Now that system has been replaced with……well, I haven’t a clue actually because I just press on my Microsoft Outlook icon and regardless if I am at home sitting on the toilet or in the lounge watching Peppa Pig with Kye, my emails are there. It’s brilliant. Except it isn’t. It’s crap.

I say that because when I tried to log on today it would not let me…….. because my password had expired. OK, fair enough. All I had to do then would be create a new password. Simple. But it’s not. It’s a simple as asking Stevie Wonder to knit you a sweater. That’s because my laptop told me I had to be logged onto the Carnival network to do this, which considering I am staying at a nondescript and soulless hotel here in Philadelphia (more on that later), was impossible.

I called the CCL technical support desk which is open 24 hours a day which is a good thing because jet leg had me calling them at 5.45am in the morning. These guys are great and I thank Jose who helped me and for his patience with someone who obviously is to computers as what some news programs are to fair and unbiased reporting. But what wasn’t so good was when Jose asked me to create a new password.

You see, for years my password for everything was “bollocks” but, with brilliant cunning, typing the “o” as a zero, I told Jose this and he said that I shouldn’t do this as the password wasn’t strong enough and basically using the word “bollocks” as much as I do on public domains like this and Facebook was easy for others to guess.

I don’t know about you but I hate having to try and remember sodding passwords. PIN numbers, security ID codes and bank account numbers. I’m constantly clicking on to click “Forgotten your password?” but how much information can a fat thick bloke like me be expected to store?

Anyway, upon Jose’s orders, I typed in my new chosen password but received a bollocking telling me that “Ilovekye” is “weak” and I must add numbers and capital letters. I hate this because it means you end up with a password like “nipple@2zitS,” which you instantly forget unless you write it on a big Post It note which you stick on top of the computer which I am guessing rather defeats the objective.

I hear though that salvation is on hand and just like we have facial recognition photo computers on the Dream class ships so facial recognition will soon allow you to open your laptop. And passwords will be like my sex life — a thing of the past. Until then I will have to continue to use my new password which is “MeganF0xBum4me”……..but I guess now I have told you I will have to change it again…..bugger.

Let’s do some Q and A….off we go.

Debbie McGinnis asked:
John,

I have been following your blog for a short time. While the Carnival Liberty was in dry dock I enjoyed your updates! I sailed on the Carnival Liberty 10-29-11 and just returned home! Fun Ship 2.0 is amazing! We loved all the changes, but I have to say that Guy’s Burger bar was my fav! Our CD Butch was great! He kept us so informed and entertained all week! This was my sixth cruise (all with Carnival) and I just got home and started looking for my seventh! Of course, being from Oklahoma, I was welcomed home with a 5.6 earthquake last night! This was also my first visit to Half Moon Cay and I LOVED IT! The beach was beautiful, the food amazing of course, and the entertainment terrific! I just wanted to tell you thanks for your blog. I enjoy every word you post and thank you for not posting pictures of yourself in your underwear while you’re responding to our comments!

John says:
Hello Debbie McGinnis

What a brilliant way to start today’s Q&A. I am so glad you found the blog and that it helped prepare you for your cruise on Carnival Liberty and, of course, I am thrilled that you had such fun. Guy Fieri’s burgers are brilliant and so many people think like you and have commented that the addition of Guy’s Burger Joint was one of the main highlights of the 2.0 upgrades. Thanks so much then for the kind words and I hope it won’t be long until we see you again very soon and if we don’t I will be sad and will probably post that photo.

Best wishes.

John

Ann Thornburgh asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know my granddaughter and I just got off the Carnival Liberty 11/5/11. What a great cruise. Loved all the 2.0 changes and also tried several of the new menu items…….delicious! Butch and Amy (aka) 6-3 were fantastic. Only real surprise was how rough the seas were…….probably the worst I have ever encountered. My granddaughter and I just laughed while we lurched back and forth. Our cabin steward Rocky and dining room waiter Cesar took very good care of us. Once again, Carnival provided us with a great vacation!

John says:
Hello Ann Thornburgh

Well that’s two in a row about the Carnival Liberty which gets an A I think rather than a D as mentioned above. I am so glad you had fun and that was despite the rough weather which there seemed to be a lot of during the last few weeks of 2011. I loved that you had such a positive attitude though and I hope you and your granddaughter had a brilliant time together and we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carston asked:
John,

Your internet service on the Carnival Dream sucks. It’s slow and expensive and didn’t work at all one night and the excuse was that there was a satellite fault blah blah blah. Internet should be a priority to Carnival but it is obviously not because IT SUCKS!

John says:
Hello Carston

Let’s start by saying that if you were told that the Internet was not working because of a satellite problem then I promise you that was the reason. All of the major cruise lines obtain their internet service from the same company which is operated and maintained through their service station in New Jersey, although I have no idea what exit. If the satellite system is having problems or the weather in New Jersey is bad then yes we do lose signal I am afraid and my apologies for this happening during your cruise. I agree the shipboard internet is certainly slower compared to what we’re used to on land and hopefully the industry will improve and we’ll get faster service one day. I hope you had a great cruise despite this.

Best wishes.

John

Dale Cynoweth asked:
John, We’re sailing on the Carnival Breeze in July and hope you will be the cruise director as me and my DW love your blogs and would love to see you in person. My question involves the call at Naples. We are considering the all day tour to Pompeii/Sorrento/Capri and although my DW and I are fit enough we are in our early seventies and I am concerned it may be too much for us and would appreciate your opinion, John. Thanks so much.

John says:
Hello Dale Cynoweth

I am very excited that you will be joining me on the Carnival Breeze and I am going to say that I am positive that you will love the ship and will have a great time. The excursion you mentioned is a fantastic one and includes a full tour of the ruins in Pompeii followed by shopping in stunning Sorrento and then lunch which is included in the price. You then take a private boat to the beautiful island of Capri. It is a fantastic tour but will it be too much for you? Well, it will most probably be hot and there is quite a bit of walking in Pompeii and Capri so please give all of this careful consideration. You may want to think about taking Pompeii with Sorrento but not Capri or indeed one of the other combinations. Please let me know if you have any questions and I will indeed see you very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Alan T asked:
Hello John.

I wanted to stop by and tell you about my son. You may or may not remember him but he was seriously injured by an IED in Afghanistan while serving in the Marines. You helped arrange a special wedding proposal on the Carnival Dream and made his cruise so memorable. I wanted to let you know they were married this week in a beautiful ceremony in Buffalo, NY. He is getting used to his prosthetic leg and I am very proud of him. He and Diane send their very best to you and I will always protect you against those few idiots who have nothing but hatred for you and Carnival. Thanks John, you are one in a million.

John says:
Hello Alan T

I do indeed remember your son and the wonderful proposal that thanks to my colleague and fellow CD Butch we were able to provide for him. I am so thrilled that he is doing well and that both he and his new bride are healthy and happy. I truly appreciate your son’s service and I wish him and his wife many happy years together.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Paul Marshall asked:

I am amazed at how many times I read here or on other forums, cruisers holding you responsible for their problems, or wanting you to fix everything for them. My family and I will be sailing the Carnival Liberty on March 31, 2012, which will be our fourth Carnival cruise together….Carnival Spirit to Hawaii, Carnival Destiny, and Carnival Valor to the western Caribbean being the others. We were on one of the first fateful Carnival Destiny “propulsion issue” cruises when we could not make Grand Turk due to being under half a head of steam. There was a near riot at guest services that day, but we didn’t let it ruin our vacation, however, we were disappointed about not going to Grand Turk. We now are hoping to finally get there with the Carnival Liberty, and have also lucked out having booked her far in advance of the 2.0 announcements. Although, I would not consider myself a Carnival “Cheerleader,” I can’t imagine finding a better value for our precious vacation dollars……Thanks for all of your reporting of the dry-dock goings on!

John says:
Hello Paul Marshall

It’s great to hear from you and I am so glad you have kept on cruising and we really appreciate this so much. You will love the 2.0 upgrades and if there is anything I can do for you before you sail please let me know. I know the term Carnival “Cheerleader” comes from another website and that it is used by people in a derogatory way because they feel there is something wrong with standing up and shouting out loud that Carnival continues to provide affordable vacations. There is nothing wrong with cheering for Carnival and we love it when people do. It would be fantastic to sail with you again Paul and I hope that happens one day and if there is anything you need before you cruise before you sail again please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

MissT asked:

First, I want to say I love your blog and FB page. You definitely make things about cruising funny and Carnival should consider you a big asset. I have read a lot about rum runners and how many passengers seem to have managed to smuggle them on. I don’t expect you to approve of this John but please understand I am a care worker and don’t earn a big salary. This will be my first proper vacation and I can’t afford drinks at the prices you charge so I am going to smuggle some booze which is why I haven’t used my real name on this LOL. My question is that if I do get caught smuggling rum runners will I be thrown off the ship? Please let me know. Thanks, John.

John says:
Hello MissT

Thanks for taking the time to write to me and I totally understand that this is your first cruise and that you are on a budget. Obviously we don’t allow you to smuggle alcohol on board and while you won’t be thrown off the ship, the liquor will be confiscated by our security team. That said, wouldn’t advise on smuggling liquor. It seems to me that you are already stressing somewhat about the cruise. I promise you it will be a wonderful and memorable vacation. I hope you have a great time and thanks so much for the very kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Kelvin Butchko asked:

My wife and family (seven of us) will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I would like you to do something for a very special person who is going to be with us, my daughter Colleen. Colleen will be joining the USAF and this is our last family vacation before she starts her training and I would like you to send her a gift. Important: She does not drink alcohol so a T-shirt or maybe some free photos for her of the family to take with her would be great. Colleen will be in 6294 and I am in 6308.

John says:
Hello Kelvin Butchko
I see you are on the ship as of yesterday and have asked the cruise director to send a copy of this message and my reply to your cabin. You must be very proud of your daughter and please wish her all the best from me would you. I am sure I can find something to send her and I wish you all a brilliant family vacation.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Please let me know if there is anything you need and of course the quickest way to contact me for a pretty immediate response is via my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/johnheald. Thanks everyone.

So here I am in Philadelphia and learning all about Hasbro, The Game Show which is our new game show that debuts later this year. The last time I was here was to film a Carnival commercial that involved a huge piñata, two tons of candy and the local baseball team winning the super series bowl championship series and the local fans celebrating in a very….ummmm…. raucous….way. Last time I was here I stayed in the Four Seasons but this time I’m at a different hotel which has beautiful views of the runway, loud crap……….sorry rap music in the elevators and a toilet that is so low to the ground that even Joe Pesci, Napoleon and Snow White’s seven friends would find it difficult to sit on the sodding thing. It’s hip and it’s trendy though and there are three different ways of eating tofu on the menu.

We are here, of course, to learn the ins and outs of the new Hasbro-themed activities which will be introduced on the Carnival Breeze and then be part of the ships that have Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades on them. There will be a full evening dedicated to the show and I have to say that it’s going to be a great night of fun and excitement. The sets are huge and the games really will be crowd pleasers for sure. I will tell you more in the weeks ahead but for now have a look at this photo and you will no doubt see our life-size adaptation of the classic board game Operation. And see which CD’s and ACD’s you recognize.

Now for those who hate listening to me moan about flying please skip down a few lines or go make yourself a cup of coffee would you because I am going to have a bloody good moan again. The flight to get here was long and it was boring and bugger me $2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie called Aliens and Cowboys or something and a movie I might add that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, vegetarians and anyone with a pulse it lasted 30 minutes. The food was……..well I can’t really call it food. Honestly it was awful. It was chicken something and it was cold and tasted of anything but chicken. This then was my birthday meal, yep, yesterday was my birthday and I spent it eating rubbish at 34,000 feet.

The lady next to me was in her fifties and had a face liked a smacked arse. Bugger me she was grumpy. After the plane took off the captain turned off the seat belt sign and I asked Miss Grumpypants if she didn’t mind getting out of her aisle seat so I could get to my carry on as I wanted to get my portable DVD player. She looked at me as though I had suggested we get naked in the toilet and join the mile high club together. She glared and made a “huummppphhh” sound and reluctantly stood up and allowed me out of the seat all the time making “tutting” noises while she waited. I grabbed the DVD player and sat down as quickly as I could ………. she was one scary woman …..why couldn’t I just once….…sit next to a Latvian who was so scared of flying she needed me to hold her thigh during takeoff and landing. It was a really bumpy flight and we really did hit some huge pot holes and I arrived in Philadelphia to see white stuff covering the city and brown stuff covering the inside of my underpants.

I will be telling you more this week about what I am doing here in Philly and about Hasbro, The Game Show that is going to be a monster hit I am sure. I also will in the days ahead be telling you about some exciting news for 2013 and how the piano bars across the fleet will be — even more than usual — the place to be. Plus there will be other news and stories from the world we love and that of course is the brilliant world of cruising.

It goes without saying that I miss Heidi and Kye something awful. Two-and-a-half years ago while on the Carnival Splendor I slipped and fell on top of Heidi and now we have Kye, the most precious thing in my life. Heidi loves her and she is her everything but didn’t enjoy me slipping and landing on top of her. I was at my heaviest back then and Heidi still describes that slip and fall as having a large closet fall on top of her…………..with the key still in the lock.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anton Mircea asked:

I am a lover of fine wines Mr. Heald and while I think your wine list on the Carnival Dream was acceptable and had some decent choices the knowledge of the servers in both your restaurant and the steak restaurant was pitiful. The boy from India who served me was inept to the tenth degree and his knowledge was less than basic and never once did he try and recommend a wine to go with the food. This may be because most of your “clients” were drinking beer or soda with dinner. I expected more though when my partner Colin and I dined in the steakhouse. We asked his thoughts on the Stag’s Leap Cabernet Sauvignon. I asked the sommelier to describe the wine and he said and, I quote, Mr. Heald, “It’s very good.” Any decent sommelier, anyone who knows anything about wine would have said “It has round supple tannins wrapped around layers of blackberry, espresso and black truffle.” I may sound like a wine snob here Mr. Heald but even if that were true I would think that Carnival Cruise Lines would want to have the ability to showcase its wine selection and not have it served by people from third world countries whose wine knowledge is miniscule. I would also like to mention to you that while we did enjoy the cruise overall the Friends Of Dorothy meetings were held whilst my partner and I were at the late session of anytime dining which shows very bad and inconsiderate scheduling.

John says:
Hello Anton Mircea.

Please allow me to start with the final part of your question about the scheduling of the Friends of Dorothy meeting. I spoke to Gary the cruise director and he explained that the meeting was held every night at 10 pm in the piano bar and indeed had no finishing time. This maybe where the problem comes from as maybe we didn’t explain this properly and you may have thought that by the time dinner was over that so was the Friends of Dorothy function. My apologies for the confusion there.

And so onto the wine. I am glad you thought the wine selection was good and yet I was very surprised to read about your thoughts on the wine sommelier in the steakhouse.  I will admit that the waiters in the main dining room are by no means wine stewards and perhaps it might be beneficial to expand their wine knowledge with some additional training. I was though very surprised about your comment regarding the wine server in the steakhouse as they do have extensive training given to them and have what I thought was excellent knowledge of wine. Anton, you probably don’t know this but I started in the bar department and then moved to wine steward and I can tell you that back then I had no training at all. I know this isn’t normally how I answer questions here on the blog, Anton, but tell you what, pour yourself a glass of Chateau De Bollock 1989 and let me tell you my story.

I had bluffed my way through the first interview as a bar waiter in 1986 with consummate ease. The only difficult moment was when Barbara Wang, the Carnival beard who was interviewing me, asked if I knew what a Sex on the Beach was. I was about to say that since I was an ugly bastard and ignored by the entire female population of my home town and therefore I hadn’t a clue about sex on a beach, outside a fish and chip shop, on the back seat of a car, in fact anywhere when I realised that it was some sort of drink……..so I said “Of course,” smiled and she gave me the job.

If that interview was easy then the one that the Bar Manager Colin Campus gave me to become a wine steward on the M/S Holiday was even easier.

BAR MANAGER: DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT WINE?
JOHN: YES
BAR MANAGER: THAT’S YOU PROMOTED TO WINE STEWARD THEN

I of course knew nothing and I wasn’t even from a “third world country” as you described. Back then I did actually drink the odd glass but most of the wine I did drink came with a screw top and had a picture of a Blue Nun on it or if I was really living the lifestyle of the rich and tanned I would treat myself to something with a cork in it. My life as a wine steward was short lived probably because I didn’t know anything……….and I mean anything…….about wine. The only thing that got me through it was a bit of banter and a few jokes plus the fact that as little as I knew as a few of the Carnival guests during the late eighties knew even less than I did.

Thank goodness the majority of enjoyed the wine and I cannot remember too many occasions if any at all when the guest having tried the wine vomited into the wine bucket and said it was no good……………….and that always had me thinking.

When you’re out for dinner, why does the sommelier invite you to taste the wine? Why doesn’t he do it himself? You are obviously a wine expert Mr. Mircea but I think I would struggle to tell the difference between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild which costs $150 say and a lesser bottle that costs say $30. I still know nothing about viniculture and even if I did drink you could put anything in a glass and if it were chilled enough I’d be happy. I don’t drink at all anymore but when I do buy wine for occasions like Christmas when friends come over I have two very simple rules. I never spend more than $20 on a bottle, and I don’t buy anything with the words La or Chateau on it meaning of course it’s French…….I am sure they make great wine but that little man of a French president is not getting any of my money. You may not know this Anton, but me and the French don’t get along very well. I know they pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes and let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back….anyway, I digress.

When I was a wine steward we had wines from France, some from California and a few from Italy the most popular of which was Lumbrusco. I still remember this for two reasons, it was $9 a bottle and we called it Italian Coca Cola………it was our best seller. Nowadays, our restaurant and steakhouse wine menus are diverse and offer something very special to suit all tastes and budgets. I was going to apologise to you for the way that the wine steward in the steakhouse described the wine you asked about but I don’t think I can. You see if you had asked that question and he had replied, “It’s earthy, plummy and deluxe with a hint of baboon scrotum,” any non-wine expert guest would have expected maybe a more simpler answer like, “It’s an excellent wine, I highly recommend it.” Anyway, I am very glad you had a good cruise and I shall pass on your comments to our new vice president of beverage operations.

Best wishes,

John

Oh by the way. My favorite part of being a wine steward was the hours and the fun we had. We worked maybe five hours a day, we cooked in the wine cellar using little stoves and — please don’t tell anyone about this — but we would accidentally drop a bottle of good red wine every night. The wine would be reported on the “Breakage Sheet” which was sent to the F&B manager …………….we never lied or misled the boss………..we really did drop it……….but only after it was empty……….ssshhhhh.

Let’s do some more Q & A………..here we go.

Barret Roby asked:
John,

I went on my first cruise the last week of October aboard Carnival Fascination. I loved it! My wife and I are already looking at booking on a “bigger” ship next year. While on board, one of our fellow cruisers told me about your blog. I love it! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about our wonderful cabin steward Mark. We were in cabin U108. He was outstanding in every way. Extremely helpful, diligent, and courteous. If you can, I’d like you to pass along to the folks that run the Carnival Fascination, and let them know what a great employee they have in Mark.

Thanks,

Barrett Roby

John says:
Hello Barret Roby

My thanks to those guests who told you about the blog thingy and I am thrilled that you enjoy it so very much. I will make sure that the ship sees your words of praise and of course Mark who sounds like he made a brilliant impression on you. Thanks so much for telling me about him and I hope we will indeed see you on another cruise very soon and I am here to help if you need me to.

Best wishes.

John

Marius asked:
Hi John,

Here is the answer on why you were getting so many negative comments from CC members on your blog. Now I know you were right about the negative comments on your blog not being posted by the regular CC members but by other consumer web sites and message boards trying to fight back and maintain their members. I guess once your blog became popular “Goliath” felt the need to fight back against your blog and FB.

John says:
Hello Marius

I thought long and hard in trying to decide if I should post this or not but after getting a second opinion I decided I would. First of all thanks for writing and I would hope that in this huge and ever expanding cruise industry that there would be more than enough room for people to submit opinion and reviews on all the various cruise web sites and boards. If people are trying to post comments here as you suggested then it’s a good thing that I don’t print them then if as you allege many are fake. Thanks for letting me know and I hope you and your family are well, and I hope we see each other again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Claire Masonfield asked:
Hi John,

We are from the UK and sailed with P&O and Royal Caribbean this year and next year we will have our first Carnival experience when we join you on the Carnival Breeze. I have two questions. Will there be any British television as my husband is a huge news hound and hates not knowing what’s going on in the world. Can you also tell me how formal the formal night is? Will gentlemen be in dinner jackets and ladies in ball gowns? I hope not but don’t want to be under dressed or indeed over dressed. Thank you John for your help.

John says:
Hello Claire Masonfield

It will be a real pleasure to see you Claire on the Carnival Breeze. I say that because you posted your comment on December 10 so I am guessing that you will be with us this year in Europe. Please tell your husband that we have Sky News and BBC World so he will not be out of touch at all. As for elegant night it’s mostly business suits for the men and nice elegant dresses for the ladies but from my many seasons in Europe I have to say that dinner jackets (tuxedos) for the men and ball gowns for the ladies are few and far between. I hope this helps and of course we are very excited to show you the Carnival product and our brand new ship. See you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Lorna Gregson asked:

Poor service on my cruise has me really angry. I booked a shore excursion through Carnival. The only reason I took the cruise was to scuba dive in Cozumel so imagine how angry I was when my tour was cancelled the night before the dive because there were not enough people who signed up on the trip, totally screwing my shore excursion plans. To add further insult to injury, not a single person on the boat, at guest services, or shore excursions was willing to recommend a reputable local dive operator that I could deal directly with in lieu of the Carnival trip being cancelled. I felt they outright lied to me in claiming they had no knowledge of any alternative way to dive. As a result, I had to spend a ton of time (and money using their ridiculously expensive satellite internet) trying to research local dive operators. I will return to all inclusive land vacations I think.

John says:
Hello Lorna Gregson

I am sorry we had to cancel your diving excursion which as you said didn’t have enough people interested to run it. The reason the staff didn’t recommend another dive operator was that we only work with tour operators who have been fully vetted by our company and we don’t really have extensive knowledge on the other operators in port. Imagine if a guest services operator had recommended “El Sinco” dive operators and you had a bad experience or heaven forbid experience a safety issue and we were the ones who recommended the tour? I am sorry it was canceled and I hope that when you think past this you will realise you had a brilliant time and that we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrew Dubin asked:
Hi John,

Love the blog. Been reading it for about two years now and never thought I would have reason to write you.  My wife, my son and myself went on the Kiss Kruise, our eighth with Carnival and already have our ninth.  Our next puts us in the VIP realm. On the Kiss Kruise my wife went to the computer area with our son and purchased some time. She was never able to get online.  There was no one available to speak with at that time and she never made it back as it was only a four-day cruise. When I went to guest services the next day to pay my bill in cash I told the man what happened, he called someone and then told me the charge would be taken off the bill. I paid the whole bill less those computer charges. Long story short, the charge was never taken off my bill and was charged to my credit card. I called Carnival twice and told my story but the refund was denied. John, it is not about the $30 it is about someone not recognizing that here is a good customer and we need to do the right thing. I will continue on Carnival but I just wanted to let you know what happened.  By the way I have already started thinking about my next cruise. Customer Service may not have done the right thing but I still have a great time on the cruises.

John says:
Hello Andrew Dubin

I heard the Kiss Kruise was fantastic and I would love to be on the next one with you. I am very sorry to read about your internet problem and I am going to be sending this to a colleague now for their review. Thanks for letting me know and someone will be in touch soon. Thanks for the kind words about the blog and my best wishes to you all.

John

Dianne asked:

I have a quick question regarding the platinum gifts. My friend and I are traveling together next month for our girl’s getaway. She and I are both platinum, but not related. Will we receive one platinum gift to share or will we each get one? After seeing the new gift on Facebook today, I sure hope I get to it before she does if we only get one! (We are sailing the Carnival Imagination, booking number ******) Thanks for all you do, John. You are such a wonderful asset to Carnival!

John says:
Hello Dianne

Many thanks to you both for your loyalty and of course you will both receive Platinum gifts which should in fact be the new beach bag. I hope you enjoy them and please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. Thanks so very much for the kind words that was so lovely of you.

Best wishes.

John

Drew Manzi asked:
John,

My cruise on the Carnival Magic was awesome. Thank you so much for the ship on a stick and thank you John for helping me with the photo of Captain Cutugno which is on my bedroom wall. I can’t wait to July and we are going on the Carnival Valor and can you help me with my captain’s photo collection please please please.

John says:
Hello Drew Manzi

I am so glad you had fun and of course I will be honoured to help you again with a photo of the captain. Please make sure you remind me here or on Facebook and I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrea Gillett asked:
Hi John,

Will you be the CD on the 2/5/12 sailing of the Carnival Magic? We hope so! We sailed with you on the Carnival Dream in Feb 2010 and had a blast…do you remember “I love you more than corn?”  That was the cruise we were on!!! I won the cruise trophy for the trivia game.  Looking forward to sailing with Carnival again!

John says:
Hello Andrea Gillett

I remember that quote very well and indeed I will be with you on the Carnival Magic and I will do all I can to make this the most brilliant of cruises for you. See you soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Jerry asked:

Hey there John I have been a cruiser on Carnival for over six years. I have seen some really good changes on the ships I have gone on. I have asked you this same question before but have never seen it addressed. I was wondering if you could see if Carnival is going to change their age limits on their Club O2 where after the kids turn 18 to 20 can’t get into the Club O2 anymore because of their age being to old? have talked to some of them at that age and they are lost on what to do since they can’t get into the clubs anymore cause of their ages and can’t drink at all which I understand that part. Would also like to know what did they really do as an upgrade to the Carnival Elation this time because I have friends that just got on there and say nothing has changed at all. They don’t see any upgrades at all. Please address all I have asked you on Facebook and your blog. will be resailing on Carnival Elation in Feb. thanks john

John says:
Hello Jerry

I think we have spoken recently on Facebook, have we not? There are no plans at the moment to change the age range of Club O2 as it’s very popular and successful in its current form. But we do realise that we need to work harder on the 18 – 20-year-old group. Now we tried having meet and greet sessions and scheduled activities for this age group but honestly Jerry, nobody ever came and it seemed that the vast majority were happy to go to the nightclub and other lounges and meet new friends and have fun without our structured assistance. However there is no doubt that there are some of this age who maybe shy and do need a bit of help to get the friendships going. What would help is a specific lounge or area of the ship where 18-20-year olds can simply meet, no events or staff, just a place to sit and chat. This is what we are looking at doing at the moment and I will let you know what’s happening in this regard and please Jerry, if you have any suggestions please let me know.

Best wishes and have fun on the Carnival Elation

John

And that’s all for today

On Facebook yesterday, I posted something that I wanted to put here as well as I am aware that not everyone reads that page. Here it is:

In 2011 was there one Carnival crew member or shoreside employee who you think deserves the title of ” employee of the year?” if so and in 100 words or less please tell the beards and I who deserves this title and why and the winner will be judged by what you say. It may have been an act of fun or kindness or something special so please tell me who, if anyone, should win the title. Voting will close at 6pm EST on Monday the 16th. Please don’t vote for Gerry Cahill or me as we are judging this. Thanks everyone. If there is someone you would like to nominate please let me know here if you haven’t already done so on Facebook and my thanks for doing so. I will announce the winner soon.

I have been asked a lot on Facebook this past week about if or not we will be showing the football games on the ships and of course we will be. And on the ships that have the Seaside Theatre big screens some of the games will be shown there as well as in the sports bars. Now, I enjoy a bit of American football but never having played I do not have the first bloody clue what’s going on. I have no idea why it’s called football when only one man uses his feet and I have no idea how the heck any player understands the enigma of codes that the quarterback shouts out to the rest of the players. Just when I think I understand what’s happened and what’s going to happen next the game stops to allow for seven hours of advertising for Budweiser, Depends and antacid pills which may stop your stomach feeling like you have eaten a bowl of chilies coated in chili sauce with chilies on the top but side effects may include uncontrollable diarrhea, headaches and bed wetting. Anyway, given that I’m not a football fan I don’t understand is why a few of these posters make it sound like a total disaster if there game isn’t shown on their cruise.

Last week I asked the Facebookers if they had to choose between watching the Super Bowl or having dinner in the dining room and seeing a show what they would do. I was I must say gobsmacked at the number of people who said they would watch the football on Lido while munching on a hot dog. Anyway the games will be shown and here is the schedule on all the ships for this coming cruise.

So I am leaving my family one week earlier than I thought because on January 22 I will be flying from London to Philadelphia for a week before then flying on the 28th to Houston ready to join the Carnival Magic. The reason I am going to Philadelphia is to spend a week with some of the Carnival beards and CD’s Butch Begovitch and Ryan Fitzgerald. Joining us there will be the folks from Hasbro who as you know we have joined in a brilliant partnership to bring their game show fun to the ships.

The first ship to get this will be Carnival Breeze so I have to learn it and in case I drop dead from Ebola or if I have been whacked by environmentalists, Butch and I think one other CD to be named has to learn it as well. Now I am not sure why I have to spend a week learning this but apparently it’s not just a question of me going out on stage and telling stupid jokes while the Smith family from Michigan try and win a $1 ship on a stick. Nope, the sets are apparently huge and the prizes amazing and of course I have to understand the technical aspects of the show which means that it’s going to be a disaster as I am to technology what according to Anton is to wine. So it’s going to be fun and I will be of course telling you and showing you all about the game show which regardless of whether my fat arse understands it all going to be absolutely brilliant.

So I am flying on January 22 which is my birthday which when I told Heidi was met with some tears as she had apparently planned something special for me which as I sit here in my underpants she is desperately trying to re-arrange and I feel a total bastard again for buggering off. I will see them in March when they come for the bloggers cruise but after being home for two months it’s time for me to get back to work. Flying on my birthday doesn’t really bother me but what does is the ticket I was sent yesterday. Let me explain. My ticket says I am flying with one airline but I am actually flying with another airline. I asked the lovely lady Maureen who is in charge of our immense crew travel program and she explained it was called “code sharing” and it happens all the time she explained. Well what a load of bollocks. You see I am booked to fly with British Airways, fully expecting when I read the email ticket Maureen sent me that my flaccid arse would be wedged into an economy seat on a British Airways plane. What a plonker I am though. How naive. Because despite Carnival having booked a flight with British Airways, I will in fact be travelling on a flight with American Airlines. Why? Because they were “code sharing.”

Now at this point I can hear various anti-Johns sitting in their mother’s basement shouting at their computer screens telling me to shut up. It’s a plane, sit there and stop moaning you fat bastard. Well, I would do if maybe I was in first class and being pampered with caviar, have a choice of 3,098 movies and to be able to sleep on a luxurious seat that folds all the way down and where a sexy flight attendant called April will tuck me in and massage my feet. But I am not. I am in economy and the one thing that I really, really like about BA is that they have screens at the back of the seats. On American they don’t. They have overhead monitors showing bits of NBC shows and which if you were to watch for eight hours your neck would be locked into position.

I don’t get it. If I’d wanted to fly American Airlines, I’d have asked Carnival to book me on American Airlines. It’s simple isn’t it. Can you imagine if Carnival did this? You book a Carnival cruise only to discover we are code sharing with AIDA and you spend your vacation on a great cruise but surrounded by naked Germans. Code sharing my arse!

So I have one week left before the adventure begins and while I will spend the week away from writing a blog until Monday January 24 I will be on Facebook each and every day posting the news, the Carnival Spirit dry dock news and answering all your questions. Thanks for your continuing friendship and company and I am off to drink a glass of Mad Dog 20/20.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I argued that when Heidi and Kye come and sail, who will look after the dog? That was always an excellent argument because I played on Heidi’s girly heart strings telling her how lonely the dog would be when we put it in a kennel and how it would be fed yak intestines and have nobody to play with. But then my sister went and bought a house with two acres of land and two dogs and a sodding horse to go with it stating that if we bought a dog it could, “Come and stay with them.” And that was me buggered then.

So we are getting a dog, a German shepherd to be precise, and I will enter the mysterious world of dog owners.

I guess there are many reasons why people choose to own a dog. To stop a wife’s endless sodding nagging; for companionship, as an excuse to take the occasional walk. I met a chap recently who says he bought a dog to replace his wife who had sadly passed away. And I’m sorry but I don’t understand this. I understand the companionship part of it to a degree but how can a dog possibly do that? It can’t cook, or iron, although if it is a smart dog I guess you could train it to pick your dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.

Don’t get me wrong, I know getting a dog will be a good thing for Heidi and Kye and certainly with me away so much a big old German shepherd would give a huge sense of security to our home. But I know that Heidi will pour love and affection onto the little cute puppy because that’s what we humans do and sometimes I think that we love animals a lot more than we love people. And the animal we love most of all is the dog. Dogs make us go all fluffy in the head. No really……..think about it.

Take your average disaster movie……….like 2012. In the film thousands of people are killed by a devastating tsunami. But not to worry because we are treated to a close up of the heroine’s dog boarding a rescue ship just in time. Then you have Armageddon in which giant meteorites destroy most of New York. But this is no problem because when the destruction is over, we see that the dog that we thought had been killed is in fact perfectly all right since it was only people that die a horrible death.

Yep, we love dogs and now it’s my turn to love them as well. I am sure owning one will have its good points. It will bark and growl and bite the head off anyone who tries to do my family harm. In the evening it will lay down on its rug looking all sweet and cuddly. And all it demands in return for its sweetness and its work as a bodyguard is a place to do a crap and a bowl full of food.

But supposing we chose a dog that isn’t like that. Supposing we choose a dog that turns out to be violent. She is very violent. Seriously, I worry about this. Last year my mate Danny bought a dog I am not sure what make it was but it was big bugger with teeth. Danny bought it for basically the same reason as I will be buying one, security for his family as he also travels a lot for business. But in the first year, the dog had eaten the young lad who delivers the newspapers, the mailman and had tried to kill his Uncle Harold. No, don’t laugh, it’s true. His 80-year-old Uncle Harold was visiting and sneezed really loudly and Danny’s dog went for him and when I visited it would always have a face that would say, “Who the f**k are you looking at ?

Basically this dog was Joe Pesci.

I mentioned this to Heidi but to no avail, we are getting a dog and a male dog at that which means we will have to go through the whole leg humping thing and the humiliation of walking a male dog in heat as he tries to do doggie rumpy pumpy with an unsuspecting female poodle. And it won’t just be other dogs he will try and mount, nope, it will be the washing machine, the keyhole in the front door, me, Kye’s friends. Yep, it will hump anyone and everyone’s leg ……………..even mine ………..but like all living things that try and have rumpy pumpy with me …………it will do so with its eyes closed.

Heidi has not thought this through. She thinks the worst thing that could happen is that the dog will unravel the toilet roll or that the cheeky thing may during its toilet training drop a dog turd in my Nikes. No dog breeder or rescue dog center ever tells a prospective customer that one day the cute little ball of fluff in which they’re interested will try to have rumpy pumpy with a vacuum cleaner.

This is the reality of dog ownership. Turds and piss everywhere. Mess. Huge expense and the constant desire to hump something. Actually, thinking about it, why does Heidi want a dog? She’s got me……….there’s no real difference.

Time for some Q and A…..here we go

Joanne asked:
Hi John,

Love your blog and comments on Facebook – you’re a credit to Carnival!
My husband and I recently got married (after 16 years together) on
9/11 – we wanted to make the day memorable for good reasons We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor from Miami on February 4, 2012 and I would love to know if there is something special that can be arranged on our cruise. It doesn’t have to be anything big nor costly but I would like to surprise my husband since we will be celebrating our honeymoon on the cruise.
Would you also happen to know who the CD will be on that sailing? Keep writing your honest and hilarious blogs and would love to meet up with you one day if our paths should cross while on board. This will be our third cruise on board Carnival and we look forward to many more.

Thanks again,

Joanne

Johns says:
Hello Joanne,

That is a very special and very memorable day to get married, Jo and I wish you many happy years together. At the time of writing, I don’t have the CD schedule yet. There have been many unexpected changes we have had to make but hopefully this week I can post it here on the blog. I will ask you to post your cabin number a week before you sail on my Facebook page and I will gladly send you a honeymoon gift. Thanks for writing and for your kind words.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nikki Gazis asked:
Hi John,

First let me say thank you.. I enjoy your posts and blogs!!!! I took my first cruise with Carnival in 2008… I am planning on my 16th Carnival cruise in January and am concerned about the loyalty program and how I will be affected… (Selfish huh?? LOL).. Is there any place that I can read about the new policy???

Thanks so so much!!!!

Nikki

John says:
Hello Nikki Gazis,

It’s absolutely not selfish at all, Nikki, because your loyalty means a lot to you and of course to us as well. I am sure you will have read my recent blogs and Facebook posts that have stated that there will be four levels and while I can’t tell you what those levels will be based on just yet, I can tell you that anyone close to the next level based on the current loyalty program will have their status protected. Please don’t worry and if there is anything else you need before you cruise again, please let me know. There will be more information on the loyalty program very soon.

Best wishes.

John

William Marrin asked:
John,

On my recent Freedom cruise I was severely embarrassed by the cabin boy. My wife and I were in cabin 6398 and had as we do in hotels we immediately put the do not disturb sign on the door. We are very particular people and do not want strangers touching our personal possessions. We do not need bed sheet changes and new towels as we protect the environment we live in. Your passengers should know that new towels every day is a disgrace. The planet needs help now and if we do nothing, then the temperature rise could be 7 degrees within a century, at which point the survival of our species will be in the balance. The reason we were embarrassed though was even though the do not disturb sign was on the door, the cabin boy knocked on our door at 5:30pm while we were resting from our day ashore. We did not hear the knock on the door until it was too late and the cabin boy was inside. We asked him to leave immediately and were horrified and complained to the front desk but nothing was done. I have written to the president of Carnival Cruise Lines and was told to bring this to your attention as well. Do not disturb means exactly that, doesn’t it? I am at this time thinking of never cruising Carnival again and telling everyone I can to do the same unless I receive the proper and correct apology.

John says:
Hello William Marrin,

Thank you for your post and I can understand why you are so upset by what happened. However, I would like to explain the company’s position on this and I am sure this is what you will have heard from the guest services officers on the ship. If a do not disturb sign is left on the door for more than one straight 24-hour period, we will knock and enter the cabin. This is only done to make sure that the guests inside the cabin are well and are in no harm. This is something we are obligated to do and comes from what I can only describe as a harsh learning process. Please accept my apologies but I hope you understand that the stat room steward was only following instructions and only had your best interests at heart. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Monty R. Jones asked:
Hello John,

Just booked our cruise on the Carnival Magic for April 29, 2012 and was wondering if you were still going to be the cruise director then. I know that your life will soon be a Carnival Breeze later next year but sure was hoping that you would still be on the Carnival Magic at the end of April. Sure would like to cruise with you someday. This will be our eighth Carnival cruise and we love Carnival.

John says:
Hello Monty R Jones,

Unfortunately, I will already be in the ship yard in April and so I won’t be the CD during your wonderful Carnival Magic cruise. I am sure you will have a fantastic time and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes

John

Marge Fairweather asked:
Dear John,

My girlfriend and I (both Platinum guests) cruised on the Dream January 1-7,2011. Our CD, Butch, was the BEST we have had on all of our 14 past cruises. We want to cruise again on the Dream in February 2012 for one of those Zero birthdays but I am having a very hard time trying to determine if Butch will still be on the Dream then. I have called Miami and continue to look on the schedule and still have not been able to get any information. Can you please let me know where Butch will be during the month of Feb 2012 so that I can book our next cruise?

Please, please…

Thank you,

Really enjoy your blog – it keeps me smiling! We’ll be on Ecstasy on
Nov.12 but we look forward to sailing with Butch again.

Marge Fairweather

John says:
Hello Marge Fairweather,

I love it when guests post their admiration for my colleagues and nobody gets as many words of praise as Butch, he is truly one of a kind. Butch, though, will be on vacation come February and will then return here to the Carnival Magic which will become his ship in March. The Carnival Dream will be in the capable hands of Steve Knicley who is of course a brilliant CD who I know you will really find loads of fun. The full CD schedule will be posted soon. I see you are on board the Carnival Ecstasy so I hope you are having (had) a brilliant time.

Best wishes

John

Zac Porritt asked:

It will be a very special cruise when me and my family walk up the gang plank of the Carnival Splendor on 11/27. My wife works very hard as a nurse and it’s our 10th wedding anniversary. I heard that you do gifts and surprises so would like one delivered to my wife on 11/30 which is our actual anniversary. I didn’t know if you needed our booking number but it’s ****** and if you could decorate our cabin as well that would be a special touch for this wonderful woman. We are looking forward to our cruise and your gifts will make it extra special, I hope.

John says:
Hello Zac Porritt,

Thanks so much for booking your anniversary cruise with us and I know you will have a wonderful time. You can order cabin decorations through our bon voyage department at carnival.com or indeed give them a call and I am sorry that I can’t arrange this for you. I will though, send you an anniversary gift and wish you both the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Vic asked:
Hi John,

With all this talk of change coming to the Past Guest Program, I wondered if there was any talk of a Carnival Corp program where as a Princess and Carnival cruiser my points would count for both?

John says:
Hello Vic,

Unfortunately, there are no plans for this. Carnival, Cunard, Princess, Holland America, P & O, Costa Cruise Lines, Seabourn and AIDA all have very specific programs and it would be very difficult to factor all the cruise lines into one loyalty program. I hope you continue to enjoy your cruises with both Princess and Carnival and thank you for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Hassick asked:
John,

I have followed you on Facebook and now your blog and you seem to enjoy what you do but you must realize that many of the things you write are X rated and that there are children and people who may find your comments offensive that also read your page and your blog.

John says:
Hello Paul Hassick,

You are absolutely correct and I shall certainly try and remember this and apologise if anything I have written may have offended you.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Draper asked:

First of all, I want to say thanks for all of the grins and giggles (and sometimes grrrrs) that I get from reading the blog thingy and the FB page. I have had the pleasure of semi-coordinating a family cruise on the Magic in February 2012. We’re currently up to 20 folks in 9 cabins.

The real fun is that this is the first cruise for 11 of them!! I can’t wait! I’m a Carnival cruiser through and through and the experience I/we had getting this cruise together just confirmed why.

We worked with a fantastic Carnival rep named Phyllis Elkins. She did a great job keeping all of my tidbits of info straight from when I called her to matching it up to my family members that called to finish up their bookings. All the usual great customer service that I’ve come to know I would get when dealing with Carnival. She didn’t stop there, though. There were little things that were just “wow” moments for me that really made dealing with her a joy. Big example…I was trying to set her up with as much information on each family member as possible so they (especially the newbies) didn’t have to do much more than call up, confirm a cabin and give her a credit card number. During this, I realized that I didn’t know my 15-year-old nephew’s birthday. I was too ashamed to ask my brother…I called myself a bad aunt. Phyllis would get it from him when he called her and she wouldn’t let him know that I didn’t know. A few days later, I received an email with the subject line “for the bad aunt.” She had sent me my nephew’s birthday! It might seem like a little thing, but it really impressed me…a lot!

I would love it if there are any beards in Phyllis’ vicinity to give her a heartfelt pat on the back for me when they walk by. She’s an awesome rep…And not a bad spy, either!

John says:
Hello Denise Draper,

Another wonderful comment about one of our shoreside employees and it’s people like Phyllis that can make such a difference. Please know that I have sent this to the vice president beard in charge of our call centers and I know that Phyllis will be thrilled when she sees this. I will be seeing you on the Carnival Magic and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know and get ready for a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Tommy Lyons asked:

I saw on your blog about clearing out the Punchliner between shows so others would have a chance to see a show. When I was on the Dream and the Fun Dude who I believe was the club manager did clear out the club and he did an excellent job interacting with the guest and maintaining order. He is an excellent manager, comedian and gentleman. I think it would help if he introduced himself on the welcome aboard show where he could introduce himself and talk about the club and let everyone know what to expect.

John says:
Hello Tommy Lyons,

Jeff, the Fun Dude, is quite a character isn’t he and he runs his comedy club as well as anyone we have in that position. We are now adopting his clearance policies in all our comedy clubs and it seems to be working. I think it’s a great idea for him to introduce himself before at the welcome aboard show and I will ask my colleagues to make sure all the comedy club managers do this. Great suggestion, Tommy, and I hope you had a brilliant laugh at the Punchliner.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

I have concentrated a lot on the Carnival Liberty and the Carnival Magic in the past few weeks and I was reminded of two big voyages that are upcoming for the Carnival Inspiration and the Carnival Paradise so over the next few weeks I will talk a bit more about them. Let’s remind ourselves of where they are going starting with the Carnival Paradise as she heads to Tampa.

• Mon, Nov, 28 Long Beach 8am-4pm
• Tue, Nov, 29 at sea
• Wed, Nov, 30 Cabo 12pm-7pm
• Thu, Dec, 01 PVR 11am-7pm
• Fri, Dec, 02 at sea 10am-6pm
• Sat, Dec, 03 at sea
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Puntarenas 8am-7pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Panama Canal 6am-5pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Cartagena 9am-4pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Cayman 7am-4pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea

And now the Carnival Inspiration’s journey to California:

• Sat, Dec, 03 Tampa dep @ 4pm
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Cayman 8am-5pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Cartagena 7am-2pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Panama transit 6am-5pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Punta Arenas, C.R. 8am-6pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 12 at sea
• Tue, Dec, 13 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 14 Puerto Vallarta 8am-4pm
• Thu, Dec, 15 Cabo 8am-3pm
• Fri, Dec, 16 at sea

I will fill in the entertainment line ups and special events soon and both ships will have dance instructors, bridge instruction and arts and crafts as well as other special events. I have never done a Panama Canal crossing but from what everyone tells me, they are very special voyages and I wish all of you who are sailing on the Carnival Paradise and the Carnival Inspiration’s repositioning cruises the most wonderful time.

So what an incredible day it was in Galveston. In days gone past we would have invited a few travel agents on a new ship, given them a few drinks and that would have been it. But there we were in Galveston, opening the doors to 4,000 people to come and enjoy a free concert by one of the world’s top bands. The atmosphere was electric and excitement was equally shared by the residents of Galveston, most of whom were wearing, “Galveston Loves Magic” pins and the Carnival executives who under the charge of our Chief Marketing Officer Jim Berra put together an incomparable day and my congratulations to them for doing so.

Obviously, it was a huge thrill for me to introduce Maroon 5 but I have to tell you I was a bit nervous. There I was, five minutes before the concert, listening to the fans screaming and shouting and chanting the band’s name. Their anticipation had reached fever pitch and they were ready to give the band the most incredible welcome and judging by what a few of the ladies at the front were wearing, they were also ready to give the band anything they wanted and one or two looked like they were ready to spread easier than warm butter.

So the 4,000 people were ready to go crazy for Moves Like Jagger. But first, this fat English bloke was going to come out which would drastically change that mood. So my nerves therefore were based on the fact that my job was to go out on stage and put the crowd back in the mood they were already in before I walked out on stage in the first place. But it went well, I think, and along with the wonderful Justin, our dance contest winner, and some silly jokes the audience seemed to appreciate my 10 minutes and I hope they had some fun. We shot lots of video and in case you missed any of the highlights, here are some of them as shot by Peter the Hair, Jay I Like Guys and Eric the Beard.

So what of the band. Well they were not what I expected. What do I mean by that? Well …………… they were …………ummmm……………nice. Really nice, really pleasant and not very ………..well……… rock and roll.

There is a program on Discovery Channel called The Most Dangerous Jobs in the World which shows dangerous careers like tunnel builders, high rise construction, crab fishing, mine clearing, etc. But if you look at years past, being a rock star was surely the most dangerous job in the world.

Let’s see how many we can list from days gone by. OK…………….here we go. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Jim Morrison, Marc Bolan, Eddie Cochran, Brian Epstein, Duane Allman, most of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Keith Moon, Cozy Powell, Alex Harvey, Ricky Nelson, Pete Ham and Tom Evans from Badfinger, Tim Hardin, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin. Bon Scott from AC/DC, half of the Grateful Dead, Chas Chandler, Johnny Kidd, Rory Gallagher, John Belushi, Elvis, Patsy Cline, Brian Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Sid Vicious, even Karen Carpenter.
Suicide, plane or helicopter crashes. Car accidents, drowning in their own vomit, or in their own swimming pools. Picking up a guitar back then it seems was as lethal as picking up a rattlesnake.

Look how many of those stars died so young back then. Coming home from school and saying you were going to fight in a war would have prompted a sigh of relief from your parents, “Well thank God you’re not going to be in a band.”

Now, though, things are different. With the notable and noble exception of Kurt Cobain, who killed himself with a shotgun, and the sad demise of the brilliant Amy Winehouse and of course Michael Jackson who I don’t think we will ever truly understand, today’s rock stars seem to be in good health.

Last time I looked, Justin Beaver hadn’t smoked a palm tree and driven his skateboard into his swimming pool and drowned.

Perhaps this is the problem with music today. Back when I was a teenager, I would rush to see a band like Black Sabbath, The Who and Iron Maiden partly because I loved their music and because I had a feeling that they would all be dead by the following week.

You certainly don’t get any of that from Adam Levine. I watched him perform and while the bloke has a brilliant voice and the girls all want to see his gentlemen’s sausage there was no sense that he might be found the next morning in a Galveston hotel room full of naked women with vodka bottles all around.

I have to admit, though, that I really liked their music, I mean I really did and that surprised me because I don’t like most modern music. There was talk of us bringing in the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the Galveston event, who, so far as I’m concerned, could not make a worse sound if they spent an hour shoving cattle prods up their bottoms.

So here we are, the Carnival Magic has started her cruises from Galveston and I have to say something really important. The steakhouse is sold out every night with a waiting list of 80 names and the Cucina del Capitano will have served 600 by the end of the cruise. RedFrog had a quiet first night but is now the center of attention with the so very talented Ron Pass packing the piano bar. The atmosphere is fantastic.

As you may have read on my Facebook page, the ship had to cancel the port of Costa Maya and head instead to Progreso. This allows us to continue and complete the maintenance and repair of the starboard aft thruster and having the ship overnight in Progreso allows us to do this. Now obviously a change like this can cause some concern and some complaints. But do you know how many formal complaints we have had…………seven. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that there are others who haven’t voiced a formal complaint but it’s still pretty amazing that just seven comments stating that they didn’t like the itinerary change. The current group of guests on the Carnival Magic seem like a relaxed easy going bunch which is what I’ve found in general about our Texas-based ships. They’re just here to have a good time no matter what. Guests here love the ship, they really love the ship and 99% of the guests have accepted the change and are continuing to laugh, have fun and enjoy their vacation and that’s simply brilliant.

But it’s not just those on the ship. You see I stayed in a hotel for two days and listened to people talking in the restaurants and around the streets of Galveston. They were all speaking with huge pride that the Carnival Magic was there and indeed that they felt that the Carnival Magic was theirs. Texans are fun, Texans are spirited, Texans want everything bigger and that’s why Galveston is therefore the perfect home for the Carnival Magic. Fun for y’all…………….y’all for fun.

My only disappointment so far is that I haven’t seen one cowboy hat, not a single one. How can this be? It’s the inaugural cruise from Texas and we didn’t have any cowboy hats. I met loads of blog readers, many from Texas but none were cowboys. Where were the rough, tough, cowboys who sleep under the stars and fart around the camp fire?

I wanted a tobacco chewing, snakeskin boot wearing, howdy partner saying dude who grew up on a diet of country music and who could teach me how to rope cattle and ride bucking horses. I wanted to meet a real cowboy, but there were none.

But then suddenly, last night I met one. He was in the RedFrog Pub and he had a cowboy hat on. He wasn’t though quite what I had expected. His jeans were four inches too short, his stomach seven inches too fat and along with his cowboy hat, he wore a t-shirt with a picture of a Harley Davidson that said, and I quote: “If you haven’t seen God… it’s because you’re not going fast enough.”

See y’all after supper.

Your friend,

John

I personally don’t see the point of Halloween. I can see the kids thing about demanding candy with menaces from little old ladies but the whole thing about celebrating being scared……..I just don’t get it. Then again, when it comes to being scared and watching movies like Texas Chain Saw Axe Zombie Killer Mutant Prom Night Killer from Hell ….I just can’t watch them. I mentioned we are having horror nights incorporated on our big screen schedule and started with Paranormal Activity last cruise and have the Saw movie for this week. I hate those and just don’t get the pleasure thing about being scared. Then again, this probably comes from the time Heidi and I tried something in London called Cellar of Horrors Live. You pay an absurd amount of money to go into a dingy basement entrance and you do so with certain “It’s not real” swagger.

A kindly staff member pointed out that we shouldn’t go any further if we have a heart condition. Being macho, I said, “Bollocks,” and off we went. We stepped inside, past a waxwork of a Victorian police officer on the beat. Except it’s not a waxwork, it’s a drama student, who explodes in my face with a piercing yell, forcing me into an out of skin leap that Scooby sodding Doo and Shaggy would struggle to match.

For the next twenty minutes this is a short, sharp shock. You wander through dark, echoing corridors, being chased by all manner of horrors, from a huge bald man with an axe to Jack the Ripper, who emerged from the shadows to rattle chains, groan, dribble and spurt blood at us from various gaping wounds. The actors were truly impressive, and by the time we stumbled out of there Heidi had a huge lump in her throat ………and I had one in the back of my underpants.

Time for today’s questions ………lets crack on.

Annmarie Blomfield asked:

I tried to book a cruise on the new Carnival Breeze ship on carnival.com but it wanted a US state and phone number on the booking form and I live in the UK, is there any way to overcome this and book via the website?

Thanks,

Annmarie

John says:
Hello Annmarie,

Yes, I know it can be frustrating. I am therefore happy to tell you that the UK now has its own dedicated booking website that mirrors carnival.com. The address is www.carnivalcruise.co.uk. Please have a look at this and let me know if you have any questions. And you can expect a lot more great news for Carnival’s many UK fans very soon.

Best wishes

John

Rick L. asked:
Hello John,

I just joined your blog last week and I really enjoy reading it. My wife and I sailed on the Carnival Elation in 2007. Since then, we have gone on two RCCL cruises and we decided to book the Carnival Breeze, January 5, 2013 for my 50th birthday! Both RCCL cruises were good, especially Oasis of Seas; however, we kept talking about how much fun we had on the Carnival Elation. Most of our conversation centered round our CD, Mr. Stuart Dunn. He was by far the most entertaining CD we have encountered, especially on roller skates! We found out that he is in Australia now, and we were hoping he’d come back for our Breeze trip, but we know that is probably unlikely. We just hope whoever is CD for our trip will be just as entertaining as Stuart! Just wanted to say we are excited about coming back to Carnival because of our past experience!

John says:
Hello Rick L,

I am sure you had two nice cruises on the Oasis and enjoyed all the amenities they have on board but it is so wonderful that you are coming back to Carnival. Stuart is a brilliant CD isn’t he and that’s why we have chosen him to be the CD when the Carnival Spirit heads to Australia next year. I am not sure who the CD will be but there is a good chance it maybe some fat old English bloke called John Heald. I hope we see each other on a ship that I hope will keep you loyal to carnival for years to come. Please let me know if you have any other questions and welcome to the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Josh asked:

I have a question which I called Carnival about but the lazy and uniformed people there wouldn’t help me with. Will Carnival provide its many Jewish guests with anything for Hanukah and my parents want to know if they can bring a Rokeach Yahrzeit light candle on the boat? This is very important!!

John says:
Hello Josh,

Carnival will indeed provide our guests of the Jewish faith with menorah lighting ceremonies held in the lobby of our ships. This will be advertised in the Fun Times for you. I am not sure what a Rokeach Yahrzeit light candle is but if it is a candle that uses a real flame you cannot bring that on the ship. If it is an electric light candle then that should be OK. The people that work in the Miami office work very hard and I am glad to be here to help answer the questions they cannot. Have a wonderful cruise Josh.

Best wishes.

John

Lesley Bettridge asked:

For my birthday last year I went on the Carnival Fascination and Carnival didn’t send me anything for my birthday which is Nov 10 on Carnival Destiny. Me and my friend are in cabin R88. Will Carnival send me something this time?

John says:
Hello Lesley Bettridge,

Yes indeed they will, well I will and I wish you a wonderful birthday cruise and a very happy birthday to you.

Best wishes.

John

Colvin B asked:
John,

My husband and I just returned from our cruise on the Carnival Pride and had a really good time. I do want to comment on the new menu that overall was very good. I tried the alligator bites and even the frog’s legs and they were ok but the best new thing on the menu was the bacon mac and cheese which was really, really good and our waiter Jo Jo said was very popular. The one thing we tried that really wasn’t good was the meatloaf. John has anyone tasted this, have you tasted it? It really is awful John. That said we had the most wonderful cruise and the penthouse cabin we splurged on was out of this world.

John says:
Hello Colvin B,

Thanks so much for writing. You know, I was on the Carnival Liberty last week and I should have tried the meatloaf but I forgot. I say that because I had seen the comment about this on my Facebook page a few weeks ago but forgot. I will make sure I send these comments to the chef and let Sanjay see that you didn’t like it. I do know that the bacon mac and cheese is immensely popular, probably the most popular out of our new comfort food offerings. I ate from the new menu last week and I think my favourite dish was the jerk pork…….the new sauce they are using for that is fantastic although the prime rib was as always superb. I am so glad you had a wonderful cruise and rest assured that I will pass your comments on.

Best wishes.

John

Sandstone Cruisers asked:

As Platinum passengers with a total of 24 cruises between us my wife and I feel that Carnival needs to do more for its Platinum people. Case in point. We have to pay the same price on the internet as non Platinum people and we have no reserved places to sit at the shows either. These are all things that other lines do and that’s why we are considering NCL next as Carnival should treat us better than the rest. Just saying that’s all.

John says:
Hello Sandstone Cruisers,

Well I sincerely hope that you won’t leave us for another line. With 24 Carnival cruises to your names it shows that we must have been doing something right over the years and I hope you will take this into consideration. There is a new loyalty program and later this week I will be meeting with the man who will be putting it together ready to start early next year. I hope you will wait and see what happens before you book with another line. We value all our guests and we certainly value your tremendous loyalty so please keep reading the blog for the latest news.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Claire Heskie asked:
Hi John,

We will be sailing on the Carnival Inspiration on 10/31. We were on the Carnival Sensation a few months ago and loved the comedy club which was the bomb. Please tell me who the comedians are. There was one dark skinned man called Happy I think who was the funniest man I have ever seen and wondered if he would be there.

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Clair Heskie,

The comedian you are referring to is Happy Cole who is you are right one of the funniest comedians there is and I am so glad you enjoyed him. Timing is everything and I see that you are already on the cruise and won’t see this but wanted to reply anyway just in case. Your comedians are Dean Gaines and Just Jack who will keep you laughing. I am sorry I am late in my reply and I hope you are having (had) a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Philip Medeiros asked:
Hi John,

I’ve been reading your blog for a month or two and find it rather informative. There are some things at Carnival that seem to be deep dark secrets or exclusively reserved for the privileged few. The very recent survey regarding Platinum, etc has made me so aware of how insignificant one can be. We’re not Platinum and perhaps never will be considering possible changes Carnival is considering. I didn’t get a survey and have yet to find what is mentioned in it. We have done seven cruises (47 days) through and including our “Owner’s Suite” cruise to hell which was on the Carnival Sensation in May 2011. We have six more cruises booked (another 58 days) actually nine bookings including those I have for family members. I am also a holder of CCL stock but I’m not important enough to Carnival (hereinafter known as Bastard Cruise Line) to be made aware what changes might be made let alone how those changes might change our reaching Platinum status next April on the Carnival Dream.

The beards as you call them (hereinafter referred to as Apple Jacks) just don’t seem to get it. They are incapable of putting together two words followed by a question mark, “What if?” and then asking themselves the question at hand. That should be followed by “Then what?” They seem however to be too busy playing with all their “Apple Toys.” The derivation of Apple Jacks is simply their appetite for all things Apple and either being Jackasses or not knowing “Jack” about their own policies. I think calling them beards suggests they have some age and wisdom about them. From my personal experience with some of them, they are severely lacking in that department. You try to point out problems that arise when what ship’s crew believes policy to be, and what Carnival themselves have put in black and white for the guest about policy, differ. I got utter and repeated denial until they simply took a moment to verify what I told them. “Oh, well we will certainly correct that.” That was in May and here it is September and nothing has changed. And there was no apology for the treatment I was given by ship’s GSD and security. Bastard Cruise Line should adopt a new slogan that “The Guest Is Never Right, Even If We are Wrong.” I don’t expect you or anyone else to respond to this, as my questions to you in the past have gone unanswered. Having said that, you did forward my request for a Chef’s Table reservation, and I thank you for that. We will certainly go on our next cruise Nov 28 on the Carnival Paradise for our 42nd anniversary. Beyond that, my inclination is to cancel the rest of my bookings and sell my CCL stock, at a 20% loss. No wonder why. After all, to BCL I am too insignificant to matter.

John says:
Hello Philip Medeiros,

I have read your very passionate comments three times hoping that I can find some specifics to why you are so unhappy. It is hard therefore for me to comment on what happened without having these details but I promise that we do care, I care and so does Carnival. I am going to send this to a colleague at a very high level so I can see what happened and what we can do to turn this situation around and for you to remain a Carnival customer. Thanks so much for writing to me here on the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Radeep asked:
John,

Does Carnival rent iPads or lap tops on the Carnival Magic. I will be sailing over the Christmas cruise and it will be one thing less to pack.

John says:
Hello Radeep,

Yes indeed we do rent laptops (or the smaller note books I think they are called) from the internet station on Promenade Deck 5. I wish you a wonderful cruise and if you have any questions please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Nicki Palmesco asked:
John,

While on our Carnival Legend cruise there was an announcement that was made that said a helicopter would be rescuing a passenger who was very sick. It was an awesome sight to see the helicopter over the ship but after that no more information was given. Why didn’t the cruise director or captain tell us what was wrong with the guest and what happened to him after and if he survived or not. I found this to be very strange as did the 100 plus passengers I spoke to about it.

John says:
Hello Nicki Palmesco,

I must start this answer by saluting the brave men and women of the United States Coast Guard who save so many lives each and every week and yet for the most part remain very much unsung heroes. That being said I should point out that we never give out the medical information of our guests and I am sure that if you were the one being rescued you would, I hope feel the same. All we can do in these situations is hope that the guest makes a full recovery and think of the family he or she was cruising with. I hope you had a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

And on that note……..I feel I should tell you that I have hemorrhoids by the way Nicki Palmesco ……….we will end today’s Q and A.

I have mentioned on my Facebook page that our senior photographer Mr. Radu has returned to the Carnival Magic and I thought that it would be nice to find out a little more about this amazingly talented man. Here he is in his own words.

My journey with Carnival began in a Finnish shipyard in October 1998, it was a great place to start and a beautiful ship, Carnival Paradise, the first non smoking ship. I came for the opportunity to see places and photograph these places and after 13 years I still have the same feelings, and I want to see more. Money was not the reason to be on ships. As you remember the crossing of the Atlantic was very bumpy, big swells and strong wind from Hurricane Mitch I think was the name, almost made me change my mind to get off the ship in Halifax. It was the worst ocean I ever seen, but once I got in New York, I forgot all the worst and all the best happened to me.

I have been on Carnival Sensation after that, Carnival Destiny, Carnival Paradise, and in 2001 my dream came true, when I was chosen to be part of the Carnival Spirit photo team for Alaska season and Hawaii. I did love it so much that I did spend three years on the Spirit, and I did visit Alaska three more times after that. Since 2005 I have been on all Carnival ships as fleet wide senior photographer for our stock and generic images, this is something that only my photos can tell how blessed I have been to see all these places where Carnival goes. I met great people, made friends, and I had the opportunity to photograph a couple of stars, like Shaquille O’Neal, Mira Sorvino, Katie Couric and others that are our ship godmothers, or the president of Honduras or Panama. My best experience was to fly over the Panama Canal, above flowing lava in Hawaii, and above Mt. McKinley in Alaska.

I still dream of photographing the Himalayas, the wildlife of South Africa and not at last the Antarctica; I think this is my best wish.

Since 1993 I am taken photos with Nikon cameras, since 2003 I did change on digital camera also Nikon, now I have Nikon D3 and NikonD2x, I have wide lenses from 12 mm to 35 mm, all Nikon lenses 80-200mm, tilt shift lens 85 mm and the most lens I love is the big big lens Nikon VR 600 mm, the one I did photograph Stromboli or the crocodiles from Tarcoles River in Costa Rica. It is so big and heavy that I can stand during a hurricane.

John asked me to pick my favourite 10 photos. It is very hard to pick 10 images, I have so many but here are my top 10. Thank you everyone for liking my photos:

Carnival Destiny at Half Moon Cay

 

Portland Maine Lighthouse

 

Carnival Victory in St. Lucia

 

Fundatica, Alaska

 

 

Alaska College Fiord

Alaska Aurora

Patagonia Torres del paines

Hawaiian lava flow

Hawaii Kauai Kalalai valley

Radu in Alaska

Amazing shots and Radu is hosting a photo workshop on the Carnival Magic’s Atlantic crossing and I am sure that this will be something the guests will truly appreciate and enjoy. I am also working with him to make a calendar for 2012 as well. Thanks Radu for all you do for all of us mate.

So tomorrow I have a meeting with a chap called Rob. He is the vice president beard in charge of refreshing our loyalty program and tomorrow I will find out some of the things that will be happening and as soon as I can, reporting those changes back to you. I have a whole list of questions to ask him and while I don’t expect he will be able to answer them all I hope that he will be able to put some minds at ease, encourage people to become loyal customers and have our already loyal customers really excited. I will of course let you know.

A month or so ago I asked on Facebook what questions I should ask Rob and many were the same. What length the loyalty program would be based on, number of days cruised or as it is now number of cruises? Some who are close to Platinum and indeed Milestone are hoping the goal posts are not changed and most of the questions were as I said based around those.

However, doing some revision yesterday I saw one that wanted the Milestone card to be …….well more obvious and even suggests we make it from Titanium. Certainly the crew need to see that the guest presenting the card is a VIP because that is exactly what they are.
I guess this mirrors my thoughts on credit cards because I don’t want the loyalty program to have the same sinister underbelly that is rarely talked about with credit cards. I’m talking about not having the right one.

Last night I went for dinner with a group of beards from the office. It wasn’t something I really wanted to do because I knew that all we would talk about was work. And we did. Now the beards I went with are all vice president and above so all earn more than me. OK fair one but I still feel like I needed to offer to pay, that’s just how I was brought up. So dinner was over, the check arrived and everyone started chucking their plastic onto the leather thingy the check was in. It was a sea of platinum. I felt like a total failure as my Barclays Bank green checking account card landed on a shiny Platinum Amex. Compared to them I felt like I had the social standing of a constipated yak.

I know some credit cards have certain privileges but also I think some are designed solely to impress. But I totally understand that some. Not all Milestone and Platinum guests want to show the rest of the ship just how much they love Carnival. Anyway, let’s see what the beards have in store as I know there are new designs for the blue, gold, platinum and milestone cards and I will put forward your ideas as always and as soon as I am able I will show you the new designs for all our loyalty cards..

A friend of mine sent me a photo yesterday that I have to share with you. It’s of me and one of Carnival’s longest standing entertainers, Mr. Eddie Capone. This was taken many years ago on the Carnival Fascination in 1994 I think. Back then we went to ports like Caracas, Venezuela and where this was taken in Guadalupe. Actually, I didn’t call it Guadalupe as since it is a French island I always said Rudealupe as you know my distaste for anything French.

One of the ports we also went to was French but it was a stunning port with gorgeous scenery, stunning beaches and as I remember some fantastic shopping. That island was Martinique and I hope one day Carnival sends a ship back there as I remember just how much the guests loved the place. Yes it was French and there was still that “attitude” but past that it is one of the most beautiful islands in the Caribbean and one day I hope you get to visit. Have any of you been there? It’s one of the islands that made a huge impression on my early days at Carnival.

Anyway, here is that photo of me and the incomparable Eddie Capone.

Sorry about the hat. Yep, I have become one fat bugger for sure. Eddie is still working our ships and is still making our guests laugh out loud. Have a look at the Godfather of Comedy’s website at www.eddiecapone.com.

I am feeling a bit guilty you know with the Carnival Magic about to start her six days at sea. James the cruise director is doing a wonderful job and reports on Facebook from the guests on board are all positive. Anyway, let’s see what’s happening as we turn things over to Calvyn for his daily report and we start with yesterday when the Carnival Magic was in Malaga.

Hello John

Well Halloween is here and what a day it is to be in Malaga. Sunny skies with a nice breeze with big white fluffy clouds. I did not get off to experience the city; however 1,600 guests booked tours which is great news!

As James and Kevin were decorating the Spotlight lounge and other areas I was signing out Mahjong game sets. I never knew that Mahjong was so popular; and the people who play are very intense and vulture-like to get their hands on a game set. Of course the sets weigh about ten pounds each and are very awkward to carry, so carrying three at a time was quite a challenge and I had to make two trips. Poor me, poor me, pour me another.

At any rate, I am going dressed as Amy Winehouse (RIP) for Halloween. Do you remember last year’s Halloween when we went dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz.? I was the Lion and you were Dorothy………ahhhh such happy days.

Looking forward to seeing you soon and spending hours in your cabin pressing wild flowers together.

Cal

You know Calvyn, sometimes there isn’t enough vomit in the world.

Here’s what the guests did yesterday.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2011

MORNING
7:00am Sunrise Stretch – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
7:30am Fab Abs – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:00am Carnival Magic Arrives in Malaga
8:45am Daily Puzzle Pick-Up – Plaza Café, 5 Mid
9:00am SkyCourse Open – Deck 14, Mid

• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

11:00am Putt-Putt Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid

AFTERNOON
1:00pm General Knowledge Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
2:00pm Guess That Song: Beatles Covers – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
3:00pm Uno Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Soccer Dribbling Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid
• Get Your Bridge On (Instructor Led) – Conference, 4 Mid

3:30pm Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
4:00pm Pumpkin Carving Demo & Contest…Beach Pool, 10 MId

• Outrageous Law Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Total Body Conditioning – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd
• Friends of Bill W. / Jimmy K – Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

4:30pm All Guests Must Be Back on Board

• Bookworm Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

EVENING
5:00pm Carnival Magic Sets Sail for Las Palmas

• Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

6:30pm Scary Movie Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
7:00pm Showtime (Late Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Guess the Price of the Painting – Promenade, 5 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

7:30pm Halloween Meet & Greet – Ocean Plaza,5 Mid
7:45pm Thriller Dance Class – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
8:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino,5 Mid
8:15pm Halloween Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Guess the Price of the Painting – Promenade, 5 Mid

8:30pm Scary Movie Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
8:45pm Dance Hits & Mixes – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
9:00pm Showtime (Early Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Halloween Ball – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Mid
• Piano Bar Party – Play It Again, 5 Aft

9:30pm Twilight Golf – Turf on Surf, 5 Mid
10:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

• Casino Witching Hour – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Frightful Hour – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
• Friends of Dorothy GLBT Meet – Play It Again, 5 Aft

10:15pm Halloween Costume Contest – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
12:00am (Movie) Young Frankenstein – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwdotlight

Here’s another update from Calvyn:

Hello John

Last night was Halloween and what a night it was! James was a toy soldier with perfectly round glitter dots on each cheek and knowing James you just know he spent a solid two hours getting the dots perfectly round. Lanie was dressed as a mummy, Leonnie as Marilyn Monroe, Christian as Harry Potter, Ryan a zombie, The best and yet slightly insulting costume came when Kevin revealed his costume which was an exaggerated version of me right down to my red watch. Now Mrs. Huxtable from the Cosby show once told Rudy that imitation is the best form of flattery, but did he have to wear the fat suit?

The winner of the Carnival Magic’s inaugural Costume Party was a woman named Ellen. I am not sure of Ellen’s age nor did I dare ask; however I am going to say that Ellen is around 60 years old and she came dressed as a Hooters girl with her boobies hanging down to her waist. It was quite hysterical and a real solid win for Ellen.

Now I have to say that I had a personal favorite and ironically it was quite low key. It was a guest that was dressed as Flo from the progressive insurance ads.

Now let’s talk about today. The skies are blue with spotted bits of white fluffy clouds. The ocean is as smooth as ice and the activities are busting from the seams of the Fun Times.

The spirits are very high and the crowd highly energetic.

John, I had a dream about you last night. It involved me and you in Paris and we were in each other’s arms dancing the night away to Barbara Streisand tunes.

Love,

Cal

Paris, Streisand, dancing with Calvyn………some would call that a nightmare. ………..I know I bloody well would.

Here is what the guests are doing today

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2011

MORNING

7:00am Sunrise Stretch – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
7:30am Legs, Bums and Tums – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:00am Yoga + – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:30am James’ Walking Club – SportSquare, 12 Mid
8:45am Daily Puzzles – Plaza Café, 5 Mid
9:00am Acronym Puzzles – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Bridge for Beginners Series – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
• Putt-Putt Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid
• Indoor Cycling – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

9:15am James’ Morning Show – Channel 16 & Seaside Theatre
9:30am General Knowledge Trivia – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft
10:00am Super Trivia (Round 2) – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

• Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
• AquaFun – Beach Pool, 10 Mid
• Intermediate Bridge Lessons – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
• Arts & Crafts – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Introduction to Chinese Medicine – Ocean Plaza, 5 MId

10:30am Live Hair & Make-Up Show – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
11:00am Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Mahjong Players Meet – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Dodgeball – SkyCourt, 12 Aft
• How to Increase Your Metabolism – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

AFTERNOON

12:00pm Food & Wine Pairing  – Prime Steakhouse, 5 Aft
12:30pm Scrapbookers Meet – Conference Center, 4 Mid

• Uno Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

1:00pm Ice Carving Demonstration – Beach Pool, 10 Mid

• Slots ‘O Prizes – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• GoSmile Tooth Whitening Workshop – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Catholic Mass Service – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Bridge Play (Duplicate & Social) – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd

1:15pm Beary Cuddly  – Camp Carnival, 11 Mid
2:00pm A Magical World Cruise – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Guess That Song: TV Themes – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
• Soccer Tournament – SkyCourt, 12 Aft
• Arts & Crafts – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Look 10 Years Younger Today – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd
• Friends of Bill W. & Jimmy K – Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

2:30pm 5 Game Bingo  – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
3:00pm Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd

• Connect 4 Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Tea Time – Southern Lights, 4 Aft

3:30pm Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
4:00pm Broadway Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Movie Matinee: Casino Royale – Seaside Theatre, 10 Mid
• Pilates  – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

4:30pm On Your Marks, Get Set, Draw!….Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Fab Abs – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

EVENING

5:00pm Catholic Mass Service – Conference Center, 4 Mid
6:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
7:00pm Karaoke Party – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

• Modern Masters Exhibition…Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

7:30pm The MBA of Art Seminar – Conference Center, 4 Mid
7:45pm Cha-Cha-Cha, Cheek to Cheek – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd

• Olympics Trivia – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft

8:00pm Say What You See Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

8:30pm Showtime (Early Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
8:45pm Dance Hits & Mixes – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
9:00pm Modern Masters Exhibition – Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid
10:00pm Say What You See Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Motown Hour – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
• Friends of Dorothy GLBT Meet – Ocean Plaza (Port), 5 Mid

10:30pm Showtime (Late Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

By the way, I remember the Mahjong battle on the Carnival Liberty and a fierce Asian lady who to this day is the only guest ever to actually hit me. She slapped me around the head because we didnt have Mahjong on the ship and oh yes, she hit Ken Byrne the maître d as well.

By the way, talking of the one and only Ken Byrne the senior maitre d, I was thinking of him today when I opened my e mail and found my usual offer of Viagra. The reason I was thinking of Ken was that he lives five minutes away from the town that makes the world’s supply of Viagra, a town called Ringaskiddy. I am sure you read the story in the press yesterday about Paddy O Leary who was the manager of the Viagra factory for 20 years and who dies yesterday aged 88. In fact Paramount is making a movie about his life working in the Viagra factory for all those years. It’s called………..Die Hard.

I want to finish today on the subject of tipping. My Facebook page is awash with posts telling us that they had seen that we had raised the gratuities from $10 per day to $11.50. This was the first raise since 2001 and comes into effect on December 1. I wanted to point out that those with pre-paid gratuities will not have their rates changed. This was posted first on Carnival’s travel agent booking site and led to quite a few comments. I quickly want to address this one I received below as it was one of three such comments.

David Amiel asked:

Why is Carnival trying to sneak these new gratuity increases by their customers? There has been no mention of this on your blog or on Carnival’s web page. This is a sneaky move that is so typical of Carnival.

John says:

Well, if I may address that quickly, David, as I did get two other comments that were similar. We were not trying to sneak anything by anyone, to suggest so is just plain silly. It has been posted on our travel agent web site, given to our call centers, updated on carnival.com, and here I am writing about it today.

So, what do you think about this increase? Well it has been about 10 years since our last increase and I could sit here and talk about how other cruise lines have done this previously but I don’t think this is important. What is important is that I hope you all think that our crew deserves this. Obviously, you can always adjust the rate up or down if you’d like. Gratuities have to be earned and should not be expected by any of our service crew but I hope that if they provide you with professional service mixed with a huge dollop of fun that you will continue to reward them as you always have done.

Brilliant burgers, red amphibians, blue lizards, twisting water slides and fat cruise directors telling stupid Viagra jokes are all well and good but it’s the Carnival crew that continue to be the heartbeat of our ships and I thank you all for the rewards that you have given and I hope will continue to give them.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I am not sure if it was William Shatner’s choice that all the women crew members wore very short skirt, no political correctness in space, of course. Oh, and while I think about it, those bloody doors were too noisy. Old Scotty, the chief engineer, could fix a broken warp coil and build a phaser out of a toilet role but he wasn’t smart enough to slap some WD40 on those “whoosh” doors.

Kirk was replaced with Jean Luc Picard who was more cautious and compared to Kirk he was utterly boring. Both fought the Borg. Picard celebrated with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea while Kirk would have had rumpy pumpy with half the bridge crew before the kettle boiled. Picard always wanted to talk his way out of a difficult situation, he would talk to the Romulans and find a common ground. Kirk meanwhile would just rip their bollocks off and use them as paper weights.

Anyway, once Kirk had finished having rumpy pumpy with a green skinned lizard woman I started flicking around the channels and came across something called Pan Am and I have to say that I enjoyed it. It wasn’t the plot or the acting that I enjoyed but it was the step back in time to show me what flying used to be like. As you may know I hate flying in the same way I hate having genital warts. That’s because unless you’re Mr. and Mrs. Loadsofmoney and can fly first class there is bugger all pleasure in modern air travel. However watching a bit of Pan Am the other night it was unquestionably a bloody sight better in the past.

As I watched I started thinking when did this all change. When did flying suddenly become as fun as explosive diarrhea? Add the stress and strains of today’s security measures and the overall drop in standards then at its best flying is tolerable and at its worst its Ryanair. One thing that’s obvious from me watching Pan Am was that back then airline travel was something designed for men. It seems that they were chosen for their looks and looked airborne Playboy Bunnies. You wouldn’t have needed an in flight movie to watch ……………not with all those bottoms to look at.

But we live in different times where we are stopped at security and arrested because our toothpaste, shampoo or contact lens solution could apparently blow up the plane. Unlike cruising, the whole process of air travel from the moment you enter the departure terminal until the moment you exit at the other end is a grin and bear it experience. And considering what we pay it really shouldn’t be like that……………….should it?

Time for today’s Q and A………………….here we go.

Montague Asked:
John, it seems to me that Carnival puts little thought into its entertainment planning. I watched the show about New Orleans and the graphic sexual nature of the show meant that I hurriedly had to take my grandchildren out. There was no R-rating mentioned by the hopeless cruise director and nothing was written in the daily program. My question is then is Carnival a family cruise line or is it just pretending? The rest of the cruise was most enjoyable and special mention to Ceilia at the Circle C Club who both my grandchildren said was the best part of the cruise and gave them so much fun.

Thank You!

John Says:
Hello Montague

Thanks for taking the time to write and let me start by saying yes, Carnival leads the way when it comes to family cruising experiences and I think that is proven by the fact that your grandchildren enjoyed Circle C so much. The show you are referring to is The Big Easy, a show based around New Orleans and a show I know very well. I have been trying to think what part of the show would have made you feel like you had to remove your grandchildren from the theatre. I know there is the French Quarter section but it really doesn’t have revealing costumes etc so I am at a bit of a loss there. I personally don’t think the show deserves an R rating in any way, however there is obviously something that disturbed you so for that I sincerely apologise. I am so glad you had a fun cruise and I do hope that we will see you and your family again very soon.

Best wishes.
John

Sara Radcliff Asked:
John!

I have written twice now about a table for two with a view for my boyfriend and me and still no reply. We are on the Nov 14th sailing on the Magic and this is our fourth cruise, all with Carnival. Our booking # is ______ and we are in cabin 8341. I hope I get a response this time as hearing nothing is so annoying. My parents are Platinum cruisers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Says:
Hello Sara Radcliff

I am so sorry I haven’t replied to your previous requests. I try to answer as many questions as I can both here and on Facebook but alas I am but one man. Anyway, no worries as I have seen your request and I will ask the maitre d and he will do his best to provide you with a table for two. I wish you a wonderful cruise and I will see you on board.

Best wishes.
John

VIC Asked:
Hi John,

This is my third try for this question and don’t get offended by this. You state that you rarely get off the ship so I would just like to know when you do talks on the ports, where do you get all your information from, do people pass it on to you, looking forward to seeing you in June 2012 on the Carnival Dream.

John Says:
Hello VIC

I have I think answered your question in a previous Q and A as I remember this well. There is a four-week delay in me answering the questions so my apologies. I know the European ports better than most as this is my sixth season there. I have also done three one month long trips around all the ports plus I meet with the excursion manager each cruise to catch up on any new business I need to know. I feel very confident that the information I am giving the guests is the right information. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.
John

Alva Ellis Asked:
Hi John,

I have seen the towel creation became an icon throughout the cruise and hotel industry, who could ever imagine that something that I personally created as a cabin steward back in 1974 to entertain my guests would have become such an art form. An art class teacher and student in St Croix V.I. visited the ship while we were in the island to teach the class the new creation. It was done as credit for the entire art class. I was elated at the time, now I saw the fruit of my creation/invention. Thanks for your write up on your blog.

Have fun,
Alva Ellis

John Says:
Hello Alva

It’s great to hear from you and ladies and gentlemen this is Mr Alva Ellis who was for many, many years the senior chief steward or as we now call them housekeeping manager. Alva was responsible for bringing the towel animal to Carnival, the animals that we all know and love and we owe him a great debt. I hope you are well and those of us who remember you do so remembering your passion and hard work. Thanks for writing and I hope we see each other again soon.

Best wishes.
John

Gerri Green Asked:
As a Platinum cruiser with Carnival I feel strongly that you need to give Platinum cruisers far more than you so. Other lines offer their Diamond status passengers free internet and free drinks before dinner and reserved seats at the shows and by the pool. I deserve MORE!

John Says:
Hello Gerri Green

Thanks for writing and I think our current loyalty program for Platinum guests is good but it can always be better and we are in the process of enhancing the program. And while I can’t promise free this and free that I will be talking soon to someone called Rob who is putting the new program together and as soon as I have news on this I will pass it on. Thanks for your loyalty until then, it means a lot.

Best wishes.
John

LoriAnne Garbutt Asked:
Hey John!

Now that I have posted the pic on your FB page, I will give you my praises on how wonderful the Carnival Fascination cruise was. As we were pulling into the parking lot at JaxPort, I received a FB notification that was from you!  That was just too kewl!  Talk about timing… Then, on the second day on board (I think) is when the bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries arrived from you and Jen. Another awesome surprise!  We did partake and I did learn to like Champagne and white wine on this cruise (I’m a beer and Crown Royal person…lol).  We went to Half Moon Cay and Nassau Bahamas.  Half Moon Cay was beautiful, and I do mean B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!  Nassau was “an experience” and I will leave it at that…LOL.

Christopher was our room steward and he was awesome!  Amazes me at how they can remember everybody’s names and they do call you by your name every time they see you.

In the dining room we had Yves, Adrian, Godfrey, and the “I” brothers, (I think it’s I Gomez, but not real sure), they were brothers and both had the same name……. I don’t know that you could have found a better fit of wait staff for us!  We had a blast with them, on the first night in the dining room, I dropped all of my utensils, not once, but twice!  Adrian was great, he brought more and they all caught up with us the entire cruise. Pat was waiting on the Grand Marnier Soufflé to hit the menu from the time we got on the boat till the time it finally did become available, they ALL knew that she was wanting that soooo bad, that on the nite it was available…..They didn’t even bring us the dessert menus, not even me, they just brought us the Grand Marnier Souffle for each of us and then the Cappuccino Pie to split as a surprise for us!  It was great!

Every night at dinner the wait staff did the dancing and one night they sang… I missed that on the first cruise but totally loved it on this cruise!  To see all of them dancing to Apple Bottom Jeans and That’s Amore’, let me tell ya.. PRICELESS!

We met the head waiter for Lido deck, Dario, at breakfast one morning and he obliged with us answers to all of our questions that we had about his country which was Croatia… me and Pat had a debate about what it used to be named…… So he settled that and gave us the history and told us that when we retire, it should be to Croatia… If it’s as pretty as he says, I just might check into that… LOL!

We also met Jen, the Cruise Director for Fascination and she is a total hoot!  When we told her who we were, she did recognize our names and said “Oh, you got your strawberries and champagne!”  We laughed and laughed during the shows and a lot of it was because of Jen!  That British Chick has a great sense of humour (as you spell it) and her actions were hilarious.

On our last night of the cruise was the Chef’s Table. We chose this to be our excursion and it was the most amazing experience that I have ever had!!  Thank you so much for setting that up for us!  It was totally worth the money to go!  We had a great group that joined us!

All of us were from the South, so the only accent that was there was the chef…   Chef Remy Gomes outdone himself on our meal!  One of our girls that joined us was vegetarian and he accommodated her just as he did the rest of us!  She was totally thrilled with the selections that he did for her, and I have to say they did look great and I could have totally had the vegetarian meal too!

This was the best 40th birthday present I could have ever gotten! Thanks for everything and I can’t wait to cruise with you!!!

LoriAnne

John Says:
Hello LoriAnne

What a brilliant review and there are so many highlights and so much excitement that oozes out from your writing. I promise to pass on all you have said to the ship and those ashore in charge of the vessel and they will be thrilled. I hope we will see you again and I am so happy you had such a brilliant time.

Best wishes.
John

Grant and Melissa Hove Asked:
John,

We will be taking our first cruise on Carnival. We are big NCL fans but were persuaded to go on the Carnival Miracle by the price. We must have a private table though as we won’t eat with other passengers as we are very private Christian folks who keep to ourselves. I was told that this was the place to come to get this accomplished. I wasn’t sure what you need so here is all our information.

WANT TABLE FOR 2
DATE OF CRUISE 10/05/11
BOOKING NUMBER ______
NAME: Grant and Melissa Hove
RESPOND TO E MAIL ADDRESS____________

John Says:
Hello Grant and Melissa Hove

I have obviously read this post too late as you have already sailed. I wanted to apologise therefore that I missed this post and didn’t get to arrange a table for two for you. I hope you managed to do this while on board with the maitre d and I hope that you had such fun that you will join us again here at Carnival.

Best wishes to you both
John

Rod K & Deb C Asked:
Not really a question John – more a message of support from UK.  We went on our first cruise in May on the Carnival Dream – Western Caribbean – and thoroughly enjoyed it.  The reason we booked was to see our daughter Natasha who was on her first nine-month contract in the Cloud 9 Spa on the Carnival Dream as a massage therapist. Now she is on her last week and will be coming home this weekend, and I will be trying to persuade her to preference for the Carnival Magic for her next contract from the middle of November through to June 2012 (so we can do another cruise!). Any words of wisdom on what she can expect to find different on Carnival Magic compared with Carnival Dream?

ps – does all your audience really get the humour? I bet not.  Keep being funny, and regards.

Rod & Deb

John Says:
Hello Rob K and Deb

It’s always nice to hear from the parents of one of my fellow shipboard crew and I hope that your daughter enjoyed her first contract on the Carnival Dream. I hope she does get the Carnival Magic although basically the spa is exactly the same just with different décor. She will enjoy sailing out of Texas as well as the guests are always very friendly. As for my humour (spelt correctly), I think most people get it although at times regardless of where the guests are from its not going to be everyone that finds me funny. I am sure you are glad to have Natasha home and please say a warm hello to her from me. Please let me know if you ever have any questions and I will be here to help.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Nick Boughtwood Asked:
John.

Much of your blog today was spent complaining about how much you miss your family which considering you make more $$$ than most people reading your stuff is laughable. If you don’t like your job quit. None of us come to your blog to read this but for current and useful information that helps us decide if we want to cruise with Carnival again. My question is will Carnival add another ship here on the West Coast as our choices are limited and while Florida and the eastern seaboard get ship after ship the west coast gets nothing.

John Says:
Hello Nick Boughtwood

If I might kindly just start by saying I make bugger all apologies for writing about how much I miss my family and as this is my blog occasionally I use it to express my true emotions. I realize how lucky I am but that never takes away the fact that there are days when I think about my family and how much I want to be with them. Now as for the West Coast, well the ports of call as we know are limited but there are no plans at the moment to give the West Coast another ship.  Considering the majority of cruise lines have left completely, I think it’s fair to mention that Carnival continues to support the west coast with the Carnival Splendor and Carnival Spirit. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.
John

Allan Ruse Asked:
John.

I wrote to you about my parents and the fact that they were celebrating their 55^th wedding anniversary on their cruise on the Carnival Miracle but I never expected you to do the things you did. The table for 2, the gift of champagne and strawberries and the shout out the cruise director gave them at the TV show made them feel like VIPs and I am forever in your debt. They also asked if I would mention their room steward called Lizbet. They said she was so friendly and always called them by their names and looked after them.

Thank you John and thank you Carnival.

John Says:
Hello Allan Ruse

Thanks so much for writing and I am so happy that your parents were able to celebrate their 55 years together on the Carnival Miracle and had so much fun doing so. I will gladly pass this onto Lizbet and she will be thrilled I am sure. I hope we see you all again soon on another cruise with us and please send a big hello to your Mum and Dad.

Best wishes to all.
John

That’s all for today and a big thank you for all the comments. The blog views are now well over 12 million which I think is absolutely brilliant and that’s all because of your continuing readership.

So tomorrow I will head back to the Carnival Liberty for two days to film how the new Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades are coming along and of course I will then return for the first cruise and report via the blog and via video on how the guests are enjoying them all. Obviously they all have to be built and it’s only then that the crew can get in amongst them and learn everything. By that I mean the chefs have to practice making Guy’s burgers exactly as he would. The mixologists have to learn to make all those new cocktails at the Alchemy Bar and they have to learn this intriguing prescription way of ordering those cocktails. The chefs have to practice using the taco machine at the Cantina and I will be reporting to you on all of the above.

One big change I think you will see on the Carnival Liberty and then as other ships get the Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades is how we utilize our Lido Deck. With the exception of when we have our deck parties the Lido pretty much shuts down doesn’t it at 6 pm. I have never liked this and I blame myself for not pushing the beards to do something about it. But now with this new Lido Deck and the two competing bars we have out there then it is time to change the way we use the Lido. This is roughly what we are planning for three or four nights of the cruise.

The bars will remain open until very late. Live music will continue throughout the day mixed with poolside activities etc. The live music will feature two different musicians or groups playing and supporting either the RedFrog Rum Bar or the BlueIguana Bar. This music will continue until 10 pm. At 10 pm we will play a movie on the big screen. We are also giving our movie nights themes with Superheroes, Best Picture, Chick Sodding Flick Night and Family Nights.

The big question was keeping the pools open. You see we have always closed them at 6 pm. Much of this has to do with manning and having staff available to be there. But it looks like we have overcome this concern and we are now looking at keeping the pools open until 10 pm or even midnight. I will let you know which as soon as it’s confirmed. My question though is I wonder how many will actually go for a swim that late at night. We shall see. We are still discussing keeping the water park open longer and I shall also let you know more about that as soon as I can. Carnival Liberty will be the test ship for all of this and we will no doubt have to make changes along the way. But one thing is for sure, the much underutilized Lido deck will change for the good over the coming months and it’s been a long time coming. What do you think to all of this?

So yesterday I went shopping for essentials such as toothpaste and hemorrhoid cream and some much needed deodorant because it continues to be hotter than Satan’s scrotum here in Miami. And so off I went to the nearest Wal-Mart, the largest shop I think I have ever been in, which is on NW 87th Avenue in Miami. Or is it? Because when I walked through the door I felt like I had entered Spain or Cuba or Venezuela or Columbia. Now I realise that there are many, many Spanish speaking people in Miami, in fact I have answered a comment here on the blog a few days or weeks ago from someone who felt that we should speak more Spanish on ships sailing out of Miami. I also know that there is a proud heritage amongst the Spanish speaking people here but nothing, nothing had prepared me for just how prevalent the Spanish speaking language was in this particular Wal-Mart. I say this also because I asked someone (and this isn’t a joke as Mel my PA was with me) who was wearing red Ask Me shirt where the toothpaste was and he simply said “No intend” ……..I couldn’t believe it. So I had no choice but to use a visual aid and therefore stood in the middle of this massive Wal-Mart demonstrating to Jose the art of brushing my teeth. He got the message and pointed to where I should go. I decided not to ask him where the hemorrhoid cream was.

Anyway, that’s not why I am telling you about my shopping trip. This is why. I was searching for the Las Hemorrhoid Creamo when my sixth sense took over. Now, I do not have super powers although I wish I could be invisible…….I mean , I was invisible when I was a teenager as certainly any girl I ever spoke to certainly thought I was but I have sometimes wished I was, really invisible.  If I was, there are certain places I would to be invisible in. For example, Buckingham Palace to find out about what Royal Family. Does the Queen eat barbecue ribs with her hands, does she ever enjoy a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Does Princesses Katie dress up as a naughty nurse for Prince William? Does Prince Charles feed Camilla some hay and a carrot before bedtime? Then there is the White House Situation Room, just to see if it is anything like the one shown on my favorite program The West Wing. It would be amazing to see how emergency situations are dealt with and whether President Obama is in his underpants while doing so. I would also like to be invisible in Megan Fox’s bedroom and her shower but you knew I was going to say that didn’t you?

Anyway, back to El Walmarto and that sixth sense I was mentioning. In this case the sixth sense is being able to tell that someone is looking at me and talking about me which is something I have developed over the years and it was this “feeling” that washed over me as I removed Las Arseospoto cream from the shelf. I heard my name to my right, it was only a whisper but I had definitely heard my name mentioned by a female voice talking to someone else. Now, at the time two possibilities came to mind.

1. It was a beautiful senjorita who had read my blog and wanted to whisk me away to her father’s luxury beachfront house on South Beach and have el rumpio pumpio with me.
2. Then of course there was the possibility that someone knew me from the ship.

So who was it? I looked over to see two ladies waving and grinning at me as though they had just seen Johnny Depp……….naked. I did that thing where I look behind me thinking that their admirations were meant for someone else but of course I knew I had been “recognised.”

Realising that the ladies were indeed waving at me I decided to hasten this along a little by saying, “Hello ladies, how are you?” Well they were from Miami and one of the ladies said, ”We cruised with you twice on the Carnival Valor and the Carnival Freedom and we read your blog everyday” ………. The lady then continued, “We have booked a cruise in November on the Carnival Liberty with our families….we are so excited.”

I returned her kindness with words of thanks and then the ladies had a request. “Can we have a photo with you?” “Yes, of course,” I replied and I walked a few paces to stand next to them. Nowadays every cell phone has a camera on it and the ladies took it in turns to stand next to me as they took photos and then Mel took one of the three of us all together. As this was happening various shoppers and employees were looking at the man in sweat pants and a Miami Heat T-shirt trying to work out why he was having his photo taken. I want therefore to say a huge hello to Blanca and Lourdes (I told you I would forget your last names, sorry) and thank them for the kindness they showed me in El Wal-Marto……….and thanks for pretending not to notice that I had just bought an extra strength tube of hemorrhoid cream.

So, after the photos came the goodbyes and the ladies left looking with huge smiles on their faces and I headed to the check out desk to pay for my items. As I did a lady in her forties came up and tapped me on my shoulder and asked if she could have her photo with me as well. I said of course and asked her how she was and when she had cruised with me. She just smiled and said nothing as Mel took the photo. I thought that maybe she didn’t speak English very well but then it dawned on me. She had seen the other two ladies so excited and screaming at seeing me that she must have thought I was famous and decided to have her photo taken with me. But honestly, I could tell….she had no sodding clue who I was. Maybe because I was in a Miami Heat hat she thought I was Micky Arison. Simple mistake to make. We look alike and he shops in Wal-Mart all the time. Maybe she thought I was a sex object and wanted her photo with me. Actually, when I was in my early twenties I was indeed a sex object……..I asked many girls for sex …………… and they would all object.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John

Now obviously Carnival was paying and I was using my corporate travel card which I am cautious when using but I still get into trouble. You see I am supposed to keep all me receipts and fill in a form and the end of each month. Now that sounds easy doesn’t it but the problem is that the form is more complicated than quantum physics…….in Mongolian……..and I tend to lose my receipts which causes me to get a huge bollocking from the accounting ladies. Their names are Mercy and Dee and I know that they must look forward to getting my travel and expense forms as much as they would look forward to stepping in a huge pile of dog turds. So ladies, please accept my apologies and I promise to do better.

Anyway, I am allowed to rent a car but it must be no more than a standard car which poses me a bit of a problem. You see standard means bloody small and when you look like you’re eight months pregnant like I do, standard means sodding uncomfortable. Anyway, the rules are the rules and as I don’t fancy Dee’s foot in my arse, I ordered a standard car and they sent me a Jeep Cherokee which because as the concierge said “It was an upgrade as you stay regularly at the hotel.” He said that with the palm of his hand open and pointing toward me and so realising that this must be a Miami tradition I gave him a “low five ” and went to my car.

Driving in Miami as I have mentioned is something that I enjoy as much as I enjoy explosive diarrhea. I have written recently about the horrors of I-95 and the fact that Miamians have yet to discover there is a stick thingy in their steering wheels which activates things called indicators which tells the poor sod behind you that you are about to change lanes. But what I noticed today as I drove to the office was how many people in Miami have convertibles which in Miami is as ridiculous as me owning anything with the word “medium” on the label. Let me explain what I mean.

You may dream of driving a convertible car along Miami’s Ocean Drive waiting for a near naked Latvian woman on rollerblades to ask you for dinner at Prime 112 followed by loads of rumpy pumpy. Bollocks. I have driven a convertible in Miami and I am here to tell you that you will arrive at your destination with a clown-like red nose and a shirt that appears to have spent the past few months at the bottom of a Frenchman’s toilet. You just can’t drive a convertible in Miami, it’s 100 degrees and your skin will simply melt. But hold on because it’s not just the heat that is a concern, it’s the wind too. Wind you see messes up a girl’s hair. This is a fact. Every girl I know loves the idea of driving in a convertible, but after just a few moments every single one wants to put it up again screaming “My hair, my hair, put the roof up you bastard it took me 23 hours to do my hair and now its ruined.”

Even if you can manage the heat and the wind, you still have the problem of embarrassment, especially in Miami. This isn’t a problem in New York or London or Michigan or Botswana but in Miami I can promise you it absolutely is. You may think, as you cruise about in your convertible that you look good. But unless you are Megan Fox or Dwyane Wade, which you are not, I can assure you that actually you look a total plonker .

I can sort of understand the message you are trying to give out. That you love the wind in your hair? That you are young at heart? That you are available? But you aren’t. You’re middle aged and married and have massive sweat marks under your arm. But I don’t care. You see this Jeep rent a thingy I have drives like a drunken yak and I just saw a man drive into the Carnival office in a convertible Porsche 911. He doesn’t look like Johnny Depp and who cares if he has lakes of sweat under his arm, I want one. I don’t care about what people think and besides…..they say that Porsches are driven by men with a small gentlemen’s sausage. Well if that’s true……I should definitely be driving one then.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..here we go.

John Grubbs asked:
Hey John,

Just a note to say thank you for your blog thingy. I enjoy reading it and it helps me remember some of the great times I have had on CCL ships. My wife and I are sailing on the Magic Jan 8. I was hoping you would be our CD, but heck, you can’t do them all. We sailed with you years ago on the Jubilee. I remember you walking toward my wife and I in Playa del Carmen, you were wearing two different color shoes at the same time. I was going to joke with you and ask for a comp room upgrade. I already sent you a request to get us a reservation at The Chef’s Table and you were very kind to oblige our request. Anyway, since I figure we won’t get the upgrade we will just continue to sail on the carnival Magic and have another wonderful vacation. One last thing, have you ever considered doing a road show with the USO? You could bring a few of your dancers in their heels and feather outfits and be a real smash here in Afghanistan. There are a bunch of us guys that read and enjoy your blog thingy, it makes us smile and escape for a few minutes. We appreciate everything you and Carnival do. God bless and stay safe dude.

John G.
Kandahar Army Air Field

John says:
Hello John Grubbs,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I am sure many here will join me in thanking you for your service and I hope you are well and staying safe. I don’t ever remember wearing different shoes, what was I thinking? I am so sorry I can’t be with you in January and although I can’t give you an upgrade, it would be an honour to send you something to say thank you for doing what you do. Please can you remind me a few days before you sail on my Facebook page if possible or a month before here on the blog thingy? Thanks so much once again and I would love a chance to come out and entertain the people who deserve some fun more than anyone.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Patrick and Merry Crawford asked:

Just a comment really. You were our cruise director on Carnival Liberty on her maiden transatlantic voyage. I think 2002? Anyway, we think you were fantastic. We are now up to 50 cruises and haven’t had a better CD so don’t listen to some of those negative remarks.

John says:
Hello Patrick and Merry Crawford,

Thanks so much for the kind words, they mean so much and I hope that one day soon we will be able to cruise together soon. Its comments like this that keeps me going. Thank you once again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Owen Whitlock
John,

I just booked the blogger’s cruise today. I booked it through a TA (that would be me) and reading the posts, I am wondering if I will be able to participate in the activities since I didn’t book with the Cruise Critic TA.

Thanks.

Owen

John says:
Hello Owen Whitlock,

Thanks so much for booking the Bloggers Cruise 5 which I have every intention of making the best ever. You don’t need to worry about how or with whom you booked because there will be a full bloggers roll call in the next few weeks and we will take a list of names to see who is coming and to whom invitations and gifts will be sent. Look for that roll call soon and if you have any questions please let me know. I will see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

David Ronovitch asked:
Hi John,

I was on the Carnival Magic with you as cruise director and have two major complaints. When we cruised Europe with RCCL we had ATMs that gave Euros not dollars but I went to your machine and it gave me $300 not 300 Euros. I went to the front desk and they refused to take the money back and credit my account. This was terrible customer service. Then when we got off the ship we had to wait 45 minutes for a taxi but when we cruised on the Independence of the Seas RCCL provided us with free transportation to the airport. Why is Carnival so cheap? One last thing, while the food quality was good the service from our waiter wasn’t because of his lack of English skills and twice he didn’t understand what we wanted and brought the wrong thing. Overall I was not impressed and we never saw you except during the shows and on TV.

John says:
Hello David Ronovitch,

Let me start by apologising that you didn’t get to meet me. I do host all the shows and morning shows and try to be around the ship as much as possible but obviously I also have this blog and the Facebook page to look at as well. We do have signs at our ATM machines that say that that they give out US dollars but I do agree that we should have ones that give out Euros and I am trying to push for these for the Carnival Breeze. The taxis are a negative in Barcelona as there just don’t seem to be enough to cover all the guests from the various ships that use Barcelona as a home port. I was surprised to read that RCI gives free transportation to their guests to get to the airport. We offer a shuttle service for $19.95 to the airport which is very popular and for Carnival Breeze, next year I would recommend that people think about this option because of the taxi problems you mentioned. All our waiters do speak English and I am sorry if your waiter did make a few mistakes with your orders. I will pass this comment to the ship and I thank you for taking the time to write this. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes and hope to see you soon.

John

Cubs Fans Cruisers asked:
Mr. Heald,

Your potty mouth humor is something that I have to subject myself to in order to get the information that I admit this blog does provide. I am sure many others will agree that you step way over the line with your comments some of which seem to be politically motivated and your comments about the environment are particularly disturbing. My DW and I will be on the Conquest in December BKG#****** and as it’s our anniversary celebrating 30 years I would like a table for two so we can spend some romantic times together. Both of us are educators and we deserve this time together. I suggest you consider changing your ways as you would for sure receive more readers.

John says:
Hello Cubs Fans Cruisers,

I am sure you are very excited to be sailing on the Carnival Conquest and I will ask the maître d to book a table for two for you and he will do his best to assist you. I realise that my silly sense of humour is not for everyone and my comments are my own opinions and like all opinions not everyone is ever going to agree with you. I wish you a wonderful cruise and I will try to find a balance of fun and information here on the blog thingy.

Best wishes and have a great cruise.

John

Michael Shelton asked:
Dear John:

Please help!! I don’t know who else I can ask. I completed a cruise on the Carnival Legend on August 7. After incurring over $2000 in Sign & Sail charges, I went to a future cruisers presentation on the last day of the cruise, where I was advised to (and decided to) get the Carnival MasterCard. Joel from the cruise desk said that my S&S charges would be transferred to the new card. I got the approval email the night before we arrived in port, but there were no Sign & Sail charges on it, and no points. So I went to the cruise desk and told Joel about the issue. He tried to “retrigger” the system to get my points for the $2,000 expenditure. Needless to say, it never happened, and I neglected to get Joel’s information since we were in the middle of disembarkation at the time. I wrote to my Carnival travel consultant, who just emailed me an overview of the program. I wrote to the card provider, who wrote me back that purchases have to be transferred to my account by the merchant (that’s Carnival). So now I’m stuck. I can’t get anyone via email or links in the Carnival website, and I can’t reach Joel on the Legend to see if he can send an email to get this fixed. I’m starting to be very disillusioned with Carnival. You were very good at getting me to book a grand suite and to spend over $2,000 aboard, but since the cruise ended, I keep running into one brick wall after another. Am I doing something wrong? Did I not spend enough? I’m putting the subject of this note as “Carnival Policies,” since the policy of Carnival seems to be to stonewall me. I would appreciate any help you can give me.

Regards,

Mike

John says:
Hello Michael Shelton,

I am really glad you took the time to write to me about this and I am sorry that it has taken a long time for me to get back to you. It seems there was an error here and its one we need to look into and indeed I will do this immediately for you and someone will be in touch with you ASAP. Please stay in touch with me and let me know what happens as we try to sort this out. My apologies once again.

Best wishes.

John

Ryan M and Tim K asked:
John,

My partner and I are booked on the Carnival Splendor’s October 9 cruise and am hoping that you can seat us at a table for 2. We are a gay couple and on our last cruise we were not accepted by our tablemates and this was very distressing. We will be in cabin 6355. Please can you get this for us.

John says:
Hello Ryan M and Tim K,

I will be happy to put a table request in for you and I see its this Sunday that you cruise so I am glad that I saw this now. I will certainly do all I can for you and hope you enjoy your cruise.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Paul and Michele Johnson asked:
John,

I booked a 7 day Mexican Riviera Cruise on the Carnival Splendor on July 31, 2011 from Long Beach, Ca. All I have to say is “WOW!” The crews service, food, entertainment, the excursions all booked through Carnival was to put in a few words nothing less than indescribably great, “OVER THE TOP!” We had such a great time and our quest for our 25th Wedding Anniversary was more than we could have ever imagined. Thank you to Roland the maitre d in the Black Pearl, the cruise director, stateroom steward, room service, cooks, and those staff members behind the lines who clean continually, great job. Your Splendor staff deserves our praise. We are hooked on Carnival. The “FUN SHIP” phrase is putting it mildly. Thank you for the best time. Carnival is on top of their game in all areas. I have been on other lines and they should be shaking in their boots. Your staff was awesome!

Paul and Michele Johnson – room 1021

John says:
Hello Paul and Michele Johnson,

This is a brilliant post and I am thrilled to have read it. Also thrilled will be Roland who will see this later today. I am so glad you had fun and what you said is a great advert for what Carnival is all about. Thanks so very much and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Alicia asked:
Dear John,

Sorry for repeating my question. I was just on my very first cruise on the Carnival Magic. I had a great time and the entertainment staff had a huge role in it along with you. I’m glad to know that you will be on the Caribbean cruise out of Galveston. I would like to know if the same dancers will be on that cruise as well. Please do let me know. I don’t mind if this question is published for there might be others who want to know. I truly appreciate your reply.

Many thanks.

Alicia

John says:
Hello Alicia,

I am so glad you had fun on the Carnival Magic and I see you will be back with us on the Carnival Magic in Galveston. The cast will still be on board although the new cast will be as well as they will be learning the shows ready to take over on November 27 when the old cast leaves. Once again I am so glad you had fun and I will see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Tracey Evans asked:
Reply John!!!!

There are rumors on Cruise Critic that the bed bug problem has returned on the Triumph. We are on her next week for our sons graduation cruise and I am now terrified that we will all get bitten. Please tell me what’s happening.

John says:
Hello Tracey Evans,

This is the last time I will type these words as you will see in a moment but I am happy to say the rumor on Cruise Critic is wrong, 100% wrong. There have been no reported cases in the past months of any bed bug problems and I see that you posted this on August 21 so you have already been on your cruise and have seen for yourself that there was nothing to worry about. I hope you have a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Amanda Myers asked:
John,

I have recently gotten home from the August 5, 2011 Mediterranean cruise and I just want to say that it was wonderful. I was in the singles group and had so much fun aboard. The staff was great and the food servers in the Southern lights restaurant were amazing. Petar, Zsusa, and Maximo worked extremely well together and remembered food allergies of people and made sure nothing they received had their allergy in it. They made sure everyone had the food they wanted and were always there when something was needed. They went above and beyond their duties as waiters and helped make this the best vacation I have ever had. All the staff was very accommodating. I will definitely sail with Carnival again soon!! Thank you for a wonderful vacation.

John says:
Hello Amanda Myers,

What a fun group you all were and your Bruce Springsteen chap from the Carnival Legends show was truly brilliant. Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I will make sure everyone on board sees your words of praise. I miss the ship a lot and I know what a brilliant crew we had there. I hope we see you and the singles group again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Julie asked:
John,

I have a couple questions about dining. There have been rumors that they no longer serve lobster tails and prime rib on the formal night and that they are not serving the buffets after 4 p.m. Please say this isn’t so!? I have been bragging these two things up to my family for years and now I am going on my 10th cruise and taking most of my family with me (most of them have never been on a cruise) and I would hate to disappoint them.

Julie

John says:
Hello Julie,

I remember this was mentioned on my Facebook page a few weeks ago and I answered then that both these rumours were false. We have not stopped serving lobster tail and prime rib and the alternative dining continues as normal from 5:45pm – 9:30 pm. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and thank you so much for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Ruth Moorman asked:
Dear John,

I’m so excited to have booked my 10th cruise on the Carnival Valor with my husband and two daughters for Dec. 18th. The problem is, we are only listed as having been on seven previously instead of nine. I’m sure that this is because we were on the Carnivale in ’88 and ’89 and they probably didn’t keep computer records then. What do I need to do to get my platinum status that I have been looking forward to for so long? P.S. I’m in my underwear too!!(A rather granny-ish nightgown, unfortunately!)

John says:
Hello Ruth Moorman,

Writing in your underwear feels liberating doesn’t it? Anyway, thanks so much for your loyalty and I will now send this to someone to see if they can help you. If you have proof of these cruises, photos, tickets etc there will be nothing to worry about and someone will adjust your status accordingly. I will send this to the beards now and you will hear from someone soon.

Best wishes and have a brilliant 10th cruise.

John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow.

Over the past few months I have had some real concerns with posts from Cruise Critic members. As I mentioned yesterday there are some who post there who do not like anything about me and have said things that are personal attacks on me. Fair one. That’s their choice and I have to accept that and I do. There are also a few who are bullies and on the very few occasions that I have read the links that people post here, I am always surprised that they are allowed to continue to post their venomous replies. There are also those who I think have never cruised with Carnival or who sit naked in their parent’s attic doing their best to slam Carnival as much as they can. Then there are those who hate Cruise Critic and will post here pretending to be a Cruise Critic member just to damage the reputation of the site further.

So I have decided to act and have made this decision mostly because I am so bored with trying to decide if the post is true or not. So as of today I will not post any comments that have the word Cruise Critic in it. I am doing this because most of the time they are spiteful and hateful regardless if written by a true Cruise Critic member or not. There is no doubt that the site is full of wonderful people helping each other out just like we do here and on our Facebook page. But it is obvious that this can’t continue and I want nothing else to do with Cruise Critic posts, they can stay over there. I think it’s best for everyone.

Now the only exception to this are these two points. If there is a rumor that has started on Cruise Critic and you are concerned or want clarification if it’s true or not, please do write but please don’t include the link. I will then do my best to say that it’s true or false. I will also be proud to continue to help organise meet and greets as I think these are wonderful ways to make new friends and share the love of cruising with the people you have been writing with over the past few months. I hope all Cruise Critic members join me here and on Facebook.

What I won’t be posting anymore is Cruise Critic links and comments that say I am a Cruise Critic member, etc. And so for the last time ever, I say a huge thank you to all the wonderful people who help each other and share what is good and what Carnival needs to do better and if there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know……and I say the same to those who don’t like me.

So here I am in Carnival’s marketing department writing this blog and getting ready for the next meeting. I am surrounded by tofu and EyePhones, of course. Now as you know I don’t have one of these and I know that the EyePhone has been a huge success, and no small part of that success is down to the rise of the application……..or “apps” as the beards call it, which are little floating stools of downloadable software ranging from currency converters to a pretend pint of beer.

They can do anything from turning your phone into a flashlight and making it look and sound like a light saber, all the way up to a device that measures exactly how much of a bloody idiot you look while wielding your light saber phone in public. There are some amazing apps. The iFart — the phone makes a noise like a fart. It’s a fart made cool by putting the letter “i” in front of it. Popular with schoolboys and…….ummm……people like me I guess. Still, I don’t need an app for that as I have an arse for that. There’s also Take Me to My Car — it works like this: you get out of your car and the app pinpoints your location via GPS and then, later, it guides you back to your car. If you’re the sort of person who can’t find your way back to your own car, then frankly you and this (cr)app deserve each other. Another favorite is Hold On! — a big button appears on the phone’s screen. You see how long you can hold it. That’s it. And finally, there’s Good iDea — find someone who’s bothered to download Hold On! or any number of equally mind draining EyePhone applications. Next, take their EyePhone forcibly from them, and shove it right up where their light saber app don’t shine.

Can I suggest another EyePhone app? Here’s what it does: if anyone in your meeting says anything such as “Let’s ladder up and swankify this idea” or uses their phone to drink a pretend pint of beer, what you do is simply press a button on your EyePhone and it remotely and silently lifts up a pair of my underpants that have been recently iFarted into and uses them to gag the person who is talking such bollocks……..yes……….there should be an app for that.

The beards are obviously depressed today and I can certainly understand why. Steve Jobs was an incredible man and it is obvious we have a lot to thank him for. Our children (Kye included) who so easily use touch screen of iPads and iPhones (spelt correctly in his honour) will surely never be able to fathom what life was like before Steve Jobs revolutionised their lives. His main gift seemed to be giving the world exactly what they wanted which is something Carnival tries to emulate and as people we should too.

It was a fitting tribute that today as I went to have a meeting about the bloggers cruise that on one of the beard’s desk was an EyePad………with an app showing a burning candle. I asked Jordan our Director of Carnival.com how he felt and he simply said……………”iSad”

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

So my faithful male bloggers let me tell you what she had to say. According to Miss Cosmo, it’s all about the area just under your belly button, which I call my crab ladder but which Miss Cosmo called your “sacral chakre”……..that’s honestly what she said. What you wear near here speaks volumes about you. If you wear long johns, you’re saying: “I want to be warm and need a hug.” If you wear boxers, you’re a fellow who “lets it all hang out.” What a load of massive bollocks. There’s more because Miss Cosmo then told the TV audience that the colour of your underpants is deeply meaningful. Reds and oranges suggest you’re the “life and soul,” darks or pastels that you’re “somber and serious.” She then added that the current fashion is for contoured underpants that move with the body for that “stay-put factor” as worn by Calvyn. This does though make sense. Then things went downhill as male models paraded through the studio wearing various types of underpants including those David Beckham-types which come with a sewn in cucumber down the front. There were two older ladies on the front row of the studio audience, one had a stroke and the other couldn’t reach. Seriously it really pissed me off. Men should wear underpants that are comfortable and not what pleases women. If this show had been a true representation of men and their undergarments then I should have been invited to represent the average man and come out wearing a pair of underpants that look like a giant diaper and whose insides look like the runway at Heathrow Airport.

Time for some Q and A…..here we go

Lotti A asked:

We are going on the Carnival Valor on October 2. It will be me and my partner and our three-year -old son in the cabin number 1398. My partner and I would like a free gift because we were going to go to Six Flags in Georgia but decided we would spend our money on Carnival. It will be my birthday during the cruise and my partners late in October. Can you send us something? My friend Sue told me about you.

John says:
Hello Lotti A,

Thanks so much for cruising with us and I am sure you will have a brilliant time. I don’t know what Six Flags are so I will have to ask Uncle Google for information. We are glad you are cruising with us and yes I will send you a little something.

Best wishes.

John

NYchic asked:

Writing this on your blog is a pointless exercise but you need to see my experience on the Carnival Glory was my worst cruise experience ever. I also know this will have your pathetic cheerleaders roasting me but I don’t care because they are clueless cruisers who have been brain washed by your promise of free stuff in the cabins. It makes me laugh that they think you know them and they are your friends. I am sure you won’t read or post this because unless it’s a post that says how wonderful John Heald is or that Carnival is the best (usually a request for a free gift follows) but if you really are a brand ambassador and a professional you will.

John says:
Hello NYchic,

I am going to pay bugger all attention to the personal attack on myself and the people who read this blog because it is pointless and concentrate on the review you posted. I am so very sorry that you did not have a good time and I have sent this review immediately to the people who need to see it both on board and shore side. The one section that really concerned me was where you said “the crew’s complete indifference towards the guests” because that is something that we work so hard to make sure it does not happen. And in fact for the most part it never does which is why when I get a comment like this it stands out a mile. I have sent this to the ship and the shoreside management and I apologise that you did not enjoy your cruise. I have your email address and have sent this along with your post to our guest services team for follow up. My apologies once again and hope that we will see you again where I promise we will do better.

Best wishes.

John

Tofer Keleigh asked:
Hi John,

I’m super excited for my upcoming cruise. It’s coming at the perfect time at the end of a stressful year including a huge move to a new city. Anyhow, on to why I wanted to write. I read two of your emails and was offended by both (though neither is your fault). In one a frequent floater (thank Goose for giving me that one) posted about the Friend’s of Dorothy meetings, and it was pretty degrading to be referred to as “those type of people,” like we had leprosy. I appreciate the way you handled it, and appreciate that Carnival has those meetings. And the second was some son of a jackal was criticizing your humour and your look. I don’t think anyone gives two grapes what you look like. You do your job, and you do it well, and I look forward to a chance to cruise with you in the future. I’ve begun to read your blog on a semi-daily basis. Find it quite entertaining AND I learn loads. Thank for all you do!

John says:
Hello Tofer Keleigh,

Thanks for those kind words and as I have said before here on the blog I have had to develop skin as tough as an elephant’s dangly bits. I am sure you know as well that often when people write things like “those type of people” it comes from mostly a lack of understanding and yet I also know how hurtful comments like that can be. Carnival ships all have Friends of Dorothy meetings and we are happy to be able to provide a chance for our gay and lesbian guests to meet. I truly appreciate your kind words and I hope you had a wonderful time on the Carnival Valor and if there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Patricia Richards asked:
John,

I wrote to you in July with this and this was your reply:

Patricia Richards asked:
John,

My niece just graduated from high school and I am taking her on the Fascination July 28. We are in cabin number M108 and I think you should send her something for her graduation. She takes size XXL and a Carnival T-shirt would be nice.

John says:

Hello Patricia Blackden,

While I won’t be sending her a T-shirt I certainly will be sending her something for her graduation. I hope you and her family are very proud! Have a great cruise and I am glad I saw this question in time as I see you sail next week.

Best wishes.

John

How disappointed we were when you sent a cheap fake gold trophy and a few strawberries. Is this how Carnival thanks its customers? I also wanted to ask why there is a charge for her to have sodas when on NCL they are all free. John I am so disappointed in you and in Carnival and my last name is Richards you called me Patricia Blackden in your reply, I don’t know who that is but it shows how unprofessional you are if you cant even get my name correct!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Patricia Richards,

Thank you for taking the time to write. I know you asked for a T-shirt but as I mentioned in my original reply I could not send her one but would send her a gift. I hoped that what I had sent would have been enjoyable and I am so sorry that it wasn’t appreciated. I was not aware that sodas for children were free on other cruise lines and I am surprised therefore to read this. I truly hope that you and your niece had a wonderful cruise. As far as the name, I am not sure what happened there, I will have to research but I sincerely apologise for writing your name incorrectly. I do hope that you had fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

David Michael asked:

As a platinum guest I think the Behind the Fun tour that I had to pay for on the Carnival Freedom should be free for all platinum guests. We should not have to pay the same price as passengers on cruise number 1. This was my 14th cruise.

John says:
Hello David Michael,

Thanks so much for your loyalty and I in a few days time I will be interviewing Rob who is in charge of our new loyalty program. I know that he is looking at improving the benefits but I don’t think making the Behind the Fun complimentary for Platinum guests will be one of the new additions. Each ship carries proudly many, many Platinum and Milestone guests so to have this as a complimentary event would not be possible as only 16 people can take part. Please check back here in the days ahead to see what the new program will be all about and I thank you most sincerely for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

John Alred asked:
John,

There is a young man working as a waiter on the Carnival Elation who deserves a huge raise. His name is Dario and he is the best waiter I have ever had on my eight cruises. I have cruised with RCI and Celebrity and Princess but this was my first Carnival and it will not be the last. This was because of the crew who were the best most friendly team I have ever experienced and at the top of the list was Dario. I cruised with my wife and our two children. Our youngest son Toby has special needs and can be quite a handful during meal times. Dario though was amazing and not only made sure we had what we needed but also entertained Toby every night and made him laugh out loud which I can tell you is not easily done. I was surprised that Carnival does not give out comment cards and so I was told by a colleague at work about your blog which I must say is very funny and I hope that you will show Dario’s managers that they have a superstar working on their ship Elation. We all had a great time and we will be back.

John says:
Hello John Alred,

This was a joy to read, truly a joy to read. We used to have comment cards on board but now they are sent to some guests online so maybe by now you have received yours. If not I promise that Dario will be recognised and that both he and his supervisors on board and shoreside will see your brilliant words of praise. I hope that we will see you again and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes to you all and well done, Dario.

John

Alan asked:
John,

You won’t remember me I am sure but you helped arrange with Butch on the Carnival Dream a wonderful ceremony for my son who had been severely injured in an IED in Afghanistan while serving with the Marines. The wedding proposal you arranged for him was breathtaking and on October 15 Brandon my son and future daughter in law will be getting married. I know you see lots of hate mail here and I am always trying to defend you on Cruise Critic where a few people seem to take great joy in saying nothing but nasty things about you so I wanted you to see that you do make a difference in many people’s vacations and their lives. Thank you and I wish you could be at the wedding where my son will be walking down the aisle on his new leg which I never thought he would be able to do. We are all sailing on the Carnival Miracle in December and I wish you could be there as well.

John says:
Hello Alan,

I do indeed remember your request for this proposal and of course I remember it because of the extraordinary service your son gave as a U.S. Marine. I am thrilled to see that in a few weeks time they will be getting married and considering all he has been through I am sure that this will be a very proud day for you and I wish I could be there to see it. If there is anything at all I can do to make your next cruise more enjoyable please let me know and I wish you all a very happy day on October 15.

Best wishes to all.

John

Marlene G asked:
Hello John,

Can you tell me if there will be any special services and meals for Yom Kippur during our cruise on the Carnival Freedom? This is very important to all your Jewish passengers and I hope you make sure that something is done to recognize Yom Kippur.

John says:
Hello Marlene G,

I asked Uncle Google and I can see that Yom Kippur starts at sunset on October 7. Normally we do not have anything organised for this Yom Kippur however should members of the Jewish faith request a service while onboard we will organise a lounge and help with any other requirements as best we can. It would have to be an unsupervised service though Marlene so if you feel you would like us to do this please let the guest services desk know and the CD will announce and prepare accordingly? I have sent this to the ship to alert them in advance. I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Matthew Potter asked:

First of all, just want to join the chorus and say how much I love your blog. LOVE it. I’ve not been on a cruise before but my wife enjoyed hers so much that she talked me into one. We’re sailing from Galveston on the Magic January 1, 2012. We were disappointed to see that you won’t be our cruise director. My question might be a little different but hopefully you can give me some insight or direction. We’ve been visiting Jamaica for years now and always bring a suitcase full of school supplies for a local school near Negril. We won’t be able to get to the school during our scheduled port stop and were wondering if you guys had any recommendations how to get some school supplies to needy children in Jamaica and Mexico? We feel so fortunate to be able to vacation and hope to be able to share some of this with the beautiful people in the countries we visit. Let me know if there’s any direction you can provide. Much appreciated and keep up the good work.

Best Regards,

Matt Potter

John says:
Hello Matt Potter,

How wonderful of you for thinking of the kids. If you can manage to get the supplies to the ship we will make sure that they are sent to the local orphanages in Mexico and in Jamaica. May I suggest that you buy a Hallmark type card and when you hand the supplies to us on the ship you include a card and maybe a photo of you so the children will know who this kind gesture is coming from. Please can you remind me here a month before you sail or on my Facebook page a week before you sail so I can alert the ship and prepare the paperwork accordingly. Once again many thanks for your kindness and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today. Normally I would say that I will be back tomorrow but I won’t be as I have to pack and spend the day with the family whom I won’t see now for another two months. I am not going to bore you with how that makes me feel because I think you all know. I will though be on Facebook on Saturday night and on Sunday while in New York. I have meetings as soon as I arrive because such is the importance of this event that everyone with a beard is coming. Gerry Cahill, our president and CEO, will be there as will three senior vice presidents and of course our chief marketing officer and his team. Stephanie and Peter the Hair will join me as we will be posting videos of the event and post event interviews with___________ and with __________. Those two blank spaces are very exciting indeed I promise.

One thing that isn’t going to be fun is that I have to get a taxi from the airport to the hotel and then throughout my stay I will have to use the NY taxi service. The last time I was in New York was for the New Years Eve thingy last year and I as I stood on Madison Avenue I had a taxi…. “stolen.” I had been patiently waiting on the corner when a lady with huge sunglasses jumped out of nowhere and intercepted the approaching cab. Being British, I politely announced it was my taxi. “Oh, it’s YOUR taxi…….get the f**k out a heeeeeeeeere?” sneered the woman with the welding glasses……. before jumping in. There are many things in life that I know bugger all about and one it seems is taxi etiquette. I asked a New York friend of mine who told me that you must turn into a complete and utter bastard or this will happen all the time. Cab-stealers I was told are the scourge of the city and you have to be assertive and stand your ground or you’ll end up defeated and….…..even worse ……….walking.

Anyway, I am still not totally sure of my schedule while in the Big Apple but I do promise you will be among first to know what’s happening as I will be blogging live from the event. One thing I can guarantee is that the event will feature something that has become the scourge of the modern corporate world…..the PowerPoint presentation. I can understand why so many people use it because giving a presentation is like acting or singing — many think they can do it, few really do it well. One of Carnival’s senior beards gave an entertaining presentation to the Carnival Magic crew during her delivery. Sadly, he was followed by someone who wasn’t very good and I know many people in the Miami office would rather staple their ears to their desks rather than attend one of his/her presentations, PowerPoint or otherwise.

When I first introduced Gerry Cahill onto the stage during the Carnival Splendor’s naming ceremony, I could see that he was very nervous indeed. Remember he came from an accounting background which is why he came on stage holding his security blanket………..a calculator.

These days he is polished, he is fun and he speaks directly to his audience but most importantly he is himself and he is able to do all of this without a sodding PowerPoint. You can make it in business if you’re a bit shy, if you have the breath of a camel or the face of Bill Gates, even if you’re a bit thick. But if you’re scared of public speaking, you’re buggered because you will at some point have to address a group of people. Surveys consistently show that public speaking is as common a phobia as spiders, snakes and the French — and now you don’t just have to speak in public, you have to speak in public using PowerPoint. Can you imagine Churchill using PowerPoint?

So there I will sit at the big meeting at our advertising and PR partner’s office. There will be talk of blue sky thinking and that this is mission critical and there will be lashings of coffee, sandwiches and yes, PowerPoint. You raise an index finger to make a point. I don’t speak their language so I will pour myself another cup of coffee, help myself to another triangular tuna sandwich and listen to beards say things like; “We must maintain focused on the guests so that we can incentivise and swankify what is happening and take it to the next level.” I will look round the table at all the beards and the marketing and PR people, the sort of people who whip out their laptops every time they’re at an airport and know what a Wi-Fi looks like. At present, the world’s beards are physically incapable of sitting down at an airport for a moment without flicking open the computer and pulling a serious face while pretending that the machine is actually doing something. It isn’t. You spend the first five minutes waiting for the damn thing to stop making chiming noises and the next 20 discovering that it won’t connect to either 3G or the Edge, and that you cannot remember the password you chose for the T-Mobile hotspot is Iwantabiggerthingy……by the time you log on they have called your flight and it’s time to go.

So instead of pretending to be an international mover and shaker who cannot be out of touch for a moment, leave the sodding thing in your carry on and spend the time either thinking about stuff or reading a good book. Both of these activities will ensure you’re a better, cleverer person, and that’s a good thing because most people would rather do business with a chap who’s read a Tom Clancy novel than some nerd who reckons a widescreen EyeMac PowerTrip makes them look important.

I always feel out of place at these meetings. Everyone has perfect teeth and my teeth are not perfect. They have a yellow tint to them and one is as bent as a dog’s back leg. And as they talk about blue sky thinking and living outside of a box, I will have to bite my tongue and force myself from actually saying: “I’m sorry but what the bloody hell are you going on about?”

Anyway, the beards have put a huge amount of work into this event and I will do all I can to support them. I still can’t tell you (sorry Cruise Critic folks I know how much that annoys you) what it is we are doing but trust me it is brilliant and I can’t wait to tell you what’s next. So please join me on Monday and I will let you know what’s happening.

I wrote my comments last night for this event and this meant I worked until quite late. Once downstairs I realised that I made a fundamental error. Dinner was over. The dish washer was on, the chores completed which meant Kye was in bed and Heidi was relaxing, in front of my sexy 50 inch plasma TV which meant horror of horrors………she had the remote control.

I hate not being in command of the remote control and if I dare to suggest that I go watch the TV in bedroom I get that hurt, you don’t love me and you’re leaving on Saturday and I won’t see you on Saturday and you are a complete bastard and I am going to tell my mother look. Forget Lorena Bobbitt, the best way to castrate a man is to take away the remote control. It really is the worst thing a woman can do which of course is why women enjoy doing it so much. There are so many things we could be watching at one time and for women to deny us of this basic instinct should be illegal and any woman found doing it should be made to wear her husband’s underpants as a hat for one week. Heidi always comes into the room and grabs the remote saying “You’re not watching anything.” And technically I am probably not. But I do intend to spend the rest of the evening using the remote control to do the following:

• Watching Latvian women’s beach volleyball on ESPN 27
• Flicking through 20 channels in 30 seconds pausing for no more than 1.1 second on each one.
• Any channel that is showing West Wing re-runs.
• Catching the fart scene from Blazing Saddles only to discover its being shown on AMC and they have taken the fart noise out so all that’s left is a bunch of men sitting around a campfire lifting their arses off the ground.
• Watching the History Channel’s three week marathon entitled “The French Surrender.”
• Flicking through all the major networks and cursing out loud that the “bloody commercials are on at exactly the same time on every bloody channel.”
• Watching the Playboy Channel with your finger hovering over the channel down button in case your wife suddenly walks in.
• Watching Barney and realising you are watching the purple dinosaur even though Kye has been in bed for hours and realising it really is time to kill yourself.
• And then after surfing through all 150 channels you scratch yourself downstairs …….. Wipe your KFC encrusted hands on the couch….and moan that there is bugger all on.

How can you explain this to a woman who wants to sit through a show featuring six desperate moaning fake breasted women and one exceedingly metrosexual Australian man? This is why men, you must never ever give up control of the remote. See you in NY on Facebook over the weekend.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I am so bloody ill. For the last week I have had a runny nose, a sore throat, a nasty hacking cough and every few minutes my eyes fill with water — all the ingredients you need to make a convincing Nyquil commercial for the television. Yep, I have a cold. I was so pissed off because instead of playing with Kye in the park and taking my wife for a romantic dinner and sitting with my feet up watching my plasma TV, I spent a day in bed and three days feeling bloody awful and feeling like a total bastard because I gave it to Kye and seeing her little red face and runny nose was just awful. How come we’ve been to the moon, invented the Eyepad, built the Carnival Magic and created ways to watch Latvian women remove their clothing very slowly, on the World Wide Web thingy but still no one with a beard knows how to simply cure the cold?

And on Wednesday…….and you won’t believe this, even though it was my vacation, my one week off, Heidi decided to be selfish and get the cold, as well. Yep, that was me then looking after Kye and fetching and carrying chicken soup and throwing away her snotty tissues even though I was on my holiday and that I wasn’t feeling great myself. Unbelievable isn’t it? Anyway, this whole cold thing is not to ask you to post loads of sympathetic comments below (OK, maybe a bit) but to lead you into this next subject, which is entitled The Worst TV Program Ever Made. I came across this while Kye was having a nap and while Heidi lay on the sofa wrapped in a blanket blowing bits of Shrek out of her nostrils every five minutes. My suggestion that we should watch a whole day of Sopranos reruns was ignored. She was ill, I had made her ill and thus she would watch “her programs.” Those words alone have my old mate Horatio flaring up because in the past that has meant I have had to endure Sex and the City, The Bold and the Bollocks and various British soap operas. But nothing prepared me for that afternoon where I was forced as a loving dutiful husband who had not seen his wife for two months and had given her a cold upon doing so…….to watch back to back to back to bloody back episodes of something called Real Housewives of New York. I had no idea this program ever existed and as the opening voiceover told us we would be watching “wealth, glamour and New York style.” Style my arse. If you fed 50 cows on nothing but laxative chocolate for a week they would still not be able to produce as much s**t as the people who commissioned this show have.

Have you seen this? If you haven’t let me just say well done and tell you that all you missed were bullies in dresses happily parading their Cartier-filled lives in the reality television equivalent of a freak show. I don’t get it. Why does my wife like this, why does she record every episode and record the other shows like Real Housewives of New Jersey? Nothing happens. The women bitch and they moan and they bitch some more and then they get some Botox and then they get drunk and then they and their fake breasts go to bed. OH FFS!

I watched the first episode and then was told there were three more to go. I sat in my chair silently wishing my cold would rapidly turn into Bird Flu and I could slip silently into a coma. But I didn’t and episode 2 arrived. This featured some woman with mad looking eyes and another woman who was married to an Australian man who epitomizes the term Metrosexual.

This episode they were renovating a house and at the start of the show Heidi said that the woman would get “screwed” by the builders. Great, finally something worth watching. She would show some serious interest in his tool box and we would get some rumpy pumpy action…but we didn’t. She got screwed by the builders because the wine cooler was built into the wrong area of the kitchen. Oh joy. I am sure there are many of you reading this who love this show but honestly I would rather develop a genital wart then ever have to sit through this bollocks ever again. Fire the lot of them and bring the cameras to the ship and film Real Stateroom Stewards of Carnival Cruise Lines. Watching Ketut use a crow bar to get my underpants off the bathroom floor is far more exciting than watching a bunch of plastic women drink skinny margaritas. Countess my arse!

Time for some Q and A. Off we go.

Martin Ramsden asked:
John,

I need help with an excursion question before our cruise on the Carnival Freedom. I want to book the Chukka Cove horse back riding trip in Ocho Rios but need to make sure that my weight is not going to be a problem. I can definitely not as large as you but am definitely on the heavy side. The web site says 250 pounds and I am 260. I don’t want to get there and have them weigh me and tell me that I can’t ride. I called Carnival twice and got two different answers sums up Carnival’s customer service department recently which has been less then good and is always talked about on Cruise Critic. What do you advise I do, book or not? We cruise in January 2012 so let me know as quickly as you can so I can get my plans made.

John says:
Hello Martin Ramsden,

I checked with the tour operator and they are bringing in a special horse for you. His name is “Easy Rider.” He’s not any bigger than the others but he will have drunk 10 margaritas before you get on him and he won’t care how big you are. Seriously, I did check with the tour operator and you can indeed go on the tour so book away. It’s a wonderful trip and one I know you will enjoy in beautiful Jamaica. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Kelli H asked:
John,

We’ll be sailing the Carnival Pride for the 7th time this October. Please be sure to convey to “The Beards” how happy we are that the Bermuda itinerary has become available. Carnival Pride feels like our home away from home, but I have to admit, the Bahamas/Port Canaveral itinerary has become a little stale. My husband and I are so looking forward to the change up. I would love to see some new and exciting routes added, maybe offering nine-day cruises, or trying to work Half Moon Cay in a little more often. We love Carnival (This is my 12th, husband’s 10th), and we love sailing from Baltimore………so please!!! Let’s see if somebody can get creative in Miami. We’ll be purchasing our FCC either way.

John says:
Hello Kelli H,

I am very glad to know that you enjoy the Carnival Pride and the addition of some Bermuda cruises. We love Baltimore and signing an extension with the port shows our commitment and I am sure that in the years ahead there will be more itineraries and longer cruises as well. The beards read the blog every day and will see this for sure. Thank you so much for your support and I wish you a wonderful time on your forthcoming cruise.

Thanks for your loyalty and my best wishes to you both.

John

Chris Holloway asked:
John,

I am a long-time cruiser but relatively new to the Carnival line of cruises. My first Carnival cruise was last year. I just wanted to write you and let you know how upset I am about the recent changes in policy regarding smoking and cigar lounges in particular. Some of my fondest memories of the cruises I have taken are of sitting in the cigar lounge with a good scotch in one hand, a fine cigar in the other and surrounded by good, friendly people who were total strangers 30 minutes prior. Not having somewhere to sit back, relax and enjoy the finer things in life will take a lot of the fun out of cruising for me. Is there any chance that these policies will be changed? Are people pushing back on the changes or is it even worth doing so? I had planned on booking a cruise on the Carnival Magic for March of 2012 but now I may have to look elsewhere with more friendly policies toward cigar smokers.

John says:
Hello Chris Holloway,

I am not sure if you are aware but I am a cigar smoker too and have been for the past 15 years or so. I too spent many wonderful nights sitting with guests and sharing stories and conversations with other cigar smokers about the joys that a fine cigar always brings. So I know exactly how you feel when you lament at the passing of these beautiful lounges that were created especially for cigar smoking. But times change and while many places on land have completely banned smoking Carnival has a at least allowed for smokers still to have options and they include smoking cigars on the cabin balconies and in various lounges depending on the class of the ship. Carnival Magic is a ship I have just returned from and there we have some wonderful outdoor areas on deck 5 portside and while you will miss the big leather chairs of the cigar bars, smoking a great cigar under the stars is the next best thing. I wish you many wonderful cigar moments some of which I hope will be on the brilliant Carnival Magic.

Best wishes.

John

Rachael Ragsdale asked:
John,

I’m a new reader to your blog so I apologize if you’ve answered this before. I’m sailing with 11 people on the Carnival Magic on Jan 8, 2012 out of Galveston. We’ve cruised a lot, but never on a big new ship. Our family is so excited! I have two questions. First, I’ve heard rumors that the public areas, like the pool, slides, buffet, and comedy club get really crowded because there are just so many more people on this huge ship (compared to the older smaller ships). Is that true? I just want to be prepared. We are so excited, and I don’t want to be let down. Second, we have the Bahamas itinerary, and I’m a little worried about Freeport. There’s just so much more to do in Nassau than Freeport. My cousins and I (all between 21-28) will enjoy snorkeling and the beach, but our parents (ages 52-62) choose not to be seen in a swimsuit any more. Do you have any suggestions for excursions for the older adults in Freeport? Thanks for your help and I look forward to being a dedicated follower of your blog.

John says:
Hello Rachael Ragsdale,

Welcome to the blog and I hope it brings you some smiles and some good information. The Carnival Magic is our best ship yet. Yep, she really is that good and despite the fact that there are anywhere from 3,700 – 4,500 guests on board I can assure you that the way she is designed means you will never think that there is. Now there will be some lines at lunchtime, saying there isn’t would be ridiculous but they move quickly and with all the new lunchtime options including the barbecue, the new dining room lunch menu and the food served on Serenity I promise you will never grow hungry. We carried some large numbers while in Europe and even with 4,500 plus on board there were few, if any, comments about lines. Now Freeport has some good excursions and I would recommend the Freeport Island Tour and the botanical gardens for your parents and you can find out more about that at carnival.com. You will love the ship, you really will and I hope you will let me know if you have any other questions before you sail. Once again, welcome to the blog thingy and have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Lea J. asked:
Hi John,

I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful time my grandson and I had on our cruise. We just got off the Carnival Glory yesterday from a four-day cruise. I wanted to take him on a short cruise just to spend some time with him before school started back up. He’s 10, and this was his second cruise. His first cruise was on the Carnival Victory about three years ago, and he still remembers it. I have to tell you his favorite memory will always be the comedy shows we went to. We attended all four of the family shows. Al Ernst and Tommy Drake were our comedians and they had us laughing the entire time. The last sea day during Tommy Drake’s show, he chose my grandson to come up on stage to help him with a rope trick. I don’t think I have ever seen that child grin that big or for that length of time, consecutively! Tommy gave him the rope that was used and he says he is keeping it “forever.” I wish I could have taken a picture because it made the whole trip worth it to see the joy on his face at that moment in time. We had a few issues and frustrating moments during this trip, however nothing that was worth getting our panties in a bunch over! We ate ice cream for breakfast and room service for dinner at 11 o’clock on our last night. We sat in the drizzling rain, wrapped in a blanket, and watched a movie on the Lido deck. He finally got his warm chocolate melting cake for dessert. And BTW, he says that the chicken nuggets on the kids menu in the dining room are the absolute best he has ever eaten in his whole life! His words, not mine. Like I said, I just wanted to let you know what a nice time we had. They will be memories we will always be able to cherish, just between us! Carnival Rocks!!

John says:
Hello Lea J,

This is something that made me smile from ear to ear and I wanted to thank you for sharing this with us all. Both Al and Tommy are such wonderful people and always go that extra mile to help and entertain our guests and I wish I could have seen your grandson’s face while he was on stage. I will make sure both Tommy and Al get to see this and I know they too will be smiling when they do. Thanks again for taking the time to write and I hope you both get to spend some valuable time together soon. And I had better try the chicken nuggets I think.

Best wishes.

John

Juli Gilbert asked:
John,

My husband and I are cruising on the Carnival Liberty on Dec 10, we will be in room 8455, our first balcony (and an aft wrap at that) It will be our 20th anniversary. We are wondering if it is possible to have a nice dinner delivered out on the balcony one evening. Might as well get some use out of it, other than just excessive sun exposure. We think this would be a great way to dine as the sun sets. Is this available thru room service? I am new to the blog, but have been enjoying it very much.

Thanks!

Juli

John says:
Hello Juli Gilbert,

While you can order complimentary room service 24 hours a day, including wine and other spirits, we don’t serve the dinner menu on the balconies. I wish you a wonderful cruise and thanks for joining me here on the blog. If you have any more questions please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Jessemon asked:
John,

Have you ever considered writing for one of your famous British tabloid newspapers? With the lies you tell about a company that is continuing on the downward spiral and your constant references to sex and other filth means IMHO you would be perfect.

John says:
Hello Jessemon,

I wanted to thank you so much for making me realise the one thing that this blog has been missing. A Page 3 girl. Yep, instead of John’s Mate of the Week we can have a Page 3 girl which for those who don’t know is a standard in a newspaper called The Sun here in the UK and its page 3 is two of the reasons The Sun is by far the most popular newspaper in the UK. So thanks so much for that brilliant idea and I don’t know you well enough madam to even suggest that you feature in this new section but please let me know if you decide to whip your bra off for the good of the blog and thank you in advance for your support.

Best wishes.

John

Peter Winters asked:
John,

Just got off the Carnival Sensation and another fantastic cruise. I wanted to ask a behind the scenes question if I may? I notice that many of the staff on this ship was from Eastern Europe and there were less from the Caribbean than before. Is Carnival not hiring from “the islands” anymore?

Thanks John for all you do.

John says:
Hello Peter Winters,

I am very glad to know you had fun and enjoyed the Carnival Sensation. If you ask any senior beard at any cruise line they will all tell you that one of the greatest challenges they have now and one that will always be a challenge is finding the right crew. By this I mean finding crew members that have the right qualifications and abilities to be a waiter, stateroom steward, photographer, cook, cleaner or plumber. If you go back to when I first started with Carnival the island boys as we called them were the domineering nationality with Jamaicans, Grenadians and others making up most of the dining room staff and bar department. Then we started hiring in India and then Latin America and now as you say we have gone to countries like Russia, Belarus, Romania, Croatia and other Eastern European countries. That’s because there are at anyone time many thousands of crew at sea in this industry. I have no idea how many but each and every cruise line is hiring constantly to keep each position filled. On the Carnival Magic we had 48 countries represented (fleetwide, it’s more than 100 countries represented) and that I think is the answer to your question and shows that we are hiring from……well most everywhere ………except France….obviously. It’s our job to train the crew and mould them into the best at sea and for the most part I think we do a great job with this and can continue to proudly say we do have the best crew on the seven seas. I hope you agree Peter. Thanks for writing and I am glad that you had such a great cruise.

Best wishes

John

David asked:
Hello John,

I’m currently deployed to Afghanistan with the Air Force and I have a couple of weeks before I head home to be with my family. It’s been a long year and my lovely wife decided to let me book a cruise with Carnival. This will be my first cruise with one of the big ships and my wife’s second with Carnival. Originally I wanted to book the Spirit in December for Hawaii, but my darling wife made other plans. It was her idea to book a B2B in November on the Glory for the Western and Eastern Caribbean, which I think is awesome and will let me spend some time with my wife since we have been apart for a while. The second leg of the B2B is during Thanksgiving week. I do have a couple of questions. I’ve read on your blog there was a veteran’s meet and greet on your ship. Do most ships have veteran’s meet and greet? Veterans are wonderful people and there is always a great connection with military and veterans. I love talking to veterans since they have been there and know what we are going through. My wife always tells me that my face lights up when I talk to veterans. My other question is during Thanksgiving, does Carnival do anything special?

Thank you for your wonderful blog which I find great to read during my off time here in the desert.

-David

John says:
Hello David,

Let us start by saying thank you for your service and I see that you posted this just under a month ago so you should be home now and I hope you are relaxing and enjoying some time with your family. Congratulations on booking the back to back cruise on the Carnival Glory, your wife did good there and you will have a brilliant time. There will be a veteran’s meeting and it will be listed in the Fun Times. I hope you can go along and meet some people who have done what you are doing now and I am sure they will be thrilled to meet you too. As for Thanksgiving, there will be a big dinner and a wonderful night of celebrations. Talking of which, maybe you could ask your wife to send me a note on Facebook a few days before you cruise so that I can send you a welcome home gift from us all.

Have a brilliant time. Best wishes to you both.

John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow.

So here I am again, sitting here in my underpants in the office at home. It’s 9:45am, Kye has gone to play school and Heidi is shopping and so it’s just me and Planet Rock Radio and a cup of tea. I want to thank you so much for allowing me this last week off. It really meant a lot not just to me but to the girls, as well. So I guess we had better crack on then and let me tell you what’s happened and what will be happening.

More and more the beards are reading our blog and Facebook page and as one very senior beard said in a recent email “the blog and Facebook have become valuable of tools for us to see what our guests are talking to you and each other about. The opinions are written by honest Carnival guests and not by people as on other websites who may have an ulterior motive in writing negative statements.” This really was great to read and I can tell you now that from our President and CEO Gerry Cahill on down through the rank of beards they read this blog daily and the comments you make here and on Facebook. I am honoured by this and while I can’t promise that they will agree with everything you say or suggest that they are listening and that has to be a good thing.

Immediate proof of this came last week where after reading a comment on the blog about seat saving at the Punchliner Comedy Club a change in how we seat guests was made. So starting this past weekend each Punchliner host has been instructed to clear the lounge of all guests at the end of each show and then 10 minutes before the next show the doors will open again. This was already in place on a few ships but will now be standard practice across the fleet and should truly help. I also received a commitment from the same beard that the subject of deck chair saving would be addressed once again and this also came about from them reading your comments on Facebook. Yes, I know we have heard this before but there are new beards in town and I have nothing but faith in what they say. I will keep you informed on this of course.

I need to get something off my chest and apologise to someone on the Carnival Magic. I have no idea who that person is but I have asked Calvyn to post this bit on the crew notice boards on the vessel. Now like most major corporations on land we also have crew suggestion boxes. This is where the crew can drop in anonymous notes about anything they would like the ship’s command to address and these notes are then read out at the captain’s meeting each week. Now with the introduction of the new human resources director on the ship I am sure that these boxes will become obsolete as the crew will have face to face chats with someone should they have a concern. Most of the time the suggestions are about food with crew wanting different food based usually on their ethnic backgrounds. Occasionally there is a note about life on board or one that will have a little rant about a supervisor or manager but for the most part they are well written and usually things that we can act on. Although my suggestion of replacing my cabin steward Ketut with a 20-year-old Latvian girl was never honoured.

So at the captain’s meeting this past week there was apparently a note about me. James, the current CD, wrote to me and told me that a crewmember had complained that he had seen me smoking a cigar on the Lanai. Now as you know crew have been banned from smoking in all guest areas and are only allowed to smoke on the aft area of the lifeboat deck. Now for the most part I have adhered to. But during my last week on the Carnival Magic I was tired, my arm was hurting and late at night I took a walk, sat down with some guests from my home town who were sailing and did an informal “Cigars Night Under the Stars with John” which we host from time to time. This promoted an anonymous crew member to write “Cruise director was smoking a cigar in guest area. Should be one rule for everyone no?” Now obviously there were some giggles around the senior officer table as the senior cruise director and brand ambassador was mentioned in the crew suggestion box. But the crew member is right because as the rules stand I should not have been smoking and I certainly apologise to whoever wrote this and hope he or she sees this apology.

Do you remember a few months ago I wrote about a lady who had though she had booked a European cruise on Celebrity and realised she hadn’t when she boarded the Carnival Magic? Well it doesn’t just happen in Europe as you will see now from my colleague Butch on the Carnival Dream.

Hi John……thought you should see this.

Thank You and Kind Regards,

Butch Begovich
Cruise Director, Carnival Dream
Carnival Cruise Lines

From: DREAM CRUISE DIRECTOR
Sent: Sunday, September 25, 2011 04:48 PM
To: Heald, John (CCL)
Subject: FW: A – **** – BOOKED THE WRONG SHIP

A – **** – BOOKED THE WRONG SHIP
At 2:40 PM, Ms ___________came to GSS stating that she wanted to leave the ship now and wanted to have cruise fare refunded back. Gst claimed that she had verified with CCL Reservation Agent so many times that she expected to have a suite and a normal stateroom, to book them on the newest ship with animated characters walking around the ship, a turtle tank in the dining room, and a large water slide and leaning over the sea. Gst was very disappointed. Since gst also purchased CCL insurance. GSS found out that gst wanted to book for the Disney Dream but called in to CCL for the Dream reservation. GSS escorted off the ship. Their bookings were cancelled in the system.

There are so many places to go here but I think all I have to say is that we should have tried to keep her on board. Maybe we could have gotten her to believe that she was on a Disney ship. We could have doubled the charge of her cruise tickets for a start. Ahhh…….but she wanted animated characters walking around the ship. Well, we could have stuck two huge ears on the top of Fun Ship Freddy’s funnel…..do you think that would have fooled her? Still, thank goodness she had insurance and can now join Mickey and Goofy and have what I hope is a fabulous time on her Disney Dream and enjoys eating her dinner while being entertained by Donald Duck on a comedy trombone.

Just a quick note about my carpool tunnel thingy. A week’s rest has really helped but even now it has started to ache again. I saw Doctor Longfinger and he sent me to a specialist who I have an appointment with tomorrow and we shall see what he has to say. I have been trying a voice activated program and it works, well, sort of. It’s slow and it also won’t let me write words like bollocks or bugger or underpants……..so what’s the point. Let’s see what the doc says tomorrow. I will be writing another blog tomorrow and on Thursday and will be on Facebook each day.

I was supposed to be leaving home and heading for Miami on October 7 but that’s all changed because on Saturday October 1 I climb aboard a Virgin…….. sorry, the phone rang…….. what was I saying? Oh yes, I will climb aboard a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York. Why? Well to host a very special event on October 3 where I will be joined by Gerry Cahill and other very senior beards to announce the news you have all been waiting for regarding the Carnival Liberty and some other surprises as well. I will post minute by minute information on Facebook as the announcements and details are made and I am being joined by Peter the Hair and the video crew because there may just be some people there that you may recognise. You know, I have received a lot of flack on Cruise Critic about me not revealing what we are doing on the ship during her dry dock period and some of it has been quite nasty. So I hope they will be amongst those who join me on Facebook and on the blog on October 3. It’s going to be a great day and not just for those booking on Carnival Liberty!

Obviously this means I have to leave a week earlier which I don’t like and neither of course does Heidi. I haven’t told Kye yet either. I also have to tell Kye some other bad news when she gets back from play school today ……….Harriet her Hamster died today. Heidi found it face down in its food bowl, which was where it always was. But this morning it was different in the fact that its little feet were as blue as the Caribbean Sea. I wrote about Harriet six months or so ago here on the blog thingy and how Kye loved her……..for about 3 days before loving Barney more. Since then Harriet sat in her cage and just ate away her rejection. She ate and ate and refused to use her exercise wheel. I urged Harriet to be more active but she looked at me as if to say “Who are you to give me advice you fat bastard?” I did care though and had I known that her end was near I would have bought those diet pills from the guest on the Carnival Magic.

But now she is gone. Well…….ummmm………actually she hasn’t yet. She is still in the cage, her nose in the food bowl. I didn’t want to upset Kye before she went to school so I decided to wait until she returned and for the last few hours I have been rehearsing the words “hamster heaven” in my head.

But Kye is two and a half years old and although blessed with her mother’s common sense and intelligence, I don’t think she has quite grasped the concept of death yet. So I just say that she has gone to play with other hamsters and along with last night’s bucket of KFC. It’s what she would have wanted.

Goodnight.

Your friend

John

Had one of my friends been accused of spilling a beer over a man who looks like one of the ex- KGB, no-neck Russians we have on board this cruise who has muscles the size of Pamela Anderson’s knockers, than I would have stepped in, said it was me that did it and taken the beating……..however that would have made me feel extremely stupid today because I can’t even remember some of their names. How the heck did this happen, how did eight people who were as close as you could imagine suddenly….well……not be anymore?

I am sure the last time I said “See you soon” to them I truly believed I would. We had not had an argument, some of them hadn’t suddenly bought some sandals, grown beards and went to find a rare dung beetle in the Amazon, we literally just went home and never saw each other ever again. I had a quick look on Facebook and found a couple of them but still, why did we stop being friends? Bloody hell, I was best man in Tim’s wedding yet I haven’t seen him in 20 years. This is mostly my fault though because every time I go home from the ship on vacation what I like doing is staying in, watching TV, reading the paper and of course playing with my beautiful Kye.

Going out means dressing up, personal grooming and wearing nice clothes……things I do each and every day at work. If I do go out it’s once a week which means that I never get to see any of my old friends. When we are home we get invited out a lot and eventually after using up every excuse in the book, including being attacked by a rabid hamster and having a sudden onset of syphilis, I have to go.

I also have to say……….and I hope this does not sound pretentious……..but since the blog has 11,500,000 views and 18,500 on my Facebook page all of a sudden more and more “old friends” have started to get into contact. These calls all take the same form……”Hello, mate how are you?” ”It’s been too long, how’s Kye?” “Not made her a brother yet, ha ha?”………”I am doing fantastic”……”Really miss you”…….”We should get together”…..”Love your blog” ……… ”Come for dinner”……and oh yes, “Can I have a free cruise on the Carnival Breeze, please?” There is one bloke who we shall call David, because that is his name, who has started to call me after 10 years of nothing but silence, which was just fine with me. Let’s just say that on the list of people I would call to spend a night out with he comes just after the “We hate that fat bastard John” group on Cruise Critic ……..and anyone French. If I saw him coming toward me in the street I would start touching his bottom until he buggered off and if that didn’t work I would introduce Calvyn as my lover and ask if he wanted to join us tonight.

He has asked and asked to get together and Heidi being Heidi thinks we should and that it will be good to meet up again after all these years. But I don’t want to. Because through all his overtures of renewed friendship I know that he never paid for anything, it was never his turn to by a drink and we all thought he was tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm. All he wants is a free cruise. But Heidi as I said seems determined and is planning a get together on September 25. This means I have one choice and that’s to call the British police and tell them that in 1983 David Cookson broke into Shoeburyness Comprehensive School in Essex, peed in the swimming pool from the top of the diving board and it was he that went to the principal’s office and drew a huge red gentlemen’s sausage on his door. That should take care of that friendship then.

Time for today’s Q and A………….here we go

Graham R asked:
John,

Can you tell me if I wanted to bring a remote controlled helicopter to fly around the deck. Would that be allowed? I am an avid modeler and to be able to fly one of my helicopters around the decks of the Carnival Glory would be a huge thrill. I don’t want to bring it all the way from Pennsylvania and then get it confiscated. Please can you tell me if I can bring it?

John says:
Hello Graham R,

This is a first. I think you must be the first ever to ask me this and you know what, I had no idea if you could or not. So I asked the captain and security officer and they had no concerns about the radio frequency but we do have a safety concern for the guests on the deck that if the helicopter should fall then it could injure someone. Therefore, from an overall safety perspective I am sorry but we can’t allow it. I hope you have a wonderful cruise though and please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Joe Henry asked:
Just off a great cruise on the Glory. Wonderful staff. Many positive memories. But allow me to give you two comments for policy changes:

1) The Comedy Club. On Carnival Dream in April, the club was emptied after each show to allow a full new audience to come in. On Carnival Glory this week, the vast majority stayed from the first to the second (and to the third!) show. Many people were waiting outside and only a few were able to come in. I would suggest you implement the Carnival Dream policy fleetwide. If you have late seating dinner, you can almost write off the comedy club.

2) I could not believe staff was allowed to smoke during the safety briefing. We left our room on deck seven aft and entered the “crew only” staircase as instructed. It reeked of smoke! When we got down to Deck 3, we saw why: there were four crew members in dining room uniforms smoking cigarettes. Hundreds of passengers had to walk through the smokey gauntlet. Officers in white uniforms were directing traffic ignoring them. I cannot believe this is good, let alone legal, policy.

Can you please ask the “beards” to consider these issues? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Joe Henry,

Thanks for the email. Regarding smoking, the Deck 4 outside area is though the only place that crew can smoke since the new smoking regulations came into effect and I guess what we have to do is not allow the crew to smoke in the period leading up to the drill. We do allow them to smoke there but we should prohibit this as I said before and during the drill. Thanks for telling me this and we will get this changed. I will also remind the ships that the policy for the Punchliner Comedy Club is to clear the lounge after each performance and that is the only fair way to do this. Thanks so much for passing this valuable information and I hope you had a great time on the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Drake Ronsberg asked:
John,

I want to be a cruise director. I am a good singer and a great dancer and have been on three cruises. How do I get to be a cruise director and how quick do the promotions happen at Carnival? I am 25 years old and very funny. What do I do and where do I go to apply!!!!

John says:
Hello Drake Ronsberg,

Thanks for writing and may I suggest that you kindly go to the www.carnivalentertainment.com website and look at all the information there on the job of entertainment staff which is how all the CD’s start. Most cruise directors go through the process of entertainment staff to assistant cruise director and then, eventually, cruise director. There really is not any set time period for this but it can happen within three years or five, a lot depends on you, of course. I wish you all the best and maybe your dream to be a cruise director will come true.

Best wishes.

John

Lisa asked:
John,

I will be sailing on Carnival for my first time in Jan 2012. My mother-in-law has booked 16 of us on the Carnival Imagination. I am planning on making a goodie bag for the kids in our group (ages 9-17). Do you have any ideas of items I can include? So far I am thinking about glow sticks, sunglasses, candy, a lanyard to hold their cabin key. Also, does the Carnival Imagination have any theme nights? If so, maybe I can include items that work with the theme.

Thank you in advance for sharing your knowledge.

Lisa

John says:
Hello Lisa,

That’s a great idea and maybe you can include a scavenger hunt, as well, getting them to get signatures from an officer in a white uniform, a man with no hair, a bar waiter, etc. etc. There are no theme nights but maybe you can make one with funny wigs or hats. Apart from that, I would suggest that you add some decoration for their cabin door maybe. Have a think and let me know if you have any questions or if you need anything else. Congratulations on booking this first of what I hope will be many cruises.

Best wishes.

John

JetsfanTony asked:
John,

As football season is only a few weeks away I want you to make sure that the games are played on the giant screen when me and my buddies cruise the Carnival Dream on September 24. We sailed on the Carnival Freedom before and none of the games were put there and were in the small sports bar which upset hundreds of passengers and there was a near riot. I hope Carnival gets it right this time.

John says:
Hello JetsfatTony,

I spoke to the CD of the Carnival Dream and he will play the Sunday night and Monday night games on the Seaside Theatre but the daytime games will only be shown on the sports bar screens at the casino as we have live music and events on Lido for those who don’t like football. I hope this is OK with you and I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Romanow asked:
Dear John, (Oh, dear, it sounds like I am breaking up with you)

With things having gotten back to normal (darn, that stuff in the office was still there when I got back) after a wonderful two-week European vacation, the last week of which was a fantastic time on the Carnival Magic’s July 17 cruise, I have a chance to comment on the cruise. We were amazed that you and the captain were able to completely re-arrange the itinerary on all of three hours notice of Monte Carlo being closed the next day. It would have been so much easier for Carnival to just throw an additional sea day in and skip Monte Carlo, but the effort taken to retain the port of call was much appreciated. And we were very glad that you decided to keep everyone informed on the mayday call. We were among the hundreds lining the rails that night, and the captain was brilliant in maneuvering around to provide a portable sea wall for the vessel in distress. I don’t think the poor pizza pirate chef has ever had to serve as many pizzas at 2 am as he did that morning. The rest of the cruise as wonderful, as well as all of our excursions (booked through Carnival), from going to the top of two volcanoes and seeing Stromboli erupting, to seeing how the other half of the other half lives in Monte Carlo. Our wait staff (table 517, Southern Lights) was marvelous as were our cabin attendants (6419, 6495). Though we never got the chance to meet up with you (understandable with nearly 5,000 guests aboard), we always enjoyed seeing and hearing you at the shows, on the PA and on the TV. (I wonder if the Atkins managed to board their flight home on time?). This was our second cruise (the first being with Disney eight years ago, when the kids were wee ones), and we are certainly looking forward to cruising with Carnival again.

Thanks to you, the crew and Carnival for a wonderful experience.

Paul, Joanne, Thomas and Heather

John says:
Hello Paul Romanow,

Please don’t break up with me, I won’t do it again …..promise. I am really glad that you have taken the time to write as that cruise feels so long ago. The captain did indeed do a brilliant job in maneuvering the Carnival Magic to protect the yacht from the rough seas and both on board made it home safe thanks I think to his efforts. I will pass on your thanks to those mentioned and I hope that we will see you again very soon.

My best wishes to you and all the family.

John

Uptown Cruiser asked:
Hi John,

I for one don’t understand the near hero worship you have on this blog. It’s quite pathetic to see grown men and women thinking that you are their friend. If I want a table I do it the proper way and tell the maitre d’ at embarkation what I need and they always do it. But as I know I won’t get an answer from Carnival’s customer service I am also forced to write to you. My last Carnival cruise was on the Carnival Triumph and one area that didn’t impress me was the lack of food after dinner. On RCI there is a buffet every night and yet on Carnival it’s pizza or you starve. Also you might want to check cabin 1365 as the AC was so cold I had to stuff a towel in the vent. I told the cabin steward but nothing was done.

John says:
Hello Uptown Cruiser,

The only thing I will say about your opening lines is that they are my friends and if you ever need me to help you with anything I am here. I have asked the ship’s management on the Carnival Triumph to check the air conditioning in that cabin and see if it needs adjusting. Sometimes there is little your stateroom steward can do and often what is cold for some is not cold enough for others but I apologise that it was extreme for you and I will get it looked at. We used to have late night buffets but with our late night snack, 24 hour pizza, and 24 hour room service, I don’t think the word ‘starve” can truly be used for anything that we do on board our ships. I do hope you had a great cruise and that if you do need to contact me again that you will know I am here to help.

Best wishes

John

Karen Lian asked:
John,

When will Carnival put out information on the Carnival Spirit once it gets to Sydney? We keep calling and no one can help, we want to do two cruise stays in Sydney for two or three days and then get back on and cruise for 10 or more days. May have to go to another lines, can someone help us PLEASE.

John says:
Hello Karen Lian,

That’s an excellent question and of course it deserves an answer. I have posted this to a senior beard and I hope to have an answer for you very soon and will post it here as soon as I do Karen. Please allow me to apologise for the delay as final logistics are being put into place for our first journey to the Land Down Under. Thanks for your kind patience.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today and as I head to my one week break I want to thank you all for your comments. I will keep you up to date on all that’s going on here and on Facebook and after the week away I hope to give you more news in the coming weeks about some exciting projects here at Carnival.

You learn something new every day and a lot of the time it comes from guests who tell me things here and on Facebook that I never knew. For example, a guest pointed out that there was no Gideon Bible in his cabin. I did a little checking on this and am told that this change has been around for a couple of years now when we began provide bibles available upon request via the guest information desk and also have multiple copies in the ship’s libraries, which is standard practice on some other cruise lines I’m told and it’s worked out very well. For those who want to read the bible on board, all they need to do is simply ask their stateroom steward and he or she will deliver one to you. I’m sure many of our guests don’t go into the cabin and before checking the view from the balcony or what’s in the mini bar or if the bed is strong enough for a marathon session of rumpy pumpy before boat drill, look for the Gideon Bible. But they are still on board ready for when you need one. And this blog is the only place in the world where you will find the words rumpy pumpy and Bible in the same sentence ……… ooops. Still, I am a believer and I know God has a sense of humour…….and I bet she spells it correctly, as well.

So this will be my last blog for a week or so and the girls and my eyes and my arm are all grateful that I am taking a week off. I shall be seeing a specialist about my Carpool Tunnel thingy although I have to say that the acupuncture really did help. Yes it still hurts a lot but the tingling has gone completely now. Anyway, I shall go to the doctor and also have a diabetic eye test which on previous blogs I have told you involves these awful drops being squirted in your eye that leaves me crying like an Oscar winner. But that’s not the thing I am dreading the most ………nope…………that title goes to Dr. Drillerkiller……….the dentist.

Sometimes, I wish I was an elephant, not just because they have huge thingies but because if they are left alone they would never die. They have no natural predators and unless they are shot by some total bastard big game hunter they would never die and the world would be overrun with these incredible creatures. That’s why Mother Nature decided to say that when Mr. and Mrs. Elephant lose their sixth set of teeth it would be time for them to go to the elephant graveyard. I know this because I saw it on a BBC documentary called Blue Planet ……. extraordinary stuff by the way.

Humans are different. The enamel substance that coats our teeth is the toughest, most resilient parts of our bodies. I mean, look at these police forensic type programs. The guys can pull a body out of a swamp and even though the body was shot, stabbed, chopped up, bathed in acid and put through a mincing machine, one look at the teeth and they can tell us who the body was, who killed him and what his favourite cruise line was.

It seems therefore that people are obsessed with teeth…..…..and I am not. When I was very young I slipped on some ice, landed on my face and bent my tooth back. My Mum took me to a dentist called Dr. Steiger. He spoke with a heavy German accent and I will always remember that he had huge hands. I hated him. One time he opened my mouth and as he was looking around, dropped the mirror thingy down my throat. I couldn’t breathe and he was panicking, my Mum was panicking, I was turning blue and luckily the dentist assistant turned me upside down and managed to get hold of the end and pull it out….…accompanied by lots of diced carrot. And that was that, it was my last visit for many years to a dentist. My Mum tried to bribe me with toys and food but I would go, sit in the chair and refuse to open my mouth….. After a while…… they just gave up.

Later, as a single man I went to the dentist only once when I had a toothache that had lasted for days and only when the options were go to the dentist or shoot myself in the head. I went in Cozumel where the dentist said that all my teeth would have to be filled except three. I told him to “el buggero offo” and just take the bad tooth out. So, he pumped me full of that nova stuff and all the fear and tremor of the incident when I was young returned……….and so did my previous night’s dinner as I decorated the dentist and his chair in a bright coat of orange.

For the next 10 years, I didn’t go to the dentist at all and it does not seem to have made a difference. I have not been visited by Mr. Stinkybreath…..at least nobody has fainted when I speak to them because my breath smells like a skunk’s underpants. Then, I met Heidi and my teeth world changed as I was surrounded by an army of electric toothbrushes, floss and various toothpastes. Heidi also insisted that I have a dental check up every six months and because I am scared of her……I go. But when I do go I sweat, I shiver and often before going my head is buried in the toilet. Yes, I know I smoke cigars although since that avenue of pleasure was taken away with the new smoking rules my cigar smoking is virtually nonexistent these days.

But anyway, why do I need to have someone poke around in my mouth with a huge screwdriver? It h has proven that my teeth will last 1 million years after I am six feet under. Nobody has ever died of tooth decay, it’s the other parts that pack up first yet most of us don’t go to the doctors for a full service. But even then people still go to the doctors for nothing. I have to go for my company medical otherwise I can’t work on board. But there are some men who actually go to the doctor and say “Hello Doctor Longfinger,” I feel wonderful, no aches, no pains. I have never felt better but can you please strip me naked, have a good poke around and then please shove a video camera up my arse …..Just to look around.” That’s wrong and it’s the same for dentists, as I believe you should only go there when something is wrong.

But teeth have become an obsession for so many people. Here on Carnival Magic we have teeth whitening experts who promise our guests that they can after just one treatment look like a local news TV anchor. I know my teeth aren’t the nicest. One is as bent as a dog’s back leg and thanks to coffee and cigars, they are a little on the yellow side. But that’s mostly because while I am not afraid of being on stage and facing hordes of angry guests because we missed a port and have fear of spiders, snakes, muggers, monsters or Calvyn…I would rather cover my body in gazelle fat and wake up a sleeping lion by tickling his testicles with an ostrich feather…..than go to the dentist.

But I am a minority. These days so many people are not happy with the way they were born and the way the look. Botox, bigger breasts, smaller breasts, plastic surgery, replacement surgery, thingy enlargements, bigger bottoms, smaller bottoms, cosmetic surgery, teeth whitening, hair replacement…..the list is endless. I sometimes thing that God must be sitting on his cloud looking down at us and thinking that his people have gone absolutely bonkers.

So time to reminisce. And before I do let me say what a wonderful time I have had here on the Carnival Magic. It has been difficult at times to bring out a new ship and blog and Facebook and there were a few comments here and there these past few months that suggested that I wasn’t “around the ship enough.” While these comments are commonplace for all cruise directors, these days what with all the behind the scenes stuff we do, there have been times that because of my commitments that those one or two people that made those comments were absolutely correct and I will work to improve this next year.

You know, it was 24 years ago in August 1987 that I walked up the gangway of the M/S Holiday into a world I knew nothing about. Not just because I had lied in my interview by saying I knew everything about wine and cocktails, but the world of cruising, something I had absolutely no contact with in my 22 years. As the years went by, I left the bar department and discovered something called a microphone. This was also a foreign object to me and at first I tried to be the same as others I had seen using it……and I failed. Then I realised that it just made my voice louder and I relaxed, was myself and people responded with laughter. And so, I became a cruise director and at that time it would have been easier for me to join Chippendales. Cruise directors didn’t look like me. They were handsome or beautiful or both. They sang, made things disappear, juggled, danced or wooed the ladies with their perfect smiles and tight buttocks that were encased in Armani tuxedo pants.

Cruise directors were not ugly looking ex-bar waiters who were less talented than a dead hamster. Yet, someone gave me a chance and even though I have highlighted guests who shout and guest who scream and guests who try to sell me pills and want their laundry done for free because they got rained on…….. my journey has been one of fun and each and every day I pinch myself as a reminder that I am the luckiest sod in the world. And as I sit here in my underpants writing this blog, the last one from the Carnival Magic for a while, I have to say a huge thank you to all of you for your company these past four months. You have put up with my bad moods and we have shared in the continuing story about life on the ocean waves. I am heading home on Friday and will take a week away from the computer which both Heidi and Kye will appreciate and so will my left arm which still hurts despite the intervention of 12 pricks………I don’t mean the French Rugby team………..I mean I had acupuncture.

I must also thank the beards who still allow me to have a free hand on this blog even though there must surely be times when their bottom cheeks squeeze together as they read something that I probably shouldn’t have written. But the blog continues with 11,750,000 views and joined now by the 18,400 on Facebook which means you must still be enjoying my silly musings and for that I thank each and every one of you.

So after a month of preparation and three months in operation it is time for me to bugger off.

Carnival Magic is in a way a new beginning for Carnival Cruise Lines. It was the first ship that was influenced by the gang of new beards who under the watchful eye of Chief Beard Gerry Cahill, Ruben, Lynn, Jim, Mark, Gus and their teams have designed new features, marketed them and here they are on this brilliant ship. The RedFrog Pub, Skycourse, Cucina de Capitano have been a brilliant success and I can’t wait to see the guest reaction once we arrive in Texas. But it’s not just the new areas that are here, it’s far, far more than that. The Lido Deck is wide and open and the best designed one yet. The branded areas are amazing, especially Cherry on Top and the Cucina’s incredible value has had 1,400 guests enjoying a meal there on a 12-day cruise. It’s hard to put into words but having been at sea for so long I look for the certain special in a ship, something that makes really good sushi wonderful and if you will excuse the reference……a plain old shrimp less so.

I have delivered a lot of new ships for Carnival and I have visited a lot of our corporation’s ships and while they have all been exceptional only one truly made the hairs on my bottom stand straight up and she was the Queen Mary 2 which still makes grown men clutch their private parts in excitement. But the Carnival Magic has the same affect albeit for different reasons but simply put, never have I had so many positive comments about one of our new ships. Never has one of our new ships, especially those that sail in the Mediterranean, reached the number one spot in guest review results. Yep, she really is that good. There are still things we can do better and we are making subtle changes along the way but right from the start Carnival Magic has been a ship that our guests and, just as important, our crew absolutely adore.

Then there are the ports here in Europe. Monte Carlo, Rome, The Vatican, The Coloseum, Naples, Tuscany, Florence, Pisa, Sorrento, Capri, The Amalfi Coast, Dubrovnik, Venice, Taormina, Mount Etna. Palma de Majorca and yes……even Marseilles. Imagine having visited all those places. You get off your tour bus tired but fulfilled and there in front of you is not some faceless hotel and the prospect of packing before more security checks at the airport and yet another flight but this gleaming ship, your ship ready to cocoon you with friendly service, ready to excite you with the evening’s entertainment, ready to refuel you with great food. Imagine, no packing and no flying. You just lay your head on the pillow of your Carnival Comfort Bed as the captain takes you to the next exciting destination while you rejuvenate ready for the adventures tomorrow will bring.

So congratulations on this brilliant ship must go to Gerry Cahill and his band of beards. Now Gerry isn’t one of those corporate presidents who spends his evenings being carried around promenade deck in a sedan chair, waving his diamond encrusted Rolex out of the window. He lives his life like you and I……..except with more fish. He saw that what you wanted was new spaces and a chance to use huge slides and swing on ropes and eat in a family-style restaurant and drink a pint of beer in a pub. Yes, Carnival has changed direction somewhat and yes there are a few who may not like it but let me say that I have spoken to hundreds, yes hundreds of guests here and many more on Facebook and the blog and they all say that the Carnival Magic is our best ship yet. And it is.

You know there are times when I have had to review a Cunard or Seabourn ship and while I relish those chances I also am aware that when I post it on my blog that some of the readers will wonder why I’m reviewing a ship that many people may never sail on. I do this because despite what some people say, there’s no harm in dreaming and it shows the incredible diversity of this great corporation. Yet when I review the Carnival Magic I know I am talking about a ship that has something for everyone. It is by far the best of our ships because there really is room for 4,500 guests without it ever feeling like there are 4,500 guests on board and without it looking like a floating parking lot.

Yes there are those who will say that other ships have ice rinks and are huger but if you apply the cold steel of logic to your choice of a cruise and factor in the extraordinary cost of the cruise ticket itself ….. It is absolutely impossible to come up with anything better. Until the Carnival Breeze is launched, obviously.

Goodnight and see you in a week here and on www.facebook.com/johnheald.

Your friend always
John

Here is a message from Annie’s mother.

Ref: 887271222A
Cabin: **** Booking#: ****** Added-Changed: 09/111/11 – 09/11/11
Subject: UNHAPPY WITH CIRCLE C ACTIVITIES
Guest reported to GSD stating that she was unhappy that her 12 year old daughter had not received any education activities at Circle C. Guest expected that she would be taught history about the European ports but it has all been games and dancing. Guest asked to speak with Cruise Director John. GSA offered to call YD but Mrs.______ insisted on speaking to CD.

I am really on a roll this week what with guests trying to sell me diet pills, the reaction to our Sept. 11 ceremony and now this. I can understand why people want to speak to me. Oh hold on, that sounded big headed and I didn’t mean it to be — I just mean that I am the voice of the ship and so the guests have a perception that I am in charge of everything. But in reality it’s the youth director who is in charge of all the three children and teen programming on the ship and the youth director reports to the hotel director. Personally, I find this a little odd as what they provide is as much entertainment as what we do for the adults and I would love to get the CD’s more involved with the program. Anyway, I digress. So even though I am not in charge of the program I met the lady in the company of our youth director and I have to say it has been an interesting cruise to say the least.

Now I have to say that before I headed on down to Carnival Magic’s lobby which is where I hold all my “The cruise director is a fat useless bastard” bollocking sessions that I had some pre-conceptions in my mind about how this lady would be. She would be wearing a caftan, have her hair in pigtails and ready to “teach the world to sing.” Wrong! She was pleasant and just wanted to explain that she had expected her daughter to receive an “education” while she was on board and not have her just “playing all the time.” I apologised and also said that I would take her suggestion that we should include teaching the kids Italian back to the beards in Miami.

Annie’s mother further explained to us that her daughter was “gifted” and was home schooled. I know nothing about “home schooling” and I am sure for many this really works but as she rattled off all her achievements I couldn’t help but look at her daughter as a normal kid who sat quietly, listening to Mum say that she wished she could have learned more about the history of Venice yesterday rather than decorate T-shirts with glitter. I felt sad because her daughter’s eyes looked sad they looked like she would have loved to be at Circle “C” right now having fun with her new friends. Now Kye is two years old and while I would never dare to criticise how another parent brings up their kid, it just seemed sad that she wasn’t allowed to go and be…….well, 12 years old.

All of us wrap up our children when it’s cold. We put them on booster seats in the car and make them wear so much safety equipment when they ride their bicycle it looks like they are doing so in Afghanistan. We strive constantly to keep them out of harm’s way, and then we send them off to school so they can be punched, kicked, and learn how to swear by the time they are five. Maybe this lady is right…………….maybe home schooling is the way to go.

Annie is skilled in mathematics I was told and at the age of 12 she probably is better at math than I ever was or ever will be. Mum told us her daughter, who already speaks fluent Spanish, starts school at 7 am every morning, works with her dad on math and English until noon. Then at 1 pm she works with her Mum on languages including Mandarin Chinese. But before she can collapse into bed she has to do two hours of homework. Facebook? A bit of Glee? Some texting? Forget it. The youth director and I sat there and listened to her daughter who in a strangely robotic voice spoke in Spanish until Mum flicked a switch and she changed to Chinese. She reminded me of Data from Star Trek. It was impressive, though, and it made me think if I would ever home school Kye? Probably not. I respect this choice but I of course could only teach her to tell bad jokes and to say “bugger”…… and much to Heidi’s displeasure I have already taught Kye to say “bugger” which means once I have taught her a joke about poo she will have graduated.

I want Kye to leave school with basic academic skills, enough to get her to $32,000 on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. But more than that, I want her to learn social skills so that she can interact properly with other human beings. I want her to learn to blog. I want her to enjoy life, to have fun. I can’t bear the thought of pressuring Kye so she can be put on a treadmill and have no social skills. School is supposed to prepare a person for life, not wear them out. Yes, I must do everything we can to keep Kye safe. But I should also do everything we can to make her happy as well. But who am I to judge. Maybe Annie was happy. Maybe she wanted to learn multiple languages and maybe she wanted to spend her time touring the art museums of Italy. And maybe she didn’t want to be on Facebook or using the Carnival Magic’s water park and maybe she didn’t want to be meeting new friends at Circle “C” and dancing to Justin Beaver’s new hit. And maybe she didn’t mind that after meeting me and shaking my hand that her mother made her hold out the hand that I had shaken to have it cleansed with some sort of antibiotic wipe she had produced from her bag. Our youth program is all about fun and maybe I am wrong, I hope I am…..but I don’t see Annie’s life so far containing much of the “f” word at all.

Time for today’s Q and A………….away we go

Mary McQuillen asked:
Hi John,

I have nothing but praise for Carnival! I have never had a bad cruise with Carnival but did on a RC cruise. I will never sail with them again! I am getting ready for my eighth cruise with Carnival. My daughter and I are doing our second mother/daughter cruise on Carnival Elation out of Mobile. I would love to do something special for her. This is our second cruise that we have done for her birthday. Leaving the families at home even though our hubbies and her kids are not happy about it! Any suggestions? Carnival is just fantastic with the best “Fun Ships” out there!! This will be my third of four cruises this year. I love reading your blogs and some of the funny requests of some of the guests. All the crew members are great on the ships!

Best wishes to you.

Mary

John says:
Hello Mary McQuillen,

I would be glad to send your daughter something for her birthday but I can’t see when you are cruising next. I do hope that I haven’t missed it so please can you let me know. I think it’s marvelous that you are spending some mother/daughter time together and on the wonderful Carnival Elation. I can imagine that the rest of the family are a bit jealous of you doing so, maybe next time you can all cruise together. Please let me know then when you are going either here or on Facebook.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Gerrit asked:
Dear John,

Our German family of seven will be sailing on the Carnival Magic October 7, 2011 (staterooms 2215 & 2219). While we were very sorry to hear that apparently you won’t be sailing with us (it would have been the third cruise with you as the CD for some of us), we’re really looking forward to yet another wonderful Carnival cruise in the sunny Mediterranean. The kids in particular look forward to meeting “Fun Ship” Freddy, needless to say. May I ask whether it would be possible for you to do our party two favours (spelt correctly):

#1: Through Carnival’s GSA in Germany, we asked for a baby bed to be provided for my younger son Tyler who will be turning two later this month. The GSA responded that it won’t be possible to provide one as my son will be two years old at the time of the cruise and that as a result of that it would be possible that he is too large to fit into a baby bed – which he is not as he sleeps in one at home, as well. Would it be possible for you to arrange for a baby bed to be provided for Tyler? Otherwise, we would have to bring our own baby bed for which the airline would charge us an excess baggage fee (actually two – one for each flight).

# 2: On two previous Carnival cruises, Ivan Lobo from India was our dining room waiter. I understand he’s working on Carnival Magic now. It would be absolutely wonderful if you were able to arrange for our party of seven to be seated at one of his tables during our cruise, if possible.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and thank you even more for making the before mentioned favours possible – if possible, of course.

Kind regards,

Gerrit from Germany and family

John says:
Hello Gerrit,

I am so sorry that I won’t be here with you but I promise that you will have a brilliant time here on the Carnival Magic. My daughter is two years old as well and also sleeps in a kid’s cot when she is on board so I will arrange one for you to be placed in the cabin. Ivan is currently on vacation I am afraid and doesn’t get back till after your cruise but please don’t worry as I am sure you will truly enjoy the service in the dining room and I have requested your table for you.

I wish you the very best of times and a wunderbar (that’s German by the way) cruise.

Best wishes

John

Buddy and Guy asked:
John,

My partner of 12 years and I will be on our platinum cruise on the Valor September 25. Each year we cruise with Carnival, I always request a table for two and yet we have never been thought worthy of enough to be given one. I was directed by http://boards.cruisecritic.com/forumdisplay.php?f=162 to come to you to get a table for 2 confirmed for our sailing in cabin 7344 on the late seating.

John says:
Hello Buddy and Guy,

Thanks for taking the time to write and many congratulations on your Platinum cruise on the Carnival Valor. I am not sure what you mean when you said that the reason you have not been given a table for two was because “you were not worthy” but I will certainly do my best this time to make it so. I wish you both a brilliant time and thank you for your loyalty to Carnival. Have fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Fay Branton asked:
John,

I don’t think I have ever been more disappointed than I was when I read that you won’t be the cruise director for our Trans Atlantic cruise. Why have you not told the people who made the decision to move you what an impact this will have on the trip. I am so angry at you and at them because one of the reasons we booked this cruise was that you would be the cruise director as we sailed with you to Istanbul on Carnival Freedom and you were excellent. Will Carnival be offering some kind of compensation for this trouble? This is just not acceptable!

John says:
Hello Fay Branton,

I was so sad when I read this because I know that there are as you said one or two others who feel the same and I hate, absolutely hate, letting people down. Like most people I work for a company with a command structure and the people at the top of the Carnival tree felt I could be better served elsewhere during this period. I realise again that by doing so I have disappointed you and for that I sincerely apologise. The compensation comes in the form of my replacement James Charlton whose bio I featured in the blog on Friday. He is young, tireless and energetic and I know he will make sure you have a brilliant entertainment and activity program. I wish you a wonderful crossing and I am so sorry I cannot be with you.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Freijland asked:
John,

I agree 100% with the comment made by Greg today about the language barrier between your passengers and the Carnival crew. It is extremely frustrating to have to repeat over and over again what you want from room service and despite doing this the order still arrives late and incorrect. Case in point: on my recent cruise on Carnival Sensation I ordered a ham and cheese sandwich on toasted white bread and repeated the order again to the foreign speaking telephone operator. The sandwich arrived 40 minutes later and on WHEAT bread. I sent it back and had to wait another 30 minutes. Staff seemed to have no idea how to answer my questions and this was because none of them had any education in English and so were unable to answer. Greg said he found this very frustrating and I wanted to echo his thoughts and bet there are thousands more of your customers who would agree.

John says:
Hello Simon Freijland,

I am very sorry that your room service order was wrong as that is something that should not happen. However, I do disagree with your comment because as I think I probably mention to “Greg” when he posted a comment here that every single one of our crew must have an understanding of English as demanded by United States Coast Guard operating under the SOLAS agreement – SOLAS stands for Safety Of Life At Sea. It may not be their first language but they all speak English and while some definitely speak it better than others none of them should have concerns in answering your questions. However, if as you say they did, well again I apologise. I hope you had a wonderful cruise and that we see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Kathleen Stutchman asked:
Hello John!

Recently, my family and I cruised to Alaska on a Holland America ship (after 11 Carnival Caribbean cruises). When I first sailed on the Carnival Inspiration in 2001, passengers were allowed to go to their cabins upon boarding. Now, as you know, we must wait until 1:30 to have access to our cabins. When we sailed to Alaska we were allowed in our cabin as soon as we boarded since HAL recently made that option available. Anyway, what I would like to know is do you think that Carnival will consider making the changes like HAL did so that we can go to our cabin when we board? It really is a pain to carry around our carryon luggage. The reason that I don’t check in all of our luggage like I did on my first cruise is that I don’t like my make-up, and hair stuff, etc. crushed on the bottom of the huge luggage bins to leak all over my clothes. If Carnival can’t make that option available to everyone, maybe add it as a Platinum perk? Thank you for taking the time to read this, I don’t really know how you are able to do all that you do and keep up with this blog and Facebook too! You were on our 3/2011 cruise getting ready to take over from Chris Jefferson the following week-I got to see you around the ship-just not as CD. Really looking forward to having you as CD on our annual Spring Break cruise on the Magic 3/18/12!

Kathleen

John says:
Hello Kathleen Stutchman,

Thanks for taking the time to write and I was very interested in hearing this about how Holland America allows guests to go straight to their staterooms. I recently sailed on Princess and on P&O and they had the same restriction of going to the staterooms at 1 pm. I wonder, was debarkation over extremely early in Alaska as I am curious as to how they managed to get the staterooms clean and prepared in time. Please if you have a moment could you let me know what time you boarded and went to your cabin? There are no plans at the moment to have this as a Platinum perk as the stateroom stewards need all the time in order to get your cruise home looking its best. I can’t wait to show you the Carnival Magic and if there is anything you need before you sail please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Margaret Green (Margie) asked:
Hi John!

My husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on the second sailing of the Carnival Magic. We had such a wonderful time and met so many interesting people on board. We are sailing on the Carnival Magic on the first sailing out of Galveston (yes, we are Texans…but don’t get me started) and we were wondering if our favorite wait staff would still be on the Carnival Magic? We discovered Vladimir and Jarovic (Jay) in the ‘Anytime Dining’ and requested to be seated in their section every night. We enjoyed Vladimir’s wicked sense of humor and excellent menu suggestions and we loved conversing with Jay in the dining room and many other times we saw him on board. We can’t wait till we can sail on the Carnival Magic again!

John says:
Hello Margaret Green,

Coming back to the ship in Galveston will I am sure feel like coming home and that’s simply brilliant. Both Vladimir and Jay are here still but both are leaving on vacation between now and November and so they won’t be here when you sail again…..sorry. I am sure you will find their replacements just as good and if there is anything you think I can do for you before you come home please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Melissa Royal-Cleveland asked:
Dear John,

I just wanted to tell you about the wonderful time my husband, very active two year old, in-laws, and I had on the July 19th sailing on the Carnival Spirit. My husband, two year old, and I were in cabin 1185 and our room steward was the best EVER!!! I would also like to tell you about our wonderful dining room servers (I don’t remember their names but we ate in the Empire dining room at 7:45 table #392). They always had a chocolate milk and a fruit cup waiting for my son when we got to the dining room, and when one night I left the dining room early because the very active two year old was getting restless and I didn’t want him disturbing other guests at dinner our serves went to the maitre d’ to see if they could have my meal delivered to our stateroom. While on the Carnival Spirit my husband and I took my father in-law on the Behind the Fun Tour. He loved IT!!! When we got back to our stateroom later that evening we had a note from our behind the fun tour guide stating that she was missing some of the passes, we knew that we had turned ours in and the note did not have any contact information on it so we assumed that it had gone out to all of the tour members and we didn’t think anything of it. Well we were wrong because around 9:30pm our phone rang and it was the tour guide wanting to know where her passes were, my husband tried to tell her we didn’t have them. This phone call woke up our very active two year old causing him to be up until 1:45am. My only suggestion is using caution when calling a guest stateroom after 9pm.

THANK YOU CARNIVAL FOR A WONDERFUL CRUISE!! WHILE ON BOARD WE BOOKED OUR NEXT TWO CRUISES!!!

John says:
Hello Melissa Royal-Cleveland,

Let me start by saying how sorry I am about that phone call. I know how two year old kids are when they have been woken up unexpectedly and we should take this into consideration and I apologise. I will also send this to the ship. That aside I see you had a brilliant time and I will make sure that all those mentioned get to see your praise. And many congratulations on booking more cruises and I hope that you will let me know if you need anything at all before you sail.

Best wishes to all the family.

John

Judi asked:

Really no suggestions…I just wanted to say (as so many do) that you crack me up! I sit home on my lunch hour and laugh till I cry! I love the honesty. I’m taking my first cruise ever with my
family next June on the Carnival Liberty. I’m sure we’ll have a blast. Thanks for the smiles.

John says:
Hello Judi,

I just wanted to say a huge thank you for joining me on the blog and on Facebook and yes, you will have a brilliant time on the Carnival Liberty and if there is anything you need please let me know. Until then I will do my best to give you as much fun here and on Facebook as I can.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today, back with more tomorrow.

I had a note from Senda Schultz who recently cruised here on the Carnival Magic. She told me that she had included Carnival in her Vacation Bible School. Here she is:

“John, Our VBS was themed ‘Beach-Blast’ so what a better way to have a beach blast than with Carnival? It turned out really cute…Carnival cups and all…if you can see them! ”

Let’s have a look shall we?

Fantastic, Senda. We are truly honoured that you did this and I thank you for taking the time to show us all. I send my best to you and all at your church.

Well as I said it’s been a cruise with some interesting characters on it but compared with what this hurricane season has brought so far, it’s been an easy ride here on the Carnival Magic. In the past couple of weeks in the Caribbean, there have been thousands of cruise ship guests who displayed an understanding and sympathetic attitude to the changes forced upon us by Hurricane Bastard and Tropical Storms Bastard 1 and Bastard 2. My fellow cruise directors reported the usual small percentage of guests who did not understand why the ship didn’t go to all the scheduled ports and demand that they be given 12 free cruises and a Aston Martin because they had to sail on a revised itinerary or spend an extra day at sea.

At the forefront of making sure these guests do understand and make sure that all the passengers remained informed, happy and content were the cruise directors. They were making constant announcements, and were making sure that the fun continued regardless. So, I salute my colleagues in the Caribbean whose positive attitude and ability to turn a complaint into a smile is what makes them the best in the business……well done all of you.

I want to talk about the way guests purchase photos here on the Carnival Magic but first because I can never just stick to what I am talking about I have to write about technology. Now, I know that I am to technology what the French are to deodorant but I am positive that none of the stuff designed to make our lives better actually bloody well works.

My new Raspberry keeps flashing me a message about if I want to connect it to my car via Blueteeth even though I am on a cruise ship in Italy and my car is home in the UK. And even when we are together in the same place as in my fat arse is sitting in the driver’s seat, it is still impossible. And this is because Blueteeth attempts to connect things using the air. That doesn’t work. If you want to join something to something else, you need a screw, or a nail, or some wire. And, because Blueteeth uses air to connect you there are going to be things in the air to stop that happening.

For example, for some strange reason the Blueteeth connection never works after I have had a curry. My Raspberry also says it can access the interweb but it can’t and in Europe it keeps dropping the signal together. That’s probably due to the ludicrous names the telephone companies have. In the US and the UK we have Vodaphone and AT&T. In Italy they have I TIM and Pop Star and in Spain they have……….well they have bugger all because whenever the ship is in Barcelona my raspberry never works. What else? Aggh yes, the self check-in consoles at airports ask a million sodding questions then tell you to bugger off to see a human at the end of a six-mile line. And some people moan about waiting 15 minutes for a fresh plate of Mongolian Wok to be cooked…………..I just don’t get it.

The machines that answer phone calls in Bombay haven’t a clue what you’re all about. Then there is the digital camera I use to post photos here and on Facebook. Mr. Radu understands it and it works perfectly for him but not for me. Mine takes a picture about two years after I press the shutter button. My photograph album these days is full of snaps of chairs, taken after the person who was sitting there has got up, gone home and died.

Today, you have a video iPod and a wafer-thin television set. You have a portable satellite navigation system, Tivo, a digital camera, a widescreen laptop, a rampant rabbit, automatic sprinklers on your lawn and a cell phone that plays the sound of the ship’s horn when anyone calls. At home I even have a coffee machine that is programmed to deliver an espresso in the morning, a mellower blend in the afternoon and big cup of girly decaf after six in the evening. How cool is that?….except you have to have a degree in astrophysics to just get it out of the box.

All of these things have created a new type of person. The gadget freak. And slowly some of these gadgets are arriving onto the ships and the latest comes in the form of the facial recognition thingy. It’s simple. You have your photo taken as you board the ship as normal, you know the one that’s embedded in your Sail & Sign card and the one our security team checks when you leave and when you return to the ship. Well now it has a second use as well because a bearded tech wizard for our Q branch in Miami…….actually it’s Miami so that should be our Que branch …….has designed a facial recognition program. All you do is swipe your card. It then recognises the photo and in turn puts all the photos you have had taken by our 23,989 photographers and you choose which ones you wish to buy. Simple. It has proven to be a big success here and I asked the head photo beard if there were plans to put it on other ships as well and was told that they are pursuing further development of facial recognition and other technologies that helps guests to find and sort their cruise memory photos more easily……which is beard talk for ummm …….maybe, could be.

Anyway, here is what the machines look like.

Finally today, one more question to answer.

Harvey S asked:
John,

All Carnival brand ships look the same and yet you dare sit there and judge. RCI ships and NCL ships are unique yet Carnival makes multi-brand ships as I am sure we shall see soon when a Dream-class ship goes to Princess or Holland America. Same old same old, just stretched and painted different colors. Maybe you should look in the mirror before casting your tactless wit on other cruise companies.

John says:
Hello Harvey S,

I am sorry that you feel all Carnival ships look alike. You are right though as so successful is the Dream class that we will proudly give one to Costa Cruise Lines in 2014 who have completely different plans for her interior. Each of our brands is different, with their own identity and this is one of the many reasons why individually, Carnival, Costa, Cunard, Princess, Holland America, AIDA and Seabourn are so successful and why together they form the strongest alliance of cruise companies in the world that is Carnival Corporation. I hope one day you will discover this by sailing on one or more of our ships where you will discover just how brilliant the respective ships are.

Best wishes.

John

Actually, no………sorry I can’t leave it there Harvey. You see my arm hurts and it’s been a long few months so let me say this. All Carnival Corporation ships do look alike? Actually you’re right ……but only if you drink 12 pints of ThirstyFrog and sniff a pair of my underpants. Then maybe the Queen Elizabeth looks exactly like the Carnival Magic. And while you’re there have a good look at me because I will look just like LeBron James.

Goodnight

Your friend

John