Hi, I’m John, these are my underpants and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation…………. even if they do pay the bills.

Same goes for Heidi, my mate Alan, all the Beards and Megan Fox, Judge Judy, or anyone else, really. My apologies then in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival’s arse and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

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23 Responses to Disclaimer Thingy

  1. vivienne says:

    Does any one even take the time to read this? They should, especially the ones who claim that they don’t like your blog.
    Your lawyer is fantastic….I loved his humour the very 1st time I saw him, on the Carnival Fascination last November, I told him so, after the show
    Emmett Lee Tuttweiler Shapiro Cochran Jr., is not one to mess with.

    • Rosa says:

      Lol, this got to be one of the best disclaimers, at least it is funny.
      Love your sense of humour (spelled correctly)

    • Wyatt says:

      Well, the only problem is, if you do not like the site, its as simple as just not reading/visiting it, if you have a problem, you should contact him personally, not in public. I am also not saying this is you, just in general.

  2. jessica says:

    LOL i can only hope my cruise will be this filled with laughter

  3. Shirley says:

    Hi John, Just wanting to get aquainted with you. My husband Jerry and I will be sailing with you Feb 5, from Gal. Anxious for our first cruise. C U later.

  4. Linda Krause says:

    Does Heidi know how many women fall in love with you reading your blogs??!! LOL I just wondered!!

  5. Tim says:

    The law firm of – Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe is the best firm for representing all sorts of nefarious claims against having a sense of humor!

    Cheers my friend!

  6. Jane & Tom Rachford says:

    Oh my gosh, that guy is hilarious! Wouldn’t it be great if he was on the February 12th sailing of the Carnival Legend. We’re going with a bunch of our classmates from high school (class of 1959), & I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he will be on it too.

  7. paula says:


  8. Pingback: John Heald: Carnival’s Wayfaring Wag (1) | Travel By Terry

  9. brenda maggot says:

    i love you john

  10. Sherry Hilton says:

    Carnival splendor
    Sherry Hilton
    Spa cabin room 1010

    Do not cruise on this ship the carnival splendor
    First of all let me say I’m a veteran cruiser never complain and always have the time of my life while on vacation.
    I say if I’m on vacation then it’s a great day and I’m very thankful.
    I got on the carnival splendor ship on 4/2/14
    Just a day and a half later I was extremely sick, I have never been sick on any cruise before and the smoke has never bothered me on any ship but I hold myself it much be the smoke or the poor ventilation on this ship that is making me sick.
    So I stopped going to the fifth floor all together, I used the spa services all day long trying to feel better but I was still sick. I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed I slept threw dinner two nights in a row and when I did wake up I was so hungry so I went to the lido deck but there was only pizza I wasn’t well enough to eat something so heavy . I was hoping for some soup but I got hot water and lemon which I have lived on for three days now.
    I can’t keep any food down
    The only place I have been besides my room is the spa trying everything and anything to get myself better. No fun being on a cruise ship sick.

    I was going to the spa relaxation room and spending my days and evenings there, on Wednesday 4/9/14 the last sea day of my cruise, I saw the most disgusting thing ever.
    Let me tell you what I saw
    The room service staff which is responsible for the water tea lemons etc and dirty and clean glasses, was tidying up the area and Replacing the products etc….
    I was sitting in the corner and he must not have seen me and I was watching him take the dirty glasses and tip out the contents and place the dirty glasses in the clean glass area.
    After he was done he left.
    I went over and checked the glasses to make sure I really just saw this happen , and I picked up the glass and yes it was dirty, and it smelled like lemon.
    I went and got the spa staff and they said checked the glasses and said yes these are dirty, they assured me that this had never happen before and they watch the staff put clean glasses out.
    I was so upset about this that they brought Luke the supervisor for the spa up stairs and he assured me that this has never happen and he would take care of this personally.
    I asked that he get me this mans name and he said he would.

    Then they I thought about how many times I had picked up a coffee mug and there was sticky stuff on it or it looked used while I was up there all week , and I just cried.
    I had been soooooo sick since day two and my trip has been so miserable and now, I Know why.
    How could this man do this to innocent people.

  11. Helen says:

    Hi John!
    I will be going on another carnival cruise in August of next year with 11 other people. I have booked a suite and I know I will be eligible for special boarding at the ports. Is that just for me and my son because we are in the same room or is everyone in my party eligible too seeing where we all booked together?

  12. Robin Stewart says:

    Hi John,
    We just returned from our first cruise and loved it so much we have already booked the second. I especially want to thank you for protecting me on the trip! I have a wheat allergy and was very nervous, as I always am when I have to eat when someone else is cooking. The system in place made me feel very safe. I was able to relax and not have to ask the wait staff to double check with the chef. I knew it was ok. Thank you.
    I just wanted to point out one spot that was missed, as it may help others.

    On our excursion to Coba, a light lunch was provided. I expected it to be a simple lunch of sandwiches or such that I would not be able to have so I brought my own food, as I always do. Apple, carrots and nuts. But when we got ready to go we were told in Mexico we are not allowed to bring fresh food, due to their port rules. So, I told the girl about my problem and she said we should have told them ahead of time. My husband said there hadn’t been any place to do that specifically on the excursion. (We did notify the ship in general) She told me to tell our guide as soon as possible because maybe they would be able to fix it still. So I did. He said not to worry because it was only a snack, it wasn’t really lunch and that there wasn’t any wheat anyway. But lunch was a sandwich, a chocolate covered cookie and a bag of chips. (I have had this problem in another Spanish speaking destination. I think there is a language thing I haven’t figured out.)

    I was allowed to bring the nuts because they were not a fresh food item. So, I was ok. But for the benefit of others with wheat issues, which in all other areas carnival has gone to great lengths to accommodate, I thought I would let you know about this.

    Thank you.

  13. larry says:

    Just got off the Glory this was our 21 st cruise with carnival, it amazes me that carnival keeps nickel and dimeing their customers. NO CHOCOLATES ON THE BED, DRINKS ARE NOW 11 dollars and filled with ice, no bill at end of cruise, no baskets in bathrooms, less people working bigger ships,what else can carnival remove from their guess? I can say the room stewards were very good sorry for got their names , Elizabeth in the dinning room did a great job.

  14. lisa perkins says:

    I was wondering if you know if carnival sells any decorations for graduation, I didn’t see any.My son and his friend are graduating from high school and we will be sailing on the carnival splendor with us on June 6th. p.s. LOVE reading your blog!!

  15. Sarah says:

    Wait…. Then how do you get away with iconic carnival symbols on your page? And job title?

    HAHA… Carnival is missing the boat here!

  16. Mauverine Walker says:

    Hello John, I just returned from my birthday cruise, Aug 8th-15th on the Freedom. Had a wonderful trip!! I can’t imagine why anyone would complain!! I do have a question, I am on the journeys BTB cruise Oct 4th, at the end of that 21 day cruise I will have 74 days. Is there a chance that I could gain Platium status. See this question and answer on http://WWW.carnival.com Q&A,s that someone else asks. Thank you for all the wonderful memories. I am 76 and that is my goal before I am unable to travel. Looking so forward to meeting you on this cruise.

  17. Bill says:

    Hello John,
    My Name is Bill and My family and myself have cruised with carnival 19 times and we enjoy them very much. I am a bit disappointed with some of the lack of crew and for the most part the lack of friendliness of the crew. Not all of them, but there could definitely be more positive interaction. We recently cruised on the conquest on the February 14 sailing date. When we arrived with our party of 8 3 of which are platinum, we were greeted by a very rude embarkation representative telling us that the couple of 3 that we talked into cruising for the first time couldn’t go thru the same line as us. Now we brought them with us and I wouldn’t think that allowing them in the line with us is that much of a big deal and then he gave my son and his girlfriend a hard time as well!!! I guess if they purchased faster to the fun there wouldn’t be a problem? This in my eyes cheapens the reward to previous cruisers that have spent $$$$$ to have this privilege. Then my son had a problem with the hot water and heat in his room. It took until thursday to get this rectified! When he went to the customer assistant desk he wanted to get some satisfaction for having the room hot for the most of the cruise he was told they would look at it and he said how about dinner in the steakhouse for my inconvenience and the man on the desk said Sir I can’t do that I’ll loose my job!(really!!!) then he gave him 2 drink tickets and said sorry. I did notice when I need assistance at the customer service deck that there was a band playing so loud I couldn’t even hear what the person was saying to me. Our waiter was much to much overworked and did a great job to make meals enjoyable. I actually tipped him and our cabin steward extra at the end of the cruise. My wife was on the lido deck one day and no one even asked her if she wanted a drink??? I found this hard to believe so I went to the aft bar area near the pizzeria and sat at a table by the hot tubs for 40 minuted before I was asked if I wanted a drink?? I remember I would always see staff wiping down the handrails and clueing throughout the day, but never saw this this time. This year marked the first time I didn’t buy my wife ant jewelry in the onboard shop. I am not that impressed with the EFFEY shops at all. SORRY. On a lighter note, My wife turns 50 this year and I am giving her a cruise to Canada for one of her birthday gifts. We are sailing out on NY on October 13th. Hopefully we will have a better experience! BTH the first cruise we ever took was on the carnival Ecstasy in March of 1992 and you were the Cruise Director. Would love to have you as our cruise director again someday!

  18. Stephen Worden says:

    Submarines friend here! Why is it I send you a question and I get a reply from the beards. Message sent on March 9th and I get a reply from beards on April fools,day.

  19. Chuck Butler says:

    I am needing to speak with someone.

  20. JEFF SMITH says:


  21. Kayla Brady says:

    Hello Mr. John,

    In the least bit do I want to complain because we have always had an amazing time on our cruises! My husband and I recently sailed on August 1,2016 on the Triumph. It was my husbands 10th cruise and my 5th. The cruise itself was fantastic however it was our honeymoon and we received no special treatment. In the past we have heard of couples receiving spa coupons, desserts at dinner, etc. Just curious if this is now a thing of the past? Our waiter, stateroom stewardist, and booking agent were all aware of this cruise being our honeymoon. We appreciate any explanation or input you may have about this. Thank you!

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