Flying Home

April 19, 2008 -

John Heald

British Airways ……..our national carrier……an airline that should fill the country with pride and with honour. British Airways an Icon of pure Britishness up there with Rolls Royce, Bentley, Cups of Tea, Cucumber Sandwiches, Big Ben, Cricket, Simon Cowell and Monty Python………….only someone forgot to tell the airline that has the Union Jack on its tail……..certainly on this flight….which we have just been told is delayed for two hours… explanation was given……just that. So, as is now normal for me here I sit once again, in the departures lounge at Amsterdam airport with nothing to do except count the number of hairs growing out of the man’s ear next to me.

I expect delays especially since Murphy decide to attach himself to me permanently. The thing that drives me mad is the lack of information and apology. All we have is a digital sign saying “delayed until 1:35pm.” This frustration is my motivation to always provide as much information as many times as possible to keep everyone informed. Maybe if BA did the same it would stop people like the chap across from me who upon reading about the delay took his frustration out on his carry on bag by using it as a kick bag……don’t
blame him because right now BA stands for “bugger all.”

It was as always hard to say goodbye to Heidi this morning. We probably spend more time together more than most couples as we work together every day and this is probably the reason saying goodbye is always so hard. Anyway, we will be together again in 12 days and it’s important for us to spend time with our families as well.

I wanted to say thank you for all your kind comments regarding my blog thingy about the incident on the Carnival Conquest. I won’t carry on about this anymore as my point has been made but I wanted to say a thank you to all of you for your open and frank comments. In closing then I wanted to add mention that in discussion with PA 007 yesterday the super spy pointed out that if Mr. Selfish had done what he did and said what he said to an airline crew he would not just have been thrown off the plane but would now be sharing a cell with a man called Butch Billy.

Well, I am going to put the Raspberry down and rest my eyes for a bit…………oh……by the way…………14………….that’s the number of hairs in Mr. Baboon’s ear…….back soon.

Here I am back on the raspberry again having just boarded a very full “Bugger All” flight to London. Now I must give praise to the cabin staff though who dealt firmly with a man who ignored the announcement to turn off your mobile phones and was rabbiting away to someone on his phone. Chloe, the cabin attendant dealt with him firmly and professionally by hovering over him like an eagle over its prey until he hung up and put the phone away.

So, here I sit with my Raspberry in flight mode whatever that means and sitting next to me is a man who obviously is not very comfortable with flying as he crossed himself three times before we took over and gripped the arms of the seat so tightly I could see the whites of his knuckles………..I thought about asking him if he was OK but he is now asleep or just sitting with his eyes tightly shut.

Anyway, apart from this the flight is going well and we land in 25 minutes. Of course, my biggest fear is that we are landing at Heathrow’s new Terminal 5 the biggest second hand clothing shop in the world. The terminal still is not working properly and therefore they have 20,000 plus displaced bags and knowing my mate Murphy it’s about to become 21,001.

I wonder how such mistakes happen and how a new Terminal such as this that was dedicated by the Queen could become such a piece of poo. Well, one of the people we must blame is Donald Trump. Well, not him personally but his program “The Apprentice.” It seems to me that all you need these days is an Armani suit and teeth that have been dipped in a bucket of white paint and then sit in front of Don and speak marketing speak for 30 minutes. Honestly, I listen to these people and they may as well be speaking Klingon.

I was in a meeting at CCL HQ a few weeks ago when we were met about the USA TV program thingy and the 2009 bloggers cruise and the only words I understood were coffee and doughnuts …….that’s the case in the Apprentice which has spawned the idea that if you are a beautiful or handsome person and can talk marketing talk for 30 minutes you will get the contract.

Why are there never ugly people like me on the Apprentice…….why when I looked at the team responsible for Heathrow’s T5 did it look like a center spread from Vogue magazine. Come on Heathrow…….come on Mr. Trump……….hire some ugly people ……….. and watch your business prosper.

OK, don’t want to upset Chloe so time to turn off the raspberry. I will write when I am home with or without my suitcase


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.