My Last Ever Blog Will Be On June 8th

May 25, 2008 -

John Heald

It is common in the UK that on a Sunday all the ” Different people ” take advantage of the free speech laws and stand in the parks and in shopping areas and tell us the colour of the sky in their world.

This morning Heidi and I were taking a walk through our village where we came across a chap who told Heidi and I and the other members of the public that the world would end ……….on the 8th of June. Now, normally I would have ignored this chap but seeing as the alternative was 30 minutes of hell in a big girly shop that sells candles, cards and loads of that Po Pot smelly stuff I decided to stand and listen to my new mate tell us that in a few days it would all be over……………………….and he would not have been the first.
For years, we’ve been told that unless we buy a car that run on Yak Urine and eat leaves for the rest of our lives, the world will boil, our children will be microwaved and all the polar bears will have to move to Chicago.

But now, the World Meteorological Organization has announced that this year, the world will actually cool down a bit.

As a result, scientists are being forced to admit that the planet (which weighs 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms) is more resilient to the Range Rover and other SUV’s (which weigh 2,000kg) than was first thought.

In other words, everything we’ve been told for the past five years by the Government, Al Gore, Brad and Angelina, Wolf Blister and hippies everywhere is a big bucket of bollocks.

There’s always someone somewhere telling us the world is about to end.

And it never does.

Now, I was brought up in a Church environment and am a true believer, however I think something was lost in translation. Apparently the Big Boss said that if we carried on fornicating, a big monster would destroy us all …………….Well, it hasn’t even got round to eating Mick Jagger and George Clooney yet, and they have spent their entire lives going forth and multiplying.

Later, when I was growing up, we were all assured that the only possible outcome of the Cold War was a nuclear holocaust and here in the UK we all started to build bunkers in our back gardens.

No one — not even the CIA, MI5, — ever predicted that Russia would just give up and that a pack of East Germans would simply knock down the Berlin Wall using a few tools from the Home Depot and a bit of DIY.

Starved of something to worry about, the human race came up with the Millennium Bug. All computers would shut down on New Year’s Eve, 1999, and in an instant we’d be plunged into being Third World Countries. ………………..France had nothing to worry about.

I remember on the ships that we were all worried. Our tech support teams had planned for the worst possible event as had the Captains and Engineers…………remember that much of the ship is controlled by computers. So, that New Years Eve we planned for the best party at sea all the while there was the worry that at midnight the ship would loose all power and we would drift into Cuban waters and spend January 1st 2000 in a Havana prison making sure we didn’t drop the soap.

Of course…………..nothing happened and the biggest problem I remember was being in the doghouse for saying happy new year to all the guests and by the time I got round to seeing Heidi I had more lip stick on then Joan Rivers.

Then it was Sars, and then it was Bird Flu and now it is global warming.

Hopefully, when the next big scare is dreamed up, we’ll take a lesson from history………just get on with our lives…………… and take a cruise.

Unfortunately I never got to hear who had told this chap that on June 8th it would all be over because Heidi had bought her candles and stinky smelly stuff and Sunday lunch called so I put a pound in the man’s tin and buggered off.

I received a few urgent questions via Stephanie and have replied to them all. Remember, I am reading all the comments and will get back to the good old days and reply to them all once back on board. Meanwhile, if you have anything you need remember to write to Stephanie and she will send them to me for my immediate attention.

It seems that this Face Book thingy is something I need to pay more attention to. A wise man told me yesterday (thank you Obi One) that young people are using this format to communicate more than any other way. So, I had a look and indeed I seem to have acquired 532 friends……………..532………………that’s 531 more than I had at school and even my invisible friend ignored me sometimes. Anyway, it is obvious I am going to have to pay this site more attention and therefore if you have asked me something on there I promise to be your friend and answer you very soon………………once I have been shown how to do this from Obi One and Princess J………………………..does anyone actually write letters anymore?

Do you remember my trip to see the ports that the Carnival Splendor will call at? Well, if you do you will also remember that a young man called Radu came with us. Radu is Carnival’s top photographer and his work will be exhibited on board. However, he is as we speak in Alaska and I asked him to send me some of his favorite photos he has taken this last week.

Here they are.

Thanks Radu, you are a very talented man and I hope you can share more of your talents with us in the weeks to come.

Seeing these photos makes me want to see Alaska for myself and remember that Carnival Corporation has the most ships in the industry sailing the Last Frontier that is Alaska………..it’s a place we must all see…………………before June 8th.

Well, this coming week I will have interviews with:

THE HOTEL DIRECTOR OF THE QUEEN VICTORIA

THE CAPTAIN OF THE CARNIVAL SPLENDOR

CELEBRITY CHEF TODD ENGLISH

And very soon an exclusive insight into the unique mind of the industries top architect and interior designer of the Carnival Splendor……Mr. Joe Farcus……………….all before June 8th.

You may have heard the news today that there is uproar in the UK because the slightly mad celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey killed a rabbit live on his program Hell’s Kitchen F Word Nightmares thingy……………..well…………….despite the horrors that poor people of China and Burma are facing and ignoring the fact that our Prime Minister Gordon Brown is as popular as being stuck in an elevator for 5 hours with someone who has had a Vindaloo Curry for lunch, the Sunday newspapers have used this story as their lead………………because the country is disgusted and apparently we are all weeping and banging our chests in despair.

This happened last year as well when British Troops were shown in Afghanistan killing a chicken to eat during a live report.

Now, if I had a choice of killing a chicken or popping down to KFC for a family bucket then the man from Kentucky wins every time. However…………if like the troops in Afghanistan who had been eating boil in the bag mud for 3 months than I would find the caveman inside of me and Harry the Hen would be history. That is not how the public saw it and there was public outcry.

The same thing happened recently on the show Survivor. The starving contestants were given some chickens but couldn’t bring themselves to kill and pluck them. They’re chickens, just one step further up the food chain then cabbage.  We’re talking here about a bird which is so daft that it can run around and have fun with no head.

Anyway, while the Survivor people were arguing about what should be done the birds were eaten by a couple of monitor lizards and the humans went back to eating dung beetles and berries.

However, the uproar over the chicken is nothing to what poor Gordon Ramsey is facing for knocking a rabbit expertly on the head with a hammer and throwing it a big pot with a few onions for company.

The first complaint was that children should not have been subjected to this horror. Well, it was on TV at 9:00pm and therefore shouldn’t those kids have been doing homework or even asleep. I am sure the same kids who apparently were traumatized by Bugs getting the good news with the hammer are the same kids who after sobbing their little hearts out went upstairs to their room and continued beheading zombies on their playbox station wee wee game thingies.

OK, maybe I can understand the children being upset…………even if there were no complaints from the parents about the fact that as usual Gordon Ramsey swore every other word……………I guess ………..” put the fu%$&* rabbit in the fu$£^& pot you piece of S&^% ” is ok for an eight year old to hear then but kill a rabbit ……………how could you.

So, maybe there is a little understanding about the kids feeling upset but the parents,

Honestly, I don’t understand this.

Out there in the real world away from the supermarket/freezer/microwave chain of eating, there are insects, which eat their partners after sex, there are snakes that will spit poisonous vomit on you when threatened and there are leopard seals that play water polo using penguins as the ball.

So in the big scheme of things, a quick tap on the head for Bugs really isn’t a bad way to go.

Of course, if you don’t want to be a party to the killing or the exploitation, that’s fine. Be a vegetarian…………….I respect Vegetarians…………really I do and if maybe as I start my diet I will learn to respect them more.

However, the thousands of people who wrote to the TV company and the papers to complain about Gordon’s work with the hammer…………well……….I wonder how many of those eat meat…………….and if they do………….its wrong for them to pretend that they have no idea how a cow………………… becomes a Big Mac.

If anyone has a comment about this or anything else please submit them …………….before June 8th.

Goodnight
Your friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.