So we went shopping and at a Walmartish-type of shop, I loaded the cart with bits and pieces having worked out that I would spend five pounds per kid which considering there are 18 kids coming equals………oh bugger……..where is the sodding calculator…….well, anyway, it equals a s**t load of money. As I loaded the sticker books and candy into the cart, I caught my wife looking uncomfortable. “Will that be enough?” she said. Enough, are you kidding? When I was a kid and we went to a another kids party we got bugger all except a bowl of ice cream and balloon animal that — regardless of what the parent who had made it said — did not look like a poodle or a giraffe but a thingy. “Yes,” said Heidi, “but Kye had just been to a children’s party where each kid got a Princess dress with matching shoes and handbag from the Disney store.”

Maybe this is what kids expect now and it was only because my arms were full of Peppa Pig stickers and lollipops, I did not lie down right there in the store and have a nervous breakdown.
I am not sure how it is where you live, dear bloggers, but children’s parties have become a stage for ridiculous spending and a contest to see who can throw the best. A friend of mine lives on a posh island in Miami where kids are flown by private plane to an island in the Bahamas for their birthday and where Justin Beaver is paid millions to sing Happy Birthday to a seven-year-old. But I don’t live in Miami but in a little town in Essex but even there it’s bloody ridiculous. I know one parent who spent loads of cash on a Willy Wonka party for 30 children where so much chocolate was served that many of the kids left the party as diabetics. What will these parents do when their children reach 21, charter a cruise ship and fill it with Latvian lap dancers? Anyway, Kye and friends will have food, cheap bags of candy and a huge bouncy Peppa Pig thingy I have hired in the garden. And before you think I am being cheap here, let me tell you I am not because each and every one of Kye’s friends will all get something no other parent in Essex can match. Yep, they are all getting a Carnival Breeze solid gold plastic ship on a stick.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Andy asked:
John

I am the husband of Marivonne Diaz. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making her crash cruise of the BC5 such a Magical time (pun intended). She had such a wonderful time meeting you and talks about you every day. Sorry I was unable to meet you as well, even though I tried on two bookings, but when she was talking to her fellow Cuzins I just had to give her my blessing to go without me. Maybe the next time I will get the pleasure of meeting you, as well. Again, THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Andy

There is absolutely no need to thank me as it was a true privilege to meet your wonderful wife on Bloggers Cruise 5. I truly hope we will meet one day too and enjoy some Carnival fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Jeanette Politti asked:
John,

One of the reasons we cruise Carnival seven times in four years is because of the bang we get for our buck but the food in the MDR has taken a dive I think and there have been multiple comments on Cruise Critic too about this. What’s going on, big guy?

John says:
Hello Jeanetee Politti

I am glad you appreciate the value for money and I have noted your comment about your opinion of the food we serve in the dining room although it took me a few minutes to work out what MDR meant. The most recent menu has been met with mostly excellent comments as shown on the cards we receive from those guests who are sent one. Most of our new dining options, from Guy’s burgers and Cantina to the Taste Bar and Punchliner Brunch — are completely free of charge – and illustrates the brilliant value for money Carnival provides.
Best wishes.

John

Amy Salvage asked:
John,

My husband and I just took a seven-day cruise this past February 27 on Carnival Magic and had a wonderful experience. As first time cruisers, we enjoyed it immensely. So much that we have already booked another cruise on the Carnival Triumph this coming October 22. We really enjoyed the shows and the Carnival Magic dancers were awesome! All the crew members (employees) whether they were in the buffet areas, or tidying up the cabins or doing maintenance work on the decks, EVERYONE was so very pleasant and helpful. We never encountered an unhappy attitude with any of them. I’m wondering if you will possibly be on the Carnival Triumph in October. If not, then I hope there will be a cruise director as good as you. We enjoyed your talent and hope to actually meet you face to face on one of our future cruises. We are definitely hooked.

John says:
Hello Amy Savage

It’s a joy to read that as first time cruisers you had such a brilliant time that you are “hooked” and this is of course thanks to the brilliant crew of the Carnival Magic. I will make sure that they see your words of praise and that we will indeed see you again soon. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Thanks for the great post.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kris Marek asked:

I am in strong agreement with the person who wrote that the workers limited English skills has a negative effect on the cruise experience. Case in point was the bar servers in the bars on Carnival Liberty who never once understood my drink orders and who were rude. There were no genuinely informative lectures about the upcoming ports of call (or anything else), and we found that disappointing. Frequently, several activities were scheduled at the same time, or very nearly so, and we had to choose among several attractive-sounding options at the same time which is ridiculous planning. Finally and for reasons we never understood, dinner was interrupted at least once almost every night by bursts of (very loud) music and waiters dancing on serving tables. I think this was supposed to be fun but it was not! There were some good points. The cabin boy was attentive and friendly and the food choice on the lido deck was very good but the lack of English skills and poor planning of activities and that awful loud music in the dining room are areas Carnival will need to improve on if they want to be successful.

John says:
Hello Kris Marek

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and I am glad to see that you had some good points. I know that many of our crew have accents, myself included, but we all speak English and indeed have to pass a test in order to work in guest areas. This is why I am so surprised about your comment regarding the bar staff but I will pass this onto the ship’s management. It was also interesting to read your comments about the dining room because recently here and on Facebook we discussed this and there were many hundreds of comments posted with the vast majority saying they liked the fun atmosphere the music and dances that the servers perform. However, it is not for everyone, so please let me apologise for the disruption it caused in your dining experience. I am glad the gentleman who took care of your stateroom was a highlight and the stateroom steward as his position is called is a fine example of our brilliant crew. I do hope you had fun and that we will see you again and I have as I said, sent your review to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Clarice Hudson asked:
Hi John,

I feel so privileged to have met you on the Carnival Splendor. I just got off the Carnival Inspiration yesterday with my daughter and three grandchildren. I took them on a cruise for their spring break, along with many other families on board for the same reasons. I was surprised that there was no comment cards handed out on this cruise. I wanted to let you know we absolutely loved CD Matt and Assistant CD Weezie. They were so good at recognizing the kids as we walked about the ship and at the shows. Also loved “Buttercup,” Clair and Nick, as well. I can’t remember our waiter’s name at dinner or the drink server who always remembered what the kids wanted to drink and always brought them with extra cherries (until the ship ran out of cherries on the last night). I will say I was a little disappointed with the room staff who never introduced themselves like others have done on my other cruises. As for the shore excursions, we did have a good time. We were shorted one ticked on the first excursion when they were delivered to my room and had to go ashore and get it worked out. The beach party in Rosorita was a little disappointing in that the Rock Wall was broken and the kids really wanted to try it…..but all in all even though the weather was cold, they all had a good time….grandma had to come home to get sleep and rest up, but I wouldn’t have traded the time we had together on this trip for anything.

Thank you to all the staff for a wonderful spring break trip.

Clarice

John says:
Hello Clarice

I can see from your post that grandma did indeed need a rest after that very active cruise and thank you for telling me all about your adventures. I will make sure that the ship takes note of your comments including reminding the stateroom stewards to introduce themselves to the guests. I think your grandchildren are so very lucky to have grandma take them on a cruise and I hope you are rested and ready to do it all again very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful review.

Best wishes to you all.

John

The Igbinedion Family Group asked:

Why are there so few black performers in your shows? I say this based on my last cruise on your ship Carnival Liberty there were no black dancers and all the comedians were white. I hope there is a good explanation for this but it left me and my party with a bad taste in my mouth. Why does Carnival not employ black entertainers?

John says:
Hello Igbinedion Family Group

First of all, I do hope that you had a great cruise and secondly I am glad you wrote to me regarding this as there is indeed a simple explanation. The dancers are hired based on talent and that is all and we can only choose from who attends the auditions we hold. We have 200 plus dancers and singers working across the fleet and boast a diverse cast on our 23 (soon to be 24) ships. I can tell you that here on the Carnival Breeze our dance captain and one of the best dancers I have ever seen is indeed African-American as is the lead male singer. As for the comedians, well, again, they are scheduled according to availability and, of course, their talent and had you been on another ship that week you may have seen Happy Cole, Percy Cruise, Dean Gaines or one of our many African-American comedians who work for us. So thanks again for taking the time to write and hopefully my explanation has helped you all understand and I hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Annette Zgeb asked:
Dear John,

In 2009 my husband and I were on the Carnival Splendor for a back to back to back South America cruise. It was seven weeks and it was awesome. One of the “speakers” was a naturalist named Dirk Yonkerman. He was fantastic, knowledgeable, interesting, charming and just plain nice. February 2013 we are fortunate to be on the Carnival Splendor again for another back to back to back cruise, this time going the opposite direction. Would it be possible to find out if Dirk will be on this cruise again?

John says:
Hello Annette Zgeb

What a fantastic voyage that was and I see you are doing this again and that is just brilliant. I remember getting so many great comments about Dirk so, yes, indeed, I will make sure that I send this to the beards and ask that they give serious consideration to doing this again. I will keep you informed as to what is happening and wish you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Big Duck asked:
Heald,

Can you tell me how many hours the crew work each day. A friend of mine said that they work 15 hours a day, seven days a week, which, if true, is DISGUSTING!

John says:
Hello Big Duck

I am afraid whoever told you this is quackers….sorry…..silly duck joke there. Seriously, though, it is not true. The crew’s working hours are strictly regulated and are recorded on a clock-in/ clock-out system we call Fun Time. These hours are strictly monitored by management on board and shoreside and are also looked at by U.S. Coast Guard, as well. The crew work hard, that is for sure but no crew member works 15 hours a day that I can assure you.

Best wishes.

John

Marshann Johnson asked:

My son and I are planning on buying the excursion to swim with the dolphins in the Bahamas. My husband is not going to do it. Is there a fee for him to watch?

John says:
Hello Marshann Johnson

Yes indeed, he will be able to go and watch you swim with these beautiful animals. If he decided to go on the excursion with you there will be a small fee for transportation but that is all. I hope you have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have fun.

John

Tracey Flynn asked:
John,

I want to give a shout out to the staff in the RedFrog Pub on Carnival Magic. They rocked and deserve a big raise. Please tell the beards. Love the blog and Facebook updates and love Carnival

John says:
Hello Tracey Flynn

I love this post and I will indeed make sure that your praise for those in the RedFrog is heard loud and proud. I hope we see you again soon and I hope also you continue to enjoy the blog and Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

And on that excellent note, so ends the Q and A for now.

So, let’s talk Italian food, shall we? Obviously I have been privileged to travel to many parts of Italy with the various ships and being in the shipyards and eating with Italian captains in their dining rooms on board has given me a wonderful insight to their culture and their food. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Italian cookery, though. Two reasons why. First of all, there is the pasta which when you are trying to lose weight and when you are diabetic and need to control carbs, Italian food is not your best mate. The second reason I am not a fan is garlic. I hate garlic. I would rather eat a dead hamster that has been marinated in my underpants for a month than eat anything with garlic in it or on it.

Now I can see some of you bloggers sitting there, in your underpants, saying, “John, you are an idiot, garlic is wonderful.” No…..it’s not….it’s revolting. Not just the taste…..but the smell. Bugger me, the smell. Try coming onto the bridge of the Carnival Breeze early in the morning and have the captain talk to you inches from your face after eating a huge dish of pasta de soddinggarlico the night before. I’d rather have H82Seaugo serve me a plate of skunk scrotum while dressed as Cleopatra than eat anything with garlic in it.

But I am in the minority and most people I know love Italian food and if I didn’t have a beach ball living in my stomach, then I would love it too and I would therefore be able to eat at the best Italian restaurant on the seven seas…….Cucina del Capitano. Already a huge success on the Carnival Magic, the Cucina will be featured here on Carnival Breeze, as well. For those who are not familiar with this concept, let me explain. At lunchtime the restaurant serves the finest pasta at no extra charge but it is at night when the Cucina really comes alive. Now the idea of this is not just to serve the best Italian food and the most absolutely ridiculous price anywhere — $12 for adults and $5 for kids aged 11 and under — but for you to sit around the table and eat it family style. And that just doesn’t mean that we will serve the pasta in big steaming bowls, no, it means that if you are the Cahill family from Florida, you get to dine with the Berlusconi family from Naples. Let’s have a look at the menu that we will serve here on the Carnival Breeze. There are a few changes with the biggest being that we have a new signature dish here chosen by the master of the Carnival Breeze, Captain Vincenzo Alcaras. So have a look but I do not advise you to do so on an empty stomach.

Click to zoom in

What would you have?

And now let’s remind ourselves about the menu on the Carnival Magic:

Click to zoom in

So now what would you have? Oh, and don’t forget the Chianti cart that serves the perfect wine to complement your $12 feast…did I mention it was only $12?

So here is a bit of news for you. Starting today, we are going to take direct reservations for the Cucina del Capitano on the Carnival Magic and I will explain how in a moment. Once the restaurant is up and running here on the Carnival Breeze, we will take reservations also but I have been asked by the chef to wait a few days into service before we do this so I am afraid we won’t be able to do it for the first cruise and reservations will have to be made on board.

To make reservations for this un-missable restaurant please can you e mail MCCUCINA@carnival.com. Please keep the email simple and only include the following information.

Name
Cabin #
Number of guests for dinner
Preferred Time for dining

Payment will be on board after you’ve dined.

And that’s it – so easy to make a reservation at the brilliant Cucina del Capitano.

Now allowing you to email the ship directly is a big change for us but I have been asked to let you know that the hostess will not be able to take The Chef’s Table or steakhouse reservations, only Cucina del Capitano reservations and those for now must be done online via my blog please. But the hostess will reply with confirmation for your Cucina reservation and we will do the same as I mentioned for the Carnival Breeze soon.

What I love about Cucina is that you get exactly what you order. Let me explain what I mean by that. These days, posh restaurants serve food where everything tastes and looks like something else. You order lamb because you like lamb. But at places with Michelin stars and full of pop stars your lamb arrives at the table in wrapped in banana leaves so now my lamb tastes like a sodding fruit basket. Cucina has everything, food that tastes exactly as you would expect, except even better. Brilliant unbeatable value for money and entertainment, as well, which I won’t spoil the surprise about. Food is a big part of what makes the Cucina a brilliant dining experience great but so also is the sense of family it creates while you eat there.

So here I am in Italy once more, a country united by language and religion and divided by almost everything else. You know, Italians often sound as if they’re having a vicious argument, even when they’re discussing soccer, cars or rumpy pumpy. Yet these arguments are not really arguments, they are conversations spoken passionately and with arms waving around like a demented traffic cop. Through my exposure to Italians cruising to Italian ports and eating with captains and chief engineers (and, of course, getting ships ready in Italian shipyards), I have learned that they will never agree about food. Sicily, for example, has a cuisine completely different from Naples but it’s far more complicated than that. I remember one of my great friends Captain Angelo Los telling me once that in his small home town near Genoa one family will make its pasta completely differently to the pasta a mile down the road. Individual families have recipes they guard and swear by more than Colonel Sanders does.

The only other thing that unites all Italians is the total belief that there is no edible Italian food outside of Italy……..but in the case ofCucina del Capitano………..they are absolutely wrong.

Bona Note.

Your friend,

John

I once got an email from a very upset beard because I had sent an email using only capital letters and he thought I was shouting at him. I wasn’t. The caps thingy lock was pressed and by the time I looked at the screen and noticed, half the e-mail was finished and I didn’t want to write it again. But the “X” kiss thing is out of sodding control. The problem is that once you start, you can’t stop. Kisses are a plague. Let’s say I write an email to Carnival’s President and CEO Gerry Cahill asking for a raise and finish it with a kiss, even if he tells me to bugger off, his email must finish with an “X” as well. You’re effectively blowing kisses to everyone like some lady of the night standing on a street corner.

One of the worst side effects of the Eye Phone/Raspberry phone thingy revolution has been to make people more needy and demanding of attention 24/7, no matter where they are. I often find myself saying, “It’s been five minutes since I emailed you and they haven’t replied,” I moan, eyes glued to my Raspberry, “Do they hate me? Has Carnival fired me?” No, they’re probably just terrified because I have put seven kisses on a message that simply says, “Carnival Breeze’s schedules are attached.” I guess, though, that one thing is escaping me and escaping you more and more each day…..if it’s an instant response that we want, well, here’s a thought… why not make a sodding phone call? Oh, sorry…..I am not allowed to say “phone call”…..even that has changed. We don’t make phone calls anymore…….we “reach out” Oh FFS!

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Sandee Holland asked:

I just went on my third Carnival cruise, this time on the Carnival Triumph. There were nine of us in all and eight of us were past guests. I have never been dissatisfied with a Carnival cruise until this one, and the others in my party agreed. The service was lousy, the crew was grumpy, and two of the cabins were just nasty!! (And yes there are videos) When I reported it to the service desk they put me on the phone with bar and dining room managers, they truly seemed to not care. The first cruise I was on was with you on the Carnival Conquest and it and you were truly wonderful. The second cruise was also on the Carnival Conquest and even with fire or something in the kitchen on formal night, I was still very pleased when I got off the ship… not so much that night but they made every effort to make it up to us. This third cruise was totally a disgrace… It may be all nine in my parties last cruise with Carnival, it was so bad. I don’t know what you can do or who to contact but the Carnival Triumph is giving Carnival a bad name. I even met a man yesterday that was on the Carnival Triumph two weeks before me and he said it was bad too. Thanks for your help or passing this along.

John says:
Hello Sandee Holland,

There may be some who are surprised that I post and reply to comments like this but I do because I promised myself that we would never hide from the negatives. I want to sincerely apologise that this cruise did not meet the expectations that were based on your previous cruises on the Carnival Conquest. I was though very surprised to read this because the ship usually gets nothing but praise but it seems we have work to do. I want you to know that I have sent this to our operations people in Miami and to the senior management on the vessel and they will address this I can assure you. Meanwhile please accept my apologies again and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Mira Brecher asked:

I will be travelling with my service dog which I have to have for sleep apnea. I have sailed on NCL with Sari (my Maltese) and am considering a Carnival cruise as you have your big ship Carnival Splendor coming to New York where I now live. Will Carnival as NCL did allow my service dog in the dining room and what steps do I need to take to make sure she is well looked after.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Mira Bercher,

I am glad you wrote and thank you for considering Carnival for your 2013 vacation. We do allow service dogs and, obviously, we require the proper documentation before allowing them onboard proving it is a service dog and not the family pet. Once onboard a special area will be reserved near the lifeboat stations for your dog to do its whoopises but please note that the staff do not in any way take care of the dog, that is down to you of course. Please call our special needs desk so that you can find out what you need to do and I hope we see you on the Carnival Splendor soon.

Best wishes.

John

Tamsin Hawkins asked:

I am taking my three kids aged three, five and nine and on a cruise. I am a single mom and wondered if Carnival does anything for single moms as money is tight. We will be on the Carnival Sensation 5/31 three-day cruise. Can Carnival do something for me?

John says:
Hello Tamsin Hawkins,

Congratulations on taking your children on a cruise and I am sure they will have fun. We don’t have a special package for single parents but I will send each of your children a special souvenir of their cruise which I hope they will cherish. Have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

Harry Wald asked:

Mother and I have enjoyed three Carnival cruises and we like the food and especially like the convenience of being able to sail from Charleston where we live now. I do have one suggestion that I would like you to consider Mr. Heald. The food in the dining room is surprisingly good but the service is brash and loud and certainly is not something that everyone enjoys. We also cruise Celebrity where we are Captain’s Club members. I understand the two companies are vastly different but why must Carnival think that the waiters have to be so loud, play jokes and worse perform lurid dances on table tops? I think there should be one dining area where a more professional silver service style is offered with maybe just some nice, relaxing music allowing for good table conversation with family and friends. On my last cruise on Carnival Fantasy I spoke to many passengers who agreed with me and I would not mind wagering that your dining service staff would prefer a silver service environment rather than being treated as performing monkeys. I look forward to your response.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Harry Wald,

First of all, I am glad to read that you enjoy your Carnival cruises and I hope that you will build up to the same loyalty level as you have shown Celebrity Cruises. I understand that the singing and dancing and the fun atmosphere the staff provide in the dining room may not to be your taste and yet I must say that the comments and the feedback we get show that the vast majority enjoy what we do during dinner service. I must say that for the most part also that the staff enjoys it as well and what happens during dinner has become a tradition at Carnival that we have no plans of changing. It is an interesting point you raise and this is why I hope you don’t mind that earlier today I posted on Facebook to encourage others to discuss. I respect your comment though and I hope that this will not deter you from cruising with us again very soon. If there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Brenda Blackard asked:

Where or where can one get a copy of Fun Times for a cruise? Tried the list from your help desk below — to say the least it was painful — surely one of the beards has an able assistant who could gather ALL of the Fun Times from all of the ships/destinations and list them in an easily accessible spot. Just a thought — loyal cruiser (18 and counting!)

John says:
Hello Brenda Blackard,

At the bottom of my blog, you will find a link to the Fun Times for the fleet. If the one you are looking for is not there, please let me know and I will post it for you. I am sorry you had a tough time finding the information you need and I hope you will let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes.

John

Mark Sagan asked:
John,

I think it is ridiculous and unprofessional to take a chunk of time off and have nobody to carry on answering questions. I posted a request for my 15th anniversary that went unanswered and I discovered it was because you took a vacation. It’s unfair that people who don’t have Facebook accounts get treated like s**t because you are on vacation and leave the blog unattended. I am not impressed and my request for a table for two and a little something extra for my wife was ignored.

John says:
Hello Mark Sagan,

I did take some time away from the blog as I was traveling and spending time with the family which has left me behind on the blog questions. Since then the wonderful duo of Michelle and Mary are helping me with questions so things like this don’t happen. I can only apologise and hope that you had a great anniversary cruise and next time you sail please try again and let me know what you need and I will do my best to help you.

Best wishes.

John

Art Seago asked:
John,

We just finished our first seven-day cruise on Sunday. The Carnival Magic is truly a great ship. The accommodations and the staff were wonderful. Our first cruise was the one of the last voyages the Carnival Ecstasy made out of Galveston. We also had a great time on that trip. The one thing we missed on the Carnival Magic that was on the Carnival Ecstasy was the water depth on the info channel in the room. There were a few new pieces of info, but knowing how DEEP the water was, was a nice little touch. The kids were really looking forward to seeing if we went into any water deeper than 11,000 feet…but it was missing from this ship. Is/Can that be added back to the info screen?

Thanks.

Art Seago

John says:
Hello Art Seago,

Carnival Magic is currently at the number one spot in the fleet as per review cards completed by the guests and your review is another fine example as to why. The water depth is supposed to be on the information channel and I will have to investigate as to why it was not there so thanks for letting me know. I will pass your comments to the ship and I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Faye Murray asked:

John we are booked on the Carnival Breeze for June 15th – my question is simple – I have prepaid gratuities but tip extra for room service, and special service. Should we buy Euros for tips or good old American dollars? Is there a preference on a Mediterranean cruise? Many thanks!

John says:
Hello Faye Murray,

How wonderful you are to ask that question and the answer is that to save you rate of exchange and commission, USD are most welcome. However, if you have Euros they too will be fine so the answer is I think, what’s best for you, Faye. I must say you are so kind to ask and I truly look forward to welcoming you onboard.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Vicki W asked:
Hi John!

I enjoy reading your blog and FB page and would like to know who the comedians will be for our cruise May 26. Thanks John and you are a diamond for putting up with what you do.

John says:
Hello Vicki W,

Thanks for the very kind words and here is your entertainment for your cruise. I hope you have a brilliant time.

• Sat, May, 26 – Miami Welcome – Aboard Show dep @ 4pm
• Sun, May, 27 – Half Moon Cay (9am-5pm) – Wonderful World – Tommy Drake / Dan Smith
• Mon, May, 28 – At sea – Edge (Tommy Drake / Dan Smith)
• Tue, May, 29 – St Thomas (10am – 6pm) – Singing With The Big Band /Chris Graves
• Wed, May, 30 – San Juan (7am-3:30pm) – Fun Hop Deck Party
• Thu, May, 31 – Grand Turk (11am-5:30) – Just Rock Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball
• Fri, Jun, 01 – at sea – Carnival Legends Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball

Best wishes,

John

Linda Bailey asked:
John,

I don’t understand why they are renaming the Carnival Destiny after she is redone to the “Sunshine.” Who picked that name? Sounds from the forums like there are not many cruisers who like the name. I am sailing on her anyway Christmas 2013 but I sure think they could have come up with a better name. Just a thought! But for now, just looking forward to the Carnival Glory in a little over a month on April 29. Thanks for listening.

Linda

John says:
Hello Linda Bailey,

I know there were some questions when we announced the name change from Carnival Destiny to Carnival Sunshine and I totally understand that some have a firm allegiance to the vessel under her own name. It is important that we all remember to use the full name, Carnival Sunshine and not just Sunshine as the Carnival prefix really makes a difference. The most important thing is to wait and see what we are doing to the vessel and I promise that when she returns from her 49-day dry dock that Carnival Sunshine…….will be a perfect name for her. I am always here to listen and I hope you will let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Ken Martin asked:
John,

It’s been too long since I’ve cruised (kids in college, a divorce, etc.) But Woo Hoo Hi Diddlee Dee It’s the Carnival Liberty for me and my friends (over 14 rooms with 100+ Carnival cruises under our belts. I’m still getting the info tallied). Just a thought as we’ll be on the 2.0 Liberty. Are there any plans to have Guy Fieri do a cruise and have him do some seminars on some of his famous dishes or his Diners, Drive-ins and Dives recipes? There are lots of us who’d sign up (Just ask the question on Facebook and I bet you’ll get a ton of positive replies. Thanks mate in advance for your checking this out and look forward to hearing what may or may not happen. Ken P.S. can’t wait to try one of Guy’s Burgers. The closest thing we have to it is Five Guys Burgers here in SW Florida

John says:
Hello Ken Martin,

That’s a brilliant question and one I don’t know the answer to. I will though certainly suggest this as it’s a great idea. I saw him cook live in New York and it was a fantastic rock and roll experience and the end result was the best burger in the world……as you are soon to discover for yourself. I will follow up on this and let you know.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

I have made quite a few mistakes since I started writing blogs and there have been times when in retrospect I probably should not have written about certain subjects. Top of that list is the new loyalty program which I first wrote about some two years ago or thereabouts. Back then it looked like we were just a few weeks away from launching but suddenly we were not and I was told that the project was far grander than first planned and it was going to be not weeks but months, lots of months before we were ready to announce what we were doing. It was my fault, 100% my fault. I was so anxious to tell you all that this exciting program was on the way that I jumped the gun so to speak and here we are still waiting.

Since then I have been ridiculed somewhat for this by posters here, on Facebook and on Cruise Critic and rightly so. I can understand why and as I said, it’s my fault. If I didn’t have this social media site and my Facebook page then nobody would have been any the wiser and while I think for the most part that my pages do help get the Carnival messages out and while they do keep you informed, there are times when silence would have been as golden. So please let me apologise to you all for my glaring mistake. In the coming weeks we will have the grand launch of a program that will keep our loyal guests returning to Carnival for another brilliantly fun and affordable cruise vacation.

So here I am on the Carnival Breeze in my cabin and it’s good to be finally onboard the ship, my home for the next few months. I am about to show you photos of my cabin which so many have asked for and I can understand the fascination of why people want to see where the crew live and in this case, where the fat bloke sits in his underpants writing blogs to you. Back when we had the Holiday class the CD cabins were huge. In fact they were Verandah suite cabins, exactly the same as the guest suites on the Holiday, Jubilee and Celebration and they were fantastic. I could hold a full department meeting there and still have room to swing loads of cats and invite a few Latvian casino girls over. God I was a stud back then with the female staff desperate for my attention. I had a huge cabin and a bathtub and I might as well have replaced my cabin door with a revolving one for the Latvian casino girls………and a cat flap for the cute girls from spa. OK, that was bollocks but a man can dream.

Then came the Fantasy-class and the cabins were still nice but a little smaller although the bedroom was probably the nicest of all the classes. Then we had the Destiny- and Conquest-class and for all the senior officers the cabins were smaller and so indeed were they on the Spirit-class as well although we have balconies on those ships. So the Dream-class has smaller cabins for the senior officers because of The Lanai which as you know wraps around the entire deck 5 and this has meant the cabin is smaller than that on Destiny/Conquest/Splendor class of ships. Anyway, let me show you my home and this is as I found it this morning so you are seeing what I saw just a few hours ago using my Raspberry video, so excuse the quality

Yep, that’s my home and as you can see from the photos I have a bit of a problem…….. ummmm ………..there’s no office chair. In fact there are no chairs at all as they haven’t been delivered yet. This means I am here writing to you in my underpants………………sitting on Calvyn.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John
X

These buggers made my life boring. I am not a violent man but when I am bored I find myself thinking about doing bad things to Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit with a chainsaw. Why is the fat bloke talking about boredom I hear you cry? Surely he is too busy with the new ship and the blog and Facebook and www.Latvianwomeninsuspenders.com and stuffing his face with pasta, isn’t he?

Well yes, for the most part you would be right but not yesterday. Carnival Breeze is on sea trials, the yard office is closed and the young entertainment staff and Calvyn all decided to go to a club on Saturday night and on Sunday they took the train to Venice leaving me all on my own and bored out of my sodding mind.

Monfalcone is a lovely little town and I really tried to think of something to do but having been here many times, I knew there would be bugger all apart from eating and shopping. Now I could have gone to the art gallery but that would have taken my boredom to a whole new level. You see, with the greatest respect to those who love art, I would rather have someone pump gas into the crack of my arse and then have H82seaugo set it on fire then go to an art gallery. Once, when I was an idiot, I went to Paris with the young lady I was dating at the time who insisted we go to see the Mona Lisathingy at the Louvre. So we took the tour of the gallery where a French guide spoke for 45 minutes about her sodding smile. He knew everything about the painting but bugger all about deodorant. I think that the Mona Lisa is covered by bullet proof glass to stop people like me who are bored out their minds taking a knife to it just to stop Pierre the tour guide from endlessly talking about it. And I’m sorry but I think a painting of Megan Fox’s bottom is far better than anything Leonardo Da Vinci ever did. OK, time to stop talking about being bored and time to crack on with some Q and A………..off we go.

Debbie Chisora asked:

Perhaps you should listen to Dave C and his offer to help you John. I was on the cruise with you in the Baltic on the Carnival Splendor and you were carrying a lot of extra weight and at times your appearance did not IMHO come up to the expectations of the passengers. My daughter had a recurring weight problem and thanks to Bonita Fat Burner pills which has 100% natural herbal ingredients so it’s perfectly safe for your body to take. This miracle pill has taken my daughter’s weight from 375 pounds to 280 pounds in just nine months and I think you should consider this John, again IMHO. The other reason I am writing to your blog is to tell you that we will be with you on the Carnival Breeze on the September 7 cruise from Barcelona. Our last cruise on Carnival Dream we had a big problem with dinner as my husband and I who are in our late 50s and our daughter were sat with two other couples both in their 20s. Come on Carnival, how does that make sense? Well, after the first day we demanded to be moved and were given a table just for us three which we much prefer and that’s what we would want again, a private table for the three of us. I hope this can be arranged and I will bring you some of the Bonita Fat Burner pills and maybe you can speak to Dayna my daughter about how it has helped her. Thank you John and please watch your weight. Booking #******

John says:
Hello Debbie Chisora

Thanks for thinking of me, you are most kind. Many congratulations on your daughter’s weight loss and while I thank you for the suggestion please don’t worry about the pills. I am doing this important weight loss myself my way and indeed I think I have lost a bit of weight since we last cruised together. I will certainly help you with your table for three and as we are sometime away from the sailing date please may I ask that you send me your request one month before you sail. So, on August 7 please send it here marked time sensitive or maybe you can send me a note to my Facebook page 10 days before so either way I don’t forget. I will see you soon and wish you all a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Daniel Bearcrofter asked:

I have been on many cruises with Costa, Holland America and we just returned from our eight Carnival cruise so as you can see my wife and I love to cruise! Boarding was a breeze. Maybe because we got on the ship at 2pm, embarkation was the quickest ever. Tampa is a fantastically easy port to begin with; this boarding was absolutely exceptional in that there were zero people ahead of us. Check-in to room was probably done in less than 10 minutes, including a stop for the obligatory boarding-day picture! Ship is probably the ugliest Carnival ship I’ve ever been on. I’m betting designer Joe Farcus wishes he could go back and re-do this ship. Everyone has a bad day, and alas this was not Joe’s best effort. That said, his bad day designing ship interiors for Carnival will be better than any of us could ever hope for. The glass art on stairwells was pretty nice, but the rest of the ship left me cold. As Carnival’s chief architect, Farcus does some amazing work, but I just didn’t love this one. Cabin staff was amazing and our cabin attendant, Anoop from India, was wonderful. These guys work extremely hard and if you appreciate their efforts, please show it with a little something in U.S. currency! Likewise, with our wait staff (Salvo from Croatia and assistant Carlos) for table 221, early seating. Wonderful job and great ambassadors for Carnival. These guys too work extremely hard. I didn’t get a comment card. I wanted to make sure the people who made this cruise special were recognized.

John says:
Hello Daniel Bearcrofter

Thank you for this wonderful review. Joe Farcus has a brilliant mind and his entertainment architecture is certainly a escape from the everyday way we live our lives. Everyone has their own favourite Joe designed ship and Carnival Legend is certainly one of mine. I want to say a huge thank you for taking the time to write and I will make sure that everyone you mentioned gets to see your words of praise for their fantastic work.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nancy Zeman asked:
Hello John:

Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading it and about all the new things coming down the pike with Carnival. My brother, niece, and her boyfriend, and I will be going on another Carnival cruise, May 26 from Miami. We loved our first cruise on Carnival last year. This will be my ninth cruise (second on Carnival) but I have always cruised on the Carnival family of companies. We appreciate the low-key atmosphere and the great ports – including Grand Turk! What a wonderful time we had there. We’ve had a rough year as a family as my 80-year-old mother has been ill due to a brown recluse spider bite. My brother, Mick, who will be sharing a cabin with me, has been her primary caretaker. This cruise will be his first chance to get away from the responsibilities of caring for her. I was wondering if there is something special you could do for him? We will be on the Carnival Liberty (can’t wait to try Guy’s place!) in stateroom 6395. I appreciate anything you could do John. I hope to one day cruise with you.

Sincerely,

Nancy Zeman

John says:
Hello Nancy Zeman

Goodness me, I think the words “spider bite” will terrify many reading this and I send my best wishes to Mum and I will indeed send him something.

I hope you can all relax and have fun together and I wish you the best of times.

John

Martin Mays asked:
John,

I just wanted to take a minute and recognize one of the Carnival staff for doing an outstanding job and going above and beyond what I would consider his normal job. His name is Aaron Johnson and he’s a personal vacation planner. My family and I have been booking our cruise vacations through him for the last few years and no matter what questions or issues we may have, he has always been available to us even on his days off. He’s always been extremely friendly and courteous and goes out of his way to make sure our vacations are hassle free. I’ve referred him to many friends and they all have said the same thing. Please pass this up or down the chain so his supervisors know what a great job he does.

Thank you.

Martin Mays

John says:
Hello Martin Mays

It is always wonderful when we read of the shoreside people who have worked hard to make sure the arrangements for your cruise have been taken care of in a special way. I will make sure Aaron sees this as will his boss so thanks very much for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Whitney asked:
Hi John!

First and foremost I would like to thank you for the hard work you put in to help all of us. I truly learn so much from your blog and Facebook. It’s also interesting to see into the career
of a cruise director. Seeing the problems you have to deal with makes me happy I’m not in customer service because I know I’m not even half as patient as you are! My question is about excursions. My husband and I are going on our second cruise in May. The place I’ve wanted to visit most since a child is Grand Cayman. I want to see the most that I can, so we booked two excursions through Carnival. The times don’t overlap, but there is only 30 minutes between the time the first is over and the second starts. The second is a trip to Seven Mile Beach which I know is relatively easy to get to without a Carnival excursion, but my husband refuses to do anything yet that is not a Carnival excursion as he’s afraid to miss the boat. I wanted your opinion on if we should cancel our beach excursion and take a taxi to the beach or if we should be fine with doing the two excursions. Thanks John so much for all that you do!! You truly are the best and Carnival is so lucky to have you!

John says:
Hello Whitney

Thanks so much for those kind words and I hope I have written this answer in time because I see you are cruising this month. My apologies for the delay and yes, take the beach excursion because everything is included from your own private chair and umbrella to lunch and, of course, round trip transportation to and from the ship. I hope the skies are blue for your day in Grand Cayman as Seven Mile Beach is amazing and you will have a fantastic time.

Best wishes to you both and I am humbled by your wonderful words.

John

Georgie Marino asked:
Hi John

First of all – your blog is fabulous – one of the few things I look forward to each day. We were on the Carnival Magic Mediterranean cruise last August and it was more than wonderful. We wanted to go on the June 3 Carnival Breeze cruise but I need to have surgery – so I’m ready to book either the Sept. 7 or the Sept. 19 Carnival Breeze cruise. Will you and/or Ken Byrne be on the Breeze for either of those cruises? Please let me know.

Love and kisses.

Georgie Marino

John says:
Hello Georige Marino

I hope this reply finds you well following your surgery and I wish you a full and quick recovery and both Ken and I will be on the ship to give you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Joe De Luca asked:
John

New York deserves better than the rust bucket Carnival Miracle. C’mon, Carnival, stop sending the best ships to the ancient nearly-deads in Florida and give us a decent boat. I am Platinum VIP and if Carnival wants my business, then they had better do something and send us a new ship.

John says:
Hello Joe De Luca

Thank you for your loyalty, Joe, and I am sure by now as a Carnival fan, you will know that we are sending the Carnival Splendor to New York next year. However, the Carnival Miracle a truly magnificent ship and is for many their favourite so your description of her is unfounded to be fair mate. Thanks again for your loyalty and I hope we see you on Carnival Splendor.

Best wishes.

John

Pamela Hattaway asked:

Do you know if the ship Carnival Fascination has any AA meetings? My husband heard they have some meetings called Friends of Bill W on some cruises.

Thanks for your help.

Pam

John says:
Hello Pamela Hattaway

Yes indeed, we have Friends of Bill W meetings each and every day on every ship. Please let me know if you need anything and I hope you have a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Jenni Tan asked:

My husband purchased tickets to eat at the steak house restaurant on the Carnival Valor for our 10th wedding anniversary and there was a total lack of vegetarian options for the main course of the meal. I was offered a mushroom dish and that was it and I was severely disappointed and was still charged the $30 even with only one main course to choose from. This has left me very angry and as one of thousands of vegetarians who cruise your ships, I say that you should respect our needs and include more options.

John says:
Hello Jenni Tan

Firstly may I say that I hope you had a fantastic cruise and I wish you many more happy years together. I know that the steakhouse does have a menu which, as the name suggests, is based around dishes made mostly of meat. However, I will let the chef know of your disappointment and ask him to look into the possibility of adding more options for you and other vegetarians. I apologise that you were left disappointed and I do really hope that this aside you had a brilliant time together.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today. Thanks to everyone for their comments and questions.

Over the last few days, I have posted some new and exciting features that will appear on the Carnival Breeze and for the most part, they have been received with excitement and with the knowledge that choice is a good thing. If you think back to maybe 10 years ago, there was far much less choice on board and not just in food and entertainment areas either. I remember the days when guests were offered the choice of cash or Sail & Sign and when I was an assistant bar manager the safe would be full of many thousands of dollars. I can only imagine how much cash was onboard by the end of a seven-day cruise. Then, as a CD, I would sit backstage with a huge pile of cash for bingo prizes……….yep, cash was king. I am told that the world is going to be cashless by the year 2050 and that as each year passes, less and less places will accept cash at all.

It’s not that easy though. Not only can’t you use cash on the ship but have you ever tried to last a few days without using cash? I don’t mean sponging off other people. I mean literally not laying a hand on any coins and notes. I tried to pay for the taxi that brought me from the Trieste airport hotel in Monfalcone with my Carnival travel and expense credit card and the driver looked at me as though I had just offered him my gentlemen’s sausage as payment. I guess it does make sense in a way not having to carry dirty old money with you …… right up to the point when you get of a plane and find you need a dollar to pay for a sodding luggage trolley.

And what about tipping? I know many of you like to tip in cash and certainly that’s a great thing but if cash disappears, what about street collections? What will we give the Salvation Army at Christmas and how about street performers they would die of poverty which would be a real shame …..….. Except for those creepy mime artists…………can’t stand them.

Despite a few grumpy comments on Facebook about extra charge items, guest reaction to the Carnival Breeze has been nothing short of sensational and has been met with huge excitement. So I thought we should take a look at what you can have on the Carnival Breeze without paying an extra penny on a 12-day cruise.

Let’s start with shows.
- Four stunning new production shows
- Six different comedians who perform a total of 28 comedy performances
- Three variety entertainers
- A fat bastard of cruise director performs some rubbish comedy, as well.

You can listen and dance to:
- A seven-piece band
- A duo
- Three solo musicians
- Two DJs
- Piano Bar soloist

And some, just some of the many complimentary activities will include:
- Karaoke and Superstar Live Karaoke
- Dance classes
- Trivia contests and games
- Sing a longs
- Deck parties
- The brand new Hasbro, The Game Show.
- 12 movies on the Seaside Theatre big screen
- Movies on the stateroom TV’s
- A library
- The huge water park
- The Serenity deck which, unlike some other lines, is free
- The ropes course
- Basketball/soccer/volleyball court
- Mini golf
- Foosball
- Ping Pong
- Pool tables
- Water aerobics
- Deck games and pool games

Activities and shows and events you pay for……….ummmm………..the Thrill Theatre, laser tag, bingo and babysitting services at Camp Carnival. Did I miss any?

Let’s talk food.

Here is the food that is included in the cost of your cruise
- The Punchliner Comedy Brunch Presented by George Lopez
- Breakfast on lido deck or in the main dining rooms
- Guy Fieri’s brilliant burgers
- The new Comfort Kitchen on Lido
- Blue Iguana Cantina
- The Grand Buffett
- Lunchtime fare in the Serenity area
- Chef’s Choice
- The New York Deli
- Sea Dogs on SportSquare
- Indian Tandoor
- 24 hour Pizzeria
- Mongolian Wok
- Sweet Spot Lido Dessert Bar
- The Taste Bar offering a different pre-dinner on different nights (including sushi from Bonsai Sushi)
- Dinner at early, late or Your Time Dining
- Relaxed dining on Lido including complimentary sushi
- 24 hour coffee, ice tea and lemonade
- Late-night snacks
- Jamaican patties served in the casino from midnight
- And 24-hour free room service

Oh, and we will put a free chocolate on your pillow every night in case you get the munchies.

Here is what you pay extra for:
- Bonsai Sushi
- RedFrog Pub’s snacks at $3.33 each
- Cucina del Capitano – $12 per person
- The Fahrenheit 555 steakhouse – $30 per person
- Drinks, wine, cocktails and specialty coffees

I am sure I may have missed something and yes, we do charge for a few items but when you look at the lists above, I think we offer a brilliant product, don’t you?

Well, the ship is back from its successful sea trials and now Carnival Breeze is at the pier where until May 31, she will remain. More and more Carnival crew are arriving and today we started rehearsals for Hasbro, The Game Show and thank goodness my Sunday boredom has disappeared as the busy times return. There is one other thing I forgot to mention that is at the top of my boredom list…….shopping. Not only is it boring as an art gallery but it means that you will, as a man, end up in a huge argument with your wife or partner You see, it is absolutely bloody impossible for men and women to spend the day shopping without a huge argument breaking out…………unless:

1. He is metrosexual
2. He has been castrated
3. He is dead
4. There is the absolute 100% certainty there will be rumpy pumpy at the end of the trip.

Before I headed to Italy I had a week off, as you know, and one of those days we went shopping for clothes for Heidi because she has nothing to wear for the Carnival Breeze‘s inaugural cruise apart from the 397 dresses and blouses hanging in her closet. I knew even before we went to the Bluewater shopping mall what would happen and I was right because it’s always the same
Heidi will try something on while I stand with Kye waiting…..slowly losing the will to live. Heidi will then come out of the changing room and ask my opinion.

I will say, “I love it.”

Heidi will say, “Really?”

I will say, “Yes, it’s gorgeous, buy it now. Please save my soul so I can get out of this non- air-conditioned over-lit hell hole. Yes, I really like it. No, I am not just saying that. It’s the best sodding dress I have ever seen in my life. If you don’t want it I will have it and wear it on the stage for the handover ceremony. Please for the love of God, just BUY THE SODDING DRESS!”

Of course, she won’t. Kye and I will be forced to visit another 107 shops……then go back to the first one…….and buy it. And that is exactly what happened. Oh, FFS!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

However, there was another situation which happened last week that really has me thinking I am just a few steps away from the Pearly Gates. We had some friends over to the house to celebrate Heidi’s birthday and while we sat eating some fabulous Indian take-out one of our friends said, “Have you decided in your will to be buried or cremated?” Now our friends are all the same age as me or Heidi so let’s put that into perspective shall we. That’s a group of people aged 38 – 48 talking about death while chomping on some chicken tika masala. And do you know what? Everyone seemed eager to talk about this as they would who was shagging who on Desperate Housebitches of New Orange County or cars! One of my mates knew a lot on this subject. He knew that the world is running out of space to bury our dead and that in Japan, 99 percent are cremated. He also said that one cemetery in London is burying people on top of a stranger who had been buried hundreds of years ago. Bugger that. No way do I want to be laid to rest on top of some chap that died of syphilis or the plague.

Since this conversation at dinner I have been giving a lot of thought to this whole buried or cremated thing. I know some of you may have religious reasons to do one or the other and I respect that of course. I, on the other hand, have been in a bit of a quandary. I used to think that when I die I want to be buried, because if I am lucky enough to go to heaven (which will be based on the fact that I send people strawberries and trophies), it’ll be hard to enjoy its wonderful brilliance if I’ve been cremated. I guess I mean that you’re never going to have rumpy pumpy with a Latvian angel if you look like the contents of a vacuum cleaner. However, one thing keeps playing over and over in my mind and that was a movie I saw many years ago. It starred Peter Cushing and was part of the old Hammer House of Horror movies. All I can remember were the fingers of bodies were attached to a rope that would ring a bell if they moved meaning they had been buried alive. Bugger that and therefore its cremation for me and this is my will and testament. Throw me on the fire and scatter my ashes at sea……..leaving just a small handful to sprinkle on H82seaugo’s chocolate melting cake.

Time for some Q and A……..here we go.

Luis Garcia asked:
Hello John.

I make no apologies in saying how angry and disappointed I am with Carnival’s decision to take the Carnival Splendor away from California and not give us another boat in its place. Californians are wonderful people who love to cruise and yet we are being punished, why!!!!!!!  As a police officer working the streets of LA I have the toughest and most stressful job in the world and am not paid enough to be able to afford to fly to Florida to take a cruise. I have done three with Carnival and there won’t be a 4th thanks to your bad management decisions.

John says:
Hello Luis Garcia

First of all, I thank you for your service as a police officer and thank you for taking the time to write and express your opinion. We have, as you said, decided to reposition the Carnival Splendor to New York after her South America voyages and replace her with the Carnival Miracle West Coast next spring to operate our Mexican Riviera, Alaska and Hawaii cruises. We realize that many people really loved the Carnival Splendor but the Carnival Miracle is truly spectacular as well.  We also have the beautiful Carnival Inspiration to enjoy from Long Beach. I truly hope there will be a fourth cruise.

Best wishes and stay safe.

John

Melissa Bergamin asked:
Hello John,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a while now and had mixed feelings about sending you this message, but I’ve decided it’s for the greater good – being the sanity of my cruising partner aka my mum. We are booked on the Carnival Miracle this summer (July 25) and we are very excited. This will be her eighth Carnival cruise and my fifth. Part of the reason for this mother-daughter cruise is because I have moved overseas to teach. I worked in China last year, and this year I have been living and working in Cairo, Egypt. I will also be returning to Egypt for next year. My time home is limited and we decided one way to maximize was to take a Carnival cruise together. I’m hitting two of my favourite stops (St. Thomas and Grand Turk) and we have booked a balcony. Now to the point of this rather long winded essay, I have promised my mum that I will indeed FORCE myself to relax with her. In the past, my idea of a cruise vacation was wake up, hit every activity humanly possible, and then add three more… I tend to tire people out when I just explain to them the course of my average cruise day.  Whatever, part of my addiction to action on Carnival is the hunt for the coveted SOS.  I get quite moody until I win one (not in front of other passengers, just my mum) and so I was hoping to save her sanity and to help me keep my promise of relaxing with her, you could help me out by sending me a SOS or arranging for me to be able to purchase one. I can already see her rolling her eyes at me and telling me to “relax” …….. and as I love her to bits, I would do anything within my power to make her happy and thank her. I understand if you cannot help me out, but I figured I would ask. I owe my mum’s sanity that much. Thank you for all you do, and the hours of entertainment combined with information you’ve provided on your blog.

A fan of your fun ship feature,

Melissa

John says:
Hello Melissa Bergamin

People take cruises for many different reasons and one of the common reasons is to take time for themselves and be able to relax and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. I can see that you are really ready to do just that and I am sure that the crew will make sure they serve and entertain you and take your worries away. I will be happy to send you a trophy as requested and hope that you can write to me here on June 25 or a few days before you sail on my Facebook page so that I don’t forget. I wish you both a wonderful time.

Best wishes

John

Brenda asked:
Hi John

We have sailed with you twice now on the Carnival Freedom in the Med and this past summer on the Carnival Magic in the Med. We are currently Platinum with 22 cruises (my 10 yr old has 22 cruises too!).  How will this work with the new loyalty program. We are only three cruises from Milestone with three future cruises booked (Dec. 2012 July 2013 and Dec 2013).  How close do we have to be to be grandfathered into the milestone program?  This will be a real bummer if we miss it and we are this close! Please let me know. Lastly, will you be on the Legend in the Baltic in 2013? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Brenda

I am getting lots of questions like this and it is quite understandable, of course. We are now just a very short time away from announcing the new loyalty program and the four different levels that this will be based on. Looking at the fact that you are this close to Milestone and with three cruises booked you should have no worries or concerns about you getting the top level. More details to come soon and yes indeed, I will see you on the beautiful Carnival Legend.

Best wishes and thanks for your brilliant loyalty.

John

Linda Shearing asked:

We have a big Cruise Critic roll call for the Carnival Dream cruise of 5/19/12. I expect 100 will attend so we need the piano bar on the Sunday sea day at 1:30pm -3:30pm. I have written to you before on your blog but did not get a response so I hope you will respond this time! Can we also have bar service?

John says:
Hello Linda Shearing

I am sorry I have not responded to you before but I am glad I saw this in time for me to be able to arrange this. I cannot promise you the piano bar as this may have been taken by a group already or indeed used for a ship’s function. However, I will make sure that it is arranged and that the location and time appears in the Fun Times and that a bar waiter attends to take individual drink orders. I hope you all have a fantastic cruise and enjoy meeting new friends.

Best wishes.

John

Elizabeth Windfelder asked:

HELP, I can’t decide! Which would you choose? 7/9/12 or 7/21/12 sailing on Carnival Breeze from Barcelona?

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Windfelder

I am sure thanks to my lateness of reply that you have probably decided what to do already. If not and having had a look at both I would suggest the 7/21 sailing……oh hold on…….no….the 7/9 sailing……oh bugger. I am, obviously, of no use here because both are brilliant voyages and I hope regardless that I see you this summer. I am sorry I couldn’t be of much use here but I promise that if you have other questions I will give you more complete answers.

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
Hi John

Have a question, will you be doing a live report from Carnival Destiny‘s extreme makeover in Italy next year. And why did Carnival feel it necessary to change her name? Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul

I will indeed be with the film crew at the yard and reporting on her amazing dry dock. I can understand that there are those who having cruised on her as the Carnival Destiny have a special connection with her. This upcoming refit is by far the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken and will totally transform the Carnival Destiny. With such dramatic changes, it just made sense to rename the ship. Once everyone sees the incredible transformation she will undergo that the name Carnival Sunshine will be absolutely applicable. She will be a ship reborn.

Best wishes.

John

Janice Travelli asked:

Have just returned from the Pride which was my 10th cruise. The platinum VIP gift we got was the beach bag/backpack and compared to the gift we receive as a diamond VIP with RCI it leaves a lot to be desired. It looks cheap and what is someone of my age (62) supposed to do with a bag like this. On RCI I got a beautiful crystal paper weight and a lovely T-shirt. Just saying!

John says:
Hello Janice Travelli

I am surprised to read that you did not like the bag as I have heard nothing but positive reports about it from other guests. We will be changing the gift again when the new loyalty program is introduced and, of course, I hope we will see you for cruise number 11 so that you can enjoy it.

Best wishes

John

Rona asked:

I have watched videos of you and Calvin and I have to say you two are like Laurel and Hardy. So funny together.

John says:
Hello Rona

The problem there is that one of them was skinny! Seriously, thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and to be compared with the greatest double act ever is amazing. I will post more videos of us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martin Stansfield asked:

I am just off the Carnival Triumph and was not impressed. I detected an overall vibe of boredom and depression from the staff. The cleaning staff/housekeeping appeared to be from the Philippines or Indonesia. They never smiled and said hello in the halls, but it was unusual to come across so many foreign staff. The front desk had a very poor attitude each time I went there to complain. In general, the presence of so many immigrant workers (many Indians, Bulgarians, etc made up the wait staff), gave me an odd impression. I suppose you don’t hire American crew because outsourcing labor is cheaper, is this the reason Mr. Heald?

John says:
Hello Martin Stansfield

Well, let me start by saying that I am shocked that you should say that the crew were unfriendly as that is something that we very rarely hear and I will make a point of sending your comments to the ship’s senior management. Like most cruise lines, we hire talented people from all over the world and in fact at Carnival more than 100 nationalities are represented. We take a great deal of pride in having the friendliest crew at sea and all crew undergo training to hone their hospitality skills. I do hope that there were many aspects of the cruise that you did enjoy.

Best wishes

John

Jon Heller asked:
Hey John,

I was just wondering since I had been on the Carnival Magic a few weeks ago and thought you were a great cruise director. I was wondering if you were scheduled to be on the Breeze next year during the departure date of 2.16.2013. Let me know if you will be because either way we are booking this cruise. Had so much fun on the magic, can’t wait for the Carnival Breeze and Carnival Sunshine

John says:
Hello Jon Heller

Thanks for those wonderful words and yes indeed, I will be there as I am hosting the Bloggers Cruise in January and intend to stay on through February and March. I am so glad you had fun and hope we see each other next year.

Best wishes.

John

Laura Welk asked:
Hey John,

My friends and I are sailing in May this year and I had some questions about bringing our own liquor onboard. When I sailed with CCL the first time, we didn’t bring anything, the second time we brought a bottle of wine in our luggage and they confiscated it and we got it back the last night. Now, I have heard some conflicting things, some say you can bring liquor on in your carry on and are allowed one bottle per person, others say you can only bring in wine and are

allowed one bottle per person and some say you cannot bring it at all. I completely understand not being allowed to bring it on at all and seeing how CCL would like our liquor purchased from them. But since we are cruising in a few months I thought I would ask, mostly out of curiosity from all the mixed answers I have gotten. Hope this email finds you well and you have been enjoying yourself on the bloggers cruise. I enjoy your blog and Facebook updates immensely!

Thanks in advance!

Laura

John says:
Hello Laura Welk

I am sorry that this has been confusing and it looks like we (I) need to do a better job in getting the right information out. You can indeed bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on the ship in your carryon bag and if you decided to take this to the dining room there will be a corkage fee for the waiter to serve it. I hope this is OK and if you have any further questions please let me know.

Best wishes and thanks so very much for the very kind words.

John

That’s all for today.

So here I am writing to you once again and before I forget may I thank Michelle and Mary who despite not having beards have done a wonderful job answering questions for me during my time at home with the girls. Talking of which, saying goodbye to Kye gets harder and harder and tugs at my heart strings to the point that tears run down my fat ugly face. I doubt it will ever get easier, will it?

So here I am in Italy, writing to you from the Carnival Breeze. Well, actually I am in the yard office which Carnival uses when we have a new ship being built. It is very warm here and there is no air conditioning or if there is it is being provided by an asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. The ship looks brilliant and let me say straight away that Gerry and the beards have hit a huge home run here. Yep, she is a slam dunk, touchdown……ummmmm…….hit for six (cricket reference) vessel that I have no trepidation in saying is our very best yet. Once again the brilliant people here at Fincantieri are making a brilliant vacation home. What they do here is nothing short of amazing and in one month as we head to the Mediterranean and talk becomes of RedFrogs, BlueIguanas and Cucinas, it’s easy to forget that men and women built this ship.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the ship will leave the Monfalcone shipyard for a two day sea trial. She has passed all her previous sea trials with flying colours and talking to the Chief Engineer Antonio this morning he expects everything to be just perfect. Now in the days ahead I will have video interviews with all the senior officers which I hope you will enjoy.

There is only a skeleton crew from Carnival here with the department heads getting ready to welcome their crew over the next few days. Yesterday, 10 huge trucks arrived with supplies as diverse as trashcans to uniforms. The operation is continuous and the huge warehouse is filling up slowly with all our supplies. Move on date for the supplies is May 8 and the move on date for the crew to join is May 15. Now I mentioned uniforms because the Carnival Breeze will have new uniforms for all the crew. Yep, all of them from waiters to state room stewards from Camp Carnival staff to photographers, everyone will have the new look and I will show you just how they look in the days ahead. The new uniforms will then move across the fleet and I think the crew is going to love them. Especially happy is the entertainment staff whose new day uniform means they no longer look like they are delivering you a large pepperoni pizza.

The entertainment staff arrived yesterday as did cruise director extraordinaire Butch Begovitch.

He will be teaching the staff the 2.0 deck parties and hosting the first cruise Hasbro, The Game Show activities as I won’t have time to do the rehearsals etc. It will be great to have him with me. I know you are all anxiously awaiting more photos of the ship but as all the areas are still being worked on I shall wait a few more days until you can see her in all her undoubted glory.

Yesterday we announced all the brilliant food items for the Carnival Breeze and just in case you missed it, here is the announcement as written by our great friend from PR, Mr. Vance Gulliksen.

NEW FULL-SERVICE SUSHI RESTAURANT, OUTDOOR BBQ VENUE AMONG TANTALIZING ARRAY OF CUISINE CHOICES ON CARNIVAL BREEZE

And as mentioned there is a contest ongoing and here is Everett the Beard with a reminder about that.

One of the worst things about Facebook is that sometimes you’ll read a friend’s status update and it’s so inane you just want to… I don’t know, throw a handful of pico de gallo at them. But then it just ends up dripping down your monitor and keyboard, you have to clean it up yourself* and the person doesn’t even know — the gesture was meaningless, and you are now sad.

Carnival doesn’t want to see you sad, so we created the BlueIguana Cantina Fight for Your Appetite Sweepstakes!

Here’s how this works: we’ve made a Facebook page where you can not only learn more about some of the foods offered at BlueIguana Cantina, vote for your favorite dishes, enter to win an awesome Carnival Breeze cruise for two with airfare… and naturally, throw digital food at someone else’s Facebook wall. (It’s both therapeutic and thoughtful!)

So let your mate’s wall have it… then get ready to Facebook message them to beg their forgiveness when they win the free cruise for two. Enter here so maybe you’ll win instead.

*Dishwashers are actually a great way to clean keyboards. Seriously. Look it up.

So lots of food glorious food and let’s start with sushi. Now, there were some grumbles from a few that we are charging for this so let me just repeat what I said on Facebook that we continue to offer free sushi on Lido and sushi is also included among the many offerings within The Taste Bar complimentary appetizer program.

The Bonsai Sushi bar looks fantastic and the new sushi recipes from $1 a plate will be a massive bargain and that the huge sushi boat for 2 for just $15 will be very popular as well I am sure.   Bonsai Sushi is a totally new concept for us with a more extensive menu and upgraded quality along with  sake and Japanese beer, in a fabulous new setting with a dedicated seating area.

Now while many of you are probably huge Sushi lovers and are very excited about the new sushi restaurant here on the Carnival Breeze I have to tell you I am not a fan of sushi. Yes, I hear you saying that it’s the “ultimate healthy fast food.” But it’s just not for me. My wife loves sushi and she wishes I would love it too, bless her little Dutch clogs. She doesn’t want me to die or to get fatter, so when I am home she keeps me on a diet of mashed vegetables, muesli and grilled sodding chicken. It is kind and loving of her to do so, but sometimes I look at our refrigerator shelves full of Greek yogurt and falafel and skimmed milk and olive spread, and I feel like crying. And when she isn’t with me on the ship there is no doubt that I will bypass the Bonsai Sushi restaurant and head to deck 10 and sink my teeth into a Guy Fieri burger with melted cheese, a crispy onion ring, lashings of bacon bits and even his very own special mayonnaise.

One of the more exciting elements of the Carnival Breeze involves the existing Lanai barbecue which has a new menu and will be called Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ. Now I can tell you that this was named after one of the most brilliant people I have ever met — our soft spoken, sports loving family man and Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Jim Berra. I have to say that I have never heard anyone call him “Jimmy” and that he isn’t fat………. if he is fat ten if they named the barbecue after me it would have to be called “Morbidly Obese Really Huge Fat Bastard Johnny’s BBQ.”

Anyway, I digress. Jim or Jimmy as I shall from here on in call him, has done so much and will do so much for this company and its right and just that we name this dining venue after him. He loves barbecue and has had a big say in the menu which we will talk about in a moment. Now I love barbecue food and yet while it’s OK to accept invitations to other people’s barbecues and its going to be brilliant on the Lanai on the Carnival Breeze, never, ever host one yourself. Throwing barbecues is for plonkers and guaranteed by the time it’s over to make you hate your friends forever.

It never looks like it does on TV where the host smiles warmly from behind his barbecue as friends and family lie back drinking and laughing in his garden. This is bollocks! You become hot, stressed and you begin to despise those having fun around you in your garden eating your food, drinking your booze all while you slave over a barbecue so hot that your face morphs into a melted latex glove. The only time people come near the BBQ host is with fake offers of help which, of course you must politely refuse. Then your now ex-friends will make patronsing remarks such as, “You’re doing a great job, chef!” This is the point where you have to restrain yourself from shoving a chicken leg up their arse and stabbing them in the eye with that big barbecue fork thingy. Yes, I hate barbecues, especially when I’m doing all the work.

But I love Fat Jimmy’s and just look at the menu. We will offer a mouth-watering array of grilled favorites, including barbecued chicken breast, kielbasa, Fat Jimmy’s signature item, pulled pork sandwiches, along with traditional sides like baked beans, potato salad, coleslaw and mini-corn muffins.

The Carnival Breeze is brilliant and as I walked around the ship with Gerry Cahill and his entourage I tried to put my mind into “guest mode” to try find something to complain about something — anything — about which I could complain. And all I could come up with is that some of the stools on the lido deck restaurant are a little high and some older guests may struggle to get on them. The ship has new designers who have incorporated cool crisp blues and relaxing yellows both in the public spaces and the staterooms.

So join me here and on Facebook as I tell you more about the Carnival Breeze, our best ship yet and the ultimate expression of fun!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But Mr. Romney is like most politicians, my British Prime Minister David Camaboring included. They are bunch of people who go to bed at 10pm, only drink Evian water, never try to look up their secretary’s skirts and have to resign if they even think about looking at some Latvian bottoms on the Internet. We are therefore governed by bores and people with the personality of a washing machine. Why is this good idea? No one says of their friends, “I chose them because they are all so kind to animals and they do good works.” We like people who like to laugh, to have fun, to break the rules once in a while……or is that just me.

Trouble is, it’s hard to find people like that anymore . . . you see, times are changing and we have to change with them.

When I head to the Carnival Breeze I will not be able to smoke something that has been rolled on the thigh of a voluptuous Cuban lady because crew are no longer allowed to smoke in guest areas. Yes, I will probably cheat that law in the wee small hours of a Venice morning, not because I think I am better or more deserving than other crew but because……….well……..I need one when stress hits me and I will take my Monte Cristo into a dark place light it up. I shouldn’t but I probably will.

I still remember that when I used to smoke in the much missed by me cigar bars I would get looks of pure hatred and utter amazement from guests as though I was sitting there naked with a Shiatsu on my lap. And this brings me to my hero.

While Cameron, Romney and Obama may be excellent politicians and may be doing some good for their country they are boring, just my opinion but that’s what I think. Imagine then if we had someone like Winston Churchill in power today. A cigar smoker. A big, big drinker. A man given to saying what he felt in parliament with great quotes like ” I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Brilliant!

But sadly a politician like this, under the glare of the paparazzi and the press ………he wouldn’t last a week.

It’s the same for all of us. You can be ostracized by your neighbors for putting your refuse in the wrong-colored trash can, you can have your car vandalized if it has four-wheel drive and doesn’t have the word Hybrid on it, and slapping the back of your kid’s legs if after he has super-glued his sister’s face to the television and painted and painted his Grandfather’s false teeth black is guaranteed to get you 5 years hard labor.

As a Cruise Director, I have to not smoke in public, sit up straight, watch what joke I say in case I offend anyone of any age, any sex, any religion, any creed, any color, any nationality, any height, any weight, of any……well……..thing . It’s hard. That’s why when I am on vacation, I smoke a cigar every day and tell all the jokes I could never tell on the ship to my Mum and Dad…….they particularly like the one about H82Seaugo, the Nun and the Elephant.

There is obviously a time and a place for it but I do worry that naughty behavior is being erased from society, and that unless the trend can be reversed, somehow we’ll all have to go through life like those Stepford Wives………..robotic and all programmed to do the right thing all the time.

I yearn sometimes when I encounter man like Mr. Romney with his perfect hair and who has, before heading to an interview with Wolf Blister, spent hours in front of the mirror maneuvering each hair into place like a Marine drill sergeant . I just want to creep up behind him and go “woohoo” and using both my hands mess hair up so badly it looks like he has just had a cattle prod shoved up his bottom.

Politics, like Cruise Directors need to be characters but I guess these days we will never see a true character ever again, someone like Churchill who smokes, laughs, drinks and swears and doesn’t care what people thought because he knew that he was a bloody good politician and brilliant leader. And he is on my dream cigar smoking list, people I would love to share a cigar with and along with Winston Churchill I would invite Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Angelina Jolie ( yes she smokes cigars ) and as I am bringing a beautiful woman to our cigar party I had better invite Bill Clinton too.

By the way, tomorrow I have a call with the beards to try and sell my idea of a cigar lovers cruise. I will let you know what happens.

Time for today’s Q and A………….off we go

Lisa Wann asked:

I need to know about the gondola weight limit. The website says 250 pounds and I am 300 plus pounds and my partner is also the same weight and we want to know if i will be banned from going. My partner is very upset that we won’t be able to go and I think it’s very bad that carnival should discriminate against heavy people in this way. What arrangements can be made for me to go and we are on the July 9 sailing of breeze. I should warn you that I am a senior member of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (Naafa) and I will be addressing your answer with them. As an obese person yourself Mr. Heald I am surprised that you don’t stand up for our rights more. I hope to receive a favorable response.

Lisa Wann

John says:
Hello Lisa Wann,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope you are looking forward to the cruise on our beautiful new Carnival Breeze. The weight limit is variable because we do put 4 people in the gondola on our fantastic and very romantic night time gondola ride. This means that if there is just 2 of you and it’s going to be a total of 600 pounds it may be difficult. Now obviously it is not Carnival that sets these rules but the gondoliers themselves as they have to manage the boats. The best thing here I think is to see me onboard and let me make a call to the tour operator and see if any arrangements can be made. I won’t promise but I will promise to do my best for you.

Best wishes,

John

Julie Wasson asked:
John,

I am getting nervous because the new loyalty program hasn’t been release.
In 3/12 I will have 8 cruises and I have my 9th cruise booked for 10/12. Also, I’m planning #10 on the Dream for 2/13. How is the loyalty program going to affect me. I’m been dreaming of the day that I will have VIP status and I don’t want a new program to take it away from me.

Thanks!

John says:
Hello Julie Wasson,

First of all my apologies for the delay in responding as I can see you have just completed your ninth cruise which I hope was fantastic for you and loads of fun. Please don’t worry, you will have your number of cruises grandfathered into the new loyalty levels and I will have information on this as soon as I can. Thanks for your continuing loyalty and if you have any other concerns please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Taylor Esplin asked:
Hello John,

We met on a cruise on the Splendor and I know you met lots of people but hopefully you will remember my husband Neil as the 6 foot 10 man you had on stage with you and who you called Lofty each day. You called him for the weather forecast on your morning show as you said he would be the first to know what the weather was doing LOL. The reason I am writing is… that we will be joining you again on Breeze in July and I have a dreaded dress code question. My husband likes to wear dress shorts and a nice golf or polo shirt for dinner and I thought this was acceptable. But now I am told by someone that this is not allowed. Please can you help confirm as packing is this gal’s nightmare and I want to make sure I pack the right things. We dress up on formal night but love to stay casual on non formal night but dont want to offend anyone. Thanks John. Neil and I are very excited to see you again and we have even booked a suite this time.

John says:
Hello Taylor Esplin,

How can I forget you? What a star your husband was and I will do my best not to pick on him this time…………..but will probably fail:)

I am very excited that you are sailing and you will love the Carnival Breeze and please don’t worry about the dress shorts, they are more than fine on casual nights. I actually posted this on my Facebook page last night and the comments were mostly all to say that nobody would be offended. So, pack accordingly and I will see you both soon. I wonder how the weather will be.

Best wishes to you both

John

John Eldard asked:
John,

Just returned from the Victory cruise and my wife and I agree it was the best of our 9 cruises. The Victory crew is the best. They are happy, helpful, and extremely friendly and hard working. Everywhere we went on ship we were greeted with smiles, hellos, and use of our first names to greet us. Thank you very much for the bubbly and strawberries in our stateroom.
They were delicious.

Karl with a K recognized our name during a drawing and came over to talk to us. He also made a special effort to see how we were doing each time he saw us. He is doing a great job. A few others doing great jobs were our stateroom steward and assistant Lindon and Budi. Our room was spotless and always full of towel animals. One of the things Carnival does that they need to keep on doing are the towel animals and mints on the pillows at night.

Our Waiter and Assistant Waiter Rama and I Nyomon went the extra mile to make sure our meals were a special occasion. And the entertainment by the waiters made our cruise.
Our Bar Steward in the dining room Ediz made sure my Caffeine Free Diet Coke was sitting at the table when we got the the dining room and was such a pleasant guy to talk to.

Victory has a great crew and itinerary and many people we talked to agreed.
This was a FABULOUS cruise. Thank you for making it special with the stateroom bubbly and strawberries. We are hooked on Carnival. The Victory is our kind of ship. The new ones are too Las Vegas like and lose the ship feel. We like lots of deck space and the feel of a ship not a Las Vegas Casino.

Thanks again

John says:
Hello John Eldard,

Thanks so much for this brilliant review and I know that the Carnival Victory crew will be thrilled when they see this. She is a ship that maybe does not get the praise she deserves so a huge thank you to you for taking the time to write this. I hope we do see you again very soon and I am here if there is anything you need.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

John

Bradley Isbell asked:
Hi John,

We just arrived back from a great weekend aboard the Carnival Elation.
Excellent service as always. This was number 5 – ready for platinum status!

I just wanted to mention the show “Win” aboard the Elation. We brought several new cruisers with us this time and we sorta embarrased at how terrible “Win” was. We have been bragging on everything Carnival but this show left a lot to be desired. Just felt thrown together. We have been on the Dream, among others, and the shows have always been excellent. Not sure what happened with this one.

Otherwise – great as always!

Thanks, next stop Europe!

Bradley

John says:
Hello Bradley Isbell,

Thanks for yet another great review. Win is a show that involves an audience member and I know while most of the guests really enjoy it some do not as I discovered on the Carnival Magic and I will certainly pass on your comments to those in charge of show production. I do hope you had fun and I hope to see you in Europe.

Best wishes,

John

Alistair Pethan asked:

I have read on the cruise boards how children on your ship ares running riot and spoiling the experiencing for everyone who does not travel with children. I think Carnival should be listening to what is said about this and provide a ship that is child free or at least apply a curfew for all children. This seems to be the opinion of the majority.

John says:
Hello Alistair Pethan,

Carnival will not be moving away from our policy of encouraging families to sail with us. I do want to reiterate that while we do have some naughty children at times your description of “running riot” is a bit harsh. Most of the time the children we have onboard are well behaved and cared for by the superb children and teen programs we have across the fleet. So while I appreciate your comments please know that we will not be banning children from any of our ships and certainly don’t think a curfew is in order or would be fair to the mostly well behaved kids on the ship. We will continue to work hard as a cruise line to keep any children that are misbehaving inline and more importantly I would hope that the patents whose responsibility it is to make sure this happens will do all they can to make sure their children abide by the rules. I hope you will consider coming onboard soon for a fun for all experience and if you have a follow up please let me know.

Deb asked:
Hi John,

First, let me preface this by saying I love your blog and I am also a Cruise Critic member. I use their tools and connections to make my own cruise experiences better; therefore, I don’t read any of the junk posts that harp on you or anything else.
I’m a firm believer in whatever you get out of an experience depends on what you put into it. Now, to my real point… I have seen several people post questions on your blog about the differences between the way Carnival treats CC members and the way other lines treat them. I have to tell you, I just read a review on CC that exemplfies just how Carnival is losing CC members.

Here’s a link to the post: http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1542521

I know that Carnival excels in other areas (Chef’s Table is exquisite), but reviews like this will make CC readers think twice about booking Carnival over NCL. Anyhow, thought you’d be interested. Cheers. D.

John says:
Hello Deb,

Normally, I don’t respond to posts with links from Cruise Critic but I felt it important to do so this time as this subject keeps cropping up. While I truly appreciate the kind words I can only reiterate what I have said before and that is we at Carnival do not offer the refreshments and drinks etc that the link you gave me talks about. I know that Cruise Critic is a great resource for those who love cruises but we don’t feel that we need to offer anything else short of a lounge for the individual people who have booked to meet. I will happily arrange these meet and greets but the company policy is at that we don’t offer anything else besides that. I know that when time allows the Cruise Director will stop by as well.

Thanks for all the kind words and if you have a follow up to this please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Sandy Dimitrov asked:
Hey John,

First thank you for taking the time to read this. My friend Deidre Hall is an actress on a daytime soap opera. Her friend Lynne is also well known to many. They both have written 2 books and are working on a third. my questions are. How could they go about having a book signing event aboard one of the ships out of Long Beach? They may also want to have a private PJ Party one of the nights onboard. Would they be able to have a private area for that? Lastly, they are well known to many and would they be able to have some privacy away from fans and other pax? Do they still have the VIP Suites on the ships? okay…I told them I would make the inquiries for them and let them know. Is there any way to find out pricing? or if it should be a group event/cruise? I remember a couple fan events on the ships before but, didn’t know how they worked. Any help would be much appreciated. thank you for your time. Hope to hear back soon.

John says:
Hello Sandy Dimitrov,

Thank you for getting in touch and I am sure we can help you. I am going to get a colleague to contact you so that we can sort some things out for you and arrange a special cruise for your friends. They will discuss pricing and a lot more with you and then if you need anything else I am here to help you. By the way, my wife loves The Bold and the Desperate. We will work this out for you and hope to see you all on board

Best wishes,

John

Chyrie Barbery Moore asked:

Thank you so much for tracking down my walker. I called the UPS store where the walker is….They tell me I have to pay shipping. I am so sorry, but the porters/workers put the walker on the wrong shuttle and we were not able to find it at the parking area. I feel the company that holds the contracts for the porters should be responsible for this. I was reminded by Sharon at Carnival Guest Care that it was MY responsiblity to see that we had all of property. We tried to find the walker to no avail and thought it had been stolen, but as I was trying to get a report from the port authority, one of the workers said they had seen it in storage. But then, no one, (and I made 31 calls) would return my calls. You kindly helped me locate it. I just don’t understand why we are required to pay the shipping.

Also, and I know you have no control over this, but you can pass it on to the beards….the porter and those workers loading the shuttes at Charleston were extremely rude. On more than one occasion while on my scooter, one of the porters pushed or bumped into my scooter without stopping to apologize or to see if I was okay. Once again, John, thank you for all you have done….if you remember, I am the Santa lady who gave out candy and gifts and it is not my nature to complain. This situation is just frustrating.

Thanks again!!

John says:
Hello Chyrie Barbery Moore,

I was glad to be able to help you find your walker and let me see what I can do re getting it returned to you without charge and I will work on this today. Please leave this with me and I will pass on your comments to the beards as you requested as we don’t accept any kind of rudeness to our guests either on board or in the terminal area.

Best wishes,

John

Traci Candaloni asked:

We sailed on the crossing cruise back to America on Magic and had a good time. What spoiled it for us was the other passengers most who were miserable complainers who made it hell for the crew and spoiled it for my husband and me. My question is that we are considering booking the crossing on the Breeze but we are worried that a similar type of experience will be waiting for us. Are people who book the crossing always so rude and miserable. I hope not as we really want to book this and the last 12 day as well.

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Traci Candaloni,

Thanks for the post and I hope you do book as I intend to be there with you. There is no doubt that the 16 day cruise is a challenge and experience shows that during the 6 days at sea that some do get a bit ummmm……….grumpy. It’s our job onboard therefore to do our best to make sure that they have fun and never get the chance to complain about anything. I will certainly do my best to make sure that this happens and I truly hope that you are there with me.

Best wishes,

John

Victoria Sierra asked:
Hi John!!!

OMG how much fun we have had with you over the years, since then my dad has passed and my mom has Alzheimers:( …she cant cruise anymore so we live through her:) We are booking with Carnival again…they really are the best tried them all and come home to Carnival every time:) We really want to know what ship are you sailing now…that is if you havent got toooo big for ur britches…hahaha..u never know:) But if you are we would be soooo thrilled to see you again!!! You make the cruise!

John says:
Hello Victoria Sierra,

Thanks so much, I am humbled by those words and most importantly I send my deepest sympathies to you and the family at the passing of your Father and my best wishes to Mum as well. My “britches” are held up with a strong pair of suspenders and I still love being a Cruise Director and I hope that one day we will see each other again.

Best wishes

John

That’s all for today and thanks for all the comments.

As I mentioned on Monday’s blog I will be posting the bios and photos of all our Cruise Directors over the next few weeks as I strongly believe that they can make a difference to you cruise.

Here the is simply one of our best, the Carnival Splendor Cruise Director Mr. Todd Wittmer.

Name - Todd Wittmer

Born – Philadelphia, Pa
Raised – Annapolis, Md
Now Living – San Diego, California.

Started with CCL - In May of 1999 as a Social Host first ship was the Carnival Holiday.
Started as Cruise Director - In May of 2002. Received a full promotion in 2003.

Current ship - Carnival Splendor.

Fun Facts – I have been fortunate enough to work on 14 different Carnival Ships and 4 Start up teams.

Favorite Activity – Deck Party / Ultimate Couples Challenge
Favorite Sport – Surfing, Golf
Favorite Sports to Watch - Football, Golf
Favorite Hobbies – Reading, Movies, Food
Favorite song – Anything I can sing along to or find meaning in.
Favorite color – Light Blue.
Favorite food – Sushi, Pizza, Mexican
Best time of the day - Sunset
Favorite animal – Dog
Favorite Place – Hawaii / San Diego (Home)!

Last words – What a wonderful career Carnival has blessed me with. I have been awarded so many wonderful opportunities, close friends and priceless memories. This will be the ultimate chapter in my life and one that will always push me to continue to strive for my dreams. They do come true.

Thanks Todd and I know you have many fans who love to cruise with you and you should be very proud of the wonderful fun you have provided over the years and long may that continue.

So we have a library on the Carnival Breeze like all our ships do yet this one will be different, more on that in a moment. When I was a kid I used to love the library. It would supply me with my fix of at least a couple of a books a week which my Mum and Dad could not afford to buy. My local library was used by all sorts of people to read the newspapers, borrow books, study and in my case, have a crafty look at Lady Chatterley’s Lover page 77, yes, I still remember that page very well!

These days ship libraries are still popular despite the rise of the Kindle thingy. Indeed, Cunard ships have thousands of books on their shelves while on the Carnival Breeze we will have around 500. Now one of the things we have tried recently on the Carnival Dream was rather than have opening hours for the books we had an open door policy. This meant that we would have the books open for lending without a sign out policy and we implemented this hoping that guests would be honest and return the books. This I am afraid didn’t happen and in the first month we did this we lost over 200 books which cost a lot of money to replace. Needless to say that we didn’t do that again!

But on the Carnival Breeze we want to try something different so along with quiet reading hours where a staff member will sign out the books and games we will also encourage guests to use it in the evening. This encouragement will come in the form of a self-dispensing wine machine that will offer guests a glass and then a choice of wines. If wine isnt your thing then we will have a bartender there as well in the evenings because as you will see here, we have a small bar in the library as well.

Now we won’t have music or games there but if you fancy a large leather chair to sit in and a quiet place to read or chat with friends and enjoy a glass of something special then the library will be a place to enjoy just that. And just before I am asked a hundred times, it is indeed non smoking.

The Olympics is only 3 months or so away and plans are being drawn up by the beards to make sure we broadcast all the key events in the sports bars and other locations around the vessel. I was asked recently if we would show uninterrupted coverage on the big screens on Lido but as we have movies and live music there we wont be. Yes, we will show the opening ceremony and key finals but will pick and choose what we show.

The UK is going bonkers for the Olympics but I just can’t get excited and quite honestly I am glad I will be on the Carnival Breeze. I should explain at the outset that I don’t much like athletics. Running is fine when you are late for the ship and they are pulling the gangway, or when you are seven, but the concept of running in a circle for nothing but glory seems a bit ancient to me.

Speaking of which — the javelin. In the olden days when men ate anything with four legs and Mr. Smith had not yet met Mr. Wesson, I should imagine that a chap with an ability to chuck a spear over a great distance would end up with many wives and much rumpy pumpy. But now, watching a gigantic Russian lobbing a stick is really boring. Now if they only would release a herd of Yak into the stadium and the person who speared the most wins the gold medal and dinner then I would definitely watch.

It’s the same with the hammer. When some enormous troglodyte hurls it into row F of the stadium’s upper circle, do we think he is the best hammer thrower in the world? Or the best hammer thrower among those who’ve dedicated the past four years of their lives to throwing hammers? With the best will in the world, that’s not a terribly big accolade.

No matter. The Olympic Games are like Cruise Critic. Whether you like them or not, they exist and they are popular and we will provide as much coverage as we can for our guests.
Finally today I want you to know that I made a complete “plonker” of myself yesterday and yet it’s not my fault. It was parents morning at my daughters kindergarten school and each child introduced either their Mummies or Daddies to the rest of the class. So there I was with 18 children their Mums and only one other Dad as obviously the rest of the other lucky buggers were working. Anyway, the teacher suggested we all sing Nursery Rhymes together and after twinkle twinkle little star it was time for another one. And so we all started to sing and me being a CD sang with great gusto.

“Baa, baa,black sheep, have you any wool ” I sang proudly for all to hear. Except there was a problem and that’s because everyone else, the Mummies, the kids, the teachers all sang ” Baa, baa, rainbow sheep, have you any wool ?”

Woah. Stop there. Rainbow sheep? I was the only one singing the original version and the teacher flashed me a look of disgust and indeed so did some of the Mums and the other Father did as well. Should have known he would have sang “rainbow”………….he was wearing sandals and a polo neck sweater!

How the heck was I supposed to know that we now cannot say “black sheep” in nursery rhymes? Has there been some order from God? And if so, why? In what way might singing “black sheep” cause offence? After all wasn’t he an ideal role model, polite, helpful and generous with his wool to people of all backgrounds?

So is it because we don’t want to offend people with dark skin? I wondered this and asked two colleagues, both of whom are indeed black and their return e mails both basically told me I was an idiot for even thinking that

Then why, why has he after so many years suddenly become e multi coloured? And if he is changed to a “rainbow” sheep, we can no longer be sure that he will provide three bags full of wool because the rainbow symbol means he will be too busy listening to Cher records and watching Will and Grace reruns !

I am waiting for the high visibility jacket wearing, tofu eating censors who are messing with my childhood memories to decide that Winnie the Pooh can no longer be called a bear of very little brain but a “special ” bear instead.

Now, of course, “Black Sheep” cannot be used in the UKSSR for fear of reprisals. The we must now use “rainbow sheep” but the State cannot take my memories away from me. Time to kiss Kye goodnight and sing her another nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty……….who will be fine when he falls off the wall because he was wearing padding, a helmet and knee pads. He is of course also an organic egg.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

From: MAGIC SPA MANAGER
Sent: Wednesday, February 29, 2012 10:22 AM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: Thanks

Good morning John

I want to thank you for your help promoting our bamboo massage yesterday. Your announcement helped lots of people discover this excellent treatment and they all left feeling fantastic. I would like to offer you a complimentary massage to say thank you so please give me a call when you would like to have it so you can experience this for yourself. Thanks John.

Best Regards
Mia – Spa Manager

Here is my reply:

From: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Sent: Wednesday, February 29, 2012 11:43 AM
To: MAGIC SPA MANAGER
Subject: Re: Thanks

Hello Mia

I am glad the promotion went well. I know many guests love this treatment and I will continue to encourage everyone to try it. Thanks so much for the kind offer of a massage but unfortunately my schedule is very busy at the moment and next week I am hosting Bloggers cruise 5 so I don’t think I will be able to have one. Thanks though for thinking of me.

Cheers
John

OK, that was the reply I sent. This was the reply wanted to send.

From: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Sent: Wednesday, February 29, 2012 11:43 AM
To: MAGIC SPA MANAGER
Subject: Re: Massage

Hello Mia

I am glad the promotion went well. I know many guests love this treatment and I will continue to encourage everyone to try it. Thanks so much for the offer of a massage but honestly I would rather kiss Calvyn with tongues while having my buttocks thrashed with a huge bamboo stick by H82Seaugo dressed as Zorro.

Getting naked and lying prostrate in front of a stranger who’s younger and thinner than you isn’t what I call “chillaxing.” Neither is knowing that the entire focus is on my hairy arse and my lily white floppy thighs.

And of course, during my last massage I was so tense that it caused me to release a long and resounding fart. The pretty, blonde masseuse said nothing, stepped across the room and lit a scented candle. I hoped she would tell nobody.….but the farting noises the entire crew would make every time I walked past them was evidence that the entire ship knew. Massage ……….. my arse!

Time for some Q and A — here we go

Ann MacKay Asked:
After a great 14-day drip on the Carnival Paradise Panama Canal transit, I would like to offer the following suggestions. It would be helpful to have a foot stool to make the giant step up the bus. When the bus is parked at a curb, the step is okay but when not, many of us older folks have difficulty with that first step. Another item is the poor lighting in the Internet Cafe. The keyboards are black and there were only a few of the computers on the outside section that have some light. I did have my own iPad but needed to use the Internet Cafe when there were problems with the connection for non-Window devices.  The majority of users were older and our aging eyes do not do as well with contrast. Ask an older staffer to sit at the interior computers and see if they can type accurately in the dark.

John Says:
Hello Ann MacKay

I am very glad to know you had such a great cruise and I agree, our tour operators should be offering these steps without question. Most of them do but obviously some ports are not thinking of this and I have sent your comments to the right people so that this is not repeated. As for the Internet Cafe, I certainly see your point regarding this and I will send this to the proper beards. Thanks again for these two great points and I hope we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.
John

Ted Palmby Asked:
John,

I’m reading on the forums that Carnival is doing away with the turn down service starting with the Carnival Breeze and then on all the ships. Say goodbye to many Mr Heald.

John Says:
Hello Ted Palmby

You will be happy to know that this is true in the same way that Judge Judy and I will be in the next season of Dancing with the Stars performing our naked tango. In other words, it’s not true.

Best wishes.
John

Vera Hanson Asked:
John I hope you will get this email. I have written before but have no idea how long it takes for you to answer them. I still want to find what port is the easiest to go out of for a cruise.  I had heard Fort Lauderdale. My husband and I want to go on another cruise and he now uses a walker all the time and is it possible to get him a wheelchair just to cruise him around the ship.  It would be much easier for me and much quicker for him.  Also I want you to know how much I enjoy your blog and catching up on Facebook.  My sis-in-law Renie (Irene) was from England and there are so many words you say that remind me of her.  When I was a little girl half the time I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was always interesting.

John Says:
Hello Vera Hanson

If I am not mistaken I think I just replied to you on my Facebook page and I am sorry it’s taken so long to get to you here on the blog. Obviously the answer to your question depends on where you are living and how easy it is to get to the port. Fort Lauderdale is an excellent homeport but please remember that we can offer assistance with wheel chair transportation onto the ship in all our home ports. Have a think about which one you think is best for you and of course let me know so I can help with any arrangements you may need. I enjoyed reading about your sister in law — we do speak funny, don’t we?

Best wishes to you and your husband.
John

Jordan Lacelle Asked:
My friends told me I should complain to you because we were on the Carnival Elation 1/14 when during the Patriots vs. Broncos game the ******* ship lost the TV coverage and we missed most of the second half. No apology or explanation was given and there were hundreds of angry people. We only booked this cruise because Carnival promised us that we would get the game and they broke that promise so what are you going to do for us?

John Says:
Hello Jordan Lacelle

I am very sorry that the game was lost. We receive our signals via satellite and sometimes there are circumstances where we lose the signal. I am surprised that no apology was made so please allow me to apologise now for the disappointment. I hope that despite this you had fun and that we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.
John

Andrea Asked:
Dear John:

My husband and I just returned from the most wonderful cruise on the Carnival Liberty and I can see why you chose Amy 6 foot 3 as your assistant as she was a delight. I was disappointed not to get a comment card again so please can you tell your beards that Putu and his assistant Gregor were the best cabin stewards we have had in all our 12 cruises and that the dining room servers Elizabeta and Xu were also top quality. My favourites though were the couple who served at the Alchemy Bar. Being in my 70′s, I forget things including their names but their charm and grace were wonderful and they helped me discover my love of martinis all over again. It was a wonderful cruise made even better by the table for 2 you arranged for Jack and I to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

Andrea and Jack

John Says:
Hello Andrea and Jack

What a wonderful review and I am so glad that on this brilliant celebration of your 50 years together that you had such a wonderful time. It was an honour for us to have you spend this time with us at Carnival and I am so proud of the crew you mentioned who made it so special. I will be making sure that they see this and they will be thrilled. I hope we see you both again and if there is anything I can do, please let me know and I loved that you discovered martinis again ……. that’s simply brilliant.

Best wishes to you both.
John

Victor Maluda Asked:
I will be sailing with the Born Again group of 48 from Keene Texas on the Carnival Magic on 4/22 and we are asking if our bible studies and prayer mornings and church services can be placed in your program and announced each morning on the public address system by our Minister who will invite all your passengers. I was told by our travel agent that I need to get this approved through you.

John Says:
Hello Victor Maluda

Please may I ask that your travel agent contact our head office in Miami and they will approve if these can be open sessions and advertised in our Fun Times. I can though tell you that unfortunately I can’t allow anyone to use the public address system but if approved by the office I can mention your services. Please as I said have your travel agent contact Carnival and let’s see what we can do.

Best wishes to you all.
John

John Grocki Asked:
Hey John,

I saw on yesterday’s blog someone wrote to you about Carnival being a good cruise line for the LGBT (Gay & Lesbian) community. I have been on five cruises and we have always had so much fun. On 2/5/12 I am traveling with 12 Friends of Dorothy, we are so happy to be cruising on the Carnival Magic. Each of us read your blog daily then send texts to each other saying can you believe what John said today LOL! I’m trying to convince my friends to wear John Heald t-shirts when we first board the ship.

John Says:
Hello John Grocki

That is so kind, mate, and yes, each of our ships is proud to host Friends of Dorothy meetings and get-togethers each day of the cruise. I hope you continue to read the blog and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.
John

Hank Samuelsson Asked:
Why are those stupid pieces of glass on the buffets on the Carnival Dream? I couldn’t reach but half the food because of this stupid design.

Hank Samuelsson

John Says:
Hello Hank Samuelsson

I am sorry that this wasn’t explained to you on the ship because these are required by United States Public Health and are part of our fleetwide food handling and serving procedures. I hope that explains why they are there and I hope you had a fun cruise.

Best wishes.
John

And that’s all for today.

Let’s take a break and meet the crew members here on the Carnival Magic who have been voted Employees of the Month.

Congratulations to them all.

So next week I have 518 bloggers sailing with me. It’s going to be a busy cruise so I will have little time to blog but, of course, I will have regular updates and will be answering questions as normal each day on Facebook and I really wish you were here with me.

I came back to the Carnival Magic determined not to change things because, after all, I am only a CD here for what now with me heading to Miami on the 11th turns out to be two weeks. Cruise directors love changing things even though we always say we won’t because let’s face it we all think we can do it better than the cruise director before us. It is just the nature of the beast. However, James Charlton has done a great job here and there was little to be changed but something has been bugging me these past few days. You see, now that we are 40 years old this month I started to think that I wanted to bring some of the old activities back. Now there are two problems here. First of all I would truly love to bring back pillow fighting and other Lido games that for many years were iconic to Carnival. So what are the two problems?

Well the first is that for years Carnival battled an image that suggested our ships were akin to spring break and not a place for kids and families. That was never the case, it really wasn’t. Yes the on-board environment was certainly different than what it is today; it was never anything like people who liked a huge X on their smokestack and a spot of wall climbing before breakfast thought. Now Carnival has a well-deserved image about affordable fun and brilliant service but would it be wrong to bring back some of the old favourites? Is there a place for pillow fighting and the male nightgown competition and the Latvian Wet T-Shirt contest? OK, we never had the last one, that’s just me entering the realms of my personal fantasy but it’s a question worth asking.

But there is another problem as well…

You see, while we weren’t looking, a coup has taken over places like schools, government, television, the police, the military and indeed most every part of our lives. Yes, it’s not the head teacher or the general or who’s in charge any more…… nope ……. it’s the man…..or woman …….with a clipboard …….. wearing sensible shoes and a high visibility jacket

So there is bugger all point in me even asking to bring back pillow fighting to a beard in the office because if I do, the shutters will came down and with klaxons blaring, special forces will storm my cabin and I will be arrested and thrown in jail .

I have tried before. It was a couple of years ago when I tried to explain to the clipboard brigade that we did pillow fighting for years and tried to explain how much fun it was.  I then said that we could buy some big thick mats and use light fluffy pillows for guests to hit each other with but it was to bugger all avail.

In the old days before e-mail and direct phone lines to the office where if you wanted to try something new that you truly thought would work….…you did it……it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission. These days, you have to fill in a compliance form which makes sure that you’re complying with our on-board policies. The trouble is that by the time you’ve done this you have forgotten what your idea was in the first place. And I guess it’s not their fault. That’s because we live in a world in which people will sue for just about anything. I guess I just don’t understand how in the 1990s we did pillow fighting and the belly flop contest and the male nightgown contest …….. And today we can’t.

Maybe pillow fighting isn’t part of today’s Carnival and these kinds of activities are not going to work or create the right environment on board. But I can’t help but remember the sounds of laughter that used to echo across the Lido Deck as two honeymooners would beat the crap out of each other with a pillow or the sound of that laughter increasing as the rather large woman tried to get on the pole and falls off on top of the host.  We still have wonderful fun on Lido and look now at the ropes course here on Carnival Magic. We have people dangling on a rope 20 feet above the deck……surely being hit on the head with a few duck feathers wouldn’t hurt………….would it?

Talking of new activities, the other day on Facebook I was asked why we don’t have dive instructors on the ships like other cruise lines. It’s a good question and one I shall be asking the beards although I think it would probably involve insurance concerns and telling everyone to get out of the pool so the lessons could start. I’ve always hated the thought about diving. To me, it’s up there with parachute jumping, surfing or naked bungee jumping. Now the sensible part of you really doesn’t want to, but the dangerous bit of you would like to see what it is like. It seems to be the law that cruise ship crew all want to learn how to dive. All my friends I have made over the years have and the youngsters that make up the crew of today seem to be carrying on that tradition…….but not me. I remember when my friend and now cruise consultant Roger Blum worked on the ships as a hotel director he always went diving every single chance he could get. But not me. I don’t have time now obviously as sitting here this Friday in my underpants proves but also I just don’t get the whole idea of how this is fun. It involves being underwater, where years of evolution have decided that human beings are not supposed to be, so I have for the most part been an “above the surface” kind of bloke. And besides — fat things sink…..quickly.

Many of you diving people will think that I am a bit of a wimp but that’s not true because I’ve seen Finding Nemo and because back when I was slightly less sinkable I did try a starter scuba course in Cozumel and I hated every sodding minute of it. I remember it began in a pool. The problem was that I’m not even a particularly strong swimmer, so why I agreed to do this, I have no idea….I think it was because of a spa girl called Sarah that I fancied and she was going and she had two huge personal flotation devices that I wanted to place my head between. Anyway, my swimming style is not exactly graceful and while I desperately try and keep the water off my face the rest of me is thrashing around like someone has just thrown a television in there.

In short, I naturally take to water like Calvyn takes to cage fighting, yet there I was, a young 24-year-old CD, surrounded by Mexican men with a ses packo, loads of strange looking diving thingies and Sarah’s humongous flotation devices.

I remember the first thing he made us all do was float unaided for 10 minutes and while we were doing this a rubber shark drifted by. This is apparently diving humour. Then they gave us a big book to study, which is full of important information about how not to die, then you undertake a series of dives in a pool to get you used to being underwater and the rubber shark. Then there’s an exam, to prove you’ve learned the theory of how not to die, and then we were off for the open water part of the excursion, where the sharks are no longer rubber and the pool is 4,000 miles long and 21,770 feet deep — or the “ocean,” as this big pool is often called.

On the boat they showed me how to kit up by attaching twisty thingies to tubey thingies. I looked around me and many of my colleagues and the passengers from Sensation had dive watches and their own snorkel, mask and fins. All I had was a mild case of the s***s.

I remember trying to play for time by adjusting my metal thingies and twisty thingies over and over again while as I minced around, my mates all jumped off the back of the boat into the water and disappeared. Then I jump in with Sarah and panic set in.

“What are you DOING?” I thought to myself. “You’re underwater! Get out! Get OUT! Get back upstairs immediately.” I tried to grab Sarah’s flotation devices but all that got me was a fin in the bollocks as she dove into the depths. The instructors had dropped a rope line from the boat which I clung onto as though my life depended on it, which, frankly, in my mind, it bloody well did. The instructor meanwhile is shouting at me in Mexicaglish “Put your masko backo ono and clearo it of watero using your noseo youo fatto bastardo.”

I then got confused even more…….was I supposed to take the breathey thing out of my mouth and then put it and what do I do now and is that a shark and I don’t want to die and those bubbles are not from my respirator they are from my arse.

The problem is you can’t speak with a mask on so all divers communicate by hand signals and as I thrashed around in the water I looked like I was trying to play a demented game of charades. Then the instructor started to point to my nose and then my ears and I remembered the lesson by the pool about doing something called “equalizing my ears”…. because, if you forget to do that, then the pressure makes your ears hurt even more than if you were listening to 24 hours of rap music.

I had dreamed of swimming graciously through jaw dropping multi-coloured shoals of fish and discovering Long Dong Silver’s lost treasure. But I hated it. I would rather dip my gentlemen’s sausage in a tank full of piranha than ever go diving again. My eyes were stinging, my breathing sounded like Calvyn’s when he watches anything with George Clooney in it, my ears ached and I had ruined a pair of underpants and left a brown trail in the Caribbean that probably would have pissed off the environmentalists if they had been invented back then.  And I did it all…………  for breasts!

Goodnight

Your friend
John

Having been through the wonders and the utter terror of child birth, I do understand that it’s painful but come on, ladies, pink eye is no walk in the park either. In the UK the whole birthing process is handled by a midwife and her assistant. There is no doctor unless you have complications. The midwives are mostly middle aged or older ladies and look like Mrs. Doubtfire except that this being the UK they have a Polish accent rather than a Scottish one. I was a bit taken aback by this. I wanted machines that go ping and doctors cloaked and masked and ready to get my baby here now.

I do remember Heidi being in a bit of pain and that she was making loud grunting noises like one of those Russian tennis players Anna Getyourknickersov or something like that. Then as the contractions grew, her moans became howls. Was my wife turning into a werewolf? Kye was born in a strange position which Heidi did, if I remember rightly, blame me for. Her head was facing up instead of down or down instead of up……I can’t remember which. I had my back firmly to the show and as much as I wanted to help Heidi through the pain, I was going to be no bloody good having a quick look downstairs and immediately fainting. I don’t remember much except I really did try to help, honest. I said “Breathe …. in … out …….in……out.” And my normally non-swearing placid partner replied…..”I know how to f*****g breathe, you wanker.”

So from that day on every time I am ill, Heidi tells me it’s nothing how only she knows real pain after she pushed a seven-pound turkey through a mouse hole and my reply that I am surprised I am able to have rumpy pumpy with after witnessing childbirth……. Never strengthens my case.

Men, listen to Uncle John here. Your wife will tell you she wants you in the birthing room for your support and because she wants you to hold her hand and to be there to witness the birth of what will be the most important thing in your life. That’s not the reason, oh no. She wants you there so she can milk it forever and ever, especially when you’re complaining about having a cold. Heidi said men will never understand the pain of child birth. Well, obviously, she has never been kicked in the bollocks, has she chaps?!

Time for some Q and A….off we go

Kathryn Hall Allahyari asked:

Who will be the CD on the April 1, 2012 cruise of the Carnival Splendor? We are taking our three children, their spouses and our eight grandchildren on a cruise for our 50 wedding anniversary, and I would like to do something special for my husband – can you suggest anything really romantic????

John says:
Hello Kathryn Hall Allahyari

Your CD will be the wonderful Todd Wittmer who is one of our most experienced and finest cruise directors. As for romantic, well I would suggest that one night you leave the family and grandkids and just you and your husband go to the steakhouse and have a private meal for two. The food is exquisite and the atmosphere will complement your romantic night perfectly. You can book this through my blog and the ship will then send an email confirmation. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Odent asked:

You know what makes me LOL? You, Mr. Heald. You pretend to be the friend of the people who read your blog and read your Facebook but be honest the day you leave Carnival you won’t care if they live or die. I am not going to blow smoke up your ass either to get some pathetic free gift but will come right to the point. Will you show March Madness basketball on the Carnival Liberty’s giant screen?

John says:
Hello Dennis Odent

While it is hard to remember all the thousands of people who cruise with me I do consider many of them friends and if Carnival suddenly decided that they needed a newer, slimmer, funnier CD and brand ambassador then I hope that my friendship with everyone would continue, it certainly would from my side regardless of how cynical you may feel. Anyway, let’s see, ahhh, yes, now that my arse (spelt correctly) is smoke free I will say that the some of the games will be played on board on the Seaside Theatre and some in the EA Sports bar. Have a brilliant cruise and I hope we can become friends one day.

Best wishes.

John

Helen De Veer asked:

There is an obvious short fall when it comes to Carnival and their brand ambassador caring about vegans. We cruised on the Eclipse and enjoyed Seitan main courses (Seitan, pronounced say-tahn, is a wheat-based Asian meat substitute), tomato pomodoro, tofu medallion piccata and many more exotic dishes. On Carnival there was very little that didn’t involve chick peas and it wasn’t for the vegetarian Indian dish in the dining hall then we would have starved. You may mock Mr. Heald but maybe a look in a full length mirror will show you that your perception needs to change and that Carnival needs to have two or three main courses for vegans each night at dinner.

John says:
Hello Helen de Veer

Thanks for the email but I thought I have always heard good things from vegetablists who cruise with us, especially about the dinner options including the Indian dish you mentioned. I do hope that you found some nice options and I will be sending your comments to our executive chef so that he can see what you would wish to see as enjoyed on the Celebrity ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the encouragement to change my diet.

Best wishes.

John

John Coren asked:
John –

Is it possible to request a specific waitress when you have any time dining? We were on Carnival Magic at Christmas and had a lovely lady from Romania called Allina (sp?) and she served us the last three nights. I have read since that if you like a waiter then you can ask for them when you enter the dining room. Is this true?

Thanks

John says:
Hello John Coren

Yes indeed it is true however I should mention that it’s not always possible because his or her section may be full. But if you time it right or you are prepared to wait until there is space then yes you can indeed. I hope this helps you and please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes.

John

Wendy and Richard George asked:
Hi John,

After sailing on Splendor (with Heidi and you as cruise director) and Carnival Spirit, we are absolutely delighted to know that the powers that be at Carnival are sending Spirit Down under. We are sailing on her first voyage out of Honolulu to Sydney next September and would love to know if you will be here for the arrival of the first Whale Tail into Sydney Harbor. It will be worth it. Bring Heidi and Kye too (No big crocs, dingoes or bird eating spiders here, they are all up north).

Regards,

Wendy and Richard George

John says:
Hello Wendy and Richard George

Thanks so much for those kind words and it’s great to hear from you both. I have seen the welcome that Sydney gives Cunard ships and it would be nice to think that we would get a similar welcome from our Aussie friends. I am looking at the possibilities of being there but we shall have to see what my schedule allows for. It certainly will be a memorable moment and one it would be great to share with you both. Thanks for writing and I hope to see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hello John,

It was nice to meet you on the inaugural cruise from Galveston on the Carnival Magic. I’m glad the mad waiter didn’t hit you with a stick. Please help me with an issue. This was our eighth Carnival cruise, and my daughter and son in law’s first, as they are big time RC cruisers. I did an on boardbooking the first day for 4/14/2013. This will make us platinum (finally) after we sail on the Carnival Triumph next October. So I convinced my daughter that Carnival is great, and to keep sailing with us. She made her booking for the same cruise the last evening. John, it was pure chaos. The poor loyalty rep had no help and the people were lined up in droves to pick up certificates, etc. It took us two hours to book her cruise, and my major complaint is that after several messages to Carnival, with no resolve, they have yet to add the $100 promotional credit to her billing when she logs in to Carnival. I am trying my best to convince them that Carnival will furnish some great cruises as they have for me. They are Wendi and Randy Baldwin and are booked on the Carnival Triumph 11/14/2011 Can you get this simple request done? One other issue is that a lot of folks would love to see Progresso removed from the cruise ports, as the water is no better than Galveston, and you can go to the ruins from any Mexico stop. If I had it my way, I would make the five-day sailings Cozumel and Costa Maya, or Calica, where we went some years ago on the Celebration. The beach there is gorgeous. It was not so bad that the Carnival Magic missed Costa Maya for us, as we are fairly seasoned, but we heard many complaints on the ship about it. I thank you for your assistance, and hope to see you again. Thank you for the wonderful cruises Carnival has taken us on.

John Vanecek

John says:
Hello John Vanecek

I am thinking that as I am so far behind in my blog questions that this has been resolved but just to make sure I have just sent off a note to my colleagues who will make sure that is the case. I am very sorry you had to go through so much trouble and we will do better with this in the future I am positive John. I will also pass on your thoughts re: Calica. Thanks again and please drop me a line if you can on my Facebook page a week before you sail and include your cabin number.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sandy W asked:
Hey John,

Need your help getting me and my wife a table for two at dinner. We are Mennonites and deeply religious and mealtimes are a sacrament for us. We are on the 3/1 cruise on Carnival Paradise cabin M101.

Thank you

John says:
Hello Sandy W

I am very thankful that I saw this in time as I see you are sailing next week. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to assist you with this and I wish you a wonderful time.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Susan Horn asked:
Hi John;

I was wondering if you could tell me when formal nights for the April 13, 2012 Carnival Spirit to Hawaii are. I heard they were both on the way to Hawaii and was wondering why they wouldn’t do one each way?? Also really looking forward to seeing the new Carnival Spirit after her facelift.

Thanks for any info.

Sue Horn

John says:
Hello Susan Horn

The ship looks great and I hope you have seen Mr Radu’s photos recently here and on Facebook. Let’s have a look at this brilliant voyage, shall we?

• Fri, Apr, 13 San Diego dep @ 4pm
• Sat, Apr, 14 at sea
• Sun, Apr, 15 at sea ELEGANT
• Mon, Apr, 16 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 17 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 18 Hilo 10am-7pm
• Thu, Apr, 19 Kahului 8am-11pm
• Fri, Apr, 20 Honolulu 9am-11pm
• Sat, Apr, 21 Kona 8am-5pm
• Sun, Apr, 22 Nawiliwili 7am-4pm
• Mon, Apr, 23 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 24 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 25 at sea ELEGANT
• Thu, Apr, 26 at sea
• Fri, Apr, 27 Ensenada

I have marked the elegant nights for you and as you can see you have one each side of the ports. I hope this helps and I wish you a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Gwen Smith asked:
John,

First let me say what isn’t said enough on this blog – THANK YOU!! I had posted a message to you on Facebook and you delivered, as promised! My parents really enjoyed the goodies you sent them. I promised I would send you a little review of our recent trip on the Liberty. It was the first trip with our children, ages 10 and nine. They are now hooked on cruising and can’t wait to go again! We just had the best time! Butch was fabulous as our cruise director. We listened to the morning show that he and Amy put on and my son actually won a teddy bear from Fun Ship Freddy. Let me tell you, nothing starts a nine-year-old’s day off right like having Freddy personally deliver a bear to your room!

I was worried that my son, who is a picky eater, would have trouble with the food on the cruise. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He loved the pizza and our waiters in the Silver Dining room spoiled him to death. They did everything they could; including tracking down my parents anniversary cake, to make sure that our experience was amazing. There were plenty of activities for everyone to do. I was glad I brought some post-its as that was the only way we knew where everyone was on the sea days. My parents had a great trip, a trip of a lifetime they said. However, that can’t be right, because they are looking to go again in February! We did have one small issue, and that was with our service staff at Harry’s steakhouse. We didn’t feel like we were as taken care of in regards to drinks. There were a couple of times during the meal that drinks were empty, even after a request had been made for a refill. This was a very small thing and in NO way ruined our cruise or will stop us from eating at the steakhouse again. There were no complaints from any of the six of us about the quality of the food. We left stuffed!

Finally, I have to let you know how hard our room steward, Jay, worked. We had four people in an ocean view room, so it was cluttered, by our own doings. My son also got sick one night. We had to call housekeeping at midnight for a fresh change of sheets. They were there in no time and happily took care of everything. Jay came in the next morning, freshened everything up, gave our son a new mattress and made our room good as new again! He was always leaving the kids’ bears in cute places and just couldn’t have been better. Sorry for making this so long, but please pass on our thanks to everyone for making this an excellent cruise and thank you again for all you do!

Gwen

John says:
Hello Gwen Smith

There is no need to apologise for the length of this review as it was just perfect and a joy to read. Before I forget, the post it notes was a brilliant idea, well done. I shall be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled, I promise. I shall also make sure they the see note about the drink service in the steakhouse which sounds like we need to improve on and we will. Thanks again and thank you for the kind words at the start of your post. I hope we see you again very, very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Stephanie Oliveira asked:

We will be taking our daughter on a cruise on the Carnival Magic on March 11, 2012. So excited. She will be eight then but will turn nine in August and I would like to do a Carnival theme party. I will need Carnival balloons, and T-shirts, and some of those famous trophies enough for 30 of her friends. It would be a great promo for Carnival as well. Can you provide these and have them delivered to cabin 1377 on our cruise?

John says:
Hello Stephanie Oliveira

Unfortunately we don’t have party supplies available for this but it is a great idea I must admit. I will send your daughter something on the cruise which is just two weeks away now and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

So off we go on a new cruise and let’s see who is sailing with us and where we are going.

TOTAL GUESTS 4,143
TOTAL GUESTS UNDER 21 483

Non US 81 Canadians; 19 Mexico

I will tell you one thing, Carnival Magic guests love with unbridled passion our karaoke parties and I could have Lady Ga Ga supported by a naked Garth Brooks appearing at the Ocean Plaza and Ron Pass and Elton John on dueling pianos in the piano bar, but it would be karaoke that would be the busiest. There is no doubt that karaoke continues to be one of the most popular activities on our ships. Every day our guests come on stage and do horrible things to Adele, Mariah Carey and that awful Summer Nights song from Grease.

I cannot go into the karaoke lounges on the ship because people see me and try to get me to sing and honestly, I would rather have “I Love H82Seaugo” tattooed on my buttocks than sing a karaoke song. I bet though that next week on BC5 I won’t have a choice when we hold our private Superstar Live event which is of course even worse as its live karaoke with the band. Oh, bugger!

People think I don’t like karaoke because I don’t like music. On the contrary, I don’t like karaoke because I’m a music lover. Granted, there are some people who are genuinely talented but being subjected to a chap who has been enjoying the company of Jack Daniels all night singing some drunken version of Grooves Like Jagger is not my idea of a good night out.

I’ve concluded that karaoke singers collude with each other, ignoring how horrible their mates sound because they fear with good reason that they sound as bad. Me, I know it sounds horrible when I sing, I know that dogs will be howling back in Galveston and I know that my voice sounds as flat as Kate Moss’s chest. I make people vomit when I sing………so I don’t. Yes, occasionally you get some great singers and yet ask the guests and they will tell you that for some rather bizarre reason that they enjoy listening to the bad singers as much as the good ones.

Last night I went to check up on our Karaoke Host Melvin who, by the way, I promoted from photographer to now one of the best karaoke hosts in the fleet. Sure enough, the moment I walked in, I was spotted and guests started to chant my name and one tried to thrust the microphone at me. Making a break for it involved running the gauntlet through overexcited, slightly intoxicated women grabbing at me from every direction…..it was like a zombie movie.

However, now and then, as I said, you do get someone who is simply brilliant and the Musical Director Alan had seen this young man perform at karaoke and so we had to put him in the talent show last cruise. Here then is Ben, age 11, singing Adele’s Rolling In The Deep.

Now there is a young man who has a great voice, a sparkling personality and is going to ruin it all by becoming a cruise director. Still……better than becoming a lawyer.

As some of you know late Saturday night we had a man overboard incident.

Here is what happened as reported on my Facebook page yesterday: It was 10:25 p.m. Elvis was in the building and looked magnificent. He was thin Elvis and I was the fat emcee. There were 1,000 people in the audience and just as I was preparing to go on stage and introduce The King of Rock and Roll, the PA system suddenly shouted, “Bravo Bravo, Port Side,” which all of us crew know is the coded wording for “Man Overboard.” Oh, by the way, I am sure that someone wearing sandals and who will be eating tofu on toast for breakfast will tell me I should say, “Person Overboard” in these PC times, but it’s 6:45am and I have had just four hours sleep so bugger that.

I handed the microphone to my assistant Hennie who was backstage with me and ran to the elevator and luckily it was on the way up which is a good thing because by the time my fat arse had made it up the stairs from deck 3 to the bridge on deck 8, the guests would have heard nothing on the PA system except my labored heaving breathing and not even my wife likes that.

So on the bridge; the well-practiced rescue procedures for man overboard were underway. Details were sketchy and as the brilliant Captain Cutugno began to turn the vessel to head back to where the reported incident had taken place, I knew I had to let the guests know what was happening. The “Bravo Bravo” call had been made through the emergency system so they knew something was happening and I have always felt that information is king…….OK, Elvis is The King but the guests needed to know what was happening. And so I told them what I knew. “Ladies and gentlemen, the announcement you have just heard is that we have a reported man overboard. The captain and crew are now doing what they need to do in order to search and let us hopefully rescue this person. I promise to keep you informed.”

The next 15 minutes were very tense on the bridge as the captain turned this leviathan of a ship as quickly and as safely as he could back to where the man had reportedly gone overboard. While he did that I called the U.S. Coast Guard on my cell phone. This obviously was under the instructions of the captain who asked me to keep them informed. And I did and I want to thank the brilliantly professional petty officer who helped me as I gave our position and details. She informed me that a helicopter would be scrambled immediately to our position.

As the ship finished her turn I think all of us expected the worst because those of us who have been in this position before all knew that it was very rare that these events ever had a happy ending. However, suddenly the huge spotlights that we were using to search the still choppy waters suddenly showed a blinking light in the distance….hold on……..there were two blinking lights. We knew that one of the crew members who had seen this person go into the water had thrown a life ring in and that it would have an emergency beacon but the second light, what was that? I was then told that the person who had gone into the water was allegedly wearing a lifejacket which we all know also has a light on it designed to attract attention in the water and it was doing exactly that.

We were too far still to see if there was a person inside the lifejacket and even with the bridge officer’s powerful binoculars, we just couldn’t tell. The captain gave a precise course and speed and we headed toward the lights. At the same time Captain Cutugno gave the order to lower the portside rescue boat, just above the water level and ready to be deployed.

I made announcement number two explaining to the guests what was happening. What we knew they knew. During all of this, Elvis continued singing and even though half his audience had chosen to watch the rescue rather than listen to his great music and watch his pelvis gyrate, the show went on.

At 10:52 pm the captain ordered the rescue boat into the water and Officer Diego and his crew raced toward the lights. At this point the ship had come to a stop around 300 meters from the lights and remained stopped, the captain using the powerful thrusters to keep us in position. Now all we could do was wait for the rescue boat team to tell us what they found.

There were probably 400 guests or so lining the Deck 5 Lanai and hundreds more on their balconies all looking at what was happening, some looking for that YouTube moment no doubt such is the world we live in.

And we waited.

And then through the static of the radio we heard these words, “We see one person; I repeat we see one person, we will rescue from the water.”

And we waited.

“We have rescued one from the water, one from the water, he is alive, repeat he is alive.”

There was no time to jump for joy, not yet anyway. The captain ordered the rescue boat to return to the ship and for the starboard side shell doors to be opened and the automatic stairs to be lowered to accept the return of the boat and to bring the person back on board as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile, I told the guests and then I phoned my new best friend at the Coast Guard and told her the great news. She canceled the helicopter and shared her good wishes to the captain and crew. Meanwhile the person was brought to the ship and taken immediately to the medical center where he spent the night in the excellent care of our doctors and nurses. I thanked the guests and wished them a good night.

And that was that. I can’t speculate why this crewmember jumped overboard wearing a life jacket but thanks to the brilliant work of the captain and crew last night and that little light on his life jacket, he is alive today. It was quite an evening……all to the soundtrack of Elvis Presley.

I know I posted this on Facebook but what I didn’t say was this. You know, the young crew member is alive today because of the brilliant work of Captain Giovanni Cutugno and his officers and crew. The code for man overboard is “Bravo Bravo” and today I stand up and applaud and shout “Bravo, Bravo” to the captain and crew of the Carnival Magic whose brilliant professionalism saved someone’s life. And it feels great to write that this story has a happy ending and it also feels great to stand up and shout the praises of our Italian captain and his wonderful and dedicated crew.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

There are lots of kids on the Carnival Magic this cruise, 858 in fact, and it’s interesting seeing them split into the two different groups. Those whose parents want them dropped off at Camp Carnival the moment it opens and a few who for whatever reasons don’t want their kids there. Normally, the reason for the latter is that the kids are too shy to go there as Kye, my daughter, was the first time Heidi and I tried to get her to camp. There are though other reasons that happen from time to time……like this one.

Ref: 21A11987152
NAME:———-
CABIN———
DATE: 2/20/12
SUBJECT: DOES NOT WANT HER CHILD TO GO TO CAMP CARNIVAL

Guest called the GSD and wanted to have it noted that she was unhappy with Camp Carnival because the children there were loud and that the games were based on parties and not quiet arts and crafts as she had expected. Guest said that her daughter (9 years) is home schooled and doesn’t like to mix with others. She has asked for some coloring books and paints for the cabin.

I read this after, in fact, I had met the family concerned at the captain’s celebration and the Mum spoke to me about this. Now I must say her daughter did not look shy at all and chatted with me and the captain and we all had our photo taken. Now, I would never judge how a parent brings up their child as I hope nobody would judge the way I raise Kye. However, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for this lovely nine-year-old. I have always thought that kids like to hang out with other kids, especially when they are on vacation and on a cruise. But sometimes you see kids on Lido by the pool, their mothers protecting them all in the name of “quality time with Mum and Dad,” a phrase that surely strikes eye rolling dread in the heart of any nine-year-old.

When Heidi and Kye come to the ship, the brilliant Camp Carnival staff are my heroes. When Kye sails now she loves Camp Carnival as staring at Dadda on stage or blogging all day is not what she finds exciting anymore. At Camp Carnival, Kye enjoys all sorts of activities in the company of other kids and she loves it. There are plenty other reasons why Camp Carnival is the answer to vacation harmony. Without the brilliant CC staff….. I would never get to have any rumpy pumpy.

Let’s crack on with some Q and A.

Nicki and Al Petra asked:

I need quick help to let me decide between two excursions in Livorno for when we join you on the Carnival Breeze. We are interested in the Florence and Pisa tour but also are thinking about the Essence of Tuscany because we both love the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. Can you answer this quickly as we both like to have our plans made and don’t want the tours to sell out!!!!

John says:
Hello Nicki and Al Petra,

I am very happy to know you will be joining me on the Carnival Breeze and you are considering some great excursions. Tuscany is simply gorgeous and I know that many people are attracted by this stunning place after watching the movie you mentioned. The excursion takes you through to Sienna and San Gimiano and then to lunch at a traditional country farmhouse, it is simply beautiful. But then so is Florence and the cathedral and the Academia and Uffizi museums and of course the tour, first of the great leaning tower and the village of Pisa make this our most popular excursion. Judging by what you said and by the love you have for the movie Under the Tuscan Sun though……I would go to Tuscany. You won’t regret it. See you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martha B asked:

I just returned from a Carnival cruise aboard the Carnival Sensation and enjoyed the shows very much but was surprised that you did not make an announcement for guests like me with epilepsy that there were strobe and flashing lights included in the shows. Strobe and flash lighting can bring on a Grand Mal seizure so I suggest this is added immediately.

John says:
Hello Martha B,

Thanks so very much for bringing this to my attention and I have sent this to our shoreside beards to let them know. Thanks again for letting me know. I will keep you informed. I hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Anna Petroni asked:

I would suggest that the reason you don’t like formal nights and are encouraging its demise is that like many obese people, you don’t feel comfortable in a suit and find it difficult indeed to find clothes that fit, especially those that fall into the formal category. As a Carnival VIP, I suggest that you don’t punish others who love to dress up just because you may not find it comfortable to do so yourself.

Anna Petroni

John says:
Hello Anna Petroni,

I see that you only posted this yesterday, obviously in response to my blog called RIP Tuxedo. I decided to bring it to the front of the questions to be answered for two reasons. Firstly, I want to make sure that in no way shape or form am I trying to suggest that we do away with elegant night, on the contrary, I think we have to keep it. My point is that we should give people a choice and if someone doesn’t want to wear a suit on their vacation, that this be OK as well and that it shouldn’t bother others what people wear. Secondly…….well, your post is brilliant because you’re so right. Trying to find a good suit off the rack when you have a beach ball shoved down your stomach isn’t easy, so thank goodness, therefore, that my tailor Omar the Tent maker, is able to help.

Best wishes and thanks for your loyalty.

John

Kim Abbott asked:
John,

Will you tell me why not everyone receives the email comment card after a cruise? I hate there are some hard working Carnival employees out there that don’t get the recognition they deserve from these comment cards. If Carnival wants feedback, I would think it would be necessary to send comment cards to everyone. Also, aren’t these supposed to be entered in a drawing for a free cruise?

John says:
Hello Kim Abbott,

I somewhat agree with you. Now, we have stopped doing the free cruise drawing two years ago and the review cards are sent to approximately 40 percent of the guests electronically but that means not everyone who wants one gets one. I will continue to ask the beards if we can change this system and find a way to make sure those who want to give praise and suggestions can do so and meanwhile you have a place to do that here on my blog and on my Facebook page and I promise that if you do, the right people will see it.

Best wishes.

John

Carla & Jim asked:
Mr. Heald,

My husband, parents, and I just returned from a wonderful Carnival cruise aboard the Carnival Legend out of Tampa. The cruise fully exceeded our expectations, and I’d like to share how. We sailed November 13 and we occupied cabins 6116 and 6120.

First, one odd thing we’ve noticed, on this and several other Carnival cruises. There’s something peculiar about the desserts on the Lido deck: they look gorgeous, they smell great, they have the right “mouth-feel” when you bite into them, but it’s as if all the flavor has been magically removed. I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but this isn’t the first time we’ve noticed, nor the first ship (and we’ve heard similar comments from others). Anyway, that’s a trivial problem easily worked around, especially since the desserts in the dining rooms are always enjoyable; it’s just an oddity.

I went Platinum on this cruise, and we greatly enjoyed the special treatment: the relaxed, friendly check-in (though even the standard check-in personnel always are very friendly and seem genuinely to enjoy their jobs); the canapés and special treats during the cruise; and the free laundry (woo-hoo!). We realize the cruise is already an outstanding value and Carnival needn’t spoil us that way, but it was a treat. Thank you. If the new Platinum program provides nothing but a similar level of perks, we’re happy!

We wanted to highlight especially two Carnival employees who really stood out. The first night dining, we saw a face we thought we recognized from a previous cruise, and sure enough, the next morning, Luis from Peru stopped by during breakfast to say he thought we looked familiar and asked if we’d cruised on the Carnival Legend before. Here’s a fellow who sees thousands of different people every week, and he remembered us from at least a year ago. We had a nice conversation before he went back to work; we weren’t seated in his areas during the rest of the cruise, but he always waved and smiled at the restaurant entrance or when we saw him working the Lido deck.

Aldo (from the Philippines) was our room steward, and he did a wonderful job of taking care of both my husband and me in our cabin and my parents in the adjacent one. They’re getting on in years, and he took extra time and effort to make sure they were comfortable and had everything they needed. Aldo noticed my husband’s CPAP machine on the nightstand the first night, and when we got back from dining there was an (approved!) extension cord waiting for us. That’s the kind of attention to detail that really makes an impression. We never lacked for anything, the room was always immaculate, and Aldo always had a word or a smile for us.

The dining room food and service are always great (in our neck of the woods– Northwest Florida), entrees like the Chateaubriand and the braised beef short ribs are not to be found, much less of that high quality. Likewise (if I can go back and refer to a previous cruise), bravo to Carnival for the Tandoor cuisine stations on some Lido decks; my husband and I were sitting there at lunchtime watching officer after officer walk by with some very appealing food: we traced their path and found Tandoor. I think my husband would have eaten lunch there every day! No Tandoor on the Legend this time, but maybe someday!

Our family had a wonderful time cruising, as we always do. Partly because of the value we associate with Carnival, but also in a very large way because of the friendliness of your employees, we’re already planning two Carnival cruises in 2012.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

John says:
Hello Carla and Jim,

I want to thank you for this wonderful review and I will be sending this onto the ship and the shoreside beards as well. I found your comments very interesting about the desserts especially as being diabetic, I can’t have them. I agree that they look brilliant and tasty so I was surprised, therefore, that you find their taste left a lot to be desired. Rest assured, I have sent this to the chef. He will, I know, act accordingly. It’s so great to read about the crew that made a difference to you and they will be thrilled to read your comments and I was thrilled to read where you stated the reasons why you enjoy sailing with Carnival so very much. We will work hard to do better and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes to you and the family.

John

Tina asked:
John,

I hope that you are going to be spending more time now answering questions on the blog. It seems you have given your time to Facebook and I don’t do Facebook so that means I have to wait weeks for my question to be answered which IMHO is unfair. My need is such that I am writing three months before we cruise to make sure you get our private table for four request sailing on the Dream 4/10 cabins 7345 and 7367.

John says:
Hello Tina,

I do understand that while I answer Facebook questions within 24 hours that on the blog as you see by your question, I am some weeks behind. Anyway, I apologise for this and will send this to the maître d’ to ask that he do his best to give you a table for four. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Dave Varone asked:
John,

Check in the forum under the subject Carnival Magic and thread Big Disappointment. I was very surprised that so many people found such bad things to say about recent times on the Carnival Magic. When I was with you on the Magic in Europe, it was fantastic, no bugs at all.

What happened? Did they change the entire crew and all the cooks, or what?

John says:
Hello Dave Varone,

It’s interesting reading this because I was sent a link to a cruise site that asked, “What’s Wrong with the Magic?” I won’t be posting this for reasons that I won’t bore you with but it has to do with the source rather than the subject. All I can say is that our guests love this ship, which is truly magnificent and the crew is doing a stellar job. In fact, the Carnival Magic is, as of now, number five in the overall fleet ratings for February which is fantastic news, of course. It’s always important to take reviews with a pinch of salt and remember they represent a tiny percentage of the 4,000 people who sail on this brilliant vessel. Granted, we’re not perfect but from all the comments I have seen and from what the guests are telling me in person, the Carnival Magic is exactly everything we hoped she would be.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Murano asked:
Hi John,

We are booked for our second-ever Carnival cruise on the Carnival Breeze June 27th. I remember you commenting on your blog over the summer that people were not too into the cruise elegant nights on the European cruises on the Magic due to the long touring days. Do you have any idea yet on if there will be any elegant nights on the Carnival Breeze? I will be very happy for no elegant nights and lighter luggage certainly works for us.

John says:
Hello Paul Murano,

I will be honest and say no, I haven’t had time to look at the cruises yet and decide how many we will have. But I need to, so I promise to do this in the next few weeks and by the end of March, I will be here to tell you when they are. My apologies for the delay and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Ruse asked:
John,

Take a leaf out of RCI’s book, scrap the water slides and get an ice rink. It’s the reason our family choose Royal and not Carnival

John says:
Hello Simon Ruse,

There is no doubt that Royal Caribbean’s ice rink and ice shows are popular and I can see why you and the family would enjoy them. However, thousands upon thousands of our guests, young and old alike, enjoy our water parks which have been added to many of our ships. I do hope that maybe you will experience the fantastic water park here on the Carnival Magic and see what makes this one of the most spectacular at sea. Until then, I wish you and your family happy cruising.

Best wishes.

John

Tofer Keleigh asked:
Dear John,

My family and I had a wonderful time on the Carnival Fascination. I wanted the word to get back to the people that made my cruise such a wonderful vacation. Jen Baxter and her assistant, Adam, were absolutely fabulous, and I had a great time meeting both of them. I wish I would have gotten my photo taken with them as I’ll always remember them. Some of the entertainment staff, particularly Dallas from Dallas, and Phillip (I can’t remember where he’s from) were particularly great as well. Dallas got a nice telling off from a rude lady on disembarkation day, and as someone who works in customer service, I was very impressed by the way he handled it. One more thing, our dining room servers, I Putu and Agus were great as well, and I particularly enjoyed Josef, the maître d’. If you could please pass on this message to them from me. Just tell Jen it’s from the half American half English kid born in Sidcup, she may actually remember who I am. Thanks for all that you do!

Tofer

John says:
Hello Tofer Keleigh,

What a perfect way to finish today’s Q and A. Thanks so very much for taking the time to write and I will I promise to make sure all the people you mentioned see this and they will, of course, be thrilled. Please let me know if there is anything you need from me before you sail again and thanks again for this brilliant review. I am, I must say, particularly pleased for Jen.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

There is no doubt that one of the biggest successes over the last couple of years has been The Chef’s Table and more and more this brilliant event is sold out on every ship each cruise. So why is it so popular? Last night I went to see The Chef’s Table here on the Carnival Magic to see again why the guests continue to rave about this. No, I didn’t eat, I had to host the shows and had to make do with my bread and cheese but I wish I could have done so.

The shipboard Chef’s Tables have been around, in one form or another, for some time (I may be wrong but I think Holland America may have been the pioneers of this) but regardless I think it is probably not a coincidence that the rise in popularity of these venues has coincided with the rise of the celebrity chef on television. People want to see the chef close up in person whether it’s Gordon Ramsey, Guy Fieri or indeed, Chef Andrew Marfatia, here on the Carnival Magic.

But there’s more to it, of course. In days gone by, we had a galley tour for all the guests and hundreds would traipse through the galley to see where the lobster and cappuccino pie were created……no chocolate melting cake in those days, I’m afraid. But the problem was that they really didn’t see anything. The galley was more or less empty when the tours were given at 3 pm which means all they saw was glistening counter tops and instead of the wonderful aroma of food being prepared, it was the smell of cleaning products. That’s why the first part of The Chef’s Table experience is so brilliant. It gives you the chance for a great view of the galley at full tilt. You get to see the artistry of preparation, to hear the sizzle of the huge grills as the prime rib hits it and you get to see waiters, assistant waiters, cooks and chefs from 40 different countries in fluid choreography, working in unison to provide dinner for thousands of hungry Carnival guests.

There’s a special feeling, of course, in being served by the ship’s head chef and discussing the dishes. It’s also a great opportunity for our chefs to get feedback about their cooking, which I know is something that they enjoy.

On all the ships, The Chef’s Table starts with a comprehensive tour of the galley during dinner service. It can be quite loud but it’s entirely fascinating and after the chef has proudly shown you his galley and tempted your taste buds with some sensational hors d’oeuvres washed down with a cold glass of champagne, it is time for the main event. For those blog readers who may not know how this works, please let me explain. The same menu will be served to the whole table and he will have visited your table in the dining room beforehand to make sure you had no allergies. This menu gives our chef the freedom to use effects and techniques that he would never have time to do during his normal busy schedule and the menu is, of course, spectacular.

Here is one of our two Chef’s Table menus:

Chef’s Table Dinner
Executive Chef Sanjay Dhall welcomes Mr. and Mrs. Blogger
Aboard the Carnival Dream, February 21st, 2012

Norwegian Salmon Tartar
Avocado Mousse, Salmon Caviar

Fire Roasted Tomato and Poblano Chili Bisque
Grilled Corn, Cilantro Drizzle

Rock Shrimps and Apple Beignets
Tapioca Crunch on Tomato Carpaccio, Garlic Lemon Aioli

Chopped Mediterranean Salad
Shaved Pumpkin, Feta Cheese Crumble

Fillet of Chilean Sea Bass
Wine Stewed Shallot and Chives Vinaigrette, Leeks Emulsion, Peas Risotto

Aged Filet Mignon
Onion Streusel, Homemade Three Pepper Mustard

Your Specially-Made Chocolate Melting Cake
With a Surprise from the Chef

And now there is a new Chef’s Table menu which is being served currently on the:

• Carnival Destiny
• Carnival Imagination
• Carnival Fantasy
• Carnival Ecstasy
• Carnival Sensation
• Carnival Liberty
• Carnival Magic (it will be on the new Carnival Breeze with more ships to follow).

Here it is:

Executive Chef Daniel Arulraj welcomes Ms. H82Seaugo
Aboard the Carnival Magic, Tuesday February 21, 2012

RECEPTION
Parmesan Core & Olive
Chorizo & Dates, Piquillo Sofrito
Focaccia, Mascarpone Cream & Prosciutto Crudo
Langoustine & Sundried Tomato Jam Fritters

MENU
Tomatoes Our Way!
Aerated Tomato Juice, Cocoa Butter Coated, Chardonnay Poached

Tuna Banh Mi
Lemon Bread, Sesame Crisp, Miso Cream Avocado gel

Cornish Hen
Caramelized, Butternut Squash, Sofrito

Bavarois
Spinach, Green Peas, Warm Turnip & Apple Juice

Salmon
Herb Pesto, Cured Tomatoes, Carrots, Fava, Mushroom Earth, Condensed Beets

Wagyu
Slow Stewed short ribs, Potato Pebbles, Pumpkin Fudge, Tomato Dust

Dessert
Chef in a Candy Shop

The menus are personalised and yours to keep and whether you eat in the galley itself as on the Dream-class or in a private dining area on all the other ships, it is something that as we read the review cards, each Chef’s Table participant receives that is being described as “the best part of the cruise.” It’s hard to think of anything that has had such a massive impact with foodies than the Chef’s Table.

I had the honour of eating at The Chef’s Table on the Carnival Dream where, like here on the Carnival Magic, you eat in the galley itself. I did so in the secret hope that things would get all Hell’s Kitchen like Gordon Ramsey and that our executive chef would be shouting his head off or swearing at the maitre d’ for not getting the food served quick enough before taking his apron off, throwing it at the food and beverage manager and walking out. But it never happened and in fact, most of our chefs are very soft spoken and don’t have an ounce of Gordon Ramsey in them.

I have spoken to many guests and read on the blog and on Facebook that the highlight of the new menu is the Wagyu beef. Now for those who don’t know about where this comes from, I should mention that the cows are special cows from Japan and they are the happiest most content cows in the world. This, apparently, is the key to the quality of the Wagyu’s meat. Its tenderness is the result of a pampered VIP existence. Wagyu cattle are the supermodels of the bovine world. They must be regularly massaged with brushes made from silk to distribute their fat into the meat, then rubbed with sake to make their coats glow. They eat only the finest hay and their menu is expanded to include gallons of beer………no, really, it is…….designed to give them more appetite and presumably to help them handle the thought of rumpy pumpy with an ugly huge bull which is needed to make more Wagyu cows. This is the king of beef — it’s what other cows want to be. Wagyu is the dining version of an Aston Martin served by a Latvian in suspenders.

The Chef’s Table is simply brilliant from the visit to the galley, the interaction with our head chef who prepares, explains and serves the food, to the jovial hospitality that comes with meeting new friends. The wine pours freely and memories are made. Each and every week, we are receiving 100 plus reservation requests for this epic culinary event and I hope one day that you get to experience it as well. You can reserve a place at your Chef’s Table by completing the reservation thingy here on my blog and the ship will then send you an email confirmation. I will be hosting a very special Chef’s Table on the Bloggers Cruise with guests hopefully buying raffle tickets in order to sit and enjoy this amazing event together, with the proceeds going to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Let’s see some photos of the Chef’s Table here on the Carnival Magic. These were taken last night at The Chef’s Table hosted by the ship’s Chef de Cuisine Daniel Arulraj.

It feels strange talking about such gorgeous food and so much gorgeous food at that, considering this cruise I have been the target of the “tea sellers” or chubby chasers, as I like to call them. I know I have to lose weight and am trying. I don’t want to die in my sixties. I’m not saying I want to live forever. But I’d like to have a crack at meeting Kye’s children, my grandchildren. I don’t drink alcohol and haven’t for 16 years now. I eat green vegetables. I have cut right back on Diet Coke, drinking only three per week. I walk the stairs on the ship.

Yes, I smoke a cigar or two each week and, yes, I love red meat but my blood pressure is good, I check it every day on my own machine and my sugar levels are, for the most part, in control. Of course, I have a secret dream of being thin. I’d love to be 200 pounds of muscle with a six-pack and to be able to run marathons and to have women want to ravage my body rather than rub my tummy and ask when the baby is due. I know I am a medium-sized hippo in a blue blazer but you know what? I have a beautiful wife, a daughter that makes me happier than I have ever been and I have a job that, considering I am as talented as drunken penguin, I am so very lucky to have.

One last thing, I cannot believe the amount of e-books that I see here on the Carnival Magic. They’re everywhere with young, old and everything in between using them. I can’t stand them and when I say that to someone, I am met with frowns and sad shakes of the head, as if I am a knuckle dragging troglodyte afraid of fire. I know that they are popular and particularly useful to the elderly because the font size can be enlarged, but I just find them…..well, soulless. Reading an e-book thingy feels to me like enjoying a Wagyu steak in pill form. Real books have that page-turning gratification that cannot be found on the finger sliding e-thingies. Most of all, I hate that with e-books I cannot tell what other people are reading. Unless they are reading Big Jugs True Stories or Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue……in which case it is understandable that they would want to keep that to themselves.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But times change and the tuxedo has become an endangered species, replaced by regular business suits. This past elegant night on the Carnival Magic, Calvyn and I set out to see how many we could count. He walked round the dining rooms while I covered the captain’s celebration on Promenade deck, both sittings. Now obviously we didn’t see everyone but out of the many hundreds of guests we did see, it will maybe surprise you that the total number of guests wearing a tuxedo was………..11. Yep just 11.Now you may think that this is specific to the Carnival Magic in Galveston but I assure you it’s not as it was the same when we sailed out of Europe as well. Yep, the tuxedo is slowly becoming the betamax of the fashion world.

Many of you know my feelings on dress code and I really don’t want to drag this up again so that H82Seaugo and her mates can get their John Heald voodoo dolls out and stick some pins in my bottom, but times they are a changing. Back in those days, you couldn’t go anywhere without going home first to get changed. I remember the day when restaurants would turn you away if you weren’t wearing a tie. Gentlemen were required to wear jackets. Look, I know that this is a point of contention for many people but overall I think we have a dress code that is exactly what it should be………..relaxed. Telling guests what to wear is like insisting that all the vegetablists eat a huge steak. If you are a host at a party you are throwing at your house, then it is your duty to make sure that your guests have as nice a time as possible. That means letting them wear and do and eat whatever takes their fancy and during your much needed vacation I think it is absurd to tell our guests what they must wear. Some won’t agree, I’m sure.

So unless you’re George Clooney at the Oscars it appears the tuxedo is out and most of our guests have stopped wearing them on elegant night. And from what I have seen this week the new trend is for guests who do dress elegantly to change after dinner and photos back into casual clothes. The tuxedo looked good but with cummerbunds, cufflinks and a real bow tie to fasten and to position under the triangle collar it was easier to build a nuclear power station then to put one on. I recognise that some people like getting dressed up. I have no problem with this. But I can say from being with Carnival for 26 years that things have changed, they really have and the tuxedo has for the most part been replaced with the business suit and tie.

You know, when I used to go to what were then called discos, you had to wear a suit or you wouldn’t be allowed in. But not anymore. Now you can wear what you like. And judging by what some of the ladies were wearing in the Vibe Dance club last night, it seems …………………. you don’t have to wear much of anything at all.

Let’s crack on, shall we?

Maureen asked:
John,

I just love the new link tab on the Carnival Facebook page. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the life and times of the cruise directors. I was looking for the Cruise Director Jamie, that we had on the Carnival Sensation Oct 9-13, 2011, but didn’t see her picture or bio listed there. She was fabulous! And we enjoyed her as cruise director. We hope to have her as cruise director on another cruise in the future.

John says:
Hello Maureen

Thanks for those kind words. Jaime is as of tomorrow on Carnival Legend and will eventually head to the Carnival Liberty as CD. I saw her yesterday in Freeport and she looks great and is definitely an asset to Carnival. Thanks again for the kind words and I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes.

John

Jennifer Reiss asked:

Your blog today contained a letter from someone who was on the same cruise as me on the Carnival Fantasy. She wrote how disturbed she was that during a night of entertainment Carnival decided to allow three passengers to sing religious songs on stage. I agree, it is disgusting and in this day and age I am shocked that Carnival allows this to happen. Please explain why on a fun cruise ship as Carnival proclaims to be is this allowed. Religious songs must be banned as you have a multi-cultural multi or no faith audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reiss

I am sorry for the long delay in my reply to your question but I really am so far behind in my blog questions. The talent show is a feature on some ships and we allow guests to entertain their fellow guests. There are guidelines which include no comedians or songs with bad language etc but respectfully, do you honestly expect us to ban religious songs? I mean, what’s next? I do hope despite this that you had a great cruise and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Jo Kesar asked:

Carnival needs to enforce its rules on dress code because on our relocation cruise on Carnival Paradise was marred by many passengers dressing in jeans and T-shirts at dinner including formal night and our dining room experience was spoiled by the crew allowing this to happen. Another sign of Carnival’s slipping standards. My DH and I are VIP platinum guests and this was cruise number 17.

John says:
Terri Jo

I know many guests still like to dress up because that chance doesn’t come around much for many and it’s great that we give you the choice but comments like this one genuinely baffle me. Why would you worry about what someone else is wearing while you’re eating dinner? I am sorry Terri Jo, I do hope you had a great cruise through the canal and truly value you as a Carnival guest but honestly, I don’t get it.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Beaudry asked:

I just returned from a cruise aboard the Carnival Triumph (11/12 – 11/17). I loved our cruise director, Tex. At first, I thought he was a little annoying but he really grew on me and I looked forward to his daily announcements. The dance he made up of the different movements (wash the dog, shopping, mow the lawn and the sprinkler etc.) was absolutely hilarious. I also, want to recognize Cassie as well. She was a lot of fun.

John says:
Hello Martha Beaudry

Well that’s two in today’s Q&A for the cruise directors and that’s great news indeed. I shall make sure Tex and Cassie see how much you enjoyed them and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Gold Member (4) asked:
HI,

I am NOT complaining at any type I’m just suggesting! I’ve been on four Carnival cruises, and on each one there has been a lack of chicken wings! That’s it! Love Carnival, everything is great: food, entertainment, trivia’s, and youth programs! Thanks for reading.

John says:
Hello Gold Member (4)

If only other questions were as simple to answer as this. I will pass your comments to the beards and I should mention that we now serve complimentary chicken wings at the EA Sports Bar on the Carnival Liberty and will on other ships as they get their 2.0 upgrades. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Bracali asked:
Brand Ambassador.

I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and am fascinated by how a company like Carnival Cruise Lines allows you to get away with such a blog as this. You do seem to have the ear of the higher ups so I wanted you know that in my opinion Carnival wants to keep growing and enticing its customer base to return to Carnival then it must hire better workers. The experience that my family and I had on the Carnival Splendor was one of lack of English from the officers in white uniforms to the cabin boy who when asked for something would smile and nod and then not bring or do what he was asked. You must realize that if the workers don’t understand the customers’ requests then how can you offer good customer service? Answer is that you cannot. I spoke with many on that cruise and each one agreed that the language barrier made this cruise a forgettable one at best and a massive annoyance and disappointment at worst. I suggest that as the ambassador you act on this now.

John says:
Hello Paul Bracali

Thanks for taking the time to write and I do hope you had a great cruise despite your concerns. I am though going to have to say that I disagree with you because our crew all have to pass an English exam before being placed in guest service positions and while it may not be their first language and although they may speak with a heavy accent, they understand your requests and are able to provide brilliant customer service. I am therefore so shocked to see this comment. You may have spoken to those on that cruise who you say agreed with you but respectfully I will say that your comment is a rare one. I will though pass this to the ship’s senior management as you requested and I hope you will return to Carnival again where I promise we will give you the best value for money cruise vacation in the industry.

Best wishes.

John

Angela Henkel asked:

I have been on six Carnival cruises and it seems that the more that I am on, the worse location I get in the dining room. I look forward to every aspect of the cruise including dining and this is becoming very disappointing. I was told during my sixth cruise that if I am unhappy with my location, I can speak to the maitre´ d, which I did and all I accomplished was upsetting her and she made it very clear to me. While this was my sixth cruise (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it was my father’s first and I was anxious for him to have a good time and be able to see the waiters sing and dance and want to cruise again. She moved us, it was still a terrible location and we could not see anything. So, why is it that as I cruise more am I getting worse locations in the dining room?

John says:
Hello Angela Henkel

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done. In truth it’s based on demographics, groups and other factors but not who has cruised the most. I think the maitre d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and regardless of where you are seated that you will receive good food and brilliant service. I am guessing that you wish to be based at the centre of the dining room which a few guests do feel are the best tables and if that’s the case let me know next time you cruise and I will do my best to assist you. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Dean asked:
John,

This may get a little long, but I wanted to make sure and call out everything and everyone on the Carnival Freedom that made our cruise the best yet. We sailed on 11/19, and are dealing with our first full day back home (including some serious withdrawal). Before I started forgetting things, I wanted to write up some feedback.

First, the eight-day western Caribbean is a perfect itinerary. The perfect mix of sea days and ports to keep a busy family relaxed. The only thing we wished is that it had an extra day to stop by Cozumel again on the way home between the two sea days for some extra beach time.

Next, on to the staff. I’ve never understood some forum comments I’ve seen people make in the past where they’d indicate a cruise director either made or ruined their cruise. In my opinion, I’m the only one who can make my cruise good or bad, since it is after all, my cruise. After being on the Carnival Freedom last week, I now get what they’re saying (in a good way). Brad was simply outstanding and definitely made our time on the ship better. I couldn’t tell you the name of any CD we’ve had on past ships (various lines), but I have no doubt we’ll remember Brad. The guy has the perfect personality for this job, and is absolutely hilarious (or “almost a comedian” as some lady at the Q&A put it, which she meant as a compliment). Carnival should do whatever they can to keep him, and as you can tell, we can’t say enough good stuff about him.

Frankly, his entertainment staff is great, too. We played trivia several times, and Chelsea was awesome. She was always smiling, and incredibly friendly. In case she sees this, we’d like to give her a shout out from the Crusin’ Cats. We had a blast coming back from wwaaayyy behind to win super trivia on the last day!

Moving on, our wait staff in the Posh dining room, headed by Ashwin, was excellent. He’s a very personable guy, and did a great job, even with some of the others at our table disappearing on him. We wish him a safe and relaxing trip home when he gets off the ship in a few days.
Great DR + great table next to the aft windows + great staff = excellent dining experience. Not sure how we pulled that outstanding table location, but we loved it. I’d also like to add that our visit to the steak house was excellent. The filet was perfect (far better than the filet served in the DR ), and Polina was very friendly and handled some changes to our steakhouse reservations before we sailed very quickly. Hope she enjoys her time off.

Overall, Carnival has come a long way since we last sailed with them in 2004, and as mentioned, this turned in to our best cruise to date. A very big thank you to everyone on the ship for a wonderful vacation!

Dean

PS – To the dancer who did the Austin Powers themed dance class, it was awesome, but you should add a flash mob element to it. After you teach the class the dance, send them up nonchalantly to Lido and Panorama to surround the pool, and once everyone is up there fire up the music and start dancing. It’d be awesome!

John says:
Hello Dean

What an absolutely fantastic review and I am so glad you mentioned Brad who is everything you said he is. The Carnival Freedom is top of the fleet in ratings as per the guest review cards and your review sums up exactly why. I have sent your words of praise to the ship and the beards and I hope we will see you again soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Lori De Granger asked:
John –

You mentioned that Carnival has no religious services on board their boats so how can you state you are a family cruise line. I was researching the possibilities of doing a cruise and read your blog and when I saw that you had no services I was horrified and bitterly disappointed. It’s back to Branson, Missouri, for us.

John says:
Hello Lorri De Granger

That’s two very different comments today about religion. Every now and then I have to simply say that cruising isn’t for everyone and if religious services during the cruise is a deciding factor whether you book with Carnival then this is one of those occasions. I wish you and your family a wonderful vacation wherever you spend it and if you think there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Perez asked:

I have read various comments about past guest parties, but after nine sailings on Carnival, I have never been invited to one. How come?

John says:
Hello Frank Perez

I am flabbergasted by this. I really am You should have received written invitations in your stateroom since cruise number two. I sincerely apologise and will look into this right now for you and someone will be in touch.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Haviland asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I need a table for two because of my wife’s speech impediment which she is very embarrassed about. We are on Dream Marc 3, 2012 in cabin 8292.

Simon and Martha Haviland

John says:
Hello Simon Haviland

I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with this and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

Just wondering if you will be the cruise director on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze out of Miami. We were on the inaugural of the Carnival Magic out of Galveston and were a little disappointed that you were not the CD on that trip, although we were happy to see you out and about on the ship. We had a great time on the cruise, especially the Trivia/Canada trivia with Calvin. I think the wife (Trina) would be his groupie if we weren’t in the 29+++++++ age group. So I guess her question would be, is Calvin going to be on the Carnival Breeze for the inaugural out of Miami. And by the way, thank you for the strawberries you sent us for our anniversary. It was like seed faith for an evangelist; Trina had to have them every day for the rest of the cruise. Whatever keeps mama happy is a good thing.

Thanks again, Cheers

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

Brilliant post because that describes Calvyn so much, He is funny and so talented and we will be hosting shows together when we see you on the Carnival Breeze. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise and see you both soon.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today, many thanks for all the questions and comments.

And as promised I will continue with my recap of the ports that the Carnival Legend will visit on her Baltic cruises and today we talk about the jewel in the Baltic itinerary which is of course St. Petersburg — the one in Russia, not Florida.

The excursions we will offer in 2013 will be simply the best and remember to pass through Russian immigration you must have booked a private excursion and have proof of this with you or, as most guests do book an excursion onboard. You will not be able to get past the men with frying pan hats on and who have the sense of humour of a dead slug if you don’t. You cannot just go ashore on your own, it’s not allowed. The end.

Priority will be given to guests on a Carnival purchased excursion who will leave the ship first in this port. Just an FYI for now. Basically, St. Petersburg is the best port of call, by a long way. There is no city like it and the Carnival Legend will be your time machine. We will take you back to the days of the tsars and tsarinas and WWII when, under its old name of Leningrad, the city was under siege for two years and over a million people died………..mostly from starvation.

Then the remnants of the days of Lenin, Stalin and the one with the funny oil patch on his head will be up close and personal as the last throws of communism will be there for all to see. This comes as you drive through the suburbs past the old cars and faceless grey buildings where some people still have to queue for a loaf of bread. You see, Russia is often a land of the haves and the have nots, although there seem to be quite a few haves these days. You can see them everywhere stepping out of their big Mercedes and Rolls Royce Phantoms under the watchful eyes of ex-KGB bodyguards with no necks and who have tattoos of a bloody axe on their forehead and who talk mysteriously into their arms. The amount of cash washing around Russia these days is astronomical, inconceivable even. On the all day tours lunch and dinner is included and the restaurants we visited when I was there with Carnival Splendor in St. Petersburg are quite gaudy, with more camp and flash than Richard Simmons’ shorts and designed by top Russian architect Joseph Farcusov.

The ship organized tours of seven or more hours will feature lunch in restaurants oozing with gold ornaments and massive sterling silver cutlery. You will be welcomed with a glass of vodka which you should drink in one shot……..not doing so is considered rude. Then and still before any food is served, you are given a glass of Russian champagne. Your guide will make a toast and again she will explain that Russian tradition states that you must drink this glass again …..….in one long gulp.

So you have had a shot of vodka and a huge glass of champagne all in five minutes. The reason they do this is because the food is crap. Of course, I am joking. The food was surprisingly excellent.

So, what tour should you take? What should you see? Well, the most popular excursion on the Carnival Splendor will also be offered in 2012 on the Carnival Legend. It’s called the Grand Tour and it certainly lives up to its name. I remember that 1,000 people took this excursion each and every time we sailed into the port. This is the best of everything and over the two days you will visit most of the major sites. This still allows time in the evening to take in an evening concert at Catherine Palace with dinner in Pushkin or our most popular tour …… sitting in the national theatre watching the very thin women and men with pieces of fruit shoved down the front of their tights….or to give them their proper name……The St. Petersburg National Ballet Company perform……Swan Lake…it’s truly incomparable.

However you mix your tours you must see the top five which are:

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM – The Hermitage used to be the palace of the tsars and now it contains possibly the greatest collection of paintings, jewelry, statues and rare items from all over the world. Everywhere you turn there are moments of “wow” and “Oh my goodness look at that!” There are even stronger emotions when you enter the Throne Room from where the tsars ruled Russia. There are paintings by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet and in the Gold Room, a collection of precious stone objects that are quite simply indescribable. They say that if you were to stop and look at every artifact in the Hermitage for just three minutes…….it would take you a year to see everything.

And, of course, you must see Catherine’s Palace, the fountains and palace at Peterhof, and the Peter and Paul Fortress. Then at night we have excursions to the folkloric shows, a private dinner and performance at Catherine Palace and, of course, a chance to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet Company………..amazing.

All of the above is what makes St. Petersburg a must on your bucket list. St. Petersburg is a living version of a Tom Clancy novel and I absolutely loved it. The city is as intense as putting Ben-Gay on your thingy and the grayness is everywhere, even the stray dogs that nibble on the left over grey food……. are grey. I was talking with Ken here on Carnival Magic and we both said that St. Petersburg is a place anyone who visits …..will never forget.

OK, let’s jump back into the Delorean and go back in time to 2008 when a much fatter me made this video.

So as you saw yesterday Carnival Destiny is doing a trans-Atlantic crossing that ends in Europe. What happens after that will be announced in the weeks ahead. The trans-Atlantic crossing is exciting news for those who wanted new and varied ports of call, that’s for sure.

In two days time I will be cruise director and providing the swamp fever I have at the moment doesn’t kill me then I will be ready to get out on stage and share with you the stories of life onboard. Stories like this one from today’s incident report.

CABIN………
NAME: Mrs.…….
REF: 171140A809
Guest called the GSD and stated that she was upset because she had been sitting at the same slot machine in the casino for 40 minutes and did not win. She left to go to the bathroom and came back and another guest was playing and won $450. Mrs. _________ says she left her drink at the side of the machine to reserve it and that the win should be hers. Casino manager contacted guest. Nothing further.

I don’t know about you but I do feel sorry for the guest as that was one very expensive pee.
OK, that’s me done for today as I am not feeling well and blogging with a cold is as difficult as translating the words “personal hygiene” into French.

I will be on Facebook over the weekend and then reporting from the CD chair here on the blog on Monday when I will also be reunited with my stateroom steward Ketut who for some weird reason has asked for a transfer to another ship. I wonder why?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

This has as I mentioned gotten me thinking about Kye and what she might say as she grows older. I can imagine her asking Heidi “Mama, what is Latvian Bottoms magazine and why are there 27 copies of it in Dadda’s computer bag?” “Why are you older than other Daddies?”; “What’s rumpy pumpy?”; “Is it OK that I told Alice’s mummy you said she wore too much lipstick and had a huge bottom?”

Obviously there are some questions which are impossible to answer: “Who signed off on building the Norwegian Epic” and “When will our new loyalty program be released?” My favourite though belongs to my mate Alan’s son. Alan and his wife Alison had bought him two goldfish which he loved……for about 10 minutes….and then forgot. The fish were then the responsibility of the parents and that did not make them very happy and they were referred to using very colourful metaphors. Anyway, a few months later his grandmother came to visit and asked Alan and Alison’s seven-year-old son what the names of his fish were. Obviously his immediate thought went to what his parents had called them over and over again and so obviously his reply to 84-year-old grandmother was………… “f****g fish.”

Time for today’s Q and A………..lets crack on.

Mel F asked:
John.

My mother and I sailed recently on the Carnival Freedom and the service in the dining room left a lot to be desired. We had ordered Kosher meals ahead of time and yet the waiters seemed untrained in how to serve them and what to do. At first we were given PAPER KNIFE AND FORKS and the food itself was bland and of a cafeteria standard. We won’t be sailing again with you if this is how you treat your customers.

John says:
Hello Mel F

I am so sorry that this happened. I spoke to Ken, the maitre d here on the Carnival Magic, and he told me that there are sometimes guests who ask for Kosher meals also request plastic cutlery. Obviously you didn’t and we should have asked ahead of time obviously. I have sent a note to the office regarding your comments on the Kosher meals and I am sure we will strive to do better. I also hope that you will look back at the fun you had on the cruise and that you will indeed join us again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Vicki Hart asked:
John,

You may recall having heard from me before. My husband and I were to sail the Carnival Dream in February 2012. Due to his diagnosis of cancer we changed our trip to Oct. 15, 2011. Sadly he passed on Oct. 5 and that trip never happened. I had written to you a few times and you were helping me to make his last trip special for him. Thank you for your kindness during that time. Don wanted to take our adult daughters on their first cruise to introduce them to the joys of cruising. Since he never got that opportunity I have decided to honor the anniversary of his death by taking the girls on a cruise in October 2012. We will be sailing the Carnival Elation out of New Orleans. Would it be possible for you to arrange for us to be seated somewhere in the middle of the dining room? We will be on the ship for the anniversary of their father’s passing. I just want to make this trip as special as I can. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do!

John says:
Hello Vicki Hart

I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sure this cruise will be one full of mixed emotions. However, if I may be so bold to say, I think it’s brilliant that you are taking the family as per his wishes and to honour your husband’s life. May I please ask that one month before you sail you contact me here on the blog again marking your post time sensitive or indeed do so on Facebook and I will make sure we look after you? I will be thinking of you all and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes and deepest sympathies.

John

Diane Blissett asked:

I agree with others who said today that your language and sexual innuendos have no place here and that Carnival should reconsider your position as brand ambassador but I guess looking at it I should have expected nothing else from Carnival as I am still awaiting resolution to my complaints from my Carnival Valor cruise of November. Lurid language and sexual references may be OK for some but for many it is an immediate turn off and that reflects badly on Carnival. I read this blog to get information about the Carnival Breeze. Even though I am not interested in your bowel movements, farting, or your opinions of non-smokers, I put up with it to keep up with a ship that I’ll be on. Your humor is enjoyed by far less than you probably realize. I mentioned the Carnival Breeze, when the ship stays over the night in Rome is there anything to do next to the ship or in walking distance?

John says:
Hello Diane Blissett

Let’s start with the answer to your question. The ship docks in Civitavecchia and there is a free shuttle bus that runs until midnight into the town where there are loads of restaurants and a beautiful promenade but there is nothing next to the ship. Let me know please if you have any other questions. I am sorry if my cheekiness and sometimes candid way of writing is not for you. I happen to think British humor is some of the finest in the world but then I would I guess being British. I am sorry you had concerns in November on the Carnival Valor and I will investigate your comments and ask a colleague to contact you. I do tend to use bad language and that’s always been the case. You know, I thought my wife had a nervous tic but apparently she really did want me to “p**s off.” Just a little bit of British humor there for you. I’m sure you’re not laughing though…..oh bugger. Seriously, thanks for writing and I will look into your concerns for you.

Best wishes.

John

Marc W asked:
John.

I understand that you are the person to write to about my cruise experience. I should say that I am a frequent cruiser with 25-plus with all the major lines and this cruise was far from perfect. The buffet upstairs was hit and miss. Sometimes it was good and sometimes pretty bad. We didn’t know whether the food we chose would be hot, lukewarm or cold. I liked the layout but not the delivery. I saw a stir fry station with all the ingredients but no stir fry cook. I stood there but no one seemed interested in helping me. One night we got the meat balls, which were excellent. The next time we went there my husband said the meatballs were like they were just taken out of the refrigerator. If we wanted hot food at breakfast we had to stand in line and order our eggs specially cooked. After a few days, we gave up on the buffet. The dining room at lunch — we tried this one day. The service was so bad that the table of two next to us left before ordering because they had waited so long just to be waited on. It took over an hour to receive our lunch. I had told my husband they had another five minutes before I walked. The waiter finally told us that it was the kitchen’s fault. They didn’t expect so many to eat there that day. In the dining room, we really enjoyed the service. The waiter and his assistant were excellent. I would describe the food as passable. Example: I ordered Mom’s pork chop, chef’s recommendation. It was a pork chop that was coated with shake n bake with a sweet sauce. You never knew what exactly you would be getting. Since I had already had an appetizer and a soup, it was no big deal. I will give the sous chef high marks. The soups were always excellent. Please take this seriously sir as I do know cruising better than most and hope that you will improve by the next time I choose to cruise with your line.

Marc W

John says:
Hello Marc Warsi

Please excuse me if I am being a bit thick here but I have read your post twice and I can’t for the life of me work out what ship you were on. The only reference is the pork chop you described which I am not familiar with. We do have a Mongolian Wok and yet there are always people serving food there so again I am not sure to what you are referring to. Please can you send me more details so I can help you because I really do want to know what ship you were on so we can take a closer look. Thinking about it I don’t think we serve meatballs on Lido either……..do we? Anyway, let me know and regardless I am so sorry your experience left you feeling less than pleased.

Best wishes.

John

Johnny Byrd asked:
John,

I guess you don’t have an answer for the questions I ask you about. I sent you questions about VIP guests where we stood in a line waiting on baggage for about three an hour to an hour and a half. I guess nobody cares at Carnival about their VIP people.

John says:
Hello Johnny Byrd

We absolutely do care and I am sorry that I haven’t replied yet to you as I don’t think I can remember seeing anything from you until now. Please can you let me know more details so I can look into this for you because we need to see where we slipped up. We have a new loyalty program due soon which I hope will prove even more just how much we do care about our VIP guests.

Best wishes and sorry for the late reply.

John

Gary Gorman asked:
John -

My family and I just returned from a wonderful cruise aboard the Carnival Spirit. We sailed on Nov. 13 for a five-day cruise to Cabo San Lucas. All together there were 23 of us on the cruise and we had a wonderful time. However, I have one small complaint but I also want to commend the maître d’ on the Carnival Spirit for his wonderful job of handling our problem.

Most of our family booked the cruise using the group booking number. A few of our family chose not to do that, and booked separately. We all did want to dine together, so as the group coordinator, I called Carnival’s group department on a few occasions, and spoke with someone about making sure that all of us were seated together. I did this each time someone booked without using the group number. Each time I was assured they would take care of linking their booking to the rest of us for meals. Well, we boarded, and started chatting and discovered that we were scattered over several tables with the exception of those that booked as part of the group. At first I thought maybe we were all together in the dining room, but soon discovered that was not the case. I contacted the maître d’ and spoke with him about the situation. This is where the story really gets good. He managed to move people around and by the second night, we were all sitting at two tables, side by side! I was absolutely amazed at what a great job he did of fixing what could have been a very vexing problem for us. Kudos and thanks to the wonderful dining staff of the Carnival Spirit!!! And a little bit of a pffffft towards the group booking folks.

Thanks for listening to my tale and I hope you can tell me what I could have done better to assure this won’t happened next time. And there will be a next time.

John says:
Hello Gary Gorman

A tale with a sort of a happy ending and that’s just what I needed to hear as today’s Q&A has been a bit……ummmm…..bumpy. It does look like we dropped the ball here though and I will make sure the right people know this. However, equally important I will let the beards know that the maitre d turned the situation around and that’s just wonderful to read. Thanks for telling me and if you ever need help with dining arrangements for your next cruise please do let me know.
I hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Richard Glash asked:

I would like to know what happened to Chris Jefferson? He was the cruise director on the Carnival Conquest. If you have any information let me know.

Thank you.

Richard Glash

John says:
Hello Richard Glash

Chris retired two years ago and we all miss him. His wife gave birth to a baby daughter last year and they are all together living in the UK. Thanks for asking, that was very kind.

Best wishes.

John

Trudy asked:

We are cruising with you guys on the Carnival Fascination ship 2/27 for our Washington High School in Atlanta, Georgia class of 1971 reunion. We are in cabins R53, R55, R79 and M11 and wondered how we claim our free gift.

John says:
Hello Trudy

I am not sure what free gift you are referring to but if you are asking if I can send something to you to help celebrate your reunion then I am sure I can find something for you to share. Have a great time and hope you have loads of fun.

Best wishes.

John

Nathan Derringer asked:
Dear John (Please Reply),

I will be on a cruise for the first time with Carnival on the beautiful Carnival Spirit to Alaska. I will be joined by my wife and eight-year-old son, Nathan Jr. He has a morbid fear of mascots and after weeks of worry and various tests it was discovered he suffers from coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I have read that you have a mascot on the ship and seen photos of it and it will for sure make my son so upset and maybe as has happened before he will actually faint. How can I make sure that the mascot is not on the ship for that cruise? Please help. Thank you on behalf of worried parents.

John says:
Hello Nathan Derringer

I am so glad you have written to me and seeing that you are sailing to Alaska means we have some time to sort this out. I am going to look up your sailing date and make sure that when you arrive the youth director who runs Camp Carnival will place in your stateroom a schedule of when Fun Ship Freddy is due to appear. There won’t be any random appearances, just what’s on the schedule so you will know not to have Nathan Jr. there. You are not the first to worry about this, in fact I am sure there are blog readers who will be posting their thoughts about this below as they have had similar concerns. Please don’t worry, all will be well and I will make sure of that and be in touch before you sail.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your lot for today. So the big news yesterday was of course Carnival Legend and her European tour in 2013 and in case you didn’t get to see the news yesterday, here it is again.

http://carnival-news.com/2012/02/14/carnival-legend-to-operate-wide-array-of-exciting-european-cruises-in-2013-including-lines-first-extended-program-from-uk-3/

She has been to Europe before of course when in 2002 we sailed to the Baltic and round the British Isles and it was truly amazing. Now over the next few weeks I will be highlighting some of the brilliant places that we call at and let’s start with our return to the Baltic which I know so many of you are excited about.

One of the highlights will be Warnemunde where Kye was created during five minutes of das rumpy von pumpy. Seriously, Germany has a history and one that it is keen to open its doors to and ask you in. And, of course, for the best view of this country’s history that affected most of the world………you have to go to Berlin. Carnival Legend will have private trains to take you to Berlin and from experience I can tell you it’s a must see city. The whole city is packed with culture, history and attractions. The transparent dome of the Reichstag, and the Platz der Republik, architecture at its best, the views are incredible every which way you look.

You can gaze down into the debating chamber of the German parliament; across the void to the ingenious double walkways that spiral to the summit; or out onto the Brandenburg Gate and across the vast Tiergarten Park to the Kurfürstendamm. I got to stand where the Berlin Wall stood and where parts of this hated symbol of a divided Europe still stand. To see the Checkpoint Charlie museum, near the former East-West crossing point, which chronicles the many daring escape attempts and the blood spilled.

There is, of course, a place that we give you the chance to visit that will change your life …….. here is what I wrote in 2008 when I visited somewhere I will never forget. “As I sit here on the bus for the three-hour ride to Warnemunde, I only have thoughts for the place I just came from ………Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. We walked as the prisoners did up to the huge foreboding iron gates that have the feared insignia of the SS on either side and in the middle the words ‘Arbeit Macht Frei,’ which translates to ‘Work Will Give You Freedom.’ Nothing was further than the truth as this was the place where 50,000 Jews, Russian soldiers and anyone who did not fit Hitler’s ‘Kampf’ died. We listened to the stories from our expert guide about the torture and we visited the cells and chambers where these acts were carried out. Then there were the stories about the children…oh, the children…I cannot even bring myself to write the words.”

I thought I would share a video with you of Germany and my time there on the Carnival Splendor. Now you have to remember this was filmed some years ago and long before Peter the Hair and Jay The Recently Married got their hands on me and tried to mould me into a cross between Andersen Cooper and Wolf Blister. Things were different back then, the logo has changed of course and so has the production value. Myself and Heidi and the shore excursion team went on location to film some Travel Channel-style video footage which we play on the guest televisions. When I say Travel Channel…well……it was a little different. They have huge teams of cameraman, sound engineers, make-up artists and beautiful women supplying the host with anything he needs.….we had a bloke……who was cameraman, soundman and supplied me the host…….with bugger all. As for makeup….well…I refused to wear any and would rather tie a piece of old cheese to my thingy and have H82Seaugo put a starved rat down my underpants ………. than wear mascara and foundation.

The videos were also shot in early March which is why it may look a bit grey and wet on occasion. Remember when you will be on the Carnival Legend the weather will be different but the excursions and the places featured here will be the same and our brilliant excursion program will offer you a chance to see places like this.

Our shoreside excursion team will start work on the excursions and get them ready and available ASAP and I will keep you informed. Tomorrow we will talk about St. Petersburg and that is a city that should be on everyone’s bucket list and we haven’t even mentioned the Norwegian fjords. Have you booked yet?

You know, the way public debate is now conducted, there is nobody who is safe from public mockery and ridicule and I have finally come to the realisation that I am included in that. I am the first to publicly ridicule myself and along the way have upset Al Gore supporters, loads of Cruise Critic members, other cruise line executives, environmentalists, Diane Blissett and, of course, the French. There are one or two people who seem to take great pleasure in sending me snippets from other cruise pages and most of the time I delete without being read but one caught my eye yesterday because it was very funny. It simply said “Carnival has chosen Eliza Doolittle as their Brand Ambassador” and as I read that I laughed out loud because in a way………they are absolutely correct……they did.

I don’t think my language is that bad is it? I don’t swear that much in writing or in real life, I really don’t. Swearing is bad and any children reading this please do not listen to Uncle John’s ranting and use of colourful metaphors. It isn’t easy to swear well though. We should celebrate those who swear well. Genius swearers, in my book, include John Cleese, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Richard Pryor, Ray Winstone a brilliant British actor and the undisputed king of swearing ……….Tony Soprano.

By the way, did you know there is a village in Austria called “F**k”………….The “Welcommen Zu F**k” sign has apparently been stolen many many times………….sorry Diane.

Well tomorrow is Thursday and be sure and check my Facebook page when we have some interesting and exciting news indeed.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John