It’s the start of the New Year and that means celebrities and the rich and tanned journey to places like St. Barts, St. Kitts and St. Martin to detox the excesses of the holiday season. Detox my arse! Look, I know I am as thick as the Chinese phone book but I do remember a few things from Mr. Reynold’s biology class at school. I remember he would throw the chalkboard duster at people who weren’t paying attention and that he had breath straight from Satan’s armpit. And I also remember him explaining to class 2B that the human body will detox on its own without the need for drinking elderberry juice and eating weeds for a week.

It’s not just the George Pitts and the Megan Jolies who are doing it but normal people as well. Here in the UK the magazines and TV is full of the stuff telling us that their miracle digestive body cleaners are the only thing that can save us. Too much turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie and festive vodka cheer? Try Doctor Ben Dover’s 48-hour detox pill. 100% natural and composed of grated yak testicles and hamster droppings it is guaranteed to cleanse your body, mind and soul. Only $190 for 12 pills.

I am fat and ugly, I know that and I am not so thick that I am not aware that eating a bowl of sunflower seeds is far more healthy than eating a huge bowl of nachos smothered in cheese and guacamole. But doesn’t your body excrete waste in exactly the same way out the same area whether you’re eating a salad or a bucket of KFC? Detoxing yourself just a fancy posh word for doing a number two? If that’s the case take a few laxative pills and that’s a huge saving of money there and the result is exactly the same in fact add a huge bowl of prunes for breakfast and that detox will happen even quicker.

Time for today’s Q and A……off we go.

Vince H asked:
John,

Why does Carnival do nothing for police officers? I have been a serving police officer for 18 years and have cruised two times in the last two years both with you guys. I learned that Carnival gives heavily discounted cruises for military personnel but nothing for police officers. We deserve it and Carnival doesn’t do anything. If military get it so should we!

John says:
Hello Vince H,

First of all I do respect so very much the wonderful work all police officers do and understand the stress and danger that comes with the uniform. You do bring up an interesting point and I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate folks here at Carnival. So thanks for the work you do and thank you for cruising with us. Please make sure you tell me the next time you cruise so I can send you something to say thank you.

Best wishes,

John

Bethany Westwood asked:
Dear John,

I will start by saying how awful Carnival’s iced tea is and you should be ashamed to sail from Charleston and serve it to us southerners. It may be OK for them damn Yankees but I was disgusted when I tried it on my first Carnival experience on the Carnival Fantasy last month. It was also difficult to understand the crew who didn’t speak English and I had to repeat myself over and over again to the folks in the dining room. The food was OK and the shows were good but the lack of English and the fact that the ship was sailing from the south but did nothing for southerners will stop me going on this boat again.

John says:
Hello Bethany Westwood,

I am sorry to read that you didn’t like the iced tea. I have to admit that to me tea should be hot and served in a mug not cold and in a glass with ice. However, I will pass this onto the chef as obviously you know what you are talking about being from the South. The crew does speak English and have to in fact according to US Coast Guard and Carnival’s own regulations so I was very surprised to read this but apologise none the same for you having to “repeat yourself over and over again” although this could have been the ice tea………sorry, stupid humour there. I will seriously let the ship know your thoughts. I also hope that when you look back at your cruise you will see that you enjoyed the food and the entertainment and that overall you had fun and that this will have you back with us again soon.

Best wishes

John

James and Sandy McBurney asked:
John,

If you award an employee of the year a trophy it should go to our waitress Martina from the Magic Trans-Atlantic cruise. My wife and me have been on 19 cruises and are Platinum with Carnival and Martin was the tops. Her smile and her friendliness and her patience in the face of two of the rudest passengers I have ever seen was something that made me very angry. They shouted at her, clicked their fingers and one night argued that the steak was badly cooked and threw it on the floor at her feet. I kid you not. They were at the table for two next to ours and had complaints every night. I was embarrassed and at the end of the cruise I told them how pitiful they were. Martina stayed professional throughout and for that she deserves my nomination for employee of the year.

John says:
Hello James and Sandy McBurney,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. As you may know I visited the ship in Freeport during the trans-Atlantic and had heard about this couple from the maitre d and another guest as well. I won’t comment on them or their behavior but I will say that Martina, who I know very well, deserves so much for having to put up with behavior like that. It’s no surprise that she did though as I think it’s safe to say she is one of our star performers week in and week out. Thanks to you both though for taking the time to write and for those glowing words of praise that I promise both Martina and her supervisors will see. Thank you also for your loyalty and I hope we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Dr. Deany Cheramie asked:

Just completed a cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy from Oct 22 to Oct 27. I found the experience a bit below the quality I usually receive on a Carnival cruise. The Serenity Deck was marvelous; it was wonderful not having to share a hot tub with kids and their floaties. The food on the Lido deck in the Panorama Bar and Grill was very good. I especially liked the pizza and the Rotisserie. However, there were issues with the air conditioning and HVAC systems. While my stateroom was mostly fine (we were port side forward Riviera deck), other guests shared that they had plumbing issues (flooding) and had to change staterooms. I also experienced issues with the team. The ceiling in the bathroom in my stateroom was covered in mold. I did tell housekeeping about it and it was cleaned immediately. My room steward Teo apologized profusely and said it was because his assistants were not doing their jobs. The plumbing issues continued throughout our trip. In the early mornings I would hear a “bubbling” sound from the bathroom then there would be a sewer smell in the bathroom throughout the morning. This issue was not resolved until our final sea day. Also, I found the quality of food in the dining room was a bit off. Presentation was definitely lacking — food would be shifted all over the plate. We had one rough night at sea fleeing in front of Hurricane Rina, but this occurred every night. Also, there did not seem to be enough servers. Our wait between courses seemed longer than usual. The wait staff always seemed rushed and did not interact with the guests very much or participate in the music and dancing with any enthusiasm. I am looking forward to having the Carnival Conquest back in New Orleans. Carnival Triumph and Carnival Conquest are two of my favorite ships, and I have always enjoyed my experiences on these ships.

John says:
Hello Dr. Cheramie,

You know yesterday I was accused by someone of being a “corporate puppet” and only posting the good stuff and what the beards tell me which of course is nonsense. I have always said right from the start of this blog that the day I am told what to write will be the day I stop. Anyway, with that in mind I read your post with so much disappointment as obviously we have some work to do here. I truly appreciate you telling me and I promise the beards will as well because not everything we do is perfect as this shows and its only through reports like this that we will stay at the top of the cruise industry tree. My apologies, Doctor, and I promise we will improve.
I do hope that overall you had fun though.

Best wishes.

John

Derek Vogel asked:
John,

My wife and I will be on cruise number five on 1/29/12. Joining us will be our daughter who has won a full scholarship to Stanford and therefore I think she deserves special recognition. Could the captain or cruise director bring her on stage and present her with a prize because it would be great. We read your blog everyday! Our cabin number is 6310 on the Carnival Victory.

John says:
Hello Derek Vogel,

I have to be honest and say I asked Uncle Google what Stanford was and it seems a very prestigious school indeed. I have asked Karl with a K the CD to mention her live on his morning show and I will also send her something as well. I am sure you must be very proud of her and I wish you all a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Carol asked:

John,

I will be sailing on the Carnival Pride from Baltimore at the end of January 2012. How can we find out who the entertainment will be during that time? Thank you so much for your time.

John says:
Hello Carol,

Here is the entertainment lineup for the last cruise of January on the Carnival Pride. I hope this is the cruise you are on. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes and have a great time.

John

Sun, Jan, 01: Baltimore – Welcome Aboard Show – 9am-4:30pm
Mon, Jan, 02: at sea – Wonderful World – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Tue, Jan, 03: at sea – Max Winfrey – juggler – Donnell Keith Grey/Darren Sanders
Wed, Jan, 04: Canaveral – Jazzin’ – 7am-7pm
Thu, Jan, 05: Nassau – deck party – 11am-10pm
Fri, Jan, 06: Freeport – Vrooom – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick – 7am-2pm
Sat, Jan, 07: at sea – Carnival Legends – Eric Brouman/Jim Brick

Dave Wojtylko asked:
Hello John,

We’re big fans of the blog, and of Carnival. We just returned from the October 22 sailing of the Carnival Freedom, and since you seem to enjoy positive reviews I figured I’d drop you a note.

We booked this cruise in celebration of my 25th wedding anniversary. A few weeks prior to the cruise my wife was diagnosed with gallstones and had to have her gallbladder removed, and due to some complications she ended up hospitalized for a week. After she was released and we knew that she would be okay, we still feared that she might not be cleared to travel. On the Wednesday just prior to the cruise she received the “OK” from her doctor, but with strict guidelines on physical activity and diet. Our cruise quickly shifted from an adventurous excursion packed week to one of complete relaxation and recuperation.

I can say with complete honesty that there is absolutely nothing about which I can complain. In fact, quite the opposite. Each staff member with which we came in contact was friendly, responsive, polite, and professional. We tried the steakhouse for the first time, on our anniversary, and it is truly something not to be missed. The staff in both the steakhouse and the main dining room took great care with my wife’s dietary restrictions.

We truly enjoyed the Latin trio that played in the main lobby most nights before dinner. They are truly gifted musicians, and we actually found ourselves hating to leave the lobby to go to dinner.

I know there were quite a few folks that were disappointed by the itinerary change due to the hurricane, but for us it was all just part of the adventure. We knew that the decision was made with our safety in mind, so we just rolled with it and adjusted our plans. We ended up booking the Sea Winds all inclusive excursion in Jamaica and had a wonderfully relaxing day in the sun. In Grand Turk, my wife surprised me with the Ultimate Snorkeling excursion while she did some light shopping then enjoyed a nearly empty Serenity deck. The tour company that runs the Ultimate Snorkel excursion has a top notch operation. They were very safety minded yet still fun and engaging, and their equipment was in very good condition.

Long story short, John, this cruise was everything we expected and needed, and we’ll definitely be cruising with Carnival again. In fact, we’re booked on the January 21 sailing of the Liberty. All the best to you and thank you very much for all you do.

Best regards,

Dave

John says:
Hello David,

First of all may I take the chance to say that I hope your wife is doing well after her illness and then may I thank you for this brilliant review. Changes in itinerary are never easy and I thank you for accepting them in a positive way. I will make sure the ship sees this and I will tell you that the Carnival Freedom continues to lead the way in our fleet ratings and for reasons you have brilliantly explained in this post. I hope you have a brilliant time in two weeks on your next cruise and I am so grateful to you for this brilliant review. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you.

Best wishes.

John

Peter Herne asked:
Hi John!

I just recently found your blog and wanted to pass on a comment from our last cruise on the Carnival Dream. We are platinum customers and on the Carnival Dream we sent in laundry with our cabin steward and my precious white shirt came back off white plus the creases in all the other laundered items were incorrectly done. I had even told our steward to iron them face down to prevent creases on collars and sleeves but he ignored me completely. I complained to passenger services and they offered to re-launder the clothes but they refused to give me the $110 for a ruined designer shirt. This may seem trivial to you Mr Heald but if you advertise a benefit then it should be done properly and I am telling you as a platinum customer it wasn’t.

John says:
Hello Peter Herne,

I am embarrassed to say that at 46 years old I have no idea how to iron something properly. When I lived at home my Mum did it all and then I came to the ships and my stateroom steward did it all and now Heidi my wife does it. My ironing skills are the same as Judge Judy’s pole dancing capabilities. I should point out that the state room steward doesn’t do the laundry. He will have taken it down to deck A forward to the laundry where a dedicated team will have cleaned and pressed your items. I sincerely apologise for this and and I have sent your comments about your shirt to our guest services team in Miami. I do hope you had a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Gene Brown asked:

Just a quick question, while on the Carnival Magic’s last 12-day cruise we were told by a VIP guests about the upcoming changes. We have been trying hard to reach 10 cruises and have our 7th booked in Feb. We didn’t understand the misleading info when we started cruising about sister companies and did one on Princess. Or the February cruise would have been eight for us. Any way back to what we were told was that after the first of the year it would take 150 days instead of 10 cruises to reach Platinum. Being so close to 10 and trying to do at least one cruise each year it will take us many years instead of us trying to get it by 2013. Unlike most of your requests I am not asking for everything on board to be reduced by 25% or to have chairs saved for every event or ask that my luggage be delivered to the room right after the captains like most people seem to think they are entitled to.

Just would like to be able to reach Platinum the way I started. Our Feb cruise will be our first that has not been at least seven days. I guess we could have booked a bunch of three days and made it sooner but we enjoy our seven-day cruises and feel that Platinum is just a little bonus for what we love and not something Carnival owes us. Thanks for your time. Sorry we missed you on the Carnival Magic, James was good but I wanted to see you in the purple dress! Just kidding.

John says:
Hello Gene Brown,

I am so sorry I could not be with you on the cruise although I hate that purple dress. I am hoping that you read this so I can tell you that when the new loyalty program does eventually come out that those who are close to one of the current two high levels of Platinum and Milestone will not be punished and will have their levels grandfathered in. I see from what you have told me that you will have nothing to be concerned about. Your loyalty is very important to us and I will hope to be able to tell you more about the program soon. Thanks for the kind words and hope to see you onboard one day soon.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Well, as promised here is the first report from the Carnival Spirit which as you may know is currently in dry dock. This is a very important two weeks for the ship not only to get her ready for her last Alaska and Hawaii season but also of course to get her ready for her voyage to Australia. During the next 14 days we will have the chance to see what’s happening there thanks to Stuart Dunn who is of course the ship’s vibrant cruise director and will be in Australia as well. I will have a full interview with him soon but here now is his first report from dry dock:

San Pedro — January 6, 2012.

After the guests disembarked the many contactors hired to carry out projects onboard embarked and started to work on the ship down almost immediately.

They were wasting no time as the entire ship was being transformed into a construction zone so work could take place, while still protecting the existing areas so floors, light fixtures, lounges etc do not get damaged.

A large project being carried out is the replacement of all the 1,062 existing televisions with LCD flat screens TV’s. Time was limited to have them removed from the cabin, carted to the open deck 10 placed onto pallets and wrapped in plastic so the pallets can be craned off before the ship set sail. The entertainment technicians, myself as well as housekeeping and F&B team members were all heavily involved in this project.

As I walked around the ship there were tool boxes, shipping containers, cement and tiling materials, structural steel and so much more being craned onboard from down on the pier. After being onboard the Carnival Spirit for such a long time it is really interesting to see the ship transform from a cruise ship to a construction zone..

Oh, and I have yet to introduce myself and make friends with whoever has been hammering and jack hammering directly above my cabin for the last eight hours. This may happen later, much, much later………………..

Stu
Cruise Director, Carnival Spirit

I can’t wait to see photos of the ship out of the water. Carnival Spirit will also be getting state of the art new gym equipment and of course that includes running machines or treadmill thingies. We have one here at home and it’s used about as much as Stevie Wonder uses his Xbox. We bought it when Heidi was pregnant some three years ago as she said she wanted to stay fit while carrying Kye and I of course said I would use it too. Its main selling point was that it promises to get me fit in four minutes a day. Yes, four minutes. It beautiful machine, in an Aston Martin meets Star Trek kind of way. In the beginning I used it and so did Heidi but now it has become unused except for a brilliant place on which to hang my underpants while I get in the shower. Anyway, more news on the Carnival Spirit soon and my thanks to the super fit Stuart for his first report.

So let’s talk Carnival Breeze, but before we do, let’s take a tour of the new ship shall we?

The new ship looks brilliant and I know you will all love her. Now let’s learn more about the 5D theater from one of our technology beards:

Fantastic, 5D, what a thrill that will be and I am on the case trying to find out what we will be showing. It’s going to be a wonderful addition and you even get to wear Elton John’s Rocket Man glasses to enjoy it. The beards have also come up with a wonderful way to kick off the announcement, and here is Vance to tell you more about it.

To excite fans about Carnival’s new Thrill 5D Theater and to get them into the “movie-viewing” mindset, Carnival, under license from Hasbro, Inc. has created “The 5D Challenge: TRIVIAL PURSUIT Edition” on Facebook.

Contest participants are asked to answer movie-themed trivia questions from Hasbro’s popular TRIVIAL PURSUIT brand.

One prize will be given away daily for the next five days (January 9-13) with contestants required to correctly answer three daily trivia questions to enter into a prize drawing.

Prizes include a 50-inch 3D Plasma HDTV, 3D phone, HD camcorder, and a $250 movie theater gift card. Also Hasbro Video and Board Game Prize Packs, including an Xbox 360 gaming console, will be given away throughout the contest period.

Enter here.

I mentioned on Facebook on Saturday that I had just watched the movie Taken and declared that Kye will never ever be allowed to leave the house – ever. It was though a brilliantly intense movie and one I enjoyed because over Christmas I had a diet of Peppa sodding Pig, The Sound of Music, The Holiday, and, of course, Alvin and The Chipmunks at the cinema where the highlight was when Kye lovingly declared to the entire theatre that that was “Dadda’s ship.” Heidi and I never agree on movies. I desperately want to go and see Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 347 or whatever the new one is but Heidi has bugger all interest in seeing this with me.

I love death, destruction, explosions and lashings of rumpy pumpy whereas my wife prefers movies full of love and kissing and movies that are wrapped in a big pink fluffy blanket which is why while Mum and Dad look after Kye on Wednesday night we won’t be seeing Tom Cruise hanging upside down over a computer or people being shot in the face with by a gun that can shoot round corners. Oh no, we are going to see something by Stephen Spielbastard called War Horse. I would rather watch naked 80 year olds do synchronized swimming than this film and while Heidi will be blubbering I am sure. I on the other hand will be wishing the Germans would just shoot the horse in the head and sell it as burgers to the French. Talking of old war horses, there is another film about a war horse called the Iron Lady which is about something Margaret Thatcher. I hear Meryl Streep is sensational.

To finish with today I have to talk about last Thursday where I apologised for not keeping my promise of making an announcement. There were many who I read on the boards that were upset at me and I faced deserving ridicule. Then there was the lady who didn’t like my humor and the lady who thought my comment about care homes was “disgusting.” I guess that I just can’t win these days because you never know who you are going to upset. You could give me any subject matter: iced tea, announcements (or lack thereof), care homes or horses and I bet that after half an hour I could come up with someone who was prepared to be angry about it. Every day I seem to say something that someone who lives in their mother’s attic and who spends 24 hours a day trawling the web pages will jump on your case and not let go.

Unfortunately, however, in the current climate it is no longer possible to express an opinion or make light of the world we live in because you are bound to upset a pressure group that then runs around waving its arms in the air and calling you a corporate puppet and calls for you to be taken to Gerry Cahill’s office and flogged with a wet Carnival beach towel. I have been apologising a lot recently and between me and you I am getting bloody well fed up with it.

My favourite apology was when the brilliant Clint Eastwood ordered those gunmen to apologise to his arse in A Fistful of Dollars. If the gunmen cowboy chaps had said sorry, the film would have been over. But they didn’t, so there was a lot of shooting and, in Clint’s case at least, plenty of squinting and spitting too.

As a word, “sorry” is very useful when you’re having an argument with your wife and there’s only 10 minutes before the football (saccccceerr) starts: “Yes, I know you just trod in one of Breeze’s turds and I was supposed to clean that up. I am a useless husband and I love you so much and I’m sorry. Now can I watch the game?” Sorry works when you fart in an elevator full of guests, or if you have said there will be a big announcement on the fifth when there isn’t.

Elton John once said that sorry seems the hardest word. But that’s not true. A brave man, a man with a spine and some iron in his blood would say: “I am not going to apologise and if you don’t like my blog and what I say and me then stop reading it and bugger off.”

But I am not that man so I can’t say that………………can I?

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I argued that when Heidi and Kye come and sail, who will look after the dog? That was always an excellent argument because I played on Heidi’s girly heart strings telling her how lonely the dog would be when we put it in a kennel and how it would be fed yak intestines and have nobody to play with. But then my sister went and bought a house with two acres of land and two dogs and a sodding horse to go with it stating that if we bought a dog it could, “Come and stay with them.” And that was me buggered then.

So we are getting a dog, a German shepherd to be precise, and I will enter the mysterious world of dog owners.

I guess there are many reasons why people choose to own a dog. To stop a wife’s endless sodding nagging; for companionship, as an excuse to take the occasional walk. I met a chap recently who says he bought a dog to replace his wife who had sadly passed away. And I’m sorry but I don’t understand this. I understand the companionship part of it to a degree but how can a dog possibly do that? It can’t cook, or iron, although if it is a smart dog I guess you could train it to pick your dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.

Don’t get me wrong, I know getting a dog will be a good thing for Heidi and Kye and certainly with me away so much a big old German shepherd would give a huge sense of security to our home. But I know that Heidi will pour love and affection onto the little cute puppy because that’s what we humans do and sometimes I think that we love animals a lot more than we love people. And the animal we love most of all is the dog. Dogs make us go all fluffy in the head. No really……..think about it.

Take your average disaster movie……….like 2012. In the film thousands of people are killed by a devastating tsunami. But not to worry because we are treated to a close up of the heroine’s dog boarding a rescue ship just in time. Then you have Armageddon in which giant meteorites destroy most of New York. But this is no problem because when the destruction is over, we see that the dog that we thought had been killed is in fact perfectly all right since it was only people that die a horrible death.

Yep, we love dogs and now it’s my turn to love them as well. I am sure owning one will have its good points. It will bark and growl and bite the head off anyone who tries to do my family harm. In the evening it will lay down on its rug looking all sweet and cuddly. And all it demands in return for its sweetness and its work as a bodyguard is a place to do a crap and a bowl full of food.

But supposing we chose a dog that isn’t like that. Supposing we choose a dog that turns out to be violent. She is very violent. Seriously, I worry about this. Last year my mate Danny bought a dog I am not sure what make it was but it was big bugger with teeth. Danny bought it for basically the same reason as I will be buying one, security for his family as he also travels a lot for business. But in the first year, the dog had eaten the young lad who delivers the newspapers, the mailman and had tried to kill his Uncle Harold. No, don’t laugh, it’s true. His 80-year-old Uncle Harold was visiting and sneezed really loudly and Danny’s dog went for him and when I visited it would always have a face that would say, “Who the f**k are you looking at ?

Basically this dog was Joe Pesci.

I mentioned this to Heidi but to no avail, we are getting a dog and a male dog at that which means we will have to go through the whole leg humping thing and the humiliation of walking a male dog in heat as he tries to do doggie rumpy pumpy with an unsuspecting female poodle. And it won’t just be other dogs he will try and mount, nope, it will be the washing machine, the keyhole in the front door, me, Kye’s friends. Yep, it will hump anyone and everyone’s leg ……………..even mine ………..but like all living things that try and have rumpy pumpy with me …………it will do so with its eyes closed.

Heidi has not thought this through. She thinks the worst thing that could happen is that the dog will unravel the toilet roll or that the cheeky thing may during its toilet training drop a dog turd in my Nikes. No dog breeder or rescue dog center ever tells a prospective customer that one day the cute little ball of fluff in which they’re interested will try to have rumpy pumpy with a vacuum cleaner.

This is the reality of dog ownership. Turds and piss everywhere. Mess. Huge expense and the constant desire to hump something. Actually, thinking about it, why does Heidi want a dog? She’s got me……….there’s no real difference.

Time for some Q and A…..here we go

Joanne asked:
Hi John,

Love your blog and comments on Facebook – you’re a credit to Carnival!
My husband and I recently got married (after 16 years together) on
9/11 – we wanted to make the day memorable for good reasons We will be sailing on the Carnival Valor from Miami on February 4, 2012 and I would love to know if there is something special that can be arranged on our cruise. It doesn’t have to be anything big nor costly but I would like to surprise my husband since we will be celebrating our honeymoon on the cruise.
Would you also happen to know who the CD will be on that sailing? Keep writing your honest and hilarious blogs and would love to meet up with you one day if our paths should cross while on board. This will be our third cruise on board Carnival and we look forward to many more.

Thanks again,

Joanne

Johns says:
Hello Joanne,

That is a very special and very memorable day to get married, Jo and I wish you many happy years together. At the time of writing, I don’t have the CD schedule yet. There have been many unexpected changes we have had to make but hopefully this week I can post it here on the blog. I will ask you to post your cabin number a week before you sail on my Facebook page and I will gladly send you a honeymoon gift. Thanks for writing and for your kind words.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Nikki Gazis asked:
Hi John,

First let me say thank you.. I enjoy your posts and blogs!!!! I took my first cruise with Carnival in 2008… I am planning on my 16th Carnival cruise in January and am concerned about the loyalty program and how I will be affected… (Selfish huh?? LOL).. Is there any place that I can read about the new policy???

Thanks so so much!!!!

Nikki

John says:
Hello Nikki Gazis,

It’s absolutely not selfish at all, Nikki, because your loyalty means a lot to you and of course to us as well. I am sure you will have read my recent blogs and Facebook posts that have stated that there will be four levels and while I can’t tell you what those levels will be based on just yet, I can tell you that anyone close to the next level based on the current loyalty program will have their status protected. Please don’t worry and if there is anything else you need before you cruise again, please let me know. There will be more information on the loyalty program very soon.

Best wishes.

John

William Marrin asked:
John,

On my recent Freedom cruise I was severely embarrassed by the cabin boy. My wife and I were in cabin 6398 and had as we do in hotels we immediately put the do not disturb sign on the door. We are very particular people and do not want strangers touching our personal possessions. We do not need bed sheet changes and new towels as we protect the environment we live in. Your passengers should know that new towels every day is a disgrace. The planet needs help now and if we do nothing, then the temperature rise could be 7 degrees within a century, at which point the survival of our species will be in the balance. The reason we were embarrassed though was even though the do not disturb sign was on the door, the cabin boy knocked on our door at 5:30pm while we were resting from our day ashore. We did not hear the knock on the door until it was too late and the cabin boy was inside. We asked him to leave immediately and were horrified and complained to the front desk but nothing was done. I have written to the president of Carnival Cruise Lines and was told to bring this to your attention as well. Do not disturb means exactly that, doesn’t it? I am at this time thinking of never cruising Carnival again and telling everyone I can to do the same unless I receive the proper and correct apology.

John says:
Hello William Marrin,

Thank you for your post and I can understand why you are so upset by what happened. However, I would like to explain the company’s position on this and I am sure this is what you will have heard from the guest services officers on the ship. If a do not disturb sign is left on the door for more than one straight 24-hour period, we will knock and enter the cabin. This is only done to make sure that the guests inside the cabin are well and are in no harm. This is something we are obligated to do and comes from what I can only describe as a harsh learning process. Please accept my apologies but I hope you understand that the stat room steward was only following instructions and only had your best interests at heart. I hope you had a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Monty R. Jones asked:
Hello John,

Just booked our cruise on the Carnival Magic for April 29, 2012 and was wondering if you were still going to be the cruise director then. I know that your life will soon be a Carnival Breeze later next year but sure was hoping that you would still be on the Carnival Magic at the end of April. Sure would like to cruise with you someday. This will be our eighth Carnival cruise and we love Carnival.

John says:
Hello Monty R Jones,

Unfortunately, I will already be in the ship yard in April and so I won’t be the CD during your wonderful Carnival Magic cruise. I am sure you will have a fantastic time and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes

John

Marge Fairweather asked:
Dear John,

My girlfriend and I (both Platinum guests) cruised on the Dream January 1-7,2011. Our CD, Butch, was the BEST we have had on all of our 14 past cruises. We want to cruise again on the Dream in February 2012 for one of those Zero birthdays but I am having a very hard time trying to determine if Butch will still be on the Dream then. I have called Miami and continue to look on the schedule and still have not been able to get any information. Can you please let me know where Butch will be during the month of Feb 2012 so that I can book our next cruise?

Please, please…

Thank you,

Really enjoy your blog – it keeps me smiling! We’ll be on Ecstasy on
Nov.12 but we look forward to sailing with Butch again.

Marge Fairweather

John says:
Hello Marge Fairweather,

I love it when guests post their admiration for my colleagues and nobody gets as many words of praise as Butch, he is truly one of a kind. Butch, though, will be on vacation come February and will then return here to the Carnival Magic which will become his ship in March. The Carnival Dream will be in the capable hands of Steve Knicley who is of course a brilliant CD who I know you will really find loads of fun. The full CD schedule will be posted soon. I see you are on board the Carnival Ecstasy so I hope you are having (had) a brilliant time.

Best wishes

John

Zac Porritt asked:

It will be a very special cruise when me and my family walk up the gang plank of the Carnival Splendor on 11/27. My wife works very hard as a nurse and it’s our 10th wedding anniversary. I heard that you do gifts and surprises so would like one delivered to my wife on 11/30 which is our actual anniversary. I didn’t know if you needed our booking number but it’s ****** and if you could decorate our cabin as well that would be a special touch for this wonderful woman. We are looking forward to our cruise and your gifts will make it extra special, I hope.

John says:
Hello Zac Porritt,

Thanks so much for booking your anniversary cruise with us and I know you will have a wonderful time. You can order cabin decorations through our bon voyage department at carnival.com or indeed give them a call and I am sorry that I can’t arrange this for you. I will though, send you an anniversary gift and wish you both the best of times.

Best wishes.

John

Vic asked:
Hi John,

With all this talk of change coming to the Past Guest Program, I wondered if there was any talk of a Carnival Corp program where as a Princess and Carnival cruiser my points would count for both?

John says:
Hello Vic,

Unfortunately, there are no plans for this. Carnival, Cunard, Princess, Holland America, P & O, Costa Cruise Lines, Seabourn and AIDA all have very specific programs and it would be very difficult to factor all the cruise lines into one loyalty program. I hope you continue to enjoy your cruises with both Princess and Carnival and thank you for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Paul Hassick asked:
John,

I have followed you on Facebook and now your blog and you seem to enjoy what you do but you must realize that many of the things you write are X rated and that there are children and people who may find your comments offensive that also read your page and your blog.

John says:
Hello Paul Hassick,

You are absolutely correct and I shall certainly try and remember this and apologise if anything I have written may have offended you.

Best wishes.

John

Denise Draper asked:

First of all, I want to say thanks for all of the grins and giggles (and sometimes grrrrs) that I get from reading the blog thingy and the FB page. I have had the pleasure of semi-coordinating a family cruise on the Magic in February 2012. We’re currently up to 20 folks in 9 cabins.

The real fun is that this is the first cruise for 11 of them!! I can’t wait! I’m a Carnival cruiser through and through and the experience I/we had getting this cruise together just confirmed why.

We worked with a fantastic Carnival rep named Phyllis Elkins. She did a great job keeping all of my tidbits of info straight from when I called her to matching it up to my family members that called to finish up their bookings. All the usual great customer service that I’ve come to know I would get when dealing with Carnival. She didn’t stop there, though. There were little things that were just “wow” moments for me that really made dealing with her a joy. Big example…I was trying to set her up with as much information on each family member as possible so they (especially the newbies) didn’t have to do much more than call up, confirm a cabin and give her a credit card number. During this, I realized that I didn’t know my 15-year-old nephew’s birthday. I was too ashamed to ask my brother…I called myself a bad aunt. Phyllis would get it from him when he called her and she wouldn’t let him know that I didn’t know. A few days later, I received an email with the subject line “for the bad aunt.” She had sent me my nephew’s birthday! It might seem like a little thing, but it really impressed me…a lot!

I would love it if there are any beards in Phyllis’ vicinity to give her a heartfelt pat on the back for me when they walk by. She’s an awesome rep…And not a bad spy, either!

John says:
Hello Denise Draper,

Another wonderful comment about one of our shoreside employees and it’s people like Phyllis that can make such a difference. Please know that I have sent this to the vice president beard in charge of our call centers and I know that Phyllis will be thrilled when she sees this. I will be seeing you on the Carnival Magic and if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know and get ready for a brilliant time.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Tommy Lyons asked:

I saw on your blog about clearing out the Punchliner between shows so others would have a chance to see a show. When I was on the Dream and the Fun Dude who I believe was the club manager did clear out the club and he did an excellent job interacting with the guest and maintaining order. He is an excellent manager, comedian and gentleman. I think it would help if he introduced himself on the welcome aboard show where he could introduce himself and talk about the club and let everyone know what to expect.

John says:
Hello Tommy Lyons,

Jeff, the Fun Dude, is quite a character isn’t he and he runs his comedy club as well as anyone we have in that position. We are now adopting his clearance policies in all our comedy clubs and it seems to be working. I think it’s a great idea for him to introduce himself before at the welcome aboard show and I will ask my colleagues to make sure all the comedy club managers do this. Great suggestion, Tommy, and I hope you had a brilliant laugh at the Punchliner.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

I have concentrated a lot on the Carnival Liberty and the Carnival Magic in the past few weeks and I was reminded of two big voyages that are upcoming for the Carnival Inspiration and the Carnival Paradise so over the next few weeks I will talk a bit more about them. Let’s remind ourselves of where they are going starting with the Carnival Paradise as she heads to Tampa.

• Mon, Nov, 28 Long Beach 8am-4pm
• Tue, Nov, 29 at sea
• Wed, Nov, 30 Cabo 12pm-7pm
• Thu, Dec, 01 PVR 11am-7pm
• Fri, Dec, 02 at sea 10am-6pm
• Sat, Dec, 03 at sea
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Puntarenas 8am-7pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Panama Canal 6am-5pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Cartagena 9am-4pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Cayman 7am-4pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea

And now the Carnival Inspiration’s journey to California:

• Sat, Dec, 03 Tampa dep @ 4pm
• Sun, Dec, 04 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 05 Cayman 8am-5pm
• Tue, Dec, 06 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 07 Cartagena 7am-2pm
• Thu, Dec, 08 Panama transit 6am-5pm
• Fri, Dec, 09 at sea
• Sat, Dec, 10 Punta Arenas, C.R. 8am-6pm
• Sun, Dec, 11 at sea
• Mon, Dec, 12 at sea
• Tue, Dec, 13 at sea
• Wed, Dec, 14 Puerto Vallarta 8am-4pm
• Thu, Dec, 15 Cabo 8am-3pm
• Fri, Dec, 16 at sea

I will fill in the entertainment line ups and special events soon and both ships will have dance instructors, bridge instruction and arts and crafts as well as other special events. I have never done a Panama Canal crossing but from what everyone tells me, they are very special voyages and I wish all of you who are sailing on the Carnival Paradise and the Carnival Inspiration’s repositioning cruises the most wonderful time.

So what an incredible day it was in Galveston. In days gone past we would have invited a few travel agents on a new ship, given them a few drinks and that would have been it. But there we were in Galveston, opening the doors to 4,000 people to come and enjoy a free concert by one of the world’s top bands. The atmosphere was electric and excitement was equally shared by the residents of Galveston, most of whom were wearing, “Galveston Loves Magic” pins and the Carnival executives who under the charge of our Chief Marketing Officer Jim Berra put together an incomparable day and my congratulations to them for doing so.

Obviously, it was a huge thrill for me to introduce Maroon 5 but I have to tell you I was a bit nervous. There I was, five minutes before the concert, listening to the fans screaming and shouting and chanting the band’s name. Their anticipation had reached fever pitch and they were ready to give the band the most incredible welcome and judging by what a few of the ladies at the front were wearing, they were also ready to give the band anything they wanted and one or two looked like they were ready to spread easier than warm butter.

So the 4,000 people were ready to go crazy for Moves Like Jagger. But first, this fat English bloke was going to come out which would drastically change that mood. So my nerves therefore were based on the fact that my job was to go out on stage and put the crowd back in the mood they were already in before I walked out on stage in the first place. But it went well, I think, and along with the wonderful Justin, our dance contest winner, and some silly jokes the audience seemed to appreciate my 10 minutes and I hope they had some fun. We shot lots of video and in case you missed any of the highlights, here are some of them as shot by Peter the Hair, Jay I Like Guys and Eric the Beard.

So what of the band. Well they were not what I expected. What do I mean by that? Well …………… they were …………ummmm……………nice. Really nice, really pleasant and not very ………..well……… rock and roll.

There is a program on Discovery Channel called The Most Dangerous Jobs in the World which shows dangerous careers like tunnel builders, high rise construction, crab fishing, mine clearing, etc. But if you look at years past, being a rock star was surely the most dangerous job in the world.

Let’s see how many we can list from days gone by. OK…………….here we go. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Jim Morrison, Marc Bolan, Eddie Cochran, Brian Epstein, Duane Allman, most of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Keith Moon, Cozy Powell, Alex Harvey, Ricky Nelson, Pete Ham and Tom Evans from Badfinger, Tim Hardin, Phil Lynott, Janis Joplin. Bon Scott from AC/DC, half of the Grateful Dead, Chas Chandler, Johnny Kidd, Rory Gallagher, John Belushi, Elvis, Patsy Cline, Brian Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Sid Vicious, even Karen Carpenter.
Suicide, plane or helicopter crashes. Car accidents, drowning in their own vomit, or in their own swimming pools. Picking up a guitar back then it seems was as lethal as picking up a rattlesnake.

Look how many of those stars died so young back then. Coming home from school and saying you were going to fight in a war would have prompted a sigh of relief from your parents, “Well thank God you’re not going to be in a band.”

Now, though, things are different. With the notable and noble exception of Kurt Cobain, who killed himself with a shotgun, and the sad demise of the brilliant Amy Winehouse and of course Michael Jackson who I don’t think we will ever truly understand, today’s rock stars seem to be in good health.

Last time I looked, Justin Beaver hadn’t smoked a palm tree and driven his skateboard into his swimming pool and drowned.

Perhaps this is the problem with music today. Back when I was a teenager, I would rush to see a band like Black Sabbath, The Who and Iron Maiden partly because I loved their music and because I had a feeling that they would all be dead by the following week.

You certainly don’t get any of that from Adam Levine. I watched him perform and while the bloke has a brilliant voice and the girls all want to see his gentlemen’s sausage there was no sense that he might be found the next morning in a Galveston hotel room full of naked women with vodka bottles all around.

I have to admit, though, that I really liked their music, I mean I really did and that surprised me because I don’t like most modern music. There was talk of us bringing in the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the Galveston event, who, so far as I’m concerned, could not make a worse sound if they spent an hour shoving cattle prods up their bottoms.

So here we are, the Carnival Magic has started her cruises from Galveston and I have to say something really important. The steakhouse is sold out every night with a waiting list of 80 names and the Cucina del Capitano will have served 600 by the end of the cruise. RedFrog had a quiet first night but is now the center of attention with the so very talented Ron Pass packing the piano bar. The atmosphere is fantastic.

As you may have read on my Facebook page, the ship had to cancel the port of Costa Maya and head instead to Progreso. This allows us to continue and complete the maintenance and repair of the starboard aft thruster and having the ship overnight in Progreso allows us to do this. Now obviously a change like this can cause some concern and some complaints. But do you know how many formal complaints we have had…………seven. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that there are others who haven’t voiced a formal complaint but it’s still pretty amazing that just seven comments stating that they didn’t like the itinerary change. The current group of guests on the Carnival Magic seem like a relaxed easy going bunch which is what I’ve found in general about our Texas-based ships. They’re just here to have a good time no matter what. Guests here love the ship, they really love the ship and 99% of the guests have accepted the change and are continuing to laugh, have fun and enjoy their vacation and that’s simply brilliant.

But it’s not just those on the ship. You see I stayed in a hotel for two days and listened to people talking in the restaurants and around the streets of Galveston. They were all speaking with huge pride that the Carnival Magic was there and indeed that they felt that the Carnival Magic was theirs. Texans are fun, Texans are spirited, Texans want everything bigger and that’s why Galveston is therefore the perfect home for the Carnival Magic. Fun for y’all…………….y’all for fun.

My only disappointment so far is that I haven’t seen one cowboy hat, not a single one. How can this be? It’s the inaugural cruise from Texas and we didn’t have any cowboy hats. I met loads of blog readers, many from Texas but none were cowboys. Where were the rough, tough, cowboys who sleep under the stars and fart around the camp fire?

I wanted a tobacco chewing, snakeskin boot wearing, howdy partner saying dude who grew up on a diet of country music and who could teach me how to rope cattle and ride bucking horses. I wanted to meet a real cowboy, but there were none.

But then suddenly, last night I met one. He was in the RedFrog Pub and he had a cowboy hat on. He wasn’t though quite what I had expected. His jeans were four inches too short, his stomach seven inches too fat and along with his cowboy hat, he wore a t-shirt with a picture of a Harley Davidson that said, and I quote: “If you haven’t seen God… it’s because you’re not going fast enough.”

See y’all after supper.

Your friend,

John

Have a question about the Carnival Liberty dry dock or any of the Fun Ship 2.0 spaces? Submit it on Carnival’s Facebook page for a chance to have it answered in an upcoming video.

Before we took off the guy in the seat in front of me got a bollocking from the American Airlines flight attendant for not turning his Eyephone off. His name was Cyrus. I know this because he spoke so loudly that the person in row 45 was deafened by his shout. Cyrus wanted the whole plane to know that sure that he was important and spoke so loudly that everyone was looking at him which is I think was exactly what he wanted. He was talking about “strategy” and how his team is preparing a “two-pronged attack.” I was also preparing a two-pronged attack, as well. One prong will be shoving his Eyephone up his arse and prong two will be shoving a pair of my underpants in his mouth.

However his behavior was nothing compared with the chap at the end of my row. Sitting next to me was a middle aged lady who said nothing the entire flight. She just read her Kindle thingy and I tried to read my new Andy McNab book and doze away the tiredness of an international flight and a New York press conference. However at the end of row 12 sat a man who was even bigger than me and had to ask for a seat belt extension. I felt very sorry for the lady who was sitting between two big guys in seats that were only designed for an anorexic hamster to sit in.

Anyway, after takeoff I closed my eyes and as soon as I did I heard a noise. I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was sort of a sucking noise and this was preceded by a sort of chomping. I looked for the source of this disgusting sound and there was Mr. 12D holding an empty polystyrene coffee cup gobbing large black waves of chewing tobacco into the cup. I couldn’t believe this was he allowed to do this? After all this was a non-smoking flight and wasn’t this a form of smoking? Well, being British I said nothing and neither did the lady next to him and I watched as he shoved another bail of tobacco in his mouth and that was me listening to him for the remainder of the flight spitting into a cup. So I had Cyrus the Shouter and Mr. Spit to spend the flight with, plus there was the most disgusting smell around my part of the plane. I then realised where the putrid smell was coming from. It was ummmm……….me………..and my eggs Benedict.

Time for today’s Q and A – off we go.

Derek V asked:
John,

I am off on my second cruise with Carnival going on the Carnival Dream and am very excited. Can you tell me if you are able to walk all the way forward to where the ship’s bell is as I want my photo taken there. Thanks, John.

John says:
Hello Derek V,

I hope this answer gets to you before you sail and my apologies for the delay in answering. The answer is officially no as this is a crew only deck. I am so sorry that you are unable to use this area for a photo but you can have one taken with the ship’s lucky coin. I won’t tell you where it is as half the fun is finding it. I wish you a brilliant time on your Carnival Dream.

Best wishes.

John

Jenifer asked:
Hi John,

First of all thanks for your blog, it helps to remind me of that great atmosphere on the Carnival ships in between cruises. I just finished my third cruise with Carnival on the Carnival Destiny and brought my dad and sister along this time. This was their first cruise and they were a little skeptical before but now I can promise you they are as addicted as me. The reason why I am writing is that I was not one of the lucky people to get a comment card and I just have to tell you how great of a time we have had. Carnival service always blows me away and is the reason I keep coming back. All staff seems to go above and beyond, and not only when they expect a tip. Everyone really seems to care that we are happy and having a great time. Traveling to Miami my Dad said he felt like any time you wanted any service you had to pay extra for it and that’s why he hated traveling and he immediately saw the difference once we got aboard the Carnival Destiny. I’m going to try not to take up too much of your time but there are a few things I have to tell you about.

- First of all, we had the my time dining option but we were lucky enough to have Nick in the Galaxy dining room three of those nights and he was amazing. Please let him know how much is his hard work is appreciated and how special he made our nights.

- My sister forgot her driver’s license for the wave runner excursion (I think Carnival called them “aqua tracks”). Guest services was great and went out of their way to make phone calls and confirm that everything would be ok once we got to Half Moon Cay and seemed to be ready with lots of options to make sure we had a great day no matter what. This is exactly why booking excursions though Carnival is worth it.

- Trevor our cruise director was great. I don’t like too many announcements but he seemed to have the perfect amount for my taste, not bothersome but I felt like I always knew what was going on. Trevor was also very funny and we will look to cruise with him again so we can see more of his shows.

- I have to say WOW to the lido deck bartenders who were all great. Always happy and smiling even when they spent all day hauling supplies on and off of Half Moon Cay and still working into the night on lido deck. Your staff is second to none!

OK, so with the good there is always room for improvement. None of these things would ever cause us to stop cruising with Carnival but I would still like to mention these few small things.

- My sister is diabetic and drinks a lot of diet pop. The only choice was Diet Coke, a few other diet pop selections would be appreciated in the future (Diet Sprite, Diet Fanta etc.)

- During embarkation the lines are already long and having to stop for the group picture takes even longer when all everyone wants to do is get on the ship and eat, maybe excluding this picture stop could alleviate some congestion.

- Has Carnival thought about purchasing or partnering with an airline and/or hotel? The two worst parts of our vacation were the hotel and airline. I would love to use a hotel and airline that tried to hold more closely to Carnival’s expectation of customer service and if we could take a Carnival shuttle from the hotel to the ship the morning of the cruise I would defiantly take advantage.

- In the casino the roulette tables were always so crowded a few more would be great, although I understand that space is at a premium.

Once again thank you, thank you, thank you to all the Carnival Destiny staff for a wonderful, magical vacation! We will be back as soon as we possibly can!

Jenifer

John says:
Hello Jenifer,

Thanks so much for this great review and I have sent this to the ship and the people in charge in the Miami office as well for their viewing pleasure. I am so glad that you had fun and that the crew made a difference to your time on board. I am also diabetic and know that some choices are limited although we do have Diet Sprite or Sprite Zero available but certainly a diet orange drink would be great and I will make sure I pass this along. We don’t have a current partnership with hotels around the Caribbean and I do though know that sometimes this and the flying can be the most stressful parts of the cruise. I will mention the embarkation area and thanks for bringing this to my attention. Overall though it’s great to see that you had so much fun and I hope we see you and the family again on board one of our ships.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Jason Cook asked:
John,

Just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading your blog over the last couple of years and that I hope to be able to sail with you soon. As for my question I will be sailing on the Carnival Conquest January 22, 2012 on a seven-day cruise. I want to book the steakhouse in advance, but wanted to make sure I didn’t do it the same day as elegant night. Do you happen to know the day(s) that elegant night will be held this cruise?

Thanks in advance,

Jason

John says:
Hello Jason Cook,

Thanks for those kind words and I will tell you that the elegant night will be on the Monday and the Friday. You can book the steakhouse through the blog and if you think I can be of help with anything else please let me know. I wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Michael S asked:

I read your blog and Facebook and have a great deal of respect for the patience you seem to possess when dealing with customers. However, I do have one request regarding some of the questions appearing on the blog that have to do with unreasonable and rude demands. Specifically, I’m referring to those allegedly coming from Cruise Critic members who also claim to speak for ALL other Cruise Critic members. Printing questions and/or demands from these kinds of people only gives them legitimacy. Excluding them would make your blog much more enjoyable and informative.

John says:
Hello Michael S,

This point has come up recently both here and on Facebook. The problem is that I have no way of knowing who is legitimate and who is not. I know that most people on Cruise Critic are very kind and that they provide so much good information for those who love cruising. However there are also people who dislike me but more importantly will take every opportunity to say anything they can that will put Carnival in a negative light. My question then is how do I know who is a true Cruise Critic member and who is, as you call them, “a troll?” I have read on the links that are posted here how some love NCL and think everyone should boycott Carnival and some of the truly nasty things they say about me which for the mostly part I manage to rise above. But when someone posts a comment that includes a link to something on Cruise Critic I have been posting it. I have to tell you that I am giving very serious consideration to not posting or answering anything with the words Cruise Critic in it as I obviously can’t win. The only exception to this would be requests for me to organise a meet and greet which I do all the time and will be happy to continue. I will let you know my decision on this soon and thanks so much for raising this very valid point and for the kind words about the blog.

Best wishes.

John

Wild asked:
Hi John!

I just changed our two cabins on Carnival Liberty, sailing 10/22/11 from Miami, to aft OV cabins 2473 (me and hubby) and 2477 (teen daughter and her best friend). I was sort of surprised to see especially 2473 available. Most reviews I read were very good but a few mentioned the noise. I noticed on one of your older blogs that you’ve stayed in this room yourself. It looks simply huge from all the pics I’ve seen – if you have just a minute and you remember, can you tell me what kind of engine noise you experienced in that room? Thanks John! Looking forward to sailing with you in October!

John says:
Hello Wild,

I have indeed stayed in 2473 and it is indeed a huge cabin and you will truly enjoy it. The only noise is during docking in ports when you hear are thrusters which are directly beneath you and the cabins on deck 1. That aside I can promise that you will really love this cabin and that you will be very comfortable and very happy there. I wish you all a wonderful cruise and of course I will be on board with you.

Best wishes and see you soon.

John

The Griffin Family asked:
John!

We have a family reunion group cruising on Carnival Paradise on 10/17. There are 12 of us and we are all from different parts of California and Utah. On the cruise we will celebrate my folk’s 50th wedding anniversary and would like them to feel special. Can you send them something and we want them to be the stars of the newlywed and not so newlywed game that we have seen on past cruises. They will be in cabin E56. They love good wine and so that might be something you can send them or dinner with the captain would make them feel special as they have never been invited and they have cruised seven times!!!!!!! I know you are a busy man but this is very important so I hope you can make their dreams come true!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello the Griffin Family,

Thank you for booking your family on the Carnival Paradise for what I am sure will be a brilliant vacation and reunion. I won’t be able to get them seated at the captain’s table but I will for sure mention them to the cruise director and ask if he will consider them for the Marriage Show. It will ultimately be his choice but I will for sure bring your parents to his attention. I will also send them something to mark this wonderful milestone. I wish you the most wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Brenda S asked:
Hi John:

I very much enjoy your blog and follow you on Facebook too. My husband, my brother and myself will be on the Carnival Destiny on 9/10/11 in cabins 7292 and 7296. This will be my husband and my 3rd cruise with Carnival and my brothers first. We all three will be celebrating our birthdays (they are within a couple weeks of each other and this is our gift to ourselves, lol).

Anyway the two of them are wanting to do the dolphin swim in Grand Cayman. Due to health reasons I will not be participating in this activity but would like to be able to go with them to observe. Does Carnival offer any way for me to ride along with them without having to pay the full amount since I will not do the actual activity. I have been unable to get any information from the 1-800 reps and hope you can help. Thank you in advance for any assistance you may be able to offer.

John says:
Hello Brenda S,

I see you will be sailing next weekend and I am so sorry it has taken me this long to answer. You can indeed go along and watch the others do the dolphin swim. Please go to the shore excursion desk on the ship and tell them and they will just charge you a minimum fee for the transportation. I think you have given yourselves a wonderful birthday gift and I wish you all the best of times.

Best wishes to you all and have fun.

John

Tom Truxton asked:
Greetings John,

I want to thank you for your wonderful blog, I started reading it when the Carnival Splendor had its “No SPAM was served” adventure and turn to it when I have the time. My wife and I will be taking our fourth Carnival Cruise (11th cruise overall) on the Carnival Spirit over Thanksgiving this year. When I realized it was our 11th cruise overall it made me realize that if we had stuck to one cruise line we would be “Platinum” or equivalent members on that line, but I also realized that we would not have enjoyed the varied experiences we have had. But it did make me want to ask, has Carnival Corp. entertained combining the loyalty programs of all their lines? Since Carnival owns Carnival Cruise Lines, Holland America Line, Princess Cruises, P&O Cruises, Cunard, AIDA, Costa Cruises and Iberocruceros, I am sure there are a number of cruisers, like ourselves, who have sampled multiple Carnival Corp products.

Also, as a member of the Cruise Critic community I want to point out that most members of that community enjoy the information that we share on those forums and our joy of cruising as a whole and as a group we are not the complainers that Cruise Critic members seem to get the reputation of. Anyway, once again, thank you for your humor and tact in the things you deal with and I hope that someday we will be able to sail with you as our cruise director.

Tom Truxton

John says:
Hello Tom Truxton,

Thanks so very much for those kind words and I really am glad you are enjoying the blog. The subject of the combined loyalty program has been well discussed amongst the corporation’s beards but because each line has such an individual program it was decided it would be impossible to do. It is a shame though as I know many like to try our sister companies and maybe one day they will be able to discover a way to do this. I want to thank you for your loyalty though and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you before you sail on the Carnival Spirit. I am indeed well aware that most of the Cruise Critic members are exactly as you describe them which is why as I stated above I am giving serious consideration not to posting anything except meet and greet requests in order to protect the vast majority of people from the reputation that Cruise Critic sometimes fairly and unfairly receives. Thanks once again and have a brilliant time on your Thanksgiving cruise.

Best wishes.

John

Kerry B asked:
John,

Your statements in the blog today about Cruise Critic really made my blood boil and I thought it was totally unprofessional for you to say what you did. Cruise Critic is a place where people come together to share their stories and ask questions and the cruise industry must realize that it is a very important Web site. You though seem to enjoy saying that it’s full of horrible people and it isn’t and you should take the time to visit the boards and see this for yourself.

John says:
Hello Kerry B,

You see this is exactly what I mean and thanks so much for helping me describe what I am talking about. Obviously there are three comments referring to Cruise Critic and something I said a month ago which is when these questions were posted. I can’t remember what I said but if I offended anyone I apologise of course. But going back to what Tom and Michael said earlier in today’s Q & A, how do I know if this is a true post from a CC member or not? The answer is I don’t so does that mean I shouldn’t post it? It’s a really tough one and I am going to speak to Host Mach about if he agrees for me not to post comments with the words Cruise Critic in it then I won’t unless it’s the meet and mingle thingy. I think this may be the only way to truly protect the sites reputation and stop the battle that often ensues after I post something with a CC link. Thanks Kerry and my apologies again if I offended you.

Kay and Ben Boswell asked:
John,

We loved Joel and Lorna, singers on the Carnival Liberty several years ago. We want to know where they are singing so we can book that cruise.

John says:
Hello Kay and Ken Boswell,

This wonderful couple is currently on the Carnival Conquest and will remain there until January. I don’t have their schedule for next year yet but if you check with me in January I will let you know. They will be thrilled to know how much you enjoy them.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

Over the years the burger has been king of Lido deck but recently its reign has been under pressure. I thought about this a few weeks ago when I was on the Carnival Magic and sat on Lido having lunch……..The Mongolian Wok was cooking, the grand buffet and Taste of the Nations massively popular and the Tandoori was tempting guests to try the exotic tastes of India. Cucina del Capitano was busy serving pasta just like mama used to make yet, as the Lido Deck echoed to the sound of chomping the hamburger chef was Mr. Patel No Mates as some of his hamburgers were left uncooked, lonely and unwanted………it was so kind of sad to see.

I ate a burrito that day. It was filled with marinated steak, rice, cheese, sour cream, grilled onions and peppers, salsa and lettuce. When wrapped and covered in crisp white paper and accompanied by some tortilla chips, it looked more substantial than a Lido Big Mac and weighed about as much as a bowling ball. The burgers we served on Lido were excellent but against all the new competition of choices we offer our guests how could they survive. We served toppings of mushrooms, onions, cheese and even chili and short of offering a free naked Latvian woman with every order the hamburger would I think continue to be overlooked and left to a lonely life with only the odd Harry the Hot Dog to talk to. But that has all changed because step forward Guy Fieri and his ultimate burger.

Now I must admit that before we started the press conference I had spent a few days listening to various Carnival beards talk about burgers and who made the best and by the time Monday came along I was over burgers completely. I thought as if a ground meat patty in a bun was ever worthy of all this fuss and thought a hamburger requires nothing except a brief introduction to heat and slapping it between two pieces of bread. But all that changed when I met Guy and then tasted his burger. It was simply historic and the fact that we will be serving these burgers for free is jaw droppingly amazing I think.

So now I can proudly say that The Guy Fieri burger holds pride of place as the best hamburger I have ever eaten by a landslide, a simple but delicious one of a kind patty that looks as good as any photograph. They will be served on board in portions that will require an entire cruise to devour and you must, you simply must try one.

Here is a video of Guy and the incomparable George Lopez which I hope you enjoy.

I had a few requests to ask Guy if he will make a vegetarian burger (I think this was a question asked by a journalist at the press conference, actually) but nonetheless we will certainly find this out. However, having met him and seen his love of meat and his passion for his cooking, asking Guy Fieri to make a vegetarian burger would be like asking Ozzy Osborne to wear a dress and sing Wind Beneath My Wings.

I also met DJ IRIE who as you know will be enhancing our nightclub music and our deck party and sail away music etc as well as training all our DJ’s in the art of ummmm…….mixing and itching……or is it scratching. Every HEAT game I got to he gets the crowd really going. Anyway, he will be teaching them to mix Slap My Bitch Up into Wham’s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go and having heard about the incredible atmosphere he created in the nightclub on the Carnival Imagination he created when he sailed, I think we are in for something special.

Here is DJ IRIE:

So the press conference went very well and I must congratulate Gerry Cahill and his band of beards for really propelling Carnival into the future and it feels so good to be part of these new and exciting ventures. Someone on my Facebook page made an excellent point and that’s with all these new areas that ports of call may become less important and that some people may stay on board to use the facilities we have. It’s certainly a point to consider and there were times on Carnival Magic that I saw this for myself. Overall the comments were brilliant and although there were a few Nelly Negatives most of you used words like “excited” and “fantastic” and some picked the phone up and booked Carnival Liberty straight away. Some also asked about specific dates of the dry docks which is when much of the work to add the new areas is being completed.

So here are the dates as they stand right now:

Carnival Liberty – Dry Dock: Oct. 8-22, 2011

Carnival Breeze – Under construction – set to debut June 3, 2012

Carnival Dream – Dry Dock: Sept. 8-22, 2012

Carnival Conquest -Dry Dock: Oct. 14-28, 2012

Carnival Glory – Dry Dock: Nov. 2-15, 2012

Carnival Splendor – Dry Dock: 2012 – dates TBA

While we don’t have exact dates for the rest of the ships that will receive some or all of the upgrades here is a year by year list for you.

2013 – Carnival Destiny, Carnival Legend, Carnival Pride, Carnival Victory

2014 – Carnival Elation, Carnival Freedom, Carnival Triumph, Carnival Valor

2015 – Carnival Magic, Carnival Paradise

There are some ships not on the list and I will let you know of course as and when I hear about them. Oh and the news isn’t over yet………there will be more…..to be announced in the future. These are indeed very exciting times. It’s going to be a challenge for sure to get all the work completed on the Carnival Liberty in just two weeks. Look at the list they have to do.

• RedFrog Rum Bar
• BlueIguana Tequila Bar
• Alchemy Bar
• EA Sports Bar
• Guy’s Burger Joint
• BlueIguana Cantina

And of course I will be there to film all of this with Peter the Hair, Eric the Beard, and the video crew. Princess Cruises did an outstanding job making their dry dock videos and I hope to do the same and show you some true behind the scenes events as the Carnival Liberty is reborn.

Now during the press conference everything was happening thick and fast and I made two big mistakes. You see I was trying to report and host at the same time so please allow me to apologise and also correct those errors.

• I had said that Carnival Liberty’s Serenity area will be on Deck 9 aft but that information that I was given was wrong. I should have checked myself but I didn’t and everyone was so busy it’s not surprising that this happened. So Carnival Liberty will be getting a Serenity area and it will though be in two locations and that’s deck 12 forward on the starboard side and also where the slide entrance is on deck 14. As soon as I get to the ship I will film these areas for you and oh yes, we are adding whirlpools for adults only there as well. The furniture will be similar to our other Serenity areas and I have a feeling the one on Carnival Liberty will be our best yet.

• The second mistake I made was that I posted that Carnival Liberty will be getting the Library Bar complete with the wine tasting machine thingy. As the conference went on I understood that it was going to be on the Carnival Liberty but actually this will debut on Carnival Breeze. This sort of makes sense as the space on the Dream-class ships is perfect for this. One thing we will have to do is to move the Friends of Bill W meetings from there as it will not be appropriate to host those meetings there anymore.

So, RedFrog Rum Bar, BlueIguana Tequila Bar, Alchemy Bar, Guy’s Burger Joint, BlueIguana Cantina, DJ IRIE, George Lopez, EA Sports Bar, Hasbro Game Show, and Playlist Productions. The beards have planned a bright and exciting future and I truly hope you will come on board and share it with us.

Moving on, let’s talk about Halloween. Over the last few years we have held our Frightfully Fun events on the two cruises preceding the cruise that Halloween falls under. This year we will only be doing it on the 31st. The reason for this is because there was simply a lack of participation in the pre-Halloween cruises with only a handful of people taking part. Now maybe we could have done a better job in getting the message out but regardless this year the ships will be decorated in true Halloween spirit only on the cruises that have the 31st fall during it. I am very sorry for those who hoped it would be as previous years but I also have to say that personally I don’t care much for this event myself. To me it is just a parade of plastic horror that has us spending millions dressing our kids as mutilated zombies and calling it fun. Parents are expected to purchase witch and vampire costumes and fake severed hands and spend loads of money. I also don’t get that we worry so much about protecting kids from monsters and death and now shops offer a full themed wardrobe of torture and death that parents will buy without a care.

It’s in the UK as well now you know. Yep Halloween which for many years had not infected my home country is there now loud and proud and Heidi will no doubt dress Kye up as a fairy or Barney. The older kids love Halloween in the UK and they can even rent a costume to dress like Jack the Ripper. Well, you have to have a laugh about London’s most notorious serial killer don’t you? Are you able to get a Jeffery Dahmer costume in the States?

Anyway, I am in the minority here I know and I will leave you all and leave my wife to enjoy giving our kids licence to terrify old people in their homes under the excuse of “trick or treating.” I make a point of scaring all the children in my neighborhood throughout the year by acting bad tempered all the time so they dare don’t come near my house. I will be here in Miami on the 31st and already my colleagues that work here have asked me:

“What are you doing for Halloween?”

Probably the same as I’ll do for that equally relevant date in the calendar the “National Be A Vegetarian For A Day” event. Ignoring it……….and eating a huge Guy Fieri burger.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I have started making weird “old man” noises when I get up from sitting down at the desk and as I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, it’s not only the hair on my head that is grey. I am, however, still on my first marriage, haven’t actually lost any hair yet and I’m fit enough not to need a stair lift and although my underpants have more skid marks on them than I-95…….I still have control of my bodily functions. So things aren’t all bad.

Last night before I went to bed I read some of my book. At the moment I am reading Latvian Big Jugs featuring Annuskah who is dressed as a naughty nurse……..oh bugger……. ummmm ………… I mean I am reading a book about the life of Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Airlines. And last night the bearded billionaire says that when you have turned 40 you had to take a really hard look at your life and if you hadn’t got your act together, now was the time. When you get to 50, he said, if you still hadn’t got your act together it’s too late. So that’s me buggered then.

But seriously, I wonder how much longer can I keep working on ships? Kye calls the telephone “Dadda” and obviously I miss my family more than words can describe. But what else can I do? I get asked all the time “Why don’t you go work in the office for Carnival?” Good question. Well my family is in the UK so putting them in Miami is out of the question and besides, my Spanish sucks. The real reason is, of course, that I have nothing to offer. I can tell jokes about poo and write a simple blog and while I like to think I understand what you the guests want and I understand the operations of the cruise industry, I am about as useful for budgets and numbers and costs and flow charts as my friend Calvyn is useful with a pair of breasts.

So what to do? Carnival has an office in the UK from which they operate Cunard, P&O and other European operations. Maybe one day I will be sitting in a booth there watching my beard grow but the thought of doing that makes me feel totally depressed. Maybe one day I can work from home. Blog and Facebook and then travel on the ships for two weeks and come home again. But then I would miss the CD thing immensely. What to do then? Honestly I have no idea. Heidi said in her guest piece last week that she will support me always but I have to think how hard it is for her to be a Mum on her own as well. Yep, some serious thinking to be done for sure.

I think I may be having a mid-life crisis. If that’s the case then shortly I will start dressing like a teenager, which means the next time you see me I will have an earring, a baseball cap on backwards, I will be listening to Flo-Rida and hanging with my house boys…..and my pants will be worn so low down you will see the entrance to my arse The last option is to have an affair with a 20-year-old Latvian……but I don’t think either Heidi or thousands of blog readers would like that very much. I don’t actually mind getting old at all…..… honest. It’s just the next few years that worry me. Hopefully the next chapter of Richard Branson’s book will help me. In fact I think I will have a read now……..but not until I have seen how Nurse Annuskah is doing.

Time now for some Q and A…………..let’s get on with it.

Travel Agent asked:
Hi John,

Let’s see if this one goes through. It won’t load on other of your posts or on Facebook for some reason. Here is what I said regarding what you said about Richard Spacey on RCI: “I recently cruised on RCI with their CD Richard Spacey. I was surprised to see that he got a mention in your blog. Although he was humorous at times, I found much of what he said and did, and the way he frequently acted to be rather immature. And I even put that on my post-cruise comment card. My mother agreed with me, as well about that. Also, as a travel agent, I had a few questions that he (the CD) would have been the best person to answer, about the activities for example, and I was informed that he wasn’t available for the entire cruise. Now, even thought I haven’t cruised with you yet, from everything I’ve read in here and on your “blog thingy,” you actually do make yourself available at just about all hours, despite your already lessened eating and sleeping hours schedule. I truly believe that you, John, are what a true CD is supposed to be. I really do look forward to cruising with you on my next holiday.”

John says:
Hello Travel Agent,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I hope you had fun on your recent cruise. I have seen a few videos of Richard’s work and I have to say I thought he was very funny indeed. I have never cruised with him though and it was interesting therefore to read your observations. Cruise directors come in many shapes and sizes and with many different personality types. Some are outrageous and funny, some are calm and leave the jokes to the comedians. Some have acts and are singers, jugglers and comedians and some are just ex-bar waiters who are as talented as dead hamster. All cruise directors though should be, despite how they are on stage, available to gusts as much as possible and I was surprised to learn that Richard was not. Thank you for your work as a travel agent and I hope I will have the chance to entertain your clients and you one day soon and thank you also for the very kind words which I am humbled by.

Best wishes and hope to see you soon.

John

Margaret Balla asked:
John,

As a past guest from Australia, I recommend Carnival to friends and family, especially for your stage production shows, amongst many other things. Some family members (4), at my advice, recently sailed on Carnival Magic’s maiden voyage out of Venice. They have told me there were no production shows and they were also required to buy their own drinks at the captain’s cocktail party. Are they mistaken? Could this be true? Please let me know as I am recommending Carnival Breeze to other people and would not like to give false information to my friends and family. I am also over the moon that the Carnival Spirit is coming our way and look forward to sailing again on my favourite ship. I also had the pleasure of sailing with you on the Carnival Liberty — what great fun. Looking forward to hearing from you.

John says:
Hello Margaret Balla,

We are very excited that the Carnival Spirit is coming down under and I hope at some point to visit Australia myself. Thanks so much for recommending Carnival and your friends who sailed here are correct. You see, it was the inaugural cruise and unfortunately only one of our big three production shows was ready and this was the magic show Destination Unknown which was performed on the last night of the voyage. This was not what we wanted and of course it was disappointing to the guests and to us. All the shows are now in operation and are fantastic and each and every ship still has at least two big productions, as well as variety shows and our new Punchliner Comedy shows. Approximately two years ago we changed the elegant night complimentary cocktails to a happy hour and served the free drinks at the farewell party on the last afternoon of the cruise. This continues across the fleet although I am hoping I can persuade the beards to change this. More on this in the days ahead. So, I apologise sincerely to your friends that there were no production shows until the last night of the cruise and I hope they had a great time and I hope we will see each other again very soon.

Best wishes.

John

Brandi asked:
Hi John

First, Love this blog thingy makes me laugh and I have learned a lot about cruising. My fiancé and I will be sailing on the Pride Aug. 21 for our honeymoon as we will be married by then. I do have a question though…one I have not been able to find as yet. Who will the comedians be on this trip August 21- 28. We are so excited!! It will be both of our first cruises and I think I am an addict already! Also his birthday will be on the 23rd while we are on the cruise is there anything special I can do for him? Please help with any suggestions you may have.

Thank you in advance

Brandi B. (Soon to be V.)
Room 7117 Carnival Pride Aug. 21-28th

John says:
Hello Brandi,

May I wish you many congratulations on your forthcoming marriage and we are honoured to have you sailing with us on the Carnival Pride. Should you wish to get out of bed and see the Punchliner comedy shows you will see amongst others the brilliant Jim Brick and Michael Macy/ I hope you book a romantic table at the steakhouse which on the Carnival Pride is one of the prettiest in the fleet and I will be sending you both a little something to wish you a very happy honeymoon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Cindy asked:
John,

There has to be a better way to organise who sits with who at the meal table. I just came back from the eight-day cruise on Carnival Freedom and had a good time but it was spoiled by the people we had dinner with. Me and my husband and five children are from Utah and were put on a table with a husband and wife and son who were from South Africa. They spoke English OK but we had nothing in common and they were also heavy drinkers which I felt at dinner was inappropriate for my children to see. I approached Ziad, the dinning manager, and asked to be moved but was informed that if I did I would have to go to the late seating which with five children obviously I did not want to do. Why doesn’t Carnival place Americans with Americans and take the time to learn more about the families cruising to avoid embarrassing situations like this?

John says:
Hello Cindy,

I was pleased to read that you had a fun time Cindy and I am sorry though to read that your dining experience was not what you hoped. Seating 300 guests is not an easy task and our maitre ds do their best to seat people who we think are suited. But the formula for this is based only on age and family demographics and certainly not always on nationality. I guess they put you together because you both had children and I am sorry that their drinking alcohol disturbed you. May I suggest that next you cruise you either contact me so I can arrange a private table or you try Your Time Dining which will allow you to eat either on your own or with different people each night. I will be happy to help you if I can.

Best wishes to you and all the family.

John

Jerry asked:
Hi John,

I would like to thank you for your help in making my wife’s parents 50th anniversary cruise a huge success. They sailed on the Carnival Dream May 14. When they arrived they were promptly helped on board since my mother-in-law had a broken foot. They commented that the care team was phenomenal. We had sent a gift to the room through the Carnival web site and it was there before they arrived in their cabin. They also received a lovely gift and personal letter from Butch stating you alerted him of their arrival. They were very moved by this. They also received recognition from the maitre d’ and he also sent a small gift to their cabin. I can’t thank you enough. I love reading the blog but like you I’m about a week behind. Thanks for all you do and when our new addition to our family is a little older we plan on cruising with Carnival again. We are thinking March for us and in a few years with our little one.

Jerry

John says:
Hello Jerry,

I must admit that it’s always nice to receive a thank you note following on from something I have helped arrange. I will pass on your thanks to Butch and the Carnival Dream team for their outstanding efforts. Please pass on my best wishes to your parents and I send the same to you and your family whom I hope to see on board very soon.

John

Lassiter asked:
Hi John,

I will be on the Carnival Miracle for the 9/11 cruise from New York City. I will not win any popularity contests here but I could not care less. I understand that it was an awful thing that happened but to interrupt the start of my vacation which I have worked hard for and deserve just as much as the next person with talk and remembrance of death and destruction is not right and I am disgusted that you are doing this. I vacation to get away from the bad news we are constantly bombarded with so to know that you are stopping all the fun and music has me very angry. That’s my opinion and I would hazard to guess it’s the opinion of others as well who are afraid to stand up and be counted. And I should say I am from Brooklyn.

John says:
Hello Lassiter,

I can understand how you feel to a certain degree and I apologise that our decision to do this has upset you so much. You have worked hard and yes, you do deserve a vacation to get away from the sometimes stressful world we live in. I truly believe that the few minutes we take out of the cruise to stop, pause and remember will not affect the fun that will start immediately afterwards and neither will it spoil your overall enjoyment of the cruise. And maybe I can be bold and say that you as a New Yorker may even appreciate this remembrance service once it is underway. I wish you a wonderful time and thanks so much for choosing to spend your vacation with Carnival.

Best wishes.

John

Mary Jane asked:
John,

Already gave deposit for an upcoming cruise from a “promotion” to Mexico. Then I read about the fire the Carnival Splendor had…they told me it was a new ship. Should I be concerned?

MJ

John says:
Hello Mary Jane,

Absolutely not. I was on Carnival Splendor when she had her unfortunate incident and I was on her again when she was re-launched after the repairs and can promise you she is a brilliant ship with a fantastic crew and looks superb. Carnival Splendor will give you a fantastic cruise vacation I promise. If you have any other questions please let me know.

Best wishes.

John

Susan asked:
Hi John,

I just started reading your blog about a month before we sailed on the Carnival Conquest (May 2011) for my middle son’s high school senior cruise. Now I can’t wait to read it every day! I’m so glad you are part of our life! HA! We’ve now taken the trip on the Carnival Conquest (my 3rd on that boat!) and had a splendid time. And, of course, I am anxious to book my next cruise.

So, we have now booked the Carnival Triumph for April 2012 and are taking my parents to celebrate their 80th birthdays. You see, 21 years ago, my dad took all of us on a cruise to celebrate his retirement. I was pregnant with my first child at the time, and we sailed on the Holiday. Now, I am returning the favor and taking them on a cruise to celebrate the big 80. It’s been 21 years since we have sailed together and my oldest son is looking forward to actually being alive, not in my tummy, for the cruise! Long story to get to my point, sorry. My dad has Parkinson’s Disease — a dreadful disease. We have booked cabins 6461 and 6459 (right next to each other). I am trying to find out if the balcony divider between these 2 cabins can be removed. I have searched Cruise Critic and Carnival forum and am not getting a definite answer. We’ll take turns spending time with my dad in the room when he isn’t up to walking the ship, so I’m trying to make sure it is as comfortable as possible. John, thanks again for all you do for all of your loyal followers. We’ve been on several different cruise lines, but I have to say that your hospitality is second to none! Looking forward to your answer. Thank YOU!!

John says:
Hello Susan,

Thanks so much for telling me the story of your past cruises and it was wonderfully written. Someone very, very close to me has Parkinson’s and I know how difficult a disease it is to live with. I have checked and yes, we can open the partitions for you so please remind me a month or so before you sail here or a week before on Facebook and I will help you get this done. And if there is anything else we can do for Dad please let me know.

Best wishes to all the family.

John

MonkeyHead Alan asked:
John,

I have a group of 40 going on the Carnival Ecstasy and want to know Carnival’s policy about togas. we all want to wear togas to the last night dinner and then the disco, etc. we were allowed to do this on Royal Caribbean so I hope we won’t have a problem on the ecstasy ship.

John says:
Hello MonkeyHead Alan,

Thank you so much for bringing your group on the Carnival Ecstasy. We will be thrilled to have you there but unfortunately we will not allow you to wear the togas in the dining room. You can wear them in the dance club assuming they are appropriate which…….I am sure they will be. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Eddie F asked:
Hello John,

Thanks for the fantastic time we had on the Carnival Magic. Everything was amazing but I have to single out Ken, the singing maitre d. Is there any way he can sing next time when we sail in February in the big theatre with the live band? I am sure the passengers would love that. Thanks for a great cruise John and as always you were the best CD on the seven seas.

Cheers mate

John says:
Hello Eddie F,

Thank you so much for this great review and yes, Ken is amazing. I have tried many times to get him out of his comfort zone and on the big stage but he is a little bashful about this. I will renew my efforts to get him on the big stage because you are correct, many guests would really appreciate it. Thanks so much for the kind words and hope to see you again soon.

Best wishes.

John

Sandy asked:
John,

August 28 my wife and 2 kids on the Carnival Victory. Can you get us a table for three by the window? Charlotte’s birthday the 29th and she will be 16. That’s the day we are in St. Thomas so can you arrange to have her cabin 2310 decorated so it’s a surprise when she gets back. This is our 8th Carnival cruise.

John says:
Hello Sandy,

Thanks so much for taking the family on the Carnival Victory and I know you will have a great time. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to get you a table as requested and as for the decorations you can arrange to do this through www.carnival.com/bonvoyage or from the Formalities shop on board. I will be happy to send a gift to Charlotte though whom I wish a very happy birthday. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today. Back with more tomorrow.

Every now and then I get asked for a recipe of one of our dishes served on the ships. Last week I was asked for one the seared tuna so here thanks to Chef Sanjay is how to prepare it.

Seared Ahi Tuna

Yield = 4 Servings

Ingredient                                                                               quantity

Tuna ahi sashimi grade                                                           4 oz

Pepper – black whole                                                              ½ tsp

Kosher salt                                                                             ½ tsp

Pink peppercorn                                                                     ½ tsp

Soy sauce – tamari                                                                   2 tsp    

Vinegar – rice wine                                                                  ½ tsp

Procedure

• Trim Tuna loin into strips with 1 inch height and width.
• Roast and crush both pepper corn mix with kosher salt and crust tuna loin strips with it.
• Heat the flat top to 250 degree F.
• Sear over the flat top for 10 sec on each sides.
• Mix tamari and rice wine vinegar and Marinate loin for 1 hr
• Portion out Tuna as required.(1 oz per portion)

Let’s talk pizza. I want to start by mentioning that now and then some of the beards in the Miami office poop (spelt correctly) on over to Cruise Critic and read what people are talking about as they do with my blog, Facebook and over Internet-related cruise sites like Cruise Mates. They also read www.IworshiptheMac.com, www.1000waystocooktofu.com and www.geeksinsearchofrumpypumpy.com.

Anyway, whenever the beards find a subject that they want some response on from me or they feel that the senior management beards need to know about they will pass it on. One such subject dropped into my inbox from Eric the Beard yesterday…….and that subject was pizza. This apparently is a hot subject at the moment on Cruise Critic and worthy it seems of my thoughts. Now I won’t slap the link on because I don’t feel it’s necessary but I will say there is some healthy opinion on this subject ranging from Carnival’s pizza is fantastic to it’s the worst I have ever had…….which unless your pizza is being topped with cheese, salami and my underpants is certainly not true. What do you think of our pizza?

Maybe me writing about this wasn’t such a good idea. You see, since being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes which as we know from yesterday’s blog is because I “ate like a pig,” I have been avoiding carbs in the same way I avoid the French. I am afraid there is simply no other way for me to control my sugar level and my weight. Yes, I know I am fat but if I ate carbs I would be even bigger and would walk down Promenade Deck looking like a half inflated balloon, swaying and wheezing. And so pizza is just one of those things, along with white bread, any kind of potatoes, pasta and chips that I just don’t feature in my life any more. Cigars, Megan Fox’s bottom and huge lumps of well-done steak, yes. But carbs and seeing myself naked in the mirror…………..no way.

Obviously before diabetes joined my life I ate pizza. Of course I did. I am fat, so pizza and I were mates but Mr. Pizza was not as good a friend to me as a huge bucket of chicken fried in Kentucky or a massive plate of chips (fries) covered in mayonnaise, onions and ketchup was. And, anyway, pizza to me has always just been pizza. No big deal. I ate a great pizza once in Naples once. Heidi and I went with our friend Adolfo and had pizza overlooking the harbor and with Mount Vesuvius as company. And as I mentioned in a blog a few days ago as well, I got off the ship in Civitavecchia and had a pizza that was as hard as deep fried elephant scrotum served in pizzeria that offered service that would have been more friendly in a Turkish prison… That’s it though, I have no great pizza stories……….it’s just …….well pizza…

But I know that I am a minority and for many of you pizza is the king of all foods. I listen to my Italian and New York friends and my great mate Mr. Bentley talk about how you need great dough to produce the perfect balance of crispiness and chewiness that a pizzaholic demands from their pizza and that success is down to the heat that only a wood burning oven achieves. What’s funny though is talking to Italians, real Italians — not someone who watches the Sopranos and walks around the house saying “fuggedaboutit” — find the global obsession with pizza a bit strange because to them its pizza……..commonplace and something not to fantasise about. Probably because they are too busy fantasising about bottoms. Then there are the New York guests who state that nothing can compare with the mysterious and magical pizzas of New York pizza, and they’re probably right.

So back to Carnival’s pizza and your thoughts about it. Do you like it? Well, certainly judging from what happens here on the Carnival Magic, people really like it. I asked Chef Sanjay who told me that we make approximately 450 whole pizzas on a sea day and are constantly filling that “nothing but pizza will do” cravings that seem to afflict many of the guests 24 hours a day which of course is how long our pizzeria is open for. Now some of the comments on the Cruise Critic link state that our pizza is not any good and so I come to you to add your opinions to the pizza story. Is it good and if so what do you like about it, apart from the price? How does it compare to other cruise lines and if indeed it needs to be improved as the case may be, how should we improve it? I look forward to hearing from the pizza experts.

You know, while writing this I suddenly became aware that my reference to Cruise Critic may be construed by those who live in their parent’s attics that I am trying to pour scorn again on the members of this fine site. Honestly, I am not. They have highlighted a valid point which is why the beards sent it to me. But because of some of the things said here and on my Facebook page I feel I need to write more on this subject. I like Cruise Critic. I like the way it sets people free to talk about their cruises and give advice and opinion. A cruise line says “the best food at sea” — they say “we have eaten better road kill.” The reason I don’t read it apart from not being a member is that there are, just as there are on my Facebook page, a few…….ummmmm…….rude people. You know them. The ones whose postings drop down like a roll of toilet paper, thousands of words bitching about what is basically bugger all. The types who start their “review” with, “The Cruise from Hell” or “Never Again on Carnival.” As I said, it’s not just Cruise Critic, it’s Facebook and as you see now and then, they can be found right here on the blog as well.

Look, it’s absolutely fair to comment on a rude staff member or an excursion that didn’t do what it was supposed to or air conditioning that didn’t work. We have to know these things and now that only a certain percentage of guests get a comment card, sites like Cruise Critic and to a lesser degree my blog and Facebook page are even more important. But let’s face it……some of these people would moan about the fluffiness of their cloud in heaven.

Cruise Critic is 99% fuelled by the generosity and kindness of cruisers who write informative reviews after their voyage and reviews that are hugely helpful to others. But like any opinion site it is has become a magnet for fakers and I am being very careful that the blog doesn’t become the same. I think though I am losing the battle because every now and then the beards and I find a post that when I check the name or the supposed sailing date……they don’t match. It’s only one or two a month but enough to prove that the “trolls” are out there and scarily they have time to kill.

Each sea day I host a morning show. It’s one of my favourite things to do because I get to read dedication letters and have fun with live phone-ins.

Now normally I do this on my own but as you have seen in my blogs recently I have had a co- host in the shape and form of Calvyn “Champagne” Martens. He is so funny and has a sharp wit. He also has an……ummmm…….unusual posture. He is 6 feet 7 inches tall and moves his head down so it’s around his chest and this, along with his flamboyancy was captured in a drawing. Now the drawing was made by a 5-year-old girl named Dana who captured my obvious roundness and Calvyn’s ummmmm………Calvyn-ness. Here is the drawing so see for yourself.

Now, for some reason this drawing and the fact that in this five-year-old’s mind this is how we looked, caused us to laugh…………and then we couldn’t stop. See for yourself.

It was unprofessional of us to lose it like that live on TV…….but for some reason we both found it very, very funny. And if that’s how a five year old sees me then it’s definitely time for that mid-life crisis………and a Latvian.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I mentioned the other day that the I/S team had somehow miraculously managed to repair my computer and all seemed well. But this morning about an hour after having finished this blog I went to the bathroom and when I came out of the bathroom my computer had died. So, let’s get this straight. In the 10 minutes between me having a number two and returning to my desk, the computer decided it was bored and that it would commit suicide taking my blog and all my other work with it. I called the I/S chaps and they came down and did this and did that and shook their heads. I knew that it was all over though when one put a white sheet over the monitor, patted it on the hard drive and whispered “sleep well.” They then pronounced it extinct and carried it out slowly, heads bowed. I don’t know what happens to dead computers but I hope this one is crushed and turned into a piece of medical equipment that’s used in colonoscopies in Paris.

And so here I sit having to write this blog all over again which means my whole day is now completely buggered. Bill Gates and Mr. Dell my arse. Yes, yes, I know they have both given billions to charity which is, of course, very nice of them but how about investing just a couple more dollars in making sure fat British cruise director’s computers don’t just suddenly give up working. I am sure these men go to sleep at night knowing their money is bringing health and hope to those less fortunate than themselves which is of course everyone else in the entire world, especially the poor sods that own one of their computers.

Still, my anger is helped just a little by the fact that Bill Gates wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror and realises: “Oh bugger. I’ve still got this face.” And deep down, he’s still a computer geek, which means he has the personality of Harriet my hamster. I hope he also knows that every second of every day of every year someone is pressing “control, alt, delete” and calling him a complete and utter bastard as his system eats your files.

I bet they’re boring as well. I bet you would be bored stupid if you had to sit next to one of these people at dinner. Most of us try to light up a room for two reasons: because it might result in some rumpy pumpy, or it might make us richer. But if you’ve got more than a billion in the bank, chances are you can bounce around on top of whatever Latvian model takes your fancy. You don’t need to be funny, or passionate. You just need to yawn, give her something by Cartier, and hey presto, you’ll be playing wheelbarrows until dawn.

And there’s definitely no point talking, or listening, to other men because you’re already much richer than they are and all they want is some of your money. And you can’t be bothered with any of that because a six-foot Latvian super model has just walked into the room and you’re thinking of eating Caspian caviar out of her belly button. The fact of the matter is this. It’s very hard to be friends with someone from a different income bracket. You want to go on a Carnival cruise while their vacation is buying a private Caribbean island and filling it with peacocks, caviar and Latvians. You watch Gordon Ramsey on television. They had him round to cook for a private dinner party. And they paid him so much he agreed to serve the food himself……while wearing a pink g-string. See what I mean? Well, now put yourself in Bill’s and Mr. Dell’s shoes. They are two of the richest men in the world. That means they can’t be friends with anyone ….. Certainly not me ……not after yesterday. Now, I have a replacement computer. It’s another Dell and it’s powered by Microsoft or as I like to call them these days………Laurel and bloody Hardy. It’s hard to describe how angry I was when I lost all of today’s blog and all my photos of Kye and a lot lot more………….actually, I felt a bit like this

Time for today’s Q and A……here we go.

Vinita Brooks Asked:
Is there any reason why Carnival did not have any church services in the chapel on the Legend when I cruised? Why have a chapel if no Minister?

John Says:
Hello Vinita Brooks

You are correct of course that all the Spirit class ships have chapels and that for the majority of the year we do not have a religious program on our ships apart from the odd occasion when we bring on ministers, priests and rabbis to conduct services. We do have the chapel for guests to use as and when they need to plus it is used by groups who may require Bible study or bring their own leader with them to conduct services. I do hope you had a fun cruise though and if you have any other questions I am here to do my best to help.

Best wishes
John

M/M Robert C. Fasoldt Asked:
Hello John!

My wife and I are VIPs and have been on countless cruises with you as our Cruise Director and try to take cruises that you will be on. We just booked the 14 day repositioning/Panama Canal cruise out of Tampa on the Inspiration departing on December 3rd.  It would certainly be a pleasure if you are our cruise director.  Will you be on that cruise??

We hope so,
Bob and Naomi Fasoldt

John Says:
Hello Bob and Naomi Fasoldt

First of all thanks so much for the kind words and your loyalty to Carnival. Unfortunately I will not be on the Panama Canal cruise with you but I know that it will be a brilliant voyage. I do hope that one day soon we get to sail together again and until then I send my very best wishes to you both.

John

Brenda M Asked:
I am a Platinum card holder and my next cruise on the Paradise will be my 14th but I still have to come to this blog of yours to get a confirmed reservation for a table for 2. Why don’t you have a concierge service like American Express? I am a Platinum Card Holder with them and when I need something I call a special line. Carnival should have this service for me as well. I need a table for 2 guarantees for my friend and me for the Paradise. We cruise on July 1st in state room M77 and once again this is my 14th cruise!

John Says:
Hello Brenda M

Well that’s not such a bad idea actually, a Platinum and Milestone dedicated call line. I shall certainly bring this up with the beards for you. Meanwhile I will ask the maitre d to assist you with your table reservation and he will do his best to honour this. Thanks so much for your loyalty and I hope cruise number 14 is the best yet.

Best wishes.
John

Ruth and Malcolm Doyle Asked:
My wife and I have both just read the bestselling book Cruise Confidential and it has put us off cruising with Carnival again. How can I vacation with a cruise line that either treats its workers like later day slaves or allows them to treat life below stairs like Sodom and Gomorrah? I have passed the book to some friends of mine so they can see for themselves and they have cruised with Carnival three times. You should be ashamed.

John Says:
Hello Ruth and Malcolm Doyle

Using Cruise Confidential as a guide to cruising is like asking me to guide you round a gym. Or like reading a book on Cage Fighting by Richard Simmons. Or a book on Nuclear Physics by Paris Hilton. Or a book on Great Lap Dancing Clubs of the World by The Dalai Lama. It’s fiction, pure 100% fiction. That’s a promise from a crew member who has worked “below stairs” for nearly 25 years.

Best wishes
John

Paul Wenzel Asked:
Hi John,

My wife and I just returned from our first cruise. We were on the Fascination on the 14 May sailing. I just want to send thank you to some of the staff that made our first cruise special. First in the dining room our “supercharged” maitre’d Joseph was funny and help make our dinner time enjoyable. Our wait staff “V” from India and I Wan his assistant were the best and always made my wife and I feel special. The cruise director Henne and his staff were fantastic. Really entertaining. Jay the karaoke host was over the top funny. Please pass our kudos to the appropriate people. Thanks,

Paul and Missy.

John Says:
Hello Paul Wenzel

Thanks so much for this great review and it is one that I will pass to the ship. I know that those mentioned will be thrilled at what you have said. It sounds like you had loads of fun and that makes me very happy indeed. Best wishes to you both and hope we see you on board again soon.

John

Carrie Peru Asked:
Dear John,

Just wanted to say thank you for your blogs! They are fantastic and I appreciate your humor and honesty! My husband and I will be sailing the Magic on Sept 27th. I hope that you will be on the ship! I have two questions if I could ask you please. My first is about shore excursions in Rome I can’t decide on Rome at its best or Highlights of Rome and the Vatican Museum. Rome at its Best goes inside to the Coliseum the Highlights excursion reaches the Sistine Chapel which I am interested in as well. Can you please give me your opinion it will help me make a difficult decision. Also in Naples I am undecided on doing the Positano, Sorrento and Pompeii excursion or Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri. I just don’t know which would be better to do the drive all the way to Amalfi or to visit the Island of Capri. Please let me know John I would seriously appreciate your input. Thank you and I am really enjoying your blogs, but am fairly new to them.

Cheers
Carrie

John Says:
Hello Carrie Peru

It won’t be long before you are here with us on your Carnival Magic. I can tell you that both excursions are amazing and it is I know so difficult to decide. I have been on both and while the Coliseum is outstanding I truly think you must see inside the Vatican to experience the sheer presence it has and of course to witness close up the incomparable Sistine Chapel and the extraordinary work of Michelangelo. In Naples, it has to be Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri which lets you see all three of the must see places in the Naples area. Those would be my choices. Please let me know if you have any other questions and I will see you soon. Best wishes

John

Jose Marquez Asked:
Will Carnival ever return to printed brochures as I really miss them?

John Says:
Hello Jose Marquez

I know there are others who miss them as well but there are no plans in this online world we live in to return to the printed brochure.

Best wishes
John

Patrick Casey Asked:
John,

I am not too sure you can help me but I hope maybe you can. My wife and I have run in to a serious issue and let me explain. We are taking a cruise in October and we planned on taking my wife’s grandmother but due to the fact that she was born in Mississippi and she can’t find a birth certificate we are left in a quandary. I have tried talking to people at Carnival and they have no answers. I was hoping that maybe you could point me to someone that has the answers as to what we can do to get this resolved. I think we would be willing to walk on fire to be able to bring her along but we just need a little pointing in the right direction. Do you know of anyone at Carnival that can help us get this figured out?

John Says:
Hello Patrick Casey

I checked with my friends at Carnival and unfortunately, if she does not have the birth certificate she will need a passport to sail as per U.S. Customs & Border Protection. Now I see you are sailing in October so hopefully this will give you enough time to get one. However, can she get a passport without a birth certificate? That’s something you will need to ask. I do know that I sincerely hope you can get this sorted and maybe public records have a copy of her birth certificate. It would be wonderful if she could sail and experience this cruise with you all. Please let me know if you think I can help with anything else.

Best wishes
John

Janet V Asked:
John,

Sailing on the Glory in July and we are all angry that we have not been informed about the bed bug infestation that the ship has.

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1329452&highlight=bed+bugs

What assurances do you have that the ship has this under control and if not will you guarantee your passengers full refunds if they are bitten?

John Says:
Hello Janet V

I didn’t open the link because I felt it best to cut to the chase and ask the housekeeping manager and senior officers on the Carnival Glory. Here is what they reported.

From: GLORY HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 1:10 AM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: RE: Bug Report

HI John

We did not have any bed bug activity onboard the Glory

Housekeeping Manager, Carnival Glory
Carnival Cruise Lines

We are always very open and honest with things like this and in the rare case where bed bugs are found we have a very strict regime under which that cabin will be treated and deep cleaned. So please relax and look forward to a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes
John

Claire P Asked:
John,

Thank you for a wonderful cruise on the Carnival Magic. There are so many highlights and I will mention them in my full review. Just quickly to say that Marina was outstanding and the best waiter we have ever had and me and Ron already miss her charming smile. Your morning shows with Calvin were hysterical and of course your shows prove that you are still the best CD there is. How you manage to be out and on stage as much as you are and still blog and do your Facebook updates amazes me. One negative and that is the Russian passengers. I have never seen such rudeness and the way they pushed into line at the buffet and shouted at the crew was awful. I know you wrote about this but you were to nice John, they are the worst passengers I have ever sailed with in my 21 cruises. But we had a great time and now are looking forward to our next cruise on the Paradise and the Panama Canal. Love the Magic she is a beautiful vessel. Well done Carnival!

Claire and Ron

John Says:
Hello Claire and Ron

I am so thankful to you for taking the time to write this great review and yes you are right, some of the Russian guests were not the nicest people to other guests and the crew. That aside I am so happy to see that you had fun and I will make sure Marina sees your words of praise, Calvin too. I look forward to reading the full review and wish you both a brilliant time on the Carnival Paradise. Best wishes

John

Wendy Williams Asked:
Hi John,

I have been reading your blog off and on for a few years.  Love your humor (that’s how I spell it!!) and your wit.  Oh – and I also enjoy Cruising with Carnival!!  (Hi Beards! *wave*). So, I have a complaint.  It seems to me that everyone comes to you to ask you for things, tables for two, free stuff, making the rain stop while at port – and man oh man, if you fail to deliver they want you crucified and burned!  That is my complaint.  You are one of the hardest working men I have seen…you put up with SO MUCH BS, and very little thanks.  Has anyone ever offered to do anything for you?  Ever?  John, is there anything I can do for you?  Send you some new underwear?  Run an errand?  Make reservations for a table for two for you and your wife at a nice restaurant the next time you are in Miami?

John Says:
Hello Wendy Williams

How wonderfully kind you are and no, I don’t need anything because this post has already given me so much. Your kind words keep me going and to know what I do is appreciated means more than you will know. If there is anything I can ever do for you please let me know. Thanks once again and my best wishes to you and your family

John

That’s all for today.

And for those who haven’t seen this yet, lets have a look at what they are doing on the Carnival Paradise……its flash mob as filmed by Peter the Hair

I mentioned on Facebook that I had been dealing with a very irate guest and she has continued to be on attack mode the last 24 hours as well. There are a lot of nasty things in the world. Seeing me naked, seeing me naked standing on my head using my bottom as a vase and seeing your computer lose all your work. However, pretty high up on the list of nasty things is a mum who wants her daughter to be “a star.” And so right from the start of this cruise I have been bombarded with letters and messages and phone calls from Mrs. Stagemom. She wants her 11-year-old daughter to play the flute or the piano because she is “gifted.”

Now I had offered her the chance to do this during the Camp Carnival talent show but Stagemom thinks that this is not good enough for her child and says she must perform on the main stage and with the orchestra. Now maybe, just maybe I would have relented and allowed her to play in the adult talent show but the problem is we are not having one this cruise. We have professional entertainers every night and there is no room for a talent show. So, I met with her and told her this was the case and then came the shouting, the screaming, the tantrum and the tears…. that’s the mum by the way…….not her daughter. Then came the most ridiculous comment of the cruise so far when Stagemom said “The only reason we took this cruise was so my daughter could take part in the talent show.” Now you don’t need me to analyze that one do you, it speaks for itself but it reminded me of another comment that has stayed with me these past few days and something that generated many hundreds of comments on Facebook last week. And it was all to do with live music.

Now I should start by saying that after half a lifetime of consistent failure that I know I was not born to be a musician. I suppose I should have seen the signs at the age of eight, when I attended Heycroft Junior School in Essex. Like most of the kids in the UK, we were issued with Dolmetsch recorders. I remember all the other kids could play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, while my own instrument emitted nothing but a shrill peep and a worrying quantity of warm spit. The recorder, I decided, was pretty much a girly instrument so, by the age of 11, I was playing with the trombone. Sometimes, I would blow so hard into the mouthpiece that I saw stars and nothing would come out except a sound that can only be described as a wet fart.….you know the one all of us do after sitting at the meal table for hours eating everything insight and then finally we stand up and…..bweeeeeeep. My Dad and I have contests at Christmas to see who can do the loudest.

After a while, I laid the trombone aside, consoling myself with the thought that you never saw a trombone player in a rock band. So I took up the bass guitar. One year later I was fired from my mate’s rock band that on the not unreasonable grounds that I was the only would be bass guitarist in history who could not play the opening bars of Smoke on the Water. But here on the ships we have and always will do support live music however it worries me that kids of future generations will one day believe all music comes from an Eye Pod thingy and not from the hearts and minds of brilliant live musicians.

Anyway, back to the comment that was all to do with the music we have on Lido deck. In years past we have had a four-piece band there but now it has been changed to a duo. That’s when I read the comment on Facebook that stated the author would not cruise Carnival ever again because we have two less musicians up there. Now while I support this chap’s passion for the music he obviously loves, to say that it’s not the food, the service, the fun, the ports, the entertainment and shows, the relaxation and the affordability and value for money he cruises carnival for but for how many musicians are in the band on Lido deck……..well that in my humble opinion is………well …..bonkers.

So let’s address this subject shall we? Years and years ago we had four-piece steel bands. These were nice. They played nice steely drum music like “Yellow Bird” and “The Big Bamboo Song” but after a while…….every piece of music sounded the same and became……….well slightly annoying. So then we went to four-piece reggae bands. These were much better and played a whole variety of Caribbean music including all the favourites that people expect to hear. Then we made another change but before I write about that let me talk about something very important ……………cabins.

This is a subject that last time I tried to explain I was ridiculed on the cruise boards for basically making this up. Well, I am not and it often makes me laugh out loud when people refuse to believe that people who actually work onboard the ships may know just a tiny bit more than someone who sits behind their computer in their mother’s basement posting as though they are cruise experts. So, here are the facts. There are 1,351 crew beds onboard …… not cabins…….beds. Each department has a budget, a budget based on the number of cabin beds. For example:

The department with the highest budget is food and beverage with a total of 674. Then there is housekeeping with 266. Then there is entertainment with 62. This is the budget that the beards in Miami have given me.

So, I have 62 beds in which accommodate musicians, dancers, technicians, entertainment staff and me. OK, some may sleep in other people’s beds occasionally but that’s what I have……..62 beds. And this is the same on every ship in the fleet. The number may be higher or smaller but that’s what we have. Therefore, when we are planning what entertainment we are going to provide you onboard we have to do so within this parameter. So, what did we do across the fleet within our budget? Well, first of all, we took two people out of the calypso/reggae bands on Lido and made them all duos. We then replaced those two people with either another duo that were more flexible in the variety of music they could play or two guitar vocalists such as the brilliant Danny and Tim who play here on Carnival Magic. We replaced the string trio with a Latin trio and added a singer to the orchestras.

Now don’t get me wrong. I agree with some on Cruise Critic and my Facebook page that they miss the four-piece bands and I can understand why. Look, I would love to have more live music but I can only use the cabins I have. So please, to the people who write comments that we can just add more and that using the cabin as an excuse is a lie….…..please don’t write this because you are wrong and honestly you look silly talking about something you don’t understand.  I promise that compared to other lines, Carnival is one of the biggest supporters of live music in the industry and having checked with the Miami office today, I can report that we currently have 430 musicians working on our ships.

Yes, we have made some changes and we will make more I am sure. But I guess the main point of writing this was to show you that Carnival really does love live music and that when we want to add something we first have to look at our budget and see if there is room. And if not, then we change things around as was the case with removing two from Lido. I truly hope this clears this up.

Now on the other hand there is still the argument about what’s better, steel drums or Caribbean/reggae music. Many have already let me know their thoughts on this and I hope more will as well. I will say two things if I may though. The first is that some of the most successful bands we put on Lido are the party bands like Blood Power that play here on Carnival Magic. And that there are times when I walk across Lido that regardless of what live music we have ……. it seems many guests don’t care………because they are listening to their Eye Pods anyway. However, saying all that I admit here and now that I miss the jazz trios and not just because they were part of the cigar bars which as we know have ceased to exist. It wasn’t always that way though. For years I hated jazz and the whole bepbopapooscoobydoo thingy got on my nerves. You see, I was brought up on long hair, screaming guitars and yes…..a flute player…..not Stagemom’s daughter but Jethro Tull’s Ian Andersen. Jazz to me always seemed…..well a bit lame.

But then I came to work for Carnival and started to appreciate live music that didn’t come from Ritchie Blackmore’s guitar or Rick Wakeman’s keyboard but from trumpets, saxophones and pianos. And then a musical director called Jordan Nunes gave me a birthday present. It was a cassette……yes, yes I am old……..the ultimate Miles Davis album Kind of Blue. And that was that. I began to appreciate, enjoy and eventually love jazz. And with a cigar…….well it was the perfect combination and I used to enjoy joining guests there for a Monte Cristo and conversation and to listen and nod in time to the syncopated beats of the brilliant jazz trios.

But jazz wasn’t for everyone so we got rid of them and changed over to Latin trios. Now I know this kind of music is much more popular with the guests and I have seen this with my own eyes and it was the right decision to make. Me, personally……I can’t stand Latin music and would rather listen to a cat being nurtured with a blunt knitting needle.

Look, as a cruise director and as brand ambassador I have to accept and embrace change and help you do the same. Was replacing two out of the Calypso band with more versatile musicians we could use around the ship the right thing to do?…….yes, absolutely. However, taking my CD and brand ambassador hat off for just a moment, I will say this. Taking away the jazz trios and the cigar bars has left me feeling just like the title of that brilliant Miles Davis Album I just mentioned.

So live music…….it’s how it’s meant to be played. But I will leave you with this one important fact. Do you know which lounge produces more revenue on all our ships more than any other lounge?……it’s not the piano bar……not the main show lounge……not the disco-night-dance- club…..not the four-piece party band venues…….nope. The one entertainment area that produces more revenue across the fleet than any other…………is karaoke! Take from that what you will.

Goodnight

Your friend
John