My morning started with tears, lots of tears. Not mine but one of my staff’s. A dancer, in fact, who was unceremoniously dumped by her Italian boyfriend who is home on vacation and told her by email that their two-year romance was over and, when he returned to Carnival Legend in New York, that he would be doing so as a single man. And that was me putting my big brother hat on. Actually, that’s bollocks. The dancer is 25 so I put my dad hat on……oh, FFS, I am seriously old. I felt very sorry for her and my offer of a shoulder to cry on accompanied by a box of tissues, seemed to help a little, but not much. I had seen her looking very sad backstage the night before and sensing something wasn’t right, I said if she needed to talk that she could call me. She did. And the water works began. (more…)

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR
Sent:  Wednesday, September 04, 2013 11:32 AM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc:  LEGEND GUEST SERVICES; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER

Subject: **** – Mr. ———— – comments on internet for Cruise Director

 

Hello John,

Mr. ______- wishes to speak to you regarding the following Internet speed – guest is very unhappy with this as he states he has a very important business deal to complete which now he cannot. He has asked for higher speed and free use of the internet because he says we may have lost his business deal for him. Guest also states he has other things that he is not happy with and wants to discuss today with you. Please can you contact him when you can? Thank you and kind regards.

Guest Services Supervisor

Carnival Legend

 

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GAME OF MOANS

September 3, 2013 -

John Heald -

30 Comments

These days, most TV game shows like Who Wants to be a Millionaire or Jeopardy tend to have celebrity versions where Z-list celebrities are people who came 28th on American Idol or have been in a soap opera or a reality show with Mr. Trump or who starred in a rumpy pumpy tape that their boyfriend filmed without their knowledge. Instead of us watching regular members of the public on a TV game show, sweating nervously as they try to win enough money for a Carnival cruise or a new car or to buy a bigger thingy, we have a celebrity who most of us have never heard of trying to win lots of money for the charities that often involve donkeys or the protection of a rare bird that has been sighted off the coast of Michigan. (more…)

THE LIDO DECK DIET

August 29, 2013 -

John Heald -

35 Comments

 If you are Johnny Depp or Russell Crowe or some moody famous person and someone disturbs your meal by saying, “I don’t mean to bother you,” you can tell them to bugger off. The most that will happen is that the person will never watch one of their movies again. Now, I can’t do that. If someone disturbs my meal with the usual, “Don’t mean to bother you,” then, despite the fact that there are times that I want to say, “Can you come back after I have finished shoving a huge fork full of beef in black bean sauce down my throat?,” I can’t. That’s because the guest will write to Gerry Cahill and request I be tied down onto the deck, naked, and a box of hungry escargot’s emptied over my dangly bits. (more…)

MADE IN INDONESIA

August 26, 2013 -

John Heald -

52 Comments

 We serve of them on average of 600 portions each cruise here on the Carnival Legend and their popularity keeps on rising. There was a public outcry when due to droughts in Indonesia, we could not source them. Yep, we are of course talking about snails or to give them their posh name…….escargots. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please, Mrs. God, don’t let me come back as a snail – what a miserable life they lead. You spend your life trying to avoid being swallowed by a bird, crushed underfoot into a shell/slime soufflé or boiled alive, smothered with garlic butter and devoured by Mr. and Mrs. Seaugo in the dining room of a Carnival ship. Regardless, it seems you love them and here is a photo of Sid the Snail and his mates as taken by Mr. Radu. (more…)

So this is our last Baltic cruise and, goodness me, it has gone quickly. Next cruise, we will be in the Norwegian fjords and I will be talking about this in more detail on the next blog posting. Has the Baltic season been a success? Well as far as I can see based on the guest comments, the answer is a huge yes. There have been some challenges for sure but overall it has been a wonderful two months and I hope that airline fees settle down and that this and other operational reasons allow us to return here soon. (more…)

My wife Heidi runs a very tight domestic ship. With me traveling and being away as much as I am, she runs the household completely. Heidi pays the all the bills and makes sure my subscription to “Latvians In Stockings Weekly” is paid, takes care of all things around the house and garden and any DIY.

 She also has the traditional duties of cook, cleaner and occasional nurse. Indeed, the title of housewife no longer describes what she does. Yep, Heidi is our domestic chief executive officer. Now, like other CEOs, Heidi has to deal with hostile takeover bids as in attempts by others who have a fetish for fat ugly British cruise directors who try to seduce her husband. Like CEOs Heidi has to deal with, demands of long-term board members, or in this case, our parents. (more…)

 

“It’s too loud — are you trying to kill people in there?”……..and with that a very upset elderly British lady waved her hand in my face as I tried to talk to her and stomped out of the lounge. Hello, everyone, from a beautiful morning here in St. Petersburg, Russia. Yep, that lady I just told you about was not happy and I did my best to appease her and followed her down Promenade Deck away from the show room trying to apologise, trying to get her to talk to me. But her British lip was stiff and defiantly in the upright position and she waved me away again like she was swatting a mosquito with a rolled up newspaper. (more…)

WEINERS AND BARBIES

July 31, 2013 -

John Heald -

33 Comments

My daughter Kye no longer loves that purple bastard dinosaur or the bag of sausages sometimes known as Peppa Pig. Nope, they are gone and forgotten because my daughter Kye, aged four …….. now loves Barbie. She watches the movies with sickly titles like Barbie and the Red Shoes, Barbie in a Mermaid Tale, Barbie Does Dallas and Barbie Divorces Ken. And she has the Barbie Dream House and the Barbie Cruise Ship and lots of Barbie clothes for her Barbie dolls while Ken lives in a cardboard box in the shed. It reminds me of when my sister played with her Barbies and what I would do to them when she wasn’t looking.  I chopped their hair off and gave them a bath in the toilet. I pierced their ears with a huge safety pin. I painted their nipples blue and one had the same number of legs as Paul McCartney’s ex-girlfriend. I hate Barbie just as much as I hated Barney. Yesterday, I called home to wish Kye goodnight and tell her I love as I always do and she insisted on singing a song called “She’s the Queen of the Waves” which, of course, is from a Barbie movie. (more…)

 So as everyone else is still talking about Prince George……so will I. And just in case Prince William reads this blog (why wouldn’t he?), I thought that as George reaches a week old, I would give Will some advice. Yes, he will be surrounded by butlers and nannies and queens and servants but they won’t tell him the most important thing about being a father. And that is Mr. Prince……. now that your wife has had a baby, you can never ever be in pain ever, ever again. You see Willy, my daughter is now four years old and since she came in to our life, no matter what illness I have, it doesn’t matter anymore. (more…)

Copyright 2011 John Heald. All Rights Reserved

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