Tat Who?

May 14, 2008 -

John Heald

It appears that I am in the doghouse yet again with Heidi sending me there because of my constant negativity towards people with tattoos……………and because Heidi wants one.

The subject came up last night and one minute I was happily munching away on some sugar free Jell-O when Heidi (who had been reading yesterday’s blog) told me I was unfair to people with tattoos. So much so in fact that she wants to get one herself on her ankle of something called Tweety Bird….. wearing a sailors cap…what a load of bollocks.

There was a time when a tattoo would demonstrate that you had been in prison or the armed forces or where a member of some beardy bike gang who ate dead dogs for lunch, but now pretty well everyone I ever see has one.

Has Oprah Winfrey got a tattoo of a giant snake eating Hilary Clinton on her backside? I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

I have never actually thought of having one myself as I hate needles and until I met Heidi I never had a girlfriend long enough to warrant having her name stabbed onto my arm.

The other thing I do not understand is people having tattoos on their backs……….what is the point of suffering through all that pain never to be able to see what it looks like unless you can perform a contortionist act in front of the mirror?

I wonder how tattoos started. I am sure it must have something to do with war paint and people who used small leaves as underpants. Tattooing has been around since the dawn of time, but if we examine the work of all the great artists we find they would apply their skill to walls and ceilings and canvas. I am sure Da Vinci never once thought about painting the Mona Lisa on his girlfriend’s bottom.

I see so many of the entertainment staff, especially the dancers now have tattoos and some of the technicians have so many they look like a heavy metal album cover.

One of the other reasons you have more chance of seeing me at the height of summer sipping coffee at Cafe Le Pong in Paris than a tattoo studio is the artist who is there ready to doodle all over you. Artists are usually dressed in baggy comfortable clothing wandering the banks of a river looking for inspiration. Tattoo artists are usually dressed in black leather and judging by the number of crosses round their neck they expect to be attacked by vampires at any moment. Artists practice on canvas and bits of paper while tattoo artists practice by painting the side of an old Ford truck.

The biggest problem though is while they look cool and exotic when you are young it is a different story when you get older. I have a friend who has a Ferrari……………he is a die hard Ferrari fan……………….so much so that he has had the Prancing Horse Ferrari symbol tattooed at the bottom of his back. He is only 34 and when he dresses in his tight Armani jeans the girls will all go “oohh and ahhhh” when they see Danny’s Ferrari tattoo ……… when though he is older the girls will surely be asking why Danny has a dead donkey crawling towards his buttocks.

So, we are at an impasse…..I am in the doghouse and Heidi wants a tattoo….let the fun begin.

You all never cease to amaze me…………………I read the comments following on from the blog I wrote about my serious intentions to lose weight from June 1 when I start a very strict diet. Your support and offers to join in and also try to drop a few pounds is amazing and I think that this may start something special. I intend to post a separate daily blog with what I have eaten and there will be a new header every week with hopefully …………. how much weight I have lost.

Thank you again to all of you for your help……………..I need to drop some pounds and I know you will all be there to support me……………….cheers.

Today, I had lunch with an old friend……………….shrimp salad by the way …………… starting slowly!

Anyway, before I tell you about some of the things we discussed let me tell you how we met.

It was 1994 and I was the Cruise Director of the Carnival Sensation and the ship was hosting a group of 1,000 plus who were all sailing together. The group was called “Crime Stoppers ” and was made up of Police Officers and people from all over the world committed to fighting crime.

There were many guest speakers from places like New York, Canada and Australia and it was very interesting to stand at the back of the room and listen to what they all had to say.

It was while I was at one of their sessions that a gentleman was introduced as a guest speaker. His name was David Bright and to give him his full title He was Detective Superintendent David Bright from my home county and who it turned out lived just 10 minutes from me back home in Essex.

Well, I became great friends with this charismatic man and have remained so all this time. David is never one to blow his trumpet so I will do so for him. Before recently retiring David was one of the UK’s most senior detectives and responsible for bringing to justice some of the UK’s most disgusting criminals. He was awarded the O.B.E. (Order of the British Empire) for his work and for his great charity endeavors, as well.

David has just written a best seller here in the UK …………it is called Catching Monsters and tells of some of the people who thanks to David are now rotting away in jail.

David now runs a successful Private Investigation company and also acts as an advisor with major TV Dramas that portray the Police.

Interestingly he also lectures aboard cruise ships where he takes passengers behind the scenes of a police investigation. Unfortunately he does this for a ………. ummmm …..competitor line but once, on the Carnival Triumph when he and his wife were sailing with me he told his gripping stories to a packed aft lounge of 400 people…………not one left……………and they all demanded a repeat performance……………I will work on getting him to lecture on Carnival Corporation ships…………nobody tells a story like David.

Anyway……………that’s a long introduction to what I wanted to share with you all. Today, we met at a little pub called The Pipe of Port and as we chatted David spoke about his next book that he is currently writing. One of the chapters will be about an armed gang who David and his team caught after a serious security van robbery in which unfortunately people were shot.

After their arrest and their homes were searched they discovered plans for their next heist…………the eight men……………..were planning ……….in 1979……………..to steal hundreds of thousands of pounds ……………..from the Queen Elizabeth 2. They discovered detailed plans on how they were going to use fast speedboats to come alongside while the ship was anchored in port and steal all the money from the foreign exchange, casino and the passengers themselves.

It was great listening to David’s accounts and if you are ever on a ship where he is due to lecture make sure go…………he is unmissable.

I just finished an interview with the Cruise Writer for the Miami Herald and she asked some superb questions. Many were about you…………..the bloggers……………and why this format is somewhat successful. I hope you will enjoy my answers and as soon as it goes to print I am sure I will be able to post a copy here on the blog thingy.

Finally……………….today was a double doghouse today. I went to the shop this morning as I always do to buy the newspaper and was instructed to buy Heidi a magazine which by the time I got to the shop I had totally forgotten which one to buy.

Woman and Home. Home and Garden. Garden and Hair. Hair and Beauty. Beauty and Slimming. Gossip and Health. Healthy Women. Healthy Home. Healthy Hair, Healthy Bugger All…………… I couldn’t remember and not having my phone with me I was not able to contact the Mrs so I took a chance………………..and of course it was the wrong one.

How the heck was I supposed to remember and choose from an endless amount of magazines that all look and sound the same?

It’s easy for a man. I know we should pick a book on poetry or a self-help magazine like All Men Are Wrong All the Time Weekly because this will make us appear sensitive and caring

And yet, what we buy is Esquire and FHM magazine and look at photos of naked Australian surfers being attacked by killer white sharks. We pretend we buy GQ magazine for the serious articles by Henry Kissinger and George Stephanopoulos when really we skip these and head straight for the center spread of Keira Knightley wearing only a smile.

Anyway, regardless Heidi does not have the magazine she wanted and because of this she is says she is getting a tattoo. I tolder if she did so was I …………I am getting the word BLOG tattooed on my bottom…………..shouldn’t be too expensive…………..I wonder how much they charge for a B, an L and a G.


Your friends

John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.