So there I was, chatting with a stunning girl from Latvia with huge breasts………hers, not mine, of course. She seems keen on getting together with me but says she can’t fly to join me on the Carnival Legend unless I send some money for the ticket. So I do. And then, shock horror, I never hear from her again. Obviously, this is not a true story. Honestly Heidi, it isn’t……..well, most of it anyway. But I write this because it does happen and yet very few people will ever report it. “Hello, Mr Police Officer, I’m a 48-year-old fat and ugly cruise director. My teeth are bent, my hair is grey and I’ve been ripped off by a stunningly sexy Latvian who said she found me attractive and wanted to fly to the Carnival Legend and act out chapter five of 50 Shades of Grey with me………in a lifeboat.” (more…)
April 8, 2013 -
John Heald -
The past two weeks I have flown from the UK to Italy (one hour forward) and back again (one hour back). Then it was off to Russia (four hours forward) and then back from Russia (four hours back.) Then this week I flew from the UK to the U.S. (five hours back) plus my time at U.S. Immigration (two days back — or so it felt like). Then this previous week during my handover week on Carnival Legend, I was living out of a suitcase in a guest cabin unable to unpack properly and with no office to Facebook and blog from plus organise (YES, YOU SODDING BASTARD OF A COMPUTER, ORGANISE IS SPELT WITH AN “S”) a 15-day trans-Atlantic where I had to use my cabin as an office. Yep, it’s been a hectic month for sure. (more…)
It seems like ages since I have written a blog. It has been difficult to do so with all the travelling I have been doing and of course it is much easier to find material for the blog when I am on the ship as a cruise director. That was what the blog was always supposed to be, a diary of my life as a CD and, certainly, if I was to ask you I am sure that most would say the stories of life on a cruise ship and tales of disgruntled guests is what you enjoy and the reason the blog now has 16.1 million page views. So at the end of this month, the blog will return to its natural habitat and there will be no doubt lots to share with you as the Carnival Legend heads to Europe. (more…)
February 6, 2013 -
John Heald -
On Monday I wrote about how having a dog is a brilliant way not to get blamed for letting out a monstrous and eye-watering fart. Yep, blaming my dog Breeze for the Hazmat teams knocking on the door has been one of the best things about canine ownership. But revenge, as they say, is sweet and last night the four legged German bastard got his revenge. (more…)
Across the fleet hundreds of guests enjoyed the spectacle that is the Super Bowl. Here are two reports from the Carnival Inspiration and first from Carnival Breeze as written by Cruise Director Butch Begovich. (more…)
It’s strange to think that I won’t be a cruise director for a few months after spending seven months in the chair on the Carnival Breeze. I won’t be the CD for BC6, although I will be hosting a Marriage Show and Calvyn and I will host live morning shows for the audience to enjoy. It never gets easier being an older cruise director and especially during the conference last week when I was surrounded by youth and vitality and more hair product than a sodding beauty salon …………..and that’s just the male CDs. (more…)
There is a young lady who works here on the Carnival Breeze as an entertainment staff member and her name is Stephanie Erb. In an ideal world, Stephanie would have everyone singing their hearts out and she is doing this by forming from amongst the guests something called a Glee Choir. When Stephanie first approached me with this idea, I was a little skeptical but straight away it is obvious that this was a brilliant idea.
So far, touch wood, things are going well here on Carnival Breeze. Today we are in Malaga, Spain and the weather is a bit cloudy and there have been a passing shower or two but overall the cruise is going well. However, as I have said before here on the blog, trans-Atlantic cruises tend to include a few guests who by tradition will be a bit grumpy and who will find things wrong because for them, finding things that are wrong is their favourite activity on board. It is important to note that they are the minority and 98 percent of the guests will have a brilliant time. I should add the price of a 16-day cruise is brilliant value for money, with wonderful food, entertainment and activities all included in the price. Anyway, let me give you an example of what I mean about being grumpy, have a read of this.
It’s great to be back with a blog today after a couple of weeks away and it will come as no surprise that I will start today by talking about toilets…….actually, it’s not me talking about toilets it’s a lady called Sarah.