The Bloginator

June 26, 2008 -

John Heald

There are many things I am totally crap at and heading the list is anything to do with Engineering. I know that no matter how much training I received, or how many books I read, I could not build an electric toothbrush or a DVD player or an engine big enough to power a 100,000-ton cruise ship with me aboard through the water.

Hello everyone.

This is going to be a very quick, hastily put together blog free from photographs and the usual blog pattern. I am so sorry for this but today started at 7 am and now at 8:05 pm I have sat down for the very first time. Anyway, back to the engineering thing and the morning was spent touring the ship with lots of important people in suits and two in hard hats ………why were they wearing hard hats?…….were they worried a cabin steward was going to fall on their head?

Everyone was very impressed with the ship and I again stood on the threshold and listened to the engineers talk about bearings and power and words that only they and Scotty from Star Trek understood………..as I listened I realized………I knew nothing about Engineering at all………..

If someone asked me to paint a picture of Judge Judy naked I could at least have a go. It may look like a that little Jedi Knight thing that talks backwards in the Star Wars movie but nobody would be able to tell

And I don’t go all gooey about literature, because I can write a coherent sentence …………. sometimes.

You won’t find me saying I do not have the qualities of an actor, because I’ve been there, on a stage, and all you have to do is read out your lines and move your eyebrows up and down. It’s easy.
And so is being a lawyer. You just write what you want to say in English, then add the word “hereinuntoafter” every so often so the public thinks you’re clever and you win the case.

I could drive a train, run a supermodel agency, be a politician, catch a criminal, be a Chippendale, score a three point shot and write Jay Leno’s jokes. But I could not design a computer or an apartment building. And this is why I stand in open-mouthed admiration when I meet an engineer — because he can do something that I cannot.

I remember reading that when Charles Babbage, who designed the world’s first computer in the 19th century, talked about the “unerring certainty of mechanism,” but this is a concept that leaves me totally confused…………….I still have no idea what he meant.

When I build something it breaks pretty much immediately. I can’t relight our Aga cooker at home. I can’t wire a plug. I can’t hang a picture, and if I use superglue I end up fastened to whatever was broken. I have the practical abilities and engineering skills of a slug.

After the walk about with the men in suits I had a meeting with all the Entertainment Department. We did a big introduction so the family of people who will be together for the next four months will know who is who. We also discussed what will happen the next few days and that included a visit by our President Mr. Gerry Cahill tomorrow. Now, I hope he will be having lunch onboard and if he is I am going to invite myself and try to get him to say a quick hello to all of you via my little video camera which I can then post tomorrow………………sound good?

Hopefully he will say yes…………..if not……………I will do some secret filming with the camera secretly hidden in my ………..ummm………….somewhere.

Please keep the comments and thoughts coming on Carnival Dream. I am posting each and every one of them…….even negative……… but……….. As you can see they are all brilliantly positive.

The reason I kindly ask that you do this is because there has never really been a forum for you to do so. This has meant that the designers and people at the top who make the decisions on what to build never really get to know this early in a new building …………..if what they have decided to build is what you…………the most important people …………….. our guests. ……………………actually look for on a cruise ship vacation.

That changes now and hopefully as Carnival continues to build vessels we can use this and other blogs like it to allow you a clear and present voice. Please keep the comments coming and I continue to reply to those who include the words “Urgent, please reply.”

Anyway, time to go…………….I am going to watch a run through of the show then answer some of the 100 plus e-mails sitting in the box thingy.

Before I go though………………………I got a real bollocking today……………….about the blog……………………this person does not like what I write…………..and she told me face to face…………………here is what happened.

One of the benefits of having important visitors onboard was the opening of our coffee shop which has imaginatively called “The Coffee Shop”!!

I was quietly minding my own business enjoying an espresso and 5 minutes of peace, when I was approached by an enormous lady. “Do you mind if I join you?” she thundered.

Way before I had chance to say “I mind very much” she had pulled up a chair and was off.

“I read something you wrote in your blog last weekend and never in all of my life have I ever come across such utter disregard for life

At this point I was tempted to point out that I had a meeting and needed to go, but because she looked a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger in a dress I decided it may be best to stay.

“It was about the use of animals for humor,” she bellowed with a volcanic ferocity, “You should be disgusted, some of the things you write make me feel sick.” She then moved on from being the protector of all things furry to women.

By this stage she was almost hysterical, claiming that she was a woman (doubtful) and that I treated women and especially my wife Heidi with “embarrassing distain”………..I wanted to say “distain”……and point to the spot where some asparagus soup had spilled onto my shirt…………….but I didn’t………….because………..she scared me.

Anyway………… after telling me I was the devil incarnate and that she would never read my blog again Mrs. Schwarzenegger got up and left………..I half expected her to turn ………….. look at me ……………and say “I’ll Be Back”………………….but she didn’t…………….she just buggered off.
Now, I know this lady works in our offices in Miami and obviously I cannot reveal her name but I felt badly after our conversation. Here is a colleague who hates me and hates the blog……………and that makes me sad.

However, I cannot change………..I have to write what I feel and I would never ever write anything that purposely disrespects women or animals…………..although she never said anything about the French……………what about French women?

No seriously, I hope she does read the blog again and forgives me for offending her ……….although she said she would never read the blog again………..which is good because I just said she looked like Arnold……………so………………..if you never hear from me again then that means she did read the blog and I am lying in an ICU ward with serious injuries caused by a heavy object landing on me………..no hard hat is going to save me.

I will leave you with the video of my appearance on the USA network last weekend incase you missed it.

Keep the Carnival Dream comments coming and normal blogging service will be resumed tomorrow.

Goodnight
Your Friends
John, Heidi and Mrs S.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.