I have to start today’s blog by publicly apologizing to gentlemen by the name of Edgar Melling who wrote this comment yesterday.

Mr.Heald

I have not been reading your blog for long and after today’s comments I doubt I will again. Your humor is at times worthy of a laugh but your comments about Royal Caribbean and calling their superior ships the ” Botox of the Seas ” and “Boring of the Seas ” are disdainful and unprofessional and you should apologize in writing to me and to Royal Caribbean. I will be sailing on the Independence Of The Seas ” in August with my partner and I intend to show your crude attempt
at humor to the Captain.

I await for your immediate apology to be posted on your daily blog.

Edgar Melling

West Palm Beach, Florida

I am not sure what comment you are referring to Mr. Melling however I do apologize if something I wrote offended you…………….I am truly sorry.

OK, lets move on……………….today I went to…………………..hold on……………..you know what…………I’m not sorry………….I really am not………….and I can’t pretend to be when my apology is as pointless as going into a Everything’s A Dollar Store with 50cents in your pocket.

Let me explain.

Ever since Clint Eastwood ordered those gunmen to apologize to his donkey in A Fistful of Dollars, there’s been a sense that saying sorry to make everything all right has been a bit of a joke. If the baddies had apologized, the film would have ended immediately. But they didn’t, so there was a lot of shooting and, in Clint’s case at least, plenty of squinting and chewing and spitting.

But then along came certain Prime Ministers and Presidents who say sorry when they mess up and hope we will all say ” oh, that’s all right then……carry on.”

No, really. In Pakistan yesterday a man responsible for trying to sell nuclear secrets to Libya and North Korea has escaped prosecution by begging on television for the nation’s forgiveness…………… Oh well, that’s all right.

Then we have the new way of saying sorry which is were people state ” they miss spoke “………miss spoke……………mmmmmmmm……………Hilary Clinton may have got away with misspeaking by saying that the moment she got off Air Force One she was greeted by a volley of sniper fire and had to dive under her limo to avoid certain death when in fact when she got of Air Force One she was
greeted by a children’s chorus of ice tea…………………but she misspoke…………..and she apologized…………that’s all right then.

Being forced to apologize especially in public is the worst kind of apology especially when you don’t mean it. Do you think Justin Trousersnake was really sorry for exposing Janet Jackson’s raspberry ripple (that’s rhyming slarhyming) on national TV……………his mouth said he was but his eyes were saying “I hope all 40 million of you enjoyed the show………..tune in next week because
Pamela Andersen and I will be performing together.”

The best ever public apology though was given by John Cleese dangling upside down from that loft apartment window in A Fish Called Wanda apologizing to the psychotic ex-CIA man played by Kevin Kline……………………brilliant.

I say the word “sorry” a lot and have found it is a useful get- out-of-jail-free card when I am having an argument with Heidi and there’s only 10 minutes before my favourite television programme starts:

“Yes, I know I’ve peed on the toilet seat again and used the towel we stole from our Emerald Princess cruise to wipe it up. I am a useless husband and I’m truly sorry.

Now can I watch The Sopranos please?”

There are times when we really truly mess up that a public apology is indeed worthy. I am sure I mentioned this in a blog thingy a few months ago but please allow me to mention it again as it does prove that sometimes public apologies are very much required.

I once had to apologize on stage in front of 1500 people. I had walked out for the Welcome Aboard Show on the Carnival Triumph and within just seconds of being on stage I was heckled from way back in the gallery section with a loud “F^%$ Off “…………..I ignored it and carried on when a minute or so later an even worse word which I couldn’t possibly type here even with a disguise of $%^&
etc……………..anyway…………..I stopped the show and asked for the houselights to come up and told the man who was shouting these words that if he did it one more time that he would be taken out of the showroom by security and not allowed back the entire cruise. I said this quite forcibly as I was not only annoyed that this man had made up his mind that I was a dreadful CD in the first few moments of the first show but his language was so bad that it was sure to upset many people and of course especially those with children.

Anyway, there were no more incidents and the next morning I was met by the heckler’s guardian and was told he had Turrets syndrome……………..which has the unfortunate effect of uncontrolled shouting, swearing and nervous ticks etc.

I felt terrible that I had chastised this guest in front of 1500 people and therefore the following evening I made my public apology………………….it was the least I could do.

That was worthy of the word ” sorry ” and for it to be said publicly…………….but Mr. Melling I have decided that I cannot apologize to you in this format. I have nothing against any other cruise line but life is full of choices and if yours is not to read my blog thingy anymore because I had fun with the names of other ships……………well that is your choice and I accept it
……………..However, I cannot and will not apologize for publicly making fun of other non Carnival Corporation ships although I will try harder not to do so as frequently as I do. I wish you a great cruise on the ” Incontinence Of The Seas ” ………………………oops………………………Sorry.

Goodnight
Your friends John and Heidi

ps- tomorrow, look out for a special interview with the Captain of Holland
America’s beautiful Veendam.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.