It seems that nothing short of their baseball team makes a Philadelphian more proud than a Philly cheese steak and being inquisitive and being fat and because I am staying in a hotel that is as manly as Calvyn’s underpants and serves hummus and drizzled peacock for dinner, I have taken it upon myself to try as many of these buggers as I can. Its guess it’s not a complicated thing to make. It’s a long stick of bread filled with slices of what my Mum would call beef brisket. You then add loads of cheese and if you don’t mind an arse like a chewed orange the next morning ……loads and loads and loads of onions.

Now it’s not the sandwich itself that people argue about but it is who serves the best. Indeed I asked this question on my Facebook page a few days ago and it caused much fervent discussion. The two names that kept coming up were Pat’s and Geno’s and so I went to both, purely for research purposes you understand.

I thought these two establishments would be…..well…….lavish and as trendy as the glowing blue toilet in my hotel room. Not! They are two very basic establishments that have been facing off against each other like two Wild West gunfighters since the 1960s. A local Phiilyperson told me that they stay open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to make sure that one doesn’t sell more calorie-bursting, greasy, and tasty sandwiches than the other. I felt that it was required, as my role Carnival’s Brand Ambassador, to be diplomatic and visit both. One of the people who run the Scenery First operation here in Philadelphia told me that I had to do the “Philly lean” which is where you try to position your body so it’s clear of any bits of beef, cheese or onions dripping on your shirt and that walking around with a cheese steak stain on your shirt was considered by the locals as taboo as walking around with your gentleman’s sausage hanging out.

So which one was best? Well considering both Pat and Geno’s may be owned by Irish and Italian …. ummmmm……“families”…….I have no intention of saying. I don’t want to wake up with a horse’s head in my bed and a cheese steak sandwich with extra onions shoved up my bottom. So I will say ……..they were both brilliant but I wonder if Guy Fieri could make an even better one?

Time for today’s Q and A……away we go.

Terri Kerr asked:

I heard that Kevin Fowler would be doing a theme cruise in August of 2012. Is this true?

John says:
Hello Terri Karr,

Yes he is mate. Click here for information on it.

Best wishes and yeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!!

John

John Byrd asked:

We have cruised with carnival once or twice in the past few years until we received the PLATINUM VIP level. We just got off of the Carnival Conquest Nov. 12. This was the worst ever of getting off of a ship. They told us at the guest service desk that we could leave bags outside of rooms and that we would get off early and with no problems. Well we were the second people to get off and then waited over an hour and a half to get bags. This is not the way I think Carnival would want the general public to know how they treat their VIP guest. We feel like that we should have been told we would have to stand and wait on bags if we did not carry them off with us. This may have been our last trip with Carnival. Nobody would put their bags out knowing they would have wait on them and stand in line and watch all of the ships passengers unload before you. I would like to know how you feel about this.

THANKS…

John says:
Hello John Byrd,

I am very sorry this happened, I really am. We do give very specific instructions on the TV and in writing that the self assist guests go first and then Platinum and VIP guests who have left their own luggage outside their cabins will leave after the self assist guests. I think there may have been some misunderstanding and that we need to make this far clearer than we did on the ship. I can only apologise for this and hope that you will look back at what fun you had and despite this last concern that we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Luke Pizzaro asked:

I am not one of your cheerleaders nor will I ever be but I do need a favor from you as it seems the norm for people to beg. So under the premise if you can’t beat them join them can I have a gift for me and my wife. We sail on the Carnival Magic on 2.3.12 in cabin 7319. It’s our 12th wedding anniversary

John says:
Hello Luke Pizzaro,

I will be there with you on the ship as CD and I will be very happy to send you something to wish you a great cruise and a very happy anniversary.

Best wishes.

John

Sutile asked:

I’m cruising on the Carnival Miracle on Feb. 6 and would like to know who the comedians will be. We cruised on Fantasy last year and both comedians were the worst we have ever seen on our two cruises with you guys and we are hoping that this time the comedians will at least be funny. The comedians only talked about sex and used the F-bomb all the time. Who is it this time?

John says:
Hello Sutile,

I am very sorry to know you did not appreciate the comedians last time you sailed although I think I should point out that the shows you described were from the uncensored adult show that is well advertised as such. This time you have some great comedians including two of our very best in Eddie Capone and Percy Crews who will feature family and adult shows at the Punchliner comedy club. I hope you enjoy their shows and that you have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Angie and Neil Thorla asked:
John,

We recently completed our cruise on the Carnival Dream – number 16 with Carnival. After this many cruises, we did not expect to find anything to really impress us. We were wrong. CD Kirk and ACD Jaime were fantastic. Their morning show was better than Regis and Kelly, and we know how much you admire Regis! On many past cruises, the CD’s appeared to be reading from the same Carnival script. While Kirk basically followed the script, his delivery was natural and appeared unscripted. Kirk was probably not at the top of his game due to pain from a recent shoulder injury, but being the veteran he is, it did not show. (You need to pay closer attention to the captain’s daily safety message Kirk.)

We just can’t say enough about Jaime. If we were not aware that Kirk and Jaime operate as a team, we would be baffled as to why she still has the word “assistant” in her title. Jaime is one of the unique individuals like you, John, who derives great pleasure in helping others find enjoyment. We had three occasions to have brief conversations with her. While we’re sure that she had more pressing things to do, she made us feel as if talking with us was the most important item on her agenda. If you ever need an Assistant Brand Ambassador, Jaime is the perfect candidate.

We are a couple of old fogies who are skeptical of FB, so we do not know how to contact Kirk and Jaime. Would you please pass this on to them to let them know that their good work is recognized and appreciated?

Best regards,

Angie and Neil Thorla

John says:
Hello Angie and Neil Thorla,

What a brilliant post and thanks so much for taking the time to write. I know that Facebook is not for everyone which is why I think it’s vital that I keep lines of communication open here on the blog. Jamie and Kirk are brilliant and you described them perfectly and we know what a huge asset both are to Carnival. I will be passing on your thanks to them and also let the beards see this as well. I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Oladapo Ayodele asked:
Hi John,

I hope you are well. My name is Dapo. I’m a fourth year university student from Canada. I have a specific question for you. Before I ask, I will like to tell you a little bit of by situation. I am majoring in biological sciences at the University of Lightbridge. I will be writing the MCAT next summer as I intend to apply to medical school next summer. Starting in January, I intend to take a few months off school so I can work and study for my MCAT. I am thinking of applying to a Carnival Cruise Lines. Since I know you are the “king” player in this game. I would like to know what you think about this. I don’t know if working on a cruise ship is what will benefit me. You might be asking yourself why I am taking time off school. It’s because if I stay in school and graduate in May, I will have nothing to do until September 2013 when I get into med-school. I want to defer my graduation from May 2012 till May 2013. I want to be fresh for med-school if I get accepted in 2013. I would like to know what you think about this please. Secondly, I have not worked a lot in the hospitality field. I have worked various jobs during the summers. I have worked in positions ranging from housekeeping to construction to sales etc. If I decide to work on a cruise line, are there positions where I will have time (a few hours) a day to myself to study. Please let me know what you think. I need to make decisions as soon as possible.

Have a Good Day.

John says:
Hello Oladapo Ayodele,

I wanted to wish you much success in your continuing education and your career path. While we don’t offer an intern program I do encourage you to check our www.cclcareers.com and see if there is anything there you can see yourself doing. I hope there is.

Best wishes.

John

Jen Reynolds asked:
Hi John,

My parents, three children and I just returned from cruising on the Carnival Victory to celebrate my daughter’s 16th birthday. This was what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go, having been on the same cruise in March 2010. For my parents, it was their first experience cruising, and I have to say, we had a fantastic time! Our wait staff and bar waitress in the Atlantic Dining room were phenomenal. My four-year old also cruised with us and the wait staff and hostesses treated her like a princess, which she loved! They made napkin bunnies, lobsters, and swans, and brought her extra French fries every night. The one night we didn’t go to dinner because she was very cranky, they commented on how much they missed us the next night. And if we saw them during the day at the buffet, they made her feel so special because they singled her out. So I want to acknowledge them publicly and ask that you tell the “higher ups” how wonderful they all were. Agapita, Panitan, and Sukhadin (I’m sure the spellings are all wrong, but they were from the Philippines, Thailand, and Indonesia, respectively). We sat at table 300 in the Atlantic Dining room for dinner. Our bar waitress, Natalya from Russia, was just as lovely and attentive, and she even put up with my dad’s long-winded stories. We had ordered a cake for my daughter’s sweet 16 and of course they delivered it and sang loudly to embarrass her, which we loved. I can only hope we are able to meet up with all of them again sometime soon because they provided such good customer service that I don’t think any place we go here in the States will ever measure up. I wanted to make sure I found a way to publicly acknowledge them because we didn’t get any comment cards or any other way to let their supervisors know before we left. Obviously, we did show our appreciation to their superb service monetarily

The only small, disagreeable part of the cruise was the fact that in the level 8 hallways, mid-ship, it really smelled like lavatories. I don’t know why, and it was only mid-ship on the even- numbered cabin sides, but when we walked through there, we had to hold our breath.

Otherwise, the whole trip was wonderful and the room stewards were also fantastic and helpful – Edzell and his assistant, who unfortunately I can’t remember. And my 14-year old and 16-year old were completely entertained with the two clubs for teenagers. This is my third cruise out of San Juan with Carnival to the Southern Caribbean and I hope to continue doing so. Keep up the excellent work!

Jen Reynolds

John says:
Hello Jen Reynolds,

Thanks so much for this great review. I can see that so many crew members made this a wonderful time for you and they will be thrilled that you have taken the time to write about them. The crew you mentioned are shining examples and I am so proud of them. I promise the problem with the odor you smelt has been addressed and my apologies for this happening. I hope you and the family had so much fun and that you will be back with us again very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Norm Vanraman asked:

Will Carnival be sending another ship to New York as we have an old ship in Carnival Miracle. We deserve better than this rust bucket.

John says:
Hello Norm Vanraman,

I would hardly call the Carnival Miracle an old ship Norm and she has proven to be a very popular ship and the New Yorkers are loving her.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and many thanks for your continuing support of the blog. I know I am not posting as regularly as normal but once back on the ship I will of course return to a minimum of three blogs a week.

Let’s take a break and while I learn how to play the Hasbro Game Sorry Sliders I will leave you with some stunning photos from Mr. Radu of the Carnival Pride.

Thank you Mr Radu for once again for sharing your amazing skills with us. I may have mentioned this before and apologies if I have but Mr. Radu will be holding a seminar exclusively for those signed up on Bloggers Cruise 5 and I hope we can persuade him to do this each week on whatever ship he is on.

OK, time to move to the piano bar. I have mentioned that we will have some exciting news regarding this and it’s almost ready to be told. I can tell you that we are really focusing on these brilliant and fun bars and our intention is to make them even more fun and exciting by supporting the piano bar players that entertain there. So look out for more news on this very soon and until then let’s see who will be playing in the piano bar on the ship you will be sailing on. The dates listed next to the names are the dates the performers will be leaving the ship.

Carnival Freedom Doug Ross 02/19/12
Carnival Destiny Robert Crucilla 02/20/12
Carnival Triumph Lorraine Ingle 02/23/12
Carnival Splendor Ron Passalacqua 02/26/12
Carnival Glory Tom Riccio 02/26/12
Carnival Dream David Filsinger 03/03/12
Carnival Conquest Larry Maconaghy 03/04/12
Carnival Ecstasy Frank Glenn 03/22/12
Carnival Fascination Milburn Dumas 03/31/12
Carnival Imagination Dana Honey 04/02/12
Carnival Liberty Robert Berhalter 04/28/12
Carnival Fantasy Jordan Heppner 05/04/12
Carnival Elation Tom Grable 05/05/12
Carnival Victory James Morris 05/20/12
Carnival Magic Jerone Howard 06/03/12
Carnival Inspiration Seth Gibson 06/04/12
Carnival Paradise Del Woodman 06/11/12
Carnival Valor Brad Alexander 06/17/12
Carnival Pride Roger Concepcion 06/27/12
Carnival Legend Alan Brown 07/15/12
Carnival Spirit Keith Turner 07/17/12
Carnival Miracle Brennan Villines 07/25/12
Carnival Sensation Currently in Drydock

Thanks as always to these great performers for all they do and to Laura aka Divetrash for looking after them and for the fan club she runs. If anyone deserves a fan club it’s the piano bar entertainers. I look forward to working with Ron Pass on BC5 and on the Carnival Breeze.

I want to apologise to those guests who were expecting to see me on the Carnival Magic this week and I was really disappointed that I could not join the ship, not just to meet them but also because I was looking forward to being a CD again. And there is another change as well because this morning the beards asked me to fly to London to look at some British comedians for our upcoming Carnival Breeze cruises this summer. Let me explain why. Carnival has created a lot of interest and excitement in the UK and certainly last year on Carnival Magic and it seems that during the height of the summer when Brits take their vacation that we have high counts again of my fellow UK citizens. They love the product, they love the food the fun and they definitely love mixing with our North American friends and I think it’s fair to say that the North Americans love mixing with the Brits, right? Anyway, the one thing that we did find was a challenge was the Punchliner Comedy Club. And while the Americans and Canadians laughed out loud, the British guests sat there with faces like an Amish chap at Radio Shack.

You see, comedy about American sports, the Deep South and other specific subjects went over with our British guests like a fart in church. Now we are not canceling our American comedians, they will remain. What we are doing though is adding to the program and hiring some British comedians who mid-cruise will host a British night in the comedy club. So, the beards have hastily set up some auditions for me to attend and that’s my arse, in coach, flying to London.

My schedule now looks like this:

• FRIDAY, FEB. 3 - FLY TO LONDON – SEE THE GIRLS
• SUNDAY, FEB 5. - FLY TO MANCHESTER AND DRIVE TO LIVERPOOL TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GREEN ROOM
• MONDAY, FEB. 6 - FLY TO LONDON TO HOST A COMEDY AUDITION AT THE GEORGE 1V PUB
• SATURDAY, FEB 11 - FLY TO HOUSTON
• SUNDAY FEB 12 - JOIN CARNIVAL MAGIC AS CD

So, I am going to be knackered (www.urbandictionary.com) but it’s important that I do this although again I apologise to those I am letting down and I continue to look forward to being a cruise director once again.

What is the difference between American and British comedy? I honestly don’t know the answer to that. Obviously material is one thing because while Brits might not understand and laugh about a joke about rednecks and while Americans might not laugh at a joke about the Scottish, most will laugh at jokes about a man getting his thingy caught in his zipper or a huge pair of pendulous breasts and indeed the suction toilets on the ships. There is though a difference between British and American sitcoms. The British sitcoms are all about failure and Americans about success and so few translate across the ocean. “Friends” is the most popular imported sitcom in the UK but ask a Brit to name five American sitcoms most would struggle. The two I remember growing up were Benson and Soap but I have to admit, I am not a fan of most of the American sitcoms. I am sitting next to an American right now here in Philly and I asked him to name five British sitcoms. His answer was Monty Python and…..ummmm…..ummmmm……. So let’s see if the Americans who come to the British comedians’ sets on the Carnival Breeze will laugh? I am sure they will because the word “arse” said in a posh British accent is after all ……… hilarious.

OK, I have to go because the Game Show rehearsals are ongoing and tomorrow I have approx 50 of my Facebook and blogging friends joining me. I just read that Madonna is providing the half time entertainment at the Super Bowl…….God, PLEASE let this year bring us another wardrobe malfunction! I’ll convert to whatever you want me to believe, promise!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anyway, the game show itself is going to be a huge hit and if I am honest there is as much chance of me adhering to the script as there is me wearing a pair of pants that shows the crack of my arse like one of the ACD’s here Chicken Squishy or whatever the heck he’s called.

Hasbro, The Game Show promises to be loads of fun with adaptations of the company’s popular games such as Sorry, Operation, Yahtzee, Connect Four and, of course, one that you and I have played many times with our families………and that’s the game with no end……Monopoly.

I am totally confused by Monopoly. The rules explain how you can un-mortgage a property and when you should build hotels on Park Avenue but they don’t say, and they should, that the winner is the last player left alive. You go bankrupt so you borrow money from your Dad who has loads of cash. Then you go bankrupt again. So you borrow more money from the bank. And then, when there is no more money left in the box, you write out an IOU and keep on borrowing by which time it is 4 am, everyone is bankrupt and you have realised that unchecked capitalism doesn’t work whether it comes in the form of a Wall Street banker or in a cardboard box. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not, there will be a “bad loser” around the table who will land on your hotel on Madison Avenue and in a hysterical rage will throw the board and the pieces in the air and, in true Wall Street fashion, throw themselves out of the window. I wonder as it I sit here in my underpants at the start of 2012 whether or not kids still play Monopoly because I would think that in their minds anything that doesn’t run on electricity is stupid and boring. So the idea of moving a hat or a roller-skate around a piece of cardboard and not being able to play Modern Warfare Grand Theft Zombie Killer on their Weeweexplaybox would mean teenage tantrums all round. Heidi and I have a Playxboxstation thingy but it’s used about as much as the George Foreman Grill and my Betamax video recorder that I refuse to throw away.

In theory Scrabble is much better and yet it too gets under my skin.  And that’s because I always end up with mostly vowels. So while my opponent is writing “bumfuzzling” across two triple word scores and claiming it’s a game of skill, I’m getting three points for the word “boob.”

The idea of Hasbro, The Game Show, will be to bring audiences and players closer together in an evening of fun and fantastic prizes. However, while board games brought my family together, they also bring out hysteria, accusations and hate. Maybe amongst the Sorry Sliders and Connect Four games we should include something for today’s teens and have a night of playing Death Zombie Warfare Witchcraft Pack Bastard Space Asteroid Killers.

Time for some Q and A……away we go.

Brian O’Keefe Asked:
We loved the comedy shows on the Carnival Freedom and the comedians were so funny. The problem John was the venue which was too small and talking to the people we ate dinner with and other passengers we all felt that the comedy club should be in the big theatre. We all said we would give up the dancer shows for more comedy. Can you send a big shout out to Lotti our cabin stewardess who we attempted to pack and take home with us? Thanks, John.

John Says:
Hello Brian O’Keefe

Thanks for the post and I hope you had fun. Your question caused some great conversation on Facebook and it was certainly worthy of discussion. I think we do have a good balance between comedy, variety and the big production shows. I know that the Punchliner comedy shows are very popular and certainly some are full which is why we repeat them over a space of two nights per each two comedians and we don’t have any plans though of moving them to another lounge. Thanks for the great comment about Lotti and I shall make sure she sees this. I do hope you had fun.

Best wishes.
John

Janet Bettencourt Asked:
Hi John,

My daughter is desperate to be featured in your passenger talent show when she cruises with us on the Elation on July 9. She is eight years old and has already won trophies and came first in the Models of Distinction show in Mississippi. Please secure her a spot and she will bring her music to sing her song which will bring the house down.

Hello Janet Bettencourt
Many congratulations on your daughter’s success and I am sure she has a bright future. I checked the entertainment schedule and in fact we don’t have a talent show that cruise. I am sure you will have a brilliant time and if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes to all.
John

Scott Stanley Asked:
My wife and I will be experiencing Carnival for the first time on the Carnival Dream for our third anniversary in March. I thought about surprising her with a marriage vow renewal on the ship. I’d like to know if it is possible to have a small ceremony (no guests) that is more on the informal side.  I don’t mind buying one of the wedding packages, but they seem to be geared towards more guests/formal ceremony types.  Do you think it is possible to schedule/book something more like what we’d like?  Any info you can share would be appreciated.  Thanks

John Says:
Hello Scott Stanley

Thanks so very much for choosing the Carnival Dream for your special celebration and we do indeed have a wedding renewal ceremony on board. It may sound formal but in fact it’s a very intimate ceremony hosted by the captain and in the presence of only the two of you and any guests you choose to invite. Hope that’s OK and I promise it will be a wonderful way to celebrate your lives together. I wish you many more happy years and a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.
John

Jon Resinki Asked:
I have done five cruises with you guys and never once have I been offered an upgrade cabin. I always read that others have gotten one but I never do. I guess I am the wrong color or not a VIP but I work hard in my community as an educator and deserve an upgrade as much as anyone else.

John Says:
Hello Jon Resinki

The myth of the upgrade and that many guests get one each week is I am afraid wrong. They come along now and then because for the most part our ships sail totally sold out. Now as to who gets an upgrade, well that is also not easy to answer but if I may suggest that you get a travel agent or PVP to book your cruises as they will be able to help when upgrades or special pricing becomes available. I do hope one day you get the upgrade call. Thanks for all you do as a teacher and for spending your valuable vacation time with us.

Best wishes.
John

Steve Kurs Asked:
John you and I have something in common and that’s we are both obese and, as a fellow fatty, I don’t understand why you don’t get bigger sizes in the gift shops. On the Carnival Sensation the largest size they had was XXXL and I am 385 pounds so that’s not going to fit me IS IT? I am sure you understand but if you do then why am I not taken care of like other passengers. We need 5X and bigger! It is pure discrimination that only thin people can find something to wear.

John Says:
Hello Steve Kurs

Thanks for the post and I do understand that it’s hard when you find something that doesn’t fit you, I certainly understand that. I know that the shops on board have guaranteed to sell bigger sizes although not 5X so I will send your thoughts to the folks that run the shops. Thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.
John

Tracy D Asked:
You were right John we loved the Carnival Legend. Nestor and Doctor K were great pool-side servers; Doctor K could be a little pushy, though. Our steward, Desra, was fantastic! She was always friendly and talked to us every time we crossed paths. After buying the towel folding book, we left her a cobra on our last day, knowing she’d get a kick out of it! We enjoyed all the shows we went to on board. We went to the comedy – G and R rated shows (very funny!), two nights of the magic show (we highly recommend this one!), and a few of the game shows. I think our favorite day was the first day at sea for the Hairy Chest Competition (Go Lou!). Wee Jimmy was a hoot, his jokes were corny but he laughed at himself, which made the corny jokes better. Alex was definitely the best host on the ship, always full of energy and the Minnesota joke NEVER got old! Wed had a blast!

John Says:
Hello Tracy D

What a wonderful review and I am so glad that you had fun. I will be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled. I loved the comment about Wee Jimmy and he really is a funny chap and a great CD. Thanks again and I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.
John

Richard Gledhill Asked:
The Carnival Freedom was not good. Our room only had a small chair and a stool for sitting but on RCI we had a suite with a huge comfy sofa. The bed on Freedom was very uncomfortable. The entire staff was rude and unhelpful and nobody cared I was in a scooter and offered me any help and I had to wait in line at buffets on Lido. The food was not as good as other ships we’ve sailed and cheaper cuts of meat were offered. I have written expecting compensation but have had no response!

John Says:
Hello Richard Gledhill

It was a big surprise for me to read this as the Carnival Freedom is often the top ranked ship in our fleet as per the comments made by guests that complete the review card. I am very sorry that you didn’t enjoy the cruise and that you did not find the staff helpful and if you had booked a suite on the ship you would I promise have found our suites also have large comfy sofas and more space. I have sent this to a colleague and you will be hearing from them soon. I hope we will see you again and my apologies that this cruise did not meet or exceed your expectations.

Best wishes.
John

Dave Rowan Asked:
I need help because I am cruising on the Carnival Dream March 31 and want to propose to my girlfriend Cindy. I have no idea how to do this and need your help to get this done please as I am really really nervous. To make matters worse my future in laws Susan and Art Bannacki (in cabin 2351) are with us and they don’t know I am doing this. What’s your suggestion, please can you help. I am sweating just thinking about it but want it to be a memorable proposal. Thanks so much Mr. Heald.

John Says:
Hello Dave Rowan

I can actually feel your nerves oozing out of the post so it’s my job to help you. We can do this two ways, a small private proposal or indeed a proposal on stage in front of other guests……. and your in-laws! So we have a bit of time, let me know what you want to do and with the help of the CD and staff I will do all I can to make this a painless, fun and happy occasion. I am sure all will be well.

Best wishes.
John

Alexandria Dabrini Asked:
John, can you tell me if Carnival has singles only cruises? I don’t like kids and find that they are not well behaved on cruises and on my last trip on Sensation there were hundreds of them running riot and it ruined the cruise. Carnival should have a kid free ship and if there is a ship for breeders there should be one for the thousands who want no kids on their cruise.

John Says:
Hello Alexandria Dabrini

Thanks for the comment and I have to say that Carnival is proud to be a family cruise line and so we won’t ever I think dedicate a ship to having no children on board. I do think that you should maybe look at times of the year when the children count is lower as in school time and then maybe you will not notice them so much. I hope we see you on board soon.

Best wishes.
John

John Dobrescu Asked:
I really enjoy your blog and please don’t worry about those haters who obviously have never met you. I met you in 2006 on Carnival Liberty in Europe and we have so many wonderful memories. On that cruise we met a bar waiter called Anica. She worked at the wine bar and was one of the highlights of the cruise. I wonder if she is still working for Carnival and if so what ship. I ask this because she was from Romania which is where I was born and fled the country with my parents when I was just nine years old. She is from my home town Oradea and I wondered if you had her contact information please. Thank you.

John Says:
Hello John Dobrescu

Thanks for the kind words and for getting in contact with me. I am afraid I don’t show any Anica from Romania working on our ships at the moment. I have checked our records and I am sorry but it looks like she has left. It sounds like she made quite an impression on you and I hope somehow you get to see her again.

Best wishes.
John

That’s all for today.

Over the weekend I posted some beautiful photos of the Serenity area on the Carnival Spirit and while being serene and relaxing with some suntan oil and a good book maybe how some like to spend their days at sea, others prefer excitement. And if thrill seeking is your thing, then we have got your Carnival Spirit cruisers covered.

Designed specifically for Australians whose lives are a thrill a minute especially when they make sure there are no red back spiders hiding in the toilet which while you are reading your copy of the Australian Times will bite you on the arse and kill you dead, the new slide on the Carnival Spirit is quite simply historic.

I can imagine that as you stand at the top of the stairs your stomach turns as you edge towards the green coloured tube that leads you into oblivion. You stand on the edge, the soles of your feet sweating, “Just do it!” your wife says, and you close your eyes and then without any warning you are slipping and sliding through the green tube. Seconds later you are over the ocean and below is Debbie the Dolphin who was swimming along without a care in the world and suddenly looks up to see your flaccid bottom flying down a green tube. You think that maybe you will be able to wave at the people on Lido deck below you but all you can see are the inside of your eye lids and all you can hear are your own screams echoing all the way through the Green Thunder’s tubing. Suddenly you’re spectacularly hurled out into the plunge pool and as you eventually stand you do so with a lingering look up Green Thunder’s tubing hoping that you haven’t given the green a tint of brown.

The simple pleasure of sliding down a chute into water is something I have never understood. Gerry Cahill, our president and CEO, is a huge fan of these things and he made me race him on the Carnival Dream. He cheated and I lost my shorts. Not a good day out for me that but I am in the minority because water parks are so popular and with Green Thunder we have taken them to a new level and I must admit from the photos you will see in a moment, pretty intimidating level. Water parks on ships have come a long way since the simple slides we first had and Green Thunder looks amazing and along with the other water park additions you will see have transformed Carnival Spirit’s Lido Deck.

One thing I always worry about with slides like this is that being fat (thanks for the reminder Steve Kurs) I am concerned that these slides were not designed for big people and that my fear was that I would get stuck half way round. That obviously isn’t the case with Green Thunder because you don’t have to be as thin as the Amish phone book to go down ……. you just have to be totally bonkers and have the most easy going, have fun, no worries kind of thinking…….which is why Green Thunder will be absolutely perfect for Australia.

Here is one of Eric the Beard’s slide show thingies highlighting Green Thunder and the Carnival Spirit’s brilliant water park.

You may have seen the proposal request in today’s Q&A from Dave and you could feel how nervous he was couldn’t you? I get asked to arrange public on stage wedding proposals a lot here and when I am a CD on the ships which I was indeed supposed to be this week on Carnival Magic but because the game show rehearsals are continuing I am unable to do so. Anyway, I am always happy to help with wedding proposals but I have never quite understood why some men feel the need to do this in public. I have proposed three times to women in my life. The first time was via a letter when I wrote to Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch proclaiming my total love for her and asked her to marry me and that after the ceremony we move to our own Blue Lagoon. She never replied……..looking back though her non-reply may have had something to do with the fact that the letter was written on a pair of my underpants.

The second time I proposed…well……..that was a little more public as both sets of parents were there and I thought that was the chivalrous thing to do. She said “yes” but in the end things didn’t work out and one day she woke up, realized I was an ugly bastard and buggered off. She is now living in New York, happily married to a great guy who doesn’t fart and make her vomit when she sees him naked……..which is never good for a relationship.

As for Heidi…….well……I was so positive that when I asked her to marry me that she would say, “No, Nichtus, Buggernsie Offen Sie” that I decided to ask her alone………just the two of us …… in the cabin on the Carnival Imagination. She was supposed to come back to the cabin from work at 11:30 pm. I had a rose…….lying on a silk sheet……..with the ring lying next to it …. I had her favourite song playing on the CD player…….the lights were dimmed……..I had my best underpants on……nothing else……..just my best underpants…..all was set …… 11:30 pm came and went…and she eventually arrived at 12:45 am having had decided to go to the crew lounge with her friends……the bastard. By the time she got back to the cabin everything was ruined …….and it wasn’t only the rose that had wilted. Anyway, if anyone ever needs help with a proposal please let me know.

So back here in Philadelphia things are going well, slowly, but well and I feel like an old dog having to learn a new trick. But the show is going to be great and it’s been fun to see the CDs again. However, if hosting a show like this has made me feel old then hanging out with CDs Ryan Fitzbutch and Butch Begogerald and Josh Big Texy and Paul Saintly and Brent Boy Band Loyer has made me feel ancient. Their clothes, their underpants, the music they listen to and the words they use make me feel so old and I fit in with this group like Richard Simmons would fit in hosting a cage fighting event.

One thing is extraordinary though, on breaks for rehearsals I call Heidi, call the office or eat a sandwich and take a poo. They don’t. They sit on their eye pads and play a virtual game. They are all — and I mean all — playing it. It’s a virtual world thing where they build a city and buy hotels and have families and I don’t understand what the hell is going on. In My Town, you can buy virtual houses, cars, cappuccinos, computers, lap dances and build a new Carnival HQ. You can dance, undress, giggle, urinate, gamble, crap, smoke a palm tree and spank Judge Judy with a table tennis bat. Currently says Uncle Google about 6.7 million Americans play this game every day. This along with the fact that Ryan Fitzbutch and Butch Begogerald and Josh Big Texy and Paul Saintly and Brent Boy Band Loyer all play this game while I sit Facebooking and blogging to you.

Yes, Hasbro, The Game Show is a new breed of cruise ship entertainment and there is a new breed of cruise directors to host it. They have endless Red Bull-fueled energy, dress like metro sexual pop stars, they kiss other men on the cheek, they use product in their hair, they have teeth sponsored by Colgate and stomachs flatter than a can of Diet Sprite that’s been open for 27 years. They are good looking and confident and at the end of a long day of game show rehearsals while I long for a huge steak and a massive plate of fries they go to the gym to tone up their six packs. They are the future and I am the past and I wish them continuing success………but ……….if one of those metro sexual bastards tries to kiss me again…..they will find it very hard to sit through the next day of the rehearsals with their eyepads sticking out of their manscaped bottoms.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Now that system has been replaced with……well, I haven’t a clue actually because I just press on my Microsoft Outlook icon and regardless if I am at home sitting on the toilet or in the lounge watching Peppa Pig with Kye, my emails are there. It’s brilliant. Except it isn’t. It’s crap.

I say that because when I tried to log on today it would not let me…….. because my password had expired. OK, fair enough. All I had to do then would be create a new password. Simple. But it’s not. It’s a simple as asking Stevie Wonder to knit you a sweater. That’s because my laptop told me I had to be logged onto the Carnival network to do this, which considering I am staying at a nondescript and soulless hotel here in Philadelphia (more on that later), was impossible.

I called the CCL technical support desk which is open 24 hours a day which is a good thing because jet leg had me calling them at 5.45am in the morning. These guys are great and I thank Jose who helped me and for his patience with someone who obviously is to computers as what some news programs are to fair and unbiased reporting. But what wasn’t so good was when Jose asked me to create a new password.

You see, for years my password for everything was “bollocks” but, with brilliant cunning, typing the “o” as a zero, I told Jose this and he said that I shouldn’t do this as the password wasn’t strong enough and basically using the word “bollocks” as much as I do on public domains like this and Facebook was easy for others to guess.

I don’t know about you but I hate having to try and remember sodding passwords. PIN numbers, security ID codes and bank account numbers. I’m constantly clicking on to click “Forgotten your password?” but how much information can a fat thick bloke like me be expected to store?

Anyway, upon Jose’s orders, I typed in my new chosen password but received a bollocking telling me that “Ilovekye” is “weak” and I must add numbers and capital letters. I hate this because it means you end up with a password like “nipple@2zitS,” which you instantly forget unless you write it on a big Post It note which you stick on top of the computer which I am guessing rather defeats the objective.

I hear though that salvation is on hand and just like we have facial recognition photo computers on the Dream class ships so facial recognition will soon allow you to open your laptop. And passwords will be like my sex life — a thing of the past. Until then I will have to continue to use my new password which is “MeganF0xBum4me”……..but I guess now I have told you I will have to change it again…..bugger.

Let’s do some Q and A….off we go.

Debbie McGinnis asked:
John,

I have been following your blog for a short time. While the Carnival Liberty was in dry dock I enjoyed your updates! I sailed on the Carnival Liberty 10-29-11 and just returned home! Fun Ship 2.0 is amazing! We loved all the changes, but I have to say that Guy’s Burger bar was my fav! Our CD Butch was great! He kept us so informed and entertained all week! This was my sixth cruise (all with Carnival) and I just got home and started looking for my seventh! Of course, being from Oklahoma, I was welcomed home with a 5.6 earthquake last night! This was also my first visit to Half Moon Cay and I LOVED IT! The beach was beautiful, the food amazing of course, and the entertainment terrific! I just wanted to tell you thanks for your blog. I enjoy every word you post and thank you for not posting pictures of yourself in your underwear while you’re responding to our comments!

John says:
Hello Debbie McGinnis

What a brilliant way to start today’s Q&A. I am so glad you found the blog and that it helped prepare you for your cruise on Carnival Liberty and, of course, I am thrilled that you had such fun. Guy Fieri’s burgers are brilliant and so many people think like you and have commented that the addition of Guy’s Burger Joint was one of the main highlights of the 2.0 upgrades. Thanks so much then for the kind words and I hope it won’t be long until we see you again very soon and if we don’t I will be sad and will probably post that photo.

Best wishes.

John

Ann Thornburgh asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know my granddaughter and I just got off the Carnival Liberty 11/5/11. What a great cruise. Loved all the 2.0 changes and also tried several of the new menu items…….delicious! Butch and Amy (aka) 6-3 were fantastic. Only real surprise was how rough the seas were…….probably the worst I have ever encountered. My granddaughter and I just laughed while we lurched back and forth. Our cabin steward Rocky and dining room waiter Cesar took very good care of us. Once again, Carnival provided us with a great vacation!

John says:
Hello Ann Thornburgh

Well that’s two in a row about the Carnival Liberty which gets an A I think rather than a D as mentioned above. I am so glad you had fun and that was despite the rough weather which there seemed to be a lot of during the last few weeks of 2011. I loved that you had such a positive attitude though and I hope you and your granddaughter had a brilliant time together and we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carston asked:
John,

Your internet service on the Carnival Dream sucks. It’s slow and expensive and didn’t work at all one night and the excuse was that there was a satellite fault blah blah blah. Internet should be a priority to Carnival but it is obviously not because IT SUCKS!

John says:
Hello Carston

Let’s start by saying that if you were told that the Internet was not working because of a satellite problem then I promise you that was the reason. All of the major cruise lines obtain their internet service from the same company which is operated and maintained through their service station in New Jersey, although I have no idea what exit. If the satellite system is having problems or the weather in New Jersey is bad then yes we do lose signal I am afraid and my apologies for this happening during your cruise. I agree the shipboard internet is certainly slower compared to what we’re used to on land and hopefully the industry will improve and we’ll get faster service one day. I hope you had a great cruise despite this.

Best wishes.

John

Dale Cynoweth asked:
John, We’re sailing on the Carnival Breeze in July and hope you will be the cruise director as me and my DW love your blogs and would love to see you in person. My question involves the call at Naples. We are considering the all day tour to Pompeii/Sorrento/Capri and although my DW and I are fit enough we are in our early seventies and I am concerned it may be too much for us and would appreciate your opinion, John. Thanks so much.

John says:
Hello Dale Cynoweth

I am very excited that you will be joining me on the Carnival Breeze and I am going to say that I am positive that you will love the ship and will have a great time. The excursion you mentioned is a fantastic one and includes a full tour of the ruins in Pompeii followed by shopping in stunning Sorrento and then lunch which is included in the price. You then take a private boat to the beautiful island of Capri. It is a fantastic tour but will it be too much for you? Well, it will most probably be hot and there is quite a bit of walking in Pompeii and Capri so please give all of this careful consideration. You may want to think about taking Pompeii with Sorrento but not Capri or indeed one of the other combinations. Please let me know if you have any questions and I will indeed see you very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Alan T asked:
Hello John.

I wanted to stop by and tell you about my son. You may or may not remember him but he was seriously injured by an IED in Afghanistan while serving in the Marines. You helped arrange a special wedding proposal on the Carnival Dream and made his cruise so memorable. I wanted to let you know they were married this week in a beautiful ceremony in Buffalo, NY. He is getting used to his prosthetic leg and I am very proud of him. He and Diane send their very best to you and I will always protect you against those few idiots who have nothing but hatred for you and Carnival. Thanks John, you are one in a million.

John says:
Hello Alan T

I do indeed remember your son and the wonderful proposal that thanks to my colleague and fellow CD Butch we were able to provide for him. I am so thrilled that he is doing well and that both he and his new bride are healthy and happy. I truly appreciate your son’s service and I wish him and his wife many happy years together.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Paul Marshall asked:

I am amazed at how many times I read here or on other forums, cruisers holding you responsible for their problems, or wanting you to fix everything for them. My family and I will be sailing the Carnival Liberty on March 31, 2012, which will be our fourth Carnival cruise together….Carnival Spirit to Hawaii, Carnival Destiny, and Carnival Valor to the western Caribbean being the others. We were on one of the first fateful Carnival Destiny “propulsion issue” cruises when we could not make Grand Turk due to being under half a head of steam. There was a near riot at guest services that day, but we didn’t let it ruin our vacation, however, we were disappointed about not going to Grand Turk. We now are hoping to finally get there with the Carnival Liberty, and have also lucked out having booked her far in advance of the 2.0 announcements. Although, I would not consider myself a Carnival “Cheerleader,” I can’t imagine finding a better value for our precious vacation dollars……Thanks for all of your reporting of the dry-dock goings on!

John says:
Hello Paul Marshall

It’s great to hear from you and I am so glad you have kept on cruising and we really appreciate this so much. You will love the 2.0 upgrades and if there is anything I can do for you before you sail please let me know. I know the term Carnival “Cheerleader” comes from another website and that it is used by people in a derogatory way because they feel there is something wrong with standing up and shouting out loud that Carnival continues to provide affordable vacations. There is nothing wrong with cheering for Carnival and we love it when people do. It would be fantastic to sail with you again Paul and I hope that happens one day and if there is anything you need before you cruise before you sail again please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

MissT asked:

First, I want to say I love your blog and FB page. You definitely make things about cruising funny and Carnival should consider you a big asset. I have read a lot about rum runners and how many passengers seem to have managed to smuggle them on. I don’t expect you to approve of this John but please understand I am a care worker and don’t earn a big salary. This will be my first proper vacation and I can’t afford drinks at the prices you charge so I am going to smuggle some booze which is why I haven’t used my real name on this LOL. My question is that if I do get caught smuggling rum runners will I be thrown off the ship? Please let me know. Thanks, John.

John says:
Hello MissT

Thanks for taking the time to write to me and I totally understand that this is your first cruise and that you are on a budget. Obviously we don’t allow you to smuggle alcohol on board and while you won’t be thrown off the ship, the liquor will be confiscated by our security team. That said, wouldn’t advise on smuggling liquor. It seems to me that you are already stressing somewhat about the cruise. I promise you it will be a wonderful and memorable vacation. I hope you have a great time and thanks so much for the very kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Kelvin Butchko asked:

My wife and family (seven of us) will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I would like you to do something for a very special person who is going to be with us, my daughter Colleen. Colleen will be joining the USAF and this is our last family vacation before she starts her training and I would like you to send her a gift. Important: She does not drink alcohol so a T-shirt or maybe some free photos for her of the family to take with her would be great. Colleen will be in 6294 and I am in 6308.

John says:
Hello Kelvin Butchko
I see you are on the ship as of yesterday and have asked the cruise director to send a copy of this message and my reply to your cabin. You must be very proud of your daughter and please wish her all the best from me would you. I am sure I can find something to send her and I wish you all a brilliant family vacation.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Please let me know if there is anything you need and of course the quickest way to contact me for a pretty immediate response is via my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/johnheald. Thanks everyone.

So here I am in Philadelphia and learning all about Hasbro, The Game Show which is our new game show that debuts later this year. The last time I was here was to film a Carnival commercial that involved a huge piñata, two tons of candy and the local baseball team winning the super series bowl championship series and the local fans celebrating in a very….ummmm…. raucous….way. Last time I was here I stayed in the Four Seasons but this time I’m at a different hotel which has beautiful views of the runway, loud crap……….sorry rap music in the elevators and a toilet that is so low to the ground that even Joe Pesci, Napoleon and Snow White’s seven friends would find it difficult to sit on the sodding thing. It’s hip and it’s trendy though and there are three different ways of eating tofu on the menu.

We are here, of course, to learn the ins and outs of the new Hasbro-themed activities which will be introduced on the Carnival Breeze and then be part of the ships that have Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades on them. There will be a full evening dedicated to the show and I have to say that it’s going to be a great night of fun and excitement. The sets are huge and the games really will be crowd pleasers for sure. I will tell you more in the weeks ahead but for now have a look at this photo and you will no doubt see our life-size adaptation of the classic board game Operation. And see which CD’s and ACD’s you recognize.

Now for those who hate listening to me moan about flying please skip down a few lines or go make yourself a cup of coffee would you because I am going to have a bloody good moan again. The flight to get here was long and it was boring and bugger me $2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie called Aliens and Cowboys or something and a movie I might add that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, vegetarians and anyone with a pulse it lasted 30 minutes. The food was……..well I can’t really call it food. Honestly it was awful. It was chicken something and it was cold and tasted of anything but chicken. This then was my birthday meal, yep, yesterday was my birthday and I spent it eating rubbish at 34,000 feet.

The lady next to me was in her fifties and had a face liked a smacked arse. Bugger me she was grumpy. After the plane took off the captain turned off the seat belt sign and I asked Miss Grumpypants if she didn’t mind getting out of her aisle seat so I could get to my carry on as I wanted to get my portable DVD player. She looked at me as though I had suggested we get naked in the toilet and join the mile high club together. She glared and made a “huummppphhh” sound and reluctantly stood up and allowed me out of the seat all the time making “tutting” noises while she waited. I grabbed the DVD player and sat down as quickly as I could ………. she was one scary woman …..why couldn’t I just once….…sit next to a Latvian who was so scared of flying she needed me to hold her thigh during takeoff and landing. It was a really bumpy flight and we really did hit some huge pot holes and I arrived in Philadelphia to see white stuff covering the city and brown stuff covering the inside of my underpants.

I will be telling you more this week about what I am doing here in Philly and about Hasbro, The Game Show that is going to be a monster hit I am sure. I also will in the days ahead be telling you about some exciting news for 2013 and how the piano bars across the fleet will be — even more than usual — the place to be. Plus there will be other news and stories from the world we love and that of course is the brilliant world of cruising.

It goes without saying that I miss Heidi and Kye something awful. Two-and-a-half years ago while on the Carnival Splendor I slipped and fell on top of Heidi and now we have Kye, the most precious thing in my life. Heidi loves her and she is her everything but didn’t enjoy me slipping and landing on top of her. I was at my heaviest back then and Heidi still describes that slip and fall as having a large closet fall on top of her…………..with the key still in the lock.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anton Mircea asked:

I am a lover of fine wines Mr. Heald and while I think your wine list on the Carnival Dream was acceptable and had some decent choices the knowledge of the servers in both your restaurant and the steak restaurant was pitiful. The boy from India who served me was inept to the tenth degree and his knowledge was less than basic and never once did he try and recommend a wine to go with the food. This may be because most of your “clients” were drinking beer or soda with dinner. I expected more though when my partner Colin and I dined in the steakhouse. We asked his thoughts on the Stag’s Leap Cabernet Sauvignon. I asked the sommelier to describe the wine and he said and, I quote, Mr. Heald, “It’s very good.” Any decent sommelier, anyone who knows anything about wine would have said “It has round supple tannins wrapped around layers of blackberry, espresso and black truffle.” I may sound like a wine snob here Mr. Heald but even if that were true I would think that Carnival Cruise Lines would want to have the ability to showcase its wine selection and not have it served by people from third world countries whose wine knowledge is miniscule. I would also like to mention to you that while we did enjoy the cruise overall the Friends Of Dorothy meetings were held whilst my partner and I were at the late session of anytime dining which shows very bad and inconsiderate scheduling.

John says:
Hello Anton Mircea.

Please allow me to start with the final part of your question about the scheduling of the Friends of Dorothy meeting. I spoke to Gary the cruise director and he explained that the meeting was held every night at 10 pm in the piano bar and indeed had no finishing time. This maybe where the problem comes from as maybe we didn’t explain this properly and you may have thought that by the time dinner was over that so was the Friends of Dorothy function. My apologies for the confusion there.

And so onto the wine. I am glad you thought the wine selection was good and yet I was very surprised to read about your thoughts on the wine sommelier in the steakhouse.  I will admit that the waiters in the main dining room are by no means wine stewards and perhaps it might be beneficial to expand their wine knowledge with some additional training. I was though very surprised about your comment regarding the wine server in the steakhouse as they do have extensive training given to them and have what I thought was excellent knowledge of wine. Anton, you probably don’t know this but I started in the bar department and then moved to wine steward and I can tell you that back then I had no training at all. I know this isn’t normally how I answer questions here on the blog, Anton, but tell you what, pour yourself a glass of Chateau De Bollock 1989 and let me tell you my story.

I had bluffed my way through the first interview as a bar waiter in 1986 with consummate ease. The only difficult moment was when Barbara Wang, the Carnival beard who was interviewing me, asked if I knew what a Sex on the Beach was. I was about to say that since I was an ugly bastard and ignored by the entire female population of my home town and therefore I hadn’t a clue about sex on a beach, outside a fish and chip shop, on the back seat of a car, in fact anywhere when I realised that it was some sort of drink……..so I said “Of course,” smiled and she gave me the job.

If that interview was easy then the one that the Bar Manager Colin Campus gave me to become a wine steward on the M/S Holiday was even easier.

BAR MANAGER: DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT WINE?
JOHN: YES
BAR MANAGER: THAT’S YOU PROMOTED TO WINE STEWARD THEN

I of course knew nothing and I wasn’t even from a “third world country” as you described. Back then I did actually drink the odd glass but most of the wine I did drink came with a screw top and had a picture of a Blue Nun on it or if I was really living the lifestyle of the rich and tanned I would treat myself to something with a cork in it. My life as a wine steward was short lived probably because I didn’t know anything……….and I mean anything…….about wine. The only thing that got me through it was a bit of banter and a few jokes plus the fact that as little as I knew as a few of the Carnival guests during the late eighties knew even less than I did.

Thank goodness the majority of enjoyed the wine and I cannot remember too many occasions if any at all when the guest having tried the wine vomited into the wine bucket and said it was no good……………….and that always had me thinking.

When you’re out for dinner, why does the sommelier invite you to taste the wine? Why doesn’t he do it himself? You are obviously a wine expert Mr. Mircea but I think I would struggle to tell the difference between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild which costs $150 say and a lesser bottle that costs say $30. I still know nothing about viniculture and even if I did drink you could put anything in a glass and if it were chilled enough I’d be happy. I don’t drink at all anymore but when I do buy wine for occasions like Christmas when friends come over I have two very simple rules. I never spend more than $20 on a bottle, and I don’t buy anything with the words La or Chateau on it meaning of course it’s French…….I am sure they make great wine but that little man of a French president is not getting any of my money. You may not know this Anton, but me and the French don’t get along very well. I know they pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes and let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back….anyway, I digress.

When I was a wine steward we had wines from France, some from California and a few from Italy the most popular of which was Lumbrusco. I still remember this for two reasons, it was $9 a bottle and we called it Italian Coca Cola………it was our best seller. Nowadays, our restaurant and steakhouse wine menus are diverse and offer something very special to suit all tastes and budgets. I was going to apologise to you for the way that the wine steward in the steakhouse described the wine you asked about but I don’t think I can. You see if you had asked that question and he had replied, “It’s earthy, plummy and deluxe with a hint of baboon scrotum,” any non-wine expert guest would have expected maybe a more simpler answer like, “It’s an excellent wine, I highly recommend it.” Anyway, I am very glad you had a good cruise and I shall pass on your comments to our new vice president of beverage operations.

Best wishes,

John

Oh by the way. My favorite part of being a wine steward was the hours and the fun we had. We worked maybe five hours a day, we cooked in the wine cellar using little stoves and — please don’t tell anyone about this — but we would accidentally drop a bottle of good red wine every night. The wine would be reported on the “Breakage Sheet” which was sent to the F&B manager …………….we never lied or misled the boss………..we really did drop it……….but only after it was empty……….ssshhhhh.

Let’s do some more Q & A………..here we go.

Barret Roby asked:
John,

I went on my first cruise the last week of October aboard Carnival Fascination. I loved it! My wife and I are already looking at booking on a “bigger” ship next year. While on board, one of our fellow cruisers told me about your blog. I love it! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about our wonderful cabin steward Mark. We were in cabin U108. He was outstanding in every way. Extremely helpful, diligent, and courteous. If you can, I’d like you to pass along to the folks that run the Carnival Fascination, and let them know what a great employee they have in Mark.

Thanks,

Barrett Roby

John says:
Hello Barret Roby

My thanks to those guests who told you about the blog thingy and I am thrilled that you enjoy it so very much. I will make sure that the ship sees your words of praise and of course Mark who sounds like he made a brilliant impression on you. Thanks so much for telling me about him and I hope we will indeed see you on another cruise very soon and I am here to help if you need me to.

Best wishes.

John

Marius asked:
Hi John,

Here is the answer on why you were getting so many negative comments from CC members on your blog. Now I know you were right about the negative comments on your blog not being posted by the regular CC members but by other consumer web sites and message boards trying to fight back and maintain their members. I guess once your blog became popular “Goliath” felt the need to fight back against your blog and FB.

John says:
Hello Marius

I thought long and hard in trying to decide if I should post this or not but after getting a second opinion I decided I would. First of all thanks for writing and I would hope that in this huge and ever expanding cruise industry that there would be more than enough room for people to submit opinion and reviews on all the various cruise web sites and boards. If people are trying to post comments here as you suggested then it’s a good thing that I don’t print them then if as you allege many are fake. Thanks for letting me know and I hope you and your family are well, and I hope we see each other again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Claire Masonfield asked:
Hi John,

We are from the UK and sailed with P&O and Royal Caribbean this year and next year we will have our first Carnival experience when we join you on the Carnival Breeze. I have two questions. Will there be any British television as my husband is a huge news hound and hates not knowing what’s going on in the world. Can you also tell me how formal the formal night is? Will gentlemen be in dinner jackets and ladies in ball gowns? I hope not but don’t want to be under dressed or indeed over dressed. Thank you John for your help.

John says:
Hello Claire Masonfield

It will be a real pleasure to see you Claire on the Carnival Breeze. I say that because you posted your comment on December 10 so I am guessing that you will be with us this year in Europe. Please tell your husband that we have Sky News and BBC World so he will not be out of touch at all. As for elegant night it’s mostly business suits for the men and nice elegant dresses for the ladies but from my many seasons in Europe I have to say that dinner jackets (tuxedos) for the men and ball gowns for the ladies are few and far between. I hope this helps and of course we are very excited to show you the Carnival product and our brand new ship. See you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Lorna Gregson asked:

Poor service on my cruise has me really angry. I booked a shore excursion through Carnival. The only reason I took the cruise was to scuba dive in Cozumel so imagine how angry I was when my tour was cancelled the night before the dive because there were not enough people who signed up on the trip, totally screwing my shore excursion plans. To add further insult to injury, not a single person on the boat, at guest services, or shore excursions was willing to recommend a reputable local dive operator that I could deal directly with in lieu of the Carnival trip being cancelled. I felt they outright lied to me in claiming they had no knowledge of any alternative way to dive. As a result, I had to spend a ton of time (and money using their ridiculously expensive satellite internet) trying to research local dive operators. I will return to all inclusive land vacations I think.

John says:
Hello Lorna Gregson

I am sorry we had to cancel your diving excursion which as you said didn’t have enough people interested to run it. The reason the staff didn’t recommend another dive operator was that we only work with tour operators who have been fully vetted by our company and we don’t really have extensive knowledge on the other operators in port. Imagine if a guest services operator had recommended “El Sinco” dive operators and you had a bad experience or heaven forbid experience a safety issue and we were the ones who recommended the tour? I am sorry it was canceled and I hope that when you think past this you will realise you had a brilliant time and that we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrew Dubin asked:
Hi John,

Love the blog. Been reading it for about two years now and never thought I would have reason to write you.  My wife, my son and myself went on the Kiss Kruise, our eighth with Carnival and already have our ninth.  Our next puts us in the VIP realm. On the Kiss Kruise my wife went to the computer area with our son and purchased some time. She was never able to get online.  There was no one available to speak with at that time and she never made it back as it was only a four-day cruise. When I went to guest services the next day to pay my bill in cash I told the man what happened, he called someone and then told me the charge would be taken off the bill. I paid the whole bill less those computer charges. Long story short, the charge was never taken off my bill and was charged to my credit card. I called Carnival twice and told my story but the refund was denied. John, it is not about the $30 it is about someone not recognizing that here is a good customer and we need to do the right thing. I will continue on Carnival but I just wanted to let you know what happened.  By the way I have already started thinking about my next cruise. Customer Service may not have done the right thing but I still have a great time on the cruises.

John says:
Hello Andrew Dubin

I heard the Kiss Kruise was fantastic and I would love to be on the next one with you. I am very sorry to read about your internet problem and I am going to be sending this to a colleague now for their review. Thanks for letting me know and someone will be in touch soon. Thanks for the kind words about the blog and my best wishes to you all.

John

Dianne asked:

I have a quick question regarding the platinum gifts. My friend and I are traveling together next month for our girl’s getaway. She and I are both platinum, but not related. Will we receive one platinum gift to share or will we each get one? After seeing the new gift on Facebook today, I sure hope I get to it before she does if we only get one! (We are sailing the Carnival Imagination, booking number ******) Thanks for all you do, John. You are such a wonderful asset to Carnival!

John says:
Hello Dianne

Many thanks to you both for your loyalty and of course you will both receive Platinum gifts which should in fact be the new beach bag. I hope you enjoy them and please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. Thanks so very much for the kind words that was so lovely of you.

Best wishes.

John

Drew Manzi asked:
John,

My cruise on the Carnival Magic was awesome. Thank you so much for the ship on a stick and thank you John for helping me with the photo of Captain Cutugno which is on my bedroom wall. I can’t wait to July and we are going on the Carnival Valor and can you help me with my captain’s photo collection please please please.

John says:
Hello Drew Manzi

I am so glad you had fun and of course I will be honoured to help you again with a photo of the captain. Please make sure you remind me here or on Facebook and I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrea Gillett asked:
Hi John,

Will you be the CD on the 2/5/12 sailing of the Carnival Magic? We hope so! We sailed with you on the Carnival Dream in Feb 2010 and had a blast…do you remember “I love you more than corn?”  That was the cruise we were on!!! I won the cruise trophy for the trivia game.  Looking forward to sailing with Carnival again!

John says:
Hello Andrea Gillett

I remember that quote very well and indeed I will be with you on the Carnival Magic and I will do all I can to make this the most brilliant of cruises for you. See you soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Jerry asked:

Hey there John I have been a cruiser on Carnival for over six years. I have seen some really good changes on the ships I have gone on. I have asked you this same question before but have never seen it addressed. I was wondering if you could see if Carnival is going to change their age limits on their Club O2 where after the kids turn 18 to 20 can’t get into the Club O2 anymore because of their age being to old? have talked to some of them at that age and they are lost on what to do since they can’t get into the clubs anymore cause of their ages and can’t drink at all which I understand that part. Would also like to know what did they really do as an upgrade to the Carnival Elation this time because I have friends that just got on there and say nothing has changed at all. They don’t see any upgrades at all. Please address all I have asked you on Facebook and your blog. will be resailing on Carnival Elation in Feb. thanks john

John says:
Hello Jerry

I think we have spoken recently on Facebook, have we not? There are no plans at the moment to change the age range of Club O2 as it’s very popular and successful in its current form. But we do realise that we need to work harder on the 18 – 20-year-old group. Now we tried having meet and greet sessions and scheduled activities for this age group but honestly Jerry, nobody ever came and it seemed that the vast majority were happy to go to the nightclub and other lounges and meet new friends and have fun without our structured assistance. However there is no doubt that there are some of this age who maybe shy and do need a bit of help to get the friendships going. What would help is a specific lounge or area of the ship where 18-20-year olds can simply meet, no events or staff, just a place to sit and chat. This is what we are looking at doing at the moment and I will let you know what’s happening in this regard and please Jerry, if you have any suggestions please let me know.

Best wishes and have fun on the Carnival Elation

John

And that’s all for today

On Facebook yesterday, I posted something that I wanted to put here as well as I am aware that not everyone reads that page. Here it is:

In 2011 was there one Carnival crew member or shoreside employee who you think deserves the title of ” employee of the year?” if so and in 100 words or less please tell the beards and I who deserves this title and why and the winner will be judged by what you say. It may have been an act of fun or kindness or something special so please tell me who, if anyone, should win the title. Voting will close at 6pm EST on Monday the 16th. Please don’t vote for Gerry Cahill or me as we are judging this. Thanks everyone. If there is someone you would like to nominate please let me know here if you haven’t already done so on Facebook and my thanks for doing so. I will announce the winner soon.

I have been asked a lot on Facebook this past week about if or not we will be showing the football games on the ships and of course we will be. And on the ships that have the Seaside Theatre big screens some of the games will be shown there as well as in the sports bars. Now, I enjoy a bit of American football but never having played I do not have the first bloody clue what’s going on. I have no idea why it’s called football when only one man uses his feet and I have no idea how the heck any player understands the enigma of codes that the quarterback shouts out to the rest of the players. Just when I think I understand what’s happened and what’s going to happen next the game stops to allow for seven hours of advertising for Budweiser, Depends and antacid pills which may stop your stomach feeling like you have eaten a bowl of chilies coated in chili sauce with chilies on the top but side effects may include uncontrollable diarrhea, headaches and bed wetting. Anyway, given that I’m not a football fan I don’t understand is why a few of these posters make it sound like a total disaster if there game isn’t shown on their cruise.

Last week I asked the Facebookers if they had to choose between watching the Super Bowl or having dinner in the dining room and seeing a show what they would do. I was I must say gobsmacked at the number of people who said they would watch the football on Lido while munching on a hot dog. Anyway the games will be shown and here is the schedule on all the ships for this coming cruise.

So I am leaving my family one week earlier than I thought because on January 22 I will be flying from London to Philadelphia for a week before then flying on the 28th to Houston ready to join the Carnival Magic. The reason I am going to Philadelphia is to spend a week with some of the Carnival beards and CD’s Butch Begovitch and Ryan Fitzgerald. Joining us there will be the folks from Hasbro who as you know we have joined in a brilliant partnership to bring their game show fun to the ships.

The first ship to get this will be Carnival Breeze so I have to learn it and in case I drop dead from Ebola or if I have been whacked by environmentalists, Butch and I think one other CD to be named has to learn it as well. Now I am not sure why I have to spend a week learning this but apparently it’s not just a question of me going out on stage and telling stupid jokes while the Smith family from Michigan try and win a $1 ship on a stick. Nope, the sets are apparently huge and the prizes amazing and of course I have to understand the technical aspects of the show which means that it’s going to be a disaster as I am to technology what according to Anton is to wine. So it’s going to be fun and I will be of course telling you and showing you all about the game show which regardless of whether my fat arse understands it all going to be absolutely brilliant.

So I am flying on January 22 which is my birthday which when I told Heidi was met with some tears as she had apparently planned something special for me which as I sit here in my underpants she is desperately trying to re-arrange and I feel a total bastard again for buggering off. I will see them in March when they come for the bloggers cruise but after being home for two months it’s time for me to get back to work. Flying on my birthday doesn’t really bother me but what does is the ticket I was sent yesterday. Let me explain. My ticket says I am flying with one airline but I am actually flying with another airline. I asked the lovely lady Maureen who is in charge of our immense crew travel program and she explained it was called “code sharing” and it happens all the time she explained. Well what a load of bollocks. You see I am booked to fly with British Airways, fully expecting when I read the email ticket Maureen sent me that my flaccid arse would be wedged into an economy seat on a British Airways plane. What a plonker I am though. How naive. Because despite Carnival having booked a flight with British Airways, I will in fact be travelling on a flight with American Airlines. Why? Because they were “code sharing.”

Now at this point I can hear various anti-Johns sitting in their mother’s basement shouting at their computer screens telling me to shut up. It’s a plane, sit there and stop moaning you fat bastard. Well, I would do if maybe I was in first class and being pampered with caviar, have a choice of 3,098 movies and to be able to sleep on a luxurious seat that folds all the way down and where a sexy flight attendant called April will tuck me in and massage my feet. But I am not. I am in economy and the one thing that I really, really like about BA is that they have screens at the back of the seats. On American they don’t. They have overhead monitors showing bits of NBC shows and which if you were to watch for eight hours your neck would be locked into position.

I don’t get it. If I’d wanted to fly American Airlines, I’d have asked Carnival to book me on American Airlines. It’s simple isn’t it. Can you imagine if Carnival did this? You book a Carnival cruise only to discover we are code sharing with AIDA and you spend your vacation on a great cruise but surrounded by naked Germans. Code sharing my arse!

So I have one week left before the adventure begins and while I will spend the week away from writing a blog until Monday January 24 I will be on Facebook each and every day posting the news, the Carnival Spirit dry dock news and answering all your questions. Thanks for your continuing friendship and company and I am off to drink a glass of Mad Dog 20/20.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I know friends of mine who are reading this like my old mate Roger Blum and others will tell me I am missing out on an exhilarating experience. Exhilarating my arse. Going somewhere cold for your holiday is as pointless to me as vegetarian burgers and Kim Kardashian. Faced with the two options, either having fun on board a beautiful cruise ship surrounded by sun, entertainment, brilliant service and wonderful food choices or spending laughable amounts of money catching cold and knocking down trees with your face, there is no bloody contest. Smashed bones, stupid clothes, crusty red cheeks and a huge dollop of snot hanging permanently from your nose. You can achieve that effect by being the shopping trolley collector in a Publix parking lot in Alaska …..in January. The only difference is that the Publix trolley collector doesn’t bore everyone senseless with stories of their black slope accomplishments at Aspen.

I went skiing one time and one time only. It was many years ago with my friends Alan and Alison and my girlfriend of the time who was a brilliant dancer, super fit and had two airbags to cushion her should she fall, which she didn’t because she was brilliant at skiing as well. I wasn’t. I was crap. All I remember is the pain and the agony and the cold and the laughter of others as the fat sod tried to get up after falling over……..again. I hated the snobbery and the ridiculously good looking ski instructors whom unless you had breasts the size of the Alps like my girlfriend had bugger all interest in teaching you anything.

The reason I kept falling over though is not just because I have the balance and poise of Heather Mills…… It’s the ski boot! The first thing you must understand is the ski boot is specifically designed to be as heavy as possible and to ensure that if you fall over…. and you will …………. all the time ……..and your leg will break at its most painful point…. just above the ankle. Men …..The only way to prevent this from happening is to look at photos of Megan Fox’s bottom before you ski so you can cushion the fall with well, I don’t need to go there do I? Let’s just say  it’s like having a third ski pole. As you can see I am a fervent anti-skier. This is partly because ski bores are the second worst of the vacation bore genre (just ahead of people who hate Carnival and write on cruise boards about just how much they hate Carnival even though they have never cruised with us) and partly because I cannot think of a single redeeming feature about snow.

Skiing is not a vacation. A vacation is when you go somewhere warm and relax, eat well, have fun and see interesting places like Europe, on the Carnival Breeze for instance. A cruise vacation is where you enjoy that lovely feeling of just putting on shorts every day and changing into some casual wear at night as you head to the dining room, see a show and have a pint of ThirstyFrog Red and maybe catch a 5D movie. It is not mincing around wearing ridiculously expensive ski wear, eating fondue and spending all day gazing at ambulances ferrying people from the slopes across a picture postcard landscape.

For your next vacation, why don’t you take all your money and set it on fire? Then stand in a refrigerator for a week, beating yourself with a baseball bat until your arms and legs break. And then, after you’ve eaten some melted cheese, dislocate your shoulder — it’s the same process as going skiing. Or alternatively…………… you can sail on the Carnival Breeze.

Time for today’s Q and A…..here we go.

Judith Hodges asked:
Hey John.

My fiancé and I were on the Carnival Splendor and were met with a constant barrage of solicitations and advertisements for Carnival products and services. It gets old fast and it never stops. Royal Caribbean never uses the public speakers to advertise anything and you could learn a lot from them. We didn’t pay $600 to listen to some used car salesman tell me to go to the gift shops 20 times a day!

John says:
Hello Judith Hodges

First of all I hope you enjoyed your cruise and I agree that we as cruise directors do use the PA system to advertise revenue areas as well as shows and events and activities. We are currently evaluating the number of announcements but I can tell you that on a typical day CD’s make around four sales-oriented announcements and none are supposed to last more than three minutes. Believe it or not, many people find the announcements helpful as it supplements what’s included in the Fun Times newsletter. We do monitor the style and length of our cruise directors’ announcements and it is something that we will continue to evaluate. I do hope you both had fun and enjoyed your cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John.

Thanks so much for responding to my question about if you were going to be the CD on Carnival Breeze’s June 3 inaugural cruise. We are psyched and are booking our cruise this week.  We were on the August 14-26 Magic Mediterranean cruise and loved it. Can’t wait to see you, Calvyn and hopefully Ken Byrne.  Also, we are happy you increased the gratuities – it’s about time!

Love and kisses,

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georgie Marino

It is great to hear from you too and I hope you have been reading more about the Carnival Breeze yesterday here and on Facebook. She is going to be a brilliant ship and I can’t wait to show her to you. Please let me know if you need anything.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

John Lennon asked:

I just got off the phone with a very nice lady whom was very helpful…. yet the comment came up to ask or receive a specific question, that going through you was the best way … so here it is.

Carnival values the web site Cruise Critic opinion when it comes to cruising, so why is it Carnival does not do an Official Meet & Mingle? Actually offering a little get together for the cruisers which whom they are trying to get as return guests. As earlier said, I spoke with a very nice person whom said they would set us a section aside for an hour at the Ivory Piano Bar on an upcoming cruise but could do no more than that… no refreshments or appetizers?

So the question is why will Carnival do it for a singles meet and mingle? Put out food, have refreshments, drinks, yet not for a group of individuals whom chat about Carnival every day?  I am not just saying for this upcoming cruise we are going on. Guess you could say I am wondering why Carnival does not do it companywide and I realize from cruising on other cruise lines there needs to be a certain amount of people attending. So now what I do know? Carnival has never truly done me wrong, so I have nothing bad so say and as far as John Heald goes, I have nothing bad to say either, some may like/some may dislike. I will see what happens with this post before passing judgment.

John says:
Hello John Lennon

As you know I won’t usually post any mention of the Cruise Critic boards outside of requests for meet and greets. This decision was made by the many genuine people who go there to get good information and who need help and want someone to hold their hand through various aspects of cruising. I can tell you that I am happy to organise meet and greets but please understand that we don’t offer complimentary drinks or food as Cruise Critic readers book as individuals not as a group. We don’t do this for a singles meet or greet either by the way and I had a standard meet and greet set up on every ship but there were problems with different CC groups wanting different times so we thought it best to arrange on request which we continue to do. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you though and I wish you a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Delingpole asked:

Going on the Dream ship booking is ******. I just found your blog and absolutely love it. My husband and I will have been married 58 years and will celebrate our anniversary on the Carnival Dream on 2/4/12 and I have a huge request John. My husband was in the United States Navy for 29 years and he would love a chance to meet and say hello to the head engineer as Ed, my husband, was the chief engineer on a Navy destroyer. Is this something that can be arranged John, if not I understand but thought I would ask as you seem so willing to help people. Thank you and we are so excited to be on our first-ever cruise.

John says:
Hello Martha Delingpole

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I saw this question yesterday and so I have had the chance to email the chief engineer on the Carnival Dream. His name is Giuseppe Seccia and I have arranged for your husband to meet him on board. Gary, the cruise director, will be making the arrangements and will be in touch while you are on board and you can expect a little something from me and the blog readers to wish you happy anniversary and to thank your husband for his service. I wish you a brilliant time and many more cruises in the future.

Best wishes.

John

Mel Cohen asked:
John –

I am looking at the excursions in Dubrovnik for when we cruise the Carnival Breeze with you and wondered if you can tell me something about the Best of Dubrovnik as far as pax like me with walking challenges. I don’t have to use a wheelchair but my 77-year-old knees don’t allow me the mobility I used to have. Can I do this tour?

John says:
Hello Mel Cohen.

Thanks for getting in touch with me. The Best of Dubrovnik tour is an excellent excursion and our most popular in this beautiful port of call. There is some walking around the old town at the end of the excursion but it is flat and you don’t have to climb the ramparts at all. I have seen many people with walking challenges take this excursion and I have absolutely no problem recommending it to you. I will see you soon and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Lynne Cody asked:
Hi John,

First I would like to say you are a fantastic writer. You are very entertaining and informative. We have sailed with CCL 18 times. Our first sailing with CCL was on the Mardi Gras. What a trip!! There were 20 family members sailing as a group and we still laugh about some of the crazy things that happened on that ship. We will be sailing April 1 on the Carnival Glory. There are six of us sailing in three cabins.  Five of us are Platinum members. This is the first time that I am allowing my 15 year old daughter to take a friend. Her friend is also 15 but has never sailed. I was wondering if I would have a problem taking her friend with us to the past passenger party or any other functions for past guests? Another question (from my mother), this will be “Holy Week,” the week prior to Easter Sunday. Will there be any Easter services held on the ship? Since we disembark on Easter Sunday we were wondering if there would be an Easter Vigil mass Saturday evening. We are very excited to sail in April!

Sincerely,

Lynne C

John says:
Hello Lynne C

Thanks for the kind words and I am so glad you enjoy the blog. First of all let me thank you for your loyalty and I wish you had some photos from your time on the Mardi Gras. How things have changed and I see it was that ship that spurned your amazing loyalty to us and I am very thankful to you for cruising with us so often. You can indeed bring your daughter’s friend, that’s no problem and I will send a note to the ship for you so she can enter the past guest party. The sad news is that I am afraid that we won’t have religious services during Easter as Carnival does not have a religious program at the moment. We will ask the guests if there is someone who wants to hold one and maybe there will be someone on your cruise who will volunteer to lead mass. I wish you all a brilliant time and of course if there is anything I can do to for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Steve Wright asked:

What are the next ships scheduled to get the new 2.0 update and when would the first cruise dates be after those upgrades are completed.

John says:
Hello Steve Wright

Here is the link for you to read when the ships will receive the exciting 2.0 upgrades.

http://www.carnival.com/core/faq.aspx?icid=CC_Header_466#q-1012258

Let me know if you have any questions.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Taylor asked:

I am British like your good self and wondered if Carnival will ever have a ship sail from Southampton or another British port. My wife and I are retired and don’t like to fly these days and so have cruised with Celebrity and three times on the Independence of the Seas. Our friends Norman and Paulette Lawrence who I understand you met on the Carnival Magic said that they had a lovely time and how Carnival was better than other cruises they had been on. We would love to cruise with you so please give me some good news. Thank you John and we enjoy your writing and can see from your humour that you haven’t lost your British roots.

John says:
Hello Simon Taylor

I can understand why you and your wife don’t like to fly. I really wish my parents who are also retired could cruise with me more but the hassle of today’s airports and sometimes long walks to the gate and waiting time means they haven’t cruised with me since the Carnival Splendor sailed out of Dover. I am afraid that I really haven’t heard anything about UK cruises one way or the other but hopefully we will meet one day and enjoy a plate of spotted dick. Please give my best wishes to Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Lynn Adrionous asked:
John,

Very disappointed in your new menu which let’s face it looks as though it was designed by children.  Back to Silversea for us unless you can tell me it’s being changed.

John says:
Hello Lynn Adrionous.

I am sorry to read this and I have to say that while some folks such as yourself don’t appreciate our new menus the vast majority of our guests really like them, particularly given the wide range of different types of food offerd. We are always looking at our menus for guest feedback so your comments are appreciated. It would be wrong of me not to say that comparing the food from Silversea, which advertises itself as a luxury cruise line and charges much more for its cruises, to Carnival’s mass market and brilliantly affordable cruises is like comparing Megan Fox’s bottom with Judge Judy’s or my inner thigh to Johnny Depp’s. But seriously though we are listening to comments both positive and negative and will work hard as always to have choices on our menu that everyone will appreciate.

Best wishes and I truly hope we see you soon.

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on the Carnival Magic first cruise out of Galveston. The reason I am writing is I wanted you to know what a fantastic experience that I had with Carnival’s early saver plan. Our fare has been reduced three times and everything went smooth on the first two adjustments and the third not so smooth. And if it ended there it would have been a just OK experience. I want to commend David, Maria and several other ladies who I’m almost sure their names ended in A for their dedication to customer service. Although it took some time to get straightened out, it was more than I expected. Thanks again to a brilliant staff at Carnival.

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

This is so brilliant. Thank you for taking the time to write about our customer service teams and what they are doing to help. There has been a huge improvement recently and although we still have hard work ahead there is no doubt that Gerry Cahill’s focus on vastly improving our customer service pre- and post-cruise is paying off. Thanks for writing and I hope you had a wonderful time on the Carnival Magic.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and thanks for your continuing support of the blog thingy.

So in just two weeks time I have to head over to the States again starting with a couple of days in Miami and then back to what I love the most, being a cruise director again and as much as I truly enjoy and am proud to be the brand ambassador, it’s cruise directing that remains the part of the job I love the most. I have some special projects to work on before then including re-writing some of the language as it pertains to the life boat drill or safety briefing as we call it today. It needs tightening up, plus I am going to leave room for the CD’s to add, if they wish, a little bit of humour which in 2012 I think there is a place for. It can’t replace the message of course that safety is the most important aspect of the cruise but there is room I believe for a little bit of mirth.

Compared with what we used to say a couple of years ago the drills of 2012 are a lot different. In addition to important information regarding the actual lifeboat drill, there is information about environmental procedures, taking care when walking around a moving ship and much, much more. It always infuriates me when after making announcements that the drill is mandatory that when I look down from the bridge I always see a few people who somehow evaded the drill and are sitting on their balconies with a Fun Ship special and a couldn’t-care-less attitude. We then send the stateroom steward or in some cases security to inform the guests that they must attend. You have no idea how many give the staff a hard time and are really rude, refusing to attend. Anyway, look out for a few changes in the safety briefing and if you have any suggestions please let me know here on the blog thingy.

OK, it’s off to San Francisco we go and the latest update from Stuart the cruise director of the Carnival Spirit which as you know is in dry dock. Stu………over to you.

Day 2 started with the safety briefing to inform the contractors on board of the emergency procedures, like the guests must do every voyage. There were many meetings amongst the CCL management and the supervisors to the contractors to get acquainted and to discuss the projects underway. Much of the work being carried out at this early stage is existing areas being torn down and so there are rubbish piles everywhere. The place looks like a construction zone however anyone who has done a home renovation can relate. As always safety is priority and everyone is wearing personal safety equipment relevant to their job. What is very interesting to see is the female staff who normally wears the white uniforms, wearing coveralls. Admittedly they are not needed, but they look cute nonetheless. We had some really strong heads winds in excess of 50kts while sailing north to San Francisco so the contractors working on the open decks really had their work cut out for them. The busiest location is certainly the new Serenity project where I counted 35 contractors there at once, all working. Unlike me, who was offering shore excursion advice in San Francisco and drinking a café latte.

 

Day 3 — Just after midnight we were very excited to sail under the Golden Gate Bridge as we entered San Francisco. Many team members who have never seen it before were on deck 9 fwd to watch and take photos.  We arrived into the dock at approximately 3am    and I was awoken by a call from the hotel director at 6:30am. He said to get the camera crew ready as the “Green Thunder” water slide was alongside the ship on a crane barge and they were getting ready for the big lift. When I saw it I realized for the first time actually how high this slide is. I am a pure thrill seeker and I am stoked to have this   on board my ship. The crane team had little room for error as the crane lifted the slide onto the highest deck and at times I am sure I was not the only one who thought the ship was going to be too high for the crane. During the lift the ship was still in the water, and     had not been lifted so the ship could not go any lower. An hour later welders were fixing it to the steel deck. Several more lifts had to be made to piece the entire slide together, and now we have the Green Thunder on board, the steepest and fastest waterslide at sea.

Meanwhile, teams of housekeeping staff were busy tearing up the carpets in all the guests corridors, Technicians were pulling apart slot machines, and work was full speed ahead on the Serenity area. We are a floating construction zone of hundreds of specialist    contractors and Carnival Spirit team members stepping up to assist with whatever they can. Later in the day I got the call to make the announcement from the bridge to inform everyone on board about what dry docks are known for — periods of time with no water, electricity, air conditioning, computers or shipboard cell phones. And maybe no flushing  toilets. Reality kicked in when I found myself walking along corridors in darkness lighted only by the emergency strip lighting on the floor. But she is going to look fantastic when all is done. Time for some vegemite.

Thanks mate, another “bonza” report mate and we look forward to more from you soon.

It’s going to be very interesting to see what the atmosphere is like on the Carnival Spirit once she arrives in Australia. Now you may not know many Australians but I do and of course some of the population is made up of British ex-pats including my friend David who for many years worked on the ships with me. David was the ship’s doctor and we worked on the Carnival Triumph and Carnival Glory together and a few years ago he and his wife Susie immigrated to Melbourne, where he is a family doctor. I spoke to David over Christmas and he told me how he loves living in Australia and the thing he loves most about his adopted country is how down to earth it is. “I can even wear flip-flops to work and nobody cares,” he told me. The local attitude that lets him wear them in his surgery where he sees his patients is an example of a country that is so laid back. I have a feeling that we will have to think twice about how we do elegant night. I mean, will the Aussies want to dress up on their cruise vacation? I may be wrong here but I suspect the vast majority will say “No way mate.”

Australia is a dangerous place to live — and not because of the crocodiles, huge poisonous snakes and spiders the size of Rosanne Barr but because once you have been there and seen their way of life you won’t want to leave. Australians bounce when they walk and smile at strangers and say “g’day” on their way to an after work spot of surfing. Also, they have cookers in their kitchens but choose to cook their prawns in the garden. Those of you who may have seen Aussies on board our ships know how much fun they are and imagine then the atmosphere with 2,200 of them on the Carnival Spirit. I am sure it’s going to take the fun level to an even higher setting.

My only concern is……..will we have enough beer on board? And of course watch out for the famous Australian kiss which the Aussies love to give strangers and if you meet an Aussie on Promenade deck they are likely to want to give you the famous Aussie kiss which is like a French kiss…………..except it’s….. “Down under.”

Good night.

Your friend,

John

It’s the start of the New Year and that means celebrities and the rich and tanned journey to places like St. Barts, St. Kitts and St. Martin to detox the excesses of the holiday season. Detox my arse! Look, I know I am as thick as the Chinese phone book but I do remember a few things from Mr. Reynold’s biology class at school. I remember he would throw the chalkboard duster at people who weren’t paying attention and that he had breath straight from Satan’s armpit. And I also remember him explaining to class 2B that the human body will detox on its own without the need for drinking elderberry juice and eating weeds for a week.

It’s not just the George Pitts and the Megan Jolies who are doing it but normal people as well. Here in the UK the magazines and TV is full of the stuff telling us that their miracle digestive body cleaners are the only thing that can save us. Too much turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie and festive vodka cheer? Try Doctor Ben Dover’s 48-hour detox pill. 100% natural and composed of grated yak testicles and hamster droppings it is guaranteed to cleanse your body, mind and soul. Only $190 for 12 pills.

I am fat and ugly, I know that and I am not so thick that I am not aware that eating a bowl of sunflower seeds is far more healthy than eating a huge bowl of nachos smothered in cheese and guacamole. But doesn’t your body excrete waste in exactly the same way out the same area whether you’re eating a salad or a bucket of KFC? Detoxing yourself just a fancy posh word for doing a number two? If that’s the case take a few laxative pills and that’s a huge saving of money there and the result is exactly the same in fact add a huge bowl of prunes for breakfast and that detox will happen even quicker.

Time for today’s Q and A……off we go.

Vince H asked:
John,

Why does Carnival do nothing for police officers? I have been a serving police officer for 18 years and have cruised two times in the last two years both with you guys. I learned that Carnival gives heavily discounted cruises for military personnel but nothing for police officers. We deserve it and Carnival doesn’t do anything. If military get it so should we!

John says:
Hello Vince H,

First of all I do respect so very much the wonderful work all police officers do and understand the stress and danger that comes with the uniform. You do bring up an interesting point and I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate folks here at Carnival. So thanks for the work you do and thank you for cruising with us. Please make sure you tell me the next time you cruise so I can send you something to say thank you.

Best wishes,

John

Bethany Westwood asked:
Dear John,

I will start by saying how awful Carnival’s iced tea is and you should be ashamed to sail from Charleston and serve it to us southerners. It may be OK for them damn Yankees but I was disgusted when I tried it on my first Carnival experience on the Carnival Fantasy last month. It was also difficult to understand the crew who didn’t speak English and I had to repeat myself over and over again to the folks in the dining room. The food was OK and the shows were good but the lack of English and the fact that the ship was sailing from the south but did nothing for southerners will stop me going on this boat again.

John says:
Hello Bethany Westwood,

I am sorry to read that you didn’t like the iced tea. I have to admit that to me tea should be hot and served in a mug not cold and in a glass with ice. However, I will pass this onto the chef as obviously you know what you are talking about being from the South. The crew does speak English and have to in fact according to US Coast Guard and Carnival’s own regulations so I was very surprised to read this but apologise none the same for you having to “repeat yourself over and over again” although this could have been the ice tea………sorry, stupid humour there. I will seriously let the ship know your thoughts. I also hope that when you look back at your cruise you will see that you enjoyed the food and the entertainment and that overall you had fun and that this will have you back with us again soon.

Best wishes

John

James and Sandy McBurney asked:
John,

If you award an employee of the year a trophy it should go to our waitress Martina from the Magic Trans-Atlantic cruise. My wife and me have been on 19 cruises and are Platinum with Carnival and Martin was the tops. Her smile and her friendliness and her patience in the face of two of the rudest passengers I have ever seen was something that made me very angry. They shouted at her, clicked their fingers and one night argued that the steak was badly cooked and threw it on the floor at her feet. I kid you not. They were at the table for two next to ours and had complaints every night. I was embarrassed and at the end of the cruise I told them how pitiful they were. Martina stayed professional throughout and for that she deserves my nomination for employee of the year.

John says:
Hello James and Sandy McBurney,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. As you may know I visited the ship in Freeport during the trans-Atlantic and had heard about this couple from the maitre d and another guest as well. I won’t comment on them or their behavior but I will say that Martina, who I know very well, deserves so much for having to put up with behavior like that. It’s no surprise that she did though as I think it’s safe to say she is one of our star performers week in and week out. Thanks to you both though for taking the time to write and for those glowing words of praise that I promise both Martina and her supervisors will see. Thank you also for your loyalty and I hope we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Dr. Deany Cheramie asked:

Just completed a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy from Oct 22 to Oct 27. I found the experience a bit below the quality I usually receive on a Carnival cruise. The Serenity Deck was marvelous; it was wonderful not having to share a hot tub with kids and their floaties. The food on the Lido deck in the Panorama Bar and Grill was very good. I especially liked the pizza and the Rotisserie. However, there were issues with the air conditioning and HVAC systems. While my stateroom was mostly fine (we were port side forward Riviera deck), other guests shared that they had plumbing issues (flooding) and had to change staterooms. I also experienced issues with the team. The ceiling in the bathroom in my stateroom was covered in mold. I did tell housekeeping about it and it was cleaned immediately. My room steward Teo apologized profusely and said it was because his assistants were not doing their jobs. The plumbing issues continued throughout our trip. In the early mornings I would hear a “bubbling” sound from the bathroom then there would be a sewer smell in the bathroom throughout the morning. This issue was not resolved until our final sea day. Also, I found the quality of food in the dining room was a bit off. Presentation was definitely lacking — food would be shifted all over the plate. We had one rough night at sea fleeing in front of Hurricane Rina, but this occurred every night. Also, there did not seem to be enough servers. Our wait between courses seemed longer than usual. The wait staff always seemed rushed and did not interact with the guests very much or participate in the music and dancing with any enthusiasm. I am looking forward to having the Carnival Conquest back in New Orleans. Carnival Triumph and Carnival Conquest are two of my favorite ships, and I have always enjoyed my experiences on these ships.

John says:
Hello Dr. Cheramie,

You know yesterday I was accused by someone of being a “corporate puppet” and only posting the good stuff and what the beards tell me which of course is nonsense. I have always said right from the start of this blog that the day I am told what to write will be the day I stop. Anyway, with that in mind I read your post with so much disappointment as obviously we have some work to do here. I truly appreciate you telling me and I promise the beards will as well because not everything we do is perfect as this shows and its only through reports like this that we will stay at the top of the cruise industry tree. My apologies, Doctor, and I promise we will improve.
I do hope that overall you had fun though.

Best wishes.

John

Derek Vogel asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on cruise number five on 1/29/12. Joining us will be our daughter who has won a full scholarship to Stanford and therefore I think she deserves special recognition. Could the captain or cruise director bring her on stage and present her with a prize because it would be great. We read your blog everyday! Our cabin number is 6310 on the Carnival Victory.

John says:
Hello Derek Vogel,

I have to be honest and say I asked Uncle Google what Stanford was and it seems a very prestigious school indeed. I have asked Karl with a K the CD to mention her live on his morning show and I will also send her something as well. I am sure you must be very proud of her and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Carol asked:

John,

I will be sailing on the Carnival Pride from Baltimore at the end of January 2012. How can we find out who the entertainment will be during that time? Thank you so much for your time.

John says:
Hello Carol,

Here is the entertainment lineup for the last cruise of January on the Carnival Pride. I hope this is the cruise you are on. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have a great time.

John

Sun, Jan, 01: Baltimore – Welcome Aboard Show – 9am-4:30pm
Mon, Jan, 02: at sea – Wonderful World – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Tue, Jan, 03: at sea – Max Winfrey – juggler – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Wed, Jan, 04: Canaveral – Jazzin’ – 7am-7pm
Thu, Jan, 05: Nassau – deck party – 11am-10pm
Fri, Jan, 06: Freeport – Vrooom – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick – 7am-2pm
Sat, Jan, 07: at sea – Carnival Legends – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick

Dave Wojtylko asked:
Hello John,

We’re big fans of the blog, and of Carnival. We just returned from the October 22 sailing of the Carnival Freedom, and since you seem to enjoy positive reviews I figured I’d drop you a note.

We booked this cruise in celebration of my 25th wedding anniversary. A few weeks prior to the cruise my wife was diagnosed with gallstones and had to have her gallbladder removed, and due to some complications she ended up hospitalized for a week. After she was released and we knew that she would be okay, we still feared that she might not be cleared to travel. On the Wednesday just prior to the cruise she received the “OK” from her doctor, but with strict guidelines on physical activity and diet. Our cruise quickly shifted from an adventurous excursion packed week to one of complete relaxation and recuperation.

I can say with complete honesty that there is absolutely nothing about which I can complain. In fact, quite the opposite. Each staff member with which we came in contact was friendly, responsive, polite, and professional. We tried the steakhouse for the first time, on our anniversary, and it is truly something not to be missed. The staff in both the steakhouse and the main dining room took great care with my wife’s dietary restrictions.

We truly enjoyed the Latin trio that played in the main lobby most nights before dinner. They are truly gifted musicians, and we actually found ourselves hating to leave the lobby to go to dinner.

I know there were quite a few folks that were disappointed by the itinerary change due to the hurricane, but for us it was all just part of the adventure. We knew that the decision was made with our safety in mind, so we just rolled with it and adjusted our plans. We ended up booking the Sea Winds all inclusive excursion in Jamaica and had a wonderfully relaxing day in the sun. In Grand Turk, my wife surprised me with the Ultimate Snorkeling excursion while she did some light shopping then enjoyed a nearly empty Serenity deck. The tour company that runs the Ultimate Snorkel excursion has a top notch operation. They were very safety minded yet still fun and engaging, and their equipment was in very good condition.

Long story short, John, this cruise was everything we expected and needed, and we’ll definitely be cruising with Carnival again. In fact, we’re booked on the January 21 sailing of the Liberty. All the best to you and thank you very much for all you do.

Best regards,

Dave

John says:
Hello David,

First of all may I take the chance to say that I hope your wife is doing well after her illness and then may I thank you for this brilliant review. Changes in itinerary are never easy and I thank you for accepting them in a positive way. I will make sure the ship sees this and I will tell you that the Carnival Freedom continues to lead the way in our fleet ratings and for reasons you have brilliantly explained in this post. I hope you have a brilliant time in two weeks on your next cruise and I am so grateful to you for this brilliant review. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Peter Herne asked:
Hi John!

I just recently found your blog and wanted to pass on a comment from our last cruise on the Carnival Dream. We are platinum customers and on the Carnival Dream we sent in laundry with our cabin steward and my precious white shirt came back off white plus the creases in all the other laundered items were incorrectly done. I had even told our steward to iron them face down to prevent creases on collars and sleeves but he ignored me completely. I complained to passenger services and they offered to re-launder the clothes but they refused to give me the $110 for a ruined designer shirt. This may seem trivial to you Mr Heald but if you advertise a benefit then it should be done properly and I am telling you as a platinum customer it wasn’t.

John says:
Hello Peter Herne,

I am embarrassed to say that at 46 years old I have no idea how to iron something properly. When I lived at home my Mum did it all and then I came to the ships and my stateroom steward did it all and now Heidi my wife does it. My ironing skills are the same as Judge Judy’s pole dancing capabilities. I should point out that the state room steward doesn’t do the laundry. He will have taken it down to deck A forward to the laundry where a dedicated team will have cleaned and pressed your items. I sincerely apologise for this and and I have sent your comments about your shirt to our guest services team in Miami. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Gene Brown asked:

Just a quick question, while on the Carnival Magic’s last 12-day cruise we were told by a VIP guests about the upcoming changes. We have been trying hard to reach 10 cruises and have our 7th booked in Feb. We didn’t understand the misleading info when we started cruising about sister companies and did one on Princess. Or the February cruise would have been eight for us. Any way back to what we were told was that after the first of the year it would take 150 days instead of 10 cruises to reach Platinum. Being so close to 10 and trying to do at least one cruise each year it will take us many years instead of us trying to get it by 2013. Unlike most of your requests I am not asking for everything on board to be reduced by 25% or to have chairs saved for every event or ask that my luggage be delivered to the room right after the captains like most people seem to think they are entitled to.

Just would like to be able to reach Platinum the way I started. Our Feb cruise will be our first that has not been at least seven days. I guess we could have booked a bunch of three days and made it sooner but we enjoy our seven-day cruises and feel that Platinum is just a little bonus for what we love and not something Carnival owes us. Thanks for your time. Sorry we missed you on the Carnival Magic, James was good but I wanted to see you in the purple dress! Just kidding.

John says:
Hello Gene Brown,

I am so sorry I could not be with you on the cruise although I hate that purple dress. I am hoping that you read this so I can tell you that when the new loyalty program does eventually come out that those who are close to one of the current two high levels of Platinum and Milestone will not be punished and will have their levels grandfathered in. I see from what you have told me that you will have nothing to be concerned about. Your loyalty is very important to us and I will hope to be able to tell you more about the program soon. Thanks for the kind words and hope to see you onboard one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Well, as promised here is the first report from the Carnival Spirit which as you may know is currently in dry dock. This is a very important two weeks for the ship not only to get her ready for her last Alaska and Hawaii season but also of course to get her ready for her voyage to Australia. During the next 14 days we will have the chance to see what’s happening there thanks to Stuart Dunn who is of course the ship’s vibrant cruise director and will be in Australia as well. I will have a full interview with him soon but here now is his first report from dry dock:

San Pedro — January 6, 2012.

After the guests disembarked the many contactors hired to carry out projects onboard embarked and started to work on the ship down almost immediately.

They were wasting no time as the entire ship was being transformed into a construction zone so work could take place, while still protecting the existing areas so floors, light fixtures, lounges etc do not get damaged.

A large project being carried out is the replacement of all the 1,062 existing televisions with LCD flat screens TV’s. Time was limited to have them removed from the cabin, carted to the open deck 10 placed onto pallets and wrapped in plastic so the pallets can be craned off before the ship set sail. The entertainment technicians, myself as well as housekeeping and F&B team members were all heavily involved in this project.

As I walked around the ship there were tool boxes, shipping containers, cement and tiling materials, structural steel and so much more being craned onboard from down on the pier. After being onboard the Carnival Spirit for such a long time it is really interesting to see the ship transform from a cruise ship to a construction zone..

Oh, and I have yet to introduce myself and make friends with whoever has been hammering and jack hammering directly above my cabin for the last eight hours. This may happen later, much, much later………………..

Stu
Cruise Director, Carnival Spirit

I can’t wait to see photos of the ship out of the water. Carnival Spirit will also be getting state of the art new gym equipment and of course that includes running machines or treadmill thingies. We have one here at home and it’s used about as much as Stevie Wonder uses his Xbox. We bought it when Heidi was pregnant some three years ago as she said she wanted to stay fit while carrying Kye and I of course said I would use it too. Its main selling point was that it promises to get me fit in four minutes a day. Yes, four minutes. It beautiful machine, in an Aston Martin meets Star Trek kind of way. In the beginning I used it and so did Heidi but now it has become unused except for a brilliant place on which to hang my underpants while I get in the shower. Anyway, more news on the Carnival Spirit soon and my thanks to the super fit Stuart for his first report.

So let’s talk Carnival Breeze, but before we do, let’s take a tour of the new ship shall we?

The new ship looks brilliant and I know you will all love her. Now let’s learn more about the 5D theater from one of our technology beards:

Fantastic, 5D, what a thrill that will be and I am on the case trying to find out what we will be showing. It’s going to be a wonderful addition and you even get to wear Elton John’s Rocket Man glasses to enjoy it. The beards have also come up with a wonderful way to kick off the announcement, and here is Vance to tell you more about it.

To excite fans about Carnival’s new Thrill 5D Theater and to get them into the “movie-viewing” mindset, Carnival, under license from Hasbro, Inc. has created “The 5D Challenge: TRIVIAL PURSUIT Edition” on Facebook.

Contest participants are asked to answer movie-themed trivia questions from Hasbro’s popular TRIVIAL PURSUIT brand.

One prize will be given away daily for the next five days (January 9-13) with contestants required to correctly answer three daily trivia questions to enter into a prize drawing.

Prizes include a 50-inch 3D Plasma HDTV, 3D phone, HD camcorder, and a $250 movie theater gift card. Also Hasbro Video and Board Game Prize Packs, including an Xbox 360 gaming console, will be given away throughout the contest period.

Enter here.

I mentioned on Facebook on Saturday that I had just watched the movie Taken and declared that Kye will never ever be allowed to leave the house – ever. It was though a brilliantly intense movie and one I enjoyed because over Christmas I had a diet of Peppa sodding Pig, The Sound of Music, The Holiday, and, of course, Alvin and The Chipmunks at the cinema where the highlight was when Kye lovingly declared to the entire theatre that that was “Dadda’s ship.” Heidi and I never agree on movies. I desperately want to go and see Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 347 or whatever the new one is but Heidi has bugger all interest in seeing this with me.

I love death, destruction, explosions and lashings of rumpy pumpy whereas my wife prefers movies full of love and kissing and movies that are wrapped in a big pink fluffy blanket which is why while Mum and Dad look after Kye on Wednesday night we won’t be seeing Tom Cruise hanging upside down over a computer or people being shot in the face with by a gun that can shoot round corners. Oh no, we are going to see something by Stephen Spielbastard called War Horse. I would rather watch naked 80 year olds do synchronized swimming than this film and while Heidi will be blubbering I am sure. I on the other hand will be wishing the Germans would just shoot the horse in the head and sell it as burgers to the French. Talking of old war horses, there is another film about a war horse called the Iron Lady which is about something Margaret Thatcher. I hear Meryl Streep is sensational.

To finish with today I have to talk about last Thursday where I apologised for not keeping my promise of making an announcement. There were many who I read on the boards that were upset at me and I faced deserving ridicule. Then there was the lady who didn’t like my humor and the lady who thought my comment about care homes was “disgusting.” I guess that I just can’t win these days because you never know who you are going to upset. You could give me any subject matter: iced tea, announcements (or lack thereof), care homes or horses and I bet that after half an hour I could come up with someone who was prepared to be angry about it. Every day I seem to say something that someone who lives in their mother’s attic and who spends 24 hours a day trawling the web pages will jump on your case and not let go.

Unfortunately, however, in the current climate it is no longer possible to express an opinion or make light of the world we live in because you are bound to upset a pressure group that then runs around waving its arms in the air and calling you a corporate puppet and calls for you to be taken to Gerry Cahill’s office and flogged with a wet Carnival beach towel. I have been apologising a lot recently and between me and you I am getting bloody well fed up with it.

My favourite apology was when the brilliant Clint Eastwood ordered those gunmen to apologise to his arse in A Fistful of Dollars. If the gunmen cowboy chaps had said sorry, the film would have been over. But they didn’t, so there was a lot of shooting and, in Clint’s case at least, plenty of squinting and spitting too.

As a word, “sorry” is very useful when you’re having an argument with your wife and there’s only 10 minutes before the football (saccccceerr) starts: “Yes, I know you just trod in one of Breeze’s turds and I was supposed to clean that up. I am a useless husband and I love you so much and I’m sorry. Now can I watch the game?” Sorry works when you fart in an elevator full of guests, or if you have said there will be a big announcement on the fifth when there isn’t.

Elton John once said that sorry seems the hardest word. But that’s not true. A brave man, a man with a spine and some iron in his blood would say: “I am not going to apologise and if you don’t like my blog and what I say and me then stop reading it and bugger off.”

But I am not that man so I can’t say that………………can I?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

What I mean is that we check to see if Mrs. Smith who is sailing on the Carnival Dream and is asking for her daughter to get a free Rolex because it’s her birthday is indeed sailing and is indeed a real person. And when we check we discover that most are real and that maybe one or two are not. Worse than that, though, are the people who are posting comments who obviously have one agenda in mind, to cause trouble. I guess there has always been a dark side to the internet. And for all the fun sites and on- line shopping and a chance to look at Latvian women in suspenders, it also provides instant access to those with intent to shock or to provoke.

I have learned in the past few months that you call such individuals “trolls” and these are known for posting malicious messages in online discussion forums and blogs, usually anonymously, with the prime motive of upsetting other readers. And as the blog heads towards 13 million views and Facebook already at 21,000 like thingies I have seen a large increase in the number of trolls on our social media sites

Funny isn’t it, when I was at school, a “troll” was a Norwegian mythological monster that usually lives under a bridge. Sadly, the beasts on the internet are human and all too real. Many trolls I think are simply internet bullies and I am having to be more and more careful what I post. Two of the questions I ignored today were regarding a man who claimed he saw a crewmember steal his wallet and another that calls the nice people who read my blog and Facebook pages all sorts of names and accuses me of having a hidden agenda to take as much traffic away from another cruise site. What do these two questions have in common? Well, both are posted with screen names rather than real names. I would have taken the comment that alleged a crew member had stolen a wallet seriously but if that was a real accusation surely the author would have told me his real name rather than write to me under the handle of Parrotthead121. There are many legitimate reasons for hiding one’s identity online.

Your political or views, for example, may not always find favour with your employers of course but most of the time a screen name is used because the writer doesn’t want people to know who they are and that anonymity gives them a Superman/Superwoman-style strength.

Some months ago someone whose name I won’t mention here wrote a rather nasty comment about my daughter. This totally useless, sick, waste of oxygen is still sending in nasty comments which, of course, we don’t post. That’s easy. We ignore it and treat it with the contempt it deserves but I guess what I am saying is it’s getting harder to spot the comments that are penned by trolls and myself and the beards will continue to try to weed them out.

Now don’t get me wrong, I will never stop posting the criticisms of Carnival or myself but as the blog and Facebook continue to grow we will continue to work hard to give the trolls bugger all air time.

I am thick skinned now and I have had to be but occasionally it gets to you, doesn’t it? In cyberspace ………..nobody cares if they make you scream.

So on that note, let’s press on with today’s Q and A shall we?

Julie Hussey asked:
Hi John,

I really enjoy reading your blog, keep up the entertaining work! I’m not sure if this question is something you can help with, but, I’m wondering if it’s possible to sign up for the “Behind the Fun” tour, prior to sailing. My DH and I are sailing April 1 on Carnival Magic, for our dual birthdays, and 13th (eek) anniversary, and I would like to surprise my husband with the tour as it’s something he has wanted to do on past cruises but never has, and what better ship to see behind the scenes then the Carnival Magic?! Thank you for your time!

Happy Cruising,

Julie

John says:
Hello Julie Hussey,

Thanks so very much for the kind words about the blog and I am glad you are enjoying it. I am afraid we don’t have pre-cruise sign up for the brilliant Behind the Fun tour but please don’t worry. May I suggest that as soon as you board the ship, sneak away from your husband to the deck 3 lobby shore excursion desk and speak to the shore excursion manager? The tour will be sold out by mid-cruise but buying on embarkation day virtually assures you of a place. I hope you decide to go as it really is a super look behind the crew only door. Please let me know if there is anything else you need.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Steve Krafthefer asked:
Hi John,

First, I have to say I don’t read your blog very often (for no apparent reason), but my wife is absolutely ADDICTED to it. She loves following you (not literally anyway, that’s hard to do from Portland). Anyway, our 14th Carnival cruise will be in December. We’ve had a different cruise director on each one trip except Cory Schmidt happened to be the CD on two of them. We really enjoyed his work and wondered if he’s still a CD with you and if so, what ship is he on these days? Thank you for all your work! The entertainment is one of the big reasons we keep coming back!

John says:
Hello Steve Krafthefer,

I am sitting here, in my underpants, trying to pronounce your name…….not Steve……..I mean your surname. Anyway, I am glad you enjoy the blog now and then and thanks for asking about my old friend Corey. His performing bird show was fantastic and he was indeed a great CD. Corey left some years ago and is currently a movie location manager having recently worked on an Adam Sandler movie. I hope we get to sail together very soon and please thank your wife for all her support.

Best wishes.

John

Diane W asked:

I have been thinking hard about what cruise to take for our 2012 winter vacation. The choices were Carnival or NCL. I have been asking lots of questions on a website that won’t be named and have listened to cruise experts and NCL fans Tom and Cheryl and they painted a wonderful picture about NCL and they and others were really pushing us to book NCL and not Carnival. It was though the price that made us come to Carnival, our first time doing so after five cruises with Royal Caribbean and two with Celebrity. We will be cruising on the Carnival Breeze from Miami and I would ask that you assure me that we have made the right choice. We booked a suite (cabin number _____). Can you tell me something about the suite we have booked? Thank you.

John says:
Hello Diane W,

There is no doubt that NCL have really turned things around and kudos to their senior managers for doing so as they were in a deep financial hole a few years ago. I am though extremely happy that you have decided to book our Carnival Breeze and I see from your booking number that you have booked a beautiful deck 7 suite. I will be heading to the shipyard soon and will be posting photos of all the cabin classes as this ship will have brand new interior designers and the Carnival Breeze will look completely different to any other Carnival ship with regard to the cabin colours and furniture. So did you do the right thing? Well, obviously I am going to say yes of course you did, but I will also say that I promise that I will do all I can to make sure that you have a brilliant time and will be telling much more about the ship you have chosen to sail on both here on my blog and on my Facebook page. Please let me know if you have any questions and thank you for choosing Carnival.

Best wishes.

John

Mark Millere asked:
Good Morning John,

I just wanted to let you know that our B2B cruises on the Carnival Freedom were fantastic.

Our sixth cruise, 10-16-11, all with Carnival (fifth cruise review was posted on Facebook 10-29)

We were able to get the same room and same table for the second half, WOW that is nice to be able to do. Our room steward Isaac, (cabin 6287) again was the best of our 6 cruises so far. Very friendly, always smiling and took care of everything ASAP. Again, he picked up our breakfast room service order during turndown. Our dining staff waiter (Posh dining room, table 345, late seating) – Carla from the Philippines (Nop went on vacation) Asst – Alexis from Panama & asst – Indra from Indonesia. Again, all were outstanding — fast and friendly. New waiter, same asst’s, they worked great together. Carla called me Mr. Mark or Mr. P since Milissa introduced me as a “pain.” They always called us by name as did other members of the staff we interacted with regularly. Thank you to Jacques De Lange and Carnival for the champagne and fruit basket gift for doing a B2B. Due to TS Bastard, our itinerary changed. Originally it was Key West, Grand Cayman & Ocho Rios which turned into Key West, Montego Bay, Key West. We actually anchored in Grand Cayman, but after three hours of trying to tender, the seas were too rough, so we booked it hitting 22 knots to get to Key West.

The not so good — We had to go thru immigration before going ashore in Key West the second time. Long lines of course and it took awhile since they did it in the Victoriana Lounge. No big deal, but as you can imagine, some were not happy. We were just happy getting a 3rd stop instead of just missing it.

The good – It was absolutely perfect in Key West the second time, this made up for It raining all day the first time in Key West, When we got back to Fort Lauderdale – no immigration, just customs, debarkation was smoother and quicker. Thank you again for the gifts and another great cruise. Best wishes for you and your family.

John says:
Hello Mark Millere,

Let’s start with the not so good. Apologies for having to go through the immigration process twice but that’s really out of our control as that is determined by the U.S. government. I know through Jacques the CD that some guests really lost their tempers with ship staff even though they were following orders. Debarkation was quicker in Fort Lauderdale which is a good thing. However, let’s concentrate on the good and there is lots of that Mark and I thank you for taking the time to write it. I will make sure that the ship sees this and they will be thrilled. Carnival Freedom continues to hover around the number one spot in the fleet and you have proven just why that is.

Thanks so very much and I hope we see you again on board soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sharon Novoa asked:
John,

Why is it that you feel the need to use bad language and sexual innuendos here? I feel that you would get far more readership if you refrained from doing so. I love Carnival but have to force myself to come to this page to get information because I know that the things you write will upset me. We just returned back from cruise number four this time on the Carnival Elation and had a wonderful time. We did not receive a comment card so would like to express my admiration for our waiter Carl from Jamaica who was so entertaining and our cabin boy Igor from Croatia who was the best we have had so far.

These crew need to be recognized. John, please try and remember what I said. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Thank you,

Sharon Novoa

John says:
Hello Sharon Novoa,

Thanks for mentioning those crew members that really made a difference to your cruise and I will gladly make sure the right people get to see your comments. I know that my humour is not for everyone and I apologise if anything I have said or will say offends you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

Best wishes.

John

Lea J asked:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you very much for the champagne and ship on a stick you had sent to our cabin. We loved it!! Sad to say, we just got off the Carnival Pride today (Oct 23 sailing). We had such a wonderful time! The weather was unbelievably warm and as always the food and service was top notch. I am really bad with names, but I would like to mention four people who stood out for us. Trevor was our CD and we really enjoyed him. He was funny and informative without sounding loud and intrusive. He came across as someone who genuinely enjoys his job. Second was our room steward, Greg. That’s not his whole name, but it’s what we called him (cabin #5228). Very pleasant young man! He did an exceptional job with our room, which was a bit of a challenge with three adults and all of our stuff everywhere. Third was the maitre’ d Manuel (think that was it). He was very pleasant and in six cruises was the very first maitre’ d to stop by our table to welcome us and talk with us. Not normally something we really gave much thought to, but it was very pleasant. Last, but certainly not least, was one of the YTD head waiters, Rey. He was the first waiter ever to great us by name and welcomed us. He also recited the evening’s menu, and made recommendations to us. He was obviously very busy, but took the time to stop by several times to check on us and chat a few minutes. We wished we had come across him at the beginning of the cruise because we would have requested him every night. Rey is a wonderful asset to Carnival! We took my sister-in-law with us on this cruise. Her last cruise was on one of Carnival’s first ships many years ago. She is now asking if she can come with us on another one. Carnival has successfully hooked another one!!

Thank you again, John!

John says:
Hello Lea J,

Thanks so much for another great review. I know Baltimore is very proud to have the Carnival Pride home port there and we are very proud to be there and it seems the crew is doing a wonderful job. I know that not everybody gets comment cards so I am always pleased when guests take the time to post reviews here and I have the chance to forward them to the people mentioned and their supervisors. I am so glad your sister in law had fun and I sincerely hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Anthony Pozzo asked:

Question – who in your opinion is the best cruise director in the business? I ask this because my wife and I were just on another cruise line and the cruise director there was simply dreadful yet his reputation based on the reviews I read was that he was the best in the cruise ship industry. His name is_________ and he works for _______. He was not funny and we never saw him and when we did he acted like he couldn’t be bothered to speak to us and had no stage presence at all. One of the people we were traveling with is in the entertainment business and agreed that he was terrible. One other question, when will NY get a new ship as we don’t want Carnival Miracle – we want a new ship. This is New York, we never accept second best!!!

Cheerio mate.

John says:
Hello Anthony Pozzo,

Let’s start with your second question about the Carnival Miracle. She is hardly an old ship and I know many New Yorkers were very excited to have her there year-round. I promise if you take a cruise on her you will have a brilliant time. As you can see I deleted the name of the CD you mentioned as he doesn’t work for Carnival and because I don’t know him or his work so I didn’t feel it was right to post his name. So who is my favourite CD? Well the answer is every one of the Carnival CDs, they are the best in the business. I also have to say that I personally find Graham Seymor and Richard Spacey of RCI very, very funny and I am sure each cruise line has a star CD who I haven’t seen. The best CD Carnival has ever had…..well that’s easy. His name is Gary Hunter who now works for Crystal Cruises. Nobody will ever be as good as he was and probably still is.

Thanks for the question.

Best wishes.

John

Nick Mateusz asked:

There has been so much hype made about Guy’s burgers yet Cahill the Cutter continues to try and hide behind a slab of meat as he takes more and more away from the product and while you continue to cheerlead thousands of your passengers are leaving for other cruise lines or all inclusive resorts.

John says:
Hello Nick Mateusz,

I have a question for you Nick, mate. How do you know “thousands of your passengers are leaving for other cruise lines or all inclusive resorts?” Of course you don’t because Carnival carried more than 4 million passengers last year – the most in cruising and the most in our company’s history. Have you ever tried a Guy’s burger? My guess is no you haven’t. I considered not posting this and adding you to my new troll file as I discussed at the start of the blog but I didn’t. That’s because your question gives me the chance to say that bookings for 2012 are massively strong and that more and more people are coming to Carnival because quite simply the value for money and the fun they have for the price is unbeatable. Oh and the burgers are bloody marvelous, as well.

Best wishes.

John

Ellie Watson asked:

Booking for Carnival Splendor******

Hi John,

please can you arrange a table for four pretty please with sugar on the top for me, my husband and our two adopted children. Both have special needs and are a bit of a handful and we don’t want to disturb other passengers while they are trying to eat. We board the Carnival Splendor on 2/26/12 and I know that’s next year but I wanted to give you plenty of time to help us if you can. Thank you so much.

John says:
Hello Ellie Watson,

It would be a pleasure and I am going to ask you for a favour in return. As we are sometime away and because I don’t want the ship to forget please can you post this again on February 15. Please mark it “Urgent, Time Sensitive” and the beards will make sure I see it. You should be applauded for taking two children into your home and I am sure you are giving them a wonderful life and I will do all I can to make their cruise a brilliant one.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Mason asked:
Hi John,

I’m writing this question to you all the way from Australia. First of all, I would like to say how much I love reading your blog and watching your videos. I have been on five cruises in my life, three with P&O UK and two with P&O Australia. As you are aware, both of these companies are owned by Carnival Corp. A couple of weeks ago, I booked our first cruise on an actual Carnival Cruise Lines ship – Carnival Spirit and my partner and I are both very excited. We’re doing the cruise from Hawaii to Sydney in September/October next year. My question is in reference to past passenger numbers. I know with P&O Australia, any cruises you’ve done on P&O UK and Princess Cruises count toward your total “sea days” and are counted under your Unique Reference Number (the equivalent to the Past Passenger Number). I was just wondering whether Carnival Cruise Lines counts the cruises I’ve already done (on other Carnival companies) under my Past Passenger Number (I hope I’ve explained that correctly)? Thanks again for the great blog!

John says:
Hello Mason,

I see you have booked a Carnival cruise on the beautiful Carnival Spirit and we are very excited that we are heading down under and it seems from just how many of your fellow Australians are booking the ship that they are excited as well. Unfortunately those great cruises you took on P&O Australia won’t count on Carnival’s loyalty program I am afraid. The two programs are vastly different and interchanging them is not possible. I know that is not the news you wanted to hear and I apologise for that. However I do promise that the Carnival Spirit will bring a whole new level of fun to Australia and I hope to come down and experience it myself one day. Have a bonza time mate.

Best wishes.

John

K Hagan asked

On previous cruises with Carnival we have always been allowed to partake in self assist debarkation. We booked our return flight on our Oct 23 cruise on the Carnival Legend assuming we would be allowed to participate in self assist. The night before we received instruction via debarkation info that only US Citizens could participate in self disembarkation. I spoke with Tatyana at guest services and she advised me to get permission from the immigration officer and that would allow us to disembark once the ship had cleared. However when I explained to the officer he said it was not the immigration services rule and as far as he was concerned we could debark following clearance of the ship and take off our own luggage (two small carry-ons). I overheard a member of the staff saying to a passenger that he could not participate in self disembarkation despite the man’s wife being a US citizen and he stated it is for “National Security.” We made our way to the gangway as Tatyana told us to do so as she was helping with immigration clearance. When we arrived at the line we were told very rudely we would have to wait until all U S citizens debarked and it was a national security law!! I explained that we had permission from Tatyana and she came down to the line and allowed us to disembark. Needless to say had we known about this rule we would have booked a later flight and I am now concerned if we book another Carnival cruise will we be subject to this same situation. Why are only US citizens given the opportunity to use self assist? Does it depend on the port? How can I check which ships do this? Apart from the upset this caused for my family and I we enjoyed our cruise.

Cheers.

Kathy H

John says:
Hello Kathy Hagan,

It seems that there was some confusion here and I am not sure what ship you were sailing on but I will try and explain. Self assist is normally available for all guests, regardless of where they are from. Certainly on the ships I have been on recently it was not a problem. However, U.S. Customs & Border Protection will occasionally alter these plans from time to time, without prior warning and I think that’s what’s happened here. I remember a similar incident when I was CD of the Carnival Freedom in Port Everglades. I had announced the previous day that self assist was available to everyone and yet that morning I was told just moments before we started the debarkation process that USCBP would not allow anyone but US citizens this privilege. I will investigate this for you and sincerely apologise that this happened but I will also say that this was probably how it went down and although we could have communicated this better with you ultimately it is the choice of USCBP and we have to adhere to what they say at all times. I do hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today. Thanks for all your comments and questions this week.

I do want to mention something I have already posted here on Facebook earlier today. I had hinted that we would have an exciting announcement today and of course now we don’t because the beards are making a few changes. Now please, please don’t blame them. It’s my fault, 100% my fault. Now I know I am going to get a massive bollocking on other websites from people with screen names like UgoSeaIdidanumber2, Halitosis and Camelstowe and you know what, they have every right to do so. I mentioned in the blog on Monday that I won’t mention dates unless it’s 100% certain or not mention dates at all and just tell you as soon as I have it confirmed and I apologise to everyone who is disappointed that there is no news today. I so wanted to tell you about this new alas, my excitement was premature as although the news remains absolutely brilliant, it’s not ready for release just yet. So please, blame me and I apologise to those who I have let down.

Here as promised is the current piano bar schedule and the sign off dates of our brilliant performers:

Carnival Spirit Keith Turner 01/06/12
Carnival Miracle Peter Brenner 01/13/12
Carnival Freedom Marty Gast 01/14/12
Carnival Splendor Jim Morris 01/15/12
Carnival Legend Pollyanna Jones 01/15/12
Carnival Victory Jerry Selix 01/22/12
Carnival Sensation Barry Miller 01/26/12
Carnival Valor Doug Ross 02/18/12
Carnival Destiny Robert Crucilla 02/20/12
Carnival Triumph Lorraine Ingle 02/23/12
Carnival Liberty Robert Berhalter 02/25/12
Carnival Glory Tom Riccio 02/26/12
Carnival Dream David Filsinger 03/03/12
Carnival Conquest Larry Maconaghy 03/04/12
Carnival Ecstasy Frank Glenn 03/22/12
Carnival Fascination Milburn Dumas 03/31/12
Carnival Imagination Dana Honey 04/02/12
Carnival Fantasy Jordan Heppner 05/04/12
Carnival Elation Tom Grable 05/05/12
Carnival Magic Jerone Howard 06/03/12
Carnival Inspiration Seth Gibson 06/04/12
Carnival Paradise Del Woodman 06/11/12
Carnival Pride Roger Concepcion 06/27/12

As always I thank all of the above for their entertainment and a special thank you to Laura AKA Divetrash for looking after them and representing them when need be. The piano bar is very much in focus with the beards as you will see soon and continues to be one of our most important venues.

I want to answer something that keeps cropping up here and on Facebook as it appears that someone has started a rumour that we are selling the Carnival Fantasy and leaving Charleston. This is simply not true. We love Charleston and the Carnival Fantasy is a huge hit as bookings are excellent as are the reviews. She will always be a special ship for me as well.

You know, I will never forget the first time I saw her. I was driving with the CD I mentioned in today’s Q and A Gary Hunter, from his house in Gainesville. I remember feeling sick the whole journey because the night before we had eaten something called chitterlings for dinner.

Gary’s Mum had cooked it and I thought it tasted like a rat’s anus. However, being a polite 24-year-old from good stock, I smiled and cleared my plate. And afterwards oh how they all laughed when they told me that I had eaten a pig bollocks.

Anyway, we were heading to the ship. Back then the CD and staff did not join the vessel in Italy as we do now. That’s because back then the ship would remain pierside in Miami for two weeks or so giving us time to prepare everything. As we came of the I-95 exit to the port we saw the huge smokestack and I remember we both gave a big “wow” as we saw the ship that would start what was arguably the most successful class of cruise ships in the world. I had two very happy years there as social host and then eventually cruise director.

I first conceived my bedtime story on the Carnival Fantasy. I first performed my marriage show on the Carnival Fantasy. I had my first proper shipboard romance on the Carnival Fantasy only to discover the orchestra drummer wasn’t only banging his drums but my girlfriend, as well. That aside, I love the ship and so do many of you and she is going nowhere.

It looks like I’ve upset a couple of folks with my comments about care homes in yesterday’s blog. I certainly meant no offence – and bear in mind that it was all in jest talking about Carnival’s ships being used for retirement. I have a great deal of respect for those who care for the elderly and I know if Kye puts me in a home I hope it’s a place where the staff respect that I am still a functioning being with a sense of humour and where my evening cup of cocoa is served by a Latvian nurse……… in a thong.

I understand that everybody dreads ending their days in a care home wearing someone else’s false teeth and in my blog yesterday I was jokingly trying to suggest that one of our ships could be an alternative. Who wouldn’t swap a day of waiting for Judge Judy to come on the TV for a care home cruise ship where the views are one of the sea and beautiful ports of call and where you can mix your medication with a Fun Ship Special? It would save your grown up kids having to feel forced into visiting you once a week to hear you answer that, yes, it was chicken again for lunch and, no, you don’t want any more Werther’s Originals.

Me, well personally I would rather bugger off to see Saint Peter on a “Fun Ship” cruise than be in a care home wearing a stranger’s underpants. On that note it’s time to say goodnight.

Goodnight.

Your friend

John

Yet just an hour ago there I was, having to bend down and scoop up the droppings from Breeze’s bum and I realised how bloody ridiculous the whole scenario is. I mean, OK I am nothing special but can you imagine what it must be like for the rich and tanned? Take Gerry Cahill, our president and CEO, who is a huge dog lover and has I believe two or three dogs, yet he still has to clean up their poo-poo platters and what must his dogs be thinking? Our president and CEO owner has come home after a day of high level meetings about the next ship to get the magnificent Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades, and Gerry’s dog is saying, “Hey, everyone, watch him bend down and pick up this load. President my arse!

Anyway, before taking Breeze for his walk I had been told by Heidi and had read comments from bloggers and Facebookers that I should CONGRATULATE HIM ON HIS PERFORMANCE! What? So not only am I expected to scoop up his dinner but I am supposed to stand there, in public, congratulating him as he squeezes out a poopsie. What a sodding ridiculous scenario.

Look, the only reason I am going to agree to walk Breeze is so that he doesn’t crap on the carpet. My hunch is that Breeze will deliberately bottle it up until I am free to take him for a walk, just so he can humiliate me by making my fat arse bend down in public to pick up his steamers, thereby showing every passer by who’s the boss in this relationship. Still, if I have to go this whole thing then I am going to do it properly. This morning in the little grassy area near where we live I met other dog owners. One lady was congratulating her miniature poodle and in an annoying baby voice was saying “Come on Twinkle, do a poo-poo for Mummy.” So to join the club I shouted, “Come on Breeze, for God’s sake take a s**t will you!”

There must be somewhere where these picking up dog turd laws don’t apply. A place that has streets full of dog poo and nobody cares. Oh hold on………there is such a place……………it’s Paris.

Time for today’s Q and A………..here we go.

Vanessa L asked:
Hi John,

I am a long standing member of one of those big cruise review page thingies where everyone has an opinion about something…I think you know the one The reason I am writing is to tell you of our experience on the Carnival Victory last week. I’ll caveat this by saying that I have been reading review after review that, system wide, recent cruisers have found Carnival’s employees rude, non-engaging, and seemed genuinely miserable to be in their jobs. I’ve read over and over that the Lido dining areas are a mess, going for hours without cleaning tables, etc. I went into this cruise with the expectation that things might not be what I have always come to expect with Carnival. I was pleasantly surprised, when from check in through arrival to our room — everyone was incredibly pleasant to deal with. From the moment we boarded we were greeted with smiling faces. Every single employee we encountered smiled at us, said, “Welcome aboard,” made eye contact, and genuinely seemed happy to be where they were. The overall vibe on the Carnival Victory is awesome and I was thrilled to see that, at least for the Carnival Victory, the “system wide” reviews were not applicable.

I wanted to let you know about Oswald, our room steward. I’ve cruised about 40 times now (across various lines) and he is easily one of the best stewards we have ever had. He was always around in the halls, greeted my husband and I by name after one introduction, kept our room very clean, and immediately brought two items requested during our cruise. His personality shines and I wanted to be sure to let you know about his excellent service.

Please commend the Carnival Victory staff for a job well done. Karl was also a hoot to sail with and I enjoyed him and his staff tremendously.

I do have one “just curious” question. What determines what group number you get when you are checking in? Four couples from our roll call all checked in at the same time in San Juan. We were all at the counter simultaneously. This was about 11:30AM or so. My husband and I got a card for group 1. OK, that made sense; it was early, after all. However, two couples got group 2 and one couple got group 4, even though we all left the counter at the same time. In addition, there were only about 30-40 other people waiting to board at that early hour so I can’t fathom that group 4 was needed that early. In the end, we were all allowed to board using our group 1 card, I just wondered what the rhyme or reason was why we received everything from group 1-4 when we all checked in at the same time. Thanks! And I love your blog!

Vanessa

John says:
Hello Vanessa,

Thanks so very much for this brilliant review as it shows that while everyone is entitled to an opinion it is important to go onboard with an open mind which you did of course. I do know the site you are referring to and I guess often the people who write there are heavily influenced by the title of the website. Anyway, I will be honoured to send your words of praise to the ship and of course they will be so happy to see that you have taken the time to mention them. I will have to check into the whole embarkation question because you are correct, if you all checked into regular embarkation at the same time then you should I think all be given the same number. Maybe they have a system I am unaware of but I will check and let you know. Thanks so much again for taking the time to write and most importantly I am glad you had fun.

Best wishes.

John

Gail Laveroni asked:
John,

There is something for every phase of a lifetime with Carnival. I first started cruising with Carnival in my twenties in 1986. I was single and cruised (what I considered) often with my girlfriends. We stayed up late and had some of those moments that become a little blurry in hindsight…….especially when we had the pictures developed. (“Who is that I am standing with???”) Ahh, those were indeed good times. When I was first married I wanted to share some of those good times with my new husband so we went on the Carnival Sensation together. John, it was a totally different experience. It was like we were in a parallel universe. Being on the ship ‘coupled’ was great in and of itself but it seemed like we never saw the single. Granted we were enjoying our balcony When we had a child I waited until she was old enough for Camp Carnival to consider sailing again. Then we discovered she has a peanut allergy and I was just too nervous so we waited until she was 10. Last March we sailed the Carnival Freedom and she had a blast. Now I didn’t see the singles or the couples…just the families. Carnival has been a great part of my life for many years. My ninth cruise is coming up November 19 on the Carnival Dream to celebrate my fiftieth birthday. I can’t wait to see who is missing from this one! Thanks to Carnival for making it fun. You guys are awesome.

John says:
Hello Gail Laveroni,

A great post indeed Gail. You know, Carnival really does have something for everyone and you are right, we have certainly changed and in the 25 years I have been here I have seen the demographics change a lot from singles and couples in the 80′s and early 90′s to us shrugging off the old party boat image and therefore attracting the families and the older couples as well as continuing to see singles and younger people sailing as well. I am so glad that you are still part of the Carnival family and obviously I have missed your cruise on the Carnival Dream so I will say that I hope you had a brilliant time and hope that we see you soon. Thanks again for the beautiful post.

Best wishes to all the family.

John

Sam and Beverley Chater asked:
John,

I read so many negative comments about you that I had to come and discover what all the fuss was about. Your name is constantly being written on _______ and having seen what you do myself I have to tell you that my DW and I are hooked. We are not Carnival cruisers and I am sorry to say that we love Princess and Celebrity but every cruise line should have a John Heald because the information you provide and the fun you have in doing is invaluable and I bet other cruise lines wish they had one of you. On a personal note I see you are British as is my DW. We met when I was serving with the USAF in Lakenheath in the 1960′s and I have always considered myself as an honorary Brit.

Thank you John and you have two fans in Beverley and me.

John says:
Hello Sam and Beverley Chater,

I am glowing after reading this and thank you so so much for those very kind words. Please don’t apologise about being fans of Princess and Celebrity, OK, maybe apologise a little bit about the Celebrity bit. Seriously, though, I am honoured (spelt correctly) that you read the blog. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I know that people who don’t like it do enjoy expressing this on other websites and as I was saying earlier, that’s their opinion and I respect it. I do though try hard to provide a mixture of fun and information and I am so glad that you both enjoy it. I hope one day you will come and cruise with me so I can meet a nearly fellow Brit in you and a true Brit in your darling wife Beverley.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Mark Smith asked:

Carnival Legend Cruise 10-16/10-23. I wanted to pass along my impression of the Carnival Legend and her crew since I did not get a comment card. I am sure some on the other site will be blaming Carnival for the less than perfect weather we had ha ha, but it was not that bad, actually the overcast days made for perfect weather in my opinion. The rough seas were just part of it and helped to make the cruise memorable. As for the Carnival Legend, she is a wonderful ship and has easily become our favorite ship to date. Just beautiful. Our cabin steward was Oka and was just a pleasure to meet and did a fantastic job for us. His towel building skills are the best I have seen as well. Our wait staff was exceptional as well, Kaymen and Benito, great job and very entertaining. (especially Benito’s singing). I believe the asst. maitre’d, (not sure of title or name but think it may have been Miguel) was terrific, he was always walking the dining room and talking/checking with us. He was on his first contract with Carnival and did an exceptional job. As did the gentleman that was obviously in charge of the lido staff/area, I don’t think he ever took a break as we always saw him walking the area checking on all areas. We saw him request several things be corrected to his expectations as did Miguel.

Dee, the entertainment/comedy manager was excellent at her job and making sure everyone emptied the lounges and did not break line while entering; numerous times we witnessed her addressing people trying to sneak around lines etc. Meagan (asst. cruise director) was outstanding as well, such a friendly, willing to help person. Wee Jimmy, what can I say, he is excellent, the best CD we have had in our five cruises by far! He seems to have the knack of knowing just how much information he needs to pass along and when, without being excessive. He is always visible and talking with guests, just like he is one. We just loved Wee Jimmy, and the entire staff is a reflection of his leadership skills. The food was exceptional in both the dining and lido areas, and after meeting Chef Panda it is easy to understand why, he is great. The one area in past cruises that we have noticed is officers would not speak to guests even when spoken to, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that on the Carnival Legend officers would almost go out of their way to greet you!

The captain was very engaging during our Behind the Fun tour as well, even though he obviously was having a very difficult week with the weather issues and rough seas. What an excellent team this ship has and Carnival should be extremely proud! We made sure to thank each of these individuals personally and they seemed very appreciative to hear that. I apologize for the lengthy message, I could go on, but won’t. Just please know that Wee Jimmy and his staff/crew are EXCEPTIONAL and just great ambassadors for the Carnival brand. Thank you again to this great crew!

Mark Smith

John says:
Hello Mark Smith,

I am sure that a few Hugos and Camelstowes will think I am picking on you know what site in today’s Q&A but I really am not, this is just the way the questions are falling today. Anyway, the most important thing is that you had a brilliant time and I will be sending this to the ship and the supervisors because it’s a brilliant example of all that’s good in Carnival. I am sorry the weather was less than pleasant but I see you turned that into a positive. And talking of positives I see that you mentioned how the officers spoke to you and were polite and that’s important. Friendliness starts at the top and if the senior officers set the example the crew will follow for sure. I will make sure Wee Jimmy and his staff as well as everyone else you mentioned sees this great review and I thank you so very much for taking the time to write it.

Best wishes.

John

Cheryl Swartz asked:

My daughter and I are going on the Carnival Fascination for some special time together. She is a single mom and deserves special attention for raising her three kids on her own. Is there anything you can do for her? Maybe dinner with the captain or an upgrade? Our booking ref is ****** and cabin number is M77.

John says:
Hello Cheryl Awartz,

I see from your booking number that you are sailing next week so I am glad I saw this in time. While I cannot organise dinner with the captain or an upgrade I can send your daughter something to say welcome aboard and I wish you both a brilliant time together.

Best wishes.

John

Charles F asked:

Please can you tell the beards that Ken Byrne the singing maitre d is simply the best in the business and this coming from someone who has been on 51 cruises including three world cruises with Holland America and Cunard. While the Magic’s trans-Atlantic experience had some serious flaws the service in the dining room and the entertainment, humor and hospitality provided by Ken and his staff was the best we have ever received.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Charles F,

I am sorry to read that there were some “flaws” but thrilled to see that you enjoyed Ken and the dining room team so very much. Ken is indeed one of a kind and your compliment will be read by Ken and his supervisors and coming from a man with the cruise experience you have will mean so much to them all. Thank you and if you would like me to address your experiences on the Carnival Magic I am here ready and willing to do so.

Best wishes.

John

Sandy H. asked:
Good evening, John!!

My hubby and I just spent a fabulous week aboard our Carnival Splendor with my brother and sister-in-law. I had written before we left, requesting a table in the main dining room close to the action. Whether or not you had anything to do with it does not matter. (If you did, THANK YOU.) The table, 411, was perfect!!! We were blessed with a wonderful team waiter “Stan” and assistants Deanna, and Leoval who remembered us from our cruise on the Carnival Legend in April 2010. Then, to top it all off, we had the pleasure of spending many memorable moments with our Maitre ‘d Dessi. She made each one of us feel special, and even called my brother to check on him when he didn’t make it to dinner one night. Whoever hired her deserves a night with a Latvian for making such a brilliant decision! On behalf of those who haven’t said it, THANK YOU!!! (And we thank you, too.)

Best regards,

Sandy

John says:
Hello Sandy,

It was me, I deserve the night with the Latvian! Seriously, I did indeed arrange the table as you requested and I am so glad you had fun on the Carnival Splendor. The comment above yours was praise for Ken the maitre d and here we have praise for another true star of Carnival Cruise Lines, Dessi who I know will be thrilled to see this. I am so glad you had a wonderful time and I am here ready to help you the next time you book a Carnival cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Nicolette De Luca asked:

What do I have to do to get a job with Carnival? I have written to _______ three times and have not even had a single response which I find very unprofessional. I graduated from NJCU and really want to be part of the entertainment staff and then a cruise director. I have had responses from all the other cruise lines but nothing from Carnival. What do I have to do to get in?

John says:
Hello Nicolette De Luca,

Many congratulations on your graduation and may I point you in the direction of www.carnivalentertainment.com. This will tell you all about the jobs you mentioned and how to apply. Good luck.

Best wishes.

John

And on that note we will finish today’s Q and A…..I wonder why she didn’t get a response ………. mmmmmmmm?

Right, let’s talk about the Carnival Breeze which is of course just five months or so from being delivered. I have no idea who the godmother is and it will be exciting to see who Carnival chooses. Will they go with a star name or as we did on the Carnival Magic go with someone who has given to the community as in the Lindsey Wilkerson of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital? One thing I can tell you is who the captain is going to be and the man with the responsibility of being the Master of our flag ship is…..Captain Vincenzo Alcaras and here he is.

I am thrilled to be working with Captain Alcatraz……..bugger……..I mean Alcaras again. We had so much fun when he was staff captain when we delivered Carnival Legend and together again on the Carnival Splendor and I wish him many congratulations on being chosen for this auspicious position and I will have a full interview with him very soon.

Let’s see who else is going as here is the senior officer team for the Carnival Breeze:

Captain: Vincenzo Alcaras
Chief Engineer: Antonio Colotti
Hotel Director: Pierre Camilleri
Staff Captain: Stefano Battinelli
Staff Chief Engineer: Fabien Gervaise
Guest Services Manager: Ana Maria Dumitru
Housekeeping Manager: Niksa Pelic
Food & Beverage Manager: Narsing Jindam
Human Resources Director: Jovencio Frazao

And again, well done to these outstanding individuals who are considered by the beards to be the best in their position and I look forward to working with them all, except Ana, the guest services manager who threw me out of her office on the Carnival Magic because I farted. She has never forgiven me.

I have been spending a lot of time with my parents. I don’t speak much about them here apart from mentioning my ability to clear a room with my bottom comes from my father. Dad is 76 and Mum is 70. Dad has type 2 diabetes like his father and like me although my father is slim and has never been overweight. Dad also has other medical concerns but is (touch wood) fighting fit. Mum is a trooper. She has bad knees but her sense of humour and ability to laugh away problems and pain is something that I find truly amazing. But they are getting older and I find myself wanting to look after them more and more these days.

Growing old is something we all have to look forward to hopefully and I watched the news yesterday that said that in ten years time the average life expectancy for people living in the western world will be 98 years. That’s all well and good but I am worried because what actually happens when your teeth fall out and you keep putting the cat in the microwave? Seriously, who’s going to look after you when you can no longer look after yourself? Hopefully your children will face up to their responsibilities and ship you into a spare room. But in 10 years time your children will be working every hour God sends and be driving their electric cars to work and using their EyePhone 29 which will be implanted into their wrists. They will not have time to mop up your pee and, anyway, to pay the bills they will probably tell you they’ve already rented the spare room out to someone, which is son-in-law code for “We’re not having that farting old bastard cluttering up the house all day and watching Judge Judy.”

I have always said that my Mum and Dad will never go in a home and God willing they never will have to because Heidi and I and my sister will always look after them. But even if I wanted to put them in a home and I wanted a decent one for them I probably couldn’t afford it. A relative of mine, whose husband is 90-something, recently checked into a home in and the bill is 1,000 pounds a week! Bugger me that’s $1,500 a week. And for that there are no sexy Latvian nurses ready to give him a bed bath every night it’s just a room, with a bed and some ordinary food and some bad television.

Let’s think about that. Every dollar you’ve ever saved will not go to the government or your children. In reality, it will go to the owner of the old people’s home where you end up living. And all you can do, all day long, if you still have enough marbles, is hope and pray that you dwindle to nothingness before your savings. I find that bloody frightening. $1,500 a week, you can get a cruise for that….hold on……I think I may have come up with a solution. Where you can have a room, delicious food and fun entertainment and activities all day and all night – a Carnival cruise! There’s no doubt that the ship would run smoothly, but there’s more to it than that. Instead of being surrounded by a bunch of incontinent strangers guests would be enjoying the late autumn of their lives with people who love cruising. I bet it wouldn’t cost $1,500 a week and we would still make revenue from bingo!

But what to call the ship?……. mmmmm………..the Carnival Constipation, the ship that never moves……….. nope …………..oh hold on……….we already have the perfect name for our ship ……… the Carnival Paradise. Because if your parents are like mine, then for all the love and care they have given me…. then Paradise is the least they deserve.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I was determined to party my way out of post break up depression and find another girl and somehow Alan and I got invited to a New Year’s Eve party and I was ready to go. We arrived to find lots of girls who by midnight would be drunk, have taken leave of their senses and would let me grope their bottoms while dancing to True by Spandau Ballet. However, I kind of accidentally drank pretty much a whole bottle of vodka by 9:30pm and passed out under our host’s kitchen table. I woke up at 3.30am, disoriented, to discover that the whole thing was over and my best mate Alan had left the party without me but not before taking my shoes and socks off and taking them with him. I then had to call a cab which took me home sockless, shoeless and embarrassingly with a wet patch on the crotch of my Levi’s.

Since then the best New Years Eve celebrations have been on the ships and I will be showing you some photos of what happened on some of our ships later. The one I will always remember will be the Millennium cruise on the Carnival Triumph. I remember the emergency meetings we had about Y2K and what we would do when the ship was plunged into darkness and the world came to an end. I remember that every single guest was on Lido and many were wearing grand costumes as we had advertised months in advance that the party would be a costume ball and many were dressed in elaborate gowns…….it was an incomparable night and Y2K went the same way as the world pandemic of bird flu and never happened. What a party that was. My Mum and Dad and sister and family were on board. So were golfers Nick Price and Lee Trevino. It was also memorable because a guest stuck their tongue down my throat. His name was Steve.

So fast forward to this past New Years Eve. Heidi and I decided that we should throw a New Year’s Eve party for some friends, the first time we have ever done this and it was oh so different to when I was young. I am told that it’s when you are in your mid-40s when parties become something you hate. It is also when the desire to have rumpy pumpy buggers off and from feeling happy and frisky all the time you feel like a sunken chocolate melting cake. Whoever said that was pretty much right. There we were, sat stiffly around an immaculately set table. Heidi had prepared something called “gourmet” which is a Dutch tradition where everyone is given a tray of raw meat and everyone cooks them on a grill thingy that sits in the middle of the table accompanied by garlic and other sauces. It is basically a meat fondue and is supposed to induce conversation why you wait for your meat to be cooked.

And as the night progressed I switched on the television. After what seemed like three years, Big Ben bonged 12. “Happy New Year,” we all said. Delicately, lest the glass should be damaged, we toasted the incoming year. Somebody said, “Well, this is a damn good bottle of whatever it was we were drinking.” Then somebody else said “Anybody got any New Year’s resolutions?” and they all looked at me, the fat bloke, expecting me to say I wanted to lose weight so my answer “to get Heidi to dress up as a naughty nurse” shocked them and resulted in the first bollocking of 2012 from my wife.

It was 12:20 am and I just wanted them all to bugger off home. Now let me tell you this. If you are ever in such a predicament where you are tired, you are bored and your wife is massively pissed off at you the take my advice…….stick some jazz on the music system. The sounds of Miles Davis had the desired effect on most of them and they all said what a brilliant time they had and left. But three of Heidi’s friends and husbands remained and when jazz doesn’t work, trust me, letting out some humongous garlic flavored fondue meat farts will.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Dr. David Mensch asked:

Considering Carnival is a Jewish company, I was shocked and bitterly disappointed that there was no rabbi and no effort to hold a Jewish service for Rosh Hashanah on the Carnival Freedom. We live in Fort Lauderdale and have cruised many times with Royal Caribbean and they always provide their Jewish passengers with a rabbi and services on High Holy Days yet Carnival did nothing. You provide priests and ministers for Catholic and Christian passengers but not Jewish passengers. I demand you explain why as my letter to Mr. Arison has gone unanswered?

John says:
Hello Dr. David Mensch,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me so that I have the opportunity to apologise to you that Carnival does not have any programs for its guests regardless of their religious denomination. Now occasionally we may have a guest who is sailing who offers to hold a religious service be it Catholic, Jewish or interdenominational but for the vast majority of the year we do not have religious programs. I apologise that you found us lacking there and I do hope that when you look back on your cruise you will remember the fun times and the value for money vacation you had and I sincerely hope we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Bobbye Ghea asked:

I have heard a lot about the new loyalty program. I am one of the many that cannot afford to cruise near as often as I would like to, getting in about once or maybe twice a year. Took me 20+ years to convince hubby to cruise, so I got a late start. My cruise in January followed by the one in December would make my seventh cruise. I have never cruised less than a five-day cruise, otherwise the travel time makes it not worth it in all. I would love you to stay at the 10 cruise limit for platinum, even if you weed out the one-to four-day cruises (hopefully the five- and six-day cruises will still count). But please don’t put a dollar amount on it. I cannot afford, and many many others the high price rooms. I love to cruise, and would almost live on a cruise ship and visit home…

John says:
Hello Bobbye Ghea,

You know the fact that you have discovered cruising after 20 years of other vacations and have now completed seven cruises is testament that once you have taken a cruise other vacation choices pale in comparison. Thanks so very much for your loyalty and I promise the new loyalty program will be based on a simple formula that you will appreciate for sure. I understand totally that many can only afford to cruise now and then which is why we are determined to continue to provide the best and more importantly the most affordable and fun vacation in the world. Thank you for your loyalty and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Henry Bray Jr asked:
John,

I have heard nothing but bad reports on a place that you won’t mention about Cruise Director Jen Baxter and as we are cruising with her in the New Year I wondered if you could settle my nerves and tell me she isn’t as bad as she is described.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Henry Bray Jr.,

I know that Jen has a few people on the cruise boards that have sailed with her who wrote some pretty nasty stuff and of course that’s their opinion which they are entitled to express of course. It is though important to mention that for every negative there are many more positives. Now the main point that people mention is her voice over the public address system which they said they found annoying. I should explain that Jen is from Liverpool and has a very strong “scouse” accent and this may be what people are referring to. However I will say this. There is no more caring, passionate cruise director in the fleet and her desire to make sure that each and every guest has fun is unmatched. She is always out and around the vessel and loves to talk to the guests and all I ask is that you go on the Carnival Fascination with an open mind, ready to have fun and I have a feeling that you will be one of the many who count Jen as their favourite cruise director. Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Macy asked:
Dear John,

Last May we cruised on the Celebrity Eclipse and they have a new beverage package system where specialty beverages, bottled water, soda and all alcohol are included. It was fantastic in that it made things so easy and also we didn’t have to worry about our bar bill at the end of the cruise because we had paid for the package up front. I really enjoy Carnival and I am hoping that your company will develop a similar all-inclusive beverage program. I was really hoping it would be a part of Carnival 2.0, but since it’s not, could you please pass this idea to the powers that be? Many thanks in advance for your attention to this suggestion.

John says:
Hello Macy,

Yes, I am aware that Celebrity is doing this but as you are aware Carnival currently does not offer such a program. However, I will pass along your comments to the appropriate folks here and I will also talking about this on Facebook later today.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Mullins asked:
Hi John,

I do not have a question or a request. I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your blog and Facebook page. I have only sailed once and that was on the Carnival Fantasy May 2010. I was very excited when I found out you were going to be our CD that cruise. I had researched the heck out of cruising beforehand so therefore had kept up with your blog. But some last minute changes left Risa as CD, and even though you were on the ship I did not get to meet you. But I loved Risa and we had an absolutely incredible time.

And I cannot brag enough on Carnival and the experience we had. My husband and I work in the entertainment industry and really just wanted tons of relaxation, in which we got. In fact, after 14 years of marriage it was the most relaxed I have ever seen my husband. But at the same time if we wanted entertainment, we got it.

I broke my leg last year, so life was put on hold for awhile. But the husband and I are booked in February on the Carnival Paradise. I am once again glued to your blog and counting down the days until we are on the ship.

I suppose the main reason for me rambling on like this is just to let you know that among all the complainers and Debbie-Downers there are people who appreciate the information you pass on along with the entertainment you provide while doing it.

Good Job! And hopefully we will be on the same sailing again and I will get to meet you!

John says:
Hello Terri Mullins,

I am so sorry we didn’t get the chance to meet and I hope that following your accident that you are well on the road to recovery. It is always wonderful to read comments like this because every now and then it’s nice to know that people do appreciate what I do and comments like yours refuel me for the challenges ahead. Thanks so much and if there is anything I can do before you cruise again please let me know. I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Marsha Probert asked:

We are a lesbian couple and have a comment to make about our cruise. Until the second night of our cruise we had not met our room steward. We had taken off our tips as we prefer to give it to them in cash. So when we met him awe tipped him $10 and had fully expected to give him more at the end of the seven days. He was nice and left towel animals in our room almost nightly but on night four, we went to dinner but had to wait for a table so we went back to our room to use the restroom and freshen up as the restaurant was very busy. When we walked up our room steward was standing at our closet with the door open. He hurriedly closed the closet and stumbled to tell us that he was counting hangers for inspection. This left me feeling a bit violated and worried about what else he may be doing in our cabin. I complained at the front desk but nothing was done and we decided we didn’t want him in our cabin anymore and asked for a female room steward instead .This was a terrible incident and I feel disgusted that this happened.

John says:
Hello Marsha Probert,

Thanks for writing to me and I will have to look at your records as I have no idea what ship you sailed on. I can understand your concern but the stateroom steward was doing exactly what he said he was doing and checking to see if you had too few or too many hangers or was also likely cleaning the closet which is well within his job parameters.
I do hope you had a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Pia Nillson asked:

My family will be cruising together on the Carnival Splendor 2/1/12 and are celebrating our parents 45th wedding anniversary. They are very special people and as well, as raising me and my brother they have also provided foster care for 34 children many of who all put money in to pay for this cruise for them. Can you send them something please and if it is possible can they be upgraded to a suite. Thank you

John says:
Hello Pia Nillson,

You must be very proud of your Mum and Dad and how fantastic that the support and love they gave to so many children over the years is being rewarded b y a cruise on the Carnival Splendor. I am afraid I won’t be able to upgrade them but I will send them something for sure as a thank you for all they have done. I wish you all a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today…

If time allows I will talk about my new year’s resolutions later in the blog…….I will be writing one tomorrow and again on Thursday by the way. But one thing I want to cover now is my resolution to try and not let certain comments and questions get under my fingernails and set my three hemorrhoids flaring. Comments like this one which was posted to me yesterday. I moved it ahead of the rest of the many questions I have outstanding as it deserved to be answered. I think.

Here it is:

Esther Peck asked:

We just came back from a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy where we missed the port of Freeport because of supposedly high winds. I have been told by someone else on the same cruise that a meteorologist was monitoring the weather and states that Carnival should have known and changed ports. Don’t captains or Carnival monitor the weather and do their best to request/adjust routes to steer clear of weather fronts wherever possible? Why keep heading into an area of bad weather? I am also told that the Costa ship did dock so why did we miss it? I seriously question Carnival’s decision not to give us the port we paid for and I can tell you I am not alone. Was the Costa captain braver than the Carnival Ecstasy captain? If that is true then Carnival owes me and the rest of the passengers’ compensation for the port of call we had booked to visit.

Esther Peck

John says:
Hello Ester Peck,

First of all I understand your frustration in missing a port. It’s never easy to accept when this happens but I can tell you these decisions are never made in haste and always made in the interest of guest safety. I know from personal experience that when we miss a port our guests wonder who makes the ultimate decision whether to dock or not. Being “brave” has absolutely nothing to do with it and there are many important considerations to be made. As to whose decision it is. Well, there is a two-part answer to this. If the port authority says the port is closed then that’s it, the end. However there are times when the port is open even in inclement weather so whose decision is it to dock or not? Well, some people think that it’s a beard in the Carnival office who decides and I am here to tell you that it is ultimately the captain’s decision. He will decide if the ship can dock safely and if he says it isn’t safe, then that’s it, the end.

Now if we miss a port then it is the beards who will see if a replacement port is possible but once those mooring lines are let go, it is the captain who has the ultimate responsibly for the vessel and those on board. The captain will always try and dock up until the moment his years of seagoing experience tell him not to. The bottom line is that the captain made his decision based on your safety Stefanie and to question his “bravery” is, quite simply, ludicrous. I have been at sea for 25 years and have learned to always trust the captain’s decision. I truly hope that you understand and I also hope that when you look back at your time on board you will realise that you had a great time. Please let me know if you have a follow up to this.

Best wishes

John

Was the captain of the Costa ship braver? Those are the sort of statements that I am determined in 2012 not to get the hairs on my arse standing on end.

This week I will be posting photos of how some of the ships celebrated New Year’s Eve which is one of the most exciting times to be on board. Today we feature the Carnival Splendor and here are the photos as taken by John Ruiz, the ship’s photo manager.

Fantastic and as you can see Todd and his staff throw quite a party with the lobby and the lido deck packed with guests having brilliant fun. What a way to welcome 2012. Wish you were there? Maybe next New Year’s Eve?

As I mentioned the start of the New Year means the dreaded New Year’s resolsoddinglutions. I hate them. I mean, why wait until the start of the year. I am full of praise for those people who make a resolution and then stick to it…….me……I never seem to be able to which is why I guess it’s easy for me to say that New Year’s resolutions are a load of bollocks and that way I don’t have to make any. However, things in the Heald household are a little different now with Kye being nearly three years old which is why I have been thinking hard about resolution or resolutions………..I need to make.

And they are:

• I’ll give up smoking cigars.
• I’ll take up exercise.

I never make resolutions. I always break them. The last one is the one I have always made. I won’t even try to hoist my fat, cigar smoking carcass off the sofa because I know I will fail. The trick therefore, surely, is to give up something achievable, even if it’s just a tiny little thing.
For example, I could give up emailing or texting people to say, “On our way. We’ll be there in 20 minutes,” when we were still at home, with Heidi madly looking for objects like she’s on a treasure hunt. This year I’m considering further improvements and I am not going to moan or complain at other Heidi-isms.

I shall also not tut when she says, just as I’m getting into bed, “Have you checked if the alarm is on?” I also resolve to get into bed first once a week. On that occasion, if she mentions the alarm, I shall be within my rights to say, “No, but I am already in bed so you can bloody well do it.”

I’m also going to immediately pinch beard’s nipple (male or female) really hard if they are caught saying “reach out.” I vote this to be my most annoying word of 2011 and while in 2010 it was used by only Carnival’s senior beards it is now such a virus that it has spread to everyone from Gerry Cahill to the mailroom and oh bugger me…….it’s on the ships now as well with cruise directors and hotel directors all saying that we should “reach out” to the guests. Look, let’s get this straight. You can reach out if you are one of the Four Tops, but if you use reach out as in you mean to call someone on the telephone I shall indeed twist your nipple until your breast picks up the BBC Worlds Service.

I am also going to refrain from posting dates on my Facebook page as in “there will be exciting news about something on whatever date.” I’m an idiot for doing so because when Carnival delays an announcement I look like an idiot and it gives huge dollops of fuel for Hugo and his girlfriends on other cruise web site to say “Look at the fat bastard saying there is news and then nothing happens.” And in a way I understand why they would be a little frustrated so when I know that news is coming, I shall just say the word “soon” rather than be date specific. By the way, there is some exciting news coming soon, very soon. The one date I don’t have yet even if I wanted to post it is the exact start and release dates for our brilliant new loyalty program which I know many are waiting for and I will let you know any more news on this as soon as I have it and tell you roughly I (not date specific) when it will be out.

However, as I said, Kye is nearly three and I want to spend at least another 40 years with her. So, I have to continue to try and lose more weight. This will help me in so many ways. I won’t need a seat belt extension on American sodding Eagle and it will give me a chance to see my thingy. While I was having my carpool tunnel surgery I asked Doctor Longfinger that I had problems seeing my thingy because of my stomach. “Why don’t you diet?” he asked. “What colour is it now?” I replied. Yep, I have to continue to lose weight as I would love to host the naming ceremony of the Carnival Breeze without doing fat jokes about myself.

You know I just had a thought that many of you, except those living in sunny places may agree with. Let’s move New Year’s resolutions to July? I mean, why do we do it in January? We have spent money we don’t have on presents, trees and plastic glowing Santas and have eaten the equivalent of a baby elephant. Yet up runs the New Year we must get fit resolution and tells us that you must put on your Nikes and summon up the determination that eludes you the other sodding 11 months of the year. And eat only lettuce for lunch. Drink three liters of water. While jogging. When it’s minus 10 bloody degrees outside. What a load of bollocks.

Cold weather promotes sitting by the fire eating a hearty plate of dead animal not running around the icy streets in weather so cold it shrinks your thingy down to the size of a baby carrot. So let’s say bollocks to the New Year’s resolutions and join me in mid-year resolutions when the sun will shine, encouraging us to put on our tight jogging shorts exercise. This will be followed by a crisp salad in the shade for lunch. Those in favour say “Yes John” and join me in protesting New Year’s resolutions by eating a huge bucket of KFC.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

We should start a Blog Award for bad rumpy pumpy in movies. It’s so unrealistic isn’t it? I mean, in real life, do people really have rumpy pumpy standing up in public elevators, fully completing the act between floors 1 and 9? Good grief, if a pair of deer antlers in the dining room is going to have the Carnival haters up in arms, imagine the thread if someone was waiting for an elevator on deck 9 of the Carnival Fantasy and the doors opened to reveal a couple going at it like rabbits.

So in Fatal Attraction there is a bit of rumpy pumpy that is just bloody ridiculous. I mean, is there any lady reading this blog who would enjoy being humped vigorously on a sink full of dirty dishes. Leftover chili and bits of mac and cheese on the privates is I think something of a passion killer. I mentioned this to Heidi who promptly replied that it’s all done as a spur of the moment act of passion and that it’s erotic. She replied by saying that rumpy pumpy with me was about as erotic as an Amway conference.

And on that not it’s time for some Q and A…………………off we go.

Tina Palacios asked:

I am going to be on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I need some help. There are 52 of us from Cruise Critic and we are looking for chance to meet on the Carnival Dream. The bar on Lido deck is always so busy and we don’t want other passengers to be with us. I’ve been going over the deck plans but I don’t know if there are any areas off limits or closed. I believe Sunday the sea day, would be the best day for everyone to meet like maybe 2 pm? What do you think? Where can we meet?

John says:
Hello Tina Palacios,

I would suggest that we use the piano bar or one of the conference rooms and I have asked the Cruise Director Gary to help me arrange this for you. When the Fun Times arrives in your cabin you will see that there will be a Cruise Critic meeting listed for that sea day afternoon and the location will be confirmed there. I hope you all have a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Fred and Jeanette Nardine asked:
John,

Please reply…how long will Ken be aboard the Carnival Magic? We will be sailing on her in April and would really hope that he is still there and that you could help assign us to his dining room on a table with other passengers. He really is a star and we love his voice and his Irish charm. Thanks John for helping us with this and our booking number is ******. This will be cruise number 17 for us and it will also be our 55th wedding anniversary.

John says:
Hello Fred and Jeanette Nardine,

Well the bad news is that Ken won’t be with you as he will be in the shipyard preparing the new Carnival Breeze. The good news is that you let me know your celebrating your 55th wedding anniversary and that means I can send you something to say many congratulations. I am sorry Ken won’t be there, he is indeed a star but I am sure you will have a brilliant time regardless and if there is anything else you think I can help you with please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Steven Kowalczyk asked:
John,

I cannot tell you how angry and disappointed I was that the American flag did not fly at the aft of the Carnival Magic on Veterans Day. As a Vietnam veteran myself I am sure I speak for others that the sight of a foreign flag of Panama. This is a disgusting slap in the face for all those who have served and for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice. I will never cruise Carnival again because of this.

John says:
Hello Steven Kowalczyk,

I am very sorry to see that you are so upset by this and please allow me to explain. The flag we fly off the aft of the ship is indeed the Panamanian flag as that is where the ship is registered. We are therefore not allowed to fly any other flag there. However, I do know that we had a large Stars and Stripes hung in the atrium and that there was a large Veterans Day celebration held in the main lounge which was I believe very well attended. Carnival certainly acknowledges the service you and your colleagues gave and are still giving today and we thank you so much for fighting for the freedom we all have to enjoy cruising today. I hope this brief apology and explanation will see you return to have more fun with us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Kris Basu asked:
We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor on 1/8/12. This will be my daughter’s first cruise and her birthday is on the Tuesday of the cruise. I want this to be extra special for her. Abhaya turns 9.

Thanks.

John says:
Hello Kris Basu,

Thanks for writing and may I suggest that you could have the cabin decorated. You can arrange this through the Bon Voyage department or onboard at the Celebrations shop as I am sure she will find this a great surprise. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and I will also send her a birthday something as well.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sabrina asked:

Mr. Heald “brand ambassador” a title you do not deserve and I have written today to Gerry Cahill and Micky Arison stating so! You wrote in your blog today that the show “Dancing in the Streets” is the not to be missed show on the Carnival Dream, but we walked out half-way through. That was the first time in over 50 cruises we walked out on a show. Terrible music and sound; poor lighting, high school quality sets, misogynist themes and childish behavior. Silly pole dancing and trampoline tumbling on too small a stage. Leave the juvenile hip-hop shenanigans in the slums of New York or on MTV where it belongs; not on the main stage of a cruise liner with grandma and grandpa in the audience as well as sophisticated travelers.

John says:
Wussup Sabrina,

Isn’t it funny — “Dancin In The Street” is a show that consistently gets huge standing ovations and reviews that glow like a squirrel from Chernobyl. Obviously it isn’t for everyone as your review shows and I am very sorry that you didn’t like it. I do hope you enjoyed the Motown and country shows that were also performed for you as well as the variety shows and the Punchliner comedy club shows. I do though as brand ambassador and as a cruise director stand behind the show and will respectfully continue to recommend it to anyone who sails on the Carnival Dream not to miss it. I do hope you had a brilliant time. Respect to the home boys.

East side!

John

Terri Callow asked:
John,

I just returned from the Carnival Liberty and in all my eight cruises this was by far the friendliest crew we have ever experienced. Our room steward Mansour who never stopped smiling and our waiter Nassi and his team were so funny and always took time to stand and talk with us at the meals end. Every employee we encountered had a smile and a warm welcome.

I had read a lot of negative comments about the new menu. I won’t say where but I have a feeling you will know without me writing it. I have always believed in making my own mind up and not listening to others but I have to admit I was somewhat nervous based again on those reviews. But we loved it. We especially liked the Didja servings which gave us a chance to experience something different like alligator, shark, escargot and so on. We ate breakfast every morning on the Lido deck moved around for lunch from the Lido to the incredible Guys burgers which are partly responsible for me going up two dress sizes. So I am living proof that its best to go into something with an open mind and you will have fun. Next up for us is a cruise on the Queen Mary 2 in the Caribbean and we are really looking forward to that. Thanks John and keep writing the blogs and take care of yourself because we love you.

John says:
Hello Terri Callow,

You are indeed a brilliant example of making your own mind up and not being influenced by others and I am so glad you had such a wonderful time. I will make sure that the crew you mentioned gets to see what you have written and they will be thrilled as I was thrilled in reading how you thought that the crew was so friendly. I am also glad you enjoyed the food and the Didja items and of course the Guys burgers, even though they are responsible for your ummmm ……..need for a new dress. I hope you have a brilliant time on the Queen Mary 2. She just had an extensive re-fit and I am sure you will find her as I did to be an incomparable ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the very kind words and I hope we see you again on a Carnival ship very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Susan V asked:

I posted this THREE TIMES already but failed to get an answer! We are a group of 8 ladies on a girl’s only trip on the Carnival Fascination departing on 1/2/12. We will be celebrating 4 birthdays. Will carnival do something special for us? Our cabin numbers are
R77, R89, R93,R99

I hope you respond before we cruise. THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Susan V.,

It sounds like the girls are going to have a brilliant time and I will send you something to share that I am sure you will enjoy. I am sorry I haven’t responded before now but I am glad I saw this before the start of your cruise. Best wishes to all and have fun.

John

Ray Barry asked:
John,

I was wondering if you know of a wonderful entertainer who was in the piano bar for quite a few years named Ed. He was absolutely hilarious, especially after midnight. Do you know if he is still with Carnival and what ship he is on?

John says:
Hello Ray Barry,

You are referring I think to Ed Rocks who was indeed one of the very best piano bar entertainers we have ever had. He has been back with us here and there but at the moment he is not working for Carnival and I have no idea where he is. I wonder if our President of the Piano Entertainers Appreciation Society Laura “aka Dive Trash” may know where he is now and if so can let you know here on the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Wendi asked:
Hello John.

I am writing to you because I know you are a cigar lover just like my husband and I need your advice. I am cruising on the Carnival Glory to Cozumel and Cayman with Mom and want to buy my husband some cigars. My husband is serving in Afghanistan with his fellow Marines and I know he would love a couple of good cigars. I wondered if you could tell me where to go. By the way, you may remember us (or not) as we cruised with you in 2009 on the Carnival Legend and you had my husband on stage in his dress uniform and the audience all stood up for him which made him feel so special.

Thanks John from us both.

John says:
Hello Wendi,

I do indeed remember you from the Carnival Legend and please would you send my very best wishes to your husband for his continuing service and I hope he comes home to you very soon. Meanwhile we need to get some cigars sorted out for him don’t we. Many of the cigar rollers will take the crap that’s left over at the end of the day, roll a few, stick a band on them and call them “premium cigars.” They look real, feel real, but like Pamela Andersen’s breasts they are hard and taste of chemicals. The best places to buy cigars is at a Casa De Habana in Grand Cayman. It is on the waterfront and owned by a great chap and a true cigar aficionado whose name is Emilio. You can expect to pay around $20 and up for a good cigar and yet I am sure that your husband will find them to be priceless. Have a wonderful cruise and again please send my best wishes to your husband.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

One of the highlights of 2011 here on the blog thingy has been the brilliant photography of Mr. Radu and we finish 2011 with yet more amazing photos. Here is Mr. Radu to introduce them to you.

Dear John,

This morning we have been in Costa Maya, and we met Carnival Magic, so we had two ships Carnival Legend and Carnival Magic docked together. Unfortunately most of the day was raining. I did take some pictures from Carnival Legend just when the Carnival Magic arrived and few from the port. Here they are:

Please can I thank your blog readers and people on Facebook for their nice words about me and I love taking photos for them.

Radu Ursu
Senior Photographer
Carnival Cruise Lines

Thanks Radu and of course it us who should be thanking you which I am sure many will do when they post comments here today. We all look forward to more brilliant photos from you in 2012.

So let’s look forward to 2012 and before I chat with you about some of the things that we have to look forward to we can and should talk about something that is already a feature on some ships and are now fleet wide. I am talking about the Sail & Sign Kiosks. These kiosks give you the chance to do the following:

• Check your S&S Balance
• View/Print your Statement
• Apply Payments (Cash and Credit Card)
• Withdraw Cash ($5 or more)
• Change Bills into Smaller Bills (Kiosk will dispense $20 / $10 / $5

And they look like this:

Now the very first time you use the kiosk it will, for security reasons, prompt you to set up a security pin (4 digits) similar to the casino slot machines and also a security question in case they forget their pin number. This can all be updated / reset at the kiosk. Each time you visit the kiosk after all you need is your S&S card and the pin number.

All the ships have them now and let’s see where these brilliant Kiosks will be on the ship you are sailing on:

Destiny Class

Destiny – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Triumph – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

Conquest Class

Freedom -  Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Liberty – Deck 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Valor – Deck 3 Lobby Std Side near D/R Entrance; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Glory – Deck 3 Lobby Std Side near D/R Entrance; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

Fantasy Class

Sensation – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 by the Coffee Shop
Imagination – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 Midship by the LCE Desk
Ecstasy – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 by the Coffee Shop
Legend Deck – 2 Midship inside the Casino; Deck 2 fwd by the Coffee Shop
Inspiration – Deck 7 Lobby near ATM; Deck 9 Midship by the LCE Desk

Dream Class

Dream Deck – 3 Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop
Magic Deck 3 – Lobby Opposite GS; Deck 5 Port Side opposite Gift Shop

The kiosks have been very well received by guests and of course they take away some of the lines at the Guest Services Desk. So, if you want to see how much your wife has spent on your Sail & Sign card, change some money or print your statement you don’t have to wait in line at the Guest Services Desk while another guests stands there for 30 minutes complaining that there was too much hip hop on the ship. My sincere thanks to my colleague Gaynor for helping me with this and I am sure that she and her team will have more surprises for us in the year ahead.

So what else will 2012 bring? Let’s see. We will finally be announcing our new loyalty program. This has been a long time coming and I know it sounds like an excuse as big as my stomach when I say that we are waiting for the tofu eaters over at IT to finish what will be the largest program they have ever written. The changes are immense and it’s no secret is it that the old system of basing the loyalty on the number of cruises will be changing. I have also been promised that those who are very close to a particular level will not be punished and that they will be “grandfathered” into the levels. Now I do know when we are expected to go live with this but as I don’t want many different shoes inserted into my bottom I am not going to say when until it is 100% definite. I can tell you that Ron the VP beard who has put this together has been reading the blog and mine and Carnival’s Facebook pages everyday to see what you are saying and I can tell you he is totally dedicated to making our new loyalty program the best in the industry.

In 2012 the Carnival Spirit will head to Australia and I’m told that reservations are moving along very well. She is having a two-week dry dock and as I mentioned yesterday the Cruise Director Stuart will be with the ship and reporting on what’s happening there. The Aussies love to cruise. Remember this is a nation that goes to work in shorts and who ignores the fact that they have kitchens and cook every meal in the garden despite there being spiders the size of Hummers and snakes more venomous than a “I Hate Carnival” Cruise Critic poster. Yep, this is a fun country and we are all sure that the ship will be a “bonza” success down under.

But of course that means we have to replace the Carnival Spirit with another ship in Alaska and in the early part of 2012 we will be telling you which ship that will be. I think you will all be very pleased when you hear and it may just encourage those who have never cruised the last frontier to do so. There will be lots of other surprises along the way – which I can’t get into now but believe me it’ll be worth the wait. As for 2012 I have the Bloggers Cruise in March and the new Carnival Breeze in June. She is going to be a very special ship with new architects and designers who have created a ship unlike any other Carnival vessel complete with some features we have never had before. I can’t wait to show her off to you all.

This year has been a brilliant one. It started off in Times Square with the New Year’s
Eve celebrations and continued with us welcoming the Carnival Magic onboard which I enjoyed a wonderful five months as CD. It is being a cruise director that still gives me so much joy and I look forward to being a CD again on the Carnival Breeze. Other highlights were the Maroon 5 concert and of course the unveiling of Fun Ship 2.0 which I was honoured to be part of.

It has, without doubt, been one heck of a year for news. We had the royal wedding, a terrible earthquake in Japan, the embarrassing London riots, the Rupert Murdoch phone hacking scandal, the Arab spring and death of Osama Bin Bastard. 2012 will feature the Olympic Games in London and a brilliant opening ceremony featuring…….ummmm………Paul McCartney and David Beckham. And then of course this could be our last year together because if the Mayans are correct we will all be dead. Some of us will be in hell where we will be forced to eat every meal with people dressed in SpongeBob Squarepants underwear and forced to listen to 24 hours of uninterrupted hip hop music. Meanwhile others will be in heaven where there will be organic pita bread served for breakfast, Hallmark TV is on 24 hours a day and then, over the PA system, Saint Peter will announce that Justin Bieber has offered to sing a couple of songs. Anyway, regardless it’s going to be a thrilling year and one that I hope is a healthy and fun one for you and all your family. I will be here on the blog thingy and on Facebook and of course on the Carnival Magic and the Carnival Breeze as cruise director where I will continue to help as many of you as I can and continue to show you why Carnival provides you with the most affordable and fun vacation in the world.

Happy New………oh hold on………maybe the Mayans are right and the world is going to end. Just in case I think we should all do things we have never done before. Book a back to back cruise, run naked through Neiman Marcus shouting “I love Wal-Mart” or take your grandmother to a Flo Rida concert. What am I going to do? Well Heidi doing the dishes so time then for some hot rumpy pumpy action in the sink……a bit of turkey curry on my thingy isn’t a big deal after all.

Happy New Year.

Your friend,

John