Celebrity Spotting

June 13, 2008 -

John Heald

My bottom hurts………..thanks to one of the two most uncomfortable seats I have ever sat on. The first was a few years ago at my local cinema. Heidi had dragged me kicking and screaming to see Cold Mountain…………not the Brokeback version but the one with Jude Law.

The seat was so hard and my bottom had not suffered that much since it was beaten with an old slipper by my High School Headmaster who had discovered Sid Ruse and I putting superglue on the toilet seats.

As we were treated to yet another smoldering shot of Jude Law mincing his way through the swamps of North Carolina I spoke – not for the first time  – out of my bottom and the words were loud and clear “Bloody hell, get on with it .”

At the end of the film most of the audience left the cinema in tears as did I. Mine though were not because Jude Law had found his girl after walking across America with only his horse for company……….until he had to eat it……………and just as he was about to take her into the barn for some well deserved rumpy pumpy…………….some bugger shot him………………..nope…………..my pain was because my bottom felt like it had just been tattooed by a 5-year-old kid using a knitting needle.

Last night at dinner it was just as bad if not worse. The chairs were ancient and the straw covers were so lumpy. Mine had a huge lump right where my left buttock was and I spent the entire meal feeling like I was sitting on Gerard Depardieu’s nose.

Talking of food the diet is going…………..OK.  My task was to cut out all carbs which in Italy is not easy but even though I have been constantly surrounded by masses of pasta and gnocchi………..I have been strong. Once onboard I will start my exercise regime and will let you know in weekly reports how I am doing. I hope to have raised $300 for the children’s hospital by the end of next week.

One important correction from yesterday…………..I said the Miami Vice cast party was on the Celebration…………….it was in fact………….on the M/S Holiday ……………. sorry.

Tomorrow Heidi and I leave Fawlty Towers hotel never to return. We will board the ship tomorrow and finally…………………….finally we can unpack our 200 suitcases. Heidi took some photos today of our cabin………….here they are.

Here are a few more photos. They are apparently of famous soap star celebrities who sailed on the Carnival Imagination recently. These have been given to me by Jaime who is one of our brilliant Entertainment Staff members here on the Carnival Splendor ……………..she was onboard when some people from All My Hospitals, General Children and The Bold and the Bollocks sailed.

It was a great cruise I am told until there was a big fight at dinner when one actress realised she was married to her brother and that her father was in fact her grandmother ………….well, it got so bad that the Captain had to ………………………………tune in next week to find out what happened.

They do say that oysters are the world’s greatest aphrodisiacs…..I disagree …………….. It’s a yacht.
Take the girl of your dreams and offer her trip down to the Med on your yacht or some shells filled with snot………………….. and see which she chooses.

Now, in my continuing attempt to keep this blog thingy current and discuss news events with you…………………..OK……………….moan about news events with you, I want to pass on the following information to the many blog readers who have mega yachts the size of the much missed Mardi Gras.

I learned today that the government in Sardinia, Italy is planning to impose huge taxes on billionaire visitors who come to the island in these beautiful, sleek champagne and caviar dreamboats.

In essence, those whose boats are more than a mile long will be hit where it hurts most, in the wallet. And if Brad and Angelina should decide to buy a holiday home within 400 yards of the coast they  will attract a special tax that will cause both to have to make Mr and Mrs. Smith 2……..and none of us want that.

And the excitement doesn’t stop there because, get this, the leader of the government, Robino Di Hood, says the money raised — and it could be $550 million a year —  will be spent building a new ice berg for the polar bears and penguins and mending the ozone layer.

Of course, brilliant as the scheme might sound to Al Gore and his mates, I doubt very much the trillionaires will pay up. Sardinia is a pretty little place for sure but there are many other pretty little places they can go to instead. So they will. And losing them will kill Sardinia off as a tourist destination more quickly than news that a few swans have the flu.

Let me explain. A friend of mine returned recently from a break in Jamaica. “So how was it?” I asked, expecting to hear about the food, the hotel, the beach and if he had sampled the local agriculture. But no. Instead he told me he’d seen Christina Aguilera, someone rap star called Ice Cream or Ice Spy or something and most impressively…..Clint Eastwood.

This is now how we judge holiday locations. Not on what we see, but on who we see.

This is what always makes places like Sardinia such a tempting destination. Forget the emerald waters or sandy beaches. It was the chance you might catch a glimpse of Catherine Zeta Jones helping Michael out of his beach chair while George Hamilton and the latest perfect 10 models dance to rave music in the local nightclub.

I hardly ever see anyone famous on my vacation although could be I spend it at home which reduces the chances quite a lot. I am unlikely to see Tom Cruise coming out of my bathroom as I head to bed.

The celeb syndrome now affects pretty well everyone and pretty well every lifestyle choice we make.

I mean, are you going to spend $1,000 on an Eye Pod cover made of Snake Scrotum. Not likely. Unless of course Gwyneth Paltrow is photographed with one while out shopping.

It’s why people will wait 200 years for a table in the Ivy. This is a restaurant in London where reservations are impossible and you will pay $750 for an omelet. My mate Danny booked a table last October and got a reservation…………..honestly………….he got a table in November. I asked him why he wanted to go so badly………………..”You never know who you will see,” he replied.

I asked him after his dining experience how it was…………..he told me the food was good, the service dreadful and that he would have to sell his internal organs to pay for the check……….oh ………..but all of this was unimportant because………….he had seen Madonna and Guy Ritchie.

If, however, you find the celeb world totally and utterly boring and you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a red-hot poker than share a vacation with Pee Daddy and Jay Low, then don’t despair. Try Sardinia…………………..there’s no bugger there.

Finally, before I go. If you have seen the travel channel you will have seen a young globetrotting lady called Samantha Brown. She just sailed on the Carnival Inspiration and I will be posting an interview about her onboard experiences and her travel adventures very soon.

Until the, time to watch Heidi pack as we prepare to go home…to the Carnival Splendor

Goodnight
Your Friends
John and Heidi

 

 

 

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.