On Friday, I will fly home for two nights to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I made a promise to her after missing her first and second birthdays that I would not miss another and thanks to the beards, I will head home on Friday and providing Ryan Air doesn’t fly me into a mountain or poison me with their in-flight sandwiches, I will return Sunday morning to the ship.
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There are many ways in which you can tell you are getting old. The forest of hair in your nose and ears for example or those weird noises I make now as I get out of a chair or off a sofa ………. aggghoooo. However, these past few days I have experienced two situations that make me think that 47 is the new 73. Firstly, while at home last week a friend called me at 9:30pm and asked: “I didn’t wake you, did I?” Bloody hell! Is that what people think of me? Do they believe that I have just had a cup of cocoa and am in bed asleep, dreaming of a nice retirement home in the country at 9:30 at night? I felt like telling this friend who called that actually I was in the middle of “a little action,” but he would rather than think I meant some rumpy pumpy that a “little action” referred to a good bowel movement.
I remember when the mail used to be fun. Not email, not the offer of a larger thingy which, by the way, I decided to apply for and for my $45 I received a magnifying glass…..no, I mean real mail, the stuff the mailman brings. You know, back before e-mail, when I would receive a birthday card and check. Or even better, a birthday card with a check. There was nothing better than opening that white square envelope knowing that inside there would be money. It was such a letdown when it was just a card except when it was from my Uncle Norman who I knew was a cheap bastard and that the card would be as empty as Frenchman’s soap dish. Mail used to be exciting because every day was a new opportunity. You never knew what you were going to get. A handwritten letter, an invitation – maybe there would be a postcard from a friend on a Carnival cruise. Now, the only postcards that arrive have ads on them. Do I want a pizza? New decking? I have been used to getting emails for a larger gentleman’s sausage via email but yesterday I actually got a got a card in the mail offering me a bigger one and the handwriting on it looked very much like Heidi’s.
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The race for the republican nomination is over it seems and that’s big news here in the UK where American politics still sets the tone. Mitt Romney it seems is your choice to challenge President Obama. Now don’t worry, I am not going to lob a huge dollop of my political beliefs at you this beautiful Wednesday morning but I have to say………..he is a bit ummmm…….robotic…….and may I say ummmm……a bit boring as well. And what’s with the hair. Surely he must know that his sculptured hairstyle is far to perfect. If I was him I would wear a crash helmet an hour before going on stage because look how perfect hair helped that John Edwards chap.
There has been much excitement these past few weeks since the announcement that the Carnival Splendor will be heading to South America in 2013 on what will be an incomparable series of voyages. Obviously, there have been questions including visas in Brazil which I think we have sorted out (you definitely need one, the end). But also on Facebook this week I have been asked if guests will need “Yellow Fever” injections before the cruise starts. Now I have a beard called Doris who is absolutely terrific and beautiful and gorgeous and stunning and cute and your married John and oh bugger, I’m looking into this and I will have the answer soon.
I had woken at 5:00amish that morning because, as most diabetics will tell you, the call to the bathroom usually comes very early and as always before heading back to bed I had a quick glance at my Blackberry and saw I had lots of e mails all from the PR department at Carnival and from other senior beards. All of them contained the words Costa Concordia and instructions to call Miami ASAP.
Happy Birthday John!
All of us at Carnival, from those of us with long luscious beards, to the 349 ladies who call themselves Stephanie… from Peter the Hair, Jay the Recently Married, Fun Ship Freddy, and of course 007 (will we ever find out who he or she is?), hope you’ve had and continue to have an amazing birthday.
Oh… and one more person wants to say hi.
Love always,
- Eric the Beard
P.S If you’d like to send John a birthday wish, leave it in the comment section using the form below!
We start today’s blog with a question and my rather detailed and ummmm………sarcastic answer.
Cheers and best wishes for a wonderful Christmas and Hanukkah.
