John Heald’s Blog

I returned home from breakfast this morning with mate Danny and, when I entered the house, I thought we had been robbed. My stuff, including my signed photo of Cyndi Lauper from the Jubilee’s MTV cruise in 1989 had gone.

I then realized that we hadn’t been burgled but that Heidi was in one of her “throwing things out” moods and that my Cyndi Lauper photo and my collection of Star Trek: The Next Generation videos had been removed from the room we call “the office” and had either been placed in the garbage, put in the attic or given to a charity shop……..I wonder how much the local cancer society charity shop would sell a Cyndi Lauper photo for and who would buy it?
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Every part of my body is cold. My arms, my feet, my eyes, my hair and my hemorrhoids ………….global warming my arse.

I just returned from standing next to Alan for two hours watching his son play rugby for his school. “Would you like to come along?” asked my mate and like an idiot I said “yes.” I dressed in a pair of jeans and T-shirt over which I wore my favorite leather jacket. I have had this jacket for many years and I love it. The leather still creaks like the decks of the Carnivale used to in bad weather and, along with a pair of underpants I have had for ten years, this jacket is my favorite piece of clothing. However, as much as it may be comfortable, standing on the sidelines today I realized that it wasn’t going to keep out the cold.
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There are times when I think life would be a lot less complicated if I was an animal ….a deer for example, wandering the woodland waiting for someone called Billy Bob from ESPN2 to come and shoot me in the head. “Why a deer?” I hear you say ……. well ……. because then, all I would need do to establish myself, as the superior being in a group, is to stand tall and wave my antlers around.

Unfortunately, men cannot do this, partly because we don’t have horns and partly because the human equivalent is the penis. And if you start waving that around in a Starbucks, it will end very badly. All men will claim they don’t jostle for the high ground in a group of other men, but this is bollocks. We all do. Some by using wit, some with the enormity of their wallet and some by demonstrating their IQ is higher than a Rastafarian monk who just smoked an entire marijuana bush………. And then you have those who think it’s all down to the size of the engine in their car.
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There is a book called “Women Are From Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that……………………well, whoever wrote that bestseller was absolutely correct.

When I host my morning shows on the ship I always get at least two or three a week where men….who have done something terrible………..use me to apologize live on the show……..some are very sincere…………some are just pretending.

I often read these letters out and never get to know the outcome. I remember a cruise on the Carnival Splendor where a chap had spent all night in the casino and lost all the money they had budgeted for shopping, etc…………….his wife refused to let him in the cabin………….security was called…………and Uncle John had to mediate the problem by reading his letter of apology out on the show……………I have no idea what happened next.
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It’s a good job Heidi got pregnant. That’s because this morning I received a letter from the British Adoption service we had registered with a few months ago. Unfortunately, despite the fact that Heidi and I would have loved the child beyond measure and having big coal fires to keep everyone warm at night, I would not be deemed suitable, because men with beards and tofu-eating women have determined that it’s bad to place a child in the care of someone who is fat and who smokes the occasional cigar and works away from home ………. yep……………..forget the fact that we have a nice home and lots of family support ………..we are not “suitable candidates”……………………….what a load of bollocks.

However, if I weighed 50 pounds less and worked regular shifts at some random job I could adopt a child…………..I have no words.

Still, I guess I should be happy that Heidi is now pregnant and adoption is not needed………but I am still very angry that if we hadn’t been blessed with a child then ………..well…………..it’s not worth getting myself all worked up about is it?

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