As you will be reading down below we have a bit of a Christmas controversy appearing in the Q and A section and indeed it’s another example that the holiday season is here and some would say it’s been here in the shops and in advertising since August. Certainly as I wandered my local shopping street in Southend on Sea this past weekend trying to decide what to buy Heidi and my parents I felt very Christmassy indeed. This was mostly because of the music. First we had the lovely brass sounds of the Salvation Army Band playing outside Marks and Spencers which is the store where since the age of 17 I have bought my underpants. The band played Oh Holy Night prompting me to put some money in their collecting box.
Please note today’s blog will on several occasions feature the word plonker. Here is the definition — British origin… Means “thingy,” used as a derogatory term or an idiot, but also often used affectionately. I hear it morning noon and night. That sodding glockenspiel riff that goes “tum, tum-ti tum tum, tum-ti tum-ti tum tum.” It’s the theme tune to my daughter’s favourite program, the replacement to Barney who has been discarded like a pair of soiled underpants and I may as well get used to it because it’s going to be ringing in my ears for the foreseeable future……I am talking of course about Peppa Pig. I hated Barney and I hate Peppa Pig even more and want to serve her up with some apple sauce and some crispy roasted potatoes.
I spent a wonderful 25 minutes last night in perfect solitude. Kye was in bed, Heidi was watching TV and so accompanied by my Andy Macnab book, I retired to the toilet. It was nearly 30 minutes of total relaxation as I read about Secret Agent Nick Stone and his adventures delivering some shock and awe by shooting Somali pirates in the face before having rumpy pumpy with 27 Latvians…………….James Bond, my arse.
As some of you may know I have been nominated for a mash potato award in the category of “Business Person You Should Follow Thingy.” It seems that I am up against the godmother of the Carnival Freedom Kathy Ireland who has millions of followers who like her range of beautiful clothing and home goods plus she has I am sure some men who follow her because she is jaw droppingly beautiful. I have met her and introduced her on stage and she is a wonderful lady and a deserved winner of the award.
Let’s see who else has been nominated by cutting and pasting what the people at Mash Potato have written.
Hello everyone! Back in Miami where the weather is warm and the welcome sign is in Spanish.
It seems that Carnival and I have both been nominated for an award and Gerry and Micky have promised to buy me an Aston Martin if I win………ok, that’s bollocks but it would be nice to beat Bill Gates. Anyway, here is how to do it as told by a man who understands these kind of things because he has a a beard and goes to Star Trek conventions……..Eric, how do they vote?
Watching James Charlton do a brilliant job here as cruise director on the Carnival Magic reminds me of when I was his age and delivering the Carnival Destiny. James, like so many of the new breed of cruise directors, has the energy of the Energizer Bunny on speed. But as I walk around the ship and watch him work, I am also reminded of how things have changed.
Gone are the days when I could make an amusing farting noise over the PA system or in the middle of boat drill remind the guests that they should not allow the stringed bollocks on their life jacket drag on the deck. Yes, I am ashamed I used to do this and much worse, slipping in British words like bollocks, bugger, sod and git into my daily announcements.
So in a week’s time I will be home in the bosom of my family and it appears that one of the first things I will be doing will be spending my very hard earned money on a dog. Yep, for those who have been long time blog readers, you will know I have tried over the last few years to put it off but Heidi is like the Borg……..resistance is therefore futile.
As you know Heidi and Kye were supposed to be with me this week, a week I fully had intended to spend with them and to enjoy some wonderful family time. I had booked a nice family hotel called The Loew’s and it was going to be just wonderful. Then Heidi had to go to Holland leaving me to argue with British Airways about refunds. And all of this resulted in my now well documented Grumpypants week.
When I was talking to James Charlton about being the cruise director on the Carnival Magic’s trans-Atlantic crossing I went through with him all the different things that I had learned during the three crossings I have done as CD. Things like you can never have too much trivia be as visible as you can and be ready to meet the one or two very cranky people who should in all retrospect be wearing T-shirts that shout loudly “Born To Moan.” That’s because while 95% of the guests will have the most wonderful time, ask any crew member who has done a crossing and they will tell you that they do tend to bring out one or two grumpy buggers. But so far, James has reported as has Calvyn that things are going well. Yes there have been the usual comments as Calvyn will report shortly plus the usual one about the lack of TV in the middle of the Atlantic. But overall it sounds like the majority of the guests are all having a great time.
