The Polizei

April 16, 2008 -

John Heald

I have been arrested only once before but it came very close to being a second time today…..more about that later.

First though a very Guten Morgen to you all from Germany where we spend a few more hours before flying to Amsterdam. Last night we had a wonderful dinner at a place called La Villa in Warnemunde. Heidi had Risotto and I decided to go for something different. Usually when in a foreign land on these trips the Tour Operators choose the menu for you feeling that you need to try the local cuisine. Therefore as I have been telling you I have dined on Herring, Bear, Elk, Reindeer and Eel. However last night I was allowed to choose from the menu myself and much to my astonishment I found myself ordering……..Wild Boar. I say that I astonished myself because there was a time when I looked at a restaurant menu and it didn’t have “and fries” listed I would leave.

However, here I am a few years later ordering Wild Boar and it was fantastic. It was cooked in a red wine and caramelized onion sauce and served as is every dish in Germany with potatoes. It was historic and my colleague who also had the Wild Boar also said it was superb. The Chef is onto a winner with this dish and I am sure everyone will be happy……except of course Willy the Wild Boar who was happily mincing around the forest when Heinz the Hunter shot him……still, Willy should know as he frolics in the forests of heaven that he died so I could eat him………a small price to pay.

Willy was though not the best thing to eat before going to bed and Willy’s revenge was to give me some major indigestion through the night which added to the problem of my other end being cemented closed by a glue made from German Sausage it was not a good night. However, a few cups of strong German coffee seem to have caused some movement which I know you were all desperate to know.

It’s now 11:35 am and we have just finished our visit of Schweirm Fairy Tale castle. I will slap on a few photos of this storybook place as the photos will describe its beauty much better than I can.

It was though during our visit that for the second time in my life I was detained by the Police. The first time was when I was 17 and it was all my mate Alan’s fault.

Alan had fallen in love, which for most people would take days. Alan had fallen in love because a girl had spoken to him. As you know Alan and I were as popular as a rock-climbing wall in rough seas with women but on this occasion a girl called Sara had spoken to him at a nightclub.

The fact that this monumental event had happened meant my best mate fell in love with her quicker than a snail driving a Ferrari. Now, most men having had a girl speak to them and show an interest in pursuing the conversation would have stayed and spoken to them ……..not Alan……his plan was to wait outside the club and offer her a ride home. So there we sat at midnight in the parking lot in my little Triumph Spitfire listening to The Pet Shop Boys, The Communards and Bronski Beat which was Alan’s favorite sounds.

Eventually Sara came out of the club and I was expecting Alan to leap out of the car and invite her to somehow find a way to sit on the back seat which was so small a Leprechaun would have fond it difficult to get comfortable.

However Alan did not move because he said he had a stomach cramp which meant he was too shy to speak to her. We watched Sara get in her car with her sister and like a taxi driver in a Bond movie I was told to follow that car.

We did……all the way to Wakering a small village where they lived. We watched them go into their house and that was that…….he had been too shy to say anything……and that was me and Alan back to the Cliff Pub, a Kebab and home alone.

The next day Alan asked me if we could meet as he had plucked up the courage and now was ready to talk to our Sara. So, there we were sitting outside of their house on a cold Sunday afternoon waiting hopefully for Alan’s dream girl to come out……eventually she did but by the time Alan had stopped dithering about like the big girls blouse that he is she was in her white Mini Cooper and that was me…….following that car once again.

We followed her for an hour until she arrived at another residential address where we sat outside once again cold, bored and listening to more Communards and Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

We had been sitting there waiting for Sara to come out of the house so we could waste more petrol following her home again when a police car pulled up in front of us. Now, at this point neither of us thought anything about it as we were both law-abiding citizens and hardly on Essex Police’s wanted list……..all that was about to change.

The two police officers walked toward the car and being British Police they politely knocked on the car window.

Remember this is pre the world of terrorism and today’s British Police Force has to be much more authoritarian than the old days. Back in the time I am writing about none of the UK’s police had guns and the only way to apprehend a criminal was to shout loudly “Ahoy…..stop” and if you got close enough maybe the Officer would pinch the bad guys nipple and say “please don’t do that again.”

Anyway, I digress. The Officers asked Alan and I to step out of the car and present some identification. At this point we still had no idea what was happening. I knew my front tire was balder than Yul Brenner’s head and that I still had a Library book which was three years overdue but this was a bit much.

However and as I am sure the detectives amongst you have figured out we were wanted for questioning for………..stalking. The Officers explained that someone had reported us for suspicious behavior and they wanted to know why we were here.

Now, being a true friend of Alan’s my reply was “because he’s in love and too scared to talk to her and he makes me drive around looking for her and I am sorry and his name is Alan and he can’t get a girlfriend.”

The Officers seemed to be understanding but gave us a very severe warning telling us that the Police were looking for a man who was wanted for some serious offenses that had taken place at an area called Leigh Tip and that ladies had been told to be on their guard.

So, with a severe warning that we would both be arrested if seen following the girl of Alan’ s dreams again………we drove home the sound of a major bollocking ringing in Alan’s ears……..thanks to him we were now on the National Order Noted Criminal Entry…….we were the UK’s first ever Stalkers.

Well, this morning I was once again detained and questioned by the Police or the Polizei in this case.

So we arrived at the castle and while the others went off to tour the inside, Theo the Cameraman and I went off to film and narrate some facts about where we were. We stood on the main entrance filming and after just a few minutes a large German hand covered the camera lens and we were both escorted away from the entrance. The Officers then began to throw their toys out of their stroller getting all worked up about something. The problem was Officer Jurgen and Officer Karl spoke no English and unless they could serve me a sausage with curry sauce, tell me where the toilet was or needed to know I could say the word Bra in their language (stoppen von floppen) my German was of no use either.

It was obvious that they wanted some paper work giving us the right to film but if we did it was with Ian our guide and they were elsewhere in the castle.

I tried in very slow loud Engligerman to which is a cross between German and English that I was with Carnival Cruise Lines ……….I got nothing……..nothing. It was obvious that here being a Cruise Director carried as much weight as a Supermodel. I got nothing but a cold hard stare……..it looked like I may be visiting the local jail when I had a brainwave……..I looked the officers square in the eye and very slowly and with the same authority as President Kennedy used at the Brandenbergate —I said “Ich Bin Mit Aida Cruise Lines……and using the only word I knew for boss in German I said….”Ich bin ein Direktor von Aida Kreuz Firma”……well that was the magic word and just as if I had said I am Harrison Ford and we are filming Indiana Jones and the Legend of the Eleven Bratwursts……the smiles came and the hand signals showed with a big thumbs up that we could continue filming.

So, a message for Aida President Micahel Thamm…..if the German police contact you please remember I work for you.

By the way, Heidi caught the conversation with my new friends from the Polizei on her camera and as soon as I get off this dam bus I will send them.

So, Germany is a fantastic place and considering all the country has been through it is remarkable where they are now. I was so impressed with Berlin and this city is the must see place during the Carnival Splendor’s calls. The tour guides and operators are the best and of course I will never ever forget my visit to Sachsenhausen and I hope I never will.

I won’t miss the sausages because I still have some…..ummm….with me. I will miss the people and the places that have made it a memorable 3 days.

So it’s a 2-hour bus ride to Hamburg and then a flight to Amsterdam arriving at 8 pm.

I hope it will be an uneventful flight……….however …….Heidi just showed me our E tickets…….the plane is something called a Fokker 70…………oh bugger.

More from the raspberry later and photos before bedtime.

Auf Wiedersehen
Your Friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.