So we went shopping and at a Walmartish-type of shop, I loaded the cart with bits and pieces having worked out that I would spend five pounds per kid which considering there are 18 kids coming equals………oh bugger……..where is the sodding calculator…….well, anyway, it equals a s**t load of money. As I loaded the sticker books and candy into the cart, I caught my wife looking uncomfortable. “Will that be enough?” she said. Enough, are you kidding? When I was a kid and we went to a another kids party we got bugger all except a bowl of ice cream and balloon animal that — regardless of what the parent who had made it said — did not look like a poodle or a giraffe but a thingy. “Yes,” said Heidi, “but Kye had just been to a children’s party where each kid got a Princess dress with matching shoes and handbag from the Disney store.”

Maybe this is what kids expect now and it was only because my arms were full of Peppa Pig stickers and lollipops, I did not lie down right there in the store and have a nervous breakdown.
I am not sure how it is where you live, dear bloggers, but children’s parties have become a stage for ridiculous spending and a contest to see who can throw the best. A friend of mine lives on a posh island in Miami where kids are flown by private plane to an island in the Bahamas for their birthday and where Justin Beaver is paid millions to sing Happy Birthday to a seven-year-old. But I don’t live in Miami but in a little town in Essex but even there it’s bloody ridiculous. I know one parent who spent loads of cash on a Willy Wonka party for 30 children where so much chocolate was served that many of the kids left the party as diabetics. What will these parents do when their children reach 21, charter a cruise ship and fill it with Latvian lap dancers? Anyway, Kye and friends will have food, cheap bags of candy and a huge bouncy Peppa Pig thingy I have hired in the garden. And before you think I am being cheap here, let me tell you I am not because each and every one of Kye’s friends will all get something no other parent in Essex can match. Yep, they are all getting a Carnival Breeze solid gold plastic ship on a stick.

Time for today’s Q and A…..off we go.

Andy asked:
John

I am the husband of Marivonne Diaz. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for making her crash cruise of the BC5 such a Magical time (pun intended). She had such a wonderful time meeting you and talks about you every day. Sorry I was unable to meet you as well, even though I tried on two bookings, but when she was talking to her fellow Cuzins I just had to give her my blessing to go without me. Maybe the next time I will get the pleasure of meeting you, as well. Again, THANK YOU!!!

John says:
Hello Andy

There is absolutely no need to thank me as it was a true privilege to meet your wonderful wife on Bloggers Cruise 5. I truly hope we will meet one day too and enjoy some Carnival fun.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Jeanette Politti asked:
John,

One of the reasons we cruise Carnival seven times in four years is because of the bang we get for our buck but the food in the MDR has taken a dive I think and there have been multiple comments on Cruise Critic too about this. What’s going on, big guy?

John says:
Hello Jeanetee Politti

I am glad you appreciate the value for money and I have noted your comment about your opinion of the food we serve in the dining room although it took me a few minutes to work out what MDR meant. The most recent menu has been met with mostly excellent comments as shown on the cards we receive from those guests who are sent one. Most of our new dining options, from Guy’s burgers and Cantina to the Taste Bar and Punchliner Brunch — are completely free of charge – and illustrates the brilliant value for money Carnival provides.
Best wishes.

John

Amy Salvage asked:
John,

My husband and I just took a seven-day cruise this past February 27 on Carnival Magic and had a wonderful experience. As first time cruisers, we enjoyed it immensely. So much that we have already booked another cruise on the Carnival Triumph this coming October 22. We really enjoyed the shows and the Carnival Magic dancers were awesome! All the crew members (employees) whether they were in the buffet areas, or tidying up the cabins or doing maintenance work on the decks, EVERYONE was so very pleasant and helpful. We never encountered an unhappy attitude with any of them. I’m wondering if you will possibly be on the Carnival Triumph in October. If not, then I hope there will be a cruise director as good as you. We enjoyed your talent and hope to actually meet you face to face on one of our future cruises. We are definitely hooked.

John says:
Hello Amy Savage

It’s a joy to read that as first time cruisers you had such a brilliant time that you are “hooked” and this is of course thanks to the brilliant crew of the Carnival Magic. I will make sure that they see your words of praise and that we will indeed see you again soon. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Thanks for the great post.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Kris Marek asked:

I am in strong agreement with the person who wrote that the workers limited English skills has a negative effect on the cruise experience. Case in point was the bar servers in the bars on Carnival Liberty who never once understood my drink orders and who were rude. There were no genuinely informative lectures about the upcoming ports of call (or anything else), and we found that disappointing. Frequently, several activities were scheduled at the same time, or very nearly so, and we had to choose among several attractive-sounding options at the same time which is ridiculous planning. Finally and for reasons we never understood, dinner was interrupted at least once almost every night by bursts of (very loud) music and waiters dancing on serving tables. I think this was supposed to be fun but it was not! There were some good points. The cabin boy was attentive and friendly and the food choice on the lido deck was very good but the lack of English skills and poor planning of activities and that awful loud music in the dining room are areas Carnival will need to improve on if they want to be successful.

John says:
Hello Kris Marek

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and I am glad to see that you had some good points. I know that many of our crew have accents, myself included, but we all speak English and indeed have to pass a test in order to work in guest areas. This is why I am so surprised about your comment regarding the bar staff but I will pass this onto the ship’s management. It was also interesting to read your comments about the dining room because recently here and on Facebook we discussed this and there were many hundreds of comments posted with the vast majority saying they liked the fun atmosphere the music and dances that the servers perform. However, it is not for everyone, so please let me apologise for the disruption it caused in your dining experience. I am glad the gentleman who took care of your stateroom was a highlight and the stateroom steward as his position is called is a fine example of our brilliant crew. I do hope you had fun and that we will see you again and I have as I said, sent your review to the ship.

Best wishes.

John

Clarice Hudson asked:
Hi John,

I feel so privileged to have met you on the Carnival Splendor. I just got off the Carnival Inspiration yesterday with my daughter and three grandchildren. I took them on a cruise for their spring break, along with many other families on board for the same reasons. I was surprised that there was no comment cards handed out on this cruise. I wanted to let you know we absolutely loved CD Matt and Assistant CD Weezie. They were so good at recognizing the kids as we walked about the ship and at the shows. Also loved “Buttercup,” Clair and Nick, as well. I can’t remember our waiter’s name at dinner or the drink server who always remembered what the kids wanted to drink and always brought them with extra cherries (until the ship ran out of cherries on the last night). I will say I was a little disappointed with the room staff who never introduced themselves like others have done on my other cruises. As for the shore excursions, we did have a good time. We were shorted one ticked on the first excursion when they were delivered to my room and had to go ashore and get it worked out. The beach party in Rosorita was a little disappointing in that the Rock Wall was broken and the kids really wanted to try it…..but all in all even though the weather was cold, they all had a good time….grandma had to come home to get sleep and rest up, but I wouldn’t have traded the time we had together on this trip for anything.

Thank you to all the staff for a wonderful spring break trip.

Clarice

John says:
Hello Clarice

I can see from your post that grandma did indeed need a rest after that very active cruise and thank you for telling me all about your adventures. I will make sure that the ship takes note of your comments including reminding the stateroom stewards to introduce themselves to the guests. I think your grandchildren are so very lucky to have grandma take them on a cruise and I hope you are rested and ready to do it all again very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful review.

Best wishes to you all.

John

The Igbinedion Family Group asked:

Why are there so few black performers in your shows? I say this based on my last cruise on your ship Carnival Liberty there were no black dancers and all the comedians were white. I hope there is a good explanation for this but it left me and my party with a bad taste in my mouth. Why does Carnival not employ black entertainers?

John says:
Hello Igbinedion Family Group

First of all, I do hope that you had a great cruise and secondly I am glad you wrote to me regarding this as there is indeed a simple explanation. The dancers are hired based on talent and that is all and we can only choose from who attends the auditions we hold. We have 200 plus dancers and singers working across the fleet and boast a diverse cast on our 23 (soon to be 24) ships. I can tell you that here on the Carnival Breeze our dance captain and one of the best dancers I have ever seen is indeed African-American as is the lead male singer. As for the comedians, well, again, they are scheduled according to availability and, of course, their talent and had you been on another ship that week you may have seen Happy Cole, Percy Cruise, Dean Gaines or one of our many African-American comedians who work for us. So thanks again for taking the time to write and hopefully my explanation has helped you all understand and I hope we will see you all again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Annette Zgeb asked:
Dear John,

In 2009 my husband and I were on the Carnival Splendor for a back to back to back South America cruise. It was seven weeks and it was awesome. One of the “speakers” was a naturalist named Dirk Yonkerman. He was fantastic, knowledgeable, interesting, charming and just plain nice. February 2013 we are fortunate to be on the Carnival Splendor again for another back to back to back cruise, this time going the opposite direction. Would it be possible to find out if Dirk will be on this cruise again?

John says:
Hello Annette Zgeb

What a fantastic voyage that was and I see you are doing this again and that is just brilliant. I remember getting so many great comments about Dirk so, yes, indeed, I will make sure that I send this to the beards and ask that they give serious consideration to doing this again. I will keep you informed as to what is happening and wish you the very best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Big Duck asked:
Heald,

Can you tell me how many hours the crew work each day. A friend of mine said that they work 15 hours a day, seven days a week, which, if true, is DISGUSTING!

John says:
Hello Big Duck

I am afraid whoever told you this is quackers….sorry…..silly duck joke there. Seriously, though, it is not true. The crew’s working hours are strictly regulated and are recorded on a clock-in/ clock-out system we call Fun Time. These hours are strictly monitored by management on board and shoreside and are also looked at by U.S. Coast Guard, as well. The crew work hard, that is for sure but no crew member works 15 hours a day that I can assure you.

Best wishes.

John

Marshann Johnson asked:

My son and I are planning on buying the excursion to swim with the dolphins in the Bahamas. My husband is not going to do it. Is there a fee for him to watch?

John says:
Hello Marshann Johnson

Yes indeed, he will be able to go and watch you swim with these beautiful animals. If he decided to go on the excursion with you there will be a small fee for transportation but that is all. I hope you have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have fun.

John

Tracey Flynn asked:
John,

I want to give a shout out to the staff in the RedFrog Pub on Carnival Magic. They rocked and deserve a big raise. Please tell the beards. Love the blog and Facebook updates and love Carnival

John says:
Hello Tracey Flynn

I love this post and I will indeed make sure that your praise for those in the RedFrog is heard loud and proud. I hope we see you again soon and I hope also you continue to enjoy the blog and Facebook.

Best wishes.

John

And on that excellent note, so ends the Q and A for now.

So, let’s talk Italian food, shall we? Obviously I have been privileged to travel to many parts of Italy with the various ships and being in the shipyards and eating with Italian captains in their dining rooms on board has given me a wonderful insight to their culture and their food. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Italian cookery, though. Two reasons why. First of all, there is the pasta which when you are trying to lose weight and when you are diabetic and need to control carbs, Italian food is not your best mate. The second reason I am not a fan is garlic. I hate garlic. I would rather eat a dead hamster that has been marinated in my underpants for a month than eat anything with garlic in it or on it.

Now I can see some of you bloggers sitting there, in your underpants, saying, “John, you are an idiot, garlic is wonderful.” No…..it’s not….it’s revolting. Not just the taste…..but the smell. Bugger me, the smell. Try coming onto the bridge of the Carnival Breeze early in the morning and have the captain talk to you inches from your face after eating a huge dish of pasta de soddinggarlico the night before. I’d rather have H82Seaugo serve me a plate of skunk scrotum while dressed as Cleopatra than eat anything with garlic in it.

But I am in the minority and most people I know love Italian food and if I didn’t have a beach ball living in my stomach, then I would love it too and I would therefore be able to eat at the best Italian restaurant on the seven seas…….Cucina del Capitano. Already a huge success on the Carnival Magic, the Cucina will be featured here on Carnival Breeze, as well. For those who are not familiar with this concept, let me explain. At lunchtime the restaurant serves the finest pasta at no extra charge but it is at night when the Cucina really comes alive. Now the idea of this is not just to serve the best Italian food and the most absolutely ridiculous price anywhere — $12 for adults and $5 for kids aged 11 and under — but for you to sit around the table and eat it family style. And that just doesn’t mean that we will serve the pasta in big steaming bowls, no, it means that if you are the Cahill family from Florida, you get to dine with the Berlusconi family from Naples. Let’s have a look at the menu that we will serve here on the Carnival Breeze. There are a few changes with the biggest being that we have a new signature dish here chosen by the master of the Carnival Breeze, Captain Vincenzo Alcaras. So have a look but I do not advise you to do so on an empty stomach.

Click to zoom in

What would you have?

And now let’s remind ourselves about the menu on the Carnival Magic:

Click to zoom in

So now what would you have? Oh, and don’t forget the Chianti cart that serves the perfect wine to complement your $12 feast…did I mention it was only $12?

So here is a bit of news for you. Starting today, we are going to take direct reservations for the Cucina del Capitano on the Carnival Magic and I will explain how in a moment. Once the restaurant is up and running here on the Carnival Breeze, we will take reservations also but I have been asked by the chef to wait a few days into service before we do this so I am afraid we won’t be able to do it for the first cruise and reservations will have to be made on board.

To make reservations for this un-missable restaurant please can you e mail MCCUCINA@carnival.com. Please keep the email simple and only include the following information.

Name
Cabin #
Number of guests for dinner
Preferred Time for dining

Payment will be on board after you’ve dined.

And that’s it – so easy to make a reservation at the brilliant Cucina del Capitano.

Now allowing you to email the ship directly is a big change for us but I have been asked to let you know that the hostess will not be able to take The Chef’s Table or steakhouse reservations, only Cucina del Capitano reservations and those for now must be done online via my blog please. But the hostess will reply with confirmation for your Cucina reservation and we will do the same as I mentioned for the Carnival Breeze soon.

What I love about Cucina is that you get exactly what you order. Let me explain what I mean by that. These days, posh restaurants serve food where everything tastes and looks like something else. You order lamb because you like lamb. But at places with Michelin stars and full of pop stars your lamb arrives at the table in wrapped in banana leaves so now my lamb tastes like a sodding fruit basket. Cucina has everything, food that tastes exactly as you would expect, except even better. Brilliant unbeatable value for money and entertainment, as well, which I won’t spoil the surprise about. Food is a big part of what makes the Cucina a brilliant dining experience great but so also is the sense of family it creates while you eat there.

So here I am in Italy once more, a country united by language and religion and divided by almost everything else. You know, Italians often sound as if they’re having a vicious argument, even when they’re discussing soccer, cars or rumpy pumpy. Yet these arguments are not really arguments, they are conversations spoken passionately and with arms waving around like a demented traffic cop. Through my exposure to Italians cruising to Italian ports and eating with captains and chief engineers (and, of course, getting ships ready in Italian shipyards), I have learned that they will never agree about food. Sicily, for example, has a cuisine completely different from Naples but it’s far more complicated than that. I remember one of my great friends Captain Angelo Los telling me once that in his small home town near Genoa one family will make its pasta completely differently to the pasta a mile down the road. Individual families have recipes they guard and swear by more than Colonel Sanders does.

The only other thing that unites all Italians is the total belief that there is no edible Italian food outside of Italy……..but in the case ofCucina del Capitano………..they are absolutely wrong.

Bona Note.

Your friend,

John

However, there was another situation which happened last week that really has me thinking I am just a few steps away from the Pearly Gates. We had some friends over to the house to celebrate Heidi’s birthday and while we sat eating some fabulous Indian take-out one of our friends said, “Have you decided in your will to be buried or cremated?” Now our friends are all the same age as me or Heidi so let’s put that into perspective shall we. That’s a group of people aged 38 – 48 talking about death while chomping on some chicken tika masala. And do you know what? Everyone seemed eager to talk about this as they would who was shagging who on Desperate Housebitches of New Orange County or cars! One of my mates knew a lot on this subject. He knew that the world is running out of space to bury our dead and that in Japan, 99 percent are cremated. He also said that one cemetery in London is burying people on top of a stranger who had been buried hundreds of years ago. Bugger that. No way do I want to be laid to rest on top of some chap that died of syphilis or the plague.

Since this conversation at dinner I have been giving a lot of thought to this whole buried or cremated thing. I know some of you may have religious reasons to do one or the other and I respect that of course. I, on the other hand, have been in a bit of a quandary. I used to think that when I die I want to be buried, because if I am lucky enough to go to heaven (which will be based on the fact that I send people strawberries and trophies), it’ll be hard to enjoy its wonderful brilliance if I’ve been cremated. I guess I mean that you’re never going to have rumpy pumpy with a Latvian angel if you look like the contents of a vacuum cleaner. However, one thing keeps playing over and over in my mind and that was a movie I saw many years ago. It starred Peter Cushing and was part of the old Hammer House of Horror movies. All I can remember were the fingers of bodies were attached to a rope that would ring a bell if they moved meaning they had been buried alive. Bugger that and therefore its cremation for me and this is my will and testament. Throw me on the fire and scatter my ashes at sea……..leaving just a small handful to sprinkle on H82seaugo’s chocolate melting cake.

Time for some Q and A……..here we go.

Luis Garcia asked:
Hello John.

I make no apologies in saying how angry and disappointed I am with Carnival’s decision to take the Carnival Splendor away from California and not give us another boat in its place. Californians are wonderful people who love to cruise and yet we are being punished, why!!!!!!!  As a police officer working the streets of LA I have the toughest and most stressful job in the world and am not paid enough to be able to afford to fly to Florida to take a cruise. I have done three with Carnival and there won’t be a 4th thanks to your bad management decisions.

John says:
Hello Luis Garcia

First of all, I thank you for your service as a police officer and thank you for taking the time to write and express your opinion. We have, as you said, decided to reposition the Carnival Splendor to New York after her South America voyages and replace her with the Carnival Miracle West Coast next spring to operate our Mexican Riviera, Alaska and Hawaii cruises. We realize that many people really loved the Carnival Splendor but the Carnival Miracle is truly spectacular as well.  We also have the beautiful Carnival Inspiration to enjoy from Long Beach. I truly hope there will be a fourth cruise.

Best wishes and stay safe.

John

Melissa Bergamin asked:
Hello John,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for a while now and had mixed feelings about sending you this message, but I’ve decided it’s for the greater good – being the sanity of my cruising partner aka my mum. We are booked on the Carnival Miracle this summer (July 25) and we are very excited. This will be her eighth Carnival cruise and my fifth. Part of the reason for this mother-daughter cruise is because I have moved overseas to teach. I worked in China last year, and this year I have been living and working in Cairo, Egypt. I will also be returning to Egypt for next year. My time home is limited and we decided one way to maximize was to take a Carnival cruise together. I’m hitting two of my favourite stops (St. Thomas and Grand Turk) and we have booked a balcony. Now to the point of this rather long winded essay, I have promised my mum that I will indeed FORCE myself to relax with her. In the past, my idea of a cruise vacation was wake up, hit every activity humanly possible, and then add three more… I tend to tire people out when I just explain to them the course of my average cruise day.  Whatever, part of my addiction to action on Carnival is the hunt for the coveted SOS.  I get quite moody until I win one (not in front of other passengers, just my mum) and so I was hoping to save her sanity and to help me keep my promise of relaxing with her, you could help me out by sending me a SOS or arranging for me to be able to purchase one. I can already see her rolling her eyes at me and telling me to “relax” …….. and as I love her to bits, I would do anything within my power to make her happy and thank her. I understand if you cannot help me out, but I figured I would ask. I owe my mum’s sanity that much. Thank you for all you do, and the hours of entertainment combined with information you’ve provided on your blog.

A fan of your fun ship feature,

Melissa

John says:
Hello Melissa Bergamin

People take cruises for many different reasons and one of the common reasons is to take time for themselves and be able to relax and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. I can see that you are really ready to do just that and I am sure that the crew will make sure they serve and entertain you and take your worries away. I will be happy to send you a trophy as requested and hope that you can write to me here on June 25 or a few days before you sail on my Facebook page so that I don’t forget. I wish you both a wonderful time.

Best wishes

John

Brenda asked:
Hi John

We have sailed with you twice now on the Carnival Freedom in the Med and this past summer on the Carnival Magic in the Med. We are currently Platinum with 22 cruises (my 10 yr old has 22 cruises too!).  How will this work with the new loyalty program. We are only three cruises from Milestone with three future cruises booked (Dec. 2012 July 2013 and Dec 2013).  How close do we have to be to be grandfathered into the milestone program?  This will be a real bummer if we miss it and we are this close! Please let me know. Lastly, will you be on the Legend in the Baltic in 2013? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Brenda

I am getting lots of questions like this and it is quite understandable, of course. We are now just a very short time away from announcing the new loyalty program and the four different levels that this will be based on. Looking at the fact that you are this close to Milestone and with three cruises booked you should have no worries or concerns about you getting the top level. More details to come soon and yes indeed, I will see you on the beautiful Carnival Legend.

Best wishes and thanks for your brilliant loyalty.

John

Linda Shearing asked:

We have a big Cruise Critic roll call for the Carnival Dream cruise of 5/19/12. I expect 100 will attend so we need the piano bar on the Sunday sea day at 1:30pm -3:30pm. I have written to you before on your blog but did not get a response so I hope you will respond this time! Can we also have bar service?

John says:
Hello Linda Shearing

I am sorry I have not responded to you before but I am glad I saw this in time for me to be able to arrange this. I cannot promise you the piano bar as this may have been taken by a group already or indeed used for a ship’s function. However, I will make sure that it is arranged and that the location and time appears in the Fun Times and that a bar waiter attends to take individual drink orders. I hope you all have a fantastic cruise and enjoy meeting new friends.

Best wishes.

John

Elizabeth Windfelder asked:

HELP, I can’t decide! Which would you choose? 7/9/12 or 7/21/12 sailing on Carnival Breeze from Barcelona?

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Windfelder

I am sure thanks to my lateness of reply that you have probably decided what to do already. If not and having had a look at both I would suggest the 7/21 sailing……oh hold on…….no….the 7/9 sailing……oh bugger. I am, obviously, of no use here because both are brilliant voyages and I hope regardless that I see you this summer. I am sorry I couldn’t be of much use here but I promise that if you have other questions I will give you more complete answers.

Best wishes.

John

Paul asked:
Hi John

Have a question, will you be doing a live report from Carnival Destiny‘s extreme makeover in Italy next year. And why did Carnival feel it necessary to change her name? Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul

I will indeed be with the film crew at the yard and reporting on her amazing dry dock. I can understand that there are those who having cruised on her as the Carnival Destiny have a special connection with her. This upcoming refit is by far the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken and will totally transform the Carnival Destiny. With such dramatic changes, it just made sense to rename the ship. Once everyone sees the incredible transformation she will undergo that the name Carnival Sunshine will be absolutely applicable. She will be a ship reborn.

Best wishes.

John

Janice Travelli asked:

Have just returned from the Pride which was my 10th cruise. The platinum VIP gift we got was the beach bag/backpack and compared to the gift we receive as a diamond VIP with RCI it leaves a lot to be desired. It looks cheap and what is someone of my age (62) supposed to do with a bag like this. On RCI I got a beautiful crystal paper weight and a lovely T-shirt. Just saying!

John says:
Hello Janice Travelli

I am surprised to read that you did not like the bag as I have heard nothing but positive reports about it from other guests. We will be changing the gift again when the new loyalty program is introduced and, of course, I hope we will see you for cruise number 11 so that you can enjoy it.

Best wishes

John

Rona asked:

I have watched videos of you and Calvin and I have to say you two are like Laurel and Hardy. So funny together.

John says:
Hello Rona

The problem there is that one of them was skinny! Seriously, thanks so much for that wonderful compliment and to be compared with the greatest double act ever is amazing. I will post more videos of us soon.

Best wishes.

John

Martin Stansfield asked:

I am just off the Carnival Triumph and was not impressed. I detected an overall vibe of boredom and depression from the staff. The cleaning staff/housekeeping appeared to be from the Philippines or Indonesia. They never smiled and said hello in the halls, but it was unusual to come across so many foreign staff. The front desk had a very poor attitude each time I went there to complain. In general, the presence of so many immigrant workers (many Indians, Bulgarians, etc made up the wait staff), gave me an odd impression. I suppose you don’t hire American crew because outsourcing labor is cheaper, is this the reason Mr. Heald?

John says:
Hello Martin Stansfield

Well, let me start by saying that I am shocked that you should say that the crew were unfriendly as that is something that we very rarely hear and I will make a point of sending your comments to the ship’s senior management. Like most cruise lines, we hire talented people from all over the world and in fact at Carnival more than 100 nationalities are represented. We take a great deal of pride in having the friendliest crew at sea and all crew undergo training to hone their hospitality skills. I do hope that there were many aspects of the cruise that you did enjoy.

Best wishes

John

Jon Heller asked:
Hey John,

I was just wondering since I had been on the Carnival Magic a few weeks ago and thought you were a great cruise director. I was wondering if you were scheduled to be on the Breeze next year during the departure date of 2.16.2013. Let me know if you will be because either way we are booking this cruise. Had so much fun on the magic, can’t wait for the Carnival Breeze and Carnival Sunshine

John says:
Hello Jon Heller

Thanks for those wonderful words and yes indeed, I will be there as I am hosting the Bloggers Cruise in January and intend to stay on through February and March. I am so glad you had fun and hope we see each other next year.

Best wishes.

John

Laura Welk asked:
Hey John,

My friends and I are sailing in May this year and I had some questions about bringing our own liquor onboard. When I sailed with CCL the first time, we didn’t bring anything, the second time we brought a bottle of wine in our luggage and they confiscated it and we got it back the last night. Now, I have heard some conflicting things, some say you can bring liquor on in your carry on and are allowed one bottle per person, others say you can only bring in wine and are

allowed one bottle per person and some say you cannot bring it at all. I completely understand not being allowed to bring it on at all and seeing how CCL would like our liquor purchased from them. But since we are cruising in a few months I thought I would ask, mostly out of curiosity from all the mixed answers I have gotten. Hope this email finds you well and you have been enjoying yourself on the bloggers cruise. I enjoy your blog and Facebook updates immensely!

Thanks in advance!

Laura

John says:
Hello Laura Welk

I am sorry that this has been confusing and it looks like we (I) need to do a better job in getting the right information out. You can indeed bring one bottle of wine or champagne per person on the ship in your carryon bag and if you decided to take this to the dining room there will be a corkage fee for the waiter to serve it. I hope this is OK and if you have any further questions please let me know.

Best wishes and thanks so very much for the very kind words.

John

That’s all for today.

So here I am writing to you once again and before I forget may I thank Michelle and Mary who despite not having beards have done a wonderful job answering questions for me during my time at home with the girls. Talking of which, saying goodbye to Kye gets harder and harder and tugs at my heart strings to the point that tears run down my fat ugly face. I doubt it will ever get easier, will it?

So here I am in Italy, writing to you from the Carnival Breeze. Well, actually I am in the yard office which Carnival uses when we have a new ship being built. It is very warm here and there is no air conditioning or if there is it is being provided by an asthmatic hamster breathing through a straw. The ship looks brilliant and let me say straight away that Gerry and the beards have hit a huge home run here. Yep, she is a slam dunk, touchdown……ummmmm…….hit for six (cricket reference) vessel that I have no trepidation in saying is our very best yet. Once again the brilliant people here at Fincantieri are making a brilliant vacation home. What they do here is nothing short of amazing and in one month as we head to the Mediterranean and talk becomes of RedFrogs, BlueIguanas and Cucinas, it’s easy to forget that men and women built this ship.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the ship will leave the Monfalcone shipyard for a two day sea trial. She has passed all her previous sea trials with flying colours and talking to the Chief Engineer Antonio this morning he expects everything to be just perfect. Now in the days ahead I will have video interviews with all the senior officers which I hope you will enjoy.

There is only a skeleton crew from Carnival here with the department heads getting ready to welcome their crew over the next few days. Yesterday, 10 huge trucks arrived with supplies as diverse as trashcans to uniforms. The operation is continuous and the huge warehouse is filling up slowly with all our supplies. Move on date for the supplies is May 8 and the move on date for the crew to join is May 15. Now I mentioned uniforms because the Carnival Breeze will have new uniforms for all the crew. Yep, all of them from waiters to state room stewards from Camp Carnival staff to photographers, everyone will have the new look and I will show you just how they look in the days ahead. The new uniforms will then move across the fleet and I think the crew is going to love them. Especially happy is the entertainment staff whose new day uniform means they no longer look like they are delivering you a large pepperoni pizza.

The entertainment staff arrived yesterday as did cruise director extraordinaire Butch Begovitch.

He will be teaching the staff the 2.0 deck parties and hosting the first cruise Hasbro, The Game Show activities as I won’t have time to do the rehearsals etc. It will be great to have him with me. I know you are all anxiously awaiting more photos of the ship but as all the areas are still being worked on I shall wait a few more days until you can see her in all her undoubted glory.

Yesterday we announced all the brilliant food items for the Carnival Breeze and just in case you missed it, here is the announcement as written by our great friend from PR, Mr. Vance Gulliksen.

NEW FULL-SERVICE SUSHI RESTAURANT, OUTDOOR BBQ VENUE AMONG TANTALIZING ARRAY OF CUISINE CHOICES ON CARNIVAL BREEZE

And as mentioned there is a contest ongoing and here is Everett the Beard with a reminder about that.

One of the worst things about Facebook is that sometimes you’ll read a friend’s status update and it’s so inane you just want to… I don’t know, throw a handful of pico de gallo at them. But then it just ends up dripping down your monitor and keyboard, you have to clean it up yourself* and the person doesn’t even know — the gesture was meaningless, and you are now sad.

Carnival doesn’t want to see you sad, so we created the BlueIguana Cantina Fight for Your Appetite Sweepstakes!

Here’s how this works: we’ve made a Facebook page where you can not only learn more about some of the foods offered at BlueIguana Cantina, vote for your favorite dishes, enter to win an awesome Carnival Breeze cruise for two with airfare… and naturally, throw digital food at someone else’s Facebook wall. (It’s both therapeutic and thoughtful!)

So let your mate’s wall have it… then get ready to Facebook message them to beg their forgiveness when they win the free cruise for two. Enter here so maybe you’ll win instead.

*Dishwashers are actually a great way to clean keyboards. Seriously. Look it up.

So lots of food glorious food and let’s start with sushi. Now, there were some grumbles from a few that we are charging for this so let me just repeat what I said on Facebook that we continue to offer free sushi on Lido and sushi is also included among the many offerings within The Taste Bar complimentary appetizer program.

The Bonsai Sushi bar looks fantastic and the new sushi recipes from $1 a plate will be a massive bargain and that the huge sushi boat for 2 for just $15 will be very popular as well I am sure.   Bonsai Sushi is a totally new concept for us with a more extensive menu and upgraded quality along with  sake and Japanese beer, in a fabulous new setting with a dedicated seating area.

Now while many of you are probably huge Sushi lovers and are very excited about the new sushi restaurant here on the Carnival Breeze I have to tell you I am not a fan of sushi. Yes, I hear you saying that it’s the “ultimate healthy fast food.” But it’s just not for me. My wife loves sushi and she wishes I would love it too, bless her little Dutch clogs. She doesn’t want me to die or to get fatter, so when I am home she keeps me on a diet of mashed vegetables, muesli and grilled sodding chicken. It is kind and loving of her to do so, but sometimes I look at our refrigerator shelves full of Greek yogurt and falafel and skimmed milk and olive spread, and I feel like crying. And when she isn’t with me on the ship there is no doubt that I will bypass the Bonsai Sushi restaurant and head to deck 10 and sink my teeth into a Guy Fieri burger with melted cheese, a crispy onion ring, lashings of bacon bits and even his very own special mayonnaise.

One of the more exciting elements of the Carnival Breeze involves the existing Lanai barbecue which has a new menu and will be called Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ. Now I can tell you that this was named after one of the most brilliant people I have ever met — our soft spoken, sports loving family man and Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Jim Berra. I have to say that I have never heard anyone call him “Jimmy” and that he isn’t fat………. if he is fat ten if they named the barbecue after me it would have to be called “Morbidly Obese Really Huge Fat Bastard Johnny’s BBQ.”

Anyway, I digress. Jim or Jimmy as I shall from here on in call him, has done so much and will do so much for this company and its right and just that we name this dining venue after him. He loves barbecue and has had a big say in the menu which we will talk about in a moment. Now I love barbecue food and yet while it’s OK to accept invitations to other people’s barbecues and its going to be brilliant on the Lanai on the Carnival Breeze, never, ever host one yourself. Throwing barbecues is for plonkers and guaranteed by the time it’s over to make you hate your friends forever.

It never looks like it does on TV where the host smiles warmly from behind his barbecue as friends and family lie back drinking and laughing in his garden. This is bollocks! You become hot, stressed and you begin to despise those having fun around you in your garden eating your food, drinking your booze all while you slave over a barbecue so hot that your face morphs into a melted latex glove. The only time people come near the BBQ host is with fake offers of help which, of course you must politely refuse. Then your now ex-friends will make patronsing remarks such as, “You’re doing a great job, chef!” This is the point where you have to restrain yourself from shoving a chicken leg up their arse and stabbing them in the eye with that big barbecue fork thingy. Yes, I hate barbecues, especially when I’m doing all the work.

But I love Fat Jimmy’s and just look at the menu. We will offer a mouth-watering array of grilled favorites, including barbecued chicken breast, kielbasa, Fat Jimmy’s signature item, pulled pork sandwiches, along with traditional sides like baked beans, potato salad, coleslaw and mini-corn muffins.

The Carnival Breeze is brilliant and as I walked around the ship with Gerry Cahill and his entourage I tried to put my mind into “guest mode” to try find something to complain about something — anything — about which I could complain. And all I could come up with is that some of the stools on the lido deck restaurant are a little high and some older guests may struggle to get on them. The ship has new designers who have incorporated cool crisp blues and relaxing yellows both in the public spaces and the staterooms.

So join me here and on Facebook as I tell you more about the Carnival Breeze, our best ship yet and the ultimate expression of fun!

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

On Facebook in February, I think it was, we were all talking about PA announcements. If you remember we were asking if the cruise directors made too many and if they were too long and if guests should be able to hear them in the cabins or not. We are currently working on a fleetwide standard for the CD’s to make sure that they are informative, fun and not too long. I will, of course, let you know about this soon. One thing that seems to be pretty unanimous is that you don’t want to hear them in the cabins unless it is something of great importance which is, of course, our current policy. What we really need is a switch that can give guests an option to turn the announcements on or off in the cabin making sure that the switch was over ridden when and if an emergency announcement had to be made but that’s something we just don’t have. I can tell you that each ship as of April 1 this year now has an audio channel on the cabin TV’s. This will have a rundown of the day’s events so if you don’ want to read the Fun Times then all you need to do is turn the TV on to the audio channel and the assistant cruise director or an entertainment staff member will read the highlights of the day. This was introduced originally for our guests who were sight impaired but we noticed many other guests appreciated this as well so that’s now on all the ships.

Using the PA system is not easy and the trick I think is to use it as an entertainment tool and have fun amongst the announcement for the gift shop’s Inch of Gold sale or bingo. I have sailed on Cunard, Princess and P&O ships and outside of an announcement for the shows, the CD makes no announcements, none at all really. Is that a good thing? I am not sure. Certainly, announcements tell our guests what’s going on at different venues throughout the ship but I am sure there are some guests who would prefer none at all. The task is to find a happy medium, of course. Now it’s not just cruise ships that use the announcements. Back in January, I traveled to Liverpool to hire some British comedians for the Carnival Breeze and the PA system was used constantly. Every time we pulled away from a station a bored, rather sad voice announced that we are on a train……going to Liverpool……that food and drink was available from the buffet car…..he then went on to tell us that a cup of tea was £2…a coffee…£2…..a cheese and ham sandwich … £2…… in fact everything was £2…..except my ticket which was the price of a sodding three-day cruise.

Then, three times during the three-hour journey we were warned to look out for explosive devices and if you find one, not to be a hero and try to defuse it yourself but to let the conductor know where and he will halt the train and run away screaming. Here are some of the others I made a note of:

“First-class areas are for first-class ticket holders only.” Duh.

“This station is monitored by 24-hour CCTV.” Well, you’ve given the game away there you
idiot.

“I’m sorry for the late-running of your service. This is due to the late-running of the previous service”…I am going to use this one the next time we start embarkation late.

There are times when we don’t use the PA system enough. I had a complaint from someone recently that we had closed the pool on the last sea day. Some guests were claiming that we had done this because we had scheduled maintenance for this sea day, which we would, of course, never do. The real reason was that someone had had an accident in the pool and this meant that we had to ……..and excuse the pun…….dump the water. The problem was that the CD had not informed the guests and he didn’t do so because there is no protocol for this, until now. It has been decided that we will let guests know when this happens over the PA system. And the words that the high visibility jacket wearing beards have instructed the CD’s to say over the PA system in the rare event we have to close the pool are; “Ladies and gentlemen, I am very sorry to let you know that we have had to close the pool this morning as there has been some human spillage.”

“Human spillage?” Sorry, but that’s far too PC for me. We should be saying:

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We have, unfortunately, had to close the main pool because Mr. Thomas Runnybottom has dropped a Hummer-sized turd in the pool. A fruit basket and a solid gold plastic ship on a stick to any guest who retrieves it.”

Time for some non-toilet Q and A. Here we go…

Trina Simmonds asked:
John,

We just returned from a cruise on the Carnival Conquest, our first with Carnival. One of the highlights of any cruise is the sailing from the port which was ruined because the captain decided to sail just as we had started the boat safety drill. We were forced to stand there for an hour and miss the whole sailing experience. This is not happened to me with Royal Caribbean or with Disney and my family and I were not impressed by this.

John says:
Hello Trina Simmonds,

I posted this on Facebook yesterday because I wanted to see if other guests had witnessed this recently and many haven’t. We know how important the sailaway experience is to our guests and sometimes it’s beyond our control and on the orders of the pilot or because of needing to get to our first port on time we do sail during the safety briefing. As I said, for the most part we don’t and I hope the next time you sail with us that the drill will be completed before the ship sails. I do hope that you had a great time.

Best wishes.

John

Tammye asked:
Dear John,

We are a family in law enforcement, my husband has been on the department and serving for 25 yrs now. We are on cruise #11 with Carnival and we have often asked the question with no one ever answering. Why does Carnival not offer discounts to police officers or firemen? I was beginning to think CCL just didn’t like police officers! The other cruise lines do offer us discounts like they do for military personnel. We love Carnival and have kept loyal by sailing with you. In fact, my husband and I cruise again this year on Carnival Spirit April 28 (excited to see her after her work!). So please do pass this request on to the beards in charge. Our men and women who serve to protect our citizens every day on the streets in our cities deserve this break as well. Thank you for listening, John.

John says:
Hello Tammye,

First of all let me thank you for the service that your husband and all police officers and firefighters give and all of us at Carnival understand that the job they do is extraordinary. We do offer military discounts and in fact I understand it to be one of the best discounts in the industry but you are right, we don’t have similar discounts for police and firefighters. I will send this to the beards in charge but please let me again thank our police and firefighters who do brilliant work to protect their communities. Please let me know when your husband sails with us again so I can send him something as a show of our appreciation.

Best wishes.

John

Luke asked:
Good evening, John.

I was just reading through some comments on this blog and realized that I am always just reading and never replying. I wanted to let you know that my wife, six-year-old and I cruised on the Legend last September and it was wonderful. We have done many different types of vacations, but that was our first cruise. Very relaxing, lots of fun and what I would consider a very reasonable cost. We enjoyed it so much that we already booked the same cruise July 22 this year. We also talked my wife’s sister and her family, my wife’s mother and her husband and my mom (we are actually treating my mom, so pretty easy to talk her into it) to come as well. With the insane number of vacation destinations available, you know we had to love it to repeat the same trip. I also would like you to pass on to “Wee Jimmy” and Meagan a very sincere thank you. My daughter called in to answer a trivia question on the morning show and instead they chatted with her for awhile. She sang them the Winnie the Pooh song and was rewarded with a stuffed lion. It really made her feel special. Not many kids on a cruise during the school year so that made a world of difference to her. Thank you for the great job in putting those two in place. I hope that we have a fun CD and assistant CD on our next voyage.

Have a wonderful day.

Luke

John says:
Hello Luke,

It is always great to hear from people who don’t post much especially when they have such wonderful things to say as you did. I have passed your comments onto the ship and to Wee Jimmy who is currently the CD on the Carnival Paradise. Thanks again and I hope that we will see you and your beautiful family on one of our ships very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Christina Paris asked:
Hello John!

I really enjoy your informative and very humorous blog. My daughters and I only started cruising after I lost my husband on 9/11 in the terrorist attack. It’s truly a shame we didn’t go on a cruise together, he would have loved it! Anyway, I have a question regarding the Hasbro Game Show addition to the Fun Ship 2.0. I can’t seem to find out if this show will be included on the Carnival Liberty. We are going on the July 7 sailing to the Eastern Caribbean, and would absolutely LOVE to participate in this game show. On our Canada trip on the Carnival Glory in 2010, I played the “60 Seconds or Less” game show and won! It was so much fun, and that trip on the Glory convinced us to be loyal to Carnival from then on. Thanks in advance for the info, and thanks for listening!

Cheers,

Christina

John says:
Hello Christina Paris,

Please let me start by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. I am sure there are days when you feel so very sad and empty without him by your side and that’s why I hope that the cruise in July will rejuvenate you and your beautiful daughters. We won’t have the game show on the ship then, I am afraid, but I hope you can find some way either here or on my Facebook page to contact me so I can send your girls a prize for being so brave and someone Dad would have been so proud of.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Ian King asked:

I have a question about my cruise because we want a table for three people. The cruise is on the Carnival Imagination on June 6. The reason is that we are very religious people and belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and would rather not be around people who drink and use foul language. I do not know what information you need to achieve this but we are in cabin U107. Thank you.

John says:
Hello Ian King,

I have asked the maître d’ to keep this on file and I know he will do his best to accommodate your request. If possible can you remind me here again but preferably on Facebook if you can two weeks before you sail. Just don’t want to forget. I am sure we can help you out and hope you have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Catherine Manchester-Reynolds asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know that later this week we will be booking to sail with you again this time on the Carnival Breeze and we could not be more excited. I do have one question and that’s about Athens. I see that there are riots there at the moment but we are due to go there on the inaugural cruise. Is it safe and if not what port would you swap it for. Can’t wait to see you again, will Heidi and Kye be with you?

John says:
Hello Catherine Manchester-Reynolds,

It will be wonderful to see you on our new ship and yes indeed my family will be with me. Now as for Athens, well I see you posted this six weeks ago and everything has become much quieter there. Please don’t worry, obviously we won’t send our guests anywhere that may be considered unsafe and we will continue to monitor the situation. See you soon and let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Anthony Sullivan asked:
John,

Love the patter on your blog. I am writing to ask two things. Who is going to be the cruise director on the new ship Carnival Breeze? My daughter and future son in law have recently booked a 12-day Med cruise on this ship. July 23 departure from Barcelona. They are traveling from Vancouver, Canada, and celebrating their honeymoon. Anything you could do to make it special would be appreciated!!

Cheers!

Tony

John says:
Hello Anthony Sullivan,

As you may have just read above it will be me and if they drop me a note at the guest services desk when they board I will be honoured to send your daughter and son in law something to say happy honeymoon.

Best wishes to you all.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hi John,

I have given up trying to get answers from you, but if you read this will you at least pass it on to whoever is in charge of the program? A lot of us who have eight cruises like me, and two more booked, but will not sail before the loyalty program changes, are concerned that after years of trying to attain platinum status, that we will now have to back up and somewhat start over again. Carnival will require 75 points for the second level, where Royal Caribbean requires 30 under their new program. The system based on points accrues twice as fast as Carnival’s. I would hope that since it will take more than one cruise now to make the second level that the least Carnival would be to make one of the perks for second level, which was gold before, VIP check in. Those who have sailed five or six times with Carnival deserve that at least, I have e-mailed Carnival, talked to them on the phone etc, they are nice , but will not give me ANY definite answer as to if I would be “grandfathered” or not to platinum level, since my 2nd booked cruise would put me there under the old system. I really wish you would reply to this, and give me some answers that make sense. Thank you

John says:
Hello John Vanecek,

I know I have not been able to give any details about our loyalty program but I promise I will as soon as I can. All I can do for now is repeat myself and say a huge thank you for your loyalty and repeat the fact that I have been assured that those who are at Platinum level now will not lose their seniority and that those who are “close” will be grandfathered in. Based upon what I do know, and assuming nothing changes between now and the time the new program launches, you will most likely be grandfathered into the new program based on the sailings you have booked. Thanks so much for your understanding and again I hope I am able to tell you more soon.

Best wishes.

John

Bruce Muller asked:

I hope I have a chance to meet you on a cruise because I am very funny like you and want to be a cruise director. I am only 12 but it’s my dream to do but my mom wants me to be a actor and says I would get more money than a cruise director does is this true please

John says:
Hello Bruce Muller,

I hope that you follow your dream and become a cruise director because I bet you would be the best cruise director ever. If you become a famous actor you will have more money and more girlfriends and cars and houses but as a cruise director you will be making people laugh and that’s the best reward in the world. OK, that’s rubbish……..become an actor.

Best wishes.

John

Carla Antiebe asked:

The best employee Carnival has is Ken Byrne. The joy he brings to the dining room each night through his singing and his friendly personality is something that I will never forget. I don’t remember the names of any other maître ds I have had on my seven cruises but Ken is someone I will never forget.

John says:
Hello Carla Antiebe,

He is indeed one of a kind and I promise that he will see this and that the senior management at Carnival does as well.

Best wishes and thanks for this wonderful post.

John

That’s all for today.

OK, let me ask you a question. What is brunch? Not sure? Me neither because I don’t think I have ever said to my family or friends, “Let’s meets for brunch.” Looking at it I think that brunch was invented when enough people thought that breakfast arrived too early and lunch too late. It also suited those who can’t cope with a hot breakfast after waking up, but who love the idea by lunchtime. So basically then…………….brunch is for lazy buggers.

However, one of the new features I am looking forward to seeing on the Carnival Breeze is the Punchliner Comedy Brunch presented by George Lopez. Now this doesn’t mean George himself will be there but what it does mean is that we will have our top comedians entertaining you in five- to six-minute comedy sets while you enjoy a fabulous breakfast/lunch favorites created by our masterful chefs. Now we have started this on the Carnival Miracle already and I have read reports from the guests that it was something they really enjoyed. I know that the comedians were a little nervous about this and, of course, that is understandable, after all it’s hard to be funny to the sound of knives and forks on plates and hoping that people will be able to laugh when they have a huge mouthful of food. But, despite their nerves, I heard that it did indeed go very well and laughter was definitely heard above the chomping. Now this provides yet another great dining and entertainment option to our guests and is a great alternative to the Lido restaurant at lunchtime. In order to do this, we needed to provide you with a brilliant menu, a fun menu that does indeed complement the entertainment………..and you know what? We most obviously did.

Click here to take a look at the menu.

This menu and the comedy performances have already been implemented on the Carnival Miracle and I asked for some feedback from the ship’s senior management. Here is what they had to say.

• Great for late risers, as they can still enjoy eggs and other breakfast favorites
• Great menu – classics and new eats suggested by George Lopez, spicy eggs in the morning are a good treat!
• The shows start the guests off in a good mood for the day
• Additional exposure opportunities for our great comedians
• Comedians and guests enjoy a closer interaction with each other. Comedy-style meet and greet, and guests get involved in the show a bit.
• The shows create a wonderful atmosphere and get people chatting about the comedians.
• The attendance in the dining room has increased during the lunchtime hours with sometimes as much as 700 brunch attendees
• The lines on Lido have reduced, so there is more streamlined service upstairs.
• Brunch is much more appealing with the floating Bloody Mary cart, great touch.
• New uniform aprons for the wait staff. Outfits are more relaxed, and less stuffy.
• Some guests even stop in on the upper level just to see what’s going on, should they wish to look and not eat

I do hope though that while our guests are enjoying the Eggs Benedict that they will give good attention to our comedians because as I mentioned before there was a bit of nervousness on their part when we first approached them with this idea. Working in a dining room is certainly a bit different than a club but they give it their all and from what I’ve heard so far the concept is working fabulously great and the comedians are really enjoying it.

Our-fly on comedians really intrigue me. They fly twice or three times a week and live basically out of a suitcase. I love to laugh though and so often the best comedians die far too young. Peter Sellers, Peter Cook, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and my favourite, a British comedian called Tommy Cooper who literally died on stage. You know, talk to any of our fly-on comics and they will talk to you about the language of war that is often used when talking about comedy. You see, if Al Ernst or Happy Cole or George Solano or I bet even George Lopez does well you and the audience dies. If they have a terrible show, they die, and the audience kills. I wonder if anyone will heckle them during the brunch? Anyway, as you enjoy your brunch and if you laugh, which you will, please don’t spit bits of Huevos Rancheros over Putu the waiter…….he doesn’t like that very much.

Well, that’s all for today. It’s been a great week yet spoiled a little by some awful things said by people who are apparently my “friends” on Facebook. No, not about me, they can say what they like as they are as entitled to an opinion about me as I am about me. Nope, this was an awful attack on someone who had been taken off the Carnival Magic for urgent lifesaving medical attention. And what they said wasn’t even said on my Facebook page yet when someone sent it to me, I realised that there are some people whose morals are lower than a snakes bollocks.

This made me realise that like all entertainers face hecklers so there are hecklers on the World Wide Web, too. I, for one, should accept it with humility which I don’t always do, but more worryingly anyone who becomes even briefly famous or is mentioned on any social media site now risks heckling by faceless “trolls.”

These days children suffer as their Facebook pages are attacked with the kind of bullying that used to go on in the school yard. Yep, these last days I have once again realised that it’s a troll world we live in and parents like me are going to have to make sure we teach our kids…….. how to have a very thick skin.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Having been through the wonders and the utter terror of child birth, I do understand that it’s painful but come on, ladies, pink eye is no walk in the park either. In the UK the whole birthing process is handled by a midwife and her assistant. There is no doctor unless you have complications. The midwives are mostly middle aged or older ladies and look like Mrs. Doubtfire except that this being the UK they have a Polish accent rather than a Scottish one. I was a bit taken aback by this. I wanted machines that go ping and doctors cloaked and masked and ready to get my baby here now.

I do remember Heidi being in a bit of pain and that she was making loud grunting noises like one of those Russian tennis players Anna Getyourknickersov or something like that. Then as the contractions grew, her moans became howls. Was my wife turning into a werewolf? Kye was born in a strange position which Heidi did, if I remember rightly, blame me for. Her head was facing up instead of down or down instead of up……I can’t remember which. I had my back firmly to the show and as much as I wanted to help Heidi through the pain, I was going to be no bloody good having a quick look downstairs and immediately fainting. I don’t remember much except I really did try to help, honest. I said “Breathe …. in … out …….in……out.” And my normally non-swearing placid partner replied…..”I know how to f*****g breathe, you wanker.”

So from that day on every time I am ill, Heidi tells me it’s nothing how only she knows real pain after she pushed a seven-pound turkey through a mouse hole and my reply that I am surprised I am able to have rumpy pumpy with after witnessing childbirth……. Never strengthens my case.

Men, listen to Uncle John here. Your wife will tell you she wants you in the birthing room for your support and because she wants you to hold her hand and to be there to witness the birth of what will be the most important thing in your life. That’s not the reason, oh no. She wants you there so she can milk it forever and ever, especially when you’re complaining about having a cold. Heidi said men will never understand the pain of child birth. Well, obviously, she has never been kicked in the bollocks, has she chaps?!

Time for some Q and A….off we go

Kathryn Hall Allahyari asked:

Who will be the CD on the April 1, 2012 cruise of the Carnival Splendor? We are taking our three children, their spouses and our eight grandchildren on a cruise for our 50 wedding anniversary, and I would like to do something special for my husband – can you suggest anything really romantic????

John says:
Hello Kathryn Hall Allahyari

Your CD will be the wonderful Todd Wittmer who is one of our most experienced and finest cruise directors. As for romantic, well I would suggest that one night you leave the family and grandkids and just you and your husband go to the steakhouse and have a private meal for two. The food is exquisite and the atmosphere will complement your romantic night perfectly. You can book this through my blog and the ship will then send an email confirmation. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Odent asked:

You know what makes me LOL? You, Mr. Heald. You pretend to be the friend of the people who read your blog and read your Facebook but be honest the day you leave Carnival you won’t care if they live or die. I am not going to blow smoke up your ass either to get some pathetic free gift but will come right to the point. Will you show March Madness basketball on the Carnival Liberty’s giant screen?

John says:
Hello Dennis Odent

While it is hard to remember all the thousands of people who cruise with me I do consider many of them friends and if Carnival suddenly decided that they needed a newer, slimmer, funnier CD and brand ambassador then I hope that my friendship with everyone would continue, it certainly would from my side regardless of how cynical you may feel. Anyway, let’s see, ahhh, yes, now that my arse (spelt correctly) is smoke free I will say that the some of the games will be played on board on the Seaside Theatre and some in the EA Sports bar. Have a brilliant cruise and I hope we can become friends one day.

Best wishes.

John

Helen De Veer asked:

There is an obvious short fall when it comes to Carnival and their brand ambassador caring about vegans. We cruised on the Eclipse and enjoyed Seitan main courses (Seitan, pronounced say-tahn, is a wheat-based Asian meat substitute), tomato pomodoro, tofu medallion piccata and many more exotic dishes. On Carnival there was very little that didn’t involve chick peas and it wasn’t for the vegetarian Indian dish in the dining hall then we would have starved. You may mock Mr. Heald but maybe a look in a full length mirror will show you that your perception needs to change and that Carnival needs to have two or three main courses for vegans each night at dinner.

John says:
Hello Helen de Veer

Thanks for the email but I thought I have always heard good things from vegetablists who cruise with us, especially about the dinner options including the Indian dish you mentioned. I do hope that you found some nice options and I will be sending your comments to our executive chef so that he can see what you would wish to see as enjoyed on the Celebrity ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the encouragement to change my diet.

Best wishes.

John

John Coren asked:
John –

Is it possible to request a specific waitress when you have any time dining? We were on Carnival Magic at Christmas and had a lovely lady from Romania called Allina (sp?) and she served us the last three nights. I have read since that if you like a waiter then you can ask for them when you enter the dining room. Is this true?

Thanks

John says:
Hello John Coren

Yes indeed it is true however I should mention that it’s not always possible because his or her section may be full. But if you time it right or you are prepared to wait until there is space then yes you can indeed. I hope this helps you and please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes.

John

Wendy and Richard George asked:
Hi John,

After sailing on Splendor (with Heidi and you as cruise director) and Carnival Spirit, we are absolutely delighted to know that the powers that be at Carnival are sending Spirit Down under. We are sailing on her first voyage out of Honolulu to Sydney next September and would love to know if you will be here for the arrival of the first Whale Tail into Sydney Harbor. It will be worth it. Bring Heidi and Kye too (No big crocs, dingoes or bird eating spiders here, they are all up north).

Regards,

Wendy and Richard George

John says:
Hello Wendy and Richard George

Thanks so much for those kind words and it’s great to hear from you both. I have seen the welcome that Sydney gives Cunard ships and it would be nice to think that we would get a similar welcome from our Aussie friends. I am looking at the possibilities of being there but we shall have to see what my schedule allows for. It certainly will be a memorable moment and one it would be great to share with you both. Thanks for writing and I hope to see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hello John,

It was nice to meet you on the inaugural cruise from Galveston on the Carnival Magic. I’m glad the mad waiter didn’t hit you with a stick. Please help me with an issue. This was our eighth Carnival cruise, and my daughter and son in law’s first, as they are big time RC cruisers. I did an on boardbooking the first day for 4/14/2013. This will make us platinum (finally) after we sail on the Carnival Triumph next October. So I convinced my daughter that Carnival is great, and to keep sailing with us. She made her booking for the same cruise the last evening. John, it was pure chaos. The poor loyalty rep had no help and the people were lined up in droves to pick up certificates, etc. It took us two hours to book her cruise, and my major complaint is that after several messages to Carnival, with no resolve, they have yet to add the $100 promotional credit to her billing when she logs in to Carnival. I am trying my best to convince them that Carnival will furnish some great cruises as they have for me. They are Wendi and Randy Baldwin and are booked on the Carnival Triumph 11/14/2011 Can you get this simple request done? One other issue is that a lot of folks would love to see Progresso removed from the cruise ports, as the water is no better than Galveston, and you can go to the ruins from any Mexico stop. If I had it my way, I would make the five-day sailings Cozumel and Costa Maya, or Calica, where we went some years ago on the Celebration. The beach there is gorgeous. It was not so bad that the Carnival Magic missed Costa Maya for us, as we are fairly seasoned, but we heard many complaints on the ship about it. I thank you for your assistance, and hope to see you again. Thank you for the wonderful cruises Carnival has taken us on.

John Vanecek

John says:
Hello John Vanecek

I am thinking that as I am so far behind in my blog questions that this has been resolved but just to make sure I have just sent off a note to my colleagues who will make sure that is the case. I am very sorry you had to go through so much trouble and we will do better with this in the future I am positive John. I will also pass on your thoughts re: Calica. Thanks again and please drop me a line if you can on my Facebook page a week before you sail and include your cabin number.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sandy W asked:
Hey John,

Need your help getting me and my wife a table for two at dinner. We are Mennonites and deeply religious and mealtimes are a sacrament for us. We are on the 3/1 cruise on Carnival Paradise cabin M101.

Thank you

John says:
Hello Sandy W

I am very thankful that I saw this in time as I see you are sailing next week. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to assist you with this and I wish you a wonderful time.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Susan Horn asked:
Hi John;

I was wondering if you could tell me when formal nights for the April 13, 2012 Carnival Spirit to Hawaii are. I heard they were both on the way to Hawaii and was wondering why they wouldn’t do one each way?? Also really looking forward to seeing the new Carnival Spirit after her facelift.

Thanks for any info.

Sue Horn

John says:
Hello Susan Horn

The ship looks great and I hope you have seen Mr Radu’s photos recently here and on Facebook. Let’s have a look at this brilliant voyage, shall we?

• Fri, Apr, 13 San Diego dep @ 4pm
• Sat, Apr, 14 at sea
• Sun, Apr, 15 at sea ELEGANT
• Mon, Apr, 16 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 17 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 18 Hilo 10am-7pm
• Thu, Apr, 19 Kahului 8am-11pm
• Fri, Apr, 20 Honolulu 9am-11pm
• Sat, Apr, 21 Kona 8am-5pm
• Sun, Apr, 22 Nawiliwili 7am-4pm
• Mon, Apr, 23 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 24 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 25 at sea ELEGANT
• Thu, Apr, 26 at sea
• Fri, Apr, 27 Ensenada

I have marked the elegant nights for you and as you can see you have one each side of the ports. I hope this helps and I wish you a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Gwen Smith asked:
John,

First let me say what isn’t said enough on this blog – THANK YOU!! I had posted a message to you on Facebook and you delivered, as promised! My parents really enjoyed the goodies you sent them. I promised I would send you a little review of our recent trip on the Liberty. It was the first trip with our children, ages 10 and nine. They are now hooked on cruising and can’t wait to go again! We just had the best time! Butch was fabulous as our cruise director. We listened to the morning show that he and Amy put on and my son actually won a teddy bear from Fun Ship Freddy. Let me tell you, nothing starts a nine-year-old’s day off right like having Freddy personally deliver a bear to your room!

I was worried that my son, who is a picky eater, would have trouble with the food on the cruise. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He loved the pizza and our waiters in the Silver Dining room spoiled him to death. They did everything they could; including tracking down my parents anniversary cake, to make sure that our experience was amazing. There were plenty of activities for everyone to do. I was glad I brought some post-its as that was the only way we knew where everyone was on the sea days. My parents had a great trip, a trip of a lifetime they said. However, that can’t be right, because they are looking to go again in February! We did have one small issue, and that was with our service staff at Harry’s steakhouse. We didn’t feel like we were as taken care of in regards to drinks. There were a couple of times during the meal that drinks were empty, even after a request had been made for a refill. This was a very small thing and in NO way ruined our cruise or will stop us from eating at the steakhouse again. There were no complaints from any of the six of us about the quality of the food. We left stuffed!

Finally, I have to let you know how hard our room steward, Jay, worked. We had four people in an ocean view room, so it was cluttered, by our own doings. My son also got sick one night. We had to call housekeeping at midnight for a fresh change of sheets. They were there in no time and happily took care of everything. Jay came in the next morning, freshened everything up, gave our son a new mattress and made our room good as new again! He was always leaving the kids’ bears in cute places and just couldn’t have been better. Sorry for making this so long, but please pass on our thanks to everyone for making this an excellent cruise and thank you again for all you do!

Gwen

John says:
Hello Gwen Smith

There is no need to apologise for the length of this review as it was just perfect and a joy to read. Before I forget, the post it notes was a brilliant idea, well done. I shall be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled, I promise. I shall also make sure they the see note about the drink service in the steakhouse which sounds like we need to improve on and we will. Thanks again and thank you for the kind words at the start of your post. I hope we see you again very, very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Stephanie Oliveira asked:

We will be taking our daughter on a cruise on the Carnival Magic on March 11, 2012. So excited. She will be eight then but will turn nine in August and I would like to do a Carnival theme party. I will need Carnival balloons, and T-shirts, and some of those famous trophies enough for 30 of her friends. It would be a great promo for Carnival as well. Can you provide these and have them delivered to cabin 1377 on our cruise?

John says:
Hello Stephanie Oliveira

Unfortunately we don’t have party supplies available for this but it is a great idea I must admit. I will send your daughter something on the cruise which is just two weeks away now and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

So off we go on a new cruise and let’s see who is sailing with us and where we are going.

TOTAL GUESTS 4,143
TOTAL GUESTS UNDER 21 483

Non US 81 Canadians; 19 Mexico

I will tell you one thing, Carnival Magic guests love with unbridled passion our karaoke parties and I could have Lady Ga Ga supported by a naked Garth Brooks appearing at the Ocean Plaza and Ron Pass and Elton John on dueling pianos in the piano bar, but it would be karaoke that would be the busiest. There is no doubt that karaoke continues to be one of the most popular activities on our ships. Every day our guests come on stage and do horrible things to Adele, Mariah Carey and that awful Summer Nights song from Grease.

I cannot go into the karaoke lounges on the ship because people see me and try to get me to sing and honestly, I would rather have “I Love H82Seaugo” tattooed on my buttocks than sing a karaoke song. I bet though that next week on BC5 I won’t have a choice when we hold our private Superstar Live event which is of course even worse as its live karaoke with the band. Oh, bugger!

People think I don’t like karaoke because I don’t like music. On the contrary, I don’t like karaoke because I’m a music lover. Granted, there are some people who are genuinely talented but being subjected to a chap who has been enjoying the company of Jack Daniels all night singing some drunken version of Grooves Like Jagger is not my idea of a good night out.

I’ve concluded that karaoke singers collude with each other, ignoring how horrible their mates sound because they fear with good reason that they sound as bad. Me, I know it sounds horrible when I sing, I know that dogs will be howling back in Galveston and I know that my voice sounds as flat as Kate Moss’s chest. I make people vomit when I sing………so I don’t. Yes, occasionally you get some great singers and yet ask the guests and they will tell you that for some rather bizarre reason that they enjoy listening to the bad singers as much as the good ones.

Last night I went to check up on our Karaoke Host Melvin who, by the way, I promoted from photographer to now one of the best karaoke hosts in the fleet. Sure enough, the moment I walked in, I was spotted and guests started to chant my name and one tried to thrust the microphone at me. Making a break for it involved running the gauntlet through overexcited, slightly intoxicated women grabbing at me from every direction…..it was like a zombie movie.

However, now and then, as I said, you do get someone who is simply brilliant and the Musical Director Alan had seen this young man perform at karaoke and so we had to put him in the talent show last cruise. Here then is Ben, age 11, singing Adele’s Rolling In The Deep.

Now there is a young man who has a great voice, a sparkling personality and is going to ruin it all by becoming a cruise director. Still……better than becoming a lawyer.

As some of you know late Saturday night we had a man overboard incident.

Here is what happened as reported on my Facebook page yesterday: It was 10:25 p.m. Elvis was in the building and looked magnificent. He was thin Elvis and I was the fat emcee. There were 1,000 people in the audience and just as I was preparing to go on stage and introduce The King of Rock and Roll, the PA system suddenly shouted, “Bravo Bravo, Port Side,” which all of us crew know is the coded wording for “Man Overboard.” Oh, by the way, I am sure that someone wearing sandals and who will be eating tofu on toast for breakfast will tell me I should say, “Person Overboard” in these PC times, but it’s 6:45am and I have had just four hours sleep so bugger that.

I handed the microphone to my assistant Hennie who was backstage with me and ran to the elevator and luckily it was on the way up which is a good thing because by the time my fat arse had made it up the stairs from deck 3 to the bridge on deck 8, the guests would have heard nothing on the PA system except my labored heaving breathing and not even my wife likes that.

So on the bridge; the well-practiced rescue procedures for man overboard were underway. Details were sketchy and as the brilliant Captain Cutugno began to turn the vessel to head back to where the reported incident had taken place, I knew I had to let the guests know what was happening. The “Bravo Bravo” call had been made through the emergency system so they knew something was happening and I have always felt that information is king…….OK, Elvis is The King but the guests needed to know what was happening. And so I told them what I knew. “Ladies and gentlemen, the announcement you have just heard is that we have a reported man overboard. The captain and crew are now doing what they need to do in order to search and let us hopefully rescue this person. I promise to keep you informed.”

The next 15 minutes were very tense on the bridge as the captain turned this leviathan of a ship as quickly and as safely as he could back to where the man had reportedly gone overboard. While he did that I called the U.S. Coast Guard on my cell phone. This obviously was under the instructions of the captain who asked me to keep them informed. And I did and I want to thank the brilliantly professional petty officer who helped me as I gave our position and details. She informed me that a helicopter would be scrambled immediately to our position.

As the ship finished her turn I think all of us expected the worst because those of us who have been in this position before all knew that it was very rare that these events ever had a happy ending. However, suddenly the huge spotlights that we were using to search the still choppy waters suddenly showed a blinking light in the distance….hold on……..there were two blinking lights. We knew that one of the crew members who had seen this person go into the water had thrown a life ring in and that it would have an emergency beacon but the second light, what was that? I was then told that the person who had gone into the water was allegedly wearing a lifejacket which we all know also has a light on it designed to attract attention in the water and it was doing exactly that.

We were too far still to see if there was a person inside the lifejacket and even with the bridge officer’s powerful binoculars, we just couldn’t tell. The captain gave a precise course and speed and we headed toward the lights. At the same time Captain Cutugno gave the order to lower the portside rescue boat, just above the water level and ready to be deployed.

I made announcement number two explaining to the guests what was happening. What we knew they knew. During all of this, Elvis continued singing and even though half his audience had chosen to watch the rescue rather than listen to his great music and watch his pelvis gyrate, the show went on.

At 10:52 pm the captain ordered the rescue boat into the water and Officer Diego and his crew raced toward the lights. At this point the ship had come to a stop around 300 meters from the lights and remained stopped, the captain using the powerful thrusters to keep us in position. Now all we could do was wait for the rescue boat team to tell us what they found.

There were probably 400 guests or so lining the Deck 5 Lanai and hundreds more on their balconies all looking at what was happening, some looking for that YouTube moment no doubt such is the world we live in.

And we waited.

And then through the static of the radio we heard these words, “We see one person; I repeat we see one person, we will rescue from the water.”

And we waited.

“We have rescued one from the water, one from the water, he is alive, repeat he is alive.”

There was no time to jump for joy, not yet anyway. The captain ordered the rescue boat to return to the ship and for the starboard side shell doors to be opened and the automatic stairs to be lowered to accept the return of the boat and to bring the person back on board as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile, I told the guests and then I phoned my new best friend at the Coast Guard and told her the great news. She canceled the helicopter and shared her good wishes to the captain and crew. Meanwhile the person was brought to the ship and taken immediately to the medical center where he spent the night in the excellent care of our doctors and nurses. I thanked the guests and wished them a good night.

And that was that. I can’t speculate why this crewmember jumped overboard wearing a life jacket but thanks to the brilliant work of the captain and crew last night and that little light on his life jacket, he is alive today. It was quite an evening……all to the soundtrack of Elvis Presley.

I know I posted this on Facebook but what I didn’t say was this. You know, the young crew member is alive today because of the brilliant work of Captain Giovanni Cutugno and his officers and crew. The code for man overboard is “Bravo Bravo” and today I stand up and applaud and shout “Bravo, Bravo” to the captain and crew of the Carnival Magic whose brilliant professionalism saved someone’s life. And it feels great to write that this story has a happy ending and it also feels great to stand up and shout the praises of our Italian captain and his wonderful and dedicated crew.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But times change and the tuxedo has become an endangered species, replaced by regular business suits. This past elegant night on the Carnival Magic, Calvyn and I set out to see how many we could count. He walked round the dining rooms while I covered the captain’s celebration on Promenade deck, both sittings. Now obviously we didn’t see everyone but out of the many hundreds of guests we did see, it will maybe surprise you that the total number of guests wearing a tuxedo was………..11. Yep just 11.Now you may think that this is specific to the Carnival Magic in Galveston but I assure you it’s not as it was the same when we sailed out of Europe as well. Yep, the tuxedo is slowly becoming the betamax of the fashion world.

Many of you know my feelings on dress code and I really don’t want to drag this up again so that H82Seaugo and her mates can get their John Heald voodoo dolls out and stick some pins in my bottom, but times they are a changing. Back in those days, you couldn’t go anywhere without going home first to get changed. I remember the day when restaurants would turn you away if you weren’t wearing a tie. Gentlemen were required to wear jackets. Look, I know that this is a point of contention for many people but overall I think we have a dress code that is exactly what it should be………..relaxed. Telling guests what to wear is like insisting that all the vegetablists eat a huge steak. If you are a host at a party you are throwing at your house, then it is your duty to make sure that your guests have as nice a time as possible. That means letting them wear and do and eat whatever takes their fancy and during your much needed vacation I think it is absurd to tell our guests what they must wear. Some won’t agree, I’m sure.

So unless you’re George Clooney at the Oscars it appears the tuxedo is out and most of our guests have stopped wearing them on elegant night. And from what I have seen this week the new trend is for guests who do dress elegantly to change after dinner and photos back into casual clothes. The tuxedo looked good but with cummerbunds, cufflinks and a real bow tie to fasten and to position under the triangle collar it was easier to build a nuclear power station then to put one on. I recognise that some people like getting dressed up. I have no problem with this. But I can say from being with Carnival for 26 years that things have changed, they really have and the tuxedo has for the most part been replaced with the business suit and tie.

You know, when I used to go to what were then called discos, you had to wear a suit or you wouldn’t be allowed in. But not anymore. Now you can wear what you like. And judging by what some of the ladies were wearing in the Vibe Dance club last night, it seems …………………. you don’t have to wear much of anything at all.

Let’s crack on, shall we?

Maureen asked:
John,

I just love the new link tab on the Carnival Facebook page. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the life and times of the cruise directors. I was looking for the Cruise Director Jamie, that we had on the Carnival Sensation Oct 9-13, 2011, but didn’t see her picture or bio listed there. She was fabulous! And we enjoyed her as cruise director. We hope to have her as cruise director on another cruise in the future.

John says:
Hello Maureen

Thanks for those kind words. Jaime is as of tomorrow on Carnival Legend and will eventually head to the Carnival Liberty as CD. I saw her yesterday in Freeport and she looks great and is definitely an asset to Carnival. Thanks again for the kind words and I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes.

John

Jennifer Reiss asked:

Your blog today contained a letter from someone who was on the same cruise as me on the Carnival Fantasy. She wrote how disturbed she was that during a night of entertainment Carnival decided to allow three passengers to sing religious songs on stage. I agree, it is disgusting and in this day and age I am shocked that Carnival allows this to happen. Please explain why on a fun cruise ship as Carnival proclaims to be is this allowed. Religious songs must be banned as you have a multi-cultural multi or no faith audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reiss

I am sorry for the long delay in my reply to your question but I really am so far behind in my blog questions. The talent show is a feature on some ships and we allow guests to entertain their fellow guests. There are guidelines which include no comedians or songs with bad language etc but respectfully, do you honestly expect us to ban religious songs? I mean, what’s next? I do hope despite this that you had a great cruise and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Jo Kesar asked:

Carnival needs to enforce its rules on dress code because on our relocation cruise on Carnival Paradise was marred by many passengers dressing in jeans and T-shirts at dinner including formal night and our dining room experience was spoiled by the crew allowing this to happen. Another sign of Carnival’s slipping standards. My DH and I are VIP platinum guests and this was cruise number 17.

John says:
Terri Jo

I know many guests still like to dress up because that chance doesn’t come around much for many and it’s great that we give you the choice but comments like this one genuinely baffle me. Why would you worry about what someone else is wearing while you’re eating dinner? I am sorry Terri Jo, I do hope you had a great cruise through the canal and truly value you as a Carnival guest but honestly, I don’t get it.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Beaudry asked:

I just returned from a cruise aboard the Carnival Triumph (11/12 – 11/17). I loved our cruise director, Tex. At first, I thought he was a little annoying but he really grew on me and I looked forward to his daily announcements. The dance he made up of the different movements (wash the dog, shopping, mow the lawn and the sprinkler etc.) was absolutely hilarious. I also, want to recognize Cassie as well. She was a lot of fun.

John says:
Hello Martha Beaudry

Well that’s two in today’s Q&A for the cruise directors and that’s great news indeed. I shall make sure Tex and Cassie see how much you enjoyed them and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Gold Member (4) asked:
HI,

I am NOT complaining at any type I’m just suggesting! I’ve been on four Carnival cruises, and on each one there has been a lack of chicken wings! That’s it! Love Carnival, everything is great: food, entertainment, trivia’s, and youth programs! Thanks for reading.

John says:
Hello Gold Member (4)

If only other questions were as simple to answer as this. I will pass your comments to the beards and I should mention that we now serve complimentary chicken wings at the EA Sports Bar on the Carnival Liberty and will on other ships as they get their 2.0 upgrades. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Bracali asked:
Brand Ambassador.

I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and am fascinated by how a company like Carnival Cruise Lines allows you to get away with such a blog as this. You do seem to have the ear of the higher ups so I wanted you know that in my opinion Carnival wants to keep growing and enticing its customer base to return to Carnival then it must hire better workers. The experience that my family and I had on the Carnival Splendor was one of lack of English from the officers in white uniforms to the cabin boy who when asked for something would smile and nod and then not bring or do what he was asked. You must realize that if the workers don’t understand the customers’ requests then how can you offer good customer service? Answer is that you cannot. I spoke with many on that cruise and each one agreed that the language barrier made this cruise a forgettable one at best and a massive annoyance and disappointment at worst. I suggest that as the ambassador you act on this now.

John says:
Hello Paul Bracali

Thanks for taking the time to write and I do hope you had a great cruise despite your concerns. I am though going to have to say that I disagree with you because our crew all have to pass an English exam before being placed in guest service positions and while it may not be their first language and although they may speak with a heavy accent, they understand your requests and are able to provide brilliant customer service. I am therefore so shocked to see this comment. You may have spoken to those on that cruise who you say agreed with you but respectfully I will say that your comment is a rare one. I will though pass this to the ship’s senior management as you requested and I hope you will return to Carnival again where I promise we will give you the best value for money cruise vacation in the industry.

Best wishes.

John

Angela Henkel asked:

I have been on six Carnival cruises and it seems that the more that I am on, the worse location I get in the dining room. I look forward to every aspect of the cruise including dining and this is becoming very disappointing. I was told during my sixth cruise that if I am unhappy with my location, I can speak to the maitre´ d, which I did and all I accomplished was upsetting her and she made it very clear to me. While this was my sixth cruise (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it was my father’s first and I was anxious for him to have a good time and be able to see the waiters sing and dance and want to cruise again. She moved us, it was still a terrible location and we could not see anything. So, why is it that as I cruise more am I getting worse locations in the dining room?

John says:
Hello Angela Henkel

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done. In truth it’s based on demographics, groups and other factors but not who has cruised the most. I think the maitre d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and regardless of where you are seated that you will receive good food and brilliant service. I am guessing that you wish to be based at the centre of the dining room which a few guests do feel are the best tables and if that’s the case let me know next time you cruise and I will do my best to assist you. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Dean asked:
John,

This may get a little long, but I wanted to make sure and call out everything and everyone on the Carnival Freedom that made our cruise the best yet. We sailed on 11/19, and are dealing with our first full day back home (including some serious withdrawal). Before I started forgetting things, I wanted to write up some feedback.

First, the eight-day western Caribbean is a perfect itinerary. The perfect mix of sea days and ports to keep a busy family relaxed. The only thing we wished is that it had an extra day to stop by Cozumel again on the way home between the two sea days for some extra beach time.

Next, on to the staff. I’ve never understood some forum comments I’ve seen people make in the past where they’d indicate a cruise director either made or ruined their cruise. In my opinion, I’m the only one who can make my cruise good or bad, since it is after all, my cruise. After being on the Carnival Freedom last week, I now get what they’re saying (in a good way). Brad was simply outstanding and definitely made our time on the ship better. I couldn’t tell you the name of any CD we’ve had on past ships (various lines), but I have no doubt we’ll remember Brad. The guy has the perfect personality for this job, and is absolutely hilarious (or “almost a comedian” as some lady at the Q&A put it, which she meant as a compliment). Carnival should do whatever they can to keep him, and as you can tell, we can’t say enough good stuff about him.

Frankly, his entertainment staff is great, too. We played trivia several times, and Chelsea was awesome. She was always smiling, and incredibly friendly. In case she sees this, we’d like to give her a shout out from the Crusin’ Cats. We had a blast coming back from wwaaayyy behind to win super trivia on the last day!

Moving on, our wait staff in the Posh dining room, headed by Ashwin, was excellent. He’s a very personable guy, and did a great job, even with some of the others at our table disappearing on him. We wish him a safe and relaxing trip home when he gets off the ship in a few days.
Great DR + great table next to the aft windows + great staff = excellent dining experience. Not sure how we pulled that outstanding table location, but we loved it. I’d also like to add that our visit to the steak house was excellent. The filet was perfect (far better than the filet served in the DR ), and Polina was very friendly and handled some changes to our steakhouse reservations before we sailed very quickly. Hope she enjoys her time off.

Overall, Carnival has come a long way since we last sailed with them in 2004, and as mentioned, this turned in to our best cruise to date. A very big thank you to everyone on the ship for a wonderful vacation!

Dean

PS – To the dancer who did the Austin Powers themed dance class, it was awesome, but you should add a flash mob element to it. After you teach the class the dance, send them up nonchalantly to Lido and Panorama to surround the pool, and once everyone is up there fire up the music and start dancing. It’d be awesome!

John says:
Hello Dean

What an absolutely fantastic review and I am so glad you mentioned Brad who is everything you said he is. The Carnival Freedom is top of the fleet in ratings as per the guest review cards and your review sums up exactly why. I have sent your words of praise to the ship and the beards and I hope we will see you again soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Lori De Granger asked:
John –

You mentioned that Carnival has no religious services on board their boats so how can you state you are a family cruise line. I was researching the possibilities of doing a cruise and read your blog and when I saw that you had no services I was horrified and bitterly disappointed. It’s back to Branson, Missouri, for us.

John says:
Hello Lorri De Granger

That’s two very different comments today about religion. Every now and then I have to simply say that cruising isn’t for everyone and if religious services during the cruise is a deciding factor whether you book with Carnival then this is one of those occasions. I wish you and your family a wonderful vacation wherever you spend it and if you think there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Perez asked:

I have read various comments about past guest parties, but after nine sailings on Carnival, I have never been invited to one. How come?

John says:
Hello Frank Perez

I am flabbergasted by this. I really am You should have received written invitations in your stateroom since cruise number two. I sincerely apologise and will look into this right now for you and someone will be in touch.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Haviland asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I need a table for two because of my wife’s speech impediment which she is very embarrassed about. We are on Dream Marc 3, 2012 in cabin 8292.

Simon and Martha Haviland

John says:
Hello Simon Haviland

I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with this and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

Just wondering if you will be the cruise director on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze out of Miami. We were on the inaugural of the Carnival Magic out of Galveston and were a little disappointed that you were not the CD on that trip, although we were happy to see you out and about on the ship. We had a great time on the cruise, especially the Trivia/Canada trivia with Calvin. I think the wife (Trina) would be his groupie if we weren’t in the 29+++++++ age group. So I guess her question would be, is Calvin going to be on the Carnival Breeze for the inaugural out of Miami. And by the way, thank you for the strawberries you sent us for our anniversary. It was like seed faith for an evangelist; Trina had to have them every day for the rest of the cruise. Whatever keeps mama happy is a good thing.

Thanks again, Cheers

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

Brilliant post because that describes Calvyn so much, He is funny and so talented and we will be hosting shows together when we see you on the Carnival Breeze. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise and see you both soon.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today, many thanks for all the questions and comments.

And as promised I will continue with my recap of the ports that the Carnival Legend will visit on her Baltic cruises and today we talk about the jewel in the Baltic itinerary which is of course St. Petersburg — the one in Russia, not Florida.

The excursions we will offer in 2013 will be simply the best and remember to pass through Russian immigration you must have booked a private excursion and have proof of this with you or, as most guests do book an excursion onboard. You will not be able to get past the men with frying pan hats on and who have the sense of humour of a dead slug if you don’t. You cannot just go ashore on your own, it’s not allowed. The end.

Priority will be given to guests on a Carnival purchased excursion who will leave the ship first in this port. Just an FYI for now. Basically, St. Petersburg is the best port of call, by a long way. There is no city like it and the Carnival Legend will be your time machine. We will take you back to the days of the tsars and tsarinas and WWII when, under its old name of Leningrad, the city was under siege for two years and over a million people died………..mostly from starvation.

Then the remnants of the days of Lenin, Stalin and the one with the funny oil patch on his head will be up close and personal as the last throws of communism will be there for all to see. This comes as you drive through the suburbs past the old cars and faceless grey buildings where some people still have to queue for a loaf of bread. You see, Russia is often a land of the haves and the have nots, although there seem to be quite a few haves these days. You can see them everywhere stepping out of their big Mercedes and Rolls Royce Phantoms under the watchful eyes of ex-KGB bodyguards with no necks and who have tattoos of a bloody axe on their forehead and who talk mysteriously into their arms. The amount of cash washing around Russia these days is astronomical, inconceivable even. On the all day tours lunch and dinner is included and the restaurants we visited when I was there with Carnival Splendor in St. Petersburg are quite gaudy, with more camp and flash than Richard Simmons’ shorts and designed by top Russian architect Joseph Farcusov.

The ship organized tours of seven or more hours will feature lunch in restaurants oozing with gold ornaments and massive sterling silver cutlery. You will be welcomed with a glass of vodka which you should drink in one shot……..not doing so is considered rude. Then and still before any food is served, you are given a glass of Russian champagne. Your guide will make a toast and again she will explain that Russian tradition states that you must drink this glass again …..….in one long gulp.

So you have had a shot of vodka and a huge glass of champagne all in five minutes. The reason they do this is because the food is crap. Of course, I am joking. The food was surprisingly excellent.

So, what tour should you take? What should you see? Well, the most popular excursion on the Carnival Splendor will also be offered in 2012 on the Carnival Legend. It’s called the Grand Tour and it certainly lives up to its name. I remember that 1,000 people took this excursion each and every time we sailed into the port. This is the best of everything and over the two days you will visit most of the major sites. This still allows time in the evening to take in an evening concert at Catherine Palace with dinner in Pushkin or our most popular tour …… sitting in the national theatre watching the very thin women and men with pieces of fruit shoved down the front of their tights….or to give them their proper name……The St. Petersburg National Ballet Company perform……Swan Lake…it’s truly incomparable.

However you mix your tours you must see the top five which are:

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM – The Hermitage used to be the palace of the tsars and now it contains possibly the greatest collection of paintings, jewelry, statues and rare items from all over the world. Everywhere you turn there are moments of “wow” and “Oh my goodness look at that!” There are even stronger emotions when you enter the Throne Room from where the tsars ruled Russia. There are paintings by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet and in the Gold Room, a collection of precious stone objects that are quite simply indescribable. They say that if you were to stop and look at every artifact in the Hermitage for just three minutes…….it would take you a year to see everything.

And, of course, you must see Catherine’s Palace, the fountains and palace at Peterhof, and the Peter and Paul Fortress. Then at night we have excursions to the folkloric shows, a private dinner and performance at Catherine Palace and, of course, a chance to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet Company………..amazing.

All of the above is what makes St. Petersburg a must on your bucket list. St. Petersburg is a living version of a Tom Clancy novel and I absolutely loved it. The city is as intense as putting Ben-Gay on your thingy and the grayness is everywhere, even the stray dogs that nibble on the left over grey food……. are grey. I was talking with Ken here on Carnival Magic and we both said that St. Petersburg is a place anyone who visits …..will never forget.

OK, let’s jump back into the Delorean and go back in time to 2008 when a much fatter me made this video.

So as you saw yesterday Carnival Destiny is doing a trans-Atlantic crossing that ends in Europe. What happens after that will be announced in the weeks ahead. The trans-Atlantic crossing is exciting news for those who wanted new and varied ports of call, that’s for sure.

In two days time I will be cruise director and providing the swamp fever I have at the moment doesn’t kill me then I will be ready to get out on stage and share with you the stories of life onboard. Stories like this one from today’s incident report.

CABIN………
NAME: Mrs.…….
REF: 171140A809
Guest called the GSD and stated that she was upset because she had been sitting at the same slot machine in the casino for 40 minutes and did not win. She left to go to the bathroom and came back and another guest was playing and won $450. Mrs. _________ says she left her drink at the side of the machine to reserve it and that the win should be hers. Casino manager contacted guest. Nothing further.

I don’t know about you but I do feel sorry for the guest as that was one very expensive pee.
OK, that’s me done for today as I am not feeling well and blogging with a cold is as difficult as translating the words “personal hygiene” into French.

I will be on Facebook over the weekend and then reporting from the CD chair here on the blog on Monday when I will also be reunited with my stateroom steward Ketut who for some weird reason has asked for a transfer to another ship. I wonder why?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Now that system has been replaced with……well, I haven’t a clue actually because I just press on my Microsoft Outlook icon and regardless if I am at home sitting on the toilet or in the lounge watching Peppa Pig with Kye, my emails are there. It’s brilliant. Except it isn’t. It’s crap.

I say that because when I tried to log on today it would not let me…….. because my password had expired. OK, fair enough. All I had to do then would be create a new password. Simple. But it’s not. It’s a simple as asking Stevie Wonder to knit you a sweater. That’s because my laptop told me I had to be logged onto the Carnival network to do this, which considering I am staying at a nondescript and soulless hotel here in Philadelphia (more on that later), was impossible.

I called the CCL technical support desk which is open 24 hours a day which is a good thing because jet leg had me calling them at 5.45am in the morning. These guys are great and I thank Jose who helped me and for his patience with someone who obviously is to computers as what some news programs are to fair and unbiased reporting. But what wasn’t so good was when Jose asked me to create a new password.

You see, for years my password for everything was “bollocks” but, with brilliant cunning, typing the “o” as a zero, I told Jose this and he said that I shouldn’t do this as the password wasn’t strong enough and basically using the word “bollocks” as much as I do on public domains like this and Facebook was easy for others to guess.

I don’t know about you but I hate having to try and remember sodding passwords. PIN numbers, security ID codes and bank account numbers. I’m constantly clicking on to click “Forgotten your password?” but how much information can a fat thick bloke like me be expected to store?

Anyway, upon Jose’s orders, I typed in my new chosen password but received a bollocking telling me that “Ilovekye” is “weak” and I must add numbers and capital letters. I hate this because it means you end up with a password like “nipple@2zitS,” which you instantly forget unless you write it on a big Post It note which you stick on top of the computer which I am guessing rather defeats the objective.

I hear though that salvation is on hand and just like we have facial recognition photo computers on the Dream class ships so facial recognition will soon allow you to open your laptop. And passwords will be like my sex life — a thing of the past. Until then I will have to continue to use my new password which is “MeganF0xBum4me”……..but I guess now I have told you I will have to change it again…..bugger.

Let’s do some Q and A….off we go.

Debbie McGinnis asked:
John,

I have been following your blog for a short time. While the Carnival Liberty was in dry dock I enjoyed your updates! I sailed on the Carnival Liberty 10-29-11 and just returned home! Fun Ship 2.0 is amazing! We loved all the changes, but I have to say that Guy’s Burger bar was my fav! Our CD Butch was great! He kept us so informed and entertained all week! This was my sixth cruise (all with Carnival) and I just got home and started looking for my seventh! Of course, being from Oklahoma, I was welcomed home with a 5.6 earthquake last night! This was also my first visit to Half Moon Cay and I LOVED IT! The beach was beautiful, the food amazing of course, and the entertainment terrific! I just wanted to tell you thanks for your blog. I enjoy every word you post and thank you for not posting pictures of yourself in your underwear while you’re responding to our comments!

John says:
Hello Debbie McGinnis

What a brilliant way to start today’s Q&A. I am so glad you found the blog and that it helped prepare you for your cruise on Carnival Liberty and, of course, I am thrilled that you had such fun. Guy Fieri’s burgers are brilliant and so many people think like you and have commented that the addition of Guy’s Burger Joint was one of the main highlights of the 2.0 upgrades. Thanks so much then for the kind words and I hope it won’t be long until we see you again very soon and if we don’t I will be sad and will probably post that photo.

Best wishes.

John

Ann Thornburgh asked:
Hi John,

Just wanted to let you know my granddaughter and I just got off the Carnival Liberty 11/5/11. What a great cruise. Loved all the 2.0 changes and also tried several of the new menu items…….delicious! Butch and Amy (aka) 6-3 were fantastic. Only real surprise was how rough the seas were…….probably the worst I have ever encountered. My granddaughter and I just laughed while we lurched back and forth. Our cabin steward Rocky and dining room waiter Cesar took very good care of us. Once again, Carnival provided us with a great vacation!

John says:
Hello Ann Thornburgh

Well that’s two in a row about the Carnival Liberty which gets an A I think rather than a D as mentioned above. I am so glad you had fun and that was despite the rough weather which there seemed to be a lot of during the last few weeks of 2011. I loved that you had such a positive attitude though and I hope you and your granddaughter had a brilliant time together and we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Carston asked:
John,

Your internet service on the Carnival Dream sucks. It’s slow and expensive and didn’t work at all one night and the excuse was that there was a satellite fault blah blah blah. Internet should be a priority to Carnival but it is obviously not because IT SUCKS!

John says:
Hello Carston

Let’s start by saying that if you were told that the Internet was not working because of a satellite problem then I promise you that was the reason. All of the major cruise lines obtain their internet service from the same company which is operated and maintained through their service station in New Jersey, although I have no idea what exit. If the satellite system is having problems or the weather in New Jersey is bad then yes we do lose signal I am afraid and my apologies for this happening during your cruise. I agree the shipboard internet is certainly slower compared to what we’re used to on land and hopefully the industry will improve and we’ll get faster service one day. I hope you had a great cruise despite this.

Best wishes.

John

Dale Cynoweth asked:
John, We’re sailing on the Carnival Breeze in July and hope you will be the cruise director as me and my DW love your blogs and would love to see you in person. My question involves the call at Naples. We are considering the all day tour to Pompeii/Sorrento/Capri and although my DW and I are fit enough we are in our early seventies and I am concerned it may be too much for us and would appreciate your opinion, John. Thanks so much.

John says:
Hello Dale Cynoweth

I am very excited that you will be joining me on the Carnival Breeze and I am going to say that I am positive that you will love the ship and will have a great time. The excursion you mentioned is a fantastic one and includes a full tour of the ruins in Pompeii followed by shopping in stunning Sorrento and then lunch which is included in the price. You then take a private boat to the beautiful island of Capri. It is a fantastic tour but will it be too much for you? Well, it will most probably be hot and there is quite a bit of walking in Pompeii and Capri so please give all of this careful consideration. You may want to think about taking Pompeii with Sorrento but not Capri or indeed one of the other combinations. Please let me know if you have any questions and I will indeed see you very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Alan T asked:
Hello John.

I wanted to stop by and tell you about my son. You may or may not remember him but he was seriously injured by an IED in Afghanistan while serving in the Marines. You helped arrange a special wedding proposal on the Carnival Dream and made his cruise so memorable. I wanted to let you know they were married this week in a beautiful ceremony in Buffalo, NY. He is getting used to his prosthetic leg and I am very proud of him. He and Diane send their very best to you and I will always protect you against those few idiots who have nothing but hatred for you and Carnival. Thanks John, you are one in a million.

John says:
Hello Alan T

I do indeed remember your son and the wonderful proposal that thanks to my colleague and fellow CD Butch we were able to provide for him. I am so thrilled that he is doing well and that both he and his new bride are healthy and happy. I truly appreciate your son’s service and I wish him and his wife many happy years together.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Paul Marshall asked:

I am amazed at how many times I read here or on other forums, cruisers holding you responsible for their problems, or wanting you to fix everything for them. My family and I will be sailing the Carnival Liberty on March 31, 2012, which will be our fourth Carnival cruise together….Carnival Spirit to Hawaii, Carnival Destiny, and Carnival Valor to the western Caribbean being the others. We were on one of the first fateful Carnival Destiny “propulsion issue” cruises when we could not make Grand Turk due to being under half a head of steam. There was a near riot at guest services that day, but we didn’t let it ruin our vacation, however, we were disappointed about not going to Grand Turk. We now are hoping to finally get there with the Carnival Liberty, and have also lucked out having booked her far in advance of the 2.0 announcements. Although, I would not consider myself a Carnival “Cheerleader,” I can’t imagine finding a better value for our precious vacation dollars……Thanks for all of your reporting of the dry-dock goings on!

John says:
Hello Paul Marshall

It’s great to hear from you and I am so glad you have kept on cruising and we really appreciate this so much. You will love the 2.0 upgrades and if there is anything I can do for you before you sail please let me know. I know the term Carnival “Cheerleader” comes from another website and that it is used by people in a derogatory way because they feel there is something wrong with standing up and shouting out loud that Carnival continues to provide affordable vacations. There is nothing wrong with cheering for Carnival and we love it when people do. It would be fantastic to sail with you again Paul and I hope that happens one day and if there is anything you need before you cruise before you sail again please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

MissT asked:

First, I want to say I love your blog and FB page. You definitely make things about cruising funny and Carnival should consider you a big asset. I have read a lot about rum runners and how many passengers seem to have managed to smuggle them on. I don’t expect you to approve of this John but please understand I am a care worker and don’t earn a big salary. This will be my first proper vacation and I can’t afford drinks at the prices you charge so I am going to smuggle some booze which is why I haven’t used my real name on this LOL. My question is that if I do get caught smuggling rum runners will I be thrown off the ship? Please let me know. Thanks, John.

John says:
Hello MissT

Thanks for taking the time to write to me and I totally understand that this is your first cruise and that you are on a budget. Obviously we don’t allow you to smuggle alcohol on board and while you won’t be thrown off the ship, the liquor will be confiscated by our security team. That said, wouldn’t advise on smuggling liquor. It seems to me that you are already stressing somewhat about the cruise. I promise you it will be a wonderful and memorable vacation. I hope you have a great time and thanks so much for the very kind words.

Best wishes.

John

Kelvin Butchko asked:

My wife and family (seven of us) will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on January 21, 2012 and I would like you to do something for a very special person who is going to be with us, my daughter Colleen. Colleen will be joining the USAF and this is our last family vacation before she starts her training and I would like you to send her a gift. Important: She does not drink alcohol so a T-shirt or maybe some free photos for her of the family to take with her would be great. Colleen will be in 6294 and I am in 6308.

John says:
Hello Kelvin Butchko
I see you are on the ship as of yesterday and have asked the cruise director to send a copy of this message and my reply to your cabin. You must be very proud of your daughter and please wish her all the best from me would you. I am sure I can find something to send her and I wish you all a brilliant family vacation.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today. Please let me know if there is anything you need and of course the quickest way to contact me for a pretty immediate response is via my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/johnheald. Thanks everyone.

So here I am in Philadelphia and learning all about Hasbro, The Game Show which is our new game show that debuts later this year. The last time I was here was to film a Carnival commercial that involved a huge piñata, two tons of candy and the local baseball team winning the super series bowl championship series and the local fans celebrating in a very….ummmm…. raucous….way. Last time I was here I stayed in the Four Seasons but this time I’m at a different hotel which has beautiful views of the runway, loud crap……….sorry rap music in the elevators and a toilet that is so low to the ground that even Joe Pesci, Napoleon and Snow White’s seven friends would find it difficult to sit on the sodding thing. It’s hip and it’s trendy though and there are three different ways of eating tofu on the menu.

We are here, of course, to learn the ins and outs of the new Hasbro-themed activities which will be introduced on the Carnival Breeze and then be part of the ships that have Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades on them. There will be a full evening dedicated to the show and I have to say that it’s going to be a great night of fun and excitement. The sets are huge and the games really will be crowd pleasers for sure. I will tell you more in the weeks ahead but for now have a look at this photo and you will no doubt see our life-size adaptation of the classic board game Operation. And see which CD’s and ACD’s you recognize.

Now for those who hate listening to me moan about flying please skip down a few lines or go make yourself a cup of coffee would you because I am going to have a bloody good moan again. The flight to get here was long and it was boring and bugger me $2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie called Aliens and Cowboys or something and a movie I might add that has been cut so much as not to offend children, Christians, vegetarians and anyone with a pulse it lasted 30 minutes. The food was……..well I can’t really call it food. Honestly it was awful. It was chicken something and it was cold and tasted of anything but chicken. This then was my birthday meal, yep, yesterday was my birthday and I spent it eating rubbish at 34,000 feet.

The lady next to me was in her fifties and had a face liked a smacked arse. Bugger me she was grumpy. After the plane took off the captain turned off the seat belt sign and I asked Miss Grumpypants if she didn’t mind getting out of her aisle seat so I could get to my carry on as I wanted to get my portable DVD player. She looked at me as though I had suggested we get naked in the toilet and join the mile high club together. She glared and made a “huummppphhh” sound and reluctantly stood up and allowed me out of the seat all the time making “tutting” noises while she waited. I grabbed the DVD player and sat down as quickly as I could ………. she was one scary woman …..why couldn’t I just once….…sit next to a Latvian who was so scared of flying she needed me to hold her thigh during takeoff and landing. It was a really bumpy flight and we really did hit some huge pot holes and I arrived in Philadelphia to see white stuff covering the city and brown stuff covering the inside of my underpants.

I will be telling you more this week about what I am doing here in Philly and about Hasbro, The Game Show that is going to be a monster hit I am sure. I also will in the days ahead be telling you about some exciting news for 2013 and how the piano bars across the fleet will be — even more than usual — the place to be. Plus there will be other news and stories from the world we love and that of course is the brilliant world of cruising.

It goes without saying that I miss Heidi and Kye something awful. Two-and-a-half years ago while on the Carnival Splendor I slipped and fell on top of Heidi and now we have Kye, the most precious thing in my life. Heidi loves her and she is her everything but didn’t enjoy me slipping and landing on top of her. I was at my heaviest back then and Heidi still describes that slip and fall as having a large closet fall on top of her…………..with the key still in the lock.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Anton Mircea asked:

I am a lover of fine wines Mr. Heald and while I think your wine list on the Carnival Dream was acceptable and had some decent choices the knowledge of the servers in both your restaurant and the steak restaurant was pitiful. The boy from India who served me was inept to the tenth degree and his knowledge was less than basic and never once did he try and recommend a wine to go with the food. This may be because most of your “clients” were drinking beer or soda with dinner. I expected more though when my partner Colin and I dined in the steakhouse. We asked his thoughts on the Stag’s Leap Cabernet Sauvignon. I asked the sommelier to describe the wine and he said and, I quote, Mr. Heald, “It’s very good.” Any decent sommelier, anyone who knows anything about wine would have said “It has round supple tannins wrapped around layers of blackberry, espresso and black truffle.” I may sound like a wine snob here Mr. Heald but even if that were true I would think that Carnival Cruise Lines would want to have the ability to showcase its wine selection and not have it served by people from third world countries whose wine knowledge is miniscule. I would also like to mention to you that while we did enjoy the cruise overall the Friends Of Dorothy meetings were held whilst my partner and I were at the late session of anytime dining which shows very bad and inconsiderate scheduling.

John says:
Hello Anton Mircea.

Please allow me to start with the final part of your question about the scheduling of the Friends of Dorothy meeting. I spoke to Gary the cruise director and he explained that the meeting was held every night at 10 pm in the piano bar and indeed had no finishing time. This maybe where the problem comes from as maybe we didn’t explain this properly and you may have thought that by the time dinner was over that so was the Friends of Dorothy function. My apologies for the confusion there.

And so onto the wine. I am glad you thought the wine selection was good and yet I was very surprised to read about your thoughts on the wine sommelier in the steakhouse.  I will admit that the waiters in the main dining room are by no means wine stewards and perhaps it might be beneficial to expand their wine knowledge with some additional training. I was though very surprised about your comment regarding the wine server in the steakhouse as they do have extensive training given to them and have what I thought was excellent knowledge of wine. Anton, you probably don’t know this but I started in the bar department and then moved to wine steward and I can tell you that back then I had no training at all. I know this isn’t normally how I answer questions here on the blog, Anton, but tell you what, pour yourself a glass of Chateau De Bollock 1989 and let me tell you my story.

I had bluffed my way through the first interview as a bar waiter in 1986 with consummate ease. The only difficult moment was when Barbara Wang, the Carnival beard who was interviewing me, asked if I knew what a Sex on the Beach was. I was about to say that since I was an ugly bastard and ignored by the entire female population of my home town and therefore I hadn’t a clue about sex on a beach, outside a fish and chip shop, on the back seat of a car, in fact anywhere when I realised that it was some sort of drink……..so I said “Of course,” smiled and she gave me the job.

If that interview was easy then the one that the Bar Manager Colin Campus gave me to become a wine steward on the M/S Holiday was even easier.

BAR MANAGER: DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT WINE?
JOHN: YES
BAR MANAGER: THAT’S YOU PROMOTED TO WINE STEWARD THEN

I of course knew nothing and I wasn’t even from a “third world country” as you described. Back then I did actually drink the odd glass but most of the wine I did drink came with a screw top and had a picture of a Blue Nun on it or if I was really living the lifestyle of the rich and tanned I would treat myself to something with a cork in it. My life as a wine steward was short lived probably because I didn’t know anything……….and I mean anything…….about wine. The only thing that got me through it was a bit of banter and a few jokes plus the fact that as little as I knew as a few of the Carnival guests during the late eighties knew even less than I did.

Thank goodness the majority of enjoyed the wine and I cannot remember too many occasions if any at all when the guest having tried the wine vomited into the wine bucket and said it was no good……………….and that always had me thinking.

When you’re out for dinner, why does the sommelier invite you to taste the wine? Why doesn’t he do it himself? You are obviously a wine expert Mr. Mircea but I think I would struggle to tell the difference between a Chateau Laffite Rothschild which costs $150 say and a lesser bottle that costs say $30. I still know nothing about viniculture and even if I did drink you could put anything in a glass and if it were chilled enough I’d be happy. I don’t drink at all anymore but when I do buy wine for occasions like Christmas when friends come over I have two very simple rules. I never spend more than $20 on a bottle, and I don’t buy anything with the words La or Chateau on it meaning of course it’s French…….I am sure they make great wine but that little man of a French president is not getting any of my money. You may not know this Anton, but me and the French don’t get along very well. I know they pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes and let’s face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back….anyway, I digress.

When I was a wine steward we had wines from France, some from California and a few from Italy the most popular of which was Lumbrusco. I still remember this for two reasons, it was $9 a bottle and we called it Italian Coca Cola………it was our best seller. Nowadays, our restaurant and steakhouse wine menus are diverse and offer something very special to suit all tastes and budgets. I was going to apologise to you for the way that the wine steward in the steakhouse described the wine you asked about but I don’t think I can. You see if you had asked that question and he had replied, “It’s earthy, plummy and deluxe with a hint of baboon scrotum,” any non-wine expert guest would have expected maybe a more simpler answer like, “It’s an excellent wine, I highly recommend it.” Anyway, I am very glad you had a good cruise and I shall pass on your comments to our new vice president of beverage operations.

Best wishes,

John

Oh by the way. My favorite part of being a wine steward was the hours and the fun we had. We worked maybe five hours a day, we cooked in the wine cellar using little stoves and — please don’t tell anyone about this — but we would accidentally drop a bottle of good red wine every night. The wine would be reported on the “Breakage Sheet” which was sent to the F&B manager …………….we never lied or misled the boss………..we really did drop it……….but only after it was empty……….ssshhhhh.

Let’s do some more Q & A………..here we go.

Barret Roby asked:
John,

I went on my first cruise the last week of October aboard Carnival Fascination. I loved it! My wife and I are already looking at booking on a “bigger” ship next year. While on board, one of our fellow cruisers told me about your blog. I love it! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about our wonderful cabin steward Mark. We were in cabin U108. He was outstanding in every way. Extremely helpful, diligent, and courteous. If you can, I’d like you to pass along to the folks that run the Carnival Fascination, and let them know what a great employee they have in Mark.

Thanks,

Barrett Roby

John says:
Hello Barret Roby

My thanks to those guests who told you about the blog thingy and I am thrilled that you enjoy it so very much. I will make sure that the ship sees your words of praise and of course Mark who sounds like he made a brilliant impression on you. Thanks so much for telling me about him and I hope we will indeed see you on another cruise very soon and I am here to help if you need me to.

Best wishes.

John

Marius asked:
Hi John,

Here is the answer on why you were getting so many negative comments from CC members on your blog. Now I know you were right about the negative comments on your blog not being posted by the regular CC members but by other consumer web sites and message boards trying to fight back and maintain their members. I guess once your blog became popular “Goliath” felt the need to fight back against your blog and FB.

John says:
Hello Marius

I thought long and hard in trying to decide if I should post this or not but after getting a second opinion I decided I would. First of all thanks for writing and I would hope that in this huge and ever expanding cruise industry that there would be more than enough room for people to submit opinion and reviews on all the various cruise web sites and boards. If people are trying to post comments here as you suggested then it’s a good thing that I don’t print them then if as you allege many are fake. Thanks for letting me know and I hope you and your family are well, and I hope we see each other again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Claire Masonfield asked:
Hi John,

We are from the UK and sailed with P&O and Royal Caribbean this year and next year we will have our first Carnival experience when we join you on the Carnival Breeze. I have two questions. Will there be any British television as my husband is a huge news hound and hates not knowing what’s going on in the world. Can you also tell me how formal the formal night is? Will gentlemen be in dinner jackets and ladies in ball gowns? I hope not but don’t want to be under dressed or indeed over dressed. Thank you John for your help.

John says:
Hello Claire Masonfield

It will be a real pleasure to see you Claire on the Carnival Breeze. I say that because you posted your comment on December 10 so I am guessing that you will be with us this year in Europe. Please tell your husband that we have Sky News and BBC World so he will not be out of touch at all. As for elegant night it’s mostly business suits for the men and nice elegant dresses for the ladies but from my many seasons in Europe I have to say that dinner jackets (tuxedos) for the men and ball gowns for the ladies are few and far between. I hope this helps and of course we are very excited to show you the Carnival product and our brand new ship. See you soon.

Best wishes.

John

Lorna Gregson asked:

Poor service on my cruise has me really angry. I booked a shore excursion through Carnival. The only reason I took the cruise was to scuba dive in Cozumel so imagine how angry I was when my tour was cancelled the night before the dive because there were not enough people who signed up on the trip, totally screwing my shore excursion plans. To add further insult to injury, not a single person on the boat, at guest services, or shore excursions was willing to recommend a reputable local dive operator that I could deal directly with in lieu of the Carnival trip being cancelled. I felt they outright lied to me in claiming they had no knowledge of any alternative way to dive. As a result, I had to spend a ton of time (and money using their ridiculously expensive satellite internet) trying to research local dive operators. I will return to all inclusive land vacations I think.

John says:
Hello Lorna Gregson

I am sorry we had to cancel your diving excursion which as you said didn’t have enough people interested to run it. The reason the staff didn’t recommend another dive operator was that we only work with tour operators who have been fully vetted by our company and we don’t really have extensive knowledge on the other operators in port. Imagine if a guest services operator had recommended “El Sinco” dive operators and you had a bad experience or heaven forbid experience a safety issue and we were the ones who recommended the tour? I am sorry it was canceled and I hope that when you think past this you will realise you had a brilliant time and that we will see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrew Dubin asked:
Hi John,

Love the blog. Been reading it for about two years now and never thought I would have reason to write you.  My wife, my son and myself went on the Kiss Kruise, our eighth with Carnival and already have our ninth.  Our next puts us in the VIP realm. On the Kiss Kruise my wife went to the computer area with our son and purchased some time. She was never able to get online.  There was no one available to speak with at that time and she never made it back as it was only a four-day cruise. When I went to guest services the next day to pay my bill in cash I told the man what happened, he called someone and then told me the charge would be taken off the bill. I paid the whole bill less those computer charges. Long story short, the charge was never taken off my bill and was charged to my credit card. I called Carnival twice and told my story but the refund was denied. John, it is not about the $30 it is about someone not recognizing that here is a good customer and we need to do the right thing. I will continue on Carnival but I just wanted to let you know what happened.  By the way I have already started thinking about my next cruise. Customer Service may not have done the right thing but I still have a great time on the cruises.

John says:
Hello Andrew Dubin

I heard the Kiss Kruise was fantastic and I would love to be on the next one with you. I am very sorry to read about your internet problem and I am going to be sending this to a colleague now for their review. Thanks for letting me know and someone will be in touch soon. Thanks for the kind words about the blog and my best wishes to you all.

John

Dianne asked:

I have a quick question regarding the platinum gifts. My friend and I are traveling together next month for our girl’s getaway. She and I are both platinum, but not related. Will we receive one platinum gift to share or will we each get one? After seeing the new gift on Facebook today, I sure hope I get to it before she does if we only get one! (We are sailing the Carnival Imagination, booking number ******) Thanks for all you do, John. You are such a wonderful asset to Carnival!

John says:
Hello Dianne

Many thanks to you both for your loyalty and of course you will both receive Platinum gifts which should in fact be the new beach bag. I hope you enjoy them and please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you. Thanks so very much for the kind words that was so lovely of you.

Best wishes.

John

Drew Manzi asked:
John,

My cruise on the Carnival Magic was awesome. Thank you so much for the ship on a stick and thank you John for helping me with the photo of Captain Cutugno which is on my bedroom wall. I can’t wait to July and we are going on the Carnival Valor and can you help me with my captain’s photo collection please please please.

John says:
Hello Drew Manzi

I am so glad you had fun and of course I will be honoured to help you again with a photo of the captain. Please make sure you remind me here or on Facebook and I hope we meet one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

Andrea Gillett asked:
Hi John,

Will you be the CD on the 2/5/12 sailing of the Carnival Magic? We hope so! We sailed with you on the Carnival Dream in Feb 2010 and had a blast…do you remember “I love you more than corn?”  That was the cruise we were on!!! I won the cruise trophy for the trivia game.  Looking forward to sailing with Carnival again!

John says:
Hello Andrea Gillett

I remember that quote very well and indeed I will be with you on the Carnival Magic and I will do all I can to make this the most brilliant of cruises for you. See you soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Jerry asked:

Hey there John I have been a cruiser on Carnival for over six years. I have seen some really good changes on the ships I have gone on. I have asked you this same question before but have never seen it addressed. I was wondering if you could see if Carnival is going to change their age limits on their Club O2 where after the kids turn 18 to 20 can’t get into the Club O2 anymore because of their age being to old? have talked to some of them at that age and they are lost on what to do since they can’t get into the clubs anymore cause of their ages and can’t drink at all which I understand that part. Would also like to know what did they really do as an upgrade to the Carnival Elation this time because I have friends that just got on there and say nothing has changed at all. They don’t see any upgrades at all. Please address all I have asked you on Facebook and your blog. will be resailing on Carnival Elation in Feb. thanks john

John says:
Hello Jerry

I think we have spoken recently on Facebook, have we not? There are no plans at the moment to change the age range of Club O2 as it’s very popular and successful in its current form. But we do realise that we need to work harder on the 18 – 20-year-old group. Now we tried having meet and greet sessions and scheduled activities for this age group but honestly Jerry, nobody ever came and it seemed that the vast majority were happy to go to the nightclub and other lounges and meet new friends and have fun without our structured assistance. However there is no doubt that there are some of this age who maybe shy and do need a bit of help to get the friendships going. What would help is a specific lounge or area of the ship where 18-20-year olds can simply meet, no events or staff, just a place to sit and chat. This is what we are looking at doing at the moment and I will let you know what’s happening in this regard and please Jerry, if you have any suggestions please let me know.

Best wishes and have fun on the Carnival Elation

John

And that’s all for today

On Facebook yesterday, I posted something that I wanted to put here as well as I am aware that not everyone reads that page. Here it is:

In 2011 was there one Carnival crew member or shoreside employee who you think deserves the title of ” employee of the year?” if so and in 100 words or less please tell the beards and I who deserves this title and why and the winner will be judged by what you say. It may have been an act of fun or kindness or something special so please tell me who, if anyone, should win the title. Voting will close at 6pm EST on Monday the 16th. Please don’t vote for Gerry Cahill or me as we are judging this. Thanks everyone. If there is someone you would like to nominate please let me know here if you haven’t already done so on Facebook and my thanks for doing so. I will announce the winner soon.

I have been asked a lot on Facebook this past week about if or not we will be showing the football games on the ships and of course we will be. And on the ships that have the Seaside Theatre big screens some of the games will be shown there as well as in the sports bars. Now, I enjoy a bit of American football but never having played I do not have the first bloody clue what’s going on. I have no idea why it’s called football when only one man uses his feet and I have no idea how the heck any player understands the enigma of codes that the quarterback shouts out to the rest of the players. Just when I think I understand what’s happened and what’s going to happen next the game stops to allow for seven hours of advertising for Budweiser, Depends and antacid pills which may stop your stomach feeling like you have eaten a bowl of chilies coated in chili sauce with chilies on the top but side effects may include uncontrollable diarrhea, headaches and bed wetting. Anyway, given that I’m not a football fan I don’t understand is why a few of these posters make it sound like a total disaster if there game isn’t shown on their cruise.

Last week I asked the Facebookers if they had to choose between watching the Super Bowl or having dinner in the dining room and seeing a show what they would do. I was I must say gobsmacked at the number of people who said they would watch the football on Lido while munching on a hot dog. Anyway the games will be shown and here is the schedule on all the ships for this coming cruise.

So I am leaving my family one week earlier than I thought because on January 22 I will be flying from London to Philadelphia for a week before then flying on the 28th to Houston ready to join the Carnival Magic. The reason I am going to Philadelphia is to spend a week with some of the Carnival beards and CD’s Butch Begovitch and Ryan Fitzgerald. Joining us there will be the folks from Hasbro who as you know we have joined in a brilliant partnership to bring their game show fun to the ships.

The first ship to get this will be Carnival Breeze so I have to learn it and in case I drop dead from Ebola or if I have been whacked by environmentalists, Butch and I think one other CD to be named has to learn it as well. Now I am not sure why I have to spend a week learning this but apparently it’s not just a question of me going out on stage and telling stupid jokes while the Smith family from Michigan try and win a $1 ship on a stick. Nope, the sets are apparently huge and the prizes amazing and of course I have to understand the technical aspects of the show which means that it’s going to be a disaster as I am to technology what according to Anton is to wine. So it’s going to be fun and I will be of course telling you and showing you all about the game show which regardless of whether my fat arse understands it all going to be absolutely brilliant.

So I am flying on January 22 which is my birthday which when I told Heidi was met with some tears as she had apparently planned something special for me which as I sit here in my underpants she is desperately trying to re-arrange and I feel a total bastard again for buggering off. I will see them in March when they come for the bloggers cruise but after being home for two months it’s time for me to get back to work. Flying on my birthday doesn’t really bother me but what does is the ticket I was sent yesterday. Let me explain. My ticket says I am flying with one airline but I am actually flying with another airline. I asked the lovely lady Maureen who is in charge of our immense crew travel program and she explained it was called “code sharing” and it happens all the time she explained. Well what a load of bollocks. You see I am booked to fly with British Airways, fully expecting when I read the email ticket Maureen sent me that my flaccid arse would be wedged into an economy seat on a British Airways plane. What a plonker I am though. How naive. Because despite Carnival having booked a flight with British Airways, I will in fact be travelling on a flight with American Airlines. Why? Because they were “code sharing.”

Now at this point I can hear various anti-Johns sitting in their mother’s basement shouting at their computer screens telling me to shut up. It’s a plane, sit there and stop moaning you fat bastard. Well, I would do if maybe I was in first class and being pampered with caviar, have a choice of 3,098 movies and to be able to sleep on a luxurious seat that folds all the way down and where a sexy flight attendant called April will tuck me in and massage my feet. But I am not. I am in economy and the one thing that I really, really like about BA is that they have screens at the back of the seats. On American they don’t. They have overhead monitors showing bits of NBC shows and which if you were to watch for eight hours your neck would be locked into position.

I don’t get it. If I’d wanted to fly American Airlines, I’d have asked Carnival to book me on American Airlines. It’s simple isn’t it. Can you imagine if Carnival did this? You book a Carnival cruise only to discover we are code sharing with AIDA and you spend your vacation on a great cruise but surrounded by naked Germans. Code sharing my arse!

So I have one week left before the adventure begins and while I will spend the week away from writing a blog until Monday January 24 I will be on Facebook each and every day posting the news, the Carnival Spirit dry dock news and answering all your questions. Thanks for your continuing friendship and company and I am off to drink a glass of Mad Dog 20/20.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I argued that when Heidi and Kye come and sail, who will look after the dog? That was always an excellent argument because I played on Heidi’s girly heart strings telling her how lonely the dog would be when we put it in a kennel and how it would be fed yak intestines and have nobody to play with. But then my sister went and bought a house with two acres of land and two dogs and a sodding horse to go with it stating that if we bought a dog it could, “Come and stay with them.” And that was me buggered then.

So we are getting a dog, a German shepherd to be precise, and I will enter the mysterious world of dog owners.

I guess there are many reasons why people choose to own a dog. To stop a wife’s endless sodding nagging; for companionship, as an excuse to take the occasional walk. I met a chap recently who says he bought a dog to replace his wife who had sadly passed away. And I’m sorry but I don’t understand this. I understand the companionship part of it to a degree but how can a dog possibly do that? It can’t cook, or iron, although if it is a smart dog I guess you could train it to pick your dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.

Don’t get me wrong, I know getting a dog will be a good thing for Heidi and Kye and certainly with me away so much a big old German shepherd would give a huge sense of security to our home. But I know that Heidi will pour love and affection onto the little cute puppy because that’s what we humans do and sometimes I think that we love animals a lot more than we love people. And the animal we love most of all is the dog. Dogs make us go all fluffy in the head. No really……..think about it.

Take your average disaster movie……….like 2012. In the film thousands of people are killed by a devastating tsunami. But not to worry because we are treated to a close up of the heroine’s dog boarding a rescue ship just in time. Then you have Armageddon in which giant meteorites destroy most of New York. But this is no problem because when the destruction is over, we see that the dog that we thought had been killed is in fact perfectly all right since it was only people that die a horrible death.

Yep, we love dogs and now it’s my turn to love them as well. I am sure owning one will have its good points. It will bark and growl and bite the head off anyone who tries to do my family harm. In the evening it will lay down on its rug looking all sweet and cuddly. And all it demands in return for its sweetness and its work as a bodyguard is a place to do a crap and a bowl full of food.

But supposing we chose a dog that isn’t like that. Supposing we choose a dog that turns out to be violent. She is very violent. Seriously, I worry about this. Last year my mate Danny bought a dog I am not sure what make it was but it was big bugger with teeth. Danny bought it for basically the same reason as I will be buying one, security for his family as he also travels a lot for business. But in the first year, the dog had eaten the young lad who delivers the newspapers, the mailman and had tried to kill his Uncle Harold. No, don’t laugh, it’s true. His 80-year-old Uncle Harold was visiting and sneezed really loudly and Danny’s dog went for him and when I visited it would always have a face that would say, “Who the f**k are you looking at ?

Basically this dog was Joe Pesci.

I mentioned this to Heidi but to no avail, we are getting a dog and a male dog at that which means we will have to go through the whole leg humping thing and the humiliation of walking a male dog in heat as he tries to do doggie rumpy pumpy with an unsuspecting female poodle. And it won’t just be other dogs he will try and mount, nope, it will be the washing machine, the keyhole in the front door, me, Kye’s friends. Yep, it will hump anyone and everyone’s leg ……………..even mine ………..but like all living things that try and have rumpy pumpy with me …………it will do so with its eyes closed.

Heidi has not thought this through. She thinks the worst thing that could happen is that the dog will unravel the toilet roll or that the cheeky thing may during its toilet training drop a dog turd in my Nikes. No dog breeder or rescue dog center ever tells a prospective customer that one day the cute little ball of fluff in which they’re interested will try to have rumpy pumpy with a vacuum cleaner.

This is the reality of dog ownership. Turds and piss everywhere. Mess. Huge expense and the constant desire to hump something. Actually, thinking about it, why does Heidi want a dog? She’s got me……….there’s no real difference.

Time for some Q and A…..here we go

Joanne asked:
Hi John,

Love your blog and comments on Facebook – you’re a credit to Carnival!
My husband and I recently got married (after 16 years together) on
9/11 – we wanted to make the day memorable for good reasons We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor from Miami on February 4, 2012 and I would love to know if there is something special that can be arranged on our cruise. It doesn’t have to be anything big nor costly but I would like to surprise my husband since we will be celebrating our honeymoon on the cruise.
Would you also happen to know who the CD will be on that sailing? Keep writing your honest and hilarious blogs and would love to meet up with you one day if our paths should cross while on board. This will be our third cruise on board Carnival and we look forward to many more.

Thanks again,

Joanne

Johns says:
Hello Joanne,

That is a very special and very memorable day to get married, Jo and I wish you many happy years together. At the time of writing, I don’t have the CD schedule yet. There have been many unexpected changes we have had to make but hopefully this week I can post it here on the blog. I will ask you to post your cabin number a week before you sail on my Facebook page and I will gladly send you a honeymoon gift. Thanks for writing and for your kind words.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nikki Gazis asked:
Hi John,

First let me say thank you.. I enjoy your posts and blogs!!!! I took my first cruise with Carnival in 2008… I am planning on my 16th Carnival cruise in January and am concerned about the loyalty program and how I will be affected… (Selfish huh?? LOL).. Is there any place that I can read about the new policy???

Thanks so so much!!!!

Nikki

John says:
Hello Nikki Gazis,

It’s absolutely not selfish at all, Nikki, because your loyalty means a lot to you and of course to us as well. I am sure you will have read my recent blogs and Facebook posts that have stated that there will be four levels and while I can’t tell you what those levels will be based on just yet, I can tell you that anyone close to the next level based on the current loyalty program will have their status protected. Please don’t worry and if there is anything else you need before you cruise again, please let me know. There will be more information on the loyalty program very soon.

Best wishes.

John

William Marrin asked:
John,

On my recent Freedom cruise I was severely embarrassed by the cabin boy. My wife and I were in cabin 6398 and had as we do in hotels we immediately put the do not disturb sign on the door. We are very particular people and do not want strangers touching our personal possessions. We do not need bed sheet changes and new towels as we protect the environment we live in. Your passengers should know that new towels every day is a disgrace. The planet needs help now and if we do nothing, then the temperature rise could be 7 degrees within a century, at which point the survival of our species will be in the balance. The reason we were embarrassed though was even though the do not disturb sign was on the door, the cabin boy knocked on our door at 5:30pm while we were resting from our day ashore. We did not hear the knock on the door until it was too late and the cabin boy was inside. We asked him to leave immediately and were horrified and complained to the front desk but nothing was done. I have written to the president of Carnival Cruise Lines and was told to bring this to your attention as well. Do not disturb means exactly that, doesn’t it? I am at this time thinking of never cruising Carnival again and telling everyone I can to do the same unless I receive the proper and correct apology.

John says:
Hello William Marrin,

Thank you for your post and I can understand why you are so upset by what happened. However, I would like to explain the company’s position on this and I am sure this is what you will have heard from the guest services officers on the ship. If a do not disturb sign is left on the door for more than one straight 24-hour period, we will knock and enter the cabin. This is only done to make sure that the guests inside the cabin are well and are in no harm. This is something we are obligated to do and comes from what I can only describe as a harsh learning process. Please accept my apologies but I hope you understand that the stat room steward was only following instructions and only had your best interests at heart. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Monty R. Jones asked:
Hello John,

Just booked our cruise on the Carnival Magic for April 29, 2012 and was wondering if you were still going to be the cruise director then. I know that your life will soon be a Carnival Breeze later next year but sure was hoping that you would still be on the Carnival Magic at the end of April. Sure would like to cruise with you someday. This will be our eighth Carnival cruise and we love Carnival.

John says:
Hello Monty R Jones,

Unfortunately, I will already be in the ship yard in April and so I won’t be the CD during your wonderful Carnival Magic cruise. I am sure you will have a fantastic time and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes

John

Marge Fairweather asked:
Dear John,

My girlfriend and I (both Platinum guests) cruised on the Dream January 1-7,2011. Our CD, Butch, was the BEST we have had on all of our 14 past cruises. We want to cruise again on the Dream in February 2012 for one of those Zero birthdays but I am having a very hard time trying to determine if Butch will still be on the Dream then. I have called Miami and continue to look on the schedule and still have not been able to get any information. Can you please let me know where Butch will be during the month of Feb 2012 so that I can book our next cruise?

Please, please…

Thank you,

Really enjoy your blog – it keeps me smiling! We’ll be on Ecstasy on
Nov.12 but we look forward to sailing with Butch again.

Marge Fairweather

John says:
Hello Marge Fairweather,

I love it when guests post their admiration for my colleagues and nobody gets as many words of praise as Butch, he is truly one of a kind. Butch, though, will be on vacation come February and will then return here to the Carnival Magic which will become his ship in March. The Carnival Dream will be in the capable hands of Steve Knicley who is of course a brilliant CD who I know you will really find loads of fun. The full CD schedule will be posted soon. I see you are on board the Carnival Ecstasy so I hope you are having (had) a brilliant time.

Best wishes

John

Zac Porritt asked:

It will be a very special cruise when me and my family walk up the gang plank of the Carnival Splendor on 11/27. My wife works very hard as a nurse and it’s our 10th wedding anniversary. I heard that you do gifts and surprises so would like one delivered to my wife on 11/30 which is our actual anniversary. I didn’t know if you needed our booking number but it’s ****** and if you could decorate our cabin as well that would be a special touch for this wonderful woman. We are looking forward to our cruise and your gifts will make it extra special, I hope.

John says:
Hello Zac Porritt,

Thanks so much for booking your anniversary cruise with us and I know you will have a wonderful time. You can order cabin decorations through our bon voyage department at carnival.com or indeed give them a call and I am sorry that I can’t arrange this for you. I will though, send you an anniversary gift and wish you both the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Vic asked:
Hi John,

With all this talk of change coming to the Past Guest Program, I wondered if there was any talk of a Carnival Corp program where as a Princess and Carnival cruiser my points would count for both?

John says:
Hello Vic,

Unfortunately, there are no plans for this. Carnival, Cunard, Princess, Holland America, P & O, Costa Cruise Lines, Seabourn and AIDA all have very specific programs and it would be very difficult to factor all the cruise lines into one loyalty program. I hope you continue to enjoy your cruises with both Princess and Carnival and thank you for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Hassick asked:
John,

I have followed you on Facebook and now your blog and you seem to enjoy what you do but you must realize that many of the things you write are X rated and that there are children and people who may find your comments offensive that also read your page and your blog.

John says:
Hello Paul Hassick,

You are absolutely correct and I shall certainly try and remember this and apologise if anything I have written may have offended you.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Draper asked:

First of all, I want to say thanks for all of the grins and giggles (and sometimes grrrrs) that I get from reading the blog thingy and the FB page. I have had the pleasure of semi-coordinating a family cruise on the Magic in February 2012. We’re currently up to 20 folks in 9 cabins.

The real fun is that this is the first cruise for 11 of them!! I can’t wait! I’m a Carnival cruiser through and through and the experience I/we had getting this cruise together just confirmed why.

We worked with a fantastic Carnival rep named Phyllis Elkins. She did a great job keeping all of my tidbits of info straight from when I called her to matching it up to my family members that called to finish up their bookings. All the usual great customer service that I’ve come to know I would get when dealing with Carnival. She didn’t stop there, though. There were little things that were just “wow” moments for me that really made dealing with her a joy. Big example…I was trying to set her up with as much information on each family member as possible so they (especially the newbies) didn’t have to do much more than call up, confirm a cabin and give her a credit card number. During this, I realized that I didn’t know my 15-year-old nephew’s birthday. I was too ashamed to ask my brother…I called myself a bad aunt. Phyllis would get it from him when he called her and she wouldn’t let him know that I didn’t know. A few days later, I received an email with the subject line “for the bad aunt.” She had sent me my nephew’s birthday! It might seem like a little thing, but it really impressed me…a lot!

I would love it if there are any beards in Phyllis’ vicinity to give her a heartfelt pat on the back for me when they walk by. She’s an awesome rep…And not a bad spy, either!

John says:
Hello Denise Draper,

Another wonderful comment about one of our shoreside employees and it’s people like Phyllis that can make such a difference. Please know that I have sent this to the vice president beard in charge of our call centers and I know that Phyllis will be thrilled when she sees this. I will be seeing you on the Carnival Magic and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know and get ready for a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Tommy Lyons asked:

I saw on your blog about clearing out the Punchliner between shows so others would have a chance to see a show. When I was on the Dream and the Fun Dude who I believe was the club manager did clear out the club and he did an excellent job interacting with the guest and maintaining order. He is an excellent manager, comedian and gentleman. I think it would help if he introduced himself on the welcome aboard show where he could introduce himself and talk about the club and let everyone know what to expect.

John says:
Hello Tommy Lyons,

Jeff, the Fun Dude, is quite a character isn’t he and he runs his comedy club as well as anyone we have in that position. We are now adopting his clearance policies in all our comedy clubs and it seems to be working. I think it’s a great idea for him to introduce himself before at the welcome aboard show and I will ask my colleagues to make sure all the comedy club managers do this. Great suggestion, Tommy, and I hope you had a brilliant laugh at the Punchliner.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

I have concentrated a lot on the Carnival Liberty and the Carnival Magic in the past few weeks and I was reminded of two big voyages that are upcoming for the Carnival Inspiration and the Carnival Paradise so over the next few weeks I will talk a bit more about them. Let’s remind ourselves of where they are going starting with the Carnival Paradise as she heads to Tampa.

• Mon, Nov, 28 Long Beach 8am-4pm
• Tue, Nov, 29 at sea
• Wed, Nov, 30 Cabo 12pm-7pm
• Thu, Dec, 01 PVR 11am-7pm
• Fri, Dec, 02 at sea 10am-6pm
• Sat, Dec, 03 at sea
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Puntarenas 8am-7pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Panama Canal 6am-5pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Cartagena 9am-4pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Cayman 7am-4pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea

And now the Carnival Inspiration’s journey to California:

• Sat, Dec, 03 Tampa dep @ 4pm
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Cayman 8am-5pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Cartagena 7am-2pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Panama transit 6am-5pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Punta Arenas, C.R. 8am-6pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 12 at sea
• Tue, Dec, 13 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 14 Puerto Vallarta 8am-4pm
• Thu, Dec, 15 Cabo 8am-3pm
• Fri, Dec, 16 at sea

I will fill in the entertainment line ups and special events soon and both ships will have dance instructors, bridge instruction and arts and crafts as well as other special events. I have never done a Panama Canal crossing but from what everyone tells me, they are very special voyages and I wish all of you who are sailing on the Carnival Paradise and the Carnival Inspiration’s repositioning cruises the most wonderful time.

So what an incredible day it was in Galveston. In days gone past we would have invited a few travel agents on a new ship, given them a few drinks and that would have been it. But there we were in Galveston, opening the doors to 4,000 people to come and enjoy a free concert by one of the world’s top bands. The atmosphere was electric and excitement was equally shared by the residents of Galveston, most of whom were wearing, “Galveston Loves Magic” pins and the Carnival executives who under the charge of our Chief Marketing Officer Jim Berra put together an incomparable day and my congratulations to them for doing so.

Obviously, it was a huge thrill for me to introduce Maroon 5 but I have to tell you I was a bit nervous. There I was, five minutes before the concert, listening to the fans screaming and shouting and chanting the band’s name. Their anticipation had reached fever pitch and they were ready to give the band the most incredible welcome and judging by what a few of the ladies at the front were wearing, they were also ready to give the band anything they wanted and one or two looked like they were ready to spread easier than warm butter.

So the 4,000 people were ready to go crazy for Moves Like Jagger. But first, this fat English bloke was going to come out which would drastically change that mood. So my nerves therefore were based on the fact that my job was to go out on stage and put the crowd back in the mood they were already in before I walked out on stage in the first place. But it went well, I think, and along with the wonderful Justin, our dance contest winner, and some silly jokes the audience seemed to appreciate my 10 minutes and I hope they had some fun. We shot lots of video and in case you missed any of the highlights, here are some of them as shot by Peter the Hair, Jay I Like Guys and Eric the Beard.

So what of the band. Well they were not what I expected. What do I mean by that? Well …………… they were …………ummmm……………nice. Really nice, really pleasant and not very ………..well……… rock and roll.

There is a program on Discovery Channel called The Most Dangerous Jobs in the World which shows dangerous careers like tunnel builders, high rise construction, crab fishing, mine clearing, etc. But if you look at years past, being a rock star was surely the most dangerous job in the world.

Let’s see how many we can list from days gone by. OK…………….here we go. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Jim Morrison, Marc Bolan, Eddie Cochran, Brian Epstein, Duane Allman, most of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Keith Moon, Cozy Powell, Alex Harvey, Ricky Nelson, Pete Ham and Tom Evans from Badfinger, Tim Hardin, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin. Bon Scott from AC/DC, half of the Grateful Dead, Chas Chandler, Johnny Kidd, Rory Gallagher, John Belushi, Elvis, Patsy Cline, Brian Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Sid Vicious, even Karen Carpenter.
Suicide, plane or helicopter crashes. Car accidents, drowning in their own vomit, or in their own swimming pools. Picking up a guitar back then it seems was as lethal as picking up a rattlesnake.

Look how many of those stars died so young back then. Coming home from school and saying you were going to fight in a war would have prompted a sigh of relief from your parents, “Well thank God you’re not going to be in a band.”

Now, though, things are different. With the notable and noble exception of Kurt Cobain, who killed himself with a shotgun, and the sad demise of the brilliant Amy Winehouse and of course Michael Jackson who I don’t think we will ever truly understand, today’s rock stars seem to be in good health.

Last time I looked, Justin Beaver hadn’t smoked a palm tree and driven his skateboard into his swimming pool and drowned.

Perhaps this is the problem with music today. Back when I was a teenager, I would rush to see a band like Black Sabbath, The Who and Iron Maiden partly because I loved their music and because I had a feeling that they would all be dead by the following week.

You certainly don’t get any of that from Adam Levine. I watched him perform and while the bloke has a brilliant voice and the girls all want to see his gentlemen’s sausage there was no sense that he might be found the next morning in a Galveston hotel room full of naked women with vodka bottles all around.

I have to admit, though, that I really liked their music, I mean I really did and that surprised me because I don’t like most modern music. There was talk of us bringing in the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the Galveston event, who, so far as I’m concerned, could not make a worse sound if they spent an hour shoving cattle prods up their bottoms.

So here we are, the Carnival Magic has started her cruises from Galveston and I have to say something really important. The steakhouse is sold out every night with a waiting list of 80 names and the Cucina del Capitano will have served 600 by the end of the cruise. RedFrog had a quiet first night but is now the center of attention with the so very talented Ron Pass packing the piano bar. The atmosphere is fantastic.

As you may have read on my Facebook page, the ship had to cancel the port of Costa Maya and head instead to Progreso. This allows us to continue and complete the maintenance and repair of the starboard aft thruster and having the ship overnight in Progreso allows us to do this. Now obviously a change like this can cause some concern and some complaints. But do you know how many formal complaints we have had…………seven. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that there are others who haven’t voiced a formal complaint but it’s still pretty amazing that just seven comments stating that they didn’t like the itinerary change. The current group of guests on the Carnival Magic seem like a relaxed easy going bunch which is what I’ve found in general about our Texas-based ships. They’re just here to have a good time no matter what. Guests here love the ship, they really love the ship and 99% of the guests have accepted the change and are continuing to laugh, have fun and enjoy their vacation and that’s simply brilliant.

But it’s not just those on the ship. You see I stayed in a hotel for two days and listened to people talking in the restaurants and around the streets of Galveston. They were all speaking with huge pride that the Carnival Magic was there and indeed that they felt that the Carnival Magic was theirs. Texans are fun, Texans are spirited, Texans want everything bigger and that’s why Galveston is therefore the perfect home for the Carnival Magic. Fun for y’all…………….y’all for fun.

My only disappointment so far is that I haven’t seen one cowboy hat, not a single one. How can this be? It’s the inaugural cruise from Texas and we didn’t have any cowboy hats. I met loads of blog readers, many from Texas but none were cowboys. Where were the rough, tough, cowboys who sleep under the stars and fart around the camp fire?

I wanted a tobacco chewing, snakeskin boot wearing, howdy partner saying dude who grew up on a diet of country music and who could teach me how to rope cattle and ride bucking horses. I wanted to meet a real cowboy, but there were none.

But then suddenly, last night I met one. He was in the RedFrog Pub and he had a cowboy hat on. He wasn’t though quite what I had expected. His jeans were four inches too short, his stomach seven inches too fat and along with his cowboy hat, he wore a t-shirt with a picture of a Harley Davidson that said, and I quote: “If you haven’t seen God… it’s because you’re not going fast enough.”

See y’all after supper.

Your friend,

John

I personally don’t see the point of Halloween. I can see the kids thing about demanding candy with menaces from little old ladies but the whole thing about celebrating being scared……..I just don’t get it. Then again, when it comes to being scared and watching movies like Texas Chain Saw Axe Zombie Killer Mutant Prom Night Killer from Hell ….I just can’t watch them. I mentioned we are having horror nights incorporated on our big screen schedule and started with Paranormal Activity last cruise and have the Saw movie for this week. I hate those and just don’t get the pleasure thing about being scared. Then again, this probably comes from the time Heidi and I tried something in London called Cellar of Horrors Live. You pay an absurd amount of money to go into a dingy basement entrance and you do so with certain “It’s not real” swagger.

A kindly staff member pointed out that we shouldn’t go any further if we have a heart condition. Being macho, I said, “Bollocks,” and off we went. We stepped inside, past a waxwork of a Victorian police officer on the beat. Except it’s not a waxwork, it’s a drama student, who explodes in my face with a piercing yell, forcing me into an out of skin leap that Scooby sodding Doo and Shaggy would struggle to match.

For the next twenty minutes this is a short, sharp shock. You wander through dark, echoing corridors, being chased by all manner of horrors, from a huge bald man with an axe to Jack the Ripper, who emerged from the shadows to rattle chains, groan, dribble and spurt blood at us from various gaping wounds. The actors were truly impressive, and by the time we stumbled out of there Heidi had a huge lump in her throat ………and I had one in the back of my underpants.

Time for today’s questions ………lets crack on.

Annmarie Blomfield asked:

I tried to book a cruise on the new Carnival Breeze ship on carnival.com but it wanted a US state and phone number on the booking form and I live in the UK, is there any way to overcome this and book via the website?

Thanks,

Annmarie

John says:
Hello Annmarie,

Yes, I know it can be frustrating. I am therefore happy to tell you that the UK now has its own dedicated booking website that mirrors carnival.com. The address is www.carnivalcruise.co.uk. Please have a look at this and let me know if you have any questions. And you can expect a lot more great news for Carnival’s many UK fans very soon.

Best wishes

John

Rick L. asked:
Hello John,

I just joined your blog last week and I really enjoy reading it. My wife and I sailed on the Carnival Elation in 2007. Since then, we have gone on two RCCL cruises and we decided to book the Carnival Breeze, January 5, 2013 for my 50th birthday! Both RCCL cruises were good, especially Oasis of Seas; however, we kept talking about how much fun we had on the Carnival Elation. Most of our conversation centered round our CD, Mr. Stuart Dunn. He was by far the most entertaining CD we have encountered, especially on roller skates! We found out that he is in Australia now, and we were hoping he’d come back for our Breeze trip, but we know that is probably unlikely. We just hope whoever is CD for our trip will be just as entertaining as Stuart! Just wanted to say we are excited about coming back to Carnival because of our past experience!

John says:
Hello Rick L,

I am sure you had two nice cruises on the Oasis and enjoyed all the amenities they have on board but it is so wonderful that you are coming back to Carnival. Stuart is a brilliant CD isn’t he and that’s why we have chosen him to be the CD when the Carnival Spirit heads to Australia next year. I am not sure who the CD will be but there is a good chance it maybe some fat old English bloke called John Heald. I hope we see each other on a ship that I hope will keep you loyal to carnival for years to come. Please let me know if you have any other questions and welcome to the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Josh asked:

I have a question which I called Carnival about but the lazy and uniformed people there wouldn’t help me with. Will Carnival provide its many Jewish guests with anything for Hanukah and my parents want to know if they can bring a Rokeach Yahrzeit light candle on the boat? This is very important!!

John says:
Hello Josh,

Carnival will indeed provide our guests of the Jewish faith with menorah lighting ceremonies held in the lobby of our ships. This will be advertised in the Fun Times for you. I am not sure what a Rokeach Yahrzeit light candle is but if it is a candle that uses a real flame you cannot bring that on the ship. If it is an electric light candle then that should be OK. The people that work in the Miami office work very hard and I am glad to be here to help answer the questions they cannot. Have a wonderful cruise Josh.

Best wishes.

John

Lesley Bettridge asked:

For my birthday last year I went on the Carnival Fascination and Carnival didn’t send me anything for my birthday which is Nov 10 on Carnival Destiny. Me and my friend are in cabin R88. Will Carnival send me something this time?

John says:
Hello Lesley Bettridge,

Yes indeed they will, well I will and I wish you a wonderful birthday cruise and a very happy birthday to you.

Best wishes.

John

Colvin B asked:
John,

My husband and I just returned from our cruise on the Carnival Pride and had a really good time. I do want to comment on the new menu that overall was very good. I tried the alligator bites and even the frog’s legs and they were ok but the best new thing on the menu was the bacon mac and cheese which was really, really good and our waiter Jo Jo said was very popular. The one thing we tried that really wasn’t good was the meatloaf. John has anyone tasted this, have you tasted it? It really is awful John. That said we had the most wonderful cruise and the penthouse cabin we splurged on was out of this world.

John says:
Hello Colvin B,

Thanks so much for writing. You know, I was on the Carnival Liberty last week and I should have tried the meatloaf but I forgot. I say that because I had seen the comment about this on my Facebook page a few weeks ago but forgot. I will make sure I send these comments to the chef and let Sanjay see that you didn’t like it. I do know that the bacon mac and cheese is immensely popular, probably the most popular out of our new comfort food offerings. I ate from the new menu last week and I think my favourite dish was the jerk pork…….the new sauce they are using for that is fantastic although the prime rib was as always superb. I am so glad you had a wonderful cruise and rest assured that I will pass your comments on.

Best wishes.

John

Sandstone Cruisers asked:

As Platinum passengers with a total of 24 cruises between us my wife and I feel that Carnival needs to do more for its Platinum people. Case in point. We have to pay the same price on the internet as non Platinum people and we have no reserved places to sit at the shows either. These are all things that other lines do and that’s why we are considering NCL next as Carnival should treat us better than the rest. Just saying that’s all.

John says:
Hello Sandstone Cruisers,

Well I sincerely hope that you won’t leave us for another line. With 24 Carnival cruises to your names it shows that we must have been doing something right over the years and I hope you will take this into consideration. There is a new loyalty program and later this week I will be meeting with the man who will be putting it together ready to start early next year. I hope you will wait and see what happens before you book with another line. We value all our guests and we certainly value your tremendous loyalty so please keep reading the blog for the latest news.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Claire Heskie asked:
Hi John,

We will be sailing on the Carnival Inspiration on 10/31. We were on the Carnival Sensation a few months ago and loved the comedy club which was the bomb. Please tell me who the comedians are. There was one dark skinned man called Happy I think who was the funniest man I have ever seen and wondered if he would be there.

Thanks John.

John says:
Hello Clair Heskie,

The comedian you are referring to is Happy Cole who is you are right one of the funniest comedians there is and I am so glad you enjoyed him. Timing is everything and I see that you are already on the cruise and won’t see this but wanted to reply anyway just in case. Your comedians are Dean Gaines and Just Jack who will keep you laughing. I am sorry I am late in my reply and I hope you are having (had) a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Philip Medeiros asked:
Hi John,

I’ve been reading your blog for a month or two and find it rather informative. There are some things at Carnival that seem to be deep dark secrets or exclusively reserved for the privileged few. The very recent survey regarding Platinum, etc has made me so aware of how insignificant one can be. We’re not Platinum and perhaps never will be considering possible changes Carnival is considering. I didn’t get a survey and have yet to find what is mentioned in it. We have done seven cruises (47 days) through and including our “Owner’s Suite” cruise to hell which was on the Carnival Sensation in May 2011. We have six more cruises booked (another 58 days) actually nine bookings including those I have for family members. I am also a holder of CCL stock but I’m not important enough to Carnival (hereinafter known as Bastard Cruise Line) to be made aware what changes might be made let alone how those changes might change our reaching Platinum status next April on the Carnival Dream.

The beards as you call them (hereinafter referred to as Apple Jacks) just don’t seem to get it. They are incapable of putting together two words followed by a question mark, “What if?” and then asking themselves the question at hand. That should be followed by “Then what?” They seem however to be too busy playing with all their “Apple Toys.” The derivation of Apple Jacks is simply their appetite for all things Apple and either being Jackasses or not knowing “Jack” about their own policies. I think calling them beards suggests they have some age and wisdom about them. From my personal experience with some of them, they are severely lacking in that department. You try to point out problems that arise when what ship’s crew believes policy to be, and what Carnival themselves have put in black and white for the guest about policy, differ. I got utter and repeated denial until they simply took a moment to verify what I told them. “Oh, well we will certainly correct that.” That was in May and here it is September and nothing has changed. And there was no apology for the treatment I was given by ship’s GSD and security. Bastard Cruise Line should adopt a new slogan that “The Guest Is Never Right, Even If We are Wrong.” I don’t expect you or anyone else to respond to this, as my questions to you in the past have gone unanswered. Having said that, you did forward my request for a Chef’s Table reservation, and I thank you for that. We will certainly go on our next cruise Nov 28 on the Carnival Paradise for our 42nd anniversary. Beyond that, my inclination is to cancel the rest of my bookings and sell my CCL stock, at a 20% loss. No wonder why. After all, to BCL I am too insignificant to matter.

John says:
Hello Philip Medeiros,

I have read your very passionate comments three times hoping that I can find some specifics to why you are so unhappy. It is hard therefore for me to comment on what happened without having these details but I promise that we do care, I care and so does Carnival. I am going to send this to a colleague at a very high level so I can see what happened and what we can do to turn this situation around and for you to remain a Carnival customer. Thanks so much for writing to me here on the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Radeep asked:
John,

Does Carnival rent iPads or lap tops on the Carnival Magic. I will be sailing over the Christmas cruise and it will be one thing less to pack.

John says:
Hello Radeep,

Yes indeed we do rent laptops (or the smaller note books I think they are called) from the internet station on Promenade Deck 5. I wish you a wonderful cruise and if you have any questions please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Nicki Palmesco asked:
John,

While on our Carnival Legend cruise there was an announcement that was made that said a helicopter would be rescuing a passenger who was very sick. It was an awesome sight to see the helicopter over the ship but after that no more information was given. Why didn’t the cruise director or captain tell us what was wrong with the guest and what happened to him after and if he survived or not. I found this to be very strange as did the 100 plus passengers I spoke to about it.

John says:
Hello Nicki Palmesco,

I must start this answer by saluting the brave men and women of the United States Coast Guard who save so many lives each and every week and yet for the most part remain very much unsung heroes. That being said I should point out that we never give out the medical information of our guests and I am sure that if you were the one being rescued you would, I hope feel the same. All we can do in these situations is hope that the guest makes a full recovery and think of the family he or she was cruising with. I hope you had a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

And on that note……..I feel I should tell you that I have hemorrhoids by the way Nicki Palmesco ……….we will end today’s Q and A.

I have mentioned on my Facebook page that our senior photographer Mr. Radu has returned to the Carnival Magic and I thought that it would be nice to find out a little more about this amazingly talented man. Here he is in his own words.

My journey with Carnival began in a Finnish shipyard in October 1998, it was a great place to start and a beautiful ship, Carnival Paradise, the first non smoking ship. I came for the opportunity to see places and photograph these places and after 13 years I still have the same feelings, and I want to see more. Money was not the reason to be on ships. As you remember the crossing of the Atlantic was very bumpy, big swells and strong wind from Hurricane Mitch I think was the name, almost made me change my mind to get off the ship in Halifax. It was the worst ocean I ever seen, but once I got in New York, I forgot all the worst and all the best happened to me.

I have been on Carnival Sensation after that, Carnival Destiny, Carnival Paradise, and in 2001 my dream came true, when I was chosen to be part of the Carnival Spirit photo team for Alaska season and Hawaii. I did love it so much that I did spend three years on the Spirit, and I did visit Alaska three more times after that. Since 2005 I have been on all Carnival ships as fleet wide senior photographer for our stock and generic images, this is something that only my photos can tell how blessed I have been to see all these places where Carnival goes. I met great people, made friends, and I had the opportunity to photograph a couple of stars, like Shaquille O’Neal, Mira Sorvino, Katie Couric and others that are our ship godmothers, or the president of Honduras or Panama. My best experience was to fly over the Panama Canal, above flowing lava in Hawaii, and above Mt. McKinley in Alaska.

I still dream of photographing the Himalayas, the wildlife of South Africa and not at last the Antarctica; I think this is my best wish.

Since 1993 I am taken photos with Nikon cameras, since 2003 I did change on digital camera also Nikon, now I have Nikon D3 and NikonD2x, I have wide lenses from 12 mm to 35 mm, all Nikon lenses 80-200mm, tilt shift lens 85 mm and the most lens I love is the big big lens Nikon VR 600 mm, the one I did photograph Stromboli or the crocodiles from Tarcoles River in Costa Rica. It is so big and heavy that I can stand during a hurricane.

John asked me to pick my favourite 10 photos. It is very hard to pick 10 images, I have so many but here are my top 10. Thank you everyone for liking my photos:

Carnival Destiny at Half Moon Cay

 

Portland Maine Lighthouse

 

Carnival Victory in St. Lucia

 

Fundatica, Alaska

 

 

Alaska College Fiord

Alaska Aurora

Patagonia Torres del paines

Hawaiian lava flow

Hawaii Kauai Kalalai valley

Radu in Alaska

Amazing shots and Radu is hosting a photo workshop on the Carnival Magic’s Atlantic crossing and I am sure that this will be something the guests will truly appreciate and enjoy. I am also working with him to make a calendar for 2012 as well. Thanks Radu for all you do for all of us mate.

So tomorrow I have a meeting with a chap called Rob. He is the vice president beard in charge of refreshing our loyalty program and tomorrow I will find out some of the things that will be happening and as soon as I can, reporting those changes back to you. I have a whole list of questions to ask him and while I don’t expect he will be able to answer them all I hope that he will be able to put some minds at ease, encourage people to become loyal customers and have our already loyal customers really excited. I will of course let you know.

A month or so ago I asked on Facebook what questions I should ask Rob and many were the same. What length the loyalty program would be based on, number of days cruised or as it is now number of cruises? Some who are close to Platinum and indeed Milestone are hoping the goal posts are not changed and most of the questions were as I said based around those.

However, doing some revision yesterday I saw one that wanted the Milestone card to be …….well more obvious and even suggests we make it from Titanium. Certainly the crew need to see that the guest presenting the card is a VIP because that is exactly what they are.
I guess this mirrors my thoughts on credit cards because I don’t want the loyalty program to have the same sinister underbelly that is rarely talked about with credit cards. I’m talking about not having the right one.

Last night I went for dinner with a group of beards from the office. It wasn’t something I really wanted to do because I knew that all we would talk about was work. And we did. Now the beards I went with are all vice president and above so all earn more than me. OK fair one but I still feel like I needed to offer to pay, that’s just how I was brought up. So dinner was over, the check arrived and everyone started chucking their plastic onto the leather thingy the check was in. It was a sea of platinum. I felt like a total failure as my Barclays Bank green checking account card landed on a shiny Platinum Amex. Compared to them I felt like I had the social standing of a constipated yak.

I know some credit cards have certain privileges but also I think some are designed solely to impress. But I totally understand that some. Not all Milestone and Platinum guests want to show the rest of the ship just how much they love Carnival. Anyway, let’s see what the beards have in store as I know there are new designs for the blue, gold, platinum and milestone cards and I will put forward your ideas as always and as soon as I am able I will show you the new designs for all our loyalty cards..

A friend of mine sent me a photo yesterday that I have to share with you. It’s of me and one of Carnival’s longest standing entertainers, Mr. Eddie Capone. This was taken many years ago on the Carnival Fascination in 1994 I think. Back then we went to ports like Caracas, Venezuela and where this was taken in Guadalupe. Actually, I didn’t call it Guadalupe as since it is a French island I always said Rudealupe as you know my distaste for anything French.

One of the ports we also went to was French but it was a stunning port with gorgeous scenery, stunning beaches and as I remember some fantastic shopping. That island was Martinique and I hope one day Carnival sends a ship back there as I remember just how much the guests loved the place. Yes it was French and there was still that “attitude” but past that it is one of the most beautiful islands in the Caribbean and one day I hope you get to visit. Have any of you been there? It’s one of the islands that made a huge impression on my early days at Carnival.

Anyway, here is that photo of me and the incomparable Eddie Capone.

Sorry about the hat. Yep, I have become one fat bugger for sure. Eddie is still working our ships and is still making our guests laugh out loud. Have a look at the Godfather of Comedy’s website at www.eddiecapone.com.

I am feeling a bit guilty you know with the Carnival Magic about to start her six days at sea. James the cruise director is doing a wonderful job and reports on Facebook from the guests on board are all positive. Anyway, let’s see what’s happening as we turn things over to Calvyn for his daily report and we start with yesterday when the Carnival Magic was in Malaga.

Hello John

Well Halloween is here and what a day it is to be in Malaga. Sunny skies with a nice breeze with big white fluffy clouds. I did not get off to experience the city; however 1,600 guests booked tours which is great news!

As James and Kevin were decorating the Spotlight lounge and other areas I was signing out Mahjong game sets. I never knew that Mahjong was so popular; and the people who play are very intense and vulture-like to get their hands on a game set. Of course the sets weigh about ten pounds each and are very awkward to carry, so carrying three at a time was quite a challenge and I had to make two trips. Poor me, poor me, pour me another.

At any rate, I am going dressed as Amy Winehouse (RIP) for Halloween. Do you remember last year’s Halloween when we went dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz.? I was the Lion and you were Dorothy………ahhhh such happy days.

Looking forward to seeing you soon and spending hours in your cabin pressing wild flowers together.

Cal

You know Calvyn, sometimes there isn’t enough vomit in the world.

Here’s what the guests did yesterday.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2011

MORNING
7:00am Sunrise Stretch – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
7:30am Fab Abs – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:00am Carnival Magic Arrives in Malaga
8:45am Daily Puzzle Pick-Up – Plaza Café, 5 Mid
9:00am SkyCourse Open – Deck 14, Mid

• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

11:00am Putt-Putt Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid

AFTERNOON
1:00pm General Knowledge Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
2:00pm Guess That Song: Beatles Covers – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
3:00pm Uno Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Soccer Dribbling Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid
• Get Your Bridge On (Instructor Led) – Conference, 4 Mid

3:30pm Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
4:00pm Pumpkin Carving Demo & Contest…Beach Pool, 10 MId

• Outrageous Law Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Total Body Conditioning – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd
• Friends of Bill W. / Jimmy K – Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

4:30pm All Guests Must Be Back on Board

• Bookworm Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

EVENING
5:00pm Carnival Magic Sets Sail for Las Palmas

• Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

6:30pm Scary Movie Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
7:00pm Showtime (Late Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Guess the Price of the Painting – Promenade, 5 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

7:30pm Halloween Meet & Greet – Ocean Plaza,5 Mid
7:45pm Thriller Dance Class – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
8:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino,5 Mid
8:15pm Halloween Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Guess the Price of the Painting – Promenade, 5 Mid

8:30pm Scary Movie Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
8:45pm Dance Hits & Mixes – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
9:00pm Showtime (Early Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Halloween Ball – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Mid
• Piano Bar Party – Play It Again, 5 Aft

9:30pm Twilight Golf – Turf on Surf, 5 Mid
10:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

• Casino Witching Hour – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Frightful Hour – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
• Friends of Dorothy GLBT Meet – Play It Again, 5 Aft

10:15pm Halloween Costume Contest – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
12:00am (Movie) Young Frankenstein – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwdotlight

Here’s another update from Calvyn:

Hello John

Last night was Halloween and what a night it was! James was a toy soldier with perfectly round glitter dots on each cheek and knowing James you just know he spent a solid two hours getting the dots perfectly round. Lanie was dressed as a mummy, Leonnie as Marilyn Monroe, Christian as Harry Potter, Ryan a zombie, The best and yet slightly insulting costume came when Kevin revealed his costume which was an exaggerated version of me right down to my red watch. Now Mrs. Huxtable from the Cosby show once told Rudy that imitation is the best form of flattery, but did he have to wear the fat suit?

The winner of the Carnival Magic’s inaugural Costume Party was a woman named Ellen. I am not sure of Ellen’s age nor did I dare ask; however I am going to say that Ellen is around 60 years old and she came dressed as a Hooters girl with her boobies hanging down to her waist. It was quite hysterical and a real solid win for Ellen.

Now I have to say that I had a personal favorite and ironically it was quite low key. It was a guest that was dressed as Flo from the progressive insurance ads.

Now let’s talk about today. The skies are blue with spotted bits of white fluffy clouds. The ocean is as smooth as ice and the activities are busting from the seams of the Fun Times.

The spirits are very high and the crowd highly energetic.

John, I had a dream about you last night. It involved me and you in Paris and we were in each other’s arms dancing the night away to Barbara Streisand tunes.

Love,

Cal

Paris, Streisand, dancing with Calvyn………some would call that a nightmare. ………..I know I bloody well would.

Here is what the guests are doing today

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2011

MORNING

7:00am Sunrise Stretch – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
7:30am Legs, Bums and Tums – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:00am Yoga + – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:30am James’ Walking Club – SportSquare, 12 Mid
8:45am Daily Puzzles – Plaza Café, 5 Mid
9:00am Acronym Puzzles – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Bridge for Beginners Series – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
• Putt-Putt Challenge – Turf on Surf, 12 Mid
• Indoor Cycling – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

9:15am James’ Morning Show – Channel 16 & Seaside Theatre
9:30am General Knowledge Trivia – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft
10:00am Super Trivia (Round 2) – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

• Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
• AquaFun – Beach Pool, 10 Mid
• Intermediate Bridge Lessons – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
• Arts & Crafts – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Introduction to Chinese Medicine – Ocean Plaza, 5 MId

10:30am Live Hair & Make-Up Show – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
11:00am Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Mahjong Players Meet – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Dodgeball – SkyCourt, 12 Aft
• How to Increase Your Metabolism – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

AFTERNOON

12:00pm Food & Wine Pairing  – Prime Steakhouse, 5 Aft
12:30pm Scrapbookers Meet – Conference Center, 4 Mid

• Uno Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

1:00pm Ice Carving Demonstration – Beach Pool, 10 Mid

• Slots ‘O Prizes – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• GoSmile Tooth Whitening Workshop – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Catholic Mass Service – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Bridge Play (Duplicate & Social) – Northern Lights, 3 Fwd

1:15pm Beary Cuddly  – Camp Carnival, 11 Mid
2:00pm A Magical World Cruise – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Guess That Song: TV Themes – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
• Soccer Tournament – SkyCourt, 12 Aft
• Arts & Crafts – Conference Center, 4 Mid
• Look 10 Years Younger Today – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd
• Friends of Bill W. & Jimmy K – Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

2:30pm 5 Game Bingo  – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
3:00pm Bean Bag Challenge – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd

• Connect 4 Challenge – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
• Tea Time – Southern Lights, 4 Aft

3:30pm Dance Class – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
4:00pm Broadway Trivia – Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Movie Matinee: Casino Royale – Seaside Theatre, 10 Mid
• Pilates  – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

4:30pm On Your Marks, Get Set, Draw!….Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

• Fab Abs – Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

EVENING

5:00pm Catholic Mass Service – Conference Center, 4 Mid
6:00pm Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
7:00pm Karaoke Party – Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

• Modern Masters Exhibition…Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid
• Library Time – Books & Games, 4 Fwd

7:30pm The MBA of Art Seminar – Conference Center, 4 Mid
7:45pm Cha-Cha-Cha, Cheek to Cheek – Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd

• Olympics Trivia – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft

8:00pm Say What You See Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

8:30pm Showtime (Early Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
8:45pm Dance Hits & Mixes – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
9:00pm Modern Masters Exhibition – Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid
10:00pm Say What You See Trivia – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

• Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet – Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
• Motown Hour – Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
• Friends of Dorothy GLBT Meet – Ocean Plaza (Port), 5 Mid

10:30pm Showtime (Late Seating) – Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

By the way, I remember the Mahjong battle on the Carnival Liberty and a fierce Asian lady who to this day is the only guest ever to actually hit me. She slapped me around the head because we didnt have Mahjong on the ship and oh yes, she hit Ken Byrne the maître d as well.

By the way, talking of the one and only Ken Byrne the senior maitre d, I was thinking of him today when I opened my e mail and found my usual offer of Viagra. The reason I was thinking of Ken was that he lives five minutes away from the town that makes the world’s supply of Viagra, a town called Ringaskiddy. I am sure you read the story in the press yesterday about Paddy O Leary who was the manager of the Viagra factory for 20 years and who dies yesterday aged 88. In fact Paramount is making a movie about his life working in the Viagra factory for all those years. It’s called………..Die Hard.

I want to finish today on the subject of tipping. My Facebook page is awash with posts telling us that they had seen that we had raised the gratuities from $10 per day to $11.50. This was the first raise since 2001 and comes into effect on December 1. I wanted to point out that those with pre-paid gratuities will not have their rates changed. This was posted first on Carnival’s travel agent booking site and led to quite a few comments. I quickly want to address this one I received below as it was one of three such comments.

David Amiel asked:

Why is Carnival trying to sneak these new gratuity increases by their customers? There has been no mention of this on your blog or on Carnival’s web page. This is a sneaky move that is so typical of Carnival.

John says:

Well, if I may address that quickly, David, as I did get two other comments that were similar. We were not trying to sneak anything by anyone, to suggest so is just plain silly. It has been posted on our travel agent web site, given to our call centers, updated on carnival.com, and here I am writing about it today.

So, what do you think about this increase? Well it has been about 10 years since our last increase and I could sit here and talk about how other cruise lines have done this previously but I don’t think this is important. What is important is that I hope you all think that our crew deserves this. Obviously, you can always adjust the rate up or down if you’d like. Gratuities have to be earned and should not be expected by any of our service crew but I hope that if they provide you with professional service mixed with a huge dollop of fun that you will continue to reward them as you always have done.

Brilliant burgers, red amphibians, blue lizards, twisting water slides and fat cruise directors telling stupid Viagra jokes are all well and good but it’s the Carnival crew that continue to be the heartbeat of our ships and I thank you all for the rewards that you have given and I hope will continue to give them.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I am not sure if it was William Shatner’s choice that all the women crew members wore very short skirt, no political correctness in space, of course. Oh, and while I think about it, those bloody doors were too noisy. Old Scotty, the chief engineer, could fix a broken warp coil and build a phaser out of a toilet role but he wasn’t smart enough to slap some WD40 on those “whoosh” doors.

Kirk was replaced with Jean Luc Picard who was more cautious and compared to Kirk he was utterly boring. Both fought the Borg. Picard celebrated with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea while Kirk would have had rumpy pumpy with half the bridge crew before the kettle boiled. Picard always wanted to talk his way out of a difficult situation, he would talk to the Romulans and find a common ground. Kirk meanwhile would just rip their bollocks off and use them as paper weights.

Anyway, once Kirk had finished having rumpy pumpy with a green skinned lizard woman I started flicking around the channels and came across something called Pan Am and I have to say that I enjoyed it. It wasn’t the plot or the acting that I enjoyed but it was the step back in time to show me what flying used to be like. As you may know I hate flying in the same way I hate having genital warts. That’s because unless you’re Mr. and Mrs. Loadsofmoney and can fly first class there is bugger all pleasure in modern air travel. However watching a bit of Pan Am the other night it was unquestionably a bloody sight better in the past.

As I watched I started thinking when did this all change. When did flying suddenly become as fun as explosive diarrhea? Add the stress and strains of today’s security measures and the overall drop in standards then at its best flying is tolerable and at its worst its Ryanair. One thing that’s obvious from me watching Pan Am was that back then airline travel was something designed for men. It seems that they were chosen for their looks and looked airborne Playboy Bunnies. You wouldn’t have needed an in flight movie to watch ……………not with all those bottoms to look at.

But we live in different times where we are stopped at security and arrested because our toothpaste, shampoo or contact lens solution could apparently blow up the plane. Unlike cruising, the whole process of air travel from the moment you enter the departure terminal until the moment you exit at the other end is a grin and bear it experience. And considering what we pay it really shouldn’t be like that……………….should it?

Time for today’s Q and A………………….here we go.

Montague Asked:
John, it seems to me that Carnival puts little thought into its entertainment planning. I watched the show about New Orleans and the graphic sexual nature of the show meant that I hurriedly had to take my grandchildren out. There was no R-rating mentioned by the hopeless cruise director and nothing was written in the daily program. My question is then is Carnival a family cruise line or is it just pretending? The rest of the cruise was most enjoyable and special mention to Ceilia at the Circle C Club who both my grandchildren said was the best part of the cruise and gave them so much fun.

Thank You!

John Says:
Hello Montague

Thanks for taking the time to write and let me start by saying yes, Carnival leads the way when it comes to family cruising experiences and I think that is proven by the fact that your grandchildren enjoyed Circle C so much. The show you are referring to is The Big Easy, a show based around New Orleans and a show I know very well. I have been trying to think what part of the show would have made you feel like you had to remove your grandchildren from the theatre. I know there is the French Quarter section but it really doesn’t have revealing costumes etc so I am at a bit of a loss there. I personally don’t think the show deserves an R rating in any way, however there is obviously something that disturbed you so for that I sincerely apologise. I am so glad you had a fun cruise and I do hope that we will see you and your family again very soon.

Best wishes.
John

Sara Radcliff Asked:
John!

I have written twice now about a table for two with a view for my boyfriend and me and still no reply. We are on the Nov 14th sailing on the Magic and this is our fourth cruise, all with Carnival. Our booking # is ______ and we are in cabin 8341. I hope I get a response this time as hearing nothing is so annoying. My parents are Platinum cruisers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Says:
Hello Sara Radcliff

I am so sorry I haven’t replied to your previous requests. I try to answer as many questions as I can both here and on Facebook but alas I am but one man. Anyway, no worries as I have seen your request and I will ask the maitre d and he will do his best to provide you with a table for two. I wish you a wonderful cruise and I will see you on board.

Best wishes.
John

VIC Asked:
Hi John,

This is my third try for this question and don’t get offended by this. You state that you rarely get off the ship so I would just like to know when you do talks on the ports, where do you get all your information from, do people pass it on to you, looking forward to seeing you in June 2012 on the Carnival Dream.

John Says:
Hello VIC

I have I think answered your question in a previous Q and A as I remember this well. There is a four-week delay in me answering the questions so my apologies. I know the European ports better than most as this is my sixth season there. I have also done three one month long trips around all the ports plus I meet with the excursion manager each cruise to catch up on any new business I need to know. I feel very confident that the information I am giving the guests is the right information. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.
John

Alva Ellis Asked:
Hi John,

I have seen the towel creation became an icon throughout the cruise and hotel industry, who could ever imagine that something that I personally created as a cabin steward back in 1974 to entertain my guests would have become such an art form. An art class teacher and student in St Croix V.I. visited the ship while we were in the island to teach the class the new creation. It was done as credit for the entire art class. I was elated at the time, now I saw the fruit of my creation/invention. Thanks for your write up on your blog.

Have fun,
Alva Ellis

John Says:
Hello Alva

It’s great to hear from you and ladies and gentlemen this is Mr Alva Ellis who was for many, many years the senior chief steward or as we now call them housekeeping manager. Alva was responsible for bringing the towel animal to Carnival, the animals that we all know and love and we owe him a great debt. I hope you are well and those of us who remember you do so remembering your passion and hard work. Thanks for writing and I hope we see each other again soon.

Best wishes.
John

Gerri Green Asked:
As a Platinum cruiser with Carnival I feel strongly that you need to give Platinum cruisers far more than you so. Other lines offer their Diamond status passengers free internet and free drinks before dinner and reserved seats at the shows and by the pool. I deserve MORE!

John Says:
Hello Gerri Green

Thanks for writing and I think our current loyalty program for Platinum guests is good but it can always be better and we are in the process of enhancing the program. And while I can’t promise free this and free that I will be talking soon to someone called Rob who is putting the new program together and as soon as I have news on this I will pass it on. Thanks for your loyalty until then, it means a lot.

Best wishes.
John

LoriAnne Garbutt Asked:
Hey John!

Now that I have posted the pic on your FB page, I will give you my praises on how wonderful the Carnival Fascination cruise was. As we were pulling into the parking lot at JaxPort, I received a FB notification that was from you!  That was just too kewl!  Talk about timing… Then, on the second day on board (I think) is when the bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries arrived from you and Jen. Another awesome surprise!  We did partake and I did learn to like Champagne and white wine on this cruise (I’m a beer and Crown Royal person…lol).  We went to Half Moon Cay and Nassau Bahamas.  Half Moon Cay was beautiful, and I do mean B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!  Nassau was “an experience” and I will leave it at that…LOL.

Christopher was our room steward and he was awesome!  Amazes me at how they can remember everybody’s names and they do call you by your name every time they see you.

In the dining room we had Yves, Adrian, Godfrey, and the “I” brothers, (I think it’s I Gomez, but not real sure), they were brothers and both had the same name……. I don’t know that you could have found a better fit of wait staff for us!  We had a blast with them, on the first night in the dining room, I dropped all of my utensils, not once, but twice!  Adrian was great, he brought more and they all caught up with us the entire cruise. Pat was waiting on the Grand Marnier Soufflé to hit the menu from the time we got on the boat till the time it finally did become available, they ALL knew that she was wanting that soooo bad, that on the nite it was available…..They didn’t even bring us the dessert menus, not even me, they just brought us the Grand Marnier Souffle for each of us and then the Cappuccino Pie to split as a surprise for us!  It was great!

Every night at dinner the wait staff did the dancing and one night they sang… I missed that on the first cruise but totally loved it on this cruise!  To see all of them dancing to Apple Bottom Jeans and That’s Amore’, let me tell ya.. PRICELESS!

We met the head waiter for Lido deck, Dario, at breakfast one morning and he obliged with us answers to all of our questions that we had about his country which was Croatia… me and Pat had a debate about what it used to be named…… So he settled that and gave us the history and told us that when we retire, it should be to Croatia… If it’s as pretty as he says, I just might check into that… LOL!

We also met Jen, the Cruise Director for Fascination and she is a total hoot!  When we told her who we were, she did recognize our names and said “Oh, you got your strawberries and champagne!”  We laughed and laughed during the shows and a lot of it was because of Jen!  That British Chick has a great sense of humour (as you spell it) and her actions were hilarious.

On our last night of the cruise was the Chef’s Table. We chose this to be our excursion and it was the most amazing experience that I have ever had!!  Thank you so much for setting that up for us!  It was totally worth the money to go!  We had a great group that joined us!

All of us were from the South, so the only accent that was there was the chef…   Chef Remy Gomes outdone himself on our meal!  One of our girls that joined us was vegetarian and he accommodated her just as he did the rest of us!  She was totally thrilled with the selections that he did for her, and I have to say they did look great and I could have totally had the vegetarian meal too!

This was the best 40th birthday present I could have ever gotten! Thanks for everything and I can’t wait to cruise with you!!!

LoriAnne

John Says:
Hello LoriAnne

What a brilliant review and there are so many highlights and so much excitement that oozes out from your writing. I promise to pass on all you have said to the ship and those ashore in charge of the vessel and they will be thrilled. I hope we will see you again and I am so happy you had such a brilliant time.

Best wishes.
John

Grant and Melissa Hove Asked:
John,

We will be taking our first cruise on Carnival. We are big NCL fans but were persuaded to go on the Carnival Miracle by the price. We must have a private table though as we won’t eat with other passengers as we are very private Christian folks who keep to ourselves. I was told that this was the place to come to get this accomplished. I wasn’t sure what you need so here is all our information.

WANT TABLE FOR 2
DATE OF CRUISE 10/05/11
BOOKING NUMBER ______
NAME: Grant and Melissa Hove
RESPOND TO E MAIL ADDRESS____________

John Says:
Hello Grant and Melissa Hove

I have obviously read this post too late as you have already sailed. I wanted to apologise therefore that I missed this post and didn’t get to arrange a table for two for you. I hope you managed to do this while on board with the maitre d and I hope that you had such fun that you will join us again here at Carnival.

Best wishes to you both
John

Rod K & Deb C Asked:
Not really a question John – more a message of support from UK.  We went on our first cruise in May on the Carnival Dream – Western Caribbean – and thoroughly enjoyed it.  The reason we booked was to see our daughter Natasha who was on her first nine-month contract in the Cloud 9 Spa on the Carnival Dream as a massage therapist. Now she is on her last week and will be coming home this weekend, and I will be trying to persuade her to preference for the Carnival Magic for her next contract from the middle of November through to June 2012 (so we can do another cruise!). Any words of wisdom on what she can expect to find different on Carnival Magic compared with Carnival Dream?

ps – does all your audience really get the humour? I bet not.  Keep being funny, and regards.

Rod & Deb

John Says:
Hello Rob K and Deb

It’s always nice to hear from the parents of one of my fellow shipboard crew and I hope that your daughter enjoyed her first contract on the Carnival Dream. I hope she does get the Carnival Magic although basically the spa is exactly the same just with different décor. She will enjoy sailing out of Texas as well as the guests are always very friendly. As for my humour (spelt correctly), I think most people get it although at times regardless of where the guests are from its not going to be everyone that finds me funny. I am sure you are glad to have Natasha home and please say a warm hello to her from me. Please let me know if you ever have any questions and I will be here to help.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Nick Boughtwood Asked:
John.

Much of your blog today was spent complaining about how much you miss your family which considering you make more $$$ than most people reading your stuff is laughable. If you don’t like your job quit. None of us come to your blog to read this but for current and useful information that helps us decide if we want to cruise with Carnival again. My question is will Carnival add another ship here on the West Coast as our choices are limited and while Florida and the eastern seaboard get ship after ship the west coast gets nothing.

John Says:
Hello Nick Boughtwood

If I might kindly just start by saying I make bugger all apologies for writing about how much I miss my family and as this is my blog occasionally I use it to express my true emotions. I realize how lucky I am but that never takes away the fact that there are days when I think about my family and how much I want to be with them. Now as for the West Coast, well the ports of call as we know are limited but there are no plans at the moment to give the West Coast another ship.  Considering the majority of cruise lines have left completely, I think it’s fair to mention that Carnival continues to support the west coast with the Carnival Splendor and Carnival Spirit. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.
John

Allan Ruse Asked:
John.

I wrote to you about my parents and the fact that they were celebrating their 55^th wedding anniversary on their cruise on the Carnival Miracle but I never expected you to do the things you did. The table for 2, the gift of champagne and strawberries and the shout out the cruise director gave them at the TV show made them feel like VIPs and I am forever in your debt. They also asked if I would mention their room steward called Lizbet. They said she was so friendly and always called them by their names and looked after them.

Thank you John and thank you Carnival.

John Says:
Hello Allan Ruse

Thanks so much for writing and I am so happy that your parents were able to celebrate their 55 years together on the Carnival Miracle and had so much fun doing so. I will gladly pass this onto Lizbet and she will be thrilled I am sure. I hope we see you all again soon on another cruise with us and please send a big hello to your Mum and Dad.

Best wishes to all.
John

That’s all for today and a big thank you for all the comments. The blog views are now well over 12 million which I think is absolutely brilliant and that’s all because of your continuing readership.

So tomorrow I will head back to the Carnival Liberty for two days to film how the new Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades are coming along and of course I will then return for the first cruise and report via the blog and via video on how the guests are enjoying them all. Obviously they all have to be built and it’s only then that the crew can get in amongst them and learn everything. By that I mean the chefs have to practice making Guy’s burgers exactly as he would. The mixologists have to learn to make all those new cocktails at the Alchemy Bar and they have to learn this intriguing prescription way of ordering those cocktails. The chefs have to practice using the taco machine at the Cantina and I will be reporting to you on all of the above.

One big change I think you will see on the Carnival Liberty and then as other ships get the Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades is how we utilize our Lido Deck. With the exception of when we have our deck parties the Lido pretty much shuts down doesn’t it at 6 pm. I have never liked this and I blame myself for not pushing the beards to do something about it. But now with this new Lido Deck and the two competing bars we have out there then it is time to change the way we use the Lido. This is roughly what we are planning for three or four nights of the cruise.

The bars will remain open until very late. Live music will continue throughout the day mixed with poolside activities etc. The live music will feature two different musicians or groups playing and supporting either the RedFrog Rum Bar or the BlueIguana Bar. This music will continue until 10 pm. At 10 pm we will play a movie on the big screen. We are also giving our movie nights themes with Superheroes, Best Picture, Chick Sodding Flick Night and Family Nights.

The big question was keeping the pools open. You see we have always closed them at 6 pm. Much of this has to do with manning and having staff available to be there. But it looks like we have overcome this concern and we are now looking at keeping the pools open until 10 pm or even midnight. I will let you know which as soon as it’s confirmed. My question though is I wonder how many will actually go for a swim that late at night. We shall see. We are still discussing keeping the water park open longer and I shall also let you know more about that as soon as I can. Carnival Liberty will be the test ship for all of this and we will no doubt have to make changes along the way. But one thing is for sure, the much underutilized Lido deck will change for the good over the coming months and it’s been a long time coming. What do you think to all of this?

So yesterday I went shopping for essentials such as toothpaste and hemorrhoid cream and some much needed deodorant because it continues to be hotter than Satan’s scrotum here in Miami. And so off I went to the nearest Wal-Mart, the largest shop I think I have ever been in, which is on NW 87th Avenue in Miami. Or is it? Because when I walked through the door I felt like I had entered Spain or Cuba or Venezuela or Columbia. Now I realise that there are many, many Spanish speaking people in Miami, in fact I have answered a comment here on the blog a few days or weeks ago from someone who felt that we should speak more Spanish on ships sailing out of Miami. I also know that there is a proud heritage amongst the Spanish speaking people here but nothing, nothing had prepared me for just how prevalent the Spanish speaking language was in this particular Wal-Mart. I say this also because I asked someone (and this isn’t a joke as Mel my PA was with me) who was wearing red Ask Me shirt where the toothpaste was and he simply said “No intend” ……..I couldn’t believe it. So I had no choice but to use a visual aid and therefore stood in the middle of this massive Wal-Mart demonstrating to Jose the art of brushing my teeth. He got the message and pointed to where I should go. I decided not to ask him where the hemorrhoid cream was.

Anyway, that’s not why I am telling you about my shopping trip. This is why. I was searching for the Las Hemorrhoid Creamo when my sixth sense took over. Now, I do not have super powers although I wish I could be invisible…….I mean , I was invisible when I was a teenager as certainly any girl I ever spoke to certainly thought I was but I have sometimes wished I was, really invisible.  If I was, there are certain places I would to be invisible in. For example, Buckingham Palace to find out about what Royal Family. Does the Queen eat barbecue ribs with her hands, does she ever enjoy a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Does Princesses Katie dress up as a naughty nurse for Prince William? Does Prince Charles feed Camilla some hay and a carrot before bedtime? Then there is the White House Situation Room, just to see if it is anything like the one shown on my favorite program The West Wing. It would be amazing to see how emergency situations are dealt with and whether President Obama is in his underpants while doing so. I would also like to be invisible in Megan Fox’s bedroom and her shower but you knew I was going to say that didn’t you?

Anyway, back to El Walmarto and that sixth sense I was mentioning. In this case the sixth sense is being able to tell that someone is looking at me and talking about me which is something I have developed over the years and it was this “feeling” that washed over me as I removed Las Arseospoto cream from the shelf. I heard my name to my right, it was only a whisper but I had definitely heard my name mentioned by a female voice talking to someone else. Now, at the time two possibilities came to mind.

1. It was a beautiful senjorita who had read my blog and wanted to whisk me away to her father’s luxury beachfront house on South Beach and have el rumpio pumpio with me.
2. Then of course there was the possibility that someone knew me from the ship.

So who was it? I looked over to see two ladies waving and grinning at me as though they had just seen Johnny Depp……….naked. I did that thing where I look behind me thinking that their admirations were meant for someone else but of course I knew I had been “recognised.”

Realising that the ladies were indeed waving at me I decided to hasten this along a little by saying, “Hello ladies, how are you?” Well they were from Miami and one of the ladies said, ”We cruised with you twice on the Carnival Valor and the Carnival Freedom and we read your blog everyday” ………. The lady then continued, “We have booked a cruise in November on the Carnival Liberty with our families….we are so excited.”

I returned her kindness with words of thanks and then the ladies had a request. “Can we have a photo with you?” “Yes, of course,” I replied and I walked a few paces to stand next to them. Nowadays every cell phone has a camera on it and the ladies took it in turns to stand next to me as they took photos and then Mel took one of the three of us all together. As this was happening various shoppers and employees were looking at the man in sweat pants and a Miami Heat T-shirt trying to work out why he was having his photo taken. I want therefore to say a huge hello to Blanca and Lourdes (I told you I would forget your last names, sorry) and thank them for the kindness they showed me in El Wal-Marto……….and thanks for pretending not to notice that I had just bought an extra strength tube of hemorrhoid cream.

So, after the photos came the goodbyes and the ladies left looking with huge smiles on their faces and I headed to the check out desk to pay for my items. As I did a lady in her forties came up and tapped me on my shoulder and asked if she could have her photo with me as well. I said of course and asked her how she was and when she had cruised with me. She just smiled and said nothing as Mel took the photo. I thought that maybe she didn’t speak English very well but then it dawned on me. She had seen the other two ladies so excited and screaming at seeing me that she must have thought I was famous and decided to have her photo taken with me. But honestly, I could tell….she had no sodding clue who I was. Maybe because I was in a Miami Heat hat she thought I was Micky Arison. Simple mistake to make. We look alike and he shops in Wal-Mart all the time. Maybe she thought I was a sex object and wanted her photo with me. Actually, when I was in my early twenties I was indeed a sex object……..I asked many girls for sex …………… and they would all object.

Goodnight.

Your friend,
John