Everyone’s A Comedian

October 2, 2007 -

John Heald

Good Afternoon everyone. How was your weekend? Things here have been as hectic as usual as we cruise towards Livorno. The weather has been just super for the entire cruise and again…………no sign of rain…………….can this continue for the rest of the season?……………I hope so.

Many of you have been asking what I actually won for the Seatrade thingy award. Well, here is a photo of what I have won.

Seatrade thingy award

Sorry…………I entered the realms of fantasy again

Here David Dingle, Chief Executive Officer of Carnival U.K. accepting the trophy award from Mary Bond, Editor, Seatrade Cruise Review & Seatrade Insider

Here David Dingle, Chief Executive Officer of Carnival U.K. accepting the trophy award from Mary Bond, Editor, Seatrade Cruise Review & Seatrade Insider

Here David Dingle, Chief Executive Officer of Carnival U.K. accepting the trophy award from Mary Bond, Editor, Seatrade Cruise Review & Seatrade Insider

I am sure my Dad will add that to the Carnival shrine that is his office.

Do you remember the man who told me that I had mentioned the Adriatic instead of the Aegean Sea when we passed through the Dardanelles? Well, this morning I found another unsigned note from the mystery man with 8 days of Carnival Capers attached. The had sat down and had found a total of 4 spelling mistakes and 14 grammatical errors. The note simply read:


The four spelling mistakes included the word “color” spelt “colour” but the others were indeed stupid mistakes by me which must have been there since February and even longer as I know I used the same Capers last year on the Carnival Liberty. The worst one of them all was the words “Formal Night,” which I had spelt “FormelNight.”…………………..bugger.

Anyway, I wish I could thank the guest but he remains mysterious and veiled in a cloak of secrecy. It also shows that even though I proof read the Capers every day that I have missed a simple word like Formel………………..Bugger !

Here are today’s photos as taken by Full-Time Photographer and very occasionally Entertainment Staff Gary. His chosen subject………..Our passage past the Stromboli Volcano.

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Stromboli Volcano

Here are the letters from today’s In Their Own Words section.

In Their Own Words

In Their Own Words

In Their Own Words

In Their Own Words

Here is today’s Joke Of The Day

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK, It’s a coincidence: I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter. I’d rather find yours.”

Here is today’s Q and A starting with one last one from the interview with Rick Meadows followed by the last few from the blog called A Happy Ending. To skip the Q&A, click here.

PETER WARD – Welcome home Peter from your extended European Vacation ………..you sound like the Griswold’s. Thanks so much for the magazine (Heidi got jealous and drew a moustache on AJ’s face) and also many thanks for the congratulations on the entertainment of which we are very proud of. I hope you will do as you suggested and cruise with us again and also please keep reading the blog thingy. Our best to you and the family.
MRS MTSFP – My Mum has now taken a personal interest in making sure you successfully cook Bubble and Squeak. Here is her simplified recipe for it with instructions as follows:
1. Boil the potatoes until tender, drain and allow to get quite cold.
2. Steam the cabbage until tender and plunge in cold water.
3. Finely chop and crush the potatoes.
4. In a frying pan melt the butter and fry the leeks gently without browning until softened.
5. Drain the cabbage well and mix in the potatoes and leeks. Season with grated nutmeg and salt and pepper.
6. Take tablespoons of the mixture and shape into round cakes.
7. Fry them in hot beef dripping to a good crisp golden brown on both sides.
Now, try this and let me know what you think. Mum asks if you have any recipes you would like to share with her? All the best and hope to hear that it was a success.
DAWN – We are very thankful to you and your travel company for the constant support of Carnival and long may it continue. Thanks again and I hope you are enjoying the blog.
SUSAN B – Thanks Susan for being so kind. I certainly will not be able to keep up the intensity of the blogs but I will be able to up or down load some audio blogs as well as some guest interview stuff so it will live on. I am going to fight the showing of Noting Hill but knowing that my wife gets her way all the time I guess I might as well give up now. Thanks Susan and I hope you will find time to read the blog and best regards from Heidi and I.
KEVIN – I agree with you mate. Big Ed must be watched at all times so therefore I have made sure that you and he share a cabin. I want to know if he is a spy for the opposition and if so he must be dealt with accordingly. I am going to call you Kevin Powers and Big Ed will now be known as Dr.Big Ed Evil……………..lets discover the truth.
CRUISIN SUE – With regard to the Sam, I think you mean Sam Simmonds a different Sam who was seeing my mate Corey. This is the other Sam, very quiet but WOW what a dancer. Hope she is reading this. I will try and keep the momentum going with the blog while on holiday and hopefully this will tide us all over while until January. You will be here soon and may I ask you to please leave a note when you get here at the Information Desk. Have a safe flight and see you soon.
LV2CRUISE – I am glad you liked the story about the Middleton’s, it certainly was inspiring and was even more special because of the happy ending. Your wonderful words of support continue to keep me going so many thanks for that and hope to hear from you soon.
ARNOLD AND ELIZABETH TUCKER – Loved the fly joke and consider that one stolen. Heidi is glowing after your comments about her and her Mum so you just made a Dutch ladies day. Every time someone sends me a joke it is tradition that I return the favour…………………………….so have a look at this one which was told to me by a guest this week.
Four women were driving across the country.
Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
“What the heck are you doing?” demanded the Nebraskan.
“We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!”
That made sense to the gal from Nebraska, so she began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
“What are you doing that for?” asked the gal from Florida.
“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by watching the entire scene, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out
See you in three weeks time and all the best.
CANUCK CRUISER – I haven’t had two Thursdays in one week since 1997…………that’s me in the dog house. Thanks again for the kind words about the award. My dad has an office dedicated to three things………trains, cruise ships and books about Sheffield. This award will go in his office along with all the other stuff. Maybe I can get him to take a few photos of his office some time. I saw the photos of the Carnival Liberty’s On Deck For The Cure walk and everyone looked great except Todd who is nowhere close to being as good looking as me………..poor sod. Glad to hear about the good news of Donna’s Mum doing so much better and I am sure I will get a lightning strike for a few comments in this and other blogs as well. Hope your Cowboys do well and I am still waiting for a NFL hat……..I just can’t make my mind up who my favorite team is. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for saying how much you enjoy the blog and our best to the entire family.
CINDER – What wonderful memories you have brought back. Of course I remember the kidnapping of the Badger Flag, it was one of the most talked about events of the cruise. The young man you are referring to is called Butch. He was my Assistant Cruise Director on the Carnival Liberty TA but you will be happy to hear that he is now a Cruise Director currently ion the Carnival Conquest. You asked who the Cruise Director will be on your January Carnival Liberty Cruise. The answer is a young man called Steve Knisley whom I know you will enjoy very much. I am glad that you have discovered the blog thingy and welcome to something that has been read so far by 729,000 readers. Welcome aboard and thanks so much for the great memories.
RIKKI BOYCE – Thanks Rikki. Let me start by saying I know the comedian to whom you refer. “Sarge” has worked for us on many occasions and is indeed a funny man. We allow many of our comedians to have fun at our expense and as this blog has shown, there is a lot of material here. It is very funny that you think I should blog for the entire Carnival Corporation as I guess in someway I am doing that now. Later this week there will be another of our VIP interviews and a few surprises as well. Thanks mate and my favorite comedian’s reference to ship idiosyncrasies goes to a comedian called Happy Cole who says “In the lifeboat drill the Cruise Director says that the lifeboats are built with special material that makes them unsinkable even when flooded. Well if that is the case, why don’t they make the ships out of the same material?” Hope you are enjoying the blog mate and thanks for everything.
LISA AND ELAINE – Hello Ladies. I checked on your cabin 8357 and here is the information you required. There are two hammocks, an upper and a lower with a bathroom on deck 6 which you share with 200 other people including me. There is a TV but it only picks up Mongolian stations. There is a third person in the cabin, the ships cat whose name is Teapot. ……. OK…… seriously. It is a category 1A and is the same size as most of the interior rooms on deck 8. It is a very comfortable room and although not our biggest will be perfect for you I am sure. Thanks for the support of the blog and I will find a happy medium that allows me to rest and to keep in touch with my thousands of new friends. See you soon and all the best.
TERESA AND PAUL B – Another fan of the Middleton’s. There story really was inspiring and for all of us who are married we all hope I am sure to be like them. The blog thingy will continue and I hope you both continue to find enjoyment in reading it. Wishing you both another 28 years of fun and happiness and many more after that.
LEASA – When I read your name on the postings I feel so humble. I can picture you sitting in front of the computer listening to your audio program that transcribes and reads out my ramblings. Therefore, if there is one reason to try audio blogging it is to do it for you. Therefore, that will be my project while I am on vacation and the first blog will be dedicated to you. You are a special person who even though sight impaired is full of life and happiness which I am sure we all find infectious. I hope to meet you one day and thanks again for being you. All the best.
BILL – ZYDECOCRUISER – Ask and it shall be given. Photos of my daily dinners will be forthcoming on my vacation blog. Here we go again with the food thing.
INMN253 – You and Big Ed are too kind. I will make sure that my vacation is the top priority and the blog secondary but I know I can continue to find the middle ground. Thanks so much for your concern. As for the cell phone thing I am very close to making a pre-show announcement about turning phones off, something I never thought I would need to do on a cruise ship………..don’t you love technology? Hope all is well in Minnesota and I look forward to going there soon and having something to eat……..on a stick. Cheers.
TOM AND JANE – Welcome home. What can you tell me about the cruise? Who was the Cruise Director?……..Go on, fill us in with the gossip. We missed you and hope you had a wonderful time.
MYRA BUSHNELL – Goodness me. A posting with so much mixed emotion. I started off laughing at your description of Wee Jimmy’s tummy and I was thrilled at how much you enjoyed the ship and the Carnival Glory crew. Then, I read about your beloved family dog passing away while you were onboard. You say he died of sadness because he missed you…….well, maybe that is true but you must not dwell on that. Remember the 14 years of fun and love you shared, I am sure he is, up there in doggy heaven. I know right now you say you do not want another dog. My Mum was the same when we lost Ringo. Time is a healer and maybe eventually the joy of a tiny woof and the smell of poo everywhere will be just what you need. Then I read about Mum hitting her head. How is she doing, please let us know? All of this seems to have you unsure about coming on the Bloggers Cruise. Well, do what you think best but remember that life is short and you really should live for each moment ………come on and cruise …….and when you get back……….buy a puppy. You mentioned the Foot and Mouth disease and because you had been to a ranch your suitcases and shoes were sprayed. In the U.K. we are very worried about this and Mad Cow. Did you hear about the two cows standing in a field? One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow disease?” “No, I am not, says the other one, I have nothing to worry about, I am a sheep.” Once again, sorry for your loss and please know we are thinking of you.
CAROL SCHOENBERGER – Hello Carol. You will be happy to know that any blogs I do on vacation will be both audio and written with the good news being, I won’t be doing the typing. I am glad you enjoyed the stories from yesterday’s blog. I see your neighbor is cruising on the Emerald Princess and why don’t you ask her if she would kindly send in a review to us here on the blog thingy. I am sure she will have a wonderful time. Thank you for the offer of the bagel and one day we will sit together and enjoy some bagels, cream cheese and good conversation. All the best from both of us.
IVANA – Hope you see this before you leave, have a wonderful time in Prague and let us know how it was when you get back.
VIKKI AND MATT TILL – To answer your question, we do have a Sports Bar on most ships, all of which will be covering the college sports. The only exception is here on the Carnival Freedom where the Florida Gators don’t often play Manchester United……….although, that would be fun to see. By the way, a friend of mine from the States went to a soccer match this last weekend in London. He saw Chelsea vs. Fulham and the score was an exciting 0-0. He is a huge basketball fan and has been asking me why us Brits get so excited about something so boring. Maybe he needs to go to a Manchester United vs Liverpool game and sit with the United fans, wearing a Liverpool shirt. I promise he won’t be bored then. The blogs will come as often as I can but not on Thursdays or the weekends as I am busy ………………..well, definitely not in the weekends. Best to you both, see you soon.
GREG BALDASARRI – Welcome back from the Carnival Conquest and to hear you speak so highly of Butch as a Cruise Director warms my heart. How nice of him to say that he owes it all to me. He really doesn’t, he has the talent and all I did was take the top of the bottle. I am so glad that the “On Deck for the Cure” went so well and we will be having our second one this coming cruise. Welcome home and thanks for everything you said, which I have passed on to Butch …………..he will be so proud, as I am of him.
BIG ED – I’ve heard about this natural Viagra, available in Turkey. I did, in fact, buy some and not for what you think. I just take it when the ship is rocking, it stops me rolling out of bed. ………..like a personal anchor. I know that is very rude, blame Big Ed, not me.
DWA76 – How are you mate? Every time I see a posting from you, I know I have a friend writing to me. Thanks for thinking of me while I am on vacation and David, I will find a way to rest, which is very important, but I will also find time to blog. Hope things with you are well, see you very soon.


RAY CZENSZAK – Well, this is quite amazing that I chose to interview your stateroom steward Japhet from your recent Carnival Freedom cruise. He is one of our finest and I will be certain to pass on your words of praise to him and his manager. I also hope to see you on the Carnival Splendor and thanks for making his day.
SHEILA EDWARDS – Such wonderful words for my beautiful wife Heidi. She really does take great pride in everything she does, especially the distribution of thousands of guests on tours each cruise. Thank you for mentioning her and she is excited to know that you have send her a package full of surprises. Hope to see you again very soon.
KATHY B – I am very happy to hear that you are enjoying the crewmember interviews. Please let me know a week or so before you sail on the Carnival Valor and I will arrange for your son to meet with one of the bridge officers so he can ask his questions about his future life at sea. Thanks again Kathy and please keep enjoying the blogs.
KATHIE – I don’t have any words to say how super your posting was to read. Thank you for thinking and caring about our crew and I have posted your words on our crew notice board. Thank you again so very much.
DWA76 – Thank you too mate.


MRS MTSFCP – I have to admit, yours and Jon’s were some of the first names I thought about when I decided not to do the TA. Alan is a very dear friend of mine and he is about to undergo hours of very complicated surgery and my mind will only be there with him. He will be in weeks of rehab and I need to help the family look after his kids while his wife takes care of work. I promise we will have time together on the 28th and we will have a little cocktail party and I also promise that Todd will give you a wonderful vacation and will take special care of you. Thanks for being so understanding.
TERESA AND PAUL B – I do really need a vacation and I am glad you will keep reading the blog. I know I have disappointed a lot of people but we will all meet one day, I promise. I may see you on April the 12th. That one, I am not quite sure about yet. As you will see from today’s blog the man who called me “ignorant” suggested I went back to school after finding four spelling mistakes in my Carnival Capers. I wish he had signed the letter, I could have thanked him, and not doing so, in a way was a little ignorant. It was a stupid mistake I made and I feel silly for doing so but I thought his letter was a little harsh. Thank you for your unconditional support. Wish you both all the best.
DAVE AND JO MYERLY – I am glad you understand from your own friendship the bond that Alan and I have. He is a great friend and even though I put up with him ruining my teenage years, I need to be there for him now. I am glad you like Old Spice and thank you for reminding me about another favorite of mine “Brut.” You just can’t find these anymore. I hope you and Jo are both well and Heidi and I still picture you sitting there in your bloggers t-shirts. We hope to see you very soon.
MARY – I am glad you will be meeting me in the Swingtime at 5:15pm and yes, the drinks are free. I really do thank you for understanding about me not being on the TA. I know I am letting you down but the fact that you understand makes me feel so much better. See you in a few weeks, I look forward to raising a glass to your health.
BILL ZYDECO CRUISER – Thanks mate. I really will enjoy a break and even though I will be busy blogging and looking after Alan and taking care of my parents and making sure that Heidi gets special treatment and relaxation I will be very relaxed. I didn’t realize you had sailed on The France. Thanks for the link, I shall enjoy reading that. How was the food? Cheers mate, thanks again for the kind words.
CAROL SCHOENBERGER – Carol, once again, you are such a dear friend and Heidi and I thank you most sincerely for everything you have written today.
LYNN – Thank you so much Lynn. Your words will mean so much to me and of course Alan, who I know reads this blog every day.
OKTEACH – Thank you for your understanding and thank you for thinking of Alan and his family. We will be meeting you at 5:15pm on the 28th of October. I wish I could invite your entire Cruise Critic group but I would like to keep this a small and intimate gathering. I have confirmed the Swingtime at 11 am on the first sea day for your group. If you require anything else, please let me know. I will see you and Dave in a few weeks and thank you again for thinking of me and of course Alan.
BIG ED – Thanks mate. One thing you and I must do is keep laughing and making Alan laugh. I know he thinks of you as a mate and would bend over backwards to get on this bloggers cruise to meet you and the gang. Thanks again mate, that’s what friends are for.
DWA76 – There are a wealth of stories about Alan and I and over the next few weeks I will be sharing many more with you. Thanks again for such wonderful support which I draw great strength from.
JO MYERLY – You are a true friend. Thank you so much.
ELIZABETH AND ARNOLD TUCKER – I am so sorry to disappoint you and burst your balloon. Todd however will blow it up again and make sure the cruise is amazing for you. Alan is my best mate. We grew up together (well I did) and I need to be there for him now. Please come to the little gathering at 5:15pm and send me your cabin number so I can send you an invitation. Thanks again for your kind understanding and special words.
MATT EDMUNDS – The Cruise Director for the crossing will be Todd Wittmer. He is brilliant and the best we have. He is indeed on the Carnival Liberty and will be joining me here on the 24th of October. I will chat about gifts and stuff soon and most importantly I wanted you to know how much I appreciated your gracious words. You are a true gentlemen and I thank you so very much. Cheers mate

That’s all the time I have for Q and A tonight.

I have to say I am overwhelmed at everyone’s support. I have not had time to read all the comments so far but everyone I have read has such sincerity in their words of support………………goodness I am a lucky man to have such friends like all of you.

Tomorrow, Roberto will slap on a link to an address in Miami where if you wish (and I hope you do) you can send mail and packages to. This will be in the care of Chris Prideaux in Miami who will then forward everything to me in the U.K. I hope to get some holiday cards from you all and then I can return ones to you all as well. Thanks to Chris for doing this.

Alan is going in for his Head CT tomorrow so please keep thinking of him. I have no idea why he needs one, you don’t need modern technology to tell him he is ugly — that is what mirrors are for.

I wanted to share this letter with you today as well. This is a letter from a guest which is full of inspiration and hope and support and really fitted into the theme of today. Here it is.



I read this letter out at the Afternoon Show today and then we spoke about the two special men in her life. Danna is a special lady who has been through so much and as you can see her rock has been her husband Mike. I noticed that he uses laughter and fun to help his beautiful lady get through the dark days and that takes a special person. Reading their letter will I know provide much needed inspiration to many…………….myself included.

To finish with tonight and before I go and see the Beatles Show I wanted to share a great conversation I had with a guest after my debarkation talk today at the Q and A………..always a great source of fun as well as knowledge. The man I had the conversation with was from somewhere called Upstate New York. He was in his 60’s I would say and was wearing the largest crucifix round his neck I have ever seen along with a huge gold chain that could have supported the ship’s anchor……….or mine. The crucifix and chain was accompanied by lots of other gold chains and various charms and medallions……….he was either very brave or just loved gold…………anyway, we will call him …………………..Mr. T

Here is roughly how it went……………….

MR.T………………I would like to make a comment
John………….Yes Sir, please go ahead
Mr.…………My name is %$$# and I am from Upstate New York. I want to know why you do not allow comedians in the talent show.
John…………..It is company policy sir as we have incidents before where guests have said things that were really inappropriate.
Mr.………Well, I am a professional and I do a tribute act to the funniest comedian in the world…………don’t you see the resemblance?
John………….Ummmmmmmmm…………….No………….let me ask the audience………….and I did.
There were about 200 in the audience and maybe a dozen or so all said together “Rodney Dangerfield”
John…………Oh, I am sorry but I have not heard of him
Mr. T……….I don’t get any respect
John……..I am not disrespecting you sir I just don’t know who he is
Now most of the audience laughs and I am totally confused
Mr.……….That is what he says…………I don’t get no respect
John………..Oh…………( looking ignorant for the second time today) ……………OK, let me answer a few more questions and then come and do a few minutes. He did…………….and although some of his lines were delivered in a strange rasping voice they were quite funny and the audience laughed. His best line was “Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have ’em both the same way – very rare.”

Anyway, I was sorry to learn that this guy (Rodney, not Mr. T) had passed away and when time permits I hope to learn more about Mr. Dangerfield from Mr. Google.

So, off to the show I go and thanks to all of you for ……………well………………you know.


Your friends

John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.