Start Your Journey

October 13, 2015 -

John Heald -


Good morning from the Carnival Dream and today on our Carnival Journeys cruise, where the ship sits in the harbour of St. Martin or indeed St. Maarten. Yep, you visit this island on your cruise and you will buy one…..get one free. St. Martin happens to be the smallest island on the planet that’s shared by two countries. Two-thirds is called Saint Martin and is in the French Caribbean — all sophistication, fine dining, fashion boutiques and rudeness; and one-third is called Sint Maarten, in the Dutch Antilles — with faster food, noisier nightlife and hair braiding. (more…)

So it would be silly for me not to start today’s blog and mention what happened on the Carnival Liberty. First of all, I would like to thank each and every guest for their patience and understanding and thank those who were on the ship at the time of the fire for listening to the ship’s commands to calmly make their way onto the pier in St. Thomas. A big thank you also must go to the crew for their outstanding efforts over the past few days. I am sure you will have read on my Facebook page the comments from guests on the ship who saluted Carnival for the full refund, the 50 percent future cruise discount and the $150 onboard credit we gave each and every guest. This praise was echoed by hundreds of people on Facebook as well. (more…)

My mate, Danny, has an electric car. It’s called the Nissan Look At Me, I Am Greener Than Shrek’s Scrotum and, after being fully charged, it can drive for an astonishing 80 miles before you have to pull over and plug it in again. While I know Al Gore would grow a third leg if we all drove electric cars, I still love the sound of a growling V8. You see, for all the benefits of an electric car, one of the drawbacks is that it makes less noise than a dead yak. And this got me thinking. I am sure, as I sit here writing this in my underpants, that there are very clever men and women who are locked away in laboratories trying to perfect planes that are silent and can fly over populated areas without so much as a whisper. If then they do perfect silent propulsion, I hope we can put it to some use on our ships. (more…)

You will have seen that Carnival is rolling out our new Internet programs thick and fast across the fleet. This will be followed by the popular Hub app that is now on Carnival Breeze, next on Carnival Sunshine and by year’s end, on even more ships. These are more ways to connect with people in the cabin next to you or family who are hundreds or more miles away. “Hooray” many of you will say but I would expect there to be some “boos,” as well.


2 Family Guys

September 5, 2014 -

John Heald -


As this will be my last blog for a while. I wanted to cram in as many questions as I can, so let’s start today with some immediate Q & A. Off we trot (more…)

No Need for Speed

August 26, 2014 -

John Heald -


Stupid, stupid me. Yesterday, after singing “Let it Sodding Go” to Kye for her bedtime song, I asked my wife, Heidi, in a terrible moment of weakness I asked her if she wanted anything brought back from Seattle because I would be getting off the ship to get some essentials – some hemorrhoid gel and cigars. As soon as I said those new words, I knew I was in the s**t. And it was because she wanted me to shop at a place that we don’t have in England even though the advertising states it’s a British store….. yep……I’m talking about Victoria’s Secret, which is about as British as July 4th and grits. Now, whatever my wife wants she will get because I love her ……..except for one thing and that one thing is underwear. (more…)

Pirates used to be fun with their wooden legs and shoulder-based parrots and cries of “shiver me timbers.” Say the word “pirate” and you and I see a salty sea dog with gunpowder smoldering in his beard. They would all wear long black or red coats and have a patch over one eye… unless, of course, they were really stupid pirates and have patches over both eyes… sorry…. old cruise ship joke. (more…)


August 1, 2014 -

John Heald -


One of the hardest jobs on the ship, as far as pleasing you, our guests, is that of the disc jockey – or DJ – to give them their MTV-style title. To many, they stand behind a record player or, these days, something with a picture of an Apple on it, wear ludicrously large headphones with one side on the ear and the other not, nodding their head to the beat while “mixing” the latest tunes.  Top DJs like Dutchman Arnie Van Something and The Miami Heat’s own DJ Irie are not just DJ’s, they are stars and people pay lots of money to hire them and they, in turn, get lots of money and lashings of rumpy pumpy. DJ Irie is the professor of cool, master of his trade and, despite, I am sure, shoving a cucumber down the front of his pants before each gig ……..Irie is one of the very best DJs – not to mention one of the nicest guys – around.  That’s why we went to him to train our DJ’s and he has done a brilliant job in doing so, but, I still say that our ship DJs have one of the toughest jobs on the ship trying to make everyone happy. We have a brilliant young lady here called DJ Electra, strange name for her Mum to christen her but I guess moments after giving birth, Mum realised her daughter was destined to spin the discs, so that’s what she called her. She is wonderful and, as I said, she has a very tough job. (more…)

This is the longest contract I completed as cruise director without a break for some years, not to mention, it is the longest time I have been away from my family, ever, so I must admit I am finding it hard. I was really hoping that Heidi and Kye would come to Alaska but that is now not going to happen. That’s because of our two Mums. I can’t say any more than that at the moment except to say that Heidi is needed in England and Holland and needed by the two ladies who brought us into this world and, right now, need her. I am, of course, racked with guilt and miss them all so very much. Maybe I will write more about this in the days ahead but today is not the time. Kye was looking forward to seeing where “Elsa and Anna” live and for those who have been living in a cave or an Amish community, they are the characters from the movie Frozen. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Get help, gouge your own eyes out with a toothpick, do whatever you have to avoid seeing it. Heidi just wanted a break, somewhere to relax and enjoy the service and fun that you all enjoy plus, of course, for us to be a family again. Pausing here because it appears something has flown into my eyes making them water. OK, I am back. (more…)

The title of a blog I wrote last week was “Smoking…..the last word.” Obviously, that title meant nothing because here I am, sitting in my underpants, talking to you about it again. I realise that along with politics, religion, reasons to dislike the French, and if I would look good covered in whipped cream and chocolate, that smoking is a subject that stirs the soul and divides opinions. But I have an inbox with over 200 comments alone on the subject of smoking. I will as you will see in today’s Q and A, be accused of “covering up the issue” and “sweeping it under the carpet” which, of course, is not true because, embarrassingly, I have not swept anything anywhere well….. ever. I also realise that I am in a no-win situation if I continue to discuss this here or on my Facebook page but after the new rules were announced and then another line (the one with graffiti over their bows) announced the same, I am afraid I have bugger all choice. But before I do, let’s go back in time. (more…)

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