Weather challenge

June 9, 2016 -

John Heald -

14 Comments

Hello everyone, I am glad to see some of you enjoyed the “Live from My Garden” video on my Facebook page yesterday and, with so many views, I guess I will do another one soon, so tune for something called “Live from My Shower” or, to give it a bit of a Disney feel, “Join John Live From His Shower As He Proves That It Is Indeed….A Small World.” Seriously though, I will do another one soon so join me then and I will have live news and take some questions too. (more…)

Hurricane season

June 8, 2016 -

John Heald -

5 Comments

A very good morning to you all, as it’s June, it’s time to talk about the weather. Yep, hurricane season. It’s hard to think about hurricane season when you are sitting in your underpants writing from the UK where hurricanes are as rare as finding an Apple store in an Amish community. (more…)

Just Do It

December 3, 2015 -

John Heald -

84 Comments

Hello everyone. My name is John Heald . I am ugly, and have thighs that could hold up an oil rig. I also have the best job in the world, I am the Senior Cruise Director and Brand Ambassador for Carnival Cruise Line

Over the past 29 years I have worked on our ships and watched the company grow and continued to watch the guests have extraordinary off the charts fun.

Cruising with Carnival allows something that the world we live in tries to suffocate more and more every day and that is worrying about what others may think of us, what we do, what we say and how we live our lives. (more…)

On October 4, I will board the Carnival Dream to host the first of many Carnival Journeys voyages which are selling very well, I am happy to say. For those of you who are not aware of what “Carnival Journeys” cruises are all about, let me quickly tell you. They are longer-length voyages that will feature special entertainment both local to the ports of call and entertainment designed by Carnival. These cruises will also have lots of features such as interaction with the captain and department heads, local cuisine and, of course, the much anticipated flashback to 1987 day, of which I shall speak more of in a moment. (more…)

DEBARKATION MORNING WITH KETUT

August 3, 2015 -

John Heald -

44 Comments

We start today with this comment:

Robert Lang
I have always felt that after tip night, we were treated like second class citizens and made to feel like you no longer matter and the way you are pushed off the ship by the endless announcements is degrading to me. My cabin steward could not wait to get us off the ship. He knocked on our door TWICE!!

Thanks, Robert, and although I absolutely disagree with your suggestion that service from our brilliant crew diminishes on the last night, I can sort of understand what you mean by the announcements and the whole debarkation process…………..oh, by the way, the gratuities you so graciously leave our crew via your Sail & Sign card are not paid on the last night of the cruise but collected by the crew two days after the cruise is over.

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PET-SHOP

August 1, 2015 -

John Heald -

56 Comments

So next week, I will be back in the office, meeting my new assistant and meeting many, many beards. I am very lucky that, in my role as brand ambassador for Carnival Cruise Line, I am afforded health insurance through the company and for that I am very grateful although I hope that I will never need it. My only experience of American hospitals was when I was a cruise director and Heidi and I rented a villa in Orlando and she trapped her finger in the sliding doors that led out to the pool.After I had called her a clumsy bastard, I noticed that her finger looked like Tom’s after Jerry had given him the good news by dropping an iron on it. And so we went off to see if George Clooney was working at the Orlando ER. Heidi was denied treatment at the hospital because the receptionist’s computer refused to acknowledge that the United Kingdom existed. Even though I had a wad of cash and a wallet full of credit cards, she was prepared to let Heidi’s finger explode all over her desk because her stupid sodding software only recognised addresses in the United States.

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DRESSING THE CAPTAIN

July 28, 2015 -

John Heald -

54 Comments

I am going to start today’s blog by opening a huge can of “Whoop John’s Flaccid Arse” because I am going to once again and for the 708,757,877 time …… talk about elegant night again. I know this subject may bore some people and I know that the CC artist formally known as H82SEAUGO now rejuvenated as SeeBurd will enjoy sticking his tiny, miniscule sized pin in my voodoo doll again but here I go anyway. I also have to mention that this is my opinion, not Carnival Cruise Line (noticed we have now officially dropped the S so now it is just Line) and, in this case, I am speaking for me, the chubby Brit cruise director with a bent tooth and hemorrhoids the size of a baby yak. You see, on my Facebook page these past weeks, I have read lots of comments about elegant night and the changes that have been made.

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I, Claudia

July 21, 2015 -

John Heald -

59 Comments

As you know, I have just returned from the Carnival Paradise and I have to say it was so good to be on a Fantasy-class ship again. I was part of the delivery teams for Carnival Ecstasy, Carnival Sensation and Carnival Imagination so I have special feelings for this class of ship. I was also lucky enough to stay on in a guest cabin. On Carnival Paradise, I was in an ocean view cabin on Riviera Deck and was a big, spacious cabin for sure. I’ve been traveling a lot recently and I’m always quite surprised by the amount of noise some guests in make when they are walking down the corridors both in a hotel and yes, even on our ships.

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I met a hero yesterday here on the Carnival Paradise. His name is Alan and he is 12 years old.

It was a meeting by chance after the show last night with his parents, Sally and Anthony, and their eight-year-old daughter, Megan. They came to see me having recognised me from previous cruises. During our conversation I learnt about Alan and what he had done to earn the title I just gave him of “hero.”

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I have never been able to understand anyone of the male species who purchases something for practical reasons. I imagine him to have far too much time on his hands and most likely he is wearing a pair of sandals. How can they spend an entire morning reading online reviews of washing machines? But even worse, who the sodding heck can be bothered to write an online review of a washing machine? They’re all the same. They’re white and boxy and after they’ve finished making your underpants clean, they beep, telling your wife it’s time to empty it and put it in the other white boxy thing next to it that dries the underpants so they are ready to wear for another week or two.

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Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved

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