Dell Hell

May 21, 2008 -

John Heald

Computers are like women. You never know if you will be successful in turning them on…….and like my history with women I couldn’t turn mine on last night. I was in the middle of typing the last blog when my computer crashed quicker than Vanilla Ice’s career……ice, ice baby.

Like I do with my wife I begged, cried and swore at it to turn on and allow me to continue blogging but like any woman I have met it completely ignored me.

So, yesterday you had no blog thingy and the only reason my blog about fountains and space was posted is because I called someone called “the Computer Doctor” to come and see why my computer had gone on strike.

I found the “computer doctor” in the yellow pages phone book and expted a slightly geeky chap to turn up and fix Mrs. Dell…….so I was indeed surprised when instead of a spotty nerd with five pens in his top pocket I was astonished to open the door and find that Eva Langoria had left Desperate Housewives Street and had become “the computer doctor.”……..

She was stunning…….Now you are no doubt expecting me to make some jokes about hard drives and floppy discs but I won’t stoop that low. Hannah told me she was from Poland and I hoped her magical smile and short skirt would weave the same magic on Mrs. Dell as they had on me.

Well, it hasn’t and after an hour of re booting and a two cups of coffee Hannah told me that my 5 year old Dell was “braken and ees noo good”………she said this in her sexy Polish accent and even if she had told me that she found me as attractive as a slug and that if she was stranded on a small island with just me and a skunk for company that Sid the Skunk would get lucky before me…….it wouldn’t have mattered………I was in love. It was only after she had left and last hint of her perfume had disappeared that I realized ……… bugger………..my computer is broken and I will have to buy a new one……….and then …..double bugger ….I just paid $100 to Eva for bugger all.

So, tomorrow I have to buy a new lap top dancer thingy …..after all…….my Dell is 5 years old……….5 years old…….bloody hell……I have underwear older than that …..much older.
So, this is an apology blog for not posting yesterday and was written on my raspberry thingy. Tomorrow I will buy a new computer and normal service will be resumed ……….It’s time to go collect Heidi from the airport.

One thing’s for certain………I won’t be buying another Dell as its not my kind of woman …….did you know……..and I am not making this up …………that in Dutch……the word Dell….means ….slut………..no more women for me………….I need a man……….I need Mac.

Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.