John Heald…….Headhunter

June 17, 2014 -

John Heald -

34 Comments

Motivating my flaccid arse to go to the Carnival Miracle’s gym is hard enough even though my cabin is on deck 8 and the gym is right above me on Deck 9. Sometimes the wait for the elevator is so frustrating. As a fat chap, I can feel at ease with myself in most walks of life but in a gym there is no disguising it. There are mirrors everywhere that shout, “Hey, you fat bastard about time you spent some time here.”  And that’s what the guests who use the gym are saying — “Look at our chubby CD.” Proof positive of this was yesterday when, on one of the exercise bikes, a male guest dripping with sweat stood next to me rubbed my stomach in a circular motion and said, “You have to start somewhere.” I nodded and smiled and had thoughts about tying his dangly bits to a weight and dropping it off Deck 9 of the atrium. (more…)

Teachers, Breeze and Simon

June 13, 2014 -

John Heald -

55 Comments

So here we are, well into the school holidays with 481 guests under the age of 21. But it’s not the kids I want to talk about, it’s those that teach them because it’s their holiday time, too. As I sit here in my underpants writing to you, Carnival Miracle is sailing through the extraordinary beauty that is Tracy Arm Fjord and I can’t help but think about (more…)

Today we will start with the Q and A if that’s OK with you. ………..let’s crack on.

 

(more…)

I SCREAM ABOUT ICE CREAM

June 6, 2014 -

John Heald -

42 Comments

If I was walking around the Carnival Miracle and saw someone indulging in antisocial behavior, such as sitting on Promenade Deck and putting their feet on one of the chairs or spitting that chewy tobacco stuff into a cup (both of which I have actually seen last cruise), I would simply roll my eyes and keep on walking. If it were something more serious, such as trying to pull a cowboy hat of some poor bugger’s head in the dining room, I would probably even say something. (more…)

My wife is amazing. She runs the house, takes care of my five-year-old daughter and my huge mailman-eating dog, Breeze. She does not have me in her life to help her with any of that because I am sitting here on the Carnival Miracle, in Seattle, wearing only my underpants, writing to you. Yep, she does a terrific job and some may ask how she manages without a man around the house and the answer is simply that, apart from providing a salary, love for my daughter, a walk for my dog and, if it’s November 14, three minutes of rumpy pumpy for Heidi. (more…)

To start today I want to make a bit of a statement. You see, this week someone wrote to Carnival suggesting I was a dinosaur non-politically correct waste of blood and organs who had no right to be working for an organisation like Carnival Cruise Lines. So with your kind permission, I would like to say something to that regard. To me, political correctness started as a pretty good concept, a great idea that fat blokes like me should not be allowed to talk about or have fun with……..well………anything. But then it took over the world so that (more…)

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD

May 27, 2014 -

John Heald -

21 Comments

I like to think that I am capable of doing most of what life throws at me. I can tell a joke, gently persuade a cowboy not to stab a platinum guest in the face with a butter knife, I know how to drive a car, keep people calm in a fire, and boil and egg. I once even managed to put a piece of IKEA furniture together without having a sodding screw left over. Technologically speaking, I’m not bad, either. But when it comes to technology my knowledge and capability is that of the Dali Lama’s understanding of a lap dancing club. And last week I suffered a serious (more…)

As cruise director of the Carnival Miracle, I speak to lots of guests and enjoy every moment of doing so. Even when they are moaning about me, costumes, whales, leering looks, food, air, jokes, the weather or as yesterday a British guest saying that the ship was too “American,” I enjoy the challenge of finding something they are enjoying and concentrating on that. What is far more difficult and far more of a challenge is when you are talking with a guest who does not understand that there are others waiting in line for you and that they want to say hello and speak to you or ask a question. Such was the case last night at the Captain’s Celebration party in the lobby. Last cruise, it was the scene of “sexist pig gate” and, (more…)

There are many things I regret that I have said and done in my life — actions that if I could, I would go back in time and change. Telling Heidi, while she was giving birth to Kye, that having a baby was no more painful than the time I ate a massive order of pork skin (“crackling,” as we call it in the UK) and was constipated for days and then describing the effort I had made to finally get the pork crackling out, was both stupid and painful as the fingernail marks in my hand proved. However, some people do things in their life that are just as dumb and (more…)

Friday Thoughts

May 16, 2014 -

John Heald -

19 Comments

So here I am on my second week as a cruise director again and enjoying immensely being in Alaska. I am finding it a bit more challenging, though, to remember how to be a cruise director again, not the stage stuff but rather the management of 60 people in the entertainment department. And most of them were either in their strollers when I first started with Carnival and, in the case of a few of the dancers, were not even bloody well born yet – FFS! (more…)

Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved

css.php