Some times in this job things happen that you would never ever have been able to plan ahead for…..things that make you smile and things that make you say “Why the heck did I not think about this and prepared myself?”…………..Today was such a day and more about that later…………….but first.

Good Afternoon…………I have decided that following this mention of it I will no longer be referring to my Bell’s Palsy until such a day when I see an improvement ………literally. Every time I think about it or write about it I feel down on myself so I have decided to adopt one of the finer British traditions and break out the stiff upper lip…………can’t do the bottom one as that is droopier than Droopy’s ears ………….I was going to be crude then and mention Dolly Parton……….but decided not to.

So, the British Stiff Upper Lip that got the country through World War II and 10 years of Mr. Blair has now been deployed and there will be no further mention of my condition……………I will say that this morning when I took my patch off my eye it saw a range of colours and images that were quite weird. I felt like I was trapped inside Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody video …………. Anyway ………..no more talk of this dam thing……….if I could whistle right now it would be the tune to Bridge Over the River Kwai………….there was the British Stiff Upper Lip at its best.

We have just left Grand Cayman where the tendering operation went very smoothly today. We started at 7:30 am and by 10:30 am we had only 400 guests left onboard. Heidi tried to persuade me to go for a walk but I really didn’t want to and besides, Grand Cayman has seen enough Pirates in its time without another bloke with a patch over his eye……….oh………that wasn’t referring anything about my condition………..well………….maybe a little …………sorry about that.

Anyway, instead of heading ashore I tried to rest, not speak and lay down …………. I did………….20 minutes later I realized that doing this was like a blunt stick……..pointless. So, instead I started working on the Carnival Capers for the Carnival Splendor. This is really hard as the ship is a new design and it’s tough planning what you want to do without seeing the layout, etc. Anyway, I got some of the first eight-day cruise completed where I could, which gives me a head start for June. While I was doing this I made Heidi (she refused at first) go and sunbath on deck for a couple of hours……………she has been very busy looking after me and I wanted her to relax a bit today……………….she did.

When she returned she told me of an interesting sight she saw. There were very few people on deck with most ashore. Now, I may have mentioned that on every ship, every cruise, there are people who never step foot ashore. For them the vessel is the total destination and they enjoy the peace and quiet that the ship offers when the majority of the guests are ashore.

So, today Heidi was on deck 10 in the sun, it was 11:30 am and she watched in amazement as two people……………in their sixties…………laid just ten feet away from her………………..naked as the day they were born……………….the man was lying on his stomach roasting his bottom in the sun and the lady was lying on her back roasting her everything. Heidi could not believe her eyes. The same could be said for the other two couples in the area and of course the poor pool steward nearly fainted when he walked by.

Heidi had no choice but to go over and tell them that this was not allowed ………….. she was the right person to do this……….because…………..they were both German guests. Heidi then told them in fluent German to put some clothes on which basically translates to “Putten On das clthes as allus Kan das boobies und dangly bittszen geseen.”…………they did immediately but told Heidi that they had been allowed to do this on other cruises they had taken when the ship was in port. Heidi apologized but said that Carnival does not allow any clothing optional sun bathing…………..they were very polite and understanding. Is that true?…………Does Aida and NCL allow this? ………… Surely not……………I am positive that your bits below the waist line have to be covered for sure and even the ladies I think have to wear a Stoppen Von Floppen………..Bra/Bikini in German………….sorry, couldn’t resist.

Anyway, Heidi sent Mr. and Mrs. Muller a bottle of champagne tonight and a nice letter in German…………….she was however traumatized for hours afterwards as when she went over to talk to the couple the man who had been lying on his back turned over………….and had a nice view of his Schnitzel ………….she came back to the cabin and we decided to have lunch………….hot dogs were not on the menu.

Here are today’s random photos.

dsc00832.jpg

The Costa Fortuna next to us in Grand Cayman

dsc00839.jpg

Dancer Sergey Shchetinin

dsc00842.jpg

Entertainment Staff: Jeremy, Heidi, Brandon, Melanie, James and Adele

And on we go with the Q and A

DWA76……………I don’t know how many times I have opened a blog and saw your name at the start of a comment section and smiled. Your constant support is so wonderful and one day we will be together on board. Thanks mate for everything.

SHERYL PELTON…………..Just wanted to say congratulations on booking the Carnival Splendor cruise. It will indeed be fantastic to meet you and share in this wonderful European adventure together. Not long now! Cheers.

SCOTT…………I am glad you like the blog and knowing it makes you chuckle makes me very happy. In answer to your question Malcolm in the Middle will be your Cruise Director on the Carnival Victory someone who I know you will enjoy very much. Thanks again for the kind words mate and all the best.
OREGON…………..Thanks for the feedback. It is always very hard to choose destinations that will make everyone happy and ultimately there will be people who for whatever reason will not like what we choose. I wish there was a way to make everyone happy. Cheers.

JAC31419…………..Thanks for sharing your story mate. The straw thing is something I am all too familiar with………it’s a little depressing. Thanks for thinking of me though it means a lot. Cheers

LV2 CRUISE………Your welcome and thanks for the nice words as always.

SPIDER……………thank you ………for thinking of Maria.

TERRI 910……………..Your point is an excellent one. One joke that will make 3,000 people howl with laughter may indeed offend one person who if they are vocal about their dislike of it will become the one person you remember. It is difficult not to but sometimes you just have to remember that old saying that you cannot please all the people all the time…………..I just really want to though. Thanks for your observations and your support of me and my thingy. All the best.

STEPHANIE AND PAUL………….I am indeed going to try Boston Legal in a moment again as everyone has told me I should …..Let’s see. Far be it for me to advise parents what to do with the video game thing, but I think I would do as you do and limit the access to the stuff. It’s a shame but these days you seem to less kids playing outside. Anyway, give AJ a big high five from me and Heidi and I send our best to you all.

JENN………..Your posting about the games summed it up oh so well with a six-year-old playing something called God Of War…..that’s why we have the games we do on board because that’s what the kids want to play……………who am I to judge? I wish I could be curled up in bed but I must carry on otherwise I think I may just go rather mad. Thanks for the great posting and my best to you and all your family.

MICHELLE………..Thanks to you and Tom for those lovely words.

SOUTHERNDREAMS……………33 days together…………that’s really something to look forward to. Can’t wait to see you both again. Are you going to watch the leaves turn colour this year? Best to both you and Charles.

JAKE SILVERBERG…………………………..Thank you for the Birthday wishes. That was very kind of you.

ANGELA……………….What a lovely posting. Saying that one of our dancers Sergey looked like your husband who is currently serving in Iraq was so humbling to read. I will make sure I tell Sergey and I am sure he will be very happy to hear this. I am sure you are very proud of your husband as is everyone who reads this blog thingy. Please keep reading, if there is anything else we can do for you, let me know. Most importantly, please send our best wishes to your husband.

MARK HAIZLIP……………Really looking forward to seeing you next week. I laughed out loud when I read all the things you don’t want to happen to me, before you sail. Please drop me a line at the Pursers Information Desk, letting me know you are on board. I promise I will do my best to make sure you and your fiancée have the best cruise ever.

LAMB KNUCKLES……………..I cannot believe that just by mentioning a Cunard cruise for the bloggers it has caused so much feedback. In the weeks to come, I will see where this is going to take us. Thank you for the kind words for Heidi, Stephanie and Roberto. I promise not to tell you know who that you eat lamb.

ZYDECO CRUISER………………..Certainly, you are correct mate that the dress code on the Queen Mary 2 will be very different to a Carnival experience. This is one of the many things I am going to take into consideration before we would be moving forward with this. I am really looking forward in the summer.

KEVIN………………I guess I am one of those few people who have never really got into the computer game thingy. Maybe I should save the world, chop up a few heads and hit a zombie over the head with Bambi’s dead carcass. Maybe then I would understand what all the fuss is about. Thank you very much for saying how much you are looking forward to the 2009 Bloggers Cruise, as of course am I so we can finally meet. Cheers mate.

JOSH CHRISTOPHER……………………Thank you for finding a way to get a hold of me and I am so glad that you and your family enjoyed the cruise so much last week. I am not sure if you read the sad news of the last gentleman we disembarked. He, unfortunately, passed away. I know we should keep master copies of ever week’s events and shows but we don’t so I am sorry to say you will have to rely on your memories of the fun we shared together. I hope we will see you and your family again soon. All the best.

MICKEYSPEL……………….Thanks Myra, I really am trying. Hopefully things will work out and I will be better soon. I see you found a way to put your photo on the thingy. It’s great to meet you. Cheers.

OLD YEOMAN…………….It must be fun for you to go back all those years and relive the times on the ships. If you would like to send some photos I will have Stephanie contact you and she will direct them to me. The first photo I would like to see is one of you. Thanks for all your kind words and the fun posting. Hope to hear from you soon.

CRUISING EAGLE……………Hopefully by now you saw the information I slapped on about the Carnival Elation shore excursions. Please let me know if you have any further questions. Cheers!

CRAIG……………..Murphy should be in the brig because he and his laws are getting on my bloody nerves. Thanks for the kind thoughts which I really appreciate. All the best.

JIMMIE KENNEDY………………Great idea Jimmie. I think that would work. As I said just now, my idea of a Queen Mary 2 cruise was said on a whim but now I may have to see if it can become reality. Good luck for 2010 and my best to you and the family.

BIG MIKE……………….I am afraid the story is not over with our friend as you will see shortly. There has never been a better time to have my Chief of Security by my side. I am sending a helicopter for you now.

DEANNA…………..What a fantastic job your husband has, designing computer games. I am definitely going to have to see what this is all about. I see that you mentioned Guitar Hero which is very popular and would be fantastic if we did this on our Seaside Theatre big screen. I wonder if we could do this. I will keep you informed about the Queen Mary 2 Bloggers Cruise, should this ever happen. I am glad you like the photo of the Viennese Café. It’s certainly one of Heidi’s favorite places on the ship. My best to you and your husband.

CAROL SCHOENBERGER…………….You are probably right, medications are indeed getting to me. I see the hot dog wars have started with New Jersey falling behind in the recommendations. Robert Schneider, where are you??
Thanks Carol, it’s always great to seeing your name on a post. Cheers.

CAPTAIN BILL……We have an incredible video game called the STAR Center. It’s in Ft. Lauderdale and is used for all cruise ship captains to train in docking ships in various ports of call around the world. It’s quite an extraordinary kind of place and just like a flight simulator you are actually on the bridge of a Carnival ship with all the controls the same. Maybe I could do an interview with someone from there. Thanks for the great idea Captain. All the best.

SHIRLEY CALES………………Hurry up and get you and your opinions here. Please leave me a note at the Pursers Information Desk so I can call you and say hello. See you soon.

TRACY……………….Thank you so much for the kind words for everyone you mentioned. Heidi and I send our best to you.

CRUISING SUE…………..Heidi and I are also looking forward to seeing you in the summer. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

LISA DAWN…………….I am so glad that you are enjoying the blog and in the same voice I send my sympathies to your friend at the loss of her husband. I am sure your cruise on the Carnival Freedom will provide her with some rejuvenating laughter and if there is anything I can do for you in the meantime, please let me know. My best to you both.

MARK TWAIN AND A HALF………………Three bottles of Windex, not a bad score, I want to hit 5 by the end of the month. Cheers mate.

SUSAN…….I am so happy that you have found the blog and that it is providing you with some daily laughter. I know that you and your family will have a fantastic time with your Cruise Director Steve Knisley. Let me know if you have any questions and I hope today’s blog will provide you with some more laughter.

CHERYL D………………..What a great posting and it was interesting to read more about the hot dogs of the world, your recommendation sounds absolutely fantastic. I am not sure about the group space for the Bloggers Cruise, however, I may suggest that you hook up with Cruise Critic, Cruise Mates or Big Ed as they have probably bought group space. GREG B, KUKI OR BIG ED……Any advice? When I hear that you have been blind in one eye since birth my admiration for you is so huge having had this thing over my eye for the last three days. It will be an honour to meet you next year. Cheers!

SUSAN…………….Hello my West Midlands friends and thank you for the congratulations. We will see you on the 3-day cruise and there will be a formal night on the second evening. We will have loads of tips for what you should do in Amsterdam and I would suggest you start thinking about tours that will involve the Rijksmuseum, Anne Frank’s House or the beautiful countryside where you see the bulb fields and windmills. I am glad you had a great time on the Emerald Princess, Heidi and I are certainly looking forward to ours. Put the kettle on, watch The Bill and think of me. Tara!

MIKE RICHARDSON…………………Indeed, I remember that cruise very well and I cannot believe it’s been this long since you have sailed with us. Maybe a repeat performance will be called for. Thanks for the kind words and please let me know when you are on board by dropping me a letter at the Pursers Information Desk. Cheers mate.

RIKKI BOYCE…………..Great idea. We have this dancing game in the arcade but unlike the violent ones it is hardly played. I guess that’s the world we live in. Thank you mate for all your thoughts and most of all your kind words.

LINDA HERNACKI………………The CD schedule is still being worked on, however, I can confirm now, that Steve Knisley will be the Cruise Director when you sail. Please make sure you remind me before you sail and I know you and Mike will have a fantastic time. Thank you for you kind thoughts as always. They mean so much.

CLAUDIA…………….Thank you for posting for the first time and of course I remember the cruise just after 9-11 when we rescued those fishermen. These days, people get very nervous about situations like this and I remember one man screaming at the Captain and I because he said they could have been terrorists. We are very careful and follow strict protocols, however, this time all we did was save the lives of people who have been drifting at sea for two days. I am glad you have so many happy memories and when I hear you say that I am your favorite Cruise Director, that really cheers me up. Thank you very much and I hope it’s not too long before we see each other again.

HOST STAR………….The meeting of Cruise Mates and Cruise Critic members should be a lot of fun and for sure we will have a party for all the bloggers on the TA cruise. See you in Portugal and if you or anyone from the group needs anything please let me know.

As I mentioned at the top of this blog you think you have planned for everything and then something you never thought could possibly offend someone does…………..and it leaves you absolutely gobsmacked………………..and yep……………it’s all about my friend from PETA.

Before we arrived in Grand Cayman today I had already had a civilized chat with him about the Stingray Tours we offer……….he seemed fine with this and understood these animals were indeed in their natural environment …………… and when he came back onboard he had nothing but nice things to say about that part of the tour and just when I was getting to add him to my Christmas card list he turned purple and exploded into a finger waving radical animal activist because of ………………. Turtles.

Grand Cayman’s national symbol includes one of this slow-moving, long-necked creatures some of which are looked after in Cayman’s Turtle farm. This is a beautiful place which has completely been rebuilt after hurricane damage and is along with the Stingray experience one of our most popular tours on the island.

My friend from PETA was however not discussing with me the charms of seeing the baby turtles and as many kids do there enjoying a hands-on experience with them. He was most concerned with the fact that he felt they were kept in captivity and what really made him so angry was the fact that you could also order…………………”a turtle burger” at the restaurant there……………….and that was my fault.

I explained to him that the turtle farm receives thousands of happy visitors every month and that I had never heard of anyone being upset about this before. I also suggested that he take up his complaint with the place itself rather than waggle his finger in my good eye. I mean, I don’t run the place, I don’t ask the Turtles if they would prefer a bigger puddle or whatever the heck they live in, and I certainly did not decide that for lunch today we were going to boil Tommy the Turtle alive and stick him in a sesame bun …………………. thinking about it I can think of a turtle who was on last week who I would loved to have boi………never mind.

This time, he left our conversation without a handshake and I knew that our relationship was over……………we had about as much chance of getting back together as Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Money Grabber ……. Sorry ……….Mills (allegedly.)

So, following this wonderful conversation I returned here to the cabin and was going to do more Capers and more blogging but instead decided a bit of T.V. may give me some rest and relaxation as ordered by the Doc, Heidi, Mum and Dad and thousands of you, my blogging friends.

So, I tried Boston Legal again and put in season 1, episode one on the DVD. The problem here is that unlike those simple two in one things we always had, you know the TV/DVD combos that even Paris Hilton could operate we now have a 42 inch plasma with amplifier, tuner, DVD and surround thingy sound stuff and I am told somewhere under the sofa is a something called a barker ………… sorry…………that’s woofer.

Now, Heidi knows how to turn all this crap on but can I ……… nope ………… forget Paris, I need Mr. Circuit City for this project. So, after swearing and cursing and finally calling Heidi down from Lido I settled down to watch my program.

It was after a few moments that I realized how much I miss my VCR and the video tape system. With a video you can fast forward through the part where you are told watching a pirate copy is illegal, you can fast forward through the bit that tells you that whatever anyone says on the film has nothing to do with anyone who made this film so don’t sue me…………….

I know how they feel on that one as I have my own disclaimer. Honestly though by the time you get to the thing you actually want to watch you are actually worried that any minute now an FBI SWAT team is going to come bursting in your door guns blazing just in case you are watching a pirate copy of Pirates of the Caribbean, in the Caribbean and the man watching it is wearing a bloody patch over his eye.

I never got to see any of Boston Legal because by the time I the warnings and adverts were over I couldn’t be asked…………so I went as the doctor had told me to do……….lay down and rest. As I closed my good eye I hoped I would dream of Jessica, Uma, Angelina or Catherine…………knowing my luck I would probably dream of being attacked by Mutant Ninja Turtles all wearing PETA T Shirts.

Goodnight

Your friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.