This morning I have been suffering from something that has had my hemorrhoids flaring up like a puff adder and it has to do with changing my password. Now I am going to try and explain what has been going on but remember I have the technology and computer skills of a dyslexic hamster but I will give it a try.
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We start today’s blog with a question and my rather detailed and ummmm………sarcastic answer.

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So in a week’s time I will be home in the bosom of my family and it appears that one of the first things I will be doing will be spending my very hard earned money on a dog. Yep, for those who have been long time blog readers, you will know I have tried over the last few years to put it off but Heidi is like the Borg……..resistance is therefore futile.

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I hope you all had a fun Halloween. I spent it in my hotel room with the door locked and bolted in case a child staying in the hotel decided to knock on the door and say “Hola, tricko oro treato.” The ships on the other hand celebrated in full Halloween style all except the Carnival Miracle which has a nude charter and where every night could be a potential horror night.

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Tonight I will be back in my hotel room all alone again. Some of the Miami beards are great friends but they have their families to go home to and some are traveling and away from Miami. And so it’s me and my TV and shows like Star Trek. Yep, as there was bugger all in I watched Star Trek and I have never realised until the other night when I watched back-to-back episodes on late night TV just what a horny sod William Shatner was. (more…)

So as you know I am in Miami. Considering I need to travel to the office for meetings with beards and visits to Walgreens to stock up on hemorrhoid cream and the fact that walking is against the law in Miami, I decided to hire a car. Now I went to the concierge desk at the Intercontinentalarriothyatt where I am staying because a sign told me that they had a Hertz car hire on site and the concierge asked if I’d like to see the “car menu.” What? There’s a car menu? Brilliant. Of course I’d like to see the car menu. Jose the concierge then produced a leather bound folder and inside a choice of cars was exquisitely laid out like our steakhouse menu. At the top, as if it were a Gordon Ramsay signature dish, was a list of Hertz Prestige Cars which included a Mercedes sports car for $1,000 a minute. At the bottom, like it was a child’s portion of chicken nuggets at McDonalds, was a tiny Toyota Bollockthing that you could hire for just under $24 a year. There was also the car I really wanted on the menu, a Ford Mustang GT, the car menu equivalent of a Guy Fieri Burger with all the trimmings.

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I don’t know about America and Canada and Australia and Botswana but here in the UK, morning television is utter rubbish. Take this morning on a show called ummmm……”This Morning” where the subject was men’s underpants. Now this you would have thought should have been something that got my complete attention but it didn’t. That’s because the item in the show was hosted by a lady in her mid-thirties who was an editor of some woman’s magazine Hair and Beauty, Beauty and Garden, Slim Hair, Garden and Men are Bastards or something like that and she was telling me what underpants I should be wearing. Why is this allowed? If a man came on the same show and started talking about women’s knickers, he would, be cast as a fully paid up member of the steamed up glasses association who probably knows about ladies underwear because he wears a crotchless pair himself. Yet here we have this Chanel-wearing fashion editor talking about men’s underpants and everyone seems OK with that.

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Apart from the odd bad diabetic low energy day and my bleeding hemorrhoid who has been with me since the Carnival Splendor’s delivery and whom I now call Horatio…….my time on the Carnival Magic was spent in relatively good health. Yes, my carpool tunnel thingy is ongoing and I will have more news on this shortly but overall I had a good four months. So it was then sod’s law that said the moment I stepped off the plane that would change. And it did.

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It’s nearly time for me to go home and I shall talk about the ports and the ship herself in a moment. I will definitely miss the team here as they have been an absolute joy to work alongside. But as always they are younger than me and while we are friends and I would help them whenever asked, they will never become, well, you know…….best friends…..friends for life or BFF as spotty kids call it these days. Back when I was young, in the eighties, I spent every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday with the same group of eight mates. We would go to the same pub together and drink, laugh, drink some more, laugh a lot more and at one point we even formed a band. We all knew that whatever life presented that we would all be friends forever.

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This cruise is the first one for some weeks where we have very few children on board – 95 in fact. And while 94 of them are having a brilliant time in the ports of call and at Camp Carnival, Circle “C,” and Club O2, there is one 12-year-old here on the Carnival Magic who is doing none of the above…………and we shall call her Annie.

Here is a message from Annie’s mother.

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