I once got an email from a very upset beard because I had sent an email using only capital letters and he thought I was shouting at him. I wasn’t. The caps thingy lock was pressed and by the time I looked at the screen and noticed, half the e-mail was finished and I didn’t want to write it again. But the “X” kiss thing is out of sodding control. The problem is that once you start, you can’t stop. Kisses are a plague. Let’s say I write an email to Carnival’s President and CEO Gerry Cahill asking for a raise and finish it with a kiss, even if he tells me to bugger off, his email must finish with an “X” as well. You’re effectively blowing kisses to everyone like some lady of the night standing on a street corner.

One of the worst side effects of the Eye Phone/Raspberry phone thingy revolution has been to make people more needy and demanding of attention 24/7, no matter where they are. I often find myself saying, “It’s been five minutes since I emailed you and they haven’t replied,” I moan, eyes glued to my Raspberry, “Do they hate me? Has Carnival fired me?” No, they’re probably just terrified because I have put seven kisses on a message that simply says, “Carnival Breeze’s schedules are attached.” I guess, though, that one thing is escaping me and escaping you more and more each day…..if it’s an instant response that we want, well, here’s a thought… why not make a sodding phone call? Oh, sorry…..I am not allowed to say “phone call”…..even that has changed. We don’t make phone calls anymore…….we “reach out” Oh FFS!

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Sandee Holland asked:

I just went on my third Carnival cruise, this time on the Carnival Triumph. There were nine of us in all and eight of us were past guests. I have never been dissatisfied with a Carnival cruise until this one, and the others in my party agreed. The service was lousy, the crew was grumpy, and two of the cabins were just nasty!! (And yes there are videos) When I reported it to the service desk they put me on the phone with bar and dining room managers, they truly seemed to not care. The first cruise I was on was with you on the Carnival Conquest and it and you were truly wonderful. The second cruise was also on the Carnival Conquest and even with fire or something in the kitchen on formal night, I was still very pleased when I got off the ship… not so much that night but they made every effort to make it up to us. This third cruise was totally a disgrace… It may be all nine in my parties last cruise with Carnival, it was so bad. I don’t know what you can do or who to contact but the Carnival Triumph is giving Carnival a bad name. I even met a man yesterday that was on the Carnival Triumph two weeks before me and he said it was bad too. Thanks for your help or passing this along.

John says:
Hello Sandee Holland,

There may be some who are surprised that I post and reply to comments like this but I do because I promised myself that we would never hide from the negatives. I want to sincerely apologise that this cruise did not meet the expectations that were based on your previous cruises on the Carnival Conquest. I was though very surprised to read this because the ship usually gets nothing but praise but it seems we have work to do. I want you to know that I have sent this to our operations people in Miami and to the senior management on the vessel and they will address this I can assure you. Meanwhile please accept my apologies again and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Mira Brecher asked:

I will be travelling with my service dog which I have to have for sleep apnea. I have sailed on NCL with Sari (my Maltese) and am considering a Carnival cruise as you have your big ship Carnival Splendor coming to New York where I now live. Will Carnival as NCL did allow my service dog in the dining room and what steps do I need to take to make sure she is well looked after.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Mira Bercher,

I am glad you wrote and thank you for considering Carnival for your 2013 vacation. We do allow service dogs and, obviously, we require the proper documentation before allowing them onboard proving it is a service dog and not the family pet. Once onboard a special area will be reserved near the lifeboat stations for your dog to do its whoopises but please note that the staff do not in any way take care of the dog, that is down to you of course. Please call our special needs desk so that you can find out what you need to do and I hope we see you on the Carnival Splendor soon.

Best wishes.

John

Tamsin Hawkins asked:

I am taking my three kids aged three, five and nine and on a cruise. I am a single mom and wondered if Carnival does anything for single moms as money is tight. We will be on the Carnival Sensation 5/31 three-day cruise. Can Carnival do something for me?

John says:
Hello Tamsin Hawkins,

Congratulations on taking your children on a cruise and I am sure they will have fun. We don’t have a special package for single parents but I will send each of your children a special souvenir of their cruise which I hope they will cherish. Have a wonderful time.

Best wishes.

John

Harry Wald asked:

Mother and I have enjoyed three Carnival cruises and we like the food and especially like the convenience of being able to sail from Charleston where we live now. I do have one suggestion that I would like you to consider Mr. Heald. The food in the dining room is surprisingly good but the service is brash and loud and certainly is not something that everyone enjoys. We also cruise Celebrity where we are Captain’s Club members. I understand the two companies are vastly different but why must Carnival think that the waiters have to be so loud, play jokes and worse perform lurid dances on table tops? I think there should be one dining area where a more professional silver service style is offered with maybe just some nice, relaxing music allowing for good table conversation with family and friends. On my last cruise on Carnival Fantasy I spoke to many passengers who agreed with me and I would not mind wagering that your dining service staff would prefer a silver service environment rather than being treated as performing monkeys. I look forward to your response.

Thank you.

John says:
Hello Harry Wald,

First of all, I am glad to read that you enjoy your Carnival cruises and I hope that you will build up to the same loyalty level as you have shown Celebrity Cruises. I understand that the singing and dancing and the fun atmosphere the staff provide in the dining room may not to be your taste and yet I must say that the comments and the feedback we get show that the vast majority enjoy what we do during dinner service. I must say that for the most part also that the staff enjoys it as well and what happens during dinner has become a tradition at Carnival that we have no plans of changing. It is an interesting point you raise and this is why I hope you don’t mind that earlier today I posted on Facebook to encourage others to discuss. I respect your comment though and I hope that this will not deter you from cruising with us again very soon. If there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Brenda Blackard asked:

Where or where can one get a copy of Fun Times for a cruise? Tried the list from your help desk below — to say the least it was painful — surely one of the beards has an able assistant who could gather ALL of the Fun Times from all of the ships/destinations and list them in an easily accessible spot. Just a thought — loyal cruiser (18 and counting!)

John says:
Hello Brenda Blackard,

At the bottom of my blog, you will find a link to the Fun Times for the fleet. If the one you are looking for is not there, please let me know and I will post it for you. I am sorry you had a tough time finding the information you need and I hope you will let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes.

John

Mark Sagan asked:
John,

I think it is ridiculous and unprofessional to take a chunk of time off and have nobody to carry on answering questions. I posted a request for my 15th anniversary that went unanswered and I discovered it was because you took a vacation. It’s unfair that people who don’t have Facebook accounts get treated like s**t because you are on vacation and leave the blog unattended. I am not impressed and my request for a table for two and a little something extra for my wife was ignored.

John says:
Hello Mark Sagan,

I did take some time away from the blog as I was traveling and spending time with the family which has left me behind on the blog questions. Since then the wonderful duo of Michelle and Mary are helping me with questions so things like this don’t happen. I can only apologise and hope that you had a great anniversary cruise and next time you sail please try again and let me know what you need and I will do my best to help you.

Best wishes.

John

Art Seago asked:
John,

We just finished our first seven-day cruise on Sunday. The Carnival Magic is truly a great ship. The accommodations and the staff were wonderful. Our first cruise was the one of the last voyages the Carnival Ecstasy made out of Galveston. We also had a great time on that trip. The one thing we missed on the Carnival Magic that was on the Carnival Ecstasy was the water depth on the info channel in the room. There were a few new pieces of info, but knowing how DEEP the water was, was a nice little touch. The kids were really looking forward to seeing if we went into any water deeper than 11,000 feet…but it was missing from this ship. Is/Can that be added back to the info screen?

Thanks.

Art Seago

John says:
Hello Art Seago,

Carnival Magic is currently at the number one spot in the fleet as per review cards completed by the guests and your review is another fine example as to why. The water depth is supposed to be on the information channel and I will have to investigate as to why it was not there so thanks for letting me know. I will pass your comments to the ship and I hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Faye Murray asked:

John we are booked on the Carnival Breeze for June 15th – my question is simple – I have prepaid gratuities but tip extra for room service, and special service. Should we buy Euros for tips or good old American dollars? Is there a preference on a Mediterranean cruise? Many thanks!

John says:
Hello Faye Murray,

How wonderful you are to ask that question and the answer is that to save you rate of exchange and commission, USD are most welcome. However, if you have Euros they too will be fine so the answer is I think, what’s best for you, Faye. I must say you are so kind to ask and I truly look forward to welcoming you onboard.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

Vicki W asked:
Hi John!

I enjoy reading your blog and FB page and would like to know who the comedians will be for our cruise May 26. Thanks John and you are a diamond for putting up with what you do.

John says:
Hello Vicki W,

Thanks for the very kind words and here is your entertainment for your cruise. I hope you have a brilliant time.

• Sat, May, 26 – Miami Welcome – Aboard Show dep @ 4pm
• Sun, May, 27 – Half Moon Cay (9am-5pm) – Wonderful World – Tommy Drake / Dan Smith
• Mon, May, 28 – At sea – Edge (Tommy Drake / Dan Smith)
• Tue, May, 29 – St Thomas (10am – 6pm) – Singing With The Big Band /Chris Graves
• Wed, May, 30 – San Juan (7am-3:30pm) – Fun Hop Deck Party
• Thu, May, 31 – Grand Turk (11am-5:30) – Just Rock Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball
• Fri, Jun, 01 – at sea – Carnival Legends Joe Bronzi /Allyn Ball

Best wishes,

John

Linda Bailey asked:
John,

I don’t understand why they are renaming the Carnival Destiny after she is redone to the “Sunshine.” Who picked that name? Sounds from the forums like there are not many cruisers who like the name. I am sailing on her anyway Christmas 2013 but I sure think they could have come up with a better name. Just a thought! But for now, just looking forward to the Carnival Glory in a little over a month on April 29. Thanks for listening.

Linda

John says:
Hello Linda Bailey,

I know there were some questions when we announced the name change from Carnival Destiny to Carnival Sunshine and I totally understand that some have a firm allegiance to the vessel under her own name. It is important that we all remember to use the full name, Carnival Sunshine and not just Sunshine as the Carnival prefix really makes a difference. The most important thing is to wait and see what we are doing to the vessel and I promise that when she returns from her 49-day dry dock that Carnival Sunshine…….will be a perfect name for her. I am always here to listen and I hope you will let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Ken Martin asked:
John,

It’s been too long since I’ve cruised (kids in college, a divorce, etc.) But Woo Hoo Hi Diddlee Dee It’s the Carnival Liberty for me and my friends (over 14 rooms with 100+ Carnival cruises under our belts. I’m still getting the info tallied). Just a thought as we’ll be on the 2.0 Liberty. Are there any plans to have Guy Fieri do a cruise and have him do some seminars on some of his famous dishes or his Diners, Drive-ins and Dives recipes? There are lots of us who’d sign up (Just ask the question on Facebook and I bet you’ll get a ton of positive replies. Thanks mate in advance for your checking this out and look forward to hearing what may or may not happen. Ken P.S. can’t wait to try one of Guy’s Burgers. The closest thing we have to it is Five Guys Burgers here in SW Florida

John says:
Hello Ken Martin,

That’s a brilliant question and one I don’t know the answer to. I will though certainly suggest this as it’s a great idea. I saw him cook live in New York and it was a fantastic rock and roll experience and the end result was the best burger in the world……as you are soon to discover for yourself. I will follow up on this and let you know.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

I have made quite a few mistakes since I started writing blogs and there have been times when in retrospect I probably should not have written about certain subjects. Top of that list is the new loyalty program which I first wrote about some two years ago or thereabouts. Back then it looked like we were just a few weeks away from launching but suddenly we were not and I was told that the project was far grander than first planned and it was going to be not weeks but months, lots of months before we were ready to announce what we were doing. It was my fault, 100% my fault. I was so anxious to tell you all that this exciting program was on the way that I jumped the gun so to speak and here we are still waiting.

Since then I have been ridiculed somewhat for this by posters here, on Facebook and on Cruise Critic and rightly so. I can understand why and as I said, it’s my fault. If I didn’t have this social media site and my Facebook page then nobody would have been any the wiser and while I think for the most part that my pages do help get the Carnival messages out and while they do keep you informed, there are times when silence would have been as golden. So please let me apologise to you all for my glaring mistake. In the coming weeks we will have the grand launch of a program that will keep our loyal guests returning to Carnival for another brilliantly fun and affordable cruise vacation.

So here I am on the Carnival Breeze in my cabin and it’s good to be finally onboard the ship, my home for the next few months. I am about to show you photos of my cabin which so many have asked for and I can understand the fascination of why people want to see where the crew live and in this case, where the fat bloke sits in his underpants writing blogs to you. Back when we had the Holiday class the CD cabins were huge. In fact they were Verandah suite cabins, exactly the same as the guest suites on the Holiday, Jubilee and Celebration and they were fantastic. I could hold a full department meeting there and still have room to swing loads of cats and invite a few Latvian casino girls over. God I was a stud back then with the female staff desperate for my attention. I had a huge cabin and a bathtub and I might as well have replaced my cabin door with a revolving one for the Latvian casino girls………and a cat flap for the cute girls from spa. OK, that was bollocks but a man can dream.

Then came the Fantasy-class and the cabins were still nice but a little smaller although the bedroom was probably the nicest of all the classes. Then we had the Destiny- and Conquest-class and for all the senior officers the cabins were smaller and so indeed were they on the Spirit-class as well although we have balconies on those ships. So the Dream-class has smaller cabins for the senior officers because of The Lanai which as you know wraps around the entire deck 5 and this has meant the cabin is smaller than that on Destiny/Conquest/Splendor class of ships. Anyway, let me show you my home and this is as I found it this morning so you are seeing what I saw just a few hours ago using my Raspberry video, so excuse the quality

Yep, that’s my home and as you can see from the photos I have a bit of a problem…….. ummmm ………..there’s no office chair. In fact there are no chairs at all as they haven’t been delivered yet. This means I am here writing to you in my underpants………………sitting on Calvyn.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John
X

Tomorrow is move on day for the crew so it’s going to be extra busy for me as I supervise my department and help them move from the hotel onto the Carnival Breeze. It looks like I will have to stay in the hotel over the weekend as my cabin is not quite ready yet as the infinity pool needs to be filled and the Egyptian silk sheets have not arrived from Harrods just yet. OK, that’s bollocks of course. Ketut is getting the cabin ready but so far I don’t have a computer yet as one of the biggest jobs is for our I/S department to set up over 100 personal computers and much, much more. So in order for me to keep working as the wireless system is also not working just yet, I will stay in the hotel over the weekend and hope to move on Monday. This will mean I will be able to continue to keep you updated here and on Facebook.

So, it’s a quick blog today and we start with three more videos from the ship which Peter the Hair and I made a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy them:

I know that a complaint is a gift as people with beards have written about and, yes, we need constructive criticism in order to continue to be the best in the industry. However, sometimes I just feel like taking of all my clothes, turning off the lights and sitting in a darkened corner humming Abba tunes. I won’t bother posting the two comments sent to me in the last few hours where one chap suggests that my Bedtime Story was stolen and that it was invented by the late and very great Dave Armor.

This isn’t true, by the way. It was invented by a CD called Bob Goss in the very early 80′s and back then it was called the Fairy Tale. It was a standard CD skit which Bob gave everyone permission to do and what I did was take the sound effects of rain and wind and add my own “characters” turning it into the Bedtime Story. This post from someone whose name has become synonymous with negativity here and on Facebook suggested not only I refrain from doing this but also — and I quote — “hang up your cruise director hat and your blue jacket and work as an entertainer at a retirement community in Florida.” I also received a comment yesterday complaining about something that if I post here the author will be turned slowly over a spit like a hog roast but it had to do with a crying baby in the dining room and the request for a 50% refund of the cruise.

So, because of this, I have decided to take a seven-day cruise myself on The Epic of the Seas and each day demand lashings of fruit and money. Here is what I will complain about each day.

1. Hello, is that the guest services desk? This is Mr. Heald from the penthouse calling. I was trying to sleep in this morning but there is a crew member working outside my cabin. He’s got a huge tool that vibrates the whole cabin and I just can’t take it anymore.

2. My cabin is right underneath the basketball court. I can’t get any rest because H82Seaugo and Lucinda Lace are bouncing their balls on the deck.

3. Someone has stolen the toilet seat in my cabin. I have spoken to your security officer who tells me they have nothing to go on (that one was stolen and in tribute to the wonderful and much missed CD Dave Armor).

4. I don’t mind the cruise line allowing service dogs on board but it’s the dog poo I find hard to swallow

5. I want to complain about the Lido Deck being slippery. My wife slipped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

6. I went into my cabin and noticed a bad smell coming from my drawers.

7. My assistant Calvin is here with me and is very dissatisfied with the problems with his cabin. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Having been through the wonders and the utter terror of child birth, I do understand that it’s painful but come on, ladies, pink eye is no walk in the park either. In the UK the whole birthing process is handled by a midwife and her assistant. There is no doctor unless you have complications. The midwives are mostly middle aged or older ladies and look like Mrs. Doubtfire except that this being the UK they have a Polish accent rather than a Scottish one. I was a bit taken aback by this. I wanted machines that go ping and doctors cloaked and masked and ready to get my baby here now.

I do remember Heidi being in a bit of pain and that she was making loud grunting noises like one of those Russian tennis players Anna Getyourknickersov or something like that. Then as the contractions grew, her moans became howls. Was my wife turning into a werewolf? Kye was born in a strange position which Heidi did, if I remember rightly, blame me for. Her head was facing up instead of down or down instead of up……I can’t remember which. I had my back firmly to the show and as much as I wanted to help Heidi through the pain, I was going to be no bloody good having a quick look downstairs and immediately fainting. I don’t remember much except I really did try to help, honest. I said “Breathe …. in … out …….in……out.” And my normally non-swearing placid partner replied…..”I know how to f*****g breathe, you wanker.”

So from that day on every time I am ill, Heidi tells me it’s nothing how only she knows real pain after she pushed a seven-pound turkey through a mouse hole and my reply that I am surprised I am able to have rumpy pumpy with after witnessing childbirth……. Never strengthens my case.

Men, listen to Uncle John here. Your wife will tell you she wants you in the birthing room for your support and because she wants you to hold her hand and to be there to witness the birth of what will be the most important thing in your life. That’s not the reason, oh no. She wants you there so she can milk it forever and ever, especially when you’re complaining about having a cold. Heidi said men will never understand the pain of child birth. Well, obviously, she has never been kicked in the bollocks, has she chaps?!

Time for some Q and A….off we go

Kathryn Hall Allahyari asked:

Who will be the CD on the April 1, 2012 cruise of the Carnival Splendor? We are taking our three children, their spouses and our eight grandchildren on a cruise for our 50 wedding anniversary, and I would like to do something special for my husband – can you suggest anything really romantic????

John says:
Hello Kathryn Hall Allahyari

Your CD will be the wonderful Todd Wittmer who is one of our most experienced and finest cruise directors. As for romantic, well I would suggest that one night you leave the family and grandkids and just you and your husband go to the steakhouse and have a private meal for two. The food is exquisite and the atmosphere will complement your romantic night perfectly. You can book this through my blog and the ship will then send an email confirmation. Please let me know if there is anything else you need and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Dennis Odent asked:

You know what makes me LOL? You, Mr. Heald. You pretend to be the friend of the people who read your blog and read your Facebook but be honest the day you leave Carnival you won’t care if they live or die. I am not going to blow smoke up your ass either to get some pathetic free gift but will come right to the point. Will you show March Madness basketball on the Carnival Liberty’s giant screen?

John says:
Hello Dennis Odent

While it is hard to remember all the thousands of people who cruise with me I do consider many of them friends and if Carnival suddenly decided that they needed a newer, slimmer, funnier CD and brand ambassador then I hope that my friendship with everyone would continue, it certainly would from my side regardless of how cynical you may feel. Anyway, let’s see, ahhh, yes, now that my arse (spelt correctly) is smoke free I will say that the some of the games will be played on board on the Seaside Theatre and some in the EA Sports bar. Have a brilliant cruise and I hope we can become friends one day.

Best wishes.

John

Helen De Veer asked:

There is an obvious short fall when it comes to Carnival and their brand ambassador caring about vegans. We cruised on the Eclipse and enjoyed Seitan main courses (Seitan, pronounced say-tahn, is a wheat-based Asian meat substitute), tomato pomodoro, tofu medallion piccata and many more exotic dishes. On Carnival there was very little that didn’t involve chick peas and it wasn’t for the vegetarian Indian dish in the dining hall then we would have starved. You may mock Mr. Heald but maybe a look in a full length mirror will show you that your perception needs to change and that Carnival needs to have two or three main courses for vegans each night at dinner.

John says:
Hello Helen de Veer

Thanks for the email but I thought I have always heard good things from vegetablists who cruise with us, especially about the dinner options including the Indian dish you mentioned. I do hope that you found some nice options and I will be sending your comments to our executive chef so that he can see what you would wish to see as enjoyed on the Celebrity ship. Thanks for taking the time to write and for the encouragement to change my diet.

Best wishes.

John

John Coren asked:
John –

Is it possible to request a specific waitress when you have any time dining? We were on Carnival Magic at Christmas and had a lovely lady from Romania called Allina (sp?) and she served us the last three nights. I have read since that if you like a waiter then you can ask for them when you enter the dining room. Is this true?

Thanks

John says:
Hello John Coren

Yes indeed it is true however I should mention that it’s not always possible because his or her section may be full. But if you time it right or you are prepared to wait until there is space then yes you can indeed. I hope this helps you and please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes.

John

Wendy and Richard George asked:
Hi John,

After sailing on Splendor (with Heidi and you as cruise director) and Carnival Spirit, we are absolutely delighted to know that the powers that be at Carnival are sending Spirit Down under. We are sailing on her first voyage out of Honolulu to Sydney next September and would love to know if you will be here for the arrival of the first Whale Tail into Sydney Harbor. It will be worth it. Bring Heidi and Kye too (No big crocs, dingoes or bird eating spiders here, they are all up north).

Regards,

Wendy and Richard George

John says:
Hello Wendy and Richard George

Thanks so much for those kind words and it’s great to hear from you both. I have seen the welcome that Sydney gives Cunard ships and it would be nice to think that we would get a similar welcome from our Aussie friends. I am looking at the possibilities of being there but we shall have to see what my schedule allows for. It certainly will be a memorable moment and one it would be great to share with you both. Thanks for writing and I hope to see you soon.

Best wishes.

John

John Vanecek asked:
Hello John,

It was nice to meet you on the inaugural cruise from Galveston on the Carnival Magic. I’m glad the mad waiter didn’t hit you with a stick. Please help me with an issue. This was our eighth Carnival cruise, and my daughter and son in law’s first, as they are big time RC cruisers. I did an on boardbooking the first day for 4/14/2013. This will make us platinum (finally) after we sail on the Carnival Triumph next October. So I convinced my daughter that Carnival is great, and to keep sailing with us. She made her booking for the same cruise the last evening. John, it was pure chaos. The poor loyalty rep had no help and the people were lined up in droves to pick up certificates, etc. It took us two hours to book her cruise, and my major complaint is that after several messages to Carnival, with no resolve, they have yet to add the $100 promotional credit to her billing when she logs in to Carnival. I am trying my best to convince them that Carnival will furnish some great cruises as they have for me. They are Wendi and Randy Baldwin and are booked on the Carnival Triumph 11/14/2011 Can you get this simple request done? One other issue is that a lot of folks would love to see Progresso removed from the cruise ports, as the water is no better than Galveston, and you can go to the ruins from any Mexico stop. If I had it my way, I would make the five-day sailings Cozumel and Costa Maya, or Calica, where we went some years ago on the Celebration. The beach there is gorgeous. It was not so bad that the Carnival Magic missed Costa Maya for us, as we are fairly seasoned, but we heard many complaints on the ship about it. I thank you for your assistance, and hope to see you again. Thank you for the wonderful cruises Carnival has taken us on.

John Vanecek

John says:
Hello John Vanecek

I am thinking that as I am so far behind in my blog questions that this has been resolved but just to make sure I have just sent off a note to my colleagues who will make sure that is the case. I am very sorry you had to go through so much trouble and we will do better with this in the future I am positive John. I will also pass on your thoughts re: Calica. Thanks again and please drop me a line if you can on my Facebook page a week before you sail and include your cabin number.

Best wishes to all.

John

Sandy W asked:
Hey John,

Need your help getting me and my wife a table for two at dinner. We are Mennonites and deeply religious and mealtimes are a sacrament for us. We are on the 3/1 cruise on Carnival Paradise cabin M101.

Thank you

John says:
Hello Sandy W

I am very thankful that I saw this in time as I see you are sailing next week. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to assist you with this and I wish you a wonderful time.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Susan Horn asked:
Hi John;

I was wondering if you could tell me when formal nights for the April 13, 2012 Carnival Spirit to Hawaii are. I heard they were both on the way to Hawaii and was wondering why they wouldn’t do one each way?? Also really looking forward to seeing the new Carnival Spirit after her facelift.

Thanks for any info.

Sue Horn

John says:
Hello Susan Horn

The ship looks great and I hope you have seen Mr Radu’s photos recently here and on Facebook. Let’s have a look at this brilliant voyage, shall we?

• Fri, Apr, 13 San Diego dep @ 4pm
• Sat, Apr, 14 at sea
• Sun, Apr, 15 at sea ELEGANT
• Mon, Apr, 16 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 17 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 18 Hilo 10am-7pm
• Thu, Apr, 19 Kahului 8am-11pm
• Fri, Apr, 20 Honolulu 9am-11pm
• Sat, Apr, 21 Kona 8am-5pm
• Sun, Apr, 22 Nawiliwili 7am-4pm
• Mon, Apr, 23 at sea
• Tue, Apr, 24 at sea
• Wed, Apr, 25 at sea ELEGANT
• Thu, Apr, 26 at sea
• Fri, Apr, 27 Ensenada

I have marked the elegant nights for you and as you can see you have one each side of the ports. I hope this helps and I wish you a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Gwen Smith asked:
John,

First let me say what isn’t said enough on this blog – THANK YOU!! I had posted a message to you on Facebook and you delivered, as promised! My parents really enjoyed the goodies you sent them. I promised I would send you a little review of our recent trip on the Liberty. It was the first trip with our children, ages 10 and nine. They are now hooked on cruising and can’t wait to go again! We just had the best time! Butch was fabulous as our cruise director. We listened to the morning show that he and Amy put on and my son actually won a teddy bear from Fun Ship Freddy. Let me tell you, nothing starts a nine-year-old’s day off right like having Freddy personally deliver a bear to your room!

I was worried that my son, who is a picky eater, would have trouble with the food on the cruise. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He loved the pizza and our waiters in the Silver Dining room spoiled him to death. They did everything they could; including tracking down my parents anniversary cake, to make sure that our experience was amazing. There were plenty of activities for everyone to do. I was glad I brought some post-its as that was the only way we knew where everyone was on the sea days. My parents had a great trip, a trip of a lifetime they said. However, that can’t be right, because they are looking to go again in February! We did have one small issue, and that was with our service staff at Harry’s steakhouse. We didn’t feel like we were as taken care of in regards to drinks. There were a couple of times during the meal that drinks were empty, even after a request had been made for a refill. This was a very small thing and in NO way ruined our cruise or will stop us from eating at the steakhouse again. There were no complaints from any of the six of us about the quality of the food. We left stuffed!

Finally, I have to let you know how hard our room steward, Jay, worked. We had four people in an ocean view room, so it was cluttered, by our own doings. My son also got sick one night. We had to call housekeeping at midnight for a fresh change of sheets. They were there in no time and happily took care of everything. Jay came in the next morning, freshened everything up, gave our son a new mattress and made our room good as new again! He was always leaving the kids’ bears in cute places and just couldn’t have been better. Sorry for making this so long, but please pass on our thanks to everyone for making this an excellent cruise and thank you again for all you do!

Gwen

John says:
Hello Gwen Smith

There is no need to apologise for the length of this review as it was just perfect and a joy to read. Before I forget, the post it notes was a brilliant idea, well done. I shall be sending this to the ship and those mentioned will be thrilled, I promise. I shall also make sure they the see note about the drink service in the steakhouse which sounds like we need to improve on and we will. Thanks again and thank you for the kind words at the start of your post. I hope we see you again very, very soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Stephanie Oliveira asked:

We will be taking our daughter on a cruise on the Carnival Magic on March 11, 2012. So excited. She will be eight then but will turn nine in August and I would like to do a Carnival theme party. I will need Carnival balloons, and T-shirts, and some of those famous trophies enough for 30 of her friends. It would be a great promo for Carnival as well. Can you provide these and have them delivered to cabin 1377 on our cruise?

John says:
Hello Stephanie Oliveira

Unfortunately we don’t have party supplies available for this but it is a great idea I must admit. I will send your daughter something on the cruise which is just two weeks away now and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today.

So off we go on a new cruise and let’s see who is sailing with us and where we are going.

TOTAL GUESTS 4,143
TOTAL GUESTS UNDER 21 483

Non US 81 Canadians; 19 Mexico

I will tell you one thing, Carnival Magic guests love with unbridled passion our karaoke parties and I could have Lady Ga Ga supported by a naked Garth Brooks appearing at the Ocean Plaza and Ron Pass and Elton John on dueling pianos in the piano bar, but it would be karaoke that would be the busiest. There is no doubt that karaoke continues to be one of the most popular activities on our ships. Every day our guests come on stage and do horrible things to Adele, Mariah Carey and that awful Summer Nights song from Grease.

I cannot go into the karaoke lounges on the ship because people see me and try to get me to sing and honestly, I would rather have “I Love H82Seaugo” tattooed on my buttocks than sing a karaoke song. I bet though that next week on BC5 I won’t have a choice when we hold our private Superstar Live event which is of course even worse as its live karaoke with the band. Oh, bugger!

People think I don’t like karaoke because I don’t like music. On the contrary, I don’t like karaoke because I’m a music lover. Granted, there are some people who are genuinely talented but being subjected to a chap who has been enjoying the company of Jack Daniels all night singing some drunken version of Grooves Like Jagger is not my idea of a good night out.

I’ve concluded that karaoke singers collude with each other, ignoring how horrible their mates sound because they fear with good reason that they sound as bad. Me, I know it sounds horrible when I sing, I know that dogs will be howling back in Galveston and I know that my voice sounds as flat as Kate Moss’s chest. I make people vomit when I sing………so I don’t. Yes, occasionally you get some great singers and yet ask the guests and they will tell you that for some rather bizarre reason that they enjoy listening to the bad singers as much as the good ones.

Last night I went to check up on our Karaoke Host Melvin who, by the way, I promoted from photographer to now one of the best karaoke hosts in the fleet. Sure enough, the moment I walked in, I was spotted and guests started to chant my name and one tried to thrust the microphone at me. Making a break for it involved running the gauntlet through overexcited, slightly intoxicated women grabbing at me from every direction…..it was like a zombie movie.

However, now and then, as I said, you do get someone who is simply brilliant and the Musical Director Alan had seen this young man perform at karaoke and so we had to put him in the talent show last cruise. Here then is Ben, age 11, singing Adele’s Rolling In The Deep.

Now there is a young man who has a great voice, a sparkling personality and is going to ruin it all by becoming a cruise director. Still……better than becoming a lawyer.

As some of you know late Saturday night we had a man overboard incident.

Here is what happened as reported on my Facebook page yesterday: It was 10:25 p.m. Elvis was in the building and looked magnificent. He was thin Elvis and I was the fat emcee. There were 1,000 people in the audience and just as I was preparing to go on stage and introduce The King of Rock and Roll, the PA system suddenly shouted, “Bravo Bravo, Port Side,” which all of us crew know is the coded wording for “Man Overboard.” Oh, by the way, I am sure that someone wearing sandals and who will be eating tofu on toast for breakfast will tell me I should say, “Person Overboard” in these PC times, but it’s 6:45am and I have had just four hours sleep so bugger that.

I handed the microphone to my assistant Hennie who was backstage with me and ran to the elevator and luckily it was on the way up which is a good thing because by the time my fat arse had made it up the stairs from deck 3 to the bridge on deck 8, the guests would have heard nothing on the PA system except my labored heaving breathing and not even my wife likes that.

So on the bridge; the well-practiced rescue procedures for man overboard were underway. Details were sketchy and as the brilliant Captain Cutugno began to turn the vessel to head back to where the reported incident had taken place, I knew I had to let the guests know what was happening. The “Bravo Bravo” call had been made through the emergency system so they knew something was happening and I have always felt that information is king…….OK, Elvis is The King but the guests needed to know what was happening. And so I told them what I knew. “Ladies and gentlemen, the announcement you have just heard is that we have a reported man overboard. The captain and crew are now doing what they need to do in order to search and let us hopefully rescue this person. I promise to keep you informed.”

The next 15 minutes were very tense on the bridge as the captain turned this leviathan of a ship as quickly and as safely as he could back to where the man had reportedly gone overboard. While he did that I called the U.S. Coast Guard on my cell phone. This obviously was under the instructions of the captain who asked me to keep them informed. And I did and I want to thank the brilliantly professional petty officer who helped me as I gave our position and details. She informed me that a helicopter would be scrambled immediately to our position.

As the ship finished her turn I think all of us expected the worst because those of us who have been in this position before all knew that it was very rare that these events ever had a happy ending. However, suddenly the huge spotlights that we were using to search the still choppy waters suddenly showed a blinking light in the distance….hold on……..there were two blinking lights. We knew that one of the crew members who had seen this person go into the water had thrown a life ring in and that it would have an emergency beacon but the second light, what was that? I was then told that the person who had gone into the water was allegedly wearing a lifejacket which we all know also has a light on it designed to attract attention in the water and it was doing exactly that.

We were too far still to see if there was a person inside the lifejacket and even with the bridge officer’s powerful binoculars, we just couldn’t tell. The captain gave a precise course and speed and we headed toward the lights. At the same time Captain Cutugno gave the order to lower the portside rescue boat, just above the water level and ready to be deployed.

I made announcement number two explaining to the guests what was happening. What we knew they knew. During all of this, Elvis continued singing and even though half his audience had chosen to watch the rescue rather than listen to his great music and watch his pelvis gyrate, the show went on.

At 10:52 pm the captain ordered the rescue boat into the water and Officer Diego and his crew raced toward the lights. At this point the ship had come to a stop around 300 meters from the lights and remained stopped, the captain using the powerful thrusters to keep us in position. Now all we could do was wait for the rescue boat team to tell us what they found.

There were probably 400 guests or so lining the Deck 5 Lanai and hundreds more on their balconies all looking at what was happening, some looking for that YouTube moment no doubt such is the world we live in.

And we waited.

And then through the static of the radio we heard these words, “We see one person; I repeat we see one person, we will rescue from the water.”

And we waited.

“We have rescued one from the water, one from the water, he is alive, repeat he is alive.”

There was no time to jump for joy, not yet anyway. The captain ordered the rescue boat to return to the ship and for the starboard side shell doors to be opened and the automatic stairs to be lowered to accept the return of the boat and to bring the person back on board as quickly as possible.

Meanwhile, I told the guests and then I phoned my new best friend at the Coast Guard and told her the great news. She canceled the helicopter and shared her good wishes to the captain and crew. Meanwhile the person was brought to the ship and taken immediately to the medical center where he spent the night in the excellent care of our doctors and nurses. I thanked the guests and wished them a good night.

And that was that. I can’t speculate why this crewmember jumped overboard wearing a life jacket but thanks to the brilliant work of the captain and crew last night and that little light on his life jacket, he is alive today. It was quite an evening……all to the soundtrack of Elvis Presley.

I know I posted this on Facebook but what I didn’t say was this. You know, the young crew member is alive today because of the brilliant work of Captain Giovanni Cutugno and his officers and crew. The code for man overboard is “Bravo Bravo” and today I stand up and applaud and shout “Bravo, Bravo” to the captain and crew of the Carnival Magic whose brilliant professionalism saved someone’s life. And it feels great to write that this story has a happy ending and it also feels great to stand up and shout the praises of our Italian captain and his wonderful and dedicated crew.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

But times change and the tuxedo has become an endangered species, replaced by regular business suits. This past elegant night on the Carnival Magic, Calvyn and I set out to see how many we could count. He walked round the dining rooms while I covered the captain’s celebration on Promenade deck, both sittings. Now obviously we didn’t see everyone but out of the many hundreds of guests we did see, it will maybe surprise you that the total number of guests wearing a tuxedo was………..11. Yep just 11.Now you may think that this is specific to the Carnival Magic in Galveston but I assure you it’s not as it was the same when we sailed out of Europe as well. Yep, the tuxedo is slowly becoming the betamax of the fashion world.

Many of you know my feelings on dress code and I really don’t want to drag this up again so that H82Seaugo and her mates can get their John Heald voodoo dolls out and stick some pins in my bottom, but times they are a changing. Back in those days, you couldn’t go anywhere without going home first to get changed. I remember the day when restaurants would turn you away if you weren’t wearing a tie. Gentlemen were required to wear jackets. Look, I know that this is a point of contention for many people but overall I think we have a dress code that is exactly what it should be………..relaxed. Telling guests what to wear is like insisting that all the vegetablists eat a huge steak. If you are a host at a party you are throwing at your house, then it is your duty to make sure that your guests have as nice a time as possible. That means letting them wear and do and eat whatever takes their fancy and during your much needed vacation I think it is absurd to tell our guests what they must wear. Some won’t agree, I’m sure.

So unless you’re George Clooney at the Oscars it appears the tuxedo is out and most of our guests have stopped wearing them on elegant night. And from what I have seen this week the new trend is for guests who do dress elegantly to change after dinner and photos back into casual clothes. The tuxedo looked good but with cummerbunds, cufflinks and a real bow tie to fasten and to position under the triangle collar it was easier to build a nuclear power station then to put one on. I recognise that some people like getting dressed up. I have no problem with this. But I can say from being with Carnival for 26 years that things have changed, they really have and the tuxedo has for the most part been replaced with the business suit and tie.

You know, when I used to go to what were then called discos, you had to wear a suit or you wouldn’t be allowed in. But not anymore. Now you can wear what you like. And judging by what some of the ladies were wearing in the Vibe Dance club last night, it seems …………………. you don’t have to wear much of anything at all.

Let’s crack on, shall we?

Maureen asked:
John,

I just love the new link tab on the Carnival Facebook page. I thoroughly enjoyed reading through the life and times of the cruise directors. I was looking for the Cruise Director Jamie, that we had on the Carnival Sensation Oct 9-13, 2011, but didn’t see her picture or bio listed there. She was fabulous! And we enjoyed her as cruise director. We hope to have her as cruise director on another cruise in the future.

John says:
Hello Maureen

Thanks for those kind words. Jaime is as of tomorrow on Carnival Legend and will eventually head to the Carnival Liberty as CD. I saw her yesterday in Freeport and she looks great and is definitely an asset to Carnival. Thanks again for the kind words and I hope all is well with you.

Best wishes.

John

Jennifer Reiss asked:

Your blog today contained a letter from someone who was on the same cruise as me on the Carnival Fantasy. She wrote how disturbed she was that during a night of entertainment Carnival decided to allow three passengers to sing religious songs on stage. I agree, it is disgusting and in this day and age I am shocked that Carnival allows this to happen. Please explain why on a fun cruise ship as Carnival proclaims to be is this allowed. Religious songs must be banned as you have a multi-cultural multi or no faith audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello Jennifer Reiss

I am sorry for the long delay in my reply to your question but I really am so far behind in my blog questions. The talent show is a feature on some ships and we allow guests to entertain their fellow guests. There are guidelines which include no comedians or songs with bad language etc but respectfully, do you honestly expect us to ban religious songs? I mean, what’s next? I do hope despite this that you had a great cruise and thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Terri Jo Kesar asked:

Carnival needs to enforce its rules on dress code because on our relocation cruise on Carnival Paradise was marred by many passengers dressing in jeans and T-shirts at dinner including formal night and our dining room experience was spoiled by the crew allowing this to happen. Another sign of Carnival’s slipping standards. My DH and I are VIP platinum guests and this was cruise number 17.

John says:
Terri Jo

I know many guests still like to dress up because that chance doesn’t come around much for many and it’s great that we give you the choice but comments like this one genuinely baffle me. Why would you worry about what someone else is wearing while you’re eating dinner? I am sorry Terri Jo, I do hope you had a great cruise through the canal and truly value you as a Carnival guest but honestly, I don’t get it.

Best wishes.

John

Martha Beaudry asked:

I just returned from a cruise aboard the Carnival Triumph (11/12 – 11/17). I loved our cruise director, Tex. At first, I thought he was a little annoying but he really grew on me and I looked forward to his daily announcements. The dance he made up of the different movements (wash the dog, shopping, mow the lawn and the sprinkler etc.) was absolutely hilarious. I also, want to recognize Cassie as well. She was a lot of fun.

John says:
Hello Martha Beaudry

Well that’s two in today’s Q&A for the cruise directors and that’s great news indeed. I shall make sure Tex and Cassie see how much you enjoyed them and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Best wishes.

John

Gold Member (4) asked:
HI,

I am NOT complaining at any type I’m just suggesting! I’ve been on four Carnival cruises, and on each one there has been a lack of chicken wings! That’s it! Love Carnival, everything is great: food, entertainment, trivia’s, and youth programs! Thanks for reading.

John says:
Hello Gold Member (4)

If only other questions were as simple to answer as this. I will pass your comments to the beards and I should mention that we now serve complimentary chicken wings at the EA Sports Bar on the Carnival Liberty and will on other ships as they get their 2.0 upgrades. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Bracali asked:
Brand Ambassador.

I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and am fascinated by how a company like Carnival Cruise Lines allows you to get away with such a blog as this. You do seem to have the ear of the higher ups so I wanted you know that in my opinion Carnival wants to keep growing and enticing its customer base to return to Carnival then it must hire better workers. The experience that my family and I had on the Carnival Splendor was one of lack of English from the officers in white uniforms to the cabin boy who when asked for something would smile and nod and then not bring or do what he was asked. You must realize that if the workers don’t understand the customers’ requests then how can you offer good customer service? Answer is that you cannot. I spoke with many on that cruise and each one agreed that the language barrier made this cruise a forgettable one at best and a massive annoyance and disappointment at worst. I suggest that as the ambassador you act on this now.

John says:
Hello Paul Bracali

Thanks for taking the time to write and I do hope you had a great cruise despite your concerns. I am though going to have to say that I disagree with you because our crew all have to pass an English exam before being placed in guest service positions and while it may not be their first language and although they may speak with a heavy accent, they understand your requests and are able to provide brilliant customer service. I am therefore so shocked to see this comment. You may have spoken to those on that cruise who you say agreed with you but respectfully I will say that your comment is a rare one. I will though pass this to the ship’s senior management as you requested and I hope you will return to Carnival again where I promise we will give you the best value for money cruise vacation in the industry.

Best wishes.

John

Angela Henkel asked:

I have been on six Carnival cruises and it seems that the more that I am on, the worse location I get in the dining room. I look forward to every aspect of the cruise including dining and this is becoming very disappointing. I was told during my sixth cruise that if I am unhappy with my location, I can speak to the maitre´ d, which I did and all I accomplished was upsetting her and she made it very clear to me. While this was my sixth cruise (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) it was my father’s first and I was anxious for him to have a good time and be able to see the waiters sing and dance and want to cruise again. She moved us, it was still a terrible location and we could not see anything. So, why is it that as I cruise more am I getting worse locations in the dining room?

John says:
Hello Angela Henkel

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done. In truth it’s based on demographics, groups and other factors but not who has cruised the most. I think the maitre d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and regardless of where you are seated that you will receive good food and brilliant service. I am guessing that you wish to be based at the centre of the dining room which a few guests do feel are the best tables and if that’s the case let me know next time you cruise and I will do my best to assist you. Thanks for your loyalty and hope we see you again very soon.

Best wishes

John

Dean asked:
John,

This may get a little long, but I wanted to make sure and call out everything and everyone on the Carnival Freedom that made our cruise the best yet. We sailed on 11/19, and are dealing with our first full day back home (including some serious withdrawal). Before I started forgetting things, I wanted to write up some feedback.

First, the eight-day western Caribbean is a perfect itinerary. The perfect mix of sea days and ports to keep a busy family relaxed. The only thing we wished is that it had an extra day to stop by Cozumel again on the way home between the two sea days for some extra beach time.

Next, on to the staff. I’ve never understood some forum comments I’ve seen people make in the past where they’d indicate a cruise director either made or ruined their cruise. In my opinion, I’m the only one who can make my cruise good or bad, since it is after all, my cruise. After being on the Carnival Freedom last week, I now get what they’re saying (in a good way). Brad was simply outstanding and definitely made our time on the ship better. I couldn’t tell you the name of any CD we’ve had on past ships (various lines), but I have no doubt we’ll remember Brad. The guy has the perfect personality for this job, and is absolutely hilarious (or “almost a comedian” as some lady at the Q&A put it, which she meant as a compliment). Carnival should do whatever they can to keep him, and as you can tell, we can’t say enough good stuff about him.

Frankly, his entertainment staff is great, too. We played trivia several times, and Chelsea was awesome. She was always smiling, and incredibly friendly. In case she sees this, we’d like to give her a shout out from the Crusin’ Cats. We had a blast coming back from wwaaayyy behind to win super trivia on the last day!

Moving on, our wait staff in the Posh dining room, headed by Ashwin, was excellent. He’s a very personable guy, and did a great job, even with some of the others at our table disappearing on him. We wish him a safe and relaxing trip home when he gets off the ship in a few days.
Great DR + great table next to the aft windows + great staff = excellent dining experience. Not sure how we pulled that outstanding table location, but we loved it. I’d also like to add that our visit to the steak house was excellent. The filet was perfect (far better than the filet served in the DR ), and Polina was very friendly and handled some changes to our steakhouse reservations before we sailed very quickly. Hope she enjoys her time off.

Overall, Carnival has come a long way since we last sailed with them in 2004, and as mentioned, this turned in to our best cruise to date. A very big thank you to everyone on the ship for a wonderful vacation!

Dean

PS – To the dancer who did the Austin Powers themed dance class, it was awesome, but you should add a flash mob element to it. After you teach the class the dance, send them up nonchalantly to Lido and Panorama to surround the pool, and once everyone is up there fire up the music and start dancing. It’d be awesome!

John says:
Hello Dean

What an absolutely fantastic review and I am so glad you mentioned Brad who is everything you said he is. The Carnival Freedom is top of the fleet in ratings as per the guest review cards and your review sums up exactly why. I have sent your words of praise to the ship and the beards and I hope we will see you again soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Lori De Granger asked:
John –

You mentioned that Carnival has no religious services on board their boats so how can you state you are a family cruise line. I was researching the possibilities of doing a cruise and read your blog and when I saw that you had no services I was horrified and bitterly disappointed. It’s back to Branson, Missouri, for us.

John says:
Hello Lorri De Granger

That’s two very different comments today about religion. Every now and then I have to simply say that cruising isn’t for everyone and if religious services during the cruise is a deciding factor whether you book with Carnival then this is one of those occasions. I wish you and your family a wonderful vacation wherever you spend it and if you think there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Frank Perez asked:

I have read various comments about past guest parties, but after nine sailings on Carnival, I have never been invited to one. How come?

John says:
Hello Frank Perez

I am flabbergasted by this. I really am You should have received written invitations in your stateroom since cruise number two. I sincerely apologise and will look into this right now for you and someone will be in touch.

Best wishes.

John

Simon Haviland asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I need a table for two because of my wife’s speech impediment which she is very embarrassed about. We are on Dream Marc 3, 2012 in cabin 8292.

Simon and Martha Haviland

John says:
Hello Simon Haviland

I will certainly ask the maitre d to assist you with this and I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

John

Keith Wilkins asked:
John,

Just wondering if you will be the cruise director on the inaugural cruise of the Carnival Breeze out of Miami. We were on the inaugural of the Carnival Magic out of Galveston and were a little disappointed that you were not the CD on that trip, although we were happy to see you out and about on the ship. We had a great time on the cruise, especially the Trivia/Canada trivia with Calvin. I think the wife (Trina) would be his groupie if we weren’t in the 29+++++++ age group. So I guess her question would be, is Calvin going to be on the Carnival Breeze for the inaugural out of Miami. And by the way, thank you for the strawberries you sent us for our anniversary. It was like seed faith for an evangelist; Trina had to have them every day for the rest of the cruise. Whatever keeps mama happy is a good thing.

Thanks again, Cheers

John says:
Hello Keith Wilkins

Brilliant post because that describes Calvyn so much, He is funny and so talented and we will be hosting shows together when we see you on the Carnival Breeze. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise and see you both soon.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s all for today, many thanks for all the questions and comments.

And as promised I will continue with my recap of the ports that the Carnival Legend will visit on her Baltic cruises and today we talk about the jewel in the Baltic itinerary which is of course St. Petersburg — the one in Russia, not Florida.

The excursions we will offer in 2013 will be simply the best and remember to pass through Russian immigration you must have booked a private excursion and have proof of this with you or, as most guests do book an excursion onboard. You will not be able to get past the men with frying pan hats on and who have the sense of humour of a dead slug if you don’t. You cannot just go ashore on your own, it’s not allowed. The end.

Priority will be given to guests on a Carnival purchased excursion who will leave the ship first in this port. Just an FYI for now. Basically, St. Petersburg is the best port of call, by a long way. There is no city like it and the Carnival Legend will be your time machine. We will take you back to the days of the tsars and tsarinas and WWII when, under its old name of Leningrad, the city was under siege for two years and over a million people died………..mostly from starvation.

Then the remnants of the days of Lenin, Stalin and the one with the funny oil patch on his head will be up close and personal as the last throws of communism will be there for all to see. This comes as you drive through the suburbs past the old cars and faceless grey buildings where some people still have to queue for a loaf of bread. You see, Russia is often a land of the haves and the have nots, although there seem to be quite a few haves these days. You can see them everywhere stepping out of their big Mercedes and Rolls Royce Phantoms under the watchful eyes of ex-KGB bodyguards with no necks and who have tattoos of a bloody axe on their forehead and who talk mysteriously into their arms. The amount of cash washing around Russia these days is astronomical, inconceivable even. On the all day tours lunch and dinner is included and the restaurants we visited when I was there with Carnival Splendor in St. Petersburg are quite gaudy, with more camp and flash than Richard Simmons’ shorts and designed by top Russian architect Joseph Farcusov.

The ship organized tours of seven or more hours will feature lunch in restaurants oozing with gold ornaments and massive sterling silver cutlery. You will be welcomed with a glass of vodka which you should drink in one shot……..not doing so is considered rude. Then and still before any food is served, you are given a glass of Russian champagne. Your guide will make a toast and again she will explain that Russian tradition states that you must drink this glass again …..….in one long gulp.

So you have had a shot of vodka and a huge glass of champagne all in five minutes. The reason they do this is because the food is crap. Of course, I am joking. The food was surprisingly excellent.

So, what tour should you take? What should you see? Well, the most popular excursion on the Carnival Splendor will also be offered in 2012 on the Carnival Legend. It’s called the Grand Tour and it certainly lives up to its name. I remember that 1,000 people took this excursion each and every time we sailed into the port. This is the best of everything and over the two days you will visit most of the major sites. This still allows time in the evening to take in an evening concert at Catherine Palace with dinner in Pushkin or our most popular tour …… sitting in the national theatre watching the very thin women and men with pieces of fruit shoved down the front of their tights….or to give them their proper name……The St. Petersburg National Ballet Company perform……Swan Lake…it’s truly incomparable.

However you mix your tours you must see the top five which are:

THE HERMITAGE MUSEUM – The Hermitage used to be the palace of the tsars and now it contains possibly the greatest collection of paintings, jewelry, statues and rare items from all over the world. Everywhere you turn there are moments of “wow” and “Oh my goodness look at that!” There are even stronger emotions when you enter the Throne Room from where the tsars ruled Russia. There are paintings by Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Monet and in the Gold Room, a collection of precious stone objects that are quite simply indescribable. They say that if you were to stop and look at every artifact in the Hermitage for just three minutes…….it would take you a year to see everything.

And, of course, you must see Catherine’s Palace, the fountains and palace at Peterhof, and the Peter and Paul Fortress. Then at night we have excursions to the folkloric shows, a private dinner and performance at Catherine Palace and, of course, a chance to see Swan Lake performed by the Russian Ballet Company………..amazing.

All of the above is what makes St. Petersburg a must on your bucket list. St. Petersburg is a living version of a Tom Clancy novel and I absolutely loved it. The city is as intense as putting Ben-Gay on your thingy and the grayness is everywhere, even the stray dogs that nibble on the left over grey food……. are grey. I was talking with Ken here on Carnival Magic and we both said that St. Petersburg is a place anyone who visits …..will never forget.

OK, let’s jump back into the Delorean and go back in time to 2008 when a much fatter me made this video.

So as you saw yesterday Carnival Destiny is doing a trans-Atlantic crossing that ends in Europe. What happens after that will be announced in the weeks ahead. The trans-Atlantic crossing is exciting news for those who wanted new and varied ports of call, that’s for sure.

In two days time I will be cruise director and providing the swamp fever I have at the moment doesn’t kill me then I will be ready to get out on stage and share with you the stories of life onboard. Stories like this one from today’s incident report.

CABIN………
NAME: Mrs.…….
REF: 171140A809
Guest called the GSD and stated that she was upset because she had been sitting at the same slot machine in the casino for 40 minutes and did not win. She left to go to the bathroom and came back and another guest was playing and won $450. Mrs. _________ says she left her drink at the side of the machine to reserve it and that the win should be hers. Casino manager contacted guest. Nothing further.

I don’t know about you but I do feel sorry for the guest as that was one very expensive pee.
OK, that’s me done for today as I am not feeling well and blogging with a cold is as difficult as translating the words “personal hygiene” into French.

I will be on Facebook over the weekend and then reporting from the CD chair here on the blog on Monday when I will also be reunited with my stateroom steward Ketut who for some weird reason has asked for a transfer to another ship. I wonder why?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

This has as I mentioned gotten me thinking about Kye and what she might say as she grows older. I can imagine her asking Heidi “Mama, what is Latvian Bottoms magazine and why are there 27 copies of it in Dadda’s computer bag?” “Why are you older than other Daddies?”; “What’s rumpy pumpy?”; “Is it OK that I told Alice’s mummy you said she wore too much lipstick and had a huge bottom?”

Obviously there are some questions which are impossible to answer: “Who signed off on building the Norwegian Epic” and “When will our new loyalty program be released?” My favourite though belongs to my mate Alan’s son. Alan and his wife Alison had bought him two goldfish which he loved……for about 10 minutes….and then forgot. The fish were then the responsibility of the parents and that did not make them very happy and they were referred to using very colourful metaphors. Anyway, a few months later his grandmother came to visit and asked Alan and Alison’s seven-year-old son what the names of his fish were. Obviously his immediate thought went to what his parents had called them over and over again and so obviously his reply to 84-year-old grandmother was………… “f****g fish.”

Time for today’s Q and A………..lets crack on.

Mel F asked:
John.

My mother and I sailed recently on the Carnival Freedom and the service in the dining room left a lot to be desired. We had ordered Kosher meals ahead of time and yet the waiters seemed untrained in how to serve them and what to do. At first we were given PAPER KNIFE AND FORKS and the food itself was bland and of a cafeteria standard. We won’t be sailing again with you if this is how you treat your customers.

John says:
Hello Mel F

I am so sorry that this happened. I spoke to Ken, the maitre d here on the Carnival Magic, and he told me that there are sometimes guests who ask for Kosher meals also request plastic cutlery. Obviously you didn’t and we should have asked ahead of time obviously. I have sent a note to the office regarding your comments on the Kosher meals and I am sure we will strive to do better. I also hope that you will look back at the fun you had on the cruise and that you will indeed join us again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Vicki Hart asked:
John,

You may recall having heard from me before. My husband and I were to sail the Carnival Dream in February 2012. Due to his diagnosis of cancer we changed our trip to Oct. 15, 2011. Sadly he passed on Oct. 5 and that trip never happened. I had written to you a few times and you were helping me to make his last trip special for him. Thank you for your kindness during that time. Don wanted to take our adult daughters on their first cruise to introduce them to the joys of cruising. Since he never got that opportunity I have decided to honor the anniversary of his death by taking the girls on a cruise in October 2012. We will be sailing the Carnival Elation out of New Orleans. Would it be possible for you to arrange for us to be seated somewhere in the middle of the dining room? We will be on the ship for the anniversary of their father’s passing. I just want to make this trip as special as I can. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do!

John says:
Hello Vicki Hart

I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sure this cruise will be one full of mixed emotions. However, if I may be so bold to say, I think it’s brilliant that you are taking the family as per his wishes and to honour your husband’s life. May I please ask that one month before you sail you contact me here on the blog again marking your post time sensitive or indeed do so on Facebook and I will make sure we look after you? I will be thinking of you all and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes and deepest sympathies.

John

Diane Blissett asked:

I agree with others who said today that your language and sexual innuendos have no place here and that Carnival should reconsider your position as brand ambassador but I guess looking at it I should have expected nothing else from Carnival as I am still awaiting resolution to my complaints from my Carnival Valor cruise of November. Lurid language and sexual references may be OK for some but for many it is an immediate turn off and that reflects badly on Carnival. I read this blog to get information about the Carnival Breeze. Even though I am not interested in your bowel movements, farting, or your opinions of non-smokers, I put up with it to keep up with a ship that I’ll be on. Your humor is enjoyed by far less than you probably realize. I mentioned the Carnival Breeze, when the ship stays over the night in Rome is there anything to do next to the ship or in walking distance?

John says:
Hello Diane Blissett

Let’s start with the answer to your question. The ship docks in Civitavecchia and there is a free shuttle bus that runs until midnight into the town where there are loads of restaurants and a beautiful promenade but there is nothing next to the ship. Let me know please if you have any other questions. I am sorry if my cheekiness and sometimes candid way of writing is not for you. I happen to think British humor is some of the finest in the world but then I would I guess being British. I am sorry you had concerns in November on the Carnival Valor and I will investigate your comments and ask a colleague to contact you. I do tend to use bad language and that’s always been the case. You know, I thought my wife had a nervous tic but apparently she really did want me to “p**s off.” Just a little bit of British humor there for you. I’m sure you’re not laughing though…..oh bugger. Seriously, thanks for writing and I will look into your concerns for you.

Best wishes.

John

Marc W asked:
John.

I understand that you are the person to write to about my cruise experience. I should say that I am a frequent cruiser with 25-plus with all the major lines and this cruise was far from perfect. The buffet upstairs was hit and miss. Sometimes it was good and sometimes pretty bad. We didn’t know whether the food we chose would be hot, lukewarm or cold. I liked the layout but not the delivery. I saw a stir fry station with all the ingredients but no stir fry cook. I stood there but no one seemed interested in helping me. One night we got the meat balls, which were excellent. The next time we went there my husband said the meatballs were like they were just taken out of the refrigerator. If we wanted hot food at breakfast we had to stand in line and order our eggs specially cooked. After a few days, we gave up on the buffet. The dining room at lunch — we tried this one day. The service was so bad that the table of two next to us left before ordering because they had waited so long just to be waited on. It took over an hour to receive our lunch. I had told my husband they had another five minutes before I walked. The waiter finally told us that it was the kitchen’s fault. They didn’t expect so many to eat there that day. In the dining room, we really enjoyed the service. The waiter and his assistant were excellent. I would describe the food as passable. Example: I ordered Mom’s pork chop, chef’s recommendation. It was a pork chop that was coated with shake n bake with a sweet sauce. You never knew what exactly you would be getting. Since I had already had an appetizer and a soup, it was no big deal. I will give the sous chef high marks. The soups were always excellent. Please take this seriously sir as I do know cruising better than most and hope that you will improve by the next time I choose to cruise with your line.

Marc W

John says:
Hello Marc Warsi

Please excuse me if I am being a bit thick here but I have read your post twice and I can’t for the life of me work out what ship you were on. The only reference is the pork chop you described which I am not familiar with. We do have a Mongolian Wok and yet there are always people serving food there so again I am not sure to what you are referring to. Please can you send me more details so I can help you because I really do want to know what ship you were on so we can take a closer look. Thinking about it I don’t think we serve meatballs on Lido either……..do we? Anyway, let me know and regardless I am so sorry your experience left you feeling less than pleased.

Best wishes.

John

Johnny Byrd asked:
John,

I guess you don’t have an answer for the questions I ask you about. I sent you questions about VIP guests where we stood in a line waiting on baggage for about three an hour to an hour and a half. I guess nobody cares at Carnival about their VIP people.

John says:
Hello Johnny Byrd

We absolutely do care and I am sorry that I haven’t replied yet to you as I don’t think I can remember seeing anything from you until now. Please can you let me know more details so I can look into this for you because we need to see where we slipped up. We have a new loyalty program due soon which I hope will prove even more just how much we do care about our VIP guests.

Best wishes and sorry for the late reply.

John

Gary Gorman asked:
John -

My family and I just returned from a wonderful cruise aboard the Carnival Spirit. We sailed on Nov. 13 for a five-day cruise to Cabo San Lucas. All together there were 23 of us on the cruise and we had a wonderful time. However, I have one small complaint but I also want to commend the maître d’ on the Carnival Spirit for his wonderful job of handling our problem.

Most of our family booked the cruise using the group booking number. A few of our family chose not to do that, and booked separately. We all did want to dine together, so as the group coordinator, I called Carnival’s group department on a few occasions, and spoke with someone about making sure that all of us were seated together. I did this each time someone booked without using the group number. Each time I was assured they would take care of linking their booking to the rest of us for meals. Well, we boarded, and started chatting and discovered that we were scattered over several tables with the exception of those that booked as part of the group. At first I thought maybe we were all together in the dining room, but soon discovered that was not the case. I contacted the maître d’ and spoke with him about the situation. This is where the story really gets good. He managed to move people around and by the second night, we were all sitting at two tables, side by side! I was absolutely amazed at what a great job he did of fixing what could have been a very vexing problem for us. Kudos and thanks to the wonderful dining staff of the Carnival Spirit!!! And a little bit of a pffffft towards the group booking folks.

Thanks for listening to my tale and I hope you can tell me what I could have done better to assure this won’t happened next time. And there will be a next time.

John says:
Hello Gary Gorman

A tale with a sort of a happy ending and that’s just what I needed to hear as today’s Q&A has been a bit……ummmm…..bumpy. It does look like we dropped the ball here though and I will make sure the right people know this. However, equally important I will let the beards know that the maitre d turned the situation around and that’s just wonderful to read. Thanks for telling me and if you ever need help with dining arrangements for your next cruise please do let me know.
I hope you had a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Richard Glash asked:

I would like to know what happened to Chris Jefferson? He was the cruise director on the Carnival Conquest. If you have any information let me know.

Thank you.

Richard Glash

John says:
Hello Richard Glash

Chris retired two years ago and we all miss him. His wife gave birth to a baby daughter last year and they are all together living in the UK. Thanks for asking, that was very kind.

Best wishes.

John

Trudy asked:

We are cruising with you guys on the Carnival Fascination ship 2/27 for our Washington High School in Atlanta, Georgia class of 1971 reunion. We are in cabins R53, R55, R79 and M11 and wondered how we claim our free gift.

John says:
Hello Trudy

I am not sure what free gift you are referring to but if you are asking if I can send something to you to help celebrate your reunion then I am sure I can find something for you to share. Have a great time and hope you have loads of fun.

Best wishes.

John

Nathan Derringer asked:
Dear John (Please Reply),

I will be on a cruise for the first time with Carnival on the beautiful Carnival Spirit to Alaska. I will be joined by my wife and eight-year-old son, Nathan Jr. He has a morbid fear of mascots and after weeks of worry and various tests it was discovered he suffers from coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I have read that you have a mascot on the ship and seen photos of it and it will for sure make my son so upset and maybe as has happened before he will actually faint. How can I make sure that the mascot is not on the ship for that cruise? Please help. Thank you on behalf of worried parents.

John says:
Hello Nathan Derringer

I am so glad you have written to me and seeing that you are sailing to Alaska means we have some time to sort this out. I am going to look up your sailing date and make sure that when you arrive the youth director who runs Camp Carnival will place in your stateroom a schedule of when Fun Ship Freddy is due to appear. There won’t be any random appearances, just what’s on the schedule so you will know not to have Nathan Jr. there. You are not the first to worry about this, in fact I am sure there are blog readers who will be posting their thoughts about this below as they have had similar concerns. Please don’t worry, all will be well and I will make sure of that and be in touch before you sail.

Best wishes.

John

And that’s your lot for today. So the big news yesterday was of course Carnival Legend and her European tour in 2013 and in case you didn’t get to see the news yesterday, here it is again.

http://carnival-news.com/2012/02/14/carnival-legend-to-operate-wide-array-of-exciting-european-cruises-in-2013-including-lines-first-extended-program-from-uk-3/

She has been to Europe before of course when in 2002 we sailed to the Baltic and round the British Isles and it was truly amazing. Now over the next few weeks I will be highlighting some of the brilliant places that we call at and let’s start with our return to the Baltic which I know so many of you are excited about.

One of the highlights will be Warnemunde where Kye was created during five minutes of das rumpy von pumpy. Seriously, Germany has a history and one that it is keen to open its doors to and ask you in. And, of course, for the best view of this country’s history that affected most of the world………you have to go to Berlin. Carnival Legend will have private trains to take you to Berlin and from experience I can tell you it’s a must see city. The whole city is packed with culture, history and attractions. The transparent dome of the Reichstag, and the Platz der Republik, architecture at its best, the views are incredible every which way you look.

You can gaze down into the debating chamber of the German parliament; across the void to the ingenious double walkways that spiral to the summit; or out onto the Brandenburg Gate and across the vast Tiergarten Park to the Kurfürstendamm. I got to stand where the Berlin Wall stood and where parts of this hated symbol of a divided Europe still stand. To see the Checkpoint Charlie museum, near the former East-West crossing point, which chronicles the many daring escape attempts and the blood spilled.

There is, of course, a place that we give you the chance to visit that will change your life …….. here is what I wrote in 2008 when I visited somewhere I will never forget. “As I sit here on the bus for the three-hour ride to Warnemunde, I only have thoughts for the place I just came from ………Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp. We walked as the prisoners did up to the huge foreboding iron gates that have the feared insignia of the SS on either side and in the middle the words ‘Arbeit Macht Frei,’ which translates to ‘Work Will Give You Freedom.’ Nothing was further than the truth as this was the place where 50,000 Jews, Russian soldiers and anyone who did not fit Hitler’s ‘Kampf’ died. We listened to the stories from our expert guide about the torture and we visited the cells and chambers where these acts were carried out. Then there were the stories about the children…oh, the children…I cannot even bring myself to write the words.”

I thought I would share a video with you of Germany and my time there on the Carnival Splendor. Now you have to remember this was filmed some years ago and long before Peter the Hair and Jay The Recently Married got their hands on me and tried to mould me into a cross between Andersen Cooper and Wolf Blister. Things were different back then, the logo has changed of course and so has the production value. Myself and Heidi and the shore excursion team went on location to film some Travel Channel-style video footage which we play on the guest televisions. When I say Travel Channel…well……it was a little different. They have huge teams of cameraman, sound engineers, make-up artists and beautiful women supplying the host with anything he needs.….we had a bloke……who was cameraman, soundman and supplied me the host…….with bugger all. As for makeup….well…I refused to wear any and would rather tie a piece of old cheese to my thingy and have H82Seaugo put a starved rat down my underpants ………. than wear mascara and foundation.

The videos were also shot in early March which is why it may look a bit grey and wet on occasion. Remember when you will be on the Carnival Legend the weather will be different but the excursions and the places featured here will be the same and our brilliant excursion program will offer you a chance to see places like this.

Our shoreside excursion team will start work on the excursions and get them ready and available ASAP and I will keep you informed. Tomorrow we will talk about St. Petersburg and that is a city that should be on everyone’s bucket list and we haven’t even mentioned the Norwegian fjords. Have you booked yet?

You know, the way public debate is now conducted, there is nobody who is safe from public mockery and ridicule and I have finally come to the realisation that I am included in that. I am the first to publicly ridicule myself and along the way have upset Al Gore supporters, loads of Cruise Critic members, other cruise line executives, environmentalists, Diane Blissett and, of course, the French. There are one or two people who seem to take great pleasure in sending me snippets from other cruise pages and most of the time I delete without being read but one caught my eye yesterday because it was very funny. It simply said “Carnival has chosen Eliza Doolittle as their Brand Ambassador” and as I read that I laughed out loud because in a way………they are absolutely correct……they did.

I don’t think my language is that bad is it? I don’t swear that much in writing or in real life, I really don’t. Swearing is bad and any children reading this please do not listen to Uncle John’s ranting and use of colourful metaphors. It isn’t easy to swear well though. We should celebrate those who swear well. Genius swearers, in my book, include John Cleese, Billy Connelly, Ricky Gervais, Richard Pryor, Ray Winstone a brilliant British actor and the undisputed king of swearing ……….Tony Soprano.

By the way, did you know there is a village in Austria called “F**k”………….The “Welcommen Zu F**k” sign has apparently been stolen many many times………….sorry Diane.

Well tomorrow is Thursday and be sure and check my Facebook page when we have some interesting and exciting news indeed.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

It’s the start of the New Year and that means celebrities and the rich and tanned journey to places like St. Barts, St. Kitts and St. Martin to detox the excesses of the holiday season. Detox my arse! Look, I know I am as thick as the Chinese phone book but I do remember a few things from Mr. Reynold’s biology class at school. I remember he would throw the chalkboard duster at people who weren’t paying attention and that he had breath straight from Satan’s armpit. And I also remember him explaining to class 2B that the human body will detox on its own without the need for drinking elderberry juice and eating weeds for a week.

It’s not just the George Pitts and the Megan Jolies who are doing it but normal people as well. Here in the UK the magazines and TV is full of the stuff telling us that their miracle digestive body cleaners are the only thing that can save us. Too much turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie and festive vodka cheer? Try Doctor Ben Dover’s 48-hour detox pill. 100% natural and composed of grated yak testicles and hamster droppings it is guaranteed to cleanse your body, mind and soul. Only $190 for 12 pills.

I am fat and ugly, I know that and I am not so thick that I am not aware that eating a bowl of sunflower seeds is far more healthy than eating a huge bowl of nachos smothered in cheese and guacamole. But doesn’t your body excrete waste in exactly the same way out the same area whether you’re eating a salad or a bucket of KFC? Detoxing yourself just a fancy posh word for doing a number two? If that’s the case take a few laxative pills and that’s a huge saving of money there and the result is exactly the same in fact add a huge bowl of prunes for breakfast and that detox will happen even quicker.

Time for today’s Q and A……off we go.

Vince H asked:
John,

Why does Carnival do nothing for police officers? I have been a serving police officer for 18 years and have cruised two times in the last two years both with you guys. I learned that Carnival gives heavily discounted cruises for military personnel but nothing for police officers. We deserve it and Carnival doesn’t do anything. If military get it so should we!

John says:
Hello Vince H,

First of all I do respect so very much the wonderful work all police officers do and understand the stress and danger that comes with the uniform. You do bring up an interesting point and I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate folks here at Carnival. So thanks for the work you do and thank you for cruising with us. Please make sure you tell me the next time you cruise so I can send you something to say thank you.

Best wishes,

John

Bethany Westwood asked:
Dear John,

I will start by saying how awful Carnival’s iced tea is and you should be ashamed to sail from Charleston and serve it to us southerners. It may be OK for them damn Yankees but I was disgusted when I tried it on my first Carnival experience on the Carnival Fantasy last month. It was also difficult to understand the crew who didn’t speak English and I had to repeat myself over and over again to the folks in the dining room. The food was OK and the shows were good but the lack of English and the fact that the ship was sailing from the south but did nothing for southerners will stop me going on this boat again.

John says:
Hello Bethany Westwood,

I am sorry to read that you didn’t like the iced tea. I have to admit that to me tea should be hot and served in a mug not cold and in a glass with ice. However, I will pass this onto the chef as obviously you know what you are talking about being from the South. The crew does speak English and have to in fact according to US Coast Guard and Carnival’s own regulations so I was very surprised to read this but apologise none the same for you having to “repeat yourself over and over again” although this could have been the ice tea………sorry, stupid humour there. I will seriously let the ship know your thoughts. I also hope that when you look back at your cruise you will see that you enjoyed the food and the entertainment and that overall you had fun and that this will have you back with us again soon.

Best wishes

John

James and Sandy McBurney asked:
John,

If you award an employee of the year a trophy it should go to our waitress Martina from the Magic Trans-Atlantic cruise. My wife and me have been on 19 cruises and are Platinum with Carnival and Martin was the tops. Her smile and her friendliness and her patience in the face of two of the rudest passengers I have ever seen was something that made me very angry. They shouted at her, clicked their fingers and one night argued that the steak was badly cooked and threw it on the floor at her feet. I kid you not. They were at the table for two next to ours and had complaints every night. I was embarrassed and at the end of the cruise I told them how pitiful they were. Martina stayed professional throughout and for that she deserves my nomination for employee of the year.

John says:
Hello James and Sandy McBurney,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. As you may know I visited the ship in Freeport during the trans-Atlantic and had heard about this couple from the maitre d and another guest as well. I won’t comment on them or their behavior but I will say that Martina, who I know very well, deserves so much for having to put up with behavior like that. It’s no surprise that she did though as I think it’s safe to say she is one of our star performers week in and week out. Thanks to you both though for taking the time to write and for those glowing words of praise that I promise both Martina and her supervisors will see. Thank you also for your loyalty and I hope we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Dr. Deany Cheramie asked:

Just completed a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy from Oct 22 to Oct 27. I found the experience a bit below the quality I usually receive on a Carnival cruise. The Serenity Deck was marvelous; it was wonderful not having to share a hot tub with kids and their floaties. The food on the Lido deck in the Panorama Bar and Grill was very good. I especially liked the pizza and the Rotisserie. However, there were issues with the air conditioning and HVAC systems. While my stateroom was mostly fine (we were port side forward Riviera deck), other guests shared that they had plumbing issues (flooding) and had to change staterooms. I also experienced issues with the team. The ceiling in the bathroom in my stateroom was covered in mold. I did tell housekeeping about it and it was cleaned immediately. My room steward Teo apologized profusely and said it was because his assistants were not doing their jobs. The plumbing issues continued throughout our trip. In the early mornings I would hear a “bubbling” sound from the bathroom then there would be a sewer smell in the bathroom throughout the morning. This issue was not resolved until our final sea day. Also, I found the quality of food in the dining room was a bit off. Presentation was definitely lacking — food would be shifted all over the plate. We had one rough night at sea fleeing in front of Hurricane Rina, but this occurred every night. Also, there did not seem to be enough servers. Our wait between courses seemed longer than usual. The wait staff always seemed rushed and did not interact with the guests very much or participate in the music and dancing with any enthusiasm. I am looking forward to having the Carnival Conquest back in New Orleans. Carnival Triumph and Carnival Conquest are two of my favorite ships, and I have always enjoyed my experiences on these ships.

John says:
Hello Dr. Cheramie,

You know yesterday I was accused by someone of being a “corporate puppet” and only posting the good stuff and what the beards tell me which of course is nonsense. I have always said right from the start of this blog that the day I am told what to write will be the day I stop. Anyway, with that in mind I read your post with so much disappointment as obviously we have some work to do here. I truly appreciate you telling me and I promise the beards will as well because not everything we do is perfect as this shows and its only through reports like this that we will stay at the top of the cruise industry tree. My apologies, Doctor, and I promise we will improve.
I do hope that overall you had fun though.

Best wishes.

John

Derek Vogel asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on cruise number five on 1/29/12. Joining us will be our daughter who has won a full scholarship to Stanford and therefore I think she deserves special recognition. Could the captain or cruise director bring her on stage and present her with a prize because it would be great. We read your blog everyday! Our cabin number is 6310 on the Carnival Victory.

John says:
Hello Derek Vogel,

I have to be honest and say I asked Uncle Google what Stanford was and it seems a very prestigious school indeed. I have asked Karl with a K the CD to mention her live on his morning show and I will also send her something as well. I am sure you must be very proud of her and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Carol asked:

John,

I will be sailing on the Carnival Pride from Baltimore at the end of January 2012. How can we find out who the entertainment will be during that time? Thank you so much for your time.

John says:
Hello Carol,

Here is the entertainment lineup for the last cruise of January on the Carnival Pride. I hope this is the cruise you are on. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have a great time.

John

Sun, Jan, 01: Baltimore – Welcome Aboard Show – 9am-4:30pm
Mon, Jan, 02: at sea – Wonderful World – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Tue, Jan, 03: at sea – Max Winfrey – juggler – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Wed, Jan, 04: Canaveral – Jazzin’ – 7am-7pm
Thu, Jan, 05: Nassau – deck party – 11am-10pm
Fri, Jan, 06: Freeport – Vrooom – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick – 7am-2pm
Sat, Jan, 07: at sea – Carnival Legends – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick

Dave Wojtylko asked:
Hello John,

We’re big fans of the blog, and of Carnival. We just returned from the October 22 sailing of the Carnival Freedom, and since you seem to enjoy positive reviews I figured I’d drop you a note.

We booked this cruise in celebration of my 25th wedding anniversary. A few weeks prior to the cruise my wife was diagnosed with gallstones and had to have her gallbladder removed, and due to some complications she ended up hospitalized for a week. After she was released and we knew that she would be okay, we still feared that she might not be cleared to travel. On the Wednesday just prior to the cruise she received the “OK” from her doctor, but with strict guidelines on physical activity and diet. Our cruise quickly shifted from an adventurous excursion packed week to one of complete relaxation and recuperation.

I can say with complete honesty that there is absolutely nothing about which I can complain. In fact, quite the opposite. Each staff member with which we came in contact was friendly, responsive, polite, and professional. We tried the steakhouse for the first time, on our anniversary, and it is truly something not to be missed. The staff in both the steakhouse and the main dining room took great care with my wife’s dietary restrictions.

We truly enjoyed the Latin trio that played in the main lobby most nights before dinner. They are truly gifted musicians, and we actually found ourselves hating to leave the lobby to go to dinner.

I know there were quite a few folks that were disappointed by the itinerary change due to the hurricane, but for us it was all just part of the adventure. We knew that the decision was made with our safety in mind, so we just rolled with it and adjusted our plans. We ended up booking the Sea Winds all inclusive excursion in Jamaica and had a wonderfully relaxing day in the sun. In Grand Turk, my wife surprised me with the Ultimate Snorkeling excursion while she did some light shopping then enjoyed a nearly empty Serenity deck. The tour company that runs the Ultimate Snorkel excursion has a top notch operation. They were very safety minded yet still fun and engaging, and their equipment was in very good condition.

Long story short, John, this cruise was everything we expected and needed, and we’ll definitely be cruising with Carnival again. In fact, we’re booked on the January 21 sailing of the Liberty. All the best to you and thank you very much for all you do.

Best regards,

Dave

John says:
Hello David,

First of all may I take the chance to say that I hope your wife is doing well after her illness and then may I thank you for this brilliant review. Changes in itinerary are never easy and I thank you for accepting them in a positive way. I will make sure the ship sees this and I will tell you that the Carnival Freedom continues to lead the way in our fleet ratings and for reasons you have brilliantly explained in this post. I hope you have a brilliant time in two weeks on your next cruise and I am so grateful to you for this brilliant review. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Peter Herne asked:
Hi John!

I just recently found your blog and wanted to pass on a comment from our last cruise on the Carnival Dream. We are platinum customers and on the Carnival Dream we sent in laundry with our cabin steward and my precious white shirt came back off white plus the creases in all the other laundered items were incorrectly done. I had even told our steward to iron them face down to prevent creases on collars and sleeves but he ignored me completely. I complained to passenger services and they offered to re-launder the clothes but they refused to give me the $110 for a ruined designer shirt. This may seem trivial to you Mr Heald but if you advertise a benefit then it should be done properly and I am telling you as a platinum customer it wasn’t.

John says:
Hello Peter Herne,

I am embarrassed to say that at 46 years old I have no idea how to iron something properly. When I lived at home my Mum did it all and then I came to the ships and my stateroom steward did it all and now Heidi my wife does it. My ironing skills are the same as Judge Judy’s pole dancing capabilities. I should point out that the state room steward doesn’t do the laundry. He will have taken it down to deck A forward to the laundry where a dedicated team will have cleaned and pressed your items. I sincerely apologise for this and and I have sent your comments about your shirt to our guest services team in Miami. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Gene Brown asked:

Just a quick question, while on the Carnival Magic’s last 12-day cruise we were told by a VIP guests about the upcoming changes. We have been trying hard to reach 10 cruises and have our 7th booked in Feb. We didn’t understand the misleading info when we started cruising about sister companies and did one on Princess. Or the February cruise would have been eight for us. Any way back to what we were told was that after the first of the year it would take 150 days instead of 10 cruises to reach Platinum. Being so close to 10 and trying to do at least one cruise each year it will take us many years instead of us trying to get it by 2013. Unlike most of your requests I am not asking for everything on board to be reduced by 25% or to have chairs saved for every event or ask that my luggage be delivered to the room right after the captains like most people seem to think they are entitled to.

Just would like to be able to reach Platinum the way I started. Our Feb cruise will be our first that has not been at least seven days. I guess we could have booked a bunch of three days and made it sooner but we enjoy our seven-day cruises and feel that Platinum is just a little bonus for what we love and not something Carnival owes us. Thanks for your time. Sorry we missed you on the Carnival Magic, James was good but I wanted to see you in the purple dress! Just kidding.

John says:
Hello Gene Brown,

I am so sorry I could not be with you on the cruise although I hate that purple dress. I am hoping that you read this so I can tell you that when the new loyalty program does eventually come out that those who are close to one of the current two high levels of Platinum and Milestone will not be punished and will have their levels grandfathered in. I see from what you have told me that you will have nothing to be concerned about. Your loyalty is very important to us and I will hope to be able to tell you more about the program soon. Thanks for the kind words and hope to see you onboard one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Well, as promised here is the first report from the Carnival Spirit which as you may know is currently in dry dock. This is a very important two weeks for the ship not only to get her ready for her last Alaska and Hawaii season but also of course to get her ready for her voyage to Australia. During the next 14 days we will have the chance to see what’s happening there thanks to Stuart Dunn who is of course the ship’s vibrant cruise director and will be in Australia as well. I will have a full interview with him soon but here now is his first report from dry dock:

San Pedro — January 6, 2012.

After the guests disembarked the many contactors hired to carry out projects onboard embarked and started to work on the ship down almost immediately.

They were wasting no time as the entire ship was being transformed into a construction zone so work could take place, while still protecting the existing areas so floors, light fixtures, lounges etc do not get damaged.

A large project being carried out is the replacement of all the 1,062 existing televisions with LCD flat screens TV’s. Time was limited to have them removed from the cabin, carted to the open deck 10 placed onto pallets and wrapped in plastic so the pallets can be craned off before the ship set sail. The entertainment technicians, myself as well as housekeeping and F&B team members were all heavily involved in this project.

As I walked around the ship there were tool boxes, shipping containers, cement and tiling materials, structural steel and so much more being craned onboard from down on the pier. After being onboard the Carnival Spirit for such a long time it is really interesting to see the ship transform from a cruise ship to a construction zone..

Oh, and I have yet to introduce myself and make friends with whoever has been hammering and jack hammering directly above my cabin for the last eight hours. This may happen later, much, much later………………..

Stu
Cruise Director, Carnival Spirit

I can’t wait to see photos of the ship out of the water. Carnival Spirit will also be getting state of the art new gym equipment and of course that includes running machines or treadmill thingies. We have one here at home and it’s used about as much as Stevie Wonder uses his Xbox. We bought it when Heidi was pregnant some three years ago as she said she wanted to stay fit while carrying Kye and I of course said I would use it too. Its main selling point was that it promises to get me fit in four minutes a day. Yes, four minutes. It beautiful machine, in an Aston Martin meets Star Trek kind of way. In the beginning I used it and so did Heidi but now it has become unused except for a brilliant place on which to hang my underpants while I get in the shower. Anyway, more news on the Carnival Spirit soon and my thanks to the super fit Stuart for his first report.

So let’s talk Carnival Breeze, but before we do, let’s take a tour of the new ship shall we?

To excite fans about Carnival’s new Thrill Theater and to get them into the “movie-viewing” mindset, Carnival, under license from Hasbro, Inc. has created “The 5D Challenge: TRIVIAL PURSUIT Edition” on Facebook.

Contest participants are asked to answer movie-themed trivia questions from Hasbro’s popular TRIVIAL PURSUIT brand.

One prize will be given away daily for the next five days (January 9-13) with contestants required to correctly answer three daily trivia questions to enter into a prize drawing.

Prizes include a 50-inch 3D Plasma HDTV, 3D phone, HD camcorder, and a $250 movie theater gift card. Also Hasbro Video and Board Game Prize Packs, including an Xbox 360 gaming console, will be given away throughout the contest period.

Enter here.

I mentioned on Facebook on Saturday that I had just watched the movie Taken and declared that Kye will never ever be allowed to leave the house – ever. It was though a brilliantly intense movie and one I enjoyed because over Christmas I had a diet of Peppa sodding Pig, The Sound of Music, The Holiday, and, of course, Alvin and The Chipmunks at the cinema where the highlight was when Kye lovingly declared to the entire theatre that that was “Dadda’s ship.” Heidi and I never agree on movies. I desperately want to go and see Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 347 or whatever the new one is but Heidi has bugger all interest in seeing this with me.

I love death, destruction, explosions and lashings of rumpy pumpy whereas my wife prefers movies full of love and kissing and movies that are wrapped in a big pink fluffy blanket which is why while Mum and Dad look after Kye on Wednesday night we won’t be seeing Tom Cruise hanging upside down over a computer or people being shot in the face with by a gun that can shoot round corners. Oh no, we are going to see something by Stephen Spielbastard called War Horse. I would rather watch naked 80 year olds do synchronized swimming than this film and while Heidi will be blubbering I am sure. I on the other hand will be wishing the Germans would just shoot the horse in the head and sell it as burgers to the French. Talking of old war horses, there is another film about a war horse called the Iron Lady which is about something Margaret Thatcher. I hear Meryl Streep is sensational.

To finish with today I have to talk about last Thursday where I apologised for not keeping my promise of making an announcement. There were many who I read on the boards that were upset at me and I faced deserving ridicule. Then there was the lady who didn’t like my humor and the lady who thought my comment about care homes was “disgusting.” I guess that I just can’t win these days because you never know who you are going to upset. You could give me any subject matter: iced tea, announcements (or lack thereof), care homes or horses and I bet that after half an hour I could come up with someone who was prepared to be angry about it. Every day I seem to say something that someone who lives in their mother’s attic and who spends 24 hours a day trawling the web pages will jump on your case and not let go.

Unfortunately, however, in the current climate it is no longer possible to express an opinion or make light of the world we live in because you are bound to upset a pressure group that then runs around waving its arms in the air and calling you a corporate puppet and calls for you to be taken to Gerry Cahill’s office and flogged with a wet Carnival beach towel. I have been apologising a lot recently and between me and you I am getting bloody well fed up with it.

My favourite apology was when the brilliant Clint Eastwood ordered those gunmen to apologise to his arse in A Fistful of Dollars. If the gunmen cowboy chaps had said sorry, the film would have been over. But they didn’t, so there was a lot of shooting and, in Clint’s case at least, plenty of squinting and spitting too.

As a word, “sorry” is very useful when you’re having an argument with your wife and there’s only 10 minutes before the football (saccccceerr) starts: “Yes, I know you just trod in one of Breeze’s turds and I was supposed to clean that up. I am a useless husband and I love you so much and I’m sorry. Now can I watch the game?” Sorry works when you fart in an elevator full of guests, or if you have said there will be a big announcement on the fifth when there isn’t.

Elton John once said that sorry seems the hardest word. But that’s not true. A brave man, a man with a spine and some iron in his blood would say: “I am not going to apologise and if you don’t like my blog and what I say and me then stop reading it and bugger off.”

But I am not that man so I can’t say that………………can I?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I argued that when Heidi and Kye come and sail, who will look after the dog? That was always an excellent argument because I played on Heidi’s girly heart strings telling her how lonely the dog would be when we put it in a kennel and how it would be fed yak intestines and have nobody to play with. But then my sister went and bought a house with two acres of land and two dogs and a sodding horse to go with it stating that if we bought a dog it could, “Come and stay with them.” And that was me buggered then.

So we are getting a dog, a German shepherd to be precise, and I will enter the mysterious world of dog owners.

I guess there are many reasons why people choose to own a dog. To stop a wife’s endless sodding nagging; for companionship, as an excuse to take the occasional walk. I met a chap recently who says he bought a dog to replace his wife who had sadly passed away. And I’m sorry but I don’t understand this. I understand the companionship part of it to a degree but how can a dog possibly do that? It can’t cook, or iron, although if it is a smart dog I guess you could train it to pick your dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.

Don’t get me wrong, I know getting a dog will be a good thing for Heidi and Kye and certainly with me away so much a big old German shepherd would give a huge sense of security to our home. But I know that Heidi will pour love and affection onto the little cute puppy because that’s what we humans do and sometimes I think that we love animals a lot more than we love people. And the animal we love most of all is the dog. Dogs make us go all fluffy in the head. No really……..think about it.

Take your average disaster movie……….like 2012. In the film thousands of people are killed by a devastating tsunami. But not to worry because we are treated to a close up of the heroine’s dog boarding a rescue ship just in time. Then you have Armageddon in which giant meteorites destroy most of New York. But this is no problem because when the destruction is over, we see that the dog that we thought had been killed is in fact perfectly all right since it was only people that die a horrible death.

Yep, we love dogs and now it’s my turn to love them as well. I am sure owning one will have its good points. It will bark and growl and bite the head off anyone who tries to do my family harm. In the evening it will lay down on its rug looking all sweet and cuddly. And all it demands in return for its sweetness and its work as a bodyguard is a place to do a crap and a bowl full of food.

But supposing we chose a dog that isn’t like that. Supposing we choose a dog that turns out to be violent. She is very violent. Seriously, I worry about this. Last year my mate Danny bought a dog I am not sure what make it was but it was big bugger with teeth. Danny bought it for basically the same reason as I will be buying one, security for his family as he also travels a lot for business. But in the first year, the dog had eaten the young lad who delivers the newspapers, the mailman and had tried to kill his Uncle Harold. No, don’t laugh, it’s true. His 80-year-old Uncle Harold was visiting and sneezed really loudly and Danny’s dog went for him and when I visited it would always have a face that would say, “Who the f**k are you looking at ?

Basically this dog was Joe Pesci.

I mentioned this to Heidi but to no avail, we are getting a dog and a male dog at that which means we will have to go through the whole leg humping thing and the humiliation of walking a male dog in heat as he tries to do doggie rumpy pumpy with an unsuspecting female poodle. And it won’t just be other dogs he will try and mount, nope, it will be the washing machine, the keyhole in the front door, me, Kye’s friends. Yep, it will hump anyone and everyone’s leg ……………..even mine ………..but like all living things that try and have rumpy pumpy with me …………it will do so with its eyes closed.

Heidi has not thought this through. She thinks the worst thing that could happen is that the dog will unravel the toilet roll or that the cheeky thing may during its toilet training drop a dog turd in my Nikes. No dog breeder or rescue dog center ever tells a prospective customer that one day the cute little ball of fluff in which they’re interested will try to have rumpy pumpy with a vacuum cleaner.

This is the reality of dog ownership. Turds and piss everywhere. Mess. Huge expense and the constant desire to hump something. Actually, thinking about it, why does Heidi want a dog? She’s got me……….there’s no real difference.

Time for some Q and A…..here we go

Joanne asked:
Hi John,

Love your blog and comments on Facebook – you’re a credit to Carnival!
My husband and I recently got married (after 16 years together) on
9/11 – we wanted to make the day memorable for good reasons We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor from Miami on February 4, 2012 and I would love to know if there is something special that can be arranged on our cruise. It doesn’t have to be anything big nor costly but I would like to surprise my husband since we will be celebrating our honeymoon on the cruise.
Would you also happen to know who the CD will be on that sailing? Keep writing your honest and hilarious blogs and would love to meet up with you one day if our paths should cross while on board. This will be our third cruise on board Carnival and we look forward to many more.

Thanks again,

Joanne

Johns says:
Hello Joanne,

That is a very special and very memorable day to get married, Jo and I wish you many happy years together. At the time of writing, I don’t have the CD schedule yet. There have been many unexpected changes we have had to make but hopefully this week I can post it here on the blog. I will ask you to post your cabin number a week before you sail on my Facebook page and I will gladly send you a honeymoon gift. Thanks for writing and for your kind words.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nikki Gazis asked:
Hi John,

First let me say thank you.. I enjoy your posts and blogs!!!! I took my first cruise with Carnival in 2008… I am planning on my 16th Carnival cruise in January and am concerned about the loyalty program and how I will be affected… (Selfish huh?? LOL).. Is there any place that I can read about the new policy???

Thanks so so much!!!!

Nikki

John says:
Hello Nikki Gazis,

It’s absolutely not selfish at all, Nikki, because your loyalty means a lot to you and of course to us as well. I am sure you will have read my recent blogs and Facebook posts that have stated that there will be four levels and while I can’t tell you what those levels will be based on just yet, I can tell you that anyone close to the next level based on the current loyalty program will have their status protected. Please don’t worry and if there is anything else you need before you cruise again, please let me know. There will be more information on the loyalty program very soon.

Best wishes.

John

William Marrin asked:
John,

On my recent Freedom cruise I was severely embarrassed by the cabin boy. My wife and I were in cabin 6398 and had as we do in hotels we immediately put the do not disturb sign on the door. We are very particular people and do not want strangers touching our personal possessions. We do not need bed sheet changes and new towels as we protect the environment we live in. Your passengers should know that new towels every day is a disgrace. The planet needs help now and if we do nothing, then the temperature rise could be 7 degrees within a century, at which point the survival of our species will be in the balance. The reason we were embarrassed though was even though the do not disturb sign was on the door, the cabin boy knocked on our door at 5:30pm while we were resting from our day ashore. We did not hear the knock on the door until it was too late and the cabin boy was inside. We asked him to leave immediately and were horrified and complained to the front desk but nothing was done. I have written to the president of Carnival Cruise Lines and was told to bring this to your attention as well. Do not disturb means exactly that, doesn’t it? I am at this time thinking of never cruising Carnival again and telling everyone I can to do the same unless I receive the proper and correct apology.

John says:
Hello William Marrin,

Thank you for your post and I can understand why you are so upset by what happened. However, I would like to explain the company’s position on this and I am sure this is what you will have heard from the guest services officers on the ship. If a do not disturb sign is left on the door for more than one straight 24-hour period, we will knock and enter the cabin. This is only done to make sure that the guests inside the cabin are well and are in no harm. This is something we are obligated to do and comes from what I can only describe as a harsh learning process. Please accept my apologies but I hope you understand that the stat room steward was only following instructions and only had your best interests at heart. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Monty R. Jones asked:
Hello John,

Just booked our cruise on the Carnival Magic for April 29, 2012 and was wondering if you were still going to be the cruise director then. I know that your life will soon be a Carnival Breeze later next year but sure was hoping that you would still be on the Carnival Magic at the end of April. Sure would like to cruise with you someday. This will be our eighth Carnival cruise and we love Carnival.

John says:
Hello Monty R Jones,

Unfortunately, I will already be in the ship yard in April and so I won’t be the CD during your wonderful Carnival Magic cruise. I am sure you will have a fantastic time and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes

John

Marge Fairweather asked:
Dear John,

My girlfriend and I (both Platinum guests) cruised on the Dream January 1-7,2011. Our CD, Butch, was the BEST we have had on all of our 14 past cruises. We want to cruise again on the Dream in February 2012 for one of those Zero birthdays but I am having a very hard time trying to determine if Butch will still be on the Dream then. I have called Miami and continue to look on the schedule and still have not been able to get any information. Can you please let me know where Butch will be during the month of Feb 2012 so that I can book our next cruise?

Please, please…

Thank you,

Really enjoy your blog – it keeps me smiling! We’ll be on Ecstasy on
Nov.12 but we look forward to sailing with Butch again.

Marge Fairweather

John says:
Hello Marge Fairweather,

I love it when guests post their admiration for my colleagues and nobody gets as many words of praise as Butch, he is truly one of a kind. Butch, though, will be on vacation come February and will then return here to the Carnival Magic which will become his ship in March. The Carnival Dream will be in the capable hands of Steve Knicley who is of course a brilliant CD who I know you will really find loads of fun. The full CD schedule will be posted soon. I see you are on board the Carnival Ecstasy so I hope you are having (had) a brilliant time.

Best wishes

John

Zac Porritt asked:

It will be a very special cruise when me and my family walk up the gang plank of the Carnival Splendor on 11/27. My wife works very hard as a nurse and it’s our 10th wedding anniversary. I heard that you do gifts and surprises so would like one delivered to my wife on 11/30 which is our actual anniversary. I didn’t know if you needed our booking number but it’s ****** and if you could decorate our cabin as well that would be a special touch for this wonderful woman. We are looking forward to our cruise and your gifts will make it extra special, I hope.

John says:
Hello Zac Porritt,

Thanks so much for booking your anniversary cruise with us and I know you will have a wonderful time. You can order cabin decorations through our bon voyage department at carnival.com or indeed give them a call and I am sorry that I can’t arrange this for you. I will though, send you an anniversary gift and wish you both the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Vic asked:
Hi John,

With all this talk of change coming to the Past Guest Program, I wondered if there was any talk of a Carnival Corp program where as a Princess and Carnival cruiser my points would count for both?

John says:
Hello Vic,

Unfortunately, there are no plans for this. Carnival, Cunard, Princess, Holland America, P & O, Costa Cruise Lines, Seabourn and AIDA all have very specific programs and it would be very difficult to factor all the cruise lines into one loyalty program. I hope you continue to enjoy your cruises with both Princess and Carnival and thank you for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Hassick asked:
John,

I have followed you on Facebook and now your blog and you seem to enjoy what you do but you must realize that many of the things you write are X rated and that there are children and people who may find your comments offensive that also read your page and your blog.

John says:
Hello Paul Hassick,

You are absolutely correct and I shall certainly try and remember this and apologise if anything I have written may have offended you.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Draper asked:

First of all, I want to say thanks for all of the grins and giggles (and sometimes grrrrs) that I get from reading the blog thingy and the FB page. I have had the pleasure of semi-coordinating a family cruise on the Magic in February 2012. We’re currently up to 20 folks in 9 cabins.

The real fun is that this is the first cruise for 11 of them!! I can’t wait! I’m a Carnival cruiser through and through and the experience I/we had getting this cruise together just confirmed why.

We worked with a fantastic Carnival rep named Phyllis Elkins. She did a great job keeping all of my tidbits of info straight from when I called her to matching it up to my family members that called to finish up their bookings. All the usual great customer service that I’ve come to know I would get when dealing with Carnival. She didn’t stop there, though. There were little things that were just “wow” moments for me that really made dealing with her a joy. Big example…I was trying to set her up with as much information on each family member as possible so they (especially the newbies) didn’t have to do much more than call up, confirm a cabin and give her a credit card number. During this, I realized that I didn’t know my 15-year-old nephew’s birthday. I was too ashamed to ask my brother…I called myself a bad aunt. Phyllis would get it from him when he called her and she wouldn’t let him know that I didn’t know. A few days later, I received an email with the subject line “for the bad aunt.” She had sent me my nephew’s birthday! It might seem like a little thing, but it really impressed me…a lot!

I would love it if there are any beards in Phyllis’ vicinity to give her a heartfelt pat on the back for me when they walk by. She’s an awesome rep…And not a bad spy, either!

John says:
Hello Denise Draper,

Another wonderful comment about one of our shoreside employees and it’s people like Phyllis that can make such a difference. Please know that I have sent this to the vice president beard in charge of our call centers and I know that Phyllis will be thrilled when she sees this. I will be seeing you on the Carnival Magic and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know and get ready for a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Tommy Lyons asked:

I saw on your blog about clearing out the Punchliner between shows so others would have a chance to see a show. When I was on the Dream and the Fun Dude who I believe was the club manager did clear out the club and he did an excellent job interacting with the guest and maintaining order. He is an excellent manager, comedian and gentleman. I think it would help if he introduced himself on the welcome aboard show where he could introduce himself and talk about the club and let everyone know what to expect.

John says:
Hello Tommy Lyons,

Jeff, the Fun Dude, is quite a character isn’t he and he runs his comedy club as well as anyone we have in that position. We are now adopting his clearance policies in all our comedy clubs and it seems to be working. I think it’s a great idea for him to introduce himself before at the welcome aboard show and I will ask my colleagues to make sure all the comedy club managers do this. Great suggestion, Tommy, and I hope you had a brilliant laugh at the Punchliner.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

I have concentrated a lot on the Carnival Liberty and the Carnival Magic in the past few weeks and I was reminded of two big voyages that are upcoming for the Carnival Inspiration and the Carnival Paradise so over the next few weeks I will talk a bit more about them. Let’s remind ourselves of where they are going starting with the Carnival Paradise as she heads to Tampa.

• Mon, Nov, 28 Long Beach 8am-4pm
• Tue, Nov, 29 at sea
• Wed, Nov, 30 Cabo 12pm-7pm
• Thu, Dec, 01 PVR 11am-7pm
• Fri, Dec, 02 at sea 10am-6pm
• Sat, Dec, 03 at sea
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Puntarenas 8am-7pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Panama Canal 6am-5pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Cartagena 9am-4pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Cayman 7am-4pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea

And now the Carnival Inspiration’s journey to California:

• Sat, Dec, 03 Tampa dep @ 4pm
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Cayman 8am-5pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Cartagena 7am-2pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Panama transit 6am-5pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Punta Arenas, C.R. 8am-6pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 12 at sea
• Tue, Dec, 13 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 14 Puerto Vallarta 8am-4pm
• Thu, Dec, 15 Cabo 8am-3pm
• Fri, Dec, 16 at sea

I will fill in the entertainment line ups and special events soon and both ships will have dance instructors, bridge instruction and arts and crafts as well as other special events. I have never done a Panama Canal crossing but from what everyone tells me, they are very special voyages and I wish all of you who are sailing on the Carnival Paradise and the Carnival Inspiration’s repositioning cruises the most wonderful time.

So what an incredible day it was in Galveston. In days gone past we would have invited a few travel agents on a new ship, given them a few drinks and that would have been it. But there we were in Galveston, opening the doors to 4,000 people to come and enjoy a free concert by one of the world’s top bands. The atmosphere was electric and excitement was equally shared by the residents of Galveston, most of whom were wearing, “Galveston Loves Magic” pins and the Carnival executives who under the charge of our Chief Marketing Officer Jim Berra put together an incomparable day and my congratulations to them for doing so.

Obviously, it was a huge thrill for me to introduce Maroon 5 but I have to tell you I was a bit nervous. There I was, five minutes before the concert, listening to the fans screaming and shouting and chanting the band’s name. Their anticipation had reached fever pitch and they were ready to give the band the most incredible welcome and judging by what a few of the ladies at the front were wearing, they were also ready to give the band anything they wanted and one or two looked like they were ready to spread easier than warm butter.

So the 4,000 people were ready to go crazy for Moves Like Jagger. But first, this fat English bloke was going to come out which would drastically change that mood. So my nerves therefore were based on the fact that my job was to go out on stage and put the crowd back in the mood they were already in before I walked out on stage in the first place. But it went well, I think, and along with the wonderful Justin, our dance contest winner, and some silly jokes the audience seemed to appreciate my 10 minutes and I hope they had some fun. We shot lots of video and in case you missed any of the highlights, here are some of them as shot by Peter the Hair, Jay I Like Guys and Eric the Beard.

So what of the band. Well they were not what I expected. What do I mean by that? Well …………… they were …………ummmm……………nice. Really nice, really pleasant and not very ………..well……… rock and roll.

There is a program on Discovery Channel called The Most Dangerous Jobs in the World which shows dangerous careers like tunnel builders, high rise construction, crab fishing, mine clearing, etc. But if you look at years past, being a rock star was surely the most dangerous job in the world.

Let’s see how many we can list from days gone by. OK…………….here we go. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Jim Morrison, Marc Bolan, Eddie Cochran, Brian Epstein, Duane Allman, most of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Keith Moon, Cozy Powell, Alex Harvey, Ricky Nelson, Pete Ham and Tom Evans from Badfinger, Tim Hardin, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin. Bon Scott from AC/DC, half of the Grateful Dead, Chas Chandler, Johnny Kidd, Rory Gallagher, John Belushi, Elvis, Patsy Cline, Brian Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Sid Vicious, even Karen Carpenter.
Suicide, plane or helicopter crashes. Car accidents, drowning in their own vomit, or in their own swimming pools. Picking up a guitar back then it seems was as lethal as picking up a rattlesnake.

Look how many of those stars died so young back then. Coming home from school and saying you were going to fight in a war would have prompted a sigh of relief from your parents, “Well thank God you’re not going to be in a band.”

Now, though, things are different. With the notable and noble exception of Kurt Cobain, who killed himself with a shotgun, and the sad demise of the brilliant Amy Winehouse and of course Michael Jackson who I don’t think we will ever truly understand, today’s rock stars seem to be in good health.

Last time I looked, Justin Beaver hadn’t smoked a palm tree and driven his skateboard into his swimming pool and drowned.

Perhaps this is the problem with music today. Back when I was a teenager, I would rush to see a band like Black Sabbath, The Who and Iron Maiden partly because I loved their music and because I had a feeling that they would all be dead by the following week.

You certainly don’t get any of that from Adam Levine. I watched him perform and while the bloke has a brilliant voice and the girls all want to see his gentlemen’s sausage there was no sense that he might be found the next morning in a Galveston hotel room full of naked women with vodka bottles all around.

I have to admit, though, that I really liked their music, I mean I really did and that surprised me because I don’t like most modern music. There was talk of us bringing in the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the Galveston event, who, so far as I’m concerned, could not make a worse sound if they spent an hour shoving cattle prods up their bottoms.

So here we are, the Carnival Magic has started her cruises from Galveston and I have to say something really important. The steakhouse is sold out every night with a waiting list of 80 names and the Cucina del Capitano will have served 600 by the end of the cruise. RedFrog had a quiet first night but is now the center of attention with the so very talented Ron Pass packing the piano bar. The atmosphere is fantastic.

As you may have read on my Facebook page, the ship had to cancel the port of Costa Maya and head instead to Progreso. This allows us to continue and complete the maintenance and repair of the starboard aft thruster and having the ship overnight in Progreso allows us to do this. Now obviously a change like this can cause some concern and some complaints. But do you know how many formal complaints we have had…………seven. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that there are others who haven’t voiced a formal complaint but it’s still pretty amazing that just seven comments stating that they didn’t like the itinerary change. The current group of guests on the Carnival Magic seem like a relaxed easy going bunch which is what I’ve found in general about our Texas-based ships. They’re just here to have a good time no matter what. Guests here love the ship, they really love the ship and 99% of the guests have accepted the change and are continuing to laugh, have fun and enjoy their vacation and that’s simply brilliant.

But it’s not just those on the ship. You see I stayed in a hotel for two days and listened to people talking in the restaurants and around the streets of Galveston. They were all speaking with huge pride that the Carnival Magic was there and indeed that they felt that the Carnival Magic was theirs. Texans are fun, Texans are spirited, Texans want everything bigger and that’s why Galveston is therefore the perfect home for the Carnival Magic. Fun for y’all…………….y’all for fun.

My only disappointment so far is that I haven’t seen one cowboy hat, not a single one. How can this be? It’s the inaugural cruise from Texas and we didn’t have any cowboy hats. I met loads of blog readers, many from Texas but none were cowboys. Where were the rough, tough, cowboys who sleep under the stars and fart around the camp fire?

I wanted a tobacco chewing, snakeskin boot wearing, howdy partner saying dude who grew up on a diet of country music and who could teach me how to rope cattle and ride bucking horses. I wanted to meet a real cowboy, but there were none.

But then suddenly, last night I met one. He was in the RedFrog Pub and he had a cowboy hat on. He wasn’t though quite what I had expected. His jeans were four inches too short, his stomach seven inches too fat and along with his cowboy hat, he wore a t-shirt with a picture of a Harley Davidson that said, and I quote: “If you haven’t seen God… it’s because you’re not going fast enough.”

See y’all after supper.

Your friend,

John