A Commercial Break

May 22, 2008 -

John Heald

It was Heidi’s turn yesterday evening to take command of the remote control because the following night I would be watching the football and I am sorry to report that it’s been a bad week for the world’s wildlife. I know this because I was forced to endure a night of watching the National Geographic which, as I refuse to take her on Safari is the closet she will get to seeing a Lesser Spotted African Bog Pig.

Firstly we watched a program that told us that Macaque monkeys have joined a list of 300 species in which the females are known to prefer girl-on-girl action to sex with a male……………….this means the females are watching The Ellen Degeneres Show while the males have become Monk Monkeys.

It was also revealed that the formidable leatherback turtle has been put on the endangered list. But because the turtle spends most of its life half a mile below the surface of the sea, scientists have been unable to say whether the scarcity of numbers is due to rampant lesbianism or ruthless South American tuna fishermen. It’s a shame I guess especially as the Turtles have been around for hundreds of years and some that are still living are older than a RCI’s Cruise Director’s jokes.

Heidi seemed really upset about this and when I told her of my plan to avoid these ancient creatures of the ocean becoming an extinct species like the The Amazon Dodo, The Australian Thylacine, The African Quaga and French Soap, my head was immediately reunited with my old mate the remote control.
My plan is simple…………..if you want to stop an animal from becoming extinct then …………eat it…………….roast it, fry it, boil it or eat it raw…………….just eat it.

No, really. If someone could convince the housewives of California that the best way to eliminate wrinkles was a daily serving of Giant Panda meat drizzled in Macaque Monkey sauce, someone, somewhere, would figure out a way to get the lazy sods breeding again……………….and make millions selling the little buggers to Elizabeth Arden or Avon. The housewives would be happy, the shareholders of the cosmetic companies would be happy and there would a Macaque Monkey on every street corner.

However, if the Turtles are found to be of no help in the world of cosmetic surgery than I think I have another plan……………………………..we should use their shells for advertising.

In years gone by advertising was seen only between episodes of your favorite program or in magazines. Today, it is everywhere. Every time I turn on my computer I am bombarded with advertising asking me if I want a loan, a mortgage or a bigger penis……………I replied to only one of those by the way.

So, with the turtles…………well thousands of people sit and watch them as they move slowly around the beach………………..why then not paint a company logo on their Shells………maybe  a company like…………….ummmm…………Shell…………..would be interested and the money they pay to have their logo painted on them could be spent on building a special breeding farm…………….they could call it The Shell Station.

Carnival Cruise Lines spends a lot of dollars on advertising and I think our new commercials are brilliant by the way and it is therefore that I think my blog should have some advertising on it. With anywhere from 30,000 – 70,000 readers a week I think we should have some fun advertising boards……………….I am not talking about the ones inviting you to marry a Russian girl called Olga or one of those magical blue pills ………….

I am talking about a nice small company like Yahoo, McDonalds or Aston Martin……………something we can all associate with……………maybe even a Carnival Corporation friendly Travel Agent……………or a cartoon character of a smiling Leatherback Turtle moving slowly across the screen with “Cruise Carnival” written on its back.

Well, the Carnival Splendor awaits and before her we will be welcoming the Eurodam which will join the Holland America fleet on July 1 when Queen Beatrix or “Betty” as she is known in Holland will name this stunning vessel in a huge gala ceremony. I just popped over to the blog and I urge you to do the same and read all about the day-to-day life of the ship and her crew and a photo of Carnival Corporation Chairman and CEO Micky Arison visiting the vessel….. Here is the link thingy www.eurodamnews.com

I just finished another one-hour call about the naming ceremony and Godmother for the Carnival Splendor. ……………..I am so close to being able to tell you who it will be and the format it will take………………..I will I promise tell you as soon as I can………………but remember……………..you will be able to watch it live…………….right here on this blog thingy.

My punishment for suggesting we should have slices of Giant Panda in our sandwiches was Heidi insisting I had a haircut.

Even though we live 40 miles from Mum and Dad I insisted that if I was indeed going to have to go through this torture that I would go and see Giuseppe the barber who has been cutting my hair since I was eleven years old and I used sneak a look at an old copy of Playboy magazine……………for the articles of course.

The reason for this is because I have tried having it cut at one of these modern unisex salons where someone who looks like Paris Hilton greets you with a skinny mocha cappuccino chi tee latte before finally deciding to cut your hair. The problem here was that they always tried to give me a fashionable haircut which actually meant I left the salon looking as manly as Richard Simmons underwear drawer.

So, off to Giuseppe I went in my parent’s hometown of Thorpe Bay. Giuseppe has retired but his son has taken over the business and nothing has changed…………it’s the same haircut using the same pair of ancient clippers and while I was waiting I read the same Playboy magazine……………..for the articles of course.

As I came out looking younger and even more grey a car whizzed pass me and came to a sudden stop and a beautiful lady screamed my name…………….I panicked…………..did I owe her money?…………..was she a former lover whose heart I had broken?……………. nope ………….It was Michelle…………… a regular reader of the blog and someone who lives near Mum and Dad. She parked the car and hugged Heidi and I as though we were Brad and Angelina………………..it was a wonderful moment and when she left I felt pretty good. It was the first time that a lady had stopped in the middle of the street to hug me……………I love this blog thingy.

My mate Danny is making a huge, terrible mistake……………I have tried to talk him out of it but he is as stubborn as a herd of big stubborn things from Stubbornville……………..he is taking the family to Disney Land……………………….Paris.

OK, at this point some of you will be saying here he goes again making fun of the French…………but bare with me……………….it’s not just the French that are to blame for my torrid time.

The Americans are good at grinning and superficial bonhomie but this simply doesn’t translate in Europe.
Most of the staff I encountered had a Z in their name indicating that they were from somewhere to the east of Warsaw, and boy did they look peed off. Rightly so. You spend your entire life fighting the perils of Communism and your reward is dressing up as Donald Duck.

However, after I had spent hours queuing for rides that made me vomit and that you could only go on if you were 18 foot tall. Putting up with this and the peed off staff I at least could look forward to a fully loaded cheeseburger or turkey drumstick. with gallons of fries and ketchup……………………nope……………..this was Disney Land Paris……………..this meant I had a choice of smelly cheese served by smelly people or a Mchorse Burger.

Worst of all were the kids…………….thousands of them…………….and unlike the ones in Disney America where you can hear the words “awesome” echoing around the parks ……here…………it was mostly French kids shouting ” oh la la ” pushing and shoving everyone all the time.

Some say the devil is called Beelzebub and that he stored all the world’s evil in something called Pandora’s Box. I think the devil’s real name is Walt and he stored all the world’s evil in Disney World Paris……………………..oh, and while I was there I changed the words of that famous song to “It’s a smelly world after all.”

Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi

 

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.