I love K mart

February 17, 2008 -

John Heald

All was going well and it had been a peaceful night as I sat in the cabin waiting for the Welcome Aboard Show……….however at 8:20pm all that changed as I was propelled into the doghouse quicker than a Cheetah……………..on speed.

Heidi had gone to the Café to get some Tai Tea Crappucino Moca Latte something or other and had been the victim of………………. a drive by blogging.

As she stood ordering her thing two ladies saw her from 20 feet away and, screaming in excitement, ran towards her as though she was giving away bags of $100 bills………………they both hugged her and told her how immensely happy they were both were that they were here and so were Heidi and I……………all was going well……………until…………………one lady started to tell Heidi some …………..ummmmmm………….well……………..different ways ………..to get pregnant………….and they were quite personal.

Now, I know Amy and Louise will be reading this when they get home or even while they are on the ship and please don’t feel bad. Heidi was honoured to meet you, however, I was definitely about to find myself in Poo Bay for discussing our personal life on this here blog.

Anyway, some of the ways that they suggested we…………..ummmmm…………..well…………you know………..had Heidi blushing and I have to say that unless I suddenly turn into a Yoga master there is no way I will be able to do what they suggested. Right now I am as flexible as an iron bar.

So, Heidi returned to the cabin and that was me……….you know where.

It’s now 9:17pm and I have just finished getting ready for the show. You never know what the first night show will bring as it is different each and every week. It is the most important show of the week, however, as it does set the tone and allows me to “sell myself” as the Cruise Director and hopefully make sure that indeed the “Fun does begin.”

Here is the breakdown for this cruise.

GUESTS ONBOARD – 3109
GUESTS UNDER 18 – 239
NON US AND CANADA – 388
MOST REPRESENTED COUNTRY – UK – 56

HERE ARE TODAY’S RANDOM PHOTOS

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Antonio, cheif bosun

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Asst. waiter Mario from Honduras

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Mr. Messina, team leader

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John in the real doghouse

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Our cabin steward, Sudarmaja, with our laundry

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Our cabin steward, Sudarmaja with John’s smelly socks

Today is the day that I usually pay my bills through the wonders of online banking and call my Dad who takes care of my mail. Today, during our call I discovered that I am about to be charged extra tax because…………….I drive an SUV. Yep, that’s right because my car is slightly bigger than those that run on camel urine, I have to pay an extra $200 a year road tax…………and according to the letter I received, if I refuse to pay, the British Government will take me to the Tower of London where I will be publicly flogged by a bearded man in a brown suit.

I already have to pay extra money just to drive into London with something called Congestion Charge and now because I have something that can carry four adults and a baby elephant or two I am punished again. This really put me in a bad mood and I have now decided to sell the SUV and buy a Toyota Yaris which will apparently save the Polar Bears and can go 3000 miles before I need to pull over at the nearest camel and ask it to fill up my tank.

Now, I know this has nothing to do with my job or cruising but you are the only person I can talk to so…………..thanks for listening.

Time to rummage through the mail and answer some of your questions and comments. …………here we go.

Actually, no………this will have to wait until tonight or tomorrow as its nearly Showtime………..see you later.

Here I am, its now 11:45pm and the streets of New York are empty………..they must be. I had 8 people on stage and 6 out of the 8 were from the Big Apple as was most of the audience.

I felt a little flat tonight, I am not sure why………I think the energy level was different to last week ……….saying that I had some great characters including a Japanese guest who spoke little English……….he could say Hello but that was about it. I asked him if he was married he said…………….”yes, I play golf”………………it was very funny.

His name was hard to pronounce so I called him Fred…………..all the guests are now saying “hello Fred”………he says I play golf”………its become the catch phrase of the week.

Here is Fred
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Ok, let me answer a few questions before I go to bed. Heidi is already asleep dreaming no doubt of me dressed as a Roman Gladiator.

CRUISIN SUE………………..I see yours was another question that lost its way and never got answered for which I am very sorry. Let me therefore answer it now. You asked that because you booked the Bloggers Cruise using your military discount can you still be included in all the events. The answer is yes mamm…………..without a doubt. Nearer the time I will make sure I take your details and you will be at every one of our activities and shows. Hope this is good news for you and many thanks for all your kind words.
BETTYBOOP1BIGKAHUNA………………Hello Betty. How is your big Kahuna? You asked if Valentines Day is as big in Europe as it is the USA……………….absolutely and we celebrate in exactly the same way as you with men getting mushy and saying stupid things like “I love you” while Hallmark make a fortune selling cards and small bears holding a heart. Actually, the UK celebrates every major holiday as you do, even Halloween is now huge at home. We don’t have Thanksgiving and for some reason we do not celebrate the 4th of July………………I wonder why?
Sheriff

ROSCOE P COLTRANE………………..Actually, when I wrote that blog which included the Bad Boys Theme I did indeed think of you. I can picture you now singing that in your patrol car. We should make a movie, a buddy cop movie about a good old country officer and a British policeman who team up to capture the notorious underworld crime lord Big Ed……………what do you think? Stay safe mate.

LONGIN 2 CRUISE…………………Is there a brig on the ship was the question that you asked and apparently it was a subject of conversation on Cruise Critic as well. It’s one of the more frequently asked questions and the answer is …………………yes. There are 2 brigs. The properly designed padded walled one and my bathroom. The first one is used to lock up naughty people and the second one is used when I have gaseous problems and I am locked inside there until the all clear signal is given.

Seriously though there is a brig on every Carnival ship. The one on here has yet to be used in the ship’s 10 month history and if I think back on my 20 years it is hard to remember a time that they have on any ship……………there has been the odd time and usually it is done for that person’s own personal protection.

I will work on Marcus joining us for the cruise and it sounds like you are going to have a wonderful time……………..unless we decide to put you in the brig. Thanks for the question and thanks for your support of my blog thingy.

GREG BALDASSARI………………Glad you are enjoying the random photos of the crew and you are correct when you answered your own question………..Heidi has indeed been given the role of official blog photo thingy. I will continue to feed your addiction and I hope the blogs continue to make you laugh and keep you in the spirit of cruising.
Cheers mate.

MYRA BUSHNELL……………hello Myra. I hope you had a wonderfully romantic Valentines dinner with Scott and thank you for the lovely words. I have never seen the movie you refer to but having read your review I now really want to. Here is a review I found and it sounds wonderful.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120731/

There are so few movies set on a cruise ship outside of the disaster movies. I still have never seen the Jack Lemmon movie set on a Holland America ship either. So, thanks Myra and I will add this to my must see list.

TXLADYDI………………Once again an apology for missing your posting and not replying to your comment before. It seems you are one of the many who feel that I should not be the Cruise Director. I happen to agree and as I mentioned yesterday I do think I have found a solution that will please everyone. I look forward to meeting you and the Cruise critic Bloggers crew next year and our very best to you all until then.

Mr. MISSINGTHESMOKEFREEPARADISE……………Thank you for sharing that wonderful story with us all, the tale of the wedding ring and your love for your beautiful wife………….It could so easily become a romance novel. You asked me what can I do to make her love me more…………….that is a tough one. May I suggest you start by promising never to wear anything lime green again ……….ever. Then, come and sail on the Carnival Splendor and as we sail past the White Cliffs of Dover kiss her and renew your love for her and promise that you will never again wish you had married Joan Collins.
Happy to help as always mate.

THE BEARS CARL AND BARB……………..As requested I will indeed pass on your best regards to Martina in the Posh Dining Room. She is an outstanding member of our wonderful team. I hope you and the rest of the Bears are well and we both send a big cuddle to you all.

CWR32…………….As always it is wonderful to welcome new people to my blog thingy. I hope you enjoy it as often as you can and Heidi and I look forward to meeting you and the rest of the Cruisemates 2009 Bloggers group next year. Please let me know if you have any questions and see you soon.

SUSAN B………………There are many times in my life where I think “how strange” and here is such a case. I am sitting here typing this blog and on the CD player is the special CD mix you and my evil crew friends made. Each tune is so special except the constant addition of It’s A Small World which although annoying as having your bottom covered in syrup and then having 400 ants poured down the back of your pants still brings a smile to my face as it reminds me of all of you.
Thanks to you, Lance and everyone for the permanent memories of a great week.

MIKE L…………….I am sure you must be in shock as we all are. I join you and the bloggers in remembering the families who lost loved ones who met such a tragic end to their young lives at

NIU…………………….we shall remember them.

LISA………………thank you for your first ever posting which included some interesting stories about my wife and her telling me to “get on with it” while I was making an announcement…………..these words are often heard in the bedroom as well.

I understand totally what you mean about the hot weather and I am therefore very excited to hear that you have decided to join us for the Bloggers Cruise in 2009.The Carnival Fantasy will feel like a brand new ship and I promise it will be a cruise you will never forget. See you next year and please keep reading the blog for more news.

PAM M……………..I am so sorry but I leave the day you join the ship……………..I feel so bad I won’t be here for you. Congratulations on your ex being…well………….your ex………………I loved your posting. Have a brilliant cruise in March and wish I was there with you.

CAROL SCHOENBERGER………………..woohoooo from me too.

LINDA THE MOUSE…………….hello Linda. I didn’t receive the card yet but I am sure it will be waiting for me in Miami on Saturday. You asked if I can post the CD schedule and indeed I shall be doing so this week. I really wanted to sell the scrapbooks from the blog but it is taking much more time than I would have liked. When are you sailing on the Carnival Inspiration? Please let me know and I will send a Carnival Freedom book through our internal mail service to the ship for you……………let me know.
Cheers Linda and best from us both.

IVANA…………………Your cabin is fantastic and you are at the stern of the vessel. The anchors we use on your itinerary are from the bow only so you will have no anchor noise. Have fun on the Carnival Valor and thanks for reading the blog thingy today.

RUS AND NINA FRANKLIN…………….You are the first people to suggest a title for my book………..if it ever gets published and I really liked it a lot. On the subject of the couple who were having marriage problems I did indeed give it my all to get them back together and in some way I feel guilty that I did not succeed. I appreciate so very much your continuing support and friendship and look forward to your next posting.

MARK TWAIN AND A HALF…………………Good question. Yes, all the inside cabin doors on the Conquest class doors have the vents in the doors however the Fantasy class do not. I am sorry you were disturbed by corridor noise and maybe we need to ask for more respect from guests when they walk down them late at night. Thanks for bringing this to my attention and I will work on an announcement on day one with this in mind. Thanks to you and your better half.
BILL AKA ZYDECOCRUISER………………Hello mate. You asked if Ken the all singing Maitre D will be on the Carnival Splendor and the answer thank goodness is yes………….there is nobody like him.
Have you booked the 09 Bloggers cruise yet mate. It’s always good to type in your name and I hope all is well.

That’s it for now as I have to start getting ready for the Elegant Night events. As always I want to thank all of you whose comments I did not reply to and say a big hello to each and every one of you…………..please keep your postings coming.

This week I will be hosting a new activity. It is based on the show we call Are You Smarter Than A 5 Year Old, I think you have a similar show in the States and probably in Canada too. I am calling it Are You Smarter Than a Camp Carnival Kid………..I think this will be really funny and I will let you know how it goes. If it works then I will send the idea around the fleet.

What else……………..ahhhh yes. I saw your comments about Platinum Card Holders being fed up with receiving the same gift each time……………..you know what,………………you are so correct. One lady has 11 of the Tote bags and this gift needs to be changed ASAP……………I am lucky that so many of the Carnival folks read my blog and I am sure someone is taking action on this………..it’s time.

I wanted to mention to the chap who wrote in and said that we had treated his favorite cruise line very badly by never mentioning it. That cruise line is of course Ocean Village and I am happy to let you know that I contacted its managing Director yesterday and an interview will be forthcoming.

And now a touchy subject…………… It was reported to me by a blogger who is on this week (Cruising Mom) that she and her high school reunion group were recently on a Something Of the Seas ship. Brenda (CruisinMom) told me today that during the cruise they were anchored next to a Carnival Ship (Liberty) in Grand Cayman. As they were leaving the Cruise Director said over the PA system that they were leaving once the K Mart Of The Seas (Liberty) had left……………….I was pretty mad about this. Now, I know that writing this will have thousands of you springing to Carnival’s defense and really there is no need to do so and the only reason I am letting you know is to show how disappointed I am in the Cruise Director………….I may have ” fun” on the blog about other lines but never over the PA system. Still, thinking about it, what’s wrong with K Mart…….it is one of the most trusted names in America and because of its popularity it is able to sell quality goods at reduced prices. I am not going to start a thing here but it did make me a little cross…………….I will however not be drawn into a peeing contest with them……………I am above that.

This blog is a bit…………well…………all over the place so I will finish now and go put on my tuxedo. I feel much better today as I haven’t been able to sleep the last few days. I have no idea why………..I went to bed tired…………..but sleep avoided me like every pretty girl avoided Alan and I…………..they really did………….it was like we were holding a large sign that said “We both have a Tropical Disease and any minute now we are about to have a sneezing attack”……………………Anyway, back to the sleeping thing…….it started on Thursday……………couldn’t sleep………………Friday…………..even worse…………..I tried Tylenol PM and some sleeping tablet thingy……………..nothing…………….and then last night I slept like a baby……………I found the perfect sleep aid…………….the RCI commercial………………I was asleep in seconds

Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.