My wife is amazing. She runs the house, takes care of my five-year-old daughter and my huge mailman-eating dog, Breeze. She does not have me in her life to help her with any of that because I am sitting here on the Carnival Miracle, in Seattle, wearing only my underpants, writing to you. Yep, she does a terrific job and some may ask how she manages without a man around the house and the answer is simply that, apart from providing a salary, love for my daughter, a walk for my dog and, if it’s November 14, three minutes of rumpy pumpy for Heidi. (more…)

To start today I want to make a bit of a statement. You see, this week someone wrote to Carnival suggesting I was a dinosaur non-politically correct waste of blood and organs who had no right to be working for an organisation like Carnival Cruise Lines. So with your kind permission, I would like to say something to that regard. To me, political correctness started as a pretty good concept, a great idea that fat blokes like me should not be allowed to talk about or have fun with……..well………anything. But then it took over the world so that (more…)

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD

May 27, 2014 -

John Heald -

21 Comments

I like to think that I am capable of doing most of what life throws at me. I can tell a joke, gently persuade a cowboy not to stab a platinum guest in the face with a butter knife, I know how to drive a car, keep people calm in a fire, and boil and egg. I once even managed to put a piece of IKEA furniture together without having a sodding screw left over. Technologically speaking, I’m not bad, either. But when it comes to technology my knowledge and capability is that of the Dali Lama’s understanding of a lap dancing club. And last week I suffered a serious (more…)

As cruise director of the Carnival Miracle, I speak to lots of guests and enjoy every moment of doing so. Even when they are moaning about me, costumes, whales, leering looks, food, air, jokes, the weather or as yesterday a British guest saying that the ship was too “American,” I enjoy the challenge of finding something they are enjoying and concentrating on that. What is far more difficult and far more of a challenge is when you are talking with a guest who does not understand that there are others waiting in line for you and that they want to say hello and speak to you or ask a question. Such was the case last night at the Captain’s Celebration party in the lobby. Last cruise, it was the scene of “sexist pig gate” and, (more…)

There are many things I regret that I have said and done in my life — actions that if I could, I would go back in time and change. Telling Heidi, while she was giving birth to Kye, that having a baby was no more painful than the time I ate a massive order of pork skin (“crackling,” as we call it in the UK) and was constipated for days and then describing the effort I had made to finally get the pork crackling out, was both stupid and painful as the fingernail marks in my hand proved. However, some people do things in their life that are just as dumb and (more…)

Friday Thoughts

May 16, 2014 -

John Heald -

19 Comments

So here I am on my second week as a cruise director again and enjoying immensely being in Alaska. I am finding it a bit more challenging, though, to remember how to be a cruise director again, not the stage stuff but rather the management of 60 people in the entertainment department. And most of them were either in their strollers when I first started with Carnival and, in the case of a few of the dancers, were not even bloody well born yet – FFS! (more…)

The Balcony Club

May 14, 2014 -

John Heald -

43 Comments

We have the dome closed here on the Carnival Miracle and it gives guests a chance to use the pool and stay warm as we cruise the Alaskan waters and the guests really appreciate the covered deck for sure. The only problem with this is that you can’t do too much with live music because if I put the live four-piece band, Music Unlimited, there or one of the soloists or even the DJ, the music echoes and makes even the lowest sound levels become amplified and, honestly, it sounds awful. So most of the time, we have background music on there as we sail through the glaciers and the amazing scenery that Alaska provides. So last week on our sea day, I walked onto Lido Deck and saw people reading, relaxing and looking out of the windows and they were doing all of that to some kind of hip-hopping drum and bass Lady Gabeiber music. ……. while we cruised Alaskan waters. Oh F (more…)

CASSIE AND ELSA

May 12, 2014 -

John Heald -

20 Comments

I often talk about how much I miss my wife and my daughter and my mum and my family and friends but rarely do I say how much I miss my dog, a massive flesh-eating German shepherd called Breeze. He is almost two years old and I never thought I would be writing a blog about how much I miss him. I have never been a dog person. In fact, when Heidi, my wife, was trying to persuade me to get one, I was totally against it. A dog requires almost constant attention. It raids your garbage bin, bites the mailman, eats the sofa, craps on the carpet, wants a walk when it’s raining, barks in the night for sod all reason and costs a fortune when (more…)

Looking For Trouble

May 8, 2014 -

John Heald -

79 Comments

Last night was elegant night and that meant some but certainly not all of our guests were dressed formally and that, of course, included some very beautiful ladies………….by the way, remind me to talk about elegant night and what we have to do to make it better please. Anyway, so there I was standing in the lobby with the captain and a few senior officers when this absolutely stunning – I mean drop dead gorgeous – supermodel twenty-something walked past. (more…)

Time To Be A Cruise Director Again

May 5, 2014 -

John Heald -

56 Comments

There is more chance of Donald Sterling being asked to be Ambassador of the United Nations than there is of me ever being asked to be top beard for Carnival Cruise Lines. OK, I would enjoy being president for a week and be involved in important decisions like hiring more Latvian supermodels as crew and making Southend on Sea, Essex, UK, the home port for the Carnival Vista. But deep down I know I will never be president of Carnival Cruise Lines, a senior beard or indeed any kind of beard because I know my limitations and when it comes to what is required to be a beard, those limitations are massive. In the old days (more…)

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