Duty Calls

January 9, 2008 -

John Heald

If it was not for Heidi I would arrive in Miami tomorrow afternoon with no underwear and then be forced to wear Heidi’s…………….something I would hate to have to do ………again.    

So, thanks to Heidi and her scientifically based formula on packing my underwear and I should arrive safely on American Airlines flight from London Heathrow to Miami on Thursday afternoon.

I am writing this from my Mum and Dads house and specifically from my Dad’s office (or shrine to Carnival Cruise Lines) as we are here to say goodbye to them for a few months. Saying “goodbye” to family has been and always will be the hardest fact to face about the life I lead and a huge sense of guilt washes over me as I do so. However, since a young, thin and somewhat handsome 22-year-old boarded an airplane 20 years ago they have been nothing but supportive in my chosen career………….however, saying goodbye gets harder each and every time. 

Working for Carnival has enabled me though to look after them in special ways and they have enjoyed so many cruises in the past. These cruises, compared with family holidays of the past which were spent camping, sleeping on the floor and pooing in a bucket were pure luxury.

Let’s congratulate Carnival Cruise Entertainment Department under the masterful guidance of my mate Roger Blum. Their website www.carnivalentertainment.com recently revamped and re-launched has proven to be a huge and mighty success with a million hits. It us used as a portal to advertise our product, the award-winning shows and as the prime way for would be singers, dancers, technicians, musicians and entertainers to check out what we do and hopefully for them to apply to work within the best entertainment department at sea. Special congratulations to Kerry Stables our Director of Production Entertainment and Vance Gulliksen from Public Relations who along with others have made this site such a success.

You know, there are thousands and thousands of cruise ship entertainers working for all our sister companies. With the success of things like Face Book,  My Space, Friends Reunited and Uglygirlswhodatedjohn.com I wonder if we could develop a site like these. Now, I have no idea how these things work but I do not that all the dancers, musicians and all the crew use these site thingies to contact friends and family. Therefore, a cruise ship employee thingy doing the same job would be great — we could call it Sea Book, Cabin Space or Crew Reunited.

Anyway, have a look at the web site and a huge standing ovation goes to Carnival’s Entertainment Department for yet again leading the way.

Now, I have to report that I have changed my allegiance. I have been raving about my girlfriend the Aston Martin for some years. She is beautiful, powerful and soulful but as out of sight as the planet Uranus. By the way, when I was a kid at school we were told the planet was called Uranus, pronounced Your Anus. Now though, it seems that political correctness has gone mad yet again and kids are being told to call it Ura Nus …..still I bet the mad scientist who discovered the planet has had years of merriment about his discover. All the other astrologists who discovered planets called them proper names like Saturn and Jupiter…………not mad old Professor Fonari who thought ………… mmmmmmmmmm ………..what shall I all it……….I know……….let’s call it “Uranus.” Maybe he was drunk, maybe he had hemorrhoids……….Anyway, he was brilliant and has given kids all over the world years of hysterical giggles.

What was I saying, oh yes, the Aston. Well, I got to drive a friend’s Bentley Continental GT yesterday and I am sorry to report Miss Aston that you are dumped and I am now officially in love with the Bentley……..oh and Uma Thurman……………back to her in a minute.

So, if there is a blogger who is reading this and just about to buy me an Aston, can I be rude and ask for a Bentley instead………..a black one………preferably the convertible GTC model.

Women…………….looking back over the last few months of the blog I have seen myself go from the stunning beauty and unpredictability of Angelina Jolie to the sophisticated gorgeousness that is Catherine Zeta Jones but again……….and my apologies to both ladies who I know will spend days locked in a dark room sobbing at this news …………… my heart now belongs to Uma. This has happened since I saw her advertise my new mobile phone and her raw beauty, lavish blonde hair and her leather pants have since been in the forefront of my mind. So, I am now going to ask Carnival to consider Uma as Godmother of the Carnival Splendor………………..what do you think?

Right now I should be answering the questions you have posted on the last few blogs but alas I cannot. Not only has time got the better of me but my printer has broken so I cannot print the out to answer them. However, I will do so very soon. I have once again read all the comments and all of you are to be thanked from the bottom of my heart for your continued support of my thingy.

So, this time tomorrow I will be in Miami. I have a busy schedule of meetings on Thursday and Friday plus some time to visit friends.  We were to join the Carnival Freedom in Miami on Saturday; however we will now fly to San Juan (the home of my great friend Nanni) on Monday and join the ship then. This will allow Heidi, Roberto and I to complete everything we have to do for the bloggers cruise.Oh, by the way, the tour to Dolphin Cove is going to be stunning. It’s an all day tour; however you can leave when ready as there is constant transportation back to the ship. Lunch is included as is Dunns River Falls and shopping if needed. I will be there and don’t let the thought of seeing me wander the sun-kissed beaches of Jamaica in my G String (sponsored by Burger King, Home Of The Whopper) put you off from joining us. It will be an historic day.

I will write everyday from Miami and everyday next week from the ship. Don’t forget that on the 13th the three Queens will sail out of New York together. If you live in the area and you love ships I would line the shore to witness this incomparable event as Elizabeth, Mary and Victoria sail side by side.

OK, time to go. A big hello to you all and I know that over the last two months my blogging has been somewhat sporadic and maybe not in the format you all enjoy. However, I want to thank you for your understanding and support……..it really means the world to me.

However, duty calls and it is time to sit in my airplane seat for ten hours and like hundreds of passengers before me fart gently into the chair in the hope that nobody heard me. Like hundreds of passengers before me who fly trans-Atlantic I shall ignore my body’s demand to deposit the airplane food they served for lunch and wait to the plane lands. Like hundreds of passengers before me I shall pray that as the large man with thighs the size of a small Yak waddles down the aisle that he won’t be sitting next to me……………oh, hold on, I am that large man…………….bugger.


Your friends

John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.