A Man's Blog Thingy

May 10, 2008 -

John Heald

I take great pride in the fact that I do not cry when I watch a movie……..the only exception to this came when I saw the latest James Bond movie and the blowing up of the new Aston Martin DBS………….I cried like Halle Berry at the Oscars at that bit.

Last night my manhood was put to the ultimate test when I agreed to watch back to back movies designed to separate the men from the Richard Simmons………………..who by the way I met many times and is an absolute genius.

Now, I should explain that the reason I agreed to watch these DVD’s was that tomorrow (Sunday) is the final day of the Premiership football season…………….its a bit like March Madness without the gorgeous college girl cheerleaders dressed in tight spandex. …………..sorry……I got carried away there for a moment…………….anyway, tomorrow afternoon I intend to dominate the TV and indulge myself in football, newspapers and mugs of tea.

My punishment for this was a movie night………………..this involves the lighting of dozens of candles despite the fact that we live in a barn………….a big tub of ice cream and fresh fruit for Heidi which I have to serve her ……………..and ………………..finally……………..any real man’s worst nightmare……………….a cuddle on the sofa. …………….yep…………….we have to watch these movies together on the sofa……………it’s the law.

The first part of this evening of pure hell starts with a trip to Blockbuster to rent the movies and she gets to choose.

This involves her completely ignoring anything slightly resembling a gun, car or explosion on the cover instead looking for movies with the words love, heartache or passion in the title.

Look at the film stars who melt the hearts of Heidi kind these days: Johnny Dripp, Judy Law, George Loony and Joquaim Feenex . ………….all me with girly hair, pouty expressions and men who are with out doubt comfortable wearing make up.

These are not real movie stars. Maybe they’d manage an argument in a Starbucks with a girl called Kristen but in a jungle they’d be eaten within 10 minutes…………..we need more Segals, Van Dammes, Stallones and Schwarzenegger……….they may not have the chiseled chin of the Brads and Georges of this world but they are hunter gatherers …………….they are real men.

So, I decree that next Saturday is now officially Real Man Day………….this will involve us men walking around the house naked, eating great big lumps of freshly killed meat with our hands, not panicking when we spill something on the carpet but instead spilling some more, cut something up with a chainsaw (probably something that says Made In France,) drive a Mustang at 100 miles an hour through the streets of San Francisco and throw darts at photos of Ryan Seacrest.

You see these men…………Ryan, Brad, George etc are what I have been told by various women and some …………..ummmmm……………men………….warrant the title Metrosexual. This I am told is a man who has no fear of being in touch with his feminine side. Can you imagine someone calling Steve McQueen or Paul Newman “Metrosexual” and coming away from that conversation with all your limbs intact.

However, it appears that these days being Metrosexual is what is going to have the women falling at your feet and according to Heidi wearing a pair of sweat pants and my old Miami Heat shirt is far from Metrosexual and more Buysexual…………meaning the only way I will get women to want me is if I ” buy ” it.

However, Man Day seemed a long way off last night as I was forced to endure Four Weddings and A Funeral and the hell that is The Holiday………………..it was while I was watching Cameron, Judy and some Brit actress that I realized……………there just isn’t enough vomit in the world.

On a happier topic I see that many of you took the time to write in with your comments about anytime dining. I know there are many more that Stephanie is preparing to slap on so I will wait until Monday until I read them all and discuss the findings with the Miami office and of course with you all………………many thanks to all of you who felt the need to respond.

I am off to Alan’s for a barbecue and I will post a video if he lets me so you can now see just how ugly my best mate is.

In 1997 I met Mr. and Mrs. Koutselas on the Carnival Destiny. When I say met, I mean that we shook hands on Promenade and maybe said hello to each other at the gangway ……..anyway, it was a quick and brief meeting. A few weeks later I received a box in the mail with a beautiful plaque inside.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but whenever this special day comes around I always think of them. It was the day before Mother’s Day 1995 and their daughter Simone had gone to a mall in Detroit to buy her Mum a gift. Unfortunately Mum would never receive these gifts as her beloved 15 year old was shot and killed caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time while innocently standing at a bus stop.

When I read this letter and the plaque that came with it I did cry…………….and while hopeless romantic movies may not then reading this letter and that the families sadness had been lifted just for a short was one of the most humbling yet rewarding experiences I have ever felt. For the next 9 years I kept in touch with the family calling them every Mother’s Day. Unfortunately Mrs. Koutselas (Louise) passed away in 2006 and I lost touch with her husband. However, as tomorrow is Mother’s Day I think of them and say a prayer for Mum and daughter who are together again.

Mum’s ………..where would we be without them…………….if your Mum is still with you…….call her……….buy a her a big cuddly stuffed toy with the words “I love you Mum” on a big card…………….if Mum is no longer with you then still buy her that big cuddly toy and put it by her resting place or leave it somewhere that was a special place for her and Heidi and I wish all Mum’s………..Happy Mother’s Day……………………..and thanks for making us better people.

Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi

ps – sorry for the short blog today but I promise more tomorrow.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.