Piano Bar Schedule with Bond, James Bond

November 3, 2015 -

John Heald -


Tonight, I shall head to the cinema — or the “pictures,” as we used to say back when I snuck into naughty films such as Kentucky Fried Movie. I am going to see the new Bond movie “Spectre” and this may be the last time I ever pay to see a movie from what used to be the greatest franchise of all time. The last two Bond movies have been, in my opinion, absolute rubbish. They were so far removed from the Bond movies that I grew up on that I am quite nervous about heading out to see this new one and will know in the first few minutes of the movie if it is going to be exciting, a true homage to the genre or as exciting as watching a yak called Dave hump a yak called Sally with Kenny G music playing in the background. Spectre will hopefully start with a bit of random killing before we find Bond in bed with a girl who he had met a few minutes earlier. Hearing his Omega watch go beep which meant his Queen and country needed him, he will leap from under the sheets, look at the long-legged beauty with no name and say, “My darling, you were amazing last night. But I am James Bond and I must go now because I have to blow up an oil rig before returning to have rumpy pumpy with your sister.”


Start Your Journey

October 13, 2015 -

John Heald -


Good morning from the Carnival Dream and today on our Carnival Journeys cruise, where the ship sits in the harbour of St. Martin or indeed St. Maarten. Yep, you visit this island on your cruise and you will buy one…..get one free. St. Martin happens to be the smallest island on the planet that’s shared by two countries. Two-thirds is called Saint Martin and is in the French Caribbean — all sophistication, fine dining, fashion boutiques and rudeness; and one-third is called Sint Maarten, in the Dutch Antilles — with faster food, noisier nightlife and hair braiding. (more…)


September 15, 2015 -

John Heald -


Last week, I was in Italy exploring your Carnival Vista and there will be lots of video of my time there coming very soon. I was accompanied by our President Christine Duffy and we spent time on and off camera talking about all the brilliant features that your new ship will have. There are so many features on the ship that are brand new that I am sure will be jaw dropping when you read about them. (more…)

I have decided that there’s no sodding point to chefs like Gordon Ramsey and his mates on the Food Channel. Every night, someone in a white outfit with their names stitched across it comes on the television to explain how to make a fois gras sauce for your breast of duck and how chili peppers go very well with strawberries. But I’m afraid Gordon, Emeril, Jamie, Marco, Bobby, Anthony and the countless others I’ve forgotten are wasting their breath because we all know that what we want is bacon and fried eggs.


My mate, Danny, has an electric car. It’s called the Nissan Look At Me, I Am Greener Than Shrek’s Scrotum and, after being fully charged, it can drive for an astonishing 80 miles before you have to pull over and plug it in again. While I know Al Gore would grow a third leg if we all drove electric cars, I still love the sound of a growling V8. You see, for all the benefits of an electric car, one of the drawbacks is that it makes less noise than a dead yak. And this got me thinking. I am sure, as I sit here writing this in my underpants, that there are very clever men and women who are locked away in laboratories trying to perfect planes that are silent and can fly over populated areas without so much as a whisper. If then they do perfect silent propulsion, I hope we can put it to some use on our ships. (more…)


August 3, 2015 -

John Heald -


We start today with this comment:

Robert Lang
I have always felt that after tip night, we were treated like second class citizens and made to feel like you no longer matter and the way you are pushed off the ship by the endless announcements is degrading to me. My cabin steward could not wait to get us off the ship. He knocked on our door TWICE!!

Thanks, Robert, and although I absolutely disagree with your suggestion that service from our brilliant crew diminishes on the last night, I can sort of understand what you mean by the announcements and the whole debarkation process…………..oh, by the way, the gratuities you so graciously leave our crew via your Sail & Sign card are not paid on the last night of the cruise but collected by the crew two days after the cruise is over.



August 1, 2015 -

John Heald -


So next week, I will be back in the office, meeting my new assistant and meeting many, many beards. I am very lucky that, in my role as brand ambassador for Carnival Cruise Line, I am afforded health insurance through the company and for that I am very grateful although I hope that I will never need it. My only experience of American hospitals was when I was a cruise director and Heidi and I rented a villa in Orlando and she trapped her finger in the sliding doors that led out to the pool.After I had called her a clumsy bastard, I noticed that her finger looked like Tom’s after Jerry had given him the good news by dropping an iron on it. And so we went off to see if George Clooney was working at the Orlando ER. Heidi was denied treatment at the hospital because the receptionist’s computer refused to acknowledge that the United Kingdom existed. Even though I had a wad of cash and a wallet full of credit cards, she was prepared to let Heidi’s finger explode all over her desk because her stupid sodding software only recognised addresses in the United States.



July 28, 2015 -

John Heald -


I am going to start today’s blog by opening a huge can of “Whoop John’s Flaccid Arse” because I am going to once again and for the 708,757,877 time …… talk about elegant night again. I know this subject may bore some people and I know that the CC artist formally known as H82SEAUGO now rejuvenated as SeeBurd will enjoy sticking his tiny, miniscule sized pin in my voodoo doll again but here I go anyway. I also have to mention that this is my opinion, not Carnival Cruise Line (noticed we have now officially dropped the S so now it is just Line) and, in this case, I am speaking for me, the chubby Brit cruise director with a bent tooth and hemorrhoids the size of a baby yak. You see, on my Facebook page these past weeks, I have read lots of comments about elegant night and the changes that have been made.


I, Claudia

July 21, 2015 -

John Heald -


As you know, I have just returned from the Carnival Paradise and I have to say it was so good to be on a Fantasy-class ship again. I was part of the delivery teams for Carnival Ecstasy, Carnival Sensation and Carnival Imagination so I have special feelings for this class of ship. I was also lucky enough to stay on in a guest cabin. On Carnival Paradise, I was in an ocean view cabin on Riviera Deck and was a big, spacious cabin for sure. I’ve been traveling a lot recently and I’m always quite surprised by the amount of noise some guests in make when they are walking down the corridors both in a hotel and yes, even on our ships.


I met a hero yesterday here on the Carnival Paradise. His name is Alan and he is 12 years old.

It was a meeting by chance after the show last night with his parents, Sally and Anthony, and their eight-year-old daughter, Megan. They came to see me having recognised me from previous cruises. During our conversation I learnt about Alan and what he had done to earn the title I just gave him of “hero.”


Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved