never do. The real reason was that someone had had an accident in the pool and this meant that we had to ……..and excuse the pun…….dump the water. The problem was that the CD had not informed the guests and he didn’t do so because there is no protocol for this, until now. It has been decided that we will let guests know when this happens over the PA system. And the words that the high visibility jacket wearing beards have instructed the CD’s to say over the PA system in the rare event we have to close the pool are; “Ladies and gentlemen, I am very sorry to let you know that we have had to close the pool this morning as there has been some human spillage.”

“Human spillage?” Sorry, but that’s far too PC for me. We should be saying:

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We have, unfortunately, had to close the main pool because Mr. Thomas Runnybottom has dropped a Hummer-sized turd in the pool. A fruit basket and a solid gold plastic ship on a stick to any guest who retrieves it.”

Time for some non-toilet Q and A. Here we go…

Trina Simmonds asked:
John,

We just returned from a cruise on the Carnival Conquest, our first with Carnival. One of the highlights of any cruise is the sailing from the port which was ruined because the captain decided to sail just as we had started the boat safety drill. We were forced to stand there for an hour and miss the whole sailing experience. This is not happened to me with Royal Caribbean or with Disney and my family and I were not impressed by this.

John says:
Hello Trina Simmonds,

I posted this on Facebook yesterday because I wanted to see if other guests had witnessed this recently and many haven’t. We know how important the sailaway experience is to our guests and sometimes it’s beyond our control and on the orders of the pilot or because of needing to get to our first port on time we do sail during the safety briefing. As I said, for the most part we don’t and I hope the next time you sail with us that the drill will be completed before the ship sails. I do hope that you had a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Tammye asked:
Dear John,

We are a family in law enforcement, my husband has been on the department and serving for 25 yrs now. We are on cruise #11 with Carnival and we have often asked the question with no one ever answering. Why does Carnival not offer discounts to police officers or firemen? I was beginning to think CCL just didn’t like police officers! The other cruise lines do offer us discounts like they do for military personnel. We love Carnival and have kept loyal by sailing with you. In fact, my husband and I cruise again this year on Carnival Spirit April 28 (excited to see her after her work!). So please do pass this request on to the beards in charge. Our men and women who serve to protect our citizens every day on the streets in our cities deserve this break as well. Thank you for listening, John.

John says:
Hello Tammye,

First of all let me thank you for the service that your husband and all police officers and firefighters give and all of us at Carnival understand that the job they do is extraordinary. We do offer military discounts and in fact I understand it to be one of the best discounts in the industry but you are right, we don’t have similar discounts for police and firefighters. I will send this to the beards in charge but please let me again thank our police and firefighters who do brilliant work to protect their communities. Please let me know when your husband sails with us again so I can send him something as a show of our appreciation.

Best wishes.

John

Luke asked:
Good evening, John.

I was just reading through some comments on this blog and realized that I am always just reading and never replying. I wanted to let you know that my wife, six-year-old and I cruised on the Legend last September and it was wonderful. We have done many different types of vacations, but that was our first cruise. Very relaxing, lots of fun and what I would consider a very reasonable cost. We enjoyed it so much that we already booked the same cruise July 22 this year. We also talked my wife’s sister and her family, my wife’s mother and her husband and my mom (we are actually treating my mom, so pretty easy to talk her into it) to come as well. With the insane number of vacation destinations available, you know we had to love it to repeat the same trip. I also would like you to pass on to “Wee Jimmy” and Meagan a very sincere thank you. My daughter called in to answer a trivia question on the morning show and instead they chatted with her for awhile. She sang them the Winnie the Pooh song and was rewarded with a stuffed lion. It really made her feel special. Not many kids on a cruise during the school year so that made a world of difference to her. Thank you for the great job in putting those two in place. I hope that we have a fun CD and assistant CD on our next voyage.

Have a wonderful day.

Luke

John says:
Hello Luke,

It is always great to hear from people who don’t post much especially when they have such wonderful things to say as you did. I have passed your comments onto the ship and to Wee Jimmy who is currently the CD on the Carnival Paradise. Thanks again and I hope that we will see you and your beautiful family on one of our ships very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Christina Paris asked:
Hello John!

I really enjoy your informative and very humorous blog. My daughters and I only started cruising after I lost my husband on 9/11 in the terrorist attack. It’s truly a shame we didn’t go on a cruise together, he would have loved it! Anyway, I have a question regarding the Hasbro Game Show addition to the Fun Ship 2.0. I can’t seem to find out if this show will be included on the Carnival Liberty. We are going on the July 7 sailing to the Eastern Caribbean, and would absolutely LOVE to participate in this game show. On our Canada trip on the Carnival Glory in 2010, I played the “60 Seconds or Less” game show and won! It was so much fun, and that trip on the Glory convinced us to be loyal to Carnival from then on. Thanks in advance for the info, and thanks for listening!

Cheers,

Christina

John says:
Hello Christina Paris,

Please let me start by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. I am sure there are days when you feel so very sad and empty without him by your side and that’s why I hope that the cruise in July will rejuvenate you and your beautiful daughters. We won’t have the game show on the ship then, I am afraid, but I hope you can find some way either here or on my Facebook page to contact me so I can send your girls a prize for being so brave and someone Dad would have been so proud of.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Ian King asked:

I have a question about my cruise because we want a table for three people. The cruise is on the Carnival Imagination on June 6. The reason is that we are very religious people and belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and would rather not be around people who drink and use foul language. I do not know what information you need to achieve this but we are in cabin U107. Thank you.

John says:
Hello Ian King,

I have asked the maître d’ to keep this on file and I know he will do his best to accommodate your request. If possible can you remind me here again but preferably on Facebook if you can two weeks before you sail. Just don’t want to forget. I am sure we can help you out and hope you have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Catherine Manchester-Reynolds asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know that later this week we will be booking to sail with you again this time on the Carnival Breeze and we could not be more excited. I do have one question and that’s about Athens. I see that there are riots there at the moment but we are due to go there on the inaugural cruise. Is it safe and if not what port would you swap it for. Can’t wait to see you again, will Heidi and Kye be with you?

John says:
Hello Catherine Manchester-Reynolds,

It will be wonderful to see you on our new ship and yes indeed my family will be with me. Now as for Athens, well I see you posted this six weeks ago and everything has become much quieter there. Please don’t worry, obviously we won’t send our guests anywhere that may be considered unsafe and we will continue to monitor the situation. See you soon and let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Anthony Sullivan asked:
John,

Love the patter on your blog. I am writing to ask two things. Who is going to be the cruise director on the new ship Carnival Breeze? My daughter and future son in law have recently booked a 12-day Med cruise on this ship. July 23 departure from Barcelona. They are traveling from Vancouver, Canada, and celebrating their honeymoon. Anything you could do to make it special would be appreciated!!

Cheers!

Tony

John says:
Hello Anthony Sullivan,

As you may have just read above it will be me and if they drop me a note at the guest services desk when they board I will be honoured to send your daughter and son in law something to say happy honeymoon.

Best wishes to you all.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hi John,

I have given up trying to get answers from you, but if you read this will you at least pass it on to whoever is in charge of the program? A lot of us who have eight cruises like me, and two more booked, but will not sail before the loyalty program changes, are concerned that after years of trying to attain platinum status, that we will now have to back up and somewhat start over again. Carnival will require 75 points for the second level, where Royal Caribbean requires 30 under their new program. The system based on points accrues twice as fast as Carnival’s. I would hope that since it will take more than one cruise now to make the second level that the least Carnival would be to make one of the perks for second level, which was gold before, VIP check in. Those who have sailed five or six times with Carnival deserve that at least, I have e-mailed Carnival, talked to them on the phone etc, they are nice , but will not give me ANY definite answer as to if I would be “grandfathered” or not to platinum level, since my 2nd booked cruise would put me there under the old system. I really wish you would reply to this, and give me some answers that make sense. Thank you

John says:
Hello John Vanecek,

I know I have not been able to give any details about our loyalty program but I promise I will as soon as I can. All I can do for now is repeat myself and say a huge thank you for your loyalty and repeat the fact that I have been assured that those who are at Platinum level now will not lose their seniority and that those who are “close” will be grandfathered in. Based upon what I do know, and assuming nothing changes between now and the time the new program launches, you will most likely be grandfathered into the new program based on the sailings you have booked. Thanks so much for your understanding and again I hope I am able to tell you more soon.

Best wishes.

John

Bruce Muller asked:

I hope I have a chance to meet you on a cruise because I am very funny like you and want to be a cruise director. I am only 12 but it’s my dream to do but my mom wants me to be a actor and says I would get more money than a cruise director does is this true please

John says:
Hello Bruce Muller,

I hope that you follow your dream and become a cruise director because I bet you would be the best cruise director ever. If you become a famous actor you will have more money and more girlfriends and cars and houses but as a cruise director you will be making people laugh and that’s the best reward in the world. OK, that’s rubbish……..become an actor.

Best wishes.

John

Carla Antiebe asked:

The best employee Carnival has is Ken Byrne. The joy he brings to the dining room each night through his singing and his friendly personality is something that I will never forget. I don’t remember the names of any other maître ds I have had on my seven cruises but Ken is someone I will never forget.

John says:
Hello Carla Antiebe,

He is indeed one of a kind and I promise that he will see this and that the senior management at Carnival does as well.

Best wishes and thanks for this wonderful post.

John

That’s all for today.

OK, let me ask you a question. What is brunch? Not sure? Me neither because I don’t think I have ever said to my family or friends, “Let’s meets for brunch.” Looking at it I think that brunch was invented when enough people thought that breakfast arrived too early and lunch too late. It also suited those who can’t cope with a hot breakfast after waking up, but who love the idea by lunchtime. So basically then…………….brunch is for lazy buggers.

However, one of the new features I am looking forward to seeing on the Carnival Breeze is the Punchliner Comedy Brunch presented by George Lopez. Now this doesn’t mean George himself will be there but what it does mean is that we will have our top comedians entertaining you in five- to six-minute comedy sets while you enjoy a fabulous breakfast/lunch favorites created by our masterful chefs. Now we have started this on the Carnival Miracle already and I have read reports from the guests that it was something they really enjoyed. I know that the comedians were a little nervous about this and, of course, that is understandable, after all it’s hard to be funny to the sound of knives and forks on plates and hoping that people will be able to laugh when they have a huge mouthful of food. But, despite their nerves, I heard that it did indeed go very well and laughter was definitely heard above the chomping. Now this provides yet another great dining and entertainment option to our guests and is a great alternative to the Lido restaurant at lunchtime. In order to do this, we needed to provide you with a brilliant menu, a fun menu that does indeed complement the entertainment………..and you know what? We most obviously did.

Click here to take a look at the menu.

This menu and the comedy performances have already been implemented on the Carnival Miracle and I asked for some feedback from the ship’s senior management. Here is what they had to say.

• Great for late risers, as they can still enjoy eggs and other breakfast favorites
• Great menu – classics and new eats suggested by George Lopez, spicy eggs in the morning are a good treat!
• The shows start the guests off in a good mood for the day
• Additional exposure opportunities for our great comedians
• Comedians and guests enjoy a closer interaction with each other. Comedy-style meet and greet, and guests get involved in the show a bit.
• The shows create a wonderful atmosphere and get people chatting about the comedians.
• The attendance in the dining room has increased during the lunchtime hours with sometimes as much as 700 brunch attendees
• The lines on Lido have reduced, so there is more streamlined service upstairs.
• Brunch is much more appealing with the floating Bloody Mary cart, great touch.
• New uniform aprons for the wait staff. Outfits are more relaxed, and less stuffy.
• Some guests even stop in on the upper level just to see what’s going on, should they wish to look and not eat

I do hope though that while our guests are enjoying the Eggs Benedict that they will give good attention to our comedians because as I mentioned before there was a bit of nervousness on their part when we first approached them with this idea. Working in a dining room is certainly a bit different than a club but they give it their all and from what I’ve heard so far the concept is working fabulously great and the comedians are really enjoying it.

Our-fly on comedians really intrigue me. They fly twice or three times a week and live basically out of a suitcase. I love to laugh though and so often the best comedians die far too young. Peter Sellers, Peter Cook, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and my favourite, a British comedian called Tommy Cooper who literally died on stage. You know, talk to any of our fly-on comics and they will talk to you about the language of war that is often used when talking about comedy. You see, if Al Ernst or Happy Cole or George Solano or I bet even George Lopez does well you and the audience dies. If they have a terrible show, they die, and the audience kills. I wonder if anyone will heckle them during the brunch? Anyway, as you enjoy your brunch and if you laugh, which you will, please don’t spit bits of Huevos Rancheros over Putu the waiter…….he doesn’t like that very much.

Well, that’s all for today. It’s been a great week yet spoiled a little by some awful things said by people who are apparently my “friends” on Facebook. No, not about me, they can say what they like as they are as entitled to an opinion about me as I am about me. Nope, this was an awful attack on someone who had been taken off the Carnival Magic for urgent lifesaving medical attention. And what they said wasn’t even said on my Facebook page yet when someone sent it to me, I realised that there are some people whose morals are lower than a snakes bollocks.

This made me realise that like all entertainers face hecklers so there are hecklers on the World Wide Web, too. I, for one, should accept it with humility which I don’t always do, but more worryingly anyone who becomes even briefly famous or is mentioned on any social media site now risks heckling by faceless “trolls.”

These days children suffer as their Facebook pages are attacked with the kind of bullying that used to go on in the school yard. Yep, these last days I have once again realised that it’s a troll world we live in and parents like me are going to have to make sure we teach our kids…….. how to have a very thick skin.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But Mr. Romney is like most politicians, my British Prime Minister David Camaboring included. They are bunch of people who go to bed at 10pm, only drink Evian water, never try to look up their secretary’s skirts and have to resign if they even think about looking at some Latvian bottoms on the Internet. We are therefore governed by bores and people with the personality of a washing machine. Why is this good idea? No one says of their friends, “I chose them because they are all so kind to animals and they do good works.” We like people who like to laugh, to have fun, to break the rules once in a while……or is that just me.

Trouble is, it’s hard to find people like that anymore . . . you see, times are changing and we have to change with them.

When I head to the Carnival Breeze I will not be able to smoke something that has been rolled on the thigh of a voluptuous Cuban lady because crew are no longer allowed to smoke in guest areas. Yes, I will probably cheat that law in the wee small hours of a Venice morning, not because I think I am better or more deserving than other crew but because……….well……..I need one when stress hits me and I will take my Monte Cristo into a dark place light it up. I shouldn’t but I probably will.

I still remember that when I used to smoke in the much missed by me cigar bars I would get looks of pure hatred and utter amazement from guests as though I was sitting there naked with a Shiatsu on my lap. And this brings me to my hero.

While Cameron, Romney and Obama may be excellent politicians and may be doing some good for their country they are boring, just my opinion but that’s what I think. Imagine then if we had someone like Winston Churchill in power today. A cigar smoker. A big, big drinker. A man given to saying what he felt in parliament with great quotes like ” I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Brilliant!

But sadly a politician like this, under the glare of the paparazzi and the press ………he wouldn’t last a week.

It’s the same for all of us. You can be ostracized by your neighbors for putting your refuse in the wrong-colored trash can, you can have your car vandalized if it has four-wheel drive and doesn’t have the word Hybrid on it, and slapping the back of your kid’s legs if after he has super-glued his sister’s face to the television and painted and painted his Grandfather’s false teeth black is guaranteed to get you 5 years hard labor.

As a Cruise Director, I have to not smoke in public, sit up straight, watch what joke I say in case I offend anyone of any age, any sex, any religion, any creed, any color, any nationality, any height, any weight, of any……well……..thing . It’s hard. That’s why when I am on vacation, I smoke a cigar every day and tell all the jokes I could never tell on the ship to my Mum and Dad…….they particularly like the one about H82Seaugo, the Nun and the Elephant.

There is obviously a time and a place for it but I do worry that naughty behavior is being erased from society, and that unless the trend can be reversed, somehow we’ll all have to go through life like those Stepford Wives………..robotic and all programmed to do the right thing all the time.

I yearn sometimes when I encounter man like Mr. Romney with his perfect hair and who has, before heading to an interview with Wolf Blister, spent hours in front of the mirror maneuvering each hair into place like a Marine drill sergeant . I just want to creep up behind him and go “woohoo” and using both my hands mess hair up so badly it looks like he has just had a cattle prod shoved up his bottom.

Politics, like Cruise Directors need to be characters but I guess these days we will never see a true character ever again, someone like Churchill who smokes, laughs, drinks and swears and doesn’t care what people thought because he knew that he was a bloody good politician and brilliant leader. And he is on my dream cigar smoking list, people I would love to share a cigar with and along with Winston Churchill I would invite Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Angelina Jolie ( yes she smokes cigars ) and as I am bringing a beautiful woman to our cigar party I had better invite Bill Clinton too.

By the way, tomorrow I have a call with the beards to try and sell my idea of a cigar lovers cruise. I will let you know what happens.

Time for today’s Q and A………….off we go

Lisa Wann asked:

I need to know about the gondola weight limit. The website says 250 pounds and I am 300 plus pounds and my partner is also the same weight and we want to know if i will be banned from going. My partner is very upset that we won’t be able to go and I think it’s very bad that carnival should discriminate against heavy people in this way. What arrangements can be made for me to go and we are on the July 9 sailing of breeze. I should warn you that I am a senior member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (Naafa) and I will be addressing your answer with them. As an obese person yourself Mr. Heald I am surprised that you don’t stand up for our rights more. I hope to receive a favorable response.

Lisa Wann

John says:
Hello Lisa Wann,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope you are looking forward to the cruise on our beautiful new Carnival Breeze. The weight limit is variable because we do put 4 people in the gondola on our fantastic and very romantic night time gondola ride. This means that if there is just 2 of you and it’s going to be a total of 600 pounds it may be difficult. Now obviously it is not Carnival that sets these rules but the gondoliers themselves as they have to manage the boats. The best thing here I think is to see me onboard and let me make a call to the tour operator and see if any arrangements can be made. I won’t promise but I will promise to do my best for you.

Best wishes,

John

Julie Wasson asked:
John,

I am getting nervous because the new loyalty program hasn’t been release.
In 3/12 I will have 8 cruises and I have my 9th cruise booked for 10/12. Also, I’m planning #10 on the Dream for 2/13. How is the loyalty program going to affect me. I’m been dreaming of the day that I will have VIP status and I don’t want a new program to take it away from me.

Thanks!

John says:
Hello Julie Wasson,

First of all my apologies for the delay in responding as I can see you have just completed your ninth cruise which I hope was fantastic for you and loads of fun. Please don’t worry, you will have your number of cruises grandfathered into the new loyalty levels and I will have information on this as soon as I can. Thanks for your continuing loyalty and if you have any other concerns please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Taylor Esplin asked:
Hello John,

We met on a cruise on the Splendor and I know you met lots of people but hopefully you will remember my husband Neil as the 6 foot 10 man you had on stage with you and who you called Lofty each day. You called him for the weather forecast on your morning show as you said he would be the first to know what the weather was doing LOL. The reason I am writing is… that we will be joining you again on Breeze in July and I have a dreaded dress code question. My husband likes to wear dress shorts and a nice golf or polo shirt for dinner and I thought this was acceptable. But now I am told by someone that this is not allowed. Please can you help confirm as packing is this gal’s nightmare and I want to make sure I pack the right things. We dress up on formal night but love to stay casual on non formal night but dont want to offend anyone. Thanks John. Neil and I are very excited to see you again and we have even booked a suite this time.

John says:
Hello Taylor Esplin,

How can I forget you? What a star your husband was and I will do my best not to pick on him this time…………..but will probably fail:)

I am very excited that you are sailing and you will love the Carnival Breeze and please don’t worry about the dress shorts, they are more than fine on casual nights. I actually posted this on my Facebook page last night and the comments were mostly all to say that nobody would be offended. So, pack accordingly and I will see you both soon. I wonder how the weather will be.

Best wishes to you both

John

John Eldard asked:
John,

Just returned from the Victory cruise and my wife and I agree it was the best of our 9 cruises. The Victory crew is the best. They are happy, helpful, and extremely friendly and hard working. Everywhere we went on ship we were greeted with smiles, hellos, and use of our first names to greet us. Thank you very much for the bubbly and strawberries in our stateroom.
They were delicious.

Karl with a K recognized our name during a drawing and came over to talk to us. He also made a special effort to see how we were doing each time he saw us. He is doing a great job. A few others doing great jobs were our stateroom steward and assistant Lindon and Budi. Our room was spotless and always full of towel animals. One of the things Carnival does that they need to keep on doing are the towel animals and mints on the pillows at night.

Our Waiter and Assistant Waiter Rama and I Nyomon went the extra mile to make sure our meals were a special occasion. And the entertainment by the waiters made our cruise.
Our Bar Steward in the dining room Ediz made sure my Caffeine Free Diet Coke was sitting at the table when we got the the dining room and was such a pleasant guy to talk to.

Victory has a great crew and itinerary and many people we talked to agreed.
This was a FABULOUS cruise. Thank you for making it special with the stateroom bubbly and strawberries. We are hooked on Carnival. The Victory is our kind of ship. The new ones are too Las Vegas like and lose the ship feel. We like lots of deck space and the feel of a ship not a Las Vegas Casino.

Thanks again

John says:
Hello John Eldard,

Thanks so much for this brilliant review and I know that the Carnival Victory crew will be thrilled when they see this. She is a ship that maybe does not get the praise she deserves so a huge thank you to you for taking the time to write this. I hope we do see you again very soon and I am here if there is anything you need.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

John

Bradley Isbell asked:
Hi John,

We just arrived back from a great weekend aboard the Carnival Elation.
Excellent service as always. This was number 5 – ready for platinum status!

I just wanted to mention the show “Win” aboard the Elation. We brought several new cruisers with us this time and we sorta embarrased at how terrible “Win” was. We have been bragging on everything Carnival but this show left a lot to be desired. Just felt thrown together. We have been on the Dream, among others, and the shows have always been excellent. Not sure what happened with this one.

Otherwise – great as always!

Thanks, next stop Europe!

Bradley

John says:
Hello Bradley Isbell,

Thanks for yet another great review. Win is a show that involves an audience member and I know while most of the guests really enjoy it some do not as I discovered on the Carnival Magic and I will certainly pass on your comments to those in charge of show production. I do hope you had fun and I hope to see you in Europe.

Best wishes,

John

Alistair Pethan asked:

I have read on the cruise boards how children on your ship ares running riot and spoiling the experiencing for everyone who does not travel with children. I think Carnival should be listening to what is said about this and provide a ship that is child free or at least apply a curfew for all children. This seems to be the opinion of the majority.

John says:
Hello Alistair Pethan,

Carnival will not be moving away from our policy of encouraging families to sail with us. I do want to reiterate that while we do have some naughty children at times your description of “running riot” is a bit harsh. Most of the time the children we have onboard are well behaved and cared for by the superb children and teen programs we have across the fleet. So while I appreciate your comments please know that we will not be banning children from any of our ships and certainly don’t think a curfew is in order or would be fair to the mostly well behaved kids on the ship. We will continue to work hard as a cruise line to keep any children that are misbehaving inline and more importantly I would hope that the patents whose responsibility it is to make sure this happens will do all they can to make sure their children abide by the rules. I hope you will consider coming onboard soon for a fun for all experience and if you have a follow up please let me know.

Deb asked:
Hi John,

First, let me preface this by saying I love your blog and I am also a Cruise Critic member. I use their tools and connections to make my own cruise experiences better; therefore, I don’t read any of the junk posts that harp on you or anything else.
I’m a firm believer in whatever you get out of an experience depends on what you put into it. Now, to my real point… I have seen several people post questions on your blog about the differences between the way Carnival treats CC members and the way other lines treat them. I have to tell you, I just read a review on CC that exemplfies just how Carnival is losing CC members.

Here’s a link to the post: http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1542521

I know that Carnival excels in other areas (Chef’s Table is exquisite), but reviews like this will make CC readers think twice about booking Carnival over NCL. Anyhow, thought you’d be interested. Cheers. D.

John says:
Hello Deb,

Normally, I don’t respond to posts with links from Cruise Critic but I felt it important to do so this time as this subject keeps cropping up. While I truly appreciate the kind words I can only reiterate what I have said before and that is we at Carnival do not offer the refreshments and drinks etc that the link you gave me talks about. I know that Cruise Critic is a great resource for those who love cruises but we don’t feel that we need to offer anything else short of a lounge for the individual people who have booked to meet. I will happily arrange these meet and greets but the company policy is at that we don’t offer anything else besides that. I know that when time allows the Cruise Director will stop by as well.

Thanks for all the kind words and if you have a follow up to this please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Sandy Dimitrov asked:
Hey John,

First thank you for taking the time to read this. My friend Deidre Hall is an actress on a daytime soap opera. Her friend Lynne is also well known to many. They both have written 2 books and are working on a third. my questions are. How could they go about having a book signing event aboard one of the ships out of Long Beach? They may also want to have a private PJ Party one of the nights onboard. Would they be able to have a private area for that? Lastly, they are well known to many and would they be able to have some privacy away from fans and other pax? Do they still have the VIP Suites on the ships? okay…I told them I would make the inquiries for them and let them know. Is there any way to find out pricing? or if it should be a group event/cruise? I remember a couple fan events on the ships before but, didn’t know how they worked. Any help would be much appreciated. thank you for your time. Hope to hear back soon.

John says:
Hello Sandy Dimitrov,

Thank you for getting in touch and I am sure we can help you. I am going to get a colleague to contact you so that we can sort some things out for you and arrange a special cruise for your friends. They will discuss pricing and a lot more with you and then if you need anything else I am here to help you. By the way, my wife loves The Bold and the Desperate. We will work this out for you and hope to see you all on board

Best wishes,

John

Chyrie Barbery Moore asked:

Thank you so much for tracking down my walker. I called the UPS store where the walker is….They tell me I have to pay shipping. I am so sorry, but the porters/workers put the walker on the wrong shuttle and we were not able to find it at the parking area. I feel the company that holds the contracts for the porters should be responsible for this. I was reminded by Sharon at Carnival Guest Care that it was MY responsiblity to see that we had all of property. We tried to find the walker to no avail and thought it had been stolen, but as I was trying to get a report from the port authority, one of the workers said they had seen it in storage. But then, no one, (and I made 31 calls) would return my calls. You kindly helped me locate it. I just don’t understand why we are required to pay the shipping.

Also, and I know you have no control over this, but you can pass it on to the beards….the porter and those workers loading the shuttes at Charleston were extremely rude. On more than one occasion while on my scooter, one of the porters pushed or bumped into my scooter without stopping to apologize or to see if I was okay. Once again, John, thank you for all you have done….if you remember, I am the Santa lady who gave out candy and gifts and it is not my nature to complain. This situation is just frustrating.

Thanks again!!

John says:
Hello Chyrie Barbery Moore,

I was glad to be able to help you find your walker and let me see what I can do re getting it returned to you without charge and I will work on this today. Please leave this with me and I will pass on your comments to the beards as you requested as we don’t accept any kind of rudeness to our guests either on board or in the terminal area.

Best wishes,

John

Traci Candaloni asked:

We sailed on the crossing cruise back to America on Magic and had a good time. What spoiled it for us was the other passengers most who were miserable complainers who made it hell for the crew and spoiled it for my husband and me. My question is that we are considering booking the crossing on the Breeze but we are worried that a similar type of experience will be waiting for us. Are people who book the crossing always so rude and miserable. I hope not as we really want to book this and the last 12 day as well.

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Traci Candaloni,

Thanks for the post and I hope you do book as I intend to be there with you. There is no doubt that the 16 day cruise is a challenge and experience shows that during the 6 days at sea that some do get a bit ummmm……….grumpy. It’s our job onboard therefore to do our best to make sure that they have fun and never get the chance to complain about anything. I will certainly do my best to make sure that this happens and I truly hope that you are there with me.

Best wishes,

John

Victoria Sierra asked:
Hi John!!!

OMG how much fun we have had with you over the years, since then my dad has passed and my mom has Alzheimers:( …she cant cruise anymore so we live through her:) We are booking with Carnival again…they really are the best tried them all and come home to Carnival every time:) We really want to know what ship are you sailing now…that is if you havent got toooo big for ur britches…hahaha..u never know:) But if you are we would be soooo thrilled to see you again!!! You make the cruise!

John says:
Hello Victoria Sierra,

Thanks so much, I am humbled by those words and most importantly I send my deepest sympathies to you and the family at the passing of your Father and my best wishes to Mum as well. My “britches” are held up with a strong pair of suspenders and I still love being a Cruise Director and I hope that one day we will see each other again.

Best wishes

John

That’s all for today and thanks for all the comments.

As I mentioned on Monday’s blog I will be posting the bios and photos of all our Cruise Directors over the next few weeks as I strongly believe that they can make a difference to you cruise.

Here the is simply one of our best, the Carnival Splendor Cruise Director Mr. Todd Wittmer.

Name - Todd Wittmer

Born – Philadelphia, Pa
Raised – Annapolis, Md
Now Living – San Diego, California.

Started with CCL - In May of 1999 as a Social Host first ship was the Carnival Holiday.
Started as Cruise Director - In May of 2002. Received a full promotion in 2003.

Current ship - Carnival Splendor.

Fun Facts – I have been fortunate enough to work on 14 different Carnival Ships and 4 Start up teams.

Favorite Activity – Deck Party / Ultimate Couples Challenge
Favorite Sport – Surfing, Golf
Favorite Sports to Watch - Football, Golf
Favorite Hobbies – Reading, Movies, Food
Favorite song – Anything I can sing along to or find meaning in.
Favorite color – Light Blue.
Favorite food – Sushi, Pizza, Mexican
Best time of the day - Sunset
Favorite animal – Dog
Favorite Place – Hawaii / San Diego (Home)!

Last words – What a wonderful career Carnival has blessed me with. I have been awarded so many wonderful opportunities, close friends and priceless memories. This will be the ultimate chapter in my life and one that will always push me to continue to strive for my dreams. They do come true.

Thanks Todd and I know you have many fans who love to cruise with you and you should be very proud of the wonderful fun you have provided over the years and long may that continue.

So we have a library on the Carnival Breeze like all our ships do yet this one will be different, more on that in a moment. When I was a kid I used to love the library. It would supply me with my fix of at least a couple of a books a week which my Mum and Dad could not afford to buy. My local library was used by all sorts of people to read the newspapers, borrow books, study and in my case, have a crafty look at Lady Chatterley’s Lover page 77, yes, I still remember that page very well!

These days ship libraries are still popular despite the rise of the Kindle thingy. Indeed, Cunard ships have thousands of books on their shelves while on the Carnival Breeze we will have around 500. Now one of the things we have tried recently on the Carnival Dream was rather than have opening hours for the books we had an open door policy. This meant that we would have the books open for lending without a sign out policy and we implemented this hoping that guests would be honest and return the books. This I am afraid didn’t happen and in the first month we did this we lost over 200 books which cost a lot of money to replace. Needless to say that we didn’t do that again!

But on the Carnival Breeze we want to try something different so along with quiet reading hours where a staff member will sign out the books and games we will also encourage guests to use it in the evening. This encouragement will come in the form of a self-dispensing wine machine that will offer guests a glass and then a choice of wines. If wine isnt your thing then we will have a bartender there as well in the evenings because as you will see here, we have a small bar in the library as well.

Now we won’t have music or games there but if you fancy a large leather chair to sit in and a quiet place to read or chat with friends and enjoy a glass of something special then the library will be a place to enjoy just that. And just before I am asked a hundred times, it is indeed non smoking.

The Olympics is only 3 months or so away and plans are being drawn up by the beards to make sure we broadcast all the key events in the sports bars and other locations around the vessel. I was asked recently if we would show uninterrupted coverage on the big screens on Lido but as we have movies and live music there we wont be. Yes, we will show the opening ceremony and key finals but will pick and choose what we show.

The UK is going bonkers for the Olympics but I just can’t get excited and quite honestly I am glad I will be on the Carnival Breeze. I should explain at the outset that I don’t much like athletics. Running is fine when you are late for the ship and they are pulling the gangway, or when you are seven, but the concept of running in a circle for nothing but glory seems a bit ancient to me.

Speaking of which — the javelin. In the olden days when men ate anything with four legs and Mr. Smith had not yet met Mr. Wesson, I should imagine that a chap with an ability to chuck a spear over a great distance would end up with many wives and much rumpy pumpy. But now, watching a gigantic Russian lobbing a stick is really boring. Now if they only would release a herd of Yak into the stadium and the person who speared the most wins the gold medal and dinner then I would definitely watch.

It’s the same with the hammer. When some enormous troglodyte hurls it into row F of the stadium’s upper circle, do we think he is the best hammer thrower in the world? Or the best hammer thrower among those who’ve dedicated the past four years of their lives to throwing hammers? With the best will in the world, that’s not a terribly big accolade.

No matter. The Olympic Games are like Cruise Critic. Whether you like them or not, they exist and they are popular and we will provide as much coverage as we can for our guests.
Finally today I want you to know that I made a complete “plonker” of myself yesterday and yet it’s not my fault. It was parents morning at my daughters kindergarten school and each child introduced either their Mummies or Daddies to the rest of the class. So there I was with 18 children their Mums and only one other Dad as obviously the rest of the other lucky buggers were working. Anyway, the teacher suggested we all sing Nursery Rhymes together and after twinkle twinkle little star it was time for another one. And so we all started to sing and me being a CD sang with great gusto.

“Baa, baa,black sheep, have you any wool ” I sang proudly for all to hear. Except there was a problem and that’s because everyone else, the Mummies, the kids, the teachers all sang ” Baa, baa, rainbow sheep, have you any wool ?”

Woah. Stop there. Rainbow sheep? I was the only one singing the original version and the teacher flashed me a look of disgust and indeed so did some of the Mums and the other Father did as well. Should have known he would have sang “rainbow”………….he was wearing sandals and a polo neck sweater!

How the heck was I supposed to know that we now cannot say “black sheep” in nursery rhymes? Has there been some order from God? And if so, why? In what way might singing “black sheep” cause offence? After all wasn’t he an ideal role model, polite, helpful and generous with his wool to people of all backgrounds?

So is it because we don’t want to offend people with dark skin? I wondered this and asked two colleagues, both of whom are indeed black and their return e mails both basically told me I was an idiot for even thinking that

Then why, why has he after so many years suddenly become e multi coloured? And if he is changed to a “rainbow” sheep, we can no longer be sure that he will provide three bags full of wool because the rainbow symbol means he will be too busy listening to Cher records and watching Will and Grace reruns !

I am waiting for the high visibility jacket wearing, tofu eating censors who are messing with my childhood memories to decide that Winnie the Pooh can no longer be called a bear of very little brain but a “special ” bear instead.

Now, of course, “Black Sheep” cannot be used in the UKSSR for fear of reprisals. The we must now use “rainbow sheep” but the State cannot take my memories away from me. Time to kiss Kye goodnight and sing her another nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty……….who will be fine when he falls off the wall because he was wearing padding, a helmet and knee pads. He is of course also an organic egg.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

Let’s start by stating that I realise that one person’s desire is another person’s bleeding hemorrhoid. For some, perfection is Rolex watch or Megan Fox’s bottom and eating a Guy’s Burger at sunset on the Carnival Breeze while sailing past the island of Capri. For others, it’s Vegas or skiing or climbing a wall.

There is, however, one thing that I think everyone who has been there will agree on and that is surely the most beautiful country on God’s green earth is Italy. Nearly all my favourite ports of call I have ever been to during my time at sea are in Italy. Venice, Sorrento, Naples, Rome and, of course, Florence, Tuscany and one I have only ever seen on TV but a place I must visit one day ……….Lake Como.

Even the town of Monfalcone, where I was last week visiting the Carnival Breeze, is simply lovely, especially a place called La Rocca which is owned by an Italian-Canadian. It’s a place where you can sit outside in the evening, even in early April, and enjoy the most amazing food including Gnocchi Ragu accompanied by local cheese and meets for starters. Chef Grazziano’s food was the most fantastic I’d ever put in my mouth. I sat on the Piazza with Carnival’s Director of New Ship Stuff Boris Ripyourknickersov or whatever his name is and watched the dazzlingly beautiful women and even more dazzlingly beautiful men walk past in red pants and yellow shirts. It was such a wonderful night I found myself wishing I was with Heidi…….or Calvyn.

I think it’s true to say that every guest who I have sailed with in the Mediterranean has, following their excursions, said that they now harbored a dream that one day they will have a house in Tuscany, where they will sit under the Tuscan sun eating cheese and prosciutto they have bought in the local market that morning. We all want to be Italian. They’re everything I am not. And they’re everything I want to be. Stylish, expressive able to wear red pants with yellow shirts and from what the ladies tell me, unlike myself, they are all are blessed with a very large gentleman’s sausage. Nobody ever says, “I wish I was British or American” or indeed has a secret wish to be French unless they are dribbling and wearing a strait jacket when they say it. I have said before and I will say it again, despite what has been written these past few months, being born an Italian man is like winning the lottery of life.

However, even Italy is not perfect because there are indeed problems. There are stray dogs that live in every town and village that wake you up in the wee hours of the morning. Then you have the women who are stunningly beautiful until they reach the age of 40 when they all start wearing black and most will suddenly have a face like a bag of potatoes. But during my trip to Monfalcone and the wonderful Fincantieri shipyard last week, I realised that there was another imperfection with the most beautiful country in the world…….the music. I know this because I rented a Fiat something which included luxuries like a radio. Now I love radio, I don’t play CD’s or plug in my eyepod but I listen to the radio. Usually it’s a classic rock station or talk radio and whether I have been in Miami or New York, Barcelona or my home town of Southend On Sea I have always managed to find something to listen to….but not in Italy. Yes, there were loads of stations but like a vegan at our steakhouses you don’t want any of it.

The stations all have names like Popstar and XFM Hit 100 but they all play what a twenty something told me is called Euro pop. I would rather listen to a cat being thrown against an electric fence than Euro pop….it is simply music hell. I heard one tune on the Fiat’s radio that was so bad, I felt compelled to find the person who’d written it and cut his ears off. How can a country that has given the world so much art and literature and some of the greatest cruise ships in the world think it is acceptable to drive along listening to vomit inducing Euro pop? The hosts are awful, as well. There is always a man and a woman who spend 20 minutes telling each other to sod off and after some more arguing they then play a piece of music that sounds like the screams a woman would make if she were to see me naked with a pink bow tied around my thingy.

It’s bad enough when these artists sing a song you don’t know but when they sing a song you do know it’s beyond dreadful. Italian is the language of love and when you are having rumpy pumpy it is a huge aphrodisiac but when you hear a pop song you know being sung in Italian it is blood curdling. I heard a cover version of Abba which I hate in its pure Swedish form but hearing “Give me give me a man after midnight, “As dammi dammi un uomo dopo la mezzanotte.” …….. oh FFS! And just when it couldn’t be any worse, an Italian pop star decided to sing a Lady Ga Ga song, the only one I know. It’s called Poker Face or when sang in Italian it’s “faccia da poker, po po po facia da poker.”

Yep, Italy is the most gorgeous country in the world with some of the most wonderful people whose talents are building your Carnival Breeze yet apart from the operatic and classical world and the theme from The Godfather they have the worst music in the world. I am heading back to Italy on May 1 and will be renting a car there again but there is more chance of Harry Potter World opening in North Korea then there is in me turning the car radio on ever again. I will instead listen to the more musical sounds of my own farts and Calvyn’s “oohs and ahhs” when he listens to his favorite Cher album. But that aside, Italy is the most wonderful country and should be on your cruising wish list.

Time for today’s Q and A….off we go but not before an apology about the delay in my replying to these questions and more on that later.

William Rose asked:
Good Morning John,

My wife and I are planning our 40th anniversary cruise for the Carnival Breeze in November/December 2012. We have very much enjoyed sailing with you in the past and were wondering how long you will be CD, after she arrives stateside?

Thank you.

Bill & Judy Rose

John says:
Hello Bill and Judy Rose,

Thanks for asking this question and I will be staying on the Carnival Breeze until after the first cruise in Miami and returning to the ship in January. I am not sure if this means we will sail together but I am honoured that you asked and I promise regardless if I am onboard that you will have a brilliant time. Please let me know if there is I can do anything for you.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Joyce Kashelney asked:
Hi John!

My husband and I will be on the Carnival Magic in the penthouse. I know when we booked a suite on Crystal that the butler unpacked our cases for us and while I am aware that Carnival offers no butler service but wondered if the cabin boy will unpack for us. This is our first Carnival experience and we would not normally consider your line but we are treating our two grandkids to the cruise so as we live in Houston we decided to give you a try. The other question I have is will we have a way to communicate with them when they are not with us? Crystal and Silversea provide this and I am hoping Carnival do too. I have been unable to get a straight answer from your help desk and was advised to contact you.

John says:
Hello Joyce Kashelney,

I am very happy that you have decided to cruise with your grandchildren on the wonderful Carnival Magic and I am positive that you will all have a brilliant time. I am afraid that the state room steward will not unpack for you but we do indeed provide an internal ship’s telephone so that your grandchildren can contact you when they need to. I do not know what age they are but I do recommend that they and you attend the orientation meeting on embarkation day so that you can find out more about our children’s programs. I hope I have not written this after the event and that your cruise is forthcoming. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes to all.

John

J.S. Tyler asked:

Having seen the cuts that Carnival continues to make it came as no surprise when I read that Carnival is doing away with turndown service starting this summer. I have this on very good authority from a husband and wife who are two most experienced cruisers and Tom has never yet been wrong in any of his postings. I am giving you one chance to say this is not true but considering this is the second time I have posted this with not reply received I have realized that this is true and that will for me and many others be the last straw.

John says:
Hello J.S Tyler,

I have no idea who Tom is but in this case he is right….in the same way I am right by stating that you would like to examine the inside of my underpants through a microscope and then wear them as a face mask….in other words, “Tom” is wrong……..we are not discontinuing the turndown service. Best wishes to you and the mysterious Tom.

John

Jim Meyers asked:
John,

We sailed on the Carnival Inspiration which departed from Long Beach on 12/19/2011. We had our daughter, son-in-law, Ana, two grandchildren with us. First, I would like to thank you for the strawberries and ships on a stick for the grandchildren. Our family was served by team Leader Guillermo Arzi and Retno Sulandari. They did an awesome job of serving us. By the second meal, they had all our names down and our preferences noted. When asked for their opinions on the food, both were knowledgeable of the food on the menu and not only made recommendations but explained their reasons for their selections. This was our daughter’s first sailing and the son-in-laws first on Carnival. They are already talking about a Carnival cruise next December. Guillermo and Retno are great employees who exemplify Carnival’s commitment to excellence.

John says:
Hello Jim Myers,

Thanks so much for this wonderful review and I am so glad that this first impression for your daughter and family was so brilliant that they are thinking about cruising again. I have sent your comments to the ship and thanks once again for sending me this and if there is anything I can do for you all please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Mann asked:
Hi John,

Love the Blog and I do get your humor. My wife and I are just off the Carnival Inspiration 12/26-12/30. We had a wonderful cruise. I must however point out a couple of things that could have been better. First there was a noticeable odor that smelled like sewage by the forward elevator bay throughout the cruise, and while it was not overwhelming it was unpleasant while passing through. Second there were stall locks in the deck 8 atrium ladies rest room that were broken the whole cruise. I did not find this out until we were debarking when my wife came out upset that someone opened the door. I told her that had she told me earlier I would have told Guest Services and I’m sure it would have been fixed. But it does seem to me that the stall locks is something that whoever is cleaning the restroom could easily check.

As I said we had a wonderful cruise, the entertainment and staff were great. I will not talk about Slavisa our waiter, or Max our room steward, not because they don’t deserve the praise but I wish to recognise a group that goes without recognition. I wake up at 4:30 even on vacation my internal clock says get up. So by 5 AM I am walking the ship to get coffee, (note to beards: hurry up with decision to upgrade coffee), at that time of the morning I get to see the crew cleaning the glass, polishing the brass railings, vacuuming the rugs, prepping the buffet, in summary all of the worker bees who tirelessly do their thing preparing the ship for the day’s activities. As I passed them they would greet me saying “Good morning sir how is everything?” Please express our appreciation to the Carnival Inspiration team for doing a brilliant job without getting the glory. It is all of the behind the scenes people that make the cruise what it is.

Thank you to all of them for all they do.

John says:
Hello Frank Mann,

Thank you for this and let’s start with the two negatives. I am sure there was a fault somewhere which resulted in the bad odor. This is something that I have not read before on this ship and I am so very sorry that this happened during your cruise and like the locks on the bathroom stalls which there is no excuse for, they will be addressed I promise. You are so kind to acknowledge those we never see and your description of the work that the crew does while most are asleep was perfect. I am glad you had fun and I hope that despite these two negatives you mentioned that we will see you again.

Best wishes.

John

Piet Neiskins asked:
Hello John,

I found your blog while searching Carnival cruises and I have read everything you have written since and I love your humor and it helped me decide between going with Carnival and not with another line. My wife and I are from Vancouver, Canada, and have today booked our first cruise on your Carnival Miracle ship and I wanted to ask about my hobby which is amateur radio. I belong to the Radio Amateurs of Canada and I called them about if I could bring my equipment on the ship and it was suggested that I contact Carnival. We are very excited about our cruise and I will be even happier if you can confirm John that I am able to bring my radio on the ship.

John says:
Hello Piet Neiskins,

Thanks for those very kind words and I am honoured by them and hope you continue to enjoy the blog. I’ll have to check on this question and get back to you but I’m sure this cruise will be fun and I hope it’s the first of many.

Best wishes.

John

Anna R asked:

What is the biggest wave you have ever seen?

John says:
Hello Anna R,

Our ships, of course, have sophisticated weather-tracking and monitoring equipment that makes sure we can see where all the bad weather is and where the rough seas are so we can stay away from them. But sometimes the weather can become bad unexpectedly and the biggest wave I have seen was on the Carnival Triumph. We were sailing from New York to Halifax in Canada. A hurricane called B***h…. sorry……. Mitch…..had been there a day or so before and had made the seas quite rough. I was standing on the bridge with Captain Rassello when we saw a large wave came up as high as the bridge which is on deck 8. But everyone was safe and well and weather like this is a very rare thing indeed.

Best wishes.

John

Judy De Marco asked:

I am a smoker that still enjoys lighting up a cigarette in a smoking area without wasting valuable cruise time going to three different decks, walking half the ship to find a small area to smoke in. I am sick and tired of the bleeding heart liberals who cried so much that Carnival has pushed us to go to other lines or land based vacations. I am taking a cruise on the Carnival Splendor in June and will report back to you if or not you will ever see me on a Carnival ship again based on my experience as a smoker which I think will not be a good one. So where can I smoke on the Splendor.

John says:
Hello Judy De Marco,

I have said a few times here on the blog and many times on Facebook that the smoking subject is one that will fuel divided opinions and somehow Carnival has to do their best to make sure that the opinions of both nonsmokers and smokers are represented onboard. The world is changing as it relates to smoking. I was in Italy last week and like most of Western Europe smoking is taboo in all bars and restaurants. I know that there are fewer places onboard our ships to smoke but there are still places where you can sit, have a cocktail and enjoy a cigarette and on the Carnival Splendor that includes one of the deck 5 aft lounges and the nightclub, part of the casino and casino bar and you can, if you have one, smoke on your balcony. There will always be those who want the entire ship to be smoke free and there will be those who want more places onboard to smoke. And in between is Carnival Cruise Lines trying to make everyone happy. Our smoking rules are similar if not more accommodating than most other cruise lines and I hope that you will base your vacation on the service, food, fun and value for money rather than where you can smoke. I wish you a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today. At this time I have 500 plus questions waiting for me in my inbox here on the blog thingy and as we approach 14 million views coupled with the 24,500 like thingies on Facebook it has become obvious that I am unable to keep up to date with the questions I am asked here. However, help is on the way thanks to the amazing superhero duo of Mischelle and Mary. These two wonder women have now been assigned to help me here and will be plugging through the questions and answering ones that don’t need my specific answers such as table requests and frequently asked questions. I will continue to answer questions myself here on the blog and of course the 100 plus a day I answer on Facebook but having Mischelle and Mary help me here will prove a massive asset I am sure and I thank them so very much for all they are going to be doing.

Did you see the brilliant blog by our man in London and Cunard’s President Peter Shanks? I posted on Facebook but in case you missed it I wanted to post it again here. It deals with the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic but from a very different angle and it’s something you really should read. There is much on the TV here in the UK about the Titanic with a huge miniseries in the form of Downtown Abbey at sea to the James Cameron special that airs tonight. I do urge to read about the unsung hero of this terrible tragedy as brilliantly written by Peter Shanks. Here it is.

In the next few blogs, I will be updating my colleagues’ bios as we highlight the brilliant group of cruise directors who provide so much fun for you. We start with our longest serving and someone I look up to…..the incomparable Steve Cassel.

I was hired with CCL in 1986 as a juggler. I had been a professional juggler for 11 years prior. I did seven TV commercials, three of them that aired nationally, including Doublemint Gum, Dr. Pepper and Doritos. I worked in Las Vegas, Wendover, Utah, and Jackpot and Reno, Nevada in production revue shows. I was cast in ‘Soiree’ at the Princess Casino in Freeport, Grand Bahama, a show choreographed and directed by Jerry Jackson. I worked alongside Lance Burton for two years at a nightclub in downtown Hollywood, Calif. I was a theater major and Music minor in college, attending Long Beach City & State colleges. My first Carnival ship was the Tropicale out of San Pedro, Calif. I’ve worked through the growth and development at CCL to Fantasy class, Destiny, Spirit, Conquest and Dream Class. I play fiddle in the Xtreme Country show, and end the talent show with an acoustic violin piece- the First Movement of Winter from Vivaldi’s ‘The Four Seasons.’ I enjoy working as cruise director immensely; it gives me a chance to interface with guests on a daily basis, provide stage shows on a professional level, and to organize and implement the Fun through myself and my staff.

Here I am and here is my dog:

Thanks, Steve, and I am sure many here agree with me that your unique style of entertainment and your amazing talent is something that I truly enjoy. Cheers mate.

It’s great to be back here in my underpants writing a blog to you and after a week in Italy its great also to be back with the girls before I fly to Italy on the 29th April to prepare what is going to be our best ship yet……yep, the Carnival Breeze is that good and there will be video and photos from my trip in the next few days both here and on Facebook. Anyway, it’s been a busy time and I am thankful for the long Easter weekend away from the computer. But I am back now and I am straight back into work mode although that isn’t such a good thing. Let me explain.

Last night I was up in my office when the phone rang. It was my sister Suzanne who was mentioning that today was a bank holiday Monday and that she and the family were thinking of coming over to see Heidi, Kye and myself. Now while she was telling me all about this and her plans that I realise I was writing e-mails throughout the conversation. Clickety click clack, I went while making vague sounds of feigned interest such as “mmm, mmm, sounds great” when she could have just told me she had the worst brother in the world and that she had discovered that when she was 14 it was me that covered her David Soul album in honey and gave it to our dog Ringo to play with. Now after thinking about it I realised I do the same sometimes when I am on the phone to Heidi and worse even when I am on a ship or in Miami or Italy and I am listening to Kye tell me about Peppa Pig’s latest adventures I do the same……….what a complete and utter bastard I am. I am no better than one of today’s teenagers whose distracted glaze says “If I don’t read that text which probably says something really important like “Brad kissed me 2night LOL x’ I might actually die.”

It’s the way of the world and I see it all the time on the ships. I see younger guests, usually in their late teens who get so frustrated by ambling older passengers who block the line at the buffet slowing them down on their way to the Mongolian wok, Some probably imagine they are evil sea monsters in a computer game which they could zap with a harpoon because “They’ve got all day to get their lunch whereas I need go to back on Lido deck in the sun looking at the babes, OK?” I cannot judge them though for I occasionally get annoyed at people who hold the elevator doors open while they finish a conversation with a friend and those people who always ask for a printed balance at the ATM and then study it for 30 minutes before deciding if they should withdraw $10 or not. Anyway, today, Monday April 9, 2012, I made a promise to myself that I would never talk to family or friends while using anything with a keyboard ever again. I used to think I was just multi-tasking….I wasn’t……..I was just being rude.

OK, that’s all for now except to say that I can’t wait to show you our new ship, the Carnival Breeze, and I hope all the video footage we shot will be available in the next couple of days. One of the areas everyone seems excited about is the Thrill Theatre which offers a truly immersive experience. This means that as well as amazing 3D films you will also have special effects designed to thrill the senses. I have to admit that I have never been a fan of 3D movies. This is because the films that were shot in 3D were usually crap and had titles like Godzilla vs. Megasorearse in 3D. And I hated the fact that in order to enjoy it I had to wear a pair of plastic glasses that made me look like a 70′s version of Elton John.

However, things have not changed and now you can buy a 3D television for home use. The programs and films shot in 3D is growing with films like Avatar and Titanic all be re done for the 3D experience. And for our Thrill Theatre, the glasses look and feel much more like ordinary sunglasses. So, has 3D’s time finally come? Hollywood’s biggest players are convinced it has it seems and people like Spielberg and Bruckheimer are hugging a technology once written off as being as gimmicky as Smell-O-Vision. I spoke to the beard who is responsible for our Thrill Theatre on the Carnival Breeze and as he said on an interview I will publish soon: “I believe 3D is the most exciting change since the industry went from black and white to colour (spelt correctly).” Indeed, it seems he his right and I will let you know what films we will show as soon as I can. I am off now to ask Uncle Google if there are any Latvian Rumpy Pumpy movies in 3D ……….actually………..let’s make that 4D shall we……..or even better ……….. 44 double D.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Usually, I go to a supermarket called Waitrose but because I wanted a DVD while I was there and Waitrose doesn’t sell them, I went to ASDA which, by the way, is owned by Wal-Mart……so looking back at the conversation on Facebook last week I can say I proudly shop at Wal-Mart, or ASDA, as we call it here. Anyway, I bought what I had been sent to buy including my DVD of Dexter Series 5……oh, by the way, I love this new program that’s started here called Homeland. Have you seen it? If not, watch it – it’s brilliant. But I digress. So, I headed to the check out with a trolley full of stuff and suddenly I saw that there were only three ladies with nose piercings behind the registers scanning the bar codes. But there were dozens of these self-service checkout thingies.

Now, I don’t know if you have these where you are from, but I had no bloody clue what to do and I am sure they are designed with the specific intention of driving shoppers into a rabid dog style rage. There are quite a few things about these barcode-hungry Terminators that make me want to go to the cereal aisle, take off all my clothes and crap in a Cheerios box. The sign as you approach these lifeless automated checkouts says that the “touch screen is easy to use.” I should have bought a pen just so I could scribble “my arse” after the word “easy.”

Amongst the things I had bought included a 12-pack of Evian water and a box of strawberries. The scales couldn’t tell the difference between the weight of 12 bottles of water and the weight of a few bits of sodding fruit! Now, while there is no actual person helping you, each checkout has a stern looking lady with a beard who glares suspiciously at everything you’re trying to scan in case you’re shoplifting your purchases or, worse still, taking more than one plastic carrier bag.

However, the single most hateful thing about self-service checkout machines is the electronic voice that loudly informs you that there is now “an unexpected item in the bagging area” when you place something completely expected in the bagging area.

Where do they get these voices and it’s not just these check out thingies either? Some of the voices they use in the elevators on the ships are nice and pleasant. However, there is one of our ships and I shall leave it for you to guess which one that use a Germanic voice owned probably by someone called Frau Nipplerippenoffen who shouts “DECK SEX” when you arrive on Upper Deck. So, back to the super market automated voice. The main reason this is so annoying is that, by definition, anything that I placed in the bagging area has more than likely come from the shelves of the very supermarket you are in. Some tea bags or a box of hemorrhoid cream. So why the sodding heck can anything you have placed in the bagging area not in any way be described as unexpected can it? I bought from here, you ignoramus!

However, if, as happened to me today, I place a box of PG Tips teabags in the bagging area, this should not come as a surprise to you should it you automated bastard. So just shut up with your stupid electronic announcements, repeated over and over, telling me that a box of tea is somehow unexpected, and do your job. I only wish I could surprise you with an item you certainly aren’t expecting such as running Calvyn through the scanner or if I slapped my thingy on there. That would be truly unexpected and would probably be the heaviest thing that had ever been placed in the bagging area I am sure.

Time for today’s Q and A………away we go.

Jim De Vere asked:

Do you know why I cannot get a straight answer from Carnival about my group function? We have a group of 34 from the Ionic Composite Lodge in California and have paid for a cocktail party. I need to know when this is and have called multiple times and each time have been met with dumb answers given by Carnival employees who couldn’t care less. I was told by one idiot to write to you and so do you know what night our drinks party is? We are on the 5/20/12 sailing on Carnival Splendor. I am hoping that the service we receive on the boat will be better that what I have experienced from Carnival so far. I am not impressed.

John says:
Hello Jim De Vere,

Thanks for taking the time to write and I am sorry that you have not gotten the answer you wanted. The fact is that the ships have a function grid each week which shows where all the groups’ functions will take place. This grid gets to the ship two weeks before that cruise which is why none of the people you spoke to were able to tell you where and when it will take place. I did speak to someone today and I can tell you that once we have the location and time sorted we will email you immediately, I promise. I wish you and the group a brilliant time and I promise also that the service you will receive on the ship will be wonderful.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Anthony Morra asked:

I would just like to make a mention of one of your employees. I just booked a cruise on your line with Ronny Cadogan. It is a first time cruise with my family and Ronny could not have been more helpful and professional. He made the experience very easy. We are eagerly looking forward to the cruise. Just wanted to let you know that Ronny is an asset to your company.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Anthony Morra,

Thanks for taking the time to mention Ronny. It is always wonderful to read about our shoreside employees and how great they are, especially after reading the posting above you. I certainly will make sure he sees this as will his boss. I hope you have a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Rob Erickson asked:

We have a large and very influential Cruise Critic group sailing on the Liberty 4-14-12 and need your help organizing a meet and greet. We expect 100 to attend and the roll call wants to meet on the 1st sea day in the piano bar lounge at 1:30pm. Other cruise lines have the captain and cruise director attend and some provide free refreshments which I am sure considering the number of attendees and the fact that all will be writing reviews is something Carnival will want to do right by us! Let me know as soon as you can that this has been arranged so I can let everyone know.

John says:
Hello Rob Erickson,

While I cannot authorize refreshments, I will organize a room for you. I can’t guarantee the piano bar we will try and get that for you and if not somewhere else for you all to meet. I wish you all a great time and this will be listed in the Fun Times for you. I see this was posted some time ago so my apologies for the delay in my reply and I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Luis Hernandez asked:
John,

What’s the possibility of getting a singles only cruise or a ship only for singles. Other lines do this and they are a big success. Carnival should do it as well and talking to my college buddies I know they would go for sure.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Luis Hernandez,

Thanks for taking the time to write and I am sorry to say that I doubt we will ever do this. We are proud to be a family cruise line and while we encourage singles groups and single guests to sail I doubt you will ever see a ship dedicated for single guests. I do hope you and your mates come and sail and have some Carnival fun and good luck in college.

Best wishes.

John

Stacey R asked:

I heard that you arrange special things for cruisers and I need something special done for my daughter Hannah. She was the Miss Anchorage Outstanding Teen and Miss Chugiak/Eagle River Outstanding Teen and won a Troy University Full-Ride Scholarship to Auburn University. We are going on our annual family cruise this time on the Sprit on the 4th of June in cabin 1239. I think it would be awesome if she were brought on stage and presented with a prize for her achievements and the prize could perhaps be presented by the captain. She is a special young lady and one who deserves more than most to be recognized. I hope you will make this happen!

John says:
Hello Stacey R,

Please can I send you my warmest congratulations as you must be a very proud mother and of course we are very happy that you have decided to spend your family vacation with Carnival. While we can’t bring your daughter on stage I will ask Stuart, the cruise director, to mention her on his live morning show and we will send her a little something as well. Please if you can may I ask that you post this again on my Facebook page at facebook.com/johnheald so that I don’t forget. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and many congratulations to Hannah.

Best wishes.

John

Sara Tang asked:
John,

I wish you would get caught up on your questions as I am worried about you missing my request and this is the seventh time I have sent you this request without an answer be returned which is not good customer service. My fiancé and I as well as my parents have booked the inaugural sailing of the new Carnival Breeze and we absolutely want a private table for four. Our first Carnival experience was on the Destiny in 2009 and it was spoiled for many reasons so this needs to be special for us.

John says:
Hello Sara Tang,

I am sorry you didn’t have a good time on the Carnival Destiny and I will certainly do all I can to help you and your family make this the best cruise ever. See you soon and get ready for a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Harry Landherr asked:

Can you tell me if there will be a chapel on the Carnival Breeze and if Carnival will provide information of mass in Dubrovnik as we will be there on a Sunday? Thanks, John, and my wife and I are looking forward to finally meeting you.

John says:
Hello Harry Landherr,

And I am looking forward to meeting you both as well. The ship will not have a chapel I am afraid but I will certainly give you the information you need when you are onboard. I can tell you that there is a cathedral in the old town and they will welcome everyone for mass and I will let you know the times when I see you. I can tell you it will be held in Croatian not English. There will be a shuttle bus that costs $10 round trip to get there. See you soon and if you have any questions please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Bryan Coogler asked:
John,

I know you get a ton of questions so I hope you can find the time to give me some insight. We sailed on the Conquest back in July (where we got engaged) and it was our first cruise. We had a SPLENDID time no doubt; however, had an outright horrible experience with our room steward and waiter. It was a last minute booking so we booked a lower level cabin which to me was “bottom rung.” My question is with a better room do we in turn have better equipped and experienced room stewards and/or dining staff? This time we booked a cove balcony (2279 on Carnival Magic 1/15) and had numerous attempts from Carnival to upgrade us to a higher category – we kept with the cove just because of the reviews of privacy and such that it had received. My fear is that since we are again on the second deck that we will have the same type of service displayed back in July. I expect there are always a few bad apples in the bunch; however, had it not been for our bartender Made Winaya (who I believe is on the Magic this time around again) we probably would have looked elsewhere… he kept us entertained and was ever so helpful the entire trip. Again, I don’t like to complain; but this time we brought other family for their first cruise and I’m taking every means necessary to ensure it is the best vacation they have ever had.

John says:
Hello Bryan Coogler,

Thanks so much for writing and please do not worry. Please understand that we do not place the stateroom stewards or waiters in sections based on their ability or how high up the cabins are. We expect all of our staff to be the best and the vast, vast majority provide superior service that is raved about from our guests. I can say that you will love your cove balcony and while I apologise that you had service that was not up to our standards last time, I can assure you that the staff on the Carnival Magic will make sure you have the best of times. Please let me know how the cruise goes and if there is anything you need I am here to help.

Best wishes.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hi again John,

I met you on the Carnival Magic, but I have to say I like you a lot, but do not have any luck getting replies from your blog, so here goes another. Now we are hearing Carnival is changing the loyalty program to points. As it is now, we are booked on two cruises; the second in April of 2013 would make us Platinum. Will I now lose out on this after all the years in trying to gain Platinum status? Please respond. I know you get more of these than you want, but we really enjoy our Carnival cruises, and I hate to see it get fouled up.

Thanks,

JV

John says:
Hello John Vanecek,

I am so glad that you kept writing to me as I am so far behind on the blog questions that I am sure it feels like I am ignoring some of you. Yes indeed this year we will be changing to the number of days sailed and please don’t worry because as you are so close and as you have cruises booked, then you will have your current loyalty taken into consideration and you will not lose out. Thanks again and I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

Jeremeka Barrett asked:

I first want to let you know how much my family & I love cruising. This time we will be on Carnival Sensation from Port Canaveral April 3. Can you send my four kids something special? Cabins are R79 and 81

John says:
Hello Jeremeka Barrett,

I caught this just in time as I can see you are sailing next week. I will send your kids a little something and I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Fred Harzstark asked:
Hi John,

We are excited to being booked on the 11/24/2012 Carnival Breeze in a 7C balcony. Hopefully by that time we will be VIP. In Curacao, there are no Jewish Heritage Tours with Carnival. I have been researching the web and can only find private tours for six or more. I am sure besides the Jewish passengers, others would be interested. Maybe the beards or you can look into this to arrange. We are excited to have you as our cruise director, and maybe have a cocktail together.  We do have a great PVP in Jenifer.

Fred Harzstark

John says:
Hello Fred Harzstark,

I am indeed looking forward to seeing you and showing you this wonderful new ship. I will indeed speak to the beards and see if we can include a Jewish Heritage tour. I know we have these in other ports so let me see what I can do for you and I will let you know. Thanks for your loyalty and thanks for the kind words. See you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Ashley Loader asked:

Just off the Carnival Dream and will post my review on the website you hate but as a smoker I found this ship had nowhere to enjoy a cigarette and I will not be coming back to the Carnival Dream ever.

John says:
Hello Ashley Loader,

I was surprised to read this because the Dream-class ships have The Lanai which is available to smokers. There are outdoor smoking areas on the port side and if you walk further aft you will discover large, comfy chairs outside of the nightclub disco dance club thingy. So, while on the Dream class we may have reduced the smoking facilities in the casino and inside areas the opportunities for smoking outdoors (where many believe it should be limited to) are much more than on any of our ships. I do hope you had fun and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

OK, let’s talk about the crew, shall we? These past few days I have been talking about them a lot on Facebook with comments about tipping and salary and often we forget that with all the bells and whistles our ships have that they remain, in my humble opinion, the most iconic part of the cruise. I know a lot of you enjoy the Behind the Fun Tour where you get to see behind the crew only door and discover where those who serve you live. However…….what do they eat?

So there are four dining rooms on most of our ships. One for the crew which is where the waiters, stateroom stewards, cooks, etc., eat. Then there is the staff mess where the entertainment staff, shop and spa staff, casino staff and others will eat. Then we have the petit officers dining room which is where the Italian bosons, sailors and non-striped officers will eat. And, finally, we have the officers and captain’s dining room where the senior officers and captain will enjoy their meals. There is a slightly different configuration on the Dream class but for the most part this is how it works.

The crew mess is self-service and mostly the staff and officers messes are waiter service. It is important to remember that none of us, not your waiter or the dancer or the engineer have hours to linger over a meal because there is work to be done and most of us spend no more than 30 minutes over any meal, it’s always been that way. But what has changed is the menu. In days gone passed there used to be a separate menu for each of the dining rooms I mentioned above.

There would be a menu for the crew based on where they were from with local Indonesian, Pilipino, Indian and other ethnic recipes. Then there would be a staff menu and in the old days most of the staff was either western European or from the US in the case of the entertainment staff and musicians and so that menu was meat and potatoes based. And finally we had the Italian petit officer s and senior officers all of whom were Italian and so the menu was based around the traditions of Italy and that meant cheeseburgers and Pop Tarts…….bugger……I mean pasta.

However, over the last 10 years we have changed a lot with our crew and staff coming from so many different countries and so it was decided that for this reason and other operational reasons that we would combine the menus with all the officers, staff and crew eating the same menu.

There are still some staple foods. Rice, for example, remains the most popular dish onboard with goodness knows how many tons of the stuff we serve each week. During the Carnival Splendor fire there was as you know no hot food and the crew couldn’t wait to go ashore and eat…… yep ……. rice and in fact there was a saying around the crew during those days that said, “No rice no power.” It’s a staple diet in so many countries and it’s a staple diet for the crew onboard as well.

So, we all eat the same food although the chef still prepares daily pasta specials for the Italian officers and the captain and that’s very much appreciated by them. Anyway, let’s see a few examples of the dinner menus served around the fleet to the crew.

Here they are:

Menu 1

Cream of wild mushroom soup with porcini, bottom, and shiitake mushrooms

Today’s feature: is Greek salad diced cucumbers, onions, tomatoes, peppers and olives in vinaigrette, diced feta cheese

Salad bar
Assorted marinated salads
Fresh greens with a wide variety of trimmings and dressings
White tuna, boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, crudités

Baguette or rolls, ciabatta, onion rye, bagels, whole wheat and white bread

Assorted cold cuts and cheese

Spaghetti with artichokes tossed in a zesty tomato sauce

Steamed grouper with julienne of celery, leeks and carrots and a touch of white wine

Chicken kavarma – boneless chicken with bell peppers, tomatoes and mushrooms

Grilled sirloin steak served with peppercorn sauce

Steamed zucchini, squash and carrots

Lentil stew with vegetables

Assorted pizza

On the side – parsley potatoes, couscous

Also available:

Veggie burgers, hot dogs, *hamburger, *cheeseburger,
*assorted eggs and omelets, penne with tomato sauce

Grilled chicken breast, soy milk

Date and ginger chocolate cake and other treasures from the pastry shop

Assorted whole or sliced fruit

Menu 2

Chicken dumpling soup with chicken, vegetables and Jamaican dumplings

Today’s feature is: Waldorf salad – diced celery, apples and walnuts in a creamy mayonnaise

Salad bar
Assorted marinated salads – fresh greens with a wide variety of trimmings and dressings
White tuna, boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, crudités

Baguette or rolls, ciabatta, onion rye, bagels, whole wheat and white bread

Assorted cold cuts and cheese

Penne incrazo – tossed in a zesty tomato sauce with roasted zucchini

Fish and chips served with malt vinegar and tartare sauce

Roast chicken – chicken marinated with lime and cilantro

Barbecued pork spareribs – juicy and tender to the bone

Steamed cabbage, green beans and carrots

Sautéed okra and kernel corn casserole

Assorted pizza

On the side – Double baked potato, lemon rice

Also available:

Veggie burgers, hot dogs, *hamburger, *cheeseburger,
*assorted eggs and omelets, penne with tomato sauce
Grilled chicken breast, soy milk
Fresh fruit tart and other treasures from the pastry shop
Assorted whole or sliced fruit

Menu 3

Jamaican bean soup – with diced vegetables and dumplings

Crispy fried mozzarella – served with a zesty tomato dip or remoulade

Salad bar
Assorted marinated salads
Fresh greens with a wide variety of trimmings and dressings
White tuna, boiled eggs, tomatoes, cucumbers, crudités

Baguette or rolls, ciabatta, onion rye, bagels, whole wheat and white bread

Assorted cold cuts and cheese

Farfalle in gorgonzola cream served with grated parmesan cheese

Grilled fillet of pike perch served with citrus butter

Tandoori chicken- sautéed chicken with a yogurt and green chili paste, red onion julienne

Beef stew with fava beans – browned and braised beef in its own gravy

Steamed cauliflower, green beans and cucumbers

Grilled eggplant casserole with feta cheese

Assorted pizza

On the side – Oklahoma fried potatoes, white rice, polenta

Also available:
Veggie burgers, hot dogs, *hamburger, *cheeseburger,
*assorted eggs and omelets, penne with tomato sauce
Grilled chicken breast, soy milk
Walnut and green tea cheesecake and other treasures from the pastry shop
Assorted whole or sliced fruit

As you can see, burgers and rice and eggs and hamburgers are always available as are fries and other items. There are 17 menus on a 17-day rotation so that the crew doesn’t get bored. OK, it’s not five-star cuisine and it’s designed to fuel the crew for their hard work but its good hearty food that the crew appreciates and some of the ethnic foods like the tandoori chicken, the jerk pork and the smelt (small fish) are fantastic.

The best food, though, is not around anymore and that was the food that used to be cooked down on Deck A in the laundry. Back then, these were run by young men from China whom you rarely saw. They slept there and they worked there and they cooked there. Yep, they had their own galley and that’s where on a Friday night I would head down armed with a case of Heineken and a huge thank you for washing my underpants and they would return the favor by serving me the best Chinese food in the world. I miss those guys.

I will leave you today with this gem of a question.

Madelynne Stottlemyre asked:
Hello John,

We love your blog and Facebook updates and especially love the photos by Radu. He is so talented and it got me thinking. Each year in New York, the NYC Firefighter Calendar is the most purchased not only as it goes to a wonderful charity but the men are hunks and are mostly, dare I say, “naked.” So my suggestion is why not get Radu to take photos of you and the cruise directors and maybe some of the other crew who are pleasing on the eyes in unclothed poses. The money raised would go to St. Jude and I bet ya that hundreds would buy this. What say you?

Thanks.

Madelynne Stottlemyre

John says:

Hello Madelynne Stottlemyre,

Ummmm, let me think about this for a moment. Would I like to parade my arse, alongside other naked cruise directors and captains, while Radu snaps away with his wide angle lens? Yes, I’m up for that. In the same way I’m up for boiling my thingy in a vat of acid. I am sure the Gooses and the Todds and the Ryans and the rest of the metrosexual clan of CD’s would happily do this and I am all about supporting a great cause…but who the heck is going to buy a calendar full of the bits and pieces of Carnival cruise directors and captains… apart from the CD’s and captains themselves, that is. I can think of nothing more disgusting than turning the calendar page over to May 1 to find Butch, covering his gentleman’s sausage with a postage stamp. And while I want to raise as much money as I can for charity, I don’t see how January’s photo of me writhing on a sandy beach is going to get the money pouring in. And I am sure that while Radu loves taking photos, seeing my naked body through the lens of his Nikon is not what he signed up to do.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John