A New Kind of English…..And Chef Todd

May 31, 2008 -

John Heald

So there I was happily munching away on a piece of mozzarella, life was good, the soft cheese blended well with the gorgeous little cherry tomatoes and I had a great view of a gorgeous supermodel type who had more plastic than 15 boxes of Tic Tacs and had forgotten to put her skirt on.

Her husband was no help as he was obviously short sighted as he had a watch the size of Big Ben on his wrist ……anyway, I was having a great time when suddenly someone called me fat!

I looked to my left at Jen my mates beautiful girlfriend……I had only met her once before but there I was being told “John, you’re fat”………I was shocked and had to stop myself from inserting a cherry tomato up her nose………however I am glad I didn’t because Jen obviously saw the look of horror on my face and immediately apologized and explained as follows.

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Goodnight from Capri

May 30, 2008 -

John Heald

Capri……..if you have never been you have missed a magical place where the worries of the world are ignored and forgotten. The moment you step onto the island you are embraced by its charm and grace……..no wonder poets, artists and movie makers all desire to eternalize Capri on canvass, in word or on film.

I am heading for dinner in a moment but I wanted to share with you all how Capri has charmed me and I have only been here a few hours.

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The Italian News Blog

May 30, 2008 -

John Heald

Did you see the news this morning……………I did…………..and once again the world has gone mad.

Good morning from Naples where the sun is shinning and I have just finished my breakfast of cereal and a cracker with cheese…………..who needs eggs, bacon, sausages and loads of toast oozing with butter when you can have shredded wheat and a slice of Italian cheese on a cracker.

It was while I was munching away on my breakfast and watching SKY news in the hotel room that I came across a story that beggers belief.

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The Sting

May 29, 2008 -

John Heald

If there is one thing that will get you out of a grumpy mood it is of course sunshine, good food and great company……………oh and being stranded on an desert island with Uma Thurman, winning the lottery and seeing the Miami Heat win the NBA championship next year and owning an Aston Martin and having another way to see your thingy apart from shiny shoes are also pretty good………….but after the joys of Easy Jet, the price of fuel and being assaulted by a Hong Kong toilet ……………a day in Naples sure does lift the spirits.

The plane landed and we breezed through Immigration and went to collect our luggage. This is always a worry especially in Italy however the good news is all our luggage is safely by our side.

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Raspberry Blog- Part 2

May 29, 2008 -

John Heald

So here we are flying at 35,00 feet. Our Easy Jet Captain just told us that he was expecting bad weather over Germany but I don’t believe him. I generally find that weather forecasts are written by J.K. Rowling and if you want to know what the weather is, look out the window.

However, Captain Easy was correct and indeed there is lots of turbulence as we fly over the Belgium/German border. The plane is bouncing around like a kangaroo with giant springs on his feet. There is a special look of concern on the group of 30+ schoolchildren. They are dressed very smart in purple and black uniforms and are obviously on a school trip……………to Naples.

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Raspberry Blog Part 1

May 29, 2008 -

John Heald

Sometimes I feel I have become a grumpy old man especially since I have this wonderful forum to share my misgivings on.

This is the first of a few raspberry-flavored blogs for today as we begin our journey to Italy. Well, its 7:30 am and I am feeling as grumpy as the snakes that the late great Steve Irwin used to grab while they were enjoying a bit of sun before eating a baby Meercat.

The reason for my grumpiness is, for regular readers not going to be a shocker ………airports and airlines.

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Pressing the Wong Switch

May 28, 2008 -

John Heald

With my diet in mind and knowing that exercise will play an unfortunate major part in what is about to happen I realised that I needed to go shopping. This is because unless I was going to be wearing a blue blazer and grey woolen trousers on the treadmill I had nothing to wear.

As I am not an athlete, a drug dealer or listen to Pee Daddy or Snoop the Dog I don’t own a tracksuit, jogging bottoms or anything slightly sporting. Therefore, I went to a sports shop, it had the word Mega on the sign so I guessed they would have what I wanted.

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Eurodam….And Dam Cellular Phones

May 27, 2008 -

John Heald

Some years ago people with egg-shaped heads realised that they should buy a product that had the rest of us laughing when we heard what they had spent their money on ………. they had paid billions of dollars…………..for air…………………….good old fresh air.

Now, Mr Cingular, Mrs. Vodaphone and Miss T-Mobile are selling it back to us in the shape of third generation (3G) mobile phones that allow you to check prices on the New York stock exchange, e-mail naked girls in Amsterdam (allegedly), watch the BBC news and remind you that next Wednesday is your wife’s birthday. In essence, if you buy one of these phones, you are getting a Filofax, a television, a cinema, a portal to the Internet, a computer, a video camera, a camera, a calculator, a Walkman music player thingy, and a photograph album . ………………Great, but is it necessary?

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Herald the Blog

May 26, 2008 -

John Heald

So here I am blogging on my raspberry from the city of Manchester. Heidi and I drove up here this morning in torrential rain to see some friends. Heidi has forbidden me from sending a full blog thingy today as it’s a bank holiday here and she says I have to have a day off from blogging………so………..here I am in the Hotel Lowery in our room, sitting on the toilet. I told Heidi her chicken stir fry was playing havoc with my insides and I may be longer than usual……..and sneaking my raspberry in with me here I am ……..writing to you all making sure I grunt and groan as usual so she does not get suspicious.

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My Last Ever Blog Will Be On June 8th

May 25, 2008 -

John Heald

It is common in the UK that on a Sunday all the ” Different people ” take advantage of the free speech laws and stand in the parks and in shopping areas and tell us the colour of the sky in their world.

This morning Heidi and I were taking a walk through our village where we came across a chap who told Heidi and I and the other members of the public that the world would end ……….on the 8th of June. Now, normally I would have ignored this chap but seeing as the alternative was 30 minutes of hell in a big girly shop that sells candles, cards and loads of that Po Pot smelly stuff I decided to stand and listen to my new mate tell us that in a few days it would all be over……………………….and he would not have been the first.
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.